1
00:00:18,708 --> 00:00:21,707
(Quiet brass fanfare)

2
00:00:47,916 --> 00:00:51,249
(Rippling piano and strings)

3
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:08,290
(Tyres screech)

4
00:01:11,416 --> 00:01:14,415
(Children's voices)

5
00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:19,207
" "

6
00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,957
(Flies buzz)

7
00:02:06,625 --> 00:02:10,249
(Birds sing, dogs bark)

8
00:02:18,916 --> 00:02:22,249
" "

9
00:02:43,208 --> 00:02:46,999
Mary Dinkle's eyes were the colour
of muddy puddles.

10
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,540
Her birthmark, the colour of poo.

11
00:02:53,625 --> 00:02:57,374
(Dogs whimper)

12
00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:03,749
(Dogs bark)

13
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:08,374
lt was Saturday afternoon
and she was bored.

14
00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:12,540
Mary wished she had a friend
to play piggybacks with.

15
00:03:15,041 --> 00:03:17,999
(Dogs whimper)

16
00:03:19,791 --> 00:03:22,415
(Birdsong)

17
00:03:24,958 --> 00:03:29,624
Mary's mood ring, which she'd found
in a cereal box, was grey

18
00:03:29,708 --> 00:03:31,999
which, according to the chart,

19
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:39,207
meant she was either pensive,
unconsciously ambitious or hungry.

20
00:03:39,250 --> 00:03:43,374
Her only friends were 'The Noblets'
from her favourite cartoon.

21
00:03:43,375 --> 00:03:46,832
They weren't the real ones
you bought in the shops

22
00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:51,249
but fake ones she had to make herself
from shells, gumnuts, pompoms

23
00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:56,374
and the chicken bones salvaged
from Friday night's takeaway.

24
00:03:56,375 --> 00:04:00,540
She had to make all her own toys,
and her favourites were Shrinkies -

25
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:04,915
potato chip packets that
she had shrunk in the oven.

26
00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:08,749
(Machine squeaks and squelches)

27
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:12,082
Mary's father, Noel Norman Dinkle,

28
00:04:12,083 --> 00:04:15,499
worked in a factory,
attaching the strings to tea bags.

29
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,124
(Conveyor squeaks)

30
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,540
At show and tell, she told the class

31
00:04:19,541 --> 00:04:24,874
he could get as many free tea bags
as he wanted.

32
00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,790
Her favourite tea bag was Earl Grey.

33
00:04:28,791 --> 00:04:33,124
She loved saying 'Earl Grey'

34
00:04:33,125 --> 00:04:38,499
and would like one day to marry
someone called Earl Grey.

35
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,124
(Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave')

36
00:04:40,166 --> 00:04:42,124
They would live
in a castle in Scotland,

37
00:04:42,208 --> 00:04:44,790
have 9 babies, 2 ducks...
(Ducks quack)

38
00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,665
..and a dog called Kevin.

39
00:04:46,666 --> 00:04:49,165
(Dog whimpers)

40
00:04:49,166 --> 00:04:52,999
Noel's hobby was to sit in his shed
and drink Baileys lrish Cream

41
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:58,249
and stuff birds he'd found
on the side of the freeway.

42
00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:05,124
Mary wished he'd spend more time
with her and less with his dead friends.

43
00:05:05,125 --> 00:05:08,957
She also wished she had
some brothers and sisters.

44
00:05:08,958 --> 00:05:12,540
Her mother had told her
she was 'an accident'.

45
00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:16,540
How could someone be an accident?

46
00:05:16,541 --> 00:05:20,749
Grandpoppy Ralph had told her
that babies were deliberate

47
00:05:20,750 --> 00:05:24,249
and found by dads
at the bottom of their beer.

48
00:05:26,250 --> 00:05:29,540
Grandpoppy Ralph
had smelt like pickled onions

49
00:05:29,541 --> 00:05:34,832
and had been a member
of the Frankston lce Breakers for 51 years.

50
00:05:34,875 --> 00:05:36,957
Aaagh! Aaaaaghhh!
(Water splashes)

51
00:05:36,958 --> 00:05:40,249
They swam in winter to feel alive.

52
00:05:40,250 --> 00:05:46,540
Grandpoppy Ralph had said
it made his nipples erect.

53
00:05:46,541 --> 00:05:49,249
He had died the year before, aged 74,

54
00:05:49,250 --> 00:05:54,790
and his best mate, Ken,
had recited a poem in his honour.

55
00:05:54,791 --> 00:05:58,290
(Ken): Born in a barn
in the hills of Boronia,

56
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,124
Ralph lived a long life,

57
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:03,790
then died of pneumonia.

58
00:06:03,791 --> 00:06:04,790
Mary missed him

59
00:06:04,833 --> 00:06:09,540
and often wondered
why he had drunk ammonia.

60
00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:12,540
A lot of things puzzled Mary

61
00:06:12,541 --> 00:06:16,957
especially her mother,
Vera Lorraine Dinkle.

62
00:06:17,791 --> 00:06:22,082
To Mary, Vera always seemed wobbly.

63
00:06:22,083 --> 00:06:25,082
(Radio) : A pretty vicious ball.
And he's out!

64
00:06:25,333 --> 00:06:29,332
Vera liked listening to the cricket
while baking

65
00:06:29,416 --> 00:06:33,540
and her main ingredient
was always sherry.

66
00:06:33,541 --> 00:06:36,749
(Radio) : 3/44. And Thompson 2/1 5...

67
00:06:36,750 --> 00:06:39,749
She told Mary it was a type of tea
for grown-ups

68
00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:42,749
that needed constant testing.

69
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:46,624
(Radio) : Just out of the reach
of the lead. 6/96 England.

70
00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:48,665
(Door slams)

71
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,999
(Dishwasher starts)

72
00:06:51,583 --> 00:06:56,249
Mary thought her mother tested
the sherry...(she farts)...way too much.

73
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,707
(Snores)

74
00:06:58,791 --> 00:07:04,540
Mary also couldn't understand
why Vera was always 'borrowing'.

75
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:09,665
Yesterday, she borrowed
some fish fingers from Aisle 6.

76
00:07:09,666 --> 00:07:13,957
She told Mary she put things
up her dress to save on plastic bags.

77
00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:21,415
Vera was indeed a complicated soul.

78
00:07:22,666 --> 00:07:25,665
(Thunder, rain pattering)

79
00:07:31,791 --> 00:07:33,707
(Knock at door)
(Mary): Oooh!

80
00:07:33,875 --> 00:07:35,207
Mary stopped daydreaming

81
00:07:35,250 --> 00:07:38,082
and went and fetched
her pet rooster from the rain.

82
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:40,249
(Door squeaks)

83
00:07:41,166 --> 00:07:44,582
Her father had found the rooster
on the side of the freeway

84
00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:48,790
after it had fallen off the back
of a slaughter truck.

85
00:07:48,791 --> 00:07:50,915
She named him Ethel.

86
00:07:51,625 --> 00:07:53,624
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music )

87
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:59,082
lt was time to watch 'The Noblets'.
She adored 'The Noblets'

88
00:07:59,166 --> 00:08:03,165
because everyone was brown,
lived in a teapot

89
00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:06,957
and had oodles of friends.

90
00:08:06,958 --> 00:08:09,832
There was nothing nicer,
Mary thought to herself,

91
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,540
than the smell of a wet rooster...
(She sniffs)

92
00:08:12,541 --> 00:08:14,415
..the sound of rain on the roof

93
00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:18,915
and the taste of sweetened
condensed milk straight from the can

94
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:23,207
while watching your favourite cartoon.

95
00:08:24,208 --> 00:08:25,915
(She swallows)

96
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,665
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

97
00:08:41,791 --> 00:08:43,374
(Gunshots)

98
00:08:44,875 --> 00:08:47,124
" "

99
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,999
(Distant traffic noise)

100
00:08:59,041 --> 00:09:00,999
" "

101
00:09:05,666 --> 00:09:08,332
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)

102
00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:13,124
Meanwhile, a man called Max Horowitz
also watched 'The Noblets' .

103
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:20,457
Max's small television
had picture but no sound.

104
00:09:20,458 --> 00:09:25,165
His big television, sound but no picture.

105
00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:27,582
He was 44 and liked 'The Noblets'

106
00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:31,457
as they lived in a delineated
and articulated social structure

107
00:09:31,458 --> 00:09:34,832
with constant adherent conformity

108
00:09:34,833 --> 00:09:38,790
and also because they had
oodles of friends.

109
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:42,915
Max had trouble sleeping

110
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:49,249
and had spent the night watching television
and catching fish food.

111
00:09:49,291 --> 00:09:53,957
He noted to himself it was the sixth fly
he'd caught this evening.

112
00:09:54,333 --> 00:09:58,124
(Clock chimes)

113
00:09:58,166 --> 00:10:01,707
He wondered if he should go to bed
and count sheep

114
00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:05,499
or have one more chocolate hotdog.

115
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:09,957
He thought he'd try both
but it didn't work.

116
00:10:09,958 --> 00:10:16,457
lt had been 6 hours and 1 2 minutes
since Henry Vlll had passed away.

117
00:10:16,458 --> 00:10:19,874
And Henry's death
had thrown Max's life into disarray.

118
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:20,999
(Mournful Russian folk music)

119
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,999
(Mournful Russian folk music)
lt had become asymmetrical

120
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,749
and the sooner
he got a new fish, the better.

121
00:10:27,875 --> 00:10:29,624
(Toilet flushes)

122
00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,582
Tomorrow he would go to the pet store
and get another Henry -

123
00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:35,499
Henry lX.

124
00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:39,332
(Wind vane squeaks)

125
00:10:40,875 --> 00:10:43,874
(Quiet, uplifting piano and orchestra)

126
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,749
(Footsteps and traffic noise)

127
00:10:51,791 --> 00:10:54,665
(Man): Next.

128
00:10:54,666 --> 00:10:56,082
lt was shopping day

129
00:10:56,083 --> 00:11:03,207
and Mary sat patiently while her mother
(erm...) 'borrowed' some envelopes.

130
00:11:03,250 --> 00:11:05,999
To fill in time, she scanned the room

131
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,999
and counted how many things
were brown.

132
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,457
There was sticky tape, rubber bands

133
00:11:11,458 --> 00:11:16,040
and a phone book with a picture
of a lady standing in a brown lake

134
00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:18,207
with her hand on fire.

135
00:11:19,291 --> 00:11:25,040
People had weird names in America,
Mary Daisy Dinkle thought to herself.

136
00:11:25,041 --> 00:11:29,999
Funny-sounding people
called Rockefeller and Finkelstein.

137
00:11:30,041 --> 00:11:33,415
She wondered what they looked like,
how old they were

138
00:11:33,416 --> 00:11:39,332
and if they were married, wore glasses
or had found babies in their beer.

139
00:11:39,375 --> 00:11:42,624
(Baby gurgles) Maybe in the USA
they found babies elsewhere.

140
00:11:42,625 --> 00:11:45,332
(Mary): Hmm...
They drank a lot of cola.

141
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,874
Maybe they found them in cans.
(Baby gurgles)

142
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,707
But, no, they wouldn't fit
through the hole.

143
00:11:51,708 --> 00:11:53,124
(Disappointed gurgle)

144
00:11:53,125 --> 00:11:56,249
(Lightbulb tings)
Mary had an idea.

145
00:11:56,250 --> 00:12:02,374
She would write to one of the Americans
and ask where babies came from.

146
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:06,332
She chose a Mr M Horowitz.

147
00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:10,874
(She inhales, then coughs)

148
00:12:10,875 --> 00:12:13,999
(Tense, dramatic orchestra)

149
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:18,374
(Postmaster) : Aarrgh, Mrs Dinkle!

150
00:12:18,375 --> 00:12:22,915
Come back here, Vera Dinkle!
You come back here!

151
00:12:23,375 --> 00:12:24,665
Aaarghhhh!

152
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:28,915
(Mary): Dear Mr M Horowitz,

153
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,957
my name is Mary Daisy Dinkle

154
00:12:32,958 --> 00:12:38,957
and l am 8 years old,
3 months and 9 days.

155
00:12:39,291 --> 00:12:41,582
My favourite colour is brown

156
00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:45,665
and my favourite food
is sweetened condensed milk

157
00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:49,332
followed closely by chocolate.

158
00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:54,332
l have a rooster called Ethel
that looks like this.

159
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:57,124
He doesn't lay eggs but will one day.

160
00:12:57,125 --> 00:12:58,582
(Pop!)

161
00:12:58,625 --> 00:13:02,082
My mother likes smoking,
cricket and sherry

162
00:13:02,083 --> 00:13:07,624
and my father likes playing in his shed
with dead birds.

163
00:13:07,708 --> 00:13:10,457
Where do babies come from
in America?

164
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:12,582
Do they come from cola cans?

165
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:17,165
ln Australia
they are found in beer glasses.

166
00:13:17,166 --> 00:13:18,790
Here is a drawing of me.

167
00:13:18,791 --> 00:13:22,165
l can't draw ears proper
but l'm good at teeth.

168
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:27,707
lt would be great if you could write back
and be my friend.

169
00:13:27,708 --> 00:13:31,749
Yours 'sincerealy', Mary Daisy Dinkle.

170
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:38,165
PS. l hope you like the chocolate bar
l'm also sending.

171
00:13:38,166 --> 00:13:39,957
lt's called a Cherry Ripe.

172
00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,874
(Dogs bark and rooster crows)

173
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:54,832
(She strains)

174
00:13:54,875 --> 00:13:57,374
Goodbye, letter. Don't forget to write.

175
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:03,749
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

176
00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,707
(Max wheezes)

177
00:14:22,875 --> 00:14:24,624
(Lift bell dings)

178
00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:32,040
(Narrator): Max hated Thursdays -

179
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:36,124
the day of his weekly
Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

180
00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:39,665
And tonight he'd felt
especially unsettled

181
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:44,290
because he'd eaten two chocolate
hotdogs on his way there.

182
00:14:44,291 --> 00:14:45,540
(Teacher) : OK, class...

183
00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:49,124
Eating chocolate was breaking the rules.

184
00:14:49,166 --> 00:14:52,124
He'd found the night
even more unbearable

185
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:55,040
because of Marjorie Butterworth's
strange glances.

186
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,749
(Teacher) : Class dismissed.

187
00:14:56,791 --> 00:15:02,540
Max had trouble understanding
non-verbal signals.

188
00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:06,374
Flirting was as foreign to him
as jogging.

189
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:09,124
(Lift bell dings repeatedly)

190
00:15:11,958 --> 00:15:15,790
Max found most people very confusing.

191
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,749
But little did Max realise

192
00:15:18,750 --> 00:15:23,374
his night was about to become
even more confusing and cryptic.

193
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,374
(Max) : Hmm.

194
00:15:30,875 --> 00:15:38,749
He read Mary's letter four times
and then did what he normally did

195
00:15:38,791 --> 00:15:42,374
whenever confronted
with something new and stressful.

196
00:15:42,958 --> 00:15:45,374
(Mutters anxiously)

197
00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:50,457
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

198
00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:59,499
Max's fragile existence
had once again become unsettled.

199
00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:03,415
And after staring out of the window
for 1 8 hours

200
00:16:03,416 --> 00:16:05,582
he finally made a decision.

201
00:16:05,583 --> 00:16:07,582
(Takes a deep breath)

202
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:16,832
('Typewriter music' plays quickly
in time with Max's typing)

203
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,249
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

204
00:16:30,250 --> 00:16:34,624
thank you for the letter,
which l opened and read at 9.1 7pm

205
00:16:34,625 --> 00:16:39,624
after my Overeaters Anonymous class.

206
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,540
l am trying to lose weight

207
00:16:41,541 --> 00:16:44,957
because my psychiatrist,
Dr Bernard Hazelhof,

208
00:16:44,958 --> 00:16:48,624
says a healthy body
equals a healthy mind.

209
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,749
Ooooh!

210
00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:54,749
He says my mind is not that healthy.

211
00:16:54,791 --> 00:17:00,290
Your drawing is an interesting
visual portrayal of yourself.

212
00:17:00,291 --> 00:17:03,332
l have never met anyone from Australia.

213
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:06,415
Firstly, l will answer your question.

214
00:17:09,333 --> 00:17:14,624
Unfortunately, in America,
babies are not found in cola cans.

215
00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:17,457
l asked my mother when l was four

216
00:17:17,458 --> 00:17:22,874
and she said they came from eggs
laid by rabbis.

217
00:17:22,916 --> 00:17:26,415
lf you aren't Jewish,
they're laid by Catholic nuns.

218
00:17:26,416 --> 00:17:31,415
lf you're an atheist,
they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

219
00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:35,415
So this is where babies come from
in America.

220
00:17:35,416 --> 00:17:37,832
l share my home with a fish,

221
00:17:37,833 --> 00:17:43,665
some snails, whom l have named
after famous scientists...

222
00:17:43,666 --> 00:17:48,290
(Bird squawks)
..a parakeet called Mr Biscuit

223
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,207
and, finally, a cat called Hal.

224
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:57,915
'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis,
from which he suffers.

225
00:17:57,916 --> 00:18:00,457
He followed me home
after a gang of children

226
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:02,582
shot his eye out with a beebee gun.

227
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:03,832
(Miaows meekly)

228
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,582
Do you have a pet kangaroo?

229
00:18:06,583 --> 00:18:10,790
When l was born, my father
left my mother and me on a kibbutz.

230
00:18:10,791 --> 00:18:14,207
She shot herself with my uncle's gun
when l was six.

231
00:18:14,208 --> 00:18:16,207
(Gunshot)

232
00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,040
Do you like chocolate hotdogs?

233
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:23,207
l invented the recipe for them
and can send it to you.

234
00:18:23,208 --> 00:18:29,624
When l was young, l invented
an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.

235
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:32,832
My psychiatrist says
l don't need him anymore

236
00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:36,665
so he just sits in the corner and reads.

237
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,874
(Traffic noise)

238
00:18:40,875 --> 00:18:46,832
Last week l picked up
1 28 cigarette butts.

239
00:18:46,833 --> 00:18:49,957
People are always littering in New York.

240
00:18:49,958 --> 00:18:54,707
l do not understand
why people break laws.

241
00:18:54,708 --> 00:18:57,957
Butts are bad
because they wash out to sea

242
00:18:57,958 --> 00:19:03,290
and fish smoke them
and become nicotine dependent.

243
00:19:03,291 --> 00:19:06,874
l am just joking because, of course,

244
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:11,915
it is impossible for a cigarette
to remain lit underwater.

245
00:19:11,916 --> 00:19:16,624
Also, fish do not have pockets
to keep cigarette lighters in.

246
00:19:18,416 --> 00:19:20,540
(Max farts)

247
00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,790
l am 44 years old

248
00:19:23,791 --> 00:19:27,457
and have 8 tracksuits
the same colour and size.

249
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:30,790
(Scales rattle)

250
00:19:30,791 --> 00:19:33,207
l weigh 352 lb...

251
00:19:33,208 --> 00:19:35,290
Ooooh!

252
00:19:35,291 --> 00:19:37,957
..and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.

253
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,540
(TV): Welcome to the New York Lottery!

254
00:19:40,541 --> 00:19:42,290
l enjoy entering the lottery

255
00:19:42,333 --> 00:19:46,082
and have chosen the same numbers
for 9 years.

256
00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:49,165
Those numbers are 3...
(TV): 1 .

257
00:19:49,166 --> 00:19:51,249
5...
(TV): 4.

258
00:19:51,250 --> 00:19:53,290
6...
(TV): 25.

259
00:19:53,291 --> 00:19:54,957
9...
(TV): 2.

260
00:19:54,958 --> 00:19:56,499
1 1 ...
(TV): 7.

261
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,790
And 1 2.
(TV): 8.

262
00:19:58,791 --> 00:20:00,915
(Applause on TV, Max sighs)

263
00:20:00,958 --> 00:20:03,165
Are you a winner?

264
00:20:03,166 --> 00:20:04,957
Or a loser?

265
00:20:04,958 --> 00:20:08,290
l have had many different jobs
during my life.

266
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:14,290
My first job was collecting
subway tokens in the subway.

267
00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:17,790
My second job was at Yiddel's
Gourmet Kosher Supplies

268
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:22,540
where l worked at the machine
that made pre-packaged noodle kugels.

269
00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:26,290
l was born Jewish
and used to believe in God

270
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:27,957
but l've since read many books

271
00:20:27,958 --> 00:20:32,540
that have proven God
is just a figment of my imagination.

272
00:20:32,541 --> 00:20:36,457
People like to believe in God because
it answers complicated questions

273
00:20:36,458 --> 00:20:40,040
like where did the universe come from,

274
00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,290
do worms go to heaven...

275
00:20:41,291 --> 00:20:42,874
do worms go to heaven...
(Squish)

276
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:46,040
..and why do old ladies have blue hair?

277
00:20:46,083 --> 00:20:47,957
Even though l'm an atheist,

278
00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:52,499
l still wear my yarmulke
as it keeps my brain warm.

279
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:58,957
My third job was for a company
that printed logos on novelty items.

280
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:02,374
l worked at the frisbee printing machine.
(Machine creaks and squelches)

281
00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:07,957
A frisbee is a circular plastic disc
that people throw at each other.

282
00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:09,790
lt is like a boomerang

283
00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:13,832
but it does not come back.

284
00:21:14,958 --> 00:21:18,874
My fourth job was when
l was called up for jury duty.

285
00:21:18,875 --> 00:21:24,540
l didn't get paid much
but got free cookies and coffee.

286
00:21:24,541 --> 00:21:28,165
Jurors are outstanding members
of the community

287
00:21:28,208 --> 00:21:31,040
who haven't murdered anybody.

288
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,749
l made it to the short list

289
00:21:32,750 --> 00:21:36,290
for a trial where a man
killed all his friends

290
00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:39,415
at his own surprise birthday party.

291
00:21:39,416 --> 00:21:43,249
Unfortunately, l didn't get selected
because they found out

292
00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,790
l'd been a mental patient at one point.

293
00:21:45,791 --> 00:21:47,040
(Pop!)

294
00:21:47,041 --> 00:21:49,790
Have you ever been hang gliding?

295
00:21:49,791 --> 00:21:53,457
My fifth job was as a garbage collector.

296
00:21:53,458 --> 00:21:58,290
l got to clean up after litterbugs
and didn't have to talk to anybody.

297
00:21:58,291 --> 00:22:02,040
Sometimes l used to pretend
l was an intergalactical robot.

298
00:22:02,041 --> 00:22:04,124
(Makes robotic sounds)

299
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,290
(Operator): This is 91 1 .
¤our call has been placed in a queue.

300
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:19,457
One time the police took me in
for questioning

301
00:22:19,458 --> 00:22:23,165
but let me go when they decided
l wasn't a threat to anybody

302
00:22:23,166 --> 00:22:25,249
except myself.

303
00:22:25,250 --> 00:22:27,499
(Loud military brass band)

304
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:33,290
The sixth job l had
was for the United States Army

305
00:22:33,291 --> 00:22:36,957
in the stationery supply department. (Sighs)

306
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,957
Because l am good with numbers

307
00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:43,290
l had to work out how many
ballpoint pens the Army needed.

308
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,582
One day they did a security check

309
00:22:45,583 --> 00:22:49,540
and asked whether l was a member
of any radical groups.

310
00:22:49,541 --> 00:22:53,999
l told them l was a member of
the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.

311
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:59,082
They said this didn't count
but dismissed me anyway.

312
00:22:59,083 --> 00:23:04,540
Fortunately, l did not remember
to tell them l was once a communist.

313
00:23:04,541 --> 00:23:07,040
Have you ever been a communist?

314
00:23:07,875 --> 00:23:12,415
Have you ever been attacked by a crow
or similar large bird?

315
00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:15,290
When l was 9, a crow attacked me
on my way to school.

316
00:23:15,291 --> 00:23:17,749
(Max gasps, crow caws)

317
00:23:20,541 --> 00:23:24,040
l had to have three stitches

318
00:23:24,041 --> 00:23:28,374
and in spring l now wear a helmet
with eyes l have painted on.

319
00:23:28,416 --> 00:23:31,332
People laugh at me
when l wear my helmet.

320
00:23:31,333 --> 00:23:33,665
(Man laughs)
l'm not sure why.

321
00:23:33,666 --> 00:23:38,457
People often confuse me
but l try not to let them worry me.

322
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:40,957
(Traffic noise)

323
00:23:41,041 --> 00:23:44,457
New York is a very busy
and noisy place.

324
00:23:44,458 --> 00:23:47,040
l would prefer to live
somewhere much quieter

325
00:23:47,041 --> 00:23:49,499
like the moon.

326
00:23:49,541 --> 00:23:55,749
l don't like crowds, bright lights,
sudden noises or strong smells.

327
00:23:55,750 --> 00:23:58,582
New York has all these

328
00:23:58,583 --> 00:24:00,374
especially the smells.

329
00:24:00,375 --> 00:24:01,665
(Max inhales)

330
00:24:01,666 --> 00:24:05,332
l often wear nose and ear plugs
when l go outside.

331
00:24:05,333 --> 00:24:08,665
lt helps keep me calm.

332
00:24:08,666 --> 00:24:14,374
l find humans interesting
but l have trouble understanding them.

333
00:24:14,416 --> 00:24:19,499
l think, however,
l will understand and trust you.

334
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:25,874
You appear very happy and l think
you would smell like a shrimp

335
00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:29,290
as l know Australia
has a lot of shrimps.

336
00:24:31,333 --> 00:24:33,082
Can you speed-read?

337
00:24:33,125 --> 00:24:36,499
l have taught myself to read
two pages at once -

338
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:39,790
one eyeball per page.

339
00:24:39,791 --> 00:24:41,124
l have to go now

340
00:24:41,125 --> 00:24:44,207
even though l have not told you
about my 7th job,

341
00:24:44,208 --> 00:24:47,082
in a condom factory.

342
00:24:47,125 --> 00:24:48,832
Write back soon.

343
00:24:48,833 --> 00:24:55,540
Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

344
00:24:55,541 --> 00:25:00,499
PS. Please find enclosed
a photo from one of those booths.

345
00:25:00,500 --> 00:25:04,457
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe

346
00:25:04,458 --> 00:25:07,999
and l am glad you like chocolate
as much as l do.

347
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,957
l have never eaten
sweetened condensed milk

348
00:25:10,958 --> 00:25:14,207
but l will try some this week.

349
00:25:14,208 --> 00:25:18,999
PPPS. l have never used a condom.

350
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,124
Gey gezunterheyt.

351
00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:26,749
(Narrator): Max hoped
Mary would write again.

352
00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:29,790
He'd always wanted a friend.

353
00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:36,749
A friend that wasn't invisible,
a pet or rubber figurine.

354
00:25:36,750 --> 00:25:41,749
He counted the stars and wondered
how many days, hours, minutes

355
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:46,457
it would take his letter
to reach Australia.

356
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,249
(Frantic orchestral music)

357
00:25:51,250 --> 00:25:53,665
Vera was not impressed...

358
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:57,749
Aaaarrgh!

359
00:25:57,750 --> 00:26:01,207
..not impressed at all.

360
00:26:01,208 --> 00:26:07,207
This nutcase would not be
her daughter's penfriend, she thought.

361
00:26:07,250 --> 00:26:10,207
There was enough ugliness in the world.

362
00:26:10,208 --> 00:26:12,957
Mary would be home from school
in an hour -

363
00:26:12,958 --> 00:26:17,915
enough time for another cup of tea
and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves

364
00:26:17,916 --> 00:26:22,332
and dissolve the memory of Max's letter
from her pickled mind.

365
00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:27,124
(Radio) : Yeah, he's out.
Unbelievable. 1 4. England 7/1 50.

366
00:26:29,958 --> 00:26:33,082
(Truck whines and rumbles)

367
00:26:45,458 --> 00:26:49,374
(Dark, menacing music)

368
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,249
(Vera shouts) : Stop! Wait!

369
00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:06,249
Hey. fellas, you got room
for one more bag?

370
00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:09,999
Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in! (Laughs)

371
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,124
(Garbage man 2) : Good one. Kevin!

372
00:27:12,625 --> 00:27:14,999
Aaaarghhh!

373
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,457
(Thud! Men laugh)

374
00:27:19,458 --> 00:27:22,707
(Garbage man): Come on, Vera.
We've got some other bags to pick up!

375
00:27:27,250 --> 00:27:29,915
(Rippling piano and strings)

376
00:27:29,916 --> 00:27:33,499
Ooh. Hmm.

377
00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:40,374
Mary, is that all the rubbish?

378
00:27:40,375 --> 00:27:42,374
Yep!

379
00:27:42,375 --> 00:27:45,040
(Garbage man): See ya, Toots!

380
00:27:45,041 --> 00:27:47,457
(Vera): Sweet baby Jesus.

381
00:27:56,333 --> 00:27:58,749
(Thud!) Ooooah!

382
00:27:59,750 --> 00:28:01,624
(Rippling piano and strings)

383
00:28:01,625 --> 00:28:06,749
Even though Max's letter smelt
like fish heads and orange peel,

384
00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:10,957
Mary drank his words
like a bowl of alphabet soup

385
00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:13,249
and hadn't been this excited

386
00:28:13,250 --> 00:28:18,707
since Grandpoppy Ralph
had found a coin up her nose.

387
00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:20,374
She wrote back immediately

388
00:28:20,375 --> 00:28:24,957
on some butchers' paper
she'd stolen from some chops.

389
00:28:24,958 --> 00:28:29,082
(Mary): Dear Max,
l'm so excited you've wroted back.

390
00:28:29,083 --> 00:28:33,124
l don't think my parents like you
so from now on

391
00:28:33,125 --> 00:28:36,415
send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop

392
00:28:36,416 --> 00:28:41,582
at 26 Lamington Drive,
Mt Waverley.

393
00:28:41,666 --> 00:28:44,582
He's old with no legs.

394
00:28:44,583 --> 00:28:47,374
They got chew'd'ed off
in World War ll

395
00:28:47,375 --> 00:28:51,332
when some Japanese peoples
kept him in a cage above piranhas.

396
00:28:51,333 --> 00:28:53,332
(Screams)

397
00:28:53,333 --> 00:28:56,749
Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth.

398
00:28:58,458 --> 00:29:03,832
He's scared of outside,
which is a disease called homophobia.

399
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:06,249
(Magpie warbles, Len gasps)

400
00:29:06,250 --> 00:29:09,874
He's started giving me 50 cents a week
to get his mail.

401
00:29:09,875 --> 00:29:10,999
(Bagpipes play 'Scotland The Brave')

402
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:17,957
l'm saving to buy a castle in Scotland
and marry a man called Earl Grey.

403
00:29:17,958 --> 00:29:20,499
Do you get 'The Noblets' in America?

404
00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:24,499
Well, my favourite Noblet
is Vanity Noblet.

405
00:29:24,500 --> 00:29:30,374
He wants to be everyone's friend,
even the boys'!

406
00:29:30,375 --> 00:29:34,040
ln your letter, you said
you had no friends. (Munching)

407
00:29:34,083 --> 00:29:36,415
Well, neither do l.

408
00:29:36,416 --> 00:29:39,165
A-ha!

409
00:29:39,208 --> 00:29:43,207
Yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford
weed on my spam sandwich

410
00:29:43,291 --> 00:29:47,457
and called me 'poo face'
'cos of my birthmark.

411
00:29:47,458 --> 00:29:50,624
l wish l could peel it off like a bandaid.

412
00:29:50,625 --> 00:29:53,957
He also laughed
'cos l had no buttons.

413
00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,124
Ethel pecked them off

414
00:29:56,125 --> 00:30:00,707
and Mum couldn't thread a needle
'cos she'd been testing the sherry

415
00:30:00,708 --> 00:30:02,207
so she used pegs instead.

416
00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:05,499
(Lonely cello solo)

417
00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:12,082
When l got home, l climbed into
my secret place till dinner time.

418
00:30:12,125 --> 00:30:14,957
The other kids also laugh at my haircut.

419
00:30:14,958 --> 00:30:17,749
Dad has to cut my hair
because mum says

420
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,874
real hairdressers
sell your hair to Chinamen

421
00:30:20,875 --> 00:30:22,457
who stuff mattresses.

422
00:30:22,458 --> 00:30:24,957
(Shears chomp)

423
00:30:24,958 --> 00:30:28,957
My teacher, Mrs Pendergast,
says l should smile more.

424
00:30:28,958 --> 00:30:33,957
l told my mum
and so she drawed a big smile on me.

425
00:30:36,958 --> 00:30:39,957
l don't think Mrs Pendergast
likes me anymore.

426
00:30:39,958 --> 00:30:42,582
(Mary groans, children laugh)

427
00:30:42,583 --> 00:30:45,499
(Lonely cello and piano)

428
00:30:45,500 --> 00:30:50,332
l better go now.
My tears are smudgling my words.

429
00:30:50,333 --> 00:30:55,957
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle. (Sniffs)

430
00:30:55,958 --> 00:31:03,207
PS. Have you ever been teased?
Can you help me?

431
00:31:03,208 --> 00:31:09,749
PSS. l've never been hang gliding
before or been a 'commune-ist'

432
00:31:09,750 --> 00:31:14,957
but would love a frisbee
and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.

433
00:31:14,958 --> 00:31:22,124
PSSS. l'm sending you some
Australian chocolate, a pompom l made

434
00:31:22,125 --> 00:31:26,707
and a cake called a lamington,
which l was meant to eat for lunch.

435
00:31:31,708 --> 00:31:34,707
(Lonely cello and piano)

436
00:31:44,958 --> 00:31:47,457
(Fly buzzes)

437
00:31:48,458 --> 00:31:52,332
(Sad clarinet and orchestra)

438
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,332
(Max): Have you ever been teased?

439
00:31:56,208 --> 00:31:58,582
Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!

440
00:31:58,666 --> 00:32:00,665
(Narrator): Mary's letter
triggered memories

441
00:32:00,666 --> 00:32:04,374
Max had buried deep down in his shoes.

442
00:32:04,375 --> 00:32:08,790
(Bullies): We've got him cornered now.
Hey. Jew-boy, you're gonna pay...

443
00:32:09,458 --> 00:32:14,290
(Punching and groaning)
Take this, Jew-boy, Jew-boy, Jew-boy.

444
00:32:15,291 --> 00:32:16,957
(Max moans)

445
00:32:16,958 --> 00:32:21,207
And as usual,
he coped in the only way he knew.

446
00:32:21,708 --> 00:32:25,082
(Max moans gently)

447
00:32:31,208 --> 00:32:33,790
And 36 chocolate hotdogs later...

448
00:32:33,791 --> 00:32:34,957
(Max burps)

449
00:32:35,500 --> 00:32:39,040
..and after only two hours sleep,

450
00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:46,332
Max's meltdown faded away
and an idea popped into his brain.

451
00:32:46,333 --> 00:32:48,415
(Ting!)

452
00:32:48,416 --> 00:32:51,415
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

453
00:32:51,416 --> 00:32:57,374
thank you for your letter, chocolate bar,
lamington and pompom.

454
00:32:57,416 --> 00:33:01,790
The chocolate got crushed, so l blended
the bits with milk and icecream

455
00:33:01,833 --> 00:33:04,499
and now l am drinking it right now.

456
00:33:04,958 --> 00:33:07,499
(Slurps)

457
00:33:07,541 --> 00:33:11,915
After much thought, l think
l have a solution to your teasing.

458
00:33:11,916 --> 00:33:14,082
Tell Bernie Clifford
your birthmark is made of chocolate,

459
00:33:16,916 --> 00:33:19,040
which means when you get to heaven

460
00:33:19,041 --> 00:33:22,707
you will be in charge
of all the chocolate.

461
00:33:22,708 --> 00:33:26,499
This of course is a lie -
l do not like lies -

462
00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:30,415
but in this case
l think it will be of benefit.

463
00:33:30,458 --> 00:33:34,374
l wish l could be in charge
of all the chocolate

464
00:33:34,375 --> 00:33:39,082
but, of course, l cannot
because of my atheism. (Pop!)

465
00:33:41,166 --> 00:33:43,915
My neighbour lvy is also an atheist.
(Water bubbles)

466
00:33:43,958 --> 00:33:50,415
She doesn't talk much but makes me
very good soup on Sunday nights.

467
00:33:50,416 --> 00:33:52,457
She is partly blind

468
00:33:52,458 --> 00:33:57,165
and sometimes l find her hair
in my soup. Eeugh!

469
00:33:57,166 --> 00:34:04,665
l do not tell her as Dr Bernard Hazelhof
says this would be (farts) impolite.

470
00:34:04,666 --> 00:34:08,332
Here is a list of what l eat
on the other nights.

471
00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:10,707
Mondays - Glicks Potato Knish,

472
00:34:10,708 --> 00:34:13,832
Tuesdays - Yiddels Noodle Kugel,

473
00:34:13,833 --> 00:34:17,207
Wednesdays -
Captain Salty's Fishstix,

474
00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:19,957
Thursdays - Yentls Cheezy Blintz

475
00:34:19,958 --> 00:34:23,415
and Fridays - chicken nuggets.

476
00:34:23,458 --> 00:34:26,999
On Saturday nights
l create my own recipes.

477
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:31,540
Last week l invented
canned spaghetti hamburgers.

478
00:34:31,541 --> 00:34:34,957
Recipes are like
mathematical equations.

479
00:34:34,958 --> 00:34:41,915
Dr Bernard Hazelhof told me you should
never weigh more than your refrigerator

480
00:34:41,916 --> 00:34:46,832
and to never eat
anything bigger than your head.

481
00:34:46,833 --> 00:34:50,790
l once ate a watermelon
bigger than my head

482
00:34:50,875 --> 00:34:53,832
but not all at once.

483
00:34:53,875 --> 00:34:57,707
Do you have
any weight loss suggestions?

484
00:34:57,708 --> 00:35:00,832
My Overeaters Anonymous meetings
don't seem to be working

485
00:35:00,833 --> 00:35:03,957
and just make me tense.

486
00:35:03,958 --> 00:35:05,999
(Groans anxiously)

487
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,749
(Slurps loudly)

488
00:35:10,458 --> 00:35:13,790
lt would be good
if there was a 'Fat Fairy' .

489
00:35:13,791 --> 00:35:15,540
(Snores)

490
00:35:15,583 --> 00:35:20,249
She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy
but would suck out your fat.

491
00:35:23,958 --> 00:35:25,165
(Water bubbling)

492
00:35:25,166 --> 00:35:30,999
lvy says she is only a 'little bit' blind
but l think she is very blind.

493
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,874
She should get a cane
like other vision-impaired people.

494
00:35:35,791 --> 00:35:38,374
She could make the end pointy
(Ching!)

495
00:35:38,375 --> 00:35:40,915
and collect rubbish at the same time.

496
00:35:42,291 --> 00:35:46,207
l think l will write a letter to the Mayor
and suggest this.

497
00:35:46,208 --> 00:35:49,915
He will be very impressed.

498
00:35:49,916 --> 00:35:55,249
lvy says she doesn't need a cane
because she has a good sense of smell.

499
00:35:55,250 --> 00:35:57,124
(lvy sniffs)

500
00:35:57,125 --> 00:36:02,415
She says she could find me
with her eyes stapled shut.

501
00:36:02,416 --> 00:36:06,915
She says l smell like liquorice
and old books.

502
00:36:07,375 --> 00:36:10,249
(Crash!)

503
00:36:10,875 --> 00:36:16,374
l think she smells like cough medicine
and urine.

504
00:36:16,375 --> 00:36:18,332
l have never told her this

505
00:36:18,333 --> 00:36:23,832
as Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
this would also be impolite.

506
00:36:23,833 --> 00:36:25,790
(Lift bell dings, lift doors clank shut)

507
00:36:27,958 --> 00:36:30,499
People often think
l am tactless and rude.

508
00:36:30,916 --> 00:36:33,832
(Farts)

509
00:36:33,833 --> 00:36:40,165
l cannot understand
how being honest can be...improper.

510
00:36:40,208 --> 00:36:45,957
Maybe this is why
l don't have any friends

511
00:36:45,958 --> 00:36:47,832
of course except for you.

512
00:36:48,916 --> 00:36:52,207
A real friend has been
one of my three goals in life.

513
00:36:52,208 --> 00:36:54,207
(Bubbles pop, satisfied groan)

514
00:36:54,208 --> 00:37:00,624
The other two are to own every Noblet
and a lifetime supply of chocolate.

515
00:37:02,708 --> 00:37:07,207
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
it is good to have goals

516
00:37:07,208 --> 00:37:12,332
but not stupid ones like mine.

517
00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,707
l have now run out of things to tell you.

518
00:37:17,791 --> 00:37:19,915
Please, write soon.

519
00:37:19,916 --> 00:37:25,957
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

520
00:37:25,958 --> 00:37:30,374
PS. Do not worry about not smiling.

521
00:37:30,375 --> 00:37:32,957
My mouth hardly ever smiles

522
00:37:32,958 --> 00:37:37,749
but it does not mean
l am not smiling inside my brain.

523
00:37:37,750 --> 00:37:39,749
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

524
00:37:39,750 --> 00:37:44,165
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee,

525
00:37:44,166 --> 00:37:47,499
some Chocolate Pop Rocks,
which you should eat with cola,

526
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:53,540
and an illustration of a turtle
from one of my National Geographics.

527
00:37:53,583 --> 00:37:59,124
PPPS. Did you know that turtles
can breathe through their anuses?

528
00:38:01,416 --> 00:38:03,415
(Quirky strings)

529
00:38:03,458 --> 00:38:05,332
Dear Max,

530
00:38:05,333 --> 00:38:07,374
when l told Bernie Clifford

531
00:38:07,375 --> 00:38:11,290
l'll be in charge of all the chocolate
in heaven and he wouldn't get any,

532
00:38:11,291 --> 00:38:12,749
he cried.

533
00:38:12,750 --> 00:38:14,415
(Wails)

534
00:38:14,416 --> 00:38:19,957
l also hide'd some dog's poo
in his bit of the sandpit.

535
00:38:19,958 --> 00:38:24,249
Your advice was great
and l've got a job delivering pamphlets

536
00:38:24,333 --> 00:38:27,540
so l can save to come and see you.

537
00:38:27,541 --> 00:38:29,665
l am sad to hear you are fat.

538
00:38:29,666 --> 00:38:34,082
Mum says l am fat too
and l'm growing up to be a heifer,

539
00:38:34,083 --> 00:38:37,957
which l think is a type of cow.

540
00:38:37,958 --> 00:38:42,415
Maybe you should only eat things
beginning with the letter of each day.

541
00:38:42,458 --> 00:38:44,957
On Mondays you could only eat

542
00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,707
milkshakes, marshmallows
and...mustard.

543
00:38:50,708 --> 00:38:52,332
Oooh!

544
00:38:52,333 --> 00:38:55,957
(High rippling piano, pizzicato strings)

545
00:38:55,958 --> 00:39:00,624
For my birthday, my Mum baked a cake
and Dad gave me a camera.

546
00:39:00,625 --> 00:39:02,207
(Camera clicks)

547
00:39:02,291 --> 00:39:05,249
l hope you like the photos l sent.

548
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,707
The first one is of Ethel,
who ate some tinsel.

549
00:39:08,708 --> 00:39:11,332
The next one is one of myself

550
00:39:11,333 --> 00:39:16,499
after l ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks
with the cola, like you said.

551
00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:18,540
Next is Len.

552
00:39:18,541 --> 00:39:25,040
He's still trying hard not to be afraid of outside
and conquer his homophobia.

553
00:39:25,125 --> 00:39:28,499
(Len screams, dog barks, pole clangs)

554
00:39:28,500 --> 00:39:32,207
The next one is of dad in his shed,

555
00:39:32,208 --> 00:39:35,499
and then one of the times
l covered mum

556
00:39:35,500 --> 00:39:39,624
while she was asleep in her stickers
that help her stop smoking.

557
00:39:39,625 --> 00:39:43,999
Next, when l got my slinky
caught in my hair.

558
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:48,957
Then one of the times
Sonny digged up his wife, Cher.

559
00:39:48,958 --> 00:39:55,749
And, finally, a photo of my other neighbour
Damian Popodopolous.

560
00:39:55,791 --> 00:39:59,957
He's a Greek and smells like
lemon dishwashing liquid

561
00:39:59,958 --> 00:40:05,374
and his skin is smooth,
like the back of a spoon.

562
00:40:05,375 --> 00:40:11,582
Mum says he's a wog and has a stutter
and can't even say his own surname.

563
00:40:11,583 --> 00:40:13,332
(He stutters)

564
00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:16,874
She says you have to hit him
on the back of the head

565
00:40:16,875 --> 00:40:18,249
to get his words out.

566
00:40:18,291 --> 00:40:20,207
P-P-P-P...Popodopolous.

567
00:40:20,250 --> 00:40:24,582
l wish he was my boyfriend
and we can be in love and do sexing

568
00:40:24,583 --> 00:40:27,457
like Katherine Ramsay told me
behind the bike shed.

569
00:40:27,958 --> 00:40:30,749
She said it's when two people go 'nuddy'

570
00:40:30,750 --> 00:40:33,332
and rub on each other to make babies.
(Squeaking)

571
00:40:34,333 --> 00:40:39,082
l told her she's a liar
and would go to hell and burn like toast

572
00:40:39,083 --> 00:40:41,957
'cos babies really come
from beer glasses

573
00:40:41,958 --> 00:40:46,332
and eggs laid by rabbits
and nuns and 'prosti-tubes'.

574
00:40:46,375 --> 00:40:48,415
She said ladies get knocked up

575
00:40:48,416 --> 00:40:51,582
and bake babies in their stomachs
for 2 years

576
00:40:51,583 --> 00:40:55,374
till they spurt out their 'vag-eye-ners'
with blood and tinned spaghetti.

577
00:40:56,583 --> 00:40:59,832
Have you got a girlfriend, Max,
or some wives?

578
00:40:59,833 --> 00:41:02,332
Have you done sexing?

579
00:41:02,333 --> 00:41:03,749
Valentine's Day is soon

580
00:41:03,750 --> 00:41:08,874
and l want to give Damian a present
so he can love me.

581
00:41:08,958 --> 00:41:12,040
Can you explain love
and how l can be 'lover'd'?

582
00:41:12,041 --> 00:41:14,332
(Max screams)

583
00:41:14,333 --> 00:41:17,957
(Narrator): Once again, Mary's letter
had triggered an anxiety attack.

584
00:41:17,958 --> 00:41:19,415
(Heartbeat)

585
00:41:19,416 --> 00:41:21,582
Max knew nothing about love.

586
00:41:21,583 --> 00:41:25,540
lt was as foreign to him as scuba diving

587
00:41:25,541 --> 00:41:29,665
and he'd had an appalling history
of getting it all wrong.

588
00:41:30,541 --> 00:41:32,165
One Valentine's Day

589
00:41:32,166 --> 00:41:37,457
he'd given Zelda Glutnik a gift
he was sure was appropriate.

590
00:41:39,500 --> 00:41:41,749
(Zelda screams)

591
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:47,165
The only companion (swallows)
that had ever warmed Max's bed

592
00:41:47,208 --> 00:41:49,332
was his hot water bottle.

593
00:41:50,958 --> 00:41:52,082
Romance and love

594
00:41:52,083 --> 00:41:55,374
was a mysterious language
he'd given up on.

595
00:41:56,083 --> 00:41:59,290
lf only Mary had asked
how a toaster works

596
00:41:59,291 --> 00:42:02,832
or asked for an explanation
of the Chaos theory.

597
00:42:02,875 --> 00:42:07,374
lf only there was
a mathematical equation for love.

598
00:42:08,958 --> 00:42:12,790
He kept eating and thinking.

599
00:42:17,750 --> 00:42:20,749
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

600
00:42:23,541 --> 00:42:26,749
(Kissing)

601
00:42:27,750 --> 00:42:33,790
But love was not like Max's Rubik's Cube.
lt could not be solved.

602
00:42:33,791 --> 00:42:37,374
No matter how he analysed it,
the results were negative.

603
00:42:37,791 --> 00:42:39,624
Beat it, creep!

604
00:42:39,666 --> 00:42:43,040
He felt love but couldn't articulate it.

605
00:42:43,041 --> 00:42:47,457
lts logic was as foreign to him as...
as a salad sandwich.

606
00:42:49,708 --> 00:42:51,957
The stars made more sense.

607
00:42:56,791 --> 00:42:59,124
(Sirens wail)

608
00:42:59,125 --> 00:43:02,374
(Radio) : 1 2, have you responded
to the call? Over.

609
00:43:02,375 --> 00:43:05,790
The anxiety and stress were too much.

610
00:43:05,791 --> 00:43:11,915
The inscrutability of love finally won,
and Max's brain gave in.

611
00:43:21,083 --> 00:43:24,624
He was diagnosed
with severe depression and obesity

612
00:43:24,625 --> 00:43:30,165
and spent the next 8 months
institutionalised and bedridden.

613
00:43:30,291 --> 00:43:33,540
They marinated him
in a cocktail of drugs

614
00:43:33,541 --> 00:43:37,249
and performed
the usual 'therapeutic' procedures.

615
00:43:37,291 --> 00:43:40,249
(Electricity buzzes, Max gurgles)

616
00:43:42,666 --> 00:43:46,249
Meanwhile, Mary wondered and waited.

617
00:43:46,250 --> 00:43:47,999
(Lonely cello and piano)

618
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,124
Maybe Max's typewriter
had run out of ink.

619
00:43:51,416 --> 00:43:54,999
Maybe America had run out of ink.

620
00:43:55,583 --> 00:43:57,999
Maybe his pets had eaten him.

621
00:43:59,250 --> 00:44:01,665
Maybe it was her.

622
00:44:01,708 --> 00:44:06,290
Was she too demanding,
too boring, too...ugly?

623
00:44:08,291 --> 00:44:11,332
(Lonely cello and piano)

624
00:44:14,416 --> 00:44:18,415
Filled with anger, confusion
and self-loathing,

625
00:44:18,458 --> 00:44:23,332
Mary tried to erase
the memory of her friend forever.

626
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,999
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

627
00:44:40,875 --> 00:44:42,999
(Toilet flushes)

628
00:44:52,541 --> 00:44:54,415
(Knock at door)

629
00:44:57,708 --> 00:45:00,457
(Knocking gets louder)

630
00:45:03,291 --> 00:45:04,707
(Groaning)

631
00:45:06,875 --> 00:45:09,249
(Cat miaows meekly)

632
00:45:12,666 --> 00:45:13,957
Max had recovered.

633
00:45:13,958 --> 00:45:18,874
And life was balanced, safe
and symmetrical once again.

634
00:45:21,625 --> 00:45:26,124
But Mary still lingered in his mind.
(Sighs)

635
00:45:26,166 --> 00:45:28,957
Half of him wanted to write to her immediately.

636
00:45:28,958 --> 00:45:33,457
The other half didn't want to end up
a mental patient again.

637
00:45:33,458 --> 00:45:38,540
At least there was always Mr Ravioli
to be friends with.

638
00:45:38,541 --> 00:45:41,582
He was a much safer option.

639
00:45:42,583 --> 00:45:46,540
He wondered what Mary was doing
right now.

640
00:45:47,458 --> 00:45:50,207
But she was far from content

641
00:45:50,208 --> 00:45:56,332
and struggled on by herself,
saving her money for a rainy day.

642
00:45:58,333 --> 00:46:01,290
(Soprano, twinkling piano)

643
00:46:03,833 --> 00:46:06,040
Life went on as usual for Max

644
00:46:06,041 --> 00:46:09,957
and even though he opted
for order and stability,

645
00:46:09,958 --> 00:46:13,415
misfortune was never far away.

646
00:46:14,208 --> 00:46:17,082
(Spluttering and cracking)

647
00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:20,457
(Loud rushing noise)

648
00:46:20,458 --> 00:46:23,165
(Silence)

649
00:46:23,166 --> 00:46:24,957
(Loud rushing noise)

650
00:46:24,958 --> 00:46:27,207
(Silence)

651
00:46:27,250 --> 00:46:28,832
(Loud rushing noise)

652
00:46:28,833 --> 00:46:30,957
(Silence)

653
00:46:36,875 --> 00:46:39,165
(Loud crash)

654
00:46:42,708 --> 00:46:46,707
Luckily, his manslaughter charges
were dismissed (Gavel taps)

655
00:46:46,708 --> 00:46:49,665
because he was labelled
mentally deficient

656
00:46:49,666 --> 00:46:53,874
and unlikely to have a motive
for killing a mime artist...

657
00:46:53,875 --> 00:46:55,040
Oop.

658
00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:56,707
..unlike most people.

659
00:46:58,500 --> 00:47:02,082
From then on,
Max cooled himself differently

660
00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:04,624
and things went back to normal

661
00:47:04,625 --> 00:47:10,582
until after his 48th birthday,
when his numbers finally came up.

662
00:47:10,583 --> 00:47:12,957
(TV announcer): Welcome
to the New York Lottery

663
00:47:12,958 --> 00:47:15,165
and these are tonight's
winning numbers -

664
00:47:15,166 --> 00:47:18,457
3, 5,

665
00:47:18,458 --> 00:47:24,457
6, 9,

666
00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:30,457
1 1 and 1 2!

667
00:47:30,875 --> 00:47:34,165
(Joyous choral and orchestral music)

668
00:48:08,458 --> 00:48:10,457
(Light pings off, door slams closed)

669
00:48:12,083 --> 00:48:14,040
Max was sensible
with his sudden wealth

670
00:48:14,041 --> 00:48:17,332
and had bought a lifetime supply
of chocolate

671
00:48:17,333 --> 00:48:20,415
and the complete Noblet collection.

672
00:48:20,416 --> 00:48:22,874
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)

673
00:48:24,625 --> 00:48:28,082
Two of his life goals had come true.

674
00:48:28,125 --> 00:48:31,082
But he still had a lot of money

675
00:48:31,083 --> 00:48:33,540
so decided to give it to lvy...

676
00:48:33,541 --> 00:48:34,832
(Cash register chings)

677
00:48:34,916 --> 00:48:38,124
..who was also very sensible...

678
00:48:39,875 --> 00:48:43,082
(Comical '60s-style' music)

679
00:48:44,500 --> 00:48:47,582
(Bones crack, she groans)

680
00:48:47,583 --> 00:48:50,624
(Drill whines, hammering)

681
00:48:55,083 --> 00:48:57,457
(Satisfied farting sounds)

682
00:49:06,208 --> 00:49:08,915
(Engines backfire and splutter)

683
00:49:11,791 --> 00:49:15,874
..until her own numbers came up.

684
00:49:24,375 --> 00:49:28,374
lvy willed everything
to the local cat shelter,

685
00:49:28,375 --> 00:49:33,540
whose owner relocated
her kind donation to his bank account,

686
00:49:33,541 --> 00:49:39,999
his wife's new breasts, a Ferrari
and enough fuel to get to Mexico.

687
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,999
(Engine revs)

688
00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:44,874
(Musical horn)

689
00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:51,874
Despite achieving all his life's goals,

690
00:49:51,875 --> 00:49:56,332
Max still felt incomplete.
(Sighs)

691
00:49:56,333 --> 00:49:59,915
Mr Ravioli just wasn't
cutting the mustard anymore

692
00:49:59,916 --> 00:50:05,082
and seemed more interested
in his self-help books.

693
00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,582
Mary had given Max
a taste of real friendship

694
00:50:08,583 --> 00:50:12,082
and there was just no comparison.

695
00:50:12,750 --> 00:50:14,915
She missed him too

696
00:50:14,916 --> 00:50:17,874
but no longer saved to see him.
(Aah!)

697
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:22,957
(Coin clinks) She now saved
for a different reason.

698
00:50:25,125 --> 00:50:28,624
(Quiet, jazzy Russian folk music)

699
00:50:32,875 --> 00:50:38,540
One day Mr Ravioli got up,
left and never came back.

700
00:50:39,916 --> 00:50:41,790
(Whistling, thud!)
(Hisses)

701
00:50:42,500 --> 00:50:45,957
Max sought Dr Hazelhof's advice.

702
00:50:45,958 --> 00:50:47,374
(Speaks incoherently)

703
00:50:47,416 --> 00:50:52,499
He told Max that true friendship
is seen through the heart,

704
00:50:52,500 --> 00:50:54,499
not through the eyes,

705
00:50:54,500 --> 00:51:02,499
and that it was time he wrote to Mary
to reveal his true self, warts and all.

706
00:51:02,541 --> 00:51:05,540
Max understood.
(Sighs)

707
00:51:09,666 --> 00:51:14,290
(City sounds of roadworks
and pigeons)

708
00:51:22,958 --> 00:51:25,790
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

709
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:28,415
there is something l have to tell you

710
00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:32,374
which will explain
why l have not written.

711
00:51:32,375 --> 00:51:38,957
Each time l received one of your letters,
l had a severe anxiety attack.

712
00:51:38,958 --> 00:51:43,624
This is because recently,
while l was in a mental institution,

713
00:51:43,625 --> 00:51:50,540
they diagnosed that l have a new thing
called Asperger's syndrome,

714
00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:57,915
which is a neurobiological,
pervasive, developmental disability.

715
00:51:57,916 --> 00:52:01,624
l prefer 'Aspie' for short.

716
00:52:01,625 --> 00:52:05,582
l will now list some of the traits
of an Aspie.

717
00:52:05,583 --> 00:52:07,499
(Camera clicks)

718
00:52:08,083 --> 00:52:13,040
No.1 - l find the world
very confusing and chaotic

719
00:52:13,041 --> 00:52:18,415
because my mind
is very literal and logical.

720
00:52:18,416 --> 00:52:21,665
(Train rattles)

721
00:52:21,708 --> 00:52:28,124
2 - l have trouble understanding
the expressions on people's faces.

722
00:52:28,166 --> 00:52:36,582
When l was younger, l made a book
to help me when l was confused.

723
00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,374
(Slap!)

724
00:52:39,375 --> 00:52:42,915
l still have trouble with some people.

725
00:52:42,958 --> 00:52:46,249
lvy was hard to understand
because of her wrinkles

726
00:52:46,250 --> 00:52:49,874
and because her eyebrows weren't real.

727
00:52:51,041 --> 00:52:53,540
3 - l have bad handwriting,

728
00:52:53,541 --> 00:52:56,540
am hypersensitive...
(Phone rings, Max gasps)

729
00:52:56,541 --> 00:52:59,249
..clumsy

730
00:52:59,291 --> 00:53:02,832
and can get very concerned.
(Anxious murmuring)

731
00:53:06,333 --> 00:53:14,124
4 - l like solving problems.
lvy said this is a good thing.

732
00:53:14,250 --> 00:53:15,915
(Camera clicks)

733
00:53:16,708 --> 00:53:21,999
And finally No.5 -
l have trouble expressing my emotions.

734
00:53:22,000 --> 00:53:27,249
Dr Bernard Hazelhof says
my brain is defective

735
00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:32,957
but one day there will be a cure
for my disability.

736
00:53:32,958 --> 00:53:35,457
l do not like it when he says this.

737
00:53:35,458 --> 00:53:40,540
l do not feel disabled, defective
or l need to be cured.

738
00:53:40,541 --> 00:53:43,582
l like being an Aspie.

739
00:53:43,666 --> 00:53:47,957
lt would be like trying to change
the colour of my eyes.

740
00:53:49,708 --> 00:53:53,832
There is one thing
l wish l could change, however.

741
00:53:53,833 --> 00:53:55,540
(Toilet flushes)

742
00:53:55,541 --> 00:53:58,165
l wish l could cry properly.

743
00:53:58,166 --> 00:54:00,665
(He groans softly)

744
00:54:00,666 --> 00:54:06,040
l squeeze and squeeze
but nothing...(he groans)...comes out.

745
00:54:06,041 --> 00:54:09,540
l cry when l cut onions
but this does not count.

746
00:54:09,541 --> 00:54:12,457
Anyway, do you like the word
'cumquat'?

747
00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:14,582
lt is a type of fruit.

748
00:54:14,583 --> 00:54:17,457
Do you have
a favourite-sounding word?

749
00:54:17,500 --> 00:54:21,415
My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee,

750
00:54:21,416 --> 00:54:24,790
Vladivostok, banana

751
00:54:24,791 --> 00:54:26,790
and testicle.

752
00:54:28,541 --> 00:54:32,665
l have also invented some new words -

753
00:54:32,708 --> 00:54:40,165
'confuzzled', which is being confused
and puzzled at the same time,

754
00:54:40,208 --> 00:54:45,040
'snirt', which is a cross between
snow and dirt,

755
00:54:45,041 --> 00:54:47,540
and 'smushables' ...
(Grumbles)

756
00:54:47,541 --> 00:54:53,165
..which are squashed groceries
you find at the bottom of the bag.

757
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:57,207
l have sent a letter
to the Oxford Dictionary people

758
00:54:57,208 --> 00:55:00,665
asking them to include my words

759
00:55:00,666 --> 00:55:03,999
but l have not heard back.

760
00:55:04,000 --> 00:55:08,499
lt is now time for me to go
to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

761
00:55:08,500 --> 00:55:12,082
There is a woman there
called Marjorie Buttersworth

762
00:55:12,083 --> 00:55:14,582
who confuzzles me.

763
00:55:14,625 --> 00:55:18,665
She kisses me without my permission

764
00:55:18,666 --> 00:55:25,582
so tonight l have decided to rub onions
under my armpits to repel her.

765
00:55:25,666 --> 00:55:30,707
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

766
00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,624
PS. Please find enclosed

767
00:55:37,625 --> 00:55:41,582
some chocolate-covered ants
l found at the deli.

768
00:55:42,791 --> 00:55:46,957
PPS. Not much has happened
since l last wrote

769
00:55:46,958 --> 00:55:53,582
except for my manslaughter charges,
lotto win and lvy's death.

770
00:55:56,958 --> 00:56:00,374
(Narrator): Mary was thrilled
Max had finally written

771
00:56:00,375 --> 00:56:03,165
and suddenly had a fabulous idea.

772
00:56:03,166 --> 00:56:05,165
A-ha! (Ting!)

773
00:56:09,958 --> 00:56:13,457
(Rippling piano and strings)

774
00:56:23,958 --> 00:56:25,957
(Lawnmower drones,
cat miaows)

775
00:56:29,416 --> 00:56:32,499
(Mary cries)

776
00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:42,832
Mary and Max's friendship
was resuscitated

777
00:56:42,875 --> 00:56:48,082
and her tears were the best gift
he'd ever received.

778
00:56:48,083 --> 00:56:52,457
lnside Max's head
his brain was smiling.

779
00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:56,624
Loaded up with bizarre forms
of chocolate,

780
00:56:56,625 --> 00:57:01,165
their letters flew thick and fast
between the continents.

781
00:57:01,166 --> 00:57:04,582
Max learnt to read Mary's letters
with caution

782
00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:08,707
and at the slightest tingle of tension,
he would stop,

783
00:57:08,750 --> 00:57:12,582
take his medication
and soothe his nerves.

784
00:57:12,625 --> 00:57:18,624
Each letter he would iron, laminate
and file in a special place,

785
00:57:18,625 --> 00:57:21,874
which also soothed his nerves.

786
00:57:26,208 --> 00:57:30,790
He enjoyed answering her questions
and solving her puzzles like -

787
00:57:30,875 --> 00:57:33,749
Do sheep shrink when it rains?

788
00:57:33,750 --> 00:57:37,832
Why do old men
wear their pants so high?

789
00:57:37,833 --> 00:57:43,165
Do gooses get goosebumps
and why is bellybutton lint blue?

790
00:57:43,166 --> 00:57:44,915
Are there Noblets in heaven?

791
00:57:44,916 --> 00:57:49,707
And if a taxi goes backwards,
does the driver owe you money?

792
00:57:49,708 --> 00:57:55,707
ln turn, Mary simply enjoyed
hearing about Max's fascinating life -

793
00:57:55,708 --> 00:57:58,207
how many people
he'd counted littering...

794
00:58:00,125 --> 00:58:03,582
(Whoosh! Thud!)

795
00:58:03,625 --> 00:58:05,957
..how the latest Henry had died...

796
00:58:05,958 --> 00:58:08,957
(Electric whisk whirrs in water)

797
00:58:13,208 --> 00:58:15,499
(Toaster crackles)

798
00:58:15,500 --> 00:58:18,832
..and new recipes he'd invented
for chicken.

799
00:58:22,375 --> 00:58:24,457
Each nourished the other

800
00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:27,374
and, as Mary grew taller,

801
00:58:27,375 --> 00:58:29,415
Max grew wider -

802
00:58:29,416 --> 00:58:35,249
their friendship becoming stronger
than the glue on Mary's Noblets.

803
00:58:39,500 --> 00:58:42,457
Although Max found solace in Mary,

804
00:58:42,458 --> 00:58:45,874
he still found the rest of the world bewildering.

805
00:58:45,875 --> 00:58:47,707
And he couldn't understand

806
00:58:47,708 --> 00:58:50,790
why he was seen as the odd one

807
00:58:50,791 --> 00:58:53,832
while everyone else
was considered normal.

808
00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:59,249
Humans were endlessly illogical.

809
00:58:59,250 --> 00:59:04,665
Why did they throw out food when
there were children starving in lndia?

810
00:59:04,666 --> 00:59:09,499
Why did they clear the rainforests
when they needed the oxygen?

811
00:59:09,500 --> 00:59:16,332
And why did they create bus timetables
when they never ran on time?

812
00:59:16,333 --> 00:59:23,124
He agreed with his favourite physicist
that there are only two things infinite -

813
00:59:23,166 --> 00:59:27,207
the universe and man's stupidity.

814
00:59:27,208 --> 00:59:28,790
(Bicycle bell rings)

815
00:59:28,791 --> 00:59:34,665
And for Mary, even though
Max filled her with confidence...

816
00:59:34,666 --> 00:59:35,665
Bullseye!

817
00:59:35,666 --> 00:59:39,290
..her world was far from perfect.

818
00:59:39,291 --> 00:59:42,915
The grip of love had her by the throat.

819
00:59:48,166 --> 00:59:50,040
(Giggles nervously)

820
00:59:52,916 --> 00:59:55,915
(Sad rippling piano and brass)

821
00:59:55,916 --> 00:59:58,332
(Screams)

822
00:59:58,333 --> 01:00:00,707
(Thunder, rain pattering)

823
01:00:03,458 --> 01:00:08,999
At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th, 1 988...

824
01:00:09,000 --> 01:00:10,999
(Whistle blows)

825
01:00:11,041 --> 01:00:15,832
..Noel Norman Dinkle
attached his last string

826
01:00:15,833 --> 01:00:22,165
and, after 40 years
and 40 million tea bags, he retired.

827
01:00:22,166 --> 01:00:27,332
To celebrate, Noel announced
he was retiring from taxidermy

828
01:00:27,333 --> 01:00:31,165
and taking up metal detecting instead.

829
01:00:31,166 --> 01:00:34,957
But, sadly, it was not a hobby
he had for long.

830
01:00:39,333 --> 01:00:41,207
(Loud rumbling)

831
01:00:46,166 --> 01:00:49,457
(Metal detector beeps)

832
01:00:50,458 --> 01:00:53,790
(Melancholy cello and piano)

833
01:01:00,958 --> 01:01:03,707
(Mary sobs quietly)

834
01:01:12,208 --> 01:01:15,749
ln his will, Noel had left Mary
some money

835
01:01:15,750 --> 01:01:20,832
so she decided to go to university
and study disorders of the mind,

836
01:01:20,875 --> 01:01:24,832
yearning to learn more about her friend.

837
01:01:24,833 --> 01:01:30,957
Mary was as popular at university
as she was at school.

838
01:01:30,958 --> 01:01:34,415
Damian went there too,
aching to be a Thespian.

839
01:01:34,416 --> 01:01:37,415
Hi there, M-M-Mary.

840
01:01:37,416 --> 01:01:41,165
Hi...hello!

841
01:01:44,958 --> 01:01:50,499
(They laugh)

842
01:01:50,500 --> 01:01:53,332
(Damian) : That was damn f-f-funny!

843
01:01:53,333 --> 01:01:55,332
(She sobs)

844
01:02:10,750 --> 01:02:13,624
(Rippling piano and strings)

845
01:02:24,250 --> 01:02:30,082
Hey, Damian,
your mum's roses look fab!

846
01:02:30,083 --> 01:02:32,665
Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary.

847
01:02:32,666 --> 01:02:35,207
Um. M-Mary,
can l tell you something?

848
01:02:35,208 --> 01:02:37,124
Sure, babe!

849
01:02:37,125 --> 01:02:42,374
Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo
on your shoe.

850
01:02:43,958 --> 01:02:46,374
(Mary sobs)

851
01:02:54,541 --> 01:02:56,540
(Mary): Dear Max,

852
01:02:56,541 --> 01:02:58,540
l have been such an idiot.

853
01:02:58,541 --> 01:03:01,040
l've wasted all my money
on something pointless

854
01:03:01,041 --> 01:03:03,040
when l should have been saving
to see you.

855
01:03:04,958 --> 01:03:08,165
l know love upsets you
so l won't go on about it.

856
01:03:08,166 --> 01:03:12,707
All l want to say is that love
is obviously not for me.

857
01:03:12,708 --> 01:03:17,124
l hope you are well and enjoy
the chocolate cigarettes l've enclosed.

858
01:03:17,125 --> 01:03:18,582
Love Mary.

859
01:03:19,500 --> 01:03:21,874
(Swallows loudly)

860
01:03:33,250 --> 01:03:35,957
Oh, you should be ashamed!

861
01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:38,374
- Come on, baby. Let's go.
- Oh, Mum...

862
01:03:38,416 --> 01:03:41,665
l told you never to talk to strangers.

863
01:03:43,541 --> 01:03:45,124
(Ting!)

864
01:03:46,625 --> 01:03:50,499
(Dogs howl distantly,
Vera hums a tune)

865
01:03:50,541 --> 01:03:55,915
(Narrator): Noel's sudden death
had filled Vera with remorse and guilt

866
01:03:55,916 --> 01:04:00,457
and she coped
in the only way she knew.

867
01:04:05,375 --> 01:04:09,124
(Vera hums a sad tune)

868
01:04:24,791 --> 01:04:25,999
(Bottle smashes)

869
01:04:27,916 --> 01:04:30,124
(Vera drinks)

870
01:04:32,708 --> 01:04:35,707
(She coughs repeatedly and retches)

871
01:04:48,833 --> 01:04:51,832
(Quiet, foreboding music)

872
01:05:32,166 --> 01:05:34,957
('Zorba the Greek' plays softly)

873
01:05:36,291 --> 01:05:37,957
(Mary): Dear Max,

874
01:05:37,958 --> 01:05:41,582
our wedding day was everything
l have ever dreamt,

875
01:05:41,583 --> 01:05:44,624
making up for the terrible year l've had.

876
01:05:44,625 --> 01:05:46,832
" "

877
01:05:46,875 --> 01:05:49,707
Although all the guests
were Damian's family and friends,

878
01:05:49,708 --> 01:05:51,832
l felt very welcome.

879
01:05:55,458 --> 01:06:00,207
Damian is so perfect.
He even made my wedding dress.

880
01:06:00,208 --> 01:06:01,582
And for our honeymoon

881
01:06:01,583 --> 01:06:05,082
he took me to Mykonos -
his favourite island in Greece.

882
01:06:05,166 --> 01:06:06,915
l got to ride a donkey

883
01:06:06,916 --> 01:06:10,582
and found the perfect gift for Len.

884
01:06:10,583 --> 01:06:14,707
Poor Len, he's still struggling
with his agoraphobia.

885
01:06:14,708 --> 01:06:15,957
(Horn beeps)

886
01:06:15,958 --> 01:06:18,582
Aaaaahhhh!

887
01:06:18,583 --> 01:06:21,749
(Tyres screech, car crashes)

888
01:06:22,791 --> 01:06:25,582
Damian and l are so similar.

889
01:06:25,583 --> 01:06:29,832
He even has his own penfriend,
who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.

890
01:06:30,833 --> 01:06:32,665
(She giggles)

891
01:06:33,583 --> 01:06:35,624
(Damian): Mary...M-M-M-Mary.

892
01:06:35,625 --> 01:06:38,582
(Damian): Mary...M-M-M-Mary.
(Bed squeaks)

893
01:06:38,625 --> 01:06:40,332
(Mary) : Ohhh.

894
01:06:41,375 --> 01:06:45,874
Mary was bursting with self-esteem

895
01:06:45,875 --> 01:06:48,874
and her confidence
was almost unbearable.

896
01:06:48,875 --> 01:06:50,874
(She purrs seductively)

897
01:06:50,875 --> 01:06:53,582
At university, she shone

898
01:06:53,583 --> 01:06:58,957
and took it upon herself
to cure the world of mental illness.

899
01:07:02,125 --> 01:07:05,332
(Rippling piano and strings)

900
01:07:05,375 --> 01:07:08,915
She did her thesis
on Asperger's syndrome

901
01:07:08,916 --> 01:07:12,957
and used Max as her case study.

902
01:07:13,041 --> 01:07:15,749
Her professors
were thoroughly impressed

903
01:07:15,750 --> 01:07:19,624
and her writing praised far and wide.

904
01:07:19,625 --> 01:07:23,290
Soon, publishers queued
to print her unique insight

905
01:07:23,291 --> 01:07:30,915
and by her 25th birthday, thousands
of copies were ready to be shipped.

906
01:07:30,916 --> 01:07:32,749
(Mary): Dear Max,

907
01:07:32,750 --> 01:07:34,374
l am very proud to give you

908
01:07:34,375 --> 01:07:37,915
the very first copy of my book
about your disability

909
01:07:37,916 --> 01:07:42,374
and the hopes that we have
to one day cure it.

910
01:07:43,291 --> 01:07:44,290
Even more exciting

911
01:07:44,291 --> 01:07:50,082
is that l am finally coming to meet
and celebrate with you in one week's time.

912
01:07:50,166 --> 01:07:53,415
l'm also going to give you
half the royalties.

913
01:07:53,416 --> 01:07:56,915
Your loving friend, Mary.

914
01:07:56,916 --> 01:08:01,457
PS. Please find enclosed
some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.

915
01:08:06,375 --> 01:08:10,915
(Narrator): Max didn't take the news
very well -

916
01:08:10,916 --> 01:08:13,915
not very well at all.

917
01:08:13,916 --> 01:08:16,790
(Max): Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

918
01:08:16,791 --> 01:08:22,124
l cannot express myself
very clearly at this moment

919
01:08:22,125 --> 01:08:28,540
and so l will list my emotions
in the order they feel most intense -

920
01:08:28,541 --> 01:08:36,082
hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort,
distress and wheeziness.

921
01:08:36,125 --> 01:08:39,457
This last one is not really an emotion

922
01:08:39,458 --> 01:08:42,124
but l thought you should know about it anyway.

923
01:08:50,416 --> 01:08:54,165
(Max's heart beats loudly)

924
01:08:54,166 --> 01:08:56,832
(He roars)

925
01:09:13,958 --> 01:09:18,999
With her suitcase packed for New York,
Mary said goodbye to Damian.

926
01:09:19,083 --> 01:09:26,832
She hadn't been this excited since
she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.

927
01:09:26,833 --> 01:09:31,207
But her excitement
suddenly dribbled away

928
01:09:31,208 --> 01:09:33,832
like a chocolate in the sun.

929
01:09:37,250 --> 01:09:41,374
(Soprano sings sadly,
thunder rumbles)

930
01:10:13,958 --> 01:10:15,957
(Singing intensifies)

931
01:10:18,375 --> 01:10:21,874
(Violent shredding noises)

932
01:10:45,458 --> 01:10:50,165
Mary slowly sank
into a puddle of depression, self-loathing

933
01:10:50,250 --> 01:10:52,540
and cooking sherry.

934
01:10:52,541 --> 01:10:58,207
The only colour left in her life
was her beloved Damian,

935
01:10:58,208 --> 01:11:04,207
only an arm's length away
but as distant as the moon.

936
01:11:04,208 --> 01:11:07,290
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)

937
01:11:09,208 --> 01:11:14,749
She lost interest in the world
and it lost interest in her

938
01:11:14,750 --> 01:11:19,832
as a horrible apparition began to haunt.

939
01:11:19,833 --> 01:11:24,082
She started to spend her nights
making pompoms

940
01:11:24,083 --> 01:11:27,624
and eating two-minute noodles.

941
01:11:34,666 --> 01:11:37,790
(Mournful cello solo)

942
01:11:58,291 --> 01:12:01,374
(Max wheezes)

943
01:12:27,958 --> 01:12:30,540
(Funky jazz organ)

944
01:12:30,541 --> 01:12:33,999
Each day, with strength and shame,

945
01:12:34,041 --> 01:12:38,249
Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,

946
01:12:38,250 --> 01:12:43,499
only to swivel, shrivel
and slink back inside.

947
01:12:43,541 --> 01:12:46,540
(Swing brass)

948
01:13:16,041 --> 01:13:20,457
(Rooster clucks and crows)

949
01:13:20,458 --> 01:13:22,415
(Mary gasps, crashes off couch)

950
01:13:25,416 --> 01:13:28,415
(Swing brass)

951
01:13:37,541 --> 01:13:39,540
(Damian) : My dearest Mary,

952
01:13:39,541 --> 01:13:42,957
by the time you read this,
l will be on a plane to New Zealand

953
01:13:42,958 --> 01:13:45,290
to begin a new life.

954
01:13:45,333 --> 01:13:49,415
You probably haven't even noticed
l'd packed my bags.

955
01:13:49,416 --> 01:13:54,040
I have fallen in love
with my penfriend, Desmond,

956
01:13:54,041 --> 01:13:56,707
and I'm going to live
on his sheep farm.

957
01:13:56,708 --> 01:13:59,165
(Sheep baa)

958
01:13:59,166 --> 01:14:02,832
lt's been hard to watch you become
a remnant of the person I once loved.

959
01:14:02,833 --> 01:14:05,749
Your research into m-m-mental illness
has been admirable

960
01:14:05,750 --> 01:14:11,040
but your i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it
has been misguided.

961
01:14:11,041 --> 01:14:14,332
Mary, you have to realise y-you are not
a magic beauty cream

962
01:14:14,375 --> 01:14:18,832
you can smooth on the world
to rid it of its wrinkles.

963
01:14:18,833 --> 01:14:20,707
l love you, Mary,

964
01:14:20,708 --> 01:14:23,957
but l love Desmond more.

965
01:14:23,958 --> 01:14:27,332
l hope one day your heart will heal
and we can be friends.

966
01:14:27,333 --> 01:14:30,499
Yours compassionately,
Damian.

967
01:14:37,166 --> 01:14:40,832
(Sad piano solo)

968
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:46,540
(Distant sirens)

969
01:14:53,333 --> 01:14:56,207
(Max): Aaaarghh!

970
01:14:56,208 --> 01:14:58,415
Dear Mayor Ridiculani,

971
01:14:58,416 --> 01:15:06,665
on Monday l counted 27 people
illegally dropping cigarette butts.

972
01:15:06,666 --> 01:15:09,332
l would like to recommend
the fine be increased

973
01:15:09,333 --> 01:15:14,540
to a minimum of $1 million
as a stronger deterrent

974
01:15:14,583 --> 01:15:17,957
and would be happy...

975
01:15:32,958 --> 01:15:36,457
(Max groans)

976
01:15:45,708 --> 01:15:47,832
(Warning bell rings)

977
01:15:51,083 --> 01:15:54,832
Thank you.

978
01:16:08,833 --> 01:16:10,874
(He inhales)

979
01:16:14,333 --> 01:16:16,332
(Max gasps)

980
01:16:25,458 --> 01:16:27,457
(Ominous music)

981
01:16:27,458 --> 01:16:28,999
(Max yells)

982
01:16:37,791 --> 01:16:39,957
Sorry.

983
01:16:44,416 --> 01:16:47,040
(Distant city noises)

984
01:16:59,958 --> 01:17:02,124
Dear Mary,

985
01:17:02,125 --> 01:17:06,582
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection

986
01:17:06,583 --> 01:17:09,874
as a sign that l forgive you.

987
01:17:10,958 --> 01:17:14,624
When l received your book,
the emotions inside...

988
01:17:33,125 --> 01:17:36,124
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

989
01:18:11,125 --> 01:18:16,124
(Narrator): On the way home,
Max sat to count the stars.

990
01:18:16,125 --> 01:18:18,790
He felt complete -

991
01:18:18,791 --> 01:18:21,957
the world was back in balance.

992
01:18:27,125 --> 01:18:30,499
(Jazzy Russian folk music)

993
01:18:38,125 --> 01:18:40,749
(Lonely cello solo)

994
01:18:41,208 --> 01:18:43,665
(Rooster snores)

995
01:19:00,958 --> 01:19:02,957
(Fly buzzes, rooster snores)

996
01:19:12,500 --> 01:19:15,082
(Thunder rumbles, rain patters)

997
01:19:35,416 --> 01:19:37,415
(Mystical rippling music)

998
01:19:43,666 --> 01:19:49,165
(Mary sings)
" When l was just a little girl

999
01:19:49,166 --> 01:19:55,165
" l asked my mother, what will l be?

1000
01:19:56,291 --> 01:20:02,665
" Will l be pretty, will l be rich?

1001
01:20:02,666 --> 01:20:07,040
" Here's what she said to me...

1002
01:20:07,041 --> 01:20:12,999
" Que sera sera

1003
01:20:13,000 --> 01:20:18,665
" Whatever will be will be

1004
01:20:18,666 --> 01:20:23,790
" The future's not ours to see

1005
01:20:23,791 --> 01:20:28,540
" Que sera sera

1006
01:20:40,375 --> 01:20:43,374
(Discordant instrumental interlude)

1007
01:20:54,625 --> 01:20:59,290
" Que sera sera

1008
01:20:59,291 --> 01:21:05,249
" Whatever will be will be

1009
01:21:05,250 --> 01:21:10,499
" The future's not ours to see

1010
01:21:10,500 --> 01:21:15,040
" Que sera sera

1011
01:21:16,166 --> 01:21:20,499
" What will be will be

1012
01:21:22,375 --> 01:21:26,415
" Que sera sera "

1013
01:21:27,000 --> 01:21:29,165
(Knock at door)

1014
01:21:34,583 --> 01:21:38,165
(Knocking continues)

1015
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,957
(Dogs bark)

1016
01:21:48,708 --> 01:21:50,124
(Len): Ah!

1017
01:21:50,166 --> 01:21:54,290
(Narrator): Len had saved the day
and after 45 years

1018
01:21:54,333 --> 01:21:59,165
he finally conquered his agoraphobia.

1019
01:22:03,250 --> 01:22:04,707
(Driver): Moron!

1020
01:22:04,708 --> 01:22:06,165
(Len laughs triumphantly)

1021
01:22:14,583 --> 01:22:16,124
(Max): Dear Mary,

1022
01:22:16,125 --> 01:22:20,957
please find enclosed
my entire Noblet collection

1023
01:22:20,958 --> 01:22:24,999
as a sign that l forgive you.

1024
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:28,957
When l received your book,
the emotions inside my brain

1025
01:22:28,958 --> 01:22:34,040
felt like they were in a tumble dryer,
smashing into each other.

1026
01:22:35,250 --> 01:22:39,707
The hurt felt like when l accidentally
stapled my lips together.

1027
01:22:39,708 --> 01:22:41,415
Ow!

1028
01:22:41,500 --> 01:22:46,999
The reason l forgive you
is because you are not perfect.

1029
01:22:47,000 --> 01:22:50,999
You are imperfect, and so am l.

1030
01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:53,999
All humans are imperfect,

1031
01:22:54,000 --> 01:22:58,415
even the man outside my apartment
who litters.

1032
01:22:58,458 --> 01:23:04,915
When l was young,
l wanted to be anybody but myself.

1033
01:23:04,958 --> 01:23:08,957
Dr Bernard Hazelhof said
if l was on a desert island

1034
01:23:08,958 --> 01:23:12,665
then l would have to get used
to my own company -

1035
01:23:12,666 --> 01:23:15,915
just me and the coconuts.

1036
01:23:15,958 --> 01:23:22,540
He said l would have to accept myself,
my warts and all,

1037
01:23:22,583 --> 01:23:25,540
and that we don't get to choose
our warts.

1038
01:23:25,541 --> 01:23:29,207
They are a part of us
and we have to live with them.

1039
01:23:31,041 --> 01:23:35,207
We can, however, choose our friends

1040
01:23:35,208 --> 01:23:40,540
and l am glad l have chosen you.

1041
01:23:40,541 --> 01:23:43,707
Dr Bernard Hazelhof also said

1042
01:23:43,750 --> 01:23:48,249
that everyone's lives
are like a very long sidewalk.

1043
01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:52,957
Some are well paved.
Others, like mine,

1044
01:23:52,958 --> 01:23:58,540
have cracks, banana skins
and cigarette butts.

1045
01:23:58,541 --> 01:24:05,540
Your sidewalk is like mine
but probably not as many cracks.

1046
01:24:05,583 --> 01:24:09,582
Hopefully, one day
our sidewalks will meet

1047
01:24:09,666 --> 01:24:13,249
and we can share
a can of condensed milk.

1048
01:24:14,875 --> 01:24:17,040
(She slurps)

1049
01:24:17,041 --> 01:24:23,332
You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.

1050
01:24:23,375 --> 01:24:28,790
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.

1051
01:24:30,041 --> 01:24:35,040
PS. l have recently found the perfect job
with a survey company.

1052
01:24:35,041 --> 01:24:39,874
All l have to do is eat things
and tick boxes.

1053
01:24:43,500 --> 01:24:45,540
(Birdsong)

1054
01:24:54,625 --> 01:24:57,749
(Sirens in distance)

1055
01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:06,749
(Rippling piano and strings)

1056
01:25:13,208 --> 01:25:16,249
(Baby gurgles)

1057
01:25:20,750 --> 01:25:22,749
(Lift bell dings)

1058
01:25:27,875 --> 01:25:30,874
(Music plays in distance)

1059
01:25:48,958 --> 01:25:51,124
(TV plays 'The Noblets' theme music)

1060
01:26:01,625 --> 01:26:16,082
Max?

1061
01:26:17,833 --> 01:26:19,832
Hello?

1062
01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:25,957
Max, it's us!

1063
01:26:26,000 --> 01:26:28,249
We're here!

1064
01:26:30,458 --> 01:26:33,249
Oh, Max?

1065
01:26:34,958 --> 01:26:38,499
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)

1066
01:26:39,583 --> 01:26:44,374
(Narrator): Max had died peacefully
that morning

1067
01:26:44,375 --> 01:26:48,540
after finishing his final can
of condensed milk.

1068
01:26:49,458 --> 01:26:51,207
" "

1069
01:27:05,375 --> 01:27:07,457
(Baby gurgles)

1070
01:27:39,375 --> 01:27:43,124
(Alto singing serenely with woodwind)

1071
01:27:52,000 --> 01:27:53,832
(She gasps)

1072
01:28:00,250 --> 01:28:05,999
(Max's voice): You are my best friend.
You are my only friend.

1073
01:28:11,583 --> 01:28:17,082
(Narrator): He smelt like liquorice
and old books, she thought to herself,

1074
01:28:17,083 --> 01:28:20,790
as tears rolled from her eyes

1075
01:28:20,791 --> 01:28:24,749
the colour of muddy puddles.

1076
01:29:00,166 --> 01:29:02,290
" "