1
00:01:01,936 --> 00:01:06,315
The rumors of my promiscuity
have been greatly exaggerated.
2
00:01:06,524 --> 00:01:10,277
I used to be anonymous,
invisible to the opposite sex.
3
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,237
If Google Earth were a guy...
4
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:15,449
... he couldn't find me if I was
dressed up as a 10-story building.
5
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:19,328
Pretty cutting-edge stuff, huh?
A high school girl feeling anonymous.
6
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:22,956
Who am I? What does it all mean?
Why am I here? Blah.
7
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,376
But don't worry,
this isn't one of those tales.
8
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:28,504
Though it sure started out that way.
9
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:31,381
And then it changed pretty quickly
when I started lying...
10
00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:34,176
... about some very personal things.
11
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:38,138
So let the record show that I,
Olive Penderghast...
12
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:43,060
... being of sound mind,
and below-average breast size...
13
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:45,395
... swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth...
14
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:48,649
... and nothing but the truth.
Starting now.
15
00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:51,902
And what better way
to share my private thoughts...
16
00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,987
... than to broadcast them
on the Internet?
17
00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:57,491
So here it is. Part one.
18
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:02,663
The shudder-inducing and cliched,
however totally false account...
19
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:07,042
...of how I lost my virginity
to a guy at a community college.
20
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:12,047
Let me just begin by saying
that there are two sides to every story.
21
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:15,134
And this is my side, the right one.
22
00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,052
George is not a sexy name.
23
00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:19,138
George is what you name
your teddy bear...
24
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,640
...not the name you wanna
scream out during climax.
25
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,560
And by that, I assume you mean?
26
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,271
The stable and self-perpetuating
end stage...
27
00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:29,314
...in the evolution
of a plant community.
28
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- Right.
- Why, what were you thinking?
29
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:35,237
The same. But I don't say it out loud
lest someone get the wrong idea.
30
00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,323
I think you know innuendo
is attached to everything these days.
31
00:02:38,491 --> 00:02:40,534
Innuendo? What...?
Whatever do you mean?
32
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:44,204
Rhiannon, Olive, go hit the books.
They don't hit back.
33
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:48,917
Also, hugs not drugs.
Mess with the bull, get the horns.
34
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:51,670
And any other cliches
you can come up with.
35
00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:54,298
Bye, Mr. Griffith.
36
00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:55,757
Bye.
37
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:58,385
- Watch your mouth.
- Sorry.
38
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,888
Mr. Griffith is my favorite teacher.
39
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:03,015
Although,
after all the trouble I caused...
40
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,434
... I don't know if I'm still
his favorite student.
41
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,060
You know, these are bad for you.
42
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:10,731
It leads to unwanted pregnancy,
all sorts of things.
43
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:14,735
Mismatched tires on your vehicle,
which is nonexistent.
44
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:19,198
And here is where the trouble began.
The lie that started the whole thing.
45
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:23,243
Please, please, I'm begging you.
I will pay you. I'll pay you.
46
00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,245
Rhi, I cannot go camping
with you, okay?
47
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:27,122
I'm sorry, but I have a date.
48
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,917
- Okay? I told you.
- With who?
49
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,420
- You don't know him.
- And neither do you, you selfish bitch.
50
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,923
Yes, I do.
He goes to college with my brother.
51
00:03:36,090 --> 00:03:37,674
Okay. What's his name, then?
52
00:03:37,842 --> 00:03:40,677
Rhiannon is what you'd call
a strong personality.
53
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,138
She asked me to come camping
with her family...
54
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,224
... and I don't know why
I didn't wanna go.
55
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:48,602
A little because I didn't feel like
hanging out with her all weekend.
56
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:52,105
But mostly because her parents are
the weirdest people I have ever met...
57
00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:54,566
... and I live in California.
58
00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:57,277
I ate dinner at her house once
and I swore, never again.
59
00:03:57,445 --> 00:03:59,738
- This is interesting.
- Patchouli burger.
60
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,990
We grew it in our victory garden.
61
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,617
You want some dessert?
62
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,245
No, thank you.
I'm trying to watch my figure.
63
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,205
Well, I'm not.
64
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:11,166
So I lied and told her I couldn't go...
65
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:14,419
... because I had a date with a friend
of my brother's named George.
66
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,673
Let's just face it, there is no such thing
as a sexy George.
67
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,258
Yeah, well, mine is...
68
00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:22,928
...so I think we should just
put this conversation to bed.
69
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:26,848
Fine, don't go camping with us.
Just know I hate you, bitch.
70
00:04:27,475 --> 00:04:29,351
Go get your chocolate milk.
71
00:04:30,478 --> 00:04:32,646
- Do you want one?
- No.
72
00:04:32,814 --> 00:04:35,440
And here's how I really spent
the weekend.
73
00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,451
That's the worst song ever.
74
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:36,376
But on Monday, when Rhi asked me
how my weekend was...
75
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:39,212
He was charming, you know?
He was a real gentleman.
76
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:42,632
And it feels like I got a love
and I know that it's all mine.
77
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,552
Okay, okay. Wait, wait.
So are you going to see him again?
78
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,014
No. No, probably not. You know,
it was just one of those weekends.
79
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,766
A whole weekend?
80
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,434
Yup.
81
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,562
- Wait a minute. You didn't have...?
- What?
82
00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,731
No. No, of course not.
83
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:01,068
You liar.
You totally lost your V-card to him.
84
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:02,861
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
85
00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:05,572
- Tell me everything.
- Rhi, I'm not that kind of girl.
86
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,075
The kind that does it,
or the kind that does it...
87
00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:10,577
...and doesn't have the balls
to tell her friend?
88
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,412
- What?
- I want every detail.
89
00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:13,914
- Rhi.
- Now, bitch.
90
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:15,999
You know, you call me "bitch" a lot.
Okay?
91
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,294
- It's not a term of endearment.
- I want every detail. Now, shitface.
92
00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,421
You're not heading
in the right direction.
93
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:23,006
Tell me.
94
00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:24,758
Fine.
95
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,302
We did it.
96
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,595
Yes!
97
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,056
Finally.
Now you're a super slut like me.
98
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,683
I don't think letting Peter Hedlund
motorboat you...
99
00:06:33,851 --> 00:06:36,937
...behind a Bed Bath & Beyond
really makes you a super slut.
100
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:40,399
There were a lot of people walking
past. Someone could've easily seen.
101
00:06:40,858 --> 00:06:44,277
Whatever. This isn't about me,
this is about you.
102
00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:45,487
What'd you let him do?
103
00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:50,575
It was normal. You know?
Nothing freaky.
104
00:06:50,743 --> 00:06:52,994
I don't know why I did it.
105
00:06:53,162 --> 00:06:55,622
I guess maybe it was because
it was the first time...
106
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,250
... I had sort of felt superior to Rhi.
107
00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:01,795
But I just started piling on lie after lie.
It was like setting up Jenga.
108
00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,463
Do you know, like, Glade candles?
109
00:07:03,631 --> 00:07:06,967
Those kind, but they were, like,
sexy Glade candles.
110
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:09,845
- He was sweet. He was...
- Of course.
111
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,227
What the hell are you looking at,
Sister Christian?
112
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:19,771
Just a couple of admitted whores.
113
00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:24,860
Marianne Bryant is the secretary
of the student council...
114
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:27,446
... chairman of the Orange Blossom
dance committee...
115
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,823
... and president of
the Cross Your Heart Club...
116
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:33,034
... a club dedicated to shoving
their beliefs down people's throats.
117
00:07:33,202 --> 00:07:34,661
Obviously they don't care.
118
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:37,789
Last year's cause celebre was
the changing of the school mascot.
119
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:42,043
Give it up for your Blue Devils!
120
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,212
Blue!
121
00:07:44,380 --> 00:07:46,756
Blue Devil!
122
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,677
Yeah.
123
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,680
Yeah!
124
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,767
How can we exhibit school pride
when we're conveyed to others...
125
00:07:57,935 --> 00:07:59,561
...as Satan worshippers?
126
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:03,190
Now, thankfully,
we're the much less intimidating...
127
00:08:04,525 --> 00:08:06,526
Give it up for the Woodchucks!
128
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,987
Hey! Go, Woodchucks!
129
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,448
Woodchucks!
130
00:08:17,955 --> 00:08:20,081
I liked Todd much better
when he was topless.
131
00:08:20,249 --> 00:08:23,418
Yeah, but even dressed as a
woodchuck, I still fantasize about him.
132
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,212
Woodchucks.
133
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:30,050
Now Marianne had
a new cause celebre.
134
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:31,718
Me.
135
00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,346
Which brings us to part two.
136
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:38,266
The accelerated velocity
of terminological inexactitude.
137
00:08:38,434 --> 00:08:43,104
Which is really just my obnoxious way
of saying that lies travel fast.
138
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:47,901
And, boy, did my terminological
inexactitude accelerate with velocity.
139
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,945
Did you hear about Olive?
140
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,634
No way.
141
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,103
- She's not a virgin anymore?
- I can't believe it.
142
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,105
- Olive lost her virginity.
- Yeah.
143
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,442
Maybe next time a certain somebody
will be a little more careful...
144
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,319
...what she says in the water closet.
145
00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,614
Yeah, about that? It's...
That's actually not what you think.
146
00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:36,950
Can I talk to you alone
for a second?
147
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:40,245
- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.
148
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,165
Bye, Nina.
149
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:49,170
What you heard in the bathroom
the other day wasn't true at all.
150
00:09:49,338 --> 00:09:52,799
- It's actually a funny story.
- Olive. That's your name, right?
151
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,303
Yeah, yeah. And you're Marianne.
152
00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,847
We've had nine classes together
since kindergarten.
153
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:02,017
Ten, if you count Religion
of Other Cultures, which you didn't...
154
00:10:02,184 --> 00:10:04,144
...because you refused to go.
155
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:06,980
Yeah. Listen, I'm not the one
that you have to answer to...
156
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,565
...for your depraved behavior.
157
00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:11,610
There's a higher power
that will judge you for your indecency.
158
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:13,653
Tom Cruise?
159
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:16,239
I hope for your sake
that God has a sense of humor.
160
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:20,035
Oh, I have 17 years' worth
of anecdotal proof he does.
161
00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,120
You've made your bed.
162
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,956
I just hope for your sake
that you've cleaned the sheets.
163
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,668
- Did I just get saved?
- I missed you.
164
00:10:28,836 --> 00:10:30,003
Oh, you too.
165
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,547
So Marianne spread the rumor.
166
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:36,051
For the first time ever, my sexual
exploits were the talk of the school.
167
00:10:36,218 --> 00:10:38,678
Oh, you know what? I'm wrong.
It was the second time.
168
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,847
The first time was back
in 8th grade...
169
00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,684
... when all I wanted was a kiss from
this guy I had always had a crush on.
170
00:10:44,852 --> 00:10:48,104
Todd and I were thrown together
in Seven Minutes of Heaven.
171
00:10:48,272 --> 00:10:52,942
Luckily we had a super romantic
song from our youth to set the mood.
172
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,029
I think this is the part...
173
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:58,865
...where you're supposed to
stick your tongue in my mouth.
174
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,575
That's what I've heard, anyway.
175
00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,952
Just give me a second, okay?
176
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,872
According to my watch,
you have 382 of them.
177
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,290
- How do you do that?
- What?
178
00:11:07,458 --> 00:11:09,751
Add so fast.
And you also talk like a grown-up.
179
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:13,213
Don't worry, I'm not nearly as smart
as I think I am.
180
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:19,219
So if we didn't do anything,
could you still tell people we kissed?
181
00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,515
Absolutely.
182
00:11:23,974 --> 00:11:25,850
- Thanks, Olive.
- Sure, Todd.
183
00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,895
I actually didn't wanna lie that time.
184
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,690
When people thought
I'd kissed someone, they didn't care.
185
00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,942
But when they thought
I slept with someone...
186
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:36,569
Hey, Olive. How's it going?
187
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:39,406
I'm swell,
Guy-I've-Never-Talked-to-Before.
188
00:11:39,573 --> 00:11:41,491
Thanks for asking.
189
00:11:42,118 --> 00:11:46,913
All I could think to myself was,
"Great, now I'm a tramp."
190
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:49,082
I'm gonna have to get
a lower-back tattoo...
191
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,543
... and pierce something
not on my face.
192
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:54,212
You guys know that
I was here all weekend, right?
193
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,797
- Yeah.
- Yes, you were upstairs.
194
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,507
- Yeah.
- You would testify to that?
195
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,634
- Yeah.
- I would take a bullet for you.
196
00:11:59,802 --> 00:12:01,553
You know that.
Right between the eyes.
197
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:04,013
Man, I would slit my throat...
198
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,099
...rather than say something
to someone...
199
00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:08,935
...that you didn't want me to say.
- That's not necessary.
200
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:11,896
- But that is comforting.
- That's how I am, how I roll.
201
00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,815
That's how I do, as they say.
202
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:17,527
- I like the pants.
- Thank you. They're Costco.
203
00:12:17,695 --> 00:12:19,571
You can have them
when you get taller.
204
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,240
- I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Course you will.
205
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:24,284
But we're a family of late bloomers.
206
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,203
I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.
207
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,289
Why does that matter? I'm adopted.
208
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,168
What? Oh, my God. Who told you?
209
00:12:33,627 --> 00:12:36,713
Guys, we were gonna do this
at the right time.
210
00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:37,922
Listen to me.
211
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:41,217
Sometimes, even when a man and
a woman love each other very much...
212
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,052
...like your mother and I used to...
213
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,930
...their insides just don't cooperate
with each other.
214
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:47,348
So, what's going on, honey?
215
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:50,643
Why do you want us to take a bullet
if anyone asks if you were here?
216
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:53,146
It's nothing. It's just the rumor mill.
217
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:56,483
What's the rumor mill churning out
these days? Anything interesting?
218
00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:59,694
You know, not really. Not really.
It's a little low on grist.
219
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,655
Clever wordplay. I like it.
You must be related to me.
220
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:04,991
- Only by marriage.
- Give it to me.
221
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,494
So, what we're all gonna take away
from this:
222
00:13:07,661 --> 00:13:10,371
- I was here all weekend, right?
- Yes, yes, yes.
223
00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:13,833
Remember how I told you
Google Earth couldn't find me...
224
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,127
... if I was dressed up
as a ten-story building?
225
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:20,089
Well, the next day it could find me if I
was dressed as a crack on a sidewalk.
226
00:13:20,257 --> 00:13:22,509
That's the beauty of being
a girl in high school.
227
00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:26,179
People hear you had sex once
and, bam, you're a bimbo.
228
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,890
I really didn't mean for the lie
to put me on the map...
229
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:32,227
... but I gotta admit,
I kind of liked being on the map.
230
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:36,648
So, clearly Nathaniel Hawthorne
is a complex writer.
231
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,441
Even I had trouble with him.
232
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,694
I read him originally when I was 5,
but I struggled.
233
00:13:41,862 --> 00:13:44,823
So I'm gonna break it down for you.
I'm gonna throw some rhymes.
234
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,991
Anson, drop me a beat.
235
00:13:47,159 --> 00:13:48,868
- What?
- Give me a beat.
236
00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,912
Push it up.
237
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:54,666
Yeah, adultery, vengeance
238
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,168
Crimes of passion
239
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,379
Kill the beat.
I'm not gonna rap for you.
240
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,589
It's pandering
and it's been done before...
241
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:04,884
...in every bad movie
you've ever seen. Okay.
242
00:14:05,052 --> 00:14:07,679
Ironically, we were studying
The Scarlet Letter.
243
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,722
Now, isn't that always the way?
244
00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:13,059
The books you read in class always
have some strong connection...
245
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:16,062
... with whatever angsty
adolescent drama is going on.
246
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:19,190
Except for Huckleberry Finn.
I don't know any teenage boys...
247
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,943
... who have ever run away
with a big, hulking black guy.
248
00:14:22,361 --> 00:14:24,571
For those who haven't read
The Scarlet Letter...
249
00:14:24,738 --> 00:14:28,408
...or for those who said you did
but didn't, here's all you need to know.
250
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:31,411
This girl, Hester Prynne,
has an affair with a minister...
251
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:35,415
... is besmirched and made to wear
a red A for "adulterer."
252
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,876
The town realizes
she was too harshly judged...
253
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:40,920
... and she's really a good person,
and she dies a saint.
254
00:14:41,088 --> 00:14:42,922
A whole bunch
of other stuff happens too.
255
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:46,634
If you have a test on it, rent the movie,
but make sure it's the original...
256
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:50,430
...not the Demi Moore version where
she talks in a fake British accent...
257
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,348
...and takes a lot of baths.
258
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:57,437
To say that one was freely adapted
is a bit of an understatement, guvnor.
259
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,606
What we have to realize...
260
00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:03,067
...is that Hester lived
in an entirely different time.
261
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:09,449
A time when the worst crime a woman
could commit was in fact adultery.
262
00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:11,284
Nina.
263
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,411
I think Hester Prynne was...
264
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:16,122
Excuse my language... . A skank.
265
00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:18,750
A skank? So you don't think
she was a victim at all?
266
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,127
Why should I?
She brought it on herself.
267
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:26,966
Perhaps you should embroider a red A
on your wardrobe, abominable tramp.
268
00:15:27,134 --> 00:15:30,970
Perhaps you should get a wardrobe,
you abominable twat.
269
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:35,141
Not my best line,
but it was provocative enough...
270
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,810
... to land me in the principal's office.
271
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:47,654
Seems as if someone's
on a downward spiral.
272
00:15:48,030 --> 00:15:51,366
Seems as if someone's
practicing the mundane activities...
273
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,701
...she'll be saddled with
the rest of her life.
274
00:15:53,869 --> 00:15:56,663
I hope you at least had the good sense
to use protection.
275
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:58,289
Why? Your parents didn't.
276
00:15:58,457 --> 00:16:01,167
- You're going to hell.
- Just as long as you won't be there.
277
00:16:01,335 --> 00:16:03,169
I can assure you I won't.
278
00:16:03,754 --> 00:16:05,672
Good.
279
00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:14,055
I don't care who started it.
Just work it out.
280
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,686
Penderghast.
281
00:16:21,188 --> 00:16:23,898
So why am I just meeting you?
282
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,651
Language like this would've
warranted a visit years ago.
283
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,863
This is the first time I've done anything
remotely misbehavioral.
284
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:32,156
This is foul.
285
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,575
I know. I am so...
I'm really, really sorry.
286
00:16:34,743 --> 00:16:37,036
Sorry you said it
or sorry you got caught?
287
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,163
Sorry I said it, honestly.
288
00:16:39,331 --> 00:16:42,959
And sorry I got caught a little bit too,
but mostly just sorry I said it.
289
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:47,046
If you use a word like this again in my
school, it'll be your last. Understand?
290
00:16:47,214 --> 00:16:48,256
Yes, sir. Yes.
291
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:50,883
I mean, this isn't one of
those progressive schools...
292
00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:53,553
...where teachers are called
by their first names...
293
00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:56,347
...and students
are partners in learning...
294
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,475
...and there's a fundraising auction
at the end of the year...
295
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:02,895
...where the more creative parents
put on musical skits...
296
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,064
...about the community garden.
297
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:07,942
This is public school.
298
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:12,530
If I can keep the girls off the pole and
the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
299
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:15,241
Now, if you're sent to me
one more time...
300
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:18,786
...you're gonna be out on your fantail.
Now, am I making myself clear?
301
00:17:18,954 --> 00:17:20,079
Yes, sir.
302
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:22,040
- Good.
- I think so.
303
00:17:22,207 --> 00:17:26,127
I mean, I got a little lost in the middle,
but I found my way back.
304
00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,087
Detention after school tomorrow.
305
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:31,257
Now, out.
306
00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:36,971
Even though it was my slutty alter ego
that said a bad word in school...
307
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,390
... it was my ass that got in trouble...
308
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,560
... which was a place my ass
had never been before.
309
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,192
Hey, Olive.
310
00:17:49,526 --> 00:17:52,153
Oh, my God. The illusion is shattered.
311
00:17:52,321 --> 00:17:55,782
They put you in the gas chamber if you
take your head off at Disney World.
312
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:58,618
I think they just fire you.
You're thinking of Disneyland.
313
00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,620
- Disney World is more liberal.
- Oh, yeah.
314
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:03,664
I always forget Disney World
went blue in the last election.
315
00:18:03,832 --> 00:18:05,708
Are you going
to Melody Bostic's party?
316
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:07,460
I hadn't planned on it.
317
00:18:07,628 --> 00:18:10,671
Me neither. My cousin's getting
married. It's a rehearsal dinner.
318
00:18:10,839 --> 00:18:13,466
See you. Stay excellent.
319
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:14,967
You too.
320
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:16,427
- What's up, kid?
- Woodchuck.
321
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,931
Please tell me the rumors are true.
322
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,558
Yes. Yes. I am a big, fat slut.
323
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:26,187
No, the one where you got suspended
for calling Nina Howell a dick...
324
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:28,439
...and punching her in the left tit.
325
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:32,110
I worry about the way information
circulates at this school.
326
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,446
Rhi? I need to tell you something.
327
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,491
Like the exact moment
you turned into such a badass?
328
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,493
- I think I'm in love with you.
- Okay.
329
00:18:40,661 --> 00:18:43,329
Tell me you left a mark
on that scrunched-up face of hers?
330
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:45,331
- It's not true.
- It wasn't the left tit?
331
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,334
It was the right one.
I always pegged you for a southpaw.
332
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:51,087
Can you listen to me
for one second, please?
333
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:54,465
Okay. It didn't happen.
334
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:58,511
Oh, yeah, right. Your secret's safe
with me, you little sex monkey.
335
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:05,143
I got sent to the principal today.
336
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:07,395
Did you win a medal or something?
337
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:08,604
Not exactly.
338
00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:13,359
I used inappropriate language
in English class.
339
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:16,529
Although we're reading a book
that I personally deem...
340
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:20,533
...inappropriate for our age group,
so I actually felt it was quite apropos.
341
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:21,951
What did you say?
342
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,205
Let's just say
it was an inappropriate word.
343
00:19:26,373 --> 00:19:27,707
Well, what did it start with?
344
00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,251
A snide comment
from a snotty girl in my class.
345
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,796
No, I mean what letter
did the word start with?
346
00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:35,590
- T.
- Oh, T.
347
00:19:35,757 --> 00:19:40,219
- T? Let us think. T, T, T.
- T. All right, T. Yeah, T.
348
00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:44,724
- T, T, T.
- T, T, T.
349
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,737
- Guys.
- Noun, adjective or verb?
350
00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:01,032
Noun. It's definitely slang.
Think British.
351
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,075
Tallywhacker? Termagant?
352
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,831
You're just saying sounds.
Those are sounds.
353
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,918
- Spell it with your peas.
- Yeah, spell it with your peas. Do it.
354
00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:13,753
- I will take that challenge.
- Do it.
355
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,254
I like that. All right.
356
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,715
So does this have anything to do
with the rumor...
357
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,926
...that you mentioned the other night?
358
00:20:20,093 --> 00:20:23,387
Do you need to talk to us
about something, sweetie?
359
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,514
What's a twit?
360
00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,433
That's an A, honey.
361
00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,852
It'll get you sent
to the principal's office.
362
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:31,187
Sit down.
363
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,898
We're lucky that this
is not a common occurrence.
364
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,108
What would my punishment
have been otherwise?
365
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:39,862
- Bed without supper, I guess.
- But I'm already finished.
366
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,282
- No dating. No dating.
- Yeah, no dating.
367
00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,451
- No dating for you, young lady.
- No dating.
368
00:20:45,619 --> 00:20:47,870
I think my complete lack of allure...
369
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,623
...already kind of
shot that horse in the face.
370
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:53,960
I wouldn't know how to be grounded
more than you know how to ground.
371
00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:56,462
That's right. Love you. Come here.
372
00:20:56,630 --> 00:21:00,341
And I bet that girl was acting
like exactly what you called her.
373
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:01,634
Oh, you have no idea.
374
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:06,305
I got a B-plus
on my spelling test today.
375
00:21:06,473 --> 00:21:10,059
That's good, honey, but everything
has spell check these days, so...
376
00:21:10,227 --> 00:21:11,394
Just kidding.
377
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,564
Where are you from originally?
378
00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:17,692
So the next day I had detention...
379
00:21:17,859 --> 00:21:21,153
... which, thanks to recent budget cuts,
meant cleaning.
380
00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,739
I was looking forward to
getting all this behind me.
381
00:21:23,907 --> 00:21:26,492
I had done the crime.
I was gonna do the time.
382
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,869
And that would be that,
but that...
383
00:21:29,037 --> 00:21:31,831
Aren't there, like,
child labor laws against this?
384
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,124
Not in high school.
385
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:37,461
The principal's like the captain
of the ship in international waters.
386
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:39,255
He can even marry people.
387
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,925
We haven't talked in a while.
How have you been, Brandon?
388
00:21:43,093 --> 00:21:46,762
Fabulous. I'm crushing it.
Everything according to plan.
389
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,931
I wanna be in detention.
390
00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:50,349
Yeah, why are you here?
391
00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:53,978
From the blood I saw gushing out of
your nose, I thought you were bullied.
392
00:21:54,146 --> 00:21:57,523
Principal Gibbons is a homophobe,
which is why I called him a fascist.
393
00:21:57,691 --> 00:22:01,027
- So the rumors are true.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
394
00:22:01,194 --> 00:22:03,821
I meant about
Gibbons being a fascist.
395
00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:08,367
So, what's with your new look?
Very whore couture.
396
00:22:08,535 --> 00:22:11,871
Oh, haven't you heard?
I'm the new school slut.
397
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:15,624
You know, I did hear something.
I also heard he was twice your age.
398
00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:18,377
Oh, no, no, no.
No, he was a freshman in college.
399
00:22:18,545 --> 00:22:20,671
I also heard he gave you crabs.
400
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,549
- People suck.
- Tell me about it.
401
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:27,136
He's not real.
402
00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:31,891
- What?
- The guy I slept with. I made him up.
403
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:34,060
Wait, you started the rumor?
404
00:22:34,227 --> 00:22:36,270
Indirectly, I guess sort of.
405
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:40,733
Or actually, no.
No, not really. No, I didn't.
406
00:22:40,901 --> 00:22:43,861
Well, but you're perpetuating it.
That's really messed up.
407
00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,154
Excuse me?
408
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:48,407
You're not even a real slut.
You just want people to think you are.
409
00:22:48,575 --> 00:22:50,076
It's pathetic.
410
00:22:50,243 --> 00:22:55,081
No offense, but you could probably
learn something from me, Brando.
411
00:22:55,248 --> 00:22:59,960
Are you saying that I should
act straight so people will like me?
412
00:23:00,128 --> 00:23:03,923
That's groundbreaking. You should
teach a course at The Learning Annex.
413
00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:07,176
It could be called "The Painfully
Obvious with Olive Penderghast...
414
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,636
...the Fake School Slut."
415
00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,931
I was just suggesting that
maybe these kids we call peers...
416
00:23:12,099 --> 00:23:14,767
...are onto something.
You know, like Marianne Bryant.
417
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:19,897
Maybe that whole stuck-up,
Jesus-freak thing is an act. You know?
418
00:23:20,065 --> 00:23:22,441
No, I think she's just
a stuck-up Jesus freak.
419
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:25,861
And there are some of us who are
just trying to blend in to the crowd.
420
00:23:26,029 --> 00:23:29,031
Well, then you've gotta do
everything you can to blend in...
421
00:23:29,199 --> 00:23:30,950
...or decide not to care.
422
00:23:31,618 --> 00:23:34,870
I can't decide if you're a genius
or a lunatic.
423
00:23:35,038 --> 00:23:39,041
Well, don't they sort of go
hand in hand?
424
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:43,921
- So you heard any word from George?
- Nope.
425
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:48,801
I told you, that was a one-night stand,
which is now over.
426
00:23:48,969 --> 00:23:51,053
You're being pretty cavalier
about this.
427
00:23:51,221 --> 00:23:53,639
Aren't you supposed to be
eternally in love with him?
428
00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:57,476
Yes, I believe so. If I was a Gossip Girl
in Sweet Valley with traveling pants.
429
00:23:57,644 --> 00:24:01,981
But no, I'm not.
So I could really care less.
430
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:04,316
So Brandy Carter
was telling Vanessa Hodges...
431
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:07,319
...that you were with three guys
in a Jacuzzi.
432
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:09,405
Sounds like a lot of work.
433
00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:13,117
I guess that's still better than
getting it on with some old dude.
434
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,618
Who said that?
435
00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:18,747
Do you know that Brandon kid?
That's what somebody told him.
436
00:24:18,915 --> 00:24:19,999
Isn't he a homo?
437
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,001
Yeah.
438
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,967
Speak of the devil. Hello.
439
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,845
I was just talking about you
with my friend, Rhiannon.
440
00:24:33,013 --> 00:24:36,432
You know Rhiannon.
She's perpetually angry.
441
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:38,684
She curses like a Somali sailor. Bi...
442
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:41,312
- Yeah. That's the one.
- "Bi..."? "Bi..."? What's "bi-"?
443
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,148
- Okay.
- I wanna know what "bi..." is.
444
00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:46,025
Hello, what's "bi..."? What is "bi..."?
445
00:24:46,193 --> 00:24:48,277
- Bye.
- "Bi..."? What is "bi..."?
446
00:24:48,445 --> 00:24:51,447
Bedazzling personality?
Beautiful, beautiful soul?
447
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:54,200
- Big tits.
- That's my identifier?
448
00:24:55,118 --> 00:24:56,619
Yes!
449
00:24:56,786 --> 00:25:00,539
All right, well, that was Brandon. He
needs to talk to me about something.
450
00:25:00,707 --> 00:25:03,584
- Probably wants to borrow an outfit.
- Whatever, Big Tits.
451
00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:05,294
Heck, yeah!
452
00:25:06,046 --> 00:25:07,880
Big tits!
453
00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:10,841
The next day,
things took a turn for the scandalous...
454
00:25:11,009 --> 00:25:12,968
...which brings us to part three.
455
00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:16,889
A lady's choice
and a gentleman's agreement.
456
00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,905
Hi. Is there an Olive here?
457
00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:35,241
There's a whole jar of them
in the fridge.
458
00:25:35,408 --> 00:25:37,576
I'm sorry,
I must have the wrong address.
459
00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:39,078
Just kidding. Come on in.
460
00:25:40,038 --> 00:25:43,165
Any friend of Olive's
is a friend of our daughter's.
461
00:25:43,792 --> 00:25:45,334
Olive, sweetie.
462
00:25:45,502 --> 00:25:47,586
There's a young man
here to see you.
463
00:25:47,754 --> 00:25:51,423
He said something about asking
for your hand in marriage.
464
00:25:51,591 --> 00:25:53,884
Oh, happy day, Mama!
465
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,387
Oh, I thought I was gonna have
to spend my dowry...
466
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:59,390
...on booze and pills
to numb the Ioneliness.
467
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:01,892
A gentleman caller, hurray!
468
00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,395
- What's that?
- Olive has a boy in her room.
469
00:26:04,563 --> 00:26:05,729
- A boy?
- A boy.
470
00:26:05,897 --> 00:26:08,107
- Wow, a boy.
- A boy.
471
00:26:08,275 --> 00:26:09,942
A boy?
472
00:26:10,110 --> 00:26:11,944
A boy.
473
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:16,448
Welcome.
This is where the magic happens.
474
00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:18,284
And by magic I mean nothing.
475
00:26:18,451 --> 00:26:20,077
- Do you wanna go out with me?
- What?
476
00:26:20,245 --> 00:26:22,913
Well, I mean, like,
do you wanna be my girlfriend?
477
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:28,544
Brandon, just a couple hours ago
you told me you were Kinsey Six gay.
478
00:26:28,712 --> 00:26:31,463
True, but you said I should
pretend to be straight, so...
479
00:26:31,631 --> 00:26:33,465
Yeah, I didn't mean with me.
480
00:26:33,633 --> 00:26:38,596
I mean, you're a nice guy and all,
but you're not really my type.
481
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,556
Yeah, you're not really
my type either.
482
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:43,642
Yeah, I know that. I got that V
where you'd rather see a P.
483
00:26:43,810 --> 00:26:45,477
Do you wanna
have sex with me or not?
484
00:26:45,645 --> 00:26:47,605
Oh, my God, dude.
485
00:26:47,772 --> 00:26:49,231
You completely missed the point.
486
00:26:49,399 --> 00:26:52,151
- That's not what I was saying.
- I know what you were saying.
487
00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:54,820
I should act straight
till I get out of this hellhole.
488
00:26:54,988 --> 00:26:57,156
Then I can be whoever I wanna be.
I get that.
489
00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,159
You know that I didn't have sex
with a college guy, right?
490
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,077
I just told everybody I did.
491
00:27:02,245 --> 00:27:05,831
Actually, I told one person I did.
And you know how these things work.
492
00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:07,166
It's like wildfire.
493
00:27:07,709 --> 00:27:10,919
So you're saying
I shouldn't really have sex?
494
00:27:11,087 --> 00:27:14,798
I should just say I had sex
with someone. A girl.
495
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:17,343
Yes. Yes.
496
00:27:24,768 --> 00:27:26,352
Oh, no.
497
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:29,730
- Wai... Just...
- Oh, no, no, no.
498
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:33,025
- No way! No way!
- Just wait. Wait, wait. Stop it, stop it.
499
00:27:33,193 --> 00:27:35,527
- Absolutely not.
- Think about it. Think about it.
500
00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:37,946
- We could help each other out.
- No.
501
00:27:38,114 --> 00:27:40,699
You wanna maintain
this floozy facade.
502
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:44,036
I don't wanna get pushed into shit
every day. It's a win-win-win.
503
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:46,372
How do you know I like
being thought of as a floozy?
504
00:27:46,539 --> 00:27:48,624
Because at least
you're being thought of.
505
00:27:48,792 --> 00:27:51,835
Just one good imaginary bonk.
506
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:54,546
You are on crack. All right?
And not the good kind.
507
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:56,048
It doesn't have to be a bonk.
508
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:58,717
It could be an imaginary butterbean,
lemon squeeze...
509
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:02,096
- I don't know what any of that means.
- That's because you're a virgin.
510
00:28:02,263 --> 00:28:04,390
You know what?
This is not the answer at all.
511
00:28:04,557 --> 00:28:07,643
- I'll pay you whatever you want.
- I don't want your money, Brandon.
512
00:28:07,811 --> 00:28:09,812
Just do what I did
and make someone up.
513
00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:11,855
Who's going to believe me?
514
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:17,820
You don't understand how hard it is,
all right? I'm tormented.
515
00:28:17,987 --> 00:28:22,199
And every day at school
is like I'm being suffocated.
516
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,743
And sure, we can sit
and fantasize all we want...
517
00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,371
...about how things
are gonna be different one day...
518
00:28:27,539 --> 00:28:29,415
...but this is today and it sucks.
519
00:28:29,582 --> 00:28:32,793
There's only one way around it.
You were smart enough to think of it.
520
00:28:32,961 --> 00:28:35,546
So please, just help me.
521
00:28:35,714 --> 00:28:39,383
Because I can't take another day
of this. I don't know what I'll do.
522
00:28:47,225 --> 00:28:49,768
I don't do anything half-assed.
All right?
523
00:28:49,936 --> 00:28:51,437
It'll have to be a public event.
524
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:54,022
Melody Bostic is throwing
a party tomorrow night.
525
00:28:54,190 --> 00:28:58,110
All of your tormentors will be there.
You and I are going together. All right?
526
00:28:58,278 --> 00:29:02,448
You have to do everything I say and
tell everyone that I am sensational.
527
00:29:02,615 --> 00:29:05,743
- Thank you so much for doing this.
- Just...
528
00:29:06,369 --> 00:29:09,580
...you know, make sure you're ready
to live with the consequences.
529
00:29:10,790 --> 00:29:14,710
- What the hell is a lemon squeeze?
- It's like a backwards melon bag.
530
00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,921
How don't I know any of this?
531
00:29:19,591 --> 00:29:22,468
The next night was the party
at Melody Bostic's house.
532
00:29:22,635 --> 00:29:24,970
She is the most popular girl
in school.
533
00:29:25,138 --> 00:29:27,681
It's partly because she's pretty
and has perfect hair...
534
00:29:27,849 --> 00:29:30,768
... but mostly because her parents
let her have these parties...
535
00:29:30,935 --> 00:29:33,395
... every time she catches them
doing it in the pool...
536
00:29:33,563 --> 00:29:36,690
... which is every week, apparently.
537
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:39,818
Brandon and I showed up
when it was in full swing.
538
00:29:39,986 --> 00:29:43,113
I borrowed a dress from my mom,
Brandon borrowed a jacket from me...
539
00:29:43,281 --> 00:29:45,199
... and we put on a little show.
540
00:29:45,366 --> 00:29:48,035
Hey, Olive and Brandon.
541
00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:49,495
What's up?
542
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:53,040
I hope you don't mind, but we had
a few pre-cocktail-party cocktails...
543
00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:56,293
...like, before the cocktail party
with cocktails.
544
00:29:58,046 --> 00:30:01,131
Listen, here's the sitch,
Melody Bostic.
545
00:30:01,883 --> 00:30:05,928
Brandon was just in the middle
of telling me this really funny thing...
546
00:30:06,095 --> 00:30:07,262
...which is really funny.
547
00:30:07,430 --> 00:30:11,225
And I was wondering if there's,
like, a room where we could go...
548
00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:14,686
...where he could finish telling me
that thing that's funny...
549
00:30:14,854 --> 00:30:16,146
...if you know what I mean.
550
00:30:16,314 --> 00:30:17,606
You can use my room.
551
00:30:18,775 --> 00:30:20,526
Down the hall to the left.
552
00:30:21,778 --> 00:30:24,029
Cool.
553
00:30:25,156 --> 00:30:27,282
Is that Olive with Brandon?
554
00:30:27,450 --> 00:30:29,368
I know. What the hell, right?
555
00:30:29,536 --> 00:30:31,245
You guys are my buddies.
556
00:30:31,412 --> 00:30:33,038
I'm drunk, bitches. What's up?
557
00:30:33,206 --> 00:30:34,706
I love your room!
558
00:30:34,874 --> 00:30:37,209
My sheets. Put a towel down.
559
00:30:37,377 --> 00:30:41,088
- Olive's gonna do a gay dude.
- Thanks. Close the shades.
560
00:30:45,885 --> 00:30:47,302
- What are you doing?
- Relax.
561
00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:51,139
Jesus, what is with you gays? Are you
really that repulsed by lady parts?
562
00:30:51,307 --> 00:30:53,559
What do you think I have down there,
a gnome?
563
00:30:59,566 --> 00:31:03,652
So nice. What is that, lavender?
It's pretty.
564
00:31:03,820 --> 00:31:06,530
What are you doing? Can you...?
Can you come here, please?
565
00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:08,866
Jacket off. Come on.
566
00:31:09,033 --> 00:31:12,661
All right. Come on.
Chop-chop. All right.
567
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,205
Now grunt.
Grunt and make it convincing.
568
00:31:17,125 --> 00:31:19,918
I said grunt, not whine. Just grunt.
569
00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:26,592
Moan, you know? Like, sex noises.
570
00:31:28,595 --> 00:31:29,761
God, you are pathetic.
571
00:31:37,562 --> 00:31:39,438
Good. Good.
572
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:44,151
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
573
00:31:44,360 --> 00:31:46,111
Oh, yeah.
574
00:31:46,279 --> 00:31:48,572
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
575
00:31:52,577 --> 00:31:55,245
- You don't have to be so aggressive.
- You don't like that?
576
00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:57,456
- No, I don't like that.
- You don't like that?
577
00:31:57,624 --> 00:31:58,916
How about that?
578
00:31:59,083 --> 00:32:00,918
- Little better.
- Yeah, you like that.
579
00:32:01,085 --> 00:32:02,794
I like that.
580
00:32:02,962 --> 00:32:05,923
- This guy, he's gay, no?
- I think he's gay.
581
00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:08,592
- Don't stop!
- Keep going.
582
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,969
- Don't stop.
- I'm not gonna stop.
583
00:32:11,137 --> 00:32:12,429
I'm not gonna stop.
584
00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:13,972
Now you try. You try.
585
00:32:14,140 --> 00:32:18,310
I'm gonna turn you around
and take you from the back.
586
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,979
That's not gonna make people
think you're straight.
587
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:25,317
Never mind that gayness
because I'm a straight guy. Roar!
588
00:32:28,821 --> 00:32:31,323
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
589
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,659
- That's awesome! That's perfect!
- Yeah!
590
00:32:33,826 --> 00:32:35,452
That's what I'm talking about!
591
00:32:35,828 --> 00:32:38,956
Do you smell that?
Do you smell us?
592
00:32:39,832 --> 00:32:41,833
Did he just say it smelled?
593
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,003
Isn't it supposed to smell?
594
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:46,964
You're not supposed
to comment on it.
595
00:32:47,131 --> 00:32:51,593
- It doesn't really smell that bad.
- Oh, yeah. Yes, God!
596
00:32:51,761 --> 00:32:54,805
- Don't stop. Yeah!
- Don't stop. It's too much fun.
597
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:57,099
- You ready for the grand finale?
- Yeah. What?
598
00:32:58,726 --> 00:33:02,562
Oh, yeah.
599
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:03,939
Yeah.
600
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,987
Come on.
601
00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:11,822
Oh, my God.
602
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,661
Go forth, my son.
You're a man now.
603
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:20,330
Hey.
604
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:23,000
Thank you.
605
00:33:26,129 --> 00:33:29,131
Seriously, thanks.
606
00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:38,849
- Here.
- What is this?
607
00:33:39,183 --> 00:33:40,267
Evidence.
608
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:48,650
What's up?
609
00:33:53,573 --> 00:33:55,198
Hey, man.
610
00:33:55,742 --> 00:33:56,742
How was she?
611
00:33:56,909 --> 00:34:01,997
Well, well, let's just say
I'll be walking funny tomorrow.
612
00:34:02,165 --> 00:34:03,999
What?
613
00:34:04,667 --> 00:34:07,252
- I'm drunk. What's up, bitches?
- Yeah!
614
00:34:19,057 --> 00:34:21,767
- Whoa, hey.
- Todd, hi.
615
00:34:21,934 --> 00:34:24,394
I thought you were at
your cousin's rehearsal dinner.
616
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:27,272
It was a quick rehearsal.
I only had one line.
617
00:34:27,940 --> 00:34:28,940
That was a joke.
618
00:34:29,984 --> 00:34:31,568
I know.
619
00:34:31,819 --> 00:34:33,862
Yeah, sorry. How's it going?
620
00:34:34,655 --> 00:34:36,782
You know, I'm...
621
00:34:37,325 --> 00:34:39,117
- I'm here.
- Can I get you a beer?
622
00:34:39,285 --> 00:34:41,620
That rhymed. I liked it.
623
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:43,538
Yeah.
624
00:34:52,882 --> 00:34:54,966
- I'm gonna go.
- You sure?
625
00:34:55,134 --> 00:34:59,137
- Yeah. Bye.
- See you at the salt mines.
626
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,139
Maybe this is gonna sound stupid...
627
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:04,726
...and, believe me, it's not like
I was expecting, you know, fireworks...
628
00:35:04,894 --> 00:35:07,437
...or a string quartet or anything...
629
00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:11,024
...but I always thought pretending
to lose my virginity...
630
00:35:11,192 --> 00:35:12,943
...would be a little more...
631
00:35:13,111 --> 00:35:15,237
...I don't know, special?
632
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:19,032
Judy Blume should've
prepared me for that.
633
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:28,125
That is so beautiful.
634
00:35:28,292 --> 00:35:29,751
Never had one lesson.
635
00:35:29,919 --> 00:35:32,379
That boy from yesterday
just dropped this off for you.
636
00:35:32,547 --> 00:35:36,800
Well, put it in the pile of gifts
from my other suitors.
637
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,761
- Thanks.
- He seems like a nice kid.
638
00:35:39,929 --> 00:35:41,972
He seemed a little incredibly gay.
639
00:35:42,140 --> 00:35:44,599
A dyed-in-the-wool homosexual,
that boy is.
640
00:35:44,767 --> 00:35:48,019
I just want you to know
your father and I are totally supportive.
641
00:35:48,187 --> 00:35:50,564
We love you no matter
what the sexual orientation...
642
00:35:50,731 --> 00:35:52,440
...of your opposite-sex sex partner.
643
00:35:52,608 --> 00:35:53,859
We're not dating, Mom.
644
00:35:54,026 --> 00:35:56,820
And don't worry about
not making us grandparents...
645
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:59,906
...although we were kind of hoping
you'd get knocked up...
646
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:02,450
...so we'd have a second shot
at raising kids.
647
00:36:02,618 --> 00:36:04,828
Really do it right this time.
648
00:36:04,996 --> 00:36:08,165
- Bye now.
- I dated a homosexual once.
649
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:11,543
For a long time, actually.
A long time.
650
00:36:11,711 --> 00:36:15,422
Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you did
not marry and have children with him.
651
00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,132
No.
652
00:36:17,300 --> 00:36:18,341
No, no, no.
653
00:36:18,509 --> 00:36:20,552
Your father is as straight
as they come.
654
00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:23,054
A little too straight,
if you know what I mean.
655
00:36:23,222 --> 00:36:25,724
I don't. Can you shut the door, please?
656
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:31,438
Okay, door's right over there.
Keep going.
657
00:36:31,606 --> 00:36:35,984
- Take it down.
- Go take that out to Dad. Nice.
658
00:36:42,617 --> 00:36:46,745
"Just in case you don't shop at Target.
Then you can go screw yourself.
659
00:36:46,913 --> 00:36:48,496
Brandon."
660
00:36:56,589 --> 00:36:57,631
Hi, Rhi.
661
00:36:57,798 --> 00:37:01,051
Is it true you got with Brandon
at Melody Dipshit's party?
662
00:37:01,802 --> 00:37:03,637
Is that what people
are saying happened?
663
00:37:03,804 --> 00:37:06,765
That's what everyone
is saying happened.
664
00:37:06,933 --> 00:37:09,809
Well, then I guess that...
I guess that's true.
665
00:37:09,977 --> 00:37:12,896
Just because you lost your virginity
doesn't mean you can go...
666
00:37:13,064 --> 00:37:16,775
...throwing your cat at everybody.
- I'm not throwing my cat at everybody.
667
00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:19,945
I had to hear from Jackie Rudetsky.
668
00:37:20,112 --> 00:37:21,780
Do you know
how embarrassing that is?
669
00:37:21,948 --> 00:37:26,284
Finding out you slept with some
gay dude from Jackie Rudetsky?
670
00:37:26,452 --> 00:37:27,827
Must've been embarrassing.
671
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:29,746
Why didn't you tell me
you were going?
672
00:37:29,914 --> 00:37:31,915
I would've come with
and held your hair.
673
00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,209
Are you really making this
about you right now?
674
00:37:34,377 --> 00:37:37,963
- You're starting to get a reputation.
- You're coming off as a little pious.
675
00:37:38,130 --> 00:37:39,839
You're pissing me off
more than usual.
676
00:37:40,007 --> 00:37:41,967
I think it's a best friend's duty...
677
00:37:42,134 --> 00:37:46,471
...to let her know that everyone, and
I do mean everyone, is calling her...
678
00:37:46,639 --> 00:37:48,223
...a dirty skank.
679
00:37:48,766 --> 00:37:52,143
Well, do you think I'm a dirty skank?
680
00:37:52,311 --> 00:37:55,230
You know, I didn't wanna believe it,
but I guess it's true.
681
00:37:55,398 --> 00:37:58,149
That is your identifier.
682
00:37:58,317 --> 00:38:00,735
And you're a jealous virgin.
683
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:02,070
So...
684
00:38:03,948 --> 00:38:05,991
People thought I was a dirty skank?
685
00:38:06,158 --> 00:38:09,327
Fine, I'd be the dirtiest skank
they'd ever seen.
686
00:38:31,684 --> 00:38:33,351
Shit.
687
00:38:38,190 --> 00:38:41,443
Is everything all right? It sounds like
you're having sex in here...
688
00:38:41,610 --> 00:38:45,196
...which can't be true, due to the fact
that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
689
00:38:45,364 --> 00:38:47,782
He's not my boyfriend.
690
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:51,661
Hey, no judgment.
All God's children. It's fine.
691
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:54,539
I was gay once for a while.
692
00:38:54,707 --> 00:38:57,876
No big deal. We all do it. It's okay.
693
00:38:58,044 --> 00:38:59,961
Dad, can you just
shut the door, please?
694
00:39:00,129 --> 00:39:01,212
You all right, buddy?
695
00:39:03,507 --> 00:39:05,050
Yeah.
696
00:39:06,052 --> 00:39:07,635
Give them hell.
697
00:39:52,932 --> 00:39:54,766
- Hey, Anson.
- Hey.
698
00:39:54,934 --> 00:40:00,438
I just realized the funniest thing.
My name is an anagram for "I love."
699
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,441
What's a...? What's an anagram?
700
00:40:03,776 --> 00:40:04,901
Look it up, big boy.
701
00:40:06,112 --> 00:40:07,445
What's your problem?
702
00:40:07,613 --> 00:40:09,197
You wanna know
what my problem is?
703
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:13,201
No. That was a rhetorical question.
I don't wanna know anything from you.
704
00:40:13,369 --> 00:40:15,370
We are not friends anymore.
705
00:40:15,538 --> 00:40:17,330
We are officially over.
706
00:40:17,498 --> 00:40:18,957
Oh, rats.
707
00:40:19,125 --> 00:40:23,336
I want my Juicy sweatshirt back. It was
too loose around your chest anyway.
708
00:40:23,504 --> 00:40:25,547
Burn.
709
00:40:25,923 --> 00:40:27,632
- Stop.
- What?
710
00:40:47,319 --> 00:40:48,987
What are you doing?
711
00:40:50,156 --> 00:40:51,781
Nothing.
712
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:57,954
Don't forget, tomorrow's Earth Day.
713
00:40:58,664 --> 00:41:02,333
Guys, we have a problem:
Olive Penderghast.
714
00:41:02,501 --> 00:41:04,169
- We need to pray for her.
- Amen.
715
00:41:04,336 --> 00:41:06,921
But we also need to
get her the hell out of here.
716
00:41:07,089 --> 00:41:08,131
Amen.
717
00:41:08,299 --> 00:41:10,508
You heard what happened
at Melody Bostic's.
718
00:41:10,676 --> 00:41:13,553
- I was there. I heard the whole thing.
- That's not something...
719
00:41:13,721 --> 00:41:16,681
...you need to advertise, Kurt.
- Sorry. But I was.
720
00:41:16,849 --> 00:41:21,019
I tried to witness to her, but this girl
is defiant to any type of help.
721
00:41:21,187 --> 00:41:23,855
Anybody here think they can
talk to her, get her to see...
722
00:41:24,023 --> 00:41:26,065
...what she's doing is wrong?
723
00:41:28,694 --> 00:41:31,946
- It's okay.
- I'm sorry, you guys. This is so stupid.
724
00:41:32,114 --> 00:41:35,450
No, it's not, Marianne. It's real.
725
00:41:35,618 --> 00:41:36,701
- It's real.
- Yeah, it is.
726
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:38,745
Jesus tells us to love everyone.
727
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:43,500
I mean, even the whores and
the homosexuals, but it's just so hard.
728
00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:48,213
It's so hard because they keep
doing it over and over again.
729
00:41:49,590 --> 00:41:50,965
Make me a promise.
730
00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:53,718
Make God a promise,
right here and right now...
731
00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:56,846
...that we will remain
pure and chaste until marriage.
732
00:41:57,014 --> 00:41:58,056
We promise.
733
00:41:58,224 --> 00:42:01,559
Awesome, awesome, awesome.
734
00:42:01,727 --> 00:42:06,105
I love you guys. God loves you guys.
Now, let's change lives today.
735
00:42:06,273 --> 00:42:08,316
- Micah?
- Let's do it.
736
00:42:32,883 --> 00:42:35,051
I didn't know what they
were so upset about.
737
00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:38,096
I put an A on my wardrobe
just like they asked.
738
00:42:38,264 --> 00:42:41,599
Maybe it was because I was wearing
clothes that were two sizes too small.
739
00:42:41,767 --> 00:42:43,101
Hey, Olive!
740
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:47,981
You left your glass slipper
at the party the other night.
741
00:42:48,148 --> 00:42:51,401
Yeah, and I got pumpkin
all over my dress too.
742
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:54,779
Nice. Solid joke.
743
00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:57,490
It sucks because we could've
revisited Melody's bedroom.
744
00:42:57,658 --> 00:42:59,742
Oh, my God,
that was Melody Bostic's house.
745
00:42:59,910 --> 00:43:02,620
- Yeah.
- I can't believe you remember that.
746
00:43:02,788 --> 00:43:06,291
Well, yeah, come on. Who doesn't
remember their first almost-kiss?
747
00:43:08,961 --> 00:43:10,420
Hey, Olive.
748
00:43:10,588 --> 00:43:12,297
Evan. Hey, what's rocking?
749
00:43:12,464 --> 00:43:13,965
Can I talk to you for a second?
750
00:43:14,133 --> 00:43:15,842
Yeah, what's up?
751
00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:18,845
Don't get mad, but Brandon told me
what you did for him.
752
00:43:19,013 --> 00:43:22,807
Oh, well, rest assured,
it was equally as thrilling for me.
753
00:43:22,975 --> 00:43:24,767
No, he told me the truth.
754
00:43:25,894 --> 00:43:28,021
I was just hoping
you could do the same for me?
755
00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:29,939
Goodbye, Evan.
756
00:43:30,107 --> 00:43:32,900
Wait, wait. I can pay you.
757
00:43:33,068 --> 00:43:35,862
I am about six seconds away
from slapping you so hard...
758
00:43:36,030 --> 00:43:39,073
...your teeth will bleed.
- Can you do it in front of everyone?
759
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,369
I don't need your permission,
you know.
760
00:43:45,623 --> 00:43:46,831
What?
761
00:43:46,999 --> 00:43:49,626
I mean, at the rate you're going...
762
00:43:49,793 --> 00:43:51,961
...I don't see how people
won't believe it.
763
00:43:52,129 --> 00:43:54,547
- Are you threatening me?
- I'll give you 100 bucks.
764
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:56,132
You are repugnant.
765
00:43:57,009 --> 00:43:58,384
That's the problem.
766
00:44:00,012 --> 00:44:01,012
Never mind.
767
00:44:02,181 --> 00:44:04,182
I'm sorry I asked.
768
00:44:10,981 --> 00:44:13,066
I knew it wouldn't work.
769
00:44:13,609 --> 00:44:14,942
I'm just a fat piece of shit.
770
00:44:16,487 --> 00:44:18,446
When will high school end already?
771
00:44:24,036 --> 00:44:25,870
Shit.
772
00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:30,500
I want a $100 gift card deposited
into my locker by noon tomorrow.
773
00:44:30,668 --> 00:44:33,878
Preferably to the Gap, but I will
also take Amazon.com or OfficeMax.
774
00:44:34,046 --> 00:44:38,049
Actually, make it OfficeMax.
I have my eye on a label maker.
775
00:44:38,217 --> 00:44:40,843
We did not have sex, okay?
776
00:44:41,011 --> 00:44:44,055
I let you fondle my chest,
and it was a glorious moment for you...
777
00:44:44,223 --> 00:44:47,392
...unmatched by anything
you've experienced, including cake.
778
00:44:47,559 --> 00:44:48,601
Got it?
779
00:44:49,311 --> 00:44:51,729
Wait a minute.
A hundred bucks for second base?
780
00:44:51,897 --> 00:44:54,357
- Yeah.
- Doesn't that seem a little steep?
781
00:44:54,525 --> 00:44:58,236
Can we throw in, like, some
butt action or some pants rubbing?
782
00:44:58,404 --> 00:45:00,988
- What are you, 9?
- Whatever. Are you in?
783
00:45:03,033 --> 00:45:05,201
- Whatever.
- Deal, then.
784
00:45:05,994 --> 00:45:07,495
Thanks, Olive.
785
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:09,288
You know, the sad thing is, Evan...
786
00:45:09,456 --> 00:45:13,918
...if you'd been a gentleman
and maybe asked me on a date...
787
00:45:14,086 --> 00:45:15,294
...I might've said yes.
788
00:45:15,462 --> 00:45:18,089
Really?
Do you wanna go out with me?
789
00:45:18,257 --> 00:45:19,799
Not now I don't, shit-dick.
790
00:45:23,429 --> 00:45:27,098
It should come as no surprise that the
rumor I was soliciting sex for money...
791
00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:29,517
... spread around the school
faster than...
792
00:45:29,685 --> 00:45:33,354
Well, faster than the first rumor
about me spread.
793
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,234
Guys, come over here.
794
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,138
She'll do stuff for money.
Around the world...
795
00:46:07,306 --> 00:46:10,475
But for people who knew the truth,
I was open for business.
796
00:46:10,642 --> 00:46:15,104
And whether I liked it or not,
I had a lot of customers.
797
00:46:16,315 --> 00:46:18,649
Phil Lord gave me
100 bucks from Best Buy...
798
00:46:18,817 --> 00:46:22,320
... so he could tell people
we hooked up behind the library.
799
00:46:22,488 --> 00:46:25,239
I got $50 from T.J. Maxx
so that Eric Ling could say...
800
00:46:25,407 --> 00:46:28,034
... we got it on during Chemistry.
801
00:46:28,368 --> 00:46:31,954
Ninety dollars from Panda Express
so Ryan Dukes could tell people...
802
00:46:32,122 --> 00:46:35,833
... I showed him mine,
but he did not show me his.
803
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:38,294
Chris Miller,
big spender that he is...
804
00:46:38,462 --> 00:46:42,006
... gave me $40 worth of movie passes
for my pretend cowbell.
805
00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,467
They had an expiration date
and were only good...
806
00:46:44,635 --> 00:46:46,469
... at the stupid foreign movie theater.
807
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:52,642
Hi. One for
Der Scharlachrote Buchstabe.
808
00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:55,770
But even that is better
than Sanjay Chandrasekhar.
809
00:46:55,938 --> 00:47:00,066
Seriously? A coupon? Twenty percent
off to Bath & Body Works?
810
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:03,402
Is that how much our imaginary tryst
meant to you?
811
00:47:03,779 --> 00:47:05,363
I fake rocked your world.
812
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:08,032
- It's all I can afford.
- How's that my problem, amigo?
813
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:11,202
I knew he wasn't Latino,
but for some reason all these shady...
814
00:47:11,370 --> 00:47:13,663
... backdoor deals
had me talking like Carlito.
815
00:47:14,039 --> 00:47:16,165
- Beat it, ese.
- Okay.
816
00:47:16,333 --> 00:47:18,292
Whatever happened to chivalry?
817
00:47:18,460 --> 00:47:21,379
Does it only exist in '80s movies?
818
00:47:21,547 --> 00:47:25,633
I want John Cusack holding
a boombox outside my window.
819
00:47:25,801 --> 00:47:28,427
I wanna ride off on a lawn mower
with Patrick Dempsey.
820
00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:32,682
I want Jake from Sixteen Candles
waiting outside the church for me.
821
00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:35,601
I want Judd Nelson
thrusting his fist into the air...
822
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:37,228
... because he knows he got me.
823
00:47:37,396 --> 00:47:40,356
Just once, I want my life
to be like an '80s movie.
824
00:47:40,941 --> 00:47:43,734
Preferably one with a really awesome
musical number...
825
00:47:43,902 --> 00:47:45,945
... for no apparent reason.
826
00:47:46,488 --> 00:47:51,033
But, no. No.
John Hughes did not direct my life.
827
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:53,995
So instead of all that...
828
00:47:54,162 --> 00:47:57,373
...I get to save 15 cents...
829
00:47:57,541 --> 00:48:00,376
...on a bottle of Juniper Breeze
Antibacterial Gel.
830
00:48:00,544 --> 00:48:04,839
So if you're still with me,
and I'm hoping that most of you are...
831
00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:07,758
...this brings us to part four.
832
00:48:09,261 --> 00:48:12,597
How I, Olive Penderghast,
went from assumed trollop...
833
00:48:12,764 --> 00:48:14,432
...to an actual home-wrecker.
834
00:48:16,768 --> 00:48:20,605
- You wanted to see me?
- I did. Why don't you come in here?
835
00:48:28,113 --> 00:48:29,155
What's going on?
836
00:48:29,948 --> 00:48:32,617
- I'm accessorizing.
- Really?
837
00:48:32,784 --> 00:48:36,329
I think you're taking your reading
assignment a little bit too seriously.
838
00:48:36,496 --> 00:48:39,874
Well, I was really hoping
to get an A. Get it?
839
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:44,295
I'm hearing some rumors.
840
00:48:44,463 --> 00:48:47,673
Well, those are true. I am considering
becoming an existentialist.
841
00:48:47,841 --> 00:48:50,426
- You know what I'm talking about.
- Jeez.
842
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:54,889
When did teachers become
privy to idle adolescent gossip?
843
00:48:55,057 --> 00:49:00,895
That would be when everyone
is putting everything up on Facebook.
844
00:49:01,063 --> 00:49:03,481
I don't know what
your generation's fascination is...
845
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:06,025
...with documenting
your every thought...
846
00:49:06,193 --> 00:49:09,403
...but I can assure you
they're not all diamonds.
847
00:49:09,571 --> 00:49:11,989
"Roman is having an okay day...
848
00:49:12,157 --> 00:49:16,327
...and bought a Coke Zero
at the gas station.
849
00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:17,912
Raise the roof."
850
00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:19,330
Who gives a rat's ass?
851
00:49:19,498 --> 00:49:21,832
He got a Coke Zero again?
852
00:49:22,000 --> 00:49:24,168
That Roman. Incorrigible.
853
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:28,047
Listen, whatever this little act is about,
I just... I'm curious.
854
00:49:28,215 --> 00:49:31,133
I really think you should consider
giving me extra credit...
855
00:49:31,301 --> 00:49:32,593
...for going the extra mile.
856
00:49:32,761 --> 00:49:35,763
I'm really attempting to understand
this puritanical ostracism...
857
00:49:35,931 --> 00:49:38,975
...Hawthorne wrote about.
- You are one of the few that read it.
858
00:49:39,142 --> 00:49:41,811
If I read one more paper
from one of your classmates...
859
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:46,607
...who talks about how hot she is in
the bathtub, her fake British accent...
860
00:49:46,775 --> 00:49:50,820
...or, is she still married to
Ashton Kutcher, I'm gonna kill myself.
861
00:49:50,988 --> 00:49:53,656
Why don't people just watch
the original movie like I did?
862
00:49:54,241 --> 00:49:55,658
I know you read the book.
863
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:57,868
I did.
864
00:49:58,036 --> 00:50:01,455
Listen, I want to apologize for
sending you to the principal's office.
865
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:04,125
Truthfully, and I'll deny it
if you say anything...
866
00:50:04,292 --> 00:50:07,044
...I wanted to be cheering
with the rest of the students.
867
00:50:07,212 --> 00:50:09,714
I don't know what it is about Nina.
868
00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:11,632
I hate her.
869
00:50:11,800 --> 00:50:12,842
I won't tell.
870
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:14,427
- I'll deny it if you do.
- Okay.
871
00:50:14,594 --> 00:50:16,721
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
872
00:50:16,888 --> 00:50:18,514
Stay golden.
873
00:50:18,682 --> 00:50:22,226
- Hi, Mrs. Griffith.
- Hi, you. How are you?
874
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,729
A is for "awesome."
875
00:50:24,896 --> 00:50:26,439
Yeah.
876
00:50:27,065 --> 00:50:28,774
I've never seen that girl before.
877
00:50:28,942 --> 00:50:30,818
That does not surprise me.
878
00:50:30,986 --> 00:50:33,904
But I'm the guidance counselor.
I should know all the students.
879
00:50:34,072 --> 00:50:36,574
Especially the ones
who dress like prostitutes.
880
00:50:36,742 --> 00:50:39,452
- It's good to see you.
- Hey. How are you? Good.
881
00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:43,914
No, stop. We're at school.
There are rules.
882
00:50:44,082 --> 00:50:46,417
- Windows.
- Yeah, yeah.
883
00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:48,753
Do me a favor, though.
Just talk to her.
884
00:50:48,920 --> 00:50:50,713
I think she's going through a phase.
885
00:50:50,881 --> 00:50:53,424
That's not the girl
everyone's talking about, is it?
886
00:50:53,592 --> 00:50:54,592
It is.
887
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,386
Oh, okay. Oh, this'll be good.
All right.
888
00:50:57,554 --> 00:51:00,014
That snotty, Jesus-freak
office aide I have...
889
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:02,141
...has been bitching
about her incessantly.
890
00:51:02,309 --> 00:51:06,604
They're all lies, but she could use
somebody to talk to anyway.
891
00:51:06,772 --> 00:51:09,356
All right. Hey, what are you doing
for dinner tonight?
892
00:51:09,524 --> 00:51:11,067
- You won't be there?
- Sorry.
893
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:14,278
I have an after-school session.
Kid brought a knife to school.
894
00:51:14,446 --> 00:51:15,738
Well, be careful, all right?
895
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:18,365
It was a butter knife.
But you know what they say.
896
00:51:18,533 --> 00:51:20,493
You know, it's a gateway knife, so...
897
00:51:20,660 --> 00:51:22,161
- All right, bye.
- Yeah. Bye.
898
00:51:22,329 --> 00:51:25,081
I'm thinking about another gateway.
It's a...
899
00:51:27,918 --> 00:51:28,959
Making spaghetti.
900
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:31,045
- That's great.
- With meat.
901
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:32,546
Enjoy eating your meat.
902
00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:35,424
- And balls.
- Enjoy eating your balls.
903
00:51:45,310 --> 00:51:46,685
Sharpening your pencils?
904
00:51:48,188 --> 00:51:49,605
Getting them nice and sharp?
905
00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:54,568
Sharpening them up? Look at you.
Look at you. So sharp.
906
00:51:54,736 --> 00:51:57,029
Sharpening those pencils.
Sharp, sharp, sharp.
907
00:51:57,489 --> 00:52:00,324
- God, that's sharp. L...
- Hey, Olive. You ready to come in?
908
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:04,370
Good job.
909
00:52:04,538 --> 00:52:07,123
Well, the reason I called you in
was just so we could...
910
00:52:07,290 --> 00:52:10,167
...sort of, you know, just chat
about what's going on.
911
00:52:10,335 --> 00:52:12,962
You know, there is concern
from a few faculty members.
912
00:52:13,130 --> 00:52:14,630
Your husband.
913
00:52:14,798 --> 00:52:17,299
Olive, you're attempting
to make a statement.
914
00:52:17,467 --> 00:52:20,678
I'm just a little confused
as to what exactly that is.
915
00:52:21,304 --> 00:52:22,346
Am I in trouble?
916
00:52:22,514 --> 00:52:24,974
Because, pursuant
to the student code of conduct...
917
00:52:25,142 --> 00:52:27,810
...my hemline has never been
higher than my fingertips.
918
00:52:27,978 --> 00:52:29,311
No, you're not in trouble.
919
00:52:29,479 --> 00:52:31,021
I wanted to make sure you knew...
920
00:52:31,189 --> 00:52:33,566
...if there's something
that you wanna talk about...
921
00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:35,526
...you know, you can trust me.
922
00:52:35,694 --> 00:52:39,655
If I open up to you, do you promise
this stays in confidence?
923
00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:43,075
Yeah. I'm... See?
I'm the guidance counselor.
924
00:52:43,243 --> 00:52:44,618
That's what I do.
925
00:52:45,036 --> 00:52:47,037
I mean, I have a reputation to uphold.
926
00:52:47,205 --> 00:52:48,372
Don't you, though?
927
00:52:50,876 --> 00:52:54,879
All right, listen, don't tell anyone
I'm doing this, please.
928
00:52:55,046 --> 00:52:56,172
Here you go.
929
00:52:56,339 --> 00:52:58,215
- Here you go.
- I really don't need those.
930
00:52:58,383 --> 00:53:01,760
Oh, you really do. Here you go.
931
00:53:01,928 --> 00:53:03,512
Here you go. Okay?
932
00:53:03,680 --> 00:53:07,433
I just don't want this thing you're
going through to define your life.
933
00:53:07,601 --> 00:53:09,310
Olive, do what you gotta do. Okay?
934
00:53:09,477 --> 00:53:13,981
Let your freak flag fly. Just make sure
you have an exit strategy.
935
00:53:14,733 --> 00:53:18,110
Listen, Mrs. Griffith, I really...
I don't need these.
936
00:53:18,278 --> 00:53:20,696
The pill is not 100 percent effective.
937
00:53:20,864 --> 00:53:22,656
Ask some of your friends' parents.
938
00:53:23,700 --> 00:53:25,409
Thank you for coming in.
939
00:53:28,747 --> 00:53:31,999
Can you just send in the next person?
Thank you.
940
00:53:35,629 --> 00:53:37,254
You're up, hoss.
941
00:53:37,797 --> 00:53:40,341
Okay. Go. It's all right.
942
00:53:42,594 --> 00:53:44,887
Everything's gonna be okay.
943
00:53:51,353 --> 00:53:54,897
Don't you think it's a little strange
that your boyfriend is 22 years old...
944
00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:58,192
...and still in high school?
- Not that it's any of your business...
945
00:53:58,360 --> 00:53:59,735
...but he is here by choice.
946
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:03,864
It's his choice he's a fourth-year senior
that can't pass any test he takes?
947
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:06,367
His choice. His? His?
948
00:54:06,534 --> 00:54:07,576
Capital H?
949
00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:11,247
If God wanted him to graduate, God
would've given him the right answers.
950
00:54:14,626 --> 00:54:17,169
I'm sorry.
You gotta be shitting me, woman.
951
00:54:17,629 --> 00:54:20,089
Okay. So why was he blubbering
like a baby?
952
00:54:21,174 --> 00:54:24,760
- Is he struggling with his sexuality?
- No, you insensitive rhymes-with-witch.
953
00:54:24,928 --> 00:54:28,055
His parents are
going through a divorce.
954
00:54:31,476 --> 00:54:33,269
Okay.
955
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:44,822
You know,
sometimes our boyfriend's parents...
956
00:54:44,990 --> 00:54:46,448
...they get divorced, you know?
957
00:54:46,616 --> 00:54:50,577
And it's important to remember
it's not your fault.
958
00:54:50,745 --> 00:54:51,787
So I gotta go.
959
00:54:53,164 --> 00:54:57,710
But they go to our church.
What will people say?
960
00:55:02,007 --> 00:55:06,343
How long do these embraces usually
last? Because I gotta go, but l...
961
00:55:06,511 --> 00:55:09,179
- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yes, I'm gonna be okay.
962
00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,056
Mrs. Griffith is amazing...
963
00:55:11,224 --> 00:55:14,977
...and she's gonna help Micah,
and everything's gonna be okay.
964
00:55:16,104 --> 00:55:19,815
See? All right, that's the spirit.
Everything's gonna be okay.
965
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:21,650
Okay.
966
00:55:26,072 --> 00:55:28,991
Wait. Why are you even
being so nice to me?
967
00:55:31,077 --> 00:55:32,995
I did it.
968
00:55:34,039 --> 00:55:35,122
I got through to you.
969
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:41,128
I'm so sorry about everything I said.
I am so, so sorry.
970
00:55:41,296 --> 00:55:45,507
I mean, I really want us to be friends.
Can we please be friends?
971
00:55:46,343 --> 00:55:47,468
Absolutely.
972
00:55:50,638 --> 00:55:53,891
And for a day,
we were actually really good friends.
973
00:55:54,059 --> 00:55:56,977
I was kind of starting to think
things were gonna turn around.
974
00:55:57,145 --> 00:55:58,937
Olive!
975
00:55:59,105 --> 00:56:01,523
- Friend.
- Hey, friend.
976
00:56:01,691 --> 00:56:03,400
- I missed you.
- Oh, I missed you more.
977
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:06,737
She texted me in first period.
978
00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:16,830
By second period,
we apparently had private jokes.
979
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:19,208
Olive. Olive.
980
00:56:22,879 --> 00:56:25,130
Tragedy struck in Wood Shop.
981
00:56:25,298 --> 00:56:27,424
It wasn't because
someone sawed off a thumb...
982
00:56:27,592 --> 00:56:29,093
... which has happened.
983
00:56:29,260 --> 00:56:32,137
Micah is in the hospital.
He is in so much pain.
984
00:56:32,305 --> 00:56:35,432
The nurse didn't know
what was wrong.
985
00:56:36,101 --> 00:56:38,102
There, there.
986
00:56:45,235 --> 00:56:47,486
It hurts so bad, Mommy.
987
00:56:47,654 --> 00:56:50,239
Well, it's just what I thought.
Chlamydia.
988
00:56:50,532 --> 00:56:51,865
No.
989
00:56:52,033 --> 00:56:55,619
Who have you been screwing?
Tell me.
990
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:59,790
Tell me now
or I will kill you right here.
991
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:03,293
Olive. Olive Penderghast!
992
00:57:06,589 --> 00:57:09,216
Olive. Olive Penderghast.
993
00:57:09,384 --> 00:57:11,718
I have to call you back.
Okay. Bye-bye.
994
00:57:11,886 --> 00:57:14,096
Goddamn it.
995
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:18,559
Chlamydia?!
996
00:57:20,812 --> 00:57:22,771
That bitch!
997
00:57:24,983 --> 00:57:26,567
- Olive?
- Hey.
998
00:57:28,653 --> 00:57:32,448
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Goddamn it.
999
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:35,659
I panicked.
1000
00:57:35,827 --> 00:57:38,745
I said I got it
from Olive Penderghast.
1001
00:57:38,913 --> 00:57:42,040
I know, but what was
I supposed to say?
1002
00:57:42,208 --> 00:57:44,877
You know, and then my mom
tells Marianne's mom.
1003
00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,713
I did. I tried to blame it
on their divorce...
1004
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,966
...but my mom is not buying it.
1005
00:57:51,509 --> 00:57:53,844
That's it. I have to tell them.
1006
00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:58,015
No, I do not care that you
gave me chlamydia. I don't!
1007
00:57:58,224 --> 00:58:02,728
I love you and I want to be with you,
and nobody can stop us.
1008
00:58:02,896 --> 00:58:06,773
Not my mother, not Marianne,
and not even the school board...
1009
00:58:06,941 --> 00:58:09,276
...or the president of the Americas!
1010
00:58:10,195 --> 00:58:13,864
Oh, God.
1011
00:58:18,870 --> 00:58:21,455
What? What do you want?
What do you want?
1012
00:58:21,623 --> 00:58:23,207
Just go.
1013
00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:28,504
Perfect. Just perfect.
1014
00:58:29,380 --> 00:58:32,299
I'm sorry, I just...
I was looking for Marianne.
1015
00:58:32,467 --> 00:58:34,426
Did she say anything
about being mad at me?
1016
00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:36,386
She just smacked
the bejesus out of me.
1017
00:58:36,554 --> 00:58:39,431
No, that's my fault.
I'm so sorry, Olive. I'm sorry.
1018
00:58:39,599 --> 00:58:43,477
But I messed up, okay?
I just goddamn shit...
1019
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:48,148
...goddamn messed up
really goddamn shit bad.
1020
00:58:48,316 --> 00:58:50,234
Goddamn. Shit, goddamn.
1021
00:58:50,401 --> 00:58:54,530
Okay. Don't get me wrong
because I love it...
1022
00:58:54,697 --> 00:58:58,408
...but I don't think you're supposed to
use that language in front of a student.
1023
00:58:58,576 --> 00:59:01,578
You know what else you're not
supposed to do, is sleep with them.
1024
00:59:01,746 --> 00:59:03,997
But that didn't stop me. Goddamn shit.
1025
00:59:04,749 --> 00:59:07,501
Wait. You... Oh, my God.
1026
00:59:07,669 --> 00:59:11,088
But I'm not... I'm not judging
you or anything, but, oh, my God.
1027
00:59:11,256 --> 00:59:15,175
L... Wait, what does that
have to do with me?
1028
00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,427
You should know
that my marriage is not great.
1029
00:59:17,595 --> 00:59:19,263
We haven't slept together
in months.
1030
00:59:19,430 --> 00:59:20,472
In months, all right?
1031
00:59:20,640 --> 00:59:24,685
Finally, this great-looking guy comes
in and he's nice to me, you know?
1032
00:59:24,852 --> 00:59:26,061
And he's not a minor.
1033
00:59:26,229 --> 00:59:30,440
This is legal. It's legal
because he's been here forever, okay?
1034
00:59:30,608 --> 00:59:33,402
He's not the sharpest
Christian in the Bible, all right?
1035
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:36,780
And then he finds out
that he has chlamydia.
1036
00:59:36,948 --> 00:59:39,908
And so then he's telling
everybody that it was you.
1037
00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:41,785
He didn't want me
to lose my job...
1038
00:59:41,953 --> 00:59:45,372
...and he doesn't wanna get in trouble
either, so he said it's you.
1039
00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:46,748
I'm sorry.
1040
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:50,919
But I'Il... I'm gonna fix it, Olive.
Okay? I'll tell everyone.
1041
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:55,966
I'm gonna tell everyone that it's me.
Okay? I'll just... I'll lose my job.
1042
00:59:56,467 --> 00:59:59,803
And, you know, whatever else I lose,
and then that's okay.
1043
01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:06,560
Maybe it was becoming a habit
of mine to help the downtrodden...
1044
01:00:06,728 --> 01:00:08,687
... or maybe I just couldn't stand
to see...
1045
01:00:08,855 --> 01:00:10,772
... my favorite teacher's
marriage crumble.
1046
01:00:10,940 --> 01:00:13,150
Either way, I decided to help.
1047
01:00:13,651 --> 01:00:15,819
I could have chlamydia.
1048
01:00:17,363 --> 01:00:21,450
I mean, I could have easily given it
to Micah.
1049
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:23,493
I mean, who knows?
1050
01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:26,580
Women oftentimes
don't show symptoms.
1051
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:29,082
And the whole world knows
I've been whoring around.
1052
01:00:29,250 --> 01:00:30,792
No, you haven't. No, you haven't.
1053
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:36,298
Because a real whore can't admit it
to herself, much less others. Trust me.
1054
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:40,594
Call Micah.
1055
01:00:40,762 --> 01:00:44,139
Tell him he is an ass and
he owes me so big for this, but also...
1056
01:00:44,307 --> 01:00:47,142
...tell him I confessed
to giving him chlamydia.
1057
01:00:54,692 --> 01:00:57,194
Getting a lot of hugs today.
1058
01:00:57,820 --> 01:01:00,322
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- Get out of here!
1059
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:05,202
I guess I shouldn't be too shocked
these people...
1060
01:01:05,370 --> 01:01:07,120
... wanted my diseased ass
out of there.
1061
01:01:07,288 --> 01:01:08,330
Save yourself, Olive.
1062
01:01:08,498 --> 01:01:11,333
The funny thing is, the whole time
this all was going down...
1063
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:14,544
... I couldn't help but think
I could've come up with better signs.
1064
01:01:14,712 --> 01:01:16,546
Although you gotta love
the Quiznos guy.
1065
01:01:16,714 --> 01:01:19,883
That's the one thing
that trumps religion: Capitalism.
1066
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:21,468
Why are you doing this?
1067
01:01:21,636 --> 01:01:23,762
I'm trying to make this school
a better place.
1068
01:01:23,930 --> 01:01:26,223
Start a petition to get rid
of the lead paint.
1069
01:01:26,391 --> 01:01:27,724
New Honey Chicken at Quiznos.
1070
01:01:27,892 --> 01:01:30,143
- Not now, Quiznos.
- You're a slut.
1071
01:01:30,311 --> 01:01:31,478
You're going down, Olive.
1072
01:01:31,646 --> 01:01:34,981
If this is because I'm more popular
than you, then I think what you're...
1073
01:01:35,149 --> 01:01:37,651
Let's not mistake popularity
for infamy.
1074
01:01:37,819 --> 01:01:40,696
- You don't wanna burn, do you?
- I'll be praying for you.
1075
01:01:45,743 --> 01:01:47,452
Sorry.
1076
01:01:48,079 --> 01:01:51,581
- You okay?
- Yeah. I'm awesome. I'm awesome.
1077
01:01:51,749 --> 01:01:53,250
Screw all these people, Olive.
1078
01:01:53,418 --> 01:01:55,585
Haven't you heard?
1079
01:01:55,753 --> 01:01:57,921
I already did.
1080
01:01:58,089 --> 01:02:01,091
- You're going to hell, Olive!
- What you're doing is wrong.
1081
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:03,427
You're going to hell!
1082
01:02:08,266 --> 01:02:10,434
So they got Rhiannon.
1083
01:02:10,601 --> 01:02:13,854
Never underestimate the power
of extremists like Marianne.
1084
01:02:14,021 --> 01:02:17,774
They sense any weakness,
they pounce like jungle cats.
1085
01:02:17,942 --> 01:02:20,694
And the whack pack
just gets bigger and bigger.
1086
01:02:20,862 --> 01:02:22,946
But at least they have a pack.
1087
01:02:23,114 --> 01:02:26,992
I was used to being by myself,
but I had never felt more alone.
1088
01:02:27,160 --> 01:02:30,620
I thought I should look into what they
were running around thumping about.
1089
01:02:30,788 --> 01:02:33,081
- Do you have a religion section?
- It's over there.
1090
01:02:33,249 --> 01:02:35,250
- Can I help you with something?
- The Bible.
1091
01:02:35,418 --> 01:02:38,378
That's in bestsellers,
right next to Twilight.
1092
01:02:40,131 --> 01:02:42,340
I didn't have time
to read the whole thing...
1093
01:02:42,508 --> 01:02:44,050
... because it's, like, 600 pages.
1094
01:02:44,218 --> 01:02:45,719
Single-spaced.
1095
01:02:45,887 --> 01:02:48,472
And as every war
that's ever been fought can tell you...
1096
01:02:48,639 --> 01:02:50,640
... there are many ways
you can interpret it.
1097
01:02:50,808 --> 01:02:53,769
Except the Civil War.
That was pure racism.
1098
01:02:53,936 --> 01:02:55,270
So I went to find an expert.
1099
01:02:55,813 --> 01:02:59,816
But really, I just kind of
wanted someone to talk to.
1100
01:03:01,152 --> 01:03:04,821
Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
1101
01:03:05,323 --> 01:03:07,240
I think that's how you
start these things.
1102
01:03:07,408 --> 01:03:09,659
I'm just going off
what I've seen in movies.
1103
01:03:09,827 --> 01:03:11,870
Where do I even start?
1104
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:16,291
I've been pretending to be...
1105
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:18,335
What is the Catholic way
of phrasing this?
1106
01:03:18,503 --> 01:03:20,337
A harlot?
1107
01:03:21,506 --> 01:03:25,175
A harlot. It's not that
I've actually been doing...
1108
01:03:25,343 --> 01:03:29,012
...the things that people have
been saying I've been doing...
1109
01:03:29,180 --> 01:03:31,306
...but then again,
I'm not denying them either.
1110
01:03:31,474 --> 01:03:34,893
So I was just wondering,
is that wrong?
1111
01:03:35,520 --> 01:03:40,023
It's just that a lot of people
have been asking me to do things...
1112
01:03:40,191 --> 01:03:46,363
...and I thought it was okay
because it wasn't real, you know?
1113
01:03:48,115 --> 01:03:50,283
It was make-believe.
1114
01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,869
And no one was getting hurt...
1115
01:03:56,666 --> 01:03:59,751
...but a lot of people hate me now.
1116
01:04:03,297 --> 01:04:05,757
I kind of hate me too.
1117
01:04:11,722 --> 01:04:13,932
I might be wrong...
1118
01:04:14,725 --> 01:04:16,726
...but aren't you
supposed to say something?
1119
01:04:16,894 --> 01:04:18,937
Tell me to say 10 Hail Marys,
pay a fine...
1120
01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:21,606
...advance token to nearest railroad?
Hello?
1121
01:04:23,901 --> 01:04:25,402
Should've seen that one coming.
1122
01:04:32,326 --> 01:04:35,704
Luckily, I live in a town
with many different places of worship.
1123
01:04:35,872 --> 01:04:38,415
So I went to find one
with a real live human being.
1124
01:04:38,833 --> 01:04:39,875
Can I help you?
1125
01:04:40,042 --> 01:04:42,669
Yeah, I was just wondering
if there's a minister around.
1126
01:04:43,337 --> 01:04:45,297
Is it not a minister?
1127
01:04:45,464 --> 01:04:47,507
A Reverend? A wizard?
1128
01:04:47,675 --> 01:04:49,551
It's a pastor, and he's here.
1129
01:04:51,178 --> 01:04:52,596
How can I help you today?
1130
01:04:52,763 --> 01:04:56,099
I was wondering what your church's
stance on lying and adultery was.
1131
01:04:56,267 --> 01:04:57,267
It's not a good thing.
1132
01:04:57,435 --> 01:05:01,771
Oh, I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, then... Now, tell me this.
1133
01:05:01,939 --> 01:05:03,356
Assuming there is a hell...
1134
01:05:03,524 --> 01:05:06,651
Oh, the Christian Church recognizes
the existence of hell.
1135
01:05:06,819 --> 01:05:09,112
Okay, so we'II just say
there's a "hell."
1136
01:05:09,280 --> 01:05:11,406
There is. Just so we're clear.
1137
01:05:11,574 --> 01:05:15,076
- Okay. So for argument's sake...
- No, there's no argument. It's there.
1138
01:05:15,244 --> 01:05:18,830
Right below our feet,
right above the Orient. It's there.
1139
01:05:21,083 --> 01:05:24,753
Then what would be worse,
lying or adultery?
1140
01:05:24,921 --> 01:05:27,631
Or is lying about adultery
just like double whammy? Sorry.
1141
01:05:27,798 --> 01:05:29,299
Come on.
1142
01:05:32,219 --> 01:05:34,137
I'm sorry,
what did you say your name was?
1143
01:05:34,847 --> 01:05:38,308
I didn't. L... You know what?
I'm just gonna...
1144
01:05:38,476 --> 01:05:40,810
I'm just gonna go check out
Judaism because...
1145
01:05:40,978 --> 01:05:42,979
- God. Two frames, really?
- Sorry.
1146
01:05:43,147 --> 01:05:45,273
The Jews and I have a lot in common.
1147
01:05:45,441 --> 01:05:48,193
- Just fashion-wise and stuff.
- Off you go.
1148
01:05:48,361 --> 01:05:51,404
Yes, I had unwittingly sought advice
from the father...
1149
01:05:51,572 --> 01:05:53,657
... of the leader of my lynch mob.
1150
01:05:53,824 --> 01:05:58,954
What other complete and total idiot
can say that's happened to them?
1151
01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:05,251
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to The Other Boleyn Girl...
1152
01:06:05,419 --> 01:06:08,088
...or The Bucket List. Huge hit.
1153
01:06:08,255 --> 01:06:11,174
Why can't we watch a movie for kids?
You always get to pick.
1154
01:06:11,342 --> 01:06:15,011
Because the Family Member
of the Week gets to pick the movie.
1155
01:06:15,179 --> 01:06:17,764
Yeah, but you get Family Member
of the Week every week.
1156
01:06:17,932 --> 01:06:19,432
And there's a reason for that.
1157
01:06:19,600 --> 01:06:22,268
Yeah. You pick
Family Member of the Week.
1158
01:06:22,436 --> 01:06:23,937
Are you accusing me of nepotism?
1159
01:06:24,105 --> 01:06:27,649
Okay, it's The Bucket List.
This is it. This is the greatest decision.
1160
01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:30,944
I'm so happy with this decision.
That's what it's going to be.
1161
01:06:31,112 --> 01:06:34,072
All right, now, honey, after we watch
The Bucket List...
1162
01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:38,785
...remember to cross "Watch
The Bucket List" off our bucket list.
1163
01:06:38,953 --> 01:06:39,995
Guys.
1164
01:06:40,162 --> 01:06:45,291
I want you to know that if you hear
I have chlamydia, that is totally false.
1165
01:06:45,459 --> 01:06:47,961
Olive, do we need
to have the talk again?
1166
01:06:48,129 --> 01:06:50,505
No. It's just a thing
that's going around.
1167
01:06:50,673 --> 01:06:53,550
You know, nothing you're saying
is making me feel any better.
1168
01:06:53,718 --> 01:06:56,386
Not to mention how you've been
dressing the last few days.
1169
01:06:56,554 --> 01:06:58,430
No judgment,
but you look like a stripper.
1170
01:06:58,597 --> 01:07:01,057
- Mom.
- A high-end stripper.
1171
01:07:01,225 --> 01:07:02,851
For governors or athletes.
1172
01:07:03,019 --> 01:07:04,352
But stripper, nonetheless.
1173
01:07:04,520 --> 01:07:07,188
Oh, my God.
I'm just trying to mix it up a little.
1174
01:07:07,356 --> 01:07:09,149
And I have no STDs, I promise you.
1175
01:07:09,316 --> 01:07:11,776
Oh, that's great.
Daughter of the Year.
1176
01:07:11,944 --> 01:07:13,737
If you hear anything
to the contrary...
1177
01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:16,114
...come up with some funny retort
and walk away.
1178
01:07:16,282 --> 01:07:19,075
Honey, you're kind of
starting to worry us a little.
1179
01:07:19,243 --> 01:07:21,244
Should we be kind of
worried a little?
1180
01:07:21,412 --> 01:07:23,246
I don't think so.
1181
01:07:23,414 --> 01:07:26,374
- You sure?
- Yeah.
1182
01:07:26,625 --> 01:07:29,419
Yeah. I got it all under control.
1183
01:07:30,629 --> 01:07:31,671
- Okay.
- Okay.
1184
01:07:31,839 --> 01:07:34,007
Then let's Bucket List this bitch.
1185
01:07:34,175 --> 01:07:36,009
The Bucket List, The Bucket List.
1186
01:07:36,177 --> 01:07:38,553
To say this whole thing
had taken over my life...
1187
01:07:38,721 --> 01:07:41,181
...would be
a colossal understatement.
1188
01:07:41,390 --> 01:07:44,601
I actually reread The Scarlet Letter
to see how Hester dealt with it.
1189
01:07:44,769 --> 01:07:49,606
And it turns out she bore
her punishment in humble silence...
1190
01:07:49,774 --> 01:07:52,942
...which are two concepts
I am not comfortable with.
1191
01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:55,320
With all the mythical play
I was getting...
1192
01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:58,490
... I still actually hadn't been
asked out on a real date.
1193
01:07:58,657 --> 01:08:01,743
People were jumping up and down
to say they'd slept with me...
1194
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:04,370
... but no one bothered
really trying to sleep with me.
1195
01:08:04,538 --> 01:08:07,457
I was starting to think I actually did
have a gnome down there.
1196
01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:10,001
- Until finally...
- Hey, Olive.
1197
01:08:10,628 --> 01:08:12,378
Hey, Anson. What's up?
1198
01:08:12,546 --> 01:08:14,672
I was wondering
if you were busy tonight.
1199
01:08:14,840 --> 01:08:17,759
Maybe wanna go out or something?
1200
01:08:18,928 --> 01:08:20,386
What did you have in mind?
1201
01:08:20,554 --> 01:08:23,264
I was thinking about getting
a hot-air balloon, you know...
1202
01:08:23,432 --> 01:08:25,141
...bringing along some champagne...
1203
01:08:25,309 --> 01:08:28,645
...and then possibly reading
some Sylvia Plath.
1204
01:08:28,813 --> 01:08:32,190
Or we could just go
to The Lobster Shack...
1205
01:08:32,358 --> 01:08:34,400
...because it's, you know,
a little easier.
1206
01:08:34,568 --> 01:08:37,695
- I love The Lobster Shack.
- Good.
1207
01:08:37,863 --> 01:08:39,322
Okay. It's a date, then.
1208
01:08:40,491 --> 01:08:43,076
- Okay.
- Okay.
1209
01:08:44,787 --> 01:08:47,539
So should I still bring
the Sylvia Plath or?
1210
01:08:47,706 --> 01:08:49,666
No, we could stick our heads
in the oven...
1211
01:08:49,834 --> 01:08:51,918
...if we run out of things
to talk about.
1212
01:08:52,670 --> 01:08:53,670
That was...
1213
01:08:53,838 --> 01:08:55,797
- Cool. All right. Well...
- Cool.
1214
01:09:04,682 --> 01:09:05,974
You look really beautiful.
1215
01:09:06,142 --> 01:09:07,851
Thank you.
1216
01:09:10,020 --> 01:09:11,729
- You're a real gentleman.
- No.
1217
01:09:11,897 --> 01:09:16,401
Just a guy having dinner with a girl.
1218
01:09:27,663 --> 01:09:31,207
Do you believe this whole thing
about lobster being an aphrodisiac?
1219
01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:33,877
I did not know it was.
1220
01:09:34,044 --> 01:09:36,504
Medical science really
has not substantiated claims...
1221
01:09:36,672 --> 01:09:39,883
...that any particular food increases
sexual desire or performance...
1222
01:09:40,050 --> 01:09:42,886
...but guys just spend and spend
to ply women with food...
1223
01:09:43,053 --> 01:09:46,556
...they think is gonna get them lucky.
Which is funny, because, it's like...
1224
01:09:46,724 --> 01:09:49,809
...what is sexy about
slurping back oysters? Nothing.
1225
01:09:49,977 --> 01:09:53,563
Did you know some people actually
eat ground-up rhinoceros horn...
1226
01:09:53,731 --> 01:09:56,774
...because it's thought to increase
the size of the male sex organ?
1227
01:09:56,942 --> 01:09:58,902
That's not true at all.
1228
01:09:59,069 --> 01:10:01,696
Spanish fly. Spanish fly.
You've heard of this? Yes?
1229
01:10:01,864 --> 01:10:03,406
- Yes.
- Okay. That thing?
1230
01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:05,700
Pulverized blister beetle. What?
1231
01:10:05,868 --> 01:10:09,412
And it's illegal in the U.S. Because
if you eat just a little bit too much...
1232
01:10:09,580 --> 01:10:12,749
...it causes painful urination,
fever and bloody discharge.
1233
01:10:12,917 --> 01:10:14,292
- Am I talking too much?
- No.
1234
01:10:14,460 --> 01:10:17,170
You're just burning through
a lot of topics really fast.
1235
01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:20,173
Shouldn't have had coffee
three weeks ago.
1236
01:10:20,341 --> 01:10:21,382
I'm just kidding.
1237
01:10:21,550 --> 01:10:25,386
Your Maine lobster
with crab and seafood stuffing.
1238
01:10:26,764 --> 01:10:28,681
- I'm jealous.
- Thank you.
1239
01:10:29,475 --> 01:10:31,726
Let's dig in. Right?
1240
01:10:35,856 --> 01:10:38,316
I didn't know Woodchuck Todd
worked here.
1241
01:10:45,866 --> 01:10:47,158
He's dressed like a lobster.
1242
01:10:47,326 --> 01:10:50,245
I should start calling him
Lobster Todd.
1243
01:10:55,918 --> 01:10:57,126
Shit.
1244
01:10:57,294 --> 01:10:59,087
- Shit, shit, shit.
- What? What's wrong?
1245
01:10:59,255 --> 01:11:00,755
- Rhiannon's over there.
- So?
1246
01:11:00,923 --> 01:11:03,174
She's been in love with you
since 1 st grade.
1247
01:11:03,342 --> 01:11:05,885
- She's my best friend.
- I thought you weren't speaking.
1248
01:11:06,053 --> 01:11:08,388
But that doesn't mean
she's not my best friend.
1249
01:11:08,555 --> 01:11:10,098
Or that I should be out with you.
1250
01:11:10,266 --> 01:11:12,642
Rhi and I don't have
anything in common.
1251
01:11:12,810 --> 01:11:14,560
- And you and I do?
- Yeah.
1252
01:11:14,728 --> 01:11:17,814
- Like what?
- Like I hate Marianne Bryant too.
1253
01:11:17,982 --> 01:11:20,817
If that's our connection,
I should date the entire school.
1254
01:11:20,985 --> 01:11:22,735
Haven't you?
1255
01:11:23,946 --> 01:11:26,489
No. No, I haven't.
1256
01:11:29,868 --> 01:11:31,577
Okay, she can't see us.
Check. Check.
1257
01:11:31,745 --> 01:11:34,038
Can you just...? Excuse me? Hi.
1258
01:11:34,665 --> 01:11:38,543
I just remembered
I am so allergic to shellfish.
1259
01:11:38,711 --> 01:11:41,004
I forget that my respiratory system
will collapse.
1260
01:11:41,171 --> 01:11:43,423
- I have a gift certificate. Keep the tip.
- Thanks.
1261
01:11:43,590 --> 01:11:45,133
I'm sorry, but we have to go.
1262
01:11:45,301 --> 01:11:48,052
- Go. Go. Come on. Come on.
- Okay.
1263
01:11:48,220 --> 01:11:49,804
Go, go, go.
1264
01:11:57,813 --> 01:11:59,856
I'm sorry about that.
1265
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:04,569
I've got something for you.
1266
01:12:05,946 --> 01:12:08,197
Two hundred dollars
to The Home Depot.
1267
01:12:14,788 --> 01:12:16,122
I didn't realize this was a...
1268
01:12:16,290 --> 01:12:20,043
I know it sounds kind of lame, but they
really do have some awesome stuff.
1269
01:12:20,210 --> 01:12:22,712
I bought my air compressor there.
1270
01:12:24,214 --> 01:12:26,883
So, what did we do on this date?
1271
01:12:27,051 --> 01:12:28,634
Whatever 200 bucks gets me.
1272
01:12:31,055 --> 01:12:34,098
- That's not really how it works.
- It's okay.
1273
01:12:34,892 --> 01:12:36,392
Stop.
1274
01:12:36,560 --> 01:12:39,228
I'm not really having sex with people
for money.
1275
01:12:39,396 --> 01:12:43,358
I'm saying I'm having sex for money,
but I'm not having sex for money.
1276
01:12:43,525 --> 01:12:45,193
It's okay. It's all right. Come on.
1277
01:12:45,361 --> 01:12:47,028
- Stop. No, no.
- What?
1278
01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:48,446
Stop!
1279
01:12:48,614 --> 01:12:51,199
Come on, just relax. Come on, babe.
It's all right.
1280
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:54,452
God. Asshole.
1281
01:12:58,624 --> 01:13:01,876
What are you doing? I paid you.
1282
01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:04,754
Now you didn't.
1283
01:13:06,757 --> 01:13:09,759
Come on, this is bullshit.
1284
01:13:14,098 --> 01:13:15,973
Goddamn it.
1285
01:13:17,184 --> 01:13:18,935
Hey, Olive.
1286
01:13:20,354 --> 01:13:22,230
Todd, hi.
1287
01:13:27,611 --> 01:13:30,988
- Hey, you all right?
- I just have something in my eye.
1288
01:13:31,156 --> 01:13:34,534
Like a twig, you know, or a branch,
or a contact, or something.
1289
01:13:34,701 --> 01:13:38,955
- I didn't know you wore contacts.
- I don't, which is why I was tearing up.
1290
01:13:39,706 --> 01:13:43,835
Olive, hey. Let me drive you home.
1291
01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:54,637
Do you wanna talk about it?
1292
01:13:58,142 --> 01:14:02,395
What's to say?
Everybody thinks I'm a whore...
1293
01:14:03,188 --> 01:14:05,773
...and for the first time,
I'm starting to believe it.
1294
01:14:05,941 --> 01:14:06,983
What?
1295
01:14:07,151 --> 01:14:09,986
Don't act like you don't know
what people are saying about me.
1296
01:14:10,154 --> 01:14:12,989
I know what people are saying.
Doesn't mean I believe them.
1297
01:14:13,157 --> 01:14:14,991
- Who told you?
- No one.
1298
01:14:15,159 --> 01:14:18,411
No one had to tell me that once upon
a time, there was a scared kid...
1299
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:22,415
...at a party in a dark room
who was not ready for his first kiss.
1300
01:14:22,583 --> 01:14:27,044
And, you know, there was
this amazing girl who lied for him.
1301
01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:30,131
I still can't believe
you remember that.
1302
01:14:33,385 --> 01:14:36,429
You know, sometimes I pretend
you were my first real kiss.
1303
01:14:37,848 --> 01:14:39,515
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1304
01:14:41,310 --> 01:14:43,352
- Who was?
- It was Rhiannon.
1305
01:14:43,520 --> 01:14:45,229
- What?
- She must have told you.
1306
01:14:45,397 --> 01:14:49,609
Yeah, it was... I think it was, like,
a year after that or something.
1307
01:14:49,776 --> 01:14:52,612
It sucked, by the way.
She was, like:
1308
01:14:52,779 --> 01:14:55,031
That bitch.
1309
01:14:55,199 --> 01:14:57,909
Oh, my God,
she knew how I felt about you.
1310
01:14:58,076 --> 01:15:00,953
- How do you feel about me?
- And here I am feeling so bad.
1311
01:15:01,121 --> 01:15:02,330
That's just perfect.
1312
01:15:02,498 --> 01:15:04,874
Wait, hold on a second.
How do you feel about me?
1313
01:15:05,083 --> 01:15:06,792
"Felt."
1314
01:15:07,169 --> 01:15:08,544
I said "felt."
1315
01:15:10,339 --> 01:15:13,633
Because I thought l...
I thought I heard "feel."
1316
01:15:13,800 --> 01:15:15,426
- No, it was "felt."
- All right.
1317
01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:17,637
How do you know where I live?
1318
01:15:17,804 --> 01:15:19,138
We used to carpool.
1319
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:22,975
Yeah, in 2nd grade. What, are you
like a savant for people's addresses?
1320
01:15:23,143 --> 01:15:25,228
Just for people who I think are cool.
1321
01:15:25,896 --> 01:15:28,064
- You think I'm cool?
- I do.
1322
01:15:28,232 --> 01:15:31,526
And I think you're pretty and smart.
1323
01:15:31,818 --> 01:15:34,612
Did you form this opinion
prior to my little transformation?
1324
01:15:34,780 --> 01:15:36,447
Way prior.
1325
01:15:37,824 --> 01:15:39,659
Why didn't that rumor spread?
1326
01:15:40,118 --> 01:15:41,869
I like to keep my business to myself.
1327
01:15:42,037 --> 01:15:44,038
Notoriety, for whatever reason...
1328
01:15:44,206 --> 01:15:47,083
...never seems to benefit the noted,
it's only the "notees."
1329
01:15:48,835 --> 01:15:50,419
Where were you two weeks ago?
1330
01:15:55,342 --> 01:15:56,509
Olive.
1331
01:15:57,719 --> 01:16:02,557
If I promise not to tell anyone,
could I kiss you right now?
1332
01:16:06,270 --> 01:16:08,020
No.
1333
01:16:10,065 --> 01:16:12,275
- Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.
- Oh, no.
1334
01:16:12,442 --> 01:16:14,569
I just mean, not like this.
1335
01:16:14,736 --> 01:16:17,613
I don't wanna kiss you with mascara
running down my face...
1336
01:16:17,781 --> 01:16:20,283
...and some horndog guy
just having tried...
1337
01:16:20,450 --> 01:16:23,494
...to stick his tongue
down my throat.
1338
01:16:24,621 --> 01:16:27,081
I've wanted to kiss you
since 8th grade...
1339
01:16:28,083 --> 01:16:30,418
...but I want it to be perfect.
1340
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:34,088
And right now, my life is a mess.
1341
01:16:34,506 --> 01:16:37,842
I need to get my business in order
before I drag you into it.
1342
01:16:38,010 --> 01:16:40,303
What if I told you
I wanna be dragged into it?
1343
01:16:41,263 --> 01:16:42,847
I could help, maybe.
1344
01:17:11,627 --> 01:17:12,793
Why now?
1345
01:17:13,962 --> 01:17:15,963
Why are you all of a sudden
into me now?
1346
01:17:16,131 --> 01:17:17,256
I don't know.
1347
01:17:17,716 --> 01:17:21,135
I haven't overanalyzed it,
like you're about to.
1348
01:17:25,641 --> 01:17:29,226
- Good night, Olive.
- Good night, Lobster Todd.
1349
01:17:31,188 --> 01:17:34,607
Now that I knew there were decent
and goodhearted people out there...
1350
01:17:34,775 --> 01:17:36,359
... the lies had to stop.
1351
01:17:36,526 --> 01:17:40,029
I knew there was only one person I
could count on to set the story straight:
1352
01:17:40,197 --> 01:17:41,197
Brandon.
1353
01:17:41,365 --> 01:17:44,617
I'd helped him, and even though
it would destroy his new reputation...
1354
01:17:44,785 --> 01:17:47,328
... as a straight stud,
I knew he'd help me.
1355
01:17:47,496 --> 01:17:50,122
Oh, my God. Did you hear that
Brandon ran away from home?
1356
01:17:50,290 --> 01:17:53,709
Yeah, totally. He left his parents
a note that said, "I'm gay, bitches"...
1357
01:17:53,877 --> 01:17:57,046
...and then he skipped town
with some big, hulking black guy.
1358
01:17:58,340 --> 01:17:59,840
My apologies to Mark Twain.
1359
01:18:00,008 --> 01:18:01,092
- Wait, huh?
- What?
1360
01:18:01,259 --> 01:18:03,219
- You said something.
- You said something.
1361
01:18:03,387 --> 01:18:05,262
You said something,
so I came back.
1362
01:18:05,430 --> 01:18:06,889
- You're funny. Okay.
- Call me.
1363
01:18:07,057 --> 01:18:10,226
I went to everyone I'd helped
and begged them to say it wasn't true.
1364
01:18:10,394 --> 01:18:12,561
No way. I gave you money.
1365
01:18:12,729 --> 01:18:16,357
You gave me a gift card to AutoZone.
I don't even have a car.
1366
01:18:16,525 --> 01:18:18,317
I thought it'd be aspirational.
1367
01:18:18,485 --> 01:18:22,697
Evan, please do this for me, all right?
I did that for you. Do this for me.
1368
01:18:22,864 --> 01:18:25,783
I don't want people to know
I didn't go to second base with you.
1369
01:18:25,951 --> 01:18:28,953
Do you know how many girls
I've hooked up with because of that?
1370
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:30,663
Girls are almost as dumb as boys.
1371
01:18:30,831 --> 01:18:33,541
Oh, yes, they are.
1372
01:18:37,045 --> 01:18:38,421
It gets worse.
1373
01:18:38,588 --> 01:18:40,214
"Honor your father
and your mother."
1374
01:18:40,382 --> 01:18:43,801
Due to his condition, Micah was sent
on a visit to his grandparents...
1375
01:18:43,969 --> 01:18:45,428
... in Palatka, Florida.
1376
01:18:45,595 --> 01:18:48,764
And if there's one thing worse
than chlamydia, it's Florida.
1377
01:18:48,932 --> 01:18:50,725
"...be guilty of adultery."
1378
01:18:50,892 --> 01:18:52,935
Get your hands
out of your berries, boy.
1379
01:18:53,103 --> 01:18:55,104
Olive, life is full of choices.
1380
01:18:55,272 --> 01:18:58,524
I made a bad one.
But then, so did you.
1381
01:18:58,692 --> 01:19:02,027
But I see no other alternative
than to just live with the guilt.
1382
01:19:02,195 --> 01:19:05,531
My guilt stems from my indiscretion
and yours for lying.
1383
01:19:06,116 --> 01:19:09,827
We made our choices.
Now, we just have to let it ride.
1384
01:19:09,995 --> 01:19:14,290
Or I could just tell everyone the truth
and get you fired and put in jail.
1385
01:19:14,458 --> 01:19:17,084
Okay, first of all, he is of age, okay?
1386
01:19:17,252 --> 01:19:19,462
It's perfectly legal
in the state of California.
1387
01:19:19,629 --> 01:19:22,214
I checked. He is 21 in eight months.
1388
01:19:22,382 --> 01:19:25,301
And secondly, let's play the Who
Would You Believe game, okay?
1389
01:19:25,469 --> 01:19:28,846
Why don't you ask yourself, if you
were an adult, who would you believe?
1390
01:19:29,014 --> 01:19:31,098
Who would you believe?
Who would you believe?
1391
01:19:31,266 --> 01:19:33,434
Who would you believe? Who?
1392
01:19:38,148 --> 01:19:40,357
Thank you for coming in.
1393
01:19:43,695 --> 01:19:48,073
Yeah, Mrs. Griffith was pure evil, but
I still shouldn't have done what I did.
1394
01:19:48,241 --> 01:19:51,035
Your wife has chlamydia,
and she's sleeping with a student...
1395
01:19:51,203 --> 01:19:53,829
...and she gave it to him,
and she's trying to blame me.
1396
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:56,707
What?
1397
01:20:00,170 --> 01:20:06,509
I'm sorry.
1398
01:20:07,302 --> 01:20:09,762
Mr. Griffith, if you ever see this...
1399
01:20:09,930 --> 01:20:15,851
...just know that I was wrong
to tell you that in that way. At all.
1400
01:20:16,186 --> 01:20:18,062
I shouldn't have done it.
1401
01:20:18,522 --> 01:20:21,190
And I don't even feel bad
for lying for your wife.
1402
01:20:21,358 --> 01:20:26,862
But I hate myself for telling you
the truth. I am so sorry.
1403
01:20:27,030 --> 01:20:31,158
With my words, even though
they were true, I ended a marriage.
1404
01:20:31,368 --> 01:20:35,788
Looking back, that's the thing
I regret the most.
1405
01:20:42,254 --> 01:20:47,633
So now everyone that knows the truth
is either gone or they won't fess up.
1406
01:20:47,801 --> 01:20:52,805
And Marianne Bryant and her
disciples are demanding my head.
1407
01:20:52,973 --> 01:20:56,559
The messed-up thing is I would not put
it past Principal Gibbons to expel me.
1408
01:20:56,726 --> 01:20:58,894
I had a similar situation
when I was your age.
1409
01:20:59,062 --> 01:21:00,729
What? Everyone called you a slut?
1410
01:21:00,897 --> 01:21:03,983
I had a horrible reputation and
people said awful things about me.
1411
01:21:04,484 --> 01:21:06,402
- Why?
- Because I was a slut.
1412
01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:10,990
I slept with a whole bunch of people.
A slew, a heap, a peck. Mostly guys.
1413
01:21:11,157 --> 01:21:13,450
- Mom.
- Sorry, I got around.
1414
01:21:13,618 --> 01:21:16,620
Before I met Dad,
I had incredibly low self-worth.
1415
01:21:16,788 --> 01:21:20,374
Do me a favor and just stuff this down
my throat until I asphyxiate to death.
1416
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:23,043
- It's true. It is.
- I want to die.
1417
01:21:23,211 --> 01:21:25,546
It's true.
I was quite the contortionist.
1418
01:21:25,714 --> 01:21:28,757
I could do this thing. I could go...
I mean, my leg all the way...
1419
01:21:28,925 --> 01:21:31,218
Stop. Can you stop?
Don't show me.
1420
01:21:31,386 --> 01:21:34,471
- Can you not see that I'm a mess?
- No, you're not, Olive.
1421
01:21:34,639 --> 01:21:36,390
You're wonderful.
1422
01:21:36,933 --> 01:21:39,101
And you'll handle this
the same way I did.
1423
01:21:39,269 --> 01:21:41,729
With an incontrovertible
sense of humor.
1424
01:21:43,023 --> 01:21:45,441
But you're much smarter than I am...
1425
01:21:45,609 --> 01:21:48,694
...so you'll come out of this
much better than I did.
1426
01:21:51,448 --> 01:21:52,615
Thank you, Mom.
1427
01:21:53,950 --> 01:21:58,454
- I could get my leg so far back.
- No, no, no. Stop it.
1428
01:21:58,622 --> 01:22:01,457
So it was time to put an end
to all this once and for all...
1429
01:22:01,625 --> 01:22:03,250
... by telling my side of the story.
1430
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:05,544
And that's why I decided
to do this webcast.
1431
01:22:05,712 --> 01:22:08,005
So here we go.
1432
01:22:09,633 --> 01:22:11,300
Part five.
1433
01:22:11,468 --> 01:22:13,594
Not with a fizzle, but with a bang.
1434
01:22:13,762 --> 01:22:17,640
Today we had yet another
one of our ridiculous pep rallies.
1435
01:22:17,807 --> 01:22:20,976
Todd convinced the band to play
the sexiest song in their repertoire.
1436
01:22:21,144 --> 01:22:24,730
I needed to pique everyone's interest
to get them to go home and log on.
1437
01:22:24,898 --> 01:22:28,275
I had one outfit left and I figured
about 30 seconds to do it.
1438
01:22:28,443 --> 01:22:31,195
Plus I really wanted
my own awesome musical number...
1439
01:22:31,821 --> 01:22:33,864
... for no apparent reason.
1440
01:22:38,578 --> 01:22:39,828
Is that Olive?
1441
01:24:04,414 --> 01:24:06,290
This was just a free preview.
1442
01:24:06,458 --> 01:24:12,087
For the main event, log on to
www.FreeOlive.com tonight at 6 p.m.
1443
01:24:12,255 --> 01:24:15,507
And I know it interferes with
the basketball game but, come on...
1444
01:24:15,675 --> 01:24:17,760
...would you rather cheer on
the Woodchucks...
1445
01:24:17,927 --> 01:24:20,137
...or watch me do one?
1446
01:24:21,639 --> 01:24:24,892
What do you think you're doing?
Get to my office right now.
1447
01:24:25,060 --> 01:24:28,687
I can't, because I have a date with the
guy I like and the rest of the school.
1448
01:24:28,855 --> 01:24:32,066
I think before you expel me,
you might wanna talk to Mrs. Griffith...
1449
01:24:32,233 --> 01:24:34,943
...because I think she might
talk you into letting me stay.
1450
01:24:35,111 --> 01:24:37,613
Go, Woodchucks!
1451
01:24:47,582 --> 01:24:50,084
And here you all are...
1452
01:24:50,251 --> 01:24:53,128
...waiting outside the bedroom door
for me to kiss Todd...
1453
01:24:53,296 --> 01:24:55,839
... listening to me pretend
to have sex with Brandon...
1454
01:24:56,007 --> 01:24:58,217
... paying me to lie for you...
1455
01:24:58,384 --> 01:25:00,427
... and calling me
every name in the book.
1456
01:25:00,637 --> 01:25:03,388
You know, it was just like Hester
in The Scarlet Letter.
1457
01:25:03,556 --> 01:25:06,058
Except that's the one thing
the movies don't tell you:
1458
01:25:06,226 --> 01:25:11,438
How shitty it feels to be an outcast.
Warranted or not.
1459
01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:22,699
How did you know I love this song?
1460
01:25:22,867 --> 01:25:24,159
I guessed.
1461
01:25:24,327 --> 01:25:27,746
I see you've been watching my live
webcast. It's still going on, you know.
1462
01:25:27,914 --> 01:25:31,291
Screw them. They've had
enough of you. Figuratively speaking.
1463
01:25:31,459 --> 01:25:34,461
I borrowed my neighbor's mower.
I came right over.
1464
01:25:34,629 --> 01:25:35,671
That almost rhymed.
1465
01:25:35,839 --> 01:25:38,382
I know. I spent a minute on it.
1466
01:25:38,550 --> 01:25:40,551
I'll be right down.
1467
01:25:42,220 --> 01:25:44,012
That's Todd.
1468
01:25:44,180 --> 01:25:49,143
Not that I owe you guys any more
confessions, but I really like this guy...
1469
01:25:49,310 --> 01:25:53,564
... and I might even lose my virginity
to him.
1470
01:25:54,232 --> 01:25:56,150
I don't know when it'II happen.
1471
01:25:56,317 --> 01:25:59,361
You know, it might be five minutes
from now or tonight...
1472
01:25:59,946 --> 01:26:03,448
...or six months from now
or maybe on our wedding night.
1473
01:26:03,616 --> 01:26:08,495
But the really amazing thing is,
it is nobody's goddamn business.
1474
01:26:10,874 --> 01:26:12,249
Come on, where's she going?
1475
01:26:12,417 --> 01:26:14,626
I thought she was going
to take her clothes off.
1476
01:26:14,794 --> 01:26:17,337
Demi Moore took her clothes off.
This is bullshit.
1477
01:26:17,505 --> 01:26:20,966
Come on. Are you kidding me?
1478
01:26:22,927 --> 01:26:25,679
- Piss off.
- Come here, you punk.
1479
01:26:28,725 --> 01:26:30,225
Jack?
1480
01:26:58,004 --> 01:27:00,422
That's a mighty snug little shelter,
Huck.
1481
01:27:00,590 --> 01:27:02,049
I judge it's all right.
1482
01:27:02,217 --> 01:27:04,259
Here, Jim, I'll take my turn
at steering now.
1483
01:27:04,427 --> 01:27:06,803
No, that's all right, Huck.
I like steering.
1484
01:27:49,764 --> 01:27:51,640
Blue Devils!