- [man] Hello, Junior. - [bell dings]
- [man laughs] - [TV, indistinct]
[boy on TV laughs]
- [man laughs] - Magic trick.
Oh!
You guys. That poor kid might have really gotten hurt.
Oh, sweetie. It's hilarious.
- [horn blares] - OK, we are late. I gotta go.
Thanks for taking care of her, Dad.
Bye, Rudie. I love you.
Bye, Chickenbutt.
Let's get one of us both.
- OK. - OK.
[man on TV] There's no place like Magic Land.
[Rudie] That looks fun.
Of course, I can't go.
Oh, it's all hype anyway. You make your own fun.
Besides, amusement parks these days...
Let's just say Magic Land lost its magic a long time ago.
Or for the best deal, purchase a memb...
And I should know.
Your mom ever tell you that your old papaw
owned one of the greatest amusement parks of all time?
- She didn't? - No.
What? It was epic. That's my damn legacy.
Yeah, this was when I was living
up in the woods near Calico Ridge.
Oof! It was a wild time.
[animal growling]
[sighs]
Things could be worse.
My next-door neighbor was an alcoholic bear
who would sneak into my yard and try to kill me for my beer.
Yep, true story.
Go on. Go away.
Go away. No, no, no. Come on. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no.
Don't be a prick. Don't you be a prick.
[roars]
He was a persistent little bastard too.
I would have shared the beer with him,
but he was kind of an angry drunk.
No, no, no, no. Go, go, go, go.
Good boy.
[yells]
[groans]
Oh, fuck.
- Come on, Papaw. - What? That's how it happened.
Honest Injun.
Guess you can't say that anymore.
Those days were different.
There weren't so many rules.
Kids were allowed just to be kids
and do what kids love to do.
Dumb, crazy shit they might regret.
Action Point was my baby.
I built her from the ground up.
It wasn't some huge monster park,
just a couple of slides and rides,
but all the kids in town loved it.
And the ones who had nowhere to go
and no one to look after 'em, well, I put 'em to work.
I called them the Shitbirds.
There was Ziffel. He was our chief engineer.
Stiv worked security.
Don't fuck with me.
Four Finger Annie was our ride supervisor.
Rodney, he was the numbers guy.
Hot Headed Pete was in charge of complaining.
Can someone help me with this? Hello?
And then there was Killer.
He wasn't exactly a kid and he wasn't on the payroll,
but he did come every day
to pick fights with random strangers.
Never a dull moment.
To be honest,
I think he escaped from a mental hospital.
Anyhoo, the park bordered the Calico River,
so we had water activities too.
And your Great Uncle Benny was in charge down there.
Not one single person ever drowned on his watch
most of the time.
- And I looked up... - [woman] Help!
...and I saw her vagina staring me right in the eye.
And I knew, like, "No, this is not just for peeing.
This is for something else."
Up until then I thought babies came out of the butt.
Everyone loved to hear his stories,
none of which I will share with you, young lady.
[woman] Help me!
Back then there was a little thing
called personal responsibility.
If you screwed up and got hurt,
you didn't call no lawyer or the media.
You just dusted yourself off
and bragged about it to your dumb little buddies.
That sounds awesome. What happened to it?
[toilet flushes]
Oh.
Well, that's a long story.
But we have all afternoon, right?
Well, you're absolutely right.
Hey, speaking of...
Who wants a little mani-pedi? I mean, it's just us girls.
[girl] Go, go, go!
Lay off the brakes, asshole.
- [girl] Whoo-hoo! - Here, boss.
Goddamn it, Lumpy. What were you trying to do?
- I wanted to go faster. - That's fair.
Give me that tape.
[tape ripping]
Just hold it.
Give her the old criss-cross apple sauce.
All right, that'll hold her for a bit, Merle.
Now, let me take a look at that thing.
Whoo-wee! Mmm.
Going to...
There we go.
[grunts]
What? That's what it was invented for in Vietnam.
Better than stitches, stronger than skin.
- You're gonna be all right. - [grunts]
Where the hell's Rodney?
Rodney!
- You wanted to see me? - Yeah.
Something's off. I see our regular kids.
But where's the fresh fish? What's our attendance today?
Down about 45%. Pretty close to my projections.
It could be worse, considering 7 Parks just opened.
The new amusement park a half hour's drive from here.
I told you they were building it all last winter.
That's not my listening season. You should have told me louder.
You heard me. It's just that selective proactivity of yours.
Get lost, Rodney.
Hello there. Any of you work here?
Yeah, not if we can help it. [chuckles]
Oh, I see. I'm Greg Knoblach with Trustwood Developments.
You've probably seen my billboards.
Huh?
OK. I was looking for D.C.
Well, lookee here. Old Knoblick.
It's Knoblach, and that wasn't even funny in high school.
D.C., the chairlift broke again.
- [D.C.] Oh, shit. - Help me!
Rodney!
Amazing. [laughs]
Anyway, back to why I'm here.
I suppose you probably heard you got some competition in town now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all about 7 Narcs.
Yeah. Here, take a look at those, kids.
They've got log flumes, roller coasters,
and a chairlift that actually works.
Mm-hm.
My son Travis just took a job there for the summer.
Little cocksucker. [clears throat]
Looks like a big, bright, shiny corporate asshole to me.
OK, listen, D.C.
- [girl] What's he got in here? - [Knoblach] I got friends at the bank.
So I know you took out a loan on this place last year.
What was it, 100,000?
How are you ever gonna pay that off?
Let me find a buyer for your land.
It's not gonna be easy, but I'm sure I can find somebody.
Well, look, Nodgecock,
I didn't build this place for you or the bank.
I built it for the kids.
So I'm not selling to any of you fanny-blowers.
Good day.
[laughter]
Hey. Hey!
Hey, those are Cubans. Give me that. Give me that.
You're Iuckywe saved your people in that war.
[Old D.C.] And that's about the time your mom arrived for the summer.
[gasps]
- Chickenbutt! Hi. - Hi!
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
Oh. I recognize those.
How's your mom? Still hate me?
Still with that guy, the physical therapist?
She doesn't hate you, and you know he's a doctor.
Yeah, that's what he says.
All right, baby.
Well, let's hit it.
You remember this one? You used to love it when you were a kid.
[man singing on tape]
Here.
Listen to this.
[The Clash: "Janie Jones"]
Beat's good, but the lead singer sounds kind of harelipped.
- They're called The Clash. - Ah, The Clash.
They're playing New York. A lot of my friends are going.
It's no big deal.
They're actually all right.
Hey, well, I think their tour's coming through LA.
You think maybe we could check 'em out?
Sure. We got all summer.
Home sweet home.
House looks the same.
[D.C.] Spent a little time cleaning her up.
I got the luggage. Don't worry about it.
- Draw. - [gunshot]
Huh. Too slow.
- Boogie! - Benny! Oh, my God!
[D.C.] The hell you doing here? You're supposed to be at the lagoon.
I don't believe it. You blossomed.
Um, I'm gonna go unpack.
- You gotta see my new hatchet. - [D.C.] Oh, Jesus.
I invented this game. It's called Kill the White Man.
You think this shirt makes me look fat?
I don't really care if it does. It's rad.
I stole it from my sister.
Oh, please, Dad. It's a tampon.
Do not swear at me, young lady.
It's fine. It's totally natural.
She left Action Point a child. She returned a woman.
- [snaps fingers] - All right, that's it. Back to the lagoon.
Come by and see me later, Boogie.
We'll gab like little schoolgirls.
- OK, Benny. - [Benny] Bye.
He's a peach.
Oh, God. I'm gonna go. Are you OK?
Um, actually... Well, no. No, it can wait.
- You sure? - Yeah. I'm gonna get a shower.
I'll come find you later. We can talk then.
OK. Um...
Oh, we got a rogue bear around here, so keep an eye out.
There's some bear repellent over next to the hairspray.
But don't get 'em mixed up.
- Draw. - [gunshot]
Too slow.
[Rudie] Sounds like my mom's worst nightmare.
Well, it wasn't back then.
She wasn't the uptight... excellent mother she is now.
She was pretty normal.
Come on, I was gonna paint your nails.
- You don't wanna... - Papaw.
You... Oh. Oh, OK. Suit yourself.
[giggles]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. My tootsies are ticklish.
Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. No!
Ooh. Ooh, you touched 'em.
- Ooh. - It looks good.
- It's an improvement. - Ooh.
[yells]
- Smartass. - All right, let's do this.
Boogie, it's on you.
You ready, Stiv?
OK.
[laughs]
Three, two, one!
[laughter]
- [D.C.] It works! - [Boogie] Sorry, Stiv!
She's not sorry.
[Killer] Hey, D.C.
- [yelps] - [Killer] Relax, Pete.
It's not gonna hurt you. Just a baby snake.
- Oh, my God. - Found him out in the woodpile.
What do you think, D.C.? Can I keep him?
Sure, Killer. Just get him the hell out of here.
Awesome.
Hey, D.C., not so awesome is that snake
came from underneath the last piece of lumber we got.
Oh, damn. We need that wood for the rides.
How we looking on funds, Rodney?
Well, no problem.
We can go get some more after closing tonight.
I know a place we can get it on credit.
Get back to it.
[Benny] Siouxsie, come on.
[D.C.] Let's go. Let's load her up.
Are we in?
- [Pete] We're in. - All right. Let's go.
[Ziffel whistles]
[D.C.] Ugh. This place gives me the creeps.
All right, hand me the key.
Come on. Come on, Siouxsie. Good girl.
Good girl, Siouxsie.
[dog barking]
Look, Siouxsie. Look, Siouxsie.
Oh, who's that? Oh, he's so handsome.
You get him. Good girl.
Oh, you get him. Go on. Good girl, Siouxsie.
Whoa.
[barks]
[D.C.] Come on, guys. Let's go!
- [Ziffel] We're going. - [grunting]
[Pete] Just shove it.
Watch out, Rodney. Move your ass. Get the goddamn...
- Just move. - Fucking... Give me that.
Damn it.
Keep it moving.
Motherfucker.
[chattering]
[grunts]
[unzips pants]
- [chuckling] - [urinating]
[zips up]
[gasps]
- Shh. - What are you doing?
Come on.
[indistinct voices]
[Knoblach] I talked to the mayor.
We are talking about a very big deal here.
I don't want you standing out there
with your balls in the wind.
Take my word for it,
as soon as this guy misses his next payment,
you are getting Action Point at short sale prices,
with no other bidders.
You can trust me on this...
- What you doing? - Sorry, D.C.
My tummy gets upset when we do black ops.
Dad?
- No, no. - [Boogie] What? What?
- Go, go, go. - [alarm rings]
Siouxsie! Siouxsie! Come on, Siouxsie Sioux!
Sioux! Siouxsie Sioux!
[D.C.] Get in the truck!
Siouxsie! Siouxsie! Siouxsie Sioux! Siouxsie, come on, girl.
- Come on, Siouxsie. - [all] Come on!
Come on, baby. Good girl.
- [Boogie] Come on! - [D.C.] Let's go!
- Get her in. - Get the dog.
- I got her. Let's go. - Come on!
Knoblach thinks he's selling our place to those 7 Park pricks.
[Ziffel] Hey, why is your dog's ass wet?
[Old D.C.] I knew I had to come up with a big idea,
an idea that would catch fire
and help us compete with those corporate douchebags.
But, whew, it wasn't easy.
Thinking is not my superpower.
[D.C. imitates bomb falling, exploding]
[clattering]
[D.C. grunts]
- [D.C. humming] - [clattering]
Ooh. Oh!
Goddamn it.
[D.C. hums]
[howling]
[growls]
Hi, Boogie.
[yells]
[splashing]
- Come on. We need more slack. - It's coming.
You guys are supposed to be cleaning the slide. What the hell are you doing?
Yeah, we're gonna power-wash it.
Fucking stupid cart. Fuck!
On Pete?
Yeah.
So, uh, how are the numbers, Rodney? How are we looking?
- [Rodney] Attendance is up. - That's good. How much?
- [Rodney] 1%. - [D.C.] Oh.
Well, sounds like we gotta up our game.
- Hey, Pete! - What?
[all] Whoa!
- Oh, shit. - Sorry, D.C.
Holy shit.
[laughs] Holy shit.
[Old D.C.] Sometimes I get my best ideas when I'm freshly concussed.
As I was lying on my back on the verge of a seizure,
something happened.
It was a damned epiphany, a real eureka moment.
Are you OK? It was Ziffel's idea.
Action Point team meeting. Let's go.
All right, everybody. Listen up.
- Ow. Shit. - [laughter]
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're not in trouble because I think I got this, all right?
What this place needs is an excitement enema.
7 Parks may have taken our customers,
but we can take 'em right back.
So what we're gonna do
is we're gonna make this place fast and loose,
teach these little cooter-flutes
to use a little hand-eye coordination for a change.
We'll let 7 Parks be about what you can't do.
Action Point is gonna be about what you can do.
- [all] Yeah! - So what are you going to do?
We're gonna take the brakes off this place.
Every ride, every attraction, no rules, no speed limits.
- Just pure fun. - [all] Yeah!
All right, you Shitbirds, size it up and paste it on a pigeon.
Our ass is getting started right now.
- Let's go! - [rock song playing]
[Pete] After lunch.
Yeah, so, yeah, that's the speed limiter right there.
Well, rip the sucker off.
Ah! You ready, Slappy?
All right, here we go.
Oh, yeah.
- [Ziffel] Is he gonna be OK? - [D.C.] He's fine.
And bye-bye, Mr. Brakes.
One, two, three.
[screams]
Looks good. Who's first?
I'm breaking this bastard in.
[yells]
- Oh, my God! - Hope that's a strong line.
Oh, fuck!
[Pete] What the fuck?
[yells]
All right, this is called the loop-dee-loop.
"Oh, I'm walking up the steps and I'm in. Whoa!"
Yeah? All right.
- Give Daddy a little push. - Good luck.
Whoa!
[song continues]
[whoops]
[groans]
[chuckles]
- [Pete] Fuck. - Ow.
- Holy shit, that was amazing. - You want this?
[D.C.] I think you're gonna have to feather it a little
on that last turn.
- I'm next. - [Pete] Fuck you. I'm next.
- Help me up. - You OK, boss?
Ow.
- Thanks. - [Benny] That was incredible.
Have you tethered any of that down yet? Damn it.
Yeah, yeah, I'm working on it.
Shouldn't we be facing the water in case someone needs help?
Ah, let God sort 'em out.
Dude, what the fuck?
It's like one continuous train wreck.
Now, to the untrained eye,
all this might look dangerous and haphazard,
but your father is an artiste and this is his canvas.
[Boogie] Oh!
I want to talk to him about something, but...
I'm kind of dreading it. I mean, it's not a big deal.
It's just... he may think it's a big deal.
It's just Mom travels so much with work,
and her boyfriend looks after me most of the time.
He floated the idea and Mom liked it, and...
What is it?
That he become an official legal guardian of mine,
and I need Dad to sign the papers.
Holy shit. Really?
Mmm.
Whoa. No, no, no, no, no.
Your dad is not gonna like that at all.
Look, I thought I had problems,
but you, young lady, you have problems.
Shut up, Benny.
It'll work itself out. It always does.
Oh, whoa!
- Jeez! - [Annie] I'm sorry.
Do you work here? Does anybody work here?
[D.C.] Yeah, yeah.
My son is stuck up there and he won't come down.
- Please, just do something. - Absolutely.
Get down from there, you little bastard!
- No! - Walk it off.
Whoo!
- [boy] That was fucking awesome. - You deserved that.
This place should be closed down.
Come on, Leslie.
- What'd she say? - She said, "Come on, Leslie."
[D.C.] Before that.
She said this place should be closed down.
She may be right.
This place is a lawless, reckless free-for-all,
and people need to know about it.
So why are we boycotting our own park?
Because there's no better publicity than a boycott.
Remember the big grape boycott that helped the farm workers?
Yeah. Yeah, we studied it this year.
Grape sales went through the roof
'cause all anybody ever heard
was the word "grape" over and over again.
[Pete] And why the shit are we dressed like this?
[D.C.] So we blend in, Pete.
[Waylon Jennings: "Ain't No God in Mexico"]
[song fades]
[Old D.C.] Knoblach was greasing the wheels all over town,
trying to steal away Action Point's land.
- He even had the mayor in his hip pocket. - Thank you.
A very exciting day here today.
And I would like to applaud Trustwood Developments
for all their efforts on helping us revitalize
downtown Calico Ridge.
But what are you going to do about Action Point?
Yeah.
- Excuse me? - Action Point.
- That place is out of control. - That guy's right.
They just put in a zipline there,
and all the girls are flashing their titties.
- [people gasping] - No, no, I didn't know that.
And beer is so cheap, they're practically giving it away.
[D.C.] Action Point is the craziest place
with the most dangerous rides in the world.
- Who do we wanna close? - [all] Action Point!
- When do we wanna close it? - [all] After Labor Day.
Hey, hey! Ho, ho! Action Point has got to go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Action Point has got to go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
[Old D.C.] The plan worked.
Word had gotten out that Action Point
was the craziest, rowdiest no-holds-barred amusement park
in the good old US of A.
[rock song playing]
Slappy added a special ingredient to the cotton candy that day,
and the kids loved it.
[song continues]
This cotton candy's getting quite popular. OK, OK, OK.
[song ends]
[Old D.C.] And, of course, Knoblach got wind of our good fortune
and he sent his pissant little son Travis over to spy on us.
Jesus. Look at all these fucking pathetic losers.
Hey, here you go, babe.
Nice shorts. Watch where you're going.
Hey, Bobo, check this one.
Hey, has anyone ever told you you look like a Manson Family reject?
Has anyone ever told you to eat a dick?
What the fuck you just say to me?
Hey, shit-eyes,
how about respecting the old personal space, huh?
- [snarling] - Siouxsie Sioux.
- [barks] - Get a hold of your dog, man.
- I don't like this fucking dog. - Let's get out of here.
I don't think she likes you either.
Good fight, though, guys.
- Good girl. - Thanks. That was sweet of you.
- Benny. - I'm Mia.
- This is Siouxsie Sioux. - Oh, hey, Siouxsie Sioux.
Oh, thank you too, girl.
I love your hatchet.
It's just like the ones that the Franks used
to defeat the Roman Empire.
Really? I love French fries.
- I love French fries too. - Yeah?
What a day. We ran out of beer, corn dogs and toilet paper.
- In that order. - That's right.
Rodney, why don't you send the bank
a nice fat installment on our loan?
Well, there's a little more to it than that, D.C.,
but, yeah, I'll take care of it.
Great.
Here. I was just coming to show you this.
- Barry Manilow? - No, no. The Clash.
Oh, yeah, these blokes.
So can we still go?
Yeah, all right. I reckon why the hell not?
Hey, D.C.! D.C.!
Oh, hell.
[boy] Stop it.
D.C., Lost and Found is for sunglasses, flip-flops.
Not little kids, OK?
Their brothers and sisters just dump them here and run off to the rides.
OK, just calm down.
We just need to figure out something to do
with these little bastards.
Animals. I used to love that petting zoo you took me to.
Maybe we can do a Kiddieland with a petting zoo.
- Yeah. - Killer's got snakes.
- Oh, well... - Hey, you like snakes?
[mutters]
You're not gonna catch anything.
You're a pussy.
That has nothing to do with catching.
[Pete] Are you sure peanut butter's a good idea?
Absolutely. Just go to sleep with your eyes open
and say whatever's on your mind.
Yeah.
[Pete] Is it near me right now?
He's coming this way. What, are you scared, Pete?
[Pete] Yes, I'm terrified.
You look really brave.
- [Pete] Eat the peanut butter. - Oh, he's coming.
Grab him. Grab him.
He just dragged his nuts across your face, Pete.
Cage. Give me the cage.
Give me the cage.
Shit.
[Benny] It's a porcupine.
It comes from the Middle French word meaning "thorny pig."
Hold my beer.
You need to charm him, like a lady.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Put him in the bucket. Put him in the bucket.
Come on. In. In, in, in.
Ow! [whimpers]
I'm going to just slip one in in case the squirrel's frisky.
Just stay relaxed.
Here. Lookee here.
Yeah. Wait, wait.
There's more where that came from. Lookee here.
- [Benny] Shh. Fucking shut up. - [D.C.] Dude, it's in.
- Ow! Ow. Ow. - [squeaks]
[Pete] Dude, he likes it. That's disgusting.
Give me the bag. It's totally in your pants.
Hold it in there. Just trap it.
[Benny] Drop it. He'll take it. Don't give him a fright.
- Stand up slow. - I am, I am.
- He's moving. - Shh, shh, shh.
Ow. Ow. Goddamn.
[yells]
- D.C. - Oh, we got it!
- Yeah, baby! - Nice job, Benny.
Don't let it out.
- [Boogie] OK. - No peeking. You peeking?
- No, they're closed. - Keep 'em closed.
All right, and... voilà!
Kiddieland!
Oh! Um...
It's not exactly how I saw it.
Are you kidding? It's fantastic.
- Oh, my God! Don't touch it. - Sorry.
Dad.
Lookee here.
[Boogie] Where did you find all this?
[D.C.] Well, I bought some and caught some.
- That's really dangerous. - No, no, he's in full control.
He's in control.
All right.
Children...
Boogie. Hey. You wanna hold one?
I'm fine, thanks.
He sure has a way with kids, don't he?
[ringing tone]
Channel 7 News. You're speaking to Mia.
I'm looking to buy a merkin.
It's one of them wigs for your vagina.
Benny. I'm at work.
[chuckles]
- Hey, hey! Ho, ho! - Oh, here it is, here it is.
Action Point has got...
- You look like Sean Connery. - Thanks, baby. You're so sweet.
Oh, shit. Here comes my dickhead boss. I gotta go.
- Big hugs. - Bye. Bye.
[boy] Watch out!
Look at those two nestlecocks.
That's like the tenth 7 Parks T-shirt I've seen this week.
Who's shitting down whose chimney now?
Wait a second.
Damn it, Benny. That's my bottle.
I'm sorry.
Mmm, there. Hit it at the bottom of the ball.
Really pop...
[laughs]
[phone rings]
- Are you OK? - I'm good.
[D.C. groans]
- Hello? - [Boogie] Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, Boogie. How's the wedding?
Oh, it's beautiful. It's on the lake. It's so pretty.
Oh, sounds absolutely lovely.
- So, did you guys go out? - No, haven't left the den.
Just telling Rudie about the old times in Action Point.
- Dad. - Oh, she's fine.
She's never been so safe in her whole life.
Duct-taped her to the couch.
OK, Dad, we're about to leave, so I will see you soon, OK?
All right. Well, bring us some cake. Talk soon.
Mom doesn't like you talking about Action Point?
[Old D.C.] Nah, she loved Action Point.
But the irony is it was her idea
that got the park shut down.
Yeah, Knoblach got word of the petting zoo,
so he sicced the state inspectors on us.
I'm sorry. You do not have a permit for a petting zoo.
It's not a petting zoo. It's an animal refuge.
Raccoons, crocodiles, snakes. They are not protected animals.
I have to close you down.
- The entire park? - Yep.
This is an outrage. An outrage!
Shit!
That's it. We're closed down.
All right. We'll have this place back up and running in no time.
Keep moving, you magnificent sons of bitches.
Yo. Got your, uh, supplies.
Well, let's do it.
[Old D.C.] So we patched a few holes around the park
and hatched a plan to capture my neighbor, the boozy bear.
[whispers] That a boy. That a boy.
[whispering]
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- We got him. We got him. - [cheering]
Good bear. Good boy.
[Benny] D.C., I think he's drunk.
[D.C.] "Oh, let me get the door for you, boss.
Oh, oh, boss, boss, your forgot your briefcase."
Poor old Ron.
If I ordered a whole truckload of pompous pricks
and they only sent Knoblach, I'd pay for the shipment.
Hey, welcome back, boys. Good to see you.
- Ron. - D.C.
Lobcock, my bossy little bottom.
The mayor himself asked me to attend,
make sure the good people of the city are kept safe.
Oh, OK.
Kind of like how he's safely tucked up the mayor's ass?
- Uh-huh. - All right, this way, fellas.
- Morning. - Morning.
Show you around the new, improved,
safe and up-to-code Action Point.
Well, I still see a petting zoo.
Killer, if you will.
[roars]
You have a bear?
[Rodney] Yes, sir. A genuine brown bear.
Which falls under the protected class of animals.
[Knoblach] Half your park gets shut down over safety concerns,
and you think a loop-dee-loop will pass inspection?
I don't know. Is there anything on the books
prohibiting a 360-degree loop-dee-loop?
- I think it's inventive. - This is bullshit!
This can't be legal. This is not safe.
[laughter]
Oh, poor Stopcock. Him's got wet.
[laughs]
By the way, you shit waffle, guess what? We're here to stay.
I ain't leaving this park for you or anybody!
[imitates Knoblach] "It's not safe." Oh, did you see his face?
My friends.
Do you guys know what time it is?
[cheering]
One, two, three.
Hey, D.C.
What? Oh, what are you sulking about?
I just got off the phone with our loan officer at the bank.
And?
They're calling the rest of the loan.
We owe them the remainder and he called it a balloon payment.
A what? Can they even do that?
They just did it.
How much time do we got?
Ten business days.
Fucking Knoblach and his buddies at the bank.
We're gonna have to make a real push here. I mean...
We're already getting all the locals. Everyone knows about us.
Everyone in town knows about us,
but we're gonna have to start pulling 'em in from other parts of the state.
But don't worry, I got this, all right?
It's gonna be fine.
Shit.
- Ow! - [Boogie] Shit!
Damn it! Fix that, Rodney.
[Old D.C.] Once again a blow to the head gave me clarity
where there was once none.
I had an idea.
[rock song playing]
Action Point commercial. Take one.
All right, everyone in the go-karts, let's haul some ass.
Action!
Race like a pro at Action Point.
[Annie] This time try not to sound like a little bitch.
- [thump] - Ow!
Action!
Action Point is the greatest place to bring your kids.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my goodness.
- Great job, Gerber. - Do not look over there, OK?
You're not gonna tell Mommy about this, OK?
Are you ready, Rodney? 'Cause he's already had a 12-pack today.
He's getting a little grumpy.
These are the greatest rides in the whole world.
- Whoo-hoo! - I love this place.
Hit it.
[laughs] Attaboy.
OK. Can we get in closer together?
[all] We love Action Point!
- Glasses. - Glasses? OK, right.
- Rodney! - Shut up. He's gonna do it.
[cheering]
[song continues]
[D.C.] Way to go, Rodney! Can he swim?
[Mia] That key is for the back door.
The room you wanna get into is that window right there.
- All right. - Got it.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
See you, Siouxsie Sioux.
- Psst. D.C. - What?
- Maybe I should do this. - Why?
First of all,
you don't need to be getting arrested in front of Boogie.
Second of all? Mia's watching.
And it turns her on when I butch it up.
OK, buddy. But don't fuck this up, OK?
You gotta get in there fast and locate the room.
And when you find it,
do the old Texas switch with our commercial, all right?
- Yeah. - OK.
This is the key. Look. This is the key.
Most of all, Benny, stay focused.
- I won't let you down, D.C. - OK.
[sighs]
- [keys clatter] - You dropped the keys.
Sorry.
[D.C.] There goes a brave man.
[Siouxsie whines]
- [D.C.] Jesus Christ. - [Siouxsie whines]
Easy, Siouxsie Sioux. He'll be back.
Studio Three...
[Johnny Paycheck: "I'm the Only Hell (My Mama Ever Raised)"]
Studio Three.
Go on.
[song continues]
He's totally got this.
[song continues]
Oh, shit. Get down.
Shit. Get down.
- Who is that? - [Mia] Oh, shit.
That's Lyle, our anchorman.
And our drunken weathergirl, Margie.
Get down. Hey, Siouxsie Sioux, lay down.
[door closes]
[song continues]
[song ends]
[both moaning]
[yells]
[Margie screams]
Shit.
[screaming continues]
God. Jesus.
[engine sputters, starts]
[Boogie] There he is. There he is. Go, go, go, go, go.
- [D.C.] Oh! Come on, Benny! - Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go!
[D.C.] Come on.
Go, go, go!
Siouxsie, no!
Schlitz Light, the beer that has less calories, is less filling...
Rodney, when's this shit coming on, man?
Here it comes. Here it comes. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[all shouting] Action Point!
Race like a pro at Action Point.
These are the greatest rides in the whole world.
Come to Action Point and get a free season's pass
with the price of admission.
[man choking]
- Cheers! - [roars]
- [coughing] - Shut up!
[all] We love Action Point!
[all cheer]
Son of a...
[Nick Lowe: "So It Goes"]
Come on.
[D.C.] Welcome to Action Point.
[song continues]
[song fades]
- I can't do this. - Yeah. Yeah, you can.
You want that car or not? Come on, be a man.
- Are you a Knoblach or not? - Knoblach.
Go the extra mile.
[screams]
- I hope he gets hurt. - Totally.
It's so sore. It's so sore.
- Does it hurt? - It hurts. Obviously it hurts.
- Jesus. - Right there?
No! Don't touch it.
- God. - This way.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
You gotta learn to hold on, Trav,
or you're gonna keep falling off all the rides.
Go away.
- Oh, shit. - Dude. Lumpy, Jesus.
Gotta go. It's time to go.
All right, see you tomorrow, you drunk bastards.
- Today was insane. - Crazy.
We're actually gonna make it.
By about noon Monday, that loan is paid off.
Hah!
- Long live Action Point. - [man] D'shawn Chico Carver?
Who?
- D'shawn Chico Carver. - I'm D.C.
- Who are you? - Joel Green.
Joel Green and Associates.
[D.C.] All right, why don't you give me a minute?
I am serving you with papers.
You are being sued for running a reckless and dangerous establishment
by one Gregory Knoblach.
I believe his son was injured
on one of your rides just this morning.
Damn, Joel, you got here awfully quick.
Smell a rat.
Well, you're welcome to prove those allegations in court.
Also be advised my client is willing to hear settlement offers.
Here's my card.
Think it over, huh?
- How much did he want? - Two million dollars.
And I knew this was just the tip of the tort iceberg
and there'd be more claims and lawsuits
and jackhole attorneys coming around.
So what'd you do?
Whoo!
[Old D.C.] Well, Papaw still had some screwing up to do.
[punk rock playing through headphones]
[song continues, faint]
- Hey, Dad, you ready to go? - One second, baby. Sorry.
I'm just... I gotta figure this stuff out or...
But I thought tonight we were gonna...
Baby, I'm sorry. I got a lot.
Is that a new look for you?
Yeah. Yeah, just... I'm just trying it out.
Right.
[D.C.] Shit.
[snores]
- [Pete] Where is she? - [Annie] Hey!
- [Pete] Boogie! - [Annie] Boogie!
- [Pete] Whoo-whoo! - [Annie] Hey, Boogie!
Get in, get in, get in!
[Pete] Come on, Boogie, let's go.
- [Stiv] Boogie! - [Ziffel] All right!
- Whoo! - [Annie] Let's go!
[Pete] Yeah!
[Ziffel] This is my security device.
[radio tuning]
- Can I have a beer, please? - [Pete] Yeah, beer me, beer me.
- [Ziffel] Beer, please. - Hey, can I have one?
I don't know, Boogie.
[man on radio]...less calories, is less filling and yet has great taste.
One.
OK.
- [Pete] Oh! - Here we go. Attagirl.
[The Damned: "Smash It Up, Part 2"]
- Cheers. - [all] Yeah!
[song stops]
[Pete] What the f...
[Travis] Ha-ha-ha. It's the Action Point pussies.
Hey, just give 'em back, all right, man?
Take 'em.
Seriously. Um... OK.
- [Bobo] Yeah? You want 'em? - Yeah.
Fuck off.
Circus freaks.
Watch your...
Annie, no, it's cool. What are you doing? Let go of her.
You gonna fucking push me, asshole? Hit me.
- Come on, hit me, asshole. - Travis, get him.
- Get off! - [siren wails]
- Hey, let's go! - Right, let's break it up!
Get your hands on the hood now. Get over here.
- Do you know who my dad is? - Hands on the hood.
[cop] Out of the car, now.
[cop 2] Get over here. Let me see your hands on the hood.
You're such a fucking disappointment. Look at me.
- D.C. - Wilhoit.
You're free.
They sure grow up fast.
Sneak out on me, huh?
- What do you care? - Excuse me?
You're always so busy with your precious park.
Always so distracted.
I mean, you can't even do one single thing that I like.
That's not true. I enjoy doing things you like.
Except going to the Clash concert, right?
Shit. Did I...
I'm sorry, Boogie.
You sorry that you never come to New York?
Kind of think you're only so sorry.
Which is fine,
because the podiatrist wants to be my guardian.
All you gotta do is sign the papers.
What? What... What are you talking about?
Do you think I'm gonna let some short-timer boyfriend of your mother's
become your guardian?
They've been together for four years, Dad.
He is a positive m... male influ... influence.
[vomits]
- Baby. - Get off me.
It's OK.
[coughs, vomits]
Jesus. It's all right.
[Pete] What the hell are you guys calling this thing?
A trebo what?
[Benny] A trebuchet. It was used to besiege castles.
Personally I prefer a small bomb the French invented called a petard.
"Petard" is the French word for "fart."
[D.C.] It's a catapult. It's gonna get everybody talking again.
- 7 Parks ain't got this. - D.C., this is fucked, OK?
I mean, this is gonna be tricky at best. That pool's tiny.
It's the worst idea for an attraction.
It's not an attraction.
It's a stunt we can charge admission for.
We're gonna make a bundle. Let's see what this baby can do.
[insect buzzes]
[D.C.] You guys ready down there?
- [insect buzzes] - [Pete] Oh, shit!
- [D.C.] Whoa! Wrong way! - [Pete] Shit.
Oh, shit.
- [Annie] Come on! - Shit, shit.
Fuck. Fuck. Oh, shit.
- He's all right. He's OK. - [Pete] Oh, my God.
[groans]
Gonna have to noodle on that one a little more.
- Sorry, D.C. - Well, hey, it worked. Yeah?
Hey, Boogie Bear.
Sweetie?
Shit. Chickenbutt.
Boogie's gone. So's her luggage.
There's 300 dollars missing from the Snack Shack.
I only took 200.
- Where's she headed? - I don't know.
New York. Home.
[tires screech]
Shit.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me, ma'am. I'm looking for my daughter.
She's 14 years old. Her name is Boogie...
- Long hair? Pissed off? - Yeah. Has she been here?
- I'm sure she has. - Why do you say that?
Because this is called a bus station.
All we have here are runaway daughters and the fathers that are looking for 'em.
[man] Rebecca!
Oh, the last bus that left here, where was it going?
- East. Eastbound. - Eastbound to where?
- Next! - No, no, no. Eastbound to...
- Watch out. What the... - Psst.
Hey, man.
I think I saw the girl you're looking for.
She was on the last eastbound.
I think it was headed towards Vegas.
- Vegas? - Yeah.
- Oh. Thank you. - You bet, buddy.
- Hey. Thank you. - Yeah, good luck.
[Benny] Vegas.
In the 1930s there was a Hollywood stagehand called O.K. Freddy,
and he had a huge tallywacker,
maybe even bigger than my grandpa's.
And when they were gonna start filming,
to sort of christen the picture,
the producers would gather up all the cast and crew
and call O.K. Freddy to the front
and they'd shout, "O.K. Freddy!"
And he'd pull out his dong,
shake it around a couple of times
and then they could start filming.
[chuckles]
All right.
Well, when I was a kid,
I had an English bulldog that I called O.K. Freddy,
and one day he ran away and it felt horrible.
But then we found him right alongside the road
and we were happy again.
Before we could get to him, he got hit by a truck.
Boy, did he fly.
Why would you tell me that?
I guess I could have left out the last part.
Yeah, I guess.
Whoa, whoa. I see a bus.
[beeps horn]
Boogie!
- [Benny] Boogie! - Boogie!
- [honks horn] - Stop, please! Hey, yo, pull over!
Son of a bitch. Here, let's switch. Let's switch.
- Take the wheel. Got it? - Yeah.
Pull alongside of the bus.
Boogie! It's Daddy Bear, Boogie!
Boogie, it's Daddy! It's Daddy!
I'm looking for my daughter! Hey!
I said open the damn door!
Open it! Open it!
Son of a bitch. The hell with it.
- Keep it steady. - Why?
I'm gonna bust in the damn door.
- That's stupid. - Just do what I say.
One... two...
Just get out of the damn driver's seat.
Idiot! Unbelievable. What the hell were you doing?
- I was vehiculating. - What?
They're getting away. Come on.
You were supposed to hold it in the road.
- [engine stutters] - Come on, come on, come on.
When did you last get this thing serviced, D.C.?
- Come on. - Probably never.
- [Benny] Think she was on that bus? - [D.C.] Ah. Probably not.
We lost 'em anyway.
- Well, now what? - I don't know.
Wait a second. I might know.
[tires screech]
Is that her?
Yeah, that's her.
[car doors open, close]
Hey, Chickenbutt.
When you were two years old,
I told your mom I wanted to freeze you at that age.
You were so cute with those big eyes, and... so innocent.
How's that supposed to make me feel?
Like it's not OK to grow up?
No, it's just...
Well, with myself I'm pretty free from fear, but...
with you I get scared.
Then why do you do it?
Why are you so obsessed with the park?
When your mom left with you,
and she had her reasons, I lost my family.
I guess the Shitbirds and the park,
they became my family.
And I didn't wanna lose them like I lost you.
You... You didn't lose me.
[Old D.C.] As we talked, I realized the reason
I was so terrified of her growing up
is 'cause I hadn't been there to watch her grow up.
- Papaw, are you crying? - No, hell, no.
I'm... I'm just old, and my eyes steam over sometimes.
It's a side effect of Cialis. That's Papaw's heart medication.
So what happened to Action Point?
Action Point was doomed.
It couldn't exist today in the nanny state
with all the helicopter parents.
No way. I just had to accept reality.
I didn't have enough money to pay off the lawyers,
and, well, the talk with your mom got me to thinking.
So I did what any reasonable man would do.
I blew the whole thing up.
We had a damn good run.
[Knoblach] Get out of the way. Get out of the way.
Get the hell out of my way. Move it. Move your ass.
There's fucking Knoblick and his lawyer.
Fucking lawyers.
That's the injury? Looks like a sprain.
[Stiv] It didn't look like that the other night.
Open up! Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
[laughs]
- Morning, Slobcock. - Boogie.
- Oh. - Why didn't I think of that?
Well, guess you got my message.
Yes, I did, and I am very happy
you decided not to delay the inevitable.
I hope you brought the title to Action Point.
I made a lot of mistakes in my life,
but I never hurt my kid on purpose.
Ah, well, thank you.
He's buying me a Z28, so...
[Knoblach] Come on, let's go.
You can just put an X
if you don't remember how to spell your name.
No, no. What's he doing?
Sure is a lot of people out front.
For God's sake, D.C., just sign the damn thing.
All right, all right. You win, Knoblach.
It's all yours.
- There you go. - Thank you.
This is not a victory for me.
This is a victory for all of Calico Ridge.
- [man] Fuck you. - That's right.
Action Point and everything in it is now officially yours.
Yeah, I know. That's great. Thanks for the information.
And contractually I just want to point out
that I'm no longer liable for any lawsuits or injuries
or anything else regarding this park. Isn't that right, Rodney?
Right, those have all been legally transferred over to the new owner.
- And that's you, Knoblick. - Yeah, well, who gives a shit?
7 Parks is gonna level this dump anyway.
- [crowd boos] - Just shut up.
- Hey, thanks, baby. - You're welcome.
All right, everybody, are you ready?
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - Action Point is now open.
- Free beer for everybody! - D.C., no!
[cheering]
Hold on a second. No.
[Sham 69: "If the Kids Are United"]
- [blows raspberry] - [D.C.] Have a ball!
Have a ball! Free beer on Knoblach!
[laughs]
[Travis] Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
[song continues]
You guys are losers. You'll always be fucking losers.
- Jesus. Ah, that is disgusting. - [growling]
Oh, shit.
[roars]
[song continues]
Put that down!
- Whoo-wee! - Hey!
Is there a lawyer in the house?
- You work for me! - Our business is concluded!
I'm taking on new clients.
You...
Anyone need a good lawyer?
- Ron. - What?
You take your balls out of your purse and stop these people.
- What do you want me to do? - Hey.
You son of a bitch.
Yes!
[song continues]
[song fades]
[Old D.C.] Later that night, me and the Shitbirds, well,
we said goodbye to the park in our own way.
How the fuck do you wanna do this?
Who gives a shit? Just light 'em up and see what happens.
[cheering]
[grunts]
Boogie?
Boogie!
What? I'm right here.
I thought you had taken off.
I'm just putting my suitcase in the car.
Gotta be at the bus station in an hour, you know.
No, we don't.
What do you mean?
Well, how about we take a road trip, me and you,
all the way to New York City?
Yeah?
And then... maybe I stick around and see what happens?
I mean, you are going into high school now
and I'm gonna have to chaperone any and all dates.
I also thought we would stop in Austin along the way.
What's in Austin?
Well, a little band called The Clash.
Maybe you heard of 'em?
- Did somebody say road trip? - Oh, God.
What? Oh. Oh.
- Right after my morning swim. - Dear God, Benny.
- Come on, Siouxsie. - [D.C.] Guess we got company.
[Boogie laughs]
I like that story, Papaw.
You know, I give your mom a hard time.
But parenting ain't easy. She's just looking out for you.
I guess.
Besides, she's the best thing to ever happen to me.
Before you came along.
Wow. When I was younger, I could do four of these at a time.
[Rudie laughs]
- Dad? - Hi, Mom.
You OK? You all right?
- Rudie, are you OK? - Don't worry about me.
- [groans] - You all right, Dad?
Yeah, just came outside to get a little fresh air.
[Boogie] All right.
Oh, man.
Are you gonna get sick? You want a beer?
Ah, it's OK. Oh, I think I got a hemorrhoid.
All right, Papaw's gotta go.
He's got a lamb stew on slow boil.
Thanks, Dad. She loves having you around.
We both do.
- Bye, kid. - Bye, Papaw.
Maybe next week we'll go get us some tattoos.
[Rudie giggles]
Mom, I think I'm gonna go lie down in my room.
Kind of tired.
- Papaw has a lot of energy. - He does.
[sighs]
[groans]
Ha, ha, ha. Dad, get up.
[laughs]
Bet you thought the old man had bit it.
[chuckles]
Ha-ha!
[laughs]
She always would buy dirty magazines, and I was, like,
"Mom, why is Grandma always looking at naked ladies?"
She was, like, "Oh, Chris..." Fuck, I used my fucking name.
- [cackles] - [shouts]
Yes!
Somebody hand me a beer and listen up.
[groans]
That's a hit.
And he's dead. You're all sad. Action!
[laughing]
[yells]
- [Boogie] Shit! - Jesus.
[no audible dialogue]
There's, like, zebras everywhere and there's, like, flocks of...
All right, hold on. I'm getting a call.
Hello?
[man] Three, two, one. Action!
Whoa! Whoa!
[man] Can you put a nut on my lens here?
[screeches]
[man ♪2] He got bit.
I need... I need more of that fucking stuff.
It... It came out of my eyes.
[yelps]
[cheering]
[Deke Dickerson: "I Was In Love"]
[song ends]
[new song starts]
[song fades]
[roars]