AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday
Remember when we were kids?
Life was all there in front of us,
waiting to happen.
You could be an astronaut or the President,
whatever the hell you wanted.
Every day was an adventure,
and things were only going to get better.
Then the years pass and you start to see...
...that it's all a big fairy tale.
Total bullshit.
I'm no genius,
but I like to think I've figured
a few things out along the way.
For one thing, modern civilization is a scam.
A sad, pointless charade built on lies.
You have to have the courage to go your own way.
Happiness is hard to come by.
Sure as hell aren't gonna find it
in some stupid gadget.
There you are, tapping on some little box...
...while the real shit is happening
all around you, dumbass.
I hate you so much.
Yes, I do, yeah. I hate you.
Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing
but love for my fellow human beings.
I'm a people person all the way,
one hundred percent.
Look at you. What a pretty dog!
Look at those ears.
What's your name? What's your name?
My name is Pepper.
And I'm five years old.
And this morning...
...I was a bad, bad girl.
People get really creeped out
when you talk in the fake dog voice.
I believe that every one of us has a story to tell...
...and we're all part of the human family.
How tragic we've lost all sense of community.
A sense of camaraderie
with our friends and neighbors.
You mind if I sit here?
I don't think there's anyone sitting at those tables.
But she likes the sunny spot.
Don'tcha? Don'tcha like the sunny spot?
I'm actually right in the middle of something, so...
Working man, eh?
Good deal.
Wife? Kids?
Hey, asshole! I'm talking to you.
Nobody has actual conversations anymore.
It's a real shame.
I mean, everybody's got something valuable to offer
if you just take the time to listen.
Nope. Sorry.
Saggy-balls motherfucker!
And if you're lucky enough
to find a friend or two in this world...
...well, brother, you've hit the jackpot.
So...
...what did Wilson think of our news?
I didn't tell him yet.
Oh, God, not another kid!
No, no.
It's just we were thinking
we might want to move somewhere...
...where we could actually afford to buy a house.
Show him the pictures.
Where is this?
St. Louis.
Missouri?
Jesus Christ.
St. Louis?
It's actually a pretty interesting town.
Oh, okay, that flies in the face of everything
I've ever heard...
...about St. Louis in particular
and Missouri at large!
What the hell do you know about it?
Look, I get it.
You don't want to have to be the ones to cart poor old...
...Wilson to the hospital when he conks out.
Get out while the going's good.
Smart move!
Holy shit.
This has nothing to do with you, Wilson.
Oh, that's nice! Thanks for thinking of me!
I always knew that she hated me...
...but I always thought that you were my best friend!
He's your only friend! Jodie!
No, I'll be fucked if I sit here
and let you give us a guilt trip about this.
Why don't you get off your lazy ass
and go find some new fucking friends?!
Jesus Christ!
Life can be a difficult business.
We need to be thankful for everything we have.
Caveman was happy with the roof over his head...
...a day's supply of food,
and a family to share his burden.
Honey, I'm home!
What's for dinner?
Well, two out of three.
That's not so bad, I guess.
Of all the times to call!
Hello?
He what?
Hey.
Honey, you're so beautiful!
Yeah, we're gonna have so much fun!
So, I don't know how long I'll be.
It's a family emergency.
I hope it's nothing serious.
Oh, hell, yeah. It's serious.
Yeah, my old man has terminal cancer.
I am so sorry.
I lost my brother to lymphoma.
You take as much time as you need.
And don't worry about anything.
I'll take such good care of her.
Um...
She needs to have these pills every...
Is this our new little friend? Who's this crazy kid, man?
Who's this guy?
Diego. Nice to meet you.
Wait, I thought it was just you.
Diego lives here with me.
He helps out a ton with the animals.
Okay, yeah. That's just...
How do you know he's not some crazy dog fucker?
He's not. No, I'm not.
Ooh.
Where you headed, bro?
I'm sorry. What?
Where you going?
I'm going home.
Ah.
I'm going to visit my dad in the hospital.
Stage-four lung cancer.
Took a bad turn last night. Fell in the shower.
Sorry, to hear that.
So, um...
What do you do? What?
I'm sorry, what? What's your line?
Your job.
J-O-B?
Um, I do management consulting,
mostly in the I.T. sector.
Oh, no kidding! Because I do some...
...C.N.P.-ing
in the V.H.C-slash-1-G-Q-point...
Come on, man.
Nobody actually understands that bullshit.
I mean I want to know...
...what are the actual activities of your day?
You know, different things. I, um...
Meetings, uh, phone calls, reports.
But, you know, I mostly, uh...
...primarily focus on manage...
Listen, brother, forty years from now
you're gonna be on your deathbed saying:
"Where did it all go?
"What did I do with those precious days?
"Some shitwork for the oligarchs?"
I actually enjoy what I do,
and I've worked my ass off to get there.
How did we end up like this?!
Okay, so...
...this is it, I guess.
When Mom died it just happened, you know, but...
...you have the chance to leave me with something.
Couldn't you...
...see that I needed you to tell me just one time...
...that you loved me?
Or that you hated me, or...
...something.
Something besides the problems with your goddamn garden.
If you can hear me, just squeeze my hand.
Just...
...come on, fucker!
Dad?
Something?
It's too late, isn't it?
There it is.
You have any kids of your own?
Excuse me?
Do...
...you...
...have any niños of your own?
Two. But they grown up.
Hell of a job doing what you do.
I can't imagine what it's like working for some...
...asshole whitey fuckers
who can't even be bothered to...
...raise their own family.
I got to go.
That's okay. I got it covered.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just...
My dad just passed on and...
It's weird, I can't even...
I never thought I'd say "passed on."
He died.
We used to play ball.
Right out there.
If it wasn't for him, I'd throw like a damn pussy.
He was a good...
...man, in general, you know?
Who's that?
It's me, Wilson.
I wanted to see if you still lived here.
Can I come in?
You want some beet juice?
Fuck, no!
You seen Meyers lately?
Nah.
Guy's an asshole.
Hmm.
My dad died.
Yeah.
So I'm kind of... My old man's still alive.
Motherfucker won't die.
He fucking will not die.
93 years old. I'm literally counting the seconds.
Well, I just...
I don't have any family left.
And I've known you...
...since we were, what, nine years old? Ten?
I don't have a single person who shares
my same memories, you know?
Lucky you.
You know...
...people always said that you were kind of "difficult,"
but I don't know, I guess that...
Who said that? Fucking Ted Kuby?
No. No, no.
I think that...
...I need to change my life a little bit. Just...
...you know, meet some new people and...
...shake things up a...
Ugh...
Excuse me.
I'm thinking to...
...try dating again a little bit, you know?
Yeah, I gave up on women a long time ago.
You bust your fucking ass... and what do you get?
Empty fucking bank account?
Getting bitched at all the time?
It's a fucking fool's errand!
You know, Olsen,
I was thinking that maybe we could be friends again.
But I guess... I sort of forgot...
...what a toxic soul-draining vampire you really are.
And by the way, those grapes have turned.
Pull over, dumbass!
It's my dad's car!
Nice driving, asshole!
Everybody's in a hurry.
Hey, could you hand me that chicken?
Oh, sure. Here.
Hold this. Okay.
Twelve dollars?
Oh, my God. Are you fucking serious?
That's twelve dollars?
Oh, I know. It is a total racket.
They know that pet owners are all damaged
and neurotic and we will...
...happily throw our money
at the most nonsensical crap just to...
...buy a little affection.
Yeah. Yeah, no shit. No shit.
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
I am so, so, so sorry.
My, uh...
I'm just not used to this car.
It's actually okay. It's fine.
Well, it looks like you have maybe a crack
or a crease or a dent.
That was already there.
Why don't we exchange information?
Just in case... You know.
It looked like he did it on purpose.
It's fine, okay? It's fine. Thank you.
But excuse me! Before you go, um...
Is there any chance that we could, uh...
...maybe go out sometime?
I felt like we had a spark or something back there.
Why does every fucking psycho
always pick on me, man?
What the fuck did I ever do wrong?
Get away from my car.
I'm not a psycho, lady.
What the heck crawled up her ass?
Yeah, no kidding.
I'd be pretty stoked if some random guy
tapped my car just to get into my pants.
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
My angel lover
My, my, my, my, my, my, my My angel lover
Oh, Christ, I haven't done this in a long time.
Me, neither. I don't get asked out on too many dates.
Oh, men can be cruel.
Looks aren't all that important to me.
Whoa. That's good.
Wow, this place has got 1,748 reviews on Yelp.
And what the hell does that even mean?
Yelp.
Aren't you a little old
to be doing all that computer stuff?
I'm totally addicted.
You know, it just feels so undignified to me.
I mean, in the end you're just sitting
all alone staring at a screen.
It's just so sad.
I would be a lot lonelier without it,
that's for sure.
Have you ever been married? Kids?
No.
I lived with this guy for six years once,
but then one day he just says, "Guess what!"
"I'm a big homo...
"and I find all women totally disgusting."
Jeez. You know, my wife left me 17 years ago.
Walked out, got an abortion.
Moved to L.A. No explanation. Nothing.
My one chance at a family, poof.
Yeah, everything was fine all that time
until he just up and says...
..."I'm into dudes," you know?
I'm done with her.
I just need to move on, find somebody new.
Not you necessarily, but...
Did you ever do a PeopleFinder search,
or even just Google?
Well, my friend tried it once, but nothing.
Forget it, I'm done.
I'll find her. What's her name?
Pippi. My ex? Uh...
...Pippi.
Pippi what?
Pippi Carmichael.
But like I said, you won't find a...
Here's a Polly Carmichael-Wiggins.
Wait. Are you serious?
Uh, yeah. That's her sister.
Well, she's all over here. She's got a big presence.
Really? So... Oh, yikes! That's...
Yeah, that's her.
Yeah, she's right over there in Silverdale.
So...
...after six years, this guy's all, "I love you,
"but I just don't see a future for us."
And I'm like, "I get it, dude. You're into penis.
"So am I. But...
"...couldn't you have just told me that
"before I let myself go all to shit?"
Recognize this voice? Because I recognize yours.
No.
Uh-uh.
Nope.
No, see it's Wilson!
Jesus Christ, Polly, spare me
the history lesson, okay? I'm just...
...calling to find out
if there's any news from Pippi.
Hmm.
Got to be around here somewhere.
Watch your door.
Thank you.
Excuse me, sir?
Just a second. Watch the door.
Quick question: Can you tell me where
a guy could find some pussy in this town?
Oh, you're looking for a strip club, huh?
Uh... Well, no, that's for suckers.
I'm looking for the kind you can actually fuck.
Looking for a hooker?
That's it, exactly.
I'm looking for my ex-wife.
Hey. How you doing?
Oh, good. Can I ask you something?
Sure. What's going on?
Okay.
Have you ever seen this woman?
Now, this is an old picture, so she...
...probably looks much, much worse now.
Bruises from the drug use and beatings.
Frizzy coke hair. Waxy skin.
You, of all people, know the drill.
Her name's Pippi, but I'm sure she's got some...
...florid nom de guerre now like, uh...
..."Klimaxx" or something.
I don't know no Klimaxx.
According to her sister,
she recently located back here from L.A.
I'm sorry, I don't know her.
Okay. Well, in that case, I guess I'll...
...take a blowjob then.
All right.
Ooh.
I should've brought my wallet.
Belinda, do you know where Pippi is?
Stay the fuck away from us.
We don't want nothing to do with that crazy bitch.
Don't talk to him.
Look. It's torture for me to see you guys, too...
...especially hatchet-face over here...
...but I need to know if you've seen Pippi.
She's working at some restaurant by the lake.
That's all we know.
Now please...
...fuck off.
A restaurant? What restaurant?
Fuck off!
Oh, we close at 9:00 tonight. Sorry.
Oh, no, that's okay. I just wanted to ask...
Do you have a Pippi working here?
Like Pippi Longstocking?
Oh...
You don't ever want to call her that.
Her sister says that she's fallen on hard times.
You know, drugs, prostitution, who knows what else.
I guess she's trying to get her shit back together, but...
I blame her father. Rich Republican prick.
But that's a pretty good way to get back at him, I suppose.
"Hey, I'm blowing strangers for drug money, Daddy.
"What do you think of me now?"
This looks like Lynne. Lynne!
Oh, my God.
Oh, God.
Two pinot noir, please!
I don't get the Lynne thing. Why "Lynne"?
I thought you hated "Lynne."
Excuse me. Just let me get through.
Wilson. Jesus Christ, man!
I'm just trying to get my life together
and make a clean start.
Why would you show up and say that shit?
I can't get over how amazing you look.
I thought you'd be some...
...nasty, skanky, rat-haired, snaggle-toothed...
...sore-infested ho. But look...
...it's like you came through the gauntlet
without a scratch!
Wilson, you showed up at my work
and called me a crack whore.
In front of Melissa!
Well, you know what? I didn't know!
I was afraid you were living
with a biker gang or something.
You can't imagine all the stuff
running through my head...
...from the shit that Polly told me.
You talked to Polly?
Yeah, I mean...
Who the fuck does she think she is?
She doesn't know the first goddamn thing about my life.
And now she's saying bullshit to everybody about me?
No. No!
I'm not doing this. I'm not.
Because this is exactly what she wants!
I am cooling out.
Mmm-hmm.
Doesn't know a goddamn thing about my business.
I always told you that she was a nightmare, remember?
Wilson, you said that about everybody.
Was I wrong?
What do you want, Wilson?
My dad died and, uh...
Robert moved away, so I'm all alone...
...now.
I miss you, Pippi.
Yeah.
Shit. I wasn't...
I wasn't supposed to drink.
Huh?
Can this really be the same Pippi who used to...
...smoke and drink and curse and fart and belch?
She was a disgusting pig.
Well, there was never a dull moment,
that's for sure.
Pippi?
You were the only person
who ever bothered to get to know the real me.
And I knew the real you.
The real Pippi.
And I think that maybe...
...maybe I still know her.
It's been really hard.
I had some bad years.
I am so...
...proud of you.
You're doing so good.
You're an amazing woman.
What's this?
No, no, no. Pepper, down.
Fuck!
What?
Sorry, she's a little bit overprotective.
Shit, I can't believe you still live here.
Oh, I know, it's great, but...
...you know, I can't help but think
it would've been great if you just...
...had the baby, and then we'd...
...still have lived together all those years.
And who knows what our life might have been like.
P T.A. meetings...
Guinea pigs...
Piano lessons...
You're totally out of your mind, man.
If you had had the baby,
it would have forced us to grow up.
You know?
I did have the baby.
What?
I had a little girl.
What are you talking about?
I put her up for adoption...
...before I went to L.A.
Pippi...
...you need to tell me right now
if you're joking around.
Wilson, we sent you papers.
No, I don't know anything
about what you're talking about.
She got adopted.
You had a baby?
Yeah.
I'm... I'm a father?
Kind of.
I am a father.
Why not?
I'm a father?
I'm a father?!
I'm a father!
Yes! Yes!
So...
...how's business?
Terrible. Everybody just does it themselves now.
When I talked to you on the phone...
...I pictured some guy with an Army buddy on the force...
He gets all his info from a blind guy on the corner...
Nope.
Where the hell's that goddamn file?
Cocksucker!
Oh, here's what I got.
"Claire Cassiday, Parker Day High School."
You sure about that?
I do my best with the information provided
but no guarantees.
Okay.
Here she is.
Could lose a few pounds.
Couldn't we all.
Here we go. Fish and chips. Enjoy, guys.
When are you done?
Wilson. I can't.
We're short tonight.
No, I got a great surprise for you.
Excuse me!
Could I get this with the aioli
on the side as I requested?
I'm so sorry. Let me take that back right away.
And we still haven't seen that bruschetta.
I'll get that right away. No, no.
Wilson, I can't wait. Please, I'll lose my job!
It's your daughter.
Isn't she beautiful?
Excuse me. We have tickets to Wicked and...
Hey, dickhead! Shut the fuck up!
Can't you see that this woman is having a profound moment?
Somehow I just can't process
that this is your place. I mean...
Don't get me wrong, it's, uh, really...
...nice. Very tasteful. I just...
It's a sublet, dumbass!
Thank God.
So...
...what do you want to do about this?
Wilson, I've seen it.
Don't you do another goddamn thing.
I can't even catch my breath around you. Enough!
I'm not talking about anything major, Pippi. I mean...
...don't you want to see her in the flesh?
What are you saying now?
What do you want to do, stalk her?
Holy Christ, Pippi.
Where do you come up with this shit?
Why the hell do people move to the suburbs?
It's like a living death.
Wilson, what are we doing?
What?
I never...
...stopped loving you, Pippi.
I stopped loving you.
Ouch.
Well...
I spent so many years hating you
and now I can't even remember why.
I guess it drove me nuts
that I was such a fucking mess...
...and nothing I did ever scared you away.
Well, you remember this?
Mmm.
Yeah.
29 stitches.
Yeah.
That almost scared me away.
Shh, shh, shh.
They're on the move! They're on the move.
Wait! What are you doing?
I told you. I just want to get a glimpse of her.
But you just saw her!
Get down! Down, down. Shit.
Okay, up, up.
Wilson, just let this go.
No, we got to go. Wilson!
Okay, the coast is clear.
Cool it, Wilson.
Jesus.
Oh...
We made that.
Hey, it's Claire. Hi, Claire.
What's up, Claire? Why are you here?
They having a sale on big-ass clown clothes?
Go die, asshole.
Oh...
I'm sorry, what did you say to me?
Oh, no.
What did you say to me, bitch?
Hey, Claire, Jenny Craig's over here.
Fat-ass bitch! Where are you going?
Hey!
You need to shut the fuck up, you little prick!
Watch yourself, asshole.
No, you watch it! That's my daughter!
Wilson, not now! Bad timing!
You little son of a bitch!
Get off me, asshole!
Let go! No!
I'm not letting go! Let it go!
Wilson!
I'm gonna kick his ass!
Believe me, Pippi gave you a true gift...
...by giving you away,
because we were in no position to be parents.
I was told that she was an unfit mother.
Oh, you were told the truth.
She was on the street, strung out on drugs...
...comforting strangers.
I never was on the street.
Look, it doesn't...
Don't get bogged down in the details right now.
We're just thrilled to finally
have the opportunity to get to meet you!
And if you're wondering about
the lack of family resemblance...
...you couldn't tell it by looking at her,
but she used to be a real hippo.
Your grandpa wrote a well-regarded novel
about Melville, and...
...Pippi's maternal grandfather
was a famous judge in Ohio, and...
Shit!
I have to go.
Oh... Well, it's been...
...truly amazing getting a chance
to have this time with you.
Okay, bye. Okay.
Bye. Bye.
I'm not some strung-out skank, man!
Pippi, is that all that you took from this experience?
Well, we just totally ambushed her!
I thought we were just gonna hide out.
I can honestly say...
...I have never seen anything more beautiful...
...than the look on your face...
...when you first saw her. You were...
...glowing.
I guess it was good we got to see her, right?
I feel like maybe I can stop worrying.
And I'll let her go.
Thanks.
I think you're right, Pippi.
She certainly doesn't need any help from us.
It's like she has that miserable,
anguished look...
...like you had when I first met you.
Of course, you turned out okay.
In the long run.
Oh, Pippi.
Oh, Pippi!
Hi, there.
What do you want?
Well, I just didn't feel like we got closure to our, uh...
...you know, little introduction, and I...
I can't believe I just used the word "closure," but...
Why the fuck is everyone up my butt today?
Up your...? No. What the hell's wrong?
Hey, come on, hop in. I'll give you a ride.
No, thanks.
I'll get the bus.
No, no, I'll give you a ride.
Claire! I can't stand to see you like this. Please.
Come on.
How about I take you for ice cream?
Is that supposed to be funny?
Yeah, let's get the fat girl some ice cream.
Hey, not everybody's out to get you, Claire.
Well, that's what it fucking feels like!
Is it those jerks from the mall?
Because I'll kick the shit out of them.
It's everybody.
Okay, I'll kick the shit out of everybody then.
It is a given that every decent person
who ever lived got shit on in high school.
I'm sure they picked on Copernicus, for fuck sake.
It's a badge of honor.
However...
...that does not mean that you have to sit back
and get reamed for four years.
So is there one particular asshole?
Yeah.
Monika the bitch.
Monika?
Monika.
Now, is there like a creepy teacher or janitor or...?
Mr. Naisbitt.
Ah, okay.
"Monika, Monika, you blow
"Mr. Naisbitt like a harmonica."
You see how that rhymed? That's just a bonus.
No, "you blow Mr. Naisbitt's syphilitic dong
"like a harmonica."
Eaugh! Too far.
Yeah.
You passed my house.
How could you tell?
No, the Cassidays seem like wonderful people.
I was thinking I should arrange a meeting
so we can all be on the same page together.
That's a horrible idea.
I bet...
...your mom does some fancy cooking in here, huh?
We never use any of this shit.
My mom can't even work the stove.
Well...
They took in an innocent baby and raised it as their own.
Folks like that
are the heroes of this world.
Mmm.
Yeah, they could spend a little more time with you.
Yeah.
I mean, I could do without
all the overcompensatory display of class privileges...
...but...
...I mean, Christ, what kind of example is that?
It's like they're laughing at the next generation.
"We used up all your resources. Fuck you."
I always wondered how I got like this.
No. No. I'm not doing that, Wilson.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I haven't been there since I was a kid.
Wilson! You know I'm not talking about that.
Look.
For better or worse, Pippi,
we have totally freaked this girl out.
Yeah.
And it is our duty to make sure that
she doesn't have some major meltdown.
You know? I mean, can you imagine
what she's going through?
No! No fucking way. Of course I can't. Can you?
She's a sweet kid
with two crazy people stalking her.
We're not stalking her.
Wilson.
And how many times do I have to tell you
what I'm going through, huh?
I am barely making it through each day.
And you're expecting this huge emotional commitment...
...while you're dragging me along
for this insane fucking insta-family?
Pippi, it is that commitment...
...that is exactly what you need
to help you move forward.
Trust me, I know.
You're an asshole! Goddamn it!
What is in there?
Pippi? Goddamn it!
Calm yourself.
Fuck!
This is why I left you in the first place.
You think you know it all. You don't!
You don't know shit about shit!
Are you done?
Wow! So cool!
You must have been here a million times, huh?
Nope.
My mom's scared of poor people.
Perfect! It's all ours then.
Thank you. Whoo!
This used to seem so huge when I was a kid.
Hey, you guys ready to take it for a spin?
You're embarrassing her. This is a little kid ride.
I'm not embarrassed.
Come on, Pippi, you don't have to be
such a lump on a log. Hop in.
You guys are so beautiful.
Ugh.
They're watching us.
Stop it, deer.
Any kids?
Yeah.
How old?
They're six and fifteen.
Why?
Oh, nothing. I just have a 17-year-old daughter.
She's quite a handful.
She's going through a rough patch with her mom.
You know how they are at this age.
My oldest is going through the same thing.
You have to remember that they're just kids, you know?
They still need to know you love them...
...as hard as that may be sometimes.
Yeah.
You know, that's... Thank you.
Yeah.
You're a wise man.
Nice cock, by the way.
Pippi?
Hey!
Hey, hey.
They grow up so fast.
Fuck you!
What a day!
Can you imagine...
...how much bird feces is in this park?
What time is it?
Well...
Don't you have your phone?
Are you kidding me?
That's unbelievable.
This thing has been right on time for like two weeks.
Shit.
Anyway, time is like, you know...
Here and now is where we're at.
Claire? Hey, Dad.
Oh.
Sorry.
Okay!
Okay, bye.
Bye! Bye!
You know, I heard you call him "Dad"
and I wonder if he realizes
how lucky he really is.
I better go.
Okay.
Okay, well, hey, let me give you a hug.
I really have enjoyed this time.
Next time we'll do something fun like maybe...
...get a pogo stick or something, or...
...Frisbee.
Frisbee'd be easier probably.
See ya.
Bye!
Watch out for the bird shit!
Hey, hey, Pepper. Cut it out.
I think she's disappointed in me.
No, it's just she's all desperate and needy.
She can tell when someone doesn't love her.
Not the dog, stupid.
Who, Claire?
You're nuts. Did you see the way
she was looking at you?
Really?
Magical.
Oh, Christ.
Fucking Polly, man.
Why can't she leave me alone?
Delete.
Bullshit.
What?
I just had this thought of like...
What if I showed up with you and Claire?
I was at her front door
and we're all like, "This is my family, bitch."
I'd love to see her face!
Yes! Right?
No, no, don't laugh. We have to do that.
I am not going to her stupid suburban shithole life.
But there's nothing nuts about that.
Look, look, just...
...all of the shit that you've been through...
...and you've come out the other side
better than she'll ever be.
And it's a great chance for your daughter
to see who you are.
She's not our real daughter, man.
I know. I know, Pippi.
I mean, she's never gonna live with us.
But she's always gonna be a part of us.
I don't want to live in a fantasy world.
Yeah, well...
...how's reality working out for you?
You know, the wife is not a big dog person.
What are you gonna do?
How could anyone not love you?
I bet you can't take two steps on the sidewalk
without someone wanting to pet you.
Oh, it is kind of disturbing actually. It's like...
..."Hello there, up here! I'm an actual human being.
"I can do math and...
"...drive a car and cook food and do tiddlywinks...
"...and masturbate."
I didn't know you were married.
Oh, yeah. Wife, kids, the whole shebang.
Nice.
Claire, your folks are okay with you coming?
I just told them it was a weekend trip with Hannah.
They don't give a shit.
They're just thrilled I have a fucking friend.
Okay...
...this is a family outing. Let's try to keep it PG-13.
That's just how I talk.
Okay, well, in that case... Swear all the fuck you want!
You're fucking crazy.
Let's face it, this is pretty great.
Look, even Pippi's happy!
Why not, right? Fuck!
I spent my whole life feeling like shit
about myself, you know?
Never enjoyed a goddamn thing.
Fuck that, right?
Yeah, fuck that completely.
Fuck it!
Yes!
Here's my number
So call me maybe
And all the other boys Try to chase me
That killed the mood.
- Killed it. Stop. - That's terrible.
Turn it off. Turn it off!
Oh, God! What obnoxious drivel.
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy But here's my num...
Oh, God.
Oh, come on, chin up.
This is gonna be fun.
Fuck, we're so late.
Stop.
Oh, honey!
Hi. Hi.
Hi, Will! Remember me?
Of course. Wilson.
Oh, you guys...
Yeah, this is, uh... Polly and Will.
And this is your niece, Claire.
Oh, Claire, it's great to meet you.
Come in. Please.
Wow. Mmm-mmm.
Sorry.
Hey, Polly...
...you look great.
Thank you.
I don't mean that in a salacious way at all.
I just think you look great.
Thanks.
Don't you think she looks... You do, too, Will!
Thanks.
What's the boy's name?
Cooper.
Cooper! The last time I saw you...
...you were two or three years old.
You were trying to get your mom
to pick up some Legos and...
...you were literally just freaking out!
And at the time I thought that you guys
were terrible parents...
...but I didn't get it like I do now.
I used to be way over on the nurture side
of the nature/nurture debate...
...but not anymore. I mean, look at her.
Look! The way she holds her fork
is exactly like Pippi.
And just a million things, like...
...she has my mom's little half-smile.
And then she has Pippi's sarcastic laugh and...
...my temper. I mean, DNA, it's just...
...it's truly unbelievable.
Coop's heading to Duke in the fall.
It's hard to believe.
Coops!
And Jenny's already halfway through law school.
Oh, Christ, I forgot you had another one.
I totally forgot.
So is she my cousin?
Oh, brilliant, Watson!
Definite college material.
What are you gonna major in, brain surgery?
So, Claire, have you been thinking about school yet?
Fuck, no.
You see? Now, that is pure Wilson.
Here's to you, Claire.
And to you, Coop!
Coop!
Why Golf Matters.
I feel like I'm doing fieldwork
among the natives or something.
We shouldn't have come here.
What? Mmm-mmm.
She'll always find a way to win.
What are you talking about?
Look at us, Wilson!
We're something out of a horror movie!
We're all pasty and bald and bitter and...
...lonely and...
...they're all fancy and... Hey.
I would rather have our daughter
than that creepy little kid any day of the week.
It's not really our daughter!
Stop it, Pippi!
Stop it! Stop it!
Pippi, we're here on vacation.
I can't.
Let's just try to have fun.
You know?
Yeah.
How come you're so quiet?
Oh, well, I...
Some of my best times with my mom were spent, um...
...not saying a word, just...
...just sitting together in the same room...
...feeling...
...the connection.
Like a chemical thing.
You know, I always used to try to imagine
what you were like. My "real dad."
Well, I hope you're not too disappointed.
Nah.
You're cool.
They went for a walk.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Thanks.
Aw, Pippi.
I was afraid I'd never see you again.
Yeah.
I want you to know that I fully understand
why you didn't come to Dad's funeral.
And I also know that things were
tougher for you after I left.
Oh?
Yeah?
Maybe they were a little bit tougher for me?
Yeah.
So, it's good to see you wanting a family.
That says a lot to me.
And I know that I've said some negative things
about Wilson in the past, but...
So, what are Claire's real parents like?
Are they okay?
Amazing. Mmm.
Super rich.
Mmm-hmm.
Super well-educated.
Yeah, they got a big house. Like...
...way bigger than this place.
That's great. Mmm-hmm.
And how did Claire's parents feel about
you and Wilson making contact like that?
Or was that their idea?
They must really trust you
to let her stay here for the weekend.
Yup.
I mean...
Do they know about your...
...troubles?
They're really cool with me.
Mmm-hmm.
Do Claire's parents even know where she is, Pippi?
Oh, my God, Polly!
Ugh! Look at you!
You're still just playing Little Miss Perfect.
Kissing Dad's ass, staying all quiet
while I spoke up for the both of us...
...and I'm the low-life scumbag?
I knew I shouldn't have come back here.
I heard Claire on the phone this morning.
She told her mom she was staying at
a beach house with her friend Hannah.
You're a fucking cunt!
When you're a kid, you have all this future.
This potential.
But when you get to be my age,
you kind of look at things in a different way.
You're kind of living more in the moment.
Things like this lake and the ducks...
Shit like this becomes so damn huge.
Ow!
Fuck you!
Get away from me, Pippi! Oh, oh, oh!
Stop it! Pippi!
I'm getting fucking tired of this bullshit!
No, Pippi!
Oh, oh, oh! Look.
Oh. Ooh.
A little woodland creature.
You know, they haven't changed at all
since the time of the dinosaurs.
Oh, you're so cute.
Ooh, what's your name?
What did the frog say to the fly?
That's right.
Big drinkers, though.
Big, huge drinkers.
There he is!
Come here. What?
- Get over here. - What's going on?
Guys? No, I didn't do anything!
Wilson...
...I lost it.
- Pippi? - Come on, let's go.
Pippi, what's going on?
Just don't say anything.
Polly! It's called kidnapping!
Sit down.
Pippi?
Claire?
This is nuts!
She's my daughter. How could this be kidnapping?
Well, the parents are pretty P.O'-ed.
It's hard to blame them. She is just 17.
Whose side are you on?
Don't worry. We'll let them cool down
and then we'll work something out.
You got a clean record.
What about Pippi?
Did they charge her with something?
I don't know.
I heard they offered her some deal.
Damn it! Ahh!
What are you looking at?
That is quite a tattoo.
Mmm. How's that?
It's like the ultimate argument ender.
Like, "No, I don't want your fucking job. In fact...
"I want to destroy your entire society.
"Fuck you."
What'd you say, bitch?
No, I'm not... I like it.
It's like an acknowledgement to a whole other generation...
Whoa, whoa!
Ahh!
Hi.
It doesn't matter if you're out of here 20 years,
living on an island.
You will never be truly free until
you've been washed in the blood of the Lamb.
A believer stuck 10 years in the shoe...
...is freer than any man who disdains the Word.
Mmm.
That is beautiful, beautiful stuff.
Have you always been a...
...God-fearing man, Pastor?
I've tried to be.
Oh, what a gift.
I wish my parents had done that for me.
I've spent so much time
trying to make sense of it all.
Well, it's never too late.
Well, yeah, I guess.
I mean, at a certain point...
...no rational man's gonna buy into
all this crazy mumbo jumbo.
Let's be realistic.
You got to have it ingrained...
...before you develop any real sense of, you know...
...reason.
I mean, unless you...
...get brain damage or something.
Yeah.
Oh, hello, brother.
"The Lord is my shepherd; "I shall not want."
"He maketh me lie down in green pastures."
He maketh me lie down in green pastures.
"He leadeth me beside the still waters."
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
"He restoreth my soul."
He restoreth my soul.
So I grabbed this asshole by the lapels...
...and I said, "Look, I don't care if you are a nun...
"...I'm gonna fucking, shit, fucking punch..."
Fuck, yeah!
Wassup, bro? Hey.
How you doing, man? You staying out of trouble?
Yo, Wilson!
Wassup, man? Hey, man.
Wassup, hippie? Hey.
How's my favorite hippie?
Hey, don't eat the chocolate cake.
Gave me the shits earlier.
There's more pieces than there is puzzle left. Look.
These are that color
and there ain't no blanks in that color.
Hey, Wilson!
You got a visitor.
A what?
I can't believe it's you.
It's me.
It's two and a half years. I never heard a word.
I, uh...
I tried to get my lawyer to find you.
I even tried to go through Polly.
Oh, she was on the warpath.
I have thought of you every day.
A thousand times.
I'm sorry, Wilson.
I was just, uh...
It got really bad.
I knew there was a reason.
I'm sorry, I'm... I'm so happy.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
When Claire turned on me at the trial...
I don't think
I've ever been more devastated.
I just thank you for not testifying against me.
Yeah, but I should've been up there fighting for you.
I wondered about that.
I could've been there for you, and I...
I totally failed you, Wilson.
But you're here now.
I am.
And I have to thank you, Wilson.
You believed in me when nobody else ever did.
Oh, Pippi.
Now that I'm pulling it together here...
I feel like I'm ready for an actual relationship.
And that's why...
...Tucker and I are moving to Australia.
What did...?
I just... Could you...? Did you...? Did you...?
Tucker?
Yeah, my sponsor.
Or he was my sponsor.
I know that sounds really bad, right?
But we went through a lot.
So...
I think you'd like him, Wilson.
Yeah, I'm sure I...
I'm sure I would.
Hey.
Maybe we don't have to be miserable forever.
Maybe we could find our way to being happy.
Pippi?
What the fuck are you looking at?
Thank you.
So...
What's been going on in the world?
I don't know. Nothing.
Tell me, friend, have you heard the good news?
Oh, no, I'm... No, thanks.
I'm just fucking with you!
Jesus doesn't give a shit.
No, I just got out of prison.
36 months hard time with the lowest scum imaginable.
Oh... But I made it out the other end.
Yeah.
Insert ass-rape joke here.
I'm not gonna, you know,
slice your throat for a deck of smokes.
I'm all done with that life.
Are you headed to school?
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, good for you. Good boy.
Yeah, I'm just headed home.
Just me and a mangy old dog, if she even...
...remembers me.
That's her.
Oh, sorry... That's my ex.
No, here's the dog.
Oh, she's cool.
It's so nice talking with someone
who isn't fucking psychotic!
You know?
We got a nice long journey ahead of us.
Yeah, a couple of hours.
Yeah.
"Cyndi's Cupcakery?"
What happened to the used bookstore?
Is that you, Diana?
It's me, Wilson.
Pepper's dad!
Hi.
You can't believe what happened to me, Shelly.
Um...
Where's all your dog stuff?
Well, I'm not sitting anymore.
So where is she? Pepper?
Well, Wilson...
...even when I stopped sitting,
Pepper was the only dog I kept.
She was such a wonderful little girl.
"Was?"
I'm sorry.
She got so sick, Wilson.
And in the end she could barely even...
She could barely even lift her little head.
I tried to find you. I did.
And someone said that
you were in jail, and I just...
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Pepper.
I'll never use this voice again.
Good-bye, Pepper.
You were a true friend.
Every minute in your presence was a blessing
and your joy
over the simplest of pleasures was humbling
and inspirational.
You were the pride of the neighborhood,
the brightener of a thousand days.
To see a stranger's eyes tear
at the memory of a similar pet
is to know the inherent goodness of your kind.
You...
Urinated. ...urinated...
...on my address book and chewed up two sofas...
Three.
...three, but...
...in doing so, you taught us
the utter worthlessness of those things.
We celebrate you, Pepper.
You and all your brothers and sisters
in the animal family.
We vow to honor and protect your kind
and oppose with all our heart those...
...who would harm or degrade
any living creature in any way.
Amen.
So whatever happened with you and Francisco?
Diego?
He turned out to be a real asshole.
Oh, jeez, I knew it!
You know, those guys who come off
all emotional and caring,
they're bad news.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
I guess I'm just not used to all this walking.
So what was prison like?
They say that there's no such thing as rehabilitation
and people come out worse than they go in, but I...
...kind of feel like it helped...
...turn me into an adult.
Finally.
Breathe.
You're so tight.
Flip over on your tummy.
Tummy, okay.
Whoa.
I think that you and I have a lot to teach each other.
Huh.
You're so open and fearless.
I'm always worrying what other people are thinking
and second guessing every single little thing.
Well, you know,
I wish I'd have started this years ago.
I spent so much time
pining after my ex and moping like an idiot.
I'm ready for...
...a real relationship.
Someone with a...
...kind heart
and an open demeanor
...and a gentle spirit...
Motherfucker!
Ahh!
Call me a caveman or whatever, but...
...I still say the world was a better place
before everybody had
one of those damn things in their house.
I want to hear this.
I just need to finish this email.
I mean, I feel like I'm fading
into oblivion
while...
...everyone else is scampering to keep up.
Fifty years from now,
there won't even be
the slightest trace of my existence.
Nothing.
Like...
Like I never existed at all.
Mmm. It's horrible.
I just have to...
It might be George about tomorrow.
Hello?
No.
Look, he has no interest in talking to you, and we'd...
...just prefer
if you don't call this number anymore, okay?
Thank you.
Who the hell was that?
Wow.
Hi.
You look so...
...grown up.
Thanks.
You look good, too.
Oh! Well, you know, if you'd have seen me
when I first got out...
...forty months of eating pure crap and...
...sitting in a little room with a window this wide...
I looked like a fungus.
Mmm.
So, uh, did you hear from your mother?
You know, she's run off to Australia
with her N.A. sponsor.
Yeah. Tucker.
Yeah.
She emailed me before she left.
Yeah, like they don't have cocaine
in Australia or something.
Look, Claire, I'm gonna need some kind of apology
or something. Some acknowledgement
of the unconscionable way
that you turned on me at the trial.
Look, I was a kid.
I did exactly what my parents told me to do.
And I am sorry, but...
I had no idea how to deal with a crazy,
chaotic situation like that.
Okay, look, Polly and prison and Australia,
none of it matters to me.
But to see you get up on that stand
and say those things about me!
Look, I'm sorry, Wilson. I really, really am. But...
...it's not why I'm here.
I'm going to have a baby.
And I thought I should tell you in person.
I guess I wanted to know if he was gonna
have any weird diseases or something.
But I mean, you're just a kid yourself.
Don't start with that.
I get enough of that shit from everybody else.
I just... A baby?
A baby.
So that makes me a grandfather?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I just came here...
...to shit on you for ratting me out
to the Feds, and now this?
This is... This is...
You know, Portland is not so bad.
I could be there to help her with anything she needs.
What are you talking about? I can't move to Portland.
Oh, no, I know.
I wasn't, you know, suggesting...
I know this is a really emotional issue for you...
...but you have to accept that
she's not your daughter.
You barely know her and...
...she sent you to jail, for Chrissake!
Okay, that's true. Point taken.
Also, it's totally disrespectful
to the people who did raise her.
Hi, ma'am! Can I play with your dog?
They don't need any more stress right now.
Let me just pet him.
Sit tight. I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Hi! Hello! You are such a beautiful girl.
Excuse me. I got to go.
Wilson, she has to... Wilson!
I really love you.
Hey, dude.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
Wilson, she needs to go.
I'm sorry.
She has to leave.
Wilson, she needs to leave. Wilson!
What the hell are you doing here?
I come in peace.
I just wanted to talk to you and your wife.
I'll get a restraining order if I have to.
Please, I mean no harm. Just the opposite.
I wanted a chance...
...to get to know you and Mrs. Cassiday a little.
I... I brought this for Claire.
I thought she might be interested
in her family tree, and there's photos.
Yeah, well, we don't want you or your book.
I'm asking you. Go home.
I gave you a chance to raise this wonderful girl.
If you love her, then...
...you love a little piece of me, too.
That's it. I'm calling the cops.
You have everything in the world!
Can't you just find it in your heart?
Yeah, I have an intruder on my property.
Uh-huh. Yes, I will.
I'm sorry.
Thanks for taking care of my baby. You...
...did an amazing job.
Uh, yes.
Um, you know, actually it's okay.
Yeah, false alarm.
No, I'm sorry.
Thanks very much.
Hey.
Hey!
What are you still doing here?
My mom said you were beating off.
No, I... I know...
...that I fucked everything up.
I'm just asking for the tiniest...
...shred of hope that you might someday...
...let me be a small part of your life.
What do you mean?
I'm just gonna come right out and say it:
I want to move to Portland
and help you with the baby and...
And...
...make up for all my mistakes.
No.
Look, I can't hurt my mom and dad anymore.
They're already freaked out
about this whole baby thing, and I can't...
Please?
I don't think so. Please, Claire?
I wouldn't be in your way.
Claire?
Can I at least come visit you?
The little fucker might like me.
Thank you.
You know,
I really have to just
take stock of my life.
Start counting my blessings.
The fact is, I got it pretty good here with you, Shelly.
You know, I mean, we all want people
to love us for exactly who we are.
But that's not really possible in this world
because we're just all too unbearable. You know?
We got to...
...make the best of what we have, you know?
I thought you were moving to Portland.
I did say that.
Hmm.
Before this,
I was screwed.
And when it was all said and done,
figured I'd just die and be forgotten.
A handful of ashes dumped in the ocean.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
But now...
Now there's someone to remember me when I'm gone.
It's Grandpa Wilson, right there!
At least until some horrific apocalypse
wipes out the human race. Hi.
Can you hold him up a little closer?
We like our stories to end with the promise of hope.
Happily ever after and all that.
Is that as clear as it gets?
Too bad real lives don't have that structure.
Or, hell, maybe they do.
Maybe it's right there in front of us
and we just can't see it.
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