1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,714 Tensions are rising as the stand-off 3 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:51,801 between the world community and the rogue North African nation of Wadiya 4 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,094 intensified today 5 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:57,140 as U.N. Weapons inspectors were once again refused access to the country 6 00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,476 by Wadiyan leader, Admiral General Aladeen. 7 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,689 I will take no options off the table. And I mean what I say. 8 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,859 Tonight we ask... Who is General Aladeen? 9 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:10,069 According to Wadiyan propaganda, 10 00:01:10,154 --> 00:01:13,281 Haffaz Aladeen was born in 1973. 11 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:19,787 He did not know his mother, who died in childbirth. 12 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:25,084 General Aladeen was born the only son of the Colonel Aladeen, 13 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:27,462 himself a savage and violent dictator. 14 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,300 Next! 15 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,053 Known for his iconic beard, 16 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,639 he is protected by 30 female guards, 17 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,641 who he maintains are virgin. 18 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:52,487 Thrust into power at age seven, 19 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:56,324 he may just be the most dangerous man in the entire world. 20 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,326 All right, let's get right to it. 21 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,329 Do you have nuclear weapons? 22 00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:05,583 What was the question? 23 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,128 Do you have nuclear weapons? 24 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,421 Sorry, I can't hear you. 25 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:12,215 Are you developing nuclear weapons? 26 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,383 No, I literally can't hear you. 27 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,011 I'm going to another question. 28 00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:19,263 Oh, I can hear you now. 29 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,391 Eccentric and with unlimited oil wealth, 30 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,894 he recently hosted his own Olympic Games... 31 00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:27,396 On your mark, get set. 32 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,533 ...at which he won fourteen gold medals. 33 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,372 Aladeen! Aladeen! 34 00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:46,707 Often described as ignorant, 35 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:50,628 he changed over 300 Wadiyan words to "Aladeen," 36 00:02:50,712 --> 00:02:54,507 including the words "positive" and "negative," causing mass confusion. 37 00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:59,845 Do you want the Aladeen news or the Aladeen news? 38 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:03,474 The Aladeen news? 39 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,812 You are HIV-Aladeen. 40 00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:23,202 With pressure mounting, 41 00:03:23,287 --> 00:03:25,830 Aladeen addressed his nation today. 42 00:03:26,164 --> 00:03:28,332 Aladeen! Aladeen! 43 00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:01,115 People of Wadiya, 44 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,993 I come before you today 45 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:08,706 to tell you that the world shall kneel before our great nation. 46 00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:13,961 We are two months away from enriching weapons-grade uranium 47 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:21,552 to be used for peaceful purposes. 48 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:32,855 It will be used only for medical research 49 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,317 and clean energy. It will, it will. 50 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,153 And will certainly never be used 51 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,989 to attack Is... Oh, boy. 52 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:46,994 With that speech, today, 53 00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,664 the international community is asking one question: 54 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:53,501 Does the Mad Dog of Wadiya have nuclear weapons? 55 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,179 Now, show me my nuclear weapons! 56 00:05:05,263 --> 00:05:08,015 I can't wait! I can't wait! 57 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:26,325 This is the Beard of Doom rocket? 58 00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:29,662 This is my weapon? I will be a laughingstock! 59 00:05:29,955 --> 00:05:32,623 All my friends have got nuclear weapons. 60 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,375 Even Ahmadinejad! 61 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,920 And he looks like a snitch on Miami Vice. 62 00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,548 Would it kill him to wear a tie? 63 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:44,009 I mean, is every day in Iran casual Friday? 64 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:48,889 Where is the Head of my Nuclear Program and Procurer of Women? 65 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,058 Where is Nuclear Nadal? 66 00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,728 You had Nadal executed, Supreme Leader. 67 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,187 Why did I do that? 68 00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:01,986 Supreme Leader! 69 00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:03,571 Nadal. 70 00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,991 We are just months away from refining weapons-grade uranium, 71 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,910 and we are set to test the missile next week. 72 00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:14,457 It is too round on the top. It needs to be pointy. 73 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,752 Round is not scary. Pointy is scary. 74 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:20,004 This will put a smile on the faces of the enemy. 75 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:23,591 They will think that it is a huge robot dildo flying toward them. 76 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,050 No, Supreme Leader. 77 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,887 The shape of the missile top has nothing to do with aerodynamics. 78 00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:29,680 It is about the payload delivery. 79 00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:31,932 No. It sticks in the ground, and then kaboom. 80 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,893 Supreme Leader, I think perhaps 81 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:37,438 some of your information about bombs is coming from cartoons. 82 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,857 Nonsense. They were research films. 83 00:06:40,317 --> 00:06:42,610 And in them, the victims of the bomb 84 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,778 would get very sooty faces 85 00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,865 and then a see-through version of themselves 86 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,577 started rising up towards Heaven while playing a harp. 87 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:55,039 In this film, just one question, 88 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:59,043 was there a duck who, when the explosion is happens, 89 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:02,338 his bill goes around to the back of his head, 90 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:05,549 and then in order to talk, he has to put it back this way? 91 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:09,261 There was somebody who suffered a deformity like that. 92 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,596 Okay. 93 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:14,016 I am now 100 % sure that you are watching cartoons. 94 00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,310 Have you spoken to the experts about this? 95 00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:19,313 - Have you consulted Professor Bobeye? - Who? 96 00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:22,816 Professor Bobeye, the one with the incredibly strong forearms 97 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:24,944 that are miss-sized for his body. 98 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,446 The man you are discussing is called Popeye. 99 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490 - Bobeye. - He is not a professor. 100 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:33,369 Popeye is, as the song tells us, a sailor man. 101 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:37,248 Indulge me. For one second, pretend that I'm an idiot. 102 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:38,374 Okay. I'm there. 103 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,669 And explain to me how this bomb 104 00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:44,547 will not land in Israel 105 00:07:44,839 --> 00:07:48,342 and then, literally, bounce right back and blow up Wadiya. 106 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,302 Supreme Leader, let me explain to you. 107 00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:51,512 You've lost me. 108 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,890 This is the missile in Wadiya, 109 00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,685 you push the button, "Boop!" 110 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:02,273 Israel... 111 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,946 "No! Why?" 112 00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:13,242 Nuclear winter. 113 00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:14,702 The reality is... 114 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,541 Oy vey! 115 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:23,919 Us. 116 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:29,842 Believe me, sir, if I could make the device even a little more pointy, 117 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,428 I would, but I simply cannot. 118 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,516 Okay. You know what? 119 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,311 Let's just agree to disagree, my friend. 120 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:41,729 Okay. 121 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,316 What? Why? No! 122 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,402 - Don't you remember? - Of course I remember! 123 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:51,655 How dare you question my memory? I remember everything! 124 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:54,575 No, I would never do that! Never! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. 125 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,286 Don't worry, it's fine. Well done, my friend. 126 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,746 Thank you. 127 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,540 Wait! Wait! Where are we going? 128 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,752 Admiral General, what if we just tell the United Nations 129 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,170 we have no nuclear weapons? 130 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,630 They will lift the sanctions. 131 00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:09,965 We'll be free to sell oil rights to the Jalabiya desert. 132 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,634 Uncle Tamir. 133 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:13,927 Do you not remember what my saintly father 134 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,888 made me promise him on his deathbed? 135 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:19,558 It was never to sell Wadiya's oil. 136 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,603 You remember that was when he gave me power 137 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,647 instead of you, the rightful heir. 138 00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,398 You've been so cool about it. 139 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,776 Now, let's go back to the palace. 140 00:09:29,027 --> 00:09:30,235 It's the season finale 141 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,031 of Real Housewives of Shachahmahahfalimitahlicch! 142 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,702 Aladeen! Aladeen! 143 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,762 Death to the tyrant! 144 00:10:07,732 --> 00:10:09,733 Looks like we need to find a new double. 145 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,402 Because this one is... 146 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:14,446 You know, I don't know if he's going to get better. 147 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:16,824 Oh, he's not going to recover, sir. He's dead. 148 00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,786 Send his wife some chocolate covered almond nuts 149 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,789 in a cellophane wrapped box. Delicious. 150 00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,918 We're going to send your wife some almonds. 151 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,212 Chocolate covered versions of these. 152 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:37,344 Maroush, I think I dropped an almond in his head. 153 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:38,846 Can you take it out? 154 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:42,725 What I don't want to do is send the body to the family 155 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,519 and then they discover an almond in his head, 156 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,980 and they say, "Why is there an almond in his head?" 157 00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,231 Take it out. 158 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:52,526 Clean it! 159 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,611 How am I gonna eat that? 160 00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,408 - Don't eat it. - Oh, Maroush! 161 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,703 Listen, everything is gonna be just fine. 162 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,580 I don't want you to worry about anything. 163 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,875 Yeah, how 'bout looking in my eye when I'm speaking to you? 164 00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:11,795 It's very rude not to look at somebody in the eye when they're talking to you. 165 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,882 It's okay. Don't worry. You're having a rough day. 166 00:11:24,976 --> 00:11:27,227 We shot the wrong man. 167 00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:30,856 I can fix this. I have a new plan. We need to find a new double. 168 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:33,901 One that is simple enough to be manipulated completely. 169 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,918 I think we found what you are looking for. 170 00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:02,471 You think this man looks like me? 171 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,265 You have a very big barn. 172 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,061 You must have many happy goats, hmm? 173 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,480 What the fuck does that even mean? 174 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:16,068 Uncle Tamir, this thing is an idiot. 175 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:18,070 What makes you think he can do the job? 176 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:22,074 May I remind you that his only real job is to be shot in the head. 177 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,410 Very well. Put him through the process, okay? 178 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,205 Clip his nails, file his teeth, 179 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,083 bleach his skin, and shorten the penis. 180 00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:37,422 Megan! Megan! 181 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,425 You now have herpes. 182 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,847 Megan, you were worth every penny. 183 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:47,683 You were super hot. 184 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,268 Is my jet ready? 185 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:52,437 Yes, but do you want to stay the night? 186 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,273 You know, I really want to do some cuddling. 187 00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,524 No. Your time is up. 188 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,609 I have to be with the Italian Prime Minister tomorrow. 189 00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,320 Okay. Maroush, give the goodie bag! 190 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:01,738 Thanks. 191 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,240 I trust everything is in there, 192 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,033 as your manager requested? 193 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,202 Katy Perry said she got a diamond Rolex. 194 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,955 That's because she let me Aladeen in her face. 195 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:13,959 Okay. 196 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,295 Right. Are you sure you don't want to stay for some cuddles? 197 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,379 - No. - But, please. 198 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:18,964 I really want someone to cuddle. 199 00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,197 Breaking news now. Just moments ago, 200 00:14:25,281 --> 00:14:26,448 the U.N. Security Council voted 201 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,909 to authorize NATO air strikes against Wadiya, 202 00:14:28,993 --> 00:14:33,205 unless Admiral General Aladeen agrees to address the U.N. In person. 203 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,207 And now, the world waits. 204 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,541 What will Aladeen do next? 205 00:14:56,938 --> 00:15:01,149 Next. No, no, no. No. Boring, boring. Come on. Come on. 206 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,611 Beloved Oppressor, I have just received disturbing news. 207 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:07,030 Welcome to the Munich Olympics. 208 00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:08,699 Shalom? 209 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,034 Oy vey! 210 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:12,786 Supreme Leader, 211 00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:14,162 the United Nations demands that 212 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,541 you address their concerns about our nuclear program, 213 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,793 or they will vote to authorize military action. 214 00:15:20,628 --> 00:15:21,795 Summon my generals. 215 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:23,630 I'll join you after I finish this level. 216 00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,632 Bonus round. Mass grave. 217 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:42,566 Those gangsters at the UN want me to address them. 218 00:15:42,817 --> 00:15:46,611 Fine! I'll address them like they've never been addressed before. 219 00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,071 How much time have they allotted me? 220 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:49,740 Seven minutes, sir. 221 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:52,534 I'll talk for 14 hours! 222 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,746 And three of those will be untranslatable. 223 00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:57,247 Literally, baby noises. 224 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,545 Okay. Let's rehearse this. Role play, role play. 225 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,672 You, come on. This'll be fun. 226 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,800 So, Secretary General, your soldiers will weep... 227 00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,472 I'm so sorry! Listen, it was not my fault. 228 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:16,099 I mean, somebody had set the safety catch 229 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,018 to "Aladeen" instead of "Aladeen." 230 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,353 Look, I mean, this whole gun... 231 00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,523 It's gonna be fine. You just need to ice it. 232 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,066 You got to ice. 233 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,735 Promise me you're going to ice? 234 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,111 Okay. Tamir! 235 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,614 Inflate my neck pillow 236 00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:34,075 and pack my book of medium-level Sudoku. 237 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,329 We're going to America! 238 00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,482 America! 239 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,069 The birthplace of AIDS. 240 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:17,244 Supreme Leader, I took the liberty of hiring some extra security. 241 00:17:17,328 --> 00:17:18,829 This is Mr. Clayton. 242 00:17:18,913 --> 00:17:22,040 Admiral General, I am here for your protection 24/7. 243 00:17:22,124 --> 00:17:23,208 Okay. 244 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,878 But in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say I hate A-rabs. 245 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,881 Well, that's fine, because I'm not an Arab. 246 00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:33,927 Well, you're all A-rabs to me, the blacks, the Jews, 247 00:17:34,011 --> 00:17:36,763 those blue tree-hugging queers in A-vatar. 248 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:42,769 In fact, anyone from outside of America is technically an A-rab. 249 00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,021 Listen, while you're here, 250 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,400 I highly recommend a visit to the Empire State Building, 251 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:51,570 before you or one of your sand-monkey cousins takes it down. 252 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,699 Also, if you're interested in taking in a Broadway show while you're here, 253 00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:57,492 and you don't mind the homo stuff, 254 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,828 I highly recommend Billy Elliot. 255 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,415 You know what, I like this guy despite his liberal views. 256 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,708 Very good, sir. 257 00:18:09,797 --> 00:18:13,592 Supreme Leader, the suite has been renovated to your specifications. 258 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:22,267 Twenty dollars a day for Internet? What the fuck? 259 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:27,314 And they accuse me of being an international criminal? 260 00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:30,567 Beloved Oppressor, try to get some sleep. 261 00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,277 Tomorrow is your big speech. 262 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,363 Nobody touch the minibar! It's a fucking rip-off! 263 00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,927 Rise and shine. 264 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,179 Who are you? 265 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,848 We've actually already met. 266 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:03,516 Hello, Aladdin. 267 00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,769 Clayton? I thought we were friends. 268 00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:08,355 Nice to see you, too. 269 00:19:09,857 --> 00:19:11,024 Here's the deal. 270 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,360 I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna burn your body. 271 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,569 No, no, no. Please, don't. 272 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,823 But before I do I have one very important question for you. 273 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:21,576 Did you get a chance to see Billy Elliot? 274 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,162 Yes. 275 00:19:24,288 --> 00:19:25,372 And? 276 00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,208 I found it heartwarming and life-affirming. 277 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:32,045 Thank you! How great is that show? 278 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,630 It is. It's great, yeah. 279 00:19:33,714 --> 00:19:36,216 You know, he's got like an artist inside himself, 280 00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:40,053 but he's in this working class place and no one understands him. 281 00:19:40,137 --> 00:19:43,139 He's just like... I'm gonna express myself in my dance. 282 00:19:43,307 --> 00:19:44,641 And he expresses himself... 283 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,770 And he doesn't wanna use violence, but he puts his violence into his dance. 284 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,146 You should try that. 285 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,651 Okay. So, we gotta get down to business. Enough chit-chat. 286 00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,236 I'm being paid to kill you. 287 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,029 But I'm gonna torture you for free. 288 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:04,160 Are you serious? 289 00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:05,578 Where'd you get those relics? 290 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:08,248 From the Shah of Iran's garage sale? 291 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:09,666 Yeah, right. 292 00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:11,167 I mean, I know there's nothing more annoying 293 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:12,752 than a backseat torturer, but, please, come on. 294 00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:14,421 This is great stuff. 295 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:17,924 It's not great stuff. That's like 1972, hello. 296 00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:23,179 You won't be talking so much smack with this up your butt. 297 00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,850 That's the Anal Umbrella. It's a good device, I grant you, 298 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,852 but where's the splash guard? 299 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,895 You're going to kill me and your white shirt. 300 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:32,939 It didn't come with a splash guard. 301 00:20:33,024 --> 00:20:35,025 You're gonna get chara on your trousers. 302 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:37,193 I can see it has a screw hole for one. 303 00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,695 Apparently, I didn't get it. 304 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,072 All right, Mr. Smart Guy, 305 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,366 check out this bad boy. 306 00:20:43,451 --> 00:20:45,910 Oh, that's not bad. The Kandahar Cock Wrench. 307 00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:47,370 Okay, so, now we're getting somewhere. 308 00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:50,290 It's actually been banned in Saudi Arabia for being too safe. 309 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,793 You know, this is totally depressing. 310 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,462 Listen, just show me another one. 311 00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:58,298 You know, honestly, I don't even want to show you anything anymore. 312 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,300 Don't be like that. 313 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:02,802 You know, I don't even think you want to be tortured. 314 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,220 I don't want to be tortured. 315 00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,555 You're just, like, taking all the fun out of it! 316 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,807 You just want me to say compliments all the time. 317 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,810 So either you want the truth or you want compliments. Decide! 318 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,397 It'd be nice if I got just a little bit of positive feedback about my tools. 319 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,357 What else you got? I'm gonna love the next thing! 320 00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:17,567 I will be supportive. 321 00:21:17,818 --> 00:21:19,152 All right. 322 00:21:19,695 --> 00:21:22,030 Just this. This pours hot fire out on you. 323 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,199 Oh, the Fallujah Firehose! 324 00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,034 Someone's got a friend in Syria! 325 00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,577 I am pretty proud of it. 326 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:29,245 There is a new model, you know. 327 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:31,790 I've got one that works by Bluetooth. 328 00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:35,418 Screw it. Screw it! Screw it! 329 00:21:35,753 --> 00:21:37,045 I'm going to enjoy this now. 330 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,880 No, don't. Don't. Don't. Please, don't! 331 00:21:46,889 --> 00:21:50,308 No one will recognize the body without this! 332 00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,811 The Supreme Beard! You will be cursed! 333 00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,020 No, no, don't do it! 334 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:55,897 Come on! Why won't this catch? 335 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:59,818 You foolish man! There is no earthly fire that could ever light... 336 00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,113 The flames of the righteous attack the unjust! 337 00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:16,876 I'll be back with help! J. K! Just kidding! 338 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,716 My speech. 339 00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:28,555 Yo! Average American shopper! 340 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:30,723 I do not have any money on me, 341 00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,183 but if you give me your clothes 342 00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:35,395 I'll make a sizeable donation in your name to al-Qaeda. 343 00:22:40,693 --> 00:22:47,615 Hey, hey, oh, oh! Aladeen has got to go! 344 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,286 Hello. I am Admiral General Aladeen. 345 00:22:51,370 --> 00:22:53,580 I am here to deliver my speech to the United Nations. 346 00:22:53,664 --> 00:22:55,498 Look, Admiral, it's too hot for crazy. 347 00:22:55,749 --> 00:22:56,791 How dare you? 348 00:22:56,959 --> 00:22:59,002 Listen, Tamir is coming right now. 349 00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:01,421 You're going to be in big trouble. Here he is. 350 00:23:01,881 --> 00:23:03,214 Tamir! Tamir! 351 00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:14,350 Tamir, it was you, you snake! 352 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:19,898 He's not the legitimate leader! 353 00:23:19,982 --> 00:23:21,816 He's not the legitimate leader! 354 00:23:21,901 --> 00:23:25,153 He's not the legitimate leader! 355 00:23:26,655 --> 00:23:29,490 You have rehearsed the speech I prepared for you? 356 00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,577 Yes. But when is the General coming? 357 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:33,995 He's feeling ill. 358 00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,331 Does he have worms in his shilshul? 359 00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,582 Very possibly. 360 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,668 Admiral General Aladeen preparing 361 00:23:40,753 --> 00:23:42,837 to address the General Assembly of the United Nations. 362 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:43,922 An historic moment. 363 00:23:44,006 --> 00:23:45,673 He's approaching the podium. 364 00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,259 And he's walked right past the podium. 365 00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:49,427 What is he doing? 366 00:23:49,845 --> 00:23:51,846 You are making a fool out of me! 367 00:23:52,181 --> 00:23:54,182 Let's bring in Denise, our U. N. Correspondent. 368 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,475 What do you make of that? 369 00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,186 Well, I have to say, he's got their attention. 370 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,688 Every eye in the room is on him right now. 371 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:03,191 And he's returning to the podium. 372 00:24:04,109 --> 00:24:05,860 And he's fallen off the stage. 373 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,612 What do you make of that, Denise? 374 00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:12,533 You know, he's clearly implying that the U. N. Must fall before him. 375 00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,453 Drinking from the pitcher of water directly, 376 00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,081 as opposed to the glass that I'm sure must be up there. 377 00:24:18,165 --> 00:24:19,207 What do you think that means? 378 00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:21,334 Again, it's another attempt to say, 379 00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,628 "Listen, I'm not going to play by your rules." 380 00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:25,380 And he seems to have a pitcher of urine out. 381 00:24:25,881 --> 00:24:28,132 I believe he just urinated in the pitcher. 382 00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:31,552 He is now drinking his urine. 383 00:24:31,804 --> 00:24:33,471 It looks to be his own urine. 384 00:24:34,014 --> 00:24:35,264 Sorry. You want? 385 00:24:35,516 --> 00:24:37,850 Trying to force it on the Israeli delegation. 386 00:24:38,435 --> 00:24:39,852 That might be the ambassador. 387 00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,940 He is dumping the urine on the Israeli delegation. 388 00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,441 Oh, that's a good one. 389 00:24:47,277 --> 00:24:49,112 Okay, he's returning to the podium. 390 00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:54,033 Much has been made of the hostility between our countries. 391 00:24:54,535 --> 00:24:56,869 With the help of the U.M., 392 00:24:57,121 --> 00:25:00,540 I will draft a new constitution for Wadiya 393 00:25:00,874 --> 00:25:05,878 and sign it in five days, on Wadiya's Independence Day. 394 00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:07,213 No, no, no. 395 00:25:07,464 --> 00:25:09,215 This new constitution 396 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,092 will end the dictatorship... 397 00:25:11,176 --> 00:25:12,176 No! 398 00:25:12,261 --> 00:25:15,722 ...and it will turn Wadiya into a 399 00:25:16,223 --> 00:25:17,557 democracy. 400 00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:22,895 No! Democracy? Never! 401 00:25:23,647 --> 00:25:24,981 Never! 402 00:25:26,150 --> 00:25:29,235 The Wadiyan people love being oppressed! 403 00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:32,530 Dictatorship forever! 404 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,372 Come on! Come with me! 405 00:25:42,166 --> 00:25:43,207 Hurry! 406 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:50,882 Hello, person. Person. 407 00:25:51,133 --> 00:25:52,467 Black person. 408 00:25:53,135 --> 00:25:54,802 The double that you found is good. 409 00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,637 He is almost as dumb as the real guy. 410 00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:59,390 So, Wadiya will become a democracy. 411 00:25:59,892 --> 00:26:02,060 China is a democracy, too. 412 00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:05,772 Once that constitution is signed, 413 00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:09,067 I will be able to sell Wadiya's oil rights. Gazprom, 414 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,694 you will have control of Wadiya's southern oil fields. 415 00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,571 B. P., you will control the north. 416 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,073 Exxon, you will have all offshore rights, 417 00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:17,408 provided you do not use B. P.'s drilling rigs. 418 00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:21,496 And, Mr. Lao of PetroChina, you will have the lease on our shale reserves. 419 00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:23,539 Some of those reserves are in densely populated areas. 420 00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,250 Then unpopulate them. 421 00:26:26,752 --> 00:26:29,629 After you've paid me my 30 % finder's fee, of course. 422 00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:31,422 Gentlemen. 423 00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:35,426 So, you're going to make billions. 424 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:37,512 What will you do with all those dollars? 425 00:26:37,971 --> 00:26:41,641 I will buy the house on Lake Como next to George Clooney's. 426 00:26:41,892 --> 00:26:43,810 I love George Clooney! 427 00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:45,937 He's an old-fashioned movie star. 428 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,814 He gay? He suck my dick? 429 00:26:48,607 --> 00:26:52,276 No, those are just rumors. Are you a homosexual? 430 00:26:52,528 --> 00:26:55,113 No, no, no, it's more of a power trip with me. 431 00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:56,739 Everybody has a price. 432 00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:59,909 Tommy Lee Jones let me roll it in my fingers for two hundred grand! 433 00:27:07,209 --> 00:27:09,794 Oh, my gosh, that was so crazy! 434 00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,296 I am so honored to be able to help you. 435 00:27:12,548 --> 00:27:14,549 Finally, somebody who knows who I am. 436 00:27:14,800 --> 00:27:16,050 Yeah, of course! 437 00:27:16,135 --> 00:27:19,804 You're the Wadiyan dissident who was standing up to that asshole Aladeen. 438 00:27:20,305 --> 00:27:21,806 It was so brave of you. 439 00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:24,142 - My name is Zoey. - I don't care. 440 00:27:24,351 --> 00:27:25,351 What's yours? 441 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:28,312 My name is Ala... son. 442 00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:30,648 - Allison? - Right. Allison. 443 00:27:30,983 --> 00:27:32,817 What's your last name? 444 00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:37,071 Burgers. 445 00:27:38,073 --> 00:27:39,907 Nice to meet you, Allison Burgers. 446 00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:41,701 - You know, I... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 447 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,122 Allison, could you please take your hands off my breasts? 448 00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,541 Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy. 449 00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:54,755 - Where are you taking me to? - To Brooklyn! 450 00:28:04,183 --> 00:28:06,309 So, yeah, this is my store! 451 00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:07,852 This is the Free Earth Collective. 452 00:28:08,103 --> 00:28:11,439 We are a vegan, feminist, non-profit cooperative operating 453 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:13,774 within an anti-racist, anti-oppressive framework 454 00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,526 for people of all or no genders. 455 00:28:16,778 --> 00:28:18,946 We are a pure democracy, 456 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:21,115 just like Wadiya's going to be soon! 457 00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:23,159 Get me clothes, little man. 458 00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:25,203 Oh, you know what, there's some in the Earthquake Relief box 459 00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:26,829 in the lesbian bathroom, right there. 460 00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:28,122 Right. 461 00:28:29,208 --> 00:28:31,626 So, Allison, we're the only store in New York, 462 00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:33,920 other than that fascist superchain Green World, 463 00:28:34,004 --> 00:28:36,005 that sells your nation's specialty fruit, mafroom, 464 00:28:36,465 --> 00:28:38,549 which I know you people eat a lot of. 465 00:28:38,884 --> 00:28:40,676 Oh, I hope that didn't come off like a cultural stereotype. 466 00:28:40,761 --> 00:28:43,221 Because I'm, like, the furthest thing from a racist. 467 00:28:43,513 --> 00:28:46,182 I pretty much haven't had a white boyfriend since high school. 468 00:28:46,433 --> 00:28:48,226 Well, the darker races are less choosy. 469 00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:51,854 Okay, that came off as kind of offensive. 470 00:28:52,105 --> 00:28:53,439 Thank you. 471 00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,692 Anyway, let me give you the grand tour. 472 00:28:56,777 --> 00:28:59,612 Up on the roof, we have this amazing organic garden... 473 00:28:59,947 --> 00:29:02,448 Boring! Do you sell any assault rifles? 474 00:29:02,866 --> 00:29:05,534 Oh, wait. I got it. Humor. Right? 475 00:29:05,786 --> 00:29:08,287 I took a feminist clown workshop once. 476 00:29:08,538 --> 00:29:10,581 Help! Help! I'm trapped under a glass ceiling! 477 00:29:10,958 --> 00:29:12,583 What the fuck? 478 00:29:12,918 --> 00:29:14,835 I wasn't the best student, but... 479 00:29:14,962 --> 00:29:17,380 We've got this wellness center downstairs in the basement, 480 00:29:17,506 --> 00:29:20,758 where we do water birth. Have you ever seen a water birth? 481 00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:23,386 Not a water birth, but I've seen a water death. 482 00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:25,137 Wow. Was it moving? 483 00:29:25,597 --> 00:29:27,181 There was actually very little movement. 484 00:29:27,307 --> 00:29:30,309 A little wriggling, then two bubbles, and then a big bloop 485 00:29:30,477 --> 00:29:31,686 and the wallet floats up. 486 00:29:33,271 --> 00:29:34,563 You seem educated. 487 00:29:34,815 --> 00:29:36,440 Yes. I went to Amherst. 488 00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:38,776 I love it when women go to school. 489 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,862 It's like seeing a monkey on rollerskates. 490 00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:45,116 It means nothing to them, but it's so adorable for us. 491 00:29:45,701 --> 00:29:47,618 Okay. Well, hey, Allison, 492 00:29:47,703 --> 00:29:50,955 you know, we'd love to have you work here if you ever wanted to. 493 00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:55,209 All of our employees are political refugees, just like you! 494 00:29:55,419 --> 00:29:56,460 There's Hannah over here. 495 00:29:56,586 --> 00:30:00,464 She's from El Salvador. She's a really useful member of our team. 496 00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:05,553 Useful as what? A coat hanger? 497 00:30:06,805 --> 00:30:08,639 - Come on. - Allison, that's not funny. 498 00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:11,976 Okay. I tell you what, get back to work, Captain Hook! 499 00:30:12,310 --> 00:30:14,478 - "Captain Hook." It's funny. - No, it's not funny. 500 00:30:14,730 --> 00:30:15,730 Who's that? 501 00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:16,981 Oh, this is Joteph. 502 00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:19,483 He's from a Sudanese tribe that has no concept of money. 503 00:30:19,735 --> 00:30:21,986 His entire village was ransacked. 504 00:30:22,237 --> 00:30:23,320 Hey, Sub-Saharan! 505 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:28,159 Do you think you could get me 100 child soldiers here by 5:00 p.m.? 506 00:30:28,243 --> 00:30:29,285 No! 507 00:30:29,369 --> 00:30:30,661 Okay. Time out! Time out. 508 00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:31,954 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 509 00:30:32,247 --> 00:30:33,914 Shave your under-the-arms! 510 00:30:34,249 --> 00:30:37,084 I dread to think what kind of jungle you have on your malawach! 511 00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:38,919 That is very inappropriate. 512 00:30:39,087 --> 00:30:41,922 Don't tell me what to say and what not to say, little boy. 513 00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:44,258 You need to put that finger away. 514 00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:45,718 I won't put my finger away because... 515 00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,303 Look, I've got two fingers now. 516 00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:48,429 Okay. 517 00:30:48,513 --> 00:30:52,099 If you do not stop using hateful language, you cannot work here. 518 00:30:52,517 --> 00:30:54,477 All right. I promise. 519 00:30:54,561 --> 00:30:55,770 Okay. 520 00:30:57,189 --> 00:30:59,774 I tricked you, Wolverina. 521 00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:03,778 Justin Bieber's chubby double! 522 00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:07,865 Hairy Potter! 523 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,458 Good-bye, old friend. 524 00:31:24,591 --> 00:31:25,966 When will the Supreme Leader be better? 525 00:31:26,051 --> 00:31:27,093 In time. 526 00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:31,597 He's resting in his bedroom and must never, ever be disturbed. 527 00:31:32,015 --> 00:31:33,516 Time for bed. 528 00:31:37,687 --> 00:31:40,856 Being Aladeen has its perks, does it not? 529 00:31:44,111 --> 00:31:45,694 Dropped your belt. 530 00:32:01,795 --> 00:32:03,170 What are you doing? 531 00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:04,463 She tried to milk me! 532 00:32:04,714 --> 00:32:05,714 No. 533 00:32:05,966 --> 00:32:08,134 They are trying to pleasure you. 534 00:32:08,301 --> 00:32:11,053 Allow the girls to use their many talents. 535 00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:21,730 No! 536 00:32:21,815 --> 00:32:24,316 Supreme Leader! The girls! 537 00:32:24,651 --> 00:32:27,319 Girls, show him your bosoms. 538 00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:56,849 Let me in! I have 85 rooms at this hotel! 539 00:32:56,933 --> 00:32:59,018 It's me, Admiral General Aladeen! 540 00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,394 I lost my beard! 541 00:33:00,979 --> 00:33:02,104 You don't got a pass, you don't get in. 542 00:33:02,189 --> 00:33:05,524 But I'm staying here! I paid twenty dollars for the fucking Internet! 543 00:33:06,318 --> 00:33:09,195 How much do you charge for assassinations? 544 00:33:29,633 --> 00:33:31,634 Why is this happening to me? 545 00:33:32,552 --> 00:33:35,888 All I ever did was steal my country's wealth 546 00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:39,391 and execute anybody who did not agree with me, 547 00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:41,143 and many who did. 548 00:33:41,811 --> 00:33:42,895 Why me? 549 00:33:43,313 --> 00:33:47,024 Why is it always the good guys? Why? 550 00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,241 Nadal? 551 00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:43,622 Welcome to the Death to Aladeen Restaurant. 552 00:34:44,332 --> 00:34:47,084 Wait. You look very familiar. 553 00:34:47,460 --> 00:34:48,752 Do I know you? 554 00:34:51,172 --> 00:34:53,632 Sorry. 555 00:34:54,009 --> 00:34:55,217 So sorry, Supreme Leader. 556 00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,219 Don't worry. I'm 50 % to blame. 557 00:34:59,889 --> 00:35:02,099 No! No! Supreme Leader! 558 00:35:02,976 --> 00:35:04,935 Definitely not. I must be going. 559 00:35:05,020 --> 00:35:06,145 No, no. Stay, please. 560 00:35:06,438 --> 00:35:08,564 If you hate Aladeen and you like good food, 561 00:35:08,648 --> 00:35:11,650 this is the place for you. This way. Here we go. 562 00:35:26,416 --> 00:35:27,666 Enjoy it. 563 00:35:31,338 --> 00:35:32,629 No! No! 564 00:35:48,188 --> 00:35:49,355 For you. 565 00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:51,815 What is your name? 566 00:35:52,233 --> 00:35:53,442 Allison Burgers. 567 00:35:54,235 --> 00:35:56,987 That's a made-up name. What's your real name? 568 00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:01,742 Ladis. 569 00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,077 Ladis what? 570 00:36:03,495 --> 00:36:05,371 Ladis Washerum. 571 00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:11,585 So your name is like the sign. "Ladies Washroom"? 572 00:36:11,669 --> 00:36:13,379 That is a made-up name. 573 00:36:13,755 --> 00:36:15,297 What is your real name? 574 00:36:15,507 --> 00:36:18,509 I am interested. We are interested. 575 00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:23,764 Emploice. 576 00:36:24,182 --> 00:36:25,432 Emploice what? 577 00:36:25,725 --> 00:36:28,185 Emploice... Muswashans. 578 00:36:30,772 --> 00:36:32,272 That is a made-up name. 579 00:36:34,567 --> 00:36:35,692 Okay. 580 00:36:35,777 --> 00:36:37,903 What is your real name? 581 00:36:38,571 --> 00:36:39,863 Max. 582 00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:41,240 Max what? 583 00:36:41,449 --> 00:36:45,202 Imumoccupancyu One-hundred-and-twenty. 584 00:36:48,248 --> 00:36:50,499 There's a number in the name? 585 00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,210 Who are you? An Aladeen sympathizer? 586 00:36:53,420 --> 00:36:56,171 No, no, no! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. No, no, no! 587 00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:57,256 No! 588 00:36:57,340 --> 00:36:59,758 It's Aladeen! It's Aladeen without the beard! 589 00:37:00,135 --> 00:37:01,885 No! It's not Aladeen! 590 00:37:02,762 --> 00:37:03,804 Hasan, lock the door! 591 00:37:06,891 --> 00:37:09,351 Wait, wait, wait, no! There you are, cousin! 592 00:37:09,811 --> 00:37:12,146 This is my cousin. I see you've all met him. 593 00:37:12,355 --> 00:37:15,149 He's very simple and backwards. I'm sorry. 594 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:16,358 - Sorry. - It's okay, sit. 595 00:37:16,443 --> 00:37:17,776 - Okay. - Sit and eat. 596 00:37:18,319 --> 00:37:19,611 Have a seat, cousin. 597 00:37:20,238 --> 00:37:22,614 Very sorry. My apologies. Enjoy. 598 00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:25,909 What are you doing here? And what has happened to your beard? 599 00:37:26,369 --> 00:37:29,538 I've been replaced by this body double who's a total imbecile. 600 00:37:29,664 --> 00:37:31,290 How are you alive? 601 00:37:31,458 --> 00:37:34,126 How am I... Wait. You don't know? 602 00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:35,335 No. 603 00:37:35,420 --> 00:37:38,797 Every single person you had executed is still alive. 604 00:37:39,215 --> 00:37:41,216 We all live here in Little Wadiya. 605 00:37:41,301 --> 00:37:43,760 The executioner, he is a member of the Resistance! 606 00:37:44,137 --> 00:37:45,345 You mean I never executed anybody? 607 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:46,472 No. 608 00:37:46,556 --> 00:37:48,557 Like, honestly, zero people. 609 00:37:50,393 --> 00:37:54,396 Nadal, you must help me get back into power. 610 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,315 What? No. Why would I do that? 611 00:37:56,399 --> 00:37:58,775 I have a perfectly good job here. I'm a Mac Genius! 612 00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:01,612 What do you do? 613 00:38:03,656 --> 00:38:06,950 Mostly, I clean semen out of laptops. 614 00:38:08,203 --> 00:38:10,204 Congratulations. Living the American dream. 615 00:38:10,747 --> 00:38:13,415 Okay, fine. I will help you. On one condition. 616 00:38:13,499 --> 00:38:14,750 Name it. 617 00:38:14,834 --> 00:38:16,460 You reinstate me as Head of Nuclear Research, 618 00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,837 so I can finish building my bomb. 619 00:38:19,214 --> 00:38:20,214 Deal. 620 00:38:20,423 --> 00:38:22,674 One last thing. 621 00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:25,427 You will let me build a round nuclear weapon. 622 00:38:25,845 --> 00:38:28,013 Never. It must be pointy. 623 00:38:28,556 --> 00:38:30,682 - Wait a minute. This is... - Whoa. 624 00:38:31,893 --> 00:38:34,478 Okay, compromise. Conical. 625 00:38:34,562 --> 00:38:36,313 - Round. Round. - Teat-shaped. 626 00:38:37,398 --> 00:38:38,649 Okay. 627 00:38:38,816 --> 00:38:40,275 - Okay. Deal. - Deal. 628 00:38:43,613 --> 00:38:45,447 Ladies and gentlemen of the press, 629 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:48,742 our Supreme Leader is indisposed to answer your questions 630 00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,746 as he is currently drafting Wadiya's new constitution, 631 00:38:53,039 --> 00:38:55,082 which is scheduled to be signed 632 00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:58,252 at the Lancaster Penthouse Ballroom in three days. 633 00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:00,003 Thank you. No further questions. 634 00:39:13,935 --> 00:39:16,478 There is no way we're going to get anywhere near this hotel 635 00:39:16,562 --> 00:39:18,939 without a security pass. This is ridiculous. 636 00:39:19,691 --> 00:39:21,358 - Wait. - What are you doing? 637 00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,610 Hiding from that lesbian hobbit. 638 00:39:24,112 --> 00:39:25,195 That woman, you know her? 639 00:39:25,571 --> 00:39:27,406 I cannot begin to tell you what an honor it is 640 00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,366 to be able to provide all of the catering... 641 00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:30,742 Well, of course. 642 00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:32,119 ...and the mafroom for this signing. 643 00:39:32,203 --> 00:39:33,870 You just paid this month's rent! 644 00:39:34,080 --> 00:39:35,998 She offered me a job. 645 00:39:36,082 --> 00:39:38,834 Can you imagine that? Me? Working? 646 00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:42,379 Listen, hold onto that badge. It's the only thing that'll get you past security. 647 00:39:42,463 --> 00:39:43,422 Okay, thanks. 648 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:44,965 Wait a minute. 649 00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:49,177 Wait, her company is catering the event. She has a security pass! 650 00:39:49,387 --> 00:39:51,555 That is the answer. This is the plan. 651 00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:54,141 Okay? You will take that job and you will work for her. 652 00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:57,311 I will get you an identical beard and costume. 653 00:39:57,520 --> 00:39:58,812 And then on the day of the event, 654 00:39:58,896 --> 00:40:01,982 you enter the Lancaster as a member of her staff. 655 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:04,067 You will find the double, switch with him, 656 00:40:04,152 --> 00:40:06,611 then rip up the constitution in front of the whole world. 657 00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:10,282 Me? Work for that hairy titted yeti? 658 00:40:27,342 --> 00:40:28,383 Kimberly? 659 00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:30,218 Zoey. 660 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:31,511 Who cares? 661 00:40:31,971 --> 00:40:34,514 I've come here to apologize 662 00:40:34,891 --> 00:40:38,185 about some of the comments I may have made about 663 00:40:38,353 --> 00:40:40,312 Captain Hook and Blackie. 664 00:40:42,273 --> 00:40:43,273 Great! 665 00:40:43,649 --> 00:40:45,901 And I accept your job offer as general manager. 666 00:40:45,985 --> 00:40:48,028 Well, you can't be the manager, because I am the manager. 667 00:40:48,363 --> 00:40:49,488 Well, I can if I killed you. 668 00:40:52,241 --> 00:40:54,242 I think I'm starting to get you. 669 00:40:54,327 --> 00:40:56,453 All right, then... I will get you. 670 00:40:57,372 --> 00:40:59,039 Great! Let's get you to work! 671 00:40:59,540 --> 00:41:01,124 Yeah? Hold on one second. 672 00:41:01,376 --> 00:41:04,002 Hey, my man! Excuse me. Hairnet! 673 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:05,128 Yeah. 674 00:41:05,671 --> 00:41:08,131 I need a little of the quinoa salad, please, 675 00:41:08,341 --> 00:41:11,134 and throw a couple of extra cranny-b's on top, if you could, 676 00:41:11,344 --> 00:41:14,137 and I kind of need you to hurry up, chief. Chop-chop. 677 00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:18,266 Next! 678 00:41:20,228 --> 00:41:22,145 Whoa, whoa! Occupied! 679 00:41:22,230 --> 00:41:24,523 Out. I have to clean. Come on, out you go, out you go. 680 00:41:24,607 --> 00:41:25,899 - What? You're hurting me! - Out. Come on. 681 00:41:26,275 --> 00:41:29,403 Hey, Allison, can you take out the garbage? Thanks. 682 00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:39,955 Look! One of the customers left a tip of 683 00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:44,626 some Nair and some female razors. Does anybody want to use it? 684 00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:51,091 Stop that. 685 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:53,385 Suck it, loser. 686 00:42:00,309 --> 00:42:01,726 Clean-up on aisle four! 687 00:42:14,449 --> 00:42:16,032 Hey, buddy, I saw that. 688 00:42:16,117 --> 00:42:18,452 That is very disrespectful to your leader. 689 00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:19,744 Whatever, dude. Who are you, 690 00:42:19,829 --> 00:42:22,289 Osama bin Laden's best friend? 691 00:42:22,457 --> 00:42:25,000 No, he is not my best friend! 692 00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:26,877 Though he has been staying in my guest house 693 00:42:26,961 --> 00:42:29,045 ever since they shot his double last year. 694 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:31,965 Now the guy won't leave. 695 00:42:32,049 --> 00:42:34,259 I know why this guy's the most hated man in the world. 696 00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,344 You just have to go to the bathroom after him. 697 00:42:36,471 --> 00:42:38,388 You go to the bathroom after Osama, 698 00:42:38,473 --> 00:42:41,224 you will realize the true meaning of terrorism. 699 00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:01,703 Here is the plan. 700 00:43:01,787 --> 00:43:03,538 We're going to take this helicopter tour 701 00:43:03,623 --> 00:43:06,082 and fly over the Lancaster to spot its weaknesses. 702 00:43:06,417 --> 00:43:10,003 Remember, we're just two ordinary American tourists 703 00:43:10,338 --> 00:43:12,339 looking at the sights. 704 00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:15,842 Don't worry, nobody gonna suspect anything. It's a great plan, pointy. 705 00:43:16,302 --> 00:43:17,802 Don't do anything to arouse any suspicions. 706 00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:20,722 Don't worry. I am Wadiya's number one actor. 707 00:43:20,806 --> 00:43:23,475 You don't win four Wadiyan Golden Globes for nothing. 708 00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:25,894 Yes, you do, because you gave them to yourself! 709 00:43:26,354 --> 00:43:29,064 My performance in Aladeen Jones and the Temple ofDoom 710 00:43:29,148 --> 00:43:30,190 was outstanding. 711 00:43:30,274 --> 00:43:31,650 I give it thumbs down. 712 00:43:31,734 --> 00:43:33,443 Have you seen You've Got Mail Bomb? 713 00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,404 Yes, I've seen them all! They're all terrible movies! 714 00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:37,864 Listen to me. Okay? 715 00:43:38,241 --> 00:43:40,033 You are a terrible actor. 716 00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:44,246 I urge you, right now, keep your performance small and real. 717 00:43:44,330 --> 00:43:46,248 All right, can you get me a cloak? 718 00:43:46,332 --> 00:43:47,332 Why? 719 00:43:47,416 --> 00:43:49,167 Because I think my guy would be wearing a cloak. 720 00:43:49,252 --> 00:43:53,463 No, your guy wears an American flag sweatsuit and a sheriff's badge. 721 00:43:53,548 --> 00:43:54,548 I need the sheriff's badge. 722 00:43:54,632 --> 00:43:56,049 For what? 723 00:43:56,133 --> 00:43:57,425 You're sheriff of American douche-town! 724 00:43:58,177 --> 00:43:59,177 That's rude. 725 00:43:59,262 --> 00:44:00,262 Listen. 726 00:44:00,346 --> 00:44:04,224 We're going to walk over there, act very inconspicuous. 727 00:44:04,684 --> 00:44:05,725 - Okay. No problem. - This has to work. 728 00:44:05,851 --> 00:44:07,519 Don't worry. Just relax. 729 00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:11,273 Are you okay? 730 00:44:11,691 --> 00:44:12,691 My guy has a limp. 731 00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:16,278 I fell off me horse at the old Bull & Bush Pub 732 00:44:16,362 --> 00:44:17,529 because I am a cockney. 733 00:44:17,697 --> 00:44:18,863 Listen! Listen, okay? 734 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,741 You need to focus up right now and be prepared 735 00:44:21,909 --> 00:44:24,119 to deliver a small, subtle performance. 736 00:44:24,203 --> 00:44:25,620 - Okay, great, okay. - Okay, good. 737 00:44:25,705 --> 00:44:27,247 Okay. So, when we go to fly... 738 00:44:27,331 --> 00:44:28,999 Don't do that with your eyes! 739 00:44:29,083 --> 00:44:30,750 You can't be a Chinese person on this thing, okay? 740 00:44:30,835 --> 00:44:32,127 I'm not chink, I'm Chinese-American! 741 00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:33,295 No, but you cannot hold your eyes! 742 00:44:33,379 --> 00:44:34,588 Nobody is going to think you're Chinese-American 743 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:35,630 because you hold your eyes like that! 744 00:44:35,715 --> 00:44:37,173 It's racist, what you are doing! 745 00:44:37,258 --> 00:44:39,801 Do you know it's a fact that they cannot pronounce their R's? 746 00:44:39,885 --> 00:44:41,052 They pronounce them as L's. 747 00:44:41,137 --> 00:44:43,013 So instead you know what "rabbit" is in Chinese? 748 00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:44,222 I don't know how to speak Chinese. 749 00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:46,516 - It's "labbit." - It's not "labbit"! 750 00:44:46,601 --> 00:44:49,227 Yes! Who Shot Loger Labbit was a huge hit in China! 751 00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,312 Nobody... It's stup... 752 00:44:50,396 --> 00:44:51,438 All right, I don't care. This is stupid, okay? 753 00:44:51,814 --> 00:44:54,482 Okay, I'll do Filipino. I like to work, I like to talk. 754 00:44:54,567 --> 00:44:55,817 - Don't. - I like the shit, I do the kids. 755 00:44:55,901 --> 00:44:56,901 Stop that. 756 00:44:57,737 --> 00:45:00,488 Your Filipino is the same as your Chinese! 757 00:45:01,032 --> 00:45:02,365 Now who's being a lacist? 758 00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:04,909 - You're being lacist now. - I'm not being racist! 759 00:45:04,994 --> 00:45:06,661 Right now we have to get on this helicopter 760 00:45:06,829 --> 00:45:08,913 and we have to act like true Americans. 761 00:45:09,081 --> 00:45:10,790 I guess you don't want me to play black then. 762 00:45:11,292 --> 00:45:13,251 Of course I don't want you to play black. 763 00:45:13,377 --> 00:45:15,086 Okay. Just throwing it out there. 764 00:45:15,212 --> 00:45:16,755 Okay. Don't. 765 00:45:18,007 --> 00:45:19,090 Okay, don't do that. 766 00:45:19,216 --> 00:45:21,092 - I see what you're doing. - That's how they walk. 767 00:45:21,177 --> 00:45:22,135 I see what you're doing, it's not cool. 768 00:45:22,261 --> 00:45:23,261 It's how they walk. 769 00:45:36,942 --> 00:45:39,069 I love being an Americans! 770 00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:41,654 America is number one! 771 00:45:42,448 --> 00:45:44,449 Oh, I am from U.S.A.! 772 00:45:44,533 --> 00:45:46,910 My father also from U.S.A. 773 00:45:47,536 --> 00:45:51,373 My great-grandfather fought in the American Civil Jihad. 774 00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,709 I am very proud to be an American. 775 00:45:54,794 --> 00:45:57,420 I am America's number one douche. 776 00:46:00,841 --> 00:46:02,759 I've fooled them. Job done. 777 00:46:03,552 --> 00:46:06,388 So, how are things back at the Palace? 778 00:46:06,889 --> 00:46:10,600 Fine, but guess who's still living in my guest house? 779 00:46:11,644 --> 00:46:12,644 Ooh, Bin Laden? 780 00:46:14,063 --> 00:46:15,355 Yes, Osama. 781 00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:18,066 Bin Laden flooding the bathroom every time he showers... 782 00:46:18,150 --> 00:46:22,028 And how hard is it to put a bath mat down, Bin Laden? 783 00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:27,033 Hey, do you remember my favorite sports car? 784 00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:28,660 You mean your Porsche? 785 00:46:28,744 --> 00:46:30,245 Yes... the 911. 786 00:46:30,329 --> 00:46:32,747 911, it's the best! 787 00:46:33,374 --> 00:46:37,335 So I was driving my 911 near the palace one day... 788 00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,629 and I totally crashed! 789 00:46:43,759 --> 00:46:46,010 It's ok, I've already ordered a new one. 790 00:46:46,095 --> 00:46:49,013 A brand new 9112012. 791 00:46:51,475 --> 00:46:54,352 You know, while you are here, you should try to see some of the sights... 792 00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:57,564 such as the Empire State Building... 793 00:46:57,648 --> 00:47:00,525 and Yankee Stadium. 794 00:47:00,609 --> 00:47:05,196 And I'd love to see the fireworks over the Statue of Liberty. 795 00:47:10,161 --> 00:47:12,370 Hey, have your old back problems been bothering you? 796 00:47:12,455 --> 00:47:16,166 Oh, it's been terrible! It got so bad that I made myself a back brace. 797 00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:20,795 - Really? - Yes, look, I'm still wearing it. 798 00:47:22,465 --> 00:47:24,841 Hey, my English is getting good... 799 00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,553 ...I bet I can count down from five faster than you can! 800 00:47:28,888 --> 00:47:30,805 Five, four, three, two, one! 801 00:47:36,687 --> 00:47:38,521 Allison! Are you okay? 802 00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,064 I... Yes. 803 00:47:40,149 --> 00:47:42,775 You know what? You people, you make me sick! 804 00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,320 You see a Middle Easterner on an aircraft 805 00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:48,448 and you just assume that he's hatching some violent plot? 806 00:47:48,532 --> 00:47:53,077 Allison Burgers is a persecuted dissident, not a murderous madman! 807 00:47:53,162 --> 00:47:55,997 He was reported saying, "Let's take out the guards at the Lancaster." 808 00:47:56,081 --> 00:47:58,541 Guess what? We deliver to the Lancaster! 809 00:47:58,626 --> 00:47:59,626 Good one! 810 00:47:59,710 --> 00:48:02,795 Maybe he wanted to take the guards out for a falafel! 811 00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,130 That's a bit of a stereotype, 812 00:48:04,215 --> 00:48:07,342 but I get the idea. Great idea! Yeah. You... 813 00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:10,428 You know what? Is it a crime to care about your job? 814 00:48:10,513 --> 00:48:11,679 Yeah! Well, it is in Wadiya. 815 00:48:12,306 --> 00:48:15,266 Where did you get your diversity and sensitivity training, huh? 816 00:48:15,351 --> 00:48:16,559 The Stasi? 817 00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:20,647 Let's see how you feel about racial profiling when white people... 818 00:48:33,244 --> 00:48:34,786 And I know what I'm talking about 819 00:48:34,870 --> 00:48:37,413 because I majored in Fem Lit! 820 00:48:38,249 --> 00:48:39,457 Come on. 821 00:48:40,960 --> 00:48:42,794 Hey! What are you doing? Where are you going? 822 00:48:42,878 --> 00:48:43,878 Don't worry! 823 00:48:43,963 --> 00:48:46,047 Just suck the fatoot of the biggest guy, you'll be fine. 824 00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:47,131 You're really fucking me here, man! 825 00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:51,469 The police here are such fascists! 826 00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:52,679 Yeah, right, and not in a good way. 827 00:48:52,763 --> 00:48:54,389 It just makes me so mad! 828 00:48:54,473 --> 00:48:57,225 You know, Zoey, you were great back there. 829 00:48:57,309 --> 00:48:58,935 Thanks. I just... 830 00:48:59,562 --> 00:49:01,104 I don't know, I just feel so sorry 831 00:49:01,188 --> 00:49:02,564 that wherever you go in the world, 832 00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,315 you're the victim of police abuse. 833 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,483 Well, not always the victim. 834 00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:09,946 Come here. I'm just so sorry! You're okay now. 835 00:49:10,197 --> 00:49:11,281 All right? 836 00:49:11,365 --> 00:49:13,741 And I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you. 837 00:49:13,826 --> 00:49:15,535 You know what? Let's get you back to the collective, okay? 838 00:49:16,328 --> 00:49:17,287 Come on. 839 00:49:17,371 --> 00:49:18,371 No, a bit more. 840 00:49:18,998 --> 00:49:20,290 Okay. 841 00:49:20,958 --> 00:49:22,959 - Come on, let's go. I need to go to work. - I feel so sad! 842 00:49:24,628 --> 00:49:25,712 Let's do another hug, okay? 843 00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:27,505 Allison, why are you sad? 844 00:49:28,674 --> 00:49:30,008 The brutality? 845 00:49:30,301 --> 00:49:32,093 Did you suffer from sexual abuse? 846 00:49:32,177 --> 00:49:35,305 Yes, they raped me in a very unprofessional way. 847 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:38,641 Oh, no. We have to get you to the Rape Center. 848 00:49:38,726 --> 00:49:40,560 You have a center for rape here? 849 00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,895 Great! I'd love to go! Maybe another time, you know. 850 00:49:42,980 --> 00:49:46,274 Hire a limo, have some cocktails, bring my raping shoes. 851 00:49:54,950 --> 00:49:56,326 Can you get me that one? 852 00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:58,536 Which one? 853 00:49:59,121 --> 00:50:00,788 The one with the "fuck-me hooves." 854 00:50:01,582 --> 00:50:03,833 You're bizzare. I'm going to have to change the channels now. 855 00:50:04,293 --> 00:50:07,086 ...tour from hell for an Ohio couple earlier today when, 856 00:50:07,254 --> 00:50:08,463 ...with shades of 9l11, 857 00:50:08,547 --> 00:50:11,591 their helicopter tour of the Manhattan skyline was cut short 858 00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:15,803 by what police are now calling a "terrorism misunderstanding" 859 00:50:15,888 --> 00:50:19,724 involving a man named Emer Gencyexitonly. 860 00:50:20,517 --> 00:50:21,517 Etra. 861 00:50:23,228 --> 00:50:24,395 We have a problem. 862 00:50:29,401 --> 00:50:31,819 Hannah, that guy from the Lancaster's coming tomorrow morning, 863 00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:33,696 so why don't you take the mafroom downstairs 864 00:50:33,781 --> 00:50:35,782 and make some sort of a nice display? 865 00:50:35,908 --> 00:50:38,451 I just want everything to be perfect. 866 00:50:39,078 --> 00:50:40,161 Zoey? 867 00:50:40,245 --> 00:50:41,412 Allison. Hi. 868 00:50:41,580 --> 00:50:44,165 To thank you for what you did today at the police station, 869 00:50:44,249 --> 00:50:46,501 I have decided to bestow upon you a gift. 870 00:50:46,877 --> 00:50:49,212 - That's sweet. What is it? - Yeah. 871 00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:59,263 I don't know what that is. 872 00:50:59,431 --> 00:51:02,141 It's fine. Please, gobble up my little mouse. 873 00:51:02,935 --> 00:51:04,185 Snack on my tiny raisin. 874 00:51:04,436 --> 00:51:05,895 Give her a mouth bath. Go. 875 00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:09,899 Oh! No! 876 00:51:10,943 --> 00:51:13,444 No, I am not going to do that. 877 00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,988 I'm getting a lot of this and not much of this... 878 00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:21,828 Listen, I understand that you're having urges, okay? 879 00:51:21,912 --> 00:51:22,954 Right. 880 00:51:23,038 --> 00:51:25,623 But you need to take care of them by yourself. 881 00:51:25,916 --> 00:51:27,750 Myself? What? How? 882 00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,544 You need to touch yourself. 883 00:51:29,711 --> 00:51:32,380 I don't touch myself. Do you touch yourself? 884 00:51:32,756 --> 00:51:35,007 I think most healthy people do, yes. 885 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,428 Yeah, you touch your own malawach? Disgusting! Yuck! 886 00:51:38,512 --> 00:51:39,595 Yuck! 887 00:51:39,847 --> 00:51:43,266 Stop joking, all right? You've never jerked off? 888 00:51:45,269 --> 00:51:46,853 Okay, come with me. 889 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:48,938 Where are you taking me to? The Rape Center? 890 00:51:52,985 --> 00:51:54,485 This is silly. 891 00:51:54,820 --> 00:51:56,154 Okay... 892 00:51:56,655 --> 00:51:59,574 Take your penis out and put it in your hands. 893 00:51:59,658 --> 00:52:00,700 This is silly. 894 00:52:02,661 --> 00:52:06,622 Now, slowly move your hand up and down. 895 00:52:06,707 --> 00:52:07,790 Okay. 896 00:52:08,625 --> 00:52:10,793 I told you already, this is... 897 00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:15,298 Wait. 898 00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:17,550 What sorcery is this? 899 00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:20,678 Some people wait a lifetime 900 00:52:20,762 --> 00:52:25,475 For a moment like this 901 00:52:25,559 --> 00:52:28,811 Some people wait a lifetime 902 00:52:28,896 --> 00:52:31,814 For a moment like this 903 00:52:31,899 --> 00:52:37,236 Whoa, I can't believe it's happening to me 904 00:52:37,321 --> 00:52:40,239 Some people wait a lifetime 905 00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:45,828 For a moment like this 906 00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:54,795 I can't believe it's happening to me 907 00:52:56,256 --> 00:52:59,050 I did it! I just jerked it completely off! 908 00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,593 I did it all by myself! 909 00:53:00,677 --> 00:53:03,012 With this hand right here! 910 00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:06,307 I grabbed my bilbul like I was strangling a bird. 911 00:53:06,391 --> 00:53:08,559 And I smacked it and I smacked it and I gave it a flick, 912 00:53:08,644 --> 00:53:09,977 and out came my own labeneh! 913 00:53:10,229 --> 00:53:11,229 Zoey? 914 00:53:11,396 --> 00:53:14,982 Zoey! You have changed my life! 915 00:53:15,526 --> 00:53:19,570 Give a man a vagina and he will shpichs for a day. 916 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:23,366 Teach a man to use his hand as a vagina, 917 00:53:23,575 --> 00:53:25,409 and he will shpichs for a lifetime. 918 00:53:25,869 --> 00:53:27,995 Oh. No, no. Thank you. 919 00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:31,415 Allison, you may need to keep your voice down because... 920 00:53:31,959 --> 00:53:34,460 We've got a lot of customers. You may want to go wash up. 921 00:53:34,545 --> 00:53:35,586 Fine. 922 00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:38,339 Joteph, go and hose down my Crocs. 923 00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:41,842 I've done my labeneh all over the wellness center. 924 00:53:46,223 --> 00:53:47,515 Okay. 925 00:53:50,269 --> 00:53:52,895 The guy from the Lancaster is going to love this. 926 00:53:53,730 --> 00:53:54,730 Okay. 927 00:53:55,065 --> 00:53:56,274 Good night, Allison. 928 00:53:56,567 --> 00:53:58,150 I'll see you tomorrow morning. 929 00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,903 Good night! Thank you again. 930 00:54:05,242 --> 00:54:07,618 This is nice. Or lovely. 931 00:54:12,833 --> 00:54:14,292 - Who is it? - Nadal. 932 00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:15,418 What are you doing? 933 00:54:15,502 --> 00:54:17,128 I've discovered this amazing thing. 934 00:54:17,254 --> 00:54:19,046 I have to show you how to do it. 935 00:54:19,798 --> 00:54:20,965 It's called self juicing. 936 00:54:21,049 --> 00:54:24,051 You put your hand on your bilbul and you rub it, 937 00:54:24,136 --> 00:54:26,387 and then you can make your own labeneh come out. 938 00:54:26,471 --> 00:54:27,847 You don't have to spend any Rolexes. 939 00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:29,765 You don't have to give any dirty diamonds. 940 00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:32,685 I cannot believe I'm having this conversation with an adult man. 941 00:54:32,769 --> 00:54:34,353 What do you mean? You knew about this? 942 00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:35,813 Everybody knows about this. 943 00:54:36,481 --> 00:54:39,817 We all know about this from the age of 12, 13. 944 00:54:39,985 --> 00:54:41,986 Why does nobody ever tell me anything? 945 00:54:42,154 --> 00:54:44,947 Because you have everybody executed who tells you anything. 946 00:54:45,240 --> 00:54:47,658 Listen, I'm thinking of revealing my true identity 947 00:54:47,868 --> 00:54:49,660 to the hairy titted ape woman. 948 00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:51,954 Whoa! No, what? Why would you even do that? 949 00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:53,581 I think she'll be cool with it. 950 00:54:53,832 --> 00:54:55,291 She will not be cool with it. 951 00:54:55,417 --> 00:54:58,461 How is she tojudge? She shaves her armpits once a year, 952 00:54:58,545 --> 00:55:01,172 and she takes lovers outside of her ethnic group. 953 00:55:01,381 --> 00:55:03,257 Are my crimes any worse than hers? 954 00:55:03,508 --> 00:55:05,509 Remember, you hate her. 955 00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:07,219 And everything she stands for. 956 00:55:07,638 --> 00:55:09,597 - Okay. - I have to go now. 957 00:55:10,932 --> 00:55:11,932 I despise you. 958 00:55:12,142 --> 00:55:14,185 You know, sometimes you say some very hurtful things. 959 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:15,853 Anyway, I'm going to hang up on you. 960 00:55:15,979 --> 00:55:18,856 No, come on. This is like a real opportunity for me. 961 00:55:18,940 --> 00:55:20,024 I want to hang up first. 962 00:55:20,108 --> 00:55:21,817 I've hung up. I hung up already. 963 00:55:23,528 --> 00:55:25,780 That is your voice doing that noise. You have not hung up. 964 00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,531 I am hanging up. Click... 965 00:55:28,742 --> 00:55:29,950 Nadal, are you still there? 966 00:55:31,453 --> 00:55:33,704 - Nadal, are you still there? - I win. 967 00:55:34,581 --> 00:55:36,165 No wonder you're a Mac Genius. 968 00:55:37,042 --> 00:55:38,501 What a fucking idiot. 969 00:55:45,258 --> 00:55:53,307 Zoey! 970 00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:57,895 Zoey. 971 00:56:09,241 --> 00:56:10,241 Zoey? 972 00:56:12,953 --> 00:56:13,953 Etra. 973 00:56:15,747 --> 00:56:16,747 Etra... 974 00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:45,776 Etra, is this because you're the only virgin guard 975 00:56:45,861 --> 00:56:47,027 that I left a virgin? 976 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:18,828 One, two... 977 00:58:20,914 --> 00:58:21,997 Bloop. 978 00:58:23,583 --> 00:58:24,750 Text book. 979 00:58:26,461 --> 00:58:29,296 Thank you so much for meeting me early, Mr. Ogden. 980 00:58:29,631 --> 00:58:31,382 I cannot wait for you to sample our mafroom. 981 00:58:31,550 --> 00:58:33,342 You are gonna swear that you're in Wadiya. 982 00:58:34,344 --> 00:58:36,262 Excuse me. What is that over there? 983 00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:38,514 That is a "C" in your window. 984 00:58:38,723 --> 00:58:40,850 No, no, no... They're totally biased against this. They hate us. 985 00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:42,685 No, it's not. I know what a "C" means. 986 00:58:42,769 --> 00:58:43,978 It's not a very good... 987 00:58:48,400 --> 00:58:49,567 Oh, my God! 988 00:58:50,735 --> 00:58:52,194 Allison, what happened? 989 00:58:54,906 --> 00:58:56,490 I don't know, I... 990 00:58:56,783 --> 00:58:59,243 I was downstairs self juicing. 991 00:59:01,037 --> 00:59:02,037 All night? 992 00:59:02,330 --> 00:59:03,330 Yes. 993 00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:04,790 I'm sorry, you were doing what? 994 00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:06,417 Doing the jerk off. 995 00:59:06,793 --> 00:59:08,544 Jerking myself to totally off. 996 00:59:08,628 --> 00:59:10,170 - I'm sorry? - Let me show you. 997 00:59:10,380 --> 00:59:11,589 - No. - She taught me. 998 00:59:11,756 --> 00:59:12,840 Oh, she taught you, did she? 999 00:59:12,924 --> 00:59:15,342 - No... - Well, thank you very much. 1000 00:59:15,510 --> 00:59:16,677 The contract is canceled. 1001 00:59:16,761 --> 00:59:17,761 - That's it! - No. 1002 00:59:17,846 --> 00:59:19,263 No, I'm going to Green World. It's over. 1003 00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:20,848 - No, Mr. Ogden. - Remember, I have to pay that... 1004 00:59:20,932 --> 00:59:23,893 - Please, no, no. - Self juicing. Filth! 1005 00:59:24,936 --> 00:59:26,020 Oh, my God... 1006 00:59:26,438 --> 00:59:27,521 Zoey... 1007 00:59:27,772 --> 00:59:29,315 We must get that contract back. 1008 00:59:29,608 --> 00:59:30,774 We can't! 1009 00:59:30,984 --> 00:59:33,903 It's impossible. We can't compete with Green World. 1010 00:59:34,613 --> 00:59:36,447 We will see about that. 1011 00:59:36,531 --> 00:59:39,658 But from now on, it is my way 1012 00:59:39,743 --> 00:59:44,413 or the highwahahtmaa- fferrohshelechnichway. 1013 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:47,458 There has been a regime change! 1014 00:59:47,542 --> 00:59:49,877 Yo! You are stocking the shelves. 1015 00:59:50,295 --> 00:59:52,713 You, senile Romanian accountant. 1016 00:59:52,797 --> 00:59:54,465 You are on the cash register. 1017 00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:58,552 The CEO of Green World does not drive a hybrid! 1018 01:00:00,805 --> 01:00:02,973 The chemicals in Green World produce 1019 01:00:03,224 --> 01:00:05,392 made this boy grow tits! 1020 01:00:11,066 --> 01:00:13,233 You promise not to steal again? 1021 01:00:13,318 --> 01:00:14,985 I won't. I won't! 1022 01:00:15,236 --> 01:00:16,946 Give him one more for fun, Viktor. 1023 01:00:36,967 --> 01:00:38,384 Good choice. 1024 01:00:53,108 --> 01:00:54,775 Hi, Viktor. 1025 01:01:10,792 --> 01:01:12,376 Supreme Grocer. 1026 01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,211 The radicchio has been washed and sorted, 1027 01:01:14,295 --> 01:01:16,046 and the spray hose has been tightly coiled. 1028 01:01:16,131 --> 01:01:17,798 Very good. Now go upstairs 1029 01:01:17,882 --> 01:01:20,134 and finish composting the wheatgrass tailings, okay? 1030 01:01:20,218 --> 01:01:21,468 Yes, Supreme Grocer. 1031 01:01:23,471 --> 01:01:24,805 Zoey! 1032 01:01:24,889 --> 01:01:27,141 What? Look... 1033 01:01:27,767 --> 01:01:28,809 Wow! 1034 01:01:29,436 --> 01:01:30,894 It's amazing! 1035 01:01:30,979 --> 01:01:33,731 Oh, it's not amazing. It's just a little less shit. 1036 01:01:34,024 --> 01:01:35,816 Well, thank you. 1037 01:01:37,027 --> 01:01:38,777 - Sorry. - Oh, of course. 1038 01:01:38,862 --> 01:01:41,739 - Personal. - Thank you. Thank you again. 1039 01:01:43,908 --> 01:01:45,826 - Hello? - I have some very good news. 1040 01:01:45,910 --> 01:01:46,952 What is it? 1041 01:01:47,037 --> 01:01:50,664 I managed to buy some beards at the wig store today that are perfect. 1042 01:01:50,749 --> 01:01:52,958 No, Nadal, it must be real hair. 1043 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,085 - And from the head of a great man! - What? 1044 01:01:55,170 --> 01:01:56,837 Like Castro or Gandalf. 1045 01:01:56,921 --> 01:01:58,172 No... 1046 01:02:01,009 --> 01:02:03,677 Well done, Nadal. This beard is perfect. 1047 01:02:08,850 --> 01:02:10,934 Those are lovely flowers. 1048 01:02:11,019 --> 01:02:12,936 You know, Zoey is thinking of opening 1049 01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:15,355 an eco-friendly flower section to the store. 1050 01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:18,734 This is the fifth time you've mentioned her today. What is going on? 1051 01:02:18,818 --> 01:02:20,486 The signing is in two days. 1052 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:22,404 Tell me you're not falling for this woman! 1053 01:02:22,864 --> 01:02:25,532 Of course I'm not. This is silly. 1054 01:02:25,867 --> 01:02:28,869 Okay, good. All we need to do is slip into this chapel... 1055 01:02:28,953 --> 01:02:30,120 And yet, it's strange. 1056 01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,122 The other day, I asked her to, you know, 1057 01:02:32,207 --> 01:02:34,875 gobble on my bilbul and she said, "No." 1058 01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:36,960 So obviously I wanted to execute her. 1059 01:02:37,045 --> 01:02:40,297 But the thought of her decapitated head actually upset me, 1060 01:02:40,381 --> 01:02:42,132 - so I decided not to do it. - No. 1061 01:02:42,217 --> 01:02:45,552 When the thought of someone's decapitated head upsets you, 1062 01:02:45,637 --> 01:02:47,387 that is love. 1063 01:02:47,639 --> 01:02:50,641 - I swear, I don't even like her at all. - You don't like her? 1064 01:02:50,809 --> 01:02:53,560 She has the body shape of a 14-year-old boy. 1065 01:02:53,895 --> 01:02:57,648 Well, that is a particular weakness of yours. 1066 01:02:57,732 --> 01:02:59,650 Need I remind you of the Menudo incident? 1067 01:02:59,859 --> 01:03:01,610 Those boys had their eyes open. 1068 01:03:01,694 --> 01:03:02,986 They knew exactly what they were doing. 1069 01:03:03,071 --> 01:03:04,571 We made them have their eyes open. 1070 01:03:04,656 --> 01:03:06,824 You made me hold one of their eyes open, 1071 01:03:06,908 --> 01:03:08,534 so they'd see what you were doing to them. 1072 01:03:09,119 --> 01:03:11,161 They seemed to be having a pretty good time. 1073 01:03:11,246 --> 01:03:13,705 They were not. Those boys were crying. 1074 01:03:13,998 --> 01:03:15,249 Three of them killed themselves! 1075 01:03:16,251 --> 01:03:17,376 Nothing to do with me. 1076 01:03:17,460 --> 01:03:19,837 Everything to do with you! A lot of them wrote notes. 1077 01:03:19,921 --> 01:03:22,589 In their suicide notes they named you by name! 1078 01:03:22,841 --> 01:03:25,133 It's all a rumor. And you're being silly. 1079 01:03:25,718 --> 01:03:27,052 Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'? 1080 01:03:27,345 --> 01:03:28,846 Are you guys friends of the deceased? 1081 01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:30,931 How do I put this? 1082 01:03:31,182 --> 01:03:32,683 He was my nigger. 1083 01:03:33,017 --> 01:03:34,476 No, that's not the way to put it. 1084 01:03:34,602 --> 01:03:36,228 - Whoa, whoa! - No? 1085 01:03:36,479 --> 01:03:37,771 He was my negger. Nigger. Nagger? 1086 01:03:37,981 --> 01:03:39,189 - No, no, no. - What is that? 1087 01:03:39,274 --> 01:03:40,566 - Negar. Nigger? Nagur? - No, no. 1088 01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:41,817 Please stop. Please. 1089 01:03:41,901 --> 01:03:42,943 I told you, before we came in. 1090 01:03:43,027 --> 01:03:45,529 One word, do not say. Is the exact word you're using now. 1091 01:03:45,613 --> 01:03:46,989 - No, I said Nuga... - One dozen times. 1092 01:03:47,198 --> 01:03:50,117 Please relate to him that there could be two funerals today. 1093 01:03:50,243 --> 01:03:52,202 I... Believe me when I tell you, 1094 01:03:52,328 --> 01:03:55,622 we are here only to pay our respects to a great man. 1095 01:03:55,874 --> 01:03:58,041 Okay, Eldridge's casket is laying in the chapel right now. 1096 01:03:58,334 --> 01:03:59,877 We're gonna have the viewing in a few minutes. 1097 01:04:00,211 --> 01:04:01,378 Thank you very much. 1098 01:04:03,006 --> 01:04:04,381 I love your music, by the way. 1099 01:04:04,549 --> 01:04:05,924 No, it's not. He's not a musician. 1100 01:04:06,050 --> 01:04:09,928 I'm so, so sorry that Whitney turned out like she did. 1101 01:04:10,054 --> 01:04:11,305 - It's not Bobby Brown. - Hey... 1102 01:04:15,977 --> 01:04:18,228 - Go there. - Okay. Here we go. 1103 01:04:27,864 --> 01:04:28,947 Hello? Somebody in here? 1104 01:04:29,032 --> 01:04:31,158 Nadal! The Sub-Saharans have discovered us! 1105 01:04:31,242 --> 01:04:32,826 - What? Okay, okay, okay! - Hurry, hurry! 1106 01:04:32,911 --> 01:04:34,411 - Just a moment! - What you doin' in there? 1107 01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,538 Jerking off. 1108 01:04:37,123 --> 01:04:38,123 Open this door! 1109 01:04:38,583 --> 01:04:40,500 - No, no, no! - Open the door now! 1110 01:04:40,752 --> 01:04:43,086 Quick! Plan B! Plan B! 1111 01:04:52,680 --> 01:04:53,764 Why did you chop off his head? 1112 01:04:53,848 --> 01:04:54,932 You said Plan B! 1113 01:04:55,016 --> 01:04:56,808 Plan B was to have coffee and regroup, 1114 01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:59,227 it was not to chop his head off! 1115 01:05:07,278 --> 01:05:09,071 Good morning, Nadal! 1116 01:05:09,948 --> 01:05:12,282 Wake up! Good morning, Nadal! 1117 01:05:14,827 --> 01:05:16,411 No, no, no, no, no, no! 1118 01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:17,621 Get this away from me! 1119 01:05:17,705 --> 01:05:18,956 You know, me and you are quite a team. 1120 01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:20,040 No, no. 1121 01:05:20,124 --> 01:05:21,541 You know who else makes a great team? 1122 01:05:21,626 --> 01:05:24,086 Ebony and ivory 1123 01:05:24,170 --> 01:05:25,587 No, no, no! 1124 01:05:25,713 --> 01:05:27,047 Live together in perfect harmony 1125 01:05:27,131 --> 01:05:28,131 What is wrong with you? Get it out of here! 1126 01:05:29,175 --> 01:05:30,175 Good one. 1127 01:05:34,639 --> 01:05:36,598 Splish splash I was taking a bath! 1128 01:05:37,558 --> 01:05:39,142 No! Get it out of here! 1129 01:05:40,311 --> 01:05:41,979 Oh, that is weird. 1130 01:05:43,481 --> 01:05:48,318 I threw in some carob-covered goji berries, just as a treat. Enjoy. 1131 01:05:48,820 --> 01:05:53,073 Thank you. That's very kind of you. You're a very nice man. 1132 01:05:53,658 --> 01:05:55,659 What the fuck did you call me? 1133 01:05:56,661 --> 01:05:58,495 I said you were nice! 1134 01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:07,421 Allison! The Lancaster just called! We got the contract back! 1135 01:06:07,505 --> 01:06:09,589 - Great! Whatever! - I know! 1136 01:06:09,674 --> 01:06:12,009 Green World is shutting down their Manhattan store! 1137 01:06:12,343 --> 01:06:14,219 I wonder what could have happened? 1138 01:06:16,180 --> 01:06:18,265 Be careful with that, sweetheart. Be careful. 1139 01:06:18,599 --> 01:06:21,351 Oh, yeah, we're going to have a nice big salad. 1140 01:06:22,186 --> 01:06:23,895 Celebratory cuddle? 1141 01:06:25,523 --> 01:06:26,606 Well done! 1142 01:06:26,774 --> 01:06:28,191 - You smell bad. - I know. 1143 01:06:28,693 --> 01:06:29,776 Help! 1144 01:06:29,861 --> 01:06:32,070 Somebody help! My wife is in labor! 1145 01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:34,031 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 1146 01:06:34,198 --> 01:06:36,992 Baby? The ambulance can't be here for 20 minutes. Can you hold it? 1147 01:06:37,076 --> 01:06:38,744 I can't hold it! It's coming out! 1148 01:06:39,037 --> 01:06:40,162 It's coming out! 1149 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:42,956 Does anyone have any medical experience? 1150 01:06:43,207 --> 01:06:46,793 I was Wadiya's Chief Surgeon for the last 22 years. 1151 01:06:47,086 --> 01:06:48,879 Please. Please help us. Please. 1152 01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:51,131 - Allison, they need your help. Come on. - Okay, fine. 1153 01:06:51,758 --> 01:06:52,758 Come on. 1154 01:06:53,259 --> 01:06:54,342 Are you okay? 1155 01:06:55,762 --> 01:06:57,471 Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? 1156 01:06:57,555 --> 01:06:58,930 Sorry! Old habits die hard. 1157 01:06:59,390 --> 01:07:01,058 All right, I'm going in. 1158 01:07:02,977 --> 01:07:04,019 That's the wrong hole! 1159 01:07:04,103 --> 01:07:06,063 - What? - You just put your fist up the wrong hole. 1160 01:07:06,230 --> 01:07:07,856 If I had a dollar for every time I heard that. 1161 01:07:09,734 --> 01:07:10,776 Get it outta there. 1162 01:07:11,486 --> 01:07:13,487 - Going in again. - Okay, good. 1163 01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,238 Still my asshole! 1164 01:07:15,490 --> 01:07:16,990 What is wrong with you, man? 1165 01:07:17,075 --> 01:07:18,533 You just put it in my asshole again! 1166 01:07:18,618 --> 01:07:20,118 Just go up from where you are. 1167 01:07:20,828 --> 01:07:23,455 The good news is, your prostate is completely healthy. 1168 01:07:24,415 --> 01:07:26,083 That's good. That's good. 1169 01:07:26,334 --> 01:07:27,709 - Going in again. - Okay, good. 1170 01:07:31,422 --> 01:07:32,589 Hold on. 1171 01:07:33,925 --> 01:07:34,966 What are you... 1172 01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:38,845 Allison, stop it! You need two hands! 1173 01:07:39,180 --> 01:07:40,347 But I'm in the middle of the text. 1174 01:07:40,598 --> 01:07:42,182 It's coming out! 1175 01:07:47,438 --> 01:07:48,814 - Where is that coming from? - What? 1176 01:07:54,112 --> 01:07:56,113 I'm really sorry. I'm gonna have to take this call. 1177 01:07:56,322 --> 01:07:57,656 Is there a phone in my body? 1178 01:07:57,949 --> 01:07:59,282 What are you doing? 1179 01:07:59,408 --> 01:08:00,784 I'm in the Lincoln Tunnel. 1180 01:08:00,993 --> 01:08:03,328 What? Okay, look. We need to talk for a minute. 1181 01:08:03,663 --> 01:08:05,622 Hello, Nadal. Listen, I can't speak now. 1182 01:08:05,706 --> 01:08:07,207 I'll speak to you later, okay? Bye! 1183 01:08:07,542 --> 01:08:09,459 Stop talking to my vagina! 1184 01:08:10,795 --> 01:08:13,463 Zoey, the baby's stuck. I need you to put your hand in and help me. 1185 01:08:13,756 --> 01:08:15,006 - What? No... - Come on! Put it in! 1186 01:08:15,091 --> 01:08:16,800 - No, don't be scared. Put it in. - Okay. Okay. 1187 01:08:17,051 --> 01:08:18,385 - I'm sorry. - Put it right there on the right side. 1188 01:08:18,469 --> 01:08:20,387 - Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh! - Push in. 1189 01:08:21,556 --> 01:08:22,681 I think I feel an arm! 1190 01:08:24,308 --> 01:08:25,308 That's my finger. 1191 01:08:38,698 --> 01:08:41,241 Excuse me. You guys make a really cute couple together. 1192 01:08:41,325 --> 01:08:42,951 But maybe could you finish doing this 1193 01:08:43,035 --> 01:08:44,995 when you're not elbow-deep in my pussy! 1194 01:08:45,329 --> 01:08:47,539 Okay, Allison, you've got the head? 1195 01:08:47,832 --> 01:08:49,583 - I've got the head. - Okay, it's coming out. 1196 01:08:49,667 --> 01:08:50,709 Come on, push! 1197 01:08:53,171 --> 01:08:56,006 Where are the rebel bases? Where are the rebel bases? 1198 01:08:56,340 --> 01:08:57,883 Sorry, sorry. 1199 01:08:58,176 --> 01:09:01,136 Wait, I can see the head! I can see the head! 1200 01:09:01,220 --> 01:09:02,345 I can't push anymore! 1201 01:09:06,851 --> 01:09:09,269 You did it! You did it! 1202 01:09:17,528 --> 01:09:18,862 I sentence you 1203 01:09:19,197 --> 01:09:20,697 to life. 1204 01:09:23,201 --> 01:09:24,284 It's still attached! 1205 01:09:24,410 --> 01:09:26,369 Sorry. Oh, no. 1206 01:09:26,537 --> 01:09:27,871 - What's wrong? - I'm sorry. 1207 01:09:28,080 --> 01:09:29,581 It's bad news. 1208 01:09:29,916 --> 01:09:31,041 It's a girl. 1209 01:09:33,169 --> 01:09:34,211 Where's the trash can? 1210 01:09:34,420 --> 01:09:36,421 No, no, no, no! That's what we wanted! 1211 01:09:36,714 --> 01:09:38,381 We'll take her, we'll take her. 1212 01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:39,466 Oh, baby. 1213 01:09:43,971 --> 01:09:46,806 You were so amazing down there. 1214 01:09:47,141 --> 01:09:49,226 You saved a little person's life. 1215 01:09:58,402 --> 01:09:59,986 It feels so nice to kiss you. 1216 01:10:00,071 --> 01:10:01,488 I know. It's nice to kiss you, too. 1217 01:10:01,572 --> 01:10:03,073 I love the hugging. 1218 01:10:03,491 --> 01:10:04,908 I just came. 1219 01:10:08,162 --> 01:10:09,663 I don't care. 1220 01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:12,165 Lie back. 1221 01:10:12,250 --> 01:10:13,291 Okay. 1222 01:10:13,376 --> 01:10:15,043 This is going to be amazing for you. 1223 01:10:15,127 --> 01:10:16,461 Okay! 1224 01:10:29,600 --> 01:10:31,059 You have such a small stomach. 1225 01:10:31,227 --> 01:10:33,520 It's like a 10-year-old boy's. 1226 01:10:35,439 --> 01:10:38,066 Normally, I don't kiss a 10-year-old boy's stomach. 1227 01:10:38,276 --> 01:10:39,484 They kiss mine. 1228 01:10:40,861 --> 01:10:41,861 See you in 15 minutes. 1229 01:10:45,283 --> 01:10:46,324 Okay. 1230 01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:56,710 Wait, wait. 1231 01:10:57,044 --> 01:10:58,378 Wait. 1232 01:11:00,339 --> 01:11:02,507 Allison, before we go any further, 1233 01:11:03,384 --> 01:11:05,468 there's something that I want to tell you. 1234 01:11:05,720 --> 01:11:08,305 You've got a dick. I knew it. 1235 01:11:09,056 --> 01:11:11,182 Allison, I don't have a dick. 1236 01:11:11,434 --> 01:11:12,684 Great! 1237 01:11:13,060 --> 01:11:15,437 And I've never been with a guy with a dick. 1238 01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:16,938 Or any guy. 1239 01:11:18,607 --> 01:11:19,649 Or boys. 1240 01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:22,986 Just girls. 1241 01:11:24,363 --> 01:11:25,447 And children. 1242 01:11:25,948 --> 01:11:28,783 Not male ones. Female ones. 1243 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:34,706 What I wanted to tell you was this. 1244 01:11:34,790 --> 01:11:37,959 I really want to be with you, Allison Burgers. 1245 01:11:38,794 --> 01:11:40,045 Zoey, 1246 01:11:41,839 --> 01:11:43,923 I'm not really Allison Burgers. 1247 01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:47,677 I'm actually a little somebody called 1248 01:11:48,679 --> 01:11:50,680 Admiral General 1249 01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:52,640 Aladeen. 1250 01:11:57,063 --> 01:11:59,230 No, what's your real name? 1251 01:11:59,440 --> 01:12:01,191 Wait, this will convince you. 1252 01:12:03,027 --> 01:12:04,069 Look, it's me! 1253 01:12:04,987 --> 01:12:08,156 The weapons inspectors will bathe in their own blood! 1254 01:12:09,575 --> 01:12:11,034 That's your beard? 1255 01:12:11,118 --> 01:12:13,161 No, no, no! It's not my beard. 1256 01:12:13,245 --> 01:12:15,288 My friend chopped the head off Morgan Freeman. 1257 01:12:15,748 --> 01:12:18,041 It's a hilarious story. I'll tell you later, okay? 1258 01:12:18,584 --> 01:12:21,878 You are out of your mind. You're insane! 1259 01:12:22,046 --> 01:12:24,964 Well, you download songs illegally from the Internet. 1260 01:12:25,508 --> 01:12:27,050 So let's not throw stones, okay? 1261 01:12:27,802 --> 01:12:29,135 You're a murderer! 1262 01:12:29,470 --> 01:12:31,513 No, no, no! Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! No. 1263 01:12:31,597 --> 01:12:34,849 You were just using me to get access to that hotel! 1264 01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:36,142 No! 1265 01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:39,813 Zoey, I'm attracted to you in a really fucked-up way. 1266 01:12:40,314 --> 01:12:42,315 Oh, my God! 1267 01:12:42,650 --> 01:12:45,193 I'm canceling that contract tomorrow! 1268 01:12:45,653 --> 01:12:47,904 No, Zoey! What have I ever done wrong? 1269 01:12:48,155 --> 01:12:50,156 You lied to me! 1270 01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:52,659 And you're wanted for war crimes! 1271 01:12:52,743 --> 01:12:54,327 That stuff never sticks. 1272 01:12:54,912 --> 01:12:56,621 You need to leave now. 1273 01:12:57,665 --> 01:13:01,126 You have broken my heart into Aladeen pieces. 1274 01:13:23,732 --> 01:13:26,109 With the signing of the constitution tomorrow morning, 1275 01:13:26,193 --> 01:13:28,695 democracy in Wadiya is just hours away, 1276 01:13:28,779 --> 01:13:31,114 and people are in the streets celebrating. 1277 01:13:31,407 --> 01:13:35,452 Kill Aladeen, kill Aladeen, hey! 1278 01:13:39,790 --> 01:13:41,624 What do you think of Admiral General Aladeen? 1279 01:13:41,750 --> 01:13:43,668 We hate him. We hate him. 1280 01:13:43,794 --> 01:13:46,296 You know, when we think ofhim, we... 1281 01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:48,965 We vomit, and we spit and we don't want him. 1282 01:13:49,175 --> 01:13:51,301 What would you say to General Aladeen ifhe were watching this? 1283 01:13:51,510 --> 01:13:53,178 I have a message forAladeen. 1284 01:13:53,679 --> 01:13:54,888 Suevel. 1285 01:13:55,097 --> 01:13:57,640 Suevel. Suevel. 1286 01:14:16,660 --> 01:14:18,244 - Good-bye! - Stop, stop, wait! 1287 01:14:18,329 --> 01:14:19,329 What are you doing? 1288 01:14:20,664 --> 01:14:21,664 How did you find me? 1289 01:14:22,249 --> 01:14:24,334 You texted me, like, seven times. 1290 01:14:26,253 --> 01:14:27,921 I am executing myself! 1291 01:14:28,255 --> 01:14:29,589 What? Why? 1292 01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,299 Because no one has ever loved me! 1293 01:14:31,675 --> 01:14:33,718 Your father would be ashamed of you! 1294 01:14:33,802 --> 01:14:36,429 No, I've realized I don't want to be like my father! 1295 01:14:36,513 --> 01:14:39,057 In fact, I don't want to be a dictator anymore! 1296 01:14:39,141 --> 01:14:40,308 What's that now? 1297 01:14:40,517 --> 01:14:43,311 I've been on a spiritual journey, man, like Eat, Pray, Love. 1298 01:14:44,563 --> 01:14:46,231 Have you gone insane? 1299 01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:48,524 I now know that on the outside, 1300 01:14:48,609 --> 01:14:49,984 I am a bit of a cocksucker. 1301 01:14:50,277 --> 01:14:53,154 - Yeah. - But deep down I'm nice. 1302 01:14:53,405 --> 01:14:55,740 - Not really. - Yes, I am! I'm like mafroom. 1303 01:14:56,033 --> 01:14:58,159 Hard and spiky on the outside, 1304 01:14:58,244 --> 01:15:00,328 but soft and really mushy on the in. 1305 01:15:00,537 --> 01:15:03,873 You're not like mafroom at all. You're like an onion. 1306 01:15:04,166 --> 01:15:06,125 An outer layer of cocksucker, 1307 01:15:06,210 --> 01:15:07,627 and when you peel it away, 1308 01:15:07,711 --> 01:15:10,421 there is 10 more layers of cocksucker underneath. 1309 01:15:12,549 --> 01:15:13,883 You are such a schmuck! 1310 01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,719 - Why are you speaking Yiddish? - I picked it up. 1311 01:15:16,845 --> 01:15:19,305 What do you mean, "I picked it up"? Who picks up Yiddish? 1312 01:15:19,390 --> 01:15:20,556 I'm in New York! 1313 01:15:20,641 --> 01:15:22,892 We're trying to erase that country off the map! 1314 01:15:22,977 --> 01:15:25,061 I don't like the people, but I like the way that 1315 01:15:25,145 --> 01:15:27,814 their words really sound like what they're meant to be. 1316 01:15:27,898 --> 01:15:30,733 Oh, I'm sorry! Did I not get the Evite to your bar mitzvah? 1317 01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:31,985 Oh, my God! 1318 01:15:32,069 --> 01:15:34,112 You've got real chutzpah saying that! 1319 01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,406 Look, where has being a nice guy gotten you, huh? 1320 01:15:36,699 --> 01:15:38,908 Standing on the edge of a bridge about to commit suicide? 1321 01:15:38,993 --> 01:15:40,076 Still wearing Crocs? 1322 01:15:40,744 --> 01:15:42,161 What's wrong with Crocs? 1323 01:15:42,246 --> 01:15:45,248 They are the universal symbol of a man who has given up hope! 1324 01:15:46,375 --> 01:15:48,334 You might as well put sweatpants on 1325 01:15:48,419 --> 01:15:50,336 and go to Applebee's for the rest of your life! 1326 01:15:51,380 --> 01:15:53,339 I'll give you that one. I do look ridiculous. 1327 01:15:53,424 --> 01:15:57,260 Yes! Listen, if you won't come down from there for yourself, 1328 01:15:57,344 --> 01:15:58,594 do it for your country. 1329 01:15:58,762 --> 01:16:00,513 If this constitution is signed, 1330 01:16:00,597 --> 01:16:03,808 there will be free press, women drivers, civil rights! 1331 01:16:04,018 --> 01:16:05,101 What are "civil rights"? 1332 01:16:05,394 --> 01:16:07,645 I'll tell you later. They're hilarious. 1333 01:16:08,147 --> 01:16:11,607 Look, you alone can stop these terrible things from happening. 1334 01:16:11,900 --> 01:16:14,485 You are the last great dictator! 1335 01:16:14,903 --> 01:16:17,071 All of the others are gone! Qaddafi, 1336 01:16:17,281 --> 01:16:19,782 Saddam, Kim Jong, Cheney. 1337 01:16:21,827 --> 01:16:23,286 You are right, Nadal. 1338 01:16:23,746 --> 01:16:25,830 I will become the greatest dictator of all, 1339 01:16:25,914 --> 01:16:27,915 the envy of madmen everywhere! 1340 01:16:28,125 --> 01:16:29,709 Yes, Supreme Leader! 1341 01:16:29,793 --> 01:16:33,171 From the mountaintops of North Korea to the jungles of Zimbabwe, 1342 01:16:33,255 --> 01:16:37,508 let every child laborer and sweatshop factory worker sing, 1343 01:16:37,593 --> 01:16:40,261 "Oppressed at last! Oppressed at last! 1344 01:16:40,637 --> 01:16:43,431 "Thank Aladeen, I am oppressed at last!" 1345 01:16:43,515 --> 01:16:44,682 Yes! Whoa! 1346 01:16:44,767 --> 01:16:46,059 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? 1347 01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:47,518 - No, no, no, no, don't fall. - I'm not doing anything. 1348 01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:50,271 Just do like a pull-up. You know how you do pull-ups? 1349 01:16:50,356 --> 01:16:51,564 I invented the pull-up. 1350 01:16:55,861 --> 01:16:58,946 If you're just joining us, we are at the Lancaster Hotel, 1351 01:16:59,031 --> 01:17:00,740 where in about 20 minutes, 1352 01:17:02,826 --> 01:17:04,660 General Aladeen will be signing the new Wadiyan constitution. 1353 01:17:04,745 --> 01:17:06,579 Dignitaries from around the world 1354 01:17:06,663 --> 01:17:09,582 are arriving now to witness the creation of a democracy 1355 01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:12,460 that will undoubtedly change the political landscape 1356 01:17:12,544 --> 01:17:14,253 of the entire region. 1357 01:17:14,505 --> 01:17:17,507 As Wadiya goes, so goes North Africa. 1358 01:17:24,014 --> 01:17:26,808 Eddie Norton, next time, you pee on me. 1359 01:17:27,101 --> 01:17:28,184 Whatever. 1360 01:17:28,519 --> 01:17:30,520 And tell Viggo Mortensen he is on my radar. 1361 01:17:32,981 --> 01:17:35,358 How do you say, "Fly is in the soup"? 1362 01:17:35,442 --> 01:17:37,276 Gentlemen, Tamir. 1363 01:17:37,653 --> 01:17:39,779 Let me introduce you to my beautiful wife. 1364 01:17:40,322 --> 01:17:42,740 Mrs. Lao, it is my very great pleasure. 1365 01:17:42,825 --> 01:17:44,992 No, no, no, no. She does not speak English. 1366 01:17:45,077 --> 01:17:46,285 Watch this. 1367 01:17:46,995 --> 01:17:48,621 You ugly horse! 1368 01:17:49,289 --> 01:17:50,331 She doesn't know. 1369 01:17:50,958 --> 01:17:55,128 "Ohhh." See? She goes "Ohhh" all the time. Watch. 1370 01:17:55,671 --> 01:17:57,338 Shaved ape. 1371 01:17:57,923 --> 01:17:58,965 "Ohhh." 1372 01:18:12,479 --> 01:18:15,481 Wait. That is how you intend to get me across to the Lancaster? 1373 01:18:15,732 --> 01:18:16,816 Absolutely. 1374 01:18:16,900 --> 01:18:18,234 - Where'd you get that? - I built it. 1375 01:18:18,652 --> 01:18:20,903 When I was going to assassinate you. 1376 01:18:21,321 --> 01:18:22,405 You mean my double. 1377 01:18:25,075 --> 01:18:26,451 Sure. Yeah. 1378 01:18:34,209 --> 01:18:36,127 Bingo! 1379 01:18:39,173 --> 01:18:40,173 Love it! 1380 01:18:40,257 --> 01:18:41,299 - Here's what you do. - Okay. 1381 01:18:41,383 --> 01:18:44,385 Zipline across, kill the double, 1382 01:18:44,470 --> 01:18:47,054 and then rip up the constitution in front of the world's media. 1383 01:18:47,139 --> 01:18:48,139 Piece of cake. 1384 01:19:02,529 --> 01:19:04,780 Hello, Lancaster! 1385 01:19:13,749 --> 01:19:15,041 I don't understand what has happened. 1386 01:19:15,125 --> 01:19:17,210 My calculations were very precise. 1387 01:19:17,878 --> 01:19:19,837 If you lose enough weight, then the zipline will work. 1388 01:19:19,922 --> 01:19:21,631 Do you have anything in your pockets? 1389 01:19:21,715 --> 01:19:23,382 Let me check. 1390 01:19:26,345 --> 01:19:27,553 What is that? 1391 01:19:27,638 --> 01:19:28,930 It's Vita Coco water. 1392 01:19:29,556 --> 01:19:31,057 Why do you have Vita Coco water? 1393 01:19:31,141 --> 01:19:33,809 Because it has as much potassium as three bananas. 1394 01:19:33,894 --> 01:19:35,478 The line is still too heavy. 1395 01:19:35,562 --> 01:19:37,980 Is there anything else in your pockets that could be weighing you down? 1396 01:19:39,983 --> 01:19:42,818 You're kidding. So then why did you bring three bananas? 1397 01:19:42,903 --> 01:19:46,531 Because I don't trust the advertising. I'm naturally suspicious. 1398 01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:49,659 Is there anything else you're carrying? You're still too heavy. 1399 01:19:49,743 --> 01:19:50,868 Just this. 1400 01:19:52,704 --> 01:19:53,829 What is that, a brick? 1401 01:19:53,914 --> 01:19:56,332 All this time you've had a brick? Why do you have that? 1402 01:19:56,416 --> 01:19:58,334 Well, to balance out the weight from the other one. 1403 01:19:58,418 --> 01:19:59,669 You have two bricks? 1404 01:19:59,753 --> 01:20:00,795 Yes! 1405 01:20:00,879 --> 01:20:02,380 Throw them down immediately! 1406 01:20:06,927 --> 01:20:09,387 Oh, my God! There's a little goat eating the wire! 1407 01:20:12,432 --> 01:20:14,267 You need to lose weight immediately! 1408 01:20:14,601 --> 01:20:17,228 My pockets are empty. I could poo. 1409 01:20:17,604 --> 01:20:19,188 That won't be enough to make a difference. 1410 01:20:19,273 --> 01:20:21,816 Yes, it will. I haven't gone since Wadiya. 1411 01:20:21,900 --> 01:20:24,527 Losing power has stopped me up like a cork. 1412 01:20:24,611 --> 01:20:25,903 Hurry! 1413 01:20:25,988 --> 01:20:28,573 Come on, Supreme Leader! Make it rain! Make it rain! 1414 01:20:30,158 --> 01:20:32,410 It's out! And it's pointy! 1415 01:20:33,453 --> 01:20:34,745 Somebody stop that man! 1416 01:20:36,582 --> 01:20:37,623 Yes! 1417 01:20:38,959 --> 01:20:40,167 What? No, no, no, no! 1418 01:20:40,961 --> 01:20:41,961 No, no, no! 1419 01:21:06,236 --> 01:21:07,778 Supreme Leader! 1420 01:21:11,158 --> 01:21:13,326 Get out of here before Tamir kills you. 1421 01:21:14,077 --> 01:21:15,161 Who is Tamir? 1422 01:21:15,579 --> 01:21:16,954 Tamir... 1423 01:21:17,039 --> 01:21:19,749 The bald bastard who did all these terrible things to us! 1424 01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:22,251 I thought his name was Dennis. 1425 01:21:23,795 --> 01:21:28,466 How would you even make that leap? Tamir to Dennis? 1426 01:21:29,676 --> 01:21:31,677 - Go on, get out! Get out! - Come on, Montzi! 1427 01:21:31,762 --> 01:21:32,762 Quick! 1428 01:21:35,974 --> 01:21:37,516 Just jump. It's not that far. 1429 01:21:38,685 --> 01:21:39,935 Efawadh. 1430 01:21:40,020 --> 01:21:41,687 It is almost time. 1431 01:21:44,524 --> 01:21:46,859 I like goats. 1432 01:21:48,028 --> 01:21:50,488 I am very stupid. 1433 01:21:52,407 --> 01:21:54,533 This is an historic moment. 1434 01:21:54,618 --> 01:21:57,453 Admiral General Aladeen of Wadiya 1435 01:21:57,537 --> 01:21:59,038 is going to be signing 1436 01:21:59,122 --> 01:22:02,792 the first democratic constitution in the history of his nation. 1437 01:22:02,876 --> 01:22:06,837 Across the globe, people are glued to their television sets. 1438 01:22:06,922 --> 01:22:09,507 The people of Wadiya are celebrating 1439 01:22:09,591 --> 01:22:12,426 what will be a new chapter in their country. 1440 01:22:13,261 --> 01:22:16,180 Just moments away now from putting his signature 1441 01:22:16,264 --> 01:22:18,641 on the first democratic constitution. 1442 01:22:19,393 --> 01:22:22,228 That's Tamir Mafraad, Aladeen's trusted advisor, 1443 01:22:22,312 --> 01:22:25,314 sharing a lighthearted moment with Chinese businessman, Xiang Lao. 1444 01:22:25,399 --> 01:22:27,274 Any thoughts on what they might be saying, Mike? 1445 01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:30,236 I thought I made out the words "Harvey Keitel." 1446 01:22:32,823 --> 01:22:34,448 Don't know what that meant. 1447 01:22:34,533 --> 01:22:37,284 Maybe they shared a hot dog together, I'm thinking? 1448 01:22:37,369 --> 01:22:41,747 That would make sense. He's wiping the mustard off his face and chest. 1449 01:22:41,832 --> 01:22:43,124 Excuse me! 1450 01:22:43,208 --> 01:22:44,667 You have to let me in. You don't understand. 1451 01:22:44,751 --> 01:22:46,419 He's trying to stop the signing! 1452 01:22:46,503 --> 01:22:48,045 Tamir is now speaking. 1453 01:22:48,130 --> 01:22:49,130 Today, 1454 01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:51,590 we begin a new era. 1455 01:22:52,134 --> 01:22:55,177 Wadiya will be open to the world. 1456 01:22:55,262 --> 01:22:56,846 Open to the future. 1457 01:22:56,930 --> 01:22:58,431 And open for business. 1458 01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,352 The document is ready to be signed, Supreme Leader. 1459 01:23:11,945 --> 01:23:14,697 What are you doing? This man is an imposter! 1460 01:23:14,781 --> 01:23:19,243 No! This traitor tried to kill me and had my beard removed! 1461 01:23:19,327 --> 01:23:21,537 Look! 1462 01:23:21,621 --> 01:23:24,039 Arrest the viper Tamir! 1463 01:23:24,124 --> 01:23:25,833 And now in another 1464 01:23:25,917 --> 01:23:29,545 amazing turn of events, Tamir Mafraad is being taken away. 1465 01:23:29,629 --> 01:23:32,173 This constitution 1466 01:23:32,257 --> 01:23:34,925 is nothing but a license for oil companies 1467 01:23:35,010 --> 01:23:38,512 and foreign interests to destroy my beloved Wadiya! 1468 01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:42,266 Wadiya will remain a dictatorship! 1469 01:23:52,027 --> 01:23:53,402 Oh, be quiet. 1470 01:23:53,779 --> 01:23:56,781 Why are you guys so anti dictators? 1471 01:23:57,032 --> 01:23:59,867 Imagine if America was a dictatorship. 1472 01:24:00,243 --> 01:24:04,455 You could let 1 % of the people have all the nation's wealth. 1473 01:24:04,790 --> 01:24:06,248 You could help your rich friends 1474 01:24:06,333 --> 01:24:08,876 get richer by cutting their taxes 1475 01:24:08,960 --> 01:24:12,213 and bailing them out when they gamble and lose. 1476 01:24:12,672 --> 01:24:16,967 You could ignore the needs of the poor for health care and education. 1477 01:24:17,052 --> 01:24:18,719 Your media would appear free 1478 01:24:18,804 --> 01:24:22,932 but would secretly be controlled by one person and his family. 1479 01:24:23,016 --> 01:24:27,269 You could wiretap phones, you could torture foreign prisoners. 1480 01:24:27,354 --> 01:24:29,522 You could have rigged elections. 1481 01:24:29,606 --> 01:24:31,690 You could lie about why you go to war. 1482 01:24:32,234 --> 01:24:34,026 You could fill your prisons 1483 01:24:34,110 --> 01:24:37,738 with one particular racial group and no one would complain! 1484 01:24:38,073 --> 01:24:41,450 You could use the media to scare the people 1485 01:24:41,535 --> 01:24:45,454 into supporting policies that are against their interests. 1486 01:24:45,539 --> 01:24:48,916 I know this is hard for you Americans to imagine, 1487 01:24:49,000 --> 01:24:50,960 but please try. 1488 01:24:51,044 --> 01:24:53,295 I will tell you what democracy is! 1489 01:24:53,713 --> 01:24:55,840 Democracy is the worst! 1490 01:24:55,924 --> 01:24:58,843 Endless talking and listening to every stupid opinion! 1491 01:24:58,927 --> 01:25:01,011 And everybody's vote counts, 1492 01:25:01,096 --> 01:25:04,765 no matter how crippled or black or female they are. 1493 01:25:05,684 --> 01:25:07,059 Democracy... 1494 01:25:13,817 --> 01:25:15,109 Democracy 1495 01:25:16,486 --> 01:25:20,614 has hairy armpits and could lose five pounds. 1496 01:25:21,825 --> 01:25:25,119 Democracy looks like a midget in a chemo wig. 1497 01:25:26,496 --> 01:25:29,915 Democracy, your mother called the other day 1498 01:25:30,041 --> 01:25:31,166 and I forgot to give you the message. 1499 01:25:31,293 --> 01:25:35,379 It was something very important about your grandmother. 1500 01:25:37,090 --> 01:25:39,717 Democracy kisses you because she wants to, 1501 01:25:39,801 --> 01:25:43,679 not because her father is in the next room chained to a radiator 1502 01:25:43,763 --> 01:25:45,890 with electrodes attached to his nipples. 1503 01:25:46,725 --> 01:25:51,061 Democracy is flawed! She is not perfect! 1504 01:25:51,730 --> 01:25:53,230 But democracy, 1505 01:25:56,776 --> 01:25:57,776 I love you. 1506 01:25:58,903 --> 01:26:01,989 And that is why I call for real democracy! 1507 01:26:02,073 --> 01:26:03,866 A real constitution! 1508 01:26:03,950 --> 01:26:05,909 And real elections in Wadiya! 1509 01:26:12,542 --> 01:26:14,543 Oh, no! 1510 01:26:15,420 --> 01:26:16,587 Come on! 1511 01:26:23,470 --> 01:26:26,639 Democracy, I will make you one of my wives. 1512 01:26:27,724 --> 01:26:30,142 Okay, only wife. We'll vote on it. 1513 01:26:30,769 --> 01:26:32,686 I'll shave my armpits for you. 1514 01:26:32,771 --> 01:26:34,855 Praise be to the Creator! 1515 01:26:34,939 --> 01:26:37,358 And please stop using that organic deodorant. 1516 01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:39,652 You could gas the Kurds with that stench. 1517 01:27:06,805 --> 01:27:08,722 You died protecting me, Efawadh. 1518 01:27:09,474 --> 01:27:10,474 Hello! 1519 01:27:10,767 --> 01:27:11,767 You are alive? 1520 01:27:11,976 --> 01:27:14,937 Of course! It is my job to be shot in the head. 1521 01:27:18,608 --> 01:27:20,484 - Is he okay? - He's fine. 1522 01:27:20,568 --> 01:27:23,153 Luckily the bullet hit him in the brain. 1523 01:27:24,280 --> 01:27:26,115 So, 1524 01:27:27,575 --> 01:27:28,617 what now? 1525 01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:32,246 I return to Wadiya to participate in fair elections. 1526 01:27:44,217 --> 01:27:47,761 Let's now look back at the wonderful events of the past year. 1527 01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:50,639 After Wadiya's first free elections, 1528 01:27:50,724 --> 01:27:53,684 President Prime Minister Admiral General Aladeen 1529 01:27:53,768 --> 01:27:56,353 won 98. 8 % of the vote. 1530 01:27:58,898 --> 01:28:02,484 But the big story today is the marriage of President Prime Minister 1531 01:28:02,569 --> 01:28:06,321 Admiral General Aladeen and his new bride, Zoey. 1532 01:28:10,577 --> 01:28:13,203 I now pronounce you man and wife. 1533 01:28:23,047 --> 01:28:25,257 Are you okay, my love? What did you step on? 1534 01:28:25,341 --> 01:28:26,633 Oh, yes! No, no. 1535 01:28:26,718 --> 01:28:30,387 It's my people's tradition. We always smash a glass at weddings. 1536 01:28:30,472 --> 01:28:32,306 - I'm Jewish! - What? 1537 01:28:32,390 --> 01:28:33,682 Mazel tov! 1538 01:28:38,688 --> 01:28:39,730 Are you okay? 1539 01:28:40,732 --> 01:28:43,400 That's fine. I don't mind. It's great! 1540 01:28:43,860 --> 01:28:45,569 Come here, my love. 1541 01:29:05,298 --> 01:29:07,174 Jachnoon, President Prime Minister Aladeen. 1542 01:29:07,258 --> 01:29:10,552 Jachnoon. Nadal. I have to be back at the palace in an hour. 1543 01:29:10,637 --> 01:29:12,930 Zoey thinks I'm at yoga. 1544 01:29:13,348 --> 01:29:14,348 I have great news. 1545 01:29:14,432 --> 01:29:17,226 We are just days away from testing the new missiles. 1546 01:29:17,310 --> 01:29:19,269 I have re-engineered the oxidizing ducts 1547 01:29:19,354 --> 01:29:20,813 and the payload delivery systems. 1548 01:29:20,897 --> 01:29:25,609 But you'll be happy to know, the missile is now pointy! 1549 01:29:26,861 --> 01:29:28,821 Who cares if it's pointy? 1550 01:29:28,905 --> 01:29:30,072 What? 1551 01:29:30,573 --> 01:29:32,866 You do. You care if it's pointy. 1552 01:29:32,951 --> 01:29:34,618 Why would I care about such a trivial detail? 1553 01:29:34,702 --> 01:29:36,954 Are you serious? Are you serious right now? 1554 01:29:37,038 --> 01:29:38,038 Of course I'm serious. 1555 01:29:38,122 --> 01:29:39,581 That's why you had me executed! 1556 01:29:39,666 --> 01:29:42,960 The shape of the missile has nothing to do with the payload delivery. 1557 01:29:43,044 --> 01:29:45,462 That's what I said! That's what I said the first time! 1558 01:29:45,547 --> 01:29:46,964 No, that's what I said, and you went crazy. 1559 01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,258 No! You said Professor Popeye this... 1560 01:29:49,425 --> 01:29:51,176 Professor Popeye is a cartoon. 1561 01:29:51,302 --> 01:29:52,553 No, I know this! 1562 01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,394 So, we're opening 300 Women's Centers, 1563 01:30:00,645 --> 01:30:04,565 but I'm going to have to take a break for a little bit because 1564 01:30:05,233 --> 01:30:06,608 I'm pregnant. 1565 01:30:06,693 --> 01:30:07,860 What? 1566 01:30:11,573 --> 01:30:14,074 Are you having a boy or an abortion? 1567 01:30:37,640 --> 01:30:38,682 Hello, gentlemen. How you doin'? 1568 01:30:38,766 --> 01:30:40,309 Are you guys friends of the deceased? 1569 01:30:40,393 --> 01:30:43,186 Do you want me to say this in front of his widow? 1570 01:30:43,271 --> 01:30:44,313 I was his lover. 1571 01:30:44,397 --> 01:30:45,898 No. That is not true. 1572 01:30:46,316 --> 01:30:48,317 I saw him perform with the Globetrotters. 1573 01:30:48,401 --> 01:30:50,903 I thought he was outstanding. I befriended him. 1574 01:30:50,987 --> 01:30:53,113 No, it's a different person. 1575 01:30:53,197 --> 01:30:56,533 His message of don't worry and being happy 1576 01:30:56,618 --> 01:30:57,784 was so powerful. 1577 01:30:57,869 --> 01:31:00,120 No, this is Bobby McFerrin. I told you this outside. 1578 01:31:00,204 --> 01:31:02,456 Whatever the scandal you went through, 1579 01:31:02,540 --> 01:31:04,374 you're still the best golfer in the world. 1580 01:31:04,459 --> 01:31:05,626 Let's go. 1581 01:31:07,170 --> 01:31:08,545 O-M-G. 1582 01:31:09,631 --> 01:31:11,006 Oh, my God. 1583 01:31:13,926 --> 01:31:19,640 Oh, my... 1584 01:31:25,980 --> 01:31:27,105 Zoey. 1585 01:31:28,608 --> 01:31:30,817 That's some good head! 1586 01:31:33,071 --> 01:31:35,197 That is called payback and it feels so good! 1587 01:31:35,281 --> 01:31:37,574 How did it feel for you? How did it feel for you? 1588 01:31:37,659 --> 01:31:39,451 I prefer it with goats. 1589 01:31:40,161 --> 01:31:41,703 Where is the Supreme Leader? 1590 01:31:41,788 --> 01:31:42,788 No, no. 1591 01:31:42,872 --> 01:31:45,290 Now that is called payback! 1592 01:31:45,500 --> 01:31:46,833 Oh, great! 1593 01:31:52,256 --> 01:31:55,300 Don't touch it. Don't touch it. 1594 01:31:55,760 --> 01:31:57,094 You don't have to touch it. 1595 01:31:57,178 --> 01:31:58,220 Sorry. I was... 1596 01:31:58,304 --> 01:32:00,138 Just give us... We don't... 1597 01:32:00,223 --> 01:38:41,039 Just give me a couple of millimeters to myself. 1597 01:38:42,305 --> 01:38:48,919 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/8da Help other users to choose the best subtitles