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Oh! Ah!
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
Come on. Come on.
Are you sure that we should be doing this right now?
Okay? There are people outside waiting.
They're going to wonder where we are.
All right, we're going to have plenty of time after the wedding.
I don't want to wait until after the wedding.
I want you right now.
Come on.
Come on!
Oh, god.
Christine!
What the fuck?
Hey, I'm so sorry, man.
I wanted to wait until after the wedding
but she wanted to do this right now.
- Oh... - Holy shit!
- Bowie, I need you to... - It's fine, man. I'm gonna get out... ah!
- Oh! - Oh! Damn, dude, that's a big wiener.
- That's a big... - Come on, man!
- I'm sorry. - Zip it up, please.
I mean, I don't know if it'll fit, though, right?
Not the time. Wildly inappropriate right now.
Can't you just focus on the guests, please?
The wedding is obviously off.
Great. I'm here for you. You're my little king and I love you.
You...
You're garbage trash.
And I always knew that.
I can't wait to never see you again.
Garbage trash.
And you, I don't like you either, but I respect
what's going on down there. Let's get out of here.
- I'm really sorry, man. - Fuck off.
- Yup. - Yeah.
So,
you know this is all your fault, right?
Hi.
- -Hello.
My name is Beauregard Pemberton iv.
For those of you who don't know me I am the best man for this wedding
betwixt my dear friend Harry
and his surprisingly accommodating fiancee Christine.
You guys don't get that joke, that's for sure. Uh...
First of all, I'd just like to start by saying that I am very happy
that everyone from Harry's bachelor party
made it out and is here and not dead.
Wes, those eyebrows are growing back.
Good for you, bud.
Anyway, that's not why I'm here, guys.
I'm here to tell you guys a story.
A story of waiting.
Waiting for that perfect moment.
That perfect day.
This story is about a young boy.
Let's just call him
me.
This story is about that young boy's
unbridled love
for guns n' roses.
Now in the mid to late '90s you guys have to understand
that coming off the giant success
of both use your illusions I and ii,
anticipation was high
because this young boy was finally old enough
to attend his first guns n' roses concert.
Snake dancing in front of the mirror,
picking out that perfect bandana.
It was red, of course.
And when that night came for the concert he was there,
in that arena,
section 352, row Q, seat 77.
That's when that...
Son of a bitch announcer came over the loudspeaker.
I always have trouble with this part.
Paradise city, wherever it exists...
was not in Atlanta, Georgia that day.
Guns n' roses had broken up.
So I think I explained everything pretty good.
I'll open up the floor to some questions.
Even though I'm not quite sure which one of them
is the Axl in this situation.
I'm going to have to get some more details later.
Nobody?
You don't even want to ask me what my favorite song is? Civil war.
Guys, the wedding is not happening is what I'm saying.
What?
Okay, calm down. Calm down, it's fine.
I thought I really walked you guys into that.
I feel like you guys are overreacting.
Hey, guys, guys, guys. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Okay, the road to happiness is not a straight path, okay?
It's bumpy.
If Harry and Christine want to make it work
they will make it work, okay, guys?
Look at guns n' roses. They figured it out.
I mean sure, slash and the band were irreplaceable.
But the buckethead years were all right
and Chinese democracy had like two good songs.
Plus we got velvet revolver out of it
and those guys fucking rule.
So it could be worse.
Guns n' roses is happy. I'm happy.
Harry will be happy. Christine is a bitch.
And, hey, GNR kind of got back together.
Anything is possible.
The kids will be all right.
That's all I'm saying.
Ooh.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck!
Okay, that is it for the wedding.
Thank you guys so much.
Um, I will see you at the next one.
"To Harry and Christine,"
"may you share the most romantic of meals together over these dishes."
"Love Joey and Britney."
That's like, really nice.
Yeah.
- Pull!
Dude, in all fairness,
there are game of thrones weddings that were less bloody than yours today.
- Not really funny. - But look at it on the bright side.
At least you found out before you married her.
Yeah, five minutes before.
Yeah, that's still before though.
I mean, otherwise
you would have been having sloppy seconds on your own wedding night, dude.
Also not funny.
Uh, excuse me?
Yeah, hey.
Uh, we're not really sure what you want us to do here.
- Yeah, so I think we're just going to, um, go. - Take off.
No, no, please stay. Everything's fine.
I already paid you guys.
If he wants you to stay then you fucking stay.
Okay? He had a shit day, he almost married a skank
and he's a prince amongst men! It's his wedding night!
And this is the wedding reception
but it's not a wedding reception without a wedding band.
It's not a wedding reception without a wedding.
Psycho.
Please don't make me write you guys a bad review on yelp.
Oh, he yelps like a maniac!
- He's like an angry mama on that thing!
Okay...
Play a song.
- One song! - Thank you.
- That was a lot. - Had to get my point across.
Sure. Anyway, dude,
this could be a blessing in disguise.
Look at all our married friends. What do they have in common?
That they're all married?
They're in captivity!
That's what marriage is.
They have that same glazed-over look that lions at the zoo have.
You know why you've never heard a lion at the zoo roar?
Because I'm a grown man and I don't go to the zoo?
Okay, I'm a grown man and I go to the zoo all the time.
- Is there something weird about it? - It's kind of weird.
I got an annual pass. What, am I not gonna use it?
That's ridiculous!
Does your lion metaphor have a point?
You never hear lions roar at the zoo
because you need fucking balls to roar, man!
- They're good. - Yeah, like, really good.
Can I ask you a question?
Shoot.
How did we get here, man?
Well, my hillbilly cousin gave me this gun as a wedding present
and now we're using it to destroy all the other wedding presents.
- No, not here...
Man, how did we get here
in life?
How could you stay with someone so long,
let alone almost marry them,
when the whole time you guys were together
she treated you so...
I don't know what the word... 'Cause I don't want to offend you,
because you're a fragile guy right now.
What is the word I'm looking for?
- Cold? - Cunty.
Careful.
I don't know, man.
When you're in something, you only see what you want to see, right?
And I saw the girl that I was supposed to marry.
On paper she was perfect.
I mean, so was Bitcoin when you think about it.
You never suspected this?
No, actually, I didn't see this coming.
I totally thought this would be more of a murder-suicide situation.
Yeah. Wait, what?
Oh, she was going to kill you, dude. That's for sure.
But then I like to think in my fantasy world,
she would at least have the courage
to turn the gun on herself afterwards.
Is this the shit you actually think about?
I know, right? It's weird.
Okay, do you guys know real songs at all or do you just eavesdrop?
She checked all the boxes.
- Oh this one, okay. Let's hear 'em. - Okay.
Number one, she had a good job.
You paid for everything!
- She's pretty... - She never fucked you, so who cares?
She comes from a really good family.
Dude, her dad called me the n-word.
We had a plan.
Harry, I know you have plans. You fucking love plans.
But you need to realize that plan sucked.
If you felt this way, why is this the first time I'm hearing about it?
Hey, what do you think about Christine?
She's cool, right?
No, dude. She fucking sucks.
Anyway, do not propose to Christine, man.
She fucking sucks.
What?
Your fiancee fucking sucks, man.
I don't know, man, I guess there was
just never a good time to bring it up.
That's probably the flight Christine and I were supposed to go on for our honeymoon.
What island were you guys going to? I forgot.
Rancho para.
Supposed to be amazing.
Dude, let's go!
Just missed the flight.
Yeah, but you canceled the hotel?
No, I couldn't. It was too close to check-in.
- I'm just going to have to eat it. - No, you don't.
Not if you and me go!
- What, you and me? - Yeah!
How would we even get there?
Dude, I got a guy.
- You got a guy? - I got a guy.
What does that even mean? You're always so vague.
It means I know a guy.
He runs shuttles back and forth to the islands for my company.
I'll hop on as a "business trip" and you ride for free.
You're my best friend, I have no idea what you do for a living.
Doesn't matter! You've got your bags packed, right?
- Yeah. - So let's go, man, this is gonna be fucking awesome!
Dude, fuck your honeymoon. That was going to suck.
This is you and me going out.
It's not a honeymoon. This is like, uh...
Dude, this is a fucking bromoon.
I think "homiemoon" is funnier.
Yeah, see, look, it is funnier.
That's how excited you are, you're making puns!
I'm going to use homiemoon, that's fucking hilarious!
- It's not that exciting. - You're so excited for this homiemoon.
Dude, we've got to get out of here.
Look at how fucking depressing this place is.
It's like the limp bizkit reunion tour.
Hey, man, we had fun at that show.
We had a great time but the crowd wasn't into it and it took me out, personally.
I don't know.
Maybe I should just go in to work tomorrow.
Fuck you, man. I'm going to fucking kill you.
Are you kidding?
You're going to do what you think you're supposed to do, again.
Look at what doing what you're supposed to do did to you today.
You almost married a whore!
Hey, come on, man, it still hurts.
I know, I'm sorry. I get excited.
I forget that you're fragile.
I love you. Come here, my baby boy.
I'm sorry I hurt your feelings just then.
But don't worry, this is going to be a fun-ass homiemoon.
Okay, don't overuse it.
Thanks, dude.
You guys are wonderful, actually, I was wrong about you.
Where are we going?
I told you, dude, gate z-98.
Z? I see a and b.
Ah, perfect timing. Give me that. Give me that.
You got it from the closet we don't talk about, right?
Cool, this is going into my file. Get out of here.
- What was that? - It was one of my interns. I had him get my go bag.
- How many interns do you have? - Seven.
Can you and I talk about this closet?
So is this it?
Well, all the signs say gate z.
- Who's this guy? - Oh, that's Mike.
Mike?
Yeah, well his friends call him corn
on account of he tells really lame jokes
but he's a hell of a poker player
and really good at disc golf,
despite the fact that he lost half of his index finger
in a thrashing machine accident when he was nine.
It's a real bummer but
he's found a way to adapt.
How do you know all this?
I don't know all that, Harry!
You're asking a ton of questions, okay?
I don't know everything about everybody.
That's clearly just a homeless guy. Where'd he go?
Who... who are you? Who sent you?
How long was I there? Did Miguel send you?
I don't know a Miguel.
Shh! That's exactly what Miguel would want you to say.
We're just trying to get to Rancho para.
I'm looking for a guy named Randy.
Bowie?
- Randy? Hey! - Hey!
All right.
Randy!
- Hey! - Hey!
And you must be Harry.
- Yeah. - Ah, the guy who almost married the town jizz mop.
Don't blame me, you know I like to gossip.
Hey, don't sweat it.
At least you two found each other.
And it wouldn't have happened without her.
That's the most important thing.
- Wait, what do you think that this is? - Yeah?
Oh, nothing, nothing. Just two best friends
going on a trip for two together
to a tropical paradise
- with matching tuxes. - Oh, shit.
I actually think we look badass.
We look like Sommeliers.
Follow me, guys. Come on.
Why are you talking about west African pirates?
We look like butlers.
Yeah, Geoffrey from the fresh prince fucking rules, it's fine.
Sun-kissed airlines
would like to make the announcement
that flight one to Rancho para
is now ready to board.
Now, we'd like to start off the boarding process
with all of our first class passengers,
frequent flyer medallion members
and anyone traveling with a wheelchair or small children.
- You're welcome to board.
Also, we'd like to announce
that this flight is overbooked.
Anyone who's willing to
give up their ticket will receive a voucher
- of $400... - Ooh.
- For your next flight.
Okay, what's up? Can I help y'all?
- We're the only two people here. - Yeah.
Come on, man, I'm just messing with y'all.
- Come on, you guys.
- Oh, that was... - You guys...
You were joking.
- Because I thought... - Ah!
It's funny looking back, but at the time
- I did not... - It was pretty brutal.
- Yeah. - Anyways, the more important thing is
let's get you two love birds in the air.
Right this way, gentlemen.
- Are you sure you want to do this? - Do what?
I wouldn't trust this guy with my dry cleaning.
We're going to let him fly a plane that we're in?
Harry, fucking relax, okay?
Literally no one has ever died in a plane crash.
What are you talking about? JFK Jr.
- John Denver. Aaliyah. - Okay, three.
Three people in the history of aviation, that's pretty good, Harry.
I think you should fact-check that.
Hey, Randy, you ever crash this thing?
Yeah.
And look at him, he's doing great.
Hey, guys, guys.
I've got two parachutes and a flotation device. We're good.
See? We're good!
I like you, Randy. I like you a bunch.
I got dibs on the parachute.
All right, the meal on today's flight is shut the hell up
and the in-flight movie is strap on and hold on to your dicks.
Or each other's. Whatever you're into.
Could you play the movie alive? That'd be funny.
All right, boys, we are all set
and ready to go.
It's like a sophisticated pinball machine, right?
Uh, tower, this is Stroker Ace-six-nine,
ready for takeoff.
Now you've just got to get out there and push.
You're just fucking with us, right?
You're catching on, grasshopper.
- That's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
Okay, now I'm not.
You're going to have to really get out there and push.
I have a hard time reading you.
That was a surprisingly smooth flight.
- Yeah. - Huh? What?
He said that that was a surprisingly smooth flight, Randy, it was great.
Come on, guys, we all know I'm not allowed to fly.
No. Nope, we did not know that, Randy.
If you Google me it says, "don't let him fly."
Okay, well, looks like we're here. Thanks again.
Oh, shit.
On behalf of everyone here
at the Tradewinds island resort,
it is my pleasure to say to you
welcome to Rancho para
and happy honeymoon Mr. and...
Nice!
- Mr. and Mr. Fluder. - Oh, uh...
No, no, no. Not Mr. and Mr.
Well, I mean, we are both misters. I'm a boy so it's fine.
A lover's quarrel already?
This is supposed to be the honeymoon.
- Don't worry... - Hey!
Nothing a few days in paradise won't cure.
No, you don't understand.
No bags?
- No, we have bags. - Yeah, we have bags.
I must say, you two are doing your honeymoon properly.
Should I have all your meals sent to your room?
Double the maid service?
I don't know what that means.
I know what that means.
Did you forget our bags? We're the only two people on the plane.
What? No! I know exactly where your bags are.
Hey, you guys enjoy your honeymoon, all right?
You guys make a cute couple.
- What about my toiletries? - Dude, who cares? Come on, let's go.
- Hey. - Hello.
The ultimate honeymoon experience.
Dude, I can tell, man. This thing rules.
I feel like fucking Beyonce right now.
Does that make me Jay z?
I don't know who that is.
- Usa! Usa!
As you can see, we've taken great pains
to ensure that your room and your entire stay
caters to your every desire.
If you need anything your wish is my command.
Good day, gentlemen.
Good day.
That guy talked like a genie, huh?
Yeah.
All right. What do you wanna do now?
You mean after we fuck?
Obviously, yeah. I mean, we have to fuck. It would be rude not to.
- Let's get a drink. - Okay.
It's just so wonderful.
Thank you. Oh, yeah.
Look how tropical this shit is, man.
- Mmm. - Fuckin', who is getting whiskey in paradise?
Get tropical with me.
Not feeling very tropical.
Ooh, that's good.
That's good.
When I pictured this, I didn't exactly picture this.
Look, I know she-who-shall-not-be-named fucking sucks, but still.
I know, I know. I'm sorry.
I forgot why I was here. Take care of my buddy.
I'm gonna go get us the three WS. How's that sound?
- Huh? - Weed, women...
Fuck. Should've been two WS.
I'm gonna go do that, then. I'm gonna get us the two WS.
Third one could've been whiskey.
Watermelon's the third one.
Oh yeah.
Hey. How's it going?
All at once and at the same time.
Okay.
Did you order caviar or diamonds or something?
Oh, you see him too, huh?
Okay, good.
Hello, time traveler.
- Come, sit.
I'm bowie.
Hi, bowie.
Are you from dancing with the stars?
No, no. I'm not.
But I think that show's great.
Um...
I'm just gonna come out and say it.
Uh, I don't wanna, assume too much that it might offend you guys,
but you just seem like the sort that might know this.
You guys might be able to help me out. I'm not from around here,
and if someone from not around here was looking to, maybe,
elevate themselves to, like, the level you guys seem to be on...
You know what I...
You know what I mean?
You're sayin' an awful lot of words right now, man.
Are you a narc?
Oh, stop teasing him. We're just fuckin' with you.
- We're just fuckin' with you.
Our level, our level. Sure, sure, sure.
Look. All you gotta do, look.
You just gotta eat this bag of mushrooms,
and smoke this bag of weed.
Okay.
Every day for 20 years.
Get out... you...
You do that, and you might be able to, like,
smell the orbit that we're working with, you know?
I mean, yeah, it... It would get you close. It would get you close.
It's true.
I once did peyote with a leprechaun...
Could've been a well-dressed armadillo.
Either way, we both peaked at the same time, so it was all good.
Yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta start somewhere, right? So...
Yeah, here.
Oh, man.
What do I owe you?
That's from the earth, man.
Who am I to charge for nature's bounty? You know it's, uh...
That'd be like charging for water, you know?
They do charge you for water.
You shut the fuck up, Richard!
That's not a funny joke, and I told you that.
What's wrong with you?
Having a little shindig by the casino, later, man.
You should stop by, man. It's gonna be fun, you know.
Well, real mellow, you know. Nothing formal, although...
Well, that sounds great. I'm just here with my buddy, so I gotta...
We love buddies.
Yeah, man. The more the merrier. That's what I say.
Shit. Bring him, you know. It's easy to find.
You just gotta cut through the woods right down...
There. Right down there, and, uh...
It's off the beaten path, but you can't miss it, man.
It's right down there, you'll see it.
All right, man. Well, I'm so glad I ran into you guys.
I appreciate everything. This is so cool. Thank you very much.
Hey, you wanna...
You know? Just a little toke for the road?
- Yeah. Yeah. Course. - There you go.
That's gonna put some fuzz on your peaches, you know.
This is fine, here?
- Yeah, never got caught. - I hope so, man.
We been doin' it for years.
Oh, fuck, dude, fuck.
Oh, come on, man. That's the breakfast blend, man.
That's the shit I smoke to stop being high.
- Oh, god. - Come on, man.
Look at him go.
I'm gonna do one more for the road.
Okay, you go for that.
You gotta try everything twice, yeah.
Ah, there we go.
Similar results.
This guy's funny.
Well, you guys are cool.
Come tonight. Don't forget to bring your friends.
- I like him. - Yeah, yeah.
Looked like a Butler.
But he didn't bring us anything.
- Yeah. - Butlers usually bring you something.
- He's not good at his job? - No.
What the fuck?
'Sup? That feels so weird, huh.
Oh, my god!
Watch where you're going, asshole.
I'm looking for an armadillo.
I'm sorry. Did you just say you're looking for an armadillo?
Oh, he lost his armadillo.
Oh, yeah? Well, he's about to lose the contents of his nut sack
if I don't have another drink in my hand by then.
Here, just have mine. I haven't even taken a sip.
No, it's fine.
"Lose the contents of his nut sack?"
Are you gonna hurt him or blow him?
Oh yeah. Good, Colette.
'Cause I suck every guy's dick who spills a drink on me. Nice.
I mean, he's wearing a tuxedo in 90 degree weather.
He's obviously a masochist.
Rip off his nuts. I bet he'd like it.
Try and remember the last place that you saw your armadillo.
Ooh, I know. Check your other hand.
I can't tell you how many times I've lost something and ended up finding it there.
Well, what do you say, asshole?
You wanna step outta the way and apologize?
You want me to shove my foot so far up your ass I can wear you as pants?
Shut up, you stupid.
Did he just call me stupid?
Shut up, you stupid.
Look at you, you so dumb.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna kick this guy's dick off, right now.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait. I smell weed.
Do you have weed?
Oh, that's cool.
Harry.
I'm in sad mode.
Entering anger mode.
Harry.
Dude, I'm so high, too.
Hello.
All right. Come on. Let's do this.
- Bring the sad one.
That's you.
I know!
Okay.
I didn't get watermelon. That's the only one I forgot.
This is your boat?
It's awesome.
Okay, first of all, it's not a boat.
It's a yacht, asshole.
It's okay, guys. They're with me.
Shoes off, guys. Let's go.
All right. Whatever.
Fucking rules.
You're terrifying.
- Dude. - Wow.
This boat is dope.
Mmm, thank you.
Speaking of which,
let's see it.
- What? - Huh?
Come on. Isn't that what youse came here for? Whip it out.
Oh.
No, but...
- Uh, it's not why we came here... - Uh...
but it's very cool of you to start with this.
- Oh, that's not cool. - Oh, my god.
No, not your dick. The weed.
Oh, what?
- Yeah, I know. - God!
I was kidding.
Jesus Christ.
Heard of a joke?
- Gross. - So, I'm Harry.
I'm Angela.
Nice to meet you.
- This is Beatrice over here. - Hey.
You can call me Bea.
Everyone does. I don't force them.
That's Johanna over there.
- Don't look at me. - Okay.
Hi, I'm Tiffani and, uh...
It's really hot.
Oh. Ah, that's better.
Yeah. It... good call. It is so hot.
It's... yup.
I'm Colette. Hi.
Hi.
I'm bowie.
That's my weed.
So, you guys probably think I'm pretty cool.
Do you have Asperger's?
I don't think so. Unless you're into it.
So, what brings you ladies to the islands?
The boat does.
My husband.
He's always traveling here and there for work, you know,
so I said, "you gotta figure out a way to bring us with you."
What does your husband do?
Oh, little bit of this, little bit of that, you know.
Buys me yachts to keep me happy.
So I can hang out with my girls and party.
He sounds cool.
Ooh, this weed is really relaxing.
- Right? - I love smoking weed.
So relaxing.
Basically take a nap right now.
Might wanna take it easy on that. You don't wanna get paranoid.
You need to take it easy, tux-o. Okay?
I'm not paranoid. You're paranoid.
- Shut up. - It's okay.
Actually, that ridiculous marijuana-causing-paranoia thing? That's a myth.
It just lowers your inhibitions,
and then you become a heightened version of yourself.
So if you're, like, really happy, you're extra happy.
If you're a crazy psycho weirdo,
you're that.
Lemme guess. Psychiatrist?
Psychoanalyst.
She said anal. That's funny.
Bowie,
why are you here?
Actually, it's a pretty crazy story.
Yesterday, I'm with Harry...
We're masseuse... Massages? Massage. Massages.
Masseuses?
You mean massage therapists?
- Yeah. I actually consider myself
a massage, uh, wizard.
It's magic what I can do with just these.
It sounds like magic.
Yeah. And we are here for the annual awards ceremony.
Oh!
The handies.
- Congratulations. - Fuck, yeah. Thank you.
That would explain the tuxedos.
No, not really, but please, go on.
You're nominated for an award.
Well, I'm nominated for best technique,
and bowie's nominated for best...
Best oral.
- Sup? - Gross.
- Ew, that's disgusting. - No, it's different in the massage community.
It just means good table-side, uh, banter.
Uh, banter. So good.
Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ.
What happened? What is this? What are you doing?
Oh, my god. Get down.
What the hell was that?
Oh, shit. Fuck.
Who cares?
Oh, my god. I thought that was my husband.
Who's your husband?
Not someone you want to catch you with his wife in a hot tub.
Oh, god. I fuckin' ruined the weed.
Shit. All of it.
I'm sorry.
Well, you know what that means, boys.
Just, kinda, feel each other up, now?
- Okay, buh-bye. - Byes.
Hey, um...
Sorry.
No, no. It's okay.
This was, uh...
I wanna say fun, but it was more interesting.
How do I feel like I know you?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
No. Yours is a face I definitely wouldn't forget.
Wow.
That was, like, page one of the douchebag pickup handbook, right there.
I'll take shitty Justin Bieber lyrics for $1,000, Alex.
- I'll get outta here. You don't have to see me again. - No, no, no, no.
I really hope I get to see you again.
I hope you get to see...
I mean...
I think you know what I mean.
Yes.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Okay, then. It's settled. - Settled.
Hey, tux-o.
- Let's fucking go. - I'm coming.
I'm gonna go. Thank you.
- Coming. I'm high as shit, man. - Gotta get food.
Don't embarrass me.
It was nice to meet you, tux-o.
She called you tux-o.
Massage therapist? What the fuck was I thinking?
I dunno, but it was genius.
Did you have that one loaded in the chamber,
or was that just off the top of your head, man?
- Nope, that was right out of my ass.
And when did you become leisure suit Larry?
Oh, I wish I was leisure suit Larry. That guy's awesome.
"Oh yeah. I'm nominated for best oral, ha ha!"
"Let me finger-bang you with my wizard hand."
- That's not how I laugh. - That's exactly how you sound, man.
Either way, I never said "finger-bang you with my magical wizard hands."
Well, you might as well have.
The shit you were saying back there didn't even make sense.
Harry, look around.
We're in a fast and the furious movie right now.
Nothing has to make sense.
Dude.
This is the stripper flight.
Okay. What's a stripper flight?
Stripper flight is this legendary flight from Tampa to Vegas,
filled with strippers.
Because everyone knows the two meccas for strip clubs are Tampa and Vegas, right?
Oh. Yeah, I think that was a question on my Lsats.
So, all the best strippers work both places.
Tampa, weekdays. Vegas, weekends.
There's this one flight.
According to legend, every Thursday night,
the hottest strippers in Tampa get on the same plane to Vegas.
And Vegas is a 24-hour town, so they get on that plane ready to go.
You know, time is money.
And you can't just, like, buy a ticket.
It's not like these flights are advertised as the stripper flight.
They're totally random and unpredictable.
Dude, just like strippers.
But every now and then, the stars align,
and some lucky bastard gets bumped off his flight,
and finds himself on the stripper flight.
And if you ever end up on the stripper flight,
you owe it to yourself to go balls out.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as you can see, the captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign.
You are now free to get your freak on.
Yeah!
Okay. Not my most profound story...
Yeah, but maybe your longest.
But either way, look at yesterday.
You were this close to marrying a woman
who was time-sharing her vagina,
and look at today.
You already spent the afternoon with a bunch of banging-hot sorority chicks
in a hot tub.
Okay, dickhead. You're 30 years old.
So are they. They're just called women, now.
Either way. I bet there's gonna be a bunch of hot sorority "women"
at this dope house party I'm about to take you to.
Well, we're in the middle of nowhere.
We look like assholes.
And this dope-ass house party is definitely going to be a meth lab.
I bet the party's this way.
Oh, directly into the jungle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Nicest meth lab I've seen.
How many meth labs have you seen?
Three.
This is gonna be fucking awesome.
You know, takes a big man not to say I told you so.
Okay. Let's get it over with.
Get what over with?
- Just say it. - What did you think I was gonna say?
You're not gonna trick me into saying it.
- Trick you into saying what do you think? - You're basically...
Hello. We're here for the party.
Oh. Thank you.
I hope they're serving food at this party. I'm starving.
Me too, man. I'm doing mints right now.
Oh. I haven't brushed my teeth since yesterday,
so two birds.
Cool. Pre meal, I guess.
- Oh, baby. That sucks. - Too big, it wouldn't work.
Couldn't smoke it at the same time.
Guys, you made it.
Like, I'm so glad you got here, huh?
So glad.
I brought my friend, Harry.
Oh, hi, friend Harry.
Hey. So, you guys live here?
This is our vacation home. We just...
We just come out here for one or two months at a time when, uh...
When Monte-Carlo's feeling a little too chintzy.
Yeah, Monte-Carlo. It's like the Branson of the riviera.
Yeah. Just gets... It's too much sometimes.
Lemme show you guys around our little...
Our little jungle abode.
Have fun, boys.
All right, eh. See ya.
Hey, this place fucking rules, dude.
Oh, thanks, man. Thanks.
- Hey, Marcel. - Hello, monsieur.
How're you doing? This is my head chef, Marcel.
Dude, you got a head chef?
Marcel, these are my pals, Harry and bowie.
Pleasure to meet you.
We stole him from one of those real fancy restaurants over in Europe.
You know, the kind where they don't let you wear shorts,
and you can't even bring your own beer.
One of those dumps, you know.
Ugh, yeah.
Cost me a fortune, man.
This guy can make an omelet you just wanna fuck.
Hey, Kenny. This place is amazing.
I love how nothing matches.
- Thanks, man. Thanks. - Yeah, it's fun.
- I like it. - What do you do?
Well, I like to think of myself as an inventor, you know.
Some of it's alternative licensing.
Like, have you heard of the George foreman grill?
- Oh, yeah. You came up with the George foreman grill? - Dude. No way.
No, no, no. There's a Larry Holmes hot plate. Look at that guy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Marcel's a wizard on that thing.
Look, look. Out there. You see out there?
People under that, uh, under the blanket,
with all of the sleeves cut out of it?
- Well, I'll be. No way. - No, no, no.
That is a squilt. That is a squilt.
There's a trademark on the other thing.
Some lawsuits pending.
If it is, uh, agreeable with monsieur,
- I started serving the hors d'oeuvres. - Mmm-hmm.
We have a saffron-infused lobster mini-cake,
- served on a jalapeño dill crouton bread. - Ooh.
- Mmm. That sounds really good. - That sounds amazing.
- Mmm-hmm. - I mean, that's agreeable, yeah.
- Know what else is agreeable, though? - Hmm?
Bagel bites. Ha ha, yeah, man.
- Bagel bites, monsieur? - Yeah.
You know. It's the... It's the...
It's like a little pizza
but it's on a bagel,
and you just... you bite it.
We got some in the freezer, pop in the microwave.
I tried to make my own. Inventor.
Uh, mini muffin munchers... That's what I call 'em, but...
Can't fuck with perfection, man.
They nailed it. They nailed it.
But those lobster croutons sound amazing.
You can make the other things, too, a couple of those.
Bagel bites. Your culinary wish is my command.
Gracias.
Dude, you speak that language?
No, no. I just don't want him to feel left out, you know.
It's pretty, though. Sounds so pretty.
Can I show you what I really do for a living, though? My true passion.
- You wanna see it? - Oh, fuck, yeah, Kenny.
- You go check it out. - Okay, come on. Come here.
I can't wait to. It's gonna be so rad.
Mints.
Hey.
I didn't know you were gonna be here.
- Hi. - What're you doing here?
Oh, uh, yeah. I just, uh, came from a night dive.
If I didn't find these shoes in the bottom of my bag,
I'd be standing here in flippers.
You look great.
Aw, thanks. You're so sweet.
You look exactly the same.
- What? No.
No, this is different.
That was my beach tux.
Oh, yeah. It's all right.
Yeah. This is my cocktail t-shirt.
Obviously.
This... this is my lab, huh.
Fuckin' Harry was right. Jesus...
Kenny!
You devil. What is this?
Yeah, I know.
Yeah. We're the premiere manufacturer and retailer
of alternatively-sized and uniquely-shaped pleasure products
- in the western hemisphere. - Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm not trying to compete with Japan. They're on another level.
Yeah, they're the number ones?
Yeah, they do all kinds of stuff with real dolls and, like, fuck squids.
Anyway, so yeah. Marthy calls this my fuck factory.
Dude. Uniquely-shaped, alternatively-sized.
All right. What is this? What is this?
Oh. Oh, this one here. Okay, this guy.
This is a top seller.
Now, say you got a gal. She's in the mood,
but she has, like, a very, um,
shallow, wide vagina.
- Okay. - It happens.
- Yeah. No, no. I know. - You know, we're all...
It's the differences that makes us, uh, a whole thing.
Now, something like this. Something like this.
Look, this is gonna brutalize her.
This is gonna... this is gonna
puncture a lung. You know?
This is like an NBA player
diving into a kiddie pool.
You can't deal with this.
This is gonna hit all the erogenous zones,
but not go too deep and, uh, cause discomfort.
That's the little miss muff right there.
- Feel that, that's just, the consistency's there. - Dude, they're the same.
- Yeah, yeah. I know. - This one, what is this one, Kenny?
Okay, oh. This, this one, this is our sidewinder.
Uh, this is for, like, okay. You're a guy, you're in the mood all the time.
But you're more of a boomerang than a bow staff.
- Hmm. - You know what I'm saying? Rhino.
Rhino... that's you?
Buddy.
So that's gonna go right on there,
and it's gonna hit all the spots...
No, I know. I can visualize it for sure.
Dude, how do you come up with this shit?
This is, fucking, so smart.
Well, I mean, I've always been a tinkerer.
You know, they've got big and tall stores
for clothes, they've got that. But, uh, it's like the same concept,
but I just applied it to, uh, your fuck parts.
Fucking genius.
It's why I live in a mansion, man.
Kenny, is that your product shot?
Yeah, yeah, that's Martha's idea, you know,
we gotta get the brand out there,
she's like, "we gotta put a face to the name of the company,"
so we're trying to be the Billy Mays of dildos, and everything, you know?
Yeah, but he died, though.
What?
Mmm.
- To random encounters.
So, I have a tiny confession to make.
- Okay. - I knew I was going to see you here tonight.
- You did? - That's why I decided to cut my dive short
and get all dressed up.
How did you know about the party?
Oh, it's not that big an island.
You ask the right people the right questions you can find out anything.
What else do I not know about you?
Oh, I am full of secrets...
- Well, I have a tiny confession to make as well. - Uh-oh.
Things just got interesting. Mmm, let me guess.
You're a spy.
Nope.
The real Harry is just some guy you left in a ditch somewhere?
Wow, that took a sharp left turn. No.
Is serial killer always your second go-to?
I don't know why more people don't ask that right off the bat.
I mean, I think it's a pretty important thing to know.
- Why, have you killed somebody before? - Uh-uh, I asked you first.
- Not that I know of.
So, what was your non-serial killer confession?
Oh...
I'm not really...
I'm not really a big fan of the ocean.
What? What? How can you not like the ocean?
That's like saying you don't like music or are not that big a fan of food.
Let me clarify. I used to like the ocean,
and then I saw this monster hunters episode where they go looking
for the giant squid, and then ever since then, haven't stepped foot in the water.
The Kraken episode, that is my favorite episode!
- Yes. It is? - Totally!
Like when they find out there's thousands of squid
just hanging out a few hundred feet below the ocean surface?
- The squid superhighway! - Superhighway!
Scariest fucking thing I've ever seen!
Oh, come on, it's not scary, it's fascinating.
How they all came up to that one squid, put the camera on him,
and instead of attacking him they were just curious and looking at him,
it was like, it was so cute.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Teddy bears are cute.
Penguins are cute.
Super-intelligent squid? Nightmare fucking material.
Oh, come on. It doesn't sound amazing?
It's like that ll cool j movie.
No!
I mean, yes on the ll cool j movie, except that was with sharks.
But no on the giant squid.
They are like the assholes of the ocean.
That's why all the deep-sea divers had to wear those special wet suits
it had so much Chainmail on it, it was basically bulletproof.
I know! How awesome is that?
Okay, like...
When you see something that is beautiful and captivating and unknown,
don't you just wanna jump in?
No!
Not at all. In fact, ever since I saw that episode,
I've been eating more calamari, 'cause fuck squid.
Well, that's just too bad, 'cause I'm part squid, you know?
- Oh, you are? - Uh-huh. On my mother's side.
They're from northern Europe.
You don't look squid-ish at all.
Well, check it out.
It's a Gill.
How'd you do that?
Same way I did this.
This is for my aunt Bernice.
Fuck squid!
Harry?
Harry, are you okay?
- What happened? - I don't know, you just kept saying
"fuck squid" over and over again, and then you...
Okay, you know what? This party is lame,
we're leaving. Are you coming or are you staying?
What the fuck are you looking at?
Are you having a stroke?
Hello?
What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
Okay, you know what? We're leaving.
Okay. Are you gonna be okay? Bye, Harry.
Fuck squid.
So this guy, he's like, "hey, man, that's not a wrench,"
and I was like, "don't worry, I'm not a mechanic!"
Oh, man, that was... I didn't see that one coming, man. That's great.
Thanks, Kenny. Thanks, Martha.
I just want to say thanks for inviting us over here,
you guys are so cool.
You thought you were going to a meth lab in the woods, didn't you?
- No, I didn't... - That's what, that's what he thought.
Okay, for, like, a second! Just for a second!
You don't know what you're getting into!
No, man, now see, that's the thing, like, I know what it looks like,
but we don't judge people here, that's what's going on here.
I love that.
- Anybody can come, you do what you wanna do. - Yes.
- You do who you wanna do. - Yes.
I know it looks like a lot of derelicts
and ne'er do Wells around here, shady characters, you know?
But some of these people, some of these people are Nobel prize winners,
- you know? - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
That guy won a Nobel prize?
Him, oh, no, no. That's Jerry. Jerry's...
Jerry's got a crack problem.
Here, baby. Have one of these.
Martha, I can't have any more of these, I've been fucking eating the shit out of them.
- So I'm full. You know. - You ate a bunch of these?
Yeah, kind of for dinner.
What?
He ate them for dinner.
You wanted to get on our level.
You just did, man.
- With a bullet.
I hope that tux has a seatbelt, buddy.
- These aren't mints? - No, baby, these aren't just mints.
We found out these orgies always turned out a little more fun
if everybody was tripping balls.
So we...
Ooh, speaking of balls.
Did you say orgy?
Here we go. What is it, 8:30 already?
Um, bowie, guess what type of oreo I like best.
Can you guess?
Probably a double stuffed, you're going to say?
How did you...
You heard that joke already.
I love that almost as much as I love getting banged by two boys at the same time.
All right. Dealer's choice. Lightning round. Let's go. Who wants what?
Yeah, look, I gotta coach, so get...
Jesus Christ.
Look at the ass on this one. Who's your dad, Michelangelo?
It's like two cantaloupes trying to kiss each other back there.
Look at that. Let them even move when you did that.
That's good.
That's a strong ass. Just relax, man. Just relax.
Sweetie, do you want to get fucked? Because,
no, no, you're a guest in our home.
- You gotta loosen up. - You fucked me, Kenny.
No, I mean somebody might fuck you, but it wasn't me.
Gotta find Harry.
Fuck Harry. Let's go bury ourselves in some man ass.
Who said that?
Down here!
What's up, motherfucker?
No. This is crazy. This is bad.
Oh, I know. This orgy started 20 minutes ago,
and I haven't played reverse Jenga with any of these fine pieces of man meat.
It's a tragedy!
How is that a tragedy? We're not gay, that sounds crazy to me.
Speak for yourself, breeder.
What do you mean, I bang chicks!
Ugh, don't remind me. I was there.
Yeah, so how are you gay? I don't fucking get what you're saying.
Don't talk so loud.
Bitch, you're not the boss of me.
You don't know everything that I do.
Yeah, I thought I did. This is a real betrayal I didn't see coming at all.
Harry.
- Harry. - Hmm?
Harry, I'm freaking out, man.
Don't be rude.
Say hi to Jessica.
Hello.
How are you doing that with your eyes?
I don't know.
Ten, 20, 30. Suppose we have ten fingers. What if we had nine fingers?
Then what would it be? Nine, eight, 27, 36.
Look at my times tables. I'm a fucking times table wizard.
I remember in first grade I couldn't do my times tables,
I cried so hard, the teacher just passed me because she didn't want to deal with it.
Dude, my thoughts are in Spanish right now.
That's fucked, 'cause I don't know Spanish.
Bowie.
What?
Christine never liked regular red M&M's.
She thought they were boring.
That's weird.
She'd never eat a red M&M.
Never eat a red M&M.
Red M&M.
Maybe I'm just a regular red M&M.
You are a regular red M&M.
There's so many other types of M&M's.
I don't like when the M&M's take their shells off...
And they pretend like it's their clothes.
'Cause that's not their clothes. That's their skin.
Dark chocolate M&M's.
Dark chocolate.
Pretzel M&M's.
- Pretzel. - Mini M&M's.
- Mini. - Pumpkin spice M&M's!
- Harry? - Uh-huh?
You need to bust out of your shell.
Oh.
That's a good metaphor for what we're talking about.
I'm just an M&M!
I'm just an M&M.
I don't wanna be an M&M anymore.
I think my dick's gay, man.
Huh?
Good morning.
What happened?
I don't know.
Wait...
Is this crocodile Dundee ii?
Yeah.
You got up just in time, man, this is my favorite part.
Oh, yeah.
This is where he switches clothes with the bad guy
so that the other bad guys shoot their boss instead of him.
- Yeah. - It's genius.
So good.
You know what would make this movie even better?
Danny Trejo?
Fucking right!
- Danny Trejo makes everything better. - Yeah, he does.
Imagine crocodile Dundee ii starring Danny Trejo...
Movie would be 10 minutes long.
They would just steal his girlfriend, and then they'd call him and be like,
"hey, we have your girlfriend," and he'd just be like...
And then they would just send her back with an apology letter
and a box of chocolates.
What about jaws starring Danny Trejo?
- Okay, is Danny Trejo jaws? - No.
Danny Trejo swims out into the middle of the ocean to find jaws,
uppercuts jaws, sends jaws in orbit,
and then Danny Trejo just stares into the camera for an hour and a half.
Ooh. Independence day starring Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo rides his motorcycle into space,
straight onto the alien spaceship
and just looks at them all and goes, "don't even fucking think about it."
And then aliens are like, "sorry," and they leave,
and then Danny Trejo just goes to will Smith like,
"quit fucking around and start rapping."
Castaway starring Danny Trejo.
Where it's just Trejo? I like a just Trejo film.
Except for the volleyball, which is also Danny Trejo.
Indiana Trejo, where, the...
That he opens up the ark of the covenant and then the ark of the covenant melts.
- Mmm. - 'Cause it saw Danny Trejo.
What if, instead of fight club, it's Danny Trejo club.
Danny Trejo is... Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Ooh. - "Toodeloo."
"I miss my kids."
- What about Sophie's choice starring Danny Trejo. - Ooh.
So Danny Trejo has to decide between two other Danny Trejos.
- So that's a triple Trejo. - Talking about a triple Trejo.
Ooh. The lion king, after Mufasa held up Simba,
the camera turns around, and it's not Simba, it's goddamn Danny Trejo.
- Mmm. - And then Mufasa's like,
"everything the light touches,
"except for the elephant graveyard," and Danny Trejo's like, "fuck you, dude,"
and he goes straight to the elephant graveyard, and guess what?
That's his now, too.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
- Got the bags! - Yes!
Can't wait to get out of these tuxedos.
Yeah, I've been needing this guy.
All right.
Yes.
This is your go bag?
Booze and candy?
What would be in your go bag?
I dunno, maybe a toothbrush, some socks...
No, man, I wanna have some fun if I need to leave town.
Dig around. You're gonna love it.
Nice. Baseball cards.
Yeah, I've been thinking, and in the future,
money will end up being valueless,
but you know what people will always Cherish and want?
Ken Griffey Jr.
- Whoa! - Fuck man, what the shit?
That is not my bag.
Yeah, I know.
I think I'd figure it out if my best friend was fucking Pablo Escobar.
What are you doing? How did this fucking get here?
Hello?
- Hi. The door was open. - Hey, Colette.
- Hi. - Do you want some, uh...
- Some salt water Taffy? - No, we don't have a lot of it.
No thanks, I'm good.
I just came by because Angela wants to hire you for us for the day.
Okay, for what?
Massages.
- Oh, yes. Because that's... - That's what we do. That's what we do.
That's who we are.
Great.
So we'll come... You should go, you go get ready on the yacht.
Yeah, we'll freshen up, and...
- We'll meet you there. - Just go ahead.
Okay, yeah. I'll see you there.
Okay.
- Oh, my god. - Oh, my god.
You figure out what to do with this, um, I'm gonna go get us some clothes, okay?
You couldn't find anything better?
I wouldn't be caught dead in this.
This is by far the coolest stuff they had at the gift shop.
We look like extras on Magnum, p.I.
Okay, how is that a bad thing?
Tom Selleck?
Goddamn it, you're right.
He is timeless.
Ladies!
Last night was crazy. Who's ready to feel some magic...
What are you guys? What are you... okay. Ouch.
Hey, this guy's pinching my neck right now!
He's got a monkey grip.
Who the fuck are you?
I don't know. Who the fuck are you?
What?
Honey...
Do you know these guys?
Um...
No, I never seen them before in my life.
Well what's he talking about magic fingers, then?
Um...
Oh, you know what? I was dancing with the girls the other night at the club,
and I hurt my back,
so I called the hotel and I said, "do youse have any massage therapists?"
This must be them, you guys are the massage therapists, right?
- Yep, that's us. - Okay, cool, yeah, so they're from the hotel.
- Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. - Mmm. Yeah.
I mean, what two idiots are going to voluntarily wear clothes like that?
So, the hotel makes you wear this shit?
Uh, yes, sir. Feels like fiberglass.
- Pretty itchy. - Oh, I bet it is.
May I see?
I actually think it makes me look quite strapping. Kinda buff, even.
Also a magnet for Bo.
I guess.
Okay, honey, why don't you go downstairs and get ready.
I'll send your friends down in a sec.
Thank you, honey, I love you.
Anything for you, sugar lips.
You guys have a really beautiful relationship.
Thank you.
So... Your massage therapy story might check out,
but that still doesn't mean you're not gonna try
to get your slimy little pencil dicks into my wife.
- Slimy... - Mine's actually average,
I've done research, and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
Sir, I can assure you that on behalf of the...
Tradewinds island resort,
we have no ill-intentions towards your wife whatsoever.
Why would I believe that?
- Because... - Because we're gay.
- Yep.
Yeah.
- Gay? - Super.
Super gay. We do all the stereotypes.
Uh... I won best dressed in high school...
Yep, yep, we watch a lot of bravo.
- Really? - We make, like, passionate love to lady gaga, like,
- passionate love, it's like two suns burning. - That's a lot of detail.
You two knuckleheads,
you walk on to my yacht,
wanna touch my wife,
tell me you're gay and you expect me to believe it?
Yes?
Okay, then. Do you need help finding your way downstairs?
Wait, for real? You believe it? We're good?
Yeah, sure. I believe you.
I mean, what, I'm gonna make you touch dicks or something?
This is the 21st century for Christ's sakes,
couple of finnocchios tell me they're gay, which you two obviously are,
I'm not gonna make you have to prove it.
It's like telling me you're left-handed or red-headed.
I mean, I dunno if it's obvious that we're gay.
Not quite sure what Pinocchio has to do with this.
I feel like we give off a masculine vibe.
Not at all. See my guys here?
They're gay!
I officiated at their wedding.
Very beautiful.
Your mother cried...
- Very sweet. - That's wonderful.
Now go. Don't keep my wife waiting.
You guys need help finding your way downstairs?
Nope, we'll find it.
If you guys excuse me, I've got some business to attend to.
No problem.
Just go below.
But way below, 'cause it's a big boat.
I'm nervous.
I'm not. I do this stuff at work all the time.
What?
Hello?
- Hello. - Hi.
You ready?
Yeah, so, uh, where do you want me?
Uh, the bed.
I mean... this table.
Table bed.
- Yeah. - I'll turn around.
Thank you.
Okay.
- Hello. - Hi.
Before we get started, you should know that
a lot of my clients refer to me as the David Blaine of
magic.
That doesn't make sense.
David Blaine... never mind.
Teachable moment.
Did you know that it's well documented in scientific and anthropological communities
that while
comparable and complementary skills and attributes are absolutely essential
in achieving intimacy between two people,
the same is not so much
true when it comes to things like
sexual fulfillment or
sheer, unbridled
animalistic passion.
- What the fuck is happening? - Eye contact.
Studies have shown that when it comes to pure adulterated no strings attached sex
that's when the highest levels of dopamine and oxytocin are released from the body.
And subsequently,
the most intense and pleasurable orgasms occur
when one partner has disproportionately more of something than the other.
In our case, it's like, "oh, my god, take your pick," I mean maturity.
- No. - Basic self-awareness.
I am very aware that I am great.
Ability to see at night.
Who has that? Which one of us is a lemur?
I mean the list goes on and on. You get it,
blah, blah, blah. You're terrible!
Intercourse...
Commence!
Okay!
Whoa.
Are you okay?
Yep. Yeah.
Just, uh...
Fluffing your aura.
Oh.
Yeah.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
So, um...
Do you that think maybe you can get my upper bicuspid?
Your upper bicuspid?
- Sure. - Hmm.
Of course, mine always gets tight as well.
Okay, okay...
What are you doing?
What are you talking about?
This is my bicuspid!
Why do you want me to massage your tooth?
Oh, my god, I don't want you to massage my tooth.
- Now who the fuck are you? - Okay!
Okay.
- I'm not a massage therapist. - No shit.
Or a dentist.
Oh, and by the way I looked up the handies.
You don't even want to know what came up.
All right, the truth...
I'm here on my honeymoon.
With bowie?
Yeah.
Oh.
No, not like that.
I was supposed to get married this past weekend.
Obviously, it didn't happen.
And so now,
bowie and I decided to go on the honeymoon together.
It's just been a complete what-the-fuck fest ever since.
I don't know what's going on.
Okay, the only thing I do know is that the only time I'm not completely
miserable is when I'm with you.
Wow.
Yeah.
That really sucks.
Oh.
No, I mean that part about
your wedding sucks.
The other part was really sweet.
You're the best thing that's happened to me since Friday.
You know, I've seen a lot of
movies that start out this way.
I've been in a lot of movies that started out this way.
Oh.
No, really.
So if at any point I start taking off these sexy little shorts...
Just stop me, it's a bad habit.
Uh, okay, noted.
I'll...
Do some rocks.
My specialty.
That's...
Oh, ow!
Okay, that one was hot. It was on the bottom.
It's okay.
- Yes!
- Oh, my god, damn it!
I'm out of rocks, um...
I'm gonna go find some more.
You stay right here.
You're a sweet, sweet angel from heaven.
- Hmm.
So...
How did it end?
Spectacularly.
So what do you really do?
I'm a lawyer.
- Shut up, you're a lawyer? - Yeah.
And you've lied about being a massage therapist?
I plead the fifth.
Well done.
What about you? What do you do?
Oh, um...
I am a professional waster of potential.
Okay, what does that mean?
You know when you're a kid
and all you dream about is all the wonderful and amazing
things you're gonna do when you grow up?
Sure.
Well, I grew up and I never did any of those things.
Oh, come on.
When I was a kid, I dreamed about being a firetruck.
Like literally a firetruck.
That's what I wanted to be.
Stop.
I mean, you had to have done some cool things with your life.
Yeah, I've done some things.
Okay...
It's killing me. I know that I know you. How do I know you?
Um...
Hmm...
Ah... okay. When I was 21,
I was picked to be the face of a new energy sports drink.
- Diesel valve.
- Yeah. - Oh, my god.
You're the diesel Valkyrie.
Holy shit.
That super bowl commercial was huge. You were everywhere.
Yeah, I was. I mean one minute I was just some college kid and the next...
Boom.
It's crazy.
You think your life is gonna go this one way
and then something happens that completely changes it.
Yeah.
So then what do you do?
It's your life.
You live it.
So no regrets, huh?
Well, I was just
two credits shy of getting my degree in marine biology when everything happened.
Okay, I get it. That's why you're scuba diving every day.
Yeah, yeah, I've actually been doing it with some of the people
from the marine institute here and...
They said if I wanted to stay to work on a fellowship
and finish my degree, I could.
That's awesome.
Is it?
I don't know.
I mean, I wouldn't do it 'cause I'm scared shitless of the ocean...
But it's cool for you.
It's scary
actually, possibly becoming the person you've always wanted to be.
I'm not big on plans.
Well I think if you have a chance,
you should go for it.
Okay.
Okay what?
Okay, I'll do it.
- Yeah. - That's it?
You're just gonna make a huge life-altering decision just like that?
How else do you make one?
You just changed my entire life.
Hold on. Slow down.
I think maybe you should think about it. I can't handle that responsibility.
- It's stressing me out.
Today was a good day.
You didn't even have to use your AK.
Hmm. That feels so good.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're so good with your hands.
Thanks, it's called the curious cat.
Hmm.
You want the ocean breeze package now?
Ooh, yes, please!
- Coming right up. - Hmm.
Just like you're at the ocean, right?
Maybe if the ocean ate a giant fucking bowl of nachos.
Jesus Christ, what'd you eat?
A giant bowl of nachos.
We'll stay down here.
Hey, come on in.
- Doing this. - Yeah, doing this.
- Just, uh... - Ah!
Whoa.
- You all right? - Sorry, I didn't know you were starting.
Seem a little tense?
A little tense.
Yeah, uh, I haven't
been back here since my husband passed away
tragically.
You're husband passed away in Rancho para?
Um, yeah, he was.
Vincent's accountant for many years,
and then he died in a very tragic accident.
What happened?
Well, he
accidentally shot himself in the face
and then he fell into a car trunk
and it landed in the bottom of the ocean, so...
It was a lot.
It was like Murphy's law.
Like, what else could go wrong?
Yeah...
I trust the trip was enjoyable?
Can we get you anything?
Hors d'oeuvres, drinks, something?
If it's all the same to you,
let us dispense with the
- pleasantries. - Right.
Straight to business. No bullshit.
A man after my own heart.
I love cash.
It's always the right size and the right color.
You're just so talented.
Do you ever turn it off?
I don't know how.
Careful, my husband's upstairs.
Yeah, what's up with that guy?
Well, you know...
It's funny you should ask.
He and I have sort of
an agreement.
Like?
You both agree Shawshank redemption is a great move?
Uh-uh.
That is a different agreement! Yeah, no, I like...
I like this agreement more.
Wow...
It's actually, like, totally average.
Thank you.
What does Vincent do exactly?
Oh, he's a man of many pursuits.
Um...
He has an import-export business of some sort.
He owns many abandoned warehouses.
He has a limo company.
Strip club. The limo takes people to the strip club.
He has an exotic animal farm with a lot of lizards.
He also has very hungry pigs.
You're going to like our product.
It's, uh, Primo shit.
Okay, well, why don't you lay down, I just gotta
take care of some things.
That sounds like Vincent.
- That's a good impression. - Just give me one minute...
- Sure. - And I'll be right back.
Bowie?
Okay, remember that agreement.
- Okay. - Keep that up here.
- Okay. - I'll be right back.
Bowie, come out here.
Can I talk to you for one minute please? Thank you.
What are you doing? I'm getting to know Angela
and I'm this close to a fucking two for Tuesday right now.
That's a bad idea. Do you know who her husband is?
Yeah, he's the nicest man I've ever heard of. They have a beautiful agreement.
Yeah, I'm sure they do.
I bet he made her an offer she couldn't refuse.
What are you talking about?
When she said this is her family's yacht,
she didn't mean her family.
She meant the family!
Like the Kardashians?
No! The fucking mafia!
We need to get the hell out of here.
Okay, we just need seven minutes.
Now!
I can do it in two and a half.
Excuse me?
No, no, no, hold on.
Let me pull up my translation app.
- It's some kind of mistake...
- Can you say that again? - How dare you disrespect me!
We'll get this straightened out.
Bang, bang, bang.
Nope, you're right, let's go.
Holy shit!
This shouldn't have been that easy.
I mean these are Japanese triads for Christ's sake.
I mean these guys
are lethal killing machines. You ever watched the movies?
They, they use knives and swords and shit.
I mean one guy can take out an entire squad.
But here, it was like...
Bang, bang, bang, they're dead.
I mean, Craig, you didn't even put down your tray.
I'm proud of you.
Hey, moron!
Get up here.
Yeah, boss man.
What the fuck is this?
Uh...
It's a suitcase full of clothes.
And, um...
A bunch of dead
Koreans or...
Hawaiians maybe?
Ooh, mini hot-dogs!
Okay. Hmm...
- You had one job. - Mmm-hmm.
One fucking job!
To go to the airport,
pick up a suitcase for me,
and bring it back here.
This is not my suitcase.
Where is my fucking suitcase?
Oh, right.
Funny story, I gave a lift to these guys as a favor
of a buddy of mine who scored me really great weed
and concert tickets, if you guys need some.
Anyways, uh...
I went and had to get their luggage as well, I might have switched their bag
with your bag.
Honest mistake.
You know, my fault, but
they're staying here on the island so it should be easy just to get
the bag back. No harm, no foul.
Randy, if you weren't my mother's favorite nephew, I swear to Christ you'd be
dead like them!
Thanks, cuz! I love you too.
Okay, boys, get me Harry Fluder.
F-I-u-d-e-r.
Flounder? Fluder?
Just find him.
- Tell me you didn't fuck his wife. - I didn't fuck his wife.
Promise me you didn't fuck his wife.
I promise.
- I might of touched a boob. - What?
We have two minutes to Keyser Soze the fuck out of here.
Okay, well, what are we gonna do about your drugs?
They're not my drugs!
We're gonna get rid of them.
It's not exactly a carry-on.
Goddamn it.
- What can I do? - I don't know. Get a plunger or something.
- Something... - Okay, all right.
Maybe a hanger?
This is what I got.
We can't fuck the drugs away.
It's all I have right now, man.
Let me try. Let me try.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Fuck man. - Is everything a fucking joke to you?
Can you even comprehend the situation that we're in right now?
Oh, now is when I bet you tell me that this is all my fault.
Yes! Of course this is your fault!
Who else's fault could it be?
News flash.
You're not Ferris Bueller.
You're just a fucking asshole.
Oh, fuck you, man.
Now is when it comes out? I spend my whole life looking after you.
Fucking showing you the time of your life and this is the thanks I get?
Oh, oh, sorry did you want me to thank you?
- Yes. - Okay, I'm sorry, thank you.
Thank you for turning my life into a complete and utter
fuck-a-palooza.
None of this was about showing me the time of my life.
This is about you not having to live yours.
See, you don't want me to grow up
because you're afraid
that I'll leave you behind.
That's why you're always pulling some epically stupid shit.
Well, I'm tired of you always dragging me down.
That's what you really think?
Yeah.
Fuck you.
You're not my best friend anymore.
You're not my best friend anymore either.
We really gotta start locking this door.
Hiya, boys.
Long time no see!
All right, so, uh...
Let's cut right to the chase.
You know me.
And I
know you who you are.
Harry Fluder, 5220 Archer road.
And...
Beauregard Pemberton.
Beauregard.
The fourth?
There are four of you!
Yeah, uh...
302 southwest east, third street.
- Ah, bingo. - Ah.
So I want to apologize for any discomfort my guys may have caused you.
Um, can I get you anything?
Uh, we're fine.
Actually, uh,
I'd love a sparkling water.
Sure.
Get him a sparkling water.
Oh, ah, with a lemon wedge?
Lemon wedge coming up.
I mean, he's asking.
So...
You didn't just bring us here to kills us?
No, why would I do that?
I don't know. 'Cause, like, we could go to the cops.
I have a cousin who works in the FBI. I can tell him about...
Are you actively trying to get us shot?
No, you're not those kind of guys.
- No, we are not those type of guys. No.
Your cousin's a security guard.
Yeah, but at the FBI.
How is it?
It's a little warm.
Can I get some ice?
Sure.
What the fuck?
- You didn't even make it in. - We're done here.
Make sure you stay out of trouble.
So, that's it?
You're just gonna...
Forget about it?
There is one thing.
Uh, you guys got ahold of a suitcase that belonged to me.
That suitcase.
Which was filled with drugs.
Now, not so much.
There's still a lot of drugs in there, though.
You owe me money.
Secondly,
you've seen my face.
I've admitted
that those drugs belong to me.
Now, there are only two types of people
that can see this kind of stuff.
A,
People that work for me and,
b...
- Oh!
You just cut them up and carry them around in a bag?
Yeah, I thought step two of murder was get rid of the body!
I'm senior staff, I don't do the cutting.
Plus, I was trying to make a point.
Point taken, you fucking psycho. Relax.
Okay, now listen.
I've got good news.
There seems to be an immediate opening in my organization available.
If you work for me and do one job,
you won't owe me any money.
Or b...
You can, you know...
I have an empty bag.
Could you just give us
one minute to discuss this between ourselves?
Sure, take your time.
Okay, could everybody turn around and cover their ears?
No, that's not gonna happen.
- Okay, we'll just whisper. - Okay.
I don't think this is the kind of guy we want to be indebted too.
Yeah, but I don't think we really have a choice. Look at him.
All white. What is it Easter right now?
He's fucking crazy.
- Haven't you seen the godfather? - Yeah.
There may be a day, where I come in and ask you for a favor.
Oh, my god, Harry, that impression was fucking spot on.
I've been sitting on that one for a while.
- I thought it was appropriate. - It was totally appropriate.
You've been crushing this whole vacation with these impressions.
I didn't know you had it in you.
- Thanks man. - I still fucking hate you though.
I still fucking hate you too.
There's no way this guy really trusts us,
so he's not gonna give us a big job.
I bet it's some, like, victimless mundane crime. I'm positive.
Okay, we talked about it. We're gonna do it.
- What... what, no! - Excellent.
- Great.
Good choice.
I need you to, uh,
take care of somebody for me.
Uh, you know, not my wife, just...
That one.
What did she do?
Nothing really...
I mean, accidentally, she saw something she shouldn't have.
I've been agonizing over this, really.
But, uh, I can't very well ask her to whack herself, right?
So, listen. Vito and NICKIE are gonna kinda tag along,
right, make sure nothing goes wrong.
Then, you're free to go.
And thanks, fellas.
You're really taking a load off my mind.
Yeah, thanks for the water.
JK, it fucking sucks.
Honestly, that could have gone way worse.
What are you talking about?
Dude, we just had a meeting with Vincent Gambazzo
in an abandoned warehouse and he let us go.
- Yeah, to kill Colette. - We're not gonna have to kill Colette.
We're just gotta get in a couple of good
punches!
Huh. Fuck!
We're gonna have to kill Colette.
Hey, hun.
Just finished my sudoku game.
And I think I just figured out the secret to cold fusion.
Oh yeah?
I know, the patent alone could be worth billions.
Anyway, I was thinking maybe we could watch the sunset,
and then, practice the last half of the Kama-Sutra.
That sounds great.
All right, I was wrong, man.
This is bad.
This is real fucking bad.
How are we supposed to go through with this?
Yeah, man. How many people have you killed?
None. But my gun has killed a bunch. Allegedly.
How are we even supposed to find her?
Don't worry, she'll turn up.
Hey, guys.
Kenny!
Kenny! Kenny's here.
- Hi, hi. Hi. - Kenny!
Okay.
Uh, anyway, I'm having a party at the house.
You know how those are, Ragers, wouldn't want
the belles of the ball to miss it.
Who are your friends? Look at these guys, look at them. Matching set.
Big and tall.
Strong, silent type. Okay.
- All right, I get it. You're digging in. - Yeah, yeah, okay.
Playing hard to get, huh, mount Olympus?
Can't wait to climb you.
Both!
Gotta hose you off.
Let's save that for when the sun goes down, at least.
- Come one. - I have a big appetite.
I know, I'm stuffed though, we got to get out of here.
All right.
I'll kill her. I'm gonna do it.
What are you talking about?
I need a beer if I'm gonna murder someone.
Is that all right?
- Okay. - What do you want? What type of beer do you guys like?
Just water.
Just water? I thought you guys were murderers, don't be pussies.
Here you go. Water for the gentlemen.
Important to stay hydrated.
We can't kill her.
What are we supposed to do? Just wait and see if she shows up?
If she shows up.
I don't know, Harry. I just don't fucking know
what I'm doing. Just going with it right now.
Hi.
Oh, shit.
Um, I was just going to go for a dive, you know, clear my head.
Look for the Kraken.
Sorry. Change of plans.
You should zip up your suit.
Wow, you know, I really like what you guys have done with the place.
Do you guys summer here?
No, this is where we keep the oars, propellers...
Dead bodies.
Go ahead.
No, no, no.
Sorry.
- What if I don't do it?
Then I shoot your friend.
What if I'm okay with that?
Listen, either you do it,
or we shoot you both and use your hand to shoot her.
Harry, wait, there's time. There's still time.
Hey guys, let me tell you this quick story about a young boy
and his unbridled love of guns n' roses.
Would you like to hear that...
- Shut the fuck up! - You shut the fuck up!
You know there are bullets in that thing.
Shut the fuck up about this...
Wait! Wait!
Just hold on a second.
I gotta say something.
Bowie.
I didn't mean what I said before.
You don't bring me down.
Some of the best times I ever had have been with you, man.
Yeah?
You remember that time,
we waited outside Fred durst's hotel
just so he could sign our red Yankees caps.
He was such a fucking dick to us.
Or the first time we smoked grass.
It wasn't really weed.
It was actual grass but we still pretended
that we were high for three days.
Look, I don't care what you do for a living.
You're my best friend.
You're not my best friend.
'Cause you're my brother, man.
I love you.
Are you crying?
If I am, it's only 'cause of this gun.
Are you crying?
That's a beautiful friendship, right there.
Okay, no. Look, I've had enough of whatever this is.
- Time's up. - Fuck you!
Fuck.
Damn it!
Okay, you guys are free to go.
Yeah, it's a good job.
It's done, boss.
Good.
All right.
Look, get everybody back here. We're leaving in about...
Two hours.
Yeah. Wait a minute. Um,
bring me back a sandwich.
I don't care. Surprise me.
But no onions.
Where the hell is everybody?
Oh. Hey guys, let's go, I want to get out of here.
Hey, daddy.
Oh, you want to arrest me?
Mmm-hmm.
Good.
- You have the right to remain silent.
I've been wanting to do this all week.
Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law.
Careful, honey. I got a glass chin.
Ah!
You have the right to an attorney.
Oh baby, the things I'm gonna do to you.
Vincent Anthony Gambazzo, you are under arrest
for trafficking illegal narcotics,
racketeering and conspiracy to commit murder.
What? Ow! Hey!
Come here.
Put your hands behind your head.
What the fuck is going on?
You've got nothing on me.
- What do you do it so tight? - Put your hands behind your back.
Does the name Colette Weller mean anything to you?
Um, no.
How about Harry Fluder?
- Bowie Pemberton? - Doesn't ring a bell.
Really?
'Cause that's not what they have to say.
Never heard of us.
Really?
Beauregard, remember?
Lemon water, you thought we were gay. Come on dude.
Oh, these guys?
No, I'm sorry, my bad.
I'm bad with names.
Yeah, I know these guys. They've been guests on my boat.
So, you're telling me that I'm under arrest
for killing three people that aren't dead?
Yes, I am.
You should be indicted
for conspiring to be an idiot.
I need you to take care of somebody for me.
Um, you know, not my wife, just...
That one. And thanks, fellas.
You're really taking a load off my mind.
And that's not even half of it.
And I've got it all here.
Enough to put your sad, soft dick in prison.
Wait. How did you get that recording?
Well, talk about blowjobs anywhere near a guy's dick and
I could have tattooed a rainbow unicorn on you,
and you never would have noticed.
Just stop me, it's a bad habit.
Oh, oh.
It's also the least thoroughly searched area in a pat down.
All right, come on guys. Let's go.
Hold on to me.
If I trip, I'll sue you.
Who gives a shit, these are so fucking tight.
You know what? You're all uninvited to my party in the Hamptons, you hear me?
We also had Vincent's phone tapped.
And we recorded this, right after you guys left.
As soon as this two
fuck-sticks are done taking care of her,
I want you to take care of them.
No loose ends.
Whoa!
That's pretty cool.
They wanted to kill you.
Yeah, but you knew about it so, it's all right.
The bug we had on you only transmitted locally
so we had no idea where they took you.
Our guys couldn't pick you up until after you called us from the mansion,
so, how did you get out of there?
Oh, so,
you weren't really that careful about it.
Could have got killed.
Okay, here is what happened.
All right,
I can never remember, do we do this like a burrito or a crepe?
What's the difference?
Well, burrito's folded into a pocket
but stuff spills out the bottom.
Whereas, a crepe, you just fold over
and it spills out the top.
Why don't we just roll her up like a Taquito, then?
No, see, you're thinking of a blintz, I think.
Ah,
maybe, maybe we'll do, oh...
Oh... maybe we'll do it like a hot...
Hot pocket.
Kick.
Hum...
How are you doing that with your eyes?
How are you doing that with your arm?
I'm not sure.
Ah.
Oh.
Is that a ninja
or a samurai?
Damn it! I would have had a really cool one liner
about how badass that just looked
if my brain wasn't so fucking muddled with terror,
on account you just killed Colette like a son of a bitch.
Aw! Did anyone oar-Der an ass whopping?
That would have been perfect, damn it!
Sorry, it's not important to what we're
talking about right now, though.
Bowie!
Why the fuck did you do that? I was trying to buy us time.
I drugged those two assholes, we just needed two more minutes.
- Bowie! - No, don't bowie me, man.
We just made up and now I'm going to have to
fucking testify against you in court. They're going to say, "who was it?"
And I'm not a liar. So, I'm gonna have to point at you
and I'm gonna have to say, "it was fucking Harry."
Bowie!
Holy shit, Colette!
You okay?
Why are you not dead?
I mean, I'm really glad you're not dead,
but why the fuck are you not dead?
Fuck squid. They are like the assholes of the ocean.
That's why all the deep-sea divers had to wear those special wet suits
it had so much Chainmail on it, it was basically...
Bullet-proof.
You knew it!
So, you're not just like a murderer.
You should zip up your suit.
Trust me.
Okay.
This is big, Harry.
I am fucking jacked up right now.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Good shot.
I was aiming for your leg.
Never mind.
This is great.
Isn't this great? Look around. Look at what we did. This is so great.
Where did you get the drugs?
Oh, dude.
It was Kenny.
Guys!
Kenny!
Good to see Kenny!
Kenny, we're in trouble, do you have mints?
- Back pocket. - Oh, Kenny!
- Hi, hi. Hi. - Kenny!
Here. Water for the gentlemen.
Important to stay hydrated.
Ow, ow, gentle, gentle! Oh, god.
I can't believe you fucking did it, man.
Yeah, yeah, can we just get out of here? -Wait.
I have an idea.
Is this really necessary?
Told you I wouldn't be caught dead in those clothes.
Watch you head, Colette.
Son of a...
It's done, boss.
Scientifically speaking, what we did is called
crocodile Dundee ii -ing.
This is where he switches clothes with the bad guy
so that the other bad guys shoot their boss instead of him.
Wow!
I've got to say, I'm...
I'm impressed.
What do you say, like,
maybe when we get back to the mainland
go on like, a date?
You seem like a pretty nice guy.
I know, thanks.
So, how should I put this?
Um... mmm!
- You see that, right there? - Yeah.
I'd rather shove that up my ass and pull it out my vagina
than do anything with you.
Whoa!
What a Grosso!
What a fuckin' nut!
Did you hear that?
Oh yeah, we heard all that.
Oh my god, man.
I think I'm in love, I bet she's into some weird shit.
Wait! Hold on! I love you!
Match made in heaven.
Well, um,
it was really great meeting you.
Thanks for shooting me.
You're welcome.
Now, if you ask me if I've ever killed someone, I can say that I tried.
Yeah, how about next time, we overthrow a dictator.
Or, yeah, we could stop a bank robbery.
Yeah.
Or just play it by ear.
That would really mess with my plans.
Hey! Where are you going? Freeze!
I'll get you, you bitch.
Whoa!
Oh no!
Was that the first time you guys were gonna...
I ruined it.
Shit!
Okay, well, keep going and all that.
You guys are cute!
Hi.
- Help, help. - All right, I got you.
Dude, that trip was exactly what I needed.
You know what?
Me too.
- For real? - Yeah, man, I feel great.
I like this new Harry, man. What are going to do now?
Oh, I got this text on the plane.
I guess I should just probably go back in to work.
Dude, I haven't got shit, this week.
I'm coming.
I still have no idea what you do for work.
I work hard, man, what else do you need to know?
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