1 00:00:08,334 --> 00:00:11,834 * you won't admit you love me * 2 00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:13,501 * and so * 3 00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:16,133 * how am i ever * 4 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:17,934 * to know? * 5 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:20,734 * you always tell me * 6 00:00:20,801 --> 00:00:23,868 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps * 7 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:26,334 * perhaps * 8 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,567 * perhaps * 9 00:00:29,734 --> 00:00:31,334 * perhaps * 10 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:38,067 are you two absolutely certain you're not pregnant? 11 00:00:39,567 --> 00:00:42,968 You know, we've got to develop a new form of greeting. 12 00:00:47,734 --> 00:00:49,834 You're not. Are you sure? 13 00:00:49,901 --> 00:00:51,400 Sally, deep breath. 14 00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:53,267 If you stare long enough at that window, 15 00:00:53,334 --> 00:00:54,634 you can make a blue line appear. 16 00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:57,701 Yeah. I think that's how i prefer to do it. 17 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,968 Test-wise, Jane, you'd be skipping a vital step. 18 00:01:01,033 --> 00:01:03,534 Well, aren't you mrs. Knowledgeable all of a sudden. 19 00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,434 Are you and Steve trying for a baby? 20 00:01:06,501 --> 00:01:09,367 I just know you're supposed to pee on the end. 21 00:01:09,434 --> 00:01:11,801 What--for luck? 22 00:01:11,868 --> 00:01:14,133 I'm talking about the test, Jane. 23 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,067 Okay. 24 00:01:16,133 --> 00:01:18,667 You know what happens now? You do another test? 25 00:01:18,734 --> 00:01:21,234 Could have been faulty. It can happen. 26 00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:23,400 And i do think there's a hint of a line there. 27 00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:26,667 Go for it. 28 00:01:26,734 --> 00:01:28,334 This time i need your help. 29 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:31,534 The mind reels in a number of unpleasant directions. 30 00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,467 If you two are sure you're not pregnant, 31 00:01:33,534 --> 00:01:36,000 you can be my control tests. 32 00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:38,634 Is this really necessary? 33 00:01:38,701 --> 00:01:40,267 Come on, please. It could be fun. 34 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,501 On the other hand, it could be peeing on a stick. 35 00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:44,667 Frankly, there's a built-in fun limit. 36 00:01:44,734 --> 00:01:45,934 Exactly. 37 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:48,767 There isn't even room to write your name. 38 00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:54,501 Sally: Are you guys done yet? 39 00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,267 There you go. Thank you, Susan. 40 00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:02,801 Jane? 41 00:02:02,868 --> 00:02:05,300 There isn't even room to write your initials. 42 00:02:05,367 --> 00:02:07,200 Jane, please. 43 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:10,701 It just feels so impersonal. 44 00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:12,167 How long does it take? 45 00:02:12,234 --> 00:02:14,100 Generally under a minute. 46 00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:17,100 You just know so much about this. 47 00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:19,100 It's like you're suddenly earth mother, 48 00:02:19,167 --> 00:02:20,667 without the breasts. 49 00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:24,067 I'm glad you're the one with the breasts, Jane. 50 00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,868 I'd hate anyone to get us mixed up. 51 00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:29,300 Do people really call me "the one with breasts"? 52 00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:30,767 Absolutely. 53 00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:32,567 What do they call you? 54 00:02:32,634 --> 00:02:34,634 Susan. 55 00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:37,267 ( Sally shrieks ) Sally, what's happened? 56 00:02:37,334 --> 00:02:38,601 Sally: Blue line! 57 00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:40,734 Absolutely, definitely blue line! 58 00:02:40,801 --> 00:02:42,501 Blue line baby alert! Oh, my God! 59 00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:44,601 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 60 00:02:44,667 --> 00:02:46,601 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 61 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,100 Is it a boy or a girl? 62 00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:51,234 Kind of early days, Jane. 63 00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:54,100 It's so blue and liney! 64 00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:55,834 It's really liney! 65 00:02:55,901 --> 00:02:58,968 It's like a whole blue line of blue lineyness! 66 00:02:59,033 --> 00:03:01,300 Let me look at it. I'm sure it's not-- 67 00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:04,434 oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 68 00:03:04,501 --> 00:03:06,067 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 69 00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:07,534 Which one's mine? Can i see mine? 70 00:03:07,601 --> 00:03:09,400 One of those two. Which one? 71 00:03:09,467 --> 00:03:10,968 I don't know. 72 00:03:11,033 --> 00:03:12,334 My God, Susan. Oh, my God. 73 00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:13,601 You don't know? 74 00:03:13,667 --> 00:03:15,734 Does it matter? I'm the one who's pregnant. 75 00:03:15,801 --> 00:03:17,400 Susan, what am i going to do? 76 00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:19,300 I'm sorry-- you don't know? 77 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,267 Will you two shut up about your tests? 78 00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:22,801 I'm going to have a baby! 79 00:03:22,868 --> 00:03:23,934 Sally-- 80 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,300 a bald, noisy thing with eyes 81 00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,601 is going to climb out of my genitals 82 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:29,968 and destroy my life! 83 00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:32,167 And my mother is going to side with it! 84 00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:34,534 Sally, just as a matter of interest, 85 00:03:34,601 --> 00:03:36,334 you are certain this is your test? 86 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,567 Of course I'm certain. 87 00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,701 Good. Right. 88 00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:42,400 Look--it's got a blue line on it. 89 00:03:42,467 --> 00:03:45,167 How do you know the one with the blue line on it is yours? 90 00:03:45,234 --> 00:03:47,968 Because I'm pregnant, you fool! 91 00:03:48,033 --> 00:03:50,434 And just supposing you weren't the one who was pregnant? 92 00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:53,434 Then this wouldn't be my test, would it? 93 00:03:55,367 --> 00:03:56,667 Right. 94 00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,234 Yes. 95 00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:00,567 Funny thing, actually. In fact-- 96 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,434 you see, i had all three tests 97 00:04:05,501 --> 00:04:06,901 in my hand, 98 00:04:06,968 --> 00:04:09,868 and i was really keen to find out the terrible truth, 99 00:04:09,934 --> 00:04:13,767 and i was surrounded by the whole mad cubicle-- 100 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:15,267 Sally. 101 00:04:18,801 --> 00:04:20,667 Anyone ready to go again yet? 102 00:04:31,934 --> 00:04:34,734 I suppose we need to find an all-night chemist. 103 00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:36,033 Yeah, i suppose. 104 00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:39,133 And potentially some kind of... 105 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,300 Father? 106 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,868 Yeah. 107 00:04:41,934 --> 00:04:42,901 Shit. 108 00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,000 What? 109 00:04:45,167 --> 00:04:47,601 Susan? 110 00:04:47,667 --> 00:04:50,868 Only fair to tell you-- one of you guys is pregnant. 111 00:04:50,934 --> 00:04:53,334 It's not me. You don't know that. 112 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,200 Yeah, 'cause even if you've had your period-- 113 00:04:55,267 --> 00:04:57,734 you don't understand. It can't be me. 114 00:04:57,801 --> 00:04:59,200 What do you mean, "can't"? 115 00:04:59,267 --> 00:05:01,234 I mean, Steve and i can't. 116 00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:05,033 So...something's...wrong? 117 00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,000 Clearly. 118 00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:09,367 You have been trying, then? 119 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,501 We never really got round to organizing a wedding. 120 00:05:12,567 --> 00:05:15,534 Thought maybe a whole human being would be easier. 121 00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:17,367 So we had the conversation. 122 00:05:17,434 --> 00:05:18,667 The conversation? 123 00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:20,801 You know, the baby conversation. 124 00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:26,133 Susan, do we do anything about birth control? 125 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:28,200 Don't worry about it. 126 00:05:28,267 --> 00:05:30,067 Okay. 127 00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,267 A few months later, we went to see someone. 128 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,133 Just to get ourselves checked out. 129 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,267 If you're gonna marry someone, 130 00:05:38,334 --> 00:05:40,334 you want to make sure everything's in... 131 00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,000 Working order. 132 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,901 Man: So, how long have you been trying? 133 00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:47,534 We haven't, really. Six months. 134 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:53,067 So we got ourselves checked out properly. 135 00:05:53,133 --> 00:05:55,701 You mean you went to one of those places 136 00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,367 where men go into-- 137 00:05:57,434 --> 00:05:59,400 into a cup, yeah. 138 00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:02,100 I had a dream about one of those places. 139 00:06:02,167 --> 00:06:03,634 Oh, I'm sure you did. 140 00:06:03,701 --> 00:06:06,033 All the storage vats exploded, 141 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,634 and it was up to me to save the town. 142 00:06:11,801 --> 00:06:14,367 Anyway... 143 00:06:14,434 --> 00:06:17,300 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm looking for Steve Taylor. 144 00:06:19,534 --> 00:06:21,234 Ha ha ha ha! 145 00:06:21,300 --> 00:06:23,968 Steve Taylor. Is he here? 146 00:06:24,033 --> 00:06:28,200 Um, cubicle eight. Ha ha ha ha ha! 147 00:06:29,567 --> 00:06:31,167 Is there a problem? 148 00:06:31,234 --> 00:06:34,434 No! No! Ha ha ha! 149 00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:42,634 Steve. 150 00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:45,968 Hello, darling. 151 00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:47,067 Hello. 152 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,467 Something wrong? 153 00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:51,667 You've been in there for an hour and a half! 154 00:06:51,734 --> 00:06:54,300 About that, yeah. 155 00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:56,300 About that. 156 00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:58,467 How did you know that? 157 00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,033 Steve, they phoned me. 158 00:07:02,534 --> 00:07:04,133 Oh. 159 00:07:05,667 --> 00:07:07,501 So... 160 00:07:07,567 --> 00:07:09,167 How's it going? 161 00:07:09,234 --> 00:07:12,601 Well, you know-- early days. 162 00:07:15,167 --> 00:07:16,601 Early days. 163 00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,634 How quickly do you think i can do this? 164 00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:21,667 No offense, darling, but really quite quickly. 165 00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,667 Well, I've gotta... Get in the mood. 166 00:07:24,734 --> 00:07:27,000 What, there's a particular mood for this? 167 00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:29,501 Of course there's a mood! 168 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:32,334 Okay, well, maybe i can help. 169 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,100 Um... 170 00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:37,334 Darling, I'm just stepping out to the shops for an hour. 171 00:07:39,267 --> 00:07:42,367 And i don't like the porn. You what?! 172 00:07:42,434 --> 00:07:44,801 They've got porn here. I don't like it. 173 00:07:44,868 --> 00:07:46,334 It's got blokes in it. 174 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,400 I'm against blokes in porn, there should be only women. 175 00:07:49,467 --> 00:07:51,200 Possibly with some women friends, or-- 176 00:07:51,267 --> 00:07:53,501 oh, God, not the lesbian thing again! 177 00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:54,501 Once and for all, 178 00:07:54,567 --> 00:07:56,567 what is so special about lesbians? 179 00:07:56,634 --> 00:08:00,267 Lesbians are porn efficient. 180 00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:05,200 It's sex with a greater density of women. 181 00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,067 Porn-wise, 182 00:08:07,133 --> 00:08:09,868 lesbians are like a jam sandwich without the sandwich 183 00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,501 and just the jam. 184 00:08:11,567 --> 00:08:15,067 In fact, lesbians are just a big blob of jam. 185 00:08:16,167 --> 00:08:17,701 Well, not actually. 186 00:08:17,767 --> 00:08:22,434 Unless they've exploded in all the lesbonic excitement. 187 00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:24,734 Geoff-- 188 00:08:24,801 --> 00:08:27,267 also, in bloke-driven porn, you run the risk 189 00:08:27,334 --> 00:08:30,400 of potentially dangerous eye slippage. 190 00:08:30,467 --> 00:08:32,701 Eye slippage? 191 00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:35,667 If, in the climactic seconds, 192 00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:37,767 your eye slips from the girl to the bloke, 193 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:41,100 the sudden shock can cause a whiplash event. 194 00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:42,601 And trust me, 195 00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:46,267 lower whiplash is not an injury you want to have to explain 196 00:08:46,334 --> 00:08:48,234 while you're being stretchered out 197 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:51,367 through your mother's coffee morning. 198 00:08:51,434 --> 00:08:54,167 Obviously Geoff's more than averagely acquainted 199 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,801 with some of these issues. 200 00:08:55,868 --> 00:08:58,601 Steve, Geoff is more than averagely here. 201 00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:02,934 I had to send out for more suitable... Material. 202 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,434 You sent out? 203 00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:08,534 Well, they don't have any kind of porn menu here. 204 00:09:08,601 --> 00:09:11,100 I don't even think they knew what i meant. 205 00:09:15,634 --> 00:09:17,934 That's your pillow. 206 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:22,434 Yes. 207 00:09:23,901 --> 00:09:26,767 No, i mean your pillow. From your bed at home. 208 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:29,300 Yeah, i got Geoff to get that, too. 209 00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:32,834 It's my favorite pillow. I always use this pillow. 210 00:09:37,367 --> 00:09:39,067 What do you do with it? 211 00:09:39,133 --> 00:09:41,033 Nothing, it's just for my head. 212 00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,634 His main head. 213 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,701 Thank you for the clarification, Geoff. 214 00:09:47,767 --> 00:09:49,067 Oh, Steve! 215 00:09:49,133 --> 00:09:50,734 Is something wrong, dear? 216 00:09:50,801 --> 00:09:52,267 Is something wrong? 217 00:09:52,334 --> 00:09:54,400 You've asked trained medical professionals 218 00:09:54,467 --> 00:09:55,701 for a porn menu! 219 00:09:55,767 --> 00:09:59,234 You've sent out for lesbians! And a comfort pillow! 220 00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:02,267 And if that wasn't strange and alarming enough, Geoff! 221 00:10:04,100 --> 00:10:06,701 Why didn't you just ask Patrick along while you're at it? 222 00:10:20,734 --> 00:10:24,868 Hello, Susan! What are you doing here? 223 00:10:24,934 --> 00:10:26,400 Patrick gave me a lift. 224 00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:30,400 I was maybe a little vague about what exactly went on here, 225 00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:32,334 and he got a bit excited. 226 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:36,367 Don't think I've ever seen a man look so disappointed by a cup. 227 00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:38,634 You didn't really think you got to have sex 228 00:10:38,701 --> 00:10:40,200 with one of the nurses, did you? 229 00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,501 I did. 230 00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:45,701 Patrick, you are a sad and twisted man. 231 00:10:45,767 --> 00:10:47,300 No, Susan-- 232 00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:49,534 he...did. 233 00:10:53,701 --> 00:10:55,334 No, no, no, no. 234 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,133 I just got her phone number, that's all. 235 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,033 You should have seen the look she gave him, though! 236 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:02,133 The full-on Patrick effect! 237 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,334 When Patrick walks these corridors, 238 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,767 every sperm in the building pricks up its ears-- 239 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,601 "the mothership! 240 00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:12,000 I hear the call of the mothership!" 241 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,667 That doesn't actually happen. 242 00:11:14,734 --> 00:11:17,534 A week after Sally tells you she loves you, 243 00:11:17,601 --> 00:11:19,133 and you're getting some girl's phone number! 244 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:22,534 We were talking, she's a nurse. It was automatic. 245 00:11:22,601 --> 00:11:25,534 Have you phoned Sally yet? No. 246 00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:27,133 Well, phone her soon, Patrick. 247 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,367 Or, no offense, I'll rip your throat out. 248 00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:32,801 Why is everything always so difficult with you? 249 00:11:32,868 --> 00:11:34,133 Other people just do things. 250 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:37,200 With you, everything is a major problem. 251 00:11:37,267 --> 00:11:38,834 It's not my fault. 252 00:11:38,901 --> 00:11:40,834 It's never your fault. 253 00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,167 It's this place. 254 00:11:43,234 --> 00:11:45,267 It's too wholesome. 255 00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:47,501 Look, it's wrong for masturbation. 256 00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:51,267 Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing, it-- 257 00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,067 it's a stealth activity. 258 00:11:53,133 --> 00:11:55,033 You do it on your own, in secret, 259 00:11:55,100 --> 00:11:56,834 and you lie about it afterwards. 260 00:11:56,901 --> 00:11:59,067 You feel guilt! 261 00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:01,534 It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt 262 00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:03,534 left available to a man! 263 00:12:03,601 --> 00:12:05,133 I mean, look at this place! 264 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,801 Look what the mad fools have done! 265 00:12:06,868 --> 00:12:09,567 It's an office suite for masturbation! 266 00:12:09,634 --> 00:12:11,501 There's a receptionist. 267 00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:14,634 There are no receptionists in masturbation. 268 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:17,834 Do you realize what I'm expected to do here? 269 00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:21,267 Do you understand the insanity of it? 270 00:12:21,334 --> 00:12:23,734 I am being asked to masturbate 271 00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:26,634 in a good cause. 272 00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:27,901 No. 273 00:12:27,968 --> 00:12:30,467 Susan, i implore you-- 274 00:12:30,534 --> 00:12:33,567 i implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men-- 275 00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:37,200 do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us. 276 00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:39,367 Hear, hear. Hear, hear. 277 00:12:41,334 --> 00:12:42,501 Okay. 278 00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:45,434 It'll make very little difference anyway. 279 00:12:45,501 --> 00:12:48,501 You're not the one with the problem--i am. 280 00:12:50,734 --> 00:12:52,400 What do you mean? 281 00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:53,667 What's happened? 282 00:12:53,734 --> 00:12:55,634 I had a chat with dr. Graham. 283 00:12:55,701 --> 00:12:57,267 What did he say? 284 00:12:57,334 --> 00:13:00,067 That we'd need a miracle. 285 00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:03,968 And you can't even manage a cup, apparently. 286 00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:07,000 Susan! 287 00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,167 Then there were two. 288 00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:24,267 You ready to go again yet? 289 00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,167 So, did Patrick ever phone? 290 00:13:30,234 --> 00:13:32,868 Susan, Patrick and i had our first kiss 291 00:13:32,934 --> 00:13:35,067 to the spiderman theme song. 292 00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:37,334 Some things are not meant to be. 293 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,000 He will phone, you know. Of course he will. 294 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,634 And I'll get the speech about how wonderful i am. 295 00:13:42,701 --> 00:13:44,400 Basic rule, isn't it-- 296 00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:46,334 the more wonderful you are at the start of the speech, 297 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,834 the more dumped you are at the end. 298 00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:50,734 Patrick's not the only man in the world, you know. 299 00:13:50,801 --> 00:13:52,634 My mistake. 300 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:55,334 So, could it be you, Jane? 301 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:59,367 Well, thinking about it, actually... 302 00:13:59,434 --> 00:14:01,033 It really could be. 303 00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:02,567 Really. Who? 304 00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,501 I'm guessing it's not James. 305 00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:08,067 Well, James is celibate and in Germany, 306 00:14:08,133 --> 00:14:10,534 so I've ruled him out. 307 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,167 Then who? 308 00:14:14,234 --> 00:14:16,767 A couple of weeks ago i went a bit mad. 309 00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:20,901 Well, sort of... Desperate, really. 310 00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,801 How desperate? 311 00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:29,000 ( doorbell ) 312 00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:34,968 Geoff?! 313 00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,234 I've always felt that Geoff and i 314 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:39,767 have a deep spiritual connection 315 00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:41,901 that binds us together 316 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,834 in strange and unknowable ways. 317 00:14:44,901 --> 00:14:47,534 I'd like to speak to Geoff, please. 318 00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:50,868 I am Geoff. 319 00:14:50,934 --> 00:14:52,567 Okay. 320 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,601 ( doorbell rings ) 321 00:15:01,667 --> 00:15:03,434 oh! 322 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:07,000 That's handy. 323 00:15:13,734 --> 00:15:16,934 It's good that you and i are finally having a little chat. 324 00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:18,767 Yes, great. 325 00:15:21,667 --> 00:15:24,334 I'm sure we've got a lot in common. 326 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,434 Me, too. 327 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:28,734 Ttack of the 50-foot woman. 328 00:15:28,801 --> 00:15:30,300 Yeah. 329 00:15:30,367 --> 00:15:33,167 I also enjoy feminist cinema. 330 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,133 Oh. 331 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,868 Good. 332 00:15:40,434 --> 00:15:43,300 Can i get you anything? I'm fine, actually. 333 00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:45,000 Anything at all. What have you got? 334 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,133 Four biscuits and an apple. 335 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,834 Oh. 336 00:15:50,901 --> 00:15:52,334 I've owned the apple for a while. 337 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:56,234 I think it's probably still broadly feasible. 338 00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,300 But i wouldn't want to talk it up. 339 00:15:58,367 --> 00:15:59,901 I'm fine, really. 340 00:15:59,968 --> 00:16:02,100 It's very easy to miss the apple window, isn't it? 341 00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:04,501 I get very tense around apples. 342 00:16:04,567 --> 00:16:06,234 You do? 343 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:09,501 Well, i get very tense generally. 344 00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:11,300 I think I've fallen into the trap 345 00:16:11,367 --> 00:16:13,100 of blaming fruit. 346 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,634 I think you've got a very beautiful soul. 347 00:16:20,801 --> 00:16:22,067 Yeah? 348 00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:25,167 I'm very aware of people's inner beauty. 349 00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:28,734 It's one of the most fascinating things about me. 350 00:16:30,701 --> 00:16:32,133 Inner beauty. 351 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,000 Inner beauty's very important, Geoffrey. 352 00:16:34,067 --> 00:16:36,033 So sometimes, ugly people 353 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:38,100 could be really beautiful on the inside? 354 00:16:38,167 --> 00:16:40,501 No, that never happens. 355 00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:44,601 You could have a look at the apple. 356 00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:46,701 I've ordered pizza. 357 00:16:46,767 --> 00:16:48,300 Pizza? 358 00:16:48,367 --> 00:16:49,734 Before i came. 359 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:51,467 I thought it'd be nice to come here and have lunch. 360 00:16:51,534 --> 00:16:54,434 "Lunch with Geoffrey," i thought. So i ordered pizza. 361 00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:55,834 Brilliant! You don't mind? 362 00:16:55,901 --> 00:16:57,501 No, of course not! 363 00:16:57,567 --> 00:16:59,167 People hardly ever come here for lunch. 364 00:16:59,234 --> 00:17:01,734 Well, i have! Excellent! I'm really pleased! 365 00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:03,367 I'm pleased you're pleased! I love pizza! 366 00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:06,167 Oh--would you have liked one, too? 367 00:17:11,634 --> 00:17:12,601 No. 368 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,400 No, not at all. 369 00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:18,634 I'll probably go and check out that apple, actually. 370 00:17:18,701 --> 00:17:20,434 See if it's peaked. 371 00:17:20,501 --> 00:17:22,100 I love ordering pizza. 372 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:24,634 Because you get to meet someone and have a meal, 373 00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:26,834 so it's a bit like a date. 374 00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:30,367 Except you have to pay for it and eat it on your own. 375 00:17:31,968 --> 00:17:35,634 I think ordering pizza's really good for lonely people... 376 00:17:35,701 --> 00:17:37,100 Who can't cook. 377 00:17:37,167 --> 00:17:39,367 Well, i can't cook. 378 00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,868 I can't cook, either. 379 00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:47,200 So how's Julia? 380 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,834 Julia. 381 00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:51,200 I was really surprised when you got it together with Julia. 382 00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:53,701 I'd always pegged you for-- well, you know. 383 00:17:53,767 --> 00:17:55,567 Gay? 384 00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:57,667 Dying alone. 385 00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:07,567 Uh, Julia's gone off for a bit, actually. Where? 386 00:18:07,634 --> 00:18:11,400 Well, this guy turned up--Joe-- sort of an ex. 387 00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:14,767 So she wanted to go and explore her feelings about him-- 388 00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:16,000 in bolton. 389 00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:18,534 It's been a while now, 390 00:18:18,601 --> 00:18:21,467 i think she's got quite a few feelings to work through. 391 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,267 Probably about twenty. 392 00:18:23,334 --> 00:18:28,300 Well, my James is exploring his feelings, too. In Germany. 393 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:31,834 I has this really weird dream about Julia just last night. 394 00:18:31,901 --> 00:18:34,067 Dreams are very important, Geoffrey. 395 00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:38,300 We were roaming the African plains together, 396 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,033 wild and free... 397 00:18:40,100 --> 00:18:41,400 She was a lioness, 398 00:18:41,467 --> 00:18:44,934 leaping from tree to tree and biting gazelles. 399 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,767 And Joe was a lion from a rival pride, 400 00:18:47,834 --> 00:18:49,901 and he was trying to steal her away from me. 401 00:18:49,968 --> 00:18:52,634 And i was an otter. 402 00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:57,300 Which made things quite difficult 403 00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:59,334 in the combat zone. 404 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,234 Anyway, Joe and Julia ran off together, 405 00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:03,734 and i tried to Chase after them, 406 00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:05,133 but it was really hard 407 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,033 'cause there were no rivers running that way. 408 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:10,901 The African plains are really under-rivered, pursuit-wise. 409 00:19:10,968 --> 00:19:13,334 And then, just as i was about to catch up with them 410 00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,267 by this unexpected marina, 411 00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:17,868 there was this terrible roar! 412 00:19:17,934 --> 00:19:19,734 My mother sprang from the undergrowth, 413 00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:21,234 scooped me up in her jaws, 414 00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:22,834 and carried me back to the pride. 415 00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:25,367 So your mother was a lion, too? No. 416 00:19:26,601 --> 00:19:28,567 Well, never mind being an otter-- 417 00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,801 you try being in love with a man 418 00:19:30,868 --> 00:19:32,901 who won't have sex with you because of God. 419 00:19:32,968 --> 00:19:35,701 It's not easy loving a man who's in love with God. 420 00:19:35,767 --> 00:19:40,067 It's not acceptable to dress up in a long beard and robe 421 00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:44,400 and shout, "i am the lord your God, take me now!" 422 00:19:44,467 --> 00:19:47,033 I've never seen him look so cross. 423 00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:52,334 Which was odd, because... 424 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,868 It really worked for me. 425 00:19:56,367 --> 00:19:59,701 I think I'll go and look for that apple. 426 00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,667 I'll help. I'm good at apples. 427 00:20:05,701 --> 00:20:08,667 It's all rubbish, isn't it? Rubbish? 428 00:20:08,734 --> 00:20:11,667 They're not exploring their feelings, they're leaving. 429 00:20:11,734 --> 00:20:13,567 Yeah. 430 00:20:13,634 --> 00:20:15,267 Yeah, i know. 431 00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:19,400 We don't deserve this. 432 00:20:19,467 --> 00:20:22,901 We really, really don't deserve this, Geoffrey. 433 00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:25,567 ( cell phone rings ) 434 00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:28,434 that's my mobile. 435 00:20:28,501 --> 00:20:30,567 Hang on. 436 00:20:38,467 --> 00:20:40,601 I am the lord your God. 437 00:20:40,667 --> 00:20:42,400 ( hisses ) meow! 438 00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:45,701 Sorry, Jane, I've got to go. Where?! 439 00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:47,067 That was Steve. 440 00:20:47,133 --> 00:20:48,334 He wants me to go straight to his house, 441 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:49,901 collect all his pornography, 442 00:20:49,968 --> 00:20:51,834 his favorite pillow, and some snacks, 443 00:20:51,901 --> 00:20:53,567 and meet him at this location. 444 00:20:53,634 --> 00:20:55,734 Why? 445 00:20:55,801 --> 00:20:58,067 I didn't think to ask. 446 00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:01,501 I'll see you later. 447 00:21:05,033 --> 00:21:06,701 Ohh! 448 00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:10,667 ( doorbell ) 449 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:19,067 pizza. For one. 450 00:21:22,067 --> 00:21:24,100 Let there be light. 451 00:21:27,634 --> 00:21:29,334 The pizza man? 452 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,300 On Geoff's floor? 453 00:21:31,367 --> 00:21:33,267 I know. 454 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:36,133 But I've always believed you can't get pregnant 455 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,634 if you don't really know the person. 456 00:21:38,701 --> 00:21:40,734 That's complete crap, isn't it? 457 00:21:40,801 --> 00:21:44,267 Yeah, it's pretty much crap, actually, Jane. 458 00:21:44,334 --> 00:21:46,067 Ohh, it can't be me! 459 00:21:46,133 --> 00:21:49,100 I haven't done anything to offend God recently. 460 00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:52,501 What about you? Who's your guy? 461 00:21:52,567 --> 00:21:54,234 Peter. 462 00:21:54,300 --> 00:21:55,601 Remember the one i was with 463 00:21:55,667 --> 00:21:57,934 when Patrick came to save me from the spider attack? 464 00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,934 Oh, no. Really? 465 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,968 A complete and total wanker. 466 00:22:03,033 --> 00:22:05,367 Trust me to get his one night off. 467 00:22:05,434 --> 00:22:07,334 Oh, Sally. 468 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,968 Please don't let it be me. Patrick would hate me. 469 00:22:11,033 --> 00:22:13,234 He probably hates me already, but he'd hate me double. 470 00:22:13,300 --> 00:22:17,267 So, have we got a fix on the nearest open chemist? 471 00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:18,868 Two streets away. 472 00:22:18,934 --> 00:22:20,601 ( beeping ) maybe we should-- 473 00:22:20,667 --> 00:22:22,167 text message? 474 00:22:22,234 --> 00:22:24,634 Yeah. Who from? 475 00:22:24,701 --> 00:22:27,400 Who do you think? 476 00:22:47,667 --> 00:22:48,968 Sally. 477 00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:50,701 Patrick. 478 00:22:56,067 --> 00:22:57,501 Private function? 479 00:22:57,567 --> 00:22:59,367 Yeah, there's something later. 480 00:22:59,434 --> 00:23:01,534 Oh. So it's not us, then? 481 00:23:01,601 --> 00:23:04,367 No, no. Definitely not us. 482 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:08,968 Sally... 483 00:23:09,033 --> 00:23:13,734 You are the most wonderful woman 484 00:23:13,801 --> 00:23:17,534 in the history of the entire universe. 485 00:23:17,601 --> 00:23:19,300 You're incredible. 486 00:23:19,367 --> 00:23:22,100 You've got the looks of a miss world 487 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:24,534 with the brains to match. 488 00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:29,767 You're more than a woman, you're like...a man. 489 00:23:29,834 --> 00:23:30,934 Seriously, 490 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,334 you could be a bloke anytime you wanted. 491 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,367 Obviously a bloke with some pretty serious defects, 492 00:23:35,434 --> 00:23:36,834 but who cares about that, 493 00:23:36,901 --> 00:23:39,601 I've seen you down drinks with the best of 'em. 494 00:23:39,667 --> 00:23:42,868 I wish I'd had a mother like you. 495 00:23:42,934 --> 00:23:44,801 Or a grandmother 496 00:23:44,868 --> 00:23:47,501 or any kind of... Ancestor. 497 00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:49,400 And since you said what you said, 498 00:23:49,467 --> 00:23:51,234 I've had a lot of time to think, 499 00:23:51,300 --> 00:23:54,601 but obviously that isn't always possible. 500 00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:59,234 Nonetheless, i have been able to consider your... 501 00:23:59,300 --> 00:24:02,868 Application. 502 00:24:02,934 --> 00:24:05,834 And, and this is the point, this is the important point-- 503 00:24:05,901 --> 00:24:08,934 Sally, you need someone good enough for you. 504 00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,434 You don't want some mutton-headed city boy 505 00:24:12,501 --> 00:24:14,167 who spends all his time thinking about his cars 506 00:24:14,234 --> 00:24:15,567 and his golf clubs. 507 00:24:15,634 --> 00:24:17,601 You want someone who can love you 508 00:24:17,667 --> 00:24:19,701 the way you deserve to be loved, 509 00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:21,400 the way i want you to be loved. 510 00:24:21,467 --> 00:24:27,467 Sally, you need someone who will love you forever-- 511 00:24:27,534 --> 00:24:29,334 properly. 512 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,434 You're my friend, Sally, 513 00:24:31,501 --> 00:24:34,501 and i want to see you with the best. 514 00:24:34,567 --> 00:24:37,501 You need mr. Amazing, 515 00:24:37,567 --> 00:24:41,234 mr. Incredibly, superbly... 516 00:24:41,300 --> 00:24:43,968 Fantastickness. 517 00:24:45,968 --> 00:24:48,000 And in your heart, 518 00:24:48,067 --> 00:24:50,634 I'm sure you know I'm right. 519 00:24:54,167 --> 00:24:58,133 I don't want mr. Superbly, incredibly fantastickness, 520 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,067 you stupid, stupid ass. 521 00:25:02,534 --> 00:25:04,601 I want you. 522 00:25:04,667 --> 00:25:07,067 Oh, for God's sake, Sally. 523 00:25:08,267 --> 00:25:10,367 What? 524 00:25:10,434 --> 00:25:11,667 What?! 525 00:25:11,734 --> 00:25:15,667 I was talking about me! 526 00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:22,067 So-- 527 00:25:22,133 --> 00:25:25,334 you're mr. Superbly, incredibly whatever?! 528 00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,801 Well, yes! 529 00:25:31,067 --> 00:25:32,801 You... 530 00:25:32,868 --> 00:25:34,501 Love me? 531 00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:39,167 Remember this? 532 00:25:39,234 --> 00:25:41,167 ( sound system plays ) 533 00:25:41,234 --> 00:25:43,267 * spiderman, spiderman * 534 00:25:43,334 --> 00:25:45,467 * does wherever a spider can * 535 00:25:45,534 --> 00:25:47,801 * spins a Web, any size * 536 00:25:47,868 --> 00:25:50,133 * catches thieves just like flies * 537 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,934 * look out, here comes spiderman * 538 00:25:54,667 --> 00:25:56,968 oh, my God! 539 00:25:57,033 --> 00:25:59,334 I thought it might help set the mood. 540 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,534 You said the private function wasn't us! 541 00:26:02,601 --> 00:26:04,667 A clever lie. 542 00:26:07,133 --> 00:26:08,868 I'd just like it to be recorded 543 00:26:08,934 --> 00:26:10,868 i was against the costume part. 544 00:26:10,934 --> 00:26:12,434 I wasn't! 545 00:26:13,767 --> 00:26:15,734 I'm also against the dancing. 546 00:26:15,801 --> 00:26:17,501 I invented this dance! 547 00:26:19,067 --> 00:26:21,234 He wrote it down. I did! 548 00:26:21,300 --> 00:26:23,701 He's planning to present you with the early sketches. 549 00:26:25,701 --> 00:26:27,968 Come on, Steve, you know you want to! 550 00:26:28,033 --> 00:26:30,334 This is a romantic moment, Geoff, 551 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,767 your sudden death might kill the mood. 552 00:26:32,834 --> 00:26:35,968 Nothing in the world could kill the mood. 553 00:26:37,801 --> 00:26:39,567 I'm not pregnant! 554 00:26:41,033 --> 00:26:42,467 Look! Look at this! 555 00:26:42,534 --> 00:26:45,033 I'm absolutely 100% not pregnant! 556 00:26:45,100 --> 00:26:48,467 I have shagged and shagged and shagged, 557 00:26:48,534 --> 00:26:50,801 and all the little bastards missed! 558 00:26:50,868 --> 00:26:53,868 It's a miracle! 559 00:26:53,934 --> 00:26:56,033 I'm not pregnant! 560 00:26:57,767 --> 00:26:59,267 Hi, Jane. 561 00:26:59,334 --> 00:27:00,834 James. 562 00:27:00,901 --> 00:27:03,400 You're back from Germany. 563 00:27:04,801 --> 00:27:07,167 And I'm not pregnant. 564 00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:09,934 That's what i call chemistry. 565 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,934 Well, you've clearly been...busy. 566 00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,801 Oh, my God. 567 00:27:16,868 --> 00:27:18,300 Listen, Jane-- shh! 568 00:27:20,267 --> 00:27:21,901 Sally-- 569 00:27:23,033 --> 00:27:25,434 Sally, what's wrong? 570 00:27:25,501 --> 00:27:27,567 Sally, no--don't. 571 00:27:28,601 --> 00:27:30,634 I'm pregnant. 572 00:27:30,701 --> 00:27:32,901 ( chuckling ) no, you're not. 573 00:27:32,968 --> 00:27:35,067 Yes, i am. 574 00:27:35,133 --> 00:27:37,734 No, you're not. 575 00:27:40,634 --> 00:27:42,701 I am Sally Harper. 576 00:27:42,767 --> 00:27:44,534 There is nothing in this world 577 00:27:44,601 --> 00:27:47,434 so good that i can't screw it up. 578 00:27:47,501 --> 00:27:50,100 So let me assure you, Patrick... 579 00:27:50,167 --> 00:27:52,267 Darling... 580 00:27:52,334 --> 00:27:54,267 Yes, i am. 581 00:27:57,467 --> 00:27:59,767 Susan: No, you're not. 582 00:28:01,801 --> 00:28:04,133 It's me. 583 00:28:08,501 --> 00:28:09,834 Wha-- 584 00:28:11,300 --> 00:28:13,367 h-h-how? 585 00:28:13,434 --> 00:28:15,033 W-who? 586 00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:17,734 Wh-what? 587 00:28:19,200 --> 00:28:20,968 Hippo! 588 00:28:25,033 --> 00:28:26,934 Time's up, Steve. 589 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:31,300 I think it's someone else's turn to be a child. 590 00:28:38,534 --> 00:28:41,534 * if you can't make your mind up * 591 00:28:41,601 --> 00:28:43,834 * we'll never * 592 00:28:43,901 --> 00:28:46,067 * get started * 593 00:28:47,634 --> 00:28:50,467 * and i don't want to wind up * 594 00:28:50,534 --> 00:28:52,734 * being parted * 595 00:28:52,801 --> 00:28:55,200 * brokenhearted * 596 00:28:56,501 --> 00:28:59,701 * so if you really love me * 597 00:28:59,767 --> 00:29:01,501 * say yes * 598 00:29:01,567 --> 00:29:04,300 * and please don't tell me * 599 00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:07,133 * perhaps, perhaps, perhaps *