1 00:00:02,254 --> 00:00:04,684 Gather close that you might hearken 2 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:07,643 the story of Fat Neil. 3 00:00:07,644 --> 00:00:10,323 Born stout of heart, but large of bone, 4 00:00:10,390 --> 00:00:12,568 his adolescent years were shadowed 5 00:00:12,569 --> 00:00:14,196 by scorn and mockery. 6 00:00:14,197 --> 00:00:17,330 Hey, fatty, fatty. 7 00:00:17,678 --> 00:00:19,678 Outlets of fantasy afforded him 8 00:00:19,745 --> 00:00:22,609 some escape from the darkness throughout high school. 9 00:00:22,817 --> 00:00:26,318 And as a man, he traveled far to a new school 10 00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:27,874 and a new beginning... 11 00:00:28,245 --> 00:00:30,545 Or so he thought. 12 00:00:30,611 --> 00:00:34,778 - Yeah, it's down by Fat Neil. - I'ts Fat Neil 13 00:00:34,842 --> 00:00:36,968 The name became a joke. 14 00:00:37,045 --> 00:00:38,878 I'll have what Fat Neil's having. 15 00:00:38,945 --> 00:00:40,778 The joke became his life. 16 00:00:40,845 --> 00:00:42,078 Yes, Fat Neil. 17 00:00:42,145 --> 00:00:44,545 And Neil fell again into darkness, 18 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:47,577 only this time, his thoughts turned to an escape 19 00:00:47,578 --> 00:00:50,136 of which we dare not speak. 20 00:00:50,137 --> 00:00:53,037 But pain need not be spoken to be known, 21 00:00:53,112 --> 00:00:53,973 not to all. 22 00:00:53,974 --> 00:00:56,541 It was, strangely, Jeff the Liar, 23 00:00:56,578 --> 00:00:58,378 son of William the Barely Known, 24 00:00:58,444 --> 00:01:00,745 who first became concerned. 25 00:01:00,812 --> 00:01:01,711 Neil. 26 00:01:01,712 --> 00:01:03,985 It was Jeff who pretended to be interested 27 00:01:03,986 --> 00:01:05,452 in Dungeons & Dragons, 28 00:01:05,645 --> 00:01:07,745 in an effort to lift Neil's spirits. 29 00:01:07,812 --> 00:01:09,912 And when Jeff's fake interest 30 00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,233 resulted in Neil giving Jeff all his books, 31 00:01:12,234 --> 00:01:15,801 explaining he wouldn't need them anymore... 32 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,711 It was Annie the Dayplanner, 33 00:01:19,778 --> 00:01:21,711 herself a recovering head case, 34 00:01:21,778 --> 00:01:24,912 that recognized the signs of coming doom. 35 00:01:24,978 --> 00:01:26,279 A council was called. 36 00:01:26,344 --> 00:01:28,344 Troy the Obtuse... 37 00:01:28,411 --> 00:01:30,045 Shirley the Cloying, 38 00:01:30,112 --> 00:01:31,878 Abed the Undiagnosable... 39 00:01:31,945 --> 00:01:33,145 Julian Assange is a modern day... 40 00:01:33,212 --> 00:01:35,378 Britta the Needlessly Defiant. 41 00:01:35,444 --> 00:01:37,331 For reasons that should be obvious, 42 00:01:37,332 --> 00:01:38,623 Pierce the Insensitive, 43 00:01:38,624 --> 00:01:40,724 known also as Pierce the Dickish 44 00:01:40,750 --> 00:01:42,201 and Grandpa the Flatulent, 45 00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,636 was not invited. 46 00:01:43,983 --> 00:01:46,383 The group agreed that what Fat Neil needed most, 47 00:01:46,449 --> 00:01:48,616 was to feel like a winner for a change. 48 00:01:48,683 --> 00:01:50,950 They would invite Neil that Saturday, 49 00:01:51,017 --> 00:01:52,583 to a game of Dungeons & Dragons, 50 00:01:52,650 --> 00:01:56,383 designed by Abed to help Neil reclaim his confidence. 51 00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:57,643 For Neil. 52 00:01:57,644 --> 00:01:59,216 At the end of the meeting, 53 00:01:59,283 --> 00:02:01,683 they realized that Chang had been there 54 00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:04,550 and felt too awkward to mention it. 55 00:02:06,278 --> 00:02:07,516 What they couldn't have known 56 00:02:07,583 --> 00:02:09,182 was that they had just scheduled 57 00:02:09,249 --> 00:02:12,716 the most important game of Dungeons & Dragons ever. 58 00:02:12,783 --> 00:02:15,683 A game which not only might save a life, 59 00:02:15,750 --> 00:02:18,082 but which would forever change the balance 60 00:02:18,149 --> 00:02:22,017 between good and Pierce. 61 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:26,717 Community 2x14 - Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 62 00:02:27,196 --> 00:02:31,696 Sync by vNaru - Corrected by Addic7ed www.addic7ed.com 63 00:02:51,082 --> 00:02:51,983 Hi. 64 00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:53,049 Hey, Neil, 65 00:02:53,116 --> 00:02:55,182 this is gonna be awesome, yo. 66 00:02:55,249 --> 00:02:56,583 So we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh? 67 00:02:56,650 --> 00:02:58,650 I'm a dark elf, or a trau. 68 00:02:58,716 --> 00:03:00,550 Shouldn't you be wearing armor or something? 69 00:03:00,616 --> 00:03:02,383 Ha-ha. I'm an elf, not a nerd. 70 00:03:02,392 --> 00:03:03,185 So you guys suddenly just 71 00:03:03,186 --> 00:03:04,486 wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons? 72 00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:06,250 Y-yeah. 73 00:03:06,305 --> 00:03:08,172 - W-why wouldn't we? - Yes. 74 00:03:08,182 --> 00:03:09,616 It's cool, and when you play it, 75 00:03:09,683 --> 00:03:11,082 it makes you happy... 76 00:03:11,149 --> 00:03:12,983 Like a dragon. 77 00:03:13,290 --> 00:03:14,258 Okay, hi. 78 00:03:14,323 --> 00:03:15,724 I am your dungeon master. 79 00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:17,323 We will be playing this adventure... 80 00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:18,857 "The Cavern of Draconis." 81 00:03:18,924 --> 00:03:20,357 - Ooh! - Neil. 82 00:03:20,423 --> 00:03:21,868 I understand Neil has his own character 83 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:23,635 named Duquesne that he's been playing for years, 84 00:03:23,824 --> 00:03:25,590 so I made these for you guys. 85 00:03:25,657 --> 00:03:27,370 Now, take your time. Choose your character carefully. 86 00:03:27,371 --> 00:03:30,037 They each have their own unique combination of strength and... 87 00:03:30,524 --> 00:03:31,031 All righty. 88 00:03:31,032 --> 00:03:33,075 Shouldn't there be a board or some pieces 89 00:03:33,076 --> 00:03:34,476 or something to Jenga? 90 00:03:34,657 --> 00:03:36,024 No, no, this is a role-playing game. 91 00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:38,158 It takes place entirely in our collective imagination. 92 00:03:38,224 --> 00:03:39,966 Ooh. Neil. 93 00:03:39,967 --> 00:03:40,810 I tell a story, 94 00:03:40,835 --> 00:03:42,931 and you make choices in the story, okay? 95 00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,224 Let's begin. 96 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:45,857 You are all standing on a country road. 97 00:03:45,924 --> 00:03:47,924 Legend has it the evil dragon Draconis 98 00:03:47,931 --> 00:03:49,697 dwells nearby, guarding a massive pile of treasure. 99 00:03:49,824 --> 00:03:51,104 Working as a team, 100 00:03:51,105 --> 00:03:53,304 your goal is to track down the dragon, kill him, 101 00:03:53,390 --> 00:03:55,158 and then claim the treasure as your own. 102 00:03:55,224 --> 00:03:56,239 Jeff, your turn. 103 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:57,714 Oh, it's my turn? 104 00:03:57,715 --> 00:04:00,122 Oh, uhm... What do I do, roll dice? 105 00:04:00,123 --> 00:04:01,054 You tell me what you want to do, 106 00:04:01,055 --> 00:04:03,054 then I roll the dice to see if you're successful. 107 00:04:03,423 --> 00:04:04,724 What are my choices? 108 00:04:04,791 --> 00:04:05,751 Okay, you're slowing things down, Jeff. 109 00:04:05,752 --> 00:04:06,486 Shirley, what do you want to do? 110 00:04:06,487 --> 00:04:08,720 I'd like to introduce myself to the group. 111 00:04:08,789 --> 00:04:11,556 Hello. I am a dwarf named Zippity-Do. 112 00:04:11,957 --> 00:04:13,415 Okay, I'm not the best at making up names. 113 00:04:13,416 --> 00:04:17,577 Oh, hey. I'm Marrrrrr. 114 00:04:17,886 --> 00:04:18,967 Boy, you weren't kidding. 115 00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:21,401 Hello, Marrrrrr. 116 00:04:21,482 --> 00:04:23,972 My name is Bing Bong the Archer. 117 00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,074 I'm an archer and such. 118 00:04:25,075 --> 00:04:28,904 I'm...Ew! Hector the well-endowed? Abed. 119 00:04:28,905 --> 00:04:30,338 I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. 120 00:04:30,339 --> 00:04:32,472 I made that one with Troy in mind. 121 00:04:32,924 --> 00:04:34,113 Yeah, I bet you did. 122 00:04:34,114 --> 00:04:36,181 Okay, hi! I'm Lavernica. 123 00:04:36,796 --> 00:04:38,363 I have three armors, 124 00:04:38,616 --> 00:04:39,715 boots, 125 00:04:39,782 --> 00:04:40,882 a belt, 126 00:04:40,949 --> 00:04:41,907 a torch.... 127 00:04:41,908 --> 00:04:42,861 Wait, let her finish. 128 00:04:42,862 --> 00:04:46,365 Worst introduction ever. Check it. 129 00:04:46,428 --> 00:04:48,662 I am Brutalitops, 130 00:04:49,068 --> 00:04:51,168 the magician! 131 00:04:51,328 --> 00:04:53,125 Magic user, baby... What? 132 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:55,397 An arrow flies through the air almost hitting Brutalitops. 133 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:56,894 Six goblins are running toward you 134 00:04:56,895 --> 00:04:58,273 from the tree line, drawing daggers. 135 00:04:58,333 --> 00:04:58,904 Oh! 136 00:04:59,185 --> 00:05:00,775 I attack them using my... 137 00:05:00,978 --> 00:05:02,801 Additional notes. 138 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:03,870 It has no effect. Britta? 139 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,169 I want to know why these goblins are attacking us. 140 00:05:06,252 --> 00:05:08,460 Maybe these woods are their rightful land, 141 00:05:08,461 --> 00:05:09,870 and from their perspective... 142 00:05:11,536 --> 00:05:13,536 You're the AT&T of people. 143 00:05:14,504 --> 00:05:16,035 - You've been shot by an arrow. - Awww. 144 00:05:16,124 --> 00:05:17,213 Yeah, it hurts. Jeff. 145 00:05:17,272 --> 00:05:18,604 Uh, I take my throwing knife 146 00:05:18,637 --> 00:05:20,504 and throw it, knife-style. 147 00:05:20,972 --> 00:05:22,032 You do ten points of damage. 148 00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:23,066 Look at that. 149 00:05:23,092 --> 00:05:24,880 - What am I not good at? - Sex. 150 00:05:24,881 --> 00:05:27,448 But the goblins close in, surrounding you on all sides. 151 00:05:27,966 --> 00:05:30,164 I draw my plus-three sword of Duquesne 152 00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:32,613 and attack in a 180-degree arc. 153 00:05:32,614 --> 00:05:34,218 The goblins are terrified as Duquesne draws 154 00:05:34,219 --> 00:05:36,098 his powerful glowing sword from its sheath... 155 00:05:36,313 --> 00:05:39,467 And in one move, slices the throats of three charging goblins! 156 00:05:39,468 --> 00:05:40,894 - Oh! - Oh, that's good. 157 00:05:41,037 --> 00:05:42,090 The rest of the goblins run away. 158 00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:44,588 Great job with the sword, Neil... You saved us. 159 00:05:44,633 --> 00:05:46,418 What would we have done if you didn't exist? 160 00:05:46,419 --> 00:05:47,519 Dial it back, Lavernica. 161 00:05:55,419 --> 00:05:57,491 Pierce, what are you doing here? 162 00:05:57,492 --> 00:06:00,126 How about you answer that question? 163 00:06:00,753 --> 00:06:03,006 What the hell is this little tea party? 164 00:06:03,007 --> 00:06:05,149 We're playing Dungeons & Dragons. 165 00:06:05,150 --> 00:06:06,616 First of all, gay. 166 00:06:06,657 --> 00:06:08,590 Second of all, stupid. 167 00:06:09,019 --> 00:06:11,419 And thirdly... 168 00:06:11,486 --> 00:06:13,478 Why was this a secret? 169 00:06:13,479 --> 00:06:15,153 Are you cutting me out of the group? 170 00:06:15,154 --> 00:06:17,555 I guess we must have forgot. 171 00:06:17,886 --> 00:06:20,263 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah, that's what it was. 172 00:06:20,264 --> 00:06:22,564 But you remembered to invite Al Jolson here. 173 00:06:22,919 --> 00:06:25,820 And you remembered to let fatty sit in my chair. 174 00:06:26,578 --> 00:06:28,347 Get out! You're stretching it! 175 00:06:28,366 --> 00:06:30,613 Pierce, can we talk to you outside for a second? 176 00:06:30,745 --> 00:06:32,744 Kind of missed that opportunity already, didn't you? 177 00:06:32,745 --> 00:06:34,709 Yeah, but there's a very specific reason. 178 00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,077 Let's just play, all right? 179 00:06:36,078 --> 00:06:37,127 I don't have a character for you. 180 00:06:37,128 --> 00:06:38,309 I don't care, I just want to play the game. 181 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,809 - I don't need a character. - I think you do. 182 00:06:40,272 --> 00:06:42,839 Just put me in the stupid game, now. 183 00:06:43,255 --> 00:06:44,655 Okay, um... 184 00:06:44,721 --> 00:06:46,556 As you watch the goblins retreat, 185 00:06:46,557 --> 00:06:48,904 you notice a 67-year-old naked man with no weapons, 186 00:06:48,905 --> 00:06:50,104 lying in the wet grass, shivering. 187 00:06:50,521 --> 00:06:51,595 His name is... 188 00:06:51,596 --> 00:06:54,396 Pierce Hawthorne, and I'm 66, dick. 189 00:06:54,557 --> 00:06:56,441 In about 13 turns, he will die of exposure. 190 00:06:56,442 --> 00:06:58,453 - Jeff? - I wait 14 turns. 191 00:06:58,454 --> 00:06:59,958 Screw you guys. I'm gonna win. 192 00:06:59,959 --> 00:07:02,124 I go to the naked man, and I give him my cloak. 193 00:07:02,521 --> 00:07:03,374 Oh. 194 00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:06,509 Pierce, I am Duquesne of clan Duquesne. 195 00:07:06,588 --> 00:07:07,955 Dumb name. 196 00:07:08,022 --> 00:07:10,788 I'm gonna take his sword. Can I take his sword? 197 00:07:10,855 --> 00:07:12,821 You've got his sword. 198 00:07:12,888 --> 00:07:16,000 Pierce, knock it off. You're playing the game wrong. 199 00:07:16,001 --> 00:07:16,855 We'll see. 200 00:07:16,856 --> 00:07:19,275 Okay, I take the Duquesne sword from the naked man. 201 00:07:19,276 --> 00:07:21,185 I attack him! I attack Black Face! 202 00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,674 - It's a critical hit. - Wha... 203 00:07:24,638 --> 00:07:26,176 You've decapitated him. Brutalitops is dead. 204 00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:27,226 What? 205 00:07:27,638 --> 00:07:29,547 No! 206 00:07:29,822 --> 00:07:30,948 Chang... 207 00:07:31,196 --> 00:07:33,097 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask for your character sheet. 208 00:07:54,629 --> 00:07:56,828 - Still your turn. - I run. 209 00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:58,632 What? You run? 210 00:07:58,633 --> 00:07:59,776 The naked man is running into the woods. 211 00:07:59,777 --> 00:08:02,944 - But he has my sword. - Can we catch him, please? 212 00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:04,210 Well, the cloak that Duquesne gave him, 213 00:08:04,211 --> 00:08:05,379 was an elven cloak of windwalking, 214 00:08:05,382 --> 00:08:08,304 which is double speed, so, no. He's gone. 215 00:08:08,305 --> 00:08:10,299 - Damn it! - It took me ten years 216 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,115 and 50 campaigns to get that sword. 217 00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:13,086 Really? 218 00:08:13,087 --> 00:08:15,552 Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it and throw it off a cliff. 219 00:08:16,679 --> 00:08:18,212 That's for sitting in my chair, fatty. 220 00:08:24,244 --> 00:08:25,778 I take it that means I'm winning. 221 00:08:28,633 --> 00:08:30,466 Pierce, you've made your point. 222 00:08:30,533 --> 00:08:32,067 You can ruin anything. 223 00:08:32,134 --> 00:08:34,034 Now come back and give Neil his sword. 224 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,367 I can't hear you over the sound 225 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,401 of me rubbing his sword on my balls. 226 00:08:37,466 --> 00:08:38,566 - Pierce! - Ew! 227 00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:40,401 You have... 228 00:08:40,466 --> 00:08:42,267 Successfully rubbed your balls on the sword. 229 00:08:42,334 --> 00:08:43,735 Abed, don't help him. 230 00:08:43,736 --> 00:08:45,600 You're the dungeon master. Just kill Pierce 231 00:08:45,667 --> 00:08:47,566 and give Neil back his sword... He's upset. 232 00:08:47,633 --> 00:08:49,134 I'm the dungeon master... I have to be impartial, 233 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,126 or the game has no meaning. 234 00:08:50,127 --> 00:08:51,626 Can you just give Neil a new sword? 235 00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:52,800 That sword is one of a kind. 236 00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:54,743 It was forged by my ancestors. 237 00:08:54,744 --> 00:08:56,227 I hump it. 238 00:08:56,566 --> 00:08:58,702 That's it. Pierce, Abed, 239 00:08:58,703 --> 00:09:00,569 I need to have a talk with you in the hall. 240 00:09:01,051 --> 00:09:02,291 What? Hey... 241 00:09:02,705 --> 00:09:03,806 - Hey! - That kid in there 242 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,334 is severely depressed. 243 00:09:05,401 --> 00:09:06,800 Oh, yeah, is that what he told you? 244 00:09:06,867 --> 00:09:08,700 From the looks of it, he's been using that line 245 00:09:08,767 --> 00:09:11,100 since he was five years old to get an extra slice of pie. 246 00:09:11,167 --> 00:09:12,934 What the hell is wrong with you? 247 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,465 I don't like being excluded, Jeff! 248 00:09:15,466 --> 00:09:16,800 - Do you? - Yes! 249 00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:20,234 Now, go in there and tell him you're giving him his sword, 250 00:09:20,301 --> 00:09:22,267 or you are out of the study group. 251 00:09:22,334 --> 00:09:24,301 I'm sick of you threatening me 252 00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:25,700 and talking to me like a kid 253 00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:27,664 and giving me that look you give me 254 00:09:27,665 --> 00:09:28,833 like I can't get erections! 255 00:09:29,934 --> 00:09:30,730 What? 256 00:09:30,731 --> 00:09:32,490 - Abed, I keep running. - Okay. 257 00:09:32,491 --> 00:09:33,609 But since you're working against the group, 258 00:09:33,610 --> 00:09:35,007 I need to separate you from them. 259 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:38,790 Good. Who wants to sit with a bunch of fat crybabies anyway? 260 00:09:38,857 --> 00:09:40,857 Call me when you're ready for my next move. 261 00:09:43,057 --> 00:09:44,923 Pierce refuses to give back the sword. 262 00:09:44,990 --> 00:09:47,424 Our new goal is to find him and kill him. 263 00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:48,623 I think I just want to go home. 264 00:09:48,690 --> 00:09:51,224 Neil, do not do that. 265 00:09:51,290 --> 00:09:53,190 We're gonna get that sword back, okay? 266 00:09:53,257 --> 00:09:56,324 Now, is there a way of moving faster than he's moving 267 00:09:56,391 --> 00:09:57,890 in his cape of whatever? 268 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,738 I guess if we had a Pegasus. 269 00:10:00,739 --> 00:10:02,706 If that's sarcasm, I can't tell, 270 00:10:02,857 --> 00:10:05,257 because everything in this game is silly. 271 00:10:05,324 --> 00:10:07,391 Um, Abed, can we get a Pegasus? 272 00:10:07,457 --> 00:10:09,457 I can't give you information like that. 273 00:10:09,523 --> 00:10:12,257 Well, there's got to be a town nearby. 274 00:10:12,324 --> 00:10:14,957 We will go to that town and ask around... 275 00:10:15,024 --> 00:10:16,057 About a Pegasus! 276 00:10:16,124 --> 00:10:17,024 Huzzah! 277 00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:18,157 Is that right? 278 00:10:19,457 --> 00:10:21,356 And so it was that the group 279 00:10:21,357 --> 00:10:23,570 began to describe themselves walking. 280 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:27,196 And as they described themselves walking, 281 00:10:27,197 --> 00:10:30,085 so did Abed confirm that they walked... 282 00:10:30,086 --> 00:10:30,963 I walk with them. 283 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,161 Until... 284 00:10:32,162 --> 00:10:34,890 This is a local elf tavern, but all races are welcome. 285 00:10:34,957 --> 00:10:36,590 Aw! 286 00:10:36,656 --> 00:10:38,257 Okay, it's a crowded and rowdy evening. 287 00:10:38,324 --> 00:10:39,608 Beleaguered gnomes hurry to and fro 288 00:10:39,609 --> 00:10:40,843 with glasses of mead for the thirsty elves. 289 00:10:41,090 --> 00:10:42,790 Beleaguered? Why are they beleaguered? 290 00:10:42,857 --> 00:10:44,424 - Who cares? - Cares? 291 00:10:44,491 --> 00:10:46,524 Find a waiter and introduce myself. 292 00:10:48,032 --> 00:10:49,965 Argy bargy arg barg barg. 293 00:10:50,124 --> 00:10:52,036 - Why is he a pirate? - He's a gnome. 294 00:10:52,037 --> 00:10:54,757 - He only speaks gnome. - Anybody here speak gnome? 295 00:10:54,823 --> 00:10:56,024 Oh! I do! Lavernica does. 296 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:57,556 Oh, this'll be painless. 297 00:10:57,623 --> 00:10:59,857 Hello, my friend and brother. 298 00:10:59,923 --> 00:11:01,623 How can I help you, dear madam? 299 00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:03,651 Oh, please, no need for such deference. 300 00:11:03,652 --> 00:11:04,818 I am no better than a gnome. 301 00:11:04,819 --> 00:11:05,923 Yes, you are, madam. 302 00:11:05,990 --> 00:11:07,424 You are a human warrior, 303 00:11:07,491 --> 00:11:10,190 which is five species classes greater than I. 304 00:11:10,257 --> 00:11:12,556 That's disgusting. Don't talk like that. 305 00:11:12,623 --> 00:11:13,957 I am so sorry, madam! 306 00:11:14,024 --> 00:11:16,024 Please don't report me for execution! 307 00:11:16,090 --> 00:11:17,590 Oh, no, no, no! I didn't mean that. 308 00:11:17,656 --> 00:11:19,923 Guys, we have got to do something about these gnomes. 309 00:11:19,990 --> 00:11:21,590 - Um... - Britta, ask the stupid gnome 310 00:11:21,656 --> 00:11:23,190 where we can get a Pegasus! 311 00:11:23,257 --> 00:11:24,424 Did someone say "Pegasus"? 312 00:11:24,491 --> 00:11:26,823 A word I understand in every language? 313 00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:33,190 Okay, here's all 314 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,024 the Dungeons & Dragons stuff I could find. 315 00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:37,224 I had to carry it all the way from my car. 316 00:11:37,290 --> 00:11:40,690 It's very heavy, and my doctor said... 317 00:11:54,556 --> 00:11:56,217 Following the directions given to you by the gnome, 318 00:11:56,218 --> 00:11:58,959 - you arrive at a field full of majestic Pegasi. - Finally. 319 00:11:58,960 --> 00:11:59,789 But they are guarded 320 00:11:59,790 --> 00:12:01,890 by a mysterious and beautiful elf maiden, 321 00:12:01,923 --> 00:12:03,857 who seems drawn to Marrrrrr. 322 00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:06,590 Oh. Okay. Well, I explain that we need a Pegasus, 323 00:12:06,656 --> 00:12:09,024 and, uh, I don't know, 324 00:12:09,090 --> 00:12:10,690 promise to fill it up before we bring it back. 325 00:12:10,757 --> 00:12:11,857 She flirts with you. 326 00:12:11,923 --> 00:12:13,357 - I flirt back. - How? 327 00:12:13,424 --> 00:12:15,023 - I say something sexy. - Like what? 328 00:12:15,091 --> 00:12:15,916 Abed. 329 00:12:16,209 --> 00:12:19,176 Uh... Okay. 330 00:12:19,290 --> 00:12:21,556 Excuse me, I don't normally do this, 331 00:12:21,623 --> 00:12:24,790 but you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, 332 00:12:24,857 --> 00:12:27,057 and I would really love a Pegasus. 333 00:12:27,124 --> 00:12:28,923 - Ugh. - Works for me. 334 00:12:28,990 --> 00:12:30,391 You're very handsome, you know. 335 00:12:30,457 --> 00:12:31,957 Yeah. 336 00:12:32,024 --> 00:12:34,357 Well, you know, I'm not really comfortable with this. 337 00:12:34,424 --> 00:12:36,057 My stable has a bedding of heather. 338 00:12:36,124 --> 00:12:38,090 Perhaps you'd be more comfortable indoors. 339 00:12:38,157 --> 00:12:39,523 Abed, try to look at what you're doing 340 00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:40,857 and understand that I don't want to. 341 00:12:40,923 --> 00:12:41,922 You've offended the elf maiden. 342 00:12:41,923 --> 00:12:43,588 She seems disinterested in doing business with you today. 343 00:12:43,623 --> 00:12:44,329 What? 344 00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:46,085 All right, come on, can we just do this? 345 00:12:46,086 --> 00:12:49,090 Hi. Hello. I am Hector the well-endowed. 346 00:12:49,157 --> 00:12:51,324 You've got a bunch of Pegasi. Let's make a deal. 347 00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:53,190 What kind of deal? 348 00:12:53,257 --> 00:12:54,857 All right, I take her by the hand 349 00:12:54,923 --> 00:12:56,357 and lead her to the stable. 350 00:12:56,424 --> 00:12:58,890 I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic, 351 00:12:58,957 --> 00:13:00,224 which I fashion into a blindfold. 352 00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:03,124 - Oh, Hector, but I don't know... - Shh. Shh. 353 00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:07,860 I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes. I slowly... 354 00:13:31,452 --> 00:13:34,352 Okay. You both fall back, exhausted but still entwined. 355 00:13:34,419 --> 00:13:36,186 Okay, great. I stroke her hair lovingly 356 00:13:36,253 --> 00:13:37,886 and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time 357 00:13:37,953 --> 00:13:39,253 - before leaving. - How long is that? 358 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:40,886 Cool, cool, cool. 359 00:13:40,953 --> 00:13:42,819 All right, the elf maiden, thoroughly satisfied, 360 00:13:42,886 --> 00:13:44,019 promises you a flock of Pegasi. 361 00:13:44,086 --> 00:13:45,519 Oh, excellent. 362 00:13:45,586 --> 00:13:47,546 You guys can take a break. I should check on Pierce. 363 00:13:49,625 --> 00:13:50,838 Pierce? 364 00:13:52,142 --> 00:13:53,270 I'm here. 365 00:13:58,242 --> 00:13:59,643 I need to know what you want to do next. 366 00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:06,142 So many things, Abed... 367 00:14:06,209 --> 00:14:08,775 So many things. 368 00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:12,442 Guys... 369 00:14:12,509 --> 00:14:14,442 I am bringing Pierce back into the room, 370 00:14:14,509 --> 00:14:16,583 because while soaring above the forest of Ingold, 371 00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:18,872 you spot his body in an elven cloak in a clearing below. 372 00:14:18,873 --> 00:14:20,639 - Ha! - Ooh! 373 00:14:20,976 --> 00:14:22,309 We got you, dummy! 374 00:14:22,509 --> 00:14:23,533 We land. 375 00:14:23,534 --> 00:14:24,935 You land safely in the wooded clearing. 376 00:14:25,342 --> 00:14:26,509 He is facedown, barely moving, 377 00:14:26,576 --> 00:14:27,558 a pool of blood underneath him. 378 00:14:27,559 --> 00:14:28,628 I can't tell you how long 379 00:14:28,629 --> 00:14:30,130 I've dreamed of this moment... in the game. 380 00:14:30,643 --> 00:14:31,782 Uh, Neil's sword? 381 00:14:31,783 --> 00:14:32,883 Clutched in the right hand of the body 382 00:14:32,953 --> 00:14:34,053 is the sword of Duquesne. 383 00:14:34,442 --> 00:14:36,709 Sir, I believe this is yours. 384 00:14:38,081 --> 00:14:38,877 Thank you, Jeff. 385 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,497 Once you get close enough to take the sword, 386 00:14:40,498 --> 00:14:41,531 you can see that this body, 387 00:14:41,842 --> 00:14:44,476 while definitely dying, is not Pierce. 388 00:14:44,543 --> 00:14:45,643 What? 389 00:14:45,708 --> 00:14:46,909 I turn it over. 390 00:14:46,975 --> 00:14:48,231 It's the gnome waiter from the tavern. 391 00:14:48,232 --> 00:14:50,631 What? No. Why? 392 00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:52,409 Good-bye, my friend. 393 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:54,476 Thank you for being so respectful toward me. 394 00:14:54,543 --> 00:14:56,594 Who did this to you, gnome waiter? 395 00:14:56,595 --> 00:14:58,361 I never saw his face. 396 00:14:58,742 --> 00:15:01,909 Just so you know... 397 00:15:01,975 --> 00:15:04,109 My name... 398 00:15:04,176 --> 00:15:05,342 was Kyle. 399 00:15:07,109 --> 00:15:08,975 Kyle. 400 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,942 Britta? 401 00:15:12,009 --> 00:15:14,476 He was an imaginary waiter. 402 00:15:14,543 --> 00:15:16,808 I wouldn't expect you to understand. 403 00:15:19,638 --> 00:15:20,735 Now. 404 00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:23,109 You hear a low rumble on the other side of the tree line, 405 00:15:23,176 --> 00:15:24,609 followed by a shrill screech 406 00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:26,675 and the beating of heavy wings against the sky. 407 00:15:26,742 --> 00:15:28,675 Wait, wings? 408 00:15:28,742 --> 00:15:30,176 What's going on? 409 00:15:30,242 --> 00:15:32,409 Tell me, Abed, are you familiar 410 00:15:32,476 --> 00:15:35,181 with the Amburg region of the Edylmann River basin? 411 00:15:35,182 --> 00:15:36,126 Of course I am. 412 00:15:36,238 --> 00:15:38,515 Then you'll know there's a reflecting pool 413 00:15:38,516 --> 00:15:41,950 with a very special amulet at the bottom of it... 414 00:15:41,993 --> 00:15:44,659 An amulet that allows the wearer 415 00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:47,126 full control over... 416 00:15:47,846 --> 00:15:48,700 Draconis! 417 00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:51,002 The hideous Draconis, an all-powerful red dragon, 418 00:15:51,003 --> 00:15:52,703 crashes through the trees into the clearing. 419 00:15:53,626 --> 00:15:54,778 Riding atop his shoulders, 420 00:15:54,779 --> 00:15:56,180 naked as the day he was born, 421 00:15:56,192 --> 00:15:59,192 and controlling Draconis with the amulet is... 422 00:15:59,949 --> 00:16:00,982 Say it! 423 00:16:01,984 --> 00:16:03,142 Pierce Hawthorne. 424 00:16:08,326 --> 00:16:09,992 Scream what I told you to scream! 425 00:16:10,059 --> 00:16:12,192 Pierce Hawthorne is my master! 426 00:16:12,793 --> 00:16:14,464 Prepare to meet your doom! 427 00:16:14,465 --> 00:16:16,899 I run towards Pierce with my broadsword drawn, 428 00:16:16,965 --> 00:16:19,398 - and I attack his... - Time stop! 429 00:16:20,442 --> 00:16:21,315 "Time stop"? 430 00:16:21,316 --> 00:16:22,582 Draconis has tons of spells. 431 00:16:22,783 --> 00:16:24,551 The six of you are completely frozen and helpless. 432 00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:26,583 This is why I wanted to play Chutes and Ladders. 433 00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:28,117 Fine, Pierce. You win. 434 00:16:28,184 --> 00:16:29,750 Just kill us and end this. 435 00:16:29,817 --> 00:16:32,184 Oh, no, killing's too good for you. 436 00:16:32,250 --> 00:16:35,650 Cast "shape change" on Duquesne. 437 00:16:37,350 --> 00:16:38,551 What shape do you choose for him? 438 00:16:38,616 --> 00:16:40,184 Fat. 439 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,917 - Pierce, stop it! - Pierce! 440 00:16:41,983 --> 00:16:43,350 Duquesne starts gaining weight. 441 00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:45,750 - How much? - Make him as fat as Fat Neil. 442 00:16:46,350 --> 00:16:47,179 Pierce! 443 00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:49,069 Oh, right, cry. 444 00:16:50,583 --> 00:16:52,184 Let it out. 445 00:16:52,250 --> 00:16:56,451 Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. 446 00:16:56,517 --> 00:16:59,384 You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends. 447 00:16:59,451 --> 00:17:01,184 They asked me to come here. 448 00:17:01,250 --> 00:17:02,616 You know why, right? 449 00:17:02,683 --> 00:17:06,983 I've got some fat news for you, Fat Neil. 450 00:17:07,050 --> 00:17:10,917 Don't you know why Jeff Winger, of all people, 451 00:17:10,983 --> 00:17:14,683 led the charge on the "Fat Neil Feel Good" committee? 452 00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:16,583 Way over the line, Pierce! 453 00:17:16,650 --> 00:17:18,484 I'll tell you why. 454 00:17:18,551 --> 00:17:20,243 Because I was there. 455 00:17:24,237 --> 00:17:26,495 Oh, they're down there by Fat Neil. 456 00:17:29,217 --> 00:17:30,515 That's right, Neil. 457 00:17:30,516 --> 00:17:32,483 Your new best friend, Jeff Winger, 458 00:17:32,716 --> 00:17:36,117 coined the name "Fat Neil." 459 00:17:36,184 --> 00:17:37,284 Jeffrey! 460 00:17:43,239 --> 00:17:45,572 Look, before you respond, I can make it up to you. 461 00:17:45,639 --> 00:17:47,172 I'll find a fatter Neil. 462 00:17:48,472 --> 00:17:49,372 Huzzah. 463 00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:52,663 You made up "Fat Neil"? 464 00:17:52,664 --> 00:17:54,254 Someone asked me where the restrooms were, 465 00:17:54,497 --> 00:17:55,964 and you were standing by them, 466 00:17:56,030 --> 00:17:59,430 but you were also standing kind of near, uh, other Neil. 467 00:17:59,469 --> 00:18:00,606 So call him Skinny Neil. 468 00:18:00,607 --> 00:18:01,840 He's actually not that skinny. 469 00:18:01,897 --> 00:18:04,126 He's bald! He's black! 470 00:18:04,127 --> 00:18:06,394 Well, I don't look at the world through that lens. 471 00:18:06,783 --> 00:18:08,403 I'm sorry. I shouldn't be high-roading you. 472 00:18:08,404 --> 00:18:09,389 I'm the bad guy. 473 00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:12,152 Now you can all hang out in suspended humiliation 474 00:18:12,249 --> 00:18:14,615 and think about what you learned today. 475 00:18:14,616 --> 00:18:18,550 One, don't screw with me. 476 00:18:18,616 --> 00:18:21,683 Two, invite me to your crap. 477 00:18:24,849 --> 00:18:25,579 Is it my turn? 478 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:26,723 Yes, but you can't move. 479 00:18:27,237 --> 00:18:28,747 That's fine. 480 00:18:29,936 --> 00:18:33,003 For my turn, I feel sorry for Pierce Hawthorne. 481 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:33,867 Save it. 482 00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:35,500 - No, I really do, man. - Good. 483 00:18:35,566 --> 00:18:38,188 For my turn, I rape the Duquesne family... 484 00:18:38,386 --> 00:18:39,285 Again. 485 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,062 Jeez. 486 00:18:40,063 --> 00:18:42,623 For my turn, I pity Pierce too. 487 00:18:42,624 --> 00:18:45,157 Trust me, kitten, I'm having the time of my life. 488 00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:47,032 I won. 489 00:18:47,099 --> 00:18:49,999 I won Dungeons & Dragons, and it was advanced. 490 00:18:50,534 --> 00:18:52,262 - I pity Pierce. - Knock it off. 491 00:18:52,263 --> 00:18:53,862 Yeah, you really outdid yourself this week. 492 00:18:54,058 --> 00:18:56,309 There's a lot of pain in you. I seriously feel bad. 493 00:18:56,327 --> 00:18:58,227 Feel sorry for your new fat BFF. 494 00:18:58,233 --> 00:18:59,666 No, we're done doing that. 495 00:18:59,733 --> 00:19:02,400 He's gonna be fine, aren't you, Neil? 496 00:19:02,466 --> 00:19:05,066 You, Pierce, I really worry about, 497 00:19:05,133 --> 00:19:06,400 at least for my turn, anyway. 498 00:19:06,466 --> 00:19:09,000 Well, how about this? Draconis, unfreeze time. 499 00:19:09,569 --> 00:19:11,129 Done. You guys can move again. 500 00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:13,309 - I breathe so much fire on you... - Hold it. 501 00:19:13,334 --> 00:19:15,325 You just used your move unfreezing time. 502 00:19:15,761 --> 00:19:16,479 Neil? 503 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,979 I take the sword of Duquesne, 504 00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:19,362 and I throw it at the amulet 505 00:19:19,363 --> 00:19:21,190 around the sad, naked man's neck. 506 00:19:21,191 --> 00:19:23,658 That's a difficult shot. You'll need an 18 or higher. 507 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:27,733 Oh, sweet baby Jesus. 508 00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:36,333 Yeah! 509 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:39,099 Yes! In your face! 510 00:19:39,166 --> 00:19:40,299 The sword smashes the amulet, 511 00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:41,800 freeing Draconis from its spell. 512 00:19:41,867 --> 00:19:44,880 The red dragon turns his head, grabs Pierce in his mighty jaws, 513 00:19:44,881 --> 00:19:45,885 and swallows him alive. 514 00:19:45,886 --> 00:19:48,186 - Oh, no! - Oh, Neil! 515 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,048 As a reward for freeing him, 516 00:19:50,049 --> 00:19:51,632 he flies your intrepid band to his cavern 517 00:19:51,633 --> 00:19:52,733 where he bestows his treasure upon you. 518 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,266 Congratulations on the completion 519 00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:55,533 of "Cavern of Draconis." 520 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,999 I've been your dungeon master. 521 00:19:57,066 --> 00:19:58,767 - I hope you had a good time. - Whoo! 522 00:19:58,833 --> 00:19:59,966 Excelsior. 523 00:20:10,078 --> 00:20:11,244 Hey. 524 00:20:12,248 --> 00:20:14,163 That was the best game I ever played in my life. 525 00:20:14,587 --> 00:20:15,741 Don't mention it. 526 00:20:15,742 --> 00:20:17,476 Want to play again next week? 527 00:20:19,097 --> 00:20:20,163 Maybe. 528 00:20:20,165 --> 00:20:22,974 Okay. I'll be around. 529 00:20:22,975 --> 00:20:25,090 And so it was that Pierce Hawthorne 530 00:20:25,481 --> 00:20:27,628 saved the life of Fat Neil, 531 00:20:27,629 --> 00:20:31,562 while learning very, very little. 532 00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:34,966 Good night. 533 00:20:39,551 --> 00:20:41,764 How could you possibly want giant ears over a tail? 534 00:20:41,765 --> 00:20:43,799 If you had a tail, people could always tell when you're happy. 535 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,023 Yes, but with giant ears, 536 00:20:45,024 --> 00:20:46,111 you could hear things from miles away, 537 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:47,768 and you could wear backpacks as earrings, 538 00:20:47,769 --> 00:20:49,069 which would free up your hands. 539 00:20:49,070 --> 00:20:50,548 Backpacks already free up your hands. 540 00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:51,833 Guys, what do you think? 541 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,557 We thought our group was meeting now. 542 00:20:59,606 --> 00:21:01,799 Tail is much better. 543 00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:02,520 Thank you. 544 00:21:02,521 --> 00:21:03,607 All in favor of giant ears? 545 00:21:08,455 --> 00:21:09,991 Mm, told ya.