1 00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:04,867 **... 2 00:00:14,134 --> 00:00:15,334 Woman: Steve. 3 00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:18,368 Steve. 4 00:00:18,368 --> 00:00:20,234 I'm back. 5 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,834 Back? 6 00:00:22,834 --> 00:00:26,500 I've made some changes, Steve, but... 7 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:29,401 At last, I'm back from lesbos. 8 00:00:29,401 --> 00:00:32,734 I don't know anyone from lesbos. 9 00:00:34,101 --> 00:00:36,234 Except...Jeff. 10 00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:44,567 These days i prefer... 11 00:00:44,567 --> 00:00:47,334 Jeffina. 12 00:00:47,334 --> 00:00:48,967 What happened? 13 00:00:50,567 --> 00:00:53,834 One night, alone on lesbos, 14 00:00:53,834 --> 00:00:56,001 i started to wonder if there was any way 15 00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:58,834 i could see a woman naked again. 16 00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:01,700 At that point, Steve, 17 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:04,067 i may have lost my sense of proportion. 18 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,600 So this is a dream, isn't it? 19 00:01:15,633 --> 00:01:18,368 Of course it's a dream, Steve. 20 00:01:19,967 --> 00:01:22,600 And you're miss hugenot! 21 00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:24,700 Our fourth year math teacher! 22 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:29,500 Well, i may have borrowed elements of her appearance. 23 00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,667 You're also pregnant. 24 00:01:31,667 --> 00:01:35,934 So was miss hugenot when she took us for maths. 25 00:01:35,934 --> 00:01:39,533 Remember she started lactating? 26 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:43,434 Magnificent, aren't they? 27 00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:46,633 Verging on balance problem. 28 00:01:48,401 --> 00:01:50,533 Steve. Yes, Jeff? 29 00:01:50,533 --> 00:01:53,267 Would you... 30 00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:54,734 Like to see them? 31 00:01:54,734 --> 00:01:57,401 Jeff. I-i don't-- 32 00:01:57,401 --> 00:02:00,267 i know what you like in a bosom. 33 00:02:00,267 --> 00:02:03,067 And i don't think my... 34 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:07,434 Magnificent, milky stallions will disappoint. 35 00:02:07,434 --> 00:02:08,767 No! 36 00:02:08,767 --> 00:02:11,734 I'm gonna be a father in a few hours! 37 00:02:11,734 --> 00:02:14,267 I refuse to dream about this. 38 00:02:15,967 --> 00:02:17,867 So... 39 00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:19,867 Not long, then. 40 00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:23,167 We'll wait together. 41 00:02:23,167 --> 00:02:25,934 Take your hand off my knee, Jeff. 42 00:02:25,934 --> 00:02:27,334 Okay. 43 00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:31,867 So, what's been going on, then? 44 00:02:31,867 --> 00:02:33,301 Oh, you know. 45 00:02:33,301 --> 00:02:36,434 Susan's pregnant, Jane's mad. 46 00:02:36,434 --> 00:02:38,667 What about Patrick and Sally? 47 00:02:38,667 --> 00:02:40,301 It was going pretty well, 48 00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:42,034 but i think they're gonna split up. 49 00:02:42,034 --> 00:02:43,267 No, really? 50 00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:47,067 Yeah. Sally found out that Patrick had slept with Jane. 51 00:02:56,001 --> 00:02:58,567 Did you sleep with Jane? 52 00:02:58,567 --> 00:03:02,267 Any alleged incident involving Jane and myself 53 00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:04,834 would have taken place long before you and i-- 54 00:03:04,834 --> 00:03:07,134 did you sleep with Jane? 55 00:03:07,134 --> 00:03:10,201 Sometimes a man is faced with the right thing to do 56 00:03:10,201 --> 00:03:11,734 and the wrong thing to do, 57 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:14,101 and he only misses by one. 58 00:03:14,101 --> 00:03:15,900 Patrick, 59 00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,900 did you sleep with Jane? 60 00:03:18,900 --> 00:03:20,468 A straight answer, please. 61 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:23,667 There's more than one way to skin a cat. 62 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:25,234 That doesn't mean anything! 63 00:03:25,234 --> 00:03:27,700 Give me a break. I'm trying to think on my feet here. 64 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:31,500 I know! It's like watching a whale knit! 65 00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:36,234 Did...you...sleep... With...Jane? 66 00:03:36,234 --> 00:03:38,834 All right. Now, before i say anything 67 00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:41,533 which may inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that, 68 00:03:41,533 --> 00:03:43,734 yes, i did. Damnit! 69 00:03:43,734 --> 00:03:46,900 And obviously you videoed her. 70 00:03:46,900 --> 00:03:47,967 Well, um... 71 00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:49,834 You videoed them all, Patrick. 72 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,401 I locked the cupboard! 73 00:03:51,401 --> 00:03:52,434 You locked it? 74 00:03:52,434 --> 00:03:54,468 And i removed the tape. 75 00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:57,434 So, in fact, you locked the tape outside of the cupboard. 76 00:04:01,101 --> 00:04:02,800 Damnit. 77 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,201 So where is it, then? 78 00:04:04,201 --> 00:04:05,967 There really is no point in this. 79 00:04:05,967 --> 00:04:08,134 I'm not so stupid I'm gonna tell you where i put it. 80 00:04:08,134 --> 00:04:09,767 And by the time you find it, 81 00:04:09,767 --> 00:04:12,167 it'll have been taped over anyway. 82 00:04:12,167 --> 00:04:14,401 Damnit! 83 00:04:14,401 --> 00:04:15,734 Thank you. 84 00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,234 So, you rushed back here, 85 00:04:19,234 --> 00:04:22,867 locked the tape outside the cupboard, put it in the vcr-- 86 00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:24,700 ohh... 87 00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,967 And forget to press "record." 88 00:04:30,834 --> 00:04:33,001 Are you sitting comfortably? 89 00:04:33,001 --> 00:04:35,700 ( doorbell ) I'll get it. 90 00:04:38,301 --> 00:04:40,700 Okay, emergency! 91 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:42,767 All systems go! Steve? 92 00:04:42,767 --> 00:04:44,301 Susan's waters have just broken, 93 00:04:44,301 --> 00:04:46,101 the airlock doors are opening, 94 00:04:46,101 --> 00:04:47,900 we are now on condition red, 95 00:04:47,900 --> 00:04:50,767 Susan's having a baby, phasers on "kill." 96 00:04:50,767 --> 00:04:52,434 So what's happening now? 97 00:04:52,434 --> 00:04:54,267 Susan and i are heading straight to the hospital, 98 00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:56,234 but Susan wanted a change of underwear 99 00:04:56,234 --> 00:04:57,533 because of the...sprayage. 100 00:04:57,533 --> 00:04:59,734 You didn't just leave her in the car, did you? 101 00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:03,167 No, no. She insisted on coming in with me. 102 00:05:03,167 --> 00:05:04,767 Damnit! 103 00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:12,167 Right, um, in you come. 104 00:05:12,167 --> 00:05:14,567 In you come. Lots to do. 105 00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:17,867 Steve, I'm not a straggler. I'm the one in labor. 106 00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:23,500 Okay, everyone, this is Susan. 107 00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:26,234 They know who i am. 108 00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:29,500 Oh, my God, Susan. How do you feel? 109 00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:31,201 I don't know what to feel. 110 00:05:31,201 --> 00:05:33,633 We're about to have a baby. This is no time for feelings! 111 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:36,900 Okay. You need underwear. 112 00:05:36,900 --> 00:05:38,967 I need really, really enormous pants. 113 00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,533 Don't worry, she's got loads. 114 00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:45,734 Let's see what I've got. 115 00:05:47,101 --> 00:05:50,234 Uh, when i say "loads," 116 00:05:50,234 --> 00:05:52,500 apparently just a few months ago, out of the blue, 117 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,767 thongs suddenly stopped being popular, and these days 118 00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,134 both: Very large knickers 119 00:05:57,134 --> 00:05:59,734 are actually much more fashionable. 120 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:00,767 Damnit! 121 00:06:00,767 --> 00:06:02,600 Right, then. Susan's changing, 122 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,633 let's check out the action. 123 00:06:04,633 --> 00:06:06,834 What action? Sally, this is insane! 124 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:10,034 It was years ago. Long before you and i-- 125 00:06:10,034 --> 00:06:11,967 so you won't mind me watching it, then. 126 00:06:11,967 --> 00:06:15,633 I don't. It's sex. It happened exactly once. You want to watch it, fine. 127 00:06:34,734 --> 00:06:37,267 Well, hello there, mr. Patrick maitland. 128 00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:41,633 T's one-thirty in the morning, and my taxi's just arrived. 129 00:06:41,633 --> 00:06:44,667 Sorry about taping over the action, 130 00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:48,633 but i thought instead of yet another tape of boring old sex 131 00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,167 in your cupboard, 132 00:06:50,167 --> 00:06:53,633 it might be useful for me to give you a bit of a critique. 133 00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,767 Et's start at the very beginning-- 134 00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:02,167 kissing and tongues. 135 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:05,468 You've certainly got one of those, haven't you? 136 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,067 The epiglottis, Patrick, 137 00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:10,134 tucked away at the back of the throat, 138 00:07:10,134 --> 00:07:12,734 is a very important organ-- 139 00:07:12,734 --> 00:07:15,468 not a goal. 140 00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:16,468 Kay? 141 00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:18,867 Now, nipples. 142 00:07:18,867 --> 00:07:20,600 Ou like those, don't you? 143 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,401 Which is great, which is lovely. 144 00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,667 They're lots of fun. 145 00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:26,667 They go in and out a bit, don't they? 146 00:07:26,667 --> 00:07:28,633 Ot a bit of extension going on there. 147 00:07:28,633 --> 00:07:30,201 He thing is, Patrick, 148 00:07:30,201 --> 00:07:32,401 though they do go in and out a bit, 149 00:07:32,401 --> 00:07:34,734 though they do extend, 150 00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:37,500 what they don't do-- and this is important-- 151 00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,934 is revolve. 152 00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:43,334 Hat's a "no" 153 00:07:43,334 --> 00:07:45,533 on revolving. 154 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,934 Quite honestly, Patrick, sometimes it's like 155 00:07:48,934 --> 00:07:51,700 you're trying to operate an etch-a-sketch. 156 00:07:51,700 --> 00:07:54,767 Susan: Okay, i think we should be heading off-- 157 00:07:54,767 --> 00:07:57,767 and so we proceed to the clitoris. 158 00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:01,533 So difficult to find, so elusive. 159 00:08:01,533 --> 00:08:04,500 You know, there's something women down the ages 160 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,034 have wanted to ask, 161 00:08:06,034 --> 00:08:08,234 and perhaps i should just ask it now. 162 00:08:08,234 --> 00:08:13,368 Just how difficult to find, just how elusive is... 163 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,700 Front and center? 164 00:08:18,201 --> 00:08:20,567 Hat's not exactly hiding. 165 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:23,301 It doesn't move, it doesn't go anywhere, 166 00:08:23,301 --> 00:08:26,234 it doesn't pop round the back in all the excitement. 167 00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:31,267 Anyway, that's about it, 168 00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:35,167 or my taxi driver will be getting a teensy bit impatient. 169 00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:36,734 Good night. 170 00:08:36,734 --> 00:08:39,101 Oh, my bag's just here. 171 00:08:49,134 --> 00:08:50,867 That went quite well, didn't it? 172 00:08:50,867 --> 00:08:53,468 I hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism. 173 00:08:53,468 --> 00:08:56,900 I mean, we have been at it for three weeks. 174 00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:07,734 You said it happened "exactly once." 175 00:09:09,500 --> 00:09:13,500 Clearly i made a flawed use of the word "exactly." 176 00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,900 I want to see the other tapes. 177 00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:19,368 I never make more than one sex tape of a woman. 178 00:09:19,368 --> 00:09:21,600 I'm not a pervert. 179 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:24,034 We really should go. 180 00:09:24,034 --> 00:09:26,034 Unlock the cupboard. I can't. 181 00:09:26,034 --> 00:09:28,633 Soon as i heard you, i locked the cupboard, threw the key out the window. 182 00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,700 The cupboard is generally kept locked, isn't it? 183 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,734 At all times. Maximum security. 184 00:09:32,734 --> 00:09:35,167 If that door is shut, that cupboard is locked. 185 00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:37,967 And what did you do to the cupboard when you heard me coming in? 186 00:09:39,101 --> 00:09:41,067 Uh, locked it. 187 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:47,134 Sally, please! 188 00:09:47,134 --> 00:09:49,101 We've got to go now, seriously! 189 00:09:49,101 --> 00:09:52,434 Susan: Okay, okay. Sally, listen! 190 00:09:52,434 --> 00:09:55,101 Don't blow this! 191 00:09:55,101 --> 00:09:57,533 Susan, come on! We're gonna miss the birth! 192 00:09:57,533 --> 00:09:58,767 Sally! 193 00:10:00,401 --> 00:10:02,700 Look, i just--ohh! 194 00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,468 That was definitely a contraction. 195 00:10:05,468 --> 00:10:09,767 No, it was easy. I can definitely handle these. 196 00:10:09,767 --> 00:10:12,401 We really should go. 197 00:10:12,401 --> 00:10:15,001 It was a piece of cake, Steve. 198 00:10:15,001 --> 00:10:17,434 And you thought i needed drugs. 199 00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:19,834 Ha ha ha! Are you feeling calmer? 200 00:10:19,834 --> 00:10:22,468 I'm totally calm. Of course I'm calm. 201 00:10:22,468 --> 00:10:26,267 Good, 'cause i think you should take over the driving now. 202 00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:30,301 Patrick: Sally! 203 00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:34,001 Aha! 204 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,767 Sally, i don't want you to look in that box. 205 00:10:36,767 --> 00:10:38,201 I know that, Patrick. 206 00:10:38,201 --> 00:10:40,234 I knew it the moment i saw the box. 207 00:10:40,234 --> 00:10:41,967 And do you want to know how? 208 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,667 Sally, put that box down and move away. 209 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,001 No. 210 00:10:58,101 --> 00:11:00,434 This is an engagement ring. 211 00:11:00,434 --> 00:11:01,600 Yes, it is. 212 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,900 An engagement ring! 213 00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:07,934 Do you have a girlfriend? 214 00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:11,633 Yes, Sally. 215 00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,301 You. 216 00:11:15,301 --> 00:11:16,633 Me?! 217 00:11:16,633 --> 00:11:18,067 Yes, you. 218 00:11:19,401 --> 00:11:22,734 Who are you proposing to, then?! 219 00:11:22,734 --> 00:11:25,267 Who do you think? 220 00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,834 I-- 221 00:11:26,834 --> 00:11:28,468 i-- 222 00:11:28,468 --> 00:11:29,700 i was waiting-- 223 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,734 i was waiting, as it happens, 224 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:34,468 for the right romantic moment. 225 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,800 Fuck. 226 00:11:46,867 --> 00:11:48,067 Fuck. 227 00:11:49,567 --> 00:11:51,567 Fuckity-fuck! 228 00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:57,900 Was that a yes? 229 00:12:01,700 --> 00:12:04,234 You know what's handy about being a bloke 230 00:12:04,234 --> 00:12:07,900 trapped in the body of a lactating female math teacher? 231 00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:10,001 Off the top of my head? 232 00:12:10,001 --> 00:12:14,167 Convenient snacking at a whole new level. 233 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,001 Oh, dear God! 234 00:12:16,001 --> 00:12:19,600 So, any time you're feeling peckish. 235 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,101 No! 236 00:12:21,101 --> 00:12:24,234 So, how's it going with Jane and oliver? 237 00:12:24,234 --> 00:12:25,834 It should go all right. 238 00:12:25,834 --> 00:12:28,500 Jane pretty much told him he was getting sex 239 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,201 and when to show up for delivery. 240 00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:33,434 So how excited was he? 241 00:12:33,434 --> 00:12:35,934 Half man, half erection. 242 00:12:42,167 --> 00:12:47,001 Oliver: He door to sexland. 243 00:12:47,001 --> 00:12:50,401 am returning to planet sex. 244 00:12:50,401 --> 00:12:52,567 , oliver Morris, 245 00:12:52,567 --> 00:12:55,301 after a gap of many, many months, 246 00:12:55,301 --> 00:12:58,734 shall once again set foot on a woman. 247 00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:02,001 Ust don't let it show it's been a while. 248 00:13:02,001 --> 00:13:04,633 On't let her see it in your eyes. 249 00:13:06,633 --> 00:13:08,468 ( doorbell ) 250 00:13:08,468 --> 00:13:11,967 ( Jane's walkman blaring ) 251 00:13:13,434 --> 00:13:15,767 ( doorbell ) 252 00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,500 ( doorbell ) 253 00:13:22,633 --> 00:13:25,500 ( doorbell ) 254 00:13:27,301 --> 00:13:30,834 oliver: Ane, i can hear you in there! An you hear me? 255 00:13:30,834 --> 00:13:32,301 ( knocks on door ) 256 00:13:32,301 --> 00:13:34,067 Jane? 257 00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:35,667 Ane! 258 00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:42,034 ( knocking on door, ringing doorbell ) 259 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:46,368 Jane! Jane!!! 260 00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:48,334 Ane! 261 00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,401 ( banging on door ) 262 00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:54,067 Jane!!! 263 00:13:56,267 --> 00:13:58,234 Ane! 264 00:14:03,934 --> 00:14:04,900 Jane! 265 00:14:05,934 --> 00:14:07,067 Jane! 266 00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:09,500 Jane! Jane! 267 00:14:10,967 --> 00:14:13,301 Jane! Jane! 268 00:14:13,301 --> 00:14:14,867 Jane! 269 00:14:21,301 --> 00:14:23,468 Jane! Jane! 270 00:14:23,468 --> 00:14:24,900 Jane! 271 00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:26,667 Jane! Jane! 272 00:14:26,667 --> 00:14:28,234 Jane! Jane! 273 00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:31,434 ( sobbing ) Jane! Jane!!! 274 00:14:32,734 --> 00:14:33,834 Jane!!! 275 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,633 Oh, oliver! 276 00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:04,134 What have i told you about being too keen? 277 00:15:04,134 --> 00:15:05,934 Too keen?! 278 00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:07,967 Too sodding keen?! 279 00:15:07,967 --> 00:15:10,834 Jane, i have been risking life and limb 280 00:15:10,834 --> 00:15:12,633 to get your attention! 281 00:15:12,633 --> 00:15:15,468 I've been balancing on your window ledges! 282 00:15:15,468 --> 00:15:19,001 I've nearly taken this door apart with my bare hands! 283 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:22,900 I've been here since seven-thirty! 284 00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:25,234 Seven-thirty, Jane! 285 00:15:25,234 --> 00:15:28,567 Oh, oliver. 286 00:15:28,567 --> 00:15:31,934 It has been a long time since you've had sex, hasn't it? 287 00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:35,167 Why do you say that? 288 00:15:36,401 --> 00:15:38,301 It's seven-thirty-five. 289 00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:43,834 ( exhales ) 290 00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,234 okay... 291 00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:47,167 Erogenous zones. 292 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,468 Don't forget about the zones. 293 00:15:49,468 --> 00:15:52,234 They like zone coverage. 294 00:15:52,234 --> 00:15:53,800 No particular order, 295 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,667 don't get hung up on the alphabetical thing. 296 00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,034 Oh, i love that! 297 00:16:15,034 --> 00:16:17,734 It's so good to know i can still make him happy. 298 00:16:17,734 --> 00:16:19,667 Okay. 299 00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:21,500 Well, now... 300 00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,468 Jane? Yes, oliver? 301 00:16:23,468 --> 00:16:26,034 Before we...proceed-- 302 00:16:26,034 --> 00:16:27,134 yes, oliver? 303 00:16:27,134 --> 00:16:30,434 What is the situation between you and Steve? 304 00:16:30,434 --> 00:16:32,334 Oh. 305 00:16:32,334 --> 00:16:35,034 That's a long and complex situation. 306 00:16:35,034 --> 00:16:37,201 We go back years, Steve and i. 307 00:16:37,201 --> 00:16:39,468 We met at a friend's funeral. 308 00:16:39,468 --> 00:16:41,934 I was sitting in the church and i saw Steve sitting on 309 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,301 the other side of the aisle 310 00:16:43,301 --> 00:16:45,500 and i thought, "mmm, that's a nice face. 311 00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,533 Must take it out for a canter." 312 00:16:47,533 --> 00:16:49,834 And we've been together ever since. 313 00:16:49,834 --> 00:16:52,134 Except you split up. 314 00:16:52,134 --> 00:16:53,767 Just 'cause you split up with someone 315 00:16:53,767 --> 00:16:55,633 doesn't mean they stop being your boyfriend. 316 00:16:55,633 --> 00:16:57,134 Yes, it does. 317 00:16:57,134 --> 00:17:00,468 You wouldn't understand. Don't worry about it. 318 00:17:00,468 --> 00:17:02,267 Maybe i should just go. 319 00:17:02,267 --> 00:17:03,334 What? 320 00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,533 If you're still hung up on Steve, 321 00:17:05,533 --> 00:17:07,134 is there really much point in this? 322 00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:09,201 There's nothing going on between me and Steve. 323 00:17:09,201 --> 00:17:10,834 It's not like that. 324 00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:12,900 Okay, Jane, all hands on deck, 325 00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:15,734 we need that vagina dilating. 326 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,167 Oh, my God! 327 00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:18,267 Oh, hi, oliver. 328 00:17:18,267 --> 00:17:19,900 How the hell did you get in here?! 329 00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:23,500 I've never been able to give my key back. She gets too upset. 330 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,700 Last time she bit my face. 331 00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:29,900 What did you mean, vagina dilating? 332 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,267 Right, here's the state-of-play update 333 00:17:32,267 --> 00:17:35,101 vis-ã€-vis the current situation. 334 00:17:35,101 --> 00:17:37,967 Why have you got a notebook? Don't touch my notebook! 335 00:17:37,967 --> 00:17:39,667 Sorry! 336 00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:42,500 Now, Susan's waters have broken, 337 00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,700 she started having contractions, 338 00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,434 but when we got to the hospital they stopped, 339 00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:48,267 so we decided to come home again 340 00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,567 and let you know what was happening on the way. 341 00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:53,301 "We"? Damnit! 342 00:17:58,500 --> 00:17:59,867 Sorry, sorry. 343 00:17:59,867 --> 00:18:03,101 There's a lot for us all to keep track of at the moment. 344 00:18:03,101 --> 00:18:05,500 'm the one having the baby! 345 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:09,167 Yes, that's right, focus on your own area. 346 00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,667 Hi, Jane. Do you mind if i have a lie-down? 347 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,667 No, of course not. 348 00:18:17,301 --> 00:18:18,900 Ohh... 349 00:18:18,900 --> 00:18:20,800 Thanks so much. 350 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,401 Oliver, could you give me your hand? My hand? 351 00:18:24,401 --> 00:18:28,101 If i have a contraction, I'd like something to squeeze. 352 00:18:28,101 --> 00:18:30,834 I'm not sure what i was expecting from this evening, 353 00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:33,301 but I'm fairly sure this isn't close. 354 00:18:33,301 --> 00:18:34,800 Oh, God! 355 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,034 You two are supposed to be having sex tonight, aren't you? 356 00:18:37,034 --> 00:18:38,667 The sex is canceled. 357 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:41,401 Sorry, sex is off the menu. 358 00:18:41,401 --> 00:18:43,067 Sorry, everyone, we were expecting 359 00:18:43,067 --> 00:18:45,201 a delivery about now, but we were let down. 360 00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:48,301 Sorry, madam, can't fix your sex life today, don't have the parts. 361 00:18:48,301 --> 00:18:50,468 Okay, forget that last one. 362 00:18:50,468 --> 00:18:52,468 So, what's the problem? 363 00:18:52,468 --> 00:18:56,067 Apart from the fact that Jane still thinks Steve's her boyfriend? 364 00:18:56,067 --> 00:19:00,234 Not in that way, oliver. That's all in the past. 365 00:19:00,234 --> 00:19:04,500 Steve and i were rubbish together. We were, weren't we? 366 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:07,434 Atal attraction meets predator. 367 00:19:07,434 --> 00:19:09,434 We had a horrible time together. 368 00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,101 Four years, never laughed. 369 00:19:11,101 --> 00:19:13,368 No laughs at all. Isn't that right? 370 00:19:13,368 --> 00:19:14,867 No laughing, that's true. 371 00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:18,067 I lost the ability to laugh. I'm not used to it anymore. 372 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,800 Half of it comes out my nose. 373 00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,967 I've got a snorty laugh. It's repulsive. 374 00:19:22,967 --> 00:19:24,600 I quite like the snorting. 375 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,468 I'll tell you something else, oliver. 376 00:19:26,468 --> 00:19:29,468 Something you should know if you're feeling insecure. 377 00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:31,468 Steve: You should listen to this, oliver. 378 00:19:31,468 --> 00:19:34,301 Jane's about to say something important, i can tell. 379 00:19:34,301 --> 00:19:36,500 Once a year she says something truthful, 380 00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:38,867 and i can tell when she's revving up to it. 381 00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,767 So, seriously, listen to this. 382 00:19:42,067 --> 00:19:45,600 I've never once had an orgasm during sex. 383 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,934 You lying cow! 384 00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:53,134 It's not your fault, Steve. I never have with anyone. 385 00:19:53,134 --> 00:19:56,301 Guys, this is really doing my head in. I should go. 386 00:19:56,301 --> 00:19:59,900 Oliver, you just stay right where you are. 387 00:19:59,900 --> 00:20:02,734 No, listen, I've got--aaah! 388 00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:05,533 Honey, I'm a woman in the middle of a contraction. 389 00:20:05,533 --> 00:20:07,267 Don't mess with me. 390 00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:09,267 The contractions have started again?! 391 00:20:09,267 --> 00:20:11,500 We'll deal with that in a moment. Are they bad? 392 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:13,667 Yes!!! 393 00:20:13,667 --> 00:20:16,734 It's fine, I'm completely coping. 394 00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:18,401 Now, oliver, listen to me. 395 00:20:18,401 --> 00:20:20,667 Look at Jane. She's beautiful. 396 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,234 She's mad, but she's very, very sexy, 397 00:20:23,234 --> 00:20:25,401 and she's never had an orgasm. 398 00:20:25,401 --> 00:20:28,334 There's your challenge, your new world to conquer. 399 00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:30,434 There's your Everest. 400 00:20:30,434 --> 00:20:32,667 Don't stop till you see the peak. 401 00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,567 What are you waiting for, oliver? 402 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,167 Mount Jane! 403 00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:42,767 S-sorry, no, that-- 404 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,267 that wasn't meant to sound like an instruction. 405 00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:49,468 ( pained ) is the contraction over yet? 406 00:20:49,468 --> 00:20:50,934 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 407 00:20:50,934 --> 00:20:54,334 Steve, phone the hospital. Tell them the contractions 408 00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:56,600 have started again and we're coming back in. 409 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:58,234 Okay. 410 00:20:58,234 --> 00:21:00,334 I'll get you a glass of water. 411 00:21:00,334 --> 00:21:02,434 ( dialing ) 412 00:21:02,434 --> 00:21:04,600 Jane. Yeah? 413 00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:07,900 Did you mean it? 414 00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,667 Did you really never have a single...you know? 415 00:21:11,667 --> 00:21:14,067 Of course i didn't mean it. 416 00:21:14,067 --> 00:21:17,067 I had tons of orgasms. 417 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,800 And i loved you to bits, 418 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,134 and i wanted to keep you forever. 419 00:21:23,134 --> 00:21:26,234 And it broke my heart when you left me for Susan. 420 00:21:28,667 --> 00:21:30,667 But I'm completely over you now. 421 00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:35,101 And I've met someone who doesn't mind my snorty laugh. 422 00:21:35,101 --> 00:21:38,067 So please... Seriously, Steve... 423 00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:39,767 Shut up. 424 00:21:39,767 --> 00:21:42,134 Go and have a baby. 425 00:21:45,201 --> 00:21:46,834 Jane. 426 00:21:46,834 --> 00:21:49,600 Are you just reassuring me? 427 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,167 Maybe. 428 00:21:51,167 --> 00:21:54,034 Or i could be reassuring oliver. 429 00:21:54,034 --> 00:21:55,567 Okay, well... 430 00:21:55,567 --> 00:21:58,834 Which one of us is being reassured? 431 00:21:58,834 --> 00:22:00,800 My boyfriend. 432 00:22:10,734 --> 00:22:12,567 Three times. 433 00:22:12,567 --> 00:22:14,134 What? 434 00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:16,267 When the contractions really hit, 435 00:22:16,267 --> 00:22:18,934 Susan wants me to ask her three times 436 00:22:18,934 --> 00:22:20,800 if she really wants pain relief. 437 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,401 What's the matter with women? 438 00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:28,034 We are... Very complex creatures. 439 00:22:29,368 --> 00:22:31,101 Well... 440 00:22:32,767 --> 00:22:35,700 Thanks for dropping by, old friend. 441 00:22:35,700 --> 00:22:38,067 I'd say "no problem," 442 00:22:38,067 --> 00:22:41,734 but, hey, I'm not really here. 443 00:22:47,434 --> 00:22:49,633 Can you feel 'em, Steve? 444 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,301 Can you feel my stallions? 445 00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:56,934 Susan: Steve? 446 00:23:02,267 --> 00:23:03,900 Hi. 447 00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:05,167 Hi. 448 00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:07,267 You're going to remember? 449 00:23:09,734 --> 00:23:11,867 I'll ask you three times. 450 00:23:17,267 --> 00:23:19,434 Are you all right? What happened? 451 00:23:19,434 --> 00:23:21,234 It's okay, don't call security. 452 00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:23,667 He just asked his girlfriend a little question. 453 00:23:23,667 --> 00:23:26,967 I also asked her if i could ask it two more times. 454 00:23:26,967 --> 00:23:28,867 She said you can't. 455 00:23:28,867 --> 00:23:31,468 Trust me, the word wasn't "can't." 456 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:37,034 ( panting ) 457 00:23:37,034 --> 00:23:38,700 darling, uh, 458 00:23:38,700 --> 00:23:40,167 i don't know if this is a good time 459 00:23:40,167 --> 00:23:42,201 to mention breathing exercises-- 460 00:23:42,201 --> 00:23:43,468 Steve. 461 00:23:43,468 --> 00:23:45,134 Yes, darling? 462 00:23:46,767 --> 00:23:51,533 Get me a fucking epidural!!! 463 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,700 ( happily ) epidural... 464 00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:01,567 What a sad, beautiful name. 465 00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:04,301 How are we doing here, then? 466 00:24:04,301 --> 00:24:07,633 Where's my lovely mr. Anesthetist? 467 00:24:07,633 --> 00:24:08,934 Hello, there. 468 00:24:08,934 --> 00:24:11,533 Hello, mr. Take-away-my-pain. 469 00:24:12,900 --> 00:24:14,700 Feeling better now? 470 00:24:14,700 --> 00:24:17,067 Better? I'd have you right here, 471 00:24:17,067 --> 00:24:19,734 but I've got someone coming the other way! 472 00:24:19,734 --> 00:24:21,600 Okay, Susan, 473 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:24,468 I'm just gonna check how you're doing below. 474 00:24:25,533 --> 00:24:27,167 Okay, fine. 475 00:24:28,434 --> 00:24:30,867 Talk me up. 476 00:24:30,867 --> 00:24:32,900 Don't mind me, please. 477 00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:38,034 Okay, I'm afraid you're still not any more dilated. 478 00:24:38,034 --> 00:24:40,034 Could have fooled me. 479 00:24:40,034 --> 00:24:43,600 Could i have a word with you outside, mr. Taylor? 480 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,667 Yeah, sure. 481 00:24:51,167 --> 00:24:53,600 I should really be taking to both of you, 482 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,934 but Susan's pretty out of it. 483 00:24:55,934 --> 00:24:59,234 The fact is, she's not making the progress she should. 484 00:24:59,234 --> 00:25:02,167 We've tried inducing her, it doesn't seem to be working. 485 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,700 We might have to consider a c-section. 486 00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:06,600 Right. 487 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,700 Now, that's a major operation, as you know. 488 00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:11,301 Yeah, sure. 489 00:25:11,301 --> 00:25:13,700 Of course, that would mean 490 00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:17,134 that there'd be no damage to anything... 491 00:25:17,134 --> 00:25:18,867 Lower? 492 00:25:18,867 --> 00:25:20,934 Well, yes, 493 00:25:20,934 --> 00:25:23,334 but we have to cut through many layers of tissue. 494 00:25:23,334 --> 00:25:25,700 It will be weeks before she fully recovers. 495 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:28,633 There'll be scarring. It's a big decision. 496 00:25:28,633 --> 00:25:30,067 Yes. 497 00:25:30,067 --> 00:25:31,934 Yes, i can see that. 498 00:25:31,934 --> 00:25:33,800 Um....okay, 499 00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:38,834 i think I'm gonna have to go and talk it over with Susan. 500 00:25:38,834 --> 00:25:40,934 Of course. Yeah. 501 00:25:47,567 --> 00:25:49,567 Steve: Darling... 502 00:25:49,567 --> 00:25:51,201 Great news! 503 00:25:53,234 --> 00:25:57,201 Steve: Rom now on, I'm just gonna tell it exactly like it was... 504 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:01,001 ..because that's all you can do. 505 00:26:02,334 --> 00:26:05,934 Hey dressed me up like a long, green tit-- 506 00:26:05,934 --> 00:26:08,900 helmet, bags over my shoes, 507 00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:11,967 daffodil up my arse if they'd have offered one. 508 00:26:11,967 --> 00:26:14,567 Nd what did i know? 509 00:26:14,567 --> 00:26:17,500 Hey put up a screen over Susan's chest 510 00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,934 so i didn't have to see them cut her open. 511 00:26:19,934 --> 00:26:21,900 Ell, it's only good manners. 512 00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:24,967 Hen i hid behind it. 513 00:26:28,134 --> 00:26:29,967 Hen a man I'd barely met 514 00:26:29,967 --> 00:26:32,834 started doing something dreadful to Susan. 515 00:26:32,834 --> 00:26:35,134 He seems to be cutting a lot. 516 00:26:35,134 --> 00:26:37,567 Do you want to check what's happening? 517 00:26:37,567 --> 00:26:40,368 Ere's the most cowardly answer 518 00:26:40,368 --> 00:26:42,633 I've ever given the woman i love. 519 00:26:42,633 --> 00:26:44,900 I'm sure they know what they're doing. 520 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:47,301 Okay. 521 00:26:47,301 --> 00:26:48,700 Can you feel anything? 522 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:51,167 Yeah, i can feel something going on, 523 00:26:51,167 --> 00:26:53,600 but...it doesn't hurt. 524 00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,633 It's a bit like being a washing machine. 525 00:26:56,633 --> 00:26:59,567 ( baby cries ) 526 00:26:59,567 --> 00:27:02,267 oh, my God! 527 00:27:02,267 --> 00:27:04,900 Steve, here's the baby! 528 00:27:10,201 --> 00:27:11,867 It's a boy. 529 00:27:15,533 --> 00:27:18,533 Hen there was a bit more cutting and snipping, 530 00:27:18,533 --> 00:27:22,600 then a red, bloody thing was being put on some scales. 531 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,500 was pretty sure i was supposed to feel something about that. 532 00:27:26,500 --> 00:27:28,667 Idn't feel a thing. 533 00:27:28,667 --> 00:27:32,567 just wanted to go home, watch a video and eat crisps. 534 00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:35,734 Mr. Taylor. Do you want to see him? 535 00:27:36,867 --> 00:27:39,567 Well? Go and look. 536 00:27:39,567 --> 00:27:41,368 Go and look at him. 537 00:27:42,867 --> 00:27:44,667 O i did. 538 00:27:44,667 --> 00:27:46,567 went and i looked. 539 00:27:46,567 --> 00:27:51,101 Nd it was red and ugly and noisy. 540 00:27:51,101 --> 00:27:54,101 Nd i didn't feel anything you're supposed to, 541 00:27:54,101 --> 00:27:55,800 nothing at all. 542 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,134 was epidural man. 543 00:27:58,134 --> 00:28:01,267 Fingers and toes-- count them. 544 00:28:03,167 --> 00:28:05,201 Yeah, he's fine. 545 00:28:05,201 --> 00:28:07,934 It all looks pretty average. 546 00:28:09,167 --> 00:28:11,267 No eyes, though. 547 00:28:14,267 --> 00:28:16,900 His eyes are shut, mr. Taylor. 548 00:28:16,900 --> 00:28:18,567 It's the light. 549 00:28:20,434 --> 00:28:23,201 O i shaded his eyes, 550 00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:26,134 and then... 551 00:28:26,134 --> 00:28:28,934 Nd then he looked at me. 552 00:28:28,934 --> 00:28:32,401 Nd, oh, my goodness, me... 553 00:28:32,401 --> 00:28:35,334 became someone else entirely. 554 00:28:39,500 --> 00:28:42,600 * if you can't make your mind up * 555 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:46,934 * we'll never get started * 556 00:28:48,434 --> 00:28:51,434 * and i don't want to wind up * 557 00:28:51,434 --> 00:28:53,767 * being parted 558 00:28:53,767 --> 00:28:56,134 * broken-hearted 559 00:28:57,434 --> 00:29:00,633 * so if you really love me 560 00:29:00,633 --> 00:29:02,533 * say yes 561 00:29:02,533 --> 00:29:05,234 * and please don't tell me * 562 00:29:05,234 --> 00:29:06,334 * perhaps 563 00:29:06,334 --> 00:29:07,468 * perhaps 564 00:29:07,468 --> 00:29:09,434 * perhaps