1 00:00:01,970 --> 00:00:04,651 Hi, everybody. I'm Jeff... 2 00:00:04,931 --> 00:00:10,104 Mr. Winger, and this is Fundamentals of Law. 3 00:00:13,773 --> 00:00:16,242 Any questions? You, Red Hair. 4 00:00:16,401 --> 00:00:18,786 - Not gonna learn names. - Will there be a syllabus? 5 00:00:18,945 --> 00:00:22,160 "Will there be a syllabus?" Good example of a question. Moving on. 6 00:00:22,324 --> 00:00:24,127 - Ski Cap. - How are we gonna be graded? 7 00:00:24,284 --> 00:00:25,625 Oh, no spoilers, Ski Cap. 8 00:00:27,746 --> 00:00:28,837 We better do names. 9 00:00:28,997 --> 00:00:31,417 Dave. What percent of our grade will the final be? 10 00:00:31,583 --> 00:00:34,596 Come on, guys, percentages, grades, that syllabus thing... 11 00:00:34,753 --> 00:00:37,600 Are we human beings or just question-and-answer machines? 12 00:00:38,006 --> 00:00:39,513 We're students... 13 00:00:39,674 --> 00:00:41,929 ...and you're a teacher. 14 00:00:43,220 --> 00:00:44,726 Yeah. 15 00:00:44,888 --> 00:00:46,810 I'm a teacher. 16 00:00:50,685 --> 00:00:51,813 Did you see that? 17 00:00:51,978 --> 00:00:54,908 That teacher just leered at me. 18 00:00:55,065 --> 00:00:58,162 Hey, look, it's the star of Head of the Ass. 19 00:00:58,318 --> 00:01:02,245 Shut up, Leonard. Nice earring. Like the road manager for the California Raisins. 20 00:01:02,697 --> 00:01:05,118 What kind of teacher talks to a student like that? 21 00:01:05,283 --> 00:01:07,288 - Right? - Yeah. 22 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,507 Fresh meat, huh? 23 00:01:15,669 --> 00:01:17,057 Yeah, Jeff Winger, Law. 24 00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:21,726 Buzz Hickey, Criminology. You can have that half of the office... 25 00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:25,727 ...but come spring, that corner is stacked to the rafters with fetal pigs. 26 00:01:25,887 --> 00:01:29,316 I won't be here that long. This is sort of a temporary gig for me. 27 00:01:29,474 --> 00:01:34,314 I get it. Teaching to make ends meet until a real job comes along, yeah, me too. 28 00:01:34,479 --> 00:01:37,528 - Oh, cool. How long have you been...? - Fifteen years. 29 00:01:38,567 --> 00:01:41,153 Fifteen years and counting. 30 00:01:41,319 --> 00:01:43,241 "Temporary gig." 31 00:01:43,864 --> 00:01:46,414 Oh, I like you. 32 00:02:12,225 --> 00:02:14,028 The new table turned out great, Abed. 33 00:02:15,437 --> 00:02:16,529 Splendid varnishing. 34 00:02:16,688 --> 00:02:18,076 "Table Mark II"? 35 00:02:18,231 --> 00:02:20,118 I added that, and a few custom upgrades. 36 00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:23,621 It's voice-activated. Table, resume table mode. 37 00:02:25,906 --> 00:02:28,871 - Table, power down. - Wait. I got a cup on there. 38 00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:30,790 Oh, teacher man. 39 00:02:30,952 --> 00:02:33,088 - Mr. Winger. - Professor Winger. 40 00:02:33,246 --> 00:02:35,382 Please don't razz me about being a teacher. 41 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:37,795 Teaching's the most noble profession in the world. 42 00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:41,423 Tell that to the guy that shares my office. Fixes cuckoo clocks for fun. 43 00:02:41,588 --> 00:02:43,973 Sounds like Mr. Hickey, my criminology professor. 44 00:02:44,132 --> 00:02:46,268 I hope you'll be a better teacher than him. 45 00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:47,600 Annie, I don't know law. 46 00:02:47,761 --> 00:02:49,481 I wasn't a real lawyer, remember? 47 00:02:49,638 --> 00:02:51,809 I can't just pretend I'm teaching. 48 00:02:51,973 --> 00:02:53,065 I'm not MythBusters. 49 00:02:53,558 --> 00:02:57,106 There's a two-day course called Nicolas Cage: Good or Bad? I'm signing up. 50 00:02:57,270 --> 00:03:00,699 Always wanted to know. Nicolas is one of pop culture's great mysteries. 51 00:03:00,857 --> 00:03:02,530 Course on Nicolas. Mention Jesus... 52 00:03:02,692 --> 00:03:05,955 - ...to your teacher, you get a warning. - Jesus wasn't in 70 movies. 53 00:03:06,112 --> 00:03:07,287 I'm in. Cage class, fun. 54 00:03:07,447 --> 00:03:09,452 You don't have time to take a blow-off class. 55 00:03:09,616 --> 00:03:11,953 Figure out what you're gonna teach your students. 56 00:03:12,118 --> 00:03:16,710 Thanks, Annie, for one glorious second, I forgot I was a teacher. 57 00:03:43,525 --> 00:03:45,696 Look at Mr. Smarty-Pants. 58 00:03:45,861 --> 00:03:49,207 I am so excited. Jeff is gonna help me save the school. 59 00:03:49,364 --> 00:03:52,710 Not all by himself. I am learning Excel. 60 00:03:52,868 --> 00:03:54,873 - Jeff, do you know Excel? - No. 61 00:03:55,036 --> 00:03:58,050 Well, it looks like you do. 62 00:03:58,999 --> 00:04:01,549 Teaching. 63 00:04:02,252 --> 00:04:06,724 I, as you know, am Dramatic Professor Sean Garrity... 64 00:04:06,882 --> 00:04:09,812 ...and you are now embarking on an odyssey of discussion... 65 00:04:09,968 --> 00:04:12,388 ...about an actor who keeps the world asking: 66 00:04:12,554 --> 00:04:14,725 "Nicolas Cage, good or bad?" 67 00:04:14,890 --> 00:04:16,729 - Yes, young man? - So you don't know? 68 00:04:17,309 --> 00:04:18,400 Mr. Nadir. 69 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:23,400 Mr. Nadir drove our TV studies professor out of his mind... 70 00:04:23,565 --> 00:04:26,413 ...by proving that there was an answer to "Who's the boss?" 71 00:04:26,568 --> 00:04:29,071 - Angela. - I admire your brain, Mr. Nadir. 72 00:04:29,237 --> 00:04:33,081 I did not admire Professor Sheffield... 73 00:04:33,241 --> 00:04:34,499 ...but I promise you... 74 00:04:34,659 --> 00:04:36,546 ...this question has no answer. 75 00:04:36,953 --> 00:04:40,750 Your homework is to watch five Nicolas Cage films by Wednesday... 76 00:04:40,916 --> 00:04:42,090 ...no marathons. 77 00:04:42,250 --> 00:04:43,840 Space out your viewings. 78 00:04:44,002 --> 00:04:45,046 Five, that's it? 79 00:04:46,046 --> 00:04:47,718 Be careful, Abed Nadir. 80 00:04:48,089 --> 00:04:51,518 Promise me you will be careful. 81 00:04:52,052 --> 00:04:54,021 I have no idea how to make a curriculum. 82 00:04:54,179 --> 00:04:56,433 Becoming a teacher was a huge mistake. 83 00:04:56,598 --> 00:04:58,769 Without a doubt. 84 00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:01,733 Now, that said, there are certain perks. 85 00:05:01,895 --> 00:05:04,529 - Excuse me. - I didn't know teachers could cut in line. 86 00:05:04,689 --> 00:05:06,825 I can experience this food warm and disgusting. 87 00:05:06,983 --> 00:05:08,905 Winger, what are you doing? 88 00:05:09,069 --> 00:05:13,541 This line is for food, not for Lionel Richie tickets. 89 00:05:13,824 --> 00:05:15,377 This is my house. 90 00:05:16,076 --> 00:05:17,629 Come here. 91 00:05:18,245 --> 00:05:20,962 This man's name is Mr. Winger... 92 00:05:22,207 --> 00:05:25,304 ...and Mr. Winger is a teacher. 93 00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:26,634 You know what that means? 94 00:05:28,129 --> 00:05:29,932 It means he gets your meatballs. 95 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:33,640 Please. 96 00:05:33,802 --> 00:05:34,894 That's all I have. 97 00:05:37,764 --> 00:05:38,808 Get out of here. 98 00:05:40,142 --> 00:05:41,613 Place is a zoo. 99 00:05:41,768 --> 00:05:44,105 The trick is you gotta show the other baboons... 100 00:05:44,271 --> 00:05:46,739 ...you got a bigger, redder ass. Let's hit the lounge. 101 00:05:52,237 --> 00:05:55,120 Everybody, this is the new guy, Winger. 102 00:05:55,282 --> 00:05:59,422 He's having trouble planning his curriculum. 103 00:06:00,579 --> 00:06:02,085 What? 104 00:06:02,247 --> 00:06:03,801 Here's all you need to know: 105 00:06:03,957 --> 00:06:06,507 Break into groups, grade each other's papers... 106 00:06:06,668 --> 00:06:10,215 ...and please enjoy the seven-disc edition of Planet Earth. 107 00:06:11,047 --> 00:06:13,765 Is there a Mr. Winger in here? 108 00:06:13,925 --> 00:06:16,476 Jeffrey, we need to carve out some time to learn Excel. 109 00:06:16,636 --> 00:06:18,807 Do you guys know Excel? I'm learning. 110 00:06:18,972 --> 00:06:22,187 You know the rules, Pelton. Drop the cheques and move on. 111 00:06:22,350 --> 00:06:25,696 Jeffrey, I'm gonna boot up my computer and download the tutor... 112 00:06:26,062 --> 00:06:28,114 - What was that about? - Union rules. 113 00:06:28,273 --> 00:06:30,658 Management's not allowed in the faculty lounge. 114 00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:33,449 I could get used to this. 115 00:06:39,993 --> 00:06:42,247 Nicolas Cage is so weird. 116 00:06:42,412 --> 00:06:46,006 I mean, he seemed scared to smell that flower but happy to get shot. 117 00:06:46,166 --> 00:06:49,927 Complex performer. The Rock, Con Air, then Face/Off. You think you understand. 118 00:06:50,086 --> 00:06:52,305 Then Windtalkers, Guarding Tess, The Wicker Man. 119 00:06:52,464 --> 00:06:54,469 He begs you to stop watching, but you can't. 120 00:06:56,092 --> 00:06:58,347 That was an odd choice. 121 00:06:58,512 --> 00:07:01,395 - Odd good or odd bad? - Maybe he's just good in good movies... 122 00:07:01,556 --> 00:07:03,727 ...then acts crazy in crap to make drug money. 123 00:07:03,892 --> 00:07:06,063 But is he good or bad? Every actor is something. 124 00:07:06,228 --> 00:07:08,197 Robert Downey Jr., good. Jim Belushi, bad. 125 00:07:08,355 --> 00:07:11,072 Van Damme, good kind of bad. Johnny Depp, bad kind of good. 126 00:07:11,233 --> 00:07:13,404 There's a spectrum, and Cage is on it. 127 00:07:13,568 --> 00:07:14,742 I just have to find him. 128 00:07:15,362 --> 00:07:17,746 I'm gonna go check on Jeff. 129 00:07:19,533 --> 00:07:21,004 - Hello. - Hey, Jeff. 130 00:07:21,159 --> 00:07:23,876 - How's the old curriculum going? - Great. 131 00:07:24,037 --> 00:07:26,089 Consider our nation's youth pre-inspired. 132 00:07:26,248 --> 00:07:28,253 Want a refill, Winger? 133 00:07:28,416 --> 00:07:30,504 - Is that Hickey? - Yeah. Working on syllabuses. 134 00:07:30,669 --> 00:07:34,015 Hey, let's turd some lockers! 135 00:07:34,172 --> 00:07:35,346 Gotta go. Teacher thing. 136 00:07:36,466 --> 00:07:38,851 It's syllabi. 137 00:07:39,010 --> 00:07:41,561 Guterman. Dropping mad science? 138 00:07:41,721 --> 00:07:44,770 Elaine, take it easy on the Oxford commas. 139 00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:48,112 Hey, walk, don't run, mister. This isn't a racetrack. 140 00:07:48,270 --> 00:07:51,449 Okay, dangerous minds, let's break into groups, discuss chapter one. 141 00:07:51,606 --> 00:07:55,913 And if you are lucky, we might sneak in a little Planet Earth. 142 00:07:56,069 --> 00:07:57,113 Any questions? 143 00:07:59,322 --> 00:08:00,366 Just a few. 144 00:08:03,535 --> 00:08:06,038 She in your class, yo. 145 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,343 So I guess... 146 00:08:13,001 --> 00:08:16,180 ...just read chapter one. 147 00:08:16,338 --> 00:08:18,343 Memorize Federal Rules of Civil Procedure. 148 00:08:18,507 --> 00:08:19,930 Class dismissed. 149 00:08:20,092 --> 00:08:22,262 Not so fast, Jeff. 150 00:08:25,889 --> 00:08:28,190 I assume you know why I'm keeping you after class. 151 00:08:28,350 --> 00:08:30,106 Not really. Ski Cap and White Dave... 152 00:08:30,268 --> 00:08:32,404 - ...got stuff wrong too. - You're the teacher. 153 00:08:32,562 --> 00:08:35,825 - You don't have to rub it in. - What I saw today was embarrassing. 154 00:08:36,691 --> 00:08:39,409 You were late, you clearly had no idea... Hey. 155 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,123 You had no idea what tort reform meant. 156 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,748 I asked you to explain the Sixth, you pled the Fifth. 157 00:08:44,908 --> 00:08:46,545 - I know my rights. - No, you don't. 158 00:08:46,701 --> 00:08:47,745 That's the problem. 159 00:08:51,540 --> 00:08:53,592 Here. I gathered some materials. 160 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,257 Tomorrow morning, before class... 161 00:08:55,419 --> 00:08:57,589 ...I need to verify you know enough to teach. 162 00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:58,798 You're gonna quiz me? 163 00:08:58,964 --> 00:09:01,265 I wish Troy was in my class instead of you. 164 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:04,726 I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. 165 00:09:04,886 --> 00:09:08,564 Hey, wait. I warned you to separate these worlds. 166 00:09:08,724 --> 00:09:11,357 She's lead, we're chalk. 167 00:09:13,145 --> 00:09:14,782 She needs to be taken out. 168 00:09:16,565 --> 00:09:17,953 Of your class. 169 00:09:18,108 --> 00:09:19,235 I say minus her. 170 00:09:19,401 --> 00:09:20,991 - Minus her? - Give her A-minuses. 171 00:09:21,153 --> 00:09:24,083 - Drive her nuts, she'll drop. - She'll call me on it, report me. 172 00:09:24,239 --> 00:09:27,833 Teachers don't have to explain minuses. Why do you think we invented them? 173 00:09:27,993 --> 00:09:29,464 She's my friend. 174 00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:32,634 You like the Leonard meatballs? They added something special. 175 00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:38,629 It's Leonard. 176 00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,434 Come on, I'm just messing with you. 177 00:09:45,594 --> 00:09:47,848 You done with your bit? I'd like my earring back. 178 00:09:48,013 --> 00:09:49,057 Yeah? 179 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,319 Go get your earring, you piece of human garbage. 180 00:09:58,732 --> 00:10:00,654 I know. I could just... 181 00:10:04,946 --> 00:10:06,239 Oh, my God. 182 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,503 Have a working theory. Don't react until you've heard the whole thing. 183 00:10:10,786 --> 00:10:13,834 If you watch closely, in Snake Eyes, you'll notice the moment... 184 00:10:13,997 --> 00:10:17,591 - ...where an alien arm could've come... - Abed, this isn't worth it. 185 00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:21,345 Maybe Nicolas Cage is just crazy. 186 00:10:21,505 --> 00:10:22,798 All actors are crazy, Annie. 187 00:10:22,964 --> 00:10:25,515 Some crazy actors are good, some bad. None are neither. 188 00:10:25,675 --> 00:10:28,605 There's no such thing as both, so which one is Nicolas Cage? 189 00:10:33,683 --> 00:10:38,109 Okay, so break into groups, and then you guys quiz each other. 190 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:41,486 Mr. Winger, sir, is that really the best use of our time? 191 00:10:41,650 --> 00:10:43,536 Seems like the value of having you here... 192 00:10:43,693 --> 00:10:46,659 I think my value as a teacher is to teach you how to learn. 193 00:10:46,822 --> 00:10:49,502 - Teach ourselves? - Won't learn if I tell you how to think. 194 00:10:49,658 --> 00:10:52,707 - Tell us what you think, we'll learn. - I thought break into groups. 195 00:10:52,869 --> 00:10:55,455 But you failed to learn that, so your theory's invalid. 196 00:10:56,706 --> 00:10:58,546 Oh, snap. 197 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:01,337 Break into groups. 198 00:11:01,711 --> 00:11:04,048 Mr. Winger, how did you do that? 199 00:11:04,214 --> 00:11:06,764 - Do what? - You won an argument against Annie. 200 00:11:06,925 --> 00:11:08,681 You don't argue with Annie, Garrett. 201 00:11:08,844 --> 00:11:10,979 You let her argue with herself until she loses. 202 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,395 You can win by not arguing? 203 00:11:12,556 --> 00:11:15,236 Yeah. Anyone that tries to argue has already lost... 204 00:11:15,392 --> 00:11:17,397 ...because they pick an argument to lose. 205 00:11:17,561 --> 00:11:19,482 I mean, that's why I never lost a case. 206 00:11:19,646 --> 00:11:22,743 Prosecutors beat themselves because they... Here. 207 00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:25,913 Because they draw a circle... 208 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:28,538 ...around something called the truth. 209 00:11:28,697 --> 00:11:31,746 And they say that everything outside it is a lie. 210 00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,381 Annie. 211 00:11:34,536 --> 00:11:36,671 Don't cry. You were right. 212 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,752 I actually might enjoy teaching. 213 00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:41,086 I'm not crying because of you. 214 00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:43,588 I got this from Professor Hickey. 215 00:11:43,754 --> 00:11:45,593 What the hell? He gave you a dead rat? 216 00:11:45,756 --> 00:11:47,843 No, this is my witness intimidation project. 217 00:11:49,217 --> 00:11:50,605 - He gave me this. - "A-minus." 218 00:11:50,761 --> 00:11:52,600 I guess I overextended my schedule. 219 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:54,939 I'm sorry, Jeff. 220 00:11:55,098 --> 00:11:56,356 I have to drop your class. 221 00:11:57,768 --> 00:12:00,900 Okay, thoughts on Nicolas Cage. 222 00:12:01,063 --> 00:12:03,447 A genius. He keeps getting hired for some reason. 223 00:12:03,607 --> 00:12:05,030 It's not because of his hair. 224 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,742 I don't know. If I was in 70 films over 30 years... 225 00:12:07,903 --> 00:12:09,990 ...spent each one talking at random volumes... 226 00:12:10,155 --> 00:12:11,958 ...I might accidentally win an Oscar. 227 00:12:12,115 --> 00:12:15,212 I think our opinions about pop culture are fed to us by machines... 228 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:17,623 - ...designed to criminalize autonomy. - Good one. 229 00:12:21,291 --> 00:12:22,632 - Dear God. - Abed. 230 00:12:22,793 --> 00:12:24,714 No, stand back. Give him space. 231 00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:32,473 Nicolas Cage, good or bad? 232 00:12:32,636 --> 00:12:36,812 A challenge, certainly, but not unsolvable... 233 00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:40,734 ...because all actors have distinct values, which I use to find answers. 234 00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:43,824 Abed, how much Nicolas Cage did you...? 235 00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,653 Enough! 236 00:12:46,942 --> 00:12:50,156 I watched enough to find the answers. 237 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:54,834 Because this... This is my reality, this is how I learned to be... 238 00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:59,832 ...and my being doesn't allow for Nicolas freaking Cage, okay? 239 00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,752 Oh, yeah. 240 00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,340 Yeah. 241 00:13:12,676 --> 00:13:14,147 Oh, I'm a cat. 242 00:13:14,302 --> 00:13:15,595 I'm a sexy cat. 243 00:13:32,237 --> 00:13:33,281 Abed? 244 00:13:33,447 --> 00:13:37,788 Think of something safe like Holly Hunter or Don Cheadle. 245 00:13:38,201 --> 00:13:40,669 Abed? Abed. 246 00:13:43,749 --> 00:13:45,386 That was brilliant. 247 00:13:48,504 --> 00:13:50,591 You gave Annie an A-minus? How could you? 248 00:13:50,756 --> 00:13:51,848 What were you thinking? 249 00:13:52,007 --> 00:13:55,768 - Are you drawing a peanut? - It's a duck. It's none of your concern. 250 00:13:55,928 --> 00:13:57,518 Are you trying to cartoon? 251 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,981 Trying and succeeding. State your business. 252 00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:03,604 I wanna know what kind of monster minuses the best student in his class. 253 00:14:03,769 --> 00:14:05,027 I'm a monster? 254 00:14:05,187 --> 00:14:07,951 I was in the storm drain lair of the Black River Ripper. 255 00:14:08,107 --> 00:14:11,286 I have seen human heads used for things other than heads. 256 00:14:11,443 --> 00:14:14,872 So you best not be calling me a monster. 257 00:14:15,030 --> 00:14:17,201 Okay, you're a bad teacher. 258 00:14:17,366 --> 00:14:18,873 I got her off your back. 259 00:14:19,034 --> 00:14:21,668 I was handling it. I know how to engage my students. 260 00:14:21,829 --> 00:14:24,878 I may not love teaching, but I did fool around with it today. 261 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,211 I may hook up with it again a few more times... 262 00:14:27,376 --> 00:14:30,639 - ...even if I do dump it before Christmas. - We do not work for them. 263 00:14:30,796 --> 00:14:31,970 Maybe we do. 264 00:14:32,131 --> 00:14:33,721 That doesn't count as an argument. 265 00:14:33,883 --> 00:14:36,219 Well, drawing ducks doesn't count as cartooning. 266 00:14:36,385 --> 00:14:40,526 It's one duck, his name is Jim, and publishers are interested. 267 00:14:41,223 --> 00:14:43,691 Ms. Edison, good news. 268 00:14:43,851 --> 00:14:47,232 I talked to Professor Hickey and it turns out your project was an A. 269 00:14:47,396 --> 00:14:49,235 Used your connections to change my grade? 270 00:14:49,398 --> 00:14:51,617 No, an A-minus means you actually earned an A... 271 00:14:51,775 --> 00:14:54,789 ...but the teacher doesn't like you. It's a secret faculty thing. 272 00:14:54,945 --> 00:14:56,286 - What? - Are you kidding? 273 00:14:57,698 --> 00:14:58,909 Am I using that right? 274 00:14:59,074 --> 00:15:01,293 I've been busting my butt for five years... 275 00:15:01,452 --> 00:15:06,007 ...and the whole thing comes down to a few old losers' petty insecurities? 276 00:15:06,165 --> 00:15:08,004 Oligarchy. 277 00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,720 We've gotta tell people. 278 00:15:11,795 --> 00:15:13,598 Minuses are made-up! 279 00:15:15,299 --> 00:15:17,518 It's riot time! 280 00:15:17,676 --> 00:15:18,850 Yeah! 281 00:15:19,470 --> 00:15:20,680 Bring me their heads! 282 00:15:22,806 --> 00:15:24,894 Pop, pop! 283 00:15:31,649 --> 00:15:35,611 Abed? I couldn't find you at school, so I got worried. 284 00:15:35,778 --> 00:15:38,032 You're throwing away all your little movies, why? 285 00:15:38,197 --> 00:15:39,454 They have no value anymore. 286 00:15:39,990 --> 00:15:42,873 Well, if you're looking for something to believe in... 287 00:15:43,035 --> 00:15:45,799 ...I know a skinny, little Hebrew handyman you could meet. 288 00:15:46,830 --> 00:15:49,927 I'm not gonna become Christian, Shirley, or a better Muslim. 289 00:15:50,084 --> 00:15:51,211 This was my religion. 290 00:15:51,377 --> 00:15:53,382 I thought the meaning of people was in here. 291 00:15:53,546 --> 00:15:55,800 I looked inside Nicolas Cage and I found a secret: 292 00:15:56,257 --> 00:15:57,810 People are random and pointless. 293 00:15:57,967 --> 00:16:02,143 Well, in my religion, the whole point is you can't understand every little thing... 294 00:16:02,304 --> 00:16:04,559 ...and there's a word for people who remind you... 295 00:16:04,723 --> 00:16:07,060 ...you're not God and invite you to try harder. 296 00:16:07,226 --> 00:16:10,156 Prophets, messiahs, kung fu pandas. 297 00:16:10,646 --> 00:16:12,485 - So Nicolas Cage is Jesus? - No. 298 00:16:12,648 --> 00:16:17,654 But he clearly works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's just his job. 299 00:16:18,279 --> 00:16:20,829 That's why critics can call him a genius or an idiot... 300 00:16:20,990 --> 00:16:23,789 - ...be right no matter what. - Demon to some, angel to others. 301 00:16:23,951 --> 00:16:26,122 - Like a cenobite. - Did you say cenobite? 302 00:16:26,287 --> 00:16:28,126 Yeah, cenobite, like from Hellraiser. 303 00:16:28,289 --> 00:16:30,507 You like Hellraiser? You know the word? 304 00:16:30,666 --> 00:16:34,628 I thought Pinhead in space was a bit of a letdown, but I'm in for the ride. 305 00:16:37,965 --> 00:16:39,851 Rise up, Greendale! 306 00:16:40,009 --> 00:16:42,180 Your teachers have been lying to you! 307 00:16:42,344 --> 00:16:46,057 You deserve slightly higher grades! 308 00:16:46,223 --> 00:16:49,071 Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! 309 00:16:49,226 --> 00:16:51,694 - The whole world is watching this! - Yeah! 310 00:16:51,854 --> 00:16:53,859 Oh, wait. I'm out of data minutes. 311 00:16:54,148 --> 00:16:58,028 The whole world will be watching this on the first of next month! 312 00:16:58,194 --> 00:17:01,326 Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! 313 00:17:01,697 --> 00:17:03,370 Jeffrey, do something. 314 00:17:03,532 --> 00:17:05,537 Distract them. Take your shirt off. Here. 315 00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:07,872 Slightly higher grades! Slightly higher grades! 316 00:17:08,037 --> 00:17:09,876 Everybody, calm down. 317 00:17:10,039 --> 00:17:11,213 Just listen. 318 00:17:11,373 --> 00:17:15,384 Do you think the students and teachers at Harvard are at each other's throats? 319 00:17:15,544 --> 00:17:18,392 No. Because they're all rich. 320 00:17:18,547 --> 00:17:20,718 We all have something in common too. 321 00:17:20,883 --> 00:17:23,303 We all suck. 322 00:17:23,469 --> 00:17:25,022 We're all broke. 323 00:17:25,179 --> 00:17:28,856 We just went through an entire week of meatball lunches... 324 00:17:29,016 --> 00:17:30,736 ...without even blinking. 325 00:17:30,893 --> 00:17:33,776 Oh, that's on me. I converted the lunch menu to a spreadsheet. 326 00:17:33,938 --> 00:17:36,406 The teachers here are teachers here... 327 00:17:36,565 --> 00:17:41,074 ...because they did something wrong, same as the students. 328 00:17:41,237 --> 00:17:43,538 So get on the same team... 329 00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:45,584 ...because, take it from me... 330 00:17:45,741 --> 00:17:50,250 ...those of us that get to leave aren't going anywhere. 331 00:17:54,458 --> 00:17:55,502 No, you suck! 332 00:17:56,460 --> 00:17:58,761 Jeffrey, go with my "take off your shirt" plan. 333 00:17:58,921 --> 00:18:02,717 May I point out that you're doing this together? 334 00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:06,354 It's all based on rows and columns of cells. 335 00:18:06,512 --> 00:18:08,268 I think that's why they call it Excel. 336 00:18:08,430 --> 00:18:10,934 - I don't care. - Okay, now, I know it's unrealistic... 337 00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:13,235 ...to think we can eliminate riots completely. 338 00:18:13,394 --> 00:18:15,150 But I've been crunching the numbers. 339 00:18:15,312 --> 00:18:18,824 - We can reduce them by 40 percent. - Let's hope the man doesn't target you... 340 00:18:18,983 --> 00:18:21,284 - ...for dreaming this big. - Here's my plan. 341 00:18:21,443 --> 00:18:24,789 You know that Save Greendale Committee you pretended to form? 342 00:18:24,947 --> 00:18:26,501 We need one of those for real. 343 00:18:26,657 --> 00:18:30,121 I want a student-teacher alliance, with you in charge. 344 00:18:30,286 --> 00:18:32,373 - I vote myself out. - You don't have a quorum. 345 00:18:32,538 --> 00:18:37,462 And don't forget, if I fire you, you're likely to starve and die, so, you know. 346 00:18:37,626 --> 00:18:39,797 Do you want me to cut your meatball? 347 00:18:41,589 --> 00:18:43,095 All right, look... 348 00:18:44,258 --> 00:18:46,595 ...there are two things I don't do well: 349 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,097 Apologies and drawing duck bills. 350 00:18:49,263 --> 00:18:50,770 I lost perspective. 351 00:18:50,931 --> 00:18:52,355 Students aren't the enemy... 352 00:18:52,516 --> 00:18:55,482 ...and, I don't know, maybe my bills are a little pointy... 353 00:18:55,644 --> 00:18:57,317 ...maybe I'm basing them on beaks. 354 00:18:57,479 --> 00:18:59,152 Apologise to Annie. 355 00:18:59,315 --> 00:19:01,486 I did, I gave her an A. 356 00:19:01,775 --> 00:19:04,540 I don't know how else to make it right. 357 00:19:06,197 --> 00:19:08,830 I guess, I don't know, I quit. 358 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,999 I got a better idea. 359 00:19:13,162 --> 00:19:15,961 As our first order of business for the Student/Teacher... 360 00:19:16,123 --> 00:19:18,840 ...Save Greendale Committee, we hereby ban the dean... 361 00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:20,804 ...from attending future meetings. 362 00:19:21,337 --> 00:19:24,302 - Yeah. - Our second order of business: Lunch. 363 00:19:24,465 --> 00:19:26,018 Yeah. 364 00:19:38,604 --> 00:19:41,819 I'm taste-testing rations for the shelter I'm digging. 365 00:19:42,316 --> 00:19:44,202 Are you the coolest person in the world? 366 00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,447 - I doubt it. - I'd like to address the fact... 367 00:19:46,612 --> 00:19:48,866 ...that there are no Asian-Americans represented. 368 00:19:49,031 --> 00:19:50,372 We can get Chang. 369 00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:53,879 No need to rush into anything, I just wanted to address it. 370 00:19:54,036 --> 00:19:56,540 Anybody want some nuts? 371 00:19:57,373 --> 00:20:00,137 I'm lonely because he's not Learning Excel 372 00:20:00,334 --> 00:20:02,802 I'm dying because he's not Learning Excel 373 00:20:02,962 --> 00:20:08,479 Like the sailors, who smoke Cigarettes on the canal 374 00:20:08,717 --> 00:20:11,435 But Excel won't be learned today 375 00:20:11,679 --> 00:20:15,559 My thoughts are French 376 00:20:21,614 --> 00:20:24,544 - Quiet, I think Jeff's coming. - This is gonna be hilarious. 377 00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:37,840 Yeah, pharmacy please. 378 00:20:38,214 --> 00:20:40,266 Yeah, this is Buzz Hickey. 379 00:20:40,425 --> 00:20:42,512 I think you gave me the wrong medication. 380 00:20:42,677 --> 00:20:44,516 I usually get Lipitor. 381 00:20:44,804 --> 00:20:47,734 What do you mean my insurance won't cover it anymore? 382 00:20:47,890 --> 00:20:51,319 My body does not respond well to the generic stuff. 383 00:20:51,477 --> 00:20:54,775 Let me ask you a question, lady, can you pay out-of-pocket? 384 00:20:54,939 --> 00:20:58,949 I am an educator, ma'am, living on a teacher's salary. 385 00:20:59,277 --> 00:21:01,448 No, I'm sorry. 386 00:21:01,612 --> 00:21:02,953 What's your name? 387 00:21:03,114 --> 00:21:07,207 Leia. Well, let me tell you something, Leia. 388 00:21:07,368 --> 00:21:09,788 I wake up every night screaming. 389 00:21:09,954 --> 00:21:12,920 Life is unfair, but it's the only thing we g... 390 00:21:13,082 --> 00:21:16,131 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll call back later. 391 00:21:22,341 --> 00:21:25,022 Ma, it's Buzz. I'm gonna say this as fast as I can. 392 00:21:25,178 --> 00:21:28,143 We can't afford to bury dad with the rest of the family.