1 00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:28,944 Oh, America. 2 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,947 I wish I could tell you that this was still America... 3 00:00:32,449 --> 00:00:35,951 ...but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. 4 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,955 And there are no people here. 5 00:00:46,796 --> 00:00:49,381 No! No! 6 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,470 Go back... Fuck! 7 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,140 No, my friends. 8 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,352 This is now the United States of Zombieland. 9 00:01:05,690 --> 00:01:10,819 It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm. 10 00:01:10,987 --> 00:01:14,364 And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? 11 00:01:14,699 --> 00:01:17,367 It's because of my list of rules. 12 00:01:17,535 --> 00:01:20,746 Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. 13 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:23,749 Fuck! 14 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,502 When the virus struck, for obvious reasons... 15 00:01:26,669 --> 00:01:29,004 ...the first ones to go were the fatties. 16 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:34,927 Poor fat bastard. 17 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,681 But as the infection spread and the chaos grew... 18 00:01:39,849 --> 00:01:42,351 ...it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. 19 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,355 You had to get a gun and learn how to use it. 20 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,024 Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. 21 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:55,197 In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really "dead" dead... 22 00:01:55,365 --> 00:01:57,366 ...don't get all stingy with your bullets. 23 00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:00,369 I mean, one more clean shot to the head... 24 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:06,208 ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. 25 00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:09,211 Woulda, coulda, shoulda. 26 00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,964 Wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. 27 00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:15,467 When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. 28 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,887 Can't a guy take a dumper in peace? 29 00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:27,729 Don't let them catch you pants down. Beware of bathrooms. 30 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,236 As zombies began to outnumber humans... 31 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:37,322 ...well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. 32 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:41,076 If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters... 33 00:02:43,079 --> 00:02:45,956 ...well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. 34 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,963 You had to focus on your own survival... 35 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,924 ...which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic. 36 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:08,437 Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 37 00:04:54,252 --> 00:04:58,130 That guy down there is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. 38 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,967 And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland. 39 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,470 Two months since patient zero took a bite of a contaminated burger... 40 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:06,930 ...at a Gas N' Gulp. 41 00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:11,393 Just two months, and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. 42 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,562 I may seem like an unlikely survivor... 43 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,982 ...with all my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome... 44 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:21,403 ...but I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family. 45 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,156 I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules. 46 00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:26,908 My rules. 47 00:05:56,272 --> 00:05:57,939 Shit. 48 00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,621 Of course. 49 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,192 Motherfucker. 50 00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:10,846 On the bright side, I had found a place to go number two. 51 00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:17,686 Another rule to surviving Zombieland: Travel light. 52 00:07:19,063 --> 00:07:21,022 And I don't mean just luggage. 53 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:23,024 I've always been kind of a loner. 54 00:07:23,192 --> 00:07:25,193 I avoided people like they were zombies... 55 00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,070 ...even before they were zombies. 56 00:07:27,238 --> 00:07:30,657 Now that they are all zombies, I kind of miss people. 57 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,244 So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas... 58 00:07:34,412 --> 00:07:38,373 ...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive. 59 00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,542 Even though we were never really close... 60 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,462 ...it would be nice to see a familiar face, or any face... 61 00:07:43,671 --> 00:07:47,549 ...that doesn't have blood dripping from its lips and flesh between its teeth. 62 00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:17,389 Thank you. 63 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:27,482 - What are you looking for? - Nothing. I just have this list. 64 00:09:28,859 --> 00:09:30,860 No one back there but my duffel bag. 65 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,826 - What's your name? - Stop. No names. 66 00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:40,078 Keeps us from getting too familiar. 67 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,416 You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. 68 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,503 - That's okay, you don't have to... - So where you headed? 69 00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,840 Columbus. You? 70 00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,510 Tallahassee. 71 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:03,018 No, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once. 72 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:09,024 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are both east. 73 00:10:09,191 --> 00:10:10,442 So? 74 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:13,903 So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? 75 00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:18,033 - Least for a while? - Here's the deal, Columbus. 76 00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:20,535 I'm not easy to get along with... 77 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,038 ...and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch... 78 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,751 ...so I give this relationship to about Texarkana. 79 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:31,046 Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana. 80 00:10:31,213 --> 00:10:34,090 You're a peppy little spit-fuck, aren't you? 81 00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:36,885 You might wanna buckle up for safety. 82 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:41,389 I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves. 83 00:10:42,391 --> 00:10:44,434 Even though teaming up wasn't my style... 84 00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:46,770 ...I figured I'd be safer with Tallahassee. 85 00:10:46,937 --> 00:10:49,439 You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and... 86 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,441 Business is good. 87 00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:56,863 It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness. 88 00:10:57,365 --> 00:10:58,448 What are we doing here? 89 00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:00,909 Well, take a look. It's a goddamn Hostess truck. 90 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:04,412 Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what? 91 00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:05,955 I could use a Twinkie. 92 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:17,092 - You coming? - Yes. Yeah. One second. 93 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,348 - Are you fucking with me? - No. 94 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:26,518 You should actually limber up as well. 95 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,687 Especially if we are going down that hill. 96 00:11:28,896 --> 00:11:30,146 It is very important. 97 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,940 I don't believe in it. 98 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:35,610 You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle? 99 00:12:00,636 --> 00:12:01,970 - Sno Balls? - Yeah. 100 00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,973 Sno Balls? 101 00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:08,309 Where's the fucking Twinkies? 102 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,353 I like Sno Balls. 103 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,523 I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency. 104 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,817 Fresh. 105 00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:21,364 Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. 106 00:12:23,659 --> 00:12:27,245 Hey, this may be a bad time... 107 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:29,748 ...but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl. 108 00:12:29,957 --> 00:12:31,416 - Really? - Really. 109 00:12:38,048 --> 00:12:41,050 I know, again, so soon? What can I say? 110 00:12:41,218 --> 00:12:43,595 I have a case of chronic anxiety. 111 00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:52,604 Truth is, I was always kind of phobic. I found lots of things disturbing. 112 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:56,274 Like undertow or department store Santas. 113 00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:57,984 Being alone with a baby. 114 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:03,865 But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies... 115 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:07,076 ...fucking clowns. 116 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,540 When you're afraid of everything that's out there... 117 00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,043 ...you quit going out there... 118 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,712 ...which is what happened to me before Zombieland. 119 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:21,758 Friday night, third straight week indoors. 120 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,760 "World of Warcraft"... 121 00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,054 ...leaning tower of pizza boxes... 122 00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,306 ...Code Red Mountain Dew. 123 00:13:28,516 --> 00:13:30,600 Pride, nowhere. 124 00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,477 Dignity, long gone. 125 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,230 Virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on. 126 00:13:35,397 --> 00:13:37,232 Smooth. 127 00:13:37,399 --> 00:13:40,068 My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl... 128 00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,655 ...and fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks. 129 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,741 Then again, since my folks are paranoid shut-ins like me... 130 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:49,410 ...maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks. 131 00:13:49,578 --> 00:13:53,998 And then I'd finally be a member of a cool, functional family. 132 00:13:54,166 --> 00:13:56,084 408. 133 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:59,254 Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency. 134 00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:02,423 I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic... 135 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,509 ...but my neighbor 406 is insanely hot. 136 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,094 Okay, okay. 137 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:13,935 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 138 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,770 Nice to meet you. 139 00:14:20,442 --> 00:14:22,193 Here. 140 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:24,612 There you go. 141 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:31,703 - Mountain Dew? - Yeah. Code Red. 142 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,623 And here's some Golden Grahams. The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp. 143 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,626 Okay. Keep that there. 144 00:14:39,169 --> 00:14:41,212 So tell me what happened. 145 00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:47,010 He was homeless and sick. 146 00:14:47,177 --> 00:14:50,054 And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone... 147 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:54,309 ...and then he just came sprinting towards me. 148 00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:57,604 I mean, not running, sprinting. 149 00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,816 And I thought, you know, like, maybe he was running from someone... 150 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:07,238 ...or after someone, but last time I saw he was still out there going crazy. 151 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,531 Drugs, maybe? 152 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:13,036 I didn't even tell you the worst part. 153 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:15,997 Yeah? 154 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,999 He tried to bite me. 155 00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:25,673 - You're right, that's the worst part. - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. 156 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,844 No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you. 157 00:15:30,012 --> 00:15:32,430 That's the right kind of scared. That's reasonable. 158 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,392 I get scared for things that don't make sense, like clowns with red noses... 159 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:41,105 ...or the rags they use to wipe tables when you finish eating at a restaurant. 160 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,941 Really? 161 00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:46,861 Look, the point is I am here for you, okay? 162 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,531 And as long as you are by my side, I am not leaving this apartment. 163 00:15:50,699 --> 00:15:53,368 Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? 164 00:15:53,535 --> 00:15:55,203 No, of course. Of course. 165 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,956 - Thank you. - Okay. 166 00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:01,292 Set aside the feverish, homeless cannibal... 167 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:03,378 ...l'm living the dream. 168 00:16:03,545 --> 00:16:05,630 I had always, my whole life... 169 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,425 ...wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. 170 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,387 - Good night. - Good night. 171 00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,278 Oh, my God. 172 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,072 Are you okay? 173 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,413 Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop. 174 00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:41,082 What are you doing? 175 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:51,092 Look, stay back, 406, okay? I don't wanna hurt you, but... 176 00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,593 Shit. 177 00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,025 Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry. 178 00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:47,523 You see, you just can't trust anyone. 179 00:17:47,983 --> 00:17:51,402 The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me. 180 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:09,087 Please. Listen to me. 181 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,214 406. 182 00:18:11,548 --> 00:18:13,424 If you're in there... 183 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,887 ...you're just sick. Okay? 184 00:18:33,695 --> 00:18:37,240 That was my first brush with the plague of the 21 st century. 185 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:39,033 Remember mad cow disease? 186 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:42,537 Well, mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. 187 00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:46,749 It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever... 188 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,918 ...that made you hateful, violent... 189 00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,921 ...and gave you a really, really bad case of the munchies. 190 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:54,132 All right, you steer, I'll push. 191 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:59,887 Okay. 192 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,892 I've heard there's a place that's untouched by this crap. 193 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,562 - Back east, yeah? - Yeah. You heard the same thing? 194 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:12,275 Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. 195 00:19:12,442 --> 00:19:15,278 It's all just nonsense. 196 00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,947 You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole... 197 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,284 ...who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year. 198 00:19:21,451 --> 00:19:24,162 There are no penguins on the North Pole. 199 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,915 You wanna feel how hard I can punch? 200 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,335 So, what do you think? 201 00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:34,005 Wait, the last time I laid some pipe? 202 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,758 Last time you went 20 toes, put Percy in the playpen? 203 00:19:37,926 --> 00:19:38,926 Who's Percy? 204 00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:41,470 Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy. 205 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,807 - Went heels to Jesus. - Oh, made love. 206 00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:46,767 Well, just sex. 207 00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:51,606 Three weeks ago. Yeah. 208 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:53,608 In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck. 209 00:19:53,942 --> 00:19:58,112 - Shut up. - No, no, I was headed east. 210 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,448 She, west. 211 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,783 And we took shelter in the back of the truck. 212 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:05,953 - It was full of undelivered packages. - What was her name? 213 00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:08,039 Beverly. 214 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,373 Beverly Hills. 215 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:10,708 You dog. 216 00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,296 So, what about you? 217 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,466 Me? I... 218 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:21,219 Aye, aye, aye. 219 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,475 Oh, my God. It makes you sick. 220 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,478 You know, it makes you sad, it makes you... 221 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:34,148 It makes you think if you can go back to the way things were right now... 222 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,566 ...you know, you'd be... 223 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:38,945 You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies. 224 00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:41,530 And instead this. 225 00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:47,411 - I mean, it makes you... - Hungry. 226 00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,163 I'm worried about you. 227 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:52,333 Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus... 228 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:57,046 ...I promise you it ain't prettier than our friend here enjoying her Manwich. 229 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:07,848 Tallahassee had a sick sense of humor when it came to zombies. 230 00:21:08,016 --> 00:21:11,477 Zombies aren't the most lovable creatures, but he really hated them. 231 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:14,730 The only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies... 232 00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:16,190 ...was finding a Twinkie. 233 00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:19,694 Something about a Twinkie reminded him of a time not so long ago... 234 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,447 ...when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic. 235 00:21:23,615 --> 00:21:26,867 It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat... 236 00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:31,205 ...the world would become innocent, and everything would return to normal. 237 00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:33,124 What, are you prospecting? 238 00:21:33,875 --> 00:21:35,042 Jesus Christ. 239 00:21:35,752 --> 00:21:37,128 You are a dangerous man. 240 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:41,716 You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie? 241 00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,719 There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. 242 00:21:44,886 --> 00:21:46,721 Not just any box of Twinkies. 243 00:21:46,888 --> 00:21:51,892 The last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. 244 00:21:52,060 --> 00:21:54,895 Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. 245 00:21:56,064 --> 00:22:02,069 Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty. 246 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,906 Time to nut up or shut up. 247 00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:10,077 When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie... 248 00:22:10,245 --> 00:22:13,122 ...he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked-with. 249 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:15,082 No fear, nothing to lose. 250 00:22:15,667 --> 00:22:19,253 What can I say? It's like... It's like art. 251 00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,939 You got a pretty mouth. 252 00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:50,993 Don't swing, don't swing. 253 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,079 Swing. 254 00:22:58,085 --> 00:23:00,086 - Thank you. - You owe me. 255 00:23:01,963 --> 00:23:03,631 Yeah. 256 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:04,965 You're incredible. 257 00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:06,509 - I know. - Yeah. 258 00:23:06,676 --> 00:23:10,137 Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie. 259 00:23:11,306 --> 00:23:12,807 Big Hoss. 260 00:23:19,147 --> 00:23:22,316 Come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top. 261 00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:32,243 Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. 262 00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,495 And they're so fat. 263 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:36,872 I think we should probably just keep going. 264 00:23:40,544 --> 00:23:43,170 All I could think of was, what are the odds? 265 00:23:43,338 --> 00:23:46,924 Another marriageable woman to bring home to the folks. 266 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:48,342 Come quick. 267 00:23:49,177 --> 00:23:52,680 Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. 268 00:23:55,183 --> 00:23:56,684 Hey. 269 00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,019 I'll catch up. 270 00:24:01,648 --> 00:24:04,900 Rule number 22: When in doubt, know your way out. 271 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:17,121 They're sisters. The little one's been bitten. 272 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:19,540 Act normal. Try not to freak her out. 273 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:21,459 Yeah. 274 00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,463 Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock. 275 00:24:27,716 --> 00:24:30,217 So you did all this for a Twinkie? 276 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:35,473 No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character. 277 00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,768 Look, I don't think she has long. 278 00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:44,106 Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows. We're just looking for a way out. 279 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,943 No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl. 280 00:24:48,195 --> 00:24:50,070 Don't talk about me like I'm not here. 281 00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,115 Right, sorry. 282 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:57,912 Look, I know that you're really sick. 283 00:24:58,330 --> 00:25:00,456 But your sister wants me to... 284 00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:03,209 It's not her decision, okay? It's mine. 285 00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,252 I made her promise. 286 00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:09,924 We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun. 287 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,719 - We don't know that there's no cure. - You're just gutless! 288 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,096 Give him the gun. 289 00:25:32,989 --> 00:25:35,783 Wait, wait, wait. 290 00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:39,662 I'll do it. 291 00:25:57,305 --> 00:26:00,266 - I love you. - I love you too. 292 00:26:10,485 --> 00:26:11,652 You need some help? 293 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:14,530 Now that you mention it... 294 00:26:14,698 --> 00:26:17,324 ...we'll take your weapons, car keys, your ammunition. 295 00:26:17,492 --> 00:26:20,786 - And if you've got it, sugarless gum. - What the fuck? 296 00:26:22,163 --> 00:26:24,582 Wait, why are you guys doing this? 297 00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,917 Better you make the mistake of trusting us... 298 00:26:27,085 --> 00:26:29,169 ...than us make the mistake of trusting you. 299 00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:35,759 The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot... 300 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:40,014 ...steals my double-barrel and then says I'm the one that can't be trusted. 301 00:26:44,352 --> 00:26:45,686 Nice going, genius. 302 00:26:45,854 --> 00:26:47,855 You're the one that gave her the gun. 303 00:26:48,023 --> 00:26:50,608 Those guys were dumb. 304 00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:54,570 Avoid the vanity mirror. 305 00:26:54,738 --> 00:26:57,031 Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie. 306 00:26:59,117 --> 00:27:02,953 - What I'd give for a shower... - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay? 307 00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:06,040 Let's just get where we're going. 308 00:27:06,207 --> 00:27:09,043 - So do you think it's true? - Is what true? 309 00:27:09,210 --> 00:27:11,211 You know, about Pacific Playland? 310 00:27:11,379 --> 00:27:15,382 Totally zombie-free. Only place west of Waco. 311 00:27:16,968 --> 00:27:18,886 Trust me. 312 00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:23,641 He's on one of these serious Tour de France bikes... 313 00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:25,976 You know, with, like, the toeholds, right? 314 00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:31,148 - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's head is, like, caught in the gear. 315 00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:35,069 You know, with the hair in the chain just, like, going around. 316 00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,071 Very cool. 317 00:27:37,238 --> 00:27:42,159 But zombie kill of the week? No, sir. 318 00:27:42,369 --> 00:27:46,246 I saw this construction worker. I shit you not... 319 00:27:46,414 --> 00:27:49,833 ...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie goes down in front of him. 320 00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:52,586 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? 321 00:27:52,754 --> 00:27:57,174 - I always roll it up from the bottom. - Well, the zombie's head is the cap. 322 00:27:57,384 --> 00:28:00,678 Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? 323 00:28:00,887 --> 00:28:05,015 No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. 324 00:28:05,183 --> 00:28:07,267 All right, let's just try to find a car. 325 00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,477 Which reminds me... 326 00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:11,647 ...I never had headaches like this till your ass came onboard. 327 00:28:11,815 --> 00:28:16,360 I mean, do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 328 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,778 Hey, there's a nice minivan. 329 00:28:17,946 --> 00:28:20,531 Oh, you know something? That is nice. 330 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,032 That's a beautiful van. 331 00:28:24,285 --> 00:28:27,329 Tallahassee believes you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... 332 00:28:27,497 --> 00:28:30,124 ...or else you lose what's left of your mind. 333 00:28:30,291 --> 00:28:33,627 If it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me... 334 00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,338 ...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit." 335 00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:38,549 I want my Caddy back! 336 00:28:39,426 --> 00:28:42,511 Stupid little bitches! 337 00:28:48,476 --> 00:28:52,062 Oh, I think I pulled something. 338 00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,483 Think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? 339 00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,823 You hesitated. 340 00:29:04,492 --> 00:29:08,996 Is it better to be smart or lucky? 341 00:29:09,372 --> 00:29:12,458 Look at what we got here. 342 00:29:34,689 --> 00:29:35,898 Come on. 343 00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:42,988 - That's nice. - Smell the finger? 344 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:48,786 Yes. 345 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:56,210 Thank God for rednecks. 346 00:29:56,377 --> 00:29:58,879 This is a really big truck... 347 00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:03,801 ...and these are really big guns. 348 00:30:04,010 --> 00:30:05,636 Take your time. 349 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,161 You know, they say, "He who seeks revenge... 350 00:30:31,329 --> 00:30:33,163 ...should remember to dig two graves." 351 00:30:33,331 --> 00:30:37,543 Right. Two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 352 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,127 You are scary happy. 353 00:30:42,298 --> 00:30:45,509 Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? 354 00:30:45,677 --> 00:30:47,928 Oh, you want to talk about home? 355 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:53,433 For me, home was a puppy named Buck. 356 00:30:54,102 --> 00:30:55,936 Cutest dog ever. 357 00:31:03,319 --> 00:31:05,654 All those fucking zombies. 358 00:31:06,698 --> 00:31:07,781 I lost him. 359 00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:14,079 And there ain't no getting him back, so I'm looking for a new home. 360 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:19,167 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping in the Yellowstone River... 361 00:31:19,377 --> 00:31:22,880 ...or swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy Mansion... 362 00:31:23,089 --> 00:31:27,467 ...but today, a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8... 363 00:31:27,635 --> 00:31:31,388 ...a box full of hollow points, and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie. 364 00:31:33,308 --> 00:31:36,226 Gotta enjoy the little things. 365 00:31:37,729 --> 00:31:40,731 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam... 366 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,316 ...but I'm writing it down. 367 00:31:42,483 --> 00:31:44,985 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 368 00:31:53,202 --> 00:31:55,370 Knowing them, it's a trap. 369 00:31:55,538 --> 00:31:58,916 Wait here. Drive down if I signal. 370 00:31:59,125 --> 00:32:01,209 You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 371 00:32:01,377 --> 00:32:04,129 Not unless they shoot at me. 372 00:32:04,422 --> 00:32:07,382 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. 373 00:32:57,725 --> 00:33:00,143 Looks like they hoofed it. 374 00:33:00,311 --> 00:33:02,646 Probably headed west. 375 00:33:02,814 --> 00:33:04,815 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 376 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,733 Sure. 377 00:33:10,488 --> 00:33:13,615 - They're in the back, aren't they? - Just me. 378 00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:17,202 I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. 379 00:33:17,620 --> 00:33:20,706 You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old? 380 00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:24,418 Girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age. 381 00:33:24,585 --> 00:33:27,754 Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please. 382 00:33:27,922 --> 00:33:30,132 Like you would ever use that thing. 383 00:33:30,299 --> 00:33:33,260 Don't kill me with my own gun! 384 00:33:33,428 --> 00:33:35,137 All those violent video games. 385 00:33:35,304 --> 00:33:37,097 - Yeah. - Thank you. 386 00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,016 - Now honk your horn. - What? 387 00:33:39,225 --> 00:33:40,809 Honk it. 388 00:33:45,606 --> 00:33:48,150 It's your sister, with my gun. Hello. 389 00:33:52,488 --> 00:33:53,864 Bummer. 390 00:33:55,324 --> 00:33:57,284 Now step away from the vehicle. 391 00:33:59,787 --> 00:34:02,164 You get to ride shotgun. 392 00:34:09,338 --> 00:34:11,214 I kind of like this girl. 393 00:34:11,382 --> 00:34:14,634 She's not your typical hot, stuck-up bitch. 394 00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:19,765 Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us. 395 00:34:34,155 --> 00:34:37,657 - What are you looking for? - My engagement ring. 396 00:34:38,576 --> 00:34:42,412 I took it off to pump my gas, and I thought that I put it in my purse... 397 00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:45,749 ...but it must've fallen out, and I'm late for my flight and... 398 00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:50,003 Well, listen, I'll find your ring, and I'll FedEx it to you. 399 00:34:50,505 --> 00:34:52,005 I'll give you a reward. 400 00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,381 Don't be silly. 401 00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:57,511 Three thousand dollars. It's worth more than my car. 402 00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,055 Just give me your number. 403 00:35:01,390 --> 00:35:03,183 Yeah. I'll find it. 404 00:35:03,684 --> 00:35:05,727 Yeah, I'll start looking for it right now. 405 00:35:05,895 --> 00:35:08,188 Because I got nothing else to do. 406 00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:10,273 I was engaged once... 407 00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,692 ...but I'm single now. 408 00:35:15,071 --> 00:35:16,530 Bye-bye. 409 00:35:19,367 --> 00:35:21,701 Hope you make your flight. 410 00:35:27,333 --> 00:35:29,292 No, but I know it's around here somewhere. 411 00:35:29,460 --> 00:35:31,878 She's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. 412 00:35:35,550 --> 00:35:37,050 Let me call you back. 413 00:35:37,218 --> 00:35:39,761 Hey, you found my ring. 414 00:35:40,555 --> 00:35:43,056 Thanks. I've been looking all over for it. 415 00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,475 - Your ring? - Well, it's my friend's, you know. 416 00:35:45,643 --> 00:35:48,353 - I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward? 417 00:35:48,896 --> 00:35:53,441 Forty, 60, 80, 400. 418 00:35:53,609 --> 00:35:56,570 That's it. That's the whole register. 419 00:35:58,990 --> 00:36:00,448 You made someone very happy. 420 00:36:02,076 --> 00:36:03,118 You too. 421 00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:12,419 Nice. 422 00:36:12,753 --> 00:36:14,504 How many left? 423 00:36:15,590 --> 00:36:17,465 Let me see. 424 00:36:19,802 --> 00:36:21,761 Enough for us to get to California. 425 00:36:22,763 --> 00:36:24,639 Someday, I want a ring this big. 426 00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:26,933 For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. 427 00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:32,314 It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry... 428 00:36:32,481 --> 00:36:33,940 ...and a cutthroat attitude. 429 00:36:34,108 --> 00:36:37,986 I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road. 430 00:36:39,822 --> 00:36:41,781 Thank you, Wichita. Thanks, Little Rock. 431 00:36:47,163 --> 00:36:50,457 For fuck's sake, enough! We're being chased by ravenous freaks! 432 00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:52,626 We don't have enough problems? 433 00:36:52,793 --> 00:36:55,128 "They stole my Hummer. We have trust issues." 434 00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:57,380 We can't just fucking drive down the road... 435 00:36:57,548 --> 00:37:01,176 ...playing I Spy or some shit for hours like four normal-ass Americans? 436 00:37:01,636 --> 00:37:02,969 Fuck me! 437 00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:05,138 I know. 438 00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:08,725 Let me be the mature one. 439 00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:11,645 Good. 440 00:37:22,990 --> 00:37:25,742 So where are you guys headed? 441 00:37:25,952 --> 00:37:28,161 Pacific Playland. 442 00:37:28,329 --> 00:37:29,579 The amusement park? 443 00:37:29,747 --> 00:37:33,083 - Wait, outside L.A.? - Yeah. We went there as kids. 444 00:37:33,251 --> 00:37:35,168 That place totally blows. 445 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,923 My mind. It's so fun. 446 00:37:40,091 --> 00:37:42,842 Just good entertainment for the whole family. 447 00:37:43,010 --> 00:37:47,180 Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact, this probably counts as off-season. 448 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:49,849 Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there. 449 00:37:50,017 --> 00:37:51,393 Yeah, we heard. 450 00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:56,523 You know, I may not shoot you, but you have still royally pissed me off... 451 00:37:56,691 --> 00:38:00,360 ...and I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland. 452 00:38:02,196 --> 00:38:04,864 - Don't worry, he grows on you. - Really? 453 00:38:05,032 --> 00:38:06,574 No. It gets worse. 454 00:38:06,742 --> 00:38:09,202 Okay. How about we play the quiet game? 455 00:38:09,370 --> 00:38:10,870 Yeah? Starting now. 456 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,542 Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you: 457 00:38:15,710 --> 00:38:17,961 Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio? 458 00:38:18,129 --> 00:38:20,422 - You never played the quiet game? - Sorry. 459 00:38:20,589 --> 00:38:22,757 No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus. 460 00:38:22,925 --> 00:38:26,052 It's a total ghost town. It's burned to the ground. 461 00:38:34,812 --> 00:38:35,937 You're Columbus. 462 00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:38,898 I'm sorry. 463 00:38:39,066 --> 00:38:41,651 I didn't realize it was... 464 00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:45,739 I'm not sure what's more tragic: that my family is gone... 465 00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:49,784 ...or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with. 466 00:38:49,952 --> 00:38:53,955 Either way, I can't pretend that what I'm looking for I'll find by going home. 467 00:38:54,123 --> 00:38:56,249 I have no home. 468 00:38:58,461 --> 00:39:02,047 We can get you a ride. 469 00:39:03,341 --> 00:39:06,509 You know, you can go see for yourself... 470 00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:09,095 ...or settle somewhere new. 471 00:39:09,764 --> 00:39:11,139 Okay. 472 00:39:12,266 --> 00:39:14,768 I could tell she knew what I was feeling. 473 00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:18,271 We were all orphans in Zombieland. 474 00:39:31,327 --> 00:39:34,788 I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts... 475 00:39:36,832 --> 00:39:40,335 ...but it's just been so long since she got to be a kid. 476 00:39:40,669 --> 00:39:43,338 Yeah, it's tough growing up in Zombieland. 477 00:39:43,506 --> 00:39:45,882 It's tough growing up. 478 00:39:51,347 --> 00:39:52,680 There. 479 00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:54,682 You could take that truck. 480 00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:04,025 Well, I hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. 481 00:40:06,028 --> 00:40:09,406 And don't let go, once you do. 482 00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,338 It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go. 483 00:40:25,506 --> 00:40:29,217 It was because, in that moment, it became clear. 484 00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:33,847 Wherever this girl was, that's where I wanted to be. 485 00:40:52,408 --> 00:40:57,203 Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. 486 00:40:58,539 --> 00:41:00,540 "Wantum your wampum." Yeah. That'll work. 487 00:41:00,708 --> 00:41:05,378 - Okay, but what the hell are we doing? - Just humor him. Trust me. 488 00:41:16,807 --> 00:41:18,308 Hold up. 489 00:41:19,685 --> 00:41:21,561 Who wants to go first? 490 00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:25,106 I really, really wanna impress Wichita... 491 00:41:25,274 --> 00:41:27,442 ...but it would be in violation of rule 17... 492 00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:30,320 ...maybe the most important rule of all: Don't be a hero. 493 00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:35,450 - Why don't you take this one? - Don't mind if I do. 494 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,175 What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? 495 00:41:53,594 --> 00:41:55,595 Close, but no cigar. Kill of the week... 496 00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,264 ...goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker. 497 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:04,771 Poor flat bastard. 498 00:42:27,169 --> 00:42:29,128 - Perfume? - What? 499 00:42:29,296 --> 00:42:31,381 Is that perfume? 500 00:42:32,466 --> 00:42:33,800 It's cologne. 501 00:42:33,968 --> 00:42:36,135 I'm thinking... 502 00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:37,512 ...Lancôme Magnifique. 503 00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,472 Why don't you speak up a little? 504 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:42,141 I think they might have missed it in Santa Fe. 505 00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,814 - Oh, my God. - All right. Okay. 506 00:42:48,649 --> 00:42:51,359 You're thinking about fucking Wichita. 507 00:42:52,486 --> 00:42:56,072 Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. 508 00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:58,700 Hey. 509 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:01,911 Good luck now, Petunia. 510 00:43:08,877 --> 00:43:10,503 Okay. 511 00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:14,424 Let me begin by saying you're a wonderful human with great potential. 512 00:43:14,592 --> 00:43:20,013 It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. 513 00:43:20,889 --> 00:43:25,518 - I'm sure. - You get 45 percent power. 514 00:43:25,686 --> 00:43:27,020 Thank you. 515 00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:31,399 Yeah. Come on, break another one. 516 00:43:35,696 --> 00:43:37,322 Nice. 517 00:43:40,117 --> 00:43:41,367 Doesn't that feel good? 518 00:44:31,085 --> 00:44:34,128 Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things... 519 00:44:35,506 --> 00:44:38,591 ...even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things. 520 00:44:41,762 --> 00:44:44,097 Smells like perfume. 521 00:44:46,475 --> 00:44:49,936 - You don't know who Willie Nelson is? - No. 522 00:44:50,938 --> 00:44:52,355 Willie Nelson? 523 00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:54,440 Yeah, no, I don't. 524 00:44:54,817 --> 00:44:59,153 I shave every morning, but sometimes by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing. 525 00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:02,323 It's called 5:00 shadow, but sometimes I'll get it prematurely. 526 00:45:02,491 --> 00:45:06,452 Since it's a freeway, you can get it up to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75. 527 00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:10,373 - You don't wanna go more than 20. - Don't worry about a blind spot. 528 00:45:10,541 --> 00:45:12,542 Blind spots are for other drivers. 529 00:45:12,710 --> 00:45:15,378 It's like the first time that I've ever driven. 530 00:45:15,546 --> 00:45:19,716 So do you never strap in or it's just on long road trips? 531 00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:24,470 It's just there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries... 532 00:45:24,638 --> 00:45:26,681 - Yeah, that's true. ...is seat belts. 533 00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,015 Yes, but, no, she's not. 534 00:45:28,183 --> 00:45:31,644 She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig. 535 00:45:31,812 --> 00:45:34,188 - Right. Only wig. - So... 536 00:45:38,152 --> 00:45:40,236 It's kind of freeing. 537 00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:42,321 Yeah. 538 00:45:44,032 --> 00:45:48,244 For the first time in a long time, we were having fun. 539 00:45:48,454 --> 00:45:50,830 So even though it ran counter to our strategies... 540 00:45:50,998 --> 00:45:53,833 ...we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland. 541 00:46:22,863 --> 00:46:26,199 I think sleep deprivation is the number one health problem in America. 542 00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:28,618 Well, now I think it might be number two. 543 00:46:29,244 --> 00:46:32,288 - Number two. - That's adorable. 544 00:46:32,498 --> 00:46:35,708 - I think we should find a place to crash. - Oh, I got an idea. 545 00:46:35,876 --> 00:46:39,545 We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. 546 00:46:44,510 --> 00:46:46,260 Grab a map. 547 00:46:52,267 --> 00:46:53,810 Come on. 548 00:46:54,019 --> 00:46:55,812 Hurry! Hurry! 549 00:46:56,021 --> 00:46:58,064 Good job. 550 00:47:03,654 --> 00:47:06,823 Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block. 551 00:47:07,032 --> 00:47:10,451 What exactly you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally? 552 00:47:10,911 --> 00:47:13,120 I pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer. 553 00:47:13,288 --> 00:47:17,333 B-lister compared to who I got in mind, folks. 554 00:47:17,543 --> 00:47:20,586 We're going to the tippy-top of the A-list. 555 00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:22,588 - Who? - You'll see. 556 00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:30,596 Hey. There's a big BM. 557 00:47:31,974 --> 00:47:33,808 And it ain't Bob Marley. 558 00:47:40,607 --> 00:47:43,067 This place is incredible. 559 00:47:53,203 --> 00:47:59,375 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to la mançion de Murray. 560 00:47:59,585 --> 00:48:02,295 - Bill Murray. - God, no way. 561 00:48:02,462 --> 00:48:05,965 This guy has a direct line to my funny bone. 562 00:48:06,133 --> 00:48:08,009 - Everything... - Wait. Who's Bill Murray? 563 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:09,886 Hey, I've never hit a kid before. 564 00:48:11,471 --> 00:48:13,973 All right? I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is. 565 00:48:14,683 --> 00:48:16,392 Who's Gandhi? 566 00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:18,811 She's 12. 567 00:48:21,899 --> 00:48:23,900 - No Twinkies. - Shit, fuck! 568 00:48:24,109 --> 00:48:26,569 See? I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's. 569 00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:29,363 - No one listens to me. - Hello, inside voices. Okay? 570 00:48:29,531 --> 00:48:31,198 At least until we know we're alone. 571 00:48:31,366 --> 00:48:34,327 Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way. Little Rock, come here. 572 00:48:34,494 --> 00:48:36,871 Why do I get stuck with her? 573 00:48:40,167 --> 00:48:42,668 It doesn't seem to end. 574 00:48:48,008 --> 00:48:49,759 Hey, come here. 575 00:48:51,219 --> 00:48:53,930 He has his own movie theater? 576 00:48:57,559 --> 00:49:00,186 Okay, I'm gonna teach you something about Bill Murray. 577 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,732 A king slept right here. 578 00:49:05,859 --> 00:49:08,069 Dibs on the bed. 579 00:49:10,572 --> 00:49:13,282 Too soft for me, anyway. 580 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:23,250 Oh, this is so exciting. You're about to learn who you gonna call. 581 00:49:23,418 --> 00:49:25,711 It's Ghostbusters. 582 00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,815 This is pretty catchy. 583 00:49:46,566 --> 00:49:48,234 Come on. 584 00:49:48,402 --> 00:49:50,736 Help me with the boots. Come on. 585 00:49:50,904 --> 00:49:52,405 Help me with the boots. 586 00:49:52,572 --> 00:49:56,409 Okay. I'll get them myself. 587 00:50:16,221 --> 00:50:18,014 Shit. 588 00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:24,979 Bill Murray, you're a zombie? 589 00:50:31,111 --> 00:50:33,446 I'm on fire! 590 00:50:33,780 --> 00:50:35,865 You're not a zombie, you're talking, and... 591 00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:38,868 - You're okay? - The hell I am! 592 00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:42,705 I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was "you" you. 593 00:50:42,873 --> 00:50:44,874 Are you...? What's with the get-up? 594 00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:47,793 Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. 595 00:50:47,961 --> 00:50:50,004 Zombies don't mess with other zombies. 596 00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,298 Buddy of mine showed me how to do this. 597 00:50:52,466 --> 00:50:55,801 Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. 598 00:50:55,969 --> 00:50:59,555 Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. 599 00:50:59,765 --> 00:51:03,726 Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there. 600 00:51:03,894 --> 00:51:08,147 Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! 601 00:51:08,315 --> 00:51:10,524 I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. 602 00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:14,737 This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. 603 00:51:14,905 --> 00:51:17,656 Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. 604 00:51:17,824 --> 00:51:19,158 I mean, I swear, you know... 605 00:51:19,326 --> 00:51:22,495 ...l've seen every one of your movies a million times. 606 00:51:22,662 --> 00:51:27,500 I even love your dramatic roles and just everything. 607 00:51:27,667 --> 00:51:31,504 Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray! 608 00:51:31,671 --> 00:51:35,341 I know that's not your middle name. I been watching you since I was like... 609 00:51:35,509 --> 00:51:39,011 Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. 610 00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:42,431 "A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion." 611 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,188 Well, that's why we do it. 612 00:51:50,357 --> 00:51:52,358 I love you, Bill. I love you. 613 00:51:52,609 --> 00:51:54,026 I thank you. 614 00:51:54,361 --> 00:51:55,569 Thank you. 615 00:51:56,029 --> 00:51:58,364 You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece. 616 00:51:58,532 --> 00:52:02,034 I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen. 617 00:52:02,202 --> 00:52:03,536 I just saw Eddie Van Halen. 618 00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:05,704 - Really? - Yeah. 619 00:52:05,872 --> 00:52:08,082 - Where? How was that? - At the Hollywood Bowl. 620 00:52:08,250 --> 00:52:09,583 He's a zombie. 621 00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:11,752 That's a tough break. 622 00:52:11,920 --> 00:52:14,588 So how about a little West Coast hospitality? 623 00:52:14,756 --> 00:52:17,550 Can I get you something? What would you like? 624 00:52:28,937 --> 00:52:31,147 Smooth, isn't it? 625 00:52:31,356 --> 00:52:34,733 Oh, hurry. Hurry, he's on the ceiling. 626 00:52:34,901 --> 00:52:38,279 - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier. - Light him up, Ray. 627 00:52:38,446 --> 00:52:42,575 - See you on the other side, Pete. - Oh, he's so disgusting. 628 00:52:42,742 --> 00:52:45,619 - Looks like Slimer. - Don't cross the streams! 629 00:52:45,787 --> 00:52:47,830 - I don't wanna cross... - Oh, no, he's awful. 630 00:52:47,998 --> 00:52:50,457 Don't cross the streams! 631 00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:56,422 Thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds. 632 00:52:56,590 --> 00:52:57,756 That's a big Twinkie. 633 00:52:58,425 --> 00:53:00,259 Your sister is single, right? 634 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,928 There's nothing long distance or anything? 635 00:53:03,096 --> 00:53:04,889 - No. - Oh, good, good. 636 00:53:05,891 --> 00:53:08,934 And if she had, like, a type, you know... 637 00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:12,146 ...if you can have a type, what would that be, you think? 638 00:53:12,314 --> 00:53:14,607 She kind of goes for, like, bad boys. 639 00:53:14,774 --> 00:53:16,025 - Really? - Yeah. 640 00:53:16,193 --> 00:53:17,776 That's cool. 641 00:53:17,944 --> 00:53:19,528 What? 642 00:53:21,448 --> 00:53:26,160 - So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah. He's like a little bunny. 643 00:53:26,953 --> 00:53:28,704 I'll get him. 644 00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:32,917 Watch this. 645 00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:42,801 No. 646 00:53:42,969 --> 00:53:45,012 No, no, it's okay, it's okay. 647 00:53:45,180 --> 00:53:47,014 I got him. 648 00:53:51,311 --> 00:53:54,480 Is that how you say hello where you come from? 649 00:53:55,148 --> 00:53:56,482 Oh, my God. 650 00:53:56,650 --> 00:53:59,568 Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray. 651 00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:05,449 - Mr. Murray? - I'm just Bill, I think, now. 652 00:54:06,159 --> 00:54:08,327 - Bill? - Yeah? 653 00:54:08,495 --> 00:54:11,705 I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. 654 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,501 That's still tender. 655 00:54:15,669 --> 00:54:17,461 You think you might pull through? 656 00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,174 No. 657 00:54:22,342 --> 00:54:25,386 If it means anything now, I am so sorry. 658 00:54:25,553 --> 00:54:27,513 It was just instinctive. 659 00:54:27,681 --> 00:54:29,390 It was my bad. 660 00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,851 I was never a very good practical joker. 661 00:54:33,395 --> 00:54:35,521 So do you have any regrets? 662 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:40,526 Garfield, maybe. 663 00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:08,012 I'm sorry, he just gets me. 664 00:55:09,556 --> 00:55:11,390 - But it still is sad. - Yeah. 665 00:55:14,394 --> 00:55:17,062 - Okay. - Oh, shit. 666 00:55:18,064 --> 00:55:20,065 Okay. Okay. 667 00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:23,569 Okay. Shit. Okay. 668 00:55:32,078 --> 00:55:37,624 Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel. Sorry. 669 00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:39,335 Okay. 670 00:55:44,257 --> 00:55:48,260 Three, two, one. 671 00:55:49,346 --> 00:55:50,971 - You guys want some Purell? - Yes. 672 00:55:51,139 --> 00:55:52,264 - Please. - Yeah. 673 00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:53,640 Around the world. 674 00:55:57,812 --> 00:55:59,313 Yes. 675 00:56:00,690 --> 00:56:02,816 - Oh, free parking. - Yeah. 676 00:56:02,984 --> 00:56:05,444 Which is the best thing about Zombieland. 677 00:56:05,612 --> 00:56:08,489 No, best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. 678 00:56:08,656 --> 00:56:11,533 You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." 679 00:56:11,701 --> 00:56:15,829 - Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing. 680 00:56:15,997 --> 00:56:19,375 - Epic. - And the worst thing about Z-land? 681 00:56:19,584 --> 00:56:22,127 You mean, other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray? 682 00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,463 That's easy. Losing Buck. 683 00:56:25,465 --> 00:56:27,299 That's his puppy. 684 00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:31,720 I'm gonna tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Buck. 685 00:56:31,888 --> 00:56:35,974 He was just... The day he was born, I just lost my mind. 686 00:56:38,144 --> 00:56:39,144 Sorry. 687 00:56:40,814 --> 00:56:43,315 We were two peas. 688 00:56:43,483 --> 00:56:49,488 He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite. 689 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:50,823 Laugh? 690 00:56:50,990 --> 00:56:54,660 That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long... 691 00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:56,829 Me, with the best cardio in the business. 692 00:56:56,996 --> 00:56:59,748 - to realize I wasn't the only one running from something. 693 00:57:06,214 --> 00:57:10,384 Oh, there it is. There you go. 694 00:57:10,552 --> 00:57:14,138 Oh, you like the syrup. Yes. 695 00:57:15,348 --> 00:57:17,057 Okay. 696 00:57:24,023 --> 00:57:27,192 We made this wallet together out of duct tape. 697 00:57:33,032 --> 00:57:34,283 Take away a man's son... 698 00:57:34,784 --> 00:57:37,244 ...you've truly given him nothing left to lose. 699 00:57:47,797 --> 00:57:51,550 I haven't cried like that since Titanic. 700 00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:11,403 Hi. 701 00:58:32,425 --> 00:58:33,634 A hint. 702 00:58:34,594 --> 00:58:41,725 Why don't you exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger? 703 00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:16,677 Don't make me drink alone. 704 00:59:16,844 --> 00:59:18,637 Okay. 705 00:59:24,143 --> 00:59:29,481 It's a 1997 Georges? 706 00:59:29,649 --> 00:59:33,694 I never took French. Georges de Latour? I don't know. 707 00:59:33,861 --> 00:59:37,155 - Oh, it's a '97? - Yeah. 708 00:59:37,323 --> 00:59:39,658 - Was that a good year? - Oh, my God. 709 00:59:39,826 --> 00:59:41,368 It was great. Are you kidding me? 710 00:59:41,536 --> 00:59:45,205 I saw my first R-rated movie that year. 711 00:59:45,373 --> 00:59:48,542 - Yeah, Anaconda. - Anaconda. 712 00:59:50,086 --> 00:59:52,421 First tattoo, porpoise. 713 00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:54,673 - Really? - Fake. 714 00:59:55,008 --> 00:59:57,009 First kiss. 715 00:59:57,802 --> 00:59:59,011 Scotty Lynch. 716 00:59:59,596 --> 01:00:02,306 You guys used tongue? 717 01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,019 Maybe. 718 01:00:07,854 --> 01:00:09,438 You jealous of Scotty Lynch? 719 01:00:11,357 --> 01:00:13,525 Yes, I am. 720 01:00:13,693 --> 01:00:18,196 Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. 721 01:00:18,364 --> 01:00:20,198 Let's see. 722 01:00:22,201 --> 01:00:24,536 Mine, first orthodontist. 723 01:00:24,704 --> 01:00:27,789 The bastard gave me headgear. Yeah. I got my first B. 724 01:00:27,957 --> 01:00:29,875 Oh, no. 725 01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,586 Frightening as Anaconda. 726 01:00:33,379 --> 01:00:36,757 In wood shop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. 727 01:00:36,924 --> 01:00:38,550 No. 728 01:00:39,552 --> 01:00:42,054 Had my first school dance. Oh, thank you. 729 01:00:42,221 --> 01:00:46,350 It was a Sadie Hawkins, so girls' choice, you know. 730 01:00:49,562 --> 01:00:53,231 - What, and nobody picked you? - It was girls' choice. 731 01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:55,817 - Those bitches. - I know. 732 01:00:55,985 --> 01:00:58,904 No, I will not stand for this. No. You know what? 733 01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:05,410 On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to make it up to you. 734 01:01:08,164 --> 01:01:09,289 Relax. 735 01:01:09,457 --> 01:01:11,792 Scotty's old news. 736 01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:51,623 I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. 737 01:01:51,791 --> 01:01:56,211 You know, between you, me and What About Bob? 738 01:01:57,797 --> 01:01:59,548 ...you're actually kind of cute. 739 01:01:59,716 --> 01:02:00,799 You think so? 740 01:02:02,009 --> 01:02:03,343 Yeah. 741 01:02:04,137 --> 01:02:06,805 I mean, you got the guts of a guppy... 742 01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,808 ...but I could hit that. 743 01:02:13,312 --> 01:02:15,230 Really? 744 01:02:15,732 --> 01:02:19,234 Or at least give you the intentional walk to first. 745 01:02:29,579 --> 01:02:32,456 Hey, a little help moving the couch? 746 01:02:33,082 --> 01:02:35,000 We're making a fort. 747 01:02:40,047 --> 01:02:42,090 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's probably for the best. 748 01:02:42,258 --> 01:02:44,092 - Right. - Because... 749 01:02:46,012 --> 01:02:47,679 ...I like you... 750 01:02:47,847 --> 01:02:50,432 ...Columbus, but my sister and I... 751 01:02:50,600 --> 01:02:53,894 ...are gonna do whatever it takes to survive, so... 752 01:03:05,072 --> 01:03:07,783 I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get... 753 01:03:07,992 --> 01:03:10,452 ...but I realized she had more trust issues than I... 754 01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:14,372 ...when I woke up the next day and she was leaving. 755 01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:20,253 You are like a giant cock-blocking robot... 756 01:03:20,421 --> 01:03:23,590 ...like, developed in a secret fucking government lab. 757 01:03:24,050 --> 01:03:25,550 Hey. 758 01:03:25,718 --> 01:03:28,386 I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? 759 01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,306 - Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me. 760 01:03:32,058 --> 01:03:34,309 Yeah. You and me. 761 01:03:47,907 --> 01:03:50,283 You have just survived the zombie apocalypse... 762 01:03:50,451 --> 01:03:52,452 ...and drove halfway across the country. 763 01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:54,120 Where are you gonna go? 764 01:03:54,288 --> 01:03:57,457 I'm going to Pacific Playland. 765 01:04:16,143 --> 01:04:18,687 Open sesame. 766 01:04:28,197 --> 01:04:31,157 This is the problem with getting attached to someone. 767 01:04:31,325 --> 01:04:33,952 When they leave you, you just feel lost. 768 01:04:34,120 --> 01:04:36,288 Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me... 769 01:04:36,455 --> 01:04:38,123 ...it just made me feel more alone. 770 01:04:38,291 --> 01:04:42,002 Hey. You weren't exactly gonna score, anyway. 771 01:04:42,169 --> 01:04:45,589 You know, you weren't storming the trenches before I came along. 772 01:04:47,592 --> 01:04:50,802 That's why I don't let people close. You only get burned. 773 01:04:50,970 --> 01:04:52,012 You don't say. 774 01:04:54,140 --> 01:04:55,640 Mexico. 775 01:04:55,808 --> 01:04:59,394 You know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? 776 01:05:00,021 --> 01:05:04,232 - That's where I'm headed, amigo. - Whatever. 777 01:05:59,372 --> 01:06:00,789 - Oh, my God. - I know. 778 01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:02,791 - This is really fun. Oh, my God. - Yeah. 779 01:06:27,900 --> 01:06:29,693 Oh, no. 780 01:06:32,905 --> 01:06:34,406 I'm going after Wichita. 781 01:06:34,573 --> 01:06:38,118 Look, you ever read that book She's Just Not That Into You? 782 01:06:38,285 --> 01:06:40,245 You can't make yourself too available. 783 01:06:40,413 --> 01:06:43,081 I don't care, all right? I wanna be with her. 784 01:06:43,457 --> 01:06:45,709 Have fun in Mexico. 785 01:06:50,756 --> 01:06:52,424 Come on. Hurry. 786 01:06:56,637 --> 01:06:57,846 Get in. 787 01:07:06,939 --> 01:07:08,940 Come on, go. 788 01:07:10,484 --> 01:07:11,776 Go, go. 789 01:07:24,790 --> 01:07:28,752 On the count of three. One, two, three. 790 01:07:43,476 --> 01:07:46,186 You okay? Come on. Hurry, get up. 791 01:07:46,353 --> 01:07:47,562 - Come on, let's go. - Yeah. 792 01:07:53,486 --> 01:07:55,278 There. 793 01:08:14,340 --> 01:08:18,218 I'm not great at farewells, so... 794 01:08:19,929 --> 01:08:21,054 ...that'll do, pig. 795 01:08:22,014 --> 01:08:24,057 That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard... 796 01:08:24,225 --> 01:08:26,351 ...and you stole it from a movie. 797 01:08:29,522 --> 01:08:31,689 Tell the ladies I said hey. 798 01:08:31,857 --> 01:08:34,442 You know, their pictures were in someone's wallet too. 799 01:09:00,052 --> 01:09:01,886 Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. 800 01:09:02,346 --> 01:09:06,224 - Let's go ride the roller coaster. - Thanks. 801 01:09:16,235 --> 01:09:17,902 Go! 802 01:10:17,838 --> 01:10:19,339 Not as fun as I remember. 803 01:10:25,179 --> 01:10:27,430 Shoot the control box. 804 01:10:59,880 --> 01:11:01,172 - Columbus? - Tallahassee? 805 01:11:01,340 --> 01:11:05,927 I think they might actually require our assistance this time. 806 01:11:06,095 --> 01:11:09,847 - Buckle up. - Yeah. I'm way ahead of you. 807 01:11:11,558 --> 01:11:14,060 Time to nut up or shut up. 808 01:11:18,482 --> 01:11:20,024 Holy shit. 809 01:11:42,047 --> 01:11:46,426 My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. 810 01:11:46,593 --> 01:11:49,053 Who'd have guessed that would be zombie killing? 811 01:11:49,221 --> 01:11:50,221 Probably nobody. 812 01:11:51,765 --> 01:11:53,391 Look. 813 01:11:56,145 --> 01:11:58,813 We better start working on our apology. 814 01:12:13,245 --> 01:12:15,913 Oh, no. No. 815 01:12:23,172 --> 01:12:24,255 - Hey! - Hey! 816 01:12:24,423 --> 01:12:25,757 - Hey! Ohio! - Over here! 817 01:12:25,924 --> 01:12:27,925 - Hey! Help! - Help! 818 01:12:28,093 --> 01:12:30,595 - Oh, my God. - Help! 819 01:12:30,763 --> 01:12:32,180 Hey! 820 01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:34,265 Help! 821 01:12:34,433 --> 01:12:37,602 - Hey, they're up there. They're okay. - What are you waiting for? 822 01:12:37,770 --> 01:12:38,811 That's your gal. 823 01:12:40,814 --> 01:12:42,065 - Over here! - Help! 824 01:12:44,777 --> 01:12:48,279 Come on! Come get a piece of Tallahassee! 825 01:12:48,447 --> 01:12:50,448 Anybody hungry? 826 01:12:50,616 --> 01:12:55,286 Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on! 827 01:12:55,454 --> 01:12:57,997 Come on, you ugly bastards! 828 01:13:15,891 --> 01:13:20,978 Holy shit. 829 01:13:21,146 --> 01:13:22,855 Hey! 830 01:13:48,382 --> 01:13:49,507 Motherfucker! 831 01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:23,458 Shit. I'm out of shells. 832 01:14:27,212 --> 01:14:28,379 Bingo. 833 01:14:36,889 --> 01:14:38,264 Yeah! 834 01:14:39,183 --> 01:14:40,433 Oh, yeah. 835 01:14:50,402 --> 01:14:52,111 Here we go. 836 01:17:23,847 --> 01:17:25,389 Oh, shit. 837 01:17:26,642 --> 01:17:29,435 - Wichita! Little Rock! - Hurry! 838 01:17:32,564 --> 01:17:34,649 Oh, my God. 839 01:17:34,858 --> 01:17:36,942 Look at this fucking clown. 840 01:17:40,155 --> 01:17:42,948 Of course. It had to be a clown. 841 01:17:43,116 --> 01:17:45,076 Fuck. 842 01:17:46,411 --> 01:17:49,914 No, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita... 843 01:17:50,082 --> 01:17:51,916 ...for me to finally understand... 844 01:17:53,418 --> 01:17:55,336 ...that some rules are made to be broken. 845 01:17:59,174 --> 01:18:00,591 Time to nut up or shut up. 846 01:18:05,097 --> 01:18:07,014 Fuck this clown. 847 01:18:51,143 --> 01:18:52,727 - Thanks. - Hey. 848 01:18:52,936 --> 01:18:56,147 Get your gun. Here you go. Hi. 849 01:18:56,648 --> 01:18:57,857 Okay. 850 01:19:06,825 --> 01:19:09,034 Krista. 851 01:19:42,360 --> 01:19:46,113 Okay. We should probably head out now. 852 01:19:50,577 --> 01:19:52,912 Finally got to first base. 853 01:19:53,079 --> 01:19:56,373 Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. 854 01:20:03,799 --> 01:20:05,758 Where's Florida? 855 01:20:09,429 --> 01:20:11,055 I have a little hunch. 856 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:16,560 Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards? 857 01:20:16,728 --> 01:20:18,229 - Where are you? - Yo. 858 01:20:23,235 --> 01:20:25,236 False advertising. 859 01:20:28,824 --> 01:20:30,241 Jesus Christ. 860 01:20:31,910 --> 01:20:33,744 You want a Sno Ball or something? 861 01:21:00,647 --> 01:21:02,940 Oh, God. 862 01:21:08,947 --> 01:21:11,949 Words cannot express. 863 01:21:12,576 --> 01:21:13,617 It's too soon. 864 01:21:13,785 --> 01:21:17,788 Do you think you could maybe just pick out the buckshot and eat around it? 865 01:21:17,956 --> 01:21:20,499 Okay, yeah. 866 01:21:21,376 --> 01:21:23,294 No! 867 01:21:23,461 --> 01:21:25,880 - No! - No! 868 01:21:28,633 --> 01:21:29,842 That face? 869 01:21:30,010 --> 01:21:33,345 That's me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck... 870 01:21:34,806 --> 01:21:37,474 ...and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket... 871 01:21:37,851 --> 01:21:40,394 ...they were the closest to something I'd always wanted... 872 01:21:40,562 --> 01:21:41,854 ...but never really had. 873 01:21:42,480 --> 01:21:43,981 A family. 874 01:21:44,149 --> 01:21:46,859 I trusted them and they trusted me. 875 01:21:50,530 --> 01:21:52,865 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 876 01:21:54,242 --> 01:21:56,076 Tallahassee got his Twinkie. 877 01:21:56,244 --> 01:22:00,414 And even though life would never be simple or innocent again... 878 01:22:00,624 --> 01:22:03,751 ...as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream... 879 01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:06,629 ...we had hope. We had each other. 880 01:22:08,006 --> 01:22:12,551 And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie. 881 01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,553 - Thank you so much. - You had us going. 882 01:22:14,721 --> 01:22:16,555 Yeah. 883 01:22:18,558 --> 01:22:20,184 That was very funny. 884 01:22:20,352 --> 01:22:21,852 So until next time, remember: 885 01:22:22,020 --> 01:22:25,022 Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything... 886 01:22:25,190 --> 01:22:27,858 ...but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. 887 01:22:29,527 --> 01:22:34,365 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland, saying good night. 888 01:26:58,338 --> 01:27:03,467 In the words of the immortal Jean-Paul Sartre... 889 01:27:08,473 --> 01:27:11,516 In the... In the immortal... How do you do it? 890 01:27:11,684 --> 01:27:13,018 Just give me a little hint. 891 01:27:13,186 --> 01:27:19,691 In the words of the immortal philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre... 892 01:27:20,735 --> 01:27:22,653 ...au revoir, gopher. 893 01:27:22,820 --> 01:27:23,946 Okay.