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1
00:00:57,196 --> 00:01:01,575
There's an old joke. Two elderly women
are at a Catskill Mountain resort.
2
00:01:01,576 --> 00:01:05,162
One of 'em says, "The food
at this place is really terrible."
3
00:01:05,163 --> 00:01:08,832
The other one says,
"Yeah, I know. And such small portions."
4
00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:11,543
That's essentially
how I feel about life.
5
00:01:11,544 --> 00:01:15,589
Full of loneliness and misery
and suffering and unhappiness.
6
00:01:15,590 --> 00:01:17,924
And it's all over much too quickly.
7
00:01:17,925 --> 00:01:22,925
The other important joke for me is one
that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx.
8
00:01:23,306 --> 00:01:28,018
I think it appears originally in Freud's
Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious.
9
00:01:28,019 --> 00:01:32,522
It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing.
I would never wanna belong to any club...
10
00:01:32,523 --> 00:01:35,358
...that would have
someone like me for a member.
11
00:01:35,359 --> 00:01:39,821
That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with women.
12
00:01:39,822 --> 00:01:43,575
Lately the strangest things
have been going through my mind.
13
00:01:43,576 --> 00:01:47,245
Cos I turned 40, and I guess
I'm going through a life crisis.
14
00:01:47,246 --> 00:01:51,416
I'm not worried about ageing.
Although I'm balding slightly on top.
15
00:01:51,417 --> 00:01:54,127
That's about the worst
you can say about me.
16
00:01:54,128 --> 00:01:56,546
I think I'm gonna get better as I get older.
17
00:01:56,547 --> 00:01:59,299
I think I'm gonna be
the balding virile type...
18
00:01:59,300 --> 00:02:03,261
...as opposed to, say,
the distinguished grey, for instance.
19
00:02:03,262 --> 00:02:07,724
Unless I'm one of those guys with
saliva dribbling out of his mouth...
20
00:02:07,725 --> 00:02:10,977
...who wanders into a cafeteria
with a shopping bag...
21
00:02:10,978 --> 00:02:13,146
...screaming about socialism.
22
00:02:13,147 --> 00:02:17,109
Annie and I broke up.
And I still can't get my mind around that.
23
00:02:17,110 --> 00:02:21,321
I keep sifting the pieces of
the relationship through my mind...
24
00:02:21,322 --> 00:02:26,159
...examining my life, and trying to
figure out - where did the screwup come?
25
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,037
A year ago we were... in love, you know.
26
00:02:29,038 --> 00:02:34,038
And... It's funny... I'm not a morose type.
I'm not a depressive character.
27
00:02:34,043 --> 00:02:35,919
I... I, uh... You know...
28
00:02:35,920 --> 00:02:38,421
I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess.
29
00:02:38,422 --> 00:02:42,342
I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War ll.
30
00:02:42,343 --> 00:02:46,179
He's been depressed.
All of a sudden he can't do anything.
31
00:02:46,180 --> 00:02:49,558
- Why are you depressed, Alvy?
- Tell Dr Flicker.
32
00:02:49,559 --> 00:02:51,726
It's something he read.
33
00:02:51,727 --> 00:02:53,812
Something he read, uh?
34
00:02:53,813 --> 00:02:57,440
- The universe is expanding.
- The universe is expanding?
35
00:02:57,441 --> 00:03:02,320
The universe is everything. If it's
expanding, someday it will break apart...
36
00:03:02,321 --> 00:03:04,865
...and that will be the end of everything.
37
00:03:04,866 --> 00:03:07,033
What is that your business?
38
00:03:07,034 --> 00:03:09,202
He stopped doing his homework.
39
00:03:09,203 --> 00:03:13,039
- What's the point?
- What has the universe got to do with it?
40
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,501
You're here in Brooklyn!
Brooklyn is not expanding!
41
00:03:16,502 --> 00:03:20,213
It won't be expanding
for billions of years yet, Alvy.
42
00:03:20,214 --> 00:03:24,259
And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves
while we're here, uh?
43
00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:29,260
Uh? Uh? (laughs)
44
00:03:30,057 --> 00:03:33,268
My analyst says I exaggerate
my childhood memories.
45
00:03:33,269 --> 00:03:36,188
But I was brought up
under the roller coaster...
46
00:03:36,189 --> 00:03:38,815
...in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn.
47
00:03:38,816 --> 00:03:42,861
Maybe that accounts for my personality,
which is a little nervous.
48
00:03:42,862 --> 00:03:45,238
I have a hyperactive imagination.
49
00:03:45,239 --> 00:03:47,782
My mind tends to jump around a little.
50
00:03:47,783 --> 00:03:51,203
I have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.
51
00:03:51,204 --> 00:03:53,914
My father ran the bumper car concession.
52
00:03:53,915 --> 00:03:55,415
There he is.
53
00:03:55,416 --> 00:03:56,917
And there I am.
54
00:03:56,918 --> 00:04:01,918
I used to get my aggression out
through those cars all the time.
55
00:04:03,090 --> 00:04:05,800
I remember the staff at our public school.
56
00:04:05,801 --> 00:04:08,929
We had a saying:
"Those who can't do, teach...
57
00:04:08,930 --> 00:04:11,640
...and those who can't teach, teach gym."
58
00:04:11,641 --> 00:04:16,641
And those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school.
59
00:04:19,232 --> 00:04:22,275
I always thought
my schoolmates were idiots.
60
00:04:22,276 --> 00:04:24,986
Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face.
61
00:04:24,987 --> 00:04:28,615
And Henrietta Farrell.
Just Miss Perfect all the time.
62
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:32,077
And Ivan Ackerman.
Always the wrong answer. Always.
63
00:04:32,078 --> 00:04:34,996
Seven and three is nine.
64
00:04:34,997 --> 00:04:37,499
Even then, I knew they were just jerks.
65
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:42,500
In 1942 I had already discovered women.
66
00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,756
Ugh! He kissed me!
67
00:04:44,757 --> 00:04:46,633
He kissed me! Ugh!
68
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:50,512
That's the second time this month!
Step up here! Step up here!
69
00:04:50,513 --> 00:04:53,515
- What did I do?
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
70
00:04:53,516 --> 00:04:56,893
Why? I was just expressing
a healthy sexual curiosity.
71
00:04:56,894 --> 00:05:00,438
Six-year-old boys
don't have girls on their minds.
72
00:05:00,439 --> 00:05:01,564
I did.
73
00:05:01,565 --> 00:05:05,568
For God's sakes, Alvy!
Even Freud speaks of a latency period.
74
00:05:05,569 --> 00:05:08,905
Well, I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.
75
00:05:08,906 --> 00:05:13,702
Why couldn't you have been more like
Donald? Now there was a model boy.
76
00:05:13,703 --> 00:05:16,204
Tell the folks where you are today.
77
00:05:16,205 --> 00:05:19,624
I run a profitable dress company.
78
00:05:19,625 --> 00:05:23,336
Sometimes I wonder
where my classmates are today.
79
00:05:23,337 --> 00:05:28,216
I'm president of
the Pinkus Plumbing Company.
80
00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:30,385
I sell tallises.
81
00:05:30,386 --> 00:05:35,386
I used to be a heroin addict.
Now I'm a methadone addict.
82
00:05:36,726 --> 00:05:39,769
I'm into leather.
83
00:05:39,770 --> 00:05:43,898
I lost track of most of my schoolmates,
but I wound up a comedian.
84
00:05:43,899 --> 00:05:48,899
They did not take me in the army.
I was... Interestingly enough... I was 4-P.
85
00:05:49,113 --> 00:05:52,282
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
86
00:05:52,283 --> 00:05:54,284
(laughter)
87
00:05:54,285 --> 00:05:56,911
You always only saw the worst in people.
88
00:05:56,912 --> 00:06:00,040
You never could get along
with anyone in school.
89
00:06:00,041 --> 00:06:02,751
You were always out of step
with the world.
90
00:06:02,752 --> 00:06:06,463
Even when you got famous,
you still distrusted the world.
91
00:06:06,464 --> 00:06:10,050
(Alvy) I distinctly heard it.
He muttered under his breath, "Jew."
92
00:06:10,051 --> 00:06:11,426
(Rob) You're crazy.
93
00:06:11,427 --> 00:06:15,096
(Alvy) We were walking off
the tennis court. Him and me and his wife.
94
00:06:15,097 --> 00:06:19,517
He looked at her and they both looked at
me. And under his breath he said, "Jew."
95
00:06:19,518 --> 00:06:21,686
Alvy, you're a total paranoid.
96
00:06:21,687 --> 00:06:24,272
(Alvy) I pick up on those kinda things.
97
00:06:24,273 --> 00:06:28,860
I was having lunch with some guys from
NBC. So I said, "Did you eat yet or what?"
98
00:06:28,861 --> 00:06:31,279
And Tom Christie said, "No. D'you?"
99
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,782
Not "Did you". "D'you eat?" "D'you?"
100
00:06:33,783 --> 00:06:37,369
Not "Did you eat?" but "D'you eat?"
"Jew?" You get it? "Jew eat?"
101
00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:39,496
- Max...
- Stop calling me Max.
102
00:06:39,497 --> 00:06:44,417
Why, Max? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
103
00:06:44,418 --> 00:06:49,418
(Alvy) I was in a record store. There's
this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy...
104
00:06:49,799 --> 00:06:54,799
...looking at me in a funny way and saying,
"We have a sale this week on Wagner."
105
00:06:54,804 --> 00:06:59,804
Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's
really trying to tell me, very significantly.
106
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:02,310
Right, Max.
107
00:07:02,311 --> 00:07:04,354
California, Max.
108
00:07:04,355 --> 00:07:07,440
- Get the hell out of this crazy city.
- Forget it.
109
00:07:07,441 --> 00:07:10,568
We move to sunny LA.
All of show business is there.
110
00:07:10,569 --> 00:07:14,823
No. I don't wanna live in a city
where the only cultural advantage...
111
00:07:14,824 --> 00:07:17,826
...is that you can make
a right turn on a red light.
112
00:07:17,827 --> 00:07:20,745
Forget it.
Aren't you late for meeting Annie?
113
00:07:20,746 --> 00:07:25,746
I'm meeting her at the Beekman.
I have a few minutes.
114
00:07:40,808 --> 00:07:44,018
Are you on television?
115
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:47,063
No.
116
00:07:47,064 --> 00:07:49,357
Yeah. Once in a while. Occasionally.
117
00:07:49,358 --> 00:07:53,403
- What's your name?
- You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.
118
00:07:53,404 --> 00:07:57,407
You were on the... uh...
The Johnny Carson, right?
119
00:07:57,408 --> 00:07:59,576
Once in a while, you know.
120
00:07:59,577 --> 00:08:01,744
What's your name?
121
00:08:01,745 --> 00:08:04,164
I'm... I'm Robert Redford.
122
00:08:04,165 --> 00:08:06,332
Come on!
123
00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:10,003
Alvy Singer. It was nice...
Thanks very much for everything.
124
00:08:10,004 --> 00:08:11,463
Hey!
125
00:08:11,464 --> 00:08:13,131
(man) What?
126
00:08:13,132 --> 00:08:15,216
This is Alvy Singer!
127
00:08:15,217 --> 00:08:17,177
Fellas, you know...
128
00:08:17,178 --> 00:08:20,221
This guy's on television.
Alvy Singer? Am I right?
129
00:08:20,222 --> 00:08:22,932
- Give me a break.
- This guy's on television.
130
00:08:22,933 --> 00:08:25,101
I need a large polo mallet.
131
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:28,271
- Who's on television?
- On The Johnny Carson Show.
132
00:08:28,272 --> 00:08:30,440
Is this a meeting of the Teamsters?
133
00:08:30,441 --> 00:08:33,276
- What programme?
- Can I have your autograph?
134
00:08:33,277 --> 00:08:37,155
- You don't want my autograph.
- No, I do. It's for my girlfriend.
135
00:08:37,156 --> 00:08:39,324
Make it out to Ralph.
136
00:08:39,325 --> 00:08:44,325
- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?
- It's for my brudder.
137
00:08:45,247 --> 00:08:49,083
- Alvy Singer!
- You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star?
138
00:08:49,084 --> 00:08:51,252
Alvy Singer over here!
139
00:08:51,253 --> 00:08:53,421
It's all right, fellas.
140
00:08:53,422 --> 00:08:56,758
Jesus! What did you do?
Come by way of the Panama Canal?
141
00:08:56,759 --> 00:09:00,094
- I'm in a bad mood.
- I'm here with the cast of The Godfather.
142
00:09:00,095 --> 00:09:04,390
- You have to learn to deal with it.
- I'm dealing with guys named Cheech!
143
00:09:04,391 --> 00:09:06,768
Please. I have a headache, all right?
144
00:09:06,769 --> 00:09:09,896
You are in a bad mood.
You must be getting your period.
145
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:14,734
Every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think I'm getting my period!
146
00:09:14,735 --> 00:09:18,029
A little louder. I think
one of them may have missed it.
147
00:09:18,030 --> 00:09:21,241
- Has the picture started?
- It started two minutes ago.
148
00:09:21,242 --> 00:09:23,535
That's it. Forget it. I can't go in.
149
00:09:23,536 --> 00:09:27,038
- Two minutes, Alvy.
- I can't do it. We've blown it already.
150
00:09:27,039 --> 00:09:29,207
I can't go in in the middle.
151
00:09:29,208 --> 00:09:32,001
We'll only miss the titles.
They're in Swedish.
152
00:09:32,002 --> 00:09:35,713
- You wanna get coffee for two hours?
- Two hours? No. I'm going in.
153
00:09:35,714 --> 00:09:39,551
- Go ahead. Goodbye.
- While we're talking, we could be inside.
154
00:09:39,552 --> 00:09:43,846
Can we not stand here and argue
in front of everybody? I get embarrassed.
155
00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:46,015
All right. So what do you wanna do?
156
00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:48,685
I don't know now.
You wanna go to another movie?
157
00:09:48,686 --> 00:09:50,853
Let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.
158
00:09:50,854 --> 00:09:54,691
Come on. I'm not in the mood to see
a four-hour documentary on Nazis.
159
00:09:54,692 --> 00:09:59,112
Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture
exactly from the start to the finish.
160
00:09:59,113 --> 00:10:01,197
Cos... Cos I'm anal.
161
00:10:01,198 --> 00:10:05,827
That's a polite word for what you are.
162
00:10:05,828 --> 00:10:09,872
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best.
163
00:10:09,873 --> 00:10:12,041
It lacks a cohesive structure.
164
00:10:12,042 --> 00:10:16,879
You get the feeling that he's not
absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.
165
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:20,842
I've always felt he was essentially
a technical filmmaker.
166
00:10:20,843 --> 00:10:25,513
Granted, La Strada was a great film.
Great in its use of negative imagery.
167
00:10:25,514 --> 00:10:28,516
I can't stand this guy.
I'm gonna have a stroke.
168
00:10:28,517 --> 00:10:30,685
Well, stop listening to him.
169
00:10:30,686 --> 00:10:33,187
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
170
00:10:33,188 --> 00:10:37,358
Like all that Juliet of the Spirits
or Satyricon.
171
00:10:37,359 --> 00:10:39,861
I found it incredibly... indulgent.
172
00:10:39,862 --> 00:10:43,615
He really is. He's one of
the most indulgent filmmakers.
173
00:10:43,616 --> 00:10:45,783
The key word here is indulgent.
174
00:10:45,784 --> 00:10:47,744
Without getting...
175
00:10:47,745 --> 00:10:51,998
- What are you depressed about?
- I missed my therapy. I overslept.
176
00:10:51,999 --> 00:10:55,335
- How can you possibly oversleep?
- The alarm clock.
177
00:10:55,336 --> 00:10:58,338
Do you know
what a hostile gesture that is to me?
178
00:10:58,339 --> 00:11:01,049
I know.
Because of our sexual problem, right?
179
00:11:01,050 --> 00:11:04,844
Everybody at The New Yorker
has to know our rate of intercourse?
180
00:11:04,845 --> 00:11:06,804
It's like Samuel Beckett.
181
00:11:06,805 --> 00:11:10,558
I admire the technique,
but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
182
00:11:10,559 --> 00:11:13,978
- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.
- Stop it, Alvy!
183
00:11:13,979 --> 00:11:17,607
He's spitting on my neck.
He's spitting on my neck when he talks.
184
00:11:17,608 --> 00:11:21,235
You know, you're so egocentric
that if I miss my therapy...
185
00:11:21,236 --> 00:11:24,572
...you can only think of it
in terms of how it affects you.
186
00:11:24,573 --> 00:11:26,741
Weltanschauung is what it is.
187
00:11:26,742 --> 00:11:28,910
Probably on their first date.
188
00:11:28,911 --> 00:11:32,455
Probably met by answering an ad
in the New York Review of Books.
189
00:11:32,456 --> 00:11:35,083
"Thirtyish academic
wishes to meet woman...
190
00:11:35,084 --> 00:11:38,294
...who's interested in Mozart,
James Joyce and sodomy."
191
00:11:38,295 --> 00:11:43,132
Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively
normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
192
00:11:43,133 --> 00:11:47,387
OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem.
OK? My sexual problem. Huh?
193
00:11:47,388 --> 00:11:51,891
I never read that. That was a Henry James
novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw?
194
00:11:51,892 --> 00:11:54,227
It's the influence of television.
195
00:11:54,228 --> 00:11:58,523
Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it
in terms of it being a high...
196
00:11:58,524 --> 00:12:01,943
...high intensity.
You understand? A hot medium...
197
00:12:01,944 --> 00:12:05,905
What I wouldn't give for a large sock
with horse manure in it.
198
00:12:05,906 --> 00:12:10,326
What do you do when you get stuck in
a movie line with a guy like this behind?
199
00:12:10,327 --> 00:12:13,496
Why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country.
200
00:12:13,497 --> 00:12:18,418
Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't
you ashamed to pontificate like that?
201
00:12:18,419 --> 00:12:22,797
The funny part is, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan.
202
00:12:22,798 --> 00:12:27,593
Really? I happen to teach a class
at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture.
203
00:12:27,594 --> 00:12:31,931
So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan
have a great deal of validity.
204
00:12:31,932 --> 00:12:36,602
Oh, do you? That's funny, because
I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here.
205
00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:39,105
Just let me... Come over here a second.
206
00:12:39,106 --> 00:12:41,274
I heard what you were saying.
207
00:12:41,275 --> 00:12:43,443
You know nothing of my work.
208
00:12:43,444 --> 00:12:45,778
You mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
209
00:12:45,779 --> 00:12:50,074
How you ever got to teach a course
in anything is totally amazing.
210
00:12:50,075 --> 00:12:55,075
Boy, if life were only like this!
211
00:12:55,956 --> 00:13:00,001
June 14th, 1940.
The German army occupies Paris.
212
00:13:00,002 --> 00:13:04,797
All over the country, people are desperate
for every available scrap of news.
213
00:13:04,798 --> 00:13:08,384
(Alvy) Those guys in the French
Resistance were really brave.
214
00:13:08,385 --> 00:13:11,596
To have to listen to
Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
215
00:13:11,597 --> 00:13:15,016
Sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
216
00:13:15,017 --> 00:13:19,145
The Gestapo would take away
your Bloomingdale's charge card...
217
00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,314
...and you'd tell 'em everything.
218
00:13:21,315 --> 00:13:23,483
That movie makes me feel guilty.
219
00:13:23,484 --> 00:13:26,652
Yeah, cos it's supposed to.
220
00:13:26,653 --> 00:13:27,862
ANY...
221
00:13:27,863 --> 00:13:30,198
What? What... What's the matter?
222
00:13:30,199 --> 00:13:32,366
I don't... I don't know.
223
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:37,367
It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed
together. You know, it's been a long time.
224
00:13:37,831 --> 00:13:42,668
Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow
night, so I have to rest my voice.
225
00:13:42,669 --> 00:13:46,047
There's always an excuse.
You used to think I was very sexy.
226
00:13:46,048 --> 00:13:49,175
When we first started going out,
we had sex constantly.
227
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:52,303
We're probably
in the Guinness Book of World Records.
228
00:13:52,304 --> 00:13:55,932
Alvy, it'll pass.
I'm going through a phase. That's all.
229
00:13:55,933 --> 00:13:59,143
You've been married before.
You know how things can get.
230
00:13:59,144 --> 00:14:01,687
You were very hot for Allison at first.
231
00:14:01,688 --> 00:14:05,233
(audience laughter)
232
00:14:05,234 --> 00:14:09,570
You're on right after Chris Brown,
which looks about 20 minutes.
233
00:14:09,571 --> 00:14:11,739
Excuse me. When do I go on?
234
00:14:11,740 --> 00:14:13,908
Who are you?
235
00:14:13,909 --> 00:14:16,077
Alvy Singer.
236
00:14:16,078 --> 00:14:17,620
I'm a comedian.
237
00:14:17,621 --> 00:14:19,121
Oh, comedian. Yeah.
238
00:14:19,122 --> 00:14:21,290
Oh. You're on next.
239
00:14:21,291 --> 00:14:23,459
What do you mean, next? I'm...
240
00:14:23,460 --> 00:14:25,628
You're on right after this act.
241
00:14:25,629 --> 00:14:28,130
No, it can't be. Because he's a comic.
242
00:14:28,131 --> 00:14:29,257
Yes.
243
00:14:29,258 --> 00:14:32,468
- You're putting on two comics in a row?
- Why not?
244
00:14:32,469 --> 00:14:36,055
No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on
after another comedian.
245
00:14:36,056 --> 00:14:37,181
It's OK.
246
00:14:37,182 --> 00:14:40,351
No. Because they're laughing.
So I'd... rather not.
247
00:14:40,352 --> 00:14:42,895
Will you relax? They're gonna love you.
248
00:14:42,896 --> 00:14:46,023
I'd prefer not to. Look.
They're laughing at him.
249
00:14:46,024 --> 00:14:48,901
They're gonna laugh at him
then I gotta go out.
250
00:14:48,902 --> 00:14:51,863
I gotta get laughs too.
How much can they laugh?
251
00:14:51,864 --> 00:14:54,740
- They're laughed out.
- Do you feel all right?
252
00:14:54,741 --> 00:14:57,660
Jesus!
253
00:14:57,661 --> 00:14:59,245
What's your name?
254
00:14:59,246 --> 00:15:00,955
Allison.
255
00:15:00,956 --> 00:15:02,206
Yeah?
256
00:15:02,207 --> 00:15:03,457
Allison what?
257
00:15:03,458 --> 00:15:05,293
Portchnik.
258
00:15:05,294 --> 00:15:07,295
Portchnik?
259
00:15:07,296 --> 00:15:09,463
- That's nice.
- Thank you.
260
00:15:09,464 --> 00:15:12,174
Allison Portchnik! (whistles)
261
00:15:12,175 --> 00:15:16,637
So, what are you telling me? You work
for Stevenson all the time or what?
262
00:15:16,638 --> 00:15:19,557
No,no,no.
I'm in the midst of doing my thesis.
263
00:15:19,558 --> 00:15:20,850
On what?
264
00:15:20,851 --> 00:15:24,145
Political Commitment
in 20th-Century Literature.
265
00:15:24,146 --> 00:15:28,190
You're like... New York, Jewish,
left-wing, liberal, intellectual...
266
00:15:28,191 --> 00:15:32,194
...Central Park West, Brandeis University,
socialist summer camps?
267
00:15:32,195 --> 00:15:36,365
The father with the Ben Shahn drawings?
The really strike-oriented...
268
00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:39,744
Stop me before I make
a complete imbecile of myself.
269
00:15:39,745 --> 00:15:44,290
No. That was wonderful. I love
being reduced to a cultural stereotype.
270
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:47,501
Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left.
271
00:15:47,502 --> 00:15:49,712
(laughter and applause)
272
00:15:49,713 --> 00:15:53,674
I have to go out there.
Say something encouraging. Quickly.
273
00:15:53,675 --> 00:15:55,801
I think you're cute.
274
00:15:55,802 --> 00:15:57,970
- Do you?
- Mm-hm.
275
00:15:57,971 --> 00:16:02,971
Go ahead.
276
00:16:08,106 --> 00:16:09,857
(coughs)
277
00:16:09,858 --> 00:16:13,903
I don't know why they would have me
at this kind of rally cos...
278
00:16:13,904 --> 00:16:17,490
...I'm not essentially
a political comedian at all.
279
00:16:17,491 --> 00:16:22,203
I interestingly had, um... dated a woman...
280
00:16:22,204 --> 00:16:25,331
...in the Eisenhower administration briefly.
281
00:16:25,332 --> 00:16:28,376
And it was ironic to me cos, um...
282
00:16:28,377 --> 00:16:30,836
Cos I was trying to do to her...
283
00:16:30,837 --> 00:16:35,466
...what Eisenhower has been doing
to the country for the last eight years.
284
00:16:35,467 --> 00:16:39,261
(laughter and applause)
285
00:16:39,262 --> 00:16:41,722
I'm sorry. I can't go through with this.
286
00:16:41,723 --> 00:16:45,059
I can't get it off my mind, Allison.
It's obsessing me.
287
00:16:45,060 --> 00:16:47,979
I'm getting tired of it.
I need your attention.
288
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:52,191
But it doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository...
289
00:16:52,192 --> 00:16:55,987
...and the police said conclusively
that it was an exit wound.
290
00:16:55,988 --> 00:17:00,324
So how is it possible for Oswald
to have fired from two angles at once?
291
00:17:00,325 --> 00:17:03,411
- It doesn't make sense!
- Alvy...
292
00:17:03,412 --> 00:17:06,831
I'll tell you this.
He was not marksman enough...
293
00:17:06,832 --> 00:17:09,417
...to hit a moving target at that range.
294
00:17:09,418 --> 00:17:11,377
But...
295
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:13,796
...if there was a second assassin...
296
00:17:13,797 --> 00:17:16,382
- That's it!
- We've been through this.
297
00:17:16,383 --> 00:17:19,260
They recovered the shells from that rifle.
298
00:17:19,261 --> 00:17:21,429
OK. What are you saying now?
299
00:17:21,430 --> 00:17:25,933
Everybody on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?
300
00:17:25,934 --> 00:17:27,393
Well, why not?
301
00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:28,811
Yeah. Earl Warren?
302
00:17:28,812 --> 00:17:31,313
Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren.
303
00:17:31,314 --> 00:17:33,482
Lyndon Johnson?
304
00:17:33,483 --> 00:17:37,987
Lyndon Johnson is a politician!
You know the ethics those guys have.
305
00:17:37,988 --> 00:17:41,032
It's like a notch
underneath child molester.
306
00:17:41,033 --> 00:17:43,701
Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
307
00:17:43,702 --> 00:17:48,205
The FBI and the CIA
and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies...
308
00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:52,668
...and the Pentagon and the men's room
attendant at the White House.
309
00:17:52,669 --> 00:17:55,546
I would leave out
the men's room attendant.
310
00:17:55,547 --> 00:18:00,547
You're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
311
00:18:01,136 --> 00:18:02,636
Oh, my God!
312
00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:04,346
She's right.
313
00:18:04,347 --> 00:18:06,557
Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik?
314
00:18:06,558 --> 00:18:10,186
She was beautiful, she was willing,
she was real intelligent.
315
00:18:10,187 --> 00:18:14,940
Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that
I just don't wanna belong to any club...
316
00:18:14,941 --> 00:18:18,027
...that would have
someone like me for a member?
317
00:18:18,028 --> 00:18:20,196
Alvy, don't panic! Please stop it!
318
00:18:20,197 --> 00:18:23,199
It's a mistake to ever bring
a live thing in the house.
319
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,367
Stop it! Go for that one there.
320
00:18:25,368 --> 00:18:29,205
Maybe we should call the police.
Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.
321
00:18:29,206 --> 00:18:31,874
They're only baby ones, for God's sakes.
322
00:18:31,875 --> 00:18:35,377
- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up.
- All right! All right!
323
00:18:35,378 --> 00:18:38,005
- Here you go!
- Don't give it to me! Don't!
324
00:18:38,006 --> 00:18:40,966
Look! One crawled
behind the refrigerator.
325
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:43,135
It'll turn up in our bed at night.
326
00:18:43,136 --> 00:18:46,263
Will you get out of here
with that thing? Jesus!
327
00:18:46,264 --> 00:18:49,225
Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish.
328
00:18:49,226 --> 00:18:51,393
Hey, look. Put it in the pot.
329
00:18:51,394 --> 00:18:55,356
I can't put it in the pot!
I can't put a live thing in hot water!
330
00:18:55,357 --> 00:18:58,317
You think we're gonna
take him to the movies?
331
00:18:58,318 --> 00:19:00,402
Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you.
332
00:19:00,403 --> 00:19:03,030
OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot.
333
00:19:03,031 --> 00:19:06,617
Annie, there's a big lobster
behind the refrigerator.
334
00:19:06,618 --> 00:19:08,994
I can't get it out. This thing's heavy.
335
00:19:08,995 --> 00:19:13,374
Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here
with a nutcracker, it'll run out.
336
00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:15,543
I'm gonna get my camera.
337
00:19:15,544 --> 00:19:17,795
I think if I could pry the door off...
338
00:19:17,796 --> 00:19:21,298
We should have gotten steaks.
They don't run around.
339
00:19:21,299 --> 00:19:24,301
(Annie screams) Goddamn it! Oh, jeez!
340
00:19:24,302 --> 00:19:26,887
Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
341
00:19:26,888 --> 00:19:29,056
You're gonna take pictures now?
342
00:19:29,057 --> 00:19:31,642
Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely!
343
00:19:31,643 --> 00:19:33,811
Oh, God! That's disgusting!
344
00:19:33,812 --> 00:19:35,729
One more, Alvy. Please!
345
00:19:35,730 --> 00:19:37,523
Oh, good! Good!
346
00:19:37,524 --> 00:19:41,110
Here's what I want to know.
Am I your first big romance?
347
00:19:41,111 --> 00:19:42,862
Oh, no. No, no. Uh-uh.
348
00:19:42,863 --> 00:19:44,280
Really? Who was?
349
00:19:44,281 --> 00:19:47,616
There was Dennis
from Chippewa Falls High School.
350
00:19:47,617 --> 00:19:51,745
(Alvy) Dennis? Local kid? Would
meet you in front of the movie house?
351
00:19:51,746 --> 00:19:54,665
(Annie) You should have seen
how I looked then.
352
00:19:54,666 --> 00:19:57,501
(Alvy) Oh, I can imagine.
The wife of an astronaut.
353
00:19:57,502 --> 00:19:59,753
(Annie) Then there was Jerry, the actor.
354
00:19:59,754 --> 00:20:01,922
Look at you. You're such a clown.
355
00:20:01,923 --> 00:20:03,591
I look pretty.
356
00:20:03,592 --> 00:20:06,135
You always look pretty. But that guy...
357
00:20:06,136 --> 00:20:10,347
Acting is like an exploration of the soul.
It's very religious.
358
00:20:10,348 --> 00:20:14,143
Like a kind of liberating consciousness.
359
00:20:14,144 --> 00:20:16,395
It's like a visual poem.
360
00:20:16,396 --> 00:20:18,606
Is he kidding with that crap?
361
00:20:18,607 --> 00:20:20,774
Oh, right. (laughs)
362
00:20:20,775 --> 00:20:24,653
I think I know exactly what you mean
when you say "religious".
363
00:20:24,654 --> 00:20:25,779
You do?
364
00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:29,283
- Oh, come on. I was younger.
- Hey, that was last year.
365
00:20:29,284 --> 00:20:31,452
It's like when I think of dying.
366
00:20:31,453 --> 00:20:34,038
- You know how I'd like to die?
- No. How?
367
00:20:34,039 --> 00:20:36,832
I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.
368
00:20:36,833 --> 00:20:39,001
Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels!
369
00:20:39,002 --> 00:20:44,002
Listen, he was a terrific actor.
He's neat-looking and he was emotional...
370
00:20:44,007 --> 00:20:46,634
I don't think you like emotion too much.
371
00:20:46,635 --> 00:20:49,470
Touch my heart... with your foot.
372
00:20:49,471 --> 00:20:51,639
I may throw up.
373
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,807
(Annie) He was creepy.
374
00:20:53,808 --> 00:20:56,685
(Alvy) I think you're pretty lucky
I came along.
375
00:20:56,686 --> 00:20:59,063
(Annie) Oh, really? Well, la-de-da.
376
00:20:59,064 --> 00:21:02,900
(Alvy) If anyone had ever told me
I would be taking out a girl...
377
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:05,611
...who used expressions like la-de-da...
378
00:21:05,612 --> 00:21:08,530
(Annie) You really like
those New York girls.
379
00:21:08,531 --> 00:21:12,534
- Well, not just. Not only.
- I'd say so. You married two of them.
380
00:21:12,535 --> 00:21:16,413
There's Henry Drucker.
He has a chair in history at Princeton.
381
00:21:16,414 --> 00:21:20,793
The short man is Hershel Kaminsky.
He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell.
382
00:21:20,794 --> 00:21:23,295
Two more chairs,
they got a dining room set.
383
00:21:23,296 --> 00:21:26,757
- Why are you so hostile?
- Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV.
384
00:21:26,758 --> 00:21:28,926
Is that Paul Goodman? No.
385
00:21:28,927 --> 00:21:32,346
Be nice to the host,
because he's publishing my book.
386
00:21:32,347 --> 00:21:33,847
Hi, Doug!
387
00:21:33,848 --> 00:21:37,601
Douglas Wyatt. The Foul
Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart.
388
00:21:37,602 --> 00:21:42,189
I'm so tired of making fake insights
with people who work for Dysentery.
389
00:21:42,190 --> 00:21:43,399
Commentary.
390
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:48,237
Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent
had merged and formed Dysentery.
391
00:21:48,238 --> 00:21:51,115
No jokes. These are friends, OK?
392
00:21:51,116 --> 00:21:54,368
(TV basketball commentary)
393
00:21:54,369 --> 00:21:56,829
Here you are.
394
00:21:56,830 --> 00:21:58,998
There's people out there.
395
00:21:58,999 --> 00:22:03,999
Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead 14
points, and now they're ahead two points.
396
00:22:04,296 --> 00:22:06,463
ANY...
397
00:22:06,464 --> 00:22:10,342
What is so fascinating
about a group of pituitary cases...
398
00:22:10,343 --> 00:22:12,970
...trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
399
00:22:12,971 --> 00:22:15,472
What is fascinating is that it's physical.
400
00:22:15,473 --> 00:22:18,726
Intellectuals prove
you can be absolutely brilliant...
401
00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,894
...and have no idea what's going on.
402
00:22:20,895 --> 00:22:24,565
But, on the other hand,
the body doesn't lie...
403
00:22:24,566 --> 00:22:26,734
...as we now know.
404
00:22:26,735 --> 00:22:28,444
Stop acting out.
405
00:22:28,445 --> 00:22:33,445
It'll be great. All those PhDs are in there
discussing modes of alienation...
406
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,368
...and we'll be in here quietly humping.
407
00:22:36,369 --> 00:22:40,581
Alvy, don't.
You're using sex to express hostility.
408
00:22:40,582 --> 00:22:45,336
Why do you always reduce my animal
urges to psychoanalytic categories?
409
00:22:45,337 --> 00:22:49,089
He said, as he removed her brassiere.
410
00:22:49,090 --> 00:22:54,090
Alvy! There are people out there
from The New Yorker magazine!
411
00:22:54,262 --> 00:22:55,971
Oh, my God.
412
00:22:55,972 --> 00:22:59,224
What would they think?
413
00:22:59,225 --> 00:23:04,225
(Siren)
414
00:23:04,314 --> 00:23:05,647
Damn siren!
415
00:23:05,648 --> 00:23:06,982
OK. Don't get upset.
416
00:23:06,983 --> 00:23:09,151
Dammit! I was so close!
417
00:23:09,152 --> 00:23:13,697
Last night it was a guy honking
his car horn. The city can't close down.
418
00:23:13,698 --> 00:23:16,784
You wanna have them
shut down the airport too?
419
00:23:16,785 --> 00:23:19,036
No more flights so we can have sex?
420
00:23:19,037 --> 00:23:21,205
I'm too tense. I need a Valium.
421
00:23:21,206 --> 00:23:25,000
My analyst says I should live
in the country and not in New York.
422
00:23:25,001 --> 00:23:28,670
We can't have this discussion.
The country makes me nervous.
423
00:23:28,671 --> 00:23:32,257
You've got crickets.
There's no place to walk after dinner.
424
00:23:32,258 --> 00:23:34,927
The screens
with the dead moths behind 'em.
425
00:23:34,928 --> 00:23:38,722
You got the Manson family, possibly.
You got Dick and Terry.
426
00:23:38,723 --> 00:23:43,560
OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm
too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium?
427
00:23:43,561 --> 00:23:45,896
It's quiet now. We can start again.
428
00:23:45,897 --> 00:23:48,065
I can't. My head is throbbing.
429
00:23:48,066 --> 00:23:50,692
- You got a headache?
- I have a headache.
430
00:23:50,693 --> 00:23:51,819
Bad?
431
00:23:51,820 --> 00:23:54,071
- Like Oswald in Ghosts.
- Jesus!
432
00:23:54,072 --> 00:23:56,782
Where are you going?
433
00:23:56,783 --> 00:24:00,077
I'm going to take another
in a series of cold showers.
434
00:24:00,078 --> 00:24:02,913
Max, my serve will send you
to the showers early.
435
00:24:02,914 --> 00:24:07,376
The failure of the country to get behind
New York City is anti-Semitism.
436
00:24:07,377 --> 00:24:09,545
Max, the city is terribly run.
437
00:24:09,546 --> 00:24:13,173
I'm not discussing politics or economics.
This is foreskin.
438
00:24:13,174 --> 00:24:17,553
Every time some group disagrees
with you, it's because of anti-Semitism.
439
00:24:17,554 --> 00:24:19,930
The rest of the country sees New York...
440
00:24:19,931 --> 00:24:23,851
...as left-wing, Communist, Jewish,
homosexual pornographers.
441
00:24:23,852 --> 00:24:26,603
I think of us that way sometimes,
and I live here.
442
00:24:26,604 --> 00:24:31,191
Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day in the sun.
443
00:24:31,192 --> 00:24:35,154
Sun is bad for you. Everything
our parents said was good is bad.
444
00:24:35,155 --> 00:24:37,322
Sun, milk, red meat, college.
445
00:24:37,323 --> 00:24:38,782
I know, but I...
446
00:24:38,783 --> 00:24:40,951
Egad. Here he comes.
447
00:24:40,952 --> 00:24:42,202
OK.
448
00:24:42,203 --> 00:24:44,371
Hi!
449
00:24:44,372 --> 00:24:46,707
You know Alvy? This is Janet.
450
00:24:46,708 --> 00:24:48,876
This is Annie Hall.
451
00:24:48,877 --> 00:24:50,419
This is Alvy.
452
00:24:50,420 --> 00:24:52,379
Who's playing with who?
453
00:24:52,380 --> 00:24:54,548
You and me against them?
454
00:24:54,549 --> 00:24:59,549
- I can't play too good, you know?
- I've had four lessons.
455
00:25:06,686 --> 00:25:08,854
(laughter)
456
00:25:08,855 --> 00:25:12,399
Oh! Yeah!
457
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:14,067
Hi!
458
00:25:14,068 --> 00:25:16,528
Hi. Hi.
459
00:25:16,529 --> 00:25:20,782
Oh, hi. Hi.
460
00:25:20,783 --> 00:25:22,951
Well...
461
00:25:22,952 --> 00:25:26,914
Bye.
462
00:25:26,915 --> 00:25:29,291
You play very well.
463
00:25:29,292 --> 00:25:31,460
Oh, yeah? So do you.
464
00:25:31,461 --> 00:25:34,213
Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right?
465
00:25:34,214 --> 00:25:39,176
You say, "You play well" and then
right away I have to say, "You play well."
466
00:25:39,177 --> 00:25:40,594
Oh!
467
00:25:40,595 --> 00:25:42,679
God, Annie. Well...
468
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,681
Oh, Well.
469
00:25:44,682 --> 00:25:46,850
La-de-da. La-de-da.
470
00:25:46,851 --> 00:25:48,352
La-la. Yeah.
471
00:25:48,353 --> 00:25:50,437
You want a lift?
472
00:25:50,438 --> 00:25:52,814
Oh, Why?
473
00:25:52,815 --> 00:25:54,983
You got a car?
474
00:25:54,984 --> 00:25:57,903
Me? No. I was gonna take a cab.
475
00:25:57,904 --> 00:26:00,822
Oh, no. I have a car.
476
00:26:00,823 --> 00:26:03,408
You have a car?
477
00:26:03,409 --> 00:26:06,620
I don't understand.
If you have a car, so then...
478
00:26:06,621 --> 00:26:10,999
...why did you say, "Do you have a oar?"
like you wanted a lift?
479
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,168
I don't... I don't...
480
00:26:13,169 --> 00:26:17,047
Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't...
481
00:26:17,048 --> 00:26:19,383
It's... I've got this VW out there.
482
00:26:19,384 --> 00:26:20,676
flaughs)
483
00:26:20,677 --> 00:26:22,844
What a jerk! Yeah.
484
00:26:22,845 --> 00:26:25,389
Would you like a lift?
485
00:26:25,390 --> 00:26:27,558
Sure. Which way are you going?
486
00:26:27,559 --> 00:26:29,726
Me? Downtown.
487
00:26:29,727 --> 00:26:31,895
I'm going uptown.
488
00:26:31,896 --> 00:26:34,398
Well, you know, I'm going uptown too.
489
00:26:34,399 --> 00:26:36,984
You just said you were going downtown.
490
00:26:36,985 --> 00:26:38,277
Sorry.
491
00:26:38,278 --> 00:26:41,572
I can go uptown too.
I live uptown, but what the hell!
492
00:26:41,573 --> 00:26:44,825
It'll be nice having company.
I hate driving alone.
493
00:26:44,826 --> 00:26:48,036
(Alvy) So where do you know Janet from?
494
00:26:48,037 --> 00:26:51,081
- I'm in her acting class.
- You're an actress?
495
00:26:51,082 --> 00:26:53,250
Well, I do commercials, sort of.
496
00:26:53,251 --> 00:26:55,419
(car horn)
497
00:26:55,420 --> 00:26:59,548
- You're not from New York, right?
- Chippewa Falls.
498
00:26:59,549 --> 00:27:01,967
- Where?
- Wisconsin.
499
00:27:01,968 --> 00:27:04,136
You're driving a tad rapidly.
500
00:27:04,137 --> 00:27:07,180
Don't worry.
I'm a very good driver. I'm good.
501
00:27:07,181 --> 00:27:09,975
- You want some gum anyway?
- No. No, thanks.
502
00:27:09,976 --> 00:27:13,687
Hey, don't... No, no.
Would you watch the road? I'll get it!
503
00:27:13,688 --> 00:27:15,564
(tyres screech)
504
00:27:15,565 --> 00:27:18,066
- I'll get you a piece.
- So, you drive?
505
00:27:18,067 --> 00:27:21,194
Do I drive? No.
I've got a problem with driving.
506
00:27:21,195 --> 00:27:23,363
Oh, you do?
507
00:27:23,364 --> 00:27:27,784
I've got a license,
but I have too much hostility.
508
00:27:27,785 --> 00:27:30,495
Nice car. You keep it nice.
509
00:27:30,496 --> 00:27:32,664
Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich?
510
00:27:32,665 --> 00:27:37,665
Huh? Oh, yeah.
511
00:27:39,172 --> 00:27:44,172
I live over here. Oh, my God! Look!
There's a parking space.
512
00:27:48,097 --> 00:27:52,267
That's OK.
We can walk to the kerb from here.
513
00:27:52,268 --> 00:27:55,228
- You want your tennis stuff?
- Huh? Oh. Yeah.
514
00:27:55,229 --> 00:27:57,564
That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
515
00:27:57,565 --> 00:28:01,360
(both) Well...
516
00:28:01,361 --> 00:28:02,944
Thank you.
517
00:28:02,945 --> 00:28:05,656
You're a wonderful tennis player and...
518
00:28:05,657 --> 00:28:09,076
...you're the worst driver
I've ever seen in my life.
519
00:28:09,077 --> 00:28:12,412
Anyplace. Europe.
The United... Anyplace. Asia.
520
00:28:12,413 --> 00:28:15,749
- And I love what you're wearing.
- Oh, you do, yeah?
521
00:28:15,750 --> 00:28:19,586
Oh, well, it's a...
This tie is a present from Grammy Hall.
522
00:28:19,587 --> 00:28:21,755
Who? Grammy... Grammy Hall?
523
00:28:21,756 --> 00:28:23,090
Yeah, my grammy.
524
00:28:23,091 --> 00:28:26,134
Did you grow up
in a Norman Rockwell painting?
525
00:28:26,135 --> 00:28:29,554
- Your grammy?
- I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it?
526
00:28:29,555 --> 00:28:34,555
My grammy never gave gifts. She was
too busy getting raped by Cossacks.
527
00:28:34,644 --> 00:28:36,019
(both) Well...
528
00:28:36,020 --> 00:28:38,188
- Thank you again.
- Oh, yeah.
529
00:28:38,189 --> 00:28:42,567
Hey, you wanna come upstairs
and have a glass of wine or something?
530
00:28:42,568 --> 00:28:45,821
I mean, you don't have to.
You're probably late.
531
00:28:45,822 --> 00:28:48,865
No, no. That'd be fine.
I wouldn't mind. Sure.
532
00:28:48,866 --> 00:28:53,078
I've got time. I've got nothing...
till my analyst appointment.
533
00:28:53,079 --> 00:28:55,247
Oh, you see an analyst?
534
00:28:55,248 --> 00:28:57,749
- Yeah. Just for 15 years.
- 15 years?!
535
00:28:57,750 --> 00:29:01,795
I'm gonna give him one more year
and then I'm going to Lourdes.
536
00:29:01,796 --> 00:29:03,797
15... Nah! Come on!
537
00:29:03,798 --> 00:29:05,048
Yeah? Really?
538
00:29:05,049 --> 00:29:08,593
Sylvia Plath? Interesting poetess
whose tragic suicide...
539
00:29:08,594 --> 00:29:12,639
...was misinterpreted as romantic
by the college-girl mentality.
540
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:13,765
Oh, sorry.
541
00:29:13,766 --> 00:29:16,768
I don't know.
Some of her poems seem neat.
542
00:29:16,769 --> 00:29:19,271
Neat? I hate to tell you, this is 1975.
543
00:29:19,272 --> 00:29:22,941
"Neat" went out, I would say,
at the turn of the century.
544
00:29:22,942 --> 00:29:25,110
Who are those photos on the wall?
545
00:29:25,111 --> 00:29:28,530
Oh! Well, you see now, uh...
That's my dad.
546
00:29:28,531 --> 00:29:31,491
That's Father.
And that's my brother Duane.
547
00:29:31,492 --> 00:29:33,660
- Duane?
- Yeah, right. Duane.
548
00:29:33,661 --> 00:29:36,788
And over there is Grammy Hall.
And that's Sadie.
549
00:29:36,789 --> 00:29:39,916
- Who's Sadie?
- Oh, well, Sadie... Ha, ha.
550
00:29:39,917 --> 00:29:43,336
Sadie met Grammy
through Grammy's brother George.
551
00:29:43,337 --> 00:29:46,214
George was real sweet.
He had that thing...
552
00:29:46,215 --> 00:29:51,215
What is that thing where you fall asleep
in the middle of a sentence? What is it?
553
00:29:51,345 --> 00:29:53,764
- Narcolepsy.
- Narcolepsy! Right!
554
00:29:53,765 --> 00:29:58,560
So anyway, um... George went to
the union, you see, to get his free turkey.
555
00:29:58,561 --> 00:30:02,773
The union always gave George
this free turkey at Christmas time...
556
00:30:02,774 --> 00:30:06,234
...because he was shell-shocked
in the First World War.
557
00:30:06,235 --> 00:30:11,235
Anyway, so George is standing in line -
oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey.
558
00:30:12,116 --> 00:30:14,993
But the thing is, is that he falls asleep...
559
00:30:14,994 --> 00:30:17,162
...and he never wakes up!
560
00:30:17,163 --> 00:30:19,873
So... so he's dead!
561
00:30:19,874 --> 00:30:22,834
He's dead. Yeah.
562
00:30:22,835 --> 00:30:24,252
Oh, dear.
563
00:30:24,253 --> 00:30:28,924
Well... Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say?
I mean, that's pretty awful.
564
00:30:28,925 --> 00:30:32,177
It's a great story, though.
It really made my day.
565
00:30:32,178 --> 00:30:35,847
I think I should get outta here
cos I think I'm imposing.
566
00:30:35,848 --> 00:30:37,808
Really? Well, maybe, um...
567
00:30:37,809 --> 00:30:38,934
You know, I...
568
00:30:38,935 --> 00:30:43,230
- You don't have to, you know.
- I'm all perspired and everything.
569
00:30:43,231 --> 00:30:45,565
Didn't you take a shower at the club?
570
00:30:45,566 --> 00:30:48,443
Me? No. Cos I never shower
in a public place.
571
00:30:48,444 --> 00:30:49,861
Why not?
572
00:30:49,862 --> 00:30:53,657
Cos I don't like to get naked
in front of another man.
573
00:30:53,658 --> 00:30:55,826
Oh, I see. I see.
574
00:30:55,827 --> 00:30:59,162
I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender.
575
00:30:59,163 --> 00:31:01,748
You never know what's gonna happen.
576
00:31:01,749 --> 00:31:05,836
- 15 years, huh?
- 15 years, yeah. That's...
577
00:31:05,837 --> 00:31:10,837
God bless.
578
00:31:11,676 --> 00:31:15,345
Well... well...
579
00:31:15,346 --> 00:31:20,346
You're what Grammy Hall
would call "a real Jew".
580
00:31:20,768 --> 00:31:22,727
Thank you.
581
00:31:22,728 --> 00:31:27,023
Yeah, well, she hates Jews.
She thinks that they just make money.
582
00:31:27,024 --> 00:31:32,024
But she's the one.
Is she ever! I'm tellin' you.
583
00:31:34,574 --> 00:31:38,743
So did you do those photographs
in there or what?
584
00:31:38,744 --> 00:31:42,831
Yeah. I sort of dabble around,
you know. (thinks) I dabble?
585
00:31:42,832 --> 00:31:47,210
They're wonderful, you know.
They have a... a quality.
586
00:31:47,211 --> 00:31:51,423
Well, I would like to take
a serious photography course.
587
00:31:51,424 --> 00:31:54,676
Photography's interesting
cos it's a new art form...
588
00:31:54,677 --> 00:31:57,846
...and a set of aesthetic criteria
have not emerged yet.
589
00:31:57,847 --> 00:31:59,014
Aesthetic criteria?
590
00:31:59,015 --> 00:32:01,725
You mean whether it's
a good photo or not?
591
00:32:01,726 --> 00:32:06,726
The medium enters in as a
condition of the art form itself.
592
00:32:06,814 --> 00:32:11,234
Well... to me... I mean,
it's... it's... it's all instinctive.
593
00:32:11,235 --> 00:32:13,737
I just try to feel it.
594
00:32:13,738 --> 00:32:16,823
I try to get a sense of it
and not think about it so much.
595
00:32:16,824 --> 00:32:21,824
Still, you need a set of aesthetic
guidelines to put it in social perspective.
596
00:32:22,455 --> 00:32:24,664
Well, I don't know.
597
00:32:24,665 --> 00:32:27,083
I guess you must be sort of late, huh?
598
00:32:27,084 --> 00:32:32,047
You know, I gotta get there
and begin whining soon. Otherwise I...
599
00:32:32,048 --> 00:32:35,008
- Hey, are you busy Friday night?
- Me?
600
00:32:35,009 --> 00:32:37,177
Oh, uh, no.
601
00:32:37,178 --> 00:32:39,346
Oh, I'm sorry! I have something.
602
00:32:39,347 --> 00:32:42,599
What about Saturday night?
603
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,768
Nothing. No, no.
604
00:32:44,769 --> 00:32:47,771
You're very popular, I can see.
605
00:32:47,772 --> 00:32:49,940
- I know.
- Do you have plague?
606
00:32:49,941 --> 00:32:52,192
Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks.
607
00:32:52,193 --> 00:32:55,070
I meet a lot of jerks too.
I think that's a...
608
00:32:55,071 --> 00:32:57,864
But I'm thinking about getting some cats.
609
00:32:57,865 --> 00:33:00,158
Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no!
610
00:33:00,159 --> 00:33:03,745
Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna...
611
00:33:03,746 --> 00:33:05,914
I'm gonna sing. Yeah.
612
00:33:05,915 --> 00:33:08,792
You're gonna sing?
Do you sing? No kidding?
613
00:33:08,793 --> 00:33:12,545
- This is my first time.
- Really? Where? I'd like to come.
614
00:33:12,546 --> 00:33:15,256
- Oh, no. No, no, no, no!
- I'm interested.
615
00:33:15,257 --> 00:33:18,760
I'm just... I'm auditioning
at this club. I don't...
616
00:33:18,761 --> 00:33:22,889
- It's my first time.
- It's OK. I know exactly what that's like.
617
00:33:22,890 --> 00:33:26,810
You're gonna like nightclubs.
They're really a lot of fun.
618
00:33:26,811 --> 00:33:31,811
(Piano)
619
00:33:31,857 --> 00:33:34,484
♪ It had to be you
620
00:33:34,485 --> 00:33:37,487
(microphone feedback)
621
00:33:37,488 --> 00:33:42,488
♪ It had to be you
622
00:33:44,453 --> 00:33:45,829
(glasses smash)
623
00:33:45,830 --> 00:33:48,164
♪ I wandered around
624
00:33:48,165 --> 00:33:50,625
I And finally found
625
00:33:50,626 --> 00:33:55,626
♪ The somebody who
626
00:33:55,798 --> 00:33:58,216
(arguing)
627
00:33:58,217 --> 00:34:03,217
♪ Could make me be true
628
00:34:03,848 --> 00:34:08,848
♪ Could make me be blue
629
00:34:09,311 --> 00:34:11,104
(talking)
630
00:34:11,105 --> 00:34:14,733
- ♪ And even be glad
- (phone rings)
631
00:34:14,734 --> 00:34:17,068
♪ Just to be sad
632
00:34:17,069 --> 00:34:22,069
- (ringing continues)
- ♪ Thinking of you
633
00:34:24,326 --> 00:34:26,911
I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing!
634
00:34:26,912 --> 00:34:29,205
So the audience was a tad restless.
635
00:34:29,206 --> 00:34:32,250
What do you mean, a tad restless?
They hated me!
636
00:34:32,251 --> 00:34:34,919
They didn't! You have a wonderful voice!
637
00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:38,506
- I'm gonna quit.
- I won't let you. You have a great voice.
638
00:34:38,507 --> 00:34:42,093
- Really? Do you think so? Really?
- Yeah. It's terrific.
639
00:34:42,094 --> 00:34:44,387
I never even took a lesson, either.
640
00:34:44,388 --> 00:34:46,556
Hey, listen. Give me a kiss.
641
00:34:46,557 --> 00:34:49,893
- Really?
- Because we're just gonna go home later.
642
00:34:49,894 --> 00:34:54,894
There's gonna be all that tension and I
won't know when to make the right move.
643
00:34:54,982 --> 00:34:58,651
So we'll kiss now,
we'll get it over with and then go eat.
644
00:34:58,652 --> 00:35:02,447
- We'll digest our food better.
- OK.
645
00:35:02,448 --> 00:35:05,867
OK? So now we can digest our food.
646
00:35:05,868 --> 00:35:08,369
I'm gonna have the corned beef, please.
647
00:35:08,370 --> 00:35:11,414
Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami
on white bread...
648
00:35:11,415 --> 00:35:16,415
...with mayonnaise
and tomatoes and lettuce.
649
00:35:17,046 --> 00:35:22,046
So, um... your second wife left you.
And were you depressed about that?
650
00:35:22,301 --> 00:35:26,513
Nothing that a few megavitamins
couldn't cure.
651
00:35:26,514 --> 00:35:28,681
And your first wife? Allison?
652
00:35:28,682 --> 00:35:33,394
She was nice, but... That was my fault.
I was just... I was too crazy.
653
00:35:33,395 --> 00:35:36,523
(Annie) Mm... Mm...
654
00:35:36,524 --> 00:35:38,691
That was so nice.
655
00:35:38,692 --> 00:35:40,860
That was nice.
656
00:35:40,861 --> 00:35:45,824
As Balzac said,
"There goes another novel."
657
00:35:45,825 --> 00:35:47,992
- You were great.
- Oh.
658
00:35:47,993 --> 00:35:50,161
Yeah? Yeah?
659
00:35:50,162 --> 00:35:53,373
Yeah. I'm wrecked.
660
00:35:53,374 --> 00:35:55,542
- You're wrecked!
- I mean it.
661
00:35:55,543 --> 00:35:58,795
I will never play the piano again.
662
00:35:58,796 --> 00:36:02,382
It was... I don't know.
You really thought it was good?
663
00:36:02,383 --> 00:36:04,551
Good? Yes.
664
00:36:04,552 --> 00:36:08,054
That was the most fun I've ever had
without laughing.
665
00:36:08,055 --> 00:36:10,223
Here. You want some?
666
00:36:10,224 --> 00:36:15,019
No. I... I don't... use
any major hallucinogenics because I...
667
00:36:15,020 --> 00:36:18,439
...took a puff
about five years ago at a party and...
668
00:36:18,440 --> 00:36:19,732
Yeah?
669
00:36:19,733 --> 00:36:22,318
Tried to take my pants off over my head.
670
00:36:22,319 --> 00:36:25,071
- (snorts and giggles)
- Got in one ear.
671
00:36:25,072 --> 00:36:28,283
Well, I don't really...
I don't do it very often.
672
00:36:28,284 --> 00:36:32,745
It just sort of relaxes me.
673
00:36:32,746 --> 00:36:37,746
- You're not gonna believe this, but...
- What? What?
674
00:36:39,086 --> 00:36:43,298
I'm gonna buy you these books
because I think you should read them.
675
00:36:43,299 --> 00:36:47,385
- Instead of that cat book.
- That's pretty serious stuff there.
676
00:36:47,386 --> 00:36:51,472
Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death,
I think. Big subject with me.
677
00:36:51,473 --> 00:36:53,892
I have a very pessimistic view of life.
678
00:36:53,893 --> 00:36:56,519
You should know this
if we're gonna go out.
679
00:36:56,520 --> 00:37:00,690
I feel that life is divided up
into the horrible and the miserable.
680
00:37:00,691 --> 00:37:05,361
Those are the two categories.
The horrible would be like terminal cases.
681
00:37:05,362 --> 00:37:09,824
And blind people. And cripples.
I don't know how they get through life.
682
00:37:09,825 --> 00:37:12,160
And the miserable is everyone else.
683
00:37:12,161 --> 00:37:15,371
So you should be thankful
that you're miserable.
684
00:37:15,372 --> 00:37:18,833
You're very lucky to be miserable.
685
00:37:18,834 --> 00:37:21,002
(NW) Look at that guy.
686
00:37:21,003 --> 00:37:23,254
In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there.
687
00:37:23,255 --> 00:37:26,841
He's just come back
from the gin rummy finals.
688
00:37:26,842 --> 00:37:28,801
Placed third.
689
00:37:28,802 --> 00:37:33,802
Look at these guys. They're back from
Fire Island. They're giving it a chance.
690
00:37:33,849 --> 00:37:37,352
- (Annie) Italian, right?
- Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia.
691
00:37:37,353 --> 00:37:41,231
Linen supply business
or cement and contracting, I think.
692
00:37:41,232 --> 00:37:43,733
"Oh, gee!
Must have my moustache waxed."
693
00:37:43,734 --> 00:37:47,820
There's the winner
of the Truman Capote lookalike contest.
694
00:37:47,821 --> 00:37:50,615
(Alvy) You are extremely sexy.
Unbelievably sexy.
695
00:37:50,616 --> 00:37:52,784
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
696
00:37:52,785 --> 00:37:56,454
You know what you are?
You're polymorphously perverse.
697
00:37:56,455 --> 00:37:59,415
What does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
698
00:37:59,416 --> 00:38:03,002
You're exceptional in bed
because you get pleasure...
699
00:38:03,003 --> 00:38:07,423
...in every part of your body when
I touch you. Like the tip of your nose.
700
00:38:07,424 --> 00:38:11,678
If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps,
you suddenly get excited.
701
00:38:11,679 --> 00:38:13,846
You know what? I like you.
702
00:38:13,847 --> 00:38:16,015
I really do like you.
703
00:38:16,016 --> 00:38:18,643
Do you love me? That's the key question.
704
00:38:18,644 --> 00:38:21,354
I know you've only known me
a short while.
705
00:38:21,355 --> 00:38:24,816
I think that's sort of...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
706
00:38:24,817 --> 00:38:26,985
Do you love me?
707
00:38:26,986 --> 00:38:30,863
Love is... too weak a word for...
the way I feel.
708
00:38:30,864 --> 00:38:33,533
I lurve you. You know, I loave you.
709
00:38:33,534 --> 00:38:36,661
I luff you. With two Fs.
Yes, I have to invent...
710
00:38:36,662 --> 00:38:38,997
Of course I do. Don't you think I do?
711
00:38:38,998 --> 00:38:43,334
I don't know.
712
00:38:43,335 --> 00:38:46,045
You're not gonna give up
your apartment, are you?
713
00:38:46,046 --> 00:38:47,171
Of course.
714
00:38:47,172 --> 00:38:49,340
- But why?
- I'm moving in with you.
715
00:38:49,341 --> 00:38:53,094
- But you've got a nice apartment.
- I have a tiny apartment.
716
00:38:53,095 --> 00:38:56,597
- I know it's small.
- And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
717
00:38:56,598 --> 00:39:01,519
Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs.
You say that like it's a negative thing.
718
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:05,565
You know, bugs are...
Entomology is a rapidly growing field.
719
00:39:05,566 --> 00:39:09,861
- You don't want me to live with you.
- I don't want you to live with me?
720
00:39:09,862 --> 00:39:12,030
- Whose idea was it?
- Mine.
721
00:39:12,031 --> 00:39:15,616
It was yours, actually.
But I approved it immediately.
722
00:39:15,617 --> 00:39:18,828
I guess you think
I talked you into something, huh?
723
00:39:18,829 --> 00:39:22,373
No! We live together,
we sleep together, we eat together.
724
00:39:22,374 --> 00:39:25,835
Jesus! You don't want it to be
like we're married, do you?
725
00:39:25,836 --> 00:39:29,505
- How is it any different?
- Cos you keep your own apartment.
726
00:39:29,506 --> 00:39:32,842
We don't have to go to it.
We don't have to deal with it.
727
00:39:32,843 --> 00:39:37,430
It's like a free-floating life raft.
That we know that we're not married.
728
00:39:37,431 --> 00:39:40,224
That little apartment
is $400 a month, Alvy.
729
00:39:40,225 --> 00:39:42,852
- That place is $400 a month?
- Yes, it is.
730
00:39:42,853 --> 00:39:45,021
It's got bad plumbing and bugs.
731
00:39:45,022 --> 00:39:50,022
Jesus! My accountant will write it off
as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it.
732
00:39:50,652 --> 00:39:55,114
- You don't think I'm smart enough.
- Hey, don't be ridiculous.
733
00:39:55,115 --> 00:39:59,369
Then why are you always pushing me
to take college courses like I was dumb?
734
00:39:59,370 --> 00:40:01,662
Adult education's a wonderful thing.
735
00:40:01,663 --> 00:40:06,663
You meet interesting professors.
It's stimulating.
736
00:40:17,554 --> 00:40:19,889
Does this sound like a good course?
737
00:40:19,890 --> 00:40:22,600
"Modern American Poetry"?
738
00:40:22,601 --> 00:40:25,895
Or let's see now. Maybe I should take...
739
00:40:25,896 --> 00:40:28,064
..."introduction to the Novel".
740
00:40:28,065 --> 00:40:32,026
Just don't take any course
where they make you read Beowulf.
741
00:40:32,027 --> 00:40:33,736
What?
742
00:40:33,737 --> 00:40:38,658
Hey, what do you think? You think we
should go to that party in Southampton?
743
00:40:38,659 --> 00:40:41,869
Don't be silly.
What do we need other people for?
744
00:40:41,870 --> 00:40:46,624
We should just turn out the lights
and play hide the salami or something.
745
00:40:46,625 --> 00:40:49,585
Well, listen,
I'm gonna get a cigarette, OK?
746
00:40:49,586 --> 00:40:54,586
Grass, right? The illusion that it will make
a white woman more like Billie Holiday.
747
00:40:55,008 --> 00:40:57,969
- Well, have you ever made love high?
- Me? No.
748
00:40:57,970 --> 00:41:02,432
If I have grass or alcohol or anything,
I get unbearably wonderful.
749
00:41:02,433 --> 00:41:04,600
I get too wonderful for words.
750
00:41:04,601 --> 00:41:08,312
I don't know why you have to get high
every time we make love.
751
00:41:08,313 --> 00:41:12,233
- Well, it relaxes me.
- You have to be artificially relaxed...
752
00:41:12,234 --> 00:41:15,486
- ..before we can go to bed?
- What's the difference?
753
00:41:15,487 --> 00:41:19,157
Take a shot of Sodium Pentothal.
You can sleep through it.
754
00:41:19,158 --> 00:41:22,243
You've been seeing a psychiatrist
for 15 years.
755
00:41:22,244 --> 00:41:25,538
You should smoke this.
You'd be off the couch in no time.
756
00:41:25,539 --> 00:41:28,541
- Come on. You don't need that.
- What are you doing?
757
00:41:28,542 --> 00:41:33,542
- No, Alvy. Please.
- You can live without it once.
758
00:41:33,755 --> 00:41:36,799
Wait. I got a great idea.
759
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:40,136
Hang in there for a second.
I got a little artifact.
760
00:41:40,137 --> 00:41:44,015
A little erotic artifact
that I brought up from the city...
761
00:41:44,016 --> 00:41:46,434
...which I think is gonna be perfect.
762
00:41:46,435 --> 00:41:49,854
There. Create a little
old New Orleans essence.
763
00:41:49,855 --> 00:41:52,482
Now we can go about our business here...
764
00:41:52,483 --> 00:41:57,483
...and even develop photographs
if we want to.
765
00:42:03,202 --> 00:42:05,912
- Hey, is something wrong?
- No. Why?
766
00:42:05,913 --> 00:42:08,664
I don't know. It's like you're removed.
767
00:42:08,665 --> 00:42:10,833
No, I'm fine.
768
00:42:10,834 --> 00:42:13,085
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
769
00:42:13,086 --> 00:42:16,047
I don't know. You seem sorta distant.
770
00:42:16,048 --> 00:42:18,216
Let's just do it, all right?
771
00:42:18,217 --> 00:42:21,761
Is it my imagination or are you just
going through the motions?
772
00:42:21,762 --> 00:42:24,138
Do you remember
where I put my drawing pad?
773
00:42:24,139 --> 00:42:27,642
While you two are doing that,
I think I'm gonna do some drawing.
774
00:42:27,643 --> 00:42:30,895
- That's what I call removed.
- Oh, you have my body.
775
00:42:30,896 --> 00:42:33,523
Yeah, but I want the whole thing.
776
00:42:33,524 --> 00:42:35,900
Well, I need grass.
777
00:42:35,901 --> 00:42:38,528
Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass.
778
00:42:38,529 --> 00:42:42,198
I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh
from a person who's high...
779
00:42:42,199 --> 00:42:45,409
...it doesn't count,
cos they're always laughing.
780
00:42:45,410 --> 00:42:48,746
- Were you always funny?
- What is this? An interview?
781
00:42:48,747 --> 00:42:50,998
We're supposed to be making love.
782
00:42:50,999 --> 00:42:54,377
This guy is naturally funny.
I think he can write for you.
783
00:42:54,378 --> 00:42:57,588
Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid,
he tells me you're really good.
784
00:42:57,589 --> 00:42:59,757
Let me explain how I work.
785
00:42:59,758 --> 00:43:03,302
I don't look like a funny guy
like some of the guys that come out.
786
00:43:03,303 --> 00:43:05,471
You know you're gonna fall down.
787
00:43:05,472 --> 00:43:10,309
But material's gotta be sensational for me.
I work with very... I'm kinda classy.
788
00:43:10,310 --> 00:43:13,813
Let me explain. For instance,
I open with an opening song.
789
00:43:13,814 --> 00:43:17,233
Musical style like -
♪ Bam da dam da da da - and I walk out...
790
00:43:17,234 --> 00:43:19,402
♪ Place looks wonderful from here
791
00:43:19,403 --> 00:43:21,779
♪ And you folks look
wonderful from here
792
00:43:21,780 --> 00:43:24,490
♪ And seeing you there
with a smile on your face
793
00:43:24,491 --> 00:43:26,826
♪ Makes me shout
"This must be the place"
794
00:43:26,827 --> 00:43:29,870
Then I open with some jokes.
That's where I need you.
795
00:43:29,871 --> 00:43:33,666
"I just got back from Canada.
They speak a lot of French up there."
796
00:43:33,667 --> 00:43:38,337
"The word to remember is Jeanne d'Arc.
It means the light's out in the bathroom."
797
00:43:38,338 --> 00:43:40,506
"I met a big lumberjack..."
798
00:43:40,507 --> 00:43:42,717
Jesus! This guy's pathetic.
799
00:43:42,718 --> 00:43:44,885
Look at him mincing around.
800
00:43:44,886 --> 00:43:48,639
He thinks he's real cute.
You wanna throw up.
801
00:43:48,640 --> 00:43:51,892
If only I had the nerve
to do my own jokes.
802
00:43:51,893 --> 00:43:56,522
I don't know how much longer
I can keep this smile frozen on my face.
803
00:43:56,523 --> 00:43:58,941
I'm in the wrong business. I know it.
804
00:43:58,942 --> 00:44:02,695
(woman with French accent)
"But... um... chéri...
805
00:44:02,696 --> 00:44:05,114
...What Will I do With this?"
806
00:44:05,115 --> 00:44:09,410
(man with French accent) "Oh, Marie!
Sometime you make me so mad!"
807
00:44:09,411 --> 00:44:14,411
They scream at that! Write me something
like that. A French number. Can you do it?
808
00:44:20,756 --> 00:44:23,257
Where am I? I have to reorient myself.
809
00:44:23,258 --> 00:44:27,887
This is the University of Wisconsin, right?
Cos I'm always... tense...
810
00:44:27,888 --> 00:44:32,350
I have a very bad history with colleges.
I went to New York University.
811
00:44:32,351 --> 00:44:35,770
And I was thrown out of NYU
in my freshman year...
812
00:44:35,771 --> 00:44:38,481
...for cheating on my metaphysics final.
813
00:44:38,482 --> 00:44:41,984
I looked within the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.
814
00:44:41,985 --> 00:44:44,153
(laughter)
815
00:44:44,154 --> 00:44:47,490
My mother,
an emotionally high-strung woman...
816
00:44:47,491 --> 00:44:52,411
...locked herself in the bathroom
and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles.
817
00:44:52,412 --> 00:44:54,580
(laughter)
818
00:44:54,581 --> 00:44:57,917
I was depressed at that time.
I was in analysis.
819
00:44:57,918 --> 00:45:02,046
I was suicidal, as a matter of fact,
and would have killed myself.
820
00:45:02,047 --> 00:45:04,924
But I was in analysis
with a strict Freudian.
821
00:45:04,925 --> 00:45:09,053
If you kill yourself, they make you pay
for the sessions you miss.
822
00:45:09,054 --> 00:45:12,765
(laughter)
823
00:45:12,766 --> 00:45:16,268
Alvy, you were just great.
I'm not kidding. It was...
824
00:45:16,269 --> 00:45:19,939
- You were so funny.
- College audiences are wonderful.
825
00:45:19,940 --> 00:45:23,275
And I'm starting to get
more of the references too.
826
00:45:23,276 --> 00:45:27,238
Are you? Well, the 12 o'clock show's
completely different.
827
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:31,992
I'm really looking forward to tomorrow.
You'll meet Mother and Father.
828
00:45:31,993 --> 00:45:35,162
- They'll hate me immediately.
- I don't think so.
829
00:45:35,163 --> 00:45:40,163
I don't think they're gonna hate you at all.
It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner.
830
00:45:40,377 --> 00:45:45,377
I think they're gonna really like you.
831
00:45:51,638 --> 00:45:54,807
It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
832
00:45:54,808 --> 00:45:55,975
Oh, yeah.
833
00:45:55,976 --> 00:45:58,978
Grammy always does such a good job.
834
00:45:58,979 --> 00:46:00,896
A great sauce!
835
00:46:00,897 --> 00:46:05,897
It is. It's dynamite ham.
836
00:46:08,905 --> 00:46:11,073
We went over to the swap meet.
837
00:46:11,074 --> 00:46:15,035
Annie, Gram and I.
We got some nice picture frames.
838
00:46:15,036 --> 00:46:17,788
(Annie) We really had a good time.
839
00:46:17,789 --> 00:46:22,789
Ann tells us that you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.
840
00:46:23,003 --> 00:46:25,212
Yes. I'm making excellent progress.
841
00:46:25,213 --> 00:46:30,213
Pretty soon when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
842
00:46:31,136 --> 00:46:35,514
- Duane and I went out to the boat basin.
- We were caulking holes all day.
843
00:46:35,515 --> 00:46:38,768
And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual.
844
00:46:38,769 --> 00:46:42,271
That Randolph Hunt.
You remember Randy Hunt, Annie.
845
00:46:42,272 --> 00:46:45,816
- He was in the choir with you.
- Oh, yes.
846
00:46:45,817 --> 00:46:48,402
I can't believe this family.
847
00:46:48,403 --> 00:46:51,197
Annie's mother is really beautiful.
848
00:46:51,198 --> 00:46:54,408
And they're talking swap meets
and boat basins.
849
00:46:54,409 --> 00:46:59,371
And the old lady at the end
of the table is a classic Jew-hater.
850
00:46:59,372 --> 00:47:04,372
They really look American. Very healthy.
Like they never get sick or anything.
851
00:47:04,586 --> 00:47:08,214
Nothing like my family.
The two are like oil and water.
852
00:47:08,215 --> 00:47:11,550
Let him drop dead.
Who needs his business?
853
00:47:11,551 --> 00:47:14,094
- His wife has diabetes.
- Diabetes?
854
00:47:14,095 --> 00:47:16,806
Is that an excuse? Diabetes?
855
00:47:16,807 --> 00:47:21,101
The man is 50 years old
and doesn't have a substantial job.
856
00:47:21,102 --> 00:47:25,648
- Is that a reason to steal from his father?
- What are you talking about?
857
00:47:25,649 --> 00:47:27,817
Sure! Defend him!
858
00:47:27,818 --> 00:47:29,985
Pass the wurst there.
859
00:47:29,986 --> 00:47:32,738
Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary.
860
00:47:32,739 --> 00:47:34,949
You don't say!
861
00:47:34,950 --> 00:47:38,202
How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Mrs Singer?
862
00:47:38,203 --> 00:47:40,371
- We fast.
- (Mr Hall) Fast?
863
00:47:40,372 --> 00:47:43,290
No food. To atone for our sins.
864
00:47:43,291 --> 00:47:45,459
What sins? I don't understand.
865
00:47:45,460 --> 00:47:47,878
To tell you the truth, neither do we.
866
00:47:47,879 --> 00:47:50,047
(Duane) Alvy.
867
00:47:50,048 --> 00:47:52,216
Hi, Duane. How's it goin'?
868
00:47:52,217 --> 00:47:54,385
This is my room.
869
00:47:54,386 --> 00:47:56,846
Oh, yeah? It's terrific.
870
00:47:56,847 --> 00:48:01,847
Can I confess something?
871
00:48:04,062 --> 00:48:09,062
I tell you this because,
as an artist, I think you'll understand.
872
00:48:10,235 --> 00:48:13,195
Sometimes when I'm driving...
873
00:48:13,196 --> 00:48:17,533
...on the road at night, I see
two headlights coming toward me.
874
00:48:17,534 --> 00:48:21,745
Fast. I have this sudden impulse
to turn the wheel quickly...
875
00:48:21,746 --> 00:48:24,748
...head-on into the oncoming car.
876
00:48:24,749 --> 00:48:27,918
I can anticipate the explosion.
877
00:48:27,919 --> 00:48:31,380
The sound of shattering glass. The...
878
00:48:31,381 --> 00:48:36,381
...flames rising out of the flowing gasoline.
879
00:48:38,346 --> 00:48:41,181
Right. Well...
880
00:48:41,182 --> 00:48:43,726
I have to go now, Duane, because I...
881
00:48:43,727 --> 00:48:47,229
...I'm due back on the planet Earth.
882
00:48:47,230 --> 00:48:50,065
- Don't let it be so long.
- Look up Uncle Billy.
883
00:48:50,066 --> 00:48:52,234
- He is adorable.
- Do you think so?
884
00:48:52,235 --> 00:48:56,989
- You're taking them to the airport?
- Duane can. I haven't finished my drink.
885
00:48:56,990 --> 00:49:01,990
Yes, Duane is.
Just a second. I have to get...
886
00:49:18,553 --> 00:49:20,888
- You followed me.
- I didn't follow you.
887
00:49:20,889 --> 00:49:22,264
You followed me!
888
00:49:22,265 --> 00:49:25,809
I was walking behind staring at you.
That's not following.
889
00:49:25,810 --> 00:49:29,104
- What is your definition of following?
- I was spying.
890
00:49:29,105 --> 00:49:33,442
- Do you realise how paranoid you are?
- You've got your arms around a guy.
891
00:49:33,443 --> 00:49:35,736
That is the worst kind of paranoid.
892
00:49:35,737 --> 00:49:39,657
I didn't start out spying.
I thought I'd pick you up after school.
893
00:49:39,658 --> 00:49:43,160
You wanted to keep
the relationship flexible, remember?
894
00:49:43,161 --> 00:49:45,955
You're having an affair
with your professor.
895
00:49:45,956 --> 00:49:50,668
That jerk that teaches that crap course -
Contemporary Crisis in Western Man?
896
00:49:50,669 --> 00:49:53,462
Existential Motifs in Russian Literature!
897
00:49:53,463 --> 00:49:55,631
It's all mental masturbation.
898
00:49:55,632 --> 00:49:58,133
We finally get to a subject
you know about.
899
00:49:58,134 --> 00:50:01,428
Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love.
900
00:50:01,429 --> 00:50:05,766
We're not having an affair. He's married.
He just happens to think I'm neat.
901
00:50:05,767 --> 00:50:07,935
Neat. Are you 12 years old?
902
00:50:07,936 --> 00:50:11,021
- That's a Chippewa Falls expression.
- Who cares?!
903
00:50:11,022 --> 00:50:15,150
Next he'll find you keen and peachy.
Then he's got his hand on your ass.
904
00:50:15,151 --> 00:50:17,820
You've always had hostility
towards David.
905
00:50:17,821 --> 00:50:20,572
- You call your teacher David?
- It's his name.
906
00:50:20,573 --> 00:50:24,284
It's a biblical name, right?
What does he call you? Bathsheba?
907
00:50:24,285 --> 00:50:28,414
Alvy. Alvy, you're the one who never
wanted to make a real commitment.
908
00:50:28,415 --> 00:50:30,666
You don't think I'm smart enough.
909
00:50:30,667 --> 00:50:35,587
We had that argument just last month.
Or don't you remember?
910
00:50:35,588 --> 00:50:37,840
- I'm home!
- Oh, yeah? How did it go?
911
00:50:37,841 --> 00:50:41,093
Oh, it was really weird,
but she's a very nice woman.
912
00:50:41,094 --> 00:50:44,805
I didn't have to lie down on the couch.
She had me sitting up.
913
00:50:44,806 --> 00:50:48,434
I told her about the family
and my feelings towards men...
914
00:50:48,435 --> 00:50:50,978
...and my relationship with my brother.
915
00:50:50,979 --> 00:50:54,106
She mentioned penis envy.
Do you know about that?
916
00:50:54,107 --> 00:50:58,402
I'm one of the few males who suffers
from that. Go on. I'm interested.
917
00:50:58,403 --> 00:51:03,157
She said I was very guilty about my
impulses towards marriage and children.
918
00:51:03,158 --> 00:51:07,911
Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I
accidentally saw my parents making love.
919
00:51:07,912 --> 00:51:10,164
All this happened the first hour?
920
00:51:10,165 --> 00:51:14,001
I've been going for 15 years.
I don't have... nothing like that.
921
00:51:14,002 --> 00:51:16,253
I told her my dream and then I cried.
922
00:51:16,254 --> 00:51:19,798
You cried? I have never once cried.
That's fantastic.
923
00:51:19,799 --> 00:51:21,967
I whine. I sit and I whine.
924
00:51:21,968 --> 00:51:26,968
In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this
pillow across my face and I can't breathe.
925
00:51:27,348 --> 00:51:29,600
- Sinatra?
- Yeah. Strangling me.
926
00:51:29,601 --> 00:51:32,686
Sure. Because he's a singer
and you're a singer.
927
00:51:32,687 --> 00:51:36,231
It's perfect.
So you're trying to suffocate yourself.
928
00:51:36,232 --> 00:51:38,901
It's a perfect analytic kind of insight.
929
00:51:38,902 --> 00:51:42,362
She said your name was Alvy Singer.
930
00:51:42,363 --> 00:51:44,573
- What do you mean? Me?
- Yeah, you.
931
00:51:44,574 --> 00:51:47,618
Because in the dream
I break Sinatra's glasses.
932
00:51:47,619 --> 00:51:52,619
You never said Sinatra had glasses. What
are you saying? That I'm suffocating you?
933
00:51:52,791 --> 00:51:56,001
God, Alvy. I did this
really terrible thing to him.
934
00:51:56,002 --> 00:52:00,130
Because then, when he sang,
it was in this real high-pitched voice.
935
00:52:00,131 --> 00:52:02,299
What did the doctor say?
936
00:52:02,300 --> 00:52:04,885
I should probably come five times a week.
937
00:52:04,886 --> 00:52:09,886
I don't think I mind analysis at all. The
only question is, will it change my wife?
938
00:52:09,891 --> 00:52:12,059
- Will it change your wife?
- My life.
939
00:52:12,060 --> 00:52:16,105
- You said, "Will it change my wife?"
- I said, "Will it change my life?"
940
00:52:16,106 --> 00:52:18,273
- You said wife.
- Life! I said life.
941
00:52:18,274 --> 00:52:22,277
She said, "Will it change my wife?"
You heard that, so I'm not crazy.
942
00:52:22,278 --> 00:52:25,697
I told her I didn't think
you'd ever take me seriously...
943
00:52:25,698 --> 00:52:28,325
...because you don't think
I'm smart enough.
944
00:52:28,326 --> 00:52:30,494
Why do you always bring that up?
945
00:52:30,495 --> 00:52:33,914
Because I encourage you
to take adult education courses?
946
00:52:33,915 --> 00:52:36,792
You meet wonderful,
interesting professors.
947
00:52:36,793 --> 00:52:40,337
Adult education is such junk.
The professors are so phoney.
948
00:52:40,338 --> 00:52:43,757
I don't care what you say about David.
He's a fine teacher.
949
00:52:43,758 --> 00:52:46,009
And why are you following me around?
950
00:52:46,010 --> 00:52:49,096
- I was following you and David.
- Let's call it quits.
951
00:52:49,097 --> 00:52:52,516
That's fine. That's great.
I don't know what I did wrong.
952
00:52:52,517 --> 00:52:55,352
She cooled off to me.
Is it something that I did?
953
00:52:55,353 --> 00:52:59,148
It's never something you do.
That's how people are. Love fades.
954
00:52:59,149 --> 00:53:01,984
Love fades? God!
That's a depressing thought.
955
00:53:01,985 --> 00:53:05,487
I have to ask you a question.
With your wife in bed...
956
00:53:05,488 --> 00:53:10,242
...does she need some kind of
artificial stimulation? Like marijuana?
957
00:53:10,243 --> 00:53:12,411
We use a large vibrating egg.
958
00:53:12,412 --> 00:53:14,580
A large vibrating egg?
959
00:53:14,581 --> 00:53:18,458
Well, I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of an answer. Jesus!
960
00:53:18,459 --> 00:53:21,086
Here. You look like a very happy couple.
961
00:53:21,087 --> 00:53:23,338
- Are you?
- Yeah.
962
00:53:23,339 --> 00:53:25,799
So how do you account for it?
963
00:53:25,800 --> 00:53:28,510
Uh... I'm very shallow and empty...
964
00:53:28,511 --> 00:53:32,973
...and I have no ideas
and nothing interesting to say.
965
00:53:32,974 --> 00:53:37,561
- And I'm exactly the same way.
- I see. Well, that's very interesting.
966
00:53:37,562 --> 00:53:40,606
So you've managed
to work out something, huh?
967
00:53:40,607 --> 00:53:43,317
Well, thanks very much for talking to me.
968
00:53:43,318 --> 00:53:47,905
Even as a kid, I always went for the
wrong women. I think that's my problem.
969
00:53:47,906 --> 00:53:52,409
My mother took me to see Snow White.
Everyone fell in love with Snow White.
970
00:53:52,410 --> 00:53:55,037
I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen.
971
00:53:55,038 --> 00:53:58,123
- We never have any fun any more.
- How can you say that?
972
00:53:58,124 --> 00:54:00,959
You're always leaning on me
to improve myself.
973
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,420
You must be getting your period.
974
00:54:03,421 --> 00:54:06,089
I don't get a period!
I'm a cartoon character.
975
00:54:06,090 --> 00:54:08,258
Can't I be upset once in a while?
976
00:54:08,259 --> 00:54:11,762
Max, forget about Annie.
I know lots of women you can date.
977
00:54:11,763 --> 00:54:14,264
I don't wanna go out
with any other women.
978
00:54:14,265 --> 00:54:19,265
I have got a girl for you. You'll love her.
She's a reporter for Rolling Stone.
979
00:54:19,646 --> 00:54:24,608
I think there are more people hereto see
the Maharishi than there were for Dylan.
980
00:54:24,609 --> 00:54:27,736
I covered the Dylan concert,
which gave me chills.
981
00:54:27,737 --> 00:54:32,737
Especially when he sang,
"She takes just like a woman."
982
00:54:33,159 --> 00:54:38,121
"And she makes love just like a woman.
Yes, she does."
983
00:54:38,122 --> 00:54:41,541
"And she aches just like a woman."
984
00:54:41,542 --> 00:54:44,253
"But she breaks just like a little girl."
985
00:54:44,254 --> 00:54:47,589
After that,
the most charismatic event I covered...
986
00:54:47,590 --> 00:54:50,717
...was Mick's birthday
at Madison Square Garden.
987
00:54:50,718 --> 00:54:54,471
- That's great. That's just great.
- Did you catch Dylan?
988
00:54:54,472 --> 00:54:57,975
Me? No, I couldn't make it.
My raccoon had hepatitis.
989
00:54:57,976 --> 00:54:59,935
You have a raccoon?
990
00:54:59,936 --> 00:55:01,645
A few.
991
00:55:01,646 --> 00:55:04,273
The only word for this is transplendid.
992
00:55:04,274 --> 00:55:06,441
It's transplendid.
993
00:55:06,442 --> 00:55:08,610
I can think of another word.
994
00:55:08,611 --> 00:55:11,947
He's God. This man is God.
He's got millions of followers...
995
00:55:11,948 --> 00:55:15,867
...who would crawl across the world
just to touch the hem of his garment.
996
00:55:15,868 --> 00:55:18,036
Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem.
997
00:55:18,037 --> 00:55:20,372
- I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
- Are you?
998
00:55:20,373 --> 00:55:24,626
I can't get with any religion
that advertises in Popular Mechanics.
999
00:55:24,627 --> 00:55:27,754
Look. There's God
coming out of the men's room.
1000
00:55:27,755 --> 00:55:30,090
It's unbelievably transplendid!
1001
00:55:30,091 --> 00:55:33,468
I was at the Stones concert
when they killed that guy.
1002
00:55:33,469 --> 00:55:36,179
Were you?
I was at an Alice Cooper thing...
1003
00:55:36,180 --> 00:55:40,851
...where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.
1004
00:55:40,852 --> 00:55:44,396
I hope you don't mind
that I took so long to finish.
1005
00:55:44,397 --> 00:55:48,233
Oh, no. Don't be...
Don't be silly. You know, I...
1006
00:55:48,234 --> 00:55:53,234
I'm starting to get
some feeling back in my jaw now.
1007
00:55:53,364 --> 00:55:56,825
Sex with you
is really a Kafkaesque experience.
1008
00:55:56,826 --> 00:55:59,953
Oh. Thank you.
1009
00:55:59,954 --> 00:56:02,581
I mean that as a compliment.
1010
00:56:02,582 --> 00:56:07,210
I think... I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm.
1011
00:56:07,211 --> 00:56:12,090
You know, to make up for
empty areas in life.
1012
00:56:12,091 --> 00:56:15,927
Who said that?
1013
00:56:15,928 --> 00:56:19,514
I don't know. I think
it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
1014
00:56:19,515 --> 00:56:24,515
(phone rings)
1015
00:56:24,562 --> 00:56:27,814
Hello.
1016
00:56:27,815 --> 00:56:29,983
Oh, hi!
1017
00:56:29,984 --> 00:56:32,778
Uh... no. What...
1018
00:56:32,779 --> 00:56:34,988
What's the matter?
1019
00:56:34,989 --> 00:56:38,742
You sound terrible.
1020
00:56:38,743 --> 00:56:41,286
No. Sure, I...
1021
00:56:41,287 --> 00:56:43,455
What kind of emergency?
1022
00:56:43,456 --> 00:56:47,334
No. Well, stay there. Stay there.
I'll come over right now.
1023
00:56:47,335 --> 00:56:50,045
Just stay there. I'll come right over.
1024
00:56:50,046 --> 00:56:52,214
(Alvy) It's me. Open up. Are you OK?
1025
00:56:52,215 --> 00:56:54,591
What's the matter? Are you all right?
1026
00:56:54,592 --> 00:56:56,843
There's a spider in the bathroom.
1027
00:56:56,844 --> 00:56:58,095
What?
1028
00:56:58,096 --> 00:57:02,057
There's a big, black spider
in the bathroom.
1029
00:57:02,058 --> 00:57:06,728
You got me here at three in the morning
cos there's a spider in the bathroom?
1030
00:57:06,729 --> 00:57:11,691
You know how I am about insects. I can't
sleep with a live thing crawling around.
1031
00:57:11,692 --> 00:57:15,404
Kill it! What's wrong with you?
Don't you have a can of Raid?
1032
00:57:15,405 --> 00:57:17,072
No.
1033
00:57:17,073 --> 00:57:21,451
I told you a thousand times. You should
always keep a lotta insect spray.
1034
00:57:21,452 --> 00:57:23,829
You never know who's gonna crawl over.
1035
00:57:23,830 --> 00:57:26,665
And a first-aid kit
and a fire-extinguisher...
1036
00:57:26,666 --> 00:57:29,251
Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired.
1037
00:57:29,252 --> 00:57:32,421
You make fun of me,
but I'm prepared for anything.
1038
00:57:32,422 --> 00:57:36,091
An emergency, a tidal wave,
an earthquake.
1039
00:57:36,092 --> 00:57:39,553
Hey, what is this?
Did you go to a rock concert?
1040
00:57:39,554 --> 00:57:40,887
Yeah.
1041
00:57:40,888 --> 00:57:43,056
Oh, yeah? Really?
1042
00:57:43,057 --> 00:57:45,225
How'd you like it?
1043
00:57:45,226 --> 00:57:49,438
Was it... I mean, was it heavy?
Did it achieve total heavy-ocity?
1044
00:57:49,439 --> 00:57:51,606
It was just great.
1045
00:57:51,607 --> 00:57:55,318
Why don't you get the guy
that took you to the rock concert...
1046
00:57:55,319 --> 00:57:57,529
...to come over and kill the spider?
1047
00:57:57,530 --> 00:58:00,323
I called you. You wanna
help me or not, huh?
1048
00:58:00,324 --> 00:58:03,076
Since when do you read
the National Review?
1049
00:58:03,077 --> 00:58:07,247
- What are you turning into?
- I like to try to get all points of view.
1050
00:58:07,248 --> 00:58:10,167
Then get William F Buckley
to kill the spider.
1051
00:58:10,168 --> 00:58:13,211
Alvy, you're a little hostile.
You know that?
1052
00:58:13,212 --> 00:58:15,797
Not only that. You look thin and tired.
1053
00:58:15,798 --> 00:58:19,301
It's three o'clock in the morning!
You got me out of bed.
1054
00:58:19,302 --> 00:58:23,680
I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab.
You said it was an emergency.
1055
00:58:23,681 --> 00:58:28,059
I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more
attractive when the evening began.
1056
00:58:28,060 --> 00:58:31,271
Are you going with a right-wing
rock-and-roll star?
1057
00:58:31,272 --> 00:58:33,982
Would you like a glass of chocolate milk?
1058
00:58:33,983 --> 00:58:36,860
Hey, what am I? Your son?
I came over for...
1059
00:58:36,861 --> 00:58:39,070
I got the good chocolate.
1060
00:58:39,071 --> 00:58:41,948
- Where's the spider?
- It's in the bathroom.
1061
00:58:41,949 --> 00:58:46,949
Don't squish it. And after it's dead,
flush it down the toilet a couple of times.
1062
00:58:47,038 --> 00:58:52,038
Darling, I've been killing spiders
since I was 30, OK?
1063
00:58:54,045 --> 00:58:57,923
It's a very big spider.
Lotta trouble. There's two of them.
1064
00:58:57,924 --> 00:59:02,093
I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider. You got a broom?
1065
00:59:02,094 --> 00:59:06,431
It's at your house. I think I left it there.
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
1066
00:59:06,432 --> 00:59:10,060
Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom
the size of a Buick.
1067
00:59:10,061 --> 00:59:15,061
OK.
1068
00:59:15,775 --> 00:59:17,442
Hey...
1069
00:59:17,443 --> 00:59:21,780
- What is this? You got black soap?
- It's for my complexion.
1070
00:59:21,781 --> 00:59:26,781
What, are you joining a minstrel show?
1071
00:59:30,581 --> 00:59:32,707
(crashing and banging)
1072
00:59:32,708 --> 00:59:37,708
Don't worry!
1073
00:59:43,511 --> 00:59:46,805
I did it. I killed them both.
What are you sad about?
1074
00:59:46,806 --> 00:59:50,725
What did you want me to do?
Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em?
1075
00:59:50,726 --> 00:59:54,020
- Oh, don't go. Please.
- What do you mean, don't...
1076
00:59:54,021 --> 00:59:57,232
What's the matter?
Are you expecting termites?
1077
00:59:57,233 --> 00:59:59,568
What's the matter?
1078
00:59:59,569 --> 01:00:02,404
I don't know. I miss you.
1079
01:00:02,405 --> 01:00:04,573
- Oh, Jesus. Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1080
01:00:04,574 --> 01:00:09,574
Oh...
1081
01:00:12,039 --> 01:00:16,001
- Alvy?
- What?
1082
01:00:16,002 --> 01:00:20,088
Was there somebody in your room
when I called you?
1083
01:00:20,089 --> 01:00:23,925
- What do you mean?
- Was there... I thought I heard a voice.
1084
01:00:23,926 --> 01:00:27,887
I had the radio on. I'm sorry -
it was the television set.
1085
01:00:27,888 --> 01:00:32,888
I was watching...
1086
01:00:33,769 --> 01:00:36,313
Alvy, let's never break up again.
1087
01:00:36,314 --> 01:00:38,690
I don't wanna be apart.
1088
01:00:38,691 --> 01:00:43,361
I think we're both much too mature
for something like that.
1089
01:00:43,362 --> 01:00:46,239
Living together
hasn't been so bad, has it?
1090
01:00:46,240 --> 01:00:49,117
No. For me, it's been terrific. You know?
1091
01:00:49,118 --> 01:00:51,745
Better than either one of my marriages.
1092
01:00:51,746 --> 01:00:56,746
There's just something different about
you. I don't know what it is, but it's great.
1093
01:00:57,293 --> 01:01:02,213
You know, I think that if you let me,
maybe I could help you have more fun.
1094
01:01:02,214 --> 01:01:05,383
I mean, I know it's hard. It's...
1095
01:01:05,384 --> 01:01:08,803
Alvy, what about...
what if we go away this weekend?
1096
01:01:08,804 --> 01:01:13,016
Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us
would drive into Brooklyn?
1097
01:01:13,017 --> 01:01:17,020
We could show you the old
neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you.
1098
01:01:17,021 --> 01:01:19,064
Yeah, it would.
1099
01:01:19,065 --> 01:01:21,149
(Annie) Oh. my God! It's a great day!
1100
01:01:21,150 --> 01:01:24,152
(Alvy) Watch the road!
You're gonna total the car!
1101
01:01:24,153 --> 01:01:26,655
(Annie) I've never even been to Brooklyn.
1102
01:01:26,656 --> 01:01:30,867
(Rob) Got to see the old neighbourhood.
We can show her the schoolyard.
1103
01:01:30,868 --> 01:01:35,413
(Alvy) I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max.
The best. I was all-schoolyard.
1104
01:01:35,414 --> 01:01:38,833
They threw him a football once
and he tried to dribble it.
1105
01:01:38,834 --> 01:01:41,002
I used to lose my glasses a lot.
1106
01:01:41,003 --> 01:01:44,839
(Alvy) Oh, look! That's my old house.
That's where I used to live.
1107
01:01:44,840 --> 01:01:46,049
(Annie) Holy cow!
1108
01:01:46,050 --> 01:01:50,178
(Rob) You're lucky. Where I lived
is now a pornographic equipment store.
1109
01:01:50,179 --> 01:01:52,889
(Alvy) I have some
very good memories there.
1110
01:01:52,890 --> 01:01:55,600
Your mother and father
fighting all the time?
1111
01:01:55,601 --> 01:01:58,687
Yeah, and always over
the most ridiculous things.
1112
01:01:58,688 --> 01:02:00,980
- You fired the cleaner?
- She stole!
1113
01:02:00,981 --> 01:02:03,400
She's coloured!
They have enough trouble!
1114
01:02:03,401 --> 01:02:06,903
- She went through my pocketbook!
- They're persecuted enough!
1115
01:02:06,904 --> 01:02:10,115
- Who's persecuting? She stole!
- So? We can afford it!
1116
01:02:10,116 --> 01:02:13,493
How can we afford it? On your pay?
What if she steals more?
1117
01:02:13,494 --> 01:02:16,663
She's a coloured woman from Harlem!
She has no money!
1118
01:02:16,664 --> 01:02:20,792
She's got a right to steal from us!
Who is she gonna steal from if not us?
1119
01:02:20,793 --> 01:02:23,545
- You're both crazy!
- They can't hear you, Max.
1120
01:02:23,546 --> 01:02:26,673
Leo, I married a fool!
1121
01:02:26,674 --> 01:02:28,550
Hey, Max. What's that?
1122
01:02:28,551 --> 01:02:33,221
That's the welcome-home party,
1945, for my cousin Herbie.
1123
01:02:33,222 --> 01:02:36,683
(rumbling)
1124
01:02:36,684 --> 01:02:40,186
Look. There. That's Joey Nichols.
He was my father's friend.
1125
01:02:40,187 --> 01:02:42,981
He was always bothering me
when I was a kid.
1126
01:02:42,982 --> 01:02:45,400
Joey Nichols. See? Nickels.
1127
01:02:45,401 --> 01:02:47,569
See? Nickels.
1128
01:02:47,570 --> 01:02:51,239
You see? Nickels.
You can always remember my name.
1129
01:02:51,240 --> 01:02:53,950
Just think of Joey Five Cents. Ha-ha!
1130
01:02:53,951 --> 01:02:57,996
That's me! Joey Five Cents!
1131
01:02:57,997 --> 01:03:00,165
What an asshole.
1132
01:03:00,166 --> 01:03:03,501
The one who killed me the most
was my mother's sister Tessie.
1133
01:03:03,502 --> 01:03:06,129
I was always the sister
with good common sense.
1134
01:03:06,130 --> 01:03:08,715
Tessie was always
the one with personality.
1135
01:03:08,716 --> 01:03:11,843
When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.
1136
01:03:11,844 --> 01:03:16,389
Tessie Moskowitz had the personality.
She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt.
1137
01:03:16,390 --> 01:03:18,558
She was once a great beauty.
1138
01:03:18,559 --> 01:03:21,895
Tessie, they say you were
the sister with personality.
1139
01:03:21,896 --> 01:03:24,063
I was a great beauty.
1140
01:03:24,064 --> 01:03:28,026
- How did this personality come about?
- I was very charming.
1141
01:03:28,027 --> 01:03:30,945
There were many men interested in you?
1142
01:03:30,946 --> 01:03:34,657
Oh, I was quite a lively dancer.
1143
01:03:34,658 --> 01:03:36,826
That's very hard to believe.
1144
01:03:36,827 --> 01:03:41,664
Well, I had a really good day. it was just
a real fine way to spend my birthday.
1145
01:03:41,665 --> 01:03:45,418
- Your birthday's not till tomorrow.
- But it's real close.
1146
01:03:45,419 --> 01:03:47,879
Yeah, but no presents till midnight.
1147
01:03:47,880 --> 01:03:51,299
I wonder what this is.
1148
01:03:51,300 --> 01:03:53,718
- Happy birthday.
- What is this?
1149
01:03:53,719 --> 01:03:56,137
Is this a present? Are you kidding?
1150
01:03:56,138 --> 01:03:59,349
- Yeah. Why don't you try it on?
- Yeah? I don't...
1151
01:03:59,350 --> 01:04:04,103
- This is more like a present for you.
- It'll add ten years to our sex life.
1152
01:04:04,104 --> 01:04:07,065
- Yeah. Forget it.
- Here's a real present.
1153
01:04:07,066 --> 01:04:09,234
Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway?
1154
01:04:09,235 --> 01:04:11,986
- Check it out.
- Let me see.
1155
01:04:11,987 --> 01:04:13,571
OK. Let's see.
1156
01:04:13,572 --> 01:04:15,365
Oh, God!
1157
01:04:15,366 --> 01:04:19,244
You knew I wanted this.
God! It's terrific. God!
1158
01:04:19,245 --> 01:04:23,373
Just put on the watch and the...
and that thing and everything.
1159
01:04:23,374 --> 01:04:28,374
Oh, God. Oh.
1160
01:04:33,592 --> 01:04:37,762
♪ Seems like
1161
01:04:37,763 --> 01:04:42,763
♪ Old times
1162
01:04:43,561 --> 01:04:47,272
I Having you
1163
01:04:47,273 --> 01:04:49,941
♪ To walk with
1164
01:04:49,942 --> 01:04:54,942
♪ Seems like
1165
01:04:56,490 --> 01:05:01,490
♪ Old times
1166
01:05:02,538 --> 01:05:07,538
♪ Having you to walk with
1167
01:05:08,294 --> 01:05:13,294
♪ And it's still a thrill
1168
01:05:13,841 --> 01:05:18,841
♪ Just to have my arms around you
1169
01:05:24,768 --> 01:05:28,938
♪ Still the thrill
1170
01:05:28,939 --> 01:05:33,939
♪ That it was the day I found you
1171
01:05:36,822 --> 01:05:41,822
♪ Seems like
1172
01:05:42,286 --> 01:05:47,286
♪ Old times
1173
01:05:49,919 --> 01:05:54,919
r Dinner dates and flowers
1174
01:05:57,509 --> 01:06:02,509
♪ Old times
1175
01:06:04,600 --> 01:06:09,600
♪ Staying up all hours
1176
01:06:09,980 --> 01:06:14,980
♪ Making dreams come true
1177
01:06:16,403 --> 01:06:21,403
♪ Doing things we used to do
1178
01:06:28,248 --> 01:06:33,248
♪ Seems like old times
1179
01:06:38,968 --> 01:06:43,968
♪ Here with
1180
01:06:46,225 --> 01:06:51,225
♪ You
1181
01:06:56,026 --> 01:06:59,779
- (applause)
- Thank you.
1182
01:06:59,780 --> 01:07:04,200
You were sensational. I told you
if you stuck to it you would be great.
1183
01:07:04,201 --> 01:07:07,662
And... and you know...
you were sensational.
1184
01:07:07,663 --> 01:07:10,873
Well, Alvy, they were
just a terrific audience.
1185
01:07:10,874 --> 01:07:14,085
It makes it really easy for me
because I can be...
1186
01:07:14,086 --> 01:07:15,628
Excuse me.
1187
01:07:15,629 --> 01:07:17,171
Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.
1188
01:07:17,172 --> 01:07:21,384
We just wanted to stop by and say
that we really enjoyed your set.
1189
01:07:21,385 --> 01:07:23,553
Oh, yeah, really?
1190
01:07:23,554 --> 01:07:26,556
I thought it was very musical
and I liked it a lot.
1191
01:07:26,557 --> 01:07:28,725
That's really nice. Thanks a lot.
1192
01:07:28,726 --> 01:07:32,228
Are you recording? Do you...
Are you with any label now?
1193
01:07:32,229 --> 01:07:33,896
Me? No. (giggles)
1194
01:07:33,897 --> 01:07:35,523
No. Not at all.
1195
01:07:35,524 --> 01:07:39,986
Well, I'd like to talk to you about that
sometime if you get a chance.
1196
01:07:39,987 --> 01:07:44,449
- Possibly working together.
- Well, that's nice.
1197
01:07:44,450 --> 01:07:48,077
Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer.
Do you know Alvy?
1198
01:07:48,078 --> 01:07:51,122
No, but I know your work.
I'm a big fan of yours.
1199
01:07:51,123 --> 01:07:53,291
Thank you very much.
1200
01:07:53,292 --> 01:07:56,335
This is Shaun and Bob and...
Bob and Petronia.
1201
01:07:56,336 --> 01:07:58,504
Hi.
1202
01:07:58,505 --> 01:08:02,008
We're going back to the Pierre.
We're staying at the Pierre.
1203
01:08:02,009 --> 01:08:05,428
We're gonna meet Jack
and Anjelica and have a drink.
1204
01:08:05,429 --> 01:08:08,306
If you'd like to come,
we'd love to have you.
1205
01:08:08,307 --> 01:08:10,725
We can just sit and talk. Nothing...
1206
01:08:10,726 --> 01:08:15,396
Not a big deal. It's just relaxed.
It would just be very mellow.
1207
01:08:15,397 --> 01:08:17,648
Remember we have that thing.
1208
01:08:17,649 --> 01:08:20,318
What thing?
1209
01:08:20,319 --> 01:08:24,906
Don't you remember we discussed
that thing that we were... We had a...
1210
01:08:24,907 --> 01:08:27,075
Oh, the thing!
1211
01:08:27,076 --> 01:08:29,243
Oh, the thing. Yeah.
1212
01:08:29,244 --> 01:08:30,369
Yeah...
1213
01:08:30,370 --> 01:08:35,041
Oh, well, if it's inconvenient,
that's fine too. We'll do it another time.
1214
01:08:35,042 --> 01:08:39,045
Maybe if you're on the coast,
we'll get together and meet there.
1215
01:08:39,046 --> 01:08:41,714
It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it.
1216
01:08:41,715 --> 01:08:43,883
Nice to have met you. Good night.
1217
01:08:43,884 --> 01:08:48,884
Bye.
1218
01:08:50,390 --> 01:08:53,643
What's the matter?
You wanted to go to that party?
1219
01:08:53,644 --> 01:08:56,270
I don't know.
I thought it might be kinda fun.
1220
01:08:56,271 --> 01:08:59,690
It would be nice
to meet some new people.
1221
01:08:59,691 --> 01:09:04,529
I don't think I could take a mellow
evening. I don't respond well to mellow.
1222
01:09:04,530 --> 01:09:08,658
I have a tendency to...
If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
1223
01:09:08,659 --> 01:09:10,827
It's not good for my...
1224
01:09:10,828 --> 01:09:15,828
So you don't wanna go to the party.
So what do you wanna do?
1225
01:09:22,506 --> 01:09:25,758
That was the last day
I remember really having a good time.
1226
01:09:25,759 --> 01:09:29,887
- We never have any laughs any more.
- I've been moody and dissatisfied.
1227
01:09:29,888 --> 01:09:33,182
- How often do you sleep together?
- Do you have sex often?
1228
01:09:33,183 --> 01:09:37,937
- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week.
- Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
1229
01:09:37,938 --> 01:09:41,983
- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex.
- She would not sleep with me.
1230
01:09:41,984 --> 01:09:46,737
Then... I don't know... Six months ago
I would have done it just to please him.
1231
01:09:46,738 --> 01:09:51,242
I tried everything, you know.
I put on soft music and my red light bulb.
1232
01:09:51,243 --> 01:09:54,412
But the thing is,
since our discussions here...
1233
01:09:54,413 --> 01:09:57,039
...I feel I have a right to my own feelings.
1234
01:09:57,040 --> 01:10:00,835
I think you would have been happy
because I asserted myself.
1235
01:10:00,836 --> 01:10:05,836
I'm paying for her analysis. And she's
making progress and I'm getting screwed.
1236
01:10:05,841 --> 01:10:08,885
I feel so guilty because
Alvy is paying for it.
1237
01:10:08,886 --> 01:10:11,929
So I do feel guilty
if I don't go to bed with him.
1238
01:10:11,930 --> 01:10:15,892
If I do go to bed with him, it's like
I'm going against my own feelings.
1239
01:10:15,893 --> 01:10:20,021
She's making progress and I'm not.
Her progress is killing my progress.
1240
01:10:20,022 --> 01:10:23,357
Sometimes I think
I should just live with a woman.
1241
01:10:23,358 --> 01:10:27,570
I don't believe it! You mean to tell me
you guys have never snorted coke?
1242
01:10:27,571 --> 01:10:31,240
Well, I always wanted to try.
But Alvy, he's very down on it.
1243
01:10:31,241 --> 01:10:35,244
Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put
a wad of white powder in my nose.
1244
01:10:35,245 --> 01:10:37,413
There's the nasal membrane.
1245
01:10:37,414 --> 01:10:41,209
- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy.
- How can you say that?
1246
01:10:41,210 --> 01:10:45,755
I said that you, I and that girl from your
acting class should have a threesome.
1247
01:10:45,756 --> 01:10:48,716
- Well, that's sick!
- I know it's sick, but it's new.
1248
01:10:48,717 --> 01:10:50,885
You didn't say it couldn't be sick.
1249
01:10:50,886 --> 01:10:52,011
Come on, Alvy.
1250
01:10:52,012 --> 01:10:54,180
Do your body a favour. Try it.
1251
01:10:54,181 --> 01:10:57,225
I'm sure it's a lot of fun,
cos the Incas did it.
1252
01:10:57,226 --> 01:10:59,393
And they were a million laughs.
1253
01:10:59,394 --> 01:11:02,605
Come on. For your own experience.
You wanna write.
1254
01:11:02,606 --> 01:11:06,734
It's great stuff. A friend of mine
just brought it in from California.
1255
01:11:06,735 --> 01:11:09,779
Oh, you know, we're going
to California next week.
1256
01:11:09,780 --> 01:11:12,531
It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know.
1257
01:11:12,532 --> 01:11:16,535
On my agent's advice, I sold out
and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV.
1258
01:11:16,536 --> 01:11:20,414
No. That's not it at all.
Alvy's giving an award on television.
1259
01:11:20,415 --> 01:11:23,167
You act like
you're violating a moral issue.
1260
01:11:23,168 --> 01:11:26,963
We have to leave New York
during Christmas week, which kills me.
1261
01:11:26,964 --> 01:11:31,964
Listen, while you're in California, could
you possibly score some coke for me?
1262
01:11:32,386 --> 01:11:37,386
Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it
in a hollow heel that I have on my boot.
1263
01:11:37,474 --> 01:11:40,059
How much is this stuff, incidentally?
1264
01:11:40,060 --> 01:11:42,228
It's about $2,000 an ounce.
1265
01:11:42,229 --> 01:11:47,229
Really? And what is the kick of it?
Cos I never...
1266
01:11:51,029 --> 01:11:54,865
♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas...
1267
01:11:54,866 --> 01:11:58,869
(Rob) I've never been so relaxed
as I have been since I moved here, Max.
1268
01:11:58,870 --> 01:12:03,291
I want you to see my house. I live next to
Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi.
1269
01:12:03,292 --> 01:12:06,419
And the women are like
the women in Playboy magazine...
1270
01:12:06,420 --> 01:12:08,713
...only they can move their arms and legs.
1271
01:12:08,714 --> 01:12:11,882
(Annie) I can't get over it -
this is really Beverly Hills.
1272
01:12:11,883 --> 01:12:14,343
(Alvy) The architecture's so consistent.
1273
01:12:14,344 --> 01:12:17,680
French next to Spanish
next to Tudor next to Japanese.
1274
01:12:17,681 --> 01:12:19,849
(Annie) God! It's so clean out here.
1275
01:12:19,850 --> 01:12:23,644
(Alvy) They don't throw their garbage out.
They make it into TV shows.
1276
01:12:23,645 --> 01:12:26,105
(Rob) Give us a break, Max.
It's Christmas.
1277
01:12:26,106 --> 01:12:28,274
(Alvy) Can you believe this is Christmas?
1278
01:12:28,275 --> 01:12:32,028
(Annie) it was snowing and
really grey in New York, naturally.
1279
01:12:32,029 --> 01:12:34,405
(Alvy) Santa Claus'll have sunstroke.
1280
01:12:34,406 --> 01:12:37,283
Max, there's no crime.
There's no mugging.
1281
01:12:37,284 --> 01:12:39,452
(Alvy) There's no economic crime.
1282
01:12:39,453 --> 01:12:44,453
But there's ritual religious-cult murders.
There's wheat-germ killers out here.
1283
01:12:44,833 --> 01:12:48,294
While you're out here,
I want you to see some of my TV show.
1284
01:12:48,295 --> 01:12:51,005
And we're invited
to a big Christmas party.
1285
01:12:51,006 --> 01:12:56,006
♪ Remember Christ our Saviour
was born on Christmas Day
1286
01:12:56,053 --> 01:13:01,053
♪ To save us all from Satan's power
when we were gone astray...
1287
01:13:02,100 --> 01:13:05,269
All right now, Charlie,
give me a good laugh here.
1288
01:13:05,270 --> 01:13:08,397
- ..Limousine to the track break down?
- (laughter)
1289
01:13:08,398 --> 01:13:10,566
A little bigger.
1290
01:13:10,567 --> 01:13:13,277
Max, you realise how immoral this all is?
1291
01:13:13,278 --> 01:13:17,490
- Max, I got a hit series.
- I know. But you're adding fake laughs.
1292
01:13:17,491 --> 01:13:19,241
...home so early.
1293
01:13:19,242 --> 01:13:21,744
Give me a tremendous laugh here,
Charlie.
1294
01:13:21,745 --> 01:13:24,372
We do this show live
in front of an audience.
1295
01:13:24,373 --> 01:13:27,208
And nobody laughs,
cos the jokes aren't funny.
1296
01:13:27,209 --> 01:13:29,502
That's why this machine is dynamite.
1297
01:13:29,503 --> 01:13:33,214
Honey, you'd better lie down.
You've been in the sun too long.
1298
01:13:33,215 --> 01:13:35,925
Now give me
a medium-sized chuckle here.
1299
01:13:35,926 --> 01:13:38,094
And then a big hand.
1300
01:13:38,095 --> 01:13:39,887
(applause)
1301
01:13:39,888 --> 01:13:42,056
ls there booing on that?
1302
01:13:42,057 --> 01:13:44,016
Oh, Max.
1303
01:13:44,017 --> 01:13:45,851
I don't feel well.
1304
01:13:45,852 --> 01:13:49,397
- What's the matter?
- I don't know. I just got... very dizzy.
1305
01:13:49,398 --> 01:13:51,816
- I feel dizzy, Max.
- Well, sit down.
1306
01:13:51,817 --> 01:13:53,567
(coughs) Oh, Jesus!
1307
01:13:53,568 --> 01:13:55,820
- Are you all right?
- I don't know.
1308
01:13:55,821 --> 01:13:59,865
- You wanna lie down?
- No. My stomach felt queasy all morning.
1309
01:13:59,866 --> 01:14:02,993
- How about a ginger ale?
- Oh... Max, no.
1310
01:14:02,994 --> 01:14:05,162
Maybe I'd better lie down.
1311
01:14:05,163 --> 01:14:09,750
Why don't you try to get a little
of this down? It's just plain chicken.
1312
01:14:09,751 --> 01:14:11,919
Oh, no. I can't eat this.
1313
01:14:11,920 --> 01:14:14,088
I'm nauseous.
1314
01:14:14,089 --> 01:14:19,051
If you can just give me something
to get me through the next two hours.
1315
01:14:19,052 --> 01:14:22,888
I have to go out to Burbank
and give out an award on a TV show.
1316
01:14:22,889 --> 01:14:26,475
There's nothing wrong with you, actually,
so far as I can tell.
1317
01:14:26,476 --> 01:14:29,437
You have no fever.
No symptoms of anything serious.
1318
01:14:29,438 --> 01:14:33,441
- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor.
1319
01:14:33,442 --> 01:14:36,527
Alvy, that was the show.
They said everything is fine.
1320
01:14:36,528 --> 01:14:40,072
They found a replacement
so they're going to tape without you.
1321
01:14:40,073 --> 01:14:42,283
Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show?
1322
01:14:42,284 --> 01:14:46,078
- I know. Listen, doctor.
- I was just saying, I can't find anything.
1323
01:14:46,079 --> 01:14:48,914
- Nothing at all?
- No. I could get a lab man up here.
1324
01:14:48,915 --> 01:14:51,083
Can I have the salt, please?
1325
01:14:51,084 --> 01:14:55,337
Perhaps it would be even better
if we took him to hospital for a day or two.
1326
01:14:55,338 --> 01:14:57,506
- Hospital?
- Or there's no real way...
1327
01:14:57,507 --> 01:15:02,507
- ..to tell what's going on.
- This is not bad, actually.
1328
01:15:05,140 --> 01:15:08,601
(Alvy) Don't tell me we have to walk
from the car to the house.
1329
01:15:08,602 --> 01:15:12,146
My feet haven't touched pavement
since I reached Los Angeles.
1330
01:15:12,147 --> 01:15:15,608
I'll take a meeting with you
if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
1331
01:15:15,609 --> 01:15:18,944
I took a meeting with Freddy.
Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
1332
01:15:18,945 --> 01:15:21,113
All the good meetings are taken.
1333
01:15:21,114 --> 01:15:24,241
Right now it's only a notion.
But I think I can get money...
1334
01:15:24,242 --> 01:15:27,328
...to make it into a concept,
and then turn it into an idea.
1335
01:15:27,329 --> 01:15:29,288
- Like this house, Max?
- Mm-hm.
1336
01:15:29,289 --> 01:15:31,790
I even brought a map
to get us to the bathroom.
1337
01:15:31,791 --> 01:15:34,502
You should have told me
it was Tony Lacey's party.
1338
01:15:34,503 --> 01:15:36,670
What difference does that make?
1339
01:15:36,671 --> 01:15:40,132
- I think he has a thing for Annie.
- No. Unfortunately, Max...
1340
01:15:40,133 --> 01:15:42,676
- ..he goes with that girl over there.
- Where?
1341
01:15:42,677 --> 01:15:44,845
The one with the VPL.
1342
01:15:44,846 --> 01:15:47,014
- VPL?
- Visible Panty Line.
1343
01:15:47,015 --> 01:15:49,725
- Max, she is gorgeous.
- Yeah, she's a ten, Max.
1344
01:15:49,726 --> 01:15:53,312
- Great for you, cos you're used to twos.
- There are no twos, Max.
1345
01:15:53,313 --> 01:15:58,067
The kind with shopping bags in Central
Park with surgical masks on, muttering.
1346
01:15:58,068 --> 01:16:02,196
How do you like this couple? They just
came back from Masters and Johnson.
1347
01:16:02,197 --> 01:16:04,323
Yeah. Intensive care ward.
1348
01:16:04,324 --> 01:16:07,076
My God. Hey, Max,
I think she's giving me the eye.
1349
01:16:07,077 --> 01:16:10,287
(Rob) If she comes over,
my brain'll turn into guacamole.
1350
01:16:10,288 --> 01:16:12,581
- Hi.
- Hi. You're Alvy Singer, right?
1351
01:16:12,582 --> 01:16:15,668
- Didn't we meet at EST?
- EST? No, I was never to EST.
1352
01:16:15,669 --> 01:16:19,296
- Then how can you criticise it?
- Oh, he didn't say anything.
1353
01:16:19,297 --> 01:16:23,300
I came out to get some shock therapy,
but there was an energy crisis.
1354
01:16:23,301 --> 01:16:26,470
- He's my food taster. Have you two met?
- How you doing?
1355
01:16:26,471 --> 01:16:29,848
- You taste to see if the food's poisoned?
- Yeah. He's great.
1356
01:16:29,849 --> 01:16:34,019
You guys are wearing white. It must be
in the stars. Uri Geller must be here.
1357
01:16:34,020 --> 01:16:36,188
We're gonna operate together.
1358
01:16:36,189 --> 01:16:40,526
We just need about six weeks. In six
weeks we could cut the whole album.
1359
01:16:40,527 --> 01:16:42,778
I don't know. This is strange to me.
1360
01:16:42,779 --> 01:16:46,490
You can come and stay here.
There's a whole wing you can have.
1361
01:16:46,491 --> 01:16:49,493
- Yeah? Stay here?
- Really. Why are you smiling?
1362
01:16:49,494 --> 01:16:51,495
I don't know. I don't know.
1363
01:16:51,496 --> 01:16:55,165
Not only is he a great agent,
but he really gives good meeting.
1364
01:16:55,166 --> 01:16:59,461
This is a great house. Really.
Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts.
1365
01:16:59,462 --> 01:17:03,757
You know who the original owners were?
Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond.
1366
01:17:03,758 --> 01:17:06,468
- Then you know who lived here?
- Trigger.
1367
01:17:06,469 --> 01:17:10,139
Charlie Chaplin.
Right before his un-American thing.
1368
01:17:10,140 --> 01:17:11,974
That's great.
1369
01:17:11,975 --> 01:17:15,853
- But you guys are still New Yorkers.
- Yeah, I love it there.
1370
01:17:15,854 --> 01:17:20,854
I used to live there. I used to live there
for years, but... It's so dirty now.
1371
01:17:20,859 --> 01:17:23,027
I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
1372
01:17:23,028 --> 01:17:25,821
This is a really nice
screening room, Tony.
1373
01:17:25,822 --> 01:17:28,324
There's another thing about New York.
1374
01:17:28,325 --> 01:17:32,828
If you wanna see a movie, you have to
stand in line. It could be freezing.
1375
01:17:32,829 --> 01:17:35,414
We saw Grand Illusion here last night.
1376
01:17:35,415 --> 01:17:38,042
Hey, that's a great film if you're high.
1377
01:17:38,043 --> 01:17:41,378
Come and see our bedroom.
We did a fantastic thing.
1378
01:17:41,379 --> 01:17:43,547
No, thanks, man. I'm cool.
1379
01:17:43,548 --> 01:17:46,759
It's wonderful. They just eat
and watch movies all day.
1380
01:17:46,760 --> 01:17:48,927
And gradually you get old and die.
1381
01:17:48,928 --> 01:17:51,597
It's important to make an effort
once in a while.
1382
01:17:51,598 --> 01:17:54,266
Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful?
1383
01:17:54,267 --> 01:17:56,977
A tad on the androgynous side,
but dynamite.
1384
01:17:56,978 --> 01:17:59,480
Yeah. I forgot my mantra.
1385
01:17:59,481 --> 01:18:04,481
(I swinging music)
1386
01:18:17,916 --> 01:18:20,125
(Annie) That was fun.
1387
01:18:20,126 --> 01:18:23,253
I don't think California's bad at all.
1388
01:18:23,254 --> 01:18:25,631
It's a drag coming home.
1389
01:18:25,632 --> 01:18:27,800
(Alvy) A lot of beautiful women.
1390
01:18:27,801 --> 01:18:30,010
It was fun to flirt.
1391
01:18:30,011 --> 01:18:32,179
(Annie) I have to face facts.
1392
01:18:32,180 --> 01:18:36,475
I adore Alvy, but our relationship
doesn't seem to work any more.
1393
01:18:36,476 --> 01:18:40,479
(Alvy) I'll have the usual trouble
with Annie in bed tonight.
1394
01:18:40,480 --> 01:18:42,648
Why do I need this?
1395
01:18:42,649 --> 01:18:47,319
(Annie) If only I had the nerve to break up.
But it would really hurt him.
1396
01:18:47,320 --> 01:18:51,281
(Alvy) If only I didn't feel guilty
asking Annie to move out.
1397
01:18:51,282 --> 01:18:54,660
It'd probably wreck her.
But I should be honest.
1398
01:18:54,661 --> 01:18:57,996
Alvy, let's face it. You know...
1399
01:18:57,997 --> 01:19:01,083
I don't think our relationship is working.
1400
01:19:01,084 --> 01:19:04,294
I know. A relationship,
I think, is like a shark.
1401
01:19:04,295 --> 01:19:07,756
It has to constantly move forward,
or it dies.
1402
01:19:07,757 --> 01:19:12,136
And I think what we got on our hands
is a dead shark.
1403
01:19:12,137 --> 01:19:14,221
Whose Catcher in the Rye is this?
1404
01:19:14,222 --> 01:19:17,182
If it has my name on it,
then I guess it's mine.
1405
01:19:17,183 --> 01:19:20,519
It sure has... You wrote
your name in all my books...
1406
01:19:20,520 --> 01:19:22,980
...cos you knew this day was gonna come.
1407
01:19:22,981 --> 01:19:26,525
Alvy, you wanted to break up
just as much as I do.
1408
01:19:26,526 --> 01:19:31,113
No question. I think we're doing
the mature thing, without any doubt.
1409
01:19:31,114 --> 01:19:36,114
All the books on death and dying are
yours, and all the poetry books are mine.
1410
01:19:36,411 --> 01:19:41,165
Denial of Death. This is the first book
that I got you. Remember that day?
1411
01:19:41,166 --> 01:19:44,835
Jeez, I feel like
there's a great weight off my back. Hm.
1412
01:19:44,836 --> 01:19:47,004
Oh. Thanks, Annie.
1413
01:19:47,005 --> 01:19:50,632
Oh, no, no, no. I mean,
I think it's really important for us...
1414
01:19:50,633 --> 01:19:53,761
...to explore new relationships
and stuff like that.
1415
01:19:53,762 --> 01:19:58,098
There's no question about that. Cos
we've given this a more than fair shot.
1416
01:19:58,099 --> 01:20:00,809
My analyst thinks this move is key for me.
1417
01:20:00,810 --> 01:20:04,772
And, you know, I trust her.
Because my analyst recommended her.
1418
01:20:04,773 --> 01:20:08,567
Why should I put you through
all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
1419
01:20:08,568 --> 01:20:10,861
And you know what the beauty part is?
1420
01:20:10,862 --> 01:20:14,156
- We can always get back together again.
- Exactly.
1421
01:20:14,157 --> 01:20:19,036
I don't think many couples could handle
this. Just break up and remain friends.
1422
01:20:19,037 --> 01:20:23,040
Hey, this one's mine, this button.
I guess these are all yours.
1423
01:20:23,041 --> 01:20:25,542
Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon.
1424
01:20:25,543 --> 01:20:30,543
Impeach Lyndon Johnson.
Impeach Ronald Reagan.
1425
01:20:31,049 --> 01:20:34,092
I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake.
1426
01:20:34,093 --> 01:20:36,804
She's living in Los Angeles
with Tony Lacey.
1427
01:20:36,805 --> 01:20:41,058
Then the hell with her. if she likes
that lifestyle, let her live there.
1428
01:20:41,059 --> 01:20:44,102
- He's a jerk, for one thing.
- He graduated Harvard.
1429
01:20:44,103 --> 01:20:48,982
He may have... Listen, Harvard makes
mistakes too. Kissinger taught there.
1430
01:20:48,983 --> 01:20:51,151
Don't tell me you're jealous.
1431
01:20:51,152 --> 01:20:53,862
Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea.
1432
01:20:53,863 --> 01:20:58,158
Can I show you something, lady?
I have here... I found this in the apartment.
1433
01:20:58,159 --> 01:21:01,954
Black soap. She used to wash her face
800 times a day with black soap.
1434
01:21:01,955 --> 01:21:04,122
Don't ask me why.
1435
01:21:04,123 --> 01:21:06,625
Why don't you go out with other women?
1436
01:21:06,626 --> 01:21:10,337
Well, I tried. But it's... you know,
it's very depressing.
1437
01:21:10,338 --> 01:21:14,299
This always happens to me.
Quick! Get a broom!
1438
01:21:14,300 --> 01:21:18,178
What are you making such a big deal
about? They're only lobsters.
1439
01:21:18,179 --> 01:21:21,306
You're a grown man.
You know how to pick up a lobster.
1440
01:21:21,307 --> 01:21:24,810
- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking.
- When did you quit?
1441
01:21:24,811 --> 01:21:26,061
16 years ago.
1442
01:21:26,062 --> 01:21:27,646
What do you mean?
1443
01:21:27,647 --> 01:21:29,731
Mean?
1444
01:21:29,732 --> 01:21:34,611
You stopped smoking 16 years ago.
Is that what you said?
1445
01:21:34,612 --> 01:21:37,072
I don't understand.
1446
01:21:37,073 --> 01:21:42,073
Are you joking or what?
1447
01:21:51,004 --> 01:21:53,171
Central Park's turning green.
1448
01:21:53,172 --> 01:21:56,216
Yeah. I saw that lunatic
that we used to see...
1449
01:21:56,217 --> 01:22:00,554
...with the pinwheel hat,
you know, and the roller skates.
1450
01:22:00,555 --> 01:22:04,099
Listen, I... I want you to come back here.
1451
01:22:04,100 --> 01:22:09,100
Well... Then I'm gonna
come out there and get you.
1452
01:22:11,441 --> 01:22:14,693
What do you mean, where am I?
Where do you think I am?
1453
01:22:14,694 --> 01:22:17,613
I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in.
1454
01:22:17,614 --> 01:22:21,033
I... Well, I flew in to see you.
1455
01:22:21,034 --> 01:22:24,536
Hey, listen. Can we not
debate this on the telephone?
1456
01:22:24,537 --> 01:22:27,164
Because I feel that I got a temperature.
1457
01:22:27,165 --> 01:22:32,165
And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles
nausea already. I don't feel so good.
1458
01:22:32,170 --> 01:22:37,170
Wherever you wanna meet. I don't care.
I'll drive in. I rented a car.
1459
01:22:37,383 --> 01:22:39,718
(Alvy) I'm driving. What do you...
1460
01:22:39,719 --> 01:22:44,719
What, is that such a miracle?
I'm driving myself.
1461
01:22:58,863 --> 01:23:02,950
I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and...
1462
01:23:02,951 --> 01:23:07,951
...a plate of mashed yeast.
1463
01:23:15,380 --> 01:23:20,380
Hi.
1464
01:23:24,806 --> 01:23:26,974
You look very pretty.
1465
01:23:26,975 --> 01:23:31,975
Oh, no. I just lost
a little weight, that's all.
1466
01:23:34,732 --> 01:23:37,985
Well... you look nice.
1467
01:23:37,986 --> 01:23:41,863
I've been thinking about it,
and I think that we should get married.
1468
01:23:41,864 --> 01:23:44,908
Oh, Alvy. Come on.
1469
01:23:44,909 --> 01:23:47,411
Why? You wanna live out here?
1470
01:23:47,412 --> 01:23:50,163
It's like living in Munchkin Land.
1471
01:23:50,164 --> 01:23:53,291
What do you mean?
It's perfectly fine out here.
1472
01:23:53,292 --> 01:23:55,460
I mean, Tony's very nice.
1473
01:23:55,461 --> 01:23:59,840
And... well, I meet people
and I go to parties and we play tennis.
1474
01:23:59,841 --> 01:24:03,093
I mean, that's a very big step for me,
you know.
1475
01:24:03,094 --> 01:24:06,430
I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more.
1476
01:24:06,431 --> 01:24:09,391
So... you're not gonna
come back to New York?
1477
01:24:09,392 --> 01:24:13,395
What's so great about New York? It's
a dying city. You read Death in Venice.
1478
01:24:13,396 --> 01:24:16,440
You didn't read Death in Venice
till I bought it for you.
1479
01:24:16,441 --> 01:24:20,235
That's right. You only gave me books
with the word "death" in the title.
1480
01:24:20,236 --> 01:24:22,654
Cos it's an important issue.
1481
01:24:22,655 --> 01:24:25,157
Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life.
1482
01:24:25,158 --> 01:24:28,243
You're like New York City.
You're just this person.
1483
01:24:28,244 --> 01:24:30,912
You're like this island unto yourself.
1484
01:24:30,913 --> 01:24:33,832
I can't enjoy anything
unless everybody is.
1485
01:24:33,833 --> 01:24:38,833
If one guy is starving someplace,
that's... it puts a crimp in my evening.
1486
01:24:40,673 --> 01:24:44,593
So you wanna get married or what?
1487
01:24:44,594 --> 01:24:47,220
No. We're friends.
1488
01:24:47,221 --> 01:24:50,724
I wanna remain friends.
1489
01:24:50,725 --> 01:24:52,601
OK.
1490
01:24:52,602 --> 01:24:54,436
Check, please!
1491
01:24:54,437 --> 01:24:56,772
You're mad, aren't you?
1492
01:24:56,773 --> 01:25:00,442
Yes, of course I'm mad.
Because you love me. I know that.
1493
01:25:00,443 --> 01:25:05,280
Alvy, I can't say that that's true
at this point in my life. I really can't.
1494
01:25:05,281 --> 01:25:07,449
You know how wonderful you are.
1495
01:25:07,450 --> 01:25:12,162
You know you're the reason that I got out
of my room and that I was able to sing...
1496
01:25:12,163 --> 01:25:15,582
...and get more in touch
with my feelings and all that crap.
1497
01:25:15,583 --> 01:25:20,504
Anyway, look, I don't wanna...
Listen, listen, listen, um...
1498
01:25:20,505 --> 01:25:24,716
So what are you up to anyway, huh?
1499
01:25:24,717 --> 01:25:29,179
The usual, you know. I'm trying to write.
I'm working on a play.
1500
01:25:29,180 --> 01:25:34,180
(sighs) So what are you saying? You're
not coming back to New York with me?
1501
01:25:34,268 --> 01:25:37,896
No. Look...
1502
01:25:37,897 --> 01:25:39,481
I gotta go-
1503
01:25:39,482 --> 01:25:42,192
- I flew 3,000 miles to see you.
- I'm late.
1504
01:25:42,193 --> 01:25:45,320
Air miles. You know what
that does to my stomach?
1505
01:25:45,321 --> 01:25:48,573
It's a hectic time for Tony.
The Grammies are tonight.
1506
01:25:48,574 --> 01:25:51,618
- The what?
- He's got a lot of records up for awards.
1507
01:25:51,619 --> 01:25:54,871
They give awards for that music?
I thought just earplugs.
1508
01:25:54,872 --> 01:25:57,874
Just forget it!
Let's just forget the conversation.
1509
01:25:57,875 --> 01:26:01,503
Awards! They do nothing
but give out awards! I can't believe it.
1510
01:26:01,504 --> 01:26:06,504
Greatest fascist dictator - Adolf Hitler.
1511
01:26:10,596 --> 01:26:15,596
(engine wheezes)
1512
01:26:26,571 --> 01:26:31,571
(police siren)
1513
01:26:33,911 --> 01:26:38,911
I know what you're gonna say. I'm not a
great driver. I have some problems with...
1514
01:26:39,208 --> 01:26:41,376
Can I see your license, please?
1515
01:26:41,377 --> 01:26:44,171
Just don't get angry or anything, cos I...
1516
01:26:44,172 --> 01:26:46,339
I have my license here.
1517
01:26:46,340 --> 01:26:48,508
It's a rented car and I... I...
1518
01:26:48,509 --> 01:26:49,634
Here.
1519
01:26:49,635 --> 01:26:51,720
Don't give me your life...
1520
01:26:51,721 --> 01:26:52,846
...story.
1521
01:26:52,847 --> 01:26:55,015
Just pick up the license.
1522
01:26:55,016 --> 01:26:59,561
You have to ask nicely cos I've had
an extremely rough day. My girlfriend...
1523
01:26:59,562 --> 01:27:03,064
Just give me the license, please.
1524
01:27:03,065 --> 01:27:06,484
Since you put it that way,
it's hard for me to refuse.
1525
01:27:06,485 --> 01:27:09,279
I have a terrific problem with authority.
1526
01:27:09,280 --> 01:27:14,280
It's not your fault. Don't take it personal.
1527
01:27:20,082 --> 01:27:25,082
So long, fellas. Keep in touch.
1528
01:27:31,844 --> 01:27:35,931
Imagine my surprise
when I got your call, Max.
1529
01:27:35,932 --> 01:27:39,351
Yeah. I had the feeling
that I got you at a bad moment.
1530
01:27:39,352 --> 01:27:41,728
I heard high-pitched squealing.
1531
01:27:41,729 --> 01:27:43,897
Twins, Max.
1532
01:27:43,898 --> 01:27:47,442
1 S-year-olds.
1533
01:27:47,443 --> 01:27:51,112
Can you imagine
the mathematical possibilities of that?
1534
01:27:51,113 --> 01:27:55,283
You're an actor, Max. You should be
doing Shakespeare in the Park.
1535
01:27:55,284 --> 01:27:58,328
I did Shakespeare in the Park, Max.
I got mugged.
1536
01:27:58,329 --> 01:28:03,329
I was playing Richard ll, and two guys
with leather jackets stole my leotard.
1537
01:28:07,505 --> 01:28:10,840
Max, are we driving through plutonium?
1538
01:28:10,841 --> 01:28:13,009
It keeps out the alpha rays, Max.
1539
01:28:13,010 --> 01:28:16,888
You don't get old.
1540
01:28:16,889 --> 01:28:20,267
You're a thinking person.
How can you choose this lifestyle?
1541
01:28:20,268 --> 01:28:23,144
What is so incredibly great
about New York?
1542
01:28:23,145 --> 01:28:26,273
It's a dying city.
You read Death in Venice.
1543
01:28:26,274 --> 01:28:28,733
You didn't read it till I gave it to you.
1544
01:28:28,734 --> 01:28:31,152
You only give me books
with "death" in the title.
1545
01:28:31,153 --> 01:28:35,115
- It's an important issue.
- You are totally incapable of enjoying life.
1546
01:28:35,116 --> 01:28:37,742
You're like New York. You're an island.
1547
01:28:37,743 --> 01:28:41,621
OK. If that's all that we've been
through together means to you...
1548
01:28:41,622 --> 01:28:45,292
...I guess it's better if we just
say goodbye, once and for all.
1549
01:28:45,293 --> 01:28:49,796
You know, it's funny, after all the serious
talks and passionate moments...
1550
01:28:49,797 --> 01:28:53,883
...that it ends here, in a health-food
restaurant on Sunset Boulevard.
1551
01:28:53,884 --> 01:28:56,219
Goodbye, Sunny.
1552
01:28:56,220 --> 01:28:57,887
Wait.
1553
01:28:57,888 --> 01:29:01,057
I'm gonna go with you.
1554
01:29:01,058 --> 01:29:06,058
I love you.
1555
01:29:06,147 --> 01:29:08,648
What do you want? It was my first play.
1556
01:29:08,649 --> 01:29:13,069
You know how you're always trying to
get things to come out perfect in art...
1557
01:29:13,070 --> 01:29:15,572
...because it's real difficult in life.
1558
01:29:15,573 --> 01:29:19,826
Interestingly, however,
I did run into Annie again.
1559
01:29:19,827 --> 01:29:22,620
It was on the Upper West Side
of Manhattan.
1560
01:29:22,621 --> 01:29:26,166
She had moved back to New York.
She was living in SoHo with some guy.
1561
01:29:26,167 --> 01:29:30,170
And when I met her, she was dragging
him into see The Sorrow and the Pity...
1562
01:29:30,171 --> 01:29:33,256
...which I counted as a personal triumph.
1563
01:29:33,257 --> 01:29:36,426
Annie and I had lunch
sometime after that and...
1564
01:29:36,427 --> 01:29:39,888
...just kicked around old times.
1565
01:29:39,889 --> 01:29:44,889
(Annie) a' Just to have my arms
1566
01:29:46,145 --> 01:29:51,145
♪ Around you
1567
01:29:52,109 --> 01:29:57,109
♪ Still the thrill that it was
1568
01:29:57,490 --> 01:30:01,951
♪ The day I found you
1569
01:30:01,952 --> 01:30:06,952
♪ Seems like
1570
01:30:08,417 --> 01:30:13,417
♪ Old times
1571
01:30:15,674 --> 01:30:20,674
r Dinner dates and flowers
1572
01:30:22,932 --> 01:30:27,102
♪ Old times
1573
01:30:27,103 --> 01:30:30,522
(Alvy) After that,
it got pretty late and we both had to go.
1574
01:30:30,523 --> 01:30:35,151
But it was great seeing Annie again.
I realised what a terrific person she was...
1575
01:30:35,152 --> 01:30:37,946
...and how much fun it was
just knowing her.
1576
01:30:37,947 --> 01:30:40,824
And I thought of that old joke, you know.
1577
01:30:40,825 --> 01:30:44,119
This guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says...
1578
01:30:44,120 --> 01:30:48,081
..."Doc, my brother's crazy.
He thinks he's a chicken."
1579
01:30:48,082 --> 01:30:51,668
And the doctor says,
"Well, why don't you turn him in?"
1580
01:30:51,669 --> 01:30:54,879
And the guy says,
"I would, but I need the eggs."
1581
01:30:54,880 --> 01:30:59,467
Well, I guess that's pretty much now
how I feel about relationships.
1582
01:30:59,468 --> 01:31:04,468
You know, they're totally irrational
and crazy and absurd and...
1583
01:31:04,598 --> 01:31:09,598
But I guess we keep going through it
because most of us need the eggs.
1584
01:31:10,814 --> 01:31:26,814
© anoXmous
@ https://thepiratebay.se/user/anoXmous