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Whoo!
Who cares about winning? Let's get drunk!
Let's do it.
Let's get you drunk, Merkins. You, too, Borgs.
I'm thirsty. Huh?
I need four shots of vodka, four shots of water.
I want you to send the vodka over to the Merkins.
Send the water to us. You understand?
What former Supreme Court Justice...
- Oliver Wendell Holmes! - Correct.
Yes!
Again, I'd like to ask the players to allow me to...
To finish the question.
Very funny.
Okay, okay. This is getting embarrassing,
so we need to focus
because this isn't a game.
It literally is.
Bill, do not test me right now.
Looks like we're down to two teams.
So, for double points,
what is the name of the purple Teletubby?
- Tinky Winky! - You're both correct.
He always carried a...
- Red purse. - Yeah.
- And he loved big hugs. - Big hugs.
I know. I'm Max.
Annie.
Ha-ha! You're never gonna be able to hold on to Asia! You hear me?
Hey, if you take Kamchatka, and I take Mongolia,
we could trap Linda in the middle.
- Starve out her armies. - Hey!
You can't form alliances.
Worked for Hitler, right? Hmm?
You're high-fiving Hitler?
All right, you got this. Last one.
Oh, that's Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.
Yes!
I'm up. I feel good.
Two words.
Bill. Overweight.
- No. - Single. Out of work.
What the fuck?
Hairy.
Uh, carry, marry.
Marry!
You. Me.
Marry me?
Dude, we got it! We got it!
Annie, will you?
Will you marry me?
- Is that a yes? That's a yes! - Yeah!
I'm really happy for you guys.
- Ooh, lot of pressure here. - Yeah.
You miss, you lose it all.
Stay out of my head.
And you know you have a distinct advantage with the smaller hands, right?
Your goal posts are not as big.
Well, I guess you should've married Uma Thurman.
Yeah, that would've been great.
There's a snap. Here's the hold.
- Ooh! - And a text.
That was interference.
Sorry, honey. I know how much that meant to you.
Come on.
Dr. Chin is ready for you.
Uh, great.
I think we've determined why you've been having trouble conceiving.
- Okay. Let's have it. - Okay, great.
Oh, what's that look? Is it me? Of course, it's me.
I'm not loving your semen.
Oh?
Your count is excellent, but your motility is well below normal.
- That's too bad. - What would cause that?
It can be genetic, environmental factors.
Nine times out of 10, though, it's psychological.
Have you been feeling anxious or stressed?
No, I don't think so. Not really.
Uh... He's always a little stressed.
You don't have to write... I'm not...
Honey, she's writing it down.
Well, Max is very competitive. As am I.
We sure are.
One of the reasons I fell in love with him.
Maybe, uh, that makes him a little more prone to stress than normal people.
"Normal people"?
How long has this been going on, Max?
It's not going on.
Oh, well, you did say, even when you were a kid,
you would freak out if you lost at anything.
- Oh, I was a kid. - Especially if you lost to your brother.
Hmm.
Hey, is that what this is?
No.
You have been so uptight since you found out that Brooks is coming to town.
- I don't think that's true. - Could that be a factor in all this?
Let's be fair.
Sibling rivalry can be very powerful.
Cain and Abel, the Baldwins.
- The what? - The brothers.
I'm not sure why we're discussing this. She's not a therapist.
You're not a therapist, right? With all respect.
- No, but I am a doctor. - Sure.
And I believe in treating the whole patient.
So, what is it about your brother that makes you feel emasculated?
Are we gonna do this?
We're right next to the room where I masturbated.
I think he has it in his head that Brooks is cooler
and more successful and hotter than he is.
I never said hotter.
He's charming.
That's interesting. And is he single?
What's that?
I don't know if I mentioned it, but Keith and I are on a trial separation.
- Oh. - Keith?
Uh, Keith.
So, do you think your brother would wanna grab a cup of coffee with me?
Gosh, I don't know.
Well, it doesn't hurt to ask.
Hurts a little.
Now, is he a tall fellow? 'Cause I'm only 5'2".
We're all done with my semen?
He is taller than Max.
- Good. - But he did date this ballerina once,
and she was just a teeny-tiny little thing.
Ooh.
Honey, Gary. Don't mention game night, okay?
Mmm-hmm.
- Good evening, Max. - Hey, Gary.
- Annie. - Hello there.
Hi, Gary!
Just checking the mail.
Oh, yeah?
Some people check it earlier in the day,
but there's always a risk that the mail carrier hasn't come yet.
This spares me the chance of a futile trip to the mailbox.
Uh-huh.
Plus, it allows Bastian here the opportunity to urinate.
You have a good one.
Any plans for this evening?
No.
Perhaps a game night?
We're just gonna stay in,
- just the two of us. - Mmm-hmm.
- Boring. - Mmm.
I see.
I do hope you keep me in mind for any future game nights.
You bet.
I've always enjoyed the camaraderie of good friends
competing in games of chance and skill.
Yeah. Yeah, well, we'll do that,
but tonight, it's just the two of us.
Three bags of Tostitos Scoops, I notice.
There was a special on these tonight.
Three for one.
Three for one?
Yup.
How can that be profitable for Frito Lay?
These corporations,
I don't know what they're doing.
Well, you two enjoy each other.
It's often we don't appreciate what we have until it's gone.
- I think that's it. - Okay.
Bye-bye!
If Gary sees the others coming, we're screwed.
No, no, honey, it's not gonna be a problem.
I was very, very clear with everyone to park far away
and just to sneak in quietly, you know.
But now, I mean, you don't think we're being dicks, do you?
I mean, should we just still invite the guy?
He really seemed like he wanted to play.
No, no. Debbie was our friend,
and Gary was just the creepy husband that we had to put up with.
That's true.
He's only gotten worse since the divorce.
Yeah, we don't owe him anything, right? Fuck him!
Hi!
Hi.
Can we help you?
I'm okay.
Hey!
Of course. Ryan, why are you coming in through the window?
You said sneak in so RoboCop wouldn't see us.
I meant sneak in through the door.
Well, you were super vague.
- I wasn't vague at all. - Wine?
I know I didn't say, "Break the succulents."
- Hey. - I'm not dressed for this nonsense.
This is ridiculous.
It's like Night of the Living Dead in here.
Yeah, you are asking a lot from us, Max.
I didn't say to come through the window.
This is Max. We used to work together.
- His wife, Annie. Michelle. - Hey!
And that guy, Kevin.
- What's up, buddy? - The door was right there.
Guys, this is Madison.
Yeah, you brought her last week.
You work at Forever 21, right?
- No, no. - I work at Sephora.
- I'm confused. - Different girl.
Same look, same voice.
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
- That's yours. - It's...
No. I think you're supposed to kiss it, right?
Welcome.
Do you guys have a bathroom?
There's one just down the hall. You need it?
Okay, is it on the right or the left? I don't wanna go in the wrong room.
The one with the toilet.
- Can't miss it. - Okay.
- Oh, boy. - Dude!
- Wow. Where'd you find her? TED Talk? - Right?
No, at Chipotle.
Let me ask you something, Ryan.
Aren't you sick of losing game night every week
because of the dates you bring?
They're not always that bad.
Heather, seriously.
How many photos of you with the dog filter do you need?
Uh... "Dennis" isn't a word.
Uh, yeah, it is. It's my daddy's name, so...
These are the elite, the very best, the...
Oh, oh! White people!
- What? - Oh, Jesus.
Okay, unlike you psychos,
I don't give a shit about winning game night.
I don't need that validation.
But you do need the validation of dating Instagram models?
Absolutely.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not like you, Michelle.
We didn't all meet our soul mate when we were 10 years old.
14.
- Oh, sorry. - 14.
And we didn't get married until we were 19.
- See, that's gross. - You know what, Ryan?
I hope one day you get to meet a lovely, young lady.
So you can love her as much as I love my sweet baby right here.
Yes, find her. Look how cute this...
- Hey, look at this. - So much love.
Let's look at him when we do it.
- Hey, everybody, grab your drinks. - Find the love!
Let's go play, come on.
Dude, do you know what rich people are doing on their game nights these days?
What's that?
- Fight clubs. - What?
I just read about them.
They pay poor people to fight each other,
and then they bet on the winner.
- No, that's not a real thing. - Yes, it is!
If you can have anything you want in this world,
you have to raise the stakes, or life gets boring.
The Kennedys used to have fight clubs at their compound.
Honey, listen, you gotta stop reading BuzzFeed every second of the damn day.
How about some charades? Huh, should we start with charades?
- Let's go! - Yeah!
It's been a while, huh?
Do you wanna wait for Brooks?
I don't think we need to. No, he's late.
- Wait, hold up. Brooks is in town? - Yeah.
I thought he was working in Europe.
He was, yeah. He's apparently back for some business.
Haven't seen him yet.
- But we can get started. - Yeah!
- Who wants to start? - Who are you guys talking about?
Max's brother. He's this super successful venture capitalist.
Yeah, he was the first to invest in Panera Bread, you know?
The Fuji Apple Salad was his idea.
- A lot of investors. - Yeah.
He's like the Mark Wahlberg to Max's Donnie.
Well...
Which is a huge compliment
because Donnie was fucking great in The Sixth Sense, wasn't he?
He was.
Was he in The Sixth Sense?
He sure is, yeah. You know who is not in The Sixth Sense?
Mark Wahlberg.
Mark would never take a role that small.
Is that right, Madison?
Man, I haven't seen him since the wedding.
- Remember that speech he gave? - Yes.
And then he paid for that whole firework display!
- Oh, my gosh! The fireworks! - Little over the top.
Let's get started. I'm gonna start us off.
- Yes, let's start! - Here we go. Let's do it.
We gotta pick teams first.
- Movie? - It's a movie. Okay.
- Dude, we have no teams. - You just give up?
Better not be Brooks.
You didn't tell him to park up the street?
I did, yeah, like, three times.
Hey!
He got a Stingray, huh?
Turn off your car!
What's that?
Hello, again.
Mmm...
Still wearing the uniform.
Hey, bud, I'm sorry I'm late.
I hope you didn't start game night without me.
Did you not get my text?
What text?
Oh, hello, Officer.
Why's that guy staring at us?
Gary, I want you to meet my brother, Brooks.
We're having a little family three-man game night tonight.
Wait, what do you mean three-man?
You said that Michelle and Ryan and Kevin were...
No, no, no. Just gonna be us three.
I can see them in the doorway.
There's a whole mess of people. Hey, guys!
- There they are. - Hey!
These guys are leaving.
Take off, guys.
We had a little bit of a mix-up with the, um...
- God damn it! - What?
We didn't want him to know that we're having a game night.
He used to come, and we don't like him anymore, so...
Oh.
You know, I think he knows now.
He sure does.
Maxi Pad, come on, bring it in.
I haven't seen you in a year!
Hey, you smell good.
What is that? Is that Selsun Blue? Head and Shoulders?
Why do you assume it's a dandruff shampoo?
Well, I mean, you've always been a little bit of a snowstorm.
- Hey, would you hold that for a second? - Yup.
Hey, guys!
Well, you look good, stranger.
It's been forever.
I know, and that's my fault. I'm so sorry.
Sweet ride, Brooks.
Oh, you like that? I just got her a couple weeks ago.
What is that? A Corvette?
It's a 1976 rally red Stingray coupe.
It was my dream car as a kid.
And that's what gave me the idea to get it.
You know what? I love your house.
Are you being sarcastic?
No, I mean I love your house.
It reminds me of Mom and Dad's.
Makes me think of simpler times.
"Simpler"?
Uh, so, how long are you in town for?
You know, I'm not sure.
It depends on how many clients
the firm's gonna be having me schmooze while I'm here.
But hopefully for a while.
I don't get to see you guys, and I...
God, I really miss you, man. I really do.
Oh.
Miss you, too, Brooks.
And go!
Shock-rocker. Dated Rose McGowan.
Oh! Ah, Marilyn Manson.
Yep. You got it.
- Quick story. - There's no pausing.
You remember the urban myth where Marilyn Manson had the ribs taken out
so he could go down on himself?
Yeah.
You don't mind me telling the story, do you, Max?
You're in the middle of a...
You were 14 years old. It's an adorable story.
I forbid it.
I'm a little curious.
Did you blow yourself?
You know the bungee cords on roof racks?
Yeah.
Max took one of those bungee cords, and he put it around his neck.
Here he goes.
And then he wrapped it behind his legs
so he could squish his face down into his crotch,
but the problem was
that it got stuck! He couldn't unhook it.
And about an hour later
Mom comes home, and she finds him there.
Shit!
Her little pretzel boy on his bedroom floor naked.
Little pretzel boy?
Great story. Are we back on now?
So?
"So" what?
Did you suck it?
Let's go. Come on. Brooks.
Back to it. Come on. Play the game.
Poor man's Johnny Depp, starred in Jericho.
Skeet Ulrich.
UN Secretary General '92 to '96.
Oh, Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
This guy. He hated kids in Jurassic Park.
Uh, Sam Neill.
Dubstep DJ, looks like Corey Feldman.
- Skrillex. - Yep.
- Rappers love this Cubist painter. - Picasso!
- Big cat shot by asshole dentist. - Cecil the lion!
Time!
- How many? - Seven!
Seven!
You're up, pretzel boy.
Whoo! Go, Max!
- Come on, Max. - All right. Here we go.
And kick it. Go!
Oh, this is easy!
Annie, the famous actor that we met at the airport about eight years ago.
Who?
Only actor we've ever met at an airport who's famous.
Bobby Flay?
Not an actor. This fellow was in front of us at the Sbarro.
We were wondering why he wasn't in the first-class lounge.
Oh, yes, yes.
Who was that?
God damn it!
Max, there's a whole room of people to help you out here.
- Use us. - Good point.
He was the Incredible Hulk.
Eric Bana.
- Other one. - Um, Mark Ruffalo.
- Other one. - Lou Ferrigno.
Holy shit! Primal Fear.
Richard Gere never played the Incredible Hulk.
- Time. - Motherfucking Ed Norton!
Oh!
Primal Fear!
Oh, my God!
He was the Hulk.
- The Hulk. - I forgot that.
Max. Zero points.
I'd say he blew it, but he won't tell us, will he?
Shit! Did you?
I can't believe I didn't get Bob Barker.
Hey, guys! What do you say we do this at my house next week?
- House? What house? - Ooh. Really?
Since I don't know how long I'm gonna be here, I rented a place.
It's only a couple miles away.
You know, it's up on Broadmoor.
Oh! Swanky neighborhood.
It's a very cool house, but it's just me there alone.
It'd be great to have you guys come over.
Oh, well, it's kind of a tradition to have game nights here.
But you know what?
Let's let him show off his big house, huh?
That's the spirit!
Trust me.
This will be a game night to remember.
- Oh, boy. - Mmm.
Promise?
Good night, everybody. I love you much. Drive safely.
- Kisses! - All right.
- Take it easy. - Bye.
That little motherfucker.
Whoa!
Well, I mean, come on.
We don't see him in over a year.
He shows up in your dream car,
insults our house, and then tells an embarrassing story about you
right before your turn just to throw you off your game.
Welcome to my whole life. Why are you suddenly so worked up about it?
Well, cause now he's messing with your balls
and literally killing millions of our babies.
Well, that's a little dramatic,
but, yeah, you know, I mean, that's Brooks.
I thought that this was just regular old brother stuff,
- but I totally see it now. - Mmm-mmm.
He undermines you every chance he gets.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
- It's crazy! - Thank you, Annie.
You know, I've never won a single game against him.
I just...
I think we gotta fix this Brooks thing.
- Fix it? - Yeah.
What are you suggesting?
I'm suggesting we beat his ass.
Jesus Christ.
Good evening.
We're gonna skip the cleanup?
Sure you don't wanna take a Lyft?
No, no. I am not getting drunk tonight.
- I'm gonna stay alert and ready. - Evening!
Jesus, Gary!
Where are you headed?
We are going to, uh, to my brother's.
Another game night?
No. No, absolutely not.
We're going to, um,
have some dinner.
Eat.
I see.
Pity. I was going to invite you over for a dinner I'm hosting.
I've purchased four lamb shanks
that I've been simmering in a broth of red wine and rosemary.
That sounds so yummy, though.
Damn it.
It was actually Debbie's recipe.
I like to think she left behind her recipe cards as a gesture of goodwill,
but it was most likely an unintentional oversight.
Well, here we go.
What?
I'm sorry?
I thought you said something.
- No. - Nope, not us.
Okay.
Have fun.
Oh, fuck me.
A guy who rents a house this big
must be making up for something pretty small, I'd say.
No, no. No, I've seen his dick. It's pretty great.
Well, I tried.
- Hey! - Hey!
- How are you doing, beautiful?
- Good, good. Really fancy. - Very nice house, Tony Stark.
Should we give our drink orders to Jarvis?
No, I got the Tony Stark part, but then you went full nerd on me.
I kind of lost you, but please do come in.
All right.
- Thanks, Cap. - Hi, guys!
What's up?
Boy, could sleep four on that couch. Look at that.
Oh, hello, friends.
Hey, let me introduce you to my date. This is Sarah.
Sarah is head of company accounting at our office.
Well, corporate communications.
And she's also British, which means she's smart as shit.
- I'm Irish. - Okay? Same island.
Well, it's really not.
- Nice to meet you. Hi. - Nice to meet you, too.
- I'm Max. - Annie.
So, you can't always judge a book by its past covers, can you?
- Mmm. - Almost a saying.
- Here you go. - Hey, Brooks.
- Cheers. - We didn't know if you had any games,
so we thought we'd bring you a few of our favorites.
Hey, look at that.
Whoa!
- Huh. - The poor games.
I told you we're taking it up a notch.
The game that we're gonna play tonight is so epic
that we don't need a board, and we do not need pieces.
Still didn't need to throw them across the room.
I was being theatrical.
Holy shit! Are we doing a fight club?
A what?
It's when rich people pay poor people to fight each other...
Hey, hey, hey! Ryan, Ryan, Ryan. Stop with the fight club, okay?
- It's nonsense. - No.
Ryan believes everything he reads.
Thank you.
So, what are we playing?
In the next hour, someone in this room is going to be taken.
And it's gonna be up to you to find them before they are murdered.
Oh! It's a murder mystery party.
Notjust any murder mystery.
I found this company. They do it super real.
They use legit actors.
You're not gonna know what's real and what's fake.
- Fun! - But that's not all
because whoever finds the victim wins the grand prize.
The keys to the Stingray.
- What? - Wow.
Just the keys?
No, Ryan, the whole car.
Oh, yes! Oh, man!
You're so lucky I brought you to this game night
- and not one of Max and Annie's. - Hey!
- No, I just mean, 'cause this is better. - Oh.
You're not gonna actually give away your car?
Oh, it's just a tax write-off.
And the Audi, it's more practical.
Yeah, that makes sense to me.
Okay. How do we start?
We just wait for it to begin.
Maybe play a drinking game to pass the time?
This group does not play drinking games.
Tonight we do, Max.
- Oh! "Never Have I Ever." - Good one!
Can you believe this guy?
Yeah, he's ridiculous.
Beautiful house, though.
Good champagne.
Here we go.
Yup. We're at the house.
We'll let you know when we have him.
Jesus Christ!
What's with that knife?
It's for the cheese.
Okay, all right. Just, you know,
really aggressive way to carry a knife.
Oh, no, I've got one.
Never have I ever connected my work computer
to the projector in the conference room when it was open on a WebMD page
for chlamydia symptoms.
That's not cool!
Drink!
Just for the record, I did not have chlamydia.
It was pubic dermatitis. You get it from not washing your crotch, so...
- Okay. - Good for you.
I... I like her.
And, listen, you're not supposed to single people out in this game.
It's supposed to be generic things, like
"Never have I ever slept with a celebrity."
Oh, I didn't know. Okay.
Whoops.
- Mmm? - Ooh.
What?
You slept with a celebrity?
No, I was taking a drink separate from the game.
- That was bad timing. - Mmm.
I see how you would think, but it's not.
Well, then why are you breathing like you just got off the elliptical?
I'm not. I'm...
Come on, babe. Whose turn is it?
Uh, it's Max. Max, it's your turn. Huh?
I'm not playing a drinking game. Who was it?
What's the deal with that?
They've been together since middle school.
It's somebody else's turn.
- Oh. Oh! - Yeah!
How could you possibly have had sex with a celebrity
when we've only had sex with each other?
Please, can you not make this one of your things right now?
How is this one of my things?
Yeah, Brooks, this is why we don't play drinking games.
It looks like the game is afoot.
Oh!
Thank you, God!
Oh, boy. Let's buckle up, huh?
Brooks Davis?
Yes.
- Oh, shit. - Ooh!
This is good.
Agent Henderson.
FBI.
Sunglasses at night. It's legit.
Sit down, please.
I'll get right to the point.
The Bureau has been tracking a ring of violent kidnappers
in this very neighborhood.
And we have reason to believe that one of you
may be their next victim.
That's terrible news.
Contained within these dossiers
are the clues you will require to find the kidnappers.
You'd like for us to do that, yeah?
The Bureau's... What's the Bureau's role in this?
Maybe you guys could take my wife in for questioning
because, apparently, she got a secret life I don't know nothing about.
- Baby, this is... - Shut up, all of you!
Wow.
It's not a joke.
You people are in real danger, and you're running out of time.
And I, Agent Henderson, will not stand idly by
while innocent civilians are slaughtered on my watch.
I told you this is gonna be great.
- It's so good! - So good.
But, uh, before we get started,
I'm required to ask if any of you have any food allergies.
Peanuts?
Who the hell are you?
Oh!
Now wait a second. I know you're method and all,
but you can't just come in here and break the door.
I do not mind this game.
Are you crazy?
It's very well done.
No!
That is a strong table.
Oh, watch out! He's packing heat!
Hell no!
Oh! Oh!
Come on!
You're just making this harder on yourself!
Oh, shit!
Guys, make sure you get a piece of this cheese. It's just...
- Cut me one. - Try it with the quince.
Oh, my God!
Now he's back.
Stop fighting, asshole!
Help me! This isn't...
The Independent Spirit Award goes to...
Let's go!
Bye-bye!
First one that follows us gets shot!
Okay, roger that. You drive safe.
Come on, motherfucker!
- That was amazing. - Really good.
- That was really good. - Wow.
Mmm. No, there's something about this that just doesn't feel right.
How could you cheat on me with a celebrity?
I didn't cheat on you.
It was before we got married when we took that break.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I've been living in The Matrix.
Agent Henderson, you just gonna keep lying there?
Is any of this real?
Well, don't kick him!
- Stop. - He's a regular Daniel Day-Lewis.
I thought we both agreed
that we wouldn't hook up with anybody else during that break.
Yeah, but then you went and got a hand job from Karen Waller.
- No, don't do that. - Boop! Boop! Boop!
Because it was over the pants, all right?
It was, and it hurt. It was very dry, and I didn't climax.
Just admit it. You guys did more than that.
Don't turn this around on me. Do not do that.
Don't you Johnnie Cochran me!
Damn it, they got the jump on us.
- Come on. - Shit, Kev!
Come on now!
All right. Here's the first clue. Looks like a riddle.
"With shiny fangs..."
"My bloodless bite..."
"Will bring together what's mostly white."
Donald Trump.
"Bloodless bite." It's not a vampire. Um...
I'll just Google it.
It's so inconsistent, isn't it?
I mean, they stage this super realistic fight.
They give us an FBI dossier but with riddles.
It's like, let's pick a tone. Let's stick with it.
But that's the game. You wanna win this car or not?
Yeah, yeah. More than anything,
but I feel like Brooks is setting me up.
Do you get that feeling? You know,
that this is some game where somehow he's gonna humiliate me?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, let's not play by his rules.
"My bloodless bite, my bloodless, bloodless bite.
"Bloodless bite, bloodless bite, bloodless bite."
Can you stop chanting "bloodless bite"? It's just...
- Trying to think. - Yeah.
Oh, shit!
Max and Annie must have figured it out.
Right. We need to find an advantage.
Advantage, advantage, advantage...
Brooks' wallet?
You think we should steal all of his shit!
No.
Hi, yeah. I lost my credit card.
I was wondering if you could tell me what the last few charges I made were.
What are you doing?
If we can find out the name of the murder mystery place he used,
we can go to their office and pay them off to give us the final clue.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You're, like, a double threat. Brains and you're British.
Thanks.
Okay. What has shiny fangs that bites white things together?
A stapler!
And the white things are paper.
Yes! You are so smart and unfaithful!
Oh, there it is.
Yes!
Look at that.
- Flash drive. - Put it in the desktop.
Okay.
Another riddle.
"I'm brown and old by day, white and young by night.
"My eyes are glass.
"I have nine faces but no head.
"I sing to the sky but have no voice.
"I'm everywhere and nowhere."
What the fuck is that?
I mean, how cool are we?
- Very, very cool. We are very cool. - Right?
You're the cool one. You know, tracking the phone is just a great idea.
Still on Route 18, huh?
We're catching up to them. Here we come, Brooksie.
Can you imagine the look on his face when we find him so fast?
You know, baby, I can feel my sperm already coming back to life.
- Perfect. - Yeah.
So we'll win your brother's car, and then we'll go make a baby in it.
- Yeah! We'll make him watch us. Huh? - Yeah.
- I don't wanna do that. - No, me neither.
- Sorry, don't know why I said that. - I'm not into that.
- Not a great idea. - Okay.
Okay, great. Thank you.
All right, I got the name and the address of the games company.
- Let's go. - Yes!
All we have to do now, figure out what "bloodless bite" means.
No, we don't. That's why...
- Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, no. - Doesn't matter. Let's go.
How you gonna be old and young?
- That doesn't make sense. - I know.
Guys, hey, how's it goin'?
I just wanted to wish you the best of luck tonight. Bye.
- No. - Mmm-mmm.
What are... What are you doing?
Just being a dick.
Oh!
- Don't kick him, Ryan! - He's such a good actor!
Ryan!
God damn it!
Baby, hand me those matches. I'm about to burn this door down.
You're gonna light a fire in a windowless room that we're trapped in?
You slept with Bill Nye the Science Guy. He talked to you about flames?
What about that?
Where could he be?
His phone stopped right here, huh?
- Hear that? - Yeah.
Ugh.
Found it!
He must've known we were tracking him.
Well, they outsmarted us.
Hang on.
Isn't that one of the actors?
Guess they're not so smart after all, huh?
Guess not. We are nailing this!
Why are we crouching?
I don't know. It feels right.
Oh, it's horrible in here.
- Yeah, it's sticky. Shoes are shot. - Ugh.
Ooh. There he is. There he is. Don't let him see you. Come on.
Sit down right here.
Bartender, sir, can I ask you a question?
Um...
You, um...
You didn't happen to see a fellow brought in here,
looks a little bit like me,
but he's got a little bit of a sharper chin
and higher cheekbones?
So a better-looking guy?
No, well, I wouldn't call it that.
I didn't see nothing.
- Oh, boy. You hear that? - Huh. Yeah.
That double negative? "Didn't see nothing"?
- It's a little forced, right? - Yeah, I think he's in on it.
- 'Course he is. - Look at those tats.
So fresh, probably fake.
Tell you what. Let's give him a test, okay?
Let's order a couple of drinks that only a real bartender would know how to make.
Oh, smart! Yes.
- Sir! Excuse me. Hi. - Barkeep.
Totally forgot to order drinks.
Yes, uh...
Could I please have a vodka tonic?
Well done, honey.
I'm gonna have a Harvey Wallbanger.
Okay? Appreciate it.
Jesus! Did you see that look?
Guy doesn't know what's going on.
Think you stumped him.
Regional theater hack.
Huh?
- Well, this is kind of fun, isn't it? - Yeah.
It's nice to get out of the house.
You know, we're not gonna be able to do stuff like this if we have kids.
- What? - Yeah.
- Why not? - Well, I don't know.
I was thinking about it. Remember Dan and Linda?
Remember how much time we used to spend with them?
Just tons of fun. And then they had those twins.
Boom! Off the grid, right?
Last time we saw them was their Christmas card
with the wonky kids on it.
Yeah, I love those Christmas cards. They look so happy.
But you know what I mean.
- We don't see them... - Vodka tonic.
Harvey Wallbanger.
- Appreciate it. - Thank you.
Cheers.
Did he get it right?
Huh. I do not know. I realized I've never had one of these,
but that is a tasty drink. It's kind of tart.
You wanna try it? Oh! Honey!
Honey! There's Brooks!
Brooks is here. Brooks is here. We're about to win this thing!
- Yes, yes! - Look who came in here.
Oh! No! I think he made us.
So what? It's over. What, are they gonna try to stop us?
- Let's go. - Yeah, probably.
But that's why I brought this.
Jesus Christ, honey! Where did you get a gun?
No, no, that's the fake gun from Brooks' fight.
- Oh, yeah. Boy, that looks real. - Yeah, well, you know...
- Brooks never spares any expense. - Look at that.
- Yeah, that's true. - Okay. Follow my lead, huh?
Why? What are you doing?
Lead?
Any of you fucking pricks move,
and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you!
Very nice, honey.
Pulp Fiction, anybody? Right? It's a classic.
We love films.
Okay, what the fuck is this shit?
Well, you're gonna hand over the keys 'cause we're gonna take my brother.
Bullshit.
Oh! You know what's bullshit is your bald, ugly face.
Uh-uh. No, that's personal. Come on, honey, let's just keep it fun.
All right, I'm sorry I called you bald, you little bitch!
Well, that's, again, you know...
- Let the gun do the talking. Come on. - Okay. Ah!
On your knees. Hands in the air.
- Good. Good. Great. - Heads on the ground. Eyes closed.
That's it. Get them up, reach for it.
- Hands up! That's right. - There we go.
- All right, hands in the air! - Get them up!
- Yep. - Yo, where's my head go?
- Down. - On the floor.
Just rest it.
How am I supposed to put my hands in the air
- with my head on the ground? - Fucking exactly.
I did have the same question.
Child's pose? Do you guys know child's pose?
Fuck is a child's pose, man?
You've never done yoga?
- Okay, wow. - No?
- Cover me. - Show them, baby.
- All right. Arms out. - Here she comes.
Knees apart if you have back problems.
And if you're doing it right,
you're really gonna feel that lumbar opening up back there.
Let's put your head down.
Come on. I don't wanna have to use this. Okay?
Okay.
Can't you just tell me who it was?
I know you, Kev. If I tell you, you'll just obsess about it even more.
Okay, fine. How about this?
If I guess it right, you tell me.
Fine.
Was it an actor?
Yes. That tower is unstable.
I'm not stable! Was he over 40?
Yes. Be careful.
Okay. American?
Yes.
It's Tommy Lee Jones.
What? Ew. No.
Denzel? Was it Denzel? Denzel Washington?
It wasn't, unfortunately.
Thank God.
Um... Be careful.
Oh! Sweet freedom.
Oh, my God!
You see, this dumbass thought he can keep us locked in here.
But guess what? You can't lock us in here!
You see, hate put us in here!
- Okay, baby. - But love is gonna bust us out!
- Ahh! - Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Kev! Kev, are you okay?
Baby, I fell down.
There it is.
Yes, I'm so glad I invited you tonight!
Yeah, me, too.
I usually bring these girls I wanna sleep with, and they just suck!
You're like a breath of fresh air.
Aw, thanks.
I usually go out with men I find interesting and non-stupid,
so this is a bit new for me, too.
Whoa!
Are we cool?
Did I say something wrong?
No.
No, I mean I was wondering why you asked me along tonight,
and now I know you just needed a ringer, so...
Oh, did you... You thought this was a date? I didn't...
No, actually. Well, I was hoping it wasn't.
Then why are you wearing lipstick?
- I'm not. - Yeah, you are.
What are you...
You can't touch a girl's mouth.
Why? Are you scared I'm gonna smear your lipstick...
Oh, my God! You bit me!
Yeah, and I'll bite you again.
There's lipstick on here.
Oh, shut up!
I see you wiping off that date lipstick!
Ow!
That really hurt a little bit.
Hello?
Um, excuse me?
Yeah, okay.
Um...
Hello?
Oh, oh! Oh, shit!
Holy shit!
God!
Come on! Bloody hell!
- What? - Phew!
You guys scared me so bad. What are you doing?
What the fuck is that?
Oh. Well, I just came from
a six-hour murder mystery where I played the corpse.
I must've dozed off before I had a chance to clean up.
Well, you scared the shit out of us.
Really? Thank you.
Actually that means a lot 'cause I do my own makeup.
What kind of party has a pregnant corpse?
No, I'm actually pregnant. This isn't part of it. This is just...
Oh!
- Congrats. - Thank you!
Um, we want you to give us the final clue
to the murder mystery Brooks Davis ordered.
Oh, my gosh. But that would ruin the fun.
We don't want the fun. We just wanna win.
Yeah, I can't do that.
This change your mind?
No.
Don't...
What about this?
Mmm.
You drive a hard bargain. Okay.
Let's take it up a notch.
I was hoping I wasn't gonna have to dig this deep, but okay.
Final offer.
You know what? It doesn't matter how slowly you slide it over!
Okay? It's $17! How much do you want?
- Um, I don't know. Probably $100. - Give her $100.
I don't have a hundred.
How much have you got?
$17.
$17?
You brought $17 out?
Nice!
- Thank you! - Cool.
So you're just gonna keep it. I got you.
Stay back!
Hey, buddy, can you just give us the answer to the second riddle,
'cause we're way behind.
Don't you get it?
That was not supposed to happen.
Oh, what now? You guys already did the breaking-in thing.
Shut up! And get on the floor, all of you!
Whoa!
Ron, you okay?
No, Nathan, I'm not okay.
Two guys came in here and attacked me.
- Oh, my God. - I know!
And I quit Disney Cruises for this bullshit.
We can check, but that doesn't make any sense.
I'm not wearing a jacket.
Maybe it means, like a book jacket.
Why would a book have a jacket?
Murder We Wrote.
Glenda, something terrible has happened.
What?
Nathan and I showed up for the takeaway,
and Ron had been attacked.
Where? At the Brooks Davis house?
- Yes. - Huh?
What?
Is everyone okay?
No, no. I'm not okay, Glenda!
I have a throbbing headache, and they took the host!
- Who took him? - Kidnappers!
Real ones! Dangerous fucking criminals!
I'm packed and I'm holding I'm smiling, she's living, she's golden
She lives for me
- Sing into the mic. - Jesus!
No.
Her own motivation She goes round, and she goes down on me
And you, Tats?
You got something to say? No? Boop.
Coming over you Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
I see you eyeing that, Ponytail. Not on my watch!
Bingo! Bingo! I got them, baby. Let's do this.
Yes! Okay.
Hey, hey, Brooks!
- Guess who it is! - Oh!
Ready? Hello!
- Look at that face! - Oh, shit.
That is priceless!
You did not expect us this early, did you?
I've gotta capture this moment. Honey, get in there.
We'll take a quick little selfie here
and send it off to the losers. One, two, three.
Cheese!
Ha!
Perfect. Oh, speak of the devil.
There's Ryan now, probably calling begging for help.
- Ugh! - Ignore.
This is not a game, Max!
Jesus! Guys, it's a wrap in here, okay?
Show's over!
Listen, I'm not a venture capitalist. I'm a smuggler!
- A smuggler? - Yeah, I made a mistake.
I sold the Bulgarian's egg to a different guy.
And I have to get it back to him, or he's gonna kill me!
"The Bulgarian's egg"? Wasn't that the third Harry Potter book? Come on.
Wait, I'm confused. So, this isn't the end of this whole thing?
No, it is the end, okay?
You said, whoever catches you gets the car.
We found you, we get the car. Game over.
No! I'm telling you! This is all real!
The shitty actors are real? Come on.
How about that ridiculous fight? Was that real?
Is this gun real?
Oh, no, Annie!
Oh, no. Oh, no. Bang, bang.
Ow!
Blood!
Oh, my God! I shot you!
You fucking shot me!
Cut me loose before we all get shot!
Come on, untie me!
- Get me out of here! - Oh, God!
Help me. Help.
Oh, my God!
- Go out! Go, go, go! - What the fuck did you do to me?
Come on, come on, come on.
- Hey! - Where are the guns?
You shot me.
I know. I feel terrible.
- Come on, man! - Go! Go, go!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on, come on, come on!
- Oh, my God! - Move your ass!
- Honey, get in! - Go, go!
Go, go, go!
Holy shit!
Hold up! Hold up, motherfucker!
- God damn it! - Man, come on!
Brooks, what the fuck is going on with you? Start talking!
I've lied to you and the family about what I do.
I buy and I sell illegal shit for people in the black market.
Really? So you're a criminal?
Oh, my God! They're following us!
But I made a mistake, because there's this guy.
They call him the Bulgarian.
He's got his fingers in all these pies around the world.
- What kind of pies? - Illegal pies, Max.
You know, the kind of pies that have heroin in them and guns and sex slaves.
You know, all that kind of stuff.
But he just wanted me to help him find this Fabergé egg.
Fuck that! Fabergé egg?
- Are you kidding me? - No, I'm serious.
And I found it!
But then there was this other guy, this Marlon Freeman.
He's willing to pay twice as much for the same egg.
So what? So you screwed over the Bulgarian guy
and those fellows behind us work for him,
and they just happen to crash your murder mystery party?
I know, right? What are the odds of that?
- Oh, too close, too close! - Careful, careful!
Watch out! Watch out!
Oh, oh!
- Shit! - Sorry! You okay?
Yeah, I'm all right.
- We need to go to the cops now! - Yeah, right now! Let's go!
- We can't go to the cops! - Why?
The Bulgarian's got a ton of moles.
On his face?
No, in the police department.
Look out!
Careful!
Oh, my God! This is insane!
If you call the cops, I'll be dead before I get to jail.
Why don't we just get a hold of this Marlon Freeman guy
and buy the egg back from him?
I couldn't find him if I wanted to. That name's an alias.
- Gun, gun, gun! Duck! - Oh, oh...
Okay, these guys are not stopping. What do we do?
They're not gonna stop until they get me.
I'm sorry I dragged you guys into this.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry for a lot of things.
- Hey! What are you doing? - What is he doing? What is he doing?
- I love you, Max! - Brooks, don't be an idiot!
Stop the car!
- Shit! Go, go, go! - Oh, my God! Okay, okay.
Fuck! What are we gonna do? They're gonna kill my brother.
Oh, Annie, I feel faint. I'm gonna pass out.
Oh, honey, we'll get you to a hospital, okay?
No, no, no! No hospitals.
This is a gunshot wound, they'll call the cops.
Shit, shit! Okay.
So we go to a mob doctor, right?
Do you know one of those, sweetheart?
- No. - No.
What about a veterinarian that works for the mob?
- You know one of those? - No.
Come on. Why are you pitching all the mob stuff?
- I think 'cause I'm losing my shit here! - I get it.
You're gonna have to do it.
- What? - Yup.
You're gonna have to take the bullet out.
I don't wanna... I don't wanna do it.
You think I want you to take the bullet out?
I've seen you try to cut a chicken. We have no other option.
Oh, my God! This is so bad!
I hate game night!
Thank you!
Hey!
Oh, thank God. Listen, Annie. It's all real.
Oh, no, I know.
Brooks is caught up in something and...
Okay, where are you guys?
We're all at Brooks'. Waiting to talk to the cops.
No! No, no, no! Do not talk to the cops!
What? Why? What's going on?
- Are you guys okay? - Yeah, yeah.
We're fine. We're fine. I shot Max, but he's fine.
What?
Look. We will meet you back at our house.
Whatever you do, do not tell the cops anything.
Brooks's life depends on it.
- Hey. - Hi.
Okay.
I got a bunch of stuff.
Yeah.
Pocket knife. Tweezers.
Sewing kit. Gauze.
Good, good. All right. Wow, you did great!
Yeah. And they didn't have rubbing alcohol.
And they don't sell hard liquor, so I got you this lovely chard.
Good idea. Way to pivot, yep. Good girl.
What else did you get, huh? More good stuff?
What is helpful in Country Living?
Oh, that's for later. There's a corn chowder recipe. It looks really good.
- You love corn chowder, huh? - Sweet. I do, yeah.
- That'll cheer you up. - Thank you.
Okay. And then a squeaky toy.
- Huh. - For your mouth.
- For the pain. - Mmm-hmm.
Okay. Well, hopefully I won't need this.
- Okay, let's see this bad boy. - All right.
Yeah, careful.
- Okay. - All right.
- Okay. - Okay.
- We're gonna push past it. - No problem. No problem.
- We're gonna get the bullet out. - Let's just Google.
Honey, can you return the text later?
This is instructions on how to remove a bullet.
- Oh, sorry. - It's an alt-right militia website,
so I'm just gonna ignore the racist stuff.
- Good. Good, good. - Yeah?
Okay. "Step one, sterile gloves."
Check!
We're doing the best we can, right?
Okay. Yeah. We're getting by.
"Step two."
Um... Okay. "Disinfect wound."
Right, yeah. That's gonna sting, isn't it?
Yeah, a little bit. Yeah.
- Let's do it. - Okay?
That smarts, huh?
Yeah.
Gonna administer anesthetic.
- We don't have that. - Just gonna skip that one. Okay.
"Step four, apply pressure above the wound."
Here, you squeeze that there.
- I got it. - Great. Thank you.
We're just gonna make two tiny incisions...
- Oh, my God. - On either side of the wound.
Easy-peasy. Huh?
This is fun, huh?
- Are you having fun? - No.
Let's get the bullet.
- Okay. Here we go. - Let's get in there and get it.
- Nice and small, nice and small, baby. - Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Tiny, teeny.
That's not small. That's really big!
So big?
Way too big, baby. It's a bullet, not a grapefruit.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry. This is my first time. I don't know...
Oh, there's so much blood.
- No, no. Don't you start doing that. - No, you're gonna make...
- I'm sorry. - Stop it.
I'm looking at you, and you're making me...
Well, don't look at me. I won't look at it.
- Push through. Let's go. - Okay. All right, okay.
- No more cutting. - Oh, shit.
Just get the tweezers and get the bullet out, baby.
Shit, shit, shit. Um...
- What? What happened? - Phone went to sleep.
You gotta set it so that thing stays on.
- No. My phone doesn't do that. - Sure it does.
Same phone as mine. Just change it.
Just gonna touch it with my nose every 30 seconds. It's fine.
Don't be afraid of your phone. Get in there, go to the settings,
go to "Display" and change the timing so that it doesn't revert to sleep mode.
- Revert? - Yeah.
What are you, Steve Jobs? I'm not reverting anything. No.
No, I'm just unafraid of my phone, honey.
It's so fucking simple.
Shh! Quiet. I know what I'm doing, okay?
Do you?
Yes.
- Here we go. Here we go. - Here she goes.
You're like a dolphin.
All right. This part's gonna hurt.
I don't... I don't doubt it.
Okay, let's do this.
Okay.
Ooh... Oh, wait.
What is that?
You hear that?
What's that sound? What's that sound?
Is that the bullet?
- That's bone! - What?
That's not right.
Okay. Um, what do the racists say if you can't find the bullet?
Yeah, that's bone. You got the bone.
I'm looking at my bone. Look right here.
Max, did you get shot twice?
That's the exit wound.
Oh, it came out!
Yup. Nothing to remove.
The bullet has exited the arm.
Well, let's just sew that sucker up, huh?
Yeah.
No, no. Honey, don't, don't look at...
Stop it.
I'm sorry.
Now, the Bulgarian's guys have Brooks, and the only way to save him
is to get that egg from this Marlon Freeman guy.
I can't believe your brother's been lying to us this whole time.
He's even cooler than we thought.
Honey, I think you sewed my arm to my sleeve.
I didn't even know Morgan Freeman collected Fabergé eggs.
Aren't those worth millions of dollars?
It's Marlon Freeman, but that's just an alias.
Somehow, we gotta find out his real name, find out his address.
- Police computer. - What do you mean?
I once dated this girl whose father was a cop.
She showed me her dad's police computer.
It has a database with every known alias on it.
I bet we could find Marlon Wayans' real name on it.
So, if we called her up, would she let you go on her dad's computer?
No. No. No way! That ended badly.
So how are we gonna get into a police computer without the cops knowing?
- Billy Bob Thornton! - What?
- You slept with Billy Bob, didn't you?
Hang on. Hang on. I know where we can get on a police computer.
- Hey! - Gary!
Goodness.
To what do Bastian and I owe the pleasure?
Well, we were all just talking,
and we realized we haven't had a game night in ages,
just the seven of us.
So...
I thought you were going to your brother's house.
I never said that.
Come on, Gare Bear. Live a little! It's the weekend!
We were just saying how you were always better at games than Debbie was.
I'll thank you not to besmirch my ex-wife.
That woman is an angel.
Oh. Yeah, she was much better at games than you.
I will admit I have eagerly awaited a visit such as this.
Where'd he go?
Do we follow him?
It seems like it.
- Ryan, you go first. - I'm scared.
Help yourself to popped corn with sea salt.
Oh! Oh!
Yummy, yummy.
I can't believe that you read my mind. I was craving popcorn.
You have a framed photo of game night?
Doesn't everyone have photographs of their best friends in their homes?
Of course. We do.
Max, uh, you wanna go first?
Okay, I'll start. I'll do it.
Oh. There's a loose one.
Always in the middle. That's where you wanna go.
Can I use your john real quick?
Of course. It's the end of the hall, next to our...
My bedroom.
Okay.
Oh, no, Gary.
So, Sarah, how long have you two been a couple?
Oh, no! No, we're not. We just...
We work together. I wouldn't, um... I wouldn't do that thing.
I see. I thought I detected a certain chemistry between the two of you.
No. No way.
- No, that's not... - Mmm. Mmm.
Then again, I'm not the best judge of chemistry in the world.
Hmm.
Oh, because your wife left you.
Oh, shit.
Hello, Donald Anderton.
Oh!
So many possible moves. I just don't know where to begin.
Um, maybe... Ooh...
- Decision-making. - Come on, Annie. Just make up your mind.
- No! - Please! No?
Yup, take your time.
Oh, Brooks. What have you gotten yourself into?
Oh, shit. Where did you come from, little guy?
Son of a bitch. Hey! What are you, a vampire?
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, my God. Has that got it?
No, that doesn't got it. God damn it. Come on!
No!
I should go check on him.
I think he's fine.
- He cried out. - Tell me about Debbie.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, just I... I never met her. I'd love to hear all about her.
Where do I begin?
All right, you wanna take a bath? We'll take a little bath.
There we go. Okay. All right. Here we go.
There we go, huh? Huh?
Oh, it's so much worse.
Oh, God. And what did I do to this? What the fuck is this thing?
Oh, Debbie.
Oh!
Okay. Fuck this.
Hey, guys, Gary was right. It's awful late.
Let's get home, get to bed, huh? Get out of his hair.
We haven't finished the game. It's your turn, Max.
Oh, my turn, huh?
Okay, be careful now, Max. Oh!
Well, game over. I went in a little hot.
- Why did you... - Thanks! Good to see you, Gary.
When shall we play next?
Soon. We'll call you.
Bastian. Baby!
So, how are we supposed to get this egg out of Donald Anderton's house?
I don't know. I'm gonna figure it out.
"Unknown Caller." Please don't be Gary.
- Hello? - We have your brother.
Um...
Okay. Uh, we know where the egg is,
and we're actually on our way there right now.
We can do a swap, okay? Please don't hurt Brooks.
Meet us on the East 4th Street bridge at midnight. If you're late, he dies.
- Oh, my God. - Um...
Boy, that's less than an hour from now.
Hello?
What's up with this guy's voice? He sounds like a monster.
He's using a voice changer, Ryan.
He still sounds like a scary monster.
And we are here.
All right. You guys head home,
and I will call as soon as I get the egg, all right?
What? Wait a second. Wait. I'm going with you.
No, Annie. It could be very, very dangerous in there, okay?
Listen, Brooks shouldn't have dragged any of us into this,
but he is my brother, and it's up to me to fix it.
No, bullshit! We're all in this together!
No, no, no. Max is right. You guys should go home,
but you and I are doing this.
Okay, what happens if you guys don't make it out?
We don't come to game night because we're dying to play charades and shit.
We come because we love you guys.
Honestly, this is the best part of our week.
Mine, too. And I have a lot of options on the weekend.
Wow. You guys...
Thank you. That's very nice.
Aw, good friends.
You should probably go, though, right? I mean, you don't even know us.
Yeah, why are you still here?
Oh, I don't know. I just got caught up in it.
Also, if I go home now,
and then I read in the newspaper tomorrow that you all died,
I'll just... I'll feel shit that I left, so I'm gonna stick around.
You still read the newspaper?
That's what you got from that?
How are we gonna get into this place?
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Okay.
Looks like they got a party going on. This could be good.
Where is everybody?
No way!
It's some kind of rich guy's fight club.
I knew it. They are real.
Come on!
That's my Boomer! That's my Boomer!
Man, this is some Django Unchained bullshit.
Water!
That's my boy! Good boy! Good boy!
Rich people are fucked up!
Kramer, get Logan ready!
Okay, minimum buy in is now 10 grand.
Okay, I think we should split up.
Yeah. And let's start upstairs.
Anybody finds the egg, just text the others, okay?
And for God's sake, be careful with it. All right?
Got you. I got it.
Be safe.
What are you... What are you doing?
Who says the egg isn't in here?
Also, I have a really good feeling about Logan.
Egg, egg, egg. Wow! This is some bedroom.
Does it remind you of your celebrity boyfriend's?
Are you still on this?
Yes, I'm still on this, Michelle. That's all I can think about.
And that's saying a lot,
considering we got Eyes Wide Fight Club going on downstairs.
Why is this so important to you?
Because, Michelle, look, I am losing my mind here. Okay?
We were broken up at the time.
I got a hand job from Karen Waller, so you had every right to.
So why not just tell me?
Okay, fine.
It was 10 years ago.
I was at a gas station, and I noticed a guy at the next pump.
It was Denzel Washington.
Hold up.
It actually was Denzel?
Yeah.
He was really nice.
He made some joke about how premium gas is probably the same as regular.
I took a chance, and I asked him if he wanted to get drinks.
He said yes.
We both got a little tipsy.
I offered to pay for drinks, and he let me,
which I thought was pretty cool.
We danced for hours.
Eventually, we ended up back at his place,
and one thing led to another.
It was just this crazy thing that happened,
and, in a weird way, it made me realize
the only person I ever wanna be with is you.
Nah.
Nah. I don't believe it.
- Oh, you... - Mmm-mmm.
Well, I took a picture with him at the club.
I put it in a hidden folder.
Denzel and Michelle.
Yeah, baby, that's not Denzel.
Yeah, it is.
Mmm. No, it's not.
Dude looks a lot like Denzel,
but, uh, it's not him.
You're crazy. That's... Look at that, that's Denzel.
Okay, let me ask you this. Did he say he was Denzel?
Well, no.
He tried to introduce himself, and I cut him off
because I told him I knew who he was.
- What kind of car did he drive? - A BMW.
- Hmm. - Three series.
Mmm. What was his place like?
It... It was a two-bedroom condo.
And he used the, um, spare room as an office, so...
Do you hear what you're saying right now?
Hold on, let me see.
When you zoom in, the nose gives it away, right?
- God damn! - Mmm-hmm.
Look, don't beat yourself up about it, okay? There is some good news.
If you wanna get with Denzel, huh,
he's standing right here!
Because the real Denzel ain't got shit on me.
I mean, how does this monster have five kids? We don't get to have one.
Well, his wife looks like she's about 15.
Uh... Yeah. My sperm are fine.
Right, right. No, I know, honey. We're just gonna...
We're gonna keep plugging away until something sticks, okay?
Gee, you really sound like a guy who wants to have a kid.
Well, you know, I'm just...
I'm a little distracted right now, honey, as you might imagine.
Look, if you're not into this, you kind of gotta tell me.
Listen.
I wanna have a baby, but how do I explain this? Um...
Do you remember how we used to play Pac-Man at Fisker Lanes,
and we could play all night?
Do you remember, this one time, I made it all the way up to level 86,
- and you were not too far behind, right? - Eighty-five, but...
And then I kicked your ass at Galaga.
- So anyway, what is the point? - Mmm... Anyway,
do you remember how we stayed alive so long?
All we did was we ate the pellets.
We never ate the fruit because the fruit is how they get you.
Oh, you're doing a metaphor!
Yes, but here's the problem.
No matter how long you and I stayed alive in the game,
neither one of us ever made it up to the leader board.
And you think if we have a baby,
we'll be officially settling down,
and you'll never make it onto the leader board of life?
That's such a good metaphor.
Yeah, no, it's not. It's kind of bullshit.
Why?
- What are we, 16 years old? - No.
You wanna go backpacking through Europe? Huh?
You wanna, like, have some wine coolers on a football field
with Rebecca De Mornay?
Not specifically.
You know who's always gone for the fruit, Max?
Your criminal brother, and that is why the ghosts are about to eat him!
Look who's embracing the metaphor.
I'm so... I'm... Wow.
You know what? All this time, I've just been thinking
that if I helped you beat Brooks, you would be less stressed.
But you don't wanna beat Brooks. You wanna be Brooks.
I'm gonna look somewhere else.
Come on, Logan! Boomer ain't shit!
Hey, ADHD!
We're supposed to be looking for the...
Holy shit. I'm right again.
Wait, where are you going?
Everybody's watching the fight. I'm gonna go grab it.
- No, don't fucking... - Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Kill him!
Oh, shit!
Who the hell are you?
Me?
Yeah. Who are you? And what are you doing with my egg?
Oh. I was just admiring it.
I got a bunch of these fancy-pants eggs back at home. In my mansion.
- Uh-huh. - This one's ugly. Hmm.
Does anybody know this guy?
I certainly hope so. I'm the CEO of Cyberdyne Systems.
I should go.
Boomer, take him down.
Everyone hold on a goddamn second!
Boomer!
Hey, any luck yet?
- No. - You?
Go! Go! Go! I got it! I got it! Let's go! Come on!
Sorry. Sorry.
Hey, Ryan! Ryan!
Oh, shit.
No!
Okay, okay.
Shit!
Michelle, I'm open! Hit me. Hit me. Baby.
- Oh-ho-ho! - Security!
No, you don't.
Holy shit!
Kev, up here! Throw it!
I got it!
Oh! Oh, my God, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, no! No! No! Get away! Get away!
Okay. Oh!
Go to the other side!
Oh, my God!
Annie! Annie, where are you?
- Max! Max! - Over here! Hey!
No, no, no!
Get off me!
No!
That was easy.
Oh.
Man, glass tables are acting weird tonight.
Go, go, go!
Get in! Get in the van!
Get in, get in, get in!
Get them! Get them!
So, you don't wanna have a baby, so we can do more shit like that?
No. No.
Is that the fruit you were thinking about?
Mmm-mmm. That's not the fruit. No.
Hey, thanks for the assist.
Yeah.
I don't even know why I really did it.
Do you think it's 'cause you're falling for me?
I...
Not... Not sure.
Ugh. I was joking.
Oh. Okay. Yeah.
Aren't you gonna say you were joking, too?
Do you want me to?
- Oh, my God, you're making this weird. - No, I'm not.
- Stop it. - Okay, fine.
It's two minutes to 12:00. Where the hell is this bridge?
GPS says it's right around here, but I don't see it.
Oh, oh. Oh. There it is. 4th Street.
Oh, shit!
- Oh, my! - That's great.
That's great. Now they're gonna kill my brother.
Oh, God!
Hold on.
I'm not an expert, but these gems look plastic to me.
"Made in China." Is this thing not even real?
Maybe just that sticker was made in China.
- Let's let them talk. - Can I see?
Hey, why would the Bulgarian ask Brooks to bring him a fake egg?
Uh, I don't think he wanted an egg at all.
I think he wanted what was inside the egg.
"WITSEC." What is that?
Um...
We could ask them?
You tell anyone we were coming here?
No.
I've got your egg.
You do?
Yeah, but we broke it.
- What? - Well, it was a fake.
But we have the list of names that was inside.
That's what you wanted, right?
Okay. Get on the ground.
We've got what you want. Can't you just let us go?
I said, "On the ground!"
You, too, playboy, get over there. Get on the ground.
Yeah.
None of that child pose bullshit, either.
The Bulgarian's gonna kill me, probably you guys, too.
Why did you come here?
Because you're my brother, and I can't just let you die,
even though you might deserve it.
Yeah, it's me. We got them all here.
You're unbelievable, you know that?
You've always been a better person than me.
You gotta shut up. Okay?
Listen. I'm a fraud, Max.
I'm not the carefree dude that wins at everything he touches.
You know how I win? I cheat. I cheat at everything.
I even cheated when we were kids playing Battleship.
What?
Didn't you ever wonder why I made you sit with your back to the TV?
It was so I could see your ships in the reflection.
I mean, I even took five grand every time we played Monopoly
before we even started playing the game.
I cheated at the Game of Life. And at the game of life.
You son of a bitch.
- You son of a bitch! - Sit down.
- What about you, Princess? - I don't have anything.
But it didn't stop there because, when we grew up, Max,
you went off to college, and I...
You got a career.
You married the greatest girl in the world.
I knew I couldn't keep up with that success.
So I...
I told everyone that I got a job on Wall Street.
And I did.
Selling coke to traders.
You didn't invest in Panera?
I ate at Panera.
Jesus Christ.
What's going on?
But that's why I've been trying to make it up to you.
That's what this whole game night was about.
See, I had it rigged so that you'd finally win.
The last clue was gonna lead you...
Your jacket pocket.
Huh.
Surprise!
I even managed to fuck that up, though. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Max.
I think we're gonna be okay, though. I got a feeling.
You want us to kill them all?
What?
- Okay. - Wait, wait. Just let us go.
We won't tell anyone anything.
We got you the list!
- What the fuck, man? - Fuck! God damn it!
- Oh, shit. The fuzz. - Fuck, man!
Freeze!
Gary?
Don't even think about it, pig.
Can't say I care for that nomenclature.
Get down!
Come on, bitch!
Motherfucker!
God damn it!
Hey, isn't that your neighbor?
When did Gary get so cool?
Oh, my God!
Everybody okay?
- You're a cool-ass cat, Gary. - You all right?
Fine, thank you,
though, in sliding, my belt buckle may have inadvertently scratched
the finish of my squad car.
How did you know we were in trouble?
The nocturnal Jenga game,
my blood-spattered marital souvenirs,
and Max's curious search history piqued my interest.
- Right. Oh, God. - You, uh...
You saved our lives.
Thank you.
Just doing my job.
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
- Shit! - Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Gary!
Hello? I need an ambulance. Officer down.
- Oh, shit! - Hang in there, pal.
Hang on. Hang on, pal.
Hang on. You're gonna be all right.
We're gonna get you to a hospital.
Okay, look at me. Gary, look.
You have got a lot to live for, okay?
Do I?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
I have no wife.
- No friends. - That's not true.
No, don't say that.
- You got us. We're your friends. - You've got us.
You don't even like spending time with me.
Yes, we do. We just...
We've been a little selfish. That's all.
- Right, right. - You know, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Bastian. - Huh?
Someone please take care of Bastian.
Gary, you are gonna take care of Bastian yourself, okay?
Listen, soon as you get out of the hospital,
you're gonna come to every single game night we have.
Don't...
Yeah?
Don't you ever
exclude me again.
- Never exclude you again, pal. - No.
- Oh, God. What is that? - What's that?
Is that a blood clot?
It's a blood capsule.
- Huh? - A blood capsule?
And that is how you do a game night.
What?
I've duped you all.
Wha...
Hold on a second. Are you telling me that this whole thing was a game?
- What? What? - Damn!
Shit!
I'm sorry. They got up. They got up.
When I learned you stopped inviting me to your game nights,
I hijacked Brooks's murder mystery party,
and I staged a kidnapping of my own.
You gotta be kidding me.
What better way to prove my worth as a game night participant?
Well, what about these dudes? Are they actors?
Oh, no. They're... They're felons.
Felons?
I was able to shave some time off of their parole
in exchange for this little side project.
We square now?
Thank you, gentlemen.
That lady hit me with the car.
Hey, what the hell kind of psycho are you?
You put us through all this, just for your own amusement?
No, no. Just the opposite. For your amusement.
Did everyone have fun?
- No! No. - Yeah. No.
No fun! I got shot!
By me!
I don't see how that's possible. My men were using blanks.
Well, that was my gun. It was a real gun.
So, this whole thing, the Fabergé egg,
the Bulgarian, that was you?
You've lost me.
The egg, the WITSEC list?
It's all you. All part of your game?
This is a list of people in the Federal Witness Protection program.
How did you get this?
From inside the egg. Stop fucking with us. It's over!
I'm not fudging with you. I honestly have no idea what...
Oh, boy. Yikes!
- I mean, how stupid do you think we are? - Hey, Max.
Gang, are we looking at the big twist here?
He gets shot again!
And by who? A couple of new characters you introduce at the last minute.
Dude, you've jumped the shark!
Do you go to the magic shop
- to buy a bunch of these little bullets? - No.
Hang on.
This is Officer Kingsbury. We got a 10-00 on the 4th Street.
Which one of you is Brooks Davis?
It's funny. You don't look like an asshole.
Do I look like an asshole to you?
No.
One of us has to be the asshole in this transaction
because otherwise I'd have my egg, and you'd have your money.
But instead, we've wasted our night tracking you down.
Now, we're gonna have to kill you.
- What? No, no, no, no. - What?
Mr. Bulgarian, I'm assuming?
Hi, I'm Max. I'm Brooks's brother.
And, you know, look. He screwed up.
- Right? You got greedy. - Oh, yeah.
He admits it.
Good news is, though, that we got your egg.
It is broken. Uh, my screw up.
But, um, I got the list.
which I bet you've been after this whole time.
What about this?
How about
you take this list for free, and we all go our separate ways?
Nobody gets hurt.
Uh, except the poor folks on this list, I'm guessing.
Okay.
Okay?
Deal. Makes perfect sense.
No, no. You give him that list, he's gonna kill me.
That's nonsense.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm just trying to buy myself some time.
Not much. We're just gonna cut it out of you on the jet. Take him.
Don't follow us, Max. I'm serious!
I'm not worried about that.
You just letting them go?
Yeah, they've done nothing wrong.
Only this one.
- Let's go. - Don't follow us!
Gary! He's breathing.
You know, the only private air terminal around here is at Conway.
Yeah. How are we gonna get there?
Brooks's house is not that far from here.
But our car's not there.
Yeah, it is.
You know, you don't have to do this because I can just poop it out.
We're not gonna go digging through your feces. That's disgusting!
Now, hold still while I cut your stomach open.
No, no! No! Whoa!
What the hell?
- Is that... - That's my brother.
Get us in the air.
Now!
- Hold on! - Oh!
- You all right? - Yeah, you?
- Yup, good. - Okay.
Okay, okay. What's our plan?
I have one idea.
It's so crazy, though, baby, it just might work.
You're gonna crash the car into the plane,
like Liam Neeson in Taken 3?
He did that in Taken 3, huh?
- All right, are you ready? Here we go! - Uh-huh.
Oh, my God!
Uh, you missed it.
Thanks, baby.
Brooks, we're coming!
Whoo!
Well, at least I got to drive it for 10 minutes.
Oh, my God.
- We have to hide. - Yeah.
Okay. Go.
Oh, shit! Shit! Shit!
Go, go, go! It's stuck.
Fuck!
God damn it!
Where you at, lady?
Come on, you little bitch.
I know you're back here somewhere.
Let's end this shit. I won't kill you. Come out!
Come on, get your ass out here!
Turn on the belt!
What?
- I'm not gonna hurt you. - Look at the box!
- Let's talk! - Can you charade it to me?
Charades?
That's some cute full-circle bullshit.
Here we go. Three words.
Come on, lady.
Where are you?
Turn.
Turn, turn, turn. Turn.
On.
Turn on. Turn on what? Turn on what?
Turn on belt?
Turn on belt!
Boy, that's a slow belt.
Hey!
Oh, God! Annie!
Oh, boy, that was...
You saw what I was going for, though, right?
Yeah, yeah.
But then did you see when I hit him with the fire extinguisher?
- I sure did. I sure did, yeah. - That was cool, right? Yeah.
- Yeah. - Great.
Do you want this?
Well, I don't want you to have it, Calamity Jane.
All right, look.
I think I saw a hatch at the top of the plane.
Maybe I can get the drop on him.
- "The drop"? - Yup, yeah.
Who are you?
Why don't you go use the emergency phone? Call for help.
I'm gonna do the drop.
Okay. You're not Liam Neeson!
- That hurts my feelings! - I'm sorry!
That's enough of this shit.
Max!
I can't get the drop on anyone tonight.
Put that little knife down!
Right now! That's it.
Ahh!
Right in my bullet hole.
Come on, come on, come on.
Shit!
Stop!
Drop it!
Wait, wait. Um...
You don't have to do this. I have kids at home.
Not with that ass you don't.
Oh.
Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
Shit!
Yes!
Oh, no, he died!
And that's how you get the drop on someone!
Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh!
- I got you! I got you! - This is high.
You're amazing.
- You can cut me loose now. - Thank you!
Okay. Okay, okay.
- Uh... - Yeah. In the bag.
- This? Okay. - Look in the bag. That's right.
Okay.
Oh! Thank you!
- Okay. You all right? - Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Whoa.
Well, look at that.
You put a bungee cord in your hand,
you go straight to the pervy place, don't you?
Hey.
You saved my life. Thank you.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I just saw a man die, but I'm... I'm okay.
Is that a knife in your bullet hole?
Uh-huh. Hey. I wanna have a baby.
Uh, what?
I used to think that I wanted Brooks' life,
but, you know, turns out he was just...
You're a loser. He's a loser.
Uh, guilty.
But us making a family?
That's... That's not pellets. That's the fruit.
That's fruit. It's fruit.
Wait. What's going on?
Plus, think about all the dumdums that have kids, right?
And think about how much better our kid is gonna be than their kids.
It's gonna beat their kids at everything.
It's taken you this long to see that?
Our baby is gonna crush every other baby.
That's right. That's right. And not in that "peak too early,"
you know, "kid actor" kind of way, you know?
Mmm-mmm. No.
We will parcel out his or her gifts over time.
- Absolutely. - Yes.
We gotta teach it Mandarin right away.
'Cause China's the future.
- It sure is. - Yeah.
- You're the future. - Oh, my God.
Hmm?
And that concludes my game night.
What?
It went exactly as I planned.
You learned every lesson that I wanted you to.
Trevor, you can get up now.
I'm just fucking with you, but that would've been really cool, right?
You're such a dick.
- Hey! Hey! - Hey!
- Hey, hey! - Hey!
Come on, come on. Hey, thanks for letting me host again, huh?
Well, it's not like we had a choice.
Only 36 months to go.
Oh, time will fly.
- Can I get you a beer? - Uh, yeah.
- Come on! - Hey, listen, Brooks.
I know you're probably feeling pretty humbled by all of this.
But, honestly, I think you're gonna come out the other side a much better man.
Oh! Hey, look.
I completely agree.
You remember the WITSEC list I swallowed?
- Sure. - I pooped it out,
sold it for $3 million on the black market.
- Are you serious? - Pretty sweet, huh?
Brooks, everybody on that list is gonna get killed.
Oh, no, Max, I'm not a monster.
I tipped everyone off that they were in danger.
For $20,000 apiece.
You're unbelievable.
Thank you. It's not like I'm gonna live in this dump forever.
As soon as this cuff comes off, I'm gonna buy that house I was renting.
I'm moving in with Johanna.
There she is.
Hey, Dr. Chin!
Hey, Max.
- Let's play. - Yeah.
Uh, The Crying Game?
Uh, Boys Don't Cry?
Is that a tear? No, is that the actor?
- Mr. Potato Head. - Are you drawing the actor?
- Cry-Baby? - Yes!
Time!
- It was The Green Mile. - What?
How is that The Green Mile?
This is me at the Regal Cinema crying
as I did through much of the film.
How were we supposed to know that, Gary?
I assume everyone cried during The Green Mile.
So, who's next?
I'll go.
- Yeah! - Go, baby!
- Yeah! - Nice try, Gary.
And go!
Uh...
- It's a rock. - A bean? A rock!
- A ball? - That's a...
- Burger. Is that a burger? - Football! Football!
No, oh, that's a dinner roll, right?
- A bun! - Bread?
Is it a bun? Looks like a bun.
French loaf?
- Is this a motion picture? - Bun is in a house. On a train.
Aren't you supposed to announce it?
- Microwave? - It's being cooked. It's in an oven.
- Bun in the oven! - Yes, yes, yes!
Wait. What?
Yes.
You pregnant?
We did it.
Oh, my gosh! They're having a baby!
How you doing?
- Hi. - I'm Kenny.
Nice to meet you, Kenny.
Usually people cut me off and say they know who I am.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah. I didn't catch your name.
I'm Debbie.
English - SDH
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