1
00:00:00,934 --> 00:00:07,868
*

2
00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:11,100
* you won't admit you love me *

3
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:12,934
* and so *

4
00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:15,501
* how am i ever *

5
00:00:15,501 --> 00:00:17,434
* to know *

6
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,200
* you always tell me *

7
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,667
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *

8
00:00:24,868 --> 00:00:25,934
* perhaps *

9
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:28,300
* perhaps *

10
00:00:29,367 --> 00:00:31,167
* perhaps *

11
00:00:31,167 --> 00:00:33,200
It's only an interview.

12
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,634
What--What if i say
an accidental word?

13
00:00:43,634 --> 00:00:45,601
An accidental word?

14
00:00:45,601 --> 00:00:47,367
Well, there's pressure,
you know.

15
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:50,467
The wrong word could just pop
out of my mouth by accident.

16
00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,033
Like what?

17
00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:55,033
Nipples.

18
00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:57,133
Why would you say "nipples"
in an interview?

19
00:00:57,133 --> 00:01:01,434
Because i've just put the idea
in my head, haven't i?

20
00:01:01,434 --> 00:01:04,067
Now i've got a flashing sign
in my brain saying,

21
00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:06,801
"Nipples, nipples, nipples."

22
00:01:06,801 --> 00:01:10,133
All right, why nipples?
Why not thighs?

23
00:01:10,133 --> 00:01:12,000
Oh, great.

24
00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:14,400
Thanks a lot!

25
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,367
Now i've got thighs
in my head, too!

26
00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:19,167
How could you say "thighs"
to a person with an interview?

27
00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:23,133
Sorry.
I mean, why don't you
just throw in vulva?

28
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:24,501
Vulva!

29
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:26,934
Good evening, boys.

30
00:01:26,934 --> 00:01:28,734
What's the matter
with him?

31
00:01:28,734 --> 00:01:32,100
He's got female body parts
multiplying in his brain.

32
00:01:32,100 --> 00:01:33,534
Excellent.

33
00:01:35,868 --> 00:01:40,067
Okay, tip number one--
This is major.

34
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:43,501
Imagine
your interview panel naked.

35
00:01:45,634 --> 00:01:46,701
Naked?

36
00:01:46,701 --> 00:01:48,501
Really cuts them
down to size.

37
00:01:48,501 --> 00:01:50,267
It's a recognized technique.

38
00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:53,200
So the interview panel
might know about the technique?

39
00:01:55,934 --> 00:01:57,300
Well, yeah.

40
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:58,767
So they might retaliate.

41
00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,767
Retaliate?

42
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:04,901
<i>They might
imagine me naked.</i>

43
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:09,200
You think the interview panel
is going to imagine you naked?

44
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:12,000
Jeff, you are
a pioneer of paranoia.

45
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,701
I'm gonna be sitting there
trying to convince them

46
00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,367
That i am a safe choice
for senior accountant,

47
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:21,167
And, suddenly, i'm a naked man
saying "vulva."

48
00:02:21,167 --> 00:02:24,200
You're just gonna
sit on a chair and talk.

49
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,934
It's not difficult.

50
00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:28,701
Not diffi--
Not difficult?

51
00:02:28,701 --> 00:02:31,634
I've got accidental words
to worry about.

52
00:02:31,634 --> 00:02:35,234
Thanks to patrick here,
i've got nudity projection.

53
00:02:35,234 --> 00:02:36,901
And there's
the giggle loop, of course.

54
00:02:36,901 --> 00:02:38,067
What?

55
00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:39,701
What's a giggle loop?

56
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,434
Don't!

57
00:02:41,434 --> 00:02:43,267
Don't ask.

58
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,601
To know
about the giggle loop

59
00:02:45,601 --> 00:02:49,167
<i>Is to become part
of the giggle loop.</i>

60
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,400
Well, i think
we can take it.

61
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,968
( Gasps )

62
00:02:52,968 --> 00:02:56,234
No. You're not ready
for the giggle loop.

63
00:02:59,601 --> 00:03:03,501
Basically, it's like
a feedback loop.

64
00:03:03,501 --> 00:03:06,501
You're somewhere quiet.

65
00:03:06,501 --> 00:03:07,934
There's people.

66
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:11,534
It's a solemn occasion--

67
00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:12,801
A wedding.

68
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:16,901
No, it's a minute's silence
for someone who's died.

69
00:03:16,901 --> 00:03:18,133
Right.
Got you.

70
00:03:18,133 --> 00:03:21,601
Okay, minute's silence
ticking away.

71
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:24,601
( Clicks tongue )

72
00:03:24,601 --> 00:03:26,300
The giggle loop begins.

73
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,801
Suddenly, out of nowhere,

74
00:03:27,801 --> 00:03:29,434
This thought
comes into your head.

75
00:03:29,434 --> 00:03:34,367
The worst thing
i could possibly do during
a minute's silence is laugh.

76
00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:37,200
<i>And as soon as you think that,
you almost do laugh--</i>

77
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,400
Automatic reaction.

78
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,534
But you don't,
you control yourself.

79
00:03:40,534 --> 00:03:41,567
You're fine.

80
00:03:41,567 --> 00:03:43,667
( Exhales loudly )

81
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,167
But then you think
how terrible it would've been

82
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,467
If you'd laughed out loud

83
00:03:47,467 --> 00:03:49,234
In the middle
of a minute's silence.

84
00:03:49,234 --> 00:03:51,067
And so you
nearly do it again,

85
00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:53,767
Only this time
it's a bigger laugh.

86
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:56,701
And then you think how awful
this bigger laugh would've been.

87
00:03:56,701 --> 00:03:58,367
And so you
nearly laugh again,

88
00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,601
Only this time
it's a very big laugh,

89
00:04:00,601 --> 00:04:02,234
It's an enormous laugh.

90
00:04:02,234 --> 00:04:05,234
Let this bastard out,
and you get whiplash.

91
00:04:06,501 --> 00:04:08,200
And, suddenly,
you're in the middle

92
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,100
Of this completely silent room.

93
00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:13,367
And your shoulders are going
like you're drilling the road.

94
00:04:13,367 --> 00:04:15,400
And what do you think
of this situation?

95
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,367
Oh, dear christ,
you think it's funny!

96
00:04:18,367 --> 00:04:21,334
Excuse me,
what are you doing?

97
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,234
It's a giggle loop.

98
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,968
It's not a loop,
it's a stack.

99
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:31,901
I couldn't call it
a giggle stack now, could i?

100
00:04:31,901 --> 00:04:33,400
That would
sound ridiculous.

101
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,601
Exactly.

102
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:42,601
( Sobbing )
steve.

103
00:04:42,601 --> 00:04:43,667
Jane.

104
00:04:43,667 --> 00:04:45,934
My auntie margaret's dead!

105
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:48,400
Right.

106
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:51,667
Well, say something.

107
00:04:53,267 --> 00:04:54,467
Shit.

108
00:04:55,934 --> 00:04:57,200
Shit?!

109
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,200
She's just died!

110
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:02,567
Do you think you could be
a little more appropriate?

111
00:05:06,934 --> 00:05:09,334
Can i come in?
Now?

112
00:05:09,334 --> 00:05:10,434
Of course now!

113
00:05:12,634 --> 00:05:13,701
But susan could phone.

114
00:05:13,701 --> 00:05:14,901
So?

115
00:05:14,901 --> 00:05:17,567
Well, so if you're here,
it's gonna be a problem.

116
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,067
Oh, for god's sake!

117
00:05:20,667 --> 00:05:23,234
She could come to the door.
She could fax.

118
00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:25,667
For christ's sake,
my aunt's just died.

119
00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:28,167
My aunt who practically
brought me up.

120
00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:30,067
You can't be here,
jane, please.

121
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:32,067
( Sobbing )

122
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:35,934
It was a heart attack.

123
00:05:35,934 --> 00:05:39,200
Early this afternoon,
she just dropped dead.

124
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:41,000
It hasn't really
sunk in yet.

125
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:45,434
Um...well, why don't you
go home and wait for a bit?

126
00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:47,300
I wouldn't want
to comfort you prematurely.

127
00:05:47,300 --> 00:05:48,601
It'd be such a waste.

128
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:53,000
Look, jane, i can't be the one
who comforts you now.

129
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:54,467
I'm going out
with susan.

130
00:05:54,467 --> 00:05:56,300
Susan's got
an aunt of her own.

131
00:05:56,300 --> 00:05:58,234
I have to worry
about susan's aunt.

132
00:05:58,234 --> 00:06:00,367
Why? What's wrong with her?

133
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:02,000
Nothing, she's very healthy.

134
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,534
Sorry, sorry, i realize
this is not the moment

135
00:06:04,534 --> 00:06:07,267
To slap you in the face
with susan's healthy aunt.

136
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:12,167
<i>My aunt was healthy, too.
My aunt was extremely healthy.</i>

137
00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:15,634
Why do you just assume
i don't have a healthy aunt?

138
00:06:15,634 --> 00:06:18,234
Well, you just told me
she dropped dead this afternoon.

139
00:06:18,234 --> 00:06:21,200
You can't judge
someone's health by one day!

140
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,234
Look, susan's aunt--

141
00:06:23,234 --> 00:06:24,601
Susan's aunt! Susan's aunt!

142
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,801
That's all you ever
talk about these days!

143
00:06:26,801 --> 00:06:28,300
Look, listen!

144
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:31,601
All i'm trying to say is that
as much as i like susan's aunt,

145
00:06:31,601 --> 00:06:33,367
I'm not gonna go
to her funeral

146
00:06:33,367 --> 00:06:36,000
<i>Unless she dies during
my relationship with susan.</i>

147
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:39,300
Well, i wonder
if susan's aunt
realizes that.

148
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:40,801
Well,
i can hardly tell her.

149
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:42,968
It might seem
strangely pressuring.

150
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:47,634
So you're not coming with me
to my aunt's funeral?

151
00:06:47,634 --> 00:06:49,667
I wouldn't enjoy it.

152
00:06:52,167 --> 00:06:54,834
Look, i'm not trying
to get back with you.

153
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:57,567
I just don't want to go
to this funeral alone.

154
00:06:57,567 --> 00:06:58,934
I'm sorry, jane.

155
00:07:00,267 --> 00:07:03,033
My aunt would've wanted
you at her funeral.

156
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:05,367
We were together
for 4 1/2 years.

157
00:07:05,367 --> 00:07:08,434
You were part of her life
for 4 1/2 years!

158
00:07:08,434 --> 00:07:11,934
Well, then it's hardly my fault
she's missed the window.

159
00:07:11,934 --> 00:07:15,267
The window?

160
00:07:15,267 --> 00:07:18,033
Am i just some kind
of joke to you now?

161
00:07:18,033 --> 00:07:21,634
Of course you're not
some sort of joke.

162
00:07:23,767 --> 00:07:25,534
( Snorts )

163
00:07:25,534 --> 00:07:26,567
( Gasps )

164
00:07:28,133 --> 00:07:29,567
Jane, wait!

165
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:35,334
Jane!

166
00:07:35,334 --> 00:07:37,667
What the hell
do you take me for, steve?!

167
00:07:37,667 --> 00:07:40,968
I'm not trying to lure you
back into bed with my dead aunt!

168
00:07:46,901 --> 00:07:49,100
That can so easily
be misinterpreted.

169
00:07:50,334 --> 00:07:51,501
Evening.

170
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:52,801
Yup, evening.

171
00:07:56,901 --> 00:07:58,367
I said i couldn't go.

172
00:07:58,367 --> 00:07:59,934
Why not?

173
00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:02,434
I didn't think you'd want me to.
It's jane, it's my ex.

174
00:08:02,434 --> 00:08:04,033
So what?
You're friends.

175
00:08:04,033 --> 00:08:05,801
You should
be there for her.

176
00:08:05,801 --> 00:08:07,667
I can't believe
you could be so cold.

177
00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,334
I was being faithful.

178
00:08:09,334 --> 00:08:12,434
Look, phone her...now.

179
00:08:12,434 --> 00:08:14,501
Tell her you
were being an idiot.

180
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:15,567
Shirt?

181
00:08:15,567 --> 00:08:16,667
Kitchen.

182
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:17,667
Right.

183
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:22,167
What, so you're okay about me
being somewhere with jane?

184
00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:23,901
Steve, it's a funeral.

185
00:08:23,901 --> 00:08:25,634
They're gonna cremate
an old lady.

186
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:27,701
I don't think it's
gonna lead to anything.

187
00:08:27,701 --> 00:08:28,901
Skirt?

188
00:08:28,901 --> 00:08:31,267
Behind the telly.
Oh, right.

189
00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,167
<i>Jane: hello?</i>

190
00:08:34,167 --> 00:08:36,234
Jane, hi, it's steve.

191
00:08:36,234 --> 00:08:37,667
Steve.

192
00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,934
Look, i've been having
a long chat with susan

193
00:08:39,934 --> 00:08:42,734
About this being faithful
to dead aunts thing,

194
00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:44,968
And, well,
to cut a long story short,

195
00:08:44,968 --> 00:08:46,934
She was being an idiot.

196
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:49,067
How did susan manage
to be an idiot

197
00:08:49,067 --> 00:08:51,467
When she wasn't even
in the conversation?

198
00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:54,100
Well, exactly.
Women, eh?

199
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,634
Anyway, look,
the point is--

200
00:08:55,634 --> 00:08:58,200
Of course i can come
to the funeral with you.

201
00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:59,834
It's the least i can do.

202
00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:02,400
Oh, steve!

203
00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,868
<i>Thank you so much.</i>

204
00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,200
Hey, no problem.

205
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:10,167
Listen....big favor,
and i'm really sorry to ask.

206
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:13,434
It's just, well,
my family like you a lot,

207
00:09:13,434 --> 00:09:15,934
And they don't know
that we've split up.

208
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:20,033
Do we have to tell them
at the funeral?

209
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:22,834
It would just be so awful
in front of everyone.

210
00:09:22,834 --> 00:09:24,300
Well--

211
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:26,434
We don't have to pretend
to be together.

212
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:29,167
We just don't tell them
we're apart, okay?

213
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:32,133
Please.

214
00:09:32,133 --> 00:09:35,367
Okay, yeah. I don't see why
that should be a problem.

215
00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:37,100
Can you find out
when it is,

216
00:09:37,100 --> 00:09:39,000
In case i have
to take a day off work?

217
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,901
Sorry?
Can you find out
what day we're going?

218
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:45,267
Right.

219
00:09:45,267 --> 00:09:46,667
Jane...

220
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:51,100
um, susan was just asking...

221
00:09:51,100 --> 00:09:52,868
can she come, too?

222
00:09:52,868 --> 00:09:56,133
Why would susan want to come
to my aunt's funeral?

223
00:09:56,133 --> 00:09:57,767
Well, she's never met her.

224
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,601
Listen, steve, if you bring
your new girlfriend

225
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,267
To my aunt's funeral
in front of everyone i know,

226
00:10:04,267 --> 00:10:06,834
It'll be completely
humiliating for me.

227
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:08,734
<i>Can't you see that?
Well...</i>

228
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:11,133
so just explain that
to susan.

229
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:14,834
Okay, right, absolutely,
i'll explain it.

230
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,367
That's what i'm gonna do.

231
00:10:21,434 --> 00:10:23,434
Susan?
Yeah?

232
00:10:25,534 --> 00:10:27,934
It's a really
small chapel.

233
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:30,868
What?

234
00:10:30,868 --> 00:10:32,434
Very, very small.

235
00:10:32,434 --> 00:10:34,801
It's strictly
one guest per griever.

236
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:39,000
Well, you're a griever.
I can be your guest.

237
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,634
Well, no--Technically,
i'm a griever's guest,

238
00:10:41,634 --> 00:10:43,200
And griever's guests
can't bring guests

239
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,901
'Cause otherwise
the whole thing

240
00:10:44,901 --> 00:10:47,234
Is just gonna
turn into an...orgy.

241
00:10:48,534 --> 00:10:50,734
A funeral's gonna
turn into an orgy?

242
00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,868
It's a risk, yes.

243
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:55,334
She hasn't told her friends
you split up, has she?

244
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:57,133
She wants you there
as her boyfriend.

245
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:58,133
Well--

246
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:00,067
You haven't agreed
to that, have you?

247
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:02,667
Of course i haven't.
Don't be ridiculous.

248
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:04,267
You can just
explain to her

249
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,067
That i'll be there
as your girlfriend.

250
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:07,434
I'm sure
she'll understand.

251
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:09,834
Right, absolutely.
I'll tell her that.

252
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:11,167
Good.

253
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:13,400
Yeah, that's
what i'm gonna do.
Right.

254
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:20,601
Jane, what susan,
in fact, feels is--

255
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:23,901
She'd love a word.

256
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:33,267
Jane, i'm so sorry
to hear about your auntie.

257
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:36,133
Oh, that's so sweet of you.

258
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:38,367
I said to steve
he must go to the funeral.

259
00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:40,367
Well, you must come, too.

260
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,167
Are you sure?
Absolutely.

261
00:11:42,167 --> 00:11:43,934
See you there.
Bye.

262
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:44,934
Bye.

263
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:50,734
She's not passing you off
as her boyfriend!

264
00:11:50,734 --> 00:11:53,701
She's not telling people
she's your girlfriend!

265
00:11:53,701 --> 00:11:56,033
What's the matter
with you?

266
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,634
This was your idea!

267
00:11:58,634 --> 00:12:00,834
Can't you see
what she's doing?

268
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:04,467
Tell me you don't see something
funny about what she's doing!

269
00:12:04,467 --> 00:12:06,834
There's nothing funny
about it!

270
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:11,501
( Snorts )

271
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,033
Susan!

272
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:17,434
She's not doing anything!
She's got a dead aunt!

273
00:12:17,434 --> 00:12:19,901
Oh, for christ's sake!

274
00:12:19,901 --> 00:12:21,834
Susan.

275
00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:25,901
Anyone can have
a dead aunt!

276
00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:31,334
Evening.

277
00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,334
Evening.

278
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:45,334
Da da da da.

279
00:12:45,334 --> 00:12:47,601
I know exactly what
you're gonna say.

280
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:49,801
I want you to be susan's date
at jane's aunt's funeral.

281
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:55,467
Okay, a bit out there.

282
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:57,334
What did you think
i was gonna say?

283
00:12:57,334 --> 00:12:59,868
Oh, well, you see, i thought
you were gonna notice

284
00:12:59,868 --> 00:13:03,234
That i'm looking kind of cool,
kind of confident.

285
00:13:03,234 --> 00:13:04,834
Why?

286
00:13:04,834 --> 00:13:08,100
I'm imagining people naked.

287
00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:16,400
<i>Oh, so why am i
susan's date?</i>

288
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,300
So people don't think
she's my date.

289
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,868
Jane hasn't told her family
that we've split up yet,

290
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:23,567
So i don't want everyone
thinking i'm there with susan,

291
00:13:23,567 --> 00:13:26,100
So susan's gonna need
a decoy date.

292
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:29,033
And what does susan
think of that?

293
00:13:29,033 --> 00:13:31,868
<i>Are you
imagining me naked?</i>

294
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:35,033
<i>I'm imagining
everybody naked.</i>

295
00:13:35,033 --> 00:13:36,667
It's automatic now.

296
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:39,234
Look, susan doesn't have
to know that you're her date.

297
00:13:39,234 --> 00:13:40,767
If the four of us
stick together,

298
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,701
Everyone's gonna assume
that i'm there with jane

299
00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:44,033
And you're there with susan.

300
00:13:44,033 --> 00:13:46,067
That way, no one
asks any questions,

301
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:48,033
And everyone gets
out of the funeral alive.

302
00:13:48,033 --> 00:13:49,834
Except jane's aunt.

303
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:53,167
Well, it's her funeral.
She's an acceptable casualty.

304
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,000
Are you still
imagining me naked?

305
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,567
Well, you're
perfect practice for me.

306
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:58,901
I've seen you naked.

307
00:13:58,901 --> 00:14:00,667
I've got something
to base it on.

308
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:01,934
When?

309
00:14:01,934 --> 00:14:03,567
When we were camping.

310
00:14:04,868 --> 00:14:07,000
You were pissed.
You went in the river.

311
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,334
Oh, it was
a very cold river, jeff.

312
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:14,434
So?

313
00:14:14,434 --> 00:14:16,567
So, you've got
to take that into account

314
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:18,267
When you're imagining me.

315
00:14:18,267 --> 00:14:20,934
I'm warmer now.
You've got to compensate.

316
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:24,133
<i>Look, it's my imagination.</i>

317
00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,934
I could knock off
a couple of inches.

318
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,834
Only if you come
to the funeral.

319
00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:30,501
Only if you
get the drinks.

320
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:34,834
Spotty ass.

321
00:14:41,734 --> 00:14:43,267
Patrick, i need you.

322
00:14:43,267 --> 00:14:44,734
Excellent.
When and where?

323
00:14:44,734 --> 00:14:46,767
I want you to be my date

324
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:49,234
At steve's ex-Girlfriend's
aunt's funeral.

325
00:14:49,234 --> 00:14:50,968
I like it.

326
00:14:50,968 --> 00:14:53,000
Then i can be
the pizza boy,

327
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,467
<i>And you can be
working late.</i>

328
00:14:54,467 --> 00:14:56,467
Patrick,
this is not a sex game.

329
00:14:56,467 --> 00:14:59,200
I'm asking you a favor,
and sex is not involved.

330
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,200
And you're
admitting that up front?

331
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:02,801
You see where
you've gone wrong?

332
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,901
Look, steve's going
with his ex and me,

333
00:15:04,901 --> 00:15:07,434
But i think he's gonna
pretend to be with her,

334
00:15:07,434 --> 00:15:10,667
So i want my ex there
to show him what it feels like.

335
00:15:10,667 --> 00:15:12,801
I couldn't do that to steve.
He's a friend.

336
00:15:12,801 --> 00:15:15,801
Oh, so tell me
about your friend, pizza boy.

337
00:15:16,934 --> 00:15:19,133
Are we playing now?

338
00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,534
Does your dick
do all the thinking, patrick?

339
00:15:21,534 --> 00:15:23,701
Uh, i don't know,
i'll ask it.

340
00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:31,634
That is the single lamest
attempt anyone has ever made

341
00:15:31,634 --> 00:15:33,067
To get me
to go out with them.

342
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,367
Sally, how do you fancy
coming with me

343
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:41,067
To susan's new boyfriend's
ex's aunt's funeral?

344
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:44,167
I don't do funerals.

345
00:15:44,167 --> 00:15:45,767
Sally, please!

346
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,868
Patrick,
i'm a career beautician.

347
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:51,868
I have devoted my life
to the fight against aging.

348
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:54,400
A funeral is like
the headquarters of aging.

349
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,534
It'd be like james bond

350
00:15:56,534 --> 00:15:58,234
Going into
the spectre control center.

351
00:15:58,234 --> 00:15:59,868
I'd be recognized.

352
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:01,300
But i need a decoy date.

353
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,567
I can't go with susan
right in front of steve.

354
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:04,901
You don't understand.

355
00:16:04,901 --> 00:16:07,601
Have you seen
dead people?

356
00:16:07,601 --> 00:16:12,133
Trust me, death is
the best argument
for moisturizer.

357
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:15,367
You can't prevent death
with face cream.

358
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,601
That's what everyone thinks,

359
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:19,000
But no one's ever used it
in the quantities i do.

360
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,200
It's just one afternoon
in a crematorium.

361
00:16:23,868 --> 00:16:26,267
She's being cremated?

362
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:27,934
That's so unhygienic.

363
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:31,534
I refuse to breathe
a dead person.

364
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:34,467
It's just a funeral.
Everybody's been to funerals.

365
00:16:34,467 --> 00:16:35,701
Even you've been
to a funeral.

366
00:16:35,701 --> 00:16:38,400
Yes, but i didn't inhale.

367
00:16:40,601 --> 00:16:44,868
There's gonna be
a lot of old people there.

368
00:16:44,868 --> 00:16:48,067
You'd be the most moist.

369
00:17:02,534 --> 00:17:06,434
Just, um...going to a funeral.

370
00:17:06,434 --> 00:17:08,234
Is it an aunt?

371
00:17:09,467 --> 00:17:10,467
Yeah.

372
00:17:10,467 --> 00:17:11,534
Good luck.

373
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:29,834
<i>Four of them.
Four of your friends.</i>

374
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:31,567
Look, i explained.

375
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:33,601
Susan won't let me
go with you

376
00:17:33,601 --> 00:17:34,801
Unless she
brings patrick.

377
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:36,634
Patrick won't come
unless sally comes.

378
00:17:36,634 --> 00:17:37,968
And jeff won't back out

379
00:17:37,968 --> 00:17:40,501
'Cause he's the only one who
actually knew your aunt,

380
00:17:40,501 --> 00:17:42,801
And he thinks it's unfair
if he's left behind.

381
00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:44,567
I think your friends
have behaved appallingly,

382
00:17:44,567 --> 00:17:46,067
And you should
tell them that.

383
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:47,067
You tell them.

384
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,601
It's your job
to tell them.

385
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:49,834
They're your friends.

386
00:17:51,033 --> 00:17:52,934
I'd feel stupid.

387
00:17:52,934 --> 00:17:56,667
The very least you can do,
steve, is tell them!

388
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:03,300
You've all
behaved appallingly.

389
00:18:42,801 --> 00:18:44,767
Will you guys
hurry up?

390
00:18:47,968 --> 00:18:50,200
<i>And stop playing
reservoir dogs.</i>

391
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,000
All: sorry.

392
00:18:57,534 --> 00:18:58,734
Auntie muriel.

393
00:18:58,734 --> 00:19:00,501
Jane, my dear.

394
00:19:00,501 --> 00:19:03,567
We're not going on
to the crematorium till 2:00.

395
00:19:03,567 --> 00:19:05,000
Have a sausage roll.

396
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,667
We're eating
before the funeral.

397
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:08,133
Isn't that
a little unusual?

398
00:19:08,133 --> 00:19:10,234
Well, i'm hungry now.

399
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:13,234
Anyway,
i never liked the bitch.

400
00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,501
Sausage roll?

401
00:19:15,501 --> 00:19:17,234
Everyone,
this is my auntie.

402
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:18,534
All: hello.

403
00:19:18,534 --> 00:19:21,200
We're going on
to the crematorium
at half past two.

404
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,901
Aren't you cutting it
a bit fine?

405
00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:25,501
<i>My other auntie,
patrick.</i>

406
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:30,300
I'm muriel.
Margaret's in the box.

407
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:32,834
Half past?
You said 2:00.

408
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,601
2:00, half past--

409
00:19:34,601 --> 00:19:36,300
She's quite stable.

410
00:19:37,534 --> 00:19:39,968
Sausage roll, margaret?

411
00:19:39,968 --> 00:19:43,300
Oh, no, you're dead.

412
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:45,367
Vicar: jane.

413
00:19:46,667 --> 00:19:49,100
What a sad day.

414
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,434
But you look
lovelier than ever.

415
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:52,968
Oh, thank you.

416
00:19:52,968 --> 00:19:54,400
Now, i can never remember--

417
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,067
Which of these lads
is your young man?

418
00:19:57,067 --> 00:19:58,300
Um, hang on.

419
00:19:58,300 --> 00:19:59,567
Well, i'm with sally.

420
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:01,100
I thought you
were with susan.

421
00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:02,200
No, i'm with susan.

422
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,734
I must be
with jane, then.

423
00:20:03,734 --> 00:20:05,167
Vicar, hello,
nice to see you again.

424
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:10,868
Where have you been?

425
00:20:10,868 --> 00:20:13,734
I can't go around with you
unless susan goes with patrick,

426
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:16,334
And he won't go near her
because of me.

427
00:20:16,334 --> 00:20:17,634
Oh, for heaven's sake!

428
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:19,968
Do you really think i'm trying
to get back with you?

429
00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:21,267
Aren't you?

430
00:20:21,267 --> 00:20:22,400
No.

431
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:24,801
I'm pleased
you're with susan.

432
00:20:24,801 --> 00:20:26,133
She's perfect for you.

433
00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,801
She's lovely.
She's very sexy.

434
00:20:27,801 --> 00:20:29,133
Yeah, she is,
isn't she?

435
00:20:29,133 --> 00:20:31,834
Absolutely.
I quite fancy her myself.

436
00:20:31,834 --> 00:20:33,701
Really?

437
00:20:33,701 --> 00:20:36,200
Not really my type,
but i could've gone for her.

438
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:37,667
You're lucky
you saw her first.

439
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:39,734
Really?

440
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,200
Look, i suppose
this funeral thing was my fault.

441
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:45,534
I should've known how
it was gonna look to susan.

442
00:20:45,534 --> 00:20:48,634
I'm gonna go and square it
with her, okay?

443
00:20:48,634 --> 00:20:49,968
Really?

444
00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,501
Coming?

445
00:20:51,501 --> 00:20:56,801
Actually, i'm gonna stand
behind this table for a bit.

446
00:20:56,801 --> 00:20:57,901
What?

447
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,934
Yeah, i'm just
gonna stand here...

448
00:20:59,934 --> 00:21:01,534
for a bit.

449
00:21:01,534 --> 00:21:03,267
Why?

450
00:21:03,267 --> 00:21:06,567
It's your fault--
Talking about women.

451
00:21:09,100 --> 00:21:11,667
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Sorry.

452
00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:13,434
How much longer?

453
00:21:13,434 --> 00:21:17,067
Um, about the usual amount.

454
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,934
How much longer
in minutes, steve?

455
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:23,267
Oh, um...not very.

456
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:26,400
Sounds familiar.

457
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:29,167
I wish you'd have mentioned
this lesbian obsession

458
00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:30,634
When we were going out.

459
00:21:30,634 --> 00:21:32,901
At least then we
could've had some threesomes.

460
00:21:35,667 --> 00:21:37,400
We could've had threesomes?

461
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,000
A couple of my girlfriends
suggested it.

462
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,901
I didn't think
you'd be interested.

463
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:44,601
We could've had threesomes?

464
00:21:44,601 --> 00:21:47,167
There's no point going on
about it now, is there?

465
00:21:47,167 --> 00:21:48,300
It's too late.

466
00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:50,901
We went out for 4 1/2 years.
You never said.

467
00:21:50,901 --> 00:21:52,033
Aw, steve...

468
00:21:52,033 --> 00:21:55,901
it's hardly my fault
you missed the...window.

469
00:21:57,968 --> 00:21:59,667
Are you all right?

470
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,167
No, not really.

471
00:22:02,167 --> 00:22:06,801
It's a very difficult time,
this.

472
00:22:06,801 --> 00:22:08,234
( Gasping )
very difficult.

473
00:22:10,767 --> 00:22:12,200
Let it out, son.

474
00:22:14,234 --> 00:22:16,067
Let it go.

475
00:22:16,067 --> 00:22:19,133
I think
that might be best.

476
00:22:20,734 --> 00:22:22,300
I think we ought to talk.

477
00:22:22,300 --> 00:22:23,634
About what?

478
00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:25,934
I think you know about what.

479
00:22:35,367 --> 00:22:37,133
Excuse me.

480
00:22:37,133 --> 00:22:38,267
Oh, my god!

481
00:22:40,133 --> 00:22:42,033
What's wrong?
Nothing.

482
00:22:42,033 --> 00:22:44,834
Nothing, i just got
a bit of a fright.

483
00:22:44,834 --> 00:22:47,267
I was just saying
to my friend here,

484
00:22:47,267 --> 00:22:50,434
<i>You look so like me
when i was younger.</i>

485
00:22:50,434 --> 00:22:52,300
Don't be horrible.

486
00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:53,400
Pardon?

487
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,534
Sorry, no, um...

488
00:22:56,534 --> 00:23:00,400
she's like me in my wedding
photographs, isn't she?

489
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,167
What age was i then?

490
00:23:02,167 --> 00:23:03,534
About 40?

491
00:23:03,534 --> 00:23:05,200
40?

492
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,634
About 40, yes.

493
00:23:07,634 --> 00:23:09,701
I don't look 40!

494
00:23:12,834 --> 00:23:14,934
So do you know
any of these people?

495
00:23:14,934 --> 00:23:16,467
No, not really.

496
00:23:16,467 --> 00:23:18,200
Well, nobody upright.

497
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,200
I don't know how you cope.

498
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:23,234
I hate it in a room
full of people i don't know.

499
00:23:23,234 --> 00:23:26,267
Oh, well, you see,
i have a secret.

500
00:23:26,267 --> 00:23:29,801
I have a special way
of looking at people.

501
00:23:29,801 --> 00:23:32,334
Nothing can
frighten me now.

502
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:42,367
You want
the rest of this?

503
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,167
What about the ear thing?
Does he still do that?

504
00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:48,334
Oh, god, the ear thing!

505
00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:50,033
( Clicks tongue )
( screams )

506
00:23:50,033 --> 00:23:52,067
What does he think
that's gonna do?

507
00:23:52,067 --> 00:23:53,801
( Both laugh )

508
00:23:53,801 --> 00:23:55,434
And look at my neck.

509
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,067
Look at the underhang
of my jaw.

510
00:23:58,067 --> 00:24:01,200
No way is that
a 40-Year-Old underhang.

511
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:05,133
Yeah, it's getting
a bit segmented.

512
00:24:05,133 --> 00:24:07,634
What do you mean?

513
00:24:07,634 --> 00:24:10,133
That's how it starts,
you know.

514
00:24:10,133 --> 00:24:11,868
( Gasps )
don't touch me!

515
00:24:11,868 --> 00:24:14,534
I'm full of moisturizer.
You might drain it all off!

516
00:24:14,534 --> 00:24:17,200
What?
It'd be like rain
on the desert--

517
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:19,033
It'd all get
sucked away.

518
00:24:19,033 --> 00:24:21,167
You'd probably reflate.

519
00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:25,534
45.
What?

520
00:24:25,534 --> 00:24:30,934
I was 45 when i got married,
when i looked just like you.

521
00:24:30,934 --> 00:24:34,567
And what age are you now?
92.

522
00:24:34,567 --> 00:24:38,300
Well, you must be getting
pretty nervous, then.

523
00:24:38,300 --> 00:24:40,000
Nervous?

524
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:41,467
Let's be honest,

525
00:24:41,467 --> 00:24:44,868
This has got to be
your last funeral standing up.

526
00:24:44,868 --> 00:24:48,334
You use a lot of face cream,
don't you?

527
00:24:48,334 --> 00:24:50,234
Yes.

528
00:24:50,234 --> 00:24:51,701
So did i.

529
00:24:59,801 --> 00:25:01,200
Jeff?

530
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:02,400
( Tearfully )
what?

531
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,868
What's the matter
with you?

532
00:25:04,868 --> 00:25:08,033
I can't turn off
the naked people.

533
00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:11,067
Great!

534
00:25:11,067 --> 00:25:12,868
What do you mean,
"great"?

535
00:25:12,868 --> 00:25:14,067
Oh! Ugh!

536
00:25:14,067 --> 00:25:16,334
It's disgusting!

537
00:25:16,334 --> 00:25:18,067
Exactly.

538
00:25:18,067 --> 00:25:22,767
<i>If everyone else is disgusting,
that means you must be the best.</i>

539
00:25:22,767 --> 00:25:24,767
Hmm?

540
00:25:24,767 --> 00:25:27,167
You're gonna walk
that interview, jeff.

541
00:25:27,167 --> 00:25:29,234
I am, aren't i?

542
00:25:29,234 --> 00:25:32,567
Jane: oh, look there,
we've made up.

543
00:25:32,567 --> 00:25:34,067
Happy now?

544
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,501
Susan, this is awful!

545
00:25:37,501 --> 00:25:38,601
What's happened?

546
00:25:38,601 --> 00:25:40,667
I'm getting older,
and i'm going to die.

547
00:25:40,667 --> 00:25:43,467
I knew this would happen
if i came to a funeral.

548
00:25:43,467 --> 00:25:47,667
Oh, look, it's
my other new friend sally.

549
00:25:47,667 --> 00:25:49,534
Isn't this nice?

550
00:25:49,534 --> 00:25:52,901
Look at us, steve.
What a threesome.

551
00:26:03,501 --> 00:26:06,300
You should see this
the way i do.

552
00:26:06,300 --> 00:26:08,367
Excuse me.

553
00:26:08,367 --> 00:26:11,367
Could you just hang on
for a moment?

554
00:26:11,367 --> 00:26:12,534
I'm sorry?

555
00:26:12,534 --> 00:26:16,133
We--We just want to um...
say good-Bye.

556
00:26:16,133 --> 00:26:18,400
Just take a moment.

557
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,133
Would you like me to open
the casket so you can see her?

558
00:26:22,367 --> 00:26:24,934
Yeah, that would
probably do the trick.

559
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,501
Vicar, clapping hands:
everybody!

560
00:26:34,667 --> 00:26:38,601
I just thought, before we
go onto the crematorium,

561
00:26:38,601 --> 00:26:42,100
We should take a moment
to remember margaret here,

562
00:26:42,100 --> 00:26:46,434
In her home,
which she loved so much.

563
00:26:46,434 --> 00:26:49,267
So, let's have
a minute's silence...

564
00:26:51,167 --> 00:26:53,000
starting now.

565
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:55,400
( Ticking loudly )

566
00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:33,801
( Glass shattering )

567
00:27:33,801 --> 00:27:35,133
( Woman laughing )

568
00:27:36,834 --> 00:27:39,100
( Woman laughing hysterically )

569
00:27:45,300 --> 00:27:47,467
Well, you've got
to laugh.

570
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,934
We're ready for you now,
mr. Murdoch.

571
00:28:15,234 --> 00:28:17,634
Woman:
good morning, mr. Murdoch.

572
00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,467
Mr. Murdoch?

573
00:28:24,968 --> 00:28:27,901
Are you all right,
mr. Murdoch?

574
00:28:29,534 --> 00:28:31,000
*

575
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:33,501
* if you can't make
your mind up *

576
00:28:33,501 --> 00:28:35,367
* we'll never *

577
00:28:35,367 --> 00:28:37,634
* get started *

578
00:28:39,100 --> 00:28:41,901
* and i don't want to wind up *

579
00:28:41,901 --> 00:28:46,501
* bein' parted,
broken-Hearted *

580
00:28:48,067 --> 00:28:51,000
* so if you really love me *

581
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:52,667
* say yes *

582
00:28:52,667 --> 00:28:55,334
* and please don't tell me *

583
00:28:55,334 --> 00:28:59,801
* perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *