1 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,020 [JOHN LEGEND'S "SAVE ROOM" PLAYING] 2 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:35,409 Oh, come on 3 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:39,204 Save room for my love 4 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,917 Save room for a moment to be with me 5 00:00:44,085 --> 00:00:46,545 Save room for my love 6 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,630 Save a little 7 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,132 Save a little for me 8 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,342 Oh, I'm so full. 9 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:56,722 You were right, I shouldn't have eaten all that bread. 10 00:00:57,265 --> 00:00:59,558 Want to split a dessert? 11 00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,147 You okay? You seem a little off. 12 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:08,776 Yeah, I'm just trying to think about what I want. 13 00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:10,235 CAL: Yeah, me too. 14 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:13,822 Why don't we just say it at the same time? One, two, three... 15 00:01:13,990 --> 00:01:17,284 - I want a divorce. - Crème brûlée. 16 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,756 [MOLLY SHRIEKING] 17 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:33,175 [JESSICA BABBLING] 18 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:35,552 - You can't get away. - Aah! 19 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:36,762 [GLASS BREAKING] 20 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,180 It's okay, that's my fault. 21 00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:41,058 Come on, let's get you to bed before your parents get home. 22 00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:43,519 No puppy eyes, you little maniac. 23 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,437 Go brush your teeth. 24 00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:20,556 Aren't you gonna say anything? 25 00:02:22,058 --> 00:02:27,146 Almost 25 years of marriage and you have nothing to say? 26 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:34,153 Robbie. 27 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,572 Hey, Robbie, have you seen Molly's homework? 28 00:02:36,739 --> 00:02:38,407 ROBBIE: Get out. - Oh, my God. 29 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,284 ROBBIE: Close the door. JESSICA: Um... 30 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:45,831 Okay, Robbie, I'm really sorry, and I didn't see anything. 31 00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:50,127 [WHISPERS] Oh, my God. 32 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:55,174 You're not talking, and you know that only makes me talk more. 33 00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:58,260 But maybe that's good, you know? Because maybe I'll just say it. 34 00:02:58,428 --> 00:03:02,472 Maybe... Maybe I'll just tell you I slept with someone. 35 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,774 David Lindhagen. From work. 36 00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:15,569 - You met him at the Christmas party. - Please stop. 37 00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:18,071 The last person in the world I'd wanna hurt is you. 38 00:03:18,239 --> 00:03:19,781 If you keep talking, I'm gonna get out. 39 00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:22,576 I think the fact that I did it, it just shows how broken we are. 40 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:26,830 - Okay. - How much we really... Cal. 41 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:29,666 Oh, my God! Cal! 42 00:03:37,175 --> 00:03:38,634 Are you okay? 43 00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:44,598 I'll leave tonight. I'll sign whatever you want. Just please stop talking about it. 44 00:03:46,809 --> 00:03:48,727 Okay. 45 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,400 [CAL GRUNTS] 46 00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,539 ROBBIE [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I'm sorry you had to see that. 47 00:04:09,707 --> 00:04:11,792 No, you know, I should have knocked. 48 00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:17,673 [SIGHS] 49 00:04:19,550 --> 00:04:23,553 Just for the record, I think about you while I do it. 50 00:04:23,721 --> 00:04:25,681 - Robbie. - I have this picture of you... 51 00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:28,558 ...and I look at it the whole time. - Stop it. 52 00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:31,812 I love you, Jessica. 53 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,189 I am actually begging you to stop it. 54 00:04:34,357 --> 00:04:37,609 And I know you're 17, and I know I just turned 13... 55 00:04:37,777 --> 00:04:40,028 ...which is the same age as your little brother. 56 00:04:40,196 --> 00:04:42,322 But soon our age difference won't even matter. 57 00:04:42,490 --> 00:04:46,702 Which is good, because I'm pretty sure you're my soul mate. 58 00:04:47,036 --> 00:04:48,412 Okay, um... 59 00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:51,206 - Listen, Robbie... EMILY: We're home. 60 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,000 - Shit. - Hey. 61 00:04:53,501 --> 00:04:55,502 Hey, Mr. And Mrs. Weaver, how was...? 62 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,504 Oh, my God. Uh, what happened? 63 00:04:57,672 --> 00:05:00,632 Mrs. Weaver said she wanted a divorce, and I jumped out of the car. 64 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,926 - Cal. Honey... CAL: Well... 65 00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:05,137 - Kids good? Everybody good? ROBBIE: Dad? 66 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,806 EMILY: Oh. - Oh. Hey, I didn't see you standing there. 67 00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:09,558 - You're getting a divorce? CAL: Well, yes. 68 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,728 Uh, so, Jess, did Molly get through dinner okay? 69 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:14,146 Yeah, yeah, she's... 70 00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,316 - You jumped out of a moving car? - I jumped out of a moving car. 71 00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:19,818 EMILY: Did she fight you on broccoli? - No, she didn't. 72 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,153 She always fights me. 73 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,989 - Sorry you had to find out this way. - Sorry you jumped out of a car. 74 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,575 - I'm sorry if she fought you. - It's okay. 75 00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:27,743 I don't have any money. 76 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:29,703 Uh, sweetheart? Let's go to bed, okay? 77 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:33,373 Listen, why don't you grab your coat? I'll drive you home. All right. 78 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,710 I don't care. I love him. I really do. 79 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,254 And, given the opportunity... 80 00:05:39,922 --> 00:05:41,340 Yes, I would have his babies. 81 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:45,218 Seriously? Conan O'Brien? You would do Conan O'Brien? 82 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,636 Oh, my God, yes. 83 00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:49,639 Ew. Friend to friend, ew. 84 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,852 I don't know. Your life is so PG-13. 85 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:57,522 - My life is not PG-13. - Oh, it so is. 86 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,066 - No, it's not. LIZ: Yes, it is. 87 00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:02,736 You've never left L.A. You pass the bar, you're gonna be what, a patent lawyer? 88 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:07,074 Probably married to that human Valium, Richard. I just... 89 00:06:07,241 --> 00:06:09,242 Listen, I worry about you, is all. 90 00:06:25,259 --> 00:06:26,593 So much potential... 91 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:30,722 ...and you've resorted to fantasizing about Conan "Ginger Junk" O'Brien. 92 00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:32,933 - He's funny. - He looks like a carrot, honey. 93 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,601 JACOB: Who looks like a carrot? 94 00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:39,940 Hi. Who looks like a carrot? 95 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:42,150 Conan O'Brien. 96 00:06:42,318 --> 00:06:45,404 My friend Hannah here thinks he's sexy. 97 00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:48,240 That's weird, I think that your friend Hannah is sexy. 98 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,493 Oh, my God. You did not just say that. 99 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:52,786 How old are you? 100 00:06:52,954 --> 00:06:55,247 - What are you, a lawyer? - Yeah. A little bit. 101 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,873 JACOB: Come on. - I know. 102 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,834 - You are? Is she? - Gonna be. 103 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,628 Don't you think you're a little old to use cheesy pickup lines? 104 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:04,673 - Objection. Leading the witness. - Ha, ha. 105 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,134 You're wearing that like you're doing it a favor. 106 00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:08,927 - Oh, God. - That's a line. 107 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:13,181 Me sitting there for the past two hours not being able to take my eyes off you is fact. 108 00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:17,018 I mean, there's lots of beautiful women in this bar. Your friend included. Hi. 109 00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:18,395 I love you. 110 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:22,524 But I can't take my eyes off of you. That's a fact, it's not a line. 111 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,568 I find you very attractive. 112 00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:26,278 Do you find me attractive? 113 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,613 - She does. - I don't. 114 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,574 - Tsk. You do. She does. - Yes, she does. 115 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:32,117 - I don't. - You do. 116 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,910 - You do. - I don't. 117 00:07:34,078 --> 00:07:35,829 - Hannah, can I buy you a drink? - No. 118 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,539 - You say no a lot, don't you? - No. 119 00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:40,041 Oh, boy. Permission to approach the bench? 120 00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:41,251 HANNAH: Seriously? 121 00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:44,588 Just, come on, let me deliver my closing argument. 122 00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:46,673 Sure. Proceed. 123 00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:50,051 - Hannah, we live in a physical world, right? HANNAH: Uh-huh. 124 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:53,054 - And you're going to age, right? - Mm-hm. 125 00:07:53,222 --> 00:07:54,306 JACOB: I guarantee you this: 126 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:58,143 You're never gonna regret going home with that guy from the bar that one time... 127 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,145 ...that was a total tomcat in the sack. 128 00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,190 But I can't guarantee that you won't not regret it. 129 00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:06,443 - That was a double negative. - You're a double negative. 130 00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:09,738 Okay. Hannah, can I buy you a drink? 131 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,741 Okay. You know what? It's time to go home. 132 00:08:12,909 --> 00:08:13,950 JACOB: Really? - Mm-hm. 133 00:08:14,118 --> 00:08:16,119 JACOB: That's forward of you, but okay. I'll do it. 134 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:17,954 HANNAH: I TiVoed Saw III. 135 00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:21,041 So should I get my car or yours? Should I pull the car around? 136 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:22,542 You been drinking? I'll drive. 137 00:08:22,710 --> 00:08:25,378 - Liz? LIZ: Coming. 138 00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:51,655 [SIGHS] 139 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,541 - I'll have to call Nanna. - Huh? 140 00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,793 Oh. Noth... 141 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,545 [CLEARS THROAT] 142 00:09:10,841 --> 00:09:13,134 So Stanford, huh? 143 00:09:14,345 --> 00:09:17,889 Good for you. That's great. I know your dad's really proud. 144 00:09:18,057 --> 00:09:20,433 Yeah. Yeah, he's... 145 00:09:21,477 --> 00:09:25,522 - Are you sure you're okay? - David Lindhagen, God. 146 00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:34,322 Okay. 147 00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:35,991 [SIGHS] 148 00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,666 CAL: I'm sorry. Sorry about that. 149 00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:47,085 It's okay. 150 00:09:48,045 --> 00:09:49,170 Um... 151 00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,841 - Mr. Weaver? - Hmm? 152 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,050 Um... 153 00:09:55,011 --> 00:10:00,432 You're the nicest dad that I babysit... 154 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:02,684 Of all the, um... 155 00:10:03,185 --> 00:10:04,394 You're really nice. 156 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,938 - That's very nice. - And, um... 157 00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:12,193 ...I like Ms. Weaver, I like her a lot. Okay? 158 00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:16,197 But if she wants to divorce you... 159 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:18,450 ...then I think she's batshit crazy. 160 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:19,659 Mm. 161 00:10:19,827 --> 00:10:23,496 - Sorry. - Okay. Okay. 162 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:27,459 I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable. 163 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,712 - I've developed, like, a little crush... - Could you do me a favor? 164 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:36,384 Would you not mention to your parents that Mrs. Weaver and I are, you know... 165 00:10:36,552 --> 00:10:39,554 It's something we wanna tell them on our own, okay? 166 00:10:40,097 --> 00:10:41,556 Yeah. 167 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:44,392 Thank you, I appreciate that. 168 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:45,685 Have a good night. 169 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:58,073 [GRAM RABBIT'S "LOST IN PLACE" PLAYING] 170 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,033 See you soon 171 00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,832 BARTENDER: Another vodka cranberry? 172 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,250 I'm sorry. What? 173 00:11:09,418 --> 00:11:12,253 BARTENDER: Another vodka cranberry? - Oh, yeah. Yes, thanks. 174 00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:15,215 It's no surprise 175 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:18,551 I've been by this place a million times, never come in. 176 00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,387 It's nice, lot of pretty girls. 177 00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:22,806 Nowhere 178 00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:24,724 This is my life 179 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:30,063 - Hey, guess what. - What? 180 00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,942 My wife is having intercourse with someone who is not me. 181 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:36,945 Um, I'm sorry to hear that. 182 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:42,283 Oh. Thank you. That is very nice of you to say. Very, very nice. 183 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:43,451 [SCOFFS] 184 00:11:43,619 --> 00:11:47,747 She just told me. I just found out, so I'm a little raw. It's... 185 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,041 Ah, okay. Well, you're not listening. 186 00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:51,459 [SCOFFS] 187 00:11:51,627 --> 00:11:54,045 Okay. 188 00:11:55,172 --> 00:11:58,758 You wouldn't ignore me if I were David Lindhagen. 189 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:03,304 My wife doesn't ignore David Lindhagen. 190 00:12:03,472 --> 00:12:05,432 She screws him. 191 00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:08,643 Screws him. 192 00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:10,061 [WOMAN LAUGHING] 193 00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,564 They make this, like, gurgling sound, it's like: 194 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,399 [JACOB GURGLING] 195 00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,236 Gay. 196 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,452 - Hey, Cal. CAL: Hey. 197 00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,245 BOSS: Hey. 198 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,875 Oh, I just, uh... I got the report on the end-of-year financials. 199 00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:35,044 - Good. Good, good. Really great. - Oh, good. 200 00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:36,963 You killed this quarter. 201 00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,339 Okay. 202 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,091 BOSS: Cal, seriously. - All right. 203 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,178 - Okay. BOSS: Seriously. 204 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:46,723 Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced? 205 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:49,768 - You're getting a divorce? - Yeah. 206 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,771 [CHUCKLES] 207 00:12:53,355 --> 00:12:56,441 Amy heard you crying in the bathroom. We all thought it was cancer. 208 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,818 - Oh. - Thank God, man. Ha-ha-ha. 209 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:00,320 Yeah, just my relationship. 210 00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:03,072 [BOTH LAUGHING] 211 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,366 - Thank God. - Oh... 212 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,618 Divorce. 213 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,328 [BOSS LAUGHING] 214 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,205 - I'm so lucky. - You are. 215 00:13:10,372 --> 00:13:14,459 - I have to go pick out furniture now. BOSS: Okay, okay. You go for it. 216 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,002 [BOSS LAUGHS] 217 00:13:17,546 --> 00:13:19,339 It could have been cancer, buddy. 218 00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,925 Hey, everyone, it's just a divorce. 219 00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:23,384 MAN: All right, buddy. 220 00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:26,012 Thanks. Feels good. 221 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,557 [TRUCK DOOR CLOSES] 222 00:13:29,725 --> 00:13:30,809 [CAL SIGHS] 223 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:45,824 Cal? I just wanted to say... 224 00:13:45,991 --> 00:13:47,492 Shit. 225 00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:54,249 Can I back that thing out of the driveway for you? 226 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:57,210 - Oh, no. I'll be fine. - You have trouble in reverse, is all. 227 00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:02,048 When I get settled, the kids can come and take a look at my new place. 228 00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:07,929 I think I'm having a midlife crisis, maybe. 229 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,765 Can women have midlife crises? 230 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:15,061 In the movies it's always men having them and buying ridiculous yellow Porsches... 231 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,771 ...but, you know, I'm not a man. 232 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,314 Be sure to fertilize all this. 233 00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:23,236 We got married so young, Cal. And now I'm 44. 234 00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:25,864 And it's so much older than I thought I'd be. 235 00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:28,658 There's a turnoff valve for the sprinklers over there. 236 00:14:28,826 --> 00:14:31,327 Last week, when I told you that I had to work late... 237 00:14:31,495 --> 00:14:34,038 ...I went to see the new Twilight movie by myself. 238 00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:37,458 I don't know why I did that. 239 00:14:37,626 --> 00:14:39,460 And it was so bad, Cal. 240 00:14:39,628 --> 00:14:42,755 It keeps raining, you might wanna turn off the automatic setting. 241 00:14:42,923 --> 00:14:46,551 And we haven't been us. Not for a long time. 242 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,846 And I don't know when you and I stopped being us. 243 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,639 I mean, do you? 244 00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,601 Maybe it's when you screwed David Lindhagen. 245 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,402 [ENGINE STARTS] 246 00:15:19,126 --> 00:15:21,044 [LATE NIGHT ALUMNI'S "YOU CAN BE THE ONE" PLAYING] 247 00:15:21,211 --> 00:15:23,171 Nobody wants to be alone 248 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:26,341 [ALL CHATTERING] 249 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:31,638 The heart beats happy when it has a place 250 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:38,853 And if it doesn't have a home 251 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:47,028 It can come into my space 252 00:15:48,155 --> 00:15:52,033 So you can be the one I love 253 00:15:52,201 --> 00:15:55,828 I can be the one you long for 254 00:15:55,996 --> 00:15:59,874 You can be the one I want 255 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,251 Hey. 256 00:16:02,544 --> 00:16:04,587 Sorry I'm late, I had to pick something up at Macy's. 257 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:07,048 CAL: Oh. Don't even worry about it. - A chardonnay. 258 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,591 I'm just glad you're here. 259 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:10,259 [CAL SIGHS] 260 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:11,636 Wow. 261 00:16:12,554 --> 00:16:16,099 I don't know. I don't know what happened. Tough couple of days. 262 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:21,312 You know when you don't see something coming... 263 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:24,065 Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore. 264 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,566 What? 265 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,403 She said we had to choose between you and Emily. 266 00:16:28,570 --> 00:16:30,989 I chose you. 267 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:33,241 But she said no. 268 00:16:37,454 --> 00:16:39,205 It's cologne. 269 00:16:41,458 --> 00:16:43,042 Bernie? 270 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:48,006 - Are you breaking up with me, Bernie? - There's a gift receipt in there also. 271 00:16:48,882 --> 00:16:50,008 CAL: Bernie? 272 00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:52,844 Bernie. Bernie. 273 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,764 I can be the one you long for 274 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,808 You can be the one 275 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,394 [THIEVERY CORPORATION'S "THE HEART'S A LONELY HUNTER" PLAYING] 276 00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,480 CAL: You know a word that is not used very often anymore? 277 00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,149 "Cuckold." 278 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,942 I'm a cuckold. 279 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:12,238 David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. 280 00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,782 He slept with my wife. 281 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,367 And I didn't know about it. 282 00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,163 And that is the definition of cuckoldom. 283 00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:23,958 David Lindhagen took my wife and slept with her. 284 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,418 [CAL GROANS] 285 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:30,006 Thought I did everything right. Got married, had kids, the house. 286 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:33,134 What do I get for it? I get cuckolded. 287 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:37,638 David Lindhagen cuckolded me. He made a cuckold out of me. 288 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:38,848 [JACOB WHISTLES] 289 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,600 Welcome to my spaceship 290 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,521 It's beautiful forever 291 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,316 Can you give me five minutes? 292 00:17:50,277 --> 00:17:53,154 The heart's a lonely hunter 293 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:54,697 Interesting. 294 00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,831 Hey. Jacob Palmer. 295 00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:06,209 - Cal Weaver. - Let me buy you a drink, Cal. 296 00:18:06,376 --> 00:18:09,253 - Thanks, I have a drink. - Sit. I'd like to buy you a drink. 297 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:11,255 Okay. 298 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,175 Guess what. 299 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,886 - My wife is having an affair with... - David Lindhagen. 300 00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,223 David Lindhagen. I know. 301 00:18:20,390 --> 00:18:22,183 - How do I know that? - I don't know. 302 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,269 I'm a total stranger. How would I know something so intimate? 303 00:18:25,437 --> 00:18:27,647 - Lindhagen screwing with your wife too? JACOB: No. 304 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,023 [LAUGHS] 305 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:31,442 - Hmm. JACOB: You wanna know why I know that? 306 00:18:31,610 --> 00:18:32,777 [COUGHING] 307 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:33,986 Okay. 308 00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:37,949 It's all that I've heard, Cal, for the past two nights. It's all anybody's heard. 309 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:42,703 You're going around and you're badgering people with this sad-sack loser sob story. 310 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,248 - I don't understand why. - I don't need this crap. 311 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:47,208 - Cal, sit down. - All right. 312 00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:51,879 Look, I know that it sounds harsh, but it's true. 313 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:54,966 And you need to hear the truth. Okay? 314 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,175 Okay. 315 00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:59,137 Cal, would you take that straw out of your mouth? Please. 316 00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,764 That looks like you're sucking on a tiny schwantz. 317 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:05,059 Is that what you want? Is that the message you wanna send? 318 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:08,104 - No one's thinking that. JACOB: Really? 319 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:12,900 - So permission to speak candidly, sir. - Uh, think you've already gone there. 320 00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,236 You're sitting there with a Supercuts haircut... 321 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:19,031 ...getting drunk on watered-down vodka cranberries like a 14-year-old girl... 322 00:19:19,199 --> 00:19:22,243 ...and you're wearing a 44 when you should be wearing a 42 regular. 323 00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:25,454 Honestly, I don't know if I should help you or euthanize you. 324 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:29,959 Cal, you got a kind face. 325 00:19:30,127 --> 00:19:32,920 You got a good head of hair. You seem like a nice guy. 326 00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:37,842 I wanna help you. I'm gonna help you rediscover your manhood. 327 00:19:39,803 --> 00:19:43,306 Do you have any idea, like, where you lost it? 328 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,809 - A strong case could be made for 1984. JACOB: Well. 329 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:51,606 We're gonna find it. 330 00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:55,443 We are. I promise you. 331 00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:58,279 And I promise you this too, Cal: 332 00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:00,239 When we're done... 333 00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,700 ...this wife of yours... 334 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:07,038 ...she's gonna rue the day she ever decided to give up on you. 335 00:20:08,665 --> 00:20:10,791 That's my offer. 336 00:20:11,376 --> 00:20:13,252 You in or you out? 337 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,047 Why are you doing this? 338 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,798 Maybe you remind me of someone. 339 00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:21,802 You in or you out? 340 00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:26,140 I'm in. 341 00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,105 Hey, fancy face, you wanna go? 342 00:20:34,566 --> 00:20:36,317 Okay. 343 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:40,029 Century City Mall, food court, 3:00, Thursday. 344 00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,658 After you, hon. 345 00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:48,454 Good night, fancy face. 346 00:20:52,834 --> 00:20:55,336 She will rue the day. 347 00:20:56,838 --> 00:20:59,715 Set you guys up with some snacks over here. TV's already on. 348 00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:01,008 [MOLLY SHRIEKS] 349 00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:04,011 [BURNHAM'S "AUTOMATIC" PLAYING ON TV] 350 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:06,639 You okay? 351 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:09,058 Mm. Yeah. You? 352 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:11,185 Mm. 353 00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,520 Can I tell you something? 354 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,356 Love sucks. 355 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:18,192 [LAUGHS] 356 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,819 [SIGHS] 357 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:21,320 CAL: Yeah. 358 00:21:21,488 --> 00:21:23,239 You in love, buddy? 359 00:21:23,407 --> 00:21:25,866 ROBBIE: Well, if you must know... - Ding-dong. 360 00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:28,411 - Oh, hey, Jess. Thanks for coming by. - Hey. Yeah. 361 00:21:28,578 --> 00:21:29,954 What is she doing here? 362 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:34,542 Guys, I have to step out for a couple of minutes. Okay? All right? Okay. 363 00:21:34,710 --> 00:21:36,877 Mom wants you to stay while she's out hooking. 364 00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:38,296 - What? CAL: What? 365 00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:41,841 Oh. Um, the place is nice, Mr. Weaver. 366 00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,884 Thanks. That's a very generous adjective. 367 00:21:44,052 --> 00:21:45,761 - Honey. ROBBIE: I don't need a babysitter. 368 00:21:45,929 --> 00:21:48,306 She's only four years older. You need to know that. 369 00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:51,392 - She needs to know that. - I know, I know, I know. 370 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,269 Man, are you growing up. 371 00:21:53,437 --> 00:21:55,938 Look at him. It's unbelievable. He's in love already. 372 00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:57,148 Oh. 373 00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:01,402 Molly. Say bye to Daddy. 374 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,072 - Wait, where are you going? - I'm taking a class. 375 00:22:05,407 --> 00:22:08,993 - That is great, Mr. Weaver. - Thank you. 376 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:13,247 This is a difficult time for you, right? And it's important to try new things. 377 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:17,251 Even things that you haven't considered trying before. 378 00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:21,881 Mm-hm. Yup. Molly, I'm going. 379 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:24,842 Okay. That's my princess. Bye. Thanks. 380 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:28,095 - But wait. Dad. CAL: Bye, guys. See you in a bit. 381 00:22:28,889 --> 00:22:31,974 Hey, Tiger. 382 00:22:36,063 --> 00:22:38,606 - I love you so, so much. - Jeez, Robbie. 383 00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:40,649 I love you so much. Please? 384 00:22:43,653 --> 00:22:45,905 What the hell am I doing? 385 00:22:46,823 --> 00:22:48,908 What am I doing? 386 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:51,202 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 387 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,037 MAN: Hey, uh, everybody. 388 00:22:53,205 --> 00:22:55,373 Everybody. Uh, if I could... 389 00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:57,625 Thank you. A little toast. 390 00:22:57,793 --> 00:23:01,670 I would like to thank you all for coming to Hannah Banana's goodbye party. 391 00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:04,340 And to my... 392 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:06,425 - [IN GOOFY VOICE]... Hannah Banana. ALL: Ha, ha. 393 00:23:06,593 --> 00:23:09,261 [IN NORMAL VOICE] You go into your cave and you study your butt off. 394 00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:14,642 Because if you do, I just know that you are gonna kick that bar's butt... 395 00:23:15,602 --> 00:23:18,479 ...out of here. You know? - Yeah. 396 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:21,232 It reminds me of an old story my law professor told me... 397 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,609 Oh, dear God. Cheers, everyone. 398 00:23:23,777 --> 00:23:25,861 ALL: Cheers. 399 00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:27,071 RICHARD: Hey, Liz. 400 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:31,450 Listen, when my girl here passes... 401 00:23:31,993 --> 00:23:35,246 ...I'm gonna have another little celebration right here... 402 00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:38,624 ...and I hope you can make it, because it's gonna be a special night. 403 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,334 Okay. 404 00:23:45,340 --> 00:23:47,675 - Did you hear that? LIZ: Hear what? 405 00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:52,012 - You heard that? "Special night"? LIZ: Yeah. Yeah. 406 00:23:53,223 --> 00:23:54,557 You think he's gonna propose? 407 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,853 At the El Torito Grill? God, I hope not. 408 00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:00,146 Why, do you want him to? 409 00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:01,730 [CHUCKLES] 410 00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:03,691 I don't know, he's nice. 411 00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:06,610 "He's ni..."? Hannah. 412 00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:08,737 He's a sweetheart. Look at him. 413 00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:10,197 - He bcc'd you? - Right, yeah. 414 00:24:11,324 --> 00:24:14,910 All right. Hannah, look at you. Look at you. 415 00:24:15,078 --> 00:24:18,205 If you end up with that, what am I gonna end up with? 416 00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:21,542 - Shut up. Come on. - That shit's depressing. 417 00:24:21,710 --> 00:24:25,713 All right. You know what? I have to not big-sister you. It's fine if... 418 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:26,922 Jesus, really? 419 00:24:27,090 --> 00:24:29,925 No. No. Not my life. Not my life. I'm going. Okay? 420 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:33,554 So call me if you need anything. Bye. 421 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:35,181 You're awful. Bye. 422 00:24:35,348 --> 00:24:37,391 Thank you for coming. 423 00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:10,132 CAL: Um... 424 00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,303 - You're late. - Yeah. Sorry. 425 00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:16,222 - Sbarro's? - No, thanks. 426 00:25:16,389 --> 00:25:18,933 Let me ask a question. How much you got for clothes? 427 00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:20,142 Um... 428 00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:22,728 - What happened to your feet? - What do you mean? 429 00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,731 - These are my 407s. - Oh, they're 407s. 430 00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:27,399 - Can I see them? - Yeah. 431 00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,568 - These offer a lot of support. - Right. 432 00:25:29,736 --> 00:25:31,237 CAL: Whoa. Come on. 433 00:25:31,863 --> 00:25:34,114 - What, are you in a fraternity? - Are you insane? 434 00:25:34,282 --> 00:25:36,242 You could have hit somebody. What was that? 435 00:25:36,409 --> 00:25:38,577 - I'm asking a question. You in a frat? - No. 436 00:25:38,745 --> 00:25:40,287 - Are you Steve Jobs? - What? 437 00:25:40,455 --> 00:25:43,499 Hold on a second. Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers? 438 00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:44,792 - No. JACOB: Oh. 439 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,504 Okay. Well, in that case, you got no right to wear New Balance sneakers ever. 440 00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:51,757 - Come on. - Mm... Oh... 441 00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,012 Okay. All right. 442 00:25:57,180 --> 00:25:59,640 JACOB: One of the best parts about being a guy your age... 443 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:02,768 Frankly, there aren't many, so you should really take full advantage of it. 444 00:26:02,936 --> 00:26:03,978 Uh-huh. 445 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:07,147 - Is that you can rebuild your entire wardrobe with like 16 items. 446 00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:08,440 Credit card. 447 00:26:14,030 --> 00:26:15,239 [VELCRO RIPS] 448 00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:21,287 What? 449 00:26:26,918 --> 00:26:29,253 You see, the problem is that your head has like... 450 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,505 Like the proportions of a Styrofoam peanut. 451 00:26:36,219 --> 00:26:39,221 The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sac. 452 00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:44,560 It does. 453 00:26:49,858 --> 00:26:51,066 [VELCRO RIPS] 454 00:26:51,234 --> 00:26:52,318 Where are your wallets? 455 00:26:55,739 --> 00:26:57,906 - I'm set for jeans. - You're not set for jeans. 456 00:26:58,074 --> 00:27:00,367 - These are fine. JACOB: They're not fine. 457 00:27:00,535 --> 00:27:03,078 - You have a mom butt. - Why don't we just go to the Gap? 458 00:27:05,832 --> 00:27:07,750 You know what? They have a s... Okay. 459 00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:09,960 What are you doing? 460 00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:17,384 Cal, be better than the Gap. 461 00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:19,970 Be better than the Gap. 462 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:21,680 Say it. 463 00:27:23,224 --> 00:27:24,600 I'm better than the Gap. 464 00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:28,687 - Come on. - God. 465 00:27:28,855 --> 00:27:30,898 - Stop slapping me. Really. JACOB: Okay. 466 00:27:31,566 --> 00:27:33,067 You're beautiful. 467 00:27:33,985 --> 00:27:36,445 He likes to slap me in the face. 468 00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:38,572 - What are you doing later? - Ha, ha. I don't know. 469 00:27:38,740 --> 00:27:40,282 - I do. - Do you? 470 00:27:40,450 --> 00:27:42,284 - I know exactly what you're doing. - Oh, ha, ha. 471 00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:43,702 CAL: Seriously? Seriously? 472 00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:45,412 - You ask her out like that? - Yeah. 473 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,665 And that worked? 474 00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:49,667 BOTH: Yeah. 475 00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:52,503 Feeling kind of stupid, but... 476 00:27:53,922 --> 00:27:55,297 TIFFANY: Wow. 477 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:57,549 Look at you. 478 00:27:57,759 --> 00:27:59,051 Feel like I'm going skiing. 479 00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:02,721 - Would you sleep with him? - Jesus. God. 480 00:28:02,889 --> 00:28:05,724 - Yeah, probably. - Wha...? 481 00:28:06,434 --> 00:28:08,102 You would? 482 00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:11,105 [CHUCKLING] That's... What? 483 00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:13,148 [CAL LAUGHING] 484 00:28:13,316 --> 00:28:14,942 What are you even saying? 485 00:28:15,443 --> 00:28:17,111 You see what just happened, Cal? 486 00:28:17,278 --> 00:28:20,906 Soon as you opened your mouth, Tiffany started doubting whether she wanted to. 487 00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:24,034 That's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me. 488 00:28:24,202 --> 00:28:25,786 No. This is. 489 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:32,292 Your wife cheated on you because you lost sight of who you are as a man... 490 00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:36,004 ...as a husband, and probably as a lover. 491 00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:38,298 You're right, that's meaner. 492 00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:42,636 Let's talk about how many women you've been with. 493 00:28:43,263 --> 00:28:46,515 - Sexually? - Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting. 494 00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:49,977 One. 495 00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:53,397 No. Not at one time. 496 00:28:53,565 --> 00:28:55,649 [JACOB CHUCKLING] 497 00:28:55,817 --> 00:28:56,859 How many total? 498 00:28:58,862 --> 00:29:00,320 Don't say it. Don't say it. 499 00:29:00,488 --> 00:29:02,114 We met in high school, okay? 500 00:29:02,282 --> 00:29:04,408 Oh, boy. You're kidding me. 501 00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:06,952 One woman? That's great. 502 00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:08,829 - Emily is beautiful. - I guess. 503 00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:11,165 She was gorgeous. She was one of those women... 504 00:29:11,332 --> 00:29:15,085 ...that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time. 505 00:29:15,253 --> 00:29:16,879 We had a little blip senior year... 506 00:29:17,046 --> 00:29:19,465 I literally stopped listening at "Emily." 507 00:29:19,632 --> 00:29:21,884 I think we should start approaching women tonight. 508 00:29:22,051 --> 00:29:23,844 Are you ready to go? 509 00:29:25,263 --> 00:29:26,722 I miss my wife. 510 00:29:30,393 --> 00:29:31,810 JACOB: Hi. AMY: Hi. 511 00:29:31,978 --> 00:29:33,645 JACOB: How are you? - Good. How are you? 512 00:29:33,813 --> 00:29:35,731 I'm great. I'm Jacob. What's your name? 513 00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:38,317 - Oh. Amy Johnson. - Amy Johnson. 514 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:39,568 [AMY LAUGHS] 515 00:29:39,736 --> 00:29:41,695 - I'm Jacob Palmer. How you doing? - Uh, great. 516 00:29:41,863 --> 00:29:43,238 JACOB: Good. - I'm Cal. 517 00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:44,865 JACOB: No. Not yet. 518 00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:48,368 - Sorry. Amy, can I buy you a drink? - Uh-huh. 519 00:29:48,536 --> 00:29:49,620 Keep her company? 520 00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,247 - I'd be happy to. - If he gets handsy, let me know. 521 00:29:52,415 --> 00:29:53,791 [CAL LAUGHS] 522 00:29:53,958 --> 00:29:56,293 I wouldn't touch you if my life depended on it. 523 00:30:00,215 --> 00:30:03,467 - Uh, what was your name? - Cal Weaver. 524 00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:06,011 AMY: Cal Weaver. - No relation to Dennis Weaver. 525 00:30:06,387 --> 00:30:09,431 - Uh... Uh... - McCloud. 526 00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:12,226 McCloud was a show in the '70s that... 527 00:30:12,393 --> 00:30:14,645 You're not talking about McCloud again, are you? 528 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,065 Here we go, huh? To all of our fallen homeys. 529 00:30:18,233 --> 00:30:20,734 Well, I'm the fourth of five sisters. 530 00:30:20,902 --> 00:30:22,986 - No. That's boring. - Oh. 531 00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:26,740 Not for your sisters, but for my purposes, it's not gonna work. 532 00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:29,743 - Okay. - I have this friend. 533 00:30:30,036 --> 00:30:34,331 And he thinks that you're way too pretty to be interesting and that's hogwash. 534 00:30:34,499 --> 00:30:37,751 - All right. You wanna get out of here? - Uh, sure. 535 00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:39,044 Giddyup. 536 00:30:39,212 --> 00:30:41,505 Am I boring you? I'm totally boring you. I'm... 537 00:30:41,673 --> 00:30:43,131 How are you doing this, like... 538 00:30:43,299 --> 00:30:46,927 ...wildly sexy but unbelievably cute thing that you're doing? 539 00:30:47,095 --> 00:30:48,887 JORDYN: Uh... - It's weird. 540 00:30:49,055 --> 00:30:51,098 - You wanna get out of here? - Yeah. 541 00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:53,392 - Okay. JORDYN: Cool. 542 00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:56,770 So Molly, who's 6 at the time, can't find Mr. Bobo. 543 00:30:56,938 --> 00:30:58,689 We're looking all over. 544 00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:02,526 It's in the kitchen. Mr. Bobo was in the kitchen the whole time. 545 00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:05,612 Wanna get out of here? 546 00:31:05,780 --> 00:31:07,489 Have a good night. 547 00:31:08,992 --> 00:31:10,367 - Let's get out of here. - Yeah. 548 00:31:10,535 --> 00:31:11,952 - Let's get out of here. - Okay. 549 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,121 - Let's get out of here. WOMEN: Absolutely. 550 00:31:14,289 --> 00:31:17,249 - Let's get out of here. - Okay. 551 00:32:06,549 --> 00:32:07,591 Shit. 552 00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:09,384 [PHOTOCOPIER BEEPING] 553 00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:14,431 - You have a second? - Hey, David. No. Because I'm swamped. 554 00:32:14,599 --> 00:32:17,142 DAVID: You've been avoiding me. - No. I haven't. 555 00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:20,896 You ran in the other direction when you saw me coming down the hall yesterday. 556 00:32:21,064 --> 00:32:23,774 - You're very fast, by the way. - I ran track in high school. 557 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:25,901 That must be it. 558 00:32:26,694 --> 00:32:30,072 Hey, listen, I'm sorry about you and Cal. 559 00:32:30,239 --> 00:32:32,199 - No, you're not. - No, I'm not. 560 00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:33,867 I like you, Emily. 561 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:36,078 Do you have any idea how much I like you? 562 00:32:36,245 --> 00:32:38,455 Hey, David, you know, I really have a lot to do. 563 00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,041 I had no intention of falling for a married woman... 564 00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:44,336 ...but all of a sudden we're having lunch and I'm this accountant... 565 00:32:44,504 --> 00:32:47,047 ...who's waking up every morning excited to go to work. 566 00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:50,842 And that just does not happen for accountants. Ever. 567 00:32:51,010 --> 00:32:52,803 I checked with other accountants. 568 00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:55,222 David, you know what? You've been a great friend. 569 00:32:55,390 --> 00:32:58,558 You noticed last month when I got my hair trimmed and that was huge. 570 00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:00,185 But look, trust me. You know... 571 00:33:00,353 --> 00:33:03,939 I am saving you from disaster, because you're asking to pre-board the Titanic. 572 00:33:04,107 --> 00:33:05,983 Do you really want any part of this? 573 00:33:06,150 --> 00:33:07,609 Do I really want any part of this? 574 00:33:07,777 --> 00:33:08,819 [KNOCKING] 575 00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,321 - Emily? Your report's ready. - Okay. 576 00:33:13,992 --> 00:33:16,284 TEACHER: Okay, people. Here it is. 577 00:33:16,452 --> 00:33:20,247 The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. 578 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:25,210 A romance set in Salem in the 1600s. It is about sin. 579 00:33:25,378 --> 00:33:26,503 [CELL PHONE BEEPS] 580 00:33:41,519 --> 00:33:45,772 TEACHER: Forced to wear the scarlet A to punish her adulterous behavior. 581 00:33:45,940 --> 00:33:50,444 Dimmesdale's A is inflicted upon himself in the form of a... 582 00:33:50,611 --> 00:33:54,531 Mr. Weaver. 583 00:33:54,699 --> 00:33:57,451 Are we interrupting? 584 00:33:57,618 --> 00:34:01,038 You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? 585 00:34:01,247 --> 00:34:02,497 All right. 586 00:34:02,665 --> 00:34:07,127 Well, the A they're both wearing... 587 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:10,172 ...I think it stands for "asshole." 588 00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:11,590 Wanna know why? 589 00:34:11,758 --> 00:34:13,925 Because they fell in love... 590 00:34:14,093 --> 00:34:16,928 ...and love is for stupid assholes. 591 00:34:17,096 --> 00:34:19,681 And this book is just about a bunch of assholes... 592 00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:21,808 ...who fell in love, like assholes... 593 00:34:21,976 --> 00:34:24,686 ...then had to die, like assholes. 594 00:34:26,522 --> 00:34:29,191 I'm sorry about all the "assholes." 595 00:34:29,609 --> 00:34:31,651 You know what else might work? A swear jar. 596 00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:34,321 You know, a quarter per curse word. 597 00:34:34,489 --> 00:34:36,156 EMILY: Yeah, we'll definitely try that. 598 00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:37,949 All right. Could help. 599 00:34:38,117 --> 00:34:40,243 - Take care. - Thanks. 600 00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:46,750 - Seriously? - Sorry. 601 00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:50,504 Hey, I have to go back to the office. You're gonna have to wait for me there. 602 00:34:50,671 --> 00:34:52,005 ROBBIE: Fine. 603 00:34:54,008 --> 00:34:56,843 They're still making kids read The Scarlet Letter, huh? 604 00:34:57,303 --> 00:34:58,512 Yep. 605 00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:02,349 You'd think somebody would have written something better by now. 606 00:35:17,532 --> 00:35:20,200 I guess I should take that down, huh? 607 00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:21,993 I guess. 608 00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:31,169 So how is he? You know. 609 00:35:32,338 --> 00:35:35,674 I mean, I... Oh, no. I'm sorry. Forget it. Just ignore me. 610 00:35:35,842 --> 00:35:37,300 - Forget I ever... - He's out a lot. 611 00:35:38,719 --> 00:35:40,887 - A lot? - Yeah. 612 00:35:41,055 --> 00:35:42,556 Like... 613 00:35:43,724 --> 00:35:47,018 Like "a lot" a lot, or just like a little? 614 00:35:47,603 --> 00:35:48,728 A lot. 615 00:35:50,064 --> 00:35:53,400 Well, that's good. That's really good. 616 00:35:58,197 --> 00:36:01,158 - Wanna get takeout tonight, honey? - I mean, he's sad. 617 00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:05,495 I can tell that he's sad. Even though he looks better... 618 00:36:05,663 --> 00:36:11,626 ...I can still tell that he's not happy, you know? 619 00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:17,132 Yeah. Well, you know. Yeah. 620 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,013 I guess I'm pretty sad too. 621 00:36:23,181 --> 00:36:24,806 I know. 622 00:36:24,974 --> 00:36:27,017 I heard you crying the other night. 623 00:36:28,436 --> 00:36:29,895 Didn't know what to do. 624 00:36:30,062 --> 00:36:34,858 Oh, Robbie, baby, you're 13, you're not supposed to know what to do. 625 00:36:35,026 --> 00:36:36,067 I tried Googling it. 626 00:36:36,235 --> 00:36:38,570 - You did not. - Yep. I did. 627 00:36:38,738 --> 00:36:42,240 - Well, what did you Google? - I searched "Mom crying in bed." 628 00:36:42,950 --> 00:36:45,076 What did Google say? 629 00:36:45,244 --> 00:36:50,290 Just a bunch of weird videos of moms in bed. 630 00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:52,834 Ugh. Oh, God. Okay. All right, that's enough. No more. 631 00:36:53,002 --> 00:36:54,169 [EMILY GAGS] 632 00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:56,296 Do those parental controls work at all? 633 00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:57,923 They work for me. 634 00:36:58,549 --> 00:37:02,219 Because you're a disgusting teenager, that's why. 635 00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:03,470 [LAUGHS] 636 00:37:03,638 --> 00:37:04,638 DAVID: Hey. - Oh, hey. 637 00:37:04,805 --> 00:37:08,683 - Bill wants to see you before you take off. - Oh. Uh, David, this is my son, Robbie. 638 00:37:08,851 --> 00:37:11,269 Robbie, this is David. 639 00:37:11,437 --> 00:37:14,981 - Um, we work together. - How you doing, buddy? 640 00:37:18,986 --> 00:37:20,987 - You all right to wait a little bit? - Yeah. 641 00:37:21,155 --> 00:37:23,865 EMILY: Okay. Thanks, David. 642 00:37:36,754 --> 00:37:40,799 So, Robbie, I hear you're quite the soccer player. 643 00:37:45,554 --> 00:37:48,181 So, David, I hear you broke up my parents' marriage. 644 00:37:49,058 --> 00:37:52,852 - You are David Lindhagen, right? - Lindhagen. 645 00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:56,189 - Yeah. Here's the thing, Lindhagen. - Hagen. 646 00:37:56,357 --> 00:37:57,399 Whatever. 647 00:37:57,566 --> 00:38:00,360 In the end, she winds up back with my dad. 648 00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:03,697 He's a better guy than you are in every category. 649 00:38:03,864 --> 00:38:06,783 And she still loves him. He's not gonna give up on my mom... 650 00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:09,411 ...like I'm not gonna stop sending Jessica messages... 651 00:38:09,578 --> 00:38:11,496 ...that make her feel uncomfortable. 652 00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:13,665 Hey. You ready to go, honey? 653 00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:17,460 - Can we order Chinese for dinner tonight? EMILY: Yeah. Sure, honey. 654 00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:20,130 Hi, David. Get your stuff. 655 00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:21,965 - Bye, David. DAVID: See you. 656 00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:32,434 You're not gonna be able to feel your arms. 657 00:38:32,727 --> 00:38:34,269 I'll be fine. 658 00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:36,062 Jesus Christ. 659 00:38:36,272 --> 00:38:38,690 JACOB: Look, let's face it, Cal, all right? 660 00:38:38,858 --> 00:38:43,236 The war between the sexes is over, and we won, okay? 661 00:38:44,572 --> 00:38:47,699 We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise. 662 00:38:47,867 --> 00:38:50,410 But even though we won, they still deserve our respect. 663 00:38:50,578 --> 00:38:54,205 Make them feel beautiful, listen to their problems, open the door for them. 664 00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:56,166 Would you put on some clothes, please? 665 00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:58,585 - I'm sorry, is this bothering you? - No, it's not. 666 00:38:58,794 --> 00:39:02,213 My schwantz is in your face. If it's not bothering you, we got a problem. 667 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:04,966 - Okay, it bothers me. - I don't care. 668 00:39:05,134 --> 00:39:08,094 You gotta take control of your manhood, pal. You know? 669 00:39:08,262 --> 00:39:10,055 You want something, you take it. 670 00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:12,932 You don't like something, you say it. I take what I want. 671 00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:15,769 David Lindhagen certainly took what he wanted, didn't he? 672 00:39:15,936 --> 00:39:17,395 And I can guarantee you this: 673 00:39:17,563 --> 00:39:21,232 He is opening the car door for your wife right now. 674 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:22,442 What, you passing out? 675 00:39:24,945 --> 00:39:26,404 Oh, boy. 676 00:39:26,572 --> 00:39:29,574 [ALL CHATTERING] 677 00:39:38,334 --> 00:39:40,710 - I think you're ready, pal. - For what? 678 00:39:40,878 --> 00:39:45,006 To talk to a pretty lady, and take her home and show her your gift. 679 00:39:45,174 --> 00:39:46,716 No. No, I'm not. 680 00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:48,635 You're ready as you're ever gonna be. 681 00:39:48,803 --> 00:39:51,805 You play your strengths, pal. That's all any of us can do. 682 00:39:51,972 --> 00:39:54,474 I'm mysterious. 683 00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:56,393 I'm, you know, good in bed. 684 00:39:57,645 --> 00:40:00,647 And you are a, uh... 685 00:40:00,815 --> 00:40:02,732 ...you know, stable and employed adult. 686 00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:04,317 Jesus. 687 00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,820 You see this lady over here at 9 o'clock? 688 00:40:08,948 --> 00:40:10,156 CAL: You want me to hit on her? 689 00:40:10,324 --> 00:40:12,283 No, I wanna hit on her. The one behind her. 690 00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:13,493 CAL: Oh. 691 00:40:13,661 --> 00:40:15,078 JACOB: She's a fox, right? CAL: Mm-hm. 692 00:40:15,246 --> 00:40:18,915 You think she came to a crowded bar to have a quiet drink alone? She's hunting. 693 00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:24,170 She's just looking for an opportunity to settle for a responsible and stable adult. 694 00:40:24,380 --> 00:40:26,005 And I'd like her to settle for you. 695 00:40:26,173 --> 00:40:28,633 Oh. Well, thank you for the ego boost, but you know what? 696 00:40:28,801 --> 00:40:30,552 Just because I've watched you pick up women... 697 00:40:30,719 --> 00:40:32,554 ...doesn't mean I know how to pick up women. 698 00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:35,640 - Ever see Karate Kid? - What does that have to do with anything? 699 00:40:35,808 --> 00:40:38,560 When he's teaching him to wax on and off but really to fight? 700 00:40:38,727 --> 00:40:40,019 You want me to fight someone? 701 00:40:40,187 --> 00:40:42,897 What's the first thing I do when I go up to a girl? I buy her a drink. 702 00:40:43,065 --> 00:40:46,359 Yes, always. Without fail. You buy her a drink. 703 00:40:46,527 --> 00:40:49,237 Even if she doesn't want one, you insist. 704 00:40:49,405 --> 00:40:51,322 - And do I talk about myself? - Never. 705 00:40:51,490 --> 00:40:53,032 Never about yourself, always her. 706 00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,034 - Because bar banter? - Is boring. 707 00:40:55,202 --> 00:40:58,204 So you put the impetus on her. She has to be the interesting one. 708 00:40:58,414 --> 00:41:01,082 "Impress me. Impress me with how interesting you are." 709 00:41:01,250 --> 00:41:04,294 It's a big game. Game. Creepy, creepy little game you play. 710 00:41:04,462 --> 00:41:06,045 - That's judgmental, isn't it? - Mm-hm. 711 00:41:06,213 --> 00:41:08,339 At the end of the night do I ask them to come home? 712 00:41:08,507 --> 00:41:11,634 No, you tell them to come home. They have no choice in the matter. 713 00:41:11,802 --> 00:41:16,139 It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity... 714 00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:20,477 ...to make sweet, sweet love to you. 715 00:41:20,978 --> 00:41:22,479 Oh, my God. 716 00:41:23,063 --> 00:41:24,981 You did, you Miyagi'd me. 717 00:41:25,566 --> 00:41:26,733 Honk. 718 00:41:26,984 --> 00:41:28,693 Take your ring off. Let's go. 719 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:38,453 Just no talking about your kids, your job, David Lindhagen, don't you dare. 720 00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:40,163 Shut up, shut up. Just shut up. 721 00:41:40,331 --> 00:41:41,372 - Hello. JACOB: Hi. 722 00:41:41,540 --> 00:41:42,749 Hi. Hi. 723 00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:45,084 - Who are you? - Hey. I'm Kate. 724 00:41:45,252 --> 00:41:48,087 - Kate, you mind if I introduce you to my...? - I'm Cal. 725 00:41:48,506 --> 00:41:50,465 - I got this. Pleased to meet you. - Hi. 726 00:41:50,633 --> 00:41:53,134 And this is my friend Jacob. He was just leaving. 727 00:41:53,636 --> 00:41:55,345 - Oh. - Oh. 728 00:41:55,513 --> 00:41:58,097 So that's one way to treat people. 729 00:42:03,270 --> 00:42:04,604 So can I buy you a drink, Kate? 730 00:42:04,772 --> 00:42:08,107 - Oh. No, thank you. - I'm gonna buy you a drink anyway. 731 00:42:10,277 --> 00:42:12,362 Grey Goose, right? 732 00:42:12,530 --> 00:42:14,989 Rocks. Two limes? 733 00:42:15,491 --> 00:42:16,533 I'm five years sober. 734 00:42:17,576 --> 00:42:19,911 - What can I get for you? - Nothing. Nothing. 735 00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:22,497 Go away, we're good. Please don't come back ever. 736 00:42:24,708 --> 00:42:29,379 - Ahem. So, what do you do, Cal? - I don't know. What do you do, Kate? 737 00:42:30,089 --> 00:42:31,798 - I asked you first. - I asked you second. 738 00:42:31,966 --> 00:42:34,217 [KATE LAUGHS] 739 00:42:34,385 --> 00:42:37,512 Seriously, what do you do? 740 00:42:40,140 --> 00:42:42,016 Are you really not going to tell me what you do? 741 00:42:42,184 --> 00:42:43,726 Ah... 742 00:42:45,479 --> 00:42:48,273 - Uh, okay, I'm a teacher. - Boring. 743 00:42:49,483 --> 00:42:52,235 Come on, you gotta keep it interesting. Interest me. 744 00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:53,695 Uh... 745 00:42:53,862 --> 00:42:56,781 - I studied at Oxford for five years. - Boring! 746 00:42:56,949 --> 00:43:00,994 Wow. Teacher with an alcohol dependency who studied at Oxford. 747 00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:03,705 Blah, blah, blah. Bleh. 748 00:43:03,872 --> 00:43:05,081 England. Yuck. 749 00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:06,874 I think my friends just got here. 750 00:43:07,042 --> 00:43:09,586 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 751 00:43:09,753 --> 00:43:12,422 - Okay, I'm in corporate insurance. - Oh, God. 752 00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:13,965 I have children, plural. 753 00:43:14,133 --> 00:43:16,134 My wife was cheating on me with Lindhagen... 754 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:19,429 ...which I wasn't supposed to tell you. Nice to meet you. 755 00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:22,515 - What were you supposed to tell me? - I don't know. I don't know. 756 00:43:22,683 --> 00:43:26,686 I was supposed to say that you are the perfect combination of sexy and cute... 757 00:43:26,854 --> 00:43:29,814 ...which is actually something that I used to say to my wife. 758 00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,150 But now it's become corrupted. 759 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,278 And I have 18 layers of clothes on. 760 00:43:35,446 --> 00:43:38,698 I'm wearing a shirt and a tie and a sweater and a suede jacket... 761 00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:41,034 ...that just seals in all the heat. 762 00:43:41,201 --> 00:43:42,785 Seals in all the juices. 763 00:43:42,953 --> 00:43:47,665 It's all sweat under here. This is just sweat from here down. 764 00:43:47,833 --> 00:43:52,503 This sweater, this is called slim cut, but it feels like a scuba suit. 765 00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:55,048 And I'm looking at your breasts. What's that about? 766 00:43:56,216 --> 00:43:58,968 You think I'm the perfect combination of sexy and cute? 767 00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:01,387 That's what you picked up from what I just said? 768 00:44:01,555 --> 00:44:03,264 Mm, mm. 769 00:44:03,432 --> 00:44:05,850 [KATE MOANING] 770 00:44:08,062 --> 00:44:10,229 - So this is my crappy apartment. - Oh. Ooh. 771 00:44:10,439 --> 00:44:13,733 Dumpy. That I had to move into after my wife left me. 772 00:44:13,901 --> 00:44:15,568 I love how you're being so honest. 773 00:44:15,736 --> 00:44:18,071 - You like that? - It's so different. It's so hot. 774 00:44:18,656 --> 00:44:20,406 Okay. Okay. 775 00:44:20,574 --> 00:44:22,200 KATE: Aah! Ha, ha. - Wow! Wow! 776 00:44:22,368 --> 00:44:23,743 - More. - Okay. 777 00:44:23,911 --> 00:44:25,620 CAL: Wanna hear something really hot? - Mm-hm. 778 00:44:25,788 --> 00:44:28,831 I've only had sex with one woman. In my entire life. 779 00:44:28,999 --> 00:44:30,458 - Honest or not honest? - That's honest. 780 00:44:30,626 --> 00:44:31,918 [KATE SHRIEKS THEN LAUGHS] 781 00:44:32,086 --> 00:44:34,462 More! Tell me more. 782 00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:36,714 I'm a little worried you have AIDS. 783 00:44:39,301 --> 00:44:41,928 Just a little. Just a little bit. 784 00:44:42,096 --> 00:44:44,806 It's okay, I'm not worried. 785 00:44:44,973 --> 00:44:47,684 [BOTH MOANING] 786 00:44:47,851 --> 00:44:49,560 Oh, my God, this is so much fun. 787 00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:52,939 What do you wanna do with me? 788 00:44:53,732 --> 00:44:54,774 Oh... 789 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:57,944 I wanna show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous. 790 00:44:58,112 --> 00:44:59,821 [KATE SHRIEKING AND LAUGHING] 791 00:44:59,988 --> 00:45:01,072 [CAL SHRIEKS] 792 00:45:01,240 --> 00:45:02,990 CAL: Whoa, man. 793 00:45:03,158 --> 00:45:05,660 Phew. Ha, ha. 794 00:45:08,622 --> 00:45:10,206 You gonna call me? 795 00:45:10,374 --> 00:45:11,416 Okay. 796 00:45:11,583 --> 00:45:12,625 Yeah. 797 00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,475 Wow, that is a great dress. Where'd you get that? 798 00:45:29,643 --> 00:45:31,769 Thank you. A store in Beverly Hills. 799 00:45:31,937 --> 00:45:33,354 CAL: Really? Beautiful. 800 00:45:33,522 --> 00:45:35,148 WOMAN: It was a gift from my grandmother. 801 00:45:35,315 --> 00:45:36,607 - Really? WOMAN: It's a Krugerrand. 802 00:45:36,775 --> 00:45:37,942 It's from South Africa. 803 00:45:38,110 --> 00:45:39,652 I love it. 804 00:45:42,322 --> 00:45:44,991 [GABBY & CAL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 805 00:45:45,159 --> 00:45:47,160 And I told him never to assume anything. 806 00:45:47,661 --> 00:45:51,998 And I've been to Maine, so that's a sixth state. So I've been to six states. 807 00:45:52,207 --> 00:45:54,667 - Oh, I love Maine. SOPHIA: Oh, yeah, it's beautiful. 808 00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:57,003 - Have you been to Waterville? - I have, yeah. 809 00:45:57,337 --> 00:46:03,092 [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 810 00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,469 Greece, Italy. 811 00:46:04,636 --> 00:46:05,845 Greece, Italy? 812 00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,180 Wanna get out of here? 813 00:46:07,347 --> 00:46:08,765 - You're driving. - I am. 814 00:46:08,932 --> 00:46:10,349 [LISA CHUCKLES] 815 00:46:20,569 --> 00:46:22,653 I have never experienced that in my life. 816 00:46:23,238 --> 00:46:25,990 - Pretty great. - Are most women like that these days? 817 00:46:26,158 --> 00:46:28,493 - God bless technology. - God bless it. 818 00:46:28,660 --> 00:46:32,705 I went and met this girl the other night. She was heckling me the whole time we... 819 00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:36,125 I felt like I was doing it with the two old guys from The Muppet Show. 820 00:46:36,293 --> 00:46:38,795 - Ha-ha-ha. Statler and Waldorf. JACOB: I was into it. 821 00:46:38,962 --> 00:46:42,757 And she was like, "Look at this frown on your face. What is that? 822 00:46:42,925 --> 00:46:46,177 You're so serious. What, it's serious to kiss me? It's supposed to be fun. 823 00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:48,888 Oh, my God, if it's gonna be hard work, why don't you just stop?" 824 00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:52,266 [CAL LAUGHING] 825 00:46:52,851 --> 00:46:54,811 [LINE RINGING] 826 00:46:54,978 --> 00:46:56,020 HANNAH [OVER PHONE]: Hello? 827 00:46:56,188 --> 00:46:58,648 Hey. Hot guy from the bar who hit on you is here. 828 00:46:58,816 --> 00:47:00,233 Tsk. Liz, I'm studying. 829 00:47:00,400 --> 00:47:03,528 You should be studying the ceiling of his bedroom. 830 00:47:03,695 --> 00:47:05,154 I am eating a caramel apple. 831 00:47:05,322 --> 00:47:08,115 In what world, honey? Please, turn around. No. 832 00:47:08,283 --> 00:47:11,160 Come on, take a break. It'll be good for you to get out. 833 00:47:11,328 --> 00:47:12,370 And by get out... 834 00:47:12,538 --> 00:47:16,415 ...I mean have hot guy from the bar knock you into his headboard until you see God. 835 00:47:16,875 --> 00:47:18,042 What is wrong with you? 836 00:47:18,210 --> 00:47:19,919 You should be studying the curve of his... 837 00:47:20,087 --> 00:47:21,295 Okay, goodbye, Liz. 838 00:47:21,463 --> 00:47:23,589 That too much? Hello? 839 00:47:24,424 --> 00:47:27,426 BERNIE: Look, I gave him the cologne like you told me to... 840 00:47:27,594 --> 00:47:30,513 ...and I don't think we should really just dance on his grave. 841 00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:34,517 WOMAN: I just thought you'd wanna know what I heard about your old pal Cal. 842 00:47:35,352 --> 00:47:37,353 What about Mr. Weaver, Mom? 843 00:47:37,521 --> 00:47:43,401 Um, just, apparently, Mr. Weaver has become a real ladies' man. 844 00:47:43,569 --> 00:47:45,069 - What? - Claire. 845 00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:47,989 CLAIRE: She should know. She babysits for him. 846 00:47:48,156 --> 00:47:52,034 She's almost an adult. Lots of young women in and out of his apartment. 847 00:47:52,202 --> 00:47:53,452 BERNIE: She's too young for this. 848 00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:56,080 I don't like this S-E-X talk in front of the K-I-D-S. 849 00:47:56,248 --> 00:47:59,375 CLAIRE: First of all, they can spell. Second of all, I'm just saying. 850 00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:01,419 I think we were right in choosing Emily. 851 00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:03,880 [BELL RINGS] 852 00:48:21,732 --> 00:48:23,733 JESSICA: Oh, um... - Why are you following me? 853 00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:26,485 Madison, I just had a question for you. 854 00:48:26,653 --> 00:48:28,321 Okay, Jessica, what's up? 855 00:48:28,488 --> 00:48:30,114 It's kind of on the personal side. 856 00:48:30,282 --> 00:48:31,324 Yep, my lips are: 857 00:48:31,491 --> 00:48:33,910 [BARKING] 858 00:48:36,288 --> 00:48:38,039 Seals. My lips are seals. 859 00:48:38,206 --> 00:48:39,624 [CELL PHONE CHIMES] 860 00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:40,833 [CHUCKLES] 861 00:48:41,001 --> 00:48:42,335 Okay. Um... 862 00:48:42,502 --> 00:48:46,672 My question, and I don't mean to be blunt or insulting, but let's just call it what it is. 863 00:48:46,840 --> 00:48:48,966 You're always sleeping with older guys, right? 864 00:48:49,134 --> 00:48:51,260 - Always. JESSICA: Oh, um... 865 00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:55,765 So my question for you, Madison, is, um, how do you do that? 866 00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:59,685 I mean, how do you get them to see you as not just a kid in high school, you know? 867 00:48:59,853 --> 00:49:02,355 But as someone that's mature, and old, and that's... 868 00:49:02,522 --> 00:49:05,274 Well, first off, I have a huge rack. 869 00:49:05,442 --> 00:49:06,776 Uh, yes, you do. 870 00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:08,486 You don't have a huge rack. 871 00:49:09,196 --> 00:49:10,321 No. 872 00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:12,823 - Wait, how old is he? - Old. 873 00:49:13,575 --> 00:49:15,159 MADISON: Like really old? 874 00:49:15,327 --> 00:49:16,369 [CLEARS THROAT] 875 00:49:16,536 --> 00:49:19,330 - Like parent-old. - Nasty, Jessica. 876 00:49:19,498 --> 00:49:21,707 Yeah, because that's what I was thinking, right? 877 00:49:21,875 --> 00:49:23,334 MADISON: Rock on. - Thank you. 878 00:49:23,502 --> 00:49:26,629 MADISON: You are so dirty. - Yes, I know. 879 00:49:26,797 --> 00:49:28,714 Oh, okay. You gotta force his hand. 880 00:49:28,882 --> 00:49:30,091 You know what I mean? 881 00:49:30,258 --> 00:49:31,759 Go TMZ on his ass. 882 00:49:32,803 --> 00:49:35,096 - Not following. - A dirty picture. 883 00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:37,890 - Oh. Oh. - Make this face: 884 00:49:38,058 --> 00:49:39,350 [MOANS] 885 00:49:39,726 --> 00:49:42,019 - Jeez, Madison. Stop. MADISON: What? 886 00:49:42,187 --> 00:49:47,608 You put that on his radar and he won't see you as a little girl anymore, that's for sure. 887 00:49:50,946 --> 00:49:53,948 [ALL CHATTERING] 888 00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:06,502 - Hey, what's going on? - Hey. We don't know. 889 00:50:19,057 --> 00:50:20,349 ROBBIE: Behold. 890 00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:23,144 Jessica Riley, you are my soul mate. 891 00:50:23,311 --> 00:50:25,146 - The love of my life. STUDENTS: Ha-ha-ha. 892 00:50:25,313 --> 00:50:28,733 I have marked myself with a scarlet J for you, Jessica. 893 00:50:28,900 --> 00:50:30,151 Get down from there. 894 00:50:30,318 --> 00:50:34,947 ROBBIE: Nathaniel Hawthorne... Are you mad? - I am your babysitter. You get down. 895 00:50:35,115 --> 00:50:36,782 Oh, my God. 896 00:50:37,409 --> 00:50:39,410 - What are you thinking? - Like the scaffold? 897 00:50:39,578 --> 00:50:42,079 Took me like four weeks to make it. It has wheels. 898 00:50:42,247 --> 00:50:44,040 JESSICA: This has got to stop, Robbie. 899 00:50:44,207 --> 00:50:46,959 - You'll learn to love me, I promise. - No, I won't. 900 00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:50,212 - Because I'm four years younger? - Because I love somebody else. 901 00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:53,382 Who is he? 902 00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:54,800 He's older. 903 00:50:55,802 --> 00:50:58,220 And I didn't want my parents to find out. 904 00:51:00,098 --> 00:51:02,141 You know I'll kill him if he hurts you. 905 00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:04,268 Yeah, I know. 906 00:51:05,228 --> 00:51:07,104 Okay, Robbie, this has to stop. 907 00:51:07,522 --> 00:51:09,440 Okay? No more. 908 00:51:11,026 --> 00:51:12,318 Grow up. 909 00:51:12,486 --> 00:51:13,652 I'll see you around. 910 00:51:17,407 --> 00:51:20,409 [BELL RINGS] 911 00:52:01,952 --> 00:52:03,035 [YELLS] 912 00:52:07,124 --> 00:52:08,165 [SIGHS] 913 00:52:09,626 --> 00:52:11,335 CAL: Unh. Okay. 914 00:52:11,503 --> 00:52:12,670 [CAL GRUNTING] 915 00:52:12,838 --> 00:52:13,879 Okay. 916 00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:01,468 So you're seeing Mom tomorrow at my parent-teacher thing. 917 00:53:01,636 --> 00:53:03,387 Yeah, no biggie. 918 00:53:09,436 --> 00:53:10,769 What's with all the moping? 919 00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,273 Uh, nothing. It's just... 920 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:16,859 There's a girl. 921 00:53:18,403 --> 00:53:20,571 - A girl, huh? - Uh-huh. 922 00:53:20,739 --> 00:53:21,864 You like her? 923 00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:25,201 I like Pringles. 924 00:53:25,368 --> 00:53:27,077 I mean, this girl... 925 00:53:27,787 --> 00:53:29,079 ...she's incredible. 926 00:53:29,247 --> 00:53:31,332 She's my soul mate, you know? 927 00:53:31,499 --> 00:53:33,083 She doesn't even care. 928 00:53:33,543 --> 00:53:35,419 But she's your soul mate, right? 929 00:53:36,296 --> 00:53:37,421 Yeah. 930 00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:40,007 Well, you just don't give up on her, right? 931 00:53:41,301 --> 00:53:43,302 Why not? You did. 932 00:53:45,972 --> 00:53:47,014 I didn't give up. 933 00:53:49,476 --> 00:53:51,894 Okay, it's more complicated than that. 934 00:53:52,187 --> 00:53:53,312 I'm a different guy now. 935 00:53:54,022 --> 00:53:56,315 You're not different. You just have different clothes. 936 00:53:56,483 --> 00:53:57,816 It's not that simple, kiddo. 937 00:53:57,984 --> 00:53:59,902 - What kind of crap is that? - Watch it. 938 00:54:00,070 --> 00:54:01,904 You love her or you don't. I know you do. 939 00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:07,159 I'm serious, Dad. I just need some inspiration right now. All right? 940 00:54:07,327 --> 00:54:08,827 Go get her back. 941 00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,959 Wow, how old are you? 942 00:54:41,695 --> 00:54:43,445 EMILY: Wow. 943 00:54:43,613 --> 00:54:45,656 You look great, Cal. 944 00:54:46,700 --> 00:54:49,076 Oh. Ha, ha. 945 00:54:49,244 --> 00:54:53,789 Well, it turns out I've been buying the wrong size suit for like 20 years, so... 946 00:54:53,957 --> 00:54:57,501 Oh, well, whatever. You, um... You look great. 947 00:54:57,877 --> 00:54:59,712 Thanks. You always look great. 948 00:54:59,879 --> 00:55:01,213 Oh, thanks. 949 00:55:16,771 --> 00:55:19,732 - So I spoke to Nanna yesterday. - Yeah, me too. How'd she sound to you? 950 00:55:19,899 --> 00:55:23,819 Um... Like Nanna. She worries about us. 951 00:55:26,865 --> 00:55:27,906 What teacher is this? 952 00:55:28,074 --> 00:55:31,327 Ms. Tafferty. She's the one he pulled the Scarlet Letter asshole routine on. 953 00:55:31,494 --> 00:55:33,746 Mm-hm. 954 00:55:33,913 --> 00:55:35,456 God, he's such a weird kid. 955 00:55:36,666 --> 00:55:38,042 - I kind of like him, though. - Mm-hm. 956 00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:40,669 Yeah, me too. Glad we switched babies at the hospital. 957 00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,630 Me too. That other one's in jail, probably. 958 00:55:43,798 --> 00:55:45,632 [EMILY CHUCKLES] 959 00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:56,018 So how's it going with David? 960 00:55:56,186 --> 00:55:59,063 Oh, you know, it, um... 961 00:56:00,273 --> 00:56:01,690 It wasn't, um... 962 00:56:03,193 --> 00:56:06,320 That didn't mean anything. 963 00:56:06,488 --> 00:56:08,739 - I mean, you know, if... - No. No, I know. 964 00:56:13,787 --> 00:56:14,828 You seeing anybody? 965 00:56:15,413 --> 00:56:16,538 Me? 966 00:56:16,706 --> 00:56:18,624 Mm-mm. 967 00:56:18,792 --> 00:56:21,585 Oh, you know. Well, you hear things, you know, so... 968 00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,380 No. No. Not real... 969 00:56:24,547 --> 00:56:25,964 You know me. 970 00:56:26,758 --> 00:56:27,800 [CAL CHUCKLES] 971 00:56:27,967 --> 00:56:29,176 Yeah, well... 972 00:56:32,597 --> 00:56:33,764 No. 973 00:56:41,147 --> 00:56:42,648 I miss you, Em. 974 00:56:46,277 --> 00:56:49,113 I made an effort when we were younger, didn't I? 975 00:56:49,489 --> 00:56:54,076 I mean, miniature golf and dancing. You were such a great dancer. 976 00:56:54,244 --> 00:56:57,037 I had to be. You were such a good miniature golfer. 977 00:56:58,331 --> 00:57:01,917 I just... I don't know. I guess I got lazy. I got... 978 00:57:03,128 --> 00:57:05,504 I got boring, is what I got. 979 00:57:05,672 --> 00:57:06,755 No. 980 00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:09,466 And I'm so mad at you. 981 00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:12,386 I'm really mad at you for what you did. 982 00:57:13,138 --> 00:57:14,888 But I'm mad at myself too. 983 00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:22,896 Because I should not have jumped out of that car. I should've fought for you. 984 00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:28,902 Because you fight for your soul mates. 985 00:57:30,697 --> 00:57:33,198 Least, that's what my 13-year-old son tells me. 986 00:57:34,367 --> 00:57:35,909 He's a really strange kid. 987 00:57:36,077 --> 00:57:37,578 He scares the shit out of me. 988 00:57:39,914 --> 00:57:42,374 I miss you too. 989 00:57:43,460 --> 00:57:44,793 [DOOR OPENS] 990 00:57:45,837 --> 00:57:47,212 Mr. And Mrs. Weaver? 991 00:57:48,506 --> 00:57:51,049 No way in hell. 992 00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:55,429 - Cal, what are you doing here? - Oh, you two know each other? 993 00:57:55,597 --> 00:57:58,891 Yes. Yeah, right. We've met before, yes. 994 00:57:59,225 --> 00:58:02,895 - "We have met before"? Seriously? CAL: Mm-hm. 995 00:58:03,062 --> 00:58:06,064 So I'd like to introduce you to my wife, Emily. 996 00:58:06,232 --> 00:58:08,192 Hi, I'm Robbie's mom. 997 00:58:09,486 --> 00:58:12,571 She's your wife again. How convenient. 998 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:17,659 So shall we enter? 999 00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,244 - Okay. - Why don't we? 1000 00:58:19,454 --> 00:58:21,246 CAL: Yeah, let's do that. 1001 00:58:25,168 --> 00:58:28,545 I'm sorry. I'm playing catch-up. How do you two know each other, exactly? 1002 00:58:28,713 --> 00:58:31,673 - Um... - Um... 1003 00:58:31,841 --> 00:58:33,008 [SNAPS] 1004 00:58:33,176 --> 00:58:34,843 Maybe your husband should tell you. 1005 00:58:35,803 --> 00:58:42,476 We... I think we met at last year's parent-teacher conference, wasn't it? 1006 00:58:42,644 --> 00:58:44,269 [LAUGHING] 1007 00:58:45,230 --> 00:58:49,107 Did I miss it? Did I miss the parent-teacher conference thing last year? 1008 00:58:49,275 --> 00:58:51,527 Yeah. I don't remember. 1009 00:58:51,778 --> 00:58:53,904 Why don't we just, uh, focus on Robbie? 1010 00:58:54,072 --> 00:58:55,447 KATE: Yes. 1011 00:58:55,740 --> 00:58:59,785 Yes, let's do that. Let's... 1012 00:59:01,621 --> 00:59:02,955 Let's focus on Robbie. 1013 00:59:09,462 --> 00:59:11,463 As you know, Robbie's shining moment... 1014 00:59:11,631 --> 00:59:15,467 ...was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth-grade English class. 1015 00:59:15,635 --> 00:59:17,427 [LAUGHS] 1016 00:59:21,808 --> 00:59:23,600 Asshole. Ha-ha-ha. 1017 00:59:23,768 --> 00:59:25,936 You're familiar with this word, Mrs. Weaver. 1018 00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:28,355 Yes, I am. And I've spoken to Principal... 1019 00:59:28,523 --> 00:59:31,984 Asshole. As in someone who tells a woman that he'll call and never does. 1020 00:59:32,151 --> 00:59:33,151 CAL: Hmm. 1021 00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:36,280 Asshole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him... 1022 00:59:36,447 --> 00:59:38,824 ...but is actually full of shit like the rest of them. 1023 00:59:39,158 --> 00:59:41,535 - [WHISPERS] This is not about Robbie. - Mm-mm. 1024 00:59:41,703 --> 00:59:46,498 Asshole. As in someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes... 1025 00:59:46,666 --> 00:59:48,125 ...because he's nervous. 1026 00:59:48,293 --> 00:59:50,335 - All right, all right, all right. - Ew. Ew. Oh. 1027 00:59:50,503 --> 00:59:51,878 CAL: You know what? Know what? No. 1028 00:59:52,046 --> 00:59:53,547 Here's the deal. 1029 00:59:57,468 --> 00:59:59,219 - [WHISPERS] She's an alcoholic. - Aah! 1030 00:59:59,387 --> 01:00:01,471 EMILY: Oh, God. Okay. CAL: That's... I'm sorry. 1031 01:00:01,639 --> 01:00:03,140 - I'm sorry. God. EMILY: I gotta go. 1032 01:00:03,308 --> 01:00:04,975 KATE: Aah! - Oh, my God. Emily. God. 1033 01:00:05,768 --> 01:00:08,478 - Emily, Emily, wait. - Leave me alone, Cal. 1034 01:00:08,646 --> 01:00:13,275 KATE: I'm sober five years, asshole! 1035 01:00:14,652 --> 01:00:17,070 Okay, yeah, I did. I did. 1036 01:00:17,238 --> 01:00:20,240 I slept with our son's eighth-grade English teacher. 1037 01:00:20,408 --> 01:00:21,783 EMILY: I know. I know. 1038 01:00:21,951 --> 01:00:25,245 And I cheated, so I have no right to be angry. 1039 01:00:25,413 --> 01:00:28,290 Not the point. When we were married you were the only woman... 1040 01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:29,916 ...that I had ever slept with... 1041 01:00:30,084 --> 01:00:32,961 ...and now I have had sex with nine different women... God. 1042 01:00:35,006 --> 01:00:38,091 Nine? 1043 01:00:40,470 --> 01:00:41,762 Wow. 1044 01:00:44,932 --> 01:00:47,142 You showed me. 1045 01:00:52,106 --> 01:00:54,316 I wasn't trying to show you. 1046 01:00:56,069 --> 01:00:57,402 I was trying to move on. 1047 01:01:00,490 --> 01:01:02,407 But I don't want to. 1048 01:01:08,039 --> 01:01:10,290 You've always been the only one. 1049 01:01:13,336 --> 01:01:17,130 Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, asshole. 1050 01:01:22,428 --> 01:01:23,929 You said that to her? 1051 01:01:30,186 --> 01:01:32,062 I did, yes. 1052 01:01:33,314 --> 01:01:35,107 Who are you? 1053 01:01:42,990 --> 01:01:44,491 I'm your soul mate. 1054 01:01:45,827 --> 01:01:47,452 [ENGINE STARTS] 1055 01:02:00,967 --> 01:02:02,759 What a cliché. 1056 01:02:39,338 --> 01:02:40,839 RICHARD: You, get over here. Come on. 1057 01:02:41,174 --> 01:02:43,175 Yeah, yeah, give it up. Give it up for her. 1058 01:02:43,342 --> 01:02:44,718 Aw. 1059 01:02:44,886 --> 01:02:46,303 I'm so proud of you, baby. 1060 01:02:46,512 --> 01:02:48,221 I had my doubts, of course. 1061 01:02:48,431 --> 01:02:49,681 [ALL LAUGH] 1062 01:02:53,394 --> 01:02:58,523 Hannah, I did tell you that tonight would be a special night if you passed the bar. 1063 01:02:59,901 --> 01:03:00,942 So, Hannah... 1064 01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:07,365 ...I would like to formally ask you... 1065 01:03:07,533 --> 01:03:09,743 ...in front of all our friends and colleagues... 1066 01:03:10,286 --> 01:03:13,914 ...if you would like to become... 1067 01:03:14,373 --> 01:03:18,585 ...a permanent lawyer at the firm of Watkins, Goldberg and Schmidt? Huh? 1068 01:03:18,753 --> 01:03:21,213 How about that? Ha, ha. To you. 1069 01:03:22,131 --> 01:03:23,215 Whoo! 1070 01:03:25,510 --> 01:03:26,593 [RICHARD CHUCKLES] 1071 01:03:27,804 --> 01:03:29,596 What? 1072 01:03:30,473 --> 01:03:33,391 - I ju... Um... RICHARD: What, what is it? 1073 01:03:36,562 --> 01:03:40,941 I thought that you were gonna propose for some reason. 1074 01:03:41,150 --> 01:03:42,192 [BOTH CHUCKLE] 1075 01:03:42,360 --> 01:03:45,028 RICHARD: What? - Yeah. I know. I'm just... 1076 01:03:45,196 --> 01:03:46,738 It's just, uh, I'm a little thrown. 1077 01:03:46,906 --> 01:03:48,114 RICHARD: I'm sorry. 1078 01:03:48,950 --> 01:03:54,246 I didn't realize that you thought that we were there. 1079 01:03:54,413 --> 01:03:57,707 Oh, no. God, no. Don't be silly. I just... 1080 01:03:57,875 --> 01:04:00,502 I need some time, I think... 1081 01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:05,382 ...to figure out how I feel about us, you know? 1082 01:04:06,300 --> 01:04:09,302 Brrp. Long-term. 1083 01:04:10,972 --> 01:04:13,014 You need some time? 1084 01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:17,018 You need some time to figure out how you feel about us? Okay. 1085 01:04:17,186 --> 01:04:18,228 Honey? 1086 01:04:18,396 --> 01:04:20,522 [LAUGHS] 1087 01:04:22,149 --> 01:04:25,110 - Wow. Ha-ha-ha. - Ha, ha. Wow. 1088 01:04:26,195 --> 01:04:29,197 - Ahem. - Wow. Huh. 1089 01:04:29,365 --> 01:04:30,407 Wow. 1090 01:04:30,575 --> 01:04:31,950 [HANNAH LAUGHING] 1091 01:04:32,118 --> 01:04:34,661 This is actually really funny. I'm just... Next level. 1092 01:04:34,829 --> 01:04:36,454 - Is this yours? Is this yours? MAN: Yes. 1093 01:04:37,456 --> 01:04:39,708 Mm. Mm. 1094 01:04:39,876 --> 01:04:41,042 RICHARD: Honey? 1095 01:04:42,003 --> 01:04:43,670 - Is this gin? MAN: Yes. 1096 01:04:46,340 --> 01:04:48,174 - There's, like, no water in that. - Yeah. 1097 01:04:49,760 --> 01:04:52,053 RICHARD: Great. - Mm. Aah, I hate gin. 1098 01:04:52,638 --> 01:04:54,723 Wow, you know what? Thank you, Richard. 1099 01:04:54,891 --> 01:04:59,227 Honestly, thank you very much for your job offer. I will consider it. 1100 01:04:59,979 --> 01:05:00,979 Hannah Banana. 1101 01:05:01,689 --> 01:05:04,357 LIZ: Whoo! Ha, ha. - Banana. Hannah. 1102 01:05:10,990 --> 01:05:13,199 WOMAN: Do you wanna buy me a drink? JACOB: Yes. 1103 01:05:13,367 --> 01:05:15,827 - It's nicer that way. Right? HANNAH: You. 1104 01:05:41,854 --> 01:05:42,854 You remember me? 1105 01:05:44,190 --> 01:05:45,231 Yeah. 1106 01:05:45,399 --> 01:05:47,567 - You still find me attractive? - Yes. 1107 01:05:47,735 --> 01:05:49,444 HANNAH: Still wanna take me home? 1108 01:05:50,905 --> 01:05:51,947 Yeah. 1109 01:05:54,700 --> 01:05:55,742 Let's go. 1110 01:06:20,434 --> 01:06:23,436 [DORIS TROY'S "JUST ONE LOOK" PLAYING ON STEREO] 1111 01:06:30,403 --> 01:06:31,820 Just one look 1112 01:06:33,572 --> 01:06:35,907 And I fell so hard 1113 01:06:36,075 --> 01:06:37,242 Here. 1114 01:06:39,245 --> 01:06:41,746 I really like this song. This was a good choice. Yeah. 1115 01:06:41,914 --> 01:06:44,249 - Good song. You never hear this song. - Mm-hm. Mm-mm. 1116 01:06:44,417 --> 01:06:45,458 Love this song. 1117 01:06:45,626 --> 01:06:47,377 [CHUCKLES] 1118 01:06:48,504 --> 01:06:49,671 JACOB: Cheers. 1119 01:06:51,674 --> 01:06:56,970 How good it feels 1120 01:06:57,138 --> 01:06:58,304 Ugh. 1121 01:07:00,141 --> 01:07:01,433 That's not my drink. 1122 01:07:01,600 --> 01:07:03,309 Your love 1123 01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:05,687 Mm. Mm. 1124 01:07:06,605 --> 01:07:07,647 Ugh. 1125 01:07:10,067 --> 01:07:12,277 It's not my favorite. Thank you. 1126 01:07:14,488 --> 01:07:16,281 Forever 1127 01:07:18,325 --> 01:07:21,661 And always 1128 01:07:21,829 --> 01:07:24,789 - So is this how it normally works? - What? 1129 01:07:24,957 --> 01:07:27,625 You put on the perfect song, you make them a drink. 1130 01:07:27,793 --> 01:07:31,129 And I knew 1131 01:07:31,297 --> 01:07:32,714 And then you sleep together. 1132 01:07:32,923 --> 01:07:34,215 That you 1133 01:07:35,342 --> 01:07:36,885 Um... 1134 01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:38,094 Yeah. 1135 01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:41,681 I'm very nervous. 1136 01:07:42,475 --> 01:07:43,933 I'm getting that. 1137 01:07:44,518 --> 01:07:47,228 Okay. Because I know I seemed confident back at the bar... 1138 01:07:47,396 --> 01:07:51,816 ...but that was mostly just because I was cold and wet... 1139 01:07:51,984 --> 01:07:54,486 ...and trying to be dramatic a little bit. 1140 01:07:55,321 --> 01:07:56,362 You're adorable. 1141 01:07:57,531 --> 01:07:58,573 No. 1142 01:07:58,949 --> 01:08:00,200 I am sexy. 1143 01:08:00,367 --> 01:08:02,494 - I am R-rated sexy. - Mm-hm. 1144 01:08:02,661 --> 01:08:06,122 Okay, I know what happens in the PG-13 version of tonight, all right? I know. 1145 01:08:06,290 --> 01:08:10,418 It's that I get really drunk and then I pass out. 1146 01:08:10,586 --> 01:08:13,671 You cover me with a blanket, kiss me on the cheek, nothing happens. 1147 01:08:13,839 --> 01:08:16,007 But that's not why I'm here. 1148 01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:21,054 I am here to bang the hot guy that hit on me at the bar. 1149 01:08:22,681 --> 01:08:24,682 - Jacob. - Jacob. 1150 01:08:25,976 --> 01:08:27,936 - Are people still saying "bang"? - I do. 1151 01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:30,438 We are gonna bang. Hmm? 1152 01:08:30,606 --> 01:08:31,981 This is happening. 1153 01:08:32,733 --> 01:08:34,234 - Take off your shirt. - Why? 1154 01:08:34,401 --> 01:08:38,029 Please, will you take off your shirt? I can't stop thinking. I need to just... 1155 01:08:38,197 --> 01:08:40,448 - Okay, okay, okay. - All right, okay, okay, okay. 1156 01:08:48,874 --> 01:08:50,041 Fuck. 1157 01:08:50,209 --> 01:08:53,211 Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. 1158 01:08:55,297 --> 01:08:56,381 Can I...? 1159 01:08:57,424 --> 01:08:59,384 JACOB: Aah. You have cold hands. 1160 01:09:00,803 --> 01:09:02,345 - Now you take off your dress. - No. 1161 01:09:02,513 --> 01:09:05,348 - Yes. - No. Not with that going on. No, thank you. 1162 01:09:05,516 --> 01:09:08,017 Is there dim lighting somewhere? Oh, God. 1163 01:09:09,395 --> 01:09:12,647 Okay, so then what do we do? What happens now? Like, logistically? 1164 01:09:12,815 --> 01:09:15,692 - What's your move? - What do you mean, what's my move? 1165 01:09:15,901 --> 01:09:18,528 - What's your move? Your big move? - I got lots of moves. 1166 01:09:18,696 --> 01:09:20,530 - What's your big move? - I'm not telling. 1167 01:09:20,698 --> 01:09:23,241 - Tell me your move. - You're not ready for the big move. 1168 01:09:23,409 --> 01:09:25,618 - Yes, I am. - You can't handle the big move. 1169 01:09:25,786 --> 01:09:29,164 - Tell me your big move. - I work Dirty Dancing into the conversation. 1170 01:09:31,167 --> 01:09:33,042 Dirty Dancing? 1171 01:09:33,210 --> 01:09:35,295 - Can I sit down, please? - Yeah. 1172 01:09:35,462 --> 01:09:37,213 - Can I put back on my shirt? - No. 1173 01:09:37,381 --> 01:09:39,716 Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it? 1174 01:09:39,884 --> 01:09:44,095 You know the big move at the end where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey? 1175 01:09:44,263 --> 01:09:46,139 - Yeah. - I can do that. 1176 01:09:47,516 --> 01:09:50,059 - Okay. - So I tell girls I can do the move. 1177 01:09:50,227 --> 01:09:53,938 I put on the song "Time of Your Life." I do the big move. 1178 01:09:54,607 --> 01:09:56,399 And they always wanna have sex with me. 1179 01:09:56,567 --> 01:09:59,569 Oh, my God. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 1180 01:09:59,737 --> 01:10:01,988 I agree. But it works every time. 1181 01:10:02,948 --> 01:10:04,240 That would not work on me. 1182 01:10:07,328 --> 01:10:09,829 [BILL MEDLEY AND JENNIFER WARNES' "THE TIME OF MY LIFE" PLAYING] 1183 01:10:09,997 --> 01:10:12,707 Oh, God, this is ridiculous. I don't wanna do it. 1184 01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:13,917 Come on. 1185 01:10:14,084 --> 01:10:15,960 This is beyond ridiculous. 1186 01:10:16,128 --> 01:10:17,629 - Run and jump. - No. 1187 01:10:17,796 --> 01:10:19,464 - Yeah. Come on. - No, thank you. 1188 01:10:20,674 --> 01:10:22,467 Thank God I'm drunk. Here we go. 1189 01:10:23,344 --> 01:10:26,346 [SHRIEKING] 1190 01:10:26,513 --> 01:10:32,936 'Cause I've had the time of my life 1191 01:10:33,103 --> 01:10:37,649 And I owe it all to you 1192 01:10:43,989 --> 01:10:45,990 I've been waiting for so long 1193 01:10:46,158 --> 01:10:50,703 Now I've finally found someone To stand by me 1194 01:10:53,457 --> 01:10:56,084 Ahem. So do you prefer to do it here or in the bedroom? 1195 01:10:56,252 --> 01:10:57,418 The bedroom is preferred. 1196 01:10:57,586 --> 01:11:00,338 Mm-hm. Yeah, okay. Let's go there. 1197 01:11:13,727 --> 01:11:16,729 [INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 1198 01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:35,081 HANNAH: This pillow... 1199 01:11:36,542 --> 01:11:39,836 ...forms perfectly to the shape of my head. 1200 01:11:42,131 --> 01:11:43,298 Yeah. 1201 01:11:48,178 --> 01:11:50,763 Is this one of those foam pillows from Brookstone? 1202 01:11:50,931 --> 01:11:51,973 [JACOB SIGHS] 1203 01:11:52,141 --> 01:11:53,224 Yeah. 1204 01:11:53,559 --> 01:11:55,727 - Yeah? Oh. - Yeah. 1205 01:11:56,687 --> 01:11:59,314 I always wondered who buys those kind of... 1206 01:11:59,815 --> 01:12:02,859 The hot guy from the bar buys these. Of course. 1207 01:12:03,068 --> 01:12:04,569 - Jacob. - Mm-hm, Jacob. Sorry about that. 1208 01:12:04,737 --> 01:12:05,778 Good. 1209 01:12:06,989 --> 01:12:08,865 I'm sorry, continue. 1210 01:12:28,177 --> 01:12:33,056 You don't have one of those ridiculous, um, massage chairs, do you? 1211 01:12:33,223 --> 01:12:34,599 [JACOB SIGHS] 1212 01:12:37,603 --> 01:12:38,811 - You do? - No. 1213 01:12:38,979 --> 01:12:40,605 - Yes, you do. - Yeah, I do. 1214 01:12:40,773 --> 01:12:43,316 - Ha-ha-ha. Oh, my God. - I don't. I don't. I do. 1215 01:12:43,484 --> 01:12:45,610 Who would have that? I would. I have that. 1216 01:12:46,028 --> 01:12:47,612 - How much was it? - Five thousand dollars. 1217 01:12:47,780 --> 01:12:49,197 [LAUGHING] 1218 01:12:49,365 --> 01:12:50,990 Ask me how many times I've used it. 1219 01:12:51,158 --> 01:12:53,326 - How many times have you used it? - Twice. 1220 01:12:54,119 --> 01:12:55,828 That's $2500 a massage. 1221 01:12:55,996 --> 01:12:57,622 Twice. 1222 01:12:57,956 --> 01:13:01,125 - Where is it? - It's in the garage. 1223 01:13:01,960 --> 01:13:03,419 Can I sit in the massage chair? 1224 01:13:03,587 --> 01:13:06,589 [CHAIR HUMMING] 1225 01:13:08,258 --> 01:13:09,759 I hate it. 1226 01:13:10,844 --> 01:13:14,305 The Home Shopping Network. But I'm addic... I buy... I'm just the worst. 1227 01:13:14,473 --> 01:13:15,973 - Do you have a Slap Chop? - Yes. 1228 01:13:16,141 --> 01:13:18,142 - The knife that cuts through the penny? - Yes. 1229 01:13:18,310 --> 01:13:21,145 - Ha-ha-ha. What else do you have? - Coin Bears. 1230 01:13:21,313 --> 01:13:23,648 Coin Bears? You don't have Coin Bears. 1231 01:13:23,816 --> 01:13:25,608 I have a whole set from each state. 1232 01:13:25,776 --> 01:13:27,193 You have 50 Coin Bears? 1233 01:13:27,361 --> 01:13:29,821 - They have a coin in their foot. - You stay up nights. 1234 01:13:29,988 --> 01:13:31,572 I am wildly unhappy. 1235 01:13:31,740 --> 01:13:32,990 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1236 01:13:33,158 --> 01:13:36,536 I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working. 1237 01:13:36,703 --> 01:13:39,038 - Were you smart in school? - A little bossy, yeah. 1238 01:13:39,206 --> 01:13:43,793 But I won a spelling bee and my dad cried at the spelling bee. 1239 01:13:43,961 --> 01:13:45,837 - No way. That's nice. - Mm-hm. 1240 01:13:46,004 --> 01:13:48,089 - What word did you win on? - It was so stupid. 1241 01:13:48,257 --> 01:13:51,342 [IMITATING LAUREN BACALL] I love curling up with a rich cup of coffee. 1242 01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:54,178 What, you think coffee and sleep don't mix? 1243 01:13:54,346 --> 01:13:58,558 Well, they do if it's High Point. It's decaffeinated. 1244 01:13:58,725 --> 01:14:01,102 And the flavor is marvelous. 1245 01:14:01,270 --> 01:14:03,688 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Do you have that mold that makes cakes...? 1246 01:14:03,856 --> 01:14:04,897 I have calf pants. 1247 01:14:05,065 --> 01:14:07,024 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1248 01:14:07,192 --> 01:14:09,735 I have pants just for my calves. Calf pants. 1249 01:14:09,903 --> 01:14:12,572 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1250 01:14:14,575 --> 01:14:15,992 [HANNAH SNORTS] 1251 01:14:17,411 --> 01:14:18,870 Oh, my God. 1252 01:14:22,040 --> 01:14:23,958 Could you do me a favor? 1253 01:14:24,418 --> 01:14:25,960 - What? - Will you do me a kindness? 1254 01:14:26,128 --> 01:14:27,545 HANNAH: Mm. 1255 01:14:27,713 --> 01:14:32,717 Will you ask me something personal about myself? 1256 01:14:32,885 --> 01:14:35,887 Hmm. Okay, fine. I'll do it. And then we bang. 1257 01:14:36,054 --> 01:14:37,346 Yes. 1258 01:14:37,514 --> 01:14:38,723 What's your mother like? 1259 01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:44,562 My mom is very beautiful. 1260 01:14:44,730 --> 01:14:47,899 Um... Very vain. 1261 01:14:48,734 --> 01:14:50,359 Very smart. 1262 01:14:51,153 --> 01:14:52,445 Cold. 1263 01:14:52,654 --> 01:14:54,155 And your dad? 1264 01:14:55,115 --> 01:14:56,157 Um... 1265 01:14:57,493 --> 01:15:00,161 He died a long time ago. 1266 01:15:01,580 --> 01:15:03,414 He was such a sweet guy. 1267 01:15:03,582 --> 01:15:05,416 He was probably too sweet. 1268 01:15:08,086 --> 01:15:10,880 Very successful in business. 1269 01:15:11,048 --> 01:15:16,302 He made a lot of money, which is why I have all this stuff. 1270 01:15:16,470 --> 01:15:18,262 But he was soft. 1271 01:15:19,348 --> 01:15:22,058 Just too soft, too sensitive. 1272 01:15:22,267 --> 01:15:26,604 And, you know, Dad, he couldn't really handle my mother... 1273 01:15:26,772 --> 01:15:29,565 ...and didn't really make an effort. 1274 01:15:59,721 --> 01:16:00,763 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1275 01:16:00,931 --> 01:16:02,640 CAL [OVER MACHINE]: Hey, Jacob, it's Cal. 1276 01:16:02,933 --> 01:16:04,308 Where are you? 1277 01:16:04,476 --> 01:16:07,645 Remember the first woman I picked up, that teacher? 1278 01:16:07,813 --> 01:16:09,480 Well, I have a story to tell you about her. 1279 01:16:09,648 --> 01:16:10,648 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1280 01:16:10,816 --> 01:16:13,693 CAL: It's been a week. I haven't heard from you. Should I be concerned? 1281 01:16:13,860 --> 01:16:16,320 I am imagining you suffocating under a pile of women. Call me. 1282 01:16:16,488 --> 01:16:17,488 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 1283 01:16:17,656 --> 01:16:19,824 Oh. Yeah, hey, it's me again. 1284 01:16:20,826 --> 01:16:23,202 Left like a hundred messages. 1285 01:16:25,831 --> 01:16:29,333 Listen, if this is a Miyagi thing, I'm not getting it, so... 1286 01:16:30,335 --> 01:16:32,336 Call me back, please. Thanks. 1287 01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:59,280 DAVID: Been to St. Louis? EMILY: No, I haven't. 1288 01:16:59,448 --> 01:17:03,409 DAVID: I always dreamt of playing shortstop for the St. Louis Cardinals, actually... 1289 01:17:03,577 --> 01:17:06,662 ...but I couldn't hit a curveball, so I did the next best thing. 1290 01:17:06,872 --> 01:17:08,414 Yeah, you became an accountant. 1291 01:17:08,582 --> 01:17:09,832 Right. Exactly. 1292 01:17:10,000 --> 01:17:12,627 I mean, the money's not as good, but there's less travel. 1293 01:17:12,794 --> 01:17:13,836 Mm. Ha, ha. 1294 01:17:14,004 --> 01:17:16,380 - I was gonna be a ballerina. - Really? 1295 01:17:16,548 --> 01:17:18,799 So tell me, what is it with women and ballerinas? 1296 01:17:18,967 --> 01:17:21,302 I just pictured myself in the ballet. 1297 01:17:21,470 --> 01:17:24,096 It's not like I had a lot of training or anything. 1298 01:17:24,264 --> 01:17:26,932 I mean, I actually never really had a lesson... 1299 01:17:27,100 --> 01:17:30,561 ...and, um, haven't seen a ballet. 1300 01:17:31,146 --> 01:17:32,647 You've never been to the ballet? 1301 01:17:32,814 --> 01:17:35,024 - Mm-mm. DAVID: Wow. 1302 01:17:35,192 --> 01:17:38,444 - I'd love to take you to the ballet. - You'd love to go to the ballet? 1303 01:17:38,612 --> 01:17:41,989 I didn't say that. I'd love to take you to the ballet. I'd drop you off. 1304 01:17:42,157 --> 01:17:45,117 Later on I'd pick you up and we could go to a ball game. 1305 01:17:45,285 --> 01:17:46,410 EMILY: Oh, I get it. 1306 01:17:46,578 --> 01:17:49,455 [BOTH LAUGH] 1307 01:17:49,623 --> 01:17:52,541 EMILY: Ha, ha. - I had a lot of fun tonight. 1308 01:17:54,252 --> 01:17:57,129 You like sushi? I know this really great little sushi place... 1309 01:17:57,297 --> 01:17:58,339 EMILY: I don't eat sushi. 1310 01:17:58,507 --> 01:18:00,925 - That we're never gonna go to because I hate sushi. 1311 01:18:01,093 --> 01:18:03,177 [LAUGHS] 1312 01:18:10,977 --> 01:18:12,937 Oh, hi. Hi, Jess. 1313 01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:15,606 Uh, this is my work friend, David. 1314 01:18:15,774 --> 01:18:17,316 David is an accountant. 1315 01:18:17,484 --> 01:18:19,610 David, this is Jessica, my babysitter. 1316 01:18:20,195 --> 01:18:21,278 Uh... 1317 01:18:22,572 --> 01:18:24,949 So, you know, everything looks great. 1318 01:18:25,117 --> 01:18:28,160 Spreadsheets. 1319 01:18:31,707 --> 01:18:32,832 See you at work. 1320 01:18:32,999 --> 01:18:34,625 Yeah, see you at work. 1321 01:18:39,214 --> 01:18:40,923 So how was dinner? 1322 01:18:41,091 --> 01:18:43,384 - Oh, well, you know, it was just for work. - Yeah. 1323 01:18:43,552 --> 01:18:47,096 - That's a really pretty dress. - Thank you. What do I owe you? 1324 01:18:47,723 --> 01:18:50,933 Do you know that your kids are the only ones that I babysit for... 1325 01:18:51,101 --> 01:18:54,729 ...that wanna stay awake so that they can see their dad when he gets home? 1326 01:18:55,814 --> 01:19:00,401 Yeah, I mean, they fight with everything they have to keep their eyes open. 1327 01:19:00,569 --> 01:19:02,194 And don't get me wrong... 1328 01:19:02,362 --> 01:19:07,074 ...no, your kids are really excited to see you when you get home too, Ms. Weaver... 1329 01:19:08,201 --> 01:19:11,328 ...but not a lot wanna stay up for Dad. 1330 01:19:14,082 --> 01:19:16,208 Honey, what are you trying to say? 1331 01:19:16,376 --> 01:19:17,460 Batshit crazy. 1332 01:19:17,627 --> 01:19:19,462 Jessica, uh, what...? 1333 01:19:19,629 --> 01:19:22,214 - Let me give you... - I don't want your slutty money. 1334 01:19:22,382 --> 01:19:26,135 Sweetheart, what's the pro...? What's wrong? 1335 01:19:27,846 --> 01:19:31,140 "Slutty money"? 1336 01:20:58,728 --> 01:21:00,563 [DOORBELL RINGS] 1337 01:21:27,382 --> 01:21:28,424 EMILY: Kids. 1338 01:21:31,386 --> 01:21:34,597 Kids. Ice cream. 1339 01:21:40,562 --> 01:21:41,729 [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 1340 01:21:44,190 --> 01:21:48,277 MOLLY: I knew it. I knew it. - Yeah. I'll be right back. 1341 01:22:01,499 --> 01:22:02,541 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 1342 01:22:02,709 --> 01:22:04,501 Oh, shit. Oh, God. 1343 01:22:05,211 --> 01:22:07,129 [BUZZING] 1344 01:22:09,341 --> 01:22:10,674 [CLEARS THROAT] 1345 01:22:17,015 --> 01:22:18,015 Hello? 1346 01:22:18,183 --> 01:22:20,059 - [OVER PHONE] Hi, Cal. - Hi. 1347 01:22:20,727 --> 01:22:22,061 Um... 1348 01:22:23,355 --> 01:22:24,563 So... 1349 01:22:24,731 --> 01:22:28,400 ...I'm just calling, um... 1350 01:22:30,195 --> 01:22:33,030 ...because I'm in the basement... 1351 01:22:33,198 --> 01:22:36,033 ...and I'm trying to get the water heater working, um... 1352 01:22:37,619 --> 01:22:41,246 ...because the pilot light's out and I don't know how to relight it. 1353 01:22:42,040 --> 01:22:43,666 So I'm sorry to bother you. 1354 01:22:43,833 --> 01:22:47,378 No, no. It's fine. That's fine. Call me... 1355 01:22:48,213 --> 01:22:50,464 I'm glad you called about this. 1356 01:22:50,632 --> 01:22:52,925 - I'll just walk you through it, okay? - Okay. 1357 01:22:53,093 --> 01:22:54,218 [CLEARS THROAT] 1358 01:22:54,386 --> 01:22:58,639 All right, so there's a gray door. You see the gray door? 1359 01:22:58,807 --> 01:23:01,892 - Yeah. - Okay, just slide that down. 1360 01:23:03,186 --> 01:23:04,228 Okay. 1361 01:23:04,396 --> 01:23:07,481 There's a red button with the word "push" on it. 1362 01:23:07,649 --> 01:23:09,608 I wrote the word "push" on it? 1363 01:23:10,110 --> 01:23:14,238 So you push it. And you turn it to the right. 1364 01:23:14,406 --> 01:23:15,739 I got it. 1365 01:23:16,241 --> 01:23:18,117 And then just put the match in. 1366 01:23:21,204 --> 01:23:22,913 Oh, there it goes. 1367 01:23:23,581 --> 01:23:27,126 Just have to slide the gray door down again and you're good to go. 1368 01:23:28,545 --> 01:23:29,837 Oh. 1369 01:23:33,425 --> 01:23:36,260 Well, thanks, Cal. I appreciate your help. 1370 01:23:36,428 --> 01:23:40,180 Oh, you know what? Just call anytime with stuff like that. That's... 1371 01:23:41,599 --> 01:23:43,851 Oh, yeah. Uh... 1372 01:23:44,019 --> 01:23:45,352 Yeah. Oh. 1373 01:23:45,979 --> 01:23:47,187 Sure. 1374 01:23:47,897 --> 01:23:49,606 So I'll talk to you soon. 1375 01:23:50,275 --> 01:23:52,109 Yeah, and, um... 1376 01:23:54,279 --> 01:23:55,654 Thanks again. 1377 01:23:55,822 --> 01:23:58,449 No, that's... My pleasure. 1378 01:24:01,327 --> 01:24:02,786 Don't want you to blow up the house. 1379 01:24:02,954 --> 01:24:04,204 [EMILY & CAL CHUCKLE] 1380 01:24:05,957 --> 01:24:08,333 Bye. 1381 01:24:26,936 --> 01:24:29,146 MOLLY: Dad, can we go to McDonald's? CAL: Uh, no. 1382 01:24:29,314 --> 01:24:30,439 MOLLY: Why not? 1383 01:24:31,941 --> 01:24:33,233 CAL: Check it out. 1384 01:24:33,401 --> 01:24:35,486 ROBBIE: Only reason they play them is they're catchy. 1385 01:24:35,653 --> 01:24:37,529 - Thank you. CASHIER: Here you go, sir. 1386 01:24:37,697 --> 01:24:39,198 Now, does it come in sheets...? 1387 01:24:39,365 --> 01:24:42,576 Oh, yeah, it's a 4 by 8. Standard 4 by 8, your 3/4 inch stock. Yeah. 1388 01:24:42,744 --> 01:24:45,662 - Now, this is for my wife. - Oh. That's nice. 1389 01:24:45,830 --> 01:24:46,997 MOLLY: It has curtains. 1390 01:24:47,165 --> 01:24:48,457 - Oh, hey, Cal. CAL: Hey, Bernie. 1391 01:24:48,625 --> 01:24:50,334 MOLLY: Hi, Mr. Riley. ROBBIE: Hi, Mr. Riley. 1392 01:24:50,502 --> 01:24:51,502 - How's it going? - Oh, good. 1393 01:24:51,669 --> 01:24:54,671 I'd love to catch up, but I'm doing something to the house later. 1394 01:24:54,839 --> 01:24:56,173 Kind of in a rush. 1395 01:24:56,341 --> 01:24:57,841 Thanks for the cologne. 1396 01:24:58,009 --> 01:24:59,676 BERNIE: Do you know if this is chintz? 1397 01:24:59,844 --> 01:25:01,011 [CELL PHONE RINGS] 1398 01:25:01,179 --> 01:25:02,596 CAL: Hello? JACOB [OVER PHONE]: Cal. 1399 01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:04,640 - Jacob. - [OVER PHONE] Oh, my God, it's alive. 1400 01:25:04,808 --> 01:25:07,226 Hey, sorry I kind of dropped off the grid there, pal. 1401 01:25:07,393 --> 01:25:09,895 You left me in my hour of need, my friend. 1402 01:25:10,063 --> 01:25:11,105 Yeah, well... 1403 01:25:11,272 --> 01:25:14,358 ...I'm in a bit of a situation. 1404 01:25:14,526 --> 01:25:16,068 A pickle, if you will. 1405 01:25:16,236 --> 01:25:18,278 - I got no one else to call. - Ha, ha. 1406 01:25:18,696 --> 01:25:20,697 - I met a girl. - Oh, really? 1407 01:25:20,865 --> 01:25:24,118 JACOB: I'm spending all this time with her and she is a game changer. 1408 01:25:24,285 --> 01:25:26,328 She's a game changer? No way. 1409 01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:28,747 So much so I'm going to meet her mother right now. 1410 01:25:28,915 --> 01:25:32,084 A mother and daughter. That's very Wilt Chamberlain-esque, even for you. 1411 01:25:32,252 --> 01:25:33,752 - What is the matter with you? - Ha, ha. 1412 01:25:33,920 --> 01:25:36,046 I don't know what to do. I need some advice. 1413 01:25:36,214 --> 01:25:40,050 You might actually have to answer some personal questions about yourself. 1414 01:25:40,218 --> 01:25:42,427 You gotta smile a lot. You've gotta be charming. 1415 01:25:42,595 --> 01:25:43,720 Definitely don't be yourself. 1416 01:25:43,888 --> 01:25:45,722 That's what you've got for me, don't be myself? 1417 01:25:45,890 --> 01:25:48,475 - Ha-ha-ha. - Great. Thanks for nothing. 1418 01:25:48,643 --> 01:25:49,935 Do you wanna get a? 1419 01:25:50,895 --> 01:25:52,896 Do you wanna get a beer next week? 1420 01:25:53,064 --> 01:25:54,815 You have my number. 1421 01:25:54,983 --> 01:25:57,609 And, you know, don't worry about tonight. You'll be fine. 1422 01:25:57,777 --> 01:26:00,320 - Good for you, by the way. - See you, buddy. 1423 01:26:00,905 --> 01:26:03,949 Honk. You gotta get that fixed. 1424 01:26:05,743 --> 01:26:08,412 - Okay. All right. - Let's go. 1425 01:26:30,185 --> 01:26:31,310 [GASPS] 1426 01:26:31,477 --> 01:26:32,853 Va-jay-jay. 1427 01:26:49,370 --> 01:26:51,872 MAN 1 [ON TV]: Out of this fourth inning with just one run in. 1428 01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:56,376 MAN 2 [ON TV]: He's right on the verge of a big hit knocking him out of the game here. 1429 01:26:56,586 --> 01:26:59,504 He's staying in there, very competitive today. 1430 01:27:19,442 --> 01:27:22,236 JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. 1431 01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:25,822 No, leave him. Let him go. He can handle it. Let him go. 1432 01:27:25,990 --> 01:27:28,325 Honey! Get out of my purse. Stay out of my purse! 1433 01:27:28,493 --> 01:27:32,454 Do not take those keys! Do not take those keys! I'm not letting you take those keys. 1434 01:27:32,622 --> 01:27:35,249 You're not following your father! Stop it! 1435 01:27:35,416 --> 01:27:38,543 No! No! Let your father handle it. You're not to see that man again! 1436 01:27:38,711 --> 01:27:39,836 That man's a pervert! 1437 01:27:40,004 --> 01:27:41,255 - Stay out of it! - No! 1438 01:27:41,422 --> 01:27:43,006 Is that pervert sexting you? 1439 01:27:43,424 --> 01:27:44,466 Hey, baby. 1440 01:27:45,093 --> 01:27:46,176 What are you wearing? 1441 01:27:46,344 --> 01:27:49,513 Dad's here. I have to blindfold you. 1442 01:27:49,681 --> 01:27:52,266 - Why? What's he doing? - Just come on. 1443 01:27:55,561 --> 01:27:57,020 [HORN HONKING] 1444 01:28:01,150 --> 01:28:02,192 [TIRES SCREECH] 1445 01:28:02,360 --> 01:28:04,194 [GASPING] 1446 01:28:04,362 --> 01:28:05,654 Hate this. Bad. 1447 01:28:07,365 --> 01:28:09,241 EMILY: Is this something I'm gonna have to clean up? 1448 01:28:09,409 --> 01:28:11,368 ROBBIE: Mom, no, don't worry about it. Keep going. 1449 01:28:11,536 --> 01:28:14,037 EMILY: Honey, honey, I really can't see. ROBBIE: Mom, I got you. 1450 01:28:14,205 --> 01:28:16,707 Two. Right now we're on the ground. One more step. 1451 01:28:16,874 --> 01:28:18,208 - Three. - Three. Yay. 1452 01:28:18,376 --> 01:28:20,544 Mom, no more steps. We're on the ground. 1453 01:28:20,712 --> 01:28:23,714 Mom, relax. It's your husband, not al Qaeda. 1454 01:28:23,881 --> 01:28:24,881 Hi, Em. 1455 01:28:25,049 --> 01:28:27,551 EMILY: Oh, hey. Can I take this off now, please? 1456 01:28:27,719 --> 01:28:29,553 - Nope, not yet. - Oh, what's this? 1457 01:28:29,721 --> 01:28:30,721 [MOLLY GIGGLES] 1458 01:28:30,888 --> 01:28:32,556 - I hear you, gigglepuss. - Do it. 1459 01:28:34,976 --> 01:28:36,393 [CAL CLEARS THROAT] 1460 01:28:36,561 --> 01:28:38,937 May I have your attention? 1461 01:28:39,105 --> 01:28:41,940 [SPANDAU BALLET'S "TRUE" PLAYING ON STEREO] 1462 01:28:42,108 --> 01:28:46,903 Many years ago, in the hallway of Woodside Middle School... 1463 01:28:47,071 --> 01:28:50,407 ...Cal Weaver saw Emily Boyle for the first time. 1464 01:28:50,575 --> 01:28:53,535 Cal, are you seriously gonna do this in front of the kids? 1465 01:28:53,703 --> 01:28:54,745 Mm-hm. 1466 01:28:54,912 --> 01:28:58,081 If anything goes wrong I'm supposed to take her upstairs and put the TV on loud. 1467 01:28:58,499 --> 01:29:01,585 All right. Well, we may as well wait for your daughter. 1468 01:29:01,753 --> 01:29:04,421 - She's right here. - No, no, no. I mean our other daughter. 1469 01:29:04,589 --> 01:29:05,881 HANNAH: Hello? - Nanna. 1470 01:29:06,049 --> 01:29:08,425 - Hi, guys. EMILY: Hi, sweetheart. 1471 01:29:08,593 --> 01:29:10,344 CAL: Hi. HANNAH: What's going on? 1472 01:29:10,511 --> 01:29:14,264 EMILY: Oh, I don't know. Some game. He won't let me take this dumb blindfold off. 1473 01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:16,016 - Cal? - Is that him? 1474 01:29:16,434 --> 01:29:17,601 What are you doing here? 1475 01:29:17,769 --> 01:29:20,729 - What are you doing here? - Wait, do you guys know each other? 1476 01:29:20,897 --> 01:29:22,898 - What's going on? - What are you doing here? 1477 01:29:23,066 --> 01:29:25,233 ROBBIE: Hey, Nanna. - Hi, Robbie. 1478 01:29:25,401 --> 01:29:26,818 - Hey, Nanna. - Hi, cutie. 1479 01:29:26,986 --> 01:29:28,362 Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. 1480 01:29:28,529 --> 01:29:31,073 I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna. 1481 01:29:31,240 --> 01:29:32,949 - I'm sorry, what's a Nanna? HANNAH: I am. 1482 01:29:33,117 --> 01:29:35,243 I couldn't say Hannah. How do you know my dad? 1483 01:29:35,411 --> 01:29:37,621 EMILY: She couldn't say her H's at all. 1484 01:29:37,789 --> 01:29:40,791 Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now. 1485 01:29:41,459 --> 01:29:45,420 - Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend. CAL: No, it's not. 1486 01:29:45,588 --> 01:29:48,298 - I was bringing him over to meet Mom. - No. No. No, no, no. 1487 01:29:48,466 --> 01:29:50,550 EMILY: I wanna see the boyfriend. - I can't breathe. 1488 01:29:50,718 --> 01:29:51,885 EMILY: Can I take this off? 1489 01:29:52,053 --> 01:29:54,554 Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up? 1490 01:29:54,764 --> 01:29:57,224 I was 17. That's why we had to get married so young. 1491 01:29:57,392 --> 01:30:00,352 - You should have told me. - Never wanted me to talk about my children. 1492 01:30:00,520 --> 01:30:03,939 - Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now. - That's fine. Why don't you go do that? 1493 01:30:04,107 --> 01:30:05,482 - Yeah. Can I come? - No. 1494 01:30:05,650 --> 01:30:07,943 So you guys, like, really know each other, then. 1495 01:30:08,111 --> 01:30:10,737 Oh, screw it. This is ridiculous. 1496 01:30:10,905 --> 01:30:12,781 - Honey, he's really cute. - No, he's not. 1497 01:30:12,949 --> 01:30:15,534 Look at you. You're really a mother? I don't believe it, sister. 1498 01:30:16,035 --> 01:30:18,328 Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing. 1499 01:30:18,496 --> 01:30:20,872 You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together? 1500 01:30:21,040 --> 01:30:23,041 - Yeah. - No way. Break up right now. 1501 01:30:23,418 --> 01:30:25,168 - Daddy? - Please don't call him that. 1502 01:30:26,003 --> 01:30:28,588 - Cal, that's not gonna happen. - Then I will mess you up. 1503 01:30:28,798 --> 01:30:29,881 - Dad. - Cal. 1504 01:30:30,049 --> 01:30:31,091 - Cal. - Jessica? 1505 01:30:31,259 --> 01:30:32,300 Bernie? 1506 01:30:32,468 --> 01:30:33,844 [CAL & BERNIE GRUNT] 1507 01:30:34,011 --> 01:30:35,137 Daddy, no. 1508 01:30:35,304 --> 01:30:38,223 I let her babysit for you, you son of a bitch. 1509 01:30:39,016 --> 01:30:41,560 - She's only 17 years old. - What are you talking about? 1510 01:30:41,727 --> 01:30:43,687 - Oh, God. CAL: No idea what you're talking about. 1511 01:30:43,855 --> 01:30:44,980 - Aah! EMILY: Bernie. 1512 01:30:45,148 --> 01:30:48,275 Daddy, no. No, no, no. Stop it. 1513 01:30:48,443 --> 01:30:50,235 [WOMEN SHOUTING] 1514 01:30:50,403 --> 01:30:52,237 ROBBIE: Dad. HANNAH: Jacob! Oh, God. 1515 01:30:52,405 --> 01:30:53,989 JESSICA: Stop it. He didn't do anything. 1516 01:30:54,157 --> 01:30:55,907 - He doesn't know. EMILY: Is your back okay? 1517 01:30:56,075 --> 01:30:57,576 - Know what? - Know what? 1518 01:30:57,743 --> 01:30:59,870 Is this some kind of a skit? Because I'm lost. 1519 01:31:00,079 --> 01:31:01,121 - Argh! JESSICA: No. 1520 01:31:01,289 --> 01:31:03,874 - Aah! JESSICA: No, no, no. Daddy, Daddy. 1521 01:31:04,041 --> 01:31:05,792 He didn't even know that I'm in love with him. 1522 01:31:06,711 --> 01:31:08,170 - With who? JESSICA: With him. 1523 01:31:08,337 --> 01:31:10,255 - You pointing at me? - You pointing at him? 1524 01:31:10,423 --> 01:31:12,215 She's pointing at him? Oh. 1525 01:31:12,383 --> 01:31:15,218 Wait. My dad is the older guy you've been seeing? 1526 01:31:15,386 --> 01:31:18,472 - I knew it. You... - He doesn't know about the naked photos. 1527 01:31:18,639 --> 01:31:20,390 - What? - Jessica. 1528 01:31:20,558 --> 01:31:22,309 You made him naked photos? Seriously? 1529 01:31:22,477 --> 01:31:26,104 - I'm gonna beat you till your brains fall out. - Timeout, timeout. Hold on. 1530 01:31:26,272 --> 01:31:29,274 - But I love her. - Jessica's the one you're in love with? 1531 01:31:29,442 --> 01:31:31,234 DAVID: Excuse me, Emily? 1532 01:31:32,028 --> 01:31:34,404 - You left your sweater in my car. - Oh. 1533 01:31:34,572 --> 01:31:36,114 - Who are you? - David Lindhagen. 1534 01:31:38,034 --> 01:31:40,076 - David Lindhagen? - David Lindhagen. 1535 01:31:41,329 --> 01:31:42,913 Okay. 1536 01:31:43,080 --> 01:31:45,165 - Is this a bad time? - Yeah. 1537 01:31:45,333 --> 01:31:46,958 - Unh. - Jacob. 1538 01:31:47,502 --> 01:31:50,128 Know how much pain and suffering you caused my friend? 1539 01:31:50,296 --> 01:31:52,130 - Stay the hell away from my daughter. - Ow. 1540 01:31:52,298 --> 01:31:54,007 You stay away from my daughter. 1541 01:31:54,175 --> 01:31:56,259 - I don't even know you. JESSICA: Stop it. 1542 01:31:56,427 --> 01:31:58,720 Oh, my God. That is not... What are you grabbing? 1543 01:31:58,888 --> 01:32:01,515 [ALL GRUNTING] 1544 01:32:01,682 --> 01:32:03,600 HANNAH: Really? Really? - Come on. 1545 01:32:03,768 --> 01:32:06,478 CAL: Let go of me! Let go of me! Let go of me! 1546 01:32:06,646 --> 01:32:08,939 BERNIE: Come on, she's my daughter. CAL: Stop it. Stop it. 1547 01:32:09,106 --> 01:32:10,106 BERNIE: I'll kill you. 1548 01:32:12,443 --> 01:32:13,777 MAN: So... 1549 01:32:13,986 --> 01:32:16,321 Okay, wait. Which one of you is Lindhagen again? 1550 01:32:16,489 --> 01:32:17,614 ALL: Hagen. 1551 01:32:18,533 --> 01:32:21,117 I'm just gonna write, "Domestic disturbance, all clear." 1552 01:32:21,285 --> 01:32:22,452 Thank you, officer. 1553 01:32:23,496 --> 01:32:26,706 Just simmer down, okay? We all have arguments. 1554 01:32:26,916 --> 01:32:30,627 But if you're gonna fight, just do it inside. Keep it in the family, okay? 1555 01:32:31,212 --> 01:32:32,546 [GIGGLES] 1556 01:32:32,713 --> 01:32:33,838 [WHISPERS] I will kill you. 1557 01:32:44,809 --> 01:32:45,850 BERNIE: Let's go. 1558 01:32:46,018 --> 01:32:47,143 - Daddy? BERNIE: Now. 1559 01:32:47,562 --> 01:32:49,479 - Daddy? - Now. 1560 01:33:21,721 --> 01:33:22,887 Cal. 1561 01:33:23,097 --> 01:33:24,264 Come on. 1562 01:33:24,765 --> 01:33:25,807 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Honey. 1563 01:33:28,519 --> 01:33:31,980 This guy is a lowlife, he is a womanizer. 1564 01:33:32,148 --> 01:33:34,899 - That's ironic. - Excuse me? 1565 01:33:38,988 --> 01:33:41,698 I know him. I have witnessed him in action. 1566 01:33:41,866 --> 01:33:45,869 - And you are not to see him anymore. - Dad, I'm not gonna stop seeing him. 1567 01:33:46,037 --> 01:33:49,205 Okay. Okay. Well, then we have nothing more to talk about. 1568 01:33:52,877 --> 01:33:54,753 - You're being unreasonable. - Get out of my house. 1569 01:33:54,920 --> 01:33:56,212 This is not your house anymore. 1570 01:33:56,380 --> 01:33:59,174 Well, you made damn sure of that, didn't you, sweetheart? 1571 01:34:13,439 --> 01:34:15,732 - Bye, Nanna. - Bye, cutie. 1572 01:34:26,952 --> 01:34:28,495 She's all yours, David. 1573 01:34:29,955 --> 01:34:33,333 - Fantastic. - Nice. 1574 01:34:41,634 --> 01:34:43,551 Go big or go home, right, bud? 1575 01:34:45,638 --> 01:34:47,055 Go home, Dad. 1576 01:35:44,196 --> 01:35:46,197 JACOB: Did you see the headline today? HANNAH: What? 1577 01:35:46,365 --> 01:35:49,159 It says that you should call your dad. 1578 01:35:49,326 --> 01:35:51,661 No, it says, "Let's move on child obesity." Ha, ha. 1579 01:35:51,829 --> 01:35:53,496 No, it doesn't. 1580 01:35:53,664 --> 01:35:56,666 HANNAH: I'm not gonna call him. - No, it says you really should. 1581 01:36:06,510 --> 01:36:09,512 [BELL RINGS] 1582 01:36:35,331 --> 01:36:37,373 BARTENDER: Can I get you another? 1583 01:36:38,417 --> 01:36:40,543 - What time is it? BARTENDER: 2:30. 1584 01:36:41,587 --> 01:36:43,171 In the afternoon. 1585 01:36:43,672 --> 01:36:45,632 "Two-thirty" would have been sufficient... 1586 01:36:45,800 --> 01:36:49,469 ...but thank you for the judgmental tone, cocktail servant. 1587 01:36:50,262 --> 01:36:51,304 I'm sorry... 1588 01:36:51,472 --> 01:36:52,555 [SIGHS] 1589 01:36:53,390 --> 01:36:55,517 Sorry for being a dick. 1590 01:36:58,229 --> 01:36:59,813 JACOB: Nice sweat suit. 1591 01:37:02,983 --> 01:37:04,234 [SIGHS] 1592 01:37:04,401 --> 01:37:05,443 What do you want? 1593 01:37:06,904 --> 01:37:09,489 - Uh, can I sit down? - I don't know, can you? 1594 01:37:10,324 --> 01:37:13,910 Are we gonna be adults about this, or we gonna...? 1595 01:37:14,078 --> 01:37:16,246 [IMITATING JACOB] "Are we gonna be adults about this?" 1596 01:37:24,797 --> 01:37:28,842 - It would mean a lot to me if we could talk. - Are you still seeing my daughter? 1597 01:37:31,095 --> 01:37:34,305 - Yes. - Then I have nothing to say to you. 1598 01:37:35,432 --> 01:37:37,016 Been hanging out here a lot? 1599 01:37:37,434 --> 01:37:38,852 Sometimes. 1600 01:37:41,480 --> 01:37:44,482 JACOB: You been missing a lot of work? - I have a lot of vacation days. 1601 01:37:44,650 --> 01:37:46,943 You know what? You have a lot of nerve. 1602 01:37:58,080 --> 01:37:59,372 Do you wanna do your shot? 1603 01:37:59,540 --> 01:38:02,625 She probably spit in it, so, no, thank you. 1604 01:38:05,963 --> 01:38:07,338 Your kids miss you, Cal. 1605 01:38:07,506 --> 01:38:10,174 You're hanging out with my kids? That's great. 1606 01:38:10,342 --> 01:38:12,802 Teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that. 1607 01:38:16,473 --> 01:38:20,560 You know it's his eighth-grade graduation next week. 1608 01:38:21,312 --> 01:38:22,562 You gonna go to that? 1609 01:38:22,771 --> 01:38:23,980 Of course I'm going. 1610 01:38:24,148 --> 01:38:28,318 I just didn't know. You haven't really been around. I don't think he knows either. 1611 01:38:28,485 --> 01:38:31,487 I haven't been around for him? That's what you're telling me? 1612 01:38:31,655 --> 01:38:33,698 You know, he's not my biggest fan right now. 1613 01:38:33,866 --> 01:38:36,618 - He thinks I stole his soul mate. - He worships you, Cal. 1614 01:38:36,785 --> 01:38:40,079 - Is the parental advice over? Because if so... - I'm in love with her. 1615 01:38:42,708 --> 01:38:44,000 I love her. 1616 01:38:45,836 --> 01:38:48,671 I don't know what I was doing before this. 1617 01:38:48,839 --> 01:38:53,927 And I don't know what to do about it. It's not something I can really stop. 1618 01:38:54,428 --> 01:38:56,220 - Yeah? JACOB: Yeah. 1619 01:38:56,388 --> 01:38:58,139 - You love her? You love Hannah? JACOB: Yes. 1620 01:38:58,307 --> 01:39:01,851 Tell me about it. Tell me how much you love her. 1621 01:39:02,269 --> 01:39:03,353 JACOB: I'm just... 1622 01:39:04,355 --> 01:39:07,023 Look, Cal, it's not something that I wanted, okay? 1623 01:39:07,191 --> 01:39:09,025 I looked at people who were in love... 1624 01:39:09,193 --> 01:39:11,611 ...and I thought the way that they were behaving... 1625 01:39:11,779 --> 01:39:14,197 ...and the things that they were doing and saying... 1626 01:39:14,365 --> 01:39:16,616 ...they appeared pathetic, honestly. 1627 01:39:16,825 --> 01:39:20,328 And I spent all this time with you, I'm trying to make you more like me... 1628 01:39:20,496 --> 01:39:22,914 ...and it turns out I just wanna be... 1629 01:39:25,751 --> 01:39:27,710 [SIGHS] 1630 01:39:27,878 --> 01:39:29,212 I need that drink. 1631 01:39:29,380 --> 01:39:31,673 You gonna make me do this? I gotta really do this? 1632 01:39:36,887 --> 01:39:39,889 I had Hannah when I was 17. 1633 01:39:40,474 --> 01:39:42,892 I taught her how to ride a bike. 1634 01:39:44,269 --> 01:39:46,729 I taught her how to drive a car. 1635 01:39:47,231 --> 01:39:49,899 And I'm glad for you. 1636 01:39:50,067 --> 01:39:54,028 I'm happy for you, that you've changed. 1637 01:39:54,405 --> 01:39:59,200 I think it's fantastic that you're a better man. 1638 01:40:00,452 --> 01:40:02,495 But I've seen too much already. 1639 01:40:02,663 --> 01:40:07,166 - No. I know. I know too much. JACOB: I know. I know. 1640 01:40:08,794 --> 01:40:10,253 And it's Hannah. 1641 01:40:10,587 --> 01:40:12,588 And she's too good for you. 1642 01:40:13,298 --> 01:40:14,632 I agree. 1643 01:40:18,721 --> 01:40:21,264 I'm never gonna give you my approval. 1644 01:40:31,233 --> 01:40:33,317 You're a good dad, Cal. 1645 01:40:47,833 --> 01:40:49,042 Yep. Yep. 1646 01:40:49,209 --> 01:40:51,794 She spit. She spit in that. 1647 01:40:52,129 --> 01:40:53,838 Guys, I need you to pay attention. 1648 01:40:54,006 --> 01:40:58,301 Do not cut the line. I need everyone to stay in your positions, okay? 1649 01:40:58,469 --> 01:41:02,805 Guys, check your ties. Make sure everything is nice and neat. 1650 01:41:02,973 --> 01:41:04,682 Ladies, when you're on stage... 1651 01:41:14,860 --> 01:41:16,444 Mommy, look. Robbie's name. 1652 01:41:38,008 --> 01:41:39,967 CAL: Excuse me. Is this open? 1653 01:41:55,984 --> 01:41:57,693 BERNIE: How close? - Yeah, that's fine. 1654 01:42:05,536 --> 01:42:07,078 Good afternoon. 1655 01:42:07,246 --> 01:42:10,373 Welcome, parents, family and friends. 1656 01:42:10,749 --> 01:42:14,710 We're so pleased to have you here to celebrate this graduating class. 1657 01:42:15,546 --> 01:42:19,715 And now, to introduce our first student speaker... 1658 01:42:19,883 --> 01:42:23,636 ...our very own Kate Tafferty. 1659 01:42:26,723 --> 01:42:28,516 - She's pretty. - Ugh. 1660 01:42:31,436 --> 01:42:36,232 Our first speaker is not only the class salutatorian... 1661 01:42:36,567 --> 01:42:39,694 ...but is also... 1662 01:42:39,862 --> 01:42:41,028 [CHUCKLES] 1663 01:42:41,196 --> 01:42:44,574 ...one of the most spirited young men... 1664 01:42:44,741 --> 01:42:47,451 ...I've ever had the pleasure of teaching. 1665 01:42:47,619 --> 01:42:51,330 Ladies and gentlemen, Robbie Weaver. 1666 01:42:53,959 --> 01:42:55,084 - Whoo! - Robbie! 1667 01:43:03,927 --> 01:43:06,345 Welcome, class of 2011. 1668 01:43:07,222 --> 01:43:10,600 Our time as middle schoolers has come to an end. 1669 01:43:10,767 --> 01:43:13,436 We can't fight it anymore. We're getting old. 1670 01:43:13,729 --> 01:43:15,938 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 1671 01:43:19,735 --> 01:43:23,279 All my life I wanted to grow up. 1672 01:43:23,780 --> 01:43:28,117 I wanted to grow older so people would take me seriously. 1673 01:43:28,785 --> 01:43:32,288 It all sounded so good to me. 1674 01:43:32,623 --> 01:43:37,084 Growing up, getting a job, getting married. 1675 01:43:37,794 --> 01:43:39,128 But... 1676 01:43:40,130 --> 01:43:41,505 ...it's all a scam. 1677 01:43:42,466 --> 01:43:43,799 And love? 1678 01:43:45,135 --> 01:43:46,677 That's the biggest scam of all. 1679 01:43:49,264 --> 01:43:51,307 I was in love. 1680 01:43:51,975 --> 01:43:56,312 And I know that makes some of you laugh because I'm only 13... 1681 01:43:57,481 --> 01:44:00,233 ...but whatever. I was. 1682 01:44:01,902 --> 01:44:05,279 And I used to think, and really believe... 1683 01:44:06,490 --> 01:44:09,325 ...that there was one true love for everyone... 1684 01:44:09,826 --> 01:44:13,329 ...and if you fought hard enough for that person... 1685 01:44:13,497 --> 01:44:15,498 ...your one true love would always work out. 1686 01:44:16,500 --> 01:44:21,420 It sounded good to me when I was younger, but it just doesn't work that way. 1687 01:44:23,131 --> 01:44:27,343 - There is no such thing as one true love... - Stop. 1688 01:44:31,515 --> 01:44:33,975 [WHISPERING] Shit. 1689 01:44:34,142 --> 01:44:36,894 - Oh, boy. - Okay. 1690 01:44:37,062 --> 01:44:39,397 All right. Ahem. Excuse me. 1691 01:44:52,286 --> 01:44:55,496 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1692 01:44:56,039 --> 01:44:58,582 - [WHISPERING] What are you doing? - What are you doing? 1693 01:44:59,084 --> 01:45:01,210 I was wrong, Dad. There's no such thing as... 1694 01:45:01,378 --> 01:45:02,628 [CAL CLEARS THROAT] 1695 01:45:03,463 --> 01:45:04,714 CAL [IN NORMAL VOICE]: I, uh... 1696 01:45:05,424 --> 01:45:06,549 Um... 1697 01:45:06,717 --> 01:45:09,719 [KATE CLEARING THROAT] 1698 01:45:12,097 --> 01:45:15,933 Oh. Well, here's the thing: 1699 01:45:16,101 --> 01:45:18,728 My son's graduation speech sucks. 1700 01:45:19,021 --> 01:45:20,062 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 1701 01:45:20,230 --> 01:45:21,230 CAL: That's not a joke. 1702 01:45:22,357 --> 01:45:25,901 In fairness, I didn't know where he was going with that. 1703 01:45:26,069 --> 01:45:27,737 But I think we can all agree... 1704 01:45:27,904 --> 01:45:33,534 ...it was headed in a kind of depressing, um, way. 1705 01:45:33,702 --> 01:45:35,244 [CAL CLEARS THROAT] 1706 01:45:35,412 --> 01:45:38,581 My son... Not him, my actual son. 1707 01:45:38,749 --> 01:45:41,292 - Believes in grand romantic gestures. 1708 01:45:41,501 --> 01:45:44,920 He believes in the existence... 1709 01:45:45,088 --> 01:45:47,423 ...of one's soul mate. 1710 01:45:48,759 --> 01:45:52,011 And it's easy to just look at a 13-year-old and say: 1711 01:45:52,179 --> 01:45:56,390 "You don't know what you're talking about. You are wrong." 1712 01:45:56,558 --> 01:45:58,851 But I'm not so sure. 1713 01:46:02,898 --> 01:46:06,025 I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old. 1714 01:46:06,610 --> 01:46:08,569 We went out for ice cream. 1715 01:46:08,737 --> 01:46:13,449 After, my dad started teasing me about my first date, the way dads do. 1716 01:46:13,617 --> 01:46:16,452 And I told him, "Dad, it's no big deal. 1717 01:46:16,620 --> 01:46:21,999 I'm gonna be going out with a lot of different girls on a lot of different dates." 1718 01:46:22,167 --> 01:46:25,669 And that is the first time that I ever lied to my father. 1719 01:46:29,091 --> 01:46:31,759 I met my soul mate when I was 15 years old... 1720 01:46:31,927 --> 01:46:36,680 ...and I have loved her every minute of every day... 1721 01:46:37,265 --> 01:46:41,102 ...since I first bought her that mint chocolate chip cone. 1722 01:46:42,771 --> 01:46:47,525 I have loved her through the birth of my three perfect children. 1723 01:46:48,652 --> 01:46:50,986 I have loved her even when I've hated her. 1724 01:46:52,823 --> 01:46:54,990 Only married couples will understand that one. 1725 01:46:55,158 --> 01:46:58,494 [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING] 1726 01:47:00,497 --> 01:47:02,373 And I don't know if it's gonna work out. 1727 01:47:04,376 --> 01:47:06,419 I don't know what's gonna happen. 1728 01:47:08,463 --> 01:47:11,424 I'm sorry, Robbie, I can't give you that. 1729 01:47:12,342 --> 01:47:14,760 But I can promise you this: 1730 01:47:15,178 --> 01:47:17,263 I will never stop trying. 1731 01:47:18,640 --> 01:47:21,767 Because when you find the one... 1732 01:47:22,227 --> 01:47:23,769 ...you never give up. 1733 01:47:29,526 --> 01:47:31,402 Do you have anything you'd like to say? 1734 01:47:33,238 --> 01:47:34,947 [IN NORMAL VOICE] I still love you, Jessica. 1735 01:47:35,115 --> 01:47:37,992 [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CHEERING] 1736 01:47:38,160 --> 01:47:39,618 And I love you, Emily. 1737 01:47:39,786 --> 01:47:41,537 [HANNAH LAUGHING] 1738 01:47:41,705 --> 01:47:44,915 I loved you ever since you first changed my sister's diaper. 1739 01:47:45,083 --> 01:47:49,044 I loved you when you came into my bedroom and I was under the covers... 1740 01:47:49,212 --> 01:47:51,046 - Stop him. CAL: No, no. 1741 01:47:51,214 --> 01:47:53,507 - What's he talking about? - I'm not ashamed of it. 1742 01:47:53,675 --> 01:47:55,718 CAL: Okay, we're good, we're good. 1743 01:48:04,728 --> 01:48:08,022 Oh, there's your mom. Let's go say hi. 1744 01:48:08,356 --> 01:48:09,523 Hey. 1745 01:48:09,691 --> 01:48:12,109 Oh, I'm so proud of you. 1746 01:48:12,277 --> 01:48:14,445 There she is. My perfect girl. 1747 01:48:14,613 --> 01:48:16,155 Hi. 1748 01:48:21,036 --> 01:48:22,578 CAL: Okay. 1749 01:48:23,705 --> 01:48:25,122 So I bought a firearm... 1750 01:48:26,625 --> 01:48:27,917 ...from a shady Internet site... 1751 01:48:28,084 --> 01:48:30,211 ...and I am prepared to shoot you with it. 1752 01:48:32,422 --> 01:48:34,006 Come here. 1753 01:48:40,430 --> 01:48:41,722 Take care of her. 1754 01:48:46,728 --> 01:48:50,898 This is gonna be fun. 1755 01:48:55,153 --> 01:48:56,612 ROBBIE: I'm gonna talk to my friends. 1756 01:48:56,780 --> 01:49:00,616 Go hang with the other high schoolers. Go ahead, see if I care. I don't care. 1757 01:49:35,235 --> 01:49:37,570 I'm really glad you came. 1758 01:49:37,737 --> 01:49:39,238 So am I. 1759 01:49:40,615 --> 01:49:42,908 You were a really good babysitter, Jessica. 1760 01:49:44,703 --> 01:49:46,829 I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. 1761 01:49:48,123 --> 01:49:50,457 - I thought you weren't giving up. ROBBIE: I'm not. 1762 01:49:50,625 --> 01:49:52,042 But I just figure... 1763 01:49:52,252 --> 01:49:53,711 ...you like my dad... 1764 01:49:53,878 --> 01:49:56,005 ...and in a few years I'll look like him. 1765 01:49:56,172 --> 01:49:57,339 I'll come for you then. 1766 01:49:58,174 --> 01:49:59,633 That's not a bad plan. 1767 01:50:00,093 --> 01:50:01,176 But... 1768 01:50:01,886 --> 01:50:04,013 Well, until then... 1769 01:50:04,180 --> 01:50:08,309 ...just a little graduation gift to get you through high school. 1770 01:50:09,311 --> 01:50:10,811 ROBBIE: Thanks. 1771 01:50:15,400 --> 01:50:16,525 [CLEARS THROAT] 1772 01:50:19,279 --> 01:50:20,362 ROBBIE: So... 1773 01:50:21,865 --> 01:50:23,991 Can you...? 1774 01:50:24,159 --> 01:50:26,201 - Why...? - Take care, Robbie. 1775 01:50:50,101 --> 01:50:51,935 [SIGHS] 1776 01:50:52,103 --> 01:50:54,396 Holy crap. 1777 01:51:03,365 --> 01:51:07,034 - He looks pretty happy. - Yeah. 1778 01:51:07,827 --> 01:51:09,745 - God, I hate that haircut, though. - Ick. 1779 01:51:09,913 --> 01:51:13,123 - I know. He looks like a sheepdog. - Mm-hm. 1780 01:51:18,254 --> 01:51:22,424 Oh, my eyes! My eyes! My eyes! 1781 01:51:27,263 --> 01:51:29,264 It's been a really hard year. 1782 01:51:30,850 --> 01:51:31,934 How so? 1783 01:51:32,102 --> 01:51:35,104 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1784 01:51:37,440 --> 01:51:39,775 Yeah, there were a couple little blips, I guess. 1785 01:51:39,943 --> 01:51:42,945 - I know. - I guess I just, you know... 1786 01:51:43,655 --> 01:51:46,949 Really what I want to say... 1787 01:51:49,285 --> 01:51:52,246 ...is that I'm so glad you bought me that ice cream. 1788 01:51:54,999 --> 01:51:57,292 Me too. 1789 01:52:00,338 --> 01:52:03,340 [EMILY CHUCKLING] 1790 01:52:10,390 --> 01:52:13,392 [BOTH LAUGHING] 1791 01:58:00,740 --> 01:58:02,741 [English - US - SDH]