1 00:00:01,442 --> 00:00:03,684 And that's how paleolithic hunting tribes 2 00:00:03,685 --> 00:00:05,944 overtook early agricultural civilizations. 3 00:00:06,552 --> 00:00:09,221 Ah. That's an interesting answer, miss Edison. 4 00:00:09,288 --> 00:00:11,890 - Is it right? - I Don't know. Don't care. 5 00:00:11,958 --> 00:00:13,475 But so far, you're all getting A's. 6 00:00:13,752 --> 00:00:14,872 Yes! 7 00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:16,412 You're welcome. 8 00:00:16,413 --> 00:00:18,365 Are you sure everyone should get A's? 9 00:00:18,436 --> 00:00:19,933 It seems a little unfair to the people 10 00:00:19,934 --> 00:00:21,160 that actually studied. 11 00:00:21,161 --> 00:00:23,528 Throw paper balls at her head until she sits down. 12 00:00:23,529 --> 00:00:24,704 Oh! What? 13 00:00:26,038 --> 00:00:28,790 - Sitting. I'm sitting. - Good. Very good. 14 00:00:28,857 --> 00:00:31,225 A-pluses for all of you. 15 00:00:32,895 --> 00:00:35,380 Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher 16 00:00:35,464 --> 00:00:36,514 when you're drinking. 17 00:00:36,582 --> 00:00:38,416 - Thank you, Darrell. - It's Troy. 18 00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:40,835 Hey, the man wants to give Darrell an "A," 19 00:00:40,903 --> 00:00:42,170 let him do it. 20 00:00:42,238 --> 00:00:45,622 - Nice shot. - Oh, thanks. 21 00:00:45,738 --> 00:00:51,108 A toast to the easiest school, the dumbest dean... 22 00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:53,565 And the ultimate blow off class. 23 00:00:53,649 --> 00:00:56,067 Anthropology. Who knew? 24 00:00:58,736 --> 00:00:59,936 - Hey, Shirley. - Hmm? 25 00:01:00,122 --> 00:01:01,122 You're not drinking. 26 00:01:01,190 --> 00:01:03,091 Someone is cruising for an A-minus. 27 00:01:03,158 --> 00:01:04,848 Oh, no, no, I'm with child. 28 00:01:04,849 --> 00:01:05,607 Well, if it's my child, 29 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:07,508 it's okay to have a drink or two. 30 00:01:07,585 --> 00:01:10,220 Chang babies love the sauce, you know? 31 00:01:10,288 --> 00:01:12,357 Alcohol and duck. 32 00:01:15,073 --> 00:01:16,055 Zoink. 33 00:01:17,503 --> 00:01:19,570 This is not your child, Chang. 34 00:01:19,696 --> 00:01:21,428 - It's Andre's. - How do you know? 35 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,749 Because I don't see any locusts. 36 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,102 Besides, a woman knows these things. 37 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,225 Women have a connectedness to their bodies, 38 00:01:27,226 --> 00:01:28,860 that you would never understand. 39 00:01:28,928 --> 00:01:31,212 You have a booger. 40 00:01:31,297 --> 00:01:33,164 I know. It's part of me. 41 00:01:33,232 --> 00:01:34,966 Hey. Can we please do the exam? 44 00:01:39,426 --> 00:01:40,546 Yeah! 45 00:01:41,407 --> 00:01:43,892 Here is to never telling the dean. 46 00:01:46,124 --> 00:01:47,244 Hi! 47 00:01:50,983 --> 00:01:54,202 And that is what Jews do at weddings. 48 00:01:54,286 --> 00:01:57,088 - Anthropology! - L'Chaim! 49 00:01:57,916 --> 00:02:02,416 Community 2x22 - Applied Anthropology and Culinary Arts 50 00:02:02,417 --> 00:02:07,417 Sync and corrected by vNaru www.addic7ed.com 51 00:02:23,783 --> 00:02:26,331 Oh, professor Duncan, class, 52 00:02:26,332 --> 00:02:28,015 this is Mr. Jacobson. 53 00:02:28,087 --> 00:02:30,755 He's a writer who's doing a piece on me 54 00:02:30,823 --> 00:02:32,457 for Dean Magazine. 55 00:02:32,525 --> 00:02:35,429 - Ah! - I know, right? 56 00:02:35,430 --> 00:02:36,529 Well, keep taking your exam. 57 00:02:36,538 --> 00:02:38,655 Don't let my presence distract you. 58 00:02:38,948 --> 00:02:41,366 I'm sort of a father figure to the kids around here 59 00:02:41,417 --> 00:02:44,869 for my "outside the box" approach to education. 60 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:48,072 You know, like that film Children of the Corn. 61 00:02:48,140 --> 00:02:51,142 Oh, professor. 62 00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:55,079 - Proceed. - Yes. 63 00:02:55,147 --> 00:02:58,917 The Anthropology final. 64 00:02:58,984 --> 00:03:03,154 Do you know what, I have left the exam paper in my office. 65 00:03:03,222 --> 00:03:05,140 But it is a real doozy. 66 00:03:05,224 --> 00:03:07,859 There is an interactive element. 67 00:03:07,927 --> 00:03:09,694 A performance component. 68 00:03:09,761 --> 00:03:11,262 And I don't want to tip it, 69 00:03:11,330 --> 00:03:15,600 but there may be a lump of clay coming to everyone in the room. 70 00:03:15,668 --> 00:03:18,820 So, uh, toodle-oo. Cheerio. 71 00:03:18,904 --> 00:03:22,574 Wowee. This is a real college. 72 00:03:23,239 --> 00:03:24,684 So after this, 73 00:03:24,685 --> 00:03:26,853 we should check out the world food festival 74 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,020 in the parking lot. 75 00:03:28,088 --> 00:03:29,163 No way. 76 00:03:29,170 --> 00:03:32,979 There are lunch trucks with 18 different nationalities 77 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:33,608 of food. 78 00:03:33,609 --> 00:03:36,527 You know what, not different. Equal. Equal to whites. 79 00:03:36,528 --> 00:03:38,769 You know what, better than whites. 80 00:03:38,770 --> 00:03:40,003 Oh, I think that sounds 81 00:03:40,071 --> 00:03:42,673 like an awesome thing to do,immediately. 82 00:03:42,740 --> 00:03:47,511 I bet the reader of Dean Magazine would love it. 83 00:03:48,789 --> 00:03:50,305 I'm good. I'd like to stay here and check out 84 00:03:50,306 --> 00:03:52,023 this unorthodox exam. 85 00:03:54,361 --> 00:03:55,980 - Shirley, you okay? - Uh-huh. 86 00:03:55,981 --> 00:03:57,582 Just a little indigestion. 87 00:03:57,864 --> 00:03:59,217 I've been having it all morning. 88 00:03:59,218 --> 00:04:00,485 Are you sure it isn't contractions? 89 00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:03,154 No, no, no. It's way too early for any of that. 90 00:04:03,222 --> 00:04:05,289 Um, my other two came right on schedule. 91 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:06,924 Maybe even a little late. 92 00:04:06,992 --> 00:04:08,025 Jordan was in here so long, 93 00:04:08,093 --> 00:04:09,627 he came out with a driver's license. 94 00:04:09,678 --> 00:04:13,441 I'm kidding. That's not true. Ooh. 95 00:04:13,442 --> 00:04:15,392 Chang babies are always premature. 96 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,985 We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients. 97 00:04:18,070 --> 00:04:19,303 Some need only eight months, 98 00:04:19,371 --> 00:04:22,007 depending on how much of the mother they eat. 99 00:04:23,175 --> 00:04:28,162 Oh, uh, Shirley, that is full of chemicals. 100 00:04:28,247 --> 00:04:29,997 I wouldn't expose your baby to that. 101 00:04:30,082 --> 00:04:32,350 Actually, my doctor said antacid is safe to take. 102 00:04:32,417 --> 00:04:34,252 Yeah, let me guess who paid for that study. 103 00:04:34,319 --> 00:04:35,753 Big antacid. 104 00:04:35,821 --> 00:04:37,889 Shirley, chew on a eucalyptus root 105 00:04:37,956 --> 00:04:40,875 and I know it sounds gross... pig saliva. 106 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,427 It's the same active ingredient as antacid. 107 00:04:43,495 --> 00:04:45,179 They just dress it up with a fancy name. 108 00:04:45,264 --> 00:04:46,397 How dare they. 109 00:04:46,465 --> 00:04:47,473 Hey, you want to see a movie today? 110 00:04:47,474 --> 00:04:49,024 - Word. - Cool. 111 00:04:49,101 --> 00:04:53,471 - Hey, guys, why do you do that? - Do what? 112 00:04:55,107 --> 00:04:57,508 - It's cool. - How? 113 00:04:57,576 --> 00:04:59,510 I don't know. It just is. 114 00:04:59,578 --> 00:05:02,647 Well, let me in. Let me in to the handshake. 115 00:05:02,698 --> 00:05:04,482 I'll give you $1,000. 116 00:05:07,052 --> 00:05:09,487 - Indecent Proposal. - Indecent Proposal. 117 00:05:09,555 --> 00:05:10,988 - Woody. - Demi. 118 00:05:11,056 --> 00:05:12,292 Nice. 119 00:05:25,237 --> 00:05:28,005 You two gonna fall in love? 120 00:05:28,056 --> 00:05:29,206 No. 121 00:05:29,274 --> 00:05:31,609 I don't know. 122 00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:37,915 So have you considered natural childbirth? 123 00:05:37,983 --> 00:05:40,117 Are you kidding me? I'll take whatever they got. 124 00:05:40,185 --> 00:05:42,119 An epidural is a proper Christian woman's only chance 125 00:05:42,187 --> 00:05:43,187 to get wrecked. 126 00:05:43,255 --> 00:05:44,355 Yeah, but from what I'm told, 127 00:05:44,423 --> 00:05:46,123 the real high is the endorphin rush 128 00:05:46,191 --> 00:05:47,558 of a chemical-free birth. 129 00:05:47,626 --> 00:05:49,059 I read an article that said 130 00:05:49,111 --> 00:05:51,028 some women can actually achieve or... 131 00:05:51,079 --> 00:05:53,664 Uh-uh, no, no, no. Thank you for the conversation. 132 00:05:53,732 --> 00:05:54,916 I know what you're talking about. 133 00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,033 And even if it were true, 134 00:05:56,101 --> 00:05:57,268 that's not something a woman does 135 00:05:57,336 --> 00:05:58,252 on her child's head. 136 00:05:58,337 --> 00:05:59,145 - But... - Mmm! 137 00:05:59,146 --> 00:06:00,079 Listen, backseat birther, 138 00:06:00,539 --> 00:06:02,373 Shirley's on her third kid. 139 00:06:02,441 --> 00:06:03,908 She doesn't need a third-year-old slacker 140 00:06:03,976 --> 00:06:05,910 with two one-eyed cats governing her body. 141 00:06:05,978 --> 00:06:08,879 First of all, together, my cats can do anything. 142 00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:11,282 Secondly, you disqualified yourself from this conversation 143 00:06:11,350 --> 00:06:13,250 the moment you decided to grow a wang. 144 00:06:13,302 --> 00:06:14,385 I regret nothing. 145 00:06:14,453 --> 00:06:15,686 I feel sorry for the airhead 146 00:06:15,754 --> 00:06:17,555 that you're gonna knock up at the age of 70. 147 00:06:17,623 --> 00:06:19,023 You're gonna be sitting in the waiting room 148 00:06:19,090 --> 00:06:20,324 playing Solitaire on your BlackBerry 149 00:06:20,392 --> 00:06:22,960 while a life is created ten feet from you. 150 00:06:23,028 --> 00:06:25,963 Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook 151 00:06:26,031 --> 00:06:28,631 and a beautiful star child is going to slide out 152 00:06:28,632 --> 00:06:31,291 on a ray of sunshine while your cats each half watch 153 00:06:31,292 --> 00:06:32,659 because you're so natural. 154 00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:37,074 Oh-oh. Okay. Oh, boy. 155 00:06:37,125 --> 00:06:40,344 Can someone please get every mop on campus? 156 00:06:40,412 --> 00:06:43,481 Um, did you break water? Is that broken water? 157 00:06:43,548 --> 00:06:45,916 - That's broken water! - Chang baby! 158 00:06:49,082 --> 00:06:51,331 Just nice and easy, careful... 159 00:06:51,451 --> 00:06:53,832 Oh, father, God almighty, this isn't happening. 160 00:06:53,916 --> 00:06:55,000 It's too soon. 161 00:06:55,084 --> 00:06:56,451 I don't want my baby's first memory 162 00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:59,688 - to be star-burns. - Oh, goodness. Ok, alright. 163 00:06:59,756 --> 00:07:02,657 This is not a big deal. Wait. I mean, it is a big deal. 164 00:07:02,725 --> 00:07:05,293 It's just not a big bad deal. It's a big good deal. 165 00:07:05,345 --> 00:07:06,695 If I could have everyone's attention... 166 00:07:06,763 --> 00:07:08,830 Actually would like not to have your attention. 167 00:07:08,898 --> 00:07:10,482 Okay, give me your attention. 168 00:07:10,550 --> 00:07:13,235 This student is having a baby. What am I talking about? 169 00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,503 You already know. 170 00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:15,954 Okay, here's... Okay, here's what it is. 171 00:07:16,022 --> 00:07:17,138 I'm gonna go get my Prius, 172 00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:18,524 I'm gonna pull around the back, 173 00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,058 and I'm gonna drive her to the hospital. 174 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,977 I drive a Prius, which I think is pretty cool. 175 00:07:23,029 --> 00:07:25,048 - Dean, go! - Okay, dean gone. 176 00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,801 Can you please call Andre? 177 00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:28,650 He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone. 178 00:07:28,701 --> 00:07:29,899 That hurts, Shirley. 179 00:07:29,900 --> 00:07:33,236 Oh, oh, I'll get it because I am here for you. 180 00:07:33,589 --> 00:07:35,323 We came so close to having one class 181 00:07:35,391 --> 00:07:36,825 that wasn't all about them. 182 00:07:36,893 --> 00:07:38,560 Remember when they all took that fishing trip 183 00:07:38,628 --> 00:07:39,761 on St. Patrick's Day? 184 00:07:39,829 --> 00:07:41,162 God, that was a good week. 185 00:07:41,214 --> 00:07:43,298 This has got to be a Chang baby. 186 00:07:43,349 --> 00:07:44,900 Changs are never born in hospitals. 187 00:07:44,967 --> 00:07:47,969 More like taxicabs, hardware stores, 188 00:07:48,020 --> 00:07:49,304 bank lines, sewers. 189 00:07:49,355 --> 00:07:51,273 My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill 190 00:07:51,340 --> 00:07:52,974 at bally total fitness. 191 00:07:53,025 --> 00:07:54,559 20% incline. 192 00:07:54,644 --> 00:07:56,817 "Sugar Boots" says that he'll meet us at the hospital. 193 00:07:56,818 --> 00:07:59,903 Good. Now can somebody do something about him? 194 00:08:00,283 --> 00:08:02,016 I'm just saying nobody needs to freak out. 195 00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:04,920 A Chang is hearty to the core. We always come out healthy. 196 00:08:04,987 --> 00:08:06,371 That's why there's like a billion of us. 197 00:08:06,456 --> 00:08:08,323 You ever tried googling me? Can't be done! 198 00:08:08,374 --> 00:08:10,633 Ben, you have to stop freaking her out. 199 00:08:10,634 --> 00:08:11,767 Hey, show me some respect. 200 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,526 I might be that child's estranged father. 201 00:08:14,797 --> 00:08:17,716 - Well, what's it gonna be? - What? 202 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,401 I want to buy the rights to your handshake. 203 00:08:19,469 --> 00:08:20,902 Do we have a deal? 204 00:08:20,970 --> 00:08:22,871 Pierce, we're about to take Shirley to the hospital. 205 00:08:22,922 --> 00:08:24,145 This is not the time. 206 00:08:24,146 --> 00:08:25,379 Oh, it's the time. 207 00:08:25,591 --> 00:08:28,760 According to my watch, it's 1,000 o'clock. 208 00:08:28,845 --> 00:08:30,345 - Deal. - Deal. 209 00:08:30,413 --> 00:08:31,848 Great. 210 00:08:33,264 --> 00:08:34,657 - So how does it work? - I don't know. 211 00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:35,645 We just kind of do it 212 00:08:35,646 --> 00:08:37,171 when one of us says something awesome. 213 00:08:37,172 --> 00:08:40,341 - Yeah. - All right. Betty Grable. 214 00:08:43,045 --> 00:08:45,263 I said Betty Grable. 215 00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,393 - No. - Yes. 216 00:09:00,562 --> 00:09:03,397 - No. - Do it. 217 00:09:03,449 --> 00:09:06,536 Make your money, whore. 218 00:09:12,675 --> 00:09:14,759 Who's Betty Grable? 219 00:09:14,843 --> 00:09:16,210 Yeah, that's the stuff. 220 00:09:18,545 --> 00:09:20,761 Try to take deep breaths and relax. 221 00:09:21,275 --> 00:09:23,226 - Where is the dean? - Oh, my God! 222 00:09:23,277 --> 00:09:24,961 - Okay. - Everything's wet! 223 00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:26,757 - Eew! - Oh. Oh, that's okay. 224 00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:28,342 That's okay, because it is natural. 225 00:09:29,330 --> 00:09:30,593 It's natural. 226 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:32,273 Are you uncomfortable, Britta? 227 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,331 - You wish. - Oh! 228 00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:37,501 - Oh. Okay. Ooh. - $400. $500. 229 00:09:37,568 --> 00:09:39,653 It's like a million bucks in dog dollars. 230 00:09:39,737 --> 00:09:41,540 Word. 231 00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:46,761 - What happened? - Something's off. 232 00:09:48,246 --> 00:09:51,515 It's like buying candy from a baby. 233 00:09:51,582 --> 00:09:53,250 What did you do? You ruined it! 234 00:09:53,317 --> 00:09:54,668 Troy, give him back the money. 235 00:09:54,752 --> 00:09:57,337 No, no, no. Money doesn't matter anymore. 236 00:09:57,422 --> 00:10:00,207 Once you've sold something out, you can't get it back. 237 00:10:00,291 --> 00:10:01,625 But you didn't even like our handshake! 238 00:10:01,676 --> 00:10:03,527 I hated it. Now it's gone. 239 00:10:03,594 --> 00:10:07,731 You two are dumber than Jackie Coogan. 240 00:10:07,799 --> 00:10:11,735 He divorced to Betty Grable. 241 00:10:13,538 --> 00:10:15,389 Jeff, Pierce tainted our special handshake 242 00:10:15,473 --> 00:10:16,365 with his blood money 243 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,950 and now we can't get the magic back! 244 00:10:17,975 --> 00:10:19,893 Holy crap. You two for real? 245 00:10:19,977 --> 00:10:21,144 Yeah. 246 00:10:21,212 --> 00:10:22,896 Nobody cares about your stupid handshake. 247 00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:24,514 A baby is coming out of Shirley's vagina 248 00:10:24,565 --> 00:10:26,015 - two feet from us. - Don't worry. 249 00:10:26,067 --> 00:10:27,751 Her contractions are still six minutes apart. 250 00:10:27,819 --> 00:10:29,886 So unless her cervix is dilated more than eight centimeters, 251 00:10:29,954 --> 00:10:32,790 we still have time to get her to a hospital. 252 00:10:34,058 --> 00:10:35,292 I delivered a baby earlier this year 253 00:10:35,359 --> 00:10:36,293 in the back of an SUV. 254 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:37,159 - What? - Hmm-hmm. 255 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:38,193 Where was I when that happened? 256 00:10:38,563 --> 00:10:40,881 I don't know. Off in the background. 257 00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:43,867 - Did you pull your car up? - Uh, no. 258 00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:46,219 - It's been overturned! - What? 259 00:10:46,304 --> 00:10:49,089 Okay, look, I don't want to alarm anyone, 260 00:10:49,157 --> 00:10:52,375 but the world food festival has taken a dark turn. 261 00:10:52,427 --> 00:10:54,778 I guess some national ethnicities 262 00:10:54,846 --> 00:10:56,229 don't play nice with others 263 00:10:56,314 --> 00:11:00,066 and things have turned into a bit of a race... 264 00:11:00,151 --> 00:11:02,219 - Kerfuffle. - You mean riot? 265 00:11:02,286 --> 00:11:06,406 Uh, let's use kerfuffle for now, okay, Mr. Winger? 266 00:11:06,491 --> 00:11:10,560 I was just trying to feed hungry foodies. 267 00:11:10,611 --> 00:11:11,651 I'm going to call an ambulance. 268 00:11:11,652 --> 00:11:13,470 Oh, there's ambulances out there! 269 00:11:13,531 --> 00:11:15,564 They're overturning those too! 270 00:11:15,850 --> 00:11:18,547 I mean, I didn't even know there was a difference 271 00:11:18,548 --> 00:11:20,945 between North and South Korean barbeque. 272 00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:23,699 I mean, M*A*S*H lasted longer than that war. 273 00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,636 Get over it. Am I right? Don't print that. 274 00:11:26,703 --> 00:11:29,604 Let's just quit jotting. Stop writing! 275 00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:31,539 Okay, 911 says it's gonna take over an hour 276 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,241 because of a race kerfuffle. 277 00:11:33,309 --> 00:11:36,428 Lake Woebegone. Eeh! 278 00:11:36,512 --> 00:11:38,346 Abed, what do we do? 279 00:11:38,414 --> 00:11:39,714 Shirley, pretend I'm saying this 280 00:11:39,765 --> 00:11:42,183 in a soothing, reassuring, non-robotic voice. 281 00:11:42,234 --> 00:11:43,286 We're not going to make it to the hospital. 282 00:11:43,287 --> 00:11:44,241 Yes, I am. 283 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:45,634 I'm going to have this baby in a hospital 284 00:11:45,702 --> 00:11:47,630 with my husband and the father of my baby. 285 00:11:47,813 --> 00:11:48,863 Unless that father is me. 286 00:11:48,931 --> 00:11:50,932 In which case, what you need to do now 287 00:11:50,983 --> 00:11:52,367 is elevate your legs over your head 288 00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:54,889 while facing the northeast corner of the room. 289 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:56,691 But try not to look at the door, okay? 290 00:11:56,775 --> 00:11:58,976 That's bad luck and Chang babies are very superstitious. 291 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:03,511 Also if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon, 292 00:12:03,512 --> 00:12:05,513 it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries. 293 00:12:05,581 --> 00:12:08,149 Ben, corner. 294 00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:12,420 Listen, Shirley, we're having the baby right here, right now. 295 00:12:12,487 --> 00:12:14,922 - Okay. - Okay. 296 00:12:14,990 --> 00:12:16,657 Troy, get every blanket and coat you can find. 297 00:12:16,725 --> 00:12:17,992 Anything soft for Shirley to lie on. 298 00:12:18,043 --> 00:12:19,093 Annie, I need you to call Andre 299 00:12:19,161 --> 00:12:20,494 and tell him to meet us here instead. 300 00:12:20,546 --> 00:12:22,497 - Well, what can I do? - Stop rubbing her shoulders. 301 00:12:22,564 --> 00:12:26,052 - What are you doing? - Being natural. 302 00:12:26,053 --> 00:12:27,920 Jeff, help me move Shirley to the ground. 303 00:12:27,972 --> 00:12:30,023 All right, just stand right here. 304 00:12:31,063 --> 00:12:34,046 Easy. Easy. Troy, blankets. There we go. 305 00:12:34,047 --> 00:12:35,097 Okay. 306 00:12:35,535 --> 00:12:36,702 I just need to take a look 307 00:12:36,753 --> 00:12:37,768 and see how far along you are. 308 00:12:37,769 --> 00:12:39,042 Oh, no, I'm sorry, Abed. 309 00:12:39,043 --> 00:12:40,994 I don't feel comfortable with you taking a grand tour 310 00:12:41,004 --> 00:12:41,970 of my nethers. 311 00:12:42,038 --> 00:12:43,372 I'd prefer it was one of the girls. 312 00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,054 I can do it! I can do it! I'm good at looking! 313 00:12:46,107 --> 00:12:48,885 I'm here for you, Shirley. Okay, what do I do? 314 00:12:48,886 --> 00:12:50,625 Okay, you just need to look and see if the baby's head 315 00:12:50,626 --> 00:12:54,463 - has reached the cervix. - No problowe, Rob Lowe. 316 00:13:11,392 --> 00:13:13,293 I take it the head has reached the cervix. 317 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:19,981 Oh, God, okay, oh God, alright. 318 00:13:20,101 --> 00:13:22,403 Not to worry. This kind of thing happens all the time. 319 00:13:22,470 --> 00:13:24,438 Are a lot of babies born in classrooms? 320 00:13:24,506 --> 00:13:26,139 Well, a lot more are conceived. 321 00:13:27,325 --> 00:13:30,261 No, Paul, that's off the record and not true. Sort of. 322 00:13:30,328 --> 00:13:31,495 - Annie. - Got to go. 323 00:13:31,563 --> 00:13:33,097 Hey, okay, due to an unforeseen conflict 324 00:13:33,165 --> 00:13:34,432 of genitals, I've been disqualified 325 00:13:34,499 --> 00:13:35,666 from delivering Shirley's baby 326 00:13:35,734 --> 00:13:37,068 so I'm gonna have to walk you through it. 327 00:13:37,135 --> 00:13:38,369 I can't deliver a baby. 328 00:13:38,437 --> 00:13:39,537 I'm not properly prepared. 329 00:13:39,604 --> 00:13:41,038 I need to take a class, or read a book, 330 00:13:41,106 --> 00:13:43,040 or shadow a nurse, or at least have my mom hug me first. 331 00:13:43,108 --> 00:13:45,376 Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm seeing spots. 332 00:13:45,444 --> 00:13:47,144 Oh, my lord, my lord, 333 00:13:47,195 --> 00:13:48,913 why are you doing these things to me? 334 00:13:48,980 --> 00:13:50,247 How have I failed you? 335 00:13:50,315 --> 00:13:52,116 Either way, someone's got to calm her down. 336 00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:55,386 I got this. Shirley, look at me. 337 00:13:55,454 --> 00:13:57,821 Look at my face. 338 00:13:57,873 --> 00:14:02,726 Connect with me. 339 00:14:02,794 --> 00:14:04,228 ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ 340 00:14:04,296 --> 00:14:06,547 - What in the hell? - I don't know what to do! 341 00:14:06,631 --> 00:14:09,333 - Chang! Where's Chang? - What's up, baby? 342 00:14:09,384 --> 00:14:11,835 You said Chang babies all come this way? 343 00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:13,370 Yeah, like a bullet from a gun. 344 00:14:13,438 --> 00:14:15,773 - And they're all okay? - Hell, yeah. 345 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,942 More than okay. Super babies. 346 00:14:18,009 --> 00:14:20,010 Seven generations of little scrappers 347 00:14:20,078 --> 00:14:22,279 born in the worst conditions you can imagine. 348 00:14:22,347 --> 00:14:23,614 Tell me. 349 00:14:23,681 --> 00:14:25,616 My cousin slid out feet first in a pickle barrel. 350 00:14:25,684 --> 00:14:27,551 My uncle was born during rainy season 351 00:14:27,619 --> 00:14:29,203 in a Mongolian sheep pasture. 352 00:14:29,287 --> 00:14:31,655 My brother, hmm, born under a crowded noodle bar 353 00:14:31,723 --> 00:14:34,058 while my grandfather finished his happy dancing shrimp. 354 00:14:34,126 --> 00:14:35,493 Nothing can stop us. 355 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,212 Not the hurricanes. Not the communists. 356 00:14:38,296 --> 00:14:40,397 Not the feds. Not the girl scouts. 357 00:14:40,465 --> 00:14:42,199 What are you doing? Get in there. 358 00:14:42,250 --> 00:14:44,235 Me? Forget it. I'm the worst. 359 00:14:44,302 --> 00:14:47,304 Well, that's a discussion for a different time. 360 00:14:47,372 --> 00:14:50,306 Look, Britta, there is something in you 361 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:52,075 that wants to take care of people so bad 362 00:14:52,143 --> 00:14:53,810 that you'll do it until you puke. 363 00:14:53,878 --> 00:14:55,679 That's what Shirley needs right now. 364 00:14:55,746 --> 00:14:57,581 Are you saying I'll be a good mom? 365 00:14:57,648 --> 00:14:59,054 What? No. 366 00:14:59,192 --> 00:15:01,360 Man, you will really force anything, won't you? 367 00:15:01,411 --> 00:15:05,831 Just get in there and force that baby out of Shirley. 368 00:15:05,899 --> 00:15:08,901 Step aside, people! Britta for the win! 369 00:15:10,729 --> 00:15:13,797 Get out of my way. Okay. I am ready. 370 00:15:13,849 --> 00:15:16,467 Abed, walk me through this. 371 00:15:16,518 --> 00:15:17,634 Okay, at each contraction, 372 00:15:17,686 --> 00:15:19,236 you need to tell Shirley to push. 373 00:15:19,304 --> 00:15:20,471 That's it? 374 00:15:20,522 --> 00:15:21,773 Well, don't tell any doctors I said this, 375 00:15:21,774 --> 00:15:22,513 but at this point in time, 376 00:15:22,514 --> 00:15:23,603 the bus pretty much drives itself. 377 00:15:23,604 --> 00:15:24,937 Who exactly is the bus in this scenario? Oh! 378 00:15:25,022 --> 00:15:27,455 - Oooooh! - Push! 379 00:15:28,332 --> 00:15:32,032 - Push, push, push. - Push, push, push. 380 00:15:33,693 --> 00:15:34,993 Shirley. Push. 381 00:15:35,154 --> 00:15:37,048 The head is out! 382 00:15:37,049 --> 00:15:40,284 Now feel under the neck for the umbilical cord. 383 00:15:40,352 --> 00:15:41,452 There's no chord. 384 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:42,987 I think that's a good thing, Britta. 385 00:15:43,055 --> 00:15:45,490 Oh, I am nailing this! You're doing great too. 386 00:15:45,557 --> 00:15:47,792 Chang, more stories. 387 00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:49,060 Okay, so in World War II, 388 00:15:49,128 --> 00:15:51,028 a lot of us were rounded up in labor camps. 389 00:15:51,079 --> 00:15:52,380 Mining mostly. 390 00:15:52,464 --> 00:15:54,549 Hundreds of Changs were born underneath the earth. 391 00:15:54,633 --> 00:15:57,752 Most spent their first five years underground. 392 00:15:57,836 --> 00:16:01,172 - Hey, I'm here. - Oh, Andre! 393 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:03,541 Okay. Hi, baby. 394 00:16:03,592 --> 00:16:05,393 - It's gonna be all right. - Okay. 395 00:16:05,477 --> 00:16:07,345 It's okay, ma'am. We can take it from here. 396 00:16:07,396 --> 00:16:08,729 Guys, I got it. I'm in the zone. 397 00:16:08,814 --> 00:16:10,598 Okay, come on, Shirley. Come on, Shirley. 398 00:16:10,682 --> 00:16:12,283 Come on, Shirley. Push push push. 399 00:16:12,351 --> 00:16:13,384 - Push it! - Push! 400 00:16:13,452 --> 00:16:15,886 Here it comes! It's baby Greendale! 401 00:16:15,938 --> 00:16:17,421 You guys don't have to name it that. 402 00:16:17,489 --> 00:16:19,590 I don't claim that power. I'm merely the deliverer. 403 00:16:19,658 --> 00:16:22,026 - Britta, focus. - Oh, doy. Okay. 404 00:16:22,094 --> 00:16:26,247 Push, push, push... 405 00:16:26,331 --> 00:16:28,099 Oh, it's a boy! 406 00:16:29,568 --> 00:16:32,837 And it's also a black person! 407 00:16:32,905 --> 00:16:34,505 Not that that's important. 408 00:16:34,573 --> 00:16:36,674 - Are you sure it's yours, baby? - Yes. 409 00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:38,092 It's definitely his. 410 00:16:38,177 --> 00:16:39,277 I never told you this part, 411 00:16:39,344 --> 00:16:42,113 but all Changs are born with tails. 412 00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:45,016 You kind of dodged a bullet there. 413 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:47,552 Agh! Ugh! 414 00:16:47,619 --> 00:16:51,355 Did that just happen? 415 00:16:51,423 --> 00:16:54,261 - It's back. - It never left. 416 00:16:56,929 --> 00:16:59,197 - Hi. - Oh. 417 00:17:03,302 --> 00:17:08,206 - Oh, we did it, sugar boots. - No, you did it, baby. 418 00:17:08,273 --> 00:17:09,373 Congratulations, sir. 419 00:17:09,441 --> 00:17:11,809 After a fierce campaign, I happily concede 420 00:17:11,877 --> 00:17:13,077 this baby to you. 421 00:17:13,145 --> 00:17:16,414 - Pretty classy of me. - Thank you, Chang. 422 00:17:16,465 --> 00:17:18,249 Couldn't have done this without you. 423 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,468 - No bigs. - Andre. 424 00:17:20,552 --> 00:17:21,636 Yeah. 425 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,355 I think I want to name him after Ben. 426 00:17:24,423 --> 00:17:25,423 - What? - Hmm? 427 00:17:25,490 --> 00:17:27,058 - Really? - Really? 428 00:17:27,125 --> 00:17:28,693 Yeah. I mean, you may not be his father, 429 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,063 but you helped bring him into the world. 430 00:17:32,130 --> 00:17:35,816 All right, well, we'll have our own little baby Ben... 431 00:17:35,901 --> 00:17:37,969 - Bennett. - Ben Bennett? 432 00:17:38,036 --> 00:17:39,237 - Mm-hmm. - Oh, damn. 433 00:17:39,304 --> 00:17:41,656 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. No, no. No, that's fine. 434 00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:47,245 Ben Bennett. Hi, Ben Bennett. 435 00:17:47,312 --> 00:17:48,579 Oh, look, he said Chang. 436 00:17:48,647 --> 00:17:50,147 - No. - No, he didn't. 437 00:17:51,875 --> 00:17:54,742 - See? Nothing to it. - Yeah. 438 00:17:55,122 --> 00:17:56,206 Can you believe that's how we come 439 00:17:56,207 --> 00:17:57,173 into this world? 440 00:17:57,241 --> 00:18:00,160 Screaming, crying, covered in crap? 441 00:18:00,244 --> 00:18:01,879 And then somewhere along the lines, 442 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,615 we get it into our heads that we're destined 443 00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:04,453 for greatness. 444 00:18:04,454 --> 00:18:06,155 We are. I just yanked a little dude 445 00:18:06,223 --> 00:18:08,324 out of my friend. 446 00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:12,295 Yeah. I guess we passed Anthropology. 447 00:18:12,362 --> 00:18:15,030 Look at how teeny his hands are. 448 00:18:15,082 --> 00:18:16,299 You're so little, right? 449 00:18:16,366 --> 00:18:17,900 His fingers are like good & plenties. 450 00:18:17,968 --> 00:18:19,869 I know. I want to eat them. 451 00:18:19,936 --> 00:18:22,872 - Which is lame. - Totally. 452 00:18:22,939 --> 00:18:24,173 This has been quite a day. 453 00:18:24,241 --> 00:18:25,875 You can expect a cover story in the next issue. 454 00:18:25,942 --> 00:18:27,943 In a good way? 455 00:18:28,011 --> 00:18:32,214 Like an article about what a good dean I am? 456 00:18:32,265 --> 00:18:34,118 Absolutely. 457 00:18:35,886 --> 00:18:37,388 I did it. 458 00:18:39,055 --> 00:18:43,993 I did it. I am a good dean. 459 00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:49,132 I am a good dean! Whoo! 460 00:19:00,528 --> 00:19:02,058 Are you sure you want to do this? 461 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,514 I know people do it in movies all the time, 462 00:19:03,515 --> 00:19:05,279 but there are bound to be real world consequences. 463 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:06,613 I know, but if we take that test today, 464 00:19:06,681 --> 00:19:09,449 we are definitely going to fail it. 465 00:19:09,517 --> 00:19:13,987 Okay, let's do it. 466 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:26,650 What are you guys doing? 467 00:19:31,990 --> 00:19:34,424 Cancel school today or we tell everybody about this. 468 00:19:35,205 --> 00:19:36,207 Deal.