1
00:01:10,703 --> 00:01:11,727
Are you alert?
2
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:16,875
Okay, well tell them...
3
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,510
No.
4
00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:26,075
I'll be there in about 15 minutes,
so stop arguing.
5
00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,720
Okay, thanks. Bye.
6
00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:38,821
- Morning, Freddy.
- Morning, Abby.
7
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,263
- You look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, is it that bad in there?
8
00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:44,403
- Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.
9
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,595
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
10
00:01:46,806 --> 00:01:50,007
The traffic camera is down and we have
no B-roll for our traffic segment.
11
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:51,671
- That is a problem.
- Yeah.
12
00:01:51,878 --> 00:01:54,005
Call Matt at Media Lab.
He's got some Skycams.
13
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:56,182
- Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.
14
00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:57,508
- Hey.
- Hello.
15
00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,878
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
16
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,678
Thanks for being here. Good.
17
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:03,788
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
18
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:05,582
If they get the forecast wrong...
19
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,761
...research shows people
are more willing to forgive a fat guy.
20
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:11,430
I hate to do this.
I don't think I can work with her.
21
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,099
It's bad enough
I have to take her criticism at home.
22
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:18,134
- A man can only endure so much.
- Larry, you are not a man...
23
00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:19,965
...you are a newsman.
24
00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,231
Newsmen are not defined
by the easy times...
25
00:02:22,442 --> 00:02:24,535
...they're defined by the hard times.
26
00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:27,212
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw...
27
00:02:27,413 --> 00:02:29,745
...working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.
28
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,473
Because they couldn't handle it.
29
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:35,711
But you. You, my friend,
have balls the size of Volkswagens.
30
00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:39,323
- Don't think I haven't noticed.
- I only thought of them as blue of late.
31
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,460
But you're right.
They're quite sizable.
32
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:45,119
But not disproportionately so. I think
of them as aesthetically pleasing.
33
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:46,923
Yeah, I think I made my point.
34
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:49,601
Are you kidding me right now?
Nobody in Sacramento...
35
00:02:49,802 --> 00:02:53,101
...gives a crap about the extinction rate
of the Brazilian slug worm.
36
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:56,173
Knowing which celebutante
is in rehab is of vital importance?
37
00:02:56,376 --> 00:02:59,277
- Your voice makes my hair...
- Okay. He is trying to kill me.
38
00:02:59,479 --> 00:03:01,674
- He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.
39
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:05,248
- Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
- Oh, my God. Does anybody see this?
40
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:07,681
- Is that a hive?
- No, looks like syphilis to me.
41
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:11,846
You wouldn't even know what syphilis
looks like if it weren't for my story.
42
00:03:14,561 --> 00:03:16,927
- Stand by to go to three.
- Yeah, so some...
43
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:19,189
Cacciatore gets mushrooms, garlic.
Exactly.
44
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:21,367
- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
- All right.
45
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:23,365
And whatever amount
of garlic you want.
46
00:03:23,570 --> 00:03:25,367
- Really?
- You can't have enough garlic.
47
00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:27,164
- Oh, you can.
- I certainly can.
48
00:03:27,373 --> 00:03:29,841
- Do it every night.
- I got a nice, big spoon for you.
49
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,273
- Oh, excellent. Thank you.
- Here you go.
50
00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:36,774
- That good?
- I have to say, Rocco...
51
00:03:36,983 --> 00:03:39,611
...this is the best chicken cacciatore
I've ever tasted.
52
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:42,310
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
53
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,490
- Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?
54
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:47,389
And it's a great alternative
to chicken.
55
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:49,653
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
56
00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:51,329
Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
57
00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:53,362
- Get ready to roll to break.
- Yeah.
58
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:54,555
- Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.
59
00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:56,462
Man, we're a chicken household.
60
00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:58,796
- We are.
- Tell Larry to throw it to Javier...
61
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:01,838
...while she pulls it together.
- Or is it okay?
62
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,339
- It's good.
- Javier, do you like it?
63
00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:07,911
Can I take home the leftovers?
64
00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,512
- You sure you don't want any leftovers?
- When we return...
65
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,811
...our live Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.
66
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:16,215
And guess who's in rehab this week.
67
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:18,856
- Stand by to roll break.
- Also, how you can adopt...
68
00:04:19,058 --> 00:04:21,185
... your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
69
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:24,727
- Roll your break.
- How about salt? Salt make it better?
70
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,532
I don't know how you do it.
71
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:32,765
It's just a matter of looking chaos
right in the eye and telling it to eff off.
72
00:04:32,972 --> 00:04:34,405
You guys did great. Thank you.
73
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:37,075
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
74
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,869
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us...
75
00:04:39,078 --> 00:04:40,375
- Abby?
- It's this upsetting?
76
00:04:40,580 --> 00:04:42,844
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
77
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,847
Oh, he got the ratings.
78
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:50,248
- Want some?
- Yeah, give me that.
79
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,621
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
80
00:04:56,863 --> 00:05:00,594
We got beat by all the network shows,
including a rerun of Who's the Boss?
81
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,290
The one where the vacuum breaks.
82
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,471
It's just a temporary setback.
Things will be better tomorrow.
83
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:08,072
You know that guy
with the cable-access show...
84
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:11,368
...on Channel 83 does better.
85
00:05:11,577 --> 00:05:13,738
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns...
86
00:05:13,946 --> 00:05:16,278
...we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
87
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,451
Please don't tell me
you're thinking of killing the show.
88
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,052
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
89
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,485
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
90
00:05:24,691 --> 00:05:26,591
But you gotta get me some numbers.
91
00:05:26,793 --> 00:05:29,557
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
92
00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:34,222
I don't know how much you know about
Vidal Sassoon, but that shit ain't cheap.
93
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:37,062
I can rally. I will rally.
94
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,864
You do rally. Every day, Abby.
95
00:05:40,406 --> 00:05:41,805
But that's what worries me.
96
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,600
That even you won't be enough.
97
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:46,839
I should not be letting
corporate management...
98
00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:49,412
...dictate the content of this show.
It's my show.
99
00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:52,448
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
100
00:05:52,652 --> 00:05:54,643
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.
101
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,084
Absolutely not, Abby.
102
00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,690
You should be out there
observing humanity.
103
00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:03,828
- Humanity is who watches our show.
- Yeah. All 2.47 percent of them.
104
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,157
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
105
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,197
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
106
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:10,925
Look at this bone structure.
107
00:06:11,137 --> 00:06:13,799
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
108
00:06:14,006 --> 00:06:15,701
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
109
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:17,102
You printed his profile?
110
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:19,778
What? Yes. These have not
been touched in some time.
111
00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:22,106
I have to live vicariously
through your life.
112
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,783
I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
113
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,215
- Hi.
- Hello.
114
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:32,220
I'm looking for a guy with sandy brown
hair, athletic build, blue eyes.
115
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:34,858
He's 5'9". Which I know
you're thinking is short...
116
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:38,553
...but he's read The Great Gatsby...
- Well, technically 5'8" and a half...
117
00:06:38,765 --> 00:06:42,701
...but I could read The Great Gatsby
again if it makes it any better.
118
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,338
Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?
119
00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,302
Yeah, a bottle of flat water, please?
120
00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:49,497
- Sure.
- Thank you.
121
00:06:49,709 --> 00:06:53,201
Just one second. I'm sorry. Did you
know they've done studies that show...
122
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,973
...tap water and bottled water
are the same thing.
123
00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:59,481
They passed a law where restaurants
have to filter their tap water...
124
00:06:59,685 --> 00:07:02,711
...so it's filtered water,
which is the same as bottled water...
125
00:07:02,922 --> 00:07:05,390
...except you don't have to pay
7 dollars for it.
126
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:08,890
I like the way it tastes better.
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks too?
127
00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:11,393
- Thank you.
- Oh, yeah.
128
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,731
I thought...
129
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:19,564
I thought in your profile it said you...
You like to drink red wine.
130
00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:23,835
- You printed out my profile?
- My associate producer did.
131
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:27,410
She doesn't like me to not be prepared.
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
132
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,741
Kudos, by the way, on your
comprehensive car insurance plan.
133
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,681
- That wasn't in my profile.
- No, but it's in your background check.
134
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,849
So tell me about yourself.
135
00:07:39,058 --> 00:07:41,891
Well, what's left to talk about
that you don't already know?
136
00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:43,425
Good point.
137
00:07:45,798 --> 00:07:47,095
All right, well, you know...
138
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:51,896
...I actually took the liberty
of printing out some talking points...
139
00:07:52,104 --> 00:07:53,731
...in case this happened.
140
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:56,431
- I take it this has happened before?
- No. No.
141
00:07:56,642 --> 00:08:00,408
But you have nine out of 10 of the
necessary attributes on my checklist.
142
00:08:00,613 --> 00:08:02,240
Oh, dear God. Okay.
143
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:05,542
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
144
00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:26,604
Don't ask.
145
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,381
More on this when we come back.
146
00:08:37,583 --> 00:08:39,915
We'll hear from a zoo official
forced to take...
147
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:43,816
And we're back with The Ugly Truth,
where we're gonna be talking about...
148
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:47,459
... what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
149
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:52,359
I've been looking through some books.
Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
150
00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,058
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them.
151
00:08:55,668 --> 00:09:01,129
And Women Hating Men Who
Loved Women Who Hate Loving Men.
152
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:06,604
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.
153
00:09:06,812 --> 00:09:09,781
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once...
154
00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:13,349
...and it is just three little words:
155
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:16,852
Men are simple.
156
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,648
We cannot be trained.
157
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:24,228
All this, "men are from Venus" crap
is a waste of your time and money.
158
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:26,694
You wanna be a lonely hag,
then that's fine...
159
00:09:26,899 --> 00:09:28,491
... keep reading these stupid books.
160
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:32,797
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
161
00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:35,235
It's called a Stairmaster.
162
00:09:35,441 --> 00:09:37,238
Get on it, and get skinny...
163
00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,207
... and get some trashy lingerie
while you're at it...
164
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,576
...because at the end of the day,
all we're interested in is looks.
165
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:46,752
And no one falls in love
with your personality at first sight.
166
00:09:46,953 --> 00:09:49,683
We fall in love with your tits
and your ass...
167
00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:53,689
...and we stick around because of
what you're willing to do with them.
168
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:56,828
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps...
169
00:09:57,029 --> 00:10:00,430
...you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.
170
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,930
And don't forget to...
171
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:09,667
Okay? Now, let's take the first caller.
172
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,274
How dare you burn those books.
173
00:10:11,477 --> 00:10:13,502
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
174
00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,544
What's your boyfriend's name,
princess?
175
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:17,511
Well, I'm not seeing anyone
right now.
176
00:10:17,717 --> 00:10:20,242
My point exactly, Shrek. Next caller.
177
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,920
You're on the air.
178
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:25,955
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
179
00:10:26,492 --> 00:10:29,086
Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?
180
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,353
What? Come on.
181
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,690
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
182
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,230
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
183
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:37,402
Okay, I'll bite. Go on.
Who's the guy?
184
00:10:37,603 --> 00:10:40,128
- What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
185
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:43,740
The one who's so capable of love.
Who is he? What's he like?
186
00:10:43,943 --> 00:10:47,106
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
187
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:51,306
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
188
00:10:51,517 --> 00:10:55,783
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
189
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:57,478
This is a guy in America, right?
190
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,214
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
191
00:11:00,426 --> 00:11:02,758
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
192
00:11:02,962 --> 00:11:05,226
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
193
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,490
Wait a second, I get it.
194
00:11:07,733 --> 00:11:08,757
You're a lesbian.
195
00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:10,265
- What?
- Well, you must be.
196
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,630
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
197
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:15,306
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
198
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,477
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them...
199
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:21,841
...and that is the real reason
why women aren't interested in you?
200
00:11:22,048 --> 00:11:25,347
Okay. Okay, I'll give you 100 bucks
of my own money...
201
00:11:25,551 --> 00:11:28,782
... to go get this guy and bring him
down here and let me meet him.
202
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:31,923
Well, he's out there, somewhere.
203
00:11:32,124 --> 00:11:33,284
Wait a second.
204
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,357
You're not even dating this guy?
205
00:11:36,562 --> 00:11:39,588
No, I'm describing a type.
206
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,427
I thought that's what we were doing.
207
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:45,297
What? You don't even know him?
208
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:47,529
Whoa, okay, now I get the picture.
209
00:11:47,773 --> 00:11:50,765
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
210
00:11:50,976 --> 00:11:52,705
- What?
- Well, you must be.
211
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,971
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were...
212
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:59,311
If you were hot, you would be out
breaking some poor schmuck's heart...
213
00:11:59,518 --> 00:12:03,648
... instead of spending all your time
fantasizing about Mr. Wonderful.
214
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,153
Face it...
215
00:12:05,357 --> 00:12:06,346
... you're ugly.
216
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:08,686
I am not ugly.
217
00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,829
Well, okay, let me help you out here.
218
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:14,898
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone...
219
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,366
... and stop pining away for some
fantasy guy you're never gonna get.
220
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:21,039
- How can you possibly...?
- Hey, Lassie.
221
00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:25,404
The show's called The Ugly Truth.
If you can't face it, don't call.
222
00:12:25,611 --> 00:12:27,238
That wraps it up for this evening.
223
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:31,177
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
224
00:12:31,383 --> 00:12:32,372
How'd the date go?
225
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,580
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
226
00:12:35,821 --> 00:12:37,880
- That is so awesome.
- Why?
227
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:39,182
Good morning, everyone.
228
00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:40,722
- Morning.
- Morning.
229
00:12:40,926 --> 00:12:43,224
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you...
230
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:46,159
...this guy's a little rough
around the edges.
231
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:51,430
- Face it, you're ugly.
- I am not ugly.
232
00:12:51,637 --> 00:12:53,434
- Well...
- Why are we watching this?
233
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:55,664
Say hello
to our new guest commentator.
234
00:12:55,875 --> 00:12:58,742
I'm starting him at two segments
a week, three minutes a pop.
235
00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:01,174
- Are you kidding me?
- Who the hell is this guy?
236
00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:04,178
- Name's Mike Chadway.
- And he's an uber-moron misogynist...
237
00:13:04,383 --> 00:13:07,352
...who represents everything wrong
with television and society.
238
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,613
I get crap every time I suggest
we do something remotely fluffy.
239
00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:12,949
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
240
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,787
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
241
00:13:15,995 --> 00:13:18,520
We're objective.
Stone Phillips interviews terrorists.
242
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,029
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for ratings.
243
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:23,098
I have a list of ideas
to improve ratings.
244
00:13:23,302 --> 00:13:25,862
- You'll like it. We don't need him.
- Not at all.
245
00:13:26,071 --> 00:13:28,904
- "An intimate profile of the mayor."
- I like that.
246
00:13:29,108 --> 00:13:30,632
- I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.
247
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,367
- The mayor?
- Yes. It can be edgy and yet intriguing.
248
00:13:33,579 --> 00:13:36,070
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores...
249
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:40,844
...and a German shepherd on live TV,
no one's gonna give a shit.
250
00:13:42,621 --> 00:13:45,146
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was eavesdropping out in the hall.
251
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:48,393
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
252
00:13:48,594 --> 00:13:49,925
Oh, thanks, boss.
253
00:13:50,462 --> 00:13:52,259
You already hired him?
254
00:13:52,464 --> 00:13:54,659
Who's this delightful creature?
255
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,460
I'm your producer.
256
00:13:58,337 --> 00:13:59,861
Hey.
257
00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:02,440
I like a woman on top.
258
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,670
God.
259
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:07,902
- Nice office.
- He's just kidding.
260
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:09,171
Oh, yeah.
261
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,178
- Excuse me.
- Mike, you see your office?
262
00:14:11,417 --> 00:14:12,850
- No, I didn't.
- Let me show you.
263
00:14:13,052 --> 00:14:15,520
- Beautiful.
- Everybody take five. I'll be right back.
264
00:14:15,721 --> 00:14:19,088
Were you all not there last year
for our sexual-harassment meeting?
265
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:21,418
- Were you not there, Larry?
- He needs to go.
266
00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:23,117
He wasn't sexually harassing me.
267
00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:28,031
I am an award-winning news producer.
Award-winning producer.
268
00:14:28,234 --> 00:14:32,034
I am an award-winning news producer.
I am an award-winning news producer.
269
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:33,796
You're an award-winning
news producer.
270
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:37,032
- You don't knock?
- Well, I did knock. You didn't answer.
271
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:41,111
So essentially, your knock was negated
by your complete lack of adherence...
272
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:44,339
...to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
273
00:14:45,684 --> 00:14:47,515
You're wound like a fucking top.
274
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,019
Woof, woof. Remember the bark?
275
00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:53,453
Last night,
a little phone conversation we had.
276
00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:56,856
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
277
00:14:57,062 --> 00:14:58,393
You're not ugly at all.
278
00:14:58,597 --> 00:15:00,963
Oh, well, imagine my relief.
279
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:03,191
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.
280
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:05,529
I would never have gotten it
without you.
281
00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:08,002
You and I, we make good TV.
282
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:09,606
You make imbecilic trash...
283
00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:12,208
...watched by housebound inbreds
who are so busy...
284
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:15,574
...with their hands down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
285
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:18,841
I hadn't been picturing you that way,
but it's a nice image.
286
00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:20,575
I do not watch your program.
287
00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:22,651
My cat stepped on the remote.
288
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:26,984
Oh, you want to
thank your pussy for me, then?
289
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:33,262
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.
290
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,399
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
291
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:38,661
I want Mike Chadway to be nothing
but a pile of ash next to you.
292
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:42,602
I want the janitor to come vacuum up
the ashes of Mike with his Dustbuster...
293
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:46,266
...and when he dumps it outside,
I want the rats to vomit and defecate...
294
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:48,377
...on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
295
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:52,477
And I thought
you were angry and bitter.
296
00:15:53,385 --> 00:15:56,513
No, Larry,
that would be my untouched vagina.
297
00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,045
- Chadway?
- What?
298
00:15:58,257 --> 00:15:59,918
Twenty seconds to air.
299
00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:01,649
About ready? Larry?
300
00:16:01,860 --> 00:16:04,294
- There's a bird in my dressing room.
- I'll take care of it.
301
00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:06,088
- A real bird?
- It's flying around.
302
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,287
- A sparrow?
- Why?
303
00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:10,525
- I don't know what type of bird it is.
- Security here is awful.
304
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:13,136
You guys have really got to keep
the doors closed.
305
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:15,933
Four, three...
306
00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:19,934
Morning, everyone, I'm Larry Freeman.
Another beautiful day in Sacramento.
307
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,874
And I'm here with
a beautiful woman.
308
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,208
- Go, 1.
- All right, here we go.
309
00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:25,405
Thank you, Larry.
310
00:16:25,617 --> 00:16:28,245
- I'm Georgia Bordeney.
- Ready for the single on Georgia.
311
00:16:28,454 --> 00:16:32,083
For years, there have been concerns
about lowering television standards.
312
00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:35,886
But many believe that this man
and his local public-access show...
313
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:37,824
...have brought things to a new low.
314
00:16:38,564 --> 00:16:40,657
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
315
00:16:41,367 --> 00:16:42,391
How you doing, guys?
316
00:16:42,601 --> 00:16:45,798
Mike, how do you respond to people
who say your show is offensive?
317
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,633
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
318
00:16:49,608 --> 00:16:52,736
The truth about what, Mr. Chadway?
319
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,742
What relationships are really like.
320
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,577
Take marriage, for instance.
321
00:16:56,782 --> 00:17:01,276
It's about social pressure,
status and sex.
322
00:17:02,121 --> 00:17:05,852
If it weren't for these three things,
men and women wouldn't even speak.
323
00:17:06,091 --> 00:17:08,855
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you...
324
00:17:09,094 --> 00:17:12,552
...and you're taking that out
on the female population.
325
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,088
Good one.
326
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,325
- It's like Crossfire.
- That was a good one.
327
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,527
While we're making
these observations...
328
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:24,698
...you two project this image of the
perfect couple, when clearly it's a lie.
329
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:26,873
Excuse me?
330
00:17:27,112 --> 00:17:29,205
- Holy shit.
- Break for commercial.
331
00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:31,679
- No.
- Stuart said keep rolling no matter what.
332
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:34,682
What? When? This is my show.
333
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,821
- Not right now, it isn't.
- Not right now.
334
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,820
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
335
00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:43,222
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.
336
00:17:43,762 --> 00:17:45,195
What the hell happened to you?
337
00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:48,992
And you, Georgia.
I mean, this one's no dumb bunny.
338
00:17:49,201 --> 00:17:51,567
The only way she was getting
off the weekend shift...
339
00:17:51,770 --> 00:17:53,101
...was by hooking up with you.
340
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:56,331
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
341
00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,203
Ended up with twice your salary.
342
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,878
- Camera 2, two-shot.
- Come on, Larry, take him down.
343
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,311
Hold on, pal.
I am very proud of my wife's success.
344
00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:06,984
Baloney, you are.
You hate her success.
345
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:08,744
You feel emasculated by her.
346
00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:11,718
And that screws with your head.
347
00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:15,552
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.
348
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,750
What's your point?
349
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:20,193
- Yes, Georgia, take control.
- My point, Georgia...
350
00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:23,027
My point is that your husband...
351
00:18:23,235 --> 00:18:24,725
...hasn't had sex with you in...
352
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:27,595
...I'm gonna say,
what, three months?
353
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:31,003
- Chadway, that is not my fault.
- I know.
354
00:18:31,210 --> 00:18:34,111
- I mean, come on.
- I know, I know. It's her fault.
355
00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:36,543
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
356
00:18:36,748 --> 00:18:39,012
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
357
00:18:39,218 --> 00:18:41,015
She just said "erection"
on television.
358
00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:43,780
- Other networks do it.
- They're talking about erections.
359
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:45,718
They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.
360
00:18:45,924 --> 00:18:47,448
- I agree.
- Thank you.
361
00:18:47,693 --> 00:18:49,888
You've economically emasculated
your husband...
362
00:18:50,095 --> 00:18:53,758
...to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
363
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,763
I mean, sure,
you could dump his ass...
364
00:18:55,968 --> 00:19:01,031
...but, honey, have you seen the
eligible men in Sacramento? Oh, God.
365
00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,266
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
366
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:05,465
Forties?
367
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:08,305
- Oh, God.
- Hold that shot with Georgia and Mike.
368
00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:10,277
He just talked about her age.
369
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,972
- She's gonna kill me.
- Well...
370
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:14,480
- Forty?
- I mean, you ain't gonna do...
371
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:16,153
...any better than Larry.
372
00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:19,222
You just have to let him be a man.
373
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:21,955
- Let him be a man, Georgia.
- I let him be a man.
374
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,220
- You have to let me be a man.
- I have tried.
375
00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:26,226
- Let him be a man.
- You have to let me.
376
00:19:26,431 --> 00:19:29,093
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
377
00:19:29,635 --> 00:19:32,297
- Oh, God.
- Camera 1, ready for a three-shot.
378
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:34,438
- I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.
379
00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:36,972
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
380
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,973
- God. This is ridiculous.
- McFlaccid?
381
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,476
- That mean what I think it means?
- Yes. Kiss her.
382
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,649
- No. They're not gonna...
- Give it to her, right in front of me.
383
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,317
- And in front of them.
- Let me...
384
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:49,180
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man.
385
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:52,323
- No!
- Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
386
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,116
America doesn't want to see this.
387
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:57,784
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
388
00:19:57,996 --> 00:20:00,123
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll...
389
00:20:00,332 --> 00:20:03,199
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
390
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:05,461
Cut to commercial!
391
00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:08,469
- Cut to commercial!
- That was great! Wasn't that great?
392
00:20:08,674 --> 00:20:10,198
I told you that guy was great.
393
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:12,604
Good job, everybody.
394
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:15,604
Abby?
395
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,608
Found her.
396
00:20:19,818 --> 00:20:22,218
One-thousand,
one hundred and forty-three calls...
397
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:25,549
...over 300 e-mails,
53 percent of them were women.
398
00:20:25,791 --> 00:20:28,316
This guy's a lightning rod.
399
00:20:28,994 --> 00:20:29,983
They liked him?
400
00:20:30,195 --> 00:20:33,562
Liked him? They loved him.
Ninety-three percent positive.
401
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,733
- How is that possible?
- Well, I don't know.
402
00:20:35,934 --> 00:20:39,301
But I am scaling back the news
and giving it to The Ugly Truth.
403
00:20:39,504 --> 00:20:43,531
Stuart, I really think this is a mistake.
What do we even know about this guy?
404
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,905
- Who is he, really?
- Moved here when he was 10...
405
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:50,138
...pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships. Cute.
406
00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:52,817
"Most Likely to Get Slapped"
in his senior yearbook.
407
00:20:53,018 --> 00:20:56,715
Three years San José State. Salesman
of the Year at Dobson Medical in '04.
408
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,858
Once arrested for urinating out of a
moving vehicle... That is challenging.
409
00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,357
- Tell me about it.
- Never married, hates asparagus.
410
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:05,996
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face...
411
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,666
...and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
412
00:21:11,236 --> 00:21:13,227
Congratulations?
413
00:21:28,253 --> 00:21:30,949
Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
I'm having a party on Saturday...
414
00:21:31,156 --> 00:21:34,182
... and you know what happens
when I drink tequila.
415
00:21:38,263 --> 00:21:44,224
It's me, Nikki. Why haven't you
called me? I miss you.
416
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:48,395
- I can't stop thinking about your huge...
- Hey.
417
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:52,043
- Who's that?
- Rubbing all over my...
418
00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:54,738
- Dripping wet...
- How was...?
419
00:21:56,181 --> 00:21:57,341
How was school?
420
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:01,913
- Well, you totally hosed me.
- What?
421
00:22:02,120 --> 00:22:05,214
Last week on your show, you said,
"Always be mean to hot girls...
422
00:22:05,424 --> 00:22:08,621
...because they'll want you more."
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
423
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:11,091
She cried, and then I got detention.
424
00:22:11,296 --> 00:22:14,163
First of all,
don't listen to what I say on my show.
425
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:18,431
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls...
426
00:22:18,637 --> 00:22:21,299
...who think they're hot
and can get any guy they want...
427
00:22:21,506 --> 00:22:23,667
...not 14-year-old girls.
428
00:22:23,909 --> 00:22:25,308
They're going through puberty.
429
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,774
They got enough problems.
430
00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:31,278
Mom said when she was 14,
she was the prettiest girl in class.
431
00:22:31,483 --> 00:22:35,476
Well, I was there when she was 14,
and let me tell you something. She lied.
432
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:37,177
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
433
00:22:37,422 --> 00:22:41,324
He was blind from touching himself
inappropriately.
434
00:22:41,526 --> 00:22:43,289
That's a nice thing to tell your son.
435
00:22:43,495 --> 00:22:46,157
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
436
00:22:46,365 --> 00:22:49,425
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
437
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:51,465
Congrats.
438
00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,611
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't.
439
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:12,346
No, D'Artagnan, you get back here.
Get back here.
440
00:23:12,557 --> 00:23:15,185
No, do not... No, no, no.
441
00:23:17,529 --> 00:23:19,554
D'Artagnan.
442
00:23:20,499 --> 00:23:22,467
D'Artagnan.
443
00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:24,430
Shit.
444
00:23:26,471 --> 00:23:27,665
All right.
445
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:29,306
I'll just come up.
446
00:23:31,510 --> 00:23:34,877
I'm really not that flexible, D'Artagnan.
I'm coming.
447
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:36,911
I got you, hold on.
448
00:23:37,115 --> 00:23:39,174
Hold on. Come here, baby.
449
00:23:39,384 --> 00:23:41,909
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
450
00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:45,146
Good boy. Oh, good boy. Okay.
451
00:23:45,357 --> 00:23:47,382
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
452
00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:50,319
I hope we can get down.
453
00:23:57,803 --> 00:23:59,703
Oh, my.
454
00:24:04,376 --> 00:24:06,003
Oh, my.
455
00:24:06,778 --> 00:24:08,575
My, my.
456
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:14,878
He flosses.
457
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:23,185
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
458
00:24:23,395 --> 00:24:25,761
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
459
00:24:25,964 --> 00:24:27,898
I'm stuck in a tree!
460
00:24:28,099 --> 00:24:30,431
Help me! Anybody!
461
00:24:30,635 --> 00:24:33,195
- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
- Stay, stay calm.
462
00:24:33,405 --> 00:24:36,101
- You're gonna be fine.
- Get me down! Get me down!
463
00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:40,275
Sorry. Oh, my God.
464
00:24:40,812 --> 00:24:43,212
So you just moved in. That's great.
465
00:24:43,415 --> 00:24:44,609
I'm Abby, by the way.
466
00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:46,545
Your neighbor from across the way.
467
00:24:47,686 --> 00:24:50,484
- So you're a doctor?
- An orthopedic surgeon.
468
00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:54,955
Yeah, I do a lot of leg and hip stuff,
but I do get the occasional foot.
469
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,288
Your ankle seems to be fine.
Just a mild sprain, this should help.
470
00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,759
Great. Thank you.
471
00:24:59,965 --> 00:25:04,664
I guess I'm pretty lucky my cat chose
the tree outside your window to climb.
472
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:06,903
I'm here whenever you need me.
473
00:25:07,105 --> 00:25:09,972
I'm gonna put my home number
on the back of my business card.
474
00:25:10,175 --> 00:25:13,076
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems, give me a call.
475
00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:15,838
Great. Thanks.
476
00:25:18,149 --> 00:25:20,674
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
477
00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:25,653
Well, you know,
dogs are great, but I'm a cat person.
478
00:25:28,126 --> 00:25:29,491
Yeah.
479
00:25:32,330 --> 00:25:35,322
Well, I guess I'll get going, then.
480
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:37,001
Yeah.
481
00:25:37,202 --> 00:25:38,794
Yeah.
482
00:25:41,239 --> 00:25:42,638
Yeah.
483
00:25:45,977 --> 00:25:48,207
- Thanks again for saving my life.
- Anytime.
484
00:25:48,413 --> 00:25:51,348
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
485
00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:56,812
- You forgot your cat.
- Right.
486
00:25:57,022 --> 00:25:58,148
I had a spider on me.
487
00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:00,654
- Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.
488
00:26:00,859 --> 00:26:01,985
- Bye.
- Okay.
489
00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:04,286
- Thanks again.
- Good night.
490
00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:09,160
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
491
00:26:09,367 --> 00:26:11,198
- Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.
492
00:26:11,403 --> 00:26:12,392
- Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.
493
00:26:12,637 --> 00:26:14,730
How did you leave it?
He ask for your number?
494
00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:16,908
No, but he gave me his.
Should I call him?
495
00:26:17,142 --> 00:26:20,202
- If I call do call him, what should I say?
- Okay. Take a breath.
496
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:23,210
- And please, sweetheart, no tap water.
- No tap water.
497
00:26:23,415 --> 00:26:25,645
- Don't bring it up.
- You've got naughty eyes.
498
00:26:25,850 --> 00:26:28,410
- Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.
499
00:26:28,954 --> 00:26:32,355
- Hold that thought.
- No, hey, you won't get in trouble.
500
00:26:32,557 --> 00:26:34,548
Down a bit. Down a bit.
501
00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:37,519
Okay.
502
00:26:38,763 --> 00:26:40,560
Bye, Karen.
503
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,592
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
504
00:26:44,803 --> 00:26:46,794
You are on a live
affiliate news program.
505
00:26:47,005 --> 00:26:50,406
You do not have the luxury of using
"blow" and "job" in the same sentence.
506
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:53,772
If you say anything scatological,
you will be fired.
507
00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:55,173
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
508
00:26:55,380 --> 00:26:58,178
I thought that you were the one
that was gonna get fired...
509
00:26:58,383 --> 00:26:59,850
...if you don't keep me happy.
510
00:27:00,819 --> 00:27:04,585
Yes. I've got a list of demands that
I would like to make after the show...
511
00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,281
...and let me just warn you,
they're gonna be scatological.
512
00:27:13,898 --> 00:27:15,627
Just because you look pretty today...
513
00:27:15,834 --> 00:27:18,894
...I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
514
00:27:19,104 --> 00:27:21,368
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.
515
00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,700
Promise you'll talk dirty?
516
00:27:24,442 --> 00:27:26,467
Good morning, Sacramento.
I'm Larry Freeman.
517
00:27:26,711 --> 00:27:28,110
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
518
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:29,405
And I'm Mike Chadway.
519
00:27:29,614 --> 00:27:32,048
And this is The Ugly Truth.
520
00:27:32,250 --> 00:27:34,718
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day...
521
00:27:34,919 --> 00:27:39,253
...to talk about men,
women and relationships.
522
00:27:39,457 --> 00:27:41,152
Let's start with men.
523
00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:42,383
Men are simple.
524
00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:47,088
To illustrate my point, here we have
a classic romantic setting.
525
00:27:47,298 --> 00:27:51,132
We have candlelight, champagne,
and even...
526
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,930
... your own personal violinist.
527
00:27:54,139 --> 00:27:55,606
Now...
528
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:58,407
... over here,
we have something quite different.
529
00:27:58,610 --> 00:28:00,578
- This isn't on my list.
- Follow me.
530
00:28:00,779 --> 00:28:02,644
Is the segment over?
531
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,281
Where the hell's he going?
532
00:28:05,483 --> 00:28:08,577
- Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote 1.
533
00:28:08,787 --> 00:28:12,746
- Hey.
- Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
534
00:28:12,957 --> 00:28:15,983
- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?
535
00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:19,527
- People calling and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.
536
00:28:19,764 --> 00:28:21,629
- Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.
537
00:28:21,833 --> 00:28:25,633
Let's take a quick survey and see which
option the men out there would pick.
538
00:28:25,837 --> 00:28:28,101
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner...
539
00:28:28,306 --> 00:28:34,176
...or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
540
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:38,371
Oh, shit.
541
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:43,844
All right. If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
542
00:28:44,055 --> 00:28:46,888
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
543
00:28:47,092 --> 00:28:49,356
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
544
00:28:50,662 --> 00:28:52,493
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
545
00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:54,797
Just do it.
546
00:29:03,808 --> 00:29:07,300
I was wrong. It's cherry.
547
00:29:07,512 --> 00:29:11,312
Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.
548
00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:14,375
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium...
549
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,349
...and see how
Penny the Porpoise is.
550
00:29:16,554 --> 00:29:18,215
Can she clear that 10-foot pole...
551
00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:21,187
...with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.
552
00:29:21,392 --> 00:29:22,859
When we come back.
553
00:29:27,832 --> 00:29:31,427
Chemistry. I smell threesome.
554
00:29:33,972 --> 00:29:36,873
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
555
00:29:37,075 --> 00:29:38,064
You know what I mean.
556
00:29:41,579 --> 00:29:43,444
Do you realize that I once had...
557
00:29:43,648 --> 00:29:46,082
...the Archbishop Desmond Tutu
on this show?
558
00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:49,117
- Who's that?
- I can't demonstrate how far I've fallen.
559
00:29:49,354 --> 00:29:51,618
You're not smart enough
to get the references.
560
00:29:51,856 --> 00:29:54,290
Hey, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
561
00:29:54,492 --> 00:29:56,119
You told me to lick the Jell-O.
562
00:29:56,361 --> 00:29:58,693
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
563
00:29:58,897 --> 00:30:01,923
It was cheap titillation.
I am now going to broadcasting hell...
564
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:04,863
...right behind
the naked weathergirl from Canada.
565
00:30:06,171 --> 00:30:07,866
Seriously?
566
00:30:08,072 --> 00:30:10,131
There's a naked weathergirl?
567
00:30:10,375 --> 00:30:11,467
Hey, can we get her?
568
00:30:12,443 --> 00:30:14,434
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
569
00:30:14,979 --> 00:30:18,881
Think of my son. My son, who had
a dream of being a cosmetician.
570
00:30:19,083 --> 00:30:21,574
Think about him. Think about Joy.
571
00:30:21,786 --> 00:30:23,219
Just do it for me.
572
00:30:23,421 --> 00:30:27,721
Today it'll be partly sunny with a cloud
cover moving in from my left breast.
573
00:30:27,926 --> 00:30:32,625
Low pressure systems are moving up,
so expect a cold front.
574
00:30:36,434 --> 00:30:39,426
Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A. M...
575
00:30:39,637 --> 00:30:42,162
... giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day...
576
00:30:42,407 --> 00:30:45,433
- ... at 9:00, right here on Channel 2.
- Oh, God.
577
00:30:50,915 --> 00:30:54,180
I used to like caviar, until I found out
it was made out of fish eggs.
578
00:30:54,419 --> 00:30:56,114
- You know that?
- Caviar's revolting.
579
00:30:56,321 --> 00:30:58,312
- I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.
580
00:30:58,523 --> 00:31:00,491
- John.
- Yesterday's ratings.
581
00:31:00,692 --> 00:31:02,421
Thanks, John.
582
00:31:05,830 --> 00:31:07,798
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
583
00:31:07,999 --> 00:31:11,332
Yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.
584
00:31:11,536 --> 00:31:13,504
I feel dirty.
585
00:31:14,072 --> 00:31:17,633
- Did you hear about the ratings?
- Yes, I am the producer.
586
00:31:17,842 --> 00:31:20,140
Then did you hear
corporate's coming next week...
587
00:31:20,345 --> 00:31:21,642
...to take me out to dinner?
588
00:31:21,846 --> 00:31:25,179
Well, let's hope you can chew
with your mouth closed.
589
00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,010
Why do you hate my guts?
590
00:31:27,218 --> 00:31:30,346
Your innards are of no consequence
to me. It's what you represent.
591
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:32,147
Oh, you hate the truth.
592
00:31:32,357 --> 00:31:35,690
Your skewed perception of male-female
interaction is not the truth.
593
00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:38,886
But your imaginary boyfriend's
the truth?
594
00:31:39,097 --> 00:31:42,032
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
595
00:31:42,233 --> 00:31:45,532
Well, I hope he's real this time,
because otherwise this is just sad.
596
00:31:45,737 --> 00:31:47,967
Oh, he's real. He's very real.
597
00:31:48,172 --> 00:31:51,869
Not to mention stunningly handsome,
morally sound. He's a surgeon.
598
00:31:52,076 --> 00:31:53,907
An orthopedic surgeon.
599
00:31:54,112 --> 00:31:55,670
- You know what that means.
- What?
600
00:31:56,481 --> 00:31:59,348
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt in medical school.
601
00:31:59,550 --> 00:32:01,484
You disgust me.
602
00:32:04,622 --> 00:32:09,321
- So did Butt Boy ask you out?
- Not yet.
603
00:32:09,527 --> 00:32:12,325
We're taking things slow,
getting to know each other first.
604
00:32:12,530 --> 00:32:14,157
Why am I talking to you about this?
605
00:32:14,365 --> 00:32:16,833
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
606
00:32:23,875 --> 00:32:25,604
What are you doing?
607
00:32:29,113 --> 00:32:30,410
Doctor's office.
608
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,243
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
609
00:32:33,451 --> 00:32:34,850
- Please hold.
- Yes, I'll hold.
610
00:32:35,053 --> 00:32:37,521
What are you doing?
Why are you calling this guy? No.
611
00:32:37,722 --> 00:32:41,214
- Dr. Anderson.
- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
612
00:32:41,426 --> 00:32:43,724
Your neighbor from last night.
613
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,226
Hey. Everything okay?
614
00:32:47,432 --> 00:32:50,196
How's the ankle treating you?
615
00:32:50,401 --> 00:32:52,392
Couldn't be better.
616
00:32:52,603 --> 00:32:56,801
I was just calling to let you know how
much I enjoyed meeting you last night.
617
00:32:58,409 --> 00:33:00,104
Thanks.
618
00:33:01,913 --> 00:33:05,212
And I was thinking we should
go out for dinner sometime.
619
00:33:05,416 --> 00:33:07,976
There is a new
French bistro in town...
620
00:33:08,186 --> 00:33:11,451
...and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
621
00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:14,591
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
622
00:33:15,626 --> 00:33:17,958
Friday...
623
00:33:18,162 --> 00:33:20,926
- Would Saturday be better?
- Actually...
624
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:24,966
...Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
625
00:33:27,372 --> 00:33:30,068
- What are you doing?
- Saving you. He was blowing you off.
626
00:33:30,274 --> 00:33:31,673
He wasn't blowing me off!
627
00:33:31,876 --> 00:33:34,777
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
628
00:33:34,979 --> 00:33:36,913
And when you don't, he'll call back.
629
00:33:37,115 --> 00:33:39,640
- How do you know?
- Because I know how men operate.
630
00:33:39,851 --> 00:33:43,150
If you want it to work out with this guy,
then you'll listen to me...
631
00:33:43,354 --> 00:33:46,619
...and you'll do exactly as I say.
You've done irreparable damage...
632
00:33:46,824 --> 00:33:49,452
...with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
633
00:33:49,660 --> 00:33:50,854
It might even be too late.
634
00:33:51,095 --> 00:33:54,360
And if you do salvage the situation,
you'll never be more than Abby...
635
00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:58,000
...his desperate neighbor.
- I'm not desperate.
636
00:33:58,669 --> 00:34:00,466
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
637
00:34:01,005 --> 00:34:05,601
Listen to you. Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.
638
00:34:08,146 --> 00:34:09,443
Okay.
639
00:34:09,647 --> 00:34:13,777
Although you won't admit it, you know
that I know what I'm talking about.
640
00:34:13,985 --> 00:34:15,384
It's your call, dude.
641
00:34:17,488 --> 00:34:20,321
- Fine. What do I do?
- Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug."
642
00:34:20,525 --> 00:34:22,891
- Why would I...?
- Just do it.
643
00:34:23,661 --> 00:34:24,650
Hey, Doug.
644
00:34:25,696 --> 00:34:27,391
No. This is Colin.
645
00:34:27,632 --> 00:34:31,363
- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- That's perfect.
646
00:34:32,036 --> 00:34:33,867
Who's Doug?
647
00:34:34,672 --> 00:34:36,731
- Who's Doug?
- He's just a guy I'm seeing.
648
00:34:36,941 --> 00:34:37,999
It's nothing serious.
649
00:34:38,209 --> 00:34:41,406
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
650
00:34:42,780 --> 00:34:44,714
Oh, okay.
651
00:34:44,916 --> 00:34:46,679
- Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.
652
00:34:46,884 --> 00:34:48,408
Sure.
653
00:34:49,720 --> 00:34:51,745
- Now what?
- Now just make him wait.
654
00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:55,357
If he's still holding on after 30 more
seconds, you may have a chance.
655
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,393
No one's gonna wait
for somebody they're trying to blow off.
656
00:34:58,596 --> 00:35:00,291
- You better be right.
- Give me time...
657
00:35:00,498 --> 00:35:03,331
...I'm gonna make this guy your bitch.
- I don't want a bitch.
658
00:35:03,534 --> 00:35:04,899
Colin would never be a bitch.
659
00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:06,400
He is a well-rounded man...
660
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:10,096
...capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.
661
00:35:10,308 --> 00:35:13,243
- Things which you know not of.
- Maybe not.
662
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,072
But I do know about lust,
seduction and manipulation.
663
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,747
Things that you know not of.
664
00:35:19,450 --> 00:35:21,441
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
665
00:35:21,686 --> 00:35:24,211
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy...
666
00:35:24,422 --> 00:35:26,890
...then you'll quit giving me shit
and work with me.
667
00:35:27,091 --> 00:35:30,720
You know as well as I do
that we could make this show huge.
668
00:35:30,928 --> 00:35:32,953
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?
669
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:37,097
Then I'll quit.
670
00:35:37,301 --> 00:35:38,893
You're really that confident?
671
00:35:45,443 --> 00:35:46,967
It's been more than 30 seconds.
672
00:35:54,085 --> 00:35:55,712
All right, deal. Now what?
673
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:57,979
Always make an impression.
674
00:35:58,222 --> 00:36:00,053
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
675
00:36:00,258 --> 00:36:03,659
- But what about the...?
- In five seconds, he'll call. Come on.
676
00:36:03,861 --> 00:36:06,557
What are you, Nostradamus?
677
00:36:07,765 --> 00:36:09,596
Amazing.
678
00:36:10,835 --> 00:36:13,998
Rule number one: never criticize.
679
00:36:14,238 --> 00:36:16,069
- Even if it's constructive?
- Never.
680
00:36:16,274 --> 00:36:19,266
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
681
00:36:19,477 --> 00:36:22,571
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
682
00:36:24,248 --> 00:36:27,115
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
683
00:36:27,318 --> 00:36:29,843
- What if what he says isn't funny?
- That's irrelevant.
684
00:36:30,054 --> 00:36:32,921
- A fake laugh is like a fake orgasm.
- A fake orgasm is good?
685
00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:36,093
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
686
00:36:36,294 --> 00:36:38,854
- A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
- Only to you.
687
00:36:39,063 --> 00:36:42,931
You're not the only person in the room,
you know. Let's not be selfish.
688
00:36:43,701 --> 00:36:44,793
Now, that was perfect.
689
00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:48,331
- Real or fake?
- You'll never know.
690
00:36:51,976 --> 00:36:55,207
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
691
00:36:55,413 --> 00:36:58,177
- We have to change your look.
- What's wrong with my look?
692
00:36:58,382 --> 00:37:02,876
Abby, you're a very attractive woman,
but you are completely inaccessible.
693
00:37:03,087 --> 00:37:04,952
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.
694
00:37:05,156 --> 00:37:06,646
What's wrong with comfort?
695
00:37:06,857 --> 00:37:09,792
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
696
00:37:10,795 --> 00:37:13,025
- Hello. May I be of assistance?
- Yes, you may.
697
00:37:13,231 --> 00:37:14,698
We need cocktail dresses...
698
00:37:14,899 --> 00:37:18,460
...tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts...
699
00:37:18,669 --> 00:37:21,661
...sit up and say hello.
- They're not saying hello now?
700
00:37:21,872 --> 00:37:25,399
- What are they saying?
- They're giving more of a passing nod...
701
00:37:25,610 --> 00:37:28,078
...rather than an outright greeting.
702
00:37:28,312 --> 00:37:30,405
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
703
00:37:30,615 --> 00:37:34,881
- I think this would be wonderful.
- Now, that is a bra.
704
00:37:35,086 --> 00:37:39,022
Boobies in this thing say,
"Put me in your mouth, I taste good."
705
00:37:39,223 --> 00:37:42,283
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
706
00:37:44,595 --> 00:37:45,994
Length is very important.
707
00:37:46,197 --> 00:37:51,863
We need short enough to see some
thigh, but not so short to see vag.
708
00:37:52,069 --> 00:37:55,038
- Vag says you're trying too hard.
- You think?
709
00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:57,537
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.
710
00:37:57,742 --> 00:37:59,733
You've... Well, you've got
the raw materials.
711
00:37:59,944 --> 00:38:02,003
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
712
00:38:02,213 --> 00:38:05,512
- Did you just tell me I have a nice ass?
- Do you have to be so crass?
713
00:38:05,716 --> 00:38:06,705
Jesus.
714
00:38:06,917 --> 00:38:09,579
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems...
715
00:38:09,787 --> 00:38:11,778
...because men don't
really listen or care.
716
00:38:11,989 --> 00:38:15,117
- Some men care.
- No, some men pretend to care.
717
00:38:15,359 --> 00:38:17,793
When we ask you how you're doing,
it's guy code for:
718
00:38:17,995 --> 00:38:19,792
"Let me stick my dick in your ass."
719
00:38:19,997 --> 00:38:23,455
Oh, I know you think Colin is
above it all, but trust me, he's a guy.
720
00:38:23,668 --> 00:38:25,260
If he's even remotely into you...
721
00:38:25,469 --> 00:38:28,734
...he's probably thought about
your orifices at least 10 times.
722
00:38:28,939 --> 00:38:31,533
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.
723
00:38:31,742 --> 00:38:34,734
Oh, I don't assume. I know.
724
00:38:35,246 --> 00:38:37,874
Wait. We need to make
one more stop.
725
00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:41,051
- Why? I have tons of stuff.
- We have to make your hair longer.
726
00:38:41,252 --> 00:38:43,720
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.
727
00:38:43,921 --> 00:38:45,786
My hair is fine.
There's nothing wrong.
728
00:38:45,990 --> 00:38:49,983
Abby, a ponytail implies that you are
either operating heavy machinery...
729
00:38:50,194 --> 00:38:51,627
...or emptying the litter box.
730
00:38:51,829 --> 00:38:53,922
Neither of those things
inspires an erection.
731
00:38:54,131 --> 00:38:57,498
Why is it my responsibility to inspire
an erection? Isn't that his job?
732
00:38:57,702 --> 00:38:58,726
Shut up.
733
00:39:18,489 --> 00:39:21,890
Well? What do you think?
734
00:39:22,793 --> 00:39:25,421
- Not bad.
- I just...
735
00:39:25,629 --> 00:39:27,927
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean...
736
00:39:28,132 --> 00:39:29,759
And I don't want you to be a bimbo.
737
00:39:29,967 --> 00:39:32,868
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.
738
00:39:33,070 --> 00:39:36,005
The librarian and the stripper.
739
00:39:36,674 --> 00:39:40,508
On the one hand, you have to push
the guy away with a cold indifference...
740
00:39:40,711 --> 00:39:44,977
...on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.
741
00:39:46,150 --> 00:39:48,880
- Now, we have to teach you flirting.
- I know how to flirt.
742
00:39:49,086 --> 00:39:50,348
You know how to flirt?
743
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:53,352
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.
744
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:57,357
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics."
745
00:39:57,561 --> 00:39:58,789
I don't think so.
746
00:39:58,996 --> 00:40:00,691
Hey, babe,
you wearing any underwear?
747
00:40:00,898 --> 00:40:03,731
You know what? I wouldn't say that,
and I wouldn't grab ass.
748
00:40:03,968 --> 00:40:05,799
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?
749
00:40:06,003 --> 00:40:08,471
I mean, what's it there for
if for not me to grab it?
750
00:40:08,672 --> 00:40:11,140
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.
751
00:40:11,342 --> 00:40:15,574
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.
752
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,975
Maybe I'm just a really good student.
753
00:40:20,384 --> 00:40:22,318
- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
754
00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:27,919
Running your finger down there.
Over me.
755
00:40:28,125 --> 00:40:29,649
Why? Is it turning you on?
756
00:40:31,796 --> 00:40:33,354
Maybe.
757
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,060
It's weird, I think I kind of like it.
758
00:40:37,368 --> 00:40:38,858
Really?
759
00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,097
- Sucker.
- Oh, I knew it.
760
00:40:41,305 --> 00:40:44,365
Okay, no teaching the teacher.
Come on.
761
00:40:44,575 --> 00:40:46,338
- Who is it?
- It's Colin.
762
00:40:46,544 --> 00:40:48,205
I'm not ready for this. Am I ready?
763
00:40:48,412 --> 00:40:50,346
- I'm not ready for this.
- Calm down.
764
00:40:51,148 --> 00:40:53,582
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.
765
00:40:53,784 --> 00:40:56,719
- Under a minute? Under a minute.
- Yes.
766
00:40:56,921 --> 00:40:59,947
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
767
00:41:00,157 --> 00:41:02,421
You're such an asshole.
768
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,187
- Hi.
- Hey.
769
00:41:06,397 --> 00:41:08,957
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh, thanks.
770
00:41:09,166 --> 00:41:11,396
Yeah, I was just doing the dishes.
771
00:41:11,602 --> 00:41:13,797
- What happened to you today?
- What do you mean?
772
00:41:14,038 --> 00:41:15,903
You put me on hold
and never called back.
773
00:41:16,106 --> 00:41:18,734
- Oh, my God. Was that you?
- Yeah.
774
00:41:18,943 --> 00:41:21,036
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
775
00:41:22,313 --> 00:41:24,941
Would you mind actually
giving me a call a little later?
776
00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:27,049
I'm busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.
777
00:41:27,251 --> 00:41:29,412
- Abby, wait.
- What now?
778
00:41:31,088 --> 00:41:33,579
No, that's good.
Now make him suffer.
779
00:41:33,791 --> 00:41:35,088
Make him suffer. Suffer.
780
00:41:35,292 --> 00:41:37,317
Abby, I was wondering
if you'd like to go...
781
00:41:37,561 --> 00:41:39,529
...to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.
782
00:41:46,637 --> 00:41:48,571
Go, Comets.
783
00:41:49,940 --> 00:41:51,134
He delivers it.
784
00:41:56,947 --> 00:42:00,815
Okay, I have a visual.
Nod if you can hear me.
785
00:42:01,886 --> 00:42:04,582
Just relax. It's gonna be fine.
786
00:42:05,122 --> 00:42:09,582
Now, do exactly what I tell you,
and when I tell you to do it. Okay?
787
00:42:10,628 --> 00:42:14,860
- You follow baseball?
- Do something noncommittal.
788
00:42:17,701 --> 00:42:18,690
You okay?
789
00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:20,359
I'm fine.
790
00:42:20,604 --> 00:42:22,697
That was a little over the top,
but nice try.
791
00:42:22,907 --> 00:42:25,842
- Well, thanks.
- For what?
792
00:42:26,644 --> 00:42:30,273
Well, thanks for being you.
793
00:42:31,348 --> 00:42:32,838
You're welcome.
794
00:42:42,393 --> 00:42:43,451
Excuse me.
795
00:42:45,029 --> 00:42:47,793
Oh, my God. You're Mike Chadway.
796
00:42:47,998 --> 00:42:49,192
I love you.
797
00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:51,698
- Hey, buddy, what the hell?
- Dude, what the fuck?
798
00:42:51,902 --> 00:42:53,529
- Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
799
00:42:53,737 --> 00:42:55,500
No, no, no. I'm not talking to you.
800
00:42:55,706 --> 00:42:58,504
- I'm not talking to you.
- Okay, did I do something wrong?
801
00:43:00,678 --> 00:43:05,047
No, stop. Listen. Tell him you saw him
looking at another girl.
802
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:08,548
I saw you...
I saw you looking at another girl.
803
00:43:09,219 --> 00:43:11,551
- Who?
- That girl, right there.
804
00:43:11,755 --> 00:43:14,087
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.
805
00:43:14,291 --> 00:43:17,021
- Two. Thank you.
- Okay.
806
00:43:17,928 --> 00:43:20,988
Okay, we need a quick recovery.
807
00:43:21,899 --> 00:43:27,838
Make sure you put the hot dog
in your mouth nice and slowly.
808
00:43:29,473 --> 00:43:33,432
Men like watching penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.
809
00:43:36,313 --> 00:43:37,405
I'm so sorry.
810
00:43:37,615 --> 00:43:39,708
- Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
- No, it's okay.
811
00:43:39,917 --> 00:43:42,078
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.
812
00:43:42,286 --> 00:43:44,379
- What fabric is this?
- I don't know. Cotton?
813
00:43:44,588 --> 00:43:48,285
Cotton. Cotton's the worst.
Well, actually, leather's the worst.
814
00:43:48,492 --> 00:43:50,084
- After that would be suede.
- Okay.
815
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:51,955
- I think I can get it out.
- Abby.
816
00:43:52,196 --> 00:43:53,754
Oh, look, hold on. It's coming!
817
00:44:03,841 --> 00:44:05,741
- Where?
- There. Right there.
818
00:44:05,943 --> 00:44:08,639
Abby?
Abby, you might want to look up.
819
00:44:14,118 --> 00:44:16,109
Way to go, Abby.
820
00:44:19,623 --> 00:44:21,750
Okay, I got you. I'm in position.
821
00:44:21,959 --> 00:44:24,484
- Can't say today was boring.
- You're being nice.
822
00:44:24,728 --> 00:44:26,958
- I embarrassed you.
- No.
823
00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,496
You're just not what I'm used to.
824
00:44:30,100 --> 00:44:32,796
- I know.
- No, actually, it's a good thing.
825
00:44:33,003 --> 00:44:35,563
I'm used to women
I can figure out in five seconds.
826
00:44:35,773 --> 00:44:37,604
But I can't do that with you.
827
00:44:38,275 --> 00:44:41,506
He's an idiot.
I figured you out in two.
828
00:44:41,745 --> 00:44:44,179
Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.
829
00:44:44,381 --> 00:44:48,249
- We're gonna give this one last shot.
- Well, good night then.
830
00:44:59,763 --> 00:45:01,788
That definitely made up
for my wet crotch.
831
00:45:01,999 --> 00:45:05,298
Me too. No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.
832
00:45:05,502 --> 00:45:06,867
Yeah.
833
00:45:07,471 --> 00:45:08,665
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
834
00:45:08,872 --> 00:45:09,861
- Okay.
- Bye.
835
00:45:10,074 --> 00:45:11,473
Bye.
836
00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:16,441
- Night.
- Night.
837
00:45:25,656 --> 00:45:27,783
You did it! You did it! You did it!
838
00:45:27,991 --> 00:45:29,322
- I didn't do anything.
- You did!
839
00:45:29,526 --> 00:45:30,515
- It was you.
- No.
840
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,526
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.
841
00:45:33,731 --> 00:45:36,632
- He's such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he's dreamy.
842
00:45:36,834 --> 00:45:39,564
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.
843
00:45:39,803 --> 00:45:41,634
Though weren't items
one through nine...
844
00:45:41,839 --> 00:45:44,535
...something to do with him
pretty much being gay?
845
00:45:45,075 --> 00:45:48,306
I'm gonna ignore that,
because I am in such a good mood.
846
00:45:48,512 --> 00:45:52,039
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
847
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:05,392
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys...
848
00:46:05,596 --> 00:46:07,757
...are the closest relatives
to human beings...
849
00:46:07,965 --> 00:46:10,024
...both genetically and socially.
850
00:46:10,234 --> 00:46:12,600
Especially when it comes to sex.
851
00:46:12,836 --> 00:46:14,827
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.
852
00:46:15,038 --> 00:46:17,233
One of my favorite
techniques as well.
853
00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:19,739
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source...
854
00:46:19,943 --> 00:46:22,571
...they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension...
855
00:46:22,780 --> 00:46:24,941
- Small person on-set.
- Thanks.
856
00:46:25,149 --> 00:46:27,413
- which is something
we humans should look into.
857
00:46:27,618 --> 00:46:29,848
No, no, no. This is not for children.
858
00:46:30,053 --> 00:46:31,782
It's okay. I know him.
859
00:46:31,989 --> 00:46:33,013
- You do?
- Yeah.
860
00:46:33,223 --> 00:46:35,714
- sit on their asses all day
and boss their men around.
861
00:46:36,426 --> 00:46:39,759
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.
862
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,295
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
863
00:46:42,499 --> 00:46:44,023
And we're wrapped.
864
00:46:44,735 --> 00:46:47,829
- Great job, Mike.
- Thank you. See you guys later.
865
00:46:48,405 --> 00:46:52,034
Yeah, I've got an adult male
bonobo monkey in my pants.
866
00:46:52,242 --> 00:46:53,766
I'd like to see that.
867
00:46:54,978 --> 00:46:56,468
Hey. What are you doing here?
868
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:00,138
I told you no watching the show,
especially live.
869
00:47:00,384 --> 00:47:02,147
I need some emergency advice.
870
00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:04,650
Tracy McIvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
871
00:47:04,888 --> 00:47:06,719
Is it dorky if I say yes?
872
00:47:07,257 --> 00:47:08,315
Dorky?
873
00:47:08,525 --> 00:47:10,925
Hell, no. Are you kidding?
874
00:47:11,128 --> 00:47:14,291
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.
875
00:47:14,498 --> 00:47:16,898
You know how cool that is?
876
00:47:17,100 --> 00:47:19,398
Relish this moment, okay?
877
00:47:19,603 --> 00:47:21,833
Now get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.
878
00:47:22,039 --> 00:47:23,131
- Okay.
- We'll celebrate.
879
00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:27,504
- Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
- Hey, have I ever?
880
00:47:28,111 --> 00:47:29,669
He lives with you?
881
00:47:29,913 --> 00:47:33,610
Well, next door, with my sister.
882
00:47:33,817 --> 00:47:35,751
He's my nephew.
883
00:47:36,053 --> 00:47:37,520
- Cute kid.
- Yeah.
884
00:47:37,721 --> 00:47:40,986
Here, do me.
885
00:47:41,825 --> 00:47:43,315
- Okay. So guess what.
- What?
886
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:46,496
Colin called,
he wants to get together again.
887
00:47:48,198 --> 00:47:49,324
Oh, Lord.
888
00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:53,526
So how long should I wait
to have sex with him?
889
00:47:53,737 --> 00:47:55,671
Well, the more you
make him beg for it...
890
00:47:55,873 --> 00:47:58,000
...the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.
891
00:47:58,208 --> 00:48:00,938
So do everything else but.
892
00:48:01,144 --> 00:48:04,636
But then show him...
893
00:48:04,848 --> 00:48:08,011
...that beneath
that control-freak exterior of yours...
894
00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:11,551
...that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.
895
00:48:11,755 --> 00:48:15,054
No. No, I'm not a sexual deviant.
896
00:48:15,259 --> 00:48:16,487
Good point.
897
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:19,457
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for what, a year?
898
00:48:19,663 --> 00:48:21,028
No.
899
00:48:21,965 --> 00:48:23,830
- Eleven months.
- God.
900
00:48:24,034 --> 00:48:27,561
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.
901
00:48:28,338 --> 00:48:30,636
So how often do you?
902
00:48:30,841 --> 00:48:32,433
Do I what?
903
00:48:32,976 --> 00:48:35,206
- Do I what?
- You know...
904
00:48:36,246 --> 00:48:38,737
...flick the bean?
- What bean?
905
00:48:38,982 --> 00:48:41,041
Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
906
00:48:41,251 --> 00:48:43,845
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?
907
00:48:44,054 --> 00:48:46,181
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating...
908
00:48:46,390 --> 00:48:50,554
...but I thought that might offend
your delicate ladylike sensibilities.
909
00:48:51,361 --> 00:48:53,659
- So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.
910
00:48:53,864 --> 00:48:55,058
How often do you flick it?
911
00:48:55,265 --> 00:48:58,496
You're only asking me that
so you can picture me flicking mine...
912
00:48:58,702 --> 00:49:00,101
...while you flick yours.
- No.
913
00:49:00,304 --> 00:49:03,569
I would never picture you while I do
that, which is not something I do.
914
00:49:03,774 --> 00:49:05,742
- I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.
915
00:49:05,943 --> 00:49:07,410
- No. No. No.
- Never?
916
00:49:07,611 --> 00:49:09,909
I find it impersonal.
917
00:49:10,113 --> 00:49:13,082
Abby, what could be more personal
than you flicking your bean?
918
00:49:13,283 --> 00:49:16,377
- I just don't see myself that way, okay?
- Okay, well, I do.
919
00:49:16,586 --> 00:49:17,883
Come here.
920
00:49:18,922 --> 00:49:20,913
Well, you better start.
921
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:25,185
Because if you don't wanna have sex
with you, why the hell would Colin?
922
00:49:40,644 --> 00:49:42,373
What is this?
923
00:49:42,579 --> 00:49:44,547
What is this, baby?
924
00:49:45,782 --> 00:49:48,307
What? What, baby?
925
00:49:52,589 --> 00:49:56,548
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
926
00:49:58,328 --> 00:49:59,886
"Astrea 1."
927
00:50:03,433 --> 00:50:05,663
"Vibrating brief."
928
00:50:23,787 --> 00:50:25,277
Great.
929
00:51:07,197 --> 00:51:09,324
He said he was running late.
930
00:51:09,766 --> 00:51:12,291
What is he doing here already?
931
00:51:23,046 --> 00:51:25,378
- Good, you're ready.
- For what?
932
00:51:25,582 --> 00:51:26,810
The dinner with corporate.
933
00:51:27,017 --> 00:51:28,484
- Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.
934
00:51:28,685 --> 00:51:30,915
And I can't. I have a date with Colin.
935
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:33,252
You can't go
because you have a date?
936
00:51:33,457 --> 00:51:36,017
You have no idea
how hard those are for her to get.
937
00:51:38,862 --> 00:51:40,693
Well, then let's pick him up
on the way.
938
00:51:40,897 --> 00:51:44,731
- Come on, let's go. Right now.
- Come on. Come on, let's go.
939
00:51:46,203 --> 00:51:48,103
Sorry to hijack your date, brother.
940
00:51:48,305 --> 00:51:50,535
No worries.
You're a producer as well?
941
00:51:50,740 --> 00:51:53,004
No, dude, I'm the talent.
942
00:51:53,210 --> 00:51:55,041
So you're an anchor, then?
943
00:51:55,245 --> 00:51:57,679
No, I do The Ugly Truth.
944
00:51:57,881 --> 00:52:00,748
- Hasn't he ever seen our show?
- Come on, Stuart.
945
00:52:00,951 --> 00:52:03,943
Our show's
way too low-brow for Colin.
946
00:52:04,187 --> 00:52:07,850
- He's a doctor.
- Yes, that's right, he is.
947
00:52:08,058 --> 00:52:11,391
He doesn't wanna hear about things
like implants and oral sex.
948
00:52:11,595 --> 00:52:14,587
- You talk about oral sex?
- Oh, look, we're here.
949
00:52:17,200 --> 00:52:20,966
- You invited the Jell-O twins?
- Yeah. I thought it was good thinking.
950
00:52:21,204 --> 00:52:22,728
Well, it certainly can't hurt.
951
00:52:22,939 --> 00:52:26,204
Ladies, you look quite fetching.
952
00:52:29,846 --> 00:52:31,814
- Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
- Hey.
953
00:52:32,015 --> 00:52:34,643
- Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
- Hi. And this is...
954
00:52:34,851 --> 00:52:38,309
- And we all know Mike Chadway.
- And who are these lovely ladies?
955
00:52:38,522 --> 00:52:41,548
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
956
00:52:41,758 --> 00:52:43,692
That's right.
957
00:52:44,094 --> 00:52:46,289
- Our table's waiting. Shall we?
- Come this way.
958
00:52:46,496 --> 00:52:50,990
- Mike, you're doing a hell of a job.
- Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
959
00:52:52,502 --> 00:52:54,333
- That's a good one, huh?
- That is funny.
960
00:52:54,538 --> 00:52:56,199
Thank you.
961
00:53:00,844 --> 00:53:03,608
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
962
00:53:09,152 --> 00:53:12,485
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
963
00:53:15,325 --> 00:53:16,656
Yeah.
964
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:19,855
Yeah. Right.
965
00:53:20,063 --> 00:53:24,159
No, really, we are very excited
about this year's rating increases.
966
00:53:24,367 --> 00:53:27,359
And we're hoping
that in the next quarter, we can...
967
00:53:27,571 --> 00:53:29,004
- Oh, God.
- What's wrong?
968
00:53:29,206 --> 00:53:30,673
Nothing. Nothing.
969
00:53:33,810 --> 00:53:36,176
Could you excuse me?
970
00:53:36,713 --> 00:53:39,841
- Shit.
- Sorry, she's...
971
00:53:43,186 --> 00:53:46,644
- What are you doing?
- I'm looking for the remote.
972
00:53:46,856 --> 00:53:49,017
- What remote?
- For the...
973
00:53:51,228 --> 00:53:53,389
The underwear.
974
00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:58,531
What? You're wearing them now?
975
00:54:00,370 --> 00:54:01,769
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
976
00:54:04,808 --> 00:54:06,332
Yeah.
977
00:54:07,744 --> 00:54:12,374
This ceviche, it's so good.
978
00:54:13,183 --> 00:54:16,550
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted.
979
00:54:16,886 --> 00:54:18,911
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.
980
00:54:19,122 --> 00:54:20,316
Abby, hold on.
981
00:54:20,857 --> 00:54:23,382
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign...
982
00:54:23,593 --> 00:54:26,391
...we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
983
00:54:26,596 --> 00:54:29,030
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
984
00:54:33,336 --> 00:54:37,602
Well, they're 15 seconds...
985
00:54:38,141 --> 00:54:41,338
...every hour, on the hour.
986
00:54:41,945 --> 00:54:43,810
Yep. Yep, yep.
987
00:54:45,849 --> 00:54:47,942
They're so...
988
00:54:48,151 --> 00:54:50,346
So...
989
00:54:50,553 --> 00:54:53,716
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
990
00:54:53,923 --> 00:54:55,049
Yes, you tell them.
991
00:54:55,592 --> 00:55:00,120
Actually, I was really enjoying the way
you were telling them. It was great.
992
00:55:01,898 --> 00:55:04,196
You were... You were telling them.
993
00:55:05,135 --> 00:55:06,602
What's in ceviche?
994
00:55:10,073 --> 00:55:11,597
They're...
995
00:55:11,808 --> 00:55:14,641
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
996
00:55:14,878 --> 00:55:15,970
Amazing.
997
00:55:16,179 --> 00:55:17,703
And they're of...
998
00:55:18,515 --> 00:55:20,312
Of Mike telling an ugly truth...
999
00:55:20,517 --> 00:55:21,779
...and they are just so...
1000
00:55:22,952 --> 00:55:24,749
So cutting-edge.
1001
00:55:24,954 --> 00:55:28,117
So... So fantastic. So fantastic!
1002
00:55:28,325 --> 00:55:30,316
Oh, God! Oh, it's so, so great!
1003
00:55:30,527 --> 00:55:34,258
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.
1004
00:55:36,833 --> 00:55:39,597
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?
1005
00:55:43,139 --> 00:55:48,771
I'm gonna use the restroom,
if you'll excuse me.
1006
00:55:51,815 --> 00:55:54,579
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
1007
00:55:55,852 --> 00:55:57,820
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
1008
00:55:58,021 --> 00:56:01,184
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
1009
00:56:01,424 --> 00:56:04,484
- I figured I should let you finish.
- How kind.
1010
00:56:05,161 --> 00:56:08,358
So thanks for coming tonight.
To dinner.
1011
00:56:08,565 --> 00:56:10,658
That kind of coming.
1012
00:56:14,037 --> 00:56:17,495
He likes you, by the way. Colin.
1013
00:56:18,141 --> 00:56:20,507
- I can tell.
- Really?
1014
00:56:20,710 --> 00:56:22,678
- We ready to go?
- Yeah.
1015
00:56:22,879 --> 00:56:24,847
- I know Abby is.
- Great.
1016
00:56:25,048 --> 00:56:26,606
Let's go.
1017
00:56:26,816 --> 00:56:29,307
- Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.
1018
00:56:36,226 --> 00:56:39,161
- Well, that went well, I think.
- Sure did.
1019
00:56:39,362 --> 00:56:40,522
- Yeah.
- Let's get a drink.
1020
00:56:40,730 --> 00:56:42,163
Bob and Harold...
1021
00:58:20,663 --> 00:58:25,396
- Oh, my God. For me?
- Oh, my God, he sent you flowers!
1022
00:58:46,155 --> 00:58:48,623
Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.
1023
00:58:48,825 --> 00:58:52,192
Okay, bye. All right, so we have
the balloon festival coming up...
1024
00:58:52,395 --> 00:58:54,955
...and for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment...
1025
00:58:55,164 --> 00:58:56,791
...on how men are full of hot air.
1026
00:58:57,400 --> 00:59:00,028
- Right? It's good, right?
- No.
1027
00:59:00,236 --> 00:59:01,999
We should do some stuff
on location...
1028
00:59:02,205 --> 00:59:05,038
...because you're great
when you're interacting with people.
1029
00:59:05,241 --> 00:59:07,766
I'm sorry, did you just say I'm great?
1030
00:59:09,479 --> 00:59:11,947
Yeah, you kind of are.
1031
00:59:13,650 --> 00:59:15,618
Back at you, babe.
1032
00:59:17,554 --> 00:59:19,351
So tell me this.
1033
00:59:19,556 --> 00:59:23,151
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?
1034
00:59:23,359 --> 00:59:26,351
Oh, I much prefer Sacramento
to New York.
1035
00:59:27,430 --> 00:59:30,888
Come on. You just like
being a big fish in a little pond.
1036
00:59:31,134 --> 00:59:33,864
No. No.
1037
00:59:34,070 --> 00:59:39,406
And Sacramento isn't really a pond,
it's more of a lake, or even an estuary.
1038
00:59:40,009 --> 00:59:42,534
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
1039
00:59:42,745 --> 00:59:44,042
Really good school system.
1040
00:59:44,247 --> 00:59:46,977
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
1041
00:59:47,183 --> 00:59:50,846
And there's a much lower divorce rate
here than there is in New York.
1042
00:59:58,227 --> 00:59:59,751
Yes, well...
1043
00:59:59,963 --> 01:00:03,262
Thank God Colin would never be into
a woman like that.
1044
01:00:03,466 --> 01:00:06,902
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only likes
women of quality, huh?
1045
01:00:07,103 --> 01:00:09,594
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.
1046
01:00:09,806 --> 01:00:13,333
Man-whore?
Why am I a man-whore?
1047
01:00:13,543 --> 01:00:15,943
I've seen you with the Funbag Twins,
remember?
1048
01:00:16,179 --> 01:00:17,237
Saw me what?
1049
01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:20,610
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
1050
01:00:20,817 --> 01:00:24,719
They wanna be actresses, baby.
I mean, who am I to kill their dream?
1051
01:00:26,289 --> 01:00:29,554
Such a generous man. You're telling
me you've never slept with them?
1052
01:00:29,759 --> 01:00:32,592
- Well, no, I didn't say that.
- That's my point.
1053
01:00:32,795 --> 01:00:35,286
Men, or man-whores...
1054
01:00:35,498 --> 01:00:39,867
...prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
1055
01:00:40,069 --> 01:00:41,969
Every man wants that.
1056
01:00:42,205 --> 01:00:45,368
And for your information, I only slept
with the one who could read.
1057
01:00:46,476 --> 01:00:48,910
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
1058
01:00:49,445 --> 01:00:51,413
Yes. Yes, I did.
1059
01:00:51,614 --> 01:00:54,208
I can say "cock."
You don't own the word. Cock.
1060
01:00:54,417 --> 01:00:56,578
Cock, cock, cock.
1061
01:00:56,786 --> 01:00:58,617
Okay, I got it.
1062
01:00:58,821 --> 01:01:01,483
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
1063
01:01:01,724 --> 01:01:04,921
Now you're "cock this, cock that,"
cock, cock, cock.
1064
01:01:07,864 --> 01:01:12,233
- You slept with Colin, didn't you?
- No. No.
1065
01:01:13,102 --> 01:01:15,434
We didn't.
We're saving that for this weekend.
1066
01:01:15,638 --> 01:01:17,970
He's taking me to Lake Tahoe.
1067
01:01:28,451 --> 01:01:29,941
Well...
1068
01:01:30,286 --> 01:01:33,312
...here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?
1069
01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:38,816
I'm really a man of discriminating taste
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
1070
01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:40,962
Thank you.
1071
01:01:44,300 --> 01:01:46,325
So there you have it.
1072
01:01:46,536 --> 01:01:50,472
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.
1073
01:01:50,673 --> 01:01:52,470
There are many layers in between.
1074
01:01:52,675 --> 01:01:55,838
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers...
1075
01:01:56,045 --> 01:01:59,981
...and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
1076
01:02:00,583 --> 01:02:02,141
That sounded almost enlightened.
1077
01:02:02,351 --> 01:02:05,809
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends...
1078
01:02:06,022 --> 01:02:09,287
...her lady garden awaits.
- And he's back.
1079
01:02:09,492 --> 01:02:13,656
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize that patch of petunias.
1080
01:02:13,863 --> 01:02:16,855
Well, thanks, Mike.
1081
01:02:17,066 --> 01:02:20,160
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias...
1082
01:02:20,369 --> 01:02:22,530
...are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
1083
01:02:22,739 --> 01:02:25,037
I sure hope mine do.
1084
01:02:25,241 --> 01:02:27,368
I wanna go home,
but let's go over the script.
1085
01:02:27,577 --> 01:02:29,875
Yeah, let's get it done really quickly.
1086
01:02:30,880 --> 01:02:33,542
- I'm turned on with the layers.
- Want to see these layers?
1087
01:02:34,117 --> 01:02:35,675
- There he is.
- Hey, what's up?
1088
01:02:35,885 --> 01:02:37,819
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
1089
01:02:38,020 --> 01:02:40,147
- What?
- I got you on The Late Late Show...
1090
01:02:40,356 --> 01:02:43,189
...with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
1091
01:02:43,392 --> 01:02:45,656
- Ferguson wants me on his show?
- Yeah.
1092
01:02:45,862 --> 01:02:48,160
- You're shitting me.
- I am not shitting you.
1093
01:02:48,364 --> 01:02:50,696
- Oh, yeah.
- We made it.
1094
01:02:52,135 --> 01:02:53,693
Yes!
1095
01:02:54,337 --> 01:02:56,362
Hi. Who are you?
1096
01:02:56,572 --> 01:02:57,561
Oh, this is Rick.
1097
01:02:57,774 --> 01:02:59,503
- I'm his agent.
- Yeah.
1098
01:03:00,042 --> 01:03:02,875
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay...
1099
01:03:03,079 --> 01:03:05,604
...to book Late Night
without the producer's approval?
1100
01:03:05,848 --> 01:03:08,248
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates."
1101
01:03:08,451 --> 01:03:12,080
And since he became the hottest
personality on morning TV.
1102
01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:16,247
- Have you seen this guy's ratings?
- Yes. Yes, I have.
1103
01:03:16,459 --> 01:03:18,393
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
1104
01:03:18,594 --> 01:03:19,720
- Okay.
- It's all set.
1105
01:03:19,929 --> 01:03:23,763
- How cool is this?
- Come on, let's go.
1106
01:03:23,966 --> 01:03:25,126
Oh, my God!
1107
01:03:31,007 --> 01:03:32,474
Joy said you wanted to see me?
1108
01:03:32,675 --> 01:03:34,802
I found out
that Mike's being offered a job...
1109
01:03:35,011 --> 01:03:38,139
...at a CBS affiliate in San Francisco
at twice the pay.
1110
01:03:38,381 --> 01:03:40,246
Craig Ferguson is his audition.
1111
01:03:40,449 --> 01:03:42,314
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.
1112
01:03:42,518 --> 01:03:45,043
If Bob and Harold find out about this,
we're dead.
1113
01:03:45,254 --> 01:03:47,882
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
1114
01:03:48,090 --> 01:03:49,785
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.
1115
01:03:49,992 --> 01:03:51,584
Don't let him know that you know.
1116
01:03:51,794 --> 01:03:54,456
Go ahead and let him do the show,
get us our publicity...
1117
01:03:54,664 --> 01:03:57,497
...and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us...
1118
01:03:57,700 --> 01:04:01,363
...for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
1119
01:04:11,047 --> 01:04:13,413
Stuart, I'm pulling up.
I'm gonna try to catch him.
1120
01:04:13,616 --> 01:04:15,641
Okay. I'll call you back.
1121
01:04:17,787 --> 01:04:19,584
Thank you.
1122
01:04:19,789 --> 01:04:21,780
Hello, little stupid penis face.
1123
01:04:21,991 --> 01:04:24,118
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
1124
01:04:24,327 --> 01:04:28,286
- Here you wanna move to CBS.
- Is everything okay, miss?
1125
01:04:28,497 --> 01:04:31,694
Yes, I'm just...
I'm practicing my speech.
1126
01:04:33,336 --> 01:04:37,204
Abby? What are you doing here?
I thought you were going to Tahoe.
1127
01:04:37,540 --> 01:04:39,371
You couldn't spend a day
without me.
1128
01:04:39,575 --> 01:04:43,602
Yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
1129
01:04:43,813 --> 01:04:46,680
Stuart thought you needed a producer
more than I needed to get laid.
1130
01:04:46,883 --> 01:04:49,647
Come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
1131
01:04:51,020 --> 01:04:55,047
- Five minutes. Ticktock, ticktock.
- Yes, dear.
1132
01:04:56,459 --> 01:04:59,451
Okay, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
1133
01:05:00,563 --> 01:05:03,964
I'm sorry you didn't get to spend time
with little Colin this weekend.
1134
01:05:04,166 --> 01:05:06,157
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized...
1135
01:05:06,369 --> 01:05:08,837
...although I highly suspect
that's the case.
1136
01:05:09,605 --> 01:05:12,802
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
1137
01:05:13,009 --> 01:05:14,977
Because I thought
we should talk about...
1138
01:05:15,177 --> 01:05:17,202
...what you're gonna say
on the show.
1139
01:05:17,413 --> 01:05:20,143
Yeah. Okay.
1140
01:05:20,349 --> 01:05:23,546
So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?
1141
01:05:23,753 --> 01:05:25,744
Well, Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson...
1142
01:05:25,988 --> 01:05:27,216
...I had a sales job...
1143
01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:31,086
...where I was driving around a lot,
listening to talk radio.
1144
01:05:31,294 --> 01:05:35,355
I started calling in, and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
1145
01:05:35,564 --> 01:05:37,259
Just ask my producer, Abby.
1146
01:05:37,500 --> 01:05:40,901
She thinks I'm a genius on days
when she's not sexually frustrated.
1147
01:05:41,103 --> 01:05:44,402
Yes, thousands of lives
have been enriched by your wisdom.
1148
01:05:44,607 --> 01:05:47,735
Excuse me, lady, but you have
a boyfriend right now because of me.
1149
01:05:47,944 --> 01:05:51,072
It may have started because of you,
but it's lasted because of me.
1150
01:05:51,280 --> 01:05:54,272
You're acting like your normal
control-freak psycho self again.
1151
01:05:54,517 --> 01:05:55,677
I am not a control freak.
1152
01:05:55,885 --> 01:05:58,945
When you checked into the hotel,
did you or did you not insist...
1153
01:05:59,155 --> 01:06:03,751
...on getting an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?
1154
01:06:05,227 --> 01:06:08,253
I like rising with the sun, and a view.
1155
01:06:09,131 --> 01:06:12,897
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby...
1156
01:06:13,102 --> 01:06:14,592
...not the Abby version of Abby.
1157
01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:16,863
So don't go
knocking my words of wisdom...
1158
01:06:17,073 --> 01:06:19,701
...when you're living proof
that they work.
1159
01:06:20,576 --> 01:06:22,544
I could be having sex right now.
1160
01:06:22,745 --> 01:06:24,303
Right this way, please.
1161
01:06:24,547 --> 01:06:28,779
Dude, this is awesome. You are
about to go on national television.
1162
01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:30,577
Okay, this isn't helping, Rick.
1163
01:06:30,786 --> 01:06:33,152
Just, you know,
do what you always do.
1164
01:06:33,356 --> 01:06:38,055
- What do I always do?
- You... I don't know, you...
1165
01:06:38,661 --> 01:06:40,891
You entertain people
with your moronic ideas...
1166
01:06:41,097 --> 01:06:43,088
...and they love you for it.
1167
01:06:43,499 --> 01:06:45,626
That may be the nicest thing
you said to me.
1168
01:06:45,835 --> 01:06:47,132
- You're welcome.
- Next up...
1169
01:06:47,336 --> 01:06:49,964
...here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women...
1170
01:06:50,172 --> 01:06:53,073
...is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
1171
01:06:54,577 --> 01:06:56,568
Mike, Mike, Mike.
1172
01:06:56,779 --> 01:06:58,542
Come on up.
1173
01:06:59,081 --> 01:07:01,174
Hey, how are you, folks?
1174
01:07:01,384 --> 01:07:03,579
All right, Mike, welcome.
1175
01:07:03,786 --> 01:07:07,517
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men."
1176
01:07:07,723 --> 01:07:10,123
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes...
1177
01:07:10,326 --> 01:07:13,295
- No, I get it. I get it.
- We're not known for our expertise...
1178
01:07:13,496 --> 01:07:15,259
...in matters of the heart.
1179
01:07:15,798 --> 01:07:19,529
But I hear you have some
very interesting ideas and theories.
1180
01:07:19,735 --> 01:07:22,203
What advice would you give
to the people out there...
1181
01:07:22,405 --> 01:07:26,102
...that are looking for love?
- My advice would be:
1182
01:07:26,308 --> 01:07:28,333
Don't do it.
1183
01:07:28,544 --> 01:07:32,537
I mean, try to find lust instead.
It's a lot easier and a lot less messy.
1184
01:07:32,748 --> 01:07:37,981
Blue balls, they only last a few hours,
but a broken heart, that can last years.
1185
01:07:43,025 --> 01:07:46,017
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
1186
01:07:46,429 --> 01:07:47,691
Who?
1187
01:07:47,897 --> 01:07:51,025
The woman that screwed you up.
She must have been a doozy.
1188
01:07:57,273 --> 01:08:01,835
Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.
1189
01:08:06,649 --> 01:08:09,743
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
1190
01:08:22,698 --> 01:08:26,156
- Did you get him? Is he ours?
- I'm working on it.
1191
01:08:26,368 --> 01:08:27,995
I gotta go.
1192
01:08:29,672 --> 01:08:32,038
- Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.
1193
01:08:32,241 --> 01:08:35,677
I thought you and I could celebrate
on our own. Give me some of that.
1194
01:08:36,612 --> 01:08:39,376
And what exactly
are we celebrating?
1195
01:08:39,582 --> 01:08:42,278
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
1196
01:08:42,485 --> 01:08:44,248
I mean, maybe you saw it?
1197
01:08:45,588 --> 01:08:47,681
I heard about the offer from CBS.
1198
01:08:49,558 --> 01:08:51,788
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
1199
01:08:52,328 --> 01:08:53,920
You did?
1200
01:08:55,698 --> 01:08:56,756
Why?
1201
01:08:57,700 --> 01:08:59,190
Jonah.
1202
01:08:59,401 --> 01:09:00,766
You know, he needs me around.
1203
01:09:01,971 --> 01:09:05,236
I may not be the best father figure
out there...
1204
01:09:05,508 --> 01:09:07,271
...but I'm the only one he's got.
1205
01:09:07,476 --> 01:09:11,139
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
1206
01:09:11,347 --> 01:09:14,373
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.
1207
01:09:14,583 --> 01:09:15,811
Thank you.
1208
01:09:16,018 --> 01:09:18,111
Now, can we stop
talking about work...
1209
01:09:18,320 --> 01:09:23,223
...and maybe relax and drink, enjoy?
1210
01:09:23,425 --> 01:09:24,983
God.
1211
01:09:26,495 --> 01:09:27,621
Tell me about the doozy.
1212
01:09:28,664 --> 01:09:30,757
You know,
the woman who broke your heart.
1213
01:09:30,966 --> 01:09:33,332
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
1214
01:09:33,536 --> 01:09:37,495
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
1215
01:09:39,508 --> 01:09:41,999
Well, for your information...
1216
01:09:42,244 --> 01:09:45,680
...it was more than just one.
1217
01:09:45,881 --> 01:09:49,248
It was more like a parade.
1218
01:09:49,952 --> 01:09:53,581
Codependent girls, unfaithful girls...
1219
01:09:53,789 --> 01:09:58,158
...depressed girls,
narcissistic girls, phony girls.
1220
01:09:58,360 --> 01:10:01,523
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
1221
01:10:03,699 --> 01:10:05,860
By the time I hit 30, I realized that...
1222
01:10:06,068 --> 01:10:08,502
...you can only have
so many lousy relationships...
1223
01:10:08,704 --> 01:10:11,832
...before you figure out
there's no such thing as a good one.
1224
01:10:12,041 --> 01:10:15,875
You can't really believe there's
no such thing as a good relationship.
1225
01:10:16,412 --> 01:10:18,437
To my very core.
1226
01:10:19,481 --> 01:10:21,642
Hello. Can I get you something?
1227
01:10:21,850 --> 01:10:24,148
- I'll have one of those, please.
- A mojito. Sure.
1228
01:10:24,353 --> 01:10:26,651
- Would you like anything else?
- Yeah, some water.
1229
01:10:26,855 --> 01:10:29,221
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?
1230
01:10:29,425 --> 01:10:31,859
- Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.
1231
01:10:33,329 --> 01:10:34,728
What?
1232
01:10:34,930 --> 01:10:36,090
What?
1233
01:10:36,832 --> 01:10:39,266
It's the exact same thing, isn't it?
1234
01:10:40,903 --> 01:10:43,064
So I've been told.
1235
01:10:46,041 --> 01:10:47,736
Come on, let's dance.
1236
01:10:47,943 --> 01:10:50,173
No, I'm serious.
1237
01:10:50,379 --> 01:10:53,212
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
1238
01:10:53,415 --> 01:10:56,907
- No, really. I can't dance like that.
- I can. Well, kind of.
1239
01:11:01,724 --> 01:11:03,589
Oh, Mike, no.
1240
01:11:03,826 --> 01:11:05,794
No.
1241
01:12:35,784 --> 01:12:40,187
We have an early flight tomorrow.
We should go.
1242
01:12:44,793 --> 01:12:46,954
Yeah. We should go.
1243
01:13:16,725 --> 01:13:20,456
So the car is gonna pick us up
downstairs tomorrow at 8.
1244
01:13:20,662 --> 01:13:23,631
- Do you want me to call you?
- No, I'll get a wake-up call.
1245
01:13:23,832 --> 01:13:25,925
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.
1246
01:13:29,371 --> 01:13:32,568
- I had a really good time tonight.
- Me too.
1247
01:13:32,775 --> 01:13:34,242
Yeah.
1248
01:13:42,484 --> 01:13:44,247
- My floor.
- Yeah.
1249
01:13:44,486 --> 01:13:46,545
- See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.
1250
01:13:46,755 --> 01:13:48,586
Eight o'clock.
1251
01:13:48,991 --> 01:13:51,152
- Good night.
- Good night.
1252
01:13:53,295 --> 01:13:55,661
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
1253
01:13:57,900 --> 01:14:00,460
- A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1254
01:14:17,052 --> 01:14:18,178
I guess...
1255
01:14:18,387 --> 01:14:20,753
I guess I should go, huh?
1256
01:14:20,956 --> 01:14:22,480
Yeah.
1257
01:14:23,459 --> 01:14:25,017
Good night.
1258
01:14:48,083 --> 01:14:50,881
What the hell was that?
1259
01:14:51,453 --> 01:14:54,115
Why do I wanna do it again?
1260
01:15:06,802 --> 01:15:07,962
- Miss me?
- Colin.
1261
01:15:08,170 --> 01:15:11,162
- You were expecting someone else?
- No.
1262
01:15:13,375 --> 01:15:17,141
Since you couldn't come to
Lake Tahoe, I decided to come to you.
1263
01:15:17,346 --> 01:15:20,179
- How did you know I was here?
- Joy told me.
1264
01:15:20,382 --> 01:15:24,580
I just started thinking about all the
stuff we were going to do there, and I...
1265
01:15:24,786 --> 01:15:27,778
Come here.
- decided I couldn't wait.
1266
01:15:28,690 --> 01:15:29,918
- A little champagne?
- Yeah.
1267
01:15:30,125 --> 01:15:31,456
Great.
1268
01:15:31,660 --> 01:15:34,993
So happy to be here. Oh, yes.
1269
01:15:35,197 --> 01:15:38,860
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. You just surprised me.
1270
01:15:39,101 --> 01:15:42,332
- You told me you were spontaneous.
- Yes, I did.
1271
01:15:43,038 --> 01:15:47,202
Have a little something else on its way
up for you. You are going to love it.
1272
01:15:50,345 --> 01:15:52,472
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
1273
01:15:52,681 --> 01:15:55,582
Oh, wow, I guess we have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
1274
01:15:56,118 --> 01:15:58,313
- I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.
1275
01:16:09,498 --> 01:16:11,489
Abby, I...
1276
01:16:14,403 --> 01:16:17,998
Abby, I really, really wanna do that
again, and not just tonight.
1277
01:16:18,206 --> 01:16:19,696
Fuck.
1278
01:16:20,709 --> 01:16:22,802
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
1279
01:16:23,145 --> 01:16:26,876
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
1280
01:16:33,889 --> 01:16:37,552
Hey... Hey. You're not room service.
1281
01:16:37,759 --> 01:16:39,989
- How you doing, man?
- Hey.
1282
01:16:40,195 --> 01:16:42,390
Hey. Good to see you. I...
1283
01:16:42,598 --> 01:16:47,558
I just came by to tell Abby
about the change in our flight time...
1284
01:16:47,769 --> 01:16:50,704
...but I can come by later.
1285
01:16:51,473 --> 01:16:53,373
- Hi.
- Hey.
1286
01:16:53,976 --> 01:16:55,500
What are you doing here?
1287
01:16:55,711 --> 01:16:58,111
Flight's changed.
1288
01:16:58,313 --> 01:17:00,907
Eight o'clock in the morning.
1289
01:17:01,116 --> 01:17:03,380
I told you that already?
1290
01:17:05,454 --> 01:17:08,651
I'm so... Long day, big day.
1291
01:17:09,324 --> 01:17:11,918
Okay, I'll just leave now.
1292
01:17:20,002 --> 01:17:21,435
Mike. Mike.
1293
01:17:22,404 --> 01:17:24,201
Hey, wait.
1294
01:17:25,474 --> 01:17:28,068
He came to surprise me. I...
1295
01:17:28,610 --> 01:17:31,545
- Hey, how convenient.
- No, I...
1296
01:17:31,747 --> 01:17:33,772
I thought it was you at the door.
1297
01:17:33,982 --> 01:17:36,610
Well, I guess we're all
interchangeable.
1298
01:17:38,120 --> 01:17:39,883
I taught you well.
1299
01:17:40,088 --> 01:17:42,886
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.
1300
01:17:51,033 --> 01:17:53,558
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.
1301
01:17:54,536 --> 01:17:56,128
Should I tell Colin to go?
1302
01:17:58,106 --> 01:17:59,698
No.
1303
01:18:01,176 --> 01:18:03,076
No, why pull up anchor now?
1304
01:18:03,612 --> 01:18:06,410
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
1305
01:18:08,383 --> 01:18:11,580
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?
1306
01:18:13,021 --> 01:18:14,716
What do you want me to say?
1307
01:18:17,626 --> 01:18:19,025
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
1308
01:18:21,063 --> 01:18:23,497
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
1309
01:18:28,070 --> 01:18:29,765
I'll see you.
1310
01:18:56,398 --> 01:18:57,387
Sorry about that.
1311
01:18:58,066 --> 01:19:00,159
No. Honestly, no worries.
1312
01:19:00,368 --> 01:19:02,461
Just come here.
1313
01:19:03,605 --> 01:19:06,301
Listen, the rest of the night is ours.
1314
01:19:07,409 --> 01:19:10,708
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
1315
01:19:17,452 --> 01:19:19,010
Okay.
1316
01:19:22,023 --> 01:19:25,584
Yeah. Colin, why do you like me?
1317
01:19:31,533 --> 01:19:34,502
You're beautiful. You're smart.
1318
01:19:35,771 --> 01:19:37,238
You...
1319
01:19:37,439 --> 01:19:38,701
You never criticize.
1320
01:19:38,907 --> 01:19:41,933
You know what?
You never try to control the situation.
1321
01:19:42,144 --> 01:19:44,510
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air...
1322
01:19:44,713 --> 01:19:48,080
...because I know so many women
who are total control freaks...
1323
01:19:48,283 --> 01:19:49,511
...and it's a nightmare.
1324
01:19:49,718 --> 01:19:52,346
- I just love that you're not like that.
- But I am.
1325
01:19:52,888 --> 01:19:55,049
I am just like that.
1326
01:19:55,423 --> 01:19:56,788
Wait, what do you mean?
1327
01:19:56,992 --> 01:19:59,187
Well, this should be chilled.
1328
01:19:59,728 --> 01:20:01,252
But you know that.
1329
01:20:01,463 --> 01:20:04,296
And as horrible as it sounds...
1330
01:20:04,499 --> 01:20:07,730
...I was editing that speech
the entire time you were giving it.
1331
01:20:07,936 --> 01:20:12,305
And the time you fed me caviar,
I was in physical pain.
1332
01:20:12,507 --> 01:20:15,203
I hate being fed like a toddler.
1333
01:20:15,410 --> 01:20:18,106
That's how much
of a control freak I am.
1334
01:20:18,313 --> 01:20:21,282
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because...
1335
01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:23,747
...who would love someone like that?
1336
01:20:24,252 --> 01:20:25,947
No one.
1337
01:20:42,838 --> 01:20:44,863
I'm so sorry.
1338
01:20:45,807 --> 01:20:48,241
You are a great guy, you really are.
1339
01:20:49,611 --> 01:20:52,910
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
1340
01:20:53,114 --> 01:20:55,639
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
1341
01:20:57,052 --> 01:20:58,314
Then who have you been?
1342
01:21:01,456 --> 01:21:04,118
The girl some idiot told me to be.
1343
01:21:31,353 --> 01:21:33,218
Morning, Freddy.
1344
01:21:34,756 --> 01:21:36,155
What did you do to him?
1345
01:21:36,358 --> 01:21:39,122
I didn't do anything.
He missed the flight all on his own.
1346
01:21:39,327 --> 01:21:41,124
He quit this morning.
1347
01:21:41,329 --> 01:21:45,129
I got a call from the local CBS affiliate
saying they'd closed a deal with him.
1348
01:21:45,333 --> 01:21:47,858
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
1349
01:21:48,069 --> 01:21:51,732
He quit to go
to one of our local competitors?
1350
01:21:52,974 --> 01:21:54,236
We don't need Mike Chadway.
1351
01:21:54,476 --> 01:21:56,637
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.
1352
01:21:56,845 --> 01:21:57,903
You'd better be right.
1353
01:21:58,113 --> 01:22:01,082
Because you gotta find me
another one or else we're canceled.
1354
01:22:01,283 --> 01:22:03,717
I'll find one by the end of the day.
1355
01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:07,514
Not really. I'm just...
That's just a joke, everybody.
1356
01:22:07,722 --> 01:22:10,020
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel for him.
1357
01:22:10,225 --> 01:22:13,661
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin. I'm sorry.
1358
01:22:13,862 --> 01:22:15,887
Okay, here are the Mike Chadway
replacements.
1359
01:22:16,097 --> 01:22:20,534
- Yes, no, yes, no, no, fuck no.
- "Fuck no." All right.
1360
01:22:21,469 --> 01:22:23,494
So, what do you think
of the new set?
1361
01:22:23,805 --> 01:22:25,272
I love it.
1362
01:22:25,507 --> 01:22:28,840
KS XP retained the copyright
to your old segment title...
1363
01:22:29,044 --> 01:22:32,980
...so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
1364
01:22:34,716 --> 01:22:35,705
Love it.
1365
01:22:35,917 --> 01:22:39,580
- And this is Joe, your new producer.
- Hi.
1366
01:22:41,389 --> 01:22:43,584
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?
1367
01:22:43,792 --> 01:22:46,124
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
1368
01:22:46,328 --> 01:22:48,489
I'm relieved to hear that.
1369
01:23:17,492 --> 01:23:20,655
How's my face? Is it too shiny?
1370
01:23:20,862 --> 01:23:24,320
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
1371
01:23:25,266 --> 01:23:28,724
They're all great. Can we go over
your intro one more time?
1372
01:23:28,937 --> 01:23:34,398
- "I'm Jack Magnum, and this is..."
- The Ugly Truth.
1373
01:23:35,777 --> 01:23:38,746
Okay. Let's maybe lose
the gun thing.
1374
01:23:38,947 --> 01:23:40,812
What? Gun's my signature move.
1375
01:23:41,016 --> 01:23:43,576
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month...
1376
01:23:43,785 --> 01:23:45,343
...I say lose the effing gun.
1377
01:23:45,587 --> 01:23:49,318
All right,
we're live in five, four, three...
1378
01:23:49,524 --> 01:23:50,821
Two, one.
1379
01:23:51,026 --> 01:23:54,086
- Think this guy's any good?
- He better be.
1380
01:23:54,295 --> 01:23:59,130
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
1381
01:23:59,334 --> 01:24:02,497
- Peace.
- Oh, Jesus. He's going political.
1382
01:24:02,704 --> 01:24:05,172
We'll do a couple questions
with the balloon pilot...
1383
01:24:05,373 --> 01:24:08,638
...about how often couples get it on
in-flight, and then we're out.
1384
01:24:08,843 --> 01:24:10,367
Got it.
1385
01:24:11,312 --> 01:24:13,940
- Check it out. Your replacement's on.
- Jack Magnum.
1386
01:24:14,149 --> 01:24:15,616
- My what?
- How's it going, Jack?
1387
01:24:15,817 --> 01:24:17,182
Your replacement?
1388
01:24:17,385 --> 01:24:20,479
Most of you are watching this show
so you can learn how to get chicks.
1389
01:24:20,688 --> 01:24:24,317
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
1390
01:24:24,526 --> 01:24:26,016
You're looking at a guy...
1391
01:24:26,227 --> 01:24:30,561
...who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
1392
01:24:30,765 --> 01:24:32,027
Most of them conscious.
1393
01:24:34,369 --> 01:24:37,395
- This is beautiful.
- Now, we're at the balloon festival...
1394
01:24:37,639 --> 01:24:41,040
...and I'm supposed to be telling you
about how men are full of hot air.
1395
01:24:41,242 --> 01:24:44,473
But I think we all know,
it's the ladies that are full of crap.
1396
01:24:44,679 --> 01:24:48,171
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
1397
01:24:49,584 --> 01:24:53,020
If that were the case,
I'd have only 90 women...
1398
01:24:53,788 --> 01:24:56,222
- Okay. All right.
- What the hell?
1399
01:24:56,424 --> 01:24:58,051
Did she...?
1400
01:24:58,860 --> 01:24:59,918
Welcome back.
1401
01:25:00,161 --> 01:25:03,653
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
1402
01:25:03,865 --> 01:25:06,231
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
1403
01:25:06,434 --> 01:25:08,231
Okay, I got it.
1404
01:25:09,571 --> 01:25:11,334
- Hi.
- We're back.
1405
01:25:11,873 --> 01:25:13,170
I'm sorry...
1406
01:25:13,374 --> 01:25:17,674
... but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
1407
01:25:18,213 --> 01:25:20,181
Which should really
come as no surprise...
1408
01:25:20,381 --> 01:25:23,680
...because men
are completely unreliable.
1409
01:25:23,885 --> 01:25:25,785
What is she doing?
1410
01:25:25,987 --> 01:25:29,514
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes, I know.
We're fixing it.
1411
01:25:29,724 --> 01:25:31,214
Take Mike Chadway, for instance.
1412
01:25:31,426 --> 01:25:34,361
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
1413
01:25:34,562 --> 01:25:37,292
You think you know what men
are gonna do, you think you know...
1414
01:25:37,499 --> 01:25:38,864
... what men want to do.
1415
01:25:39,067 --> 01:25:40,898
But when it comes down
to that moment...
1416
01:25:41,102 --> 01:25:44,594
... where they actually need to step up
and, I don't know, make a move...
1417
01:25:44,806 --> 01:25:45,795
... they chicken out.
1418
01:25:47,142 --> 01:25:49,838
- I am all over this.
- Where are you going?
1419
01:25:50,044 --> 01:25:52,205
- We're live in two.
- It's going great, isn't it?
1420
01:25:52,413 --> 01:25:55,814
The big, strong, brave men
that we've all been reading about...
1421
01:25:56,017 --> 01:25:59,077
...in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old...
1422
01:25:59,287 --> 01:26:01,721
...that's a fallacy. They don't exist.
1423
01:26:01,923 --> 01:26:04,983
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.
1424
01:26:05,226 --> 01:26:06,955
Men are afraid.
1425
01:26:07,162 --> 01:26:10,290
It's all part of the show. It's an
Andy Kaufman thing we're doing.
1426
01:26:11,232 --> 01:26:16,067
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator...
1427
01:26:16,871 --> 01:26:19,897
... and it's totally romantic
and full of potential...
1428
01:26:20,475 --> 01:26:23,467
...men are incapable of copping to it.
1429
01:26:23,678 --> 01:26:25,703
Because why?
1430
01:26:26,247 --> 01:26:27,612
Men are weak.
1431
01:26:27,815 --> 01:26:31,808
Let me tell you something
about women.
1432
01:26:32,153 --> 01:26:34,747
- Hey.
- Woman would have us believe...
1433
01:26:34,956 --> 01:26:38,790
...that they are the victims.
That we break their hearts for sport.
1434
01:26:38,993 --> 01:26:40,483
- I thought he quit.
- That's crap.
1435
01:26:40,695 --> 01:26:42,424
See? I told you we'd get him back.
1436
01:26:42,630 --> 01:26:46,760
They say they want true love,
but all they want is a checklist.
1437
01:26:46,968 --> 01:26:50,460
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
1438
01:26:50,672 --> 01:26:52,299
For you men who fit the criteria...
1439
01:26:52,507 --> 01:26:55,169
... don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
1440
01:26:55,376 --> 01:27:00,177
They're sleeping with a carefully
calculated set of venal choices.
1441
01:27:00,381 --> 01:27:03,282
Money over substance,
looks over soul.
1442
01:27:03,484 --> 01:27:05,281
Polish over principles.
1443
01:27:05,486 --> 01:27:08,387
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic...
1444
01:27:08,590 --> 01:27:12,390
...will ever compensate for a really
impressive list of credentials.
1445
01:27:12,594 --> 01:27:15,062
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture...
1446
01:27:15,296 --> 01:27:16,558
...other than this one.
1447
01:27:16,798 --> 01:27:18,698
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?
1448
01:27:18,900 --> 01:27:20,868
The elevator
was a moment of passion...
1449
01:27:21,069 --> 01:27:24,129
...followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
1450
01:27:24,339 --> 01:27:28,708
- Panic? I came by your room.
- Yes, and then you ran away.
1451
01:27:28,910 --> 01:27:30,343
That wasn't panic, sweetheart.
1452
01:27:30,545 --> 01:27:32,342
That was an unwillingness
to compete...
1453
01:27:32,547 --> 01:27:35,141
...with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
1454
01:27:35,350 --> 01:27:36,908
You should be thanking me.
1455
01:27:37,118 --> 01:27:38,949
We got 10 seconds.
1456
01:27:39,153 --> 01:27:41,144
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?
1457
01:27:41,356 --> 01:27:44,052
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
1458
01:27:44,259 --> 01:27:45,886
A girl in heat for two guys...
1459
01:27:46,094 --> 01:27:48,221
...will choose the one
with the better résumé.
1460
01:27:48,429 --> 01:27:49,487
That is bullsh...
1461
01:27:51,566 --> 01:27:53,158
And we're out.
1462
01:27:54,335 --> 01:27:57,600
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
1463
01:27:57,839 --> 01:27:59,864
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.
1464
01:28:00,775 --> 01:28:02,333
- Off we go.
- Where are we going?
1465
01:28:02,543 --> 01:28:05,171
I'm not going anywhere with you.
1466
01:28:07,615 --> 01:28:10,948
- Well, that's a shocker, you're bailing.
- I wouldn't recommend that.
1467
01:28:11,152 --> 01:28:12,744
Keep rolling on the onboard camera.
1468
01:28:16,090 --> 01:28:20,390
What are you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
1469
01:28:23,931 --> 01:28:26,798
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?
1470
01:28:27,001 --> 01:28:29,299
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
1471
01:28:29,504 --> 01:28:32,564
- Nope.
- Oh, they're gonna curse. I know it.
1472
01:28:45,953 --> 01:28:48,285
So who wants champagne?
1473
01:28:49,457 --> 01:28:51,482
Oh, I know. I got a great idea.
1474
01:28:51,693 --> 01:28:53,991
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me...
1475
01:28:54,195 --> 01:28:57,062
...how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
1476
01:28:57,265 --> 01:28:59,631
I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles,
you jackass.
1477
01:28:59,834 --> 01:29:02,064
On our left,
you'll see the High Sierras...
1478
01:29:02,270 --> 01:29:05,000
- What?
- Oh, yeah. That's got your interest.
1479
01:29:05,206 --> 01:29:07,470
If you think we're gonna finish
what we started...
1480
01:29:07,675 --> 01:29:09,973
...you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
1481
01:29:10,178 --> 01:29:12,578
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
1482
01:29:12,780 --> 01:29:15,908
And to our right here, you'll see
the lovely Sacramento River...
1483
01:29:16,117 --> 01:29:18,608
...winding its way
through the dichromatic landscape.
1484
01:29:18,820 --> 01:29:20,754
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.
1485
01:29:20,955 --> 01:29:23,423
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse in judgment...
1486
01:29:23,624 --> 01:29:26,491
...when I thought you were
more than you are, but you aren't.
1487
01:29:26,694 --> 01:29:28,423
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
1488
01:29:28,629 --> 01:29:30,597
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.
1489
01:29:30,798 --> 01:29:33,767
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary."
1490
01:29:33,968 --> 01:29:36,129
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.
1491
01:29:38,206 --> 01:29:40,674
Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying.
1492
01:29:40,875 --> 01:29:43,309
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
1493
01:29:43,511 --> 01:29:44,808
I am not a psycho.
1494
01:29:45,580 --> 01:29:46,604
Love?
1495
01:29:48,249 --> 01:29:51,343
I just told you that I loved you,
and all you heard was "psycho."
1496
01:29:51,552 --> 01:29:54,851
- You're the definition of neurotic.
- No. The definition of neurotic...
1497
01:29:55,056 --> 01:29:59,356
...is a person who suffers from anxiety,
obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts...
1498
01:29:59,560 --> 01:30:02,393
...without any objective evidence of...
- Shut up.
1499
01:30:02,597 --> 01:30:04,963
Yet again,
I just told you I'm in love with you...
1500
01:30:05,166 --> 01:30:08,727
...and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
1501
01:30:20,047 --> 01:30:22,174
You're in love with me.
1502
01:30:22,417 --> 01:30:23,679
Why?
1503
01:30:26,888 --> 01:30:28,913
Beats the shit out of me...
1504
01:30:29,123 --> 01:30:30,385
...but I am.
1505
01:30:59,320 --> 01:31:00,947
Oh, Mike.
1506
01:31:01,155 --> 01:31:03,623
- You're amazing.
- I am?
1507
01:31:03,825 --> 01:31:05,952
Oh, you're a god.
1508
01:31:06,160 --> 01:31:08,924
- Really?
- Oh, God!
1509
01:31:19,173 --> 01:31:20,470
Am I really that good?
1510
01:31:20,675 --> 01:31:22,302
Or are you...?
1511
01:31:22,543 --> 01:31:23,601
Are you just faking it?
1512
01:31:26,347 --> 01:31:28,542
You'll never know.