1 00:00:04,168 --> 00:00:05,367 Susan! 2 00:00:05,433 --> 00:00:07,168 What? 3 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:11,634 Where are you going? 4 00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:13,867 It's up to you. 5 00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:25,767 ** 6 00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:34,367 * you won't admit you love me * 7 00:00:34,433 --> 00:00:36,234 * and so * 8 00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,934 * how am i ever * 9 00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:40,667 * to know? * 10 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:43,234 * you always tell me * 11 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:46,967 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * 12 00:00:48,067 --> 00:00:49,268 * perhaps * 13 00:00:50,268 --> 00:00:51,367 * perhaps * 14 00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:53,967 * perhaps * 15 00:00:56,534 --> 00:00:58,333 Susan! 16 00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:04,034 What? 17 00:01:05,634 --> 00:01:06,867 What? 18 00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,967 You know. 19 00:01:10,034 --> 00:01:15,134 No...i don't. 20 00:02:17,901 --> 00:02:20,034 I was just wrong. 21 00:02:20,101 --> 00:02:22,934 Wrong about everything. 22 00:02:23,001 --> 00:02:26,534 Since you left me, I've come to see the point 23 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:30,634 of cut flowers and very small picture frames, 24 00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:33,201 and relatives. 25 00:02:33,268 --> 00:02:37,067 I'm thinking of owning more than one bar of soap at a time 26 00:02:37,134 --> 00:02:39,168 and buying another towel. 27 00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:42,567 And the stands to put the toilet roll on. 28 00:02:42,634 --> 00:02:46,600 And toilet roll, even when I've got a newspaper. 29 00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:50,901 I now realize that my playstation 30 00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:54,300 is a complete waste of my life... 31 00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:57,001 And that a lack of realistic Gore 32 00:02:57,067 --> 00:03:00,667 is not a sensible criticism of chess. 33 00:03:02,567 --> 00:03:05,767 I absolutely promise to abandon 34 00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:09,101 all of my disgusting sexual deviances 35 00:03:09,168 --> 00:03:14,134 like lesbian porn, mariella frostrup... 36 00:03:14,201 --> 00:03:16,834 And talking to other women. 37 00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,700 Susan... 38 00:03:21,767 --> 00:03:24,201 Please... 39 00:03:26,567 --> 00:03:29,034 ( voice cracking ) just take me back. 40 00:03:36,168 --> 00:03:39,834 I found someone new, someone better. 41 00:03:39,901 --> 00:03:43,867 Someone who's gonna satisfy me in a way you never could, 42 00:03:43,934 --> 00:03:46,834 you sad, pathetic little man. 43 00:03:46,901 --> 00:03:49,534 And I'm gonna make you watch. 44 00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,034 Hello, mariella. 45 00:03:53,101 --> 00:03:54,367 Hello, Susan. 46 00:03:54,433 --> 00:03:56,600 Are you wearing really small pants? 47 00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:59,400 Oh, i always wear really small pants. 48 00:03:59,467 --> 00:04:00,400 Me, too. 49 00:04:00,467 --> 00:04:02,333 Mine are absolutely tiny. 50 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,634 You could swallow my entire pants collection 51 00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:06,700 with one sip of water. 52 00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,567 Could i? Thanks. 53 00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:12,400 Oh, look, there's Gail Porter. 54 00:04:15,867 --> 00:04:17,001 Let's have a foam party. 55 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:18,201 Hi, Gail. 56 00:04:18,268 --> 00:04:21,101 Are you wearing really tiny pants? 57 00:04:21,168 --> 00:04:23,367 Jeff: Excellent! 58 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,534 Why do you always turn up in these dreams? 59 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,734 It's a gift. 60 00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:35,134 Watch out, mariella's losing power. 61 00:04:37,134 --> 00:04:38,767 perhaps, perhaps * 62 00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:40,001 leave now forever! 63 00:04:40,067 --> 00:04:41,067 Susan, i-- 64 00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:42,567 and take your pathetic collection 65 00:04:42,634 --> 00:04:44,967 of dirty videos with you! 66 00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,300 Excellent! 67 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,001 What are you doing here? 68 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,967 Spooky, isn't it? 69 00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:37,367 Am i really supposed to be reading this? 70 00:05:37,433 --> 00:05:39,600 No, you're supposed to send it to Steve. 71 00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:43,001 Why? 72 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:45,867 You've always got to send a man a book when you split up 73 00:05:45,934 --> 00:05:48,367 to prove how you're a caring, giving person 74 00:05:48,433 --> 00:05:51,967 and how they're gonna die alone in a pit of their own filth. 75 00:05:54,001 --> 00:05:56,367 bridge across destiny. 76 00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:59,934 It's about soul mates, fate, and why men are rubbish. 77 00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:02,667 Are you okay? 78 00:06:02,734 --> 00:06:04,834 Yeah, i-I'm fine. 79 00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:07,067 Ow to heal a man. 80 00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,168 That one's very useful. 81 00:06:08,234 --> 00:06:09,901 It clarifies to even the happiest man 82 00:06:09,967 --> 00:06:11,667 that, actually, he's miserable. 83 00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,101 Kill, kill the dogs! 84 00:06:13,168 --> 00:06:14,201 Kill, kill, kill! 85 00:06:14,268 --> 00:06:16,168 ( gunshots, dog groaning ) 86 00:06:16,234 --> 00:06:18,634 weren't you supposed to be getting some wine? 87 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,734 It tells men the right things to be happy about 88 00:06:20,801 --> 00:06:23,134 instead of sport and having fun. 89 00:06:23,201 --> 00:06:25,101 Wine! 90 00:06:25,168 --> 00:06:26,700 Now make her do the crawl action. 91 00:06:26,767 --> 00:06:28,201 She doesn't need to crawl. 92 00:06:28,268 --> 00:06:29,467 Trust me. 93 00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:33,268 ( chuckles ) 94 00:06:33,333 --> 00:06:35,134 wow! 95 00:06:39,001 --> 00:06:40,168 ( rings briefly ) 96 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,934 Sally: Susan? 97 00:06:48,667 --> 00:06:51,234 Patrick: Phoning Susan? 98 00:06:51,300 --> 00:06:52,700 Wasn't quite ready. 99 00:06:52,767 --> 00:06:54,801 Jeff: Yeah, i hate phoning. 100 00:06:54,867 --> 00:06:57,333 You never know who's gonna answer. 101 00:06:58,534 --> 00:06:59,634 What was that? 102 00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:00,734 Oh, nothing. 103 00:07:00,801 --> 00:07:02,134 But you do realize you're supposed 104 00:07:02,201 --> 00:07:04,834 to phone specific people, right? 105 00:07:04,901 --> 00:07:08,767 Yeah. But still, you know what it's like. 106 00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:11,034 Sally: I thought i heard the phone. 107 00:07:11,101 --> 00:07:14,234 It just sort of...chirped. 108 00:07:14,300 --> 00:07:15,400 Chirped? 109 00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,101 You phone someone, 110 00:07:18,168 --> 00:07:20,201 someone you know or a woman, 111 00:07:20,268 --> 00:07:24,734 and you don't know what's going on. 112 00:07:25,934 --> 00:07:27,367 A chirp, eh? 113 00:07:27,433 --> 00:07:29,634 There's nothing to analyze here, Sally. 114 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,268 Jeff: You're just suddenly in the middle 115 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:32,400 of someone's house, 116 00:07:32,467 --> 00:07:33,901 anything could be happening. 117 00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:36,834 There could be old people naked. 118 00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:38,634 You wouldn't be able to see them! 119 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,034 Yeah, but they could be out there, rustling. 120 00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:43,433 But it could have been-- 121 00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:44,967 who knows? Who cares? 122 00:07:45,034 --> 00:07:46,367 It was a chirp. 123 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,867 There's nothing you can tell from a chirp. 124 00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:50,600 Of course i know that. Good. 125 00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:51,700 How long a chirp? 126 00:07:51,767 --> 00:07:53,667 Sally! 127 00:07:53,734 --> 00:07:55,767 Jeff: Jenny turbot. 128 00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:57,001 I'm sorry? 129 00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,567 Worst phone call i ever made. 130 00:07:59,634 --> 00:08:01,134 Right. 131 00:08:01,201 --> 00:08:04,067 If this chirp was an animal... 132 00:08:04,134 --> 00:08:05,667 I mean it! 133 00:08:05,734 --> 00:08:07,801 Jeff: It was my final year at school, 134 00:08:07,867 --> 00:08:10,500 and there she was, Jenny turbot. 135 00:08:10,567 --> 00:08:11,967 It was like she'd come to life 136 00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,234 from one of my magazines, 137 00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:15,268 as if all the candles and the chanting 138 00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:16,867 had finally worked. 139 00:08:18,934 --> 00:08:23,001 I'd never seen a woman that gorgeous fully dressed. 140 00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:24,767 Clothes looked wrong on her somehow 141 00:08:24,834 --> 00:08:27,567 as if she'd developed a fault. 142 00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,600 You know, you could-- don't say it! 143 00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,634 Jeff: I fell completely in love with her... 144 00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:34,667 Totally. 145 00:08:34,734 --> 00:08:36,500 I knew she was the one. 146 00:08:36,567 --> 00:08:38,234 Everyone else called her "the school bike," 147 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:41,034 said she'd put out for absolutely anyone, 148 00:08:41,101 --> 00:08:43,567 and it wasn't just that. 149 00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,333 And i got her phone number, right. 150 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,300 It took me ages, but i got it. 151 00:08:49,367 --> 00:08:50,934 It was on a little scrap of paper, 152 00:08:51,001 --> 00:08:53,367 the turbot's actual phone number. 153 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:54,867 That little scrap of paper 154 00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,067 gave me the best time of my life... 155 00:08:57,134 --> 00:09:00,767 A month of complete sexual bliss. 156 00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:04,400 In the end, i had to phone her before it fell apart. 157 00:09:04,467 --> 00:09:07,034 And she knew who i was! 158 00:09:07,101 --> 00:09:10,034 She remembered me. Nobody ever remembered me. 159 00:09:10,101 --> 00:09:12,433 But the turbot, she remembered. 160 00:09:12,500 --> 00:09:16,234 And we were just chatting away, and it was easy. 161 00:09:16,300 --> 00:09:19,101 And i just asked her out. I just did it. 162 00:09:19,168 --> 00:09:21,300 An actual date. 163 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,667 It wouldn't hurt-- yes, it would! 164 00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:26,934 Patrick: So what went wrong? 165 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,767 Well, her ex suddenly turns up again, doesn't he? 166 00:09:29,834 --> 00:09:33,268 Barry. Barry the bastard. 167 00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,467 Before you know it, 168 00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,634 they're shagging away like maniacs. 169 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:39,333 I kept asking her out, obviously, i pleaded, 170 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:40,667 but she was too busy 171 00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:43,201 with all the endless shagging. 172 00:09:43,268 --> 00:09:46,801 So, in the end, i just had to hang up. 173 00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,201 She was having sex with this guy 174 00:09:57,268 --> 00:09:58,734 while you were still on the phone? 175 00:09:58,801 --> 00:10:01,700 Actually, i think the phone was involved. 176 00:10:05,234 --> 00:10:08,367 Steve: Oh, dear God! 177 00:10:08,433 --> 00:10:11,600 That was as close as i got to Jenny turbot. 178 00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:16,034 I was a sex aid for her and Barry the bastard. 179 00:10:17,268 --> 00:10:19,867 I counted it as half a point. 180 00:10:20,934 --> 00:10:22,801 Patrick: I got phoned during sex once. 181 00:10:22,867 --> 00:10:25,001 Can we please not hear about it. 182 00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,101 It's a bit embarrassing, actually. 183 00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:29,734 There i was, in the middle of serious, full-on sex, 184 00:10:29,801 --> 00:10:31,333 when my girlfriend phones. 185 00:10:32,667 --> 00:10:33,967 Jeff: Bloody hell! 186 00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:35,034 Steve: That's very embarrassing! 187 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:36,333 She kept going on and on 188 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,433 about how i was ignoring her. 189 00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:39,667 You don't think it was maybe 190 00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:41,700 because you were having sex with somebody else? 191 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:43,801 No, no, i was having sex with her. 192 00:10:48,500 --> 00:10:50,867 Shit! What? 193 00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:54,400 Sally, no! That way madness lies. 194 00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:56,400 I didn't say anything that time. 195 00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,067 You just thought it. 196 00:10:59,134 --> 00:11:00,168 Jeff: What's wrong? 197 00:11:00,234 --> 00:11:01,901 I connected. 198 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:05,168 When i phoned Susan-- for a moment, i connected. 199 00:11:05,234 --> 00:11:06,934 Sally: Shall we say it together? 200 00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:09,567 So? What do you mean, "so?" 201 00:11:09,634 --> 00:11:11,867 All five: 1471! 202 00:11:11,934 --> 00:11:14,067 What if she checks? She'll know it was me. 203 00:11:14,134 --> 00:11:15,268 Jeff: Well? 204 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,400 What if she's there? What if she's about to-- 205 00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:19,433 Patrick, have you got your mobile? 206 00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:20,433 No. 207 00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,734 Jeff? Why? 208 00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:26,600 Sally: So you know, one way or the other. 209 00:11:26,667 --> 00:11:27,801 Will you phone her? 210 00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:29,101 I don't want to phone her. 211 00:11:29,168 --> 00:11:30,101 Jeff, please! Forget it! 212 00:11:30,168 --> 00:11:31,734 You don't have to talk to her. 213 00:11:31,801 --> 00:11:32,801 I'm not talking to her. 214 00:11:32,867 --> 00:11:34,268 You're the ones who've split up. 215 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:35,567 Jeff! 216 00:11:35,634 --> 00:11:37,134 I don't talk to women when they're emotional. 217 00:11:37,201 --> 00:11:39,168 They're allowed to slap you. 218 00:11:39,234 --> 00:11:40,367 Over the phone? 219 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:41,600 Well, she'll remember for next time. 220 00:11:41,667 --> 00:11:42,934 Women remember, Steve. 221 00:11:43,001 --> 00:11:45,134 It's like they've got minds of their own. 222 00:11:45,201 --> 00:11:46,700 You don't have to talk to her. 223 00:11:46,767 --> 00:11:48,767 You're gonna hang up the moment it rings. 224 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,001 It's just so that I'm not the last one who phoned 225 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,634 when she 1471's. 226 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:53,934 It just seems like 227 00:11:54,001 --> 00:11:55,734 a really needy thing to do. 228 00:11:55,801 --> 00:11:57,067 I don't do needy. 229 00:11:57,134 --> 00:12:00,234 You're a woman. Needy is our golf. 230 00:12:02,734 --> 00:12:04,834 Oh! You see? 231 00:12:04,901 --> 00:12:06,201 It'll be me that phoned. 232 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:07,634 Exactly. 233 00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,034 Susan: What does that mean? 234 00:12:09,101 --> 00:12:11,168 I don't know. I didn't think it through. 235 00:12:12,168 --> 00:12:13,567 Okay, I'll do it. 236 00:12:13,634 --> 00:12:15,767 Good man! 237 00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:17,001 Okay, I'll do it. 238 00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,034 That's my girl! 239 00:12:18,101 --> 00:12:19,168 Do you need the number? 240 00:12:19,234 --> 00:12:21,367 No, you still got it on redial. 241 00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:23,168 ( dialing number ) 242 00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:24,234 ( rings ) 243 00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,567 oh! Oh! 244 00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:27,534 Second chirp. You have a second chirp. 245 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,867 Second chirp on the radar. 246 00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:35,300 We don't know it was him. 247 00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:37,134 Why else would your phone keep chirping? 248 00:12:37,201 --> 00:12:39,333 I don't know, maybe it's having a good day. 249 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,101 He's wanting to phone. He's changing his mind. 250 00:12:41,168 --> 00:12:43,500 Next time, try and answer during the chirp. 251 00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:45,667 Do you know why I'm not gonna do this, Sally? 252 00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:47,901 Because I'm just not that desperate. 253 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,101 ( knock on door ) 254 00:12:52,168 --> 00:12:53,333 hello?! 255 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:07,400 Steve, you've made a mistake. 256 00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,534 Have i really? 257 00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:15,001 I'll get that, shall i? 258 00:13:15,067 --> 00:13:16,700 It'll be your number on the phone-- 259 00:13:16,767 --> 00:13:20,001 you were supposed to use your mobile! 260 00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,234 Because, actually, that was the door, 261 00:13:23,300 --> 00:13:24,400 not the phone. 262 00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:26,967 Yes, Sally, i know. 263 00:13:27,034 --> 00:13:28,433 So I'll get it, shall i? 264 00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:32,234 Ah...right! 265 00:13:34,101 --> 00:13:36,901 I'll just go over... Here and get it. 266 00:13:36,967 --> 00:13:38,667 Because this is where the door is 267 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,901 as opposed to the telephone, do you see? 268 00:13:40,967 --> 00:13:42,500 Sally! 269 00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:44,901 I don't have my mobile with me. 270 00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:48,268 Using my phone was not the second best option. 271 00:13:48,333 --> 00:13:50,767 Jane: Hi, hi. What's happening? 272 00:13:50,834 --> 00:13:51,867 Has Steve phoned yet? 273 00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,168 Sally: Well... 274 00:13:53,234 --> 00:13:55,101 No phone calls, just the occasional chirp. 275 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,667 How long a chirp? 276 00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:59,067 Well, for God's sake! 277 00:13:59,134 --> 00:14:00,500 I brought you books. 278 00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,333 You might want to send one to Steve. 279 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,667 Ridge across destiny. 280 00:14:04,734 --> 00:14:06,134 Isn't it great? 281 00:14:06,201 --> 00:14:07,567 It's like a manual for living 282 00:14:07,634 --> 00:14:09,634 that proves men are wrong. 283 00:14:09,700 --> 00:14:11,934 No offense, but do you know that your voice 284 00:14:12,001 --> 00:14:13,834 actually makes me grind my teeth? 285 00:14:13,901 --> 00:14:15,901 None taken. 286 00:14:15,967 --> 00:14:18,234 0 ways to make him your soul mate. 287 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,667 Oh, this one's fabulous. 288 00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:22,500 It's like the citizen's arrest of romance. 289 00:14:22,567 --> 00:14:25,067 Can you hear them, Jane, grinding away? 290 00:14:25,134 --> 00:14:27,534 Do you know, i think i can. 291 00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,101 Patrick: Why don't you phone her back 292 00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:31,168 and withhold your number? 293 00:14:31,234 --> 00:14:32,667 Yeah, that'd work. 294 00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:35,300 Susan: Come on, Jane, let's get you a drink. 295 00:14:35,367 --> 00:14:37,600 I mean, it's not that i don't like you or anything, 296 00:14:37,667 --> 00:14:40,367 it's just that I'm developing extra muscles in my jaw. 297 00:14:40,433 --> 00:14:43,001 We'll leave Susan to do whatever she feels she has to. 298 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,967 How would i withhold my number? 299 00:14:45,034 --> 00:14:47,001 You've never withheld your number? 300 00:14:47,067 --> 00:14:48,268 Why would i? 301 00:14:48,333 --> 00:14:49,967 Oh, you know... 302 00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:53,333 Purposes. 303 00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:56,967 Exactly. 304 00:14:57,034 --> 00:15:00,234 Okay. How do i do it, then? 305 00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,500 141. Brilliant. 306 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,101 When do i do the 141? 307 00:15:06,168 --> 00:15:07,234 Jeff: First. 308 00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:08,634 ( telephone rings ) oh! 309 00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,700 Incoming! 310 00:15:11,767 --> 00:15:13,567 Jane: I'm excited, too! 311 00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:15,300 Okay, i don't know what he's playing at, 312 00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:16,600 but I'm just not joining in. 313 00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:19,834 First? First, yeah. 314 00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,234 Sally: Don't you want to at least-- 315 00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:22,567 no, i don't! 316 00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:27,067 Look, just to set your mind at rest... 317 00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:29,667 1471. 318 00:15:29,734 --> 00:15:31,268 Susan: How do i delete the number? 319 00:15:31,333 --> 00:15:32,367 Three. 320 00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,034 Oh, no, that's the messages. 321 00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,634 Three calls the number. 322 00:15:35,700 --> 00:15:37,500 ( telephone rings ) men: Aah! 323 00:15:39,001 --> 00:15:40,433 Bollocks! 324 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,700 Jeff: They're on to us! 325 00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:46,101 Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks! 326 00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:49,168 They know exactly where we are! 327 00:15:49,234 --> 00:15:50,967 He'll know it was me! 328 00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,467 He'll 1471! 329 00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,034 Jeff, she's my girlfriend. 330 00:15:54,101 --> 00:15:55,834 She already knows where i live. 331 00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,001 Ex-girlfriend. 332 00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,867 And which part of your brain 333 00:15:59,934 --> 00:16:03,567 thought that that would be a good thing to say? 334 00:16:03,634 --> 00:16:06,600 Jane: Okay, I've got a plan to get us out of this. 335 00:16:06,667 --> 00:16:07,934 Sally and i just go. 336 00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,333 How does that help me? 337 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,567 It doesn't. I had to leave you out of the plan. 338 00:16:11,634 --> 00:16:14,300 Oh, thanks! Oh, great! 339 00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:15,967 Come on. Wait! 340 00:16:16,034 --> 00:16:16,967 Sally: What? 341 00:16:17,034 --> 00:16:18,333 Where are we going? 342 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,767 Steve: I'm a man who's been dumped, 343 00:16:19,834 --> 00:16:21,201 you know where we're going. 344 00:16:21,268 --> 00:16:22,801 Susan: I'm coming with you. 345 00:16:22,867 --> 00:16:23,901 Sally: What if he phones? 346 00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,201 I don't care if he phones. 347 00:16:25,268 --> 00:16:26,367 Come on, let's go. 348 00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:27,467 Hang on. 349 00:16:27,534 --> 00:16:28,634 Susan: What are you doing? 350 00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,268 Just checking your answerphone's on. 351 00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:31,433 Jane: Oh, yeah. 352 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,168 Susan: Jane? 353 00:16:33,234 --> 00:16:35,268 Just checking you hung up properly. 354 00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:37,168 Oh! Oh! 355 00:16:40,268 --> 00:16:41,433 Oh. 356 00:16:45,834 --> 00:16:47,700 Let's just risk it. 357 00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,034 Okay. 358 00:16:49,101 --> 00:16:50,333 It's like checking your fridge light 359 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,201 really goes off, isn't it? 360 00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:55,067 Yeah, i expect so. 361 00:16:55,134 --> 00:16:58,034 There's a whole night of my life i want back. 362 00:17:03,867 --> 00:17:05,134 Patrick: So where are we going? 363 00:17:05,201 --> 00:17:07,067 Steve: The temple of woman. 364 00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:08,400 Sally: So where are we going? 365 00:17:08,467 --> 00:17:11,201 Susan: The temple of woman. 366 00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,367 ( dance music playing ) 367 00:17:39,634 --> 00:17:41,367 do you think this is the sort of place 368 00:17:41,433 --> 00:17:42,934 that degrades women? 369 00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:46,567 We could ask. 370 00:17:46,634 --> 00:17:49,201 I'm sure someone else has been using my neck. 371 00:17:49,268 --> 00:17:51,801 Your neck's fine. 372 00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:53,400 This is terrifying! 373 00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:54,967 Terrifying? 374 00:17:55,034 --> 00:17:57,467 I think it's started to make noises when i move it. 375 00:17:57,534 --> 00:17:59,867 Do you think i have an audible neck? 376 00:17:59,934 --> 00:18:02,600 Lap dancing is the ultimate nightmare of man. 377 00:18:02,667 --> 00:18:07,500 I mean...it's porn that can see you. 378 00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:09,134 Excellent. 379 00:18:09,201 --> 00:18:11,034 When i was a kid i used to imagine 380 00:18:11,101 --> 00:18:14,067 that the girls in my magazines could see me. 381 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,001 They were shouting, "pervert, pervert!" 382 00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,234 Yeah? 383 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,168 Yeah. But you get bored of that. 384 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:26,201 Some people think that external beauty 385 00:18:26,268 --> 00:18:28,201 comes from inner tranquility. 386 00:18:28,268 --> 00:18:30,201 Of course, some people think it comes 387 00:18:30,268 --> 00:18:31,901 from drinking the blood of virgins, 388 00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:35,101 so there's quite a range there. 389 00:18:35,168 --> 00:18:36,834 You know what my neck needs? 390 00:18:36,901 --> 00:18:38,634 To be left alone. 391 00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:40,534 You've already got enough products on you 392 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,433 to make a spare woman. 393 00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,600 If anti-aging cream actually worked, 394 00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:46,867 you'd be back in puberty. 395 00:18:48,534 --> 00:18:50,534 So why are we here, then? 396 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:55,567 I'm single, i need to look at naked women. 397 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:56,867 If that's what you think, 398 00:18:56,934 --> 00:18:58,168 then why are we here? 399 00:18:58,234 --> 00:19:01,567 I'm single. I need to look good naked. 400 00:19:04,834 --> 00:19:06,201 Steve! 401 00:19:06,268 --> 00:19:07,600 What, what's the matter? 402 00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,734 It's her! 403 00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:10,801 What? 404 00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:14,201 The turbot. Jenny turbot. 405 00:19:14,268 --> 00:19:15,600 Hello, boys. 406 00:19:15,667 --> 00:19:17,534 Hi. Hello. 407 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:18,700 Hello. 408 00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:20,934 So would you like a dance? 409 00:19:21,001 --> 00:19:23,367 Oh, I'm not a very good dancer. 410 00:19:24,734 --> 00:19:26,734 I think the idea is i do the dancing. 411 00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,767 Oh, right. That's probably better. 412 00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:31,967 Probably, yes. 413 00:19:32,034 --> 00:19:34,134 So do you guys want to sit down? 414 00:19:34,201 --> 00:19:35,234 Jenny? 415 00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,500 Yes. 416 00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,034 It's me! 417 00:19:39,101 --> 00:19:40,500 I'm sorry? 418 00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:43,467 Jeff. Jeff murdock. 419 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:47,001 We were at school together. 420 00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:50,634 Oh, my God! Scary Jeff? 421 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:53,467 You see? She remembers me! 422 00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,134 The turbot remembers me! 423 00:19:55,201 --> 00:19:56,600 Well done. Scary. 424 00:19:56,667 --> 00:19:58,934 This is Steve and this is Patrick. 425 00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:01,367 So what are you guys doing here? 426 00:20:01,433 --> 00:20:05,201 Oh, we come here strictly for the articles. 427 00:20:05,268 --> 00:20:07,300 This is amazing! 428 00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:10,034 I can't believe it's you! 429 00:20:10,101 --> 00:20:13,101 Do you remember that time you called me up? 430 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,901 That was wild. 431 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:18,500 Yeah, i was just telling the boys about it. 432 00:20:18,567 --> 00:20:20,367 The only time a guy's ever phoned me. 433 00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:21,801 Oh, I'm sure that's not true. 434 00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:24,901 No, Jeff, the only time a guy's ever... 435 00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:27,534 Phoned me. 436 00:20:31,201 --> 00:20:33,901 S-s-s-so what are you doing these days? 437 00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:36,168 I dance naked for men. 438 00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:37,234 Right! 439 00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:39,201 Great! Nice! 440 00:20:39,268 --> 00:20:41,500 My mother says it's one step from prostitution. 441 00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:43,634 Well, you're practically there, then. 442 00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:45,001 Well, no, i mean, um... 443 00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:46,834 Do you guys want to come and sit down? 444 00:20:46,901 --> 00:20:48,500 Great, thanks. 445 00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:54,667 So do you ever see anyone from school? 446 00:20:54,734 --> 00:20:57,168 Well, the teachers, obviously. 447 00:20:58,534 --> 00:21:00,700 So what do you want done, then? 448 00:21:00,767 --> 00:21:03,867 Oh, her eyes. 449 00:21:03,934 --> 00:21:05,367 I was talking to Susan, actually. 450 00:21:05,433 --> 00:21:06,767 What's wrong with my eyes? 451 00:21:06,834 --> 00:21:08,600 Nothing. They're lovely eyes. 452 00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:09,967 It's just sometimes you look 453 00:21:10,034 --> 00:21:12,300 like you've been possessed by aliens. 454 00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:15,333 Do you have anything for that? 455 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,600 Okay, there's that voice again. 456 00:21:17,667 --> 00:21:18,600 Susan... 457 00:21:18,667 --> 00:21:20,168 Can you hear them grinding, Jane? 458 00:21:20,234 --> 00:21:22,034 Just talk and watch my neck inflate. 459 00:21:22,101 --> 00:21:23,634 Okay. 460 00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:26,201 Oh, for Christ's sake. 461 00:21:26,268 --> 00:21:27,700 Do you want to talk about it? 462 00:21:27,767 --> 00:21:29,834 No, Sally, i want to scream about it. 463 00:21:29,901 --> 00:21:32,367 There's a subtle, yet important, distinction. 464 00:21:32,433 --> 00:21:33,400 Susan. 465 00:21:33,467 --> 00:21:35,034 Jane, one of these days, 466 00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:36,534 you're gonna start a sentence to me, 467 00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,600 and my teeth will just explode. 468 00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:40,134 People will die in the blast. 469 00:21:40,201 --> 00:21:43,201 Well... 470 00:21:43,268 --> 00:21:46,034 That's very pressuring, actually. 471 00:21:55,467 --> 00:21:57,934 Okay, you know what's really getting me mad? 472 00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,400 My boyfriend, my fiance, 473 00:22:00,467 --> 00:22:02,300 the man who, against all my better judgment, 474 00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:03,534 i actually love, 475 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,834 chatted up a woman in a bar. 476 00:22:05,901 --> 00:22:09,001 And, on the very same day, the very same day, 477 00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:11,067 i chatted up a man. 478 00:22:11,134 --> 00:22:12,934 Do you see? Do you get it? 479 00:22:13,001 --> 00:22:15,767 I'm equally at fault. 480 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,300 How can i ever forgive him for that? 481 00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:20,801 Well, of course, I'm not going to forgive him because, 482 00:22:20,867 --> 00:22:23,001 because men--and i don't mean to generalize-- 483 00:22:23,067 --> 00:22:24,534 are crap! 484 00:22:25,801 --> 00:22:28,433 They're the human race's only failed gender. 485 00:22:28,500 --> 00:22:30,467 Who needs them? 486 00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:33,333 And why are they so difficult to keep hold of? 487 00:22:34,634 --> 00:22:36,268 Do you think they realize 488 00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:38,168 that were it not for the genetic imperative 489 00:22:38,234 --> 00:22:39,667 to populate the earth, 490 00:22:39,734 --> 00:22:41,400 they wouldn't get a date? 491 00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:42,600 That's one hell of an inducement-- 492 00:22:42,667 --> 00:22:44,268 no pressure, girls, but shag one of these 493 00:22:44,333 --> 00:22:46,168 or it's curtains for all human kind. 494 00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,134 That's harassment. 495 00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:50,901 But, you know what? 496 00:22:50,967 --> 00:22:54,500 Do you know what's even more crap than men? 497 00:22:54,567 --> 00:22:56,767 E are more crap than men. 498 00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:59,534 All those stupid books you guys had 499 00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:02,067 and, and these magazines. 500 00:23:02,134 --> 00:23:05,400 A hundred pages of "men are useless bastards" 501 00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:06,901 and an article about why you should 502 00:23:06,967 --> 00:23:08,433 wake him up with a blow job. 503 00:23:09,801 --> 00:23:12,700 Am i alone in spotting the inconsistency here? 504 00:23:12,767 --> 00:23:14,734 And these places... 505 00:23:14,801 --> 00:23:16,634 Because, for God's sake, don't let them see 506 00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:17,934 what we really look like. 507 00:23:18,001 --> 00:23:19,467 Just let them enjoy the results. 508 00:23:19,534 --> 00:23:21,734 Don't let them see how it all happens. 509 00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:23,400 You know, i went out with Steve 510 00:23:23,467 --> 00:23:24,500 for six years and... 511 00:23:24,567 --> 00:23:25,700 No, you didn't. 512 00:23:25,767 --> 00:23:28,333 You went out with him for four years, i checked. 513 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,934 Oh. Well, it seemed longer. 514 00:23:32,001 --> 00:23:34,834 Yeah, yeah, of course it seemed longer. 515 00:23:34,901 --> 00:23:36,600 I, myself, have been going out with him 516 00:23:36,667 --> 00:23:40,034 since the 12th century or possibly since last week, 517 00:23:40,101 --> 00:23:41,367 it's hard to keep track. 518 00:23:41,433 --> 00:23:43,034 Because how are you supposed to measure time 519 00:23:43,101 --> 00:23:45,834 with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? 520 00:23:45,901 --> 00:23:46,967 What would make sense? 521 00:23:47,034 --> 00:23:49,767 Centuries? Nanoseconds? 522 00:23:51,534 --> 00:23:53,467 Eggs. 523 00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,700 ( laughing and shouting ) 524 00:25:01,168 --> 00:25:02,834 ( glass shattering ) 525 00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,801 ( buzzing lips ) 526 00:25:25,801 --> 00:25:27,400 ( belches ) 527 00:25:28,700 --> 00:25:30,101 shh! 528 00:25:37,734 --> 00:25:39,433 Ooh! All right, mate? 529 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:40,767 Naked women. 530 00:25:40,834 --> 00:25:42,467 Yeah, fine. 531 00:25:42,534 --> 00:25:47,600 We'd better, um, uh... 532 00:25:47,667 --> 00:25:49,433 Go. 533 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:52,067 Jeff: Naked women, naked, naked women, 534 00:25:52,134 --> 00:25:55,201 naked, naked women, naked women, naked. 535 00:25:55,268 --> 00:25:56,500 See you. 536 00:25:57,934 --> 00:25:59,134 Naked. 537 00:26:14,134 --> 00:26:16,400 Answerphone: I, it's Susan, leave a message. 538 00:26:16,467 --> 00:26:18,300 Ou have one new message. 539 00:26:18,367 --> 00:26:19,367 beep ) 540 00:26:19,433 --> 00:26:21,067 ( drunkenly ) i love you. 541 00:26:21,134 --> 00:26:26,500 I'm really sorry, and i really...love you. 542 00:26:26,567 --> 00:26:30,534 And, also, I'm sorry. 543 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,901 And, also, i-i-i love you. 544 00:26:33,967 --> 00:26:37,034 Oh, please come back to me. 545 00:26:37,101 --> 00:26:38,101 ( sighs ) 546 00:26:38,168 --> 00:26:39,834 if you don't come back to me, 547 00:26:39,901 --> 00:26:42,834 please, never play me this tape. 548 00:26:56,300 --> 00:26:57,667 ( groans ) 549 00:26:58,801 --> 00:27:00,567 oh, well... 550 00:27:01,667 --> 00:27:04,333 Why not, i suppose. 551 00:27:15,433 --> 00:27:18,467 Sorry, mate. Got a bit lost. 552 00:27:18,534 --> 00:27:20,600 We've been in the kitchen. 553 00:27:20,667 --> 00:27:22,734 Naked women. 554 00:27:22,801 --> 00:27:24,667 Mind if we crash here? 555 00:27:24,734 --> 00:27:26,534 Whatever. 556 00:27:27,767 --> 00:27:30,433 ( kissing noises ) 557 00:27:35,767 --> 00:27:38,667 ( moans ) 558 00:27:45,967 --> 00:27:48,734 ( moaning ) 559 00:27:56,268 --> 00:27:58,134 ( telephone rings ) 560 00:27:59,268 --> 00:28:01,400 ( rings ) 561 00:28:02,634 --> 00:28:04,268 ( rings ) 562 00:28:05,567 --> 00:28:07,101 ( rings ) 563 00:28:08,834 --> 00:28:10,667 hi, this is Steve, leave a message. 564 00:28:10,734 --> 00:28:13,801 I, Steve, it's Jane. 565 00:28:13,867 --> 00:28:16,500 Aah!!! 566 00:28:19,567 --> 00:28:21,500 I'm sorry. 567 00:28:21,567 --> 00:28:24,101 I'll be fine. 568 00:28:24,168 --> 00:28:26,600 It's Jane's voice. 569 00:28:26,667 --> 00:28:28,801 Doesn't it set your teeth on edge? 570 00:28:30,834 --> 00:28:32,801 It will now. 571 00:28:37,134 --> 00:28:39,967 * if you can't make your mind up * 572 00:28:40,034 --> 00:28:42,300 * we'll never * 573 00:28:42,367 --> 00:28:45,268 * get started * 574 00:28:46,467 --> 00:28:48,934 * and i don't want to wind up * 575 00:28:49,001 --> 00:28:54,834 * being parted, broken-hearted * 576 00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:58,134 * so, if you really love me * 577 00:28:58,201 --> 00:29:00,067 * say yes * 578 00:29:00,134 --> 00:29:02,634 * and please don't tell me * 579 00:29:02,700 --> 00:29:03,634 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *