1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

2
00:02:24,460 --> 00:02:28,263
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.

3
00:02:31,567 --> 00:02:33,636
No, ma'am. It's actually
a lot better than that.

4
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:36,940
Let me... let me pull something up
on my computer really fast.

5
00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:38,773
Oh, there it is.

6
00:02:39,021 --> 00:02:42,524
Did you know that nine
out of ten doctors recommend this

7
00:02:42,624 --> 00:02:44,781
as the only way to quit smoking?

8
00:02:45,181 --> 00:02:49,953
Can you hold on a second? Fuck you!
Fuck! Fuck you. Fuck you, fucker.

9
00:02:50,053 --> 00:02:51,788
- Hey, Tim.
- Oh, hey, Evan.

10
00:02:51,888 --> 00:02:54,758
Have you guys put together the numbers
for Friday's presentation yet?

11
00:02:54,858 --> 00:02:58,261
- What presentation?
- Phallusite. Phallusite presentation.

12
00:02:58,361 --> 00:03:00,897
Phallusite... is that
the bigger dick thing pill...

13
00:03:00,997 --> 00:03:02,946
Natural male enhancement, yeah.

14
00:03:03,046 --> 00:03:05,368
- Right. Does that thing even work?
- It totally works.

15
00:03:05,468 --> 00:03:07,804
- I heard it turns your junk green.
- It still works.

16
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,473
Doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter if it works.

17
00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:13,076
All that matters is that we land
the account, all right?

18
00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:17,113
And then I can remove "acting"
from acting sales manager.

19
00:03:17,413 --> 00:03:20,281
- I'm on it, man. You can count on me.
- Thank you.

20
00:03:22,418 --> 00:03:25,353
Pick it up. Pick up the gun.

21
00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:28,224
- They never...
- Tim.

22
00:03:28,324 --> 00:03:30,643
- Tim.
- I'm on a sales call.

23
00:03:31,034 --> 00:03:33,396
Ma'am, listen, if you're not
gonna buy this, I'm gonna...

24
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:35,131
- You're gonna die.
- Shit!

25
00:03:35,231 --> 00:03:39,135
- Boo! Tagged your ass, pussy.
- You, too? Mike, get to work.

26
00:03:39,235 --> 00:03:42,096
- You owe me 50 bucks.
- Shit!

27
00:03:44,173 --> 00:03:46,641
Hey, can I borrow 50 bucks?

28
00:03:49,845 --> 00:03:52,449
Hey, Evan. Sorry to be a nudge,
but you wouldn't happen to have

29
00:03:52,549 --> 00:03:55,318
that $20 you owe me for the NCAA
tournament pool, would you?

30
00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:57,037
Yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry.

31
00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:59,322
It's been such a bear
collecting from people.

32
00:03:59,422 --> 00:04:03,360
Kinda short on cash this month. My cat
has a cleft palate he needs surgery for.

33
00:04:03,460 --> 00:04:07,929
He's constantly lapping milk
into his eyes. It's really tragic.

34
00:04:11,333 --> 00:04:13,765
Hey, bada-bada-bada...

35
00:04:13,865 --> 00:04:17,722
- That's baseball, dumb ass.
- I'm sorry. Did I fuck up the rules

36
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:20,939
of this well-defined and professional
sport that we just came up with?

37
00:04:21,039 --> 00:04:25,048
Yeah, I'm just saying that this
is clearly a basketball throw.

38
00:04:25,148 --> 00:04:27,484
Okay, but I'm sure someone
has thrown a baseball like that...

39
00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:28,785
Yeah, nobody has ever thrown a baseball.

40
00:04:28,885 --> 00:04:30,553
- In the history of baseball...
- No adult male has.

41
00:04:30,653 --> 00:04:33,654
In the history of baseball,
major league baseball...

42
00:04:34,924 --> 00:04:36,726
- Can I help you?
- Yes, thank you, actually.

43
00:04:36,826 --> 00:04:40,597
I'm supposed to be working
with Evan Sanders today.

44
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,033
- Yeah, he comes in at 9:30.
- It's 10:45.

45
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:46,469
- Look, you can actually see it vibrate.
- Because there's more than one element.

46
00:04:46,569 --> 00:04:48,738
So is Evan here
or should I grab a cubicle...

47
00:04:48,838 --> 00:04:51,875
You'll know when he gets here, okay?
He'll start bugging you for shit.

48
00:04:51,975 --> 00:04:55,061
Now, if you need something to do,
you can get me coffee.

49
00:04:55,161 --> 00:04:58,315
- Aren't you already drinking...
- Hey, sport. You see that garbage over there?

50
00:04:58,415 --> 00:05:02,285
Why don't you grab it and throw it
in the dumpster in the garage.

51
00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:05,946
- Don't we have a janitor who can do that?
- Yeah, well, his time's valuable.

52
00:05:06,546 --> 00:05:08,434
- Goodbye!
- All right.

53
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:11,004
Bye!

54
00:05:12,461 --> 00:05:14,595
Don't waste those.

55
00:05:14,997 --> 00:05:17,618
- Five-five. This is it.
- That's the one.

56
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,910
- This is the one. I can feel it.
- All right. All right.

57
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:25,239
Yes!

58
00:05:52,888 --> 00:05:54,604
Identify yourself, soldier.

59
00:05:55,504 --> 00:05:58,408
I'm Jack, the new intern.

60
00:05:58,908 --> 00:06:00,210
I'm just taking out the trash.

61
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:03,129
- Don't we have a janitor for that?
- You do.

62
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,496
- Jerry.
- Frank.

63
00:06:06,648 --> 00:06:08,883
Follow protocol.

64
00:06:10,819 --> 00:06:12,920
It's my first day.

65
00:06:16,024 --> 00:06:18,268
Thanks for pitching in.

66
00:06:48,524 --> 00:06:50,547
- Screws up his equilibrium.
- What's up, dildos?

67
00:06:50,647 --> 00:06:54,099
Hey there, Andrew.
Sorry to be a Pokety Paul, but...

68
00:06:54,199 --> 00:06:57,200
you wouldn't happen to have that money
you owe me for the NCAA pool, do you?

69
00:06:57,300 --> 00:07:01,530
- Didn't I lose that thing?
- It's not about that. It's about office fun.

70
00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:05,008
My cat's got a cleft palate,
is allergic to some types of air.

71
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:06,376
- Hey, Mike.
- Fuck off!

72
00:07:06,476 --> 00:07:09,012
All right. A little early
for that kind of language,

73
00:07:09,112 --> 00:07:11,281
but tomorrow works for me too, buddy.

74
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:13,283
- All right, well, see you.
- See you, Dave.

75
00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:17,887
Real nice, guys. No one pays Dave,
he's gonna stop running the pools.

76
00:07:17,987 --> 00:07:21,858
No, he's not. It's the only way
anyone ever talks to the guy.

77
00:07:21,958 --> 00:07:25,795
Tim... I thought you were working
on the Phallusite presentation.

78
00:07:25,895 --> 00:07:27,981
What's Phallusite?

79
00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:30,967
You kidding me?
Have you guys done any work today?

80
00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,713
No.

81
00:07:33,785 --> 00:07:36,022
- Hey, boys.
- Hey!

82
00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:39,959
Damn! For head of HR,
you look fucking sexy.

83
00:07:40,059 --> 00:07:42,028
Too kind, too kind.

84
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:45,846
- Mandy, can we please talk?
- Don't call me Mandy.

85
00:07:48,751 --> 00:07:51,353
Andrew, how was your weekend?

86
00:07:51,453 --> 00:07:54,858
- It was good. I banged my neighbor.
- Finally. All right!

87
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:57,126
Wait, you're talking about
the hot Ukrainian chick?

88
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:58,494
It was actually her mom.

89
00:07:58,594 --> 00:08:01,397
- That's decent. Proud of you.
- Mandy.

90
00:08:01,497 --> 00:08:04,767
Please, can we talk privately?
Just somewhere else.

91
00:08:04,867 --> 00:08:08,004
Why? This is a corporate break room.

92
00:08:08,104 --> 00:08:10,640
Since we just have
a business relationship,

93
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:13,776
then... whatever it is
that you need to say to me,

94
00:08:13,876 --> 00:08:18,887
you can say in front of all of our
business associates. Right?

95
00:08:19,848 --> 00:08:23,453
Okay, fine. All right.
Look, what happened... What I...

96
00:08:23,553 --> 00:08:26,156
I should have said, okay, is that...

97
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:30,123
Hey, congratulations on that NCAA pool.

98
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:34,962
Yeah, thanks. You know, I actually
hate Duke, but they win, so...

99
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:40,902
Well...

100
00:08:42,604 --> 00:08:45,074
You guys have a great day.

101
00:08:45,474 --> 00:08:48,645
Except for you.
Hope yours is a horrible piece of shit.

102
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:52,746
- Well, not if yours isn't first.
- Right.

103
00:08:53,648 --> 00:08:57,225
Hey, I don't want to overstep
my bounds, but what the fuck?

104
00:08:57,325 --> 00:08:59,756
- Jesus!
- I don't want to talk about it.

105
00:08:59,856 --> 00:09:02,909
Okay, that was just really
uncomfortable, that was like...

106
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:06,160
I will. I know the story.
I'll totally talk about it.

107
00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:12,466
So, they're together.
Just the two of them, right?

108
00:09:15,471 --> 00:09:17,238
Evan.

109
00:09:18,774 --> 00:09:20,808
I love you.

110
00:09:22,377 --> 00:09:24,311
No.

111
00:09:29,785 --> 00:09:32,335
How could you just say no?

112
00:09:32,435 --> 00:09:35,592
You could have said anything else,
like literally anything.

113
00:09:35,692 --> 00:09:41,331
I can't even wrap my brain
around the way, like, you would say no.

114
00:09:41,431 --> 00:09:43,366
Fire! This could have been the one time

115
00:09:43,466 --> 00:09:45,101
- you could have said fire.
- No.

116
00:09:45,201 --> 00:09:47,203
You could've called her a bitch,
and that would have been better.

117
00:09:47,303 --> 00:09:49,192
- Just silence, just...
- No.

118
00:09:49,292 --> 00:09:52,590
You could have spoken in tongues.
You could have...

119
00:09:54,444 --> 00:09:56,646
- Not even English. German!
- <i>Nein.</i>

120
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:59,449
I get it, okay. I get it. I understand.

121
00:09:59,549 --> 00:10:02,719
Yes, I screwed up.
I understand that, okay?

122
00:10:02,819 --> 00:10:06,422
It just kind of came out, guys.
I don't know what happened.

123
00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,224
I just screwed up.

124
00:10:08,324 --> 00:10:12,586
You did screw up, man.
She is the coolest girl ever.

125
00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:16,232
I mean, remember when she kicked
all of our asses at paintball?

126
00:10:16,332 --> 00:10:19,569
- Why did she have all that camo on her face?
- Unreal.

127
00:10:19,669 --> 00:10:22,271
Honestly, I bet dating her
is like dating a guy.

128
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:27,407
Who is like a hot chick
that has a... you know, like a penis.

129
00:10:28,610 --> 00:10:29,879
So, not a girl?

130
00:10:30,917 --> 00:10:34,284
No, still a girl.
Did you not listen to what I just said?

131
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,248
- All right.
- No, it's a hot girl with a beautiful penis...

132
00:10:37,348 --> 00:10:40,723
but she's still... she's still a chick.
She just has guy parts.

133
00:10:40,823 --> 00:10:44,494
- I get where you're going.
- It's a feminine penis.

134
00:10:44,594 --> 00:10:46,829
What if it was a guy with a vagina?

135
00:10:46,929 --> 00:10:49,014
He makes a good point.

136
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:52,869
- I'm an idiot.
- Yeah.

137
00:10:52,969 --> 00:10:54,540
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

138
00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:59,659
You know, you and me,
a couple of margaritas.

139
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:03,680
- That is so offensive.
- Why? That isn't racist.

140
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:05,648
I know it's not racist.
I like margaritas.

141
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:08,849
I'm just offended
that you think I would date you.

142
00:11:10,153 --> 00:11:13,022
Has anyone seen Andrew? Andrew!

143
00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:17,744
Hey, Andrew, could you please get
your phone? It's ringing off the hook, man.

144
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:23,032
Probably one of my...
man-like 15 female suitors.

145
00:11:23,132 --> 00:11:27,203
- Your suitors are man-like?
- No, no, no. I mean, man-like man!

146
00:11:27,303 --> 00:11:31,474
Not man like man-like. You know,
man like man-like...

147
00:11:31,574 --> 00:11:34,823
Stop saying "man-like."
Could you get your phone?

148
00:11:34,923 --> 00:11:38,815
It's probably a sales call.
Probably a business-related sales call.

149
00:11:38,915 --> 00:11:43,352
I'll give you
the business-related later.

150
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,754
I'll talk to him, okay?

151
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:49,607
I heard what happened
with you and Amanda breaking up.

152
00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:52,015
Oh, you heard about that?

153
00:11:52,115 --> 00:11:56,764
Yeah, well, she's the head of HR,
and she put out a memo.

154
00:12:01,269 --> 00:12:03,173
- I...
- All right.

155
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,708
Andrew, get the phone!

156
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:09,012
- Evan. Can I bend your ear?
- Yeah. Hey.

157
00:12:09,112 --> 00:12:12,048
How's the presentation coming?
You're gonna be ready by Friday?

158
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:15,318
Yeah, Friday. Yeah, sure, Ted. Yeah.

159
00:12:15,418 --> 00:12:16,981
Yeah, we need this account, Evan.

160
00:12:17,081 --> 00:12:20,847
Sales have been bad,
but if we land this fish,

161
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:23,392
- you'll save all our asses.
- Yeah.

162
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:27,630
I know male enhancement isn't the most
glamorous product in the world but...

163
00:12:27,730 --> 00:12:31,200
No. My sources tell me
it works actually.

164
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,871
Tell me if you need anything, 'cause
it's all hands on deck on this one.

165
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:36,406
Yeah.

166
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,941
I'm making a pretty big
announcement today

167
00:12:39,041 --> 00:12:41,544
about the next phase
of our company's future.

168
00:12:41,644 --> 00:12:46,009
I need to know you're gonna be
a team player, no matter what.

169
00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:50,954
- Yeah. Yeah, Ted. You can count on me.
- Okay.

170
00:12:51,554 --> 00:12:54,655
- My office, ten minutes.
- All right.

171
00:13:10,072 --> 00:13:14,509
Hey, guys. Guys, guess what? I think
Ted's gonna make me sales manager.

172
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:17,814
Bam! Snap!

173
00:13:18,014 --> 00:13:19,113
What?

174
00:13:20,982 --> 00:13:24,954
Bam, snap. It's like,
a new catchphrase I'm trying.

175
00:13:25,354 --> 00:13:28,291
- Yeah, it's not really working.
- It's a work in progress.

176
00:13:28,691 --> 00:13:30,413
- I love it.
- Thank you, Mike.

177
00:13:30,513 --> 00:13:33,162
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- I'm still working on the inflection but...

178
00:13:33,262 --> 00:13:34,997
- Ted's office in 10.
- It's a catchphrase.

179
00:13:35,097 --> 00:13:38,334
- I feel like everyone needs one in the office.
- Yeah, it's good though.

180
00:13:38,434 --> 00:13:41,704
Yeah. We really need to start
bringing fruit into this.

181
00:13:41,804 --> 00:13:43,574
- We can eat it.
- I'm not ready for fruit.

182
00:13:48,778 --> 00:13:52,048
Hey, Amanda. Mandy. Amanda.

183
00:13:52,739 --> 00:13:57,219
Sorry. Sorry to bother you,
but Ted wants everyone in his office.

184
00:13:57,719 --> 00:14:00,656
He's got an announcement
to make, I guess.

185
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,485
- Okay, got it.
- Okay.

186
00:14:04,926 --> 00:14:07,197
I think he's gonna make me
sales manager.

187
00:14:07,997 --> 00:14:12,099
- Is that so?
- Yeah. Finally get that promotion.

188
00:14:13,368 --> 00:14:18,441
It's kinda crazy. I can't believe it.
It is so adult. Manager, you know?

189
00:14:18,541 --> 00:14:23,935
I feel like it was just, you know,
yesterday when we were kids, just...

190
00:14:24,335 --> 00:14:27,917
laughing and just saying stupid stuff.

191
00:14:28,017 --> 00:14:33,255
And now, we're looking after the kids.

192
00:14:33,355 --> 00:14:36,459
Right? You know, I was listening
to NPR this morning.

193
00:14:36,559 --> 00:14:40,528
They were talking about
the monogamy of gibbons, and...

194
00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:44,150
it's just the cutest thing
I've ever seen. Or heard.

195
00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:47,870
It was on the radio, but they had
these sound bites, you know?

196
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:52,125
A little chirping, you know.
These sweet monkey nothings...

197
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,776
Evan, I have some things to do.

198
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:57,474
- So if you'll excuse me.
- Yeah, I'm gonna... Okay.

199
00:14:57,574 --> 00:14:59,880
- Check in five.
- Right.

200
00:15:05,653 --> 00:15:07,100
So, I'm sorry to say...

201
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:11,260
without major improvements, we're gonna
have to start laying some people off.

202
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:12,926
Mike!

203
00:15:13,728 --> 00:15:16,132
It's time for a change.

204
00:15:16,232 --> 00:15:21,637
Corporate thinks we need
an official sales manager again.

205
00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:23,806
And I couldn't agree more.

206
00:15:23,906 --> 00:15:27,743
So I'm proud to announce
our new manager of sales,

207
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:29,924
Max Phillips.

208
00:15:31,847 --> 00:15:33,544
No, no, no. Not Max.

209
00:15:33,644 --> 00:15:35,918
Who the hell is Max?
What the hell is going on right now?

210
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:39,372
Max, Evan and I went to college together.
It's kind of a long story.

211
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:40,940
- Hey, Evan.
- Sup?

212
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,676
- That wasn't a long story.
- No.

213
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,063
Did I mention that Max
slept with Evan's girlfriend,

214
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,498
so Evan had Max kicked out
of school for cheating,

215
00:15:49,598 --> 00:15:53,703
- so Max punched Evan in the face?
- No. You skipped all that.

216
00:15:53,803 --> 00:15:55,669
Question...

217
00:15:56,138 --> 00:15:57,773
- What do we sell here?
- Shake weights.

218
00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,942
- Power mustaches.
- The Abinatrix.

219
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:03,679
- No, Michael. We sell dreams.
- He knows my name.

220
00:16:03,779 --> 00:16:07,837
Sales is... seduction.

221
00:16:07,983 --> 00:16:10,553
And when you seduce,

222
00:16:10,653 --> 00:16:12,889
do you say, "I have a 401k"?

223
00:16:12,989 --> 00:16:15,924
Or "I floss"? No.

224
00:16:16,024 --> 00:16:17,658
You say...

225
00:16:19,627 --> 00:16:21,862
"I love you."

226
00:16:25,266 --> 00:16:27,603
Because people make decisions
from the heart.

227
00:16:27,703 --> 00:16:32,041
If you wanna sell a bunch of useless crap
to fat losers in Alabama

228
00:16:32,141 --> 00:16:37,113
and bored housewives in Iowa,
feed their dreams.

229
00:16:37,513 --> 00:16:39,381
Convince them.

230
00:16:39,481 --> 00:16:44,220
Their lives can transcend
the pointless slog of being human.

231
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,456
Give them hope, open their eyes...

232
00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:49,596
to something...

233
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,561
bigger.

234
00:16:52,661 --> 00:16:58,101
Sink your teeth
into their poor pathetic lives.

235
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:01,132
And give them life.

236
00:17:01,836 --> 00:17:03,870
And better abs.

237
00:17:04,874 --> 00:17:08,601
Our goal for this month is...

238
00:17:10,478 --> 00:17:12,748
one million dollars in sales.

239
00:17:12,848 --> 00:17:17,134
It's aggressive, yes,
but I'm confident we can hit it.

240
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:22,889
And if we don't, Ted and I
have already agreed...

241
00:17:24,125 --> 00:17:26,793
we'll be forced to kill all of you.

242
00:17:27,796 --> 00:17:30,430
So you better do what he says.

243
00:17:32,066 --> 00:17:35,415
So, come on, let's get out there
and get selling.

244
00:17:36,538 --> 00:17:39,321
- What the hell, Ted?
- Now, hold on a minute.

245
00:17:39,421 --> 00:17:40,976
No one ever promised you that job.

246
00:17:41,076 --> 00:17:44,928
Oh, yeah, I know, but Max Phillips?

247
00:17:45,028 --> 00:17:47,316
He's got an MBA.
He's got a great track record.

248
00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:51,954
He comes highly recommended. He has
some very interesting ideas for new hires.

249
00:17:52,054 --> 00:17:54,822
Honestly, we're lucky to have him.

250
00:17:56,824 --> 00:17:59,261
How did you... Of all...

251
00:17:59,361 --> 00:18:02,365
Now, this isn't gonna be
a problem, now, is it?

252
00:18:02,465 --> 00:18:07,002
- You working for Max?
- No. No! Of course not, I just...

253
00:18:07,102 --> 00:18:12,406
I would've liked a legitimate crack at
the job before you brought in someone else.

254
00:18:14,209 --> 00:18:15,852
Look...

255
00:18:16,252 --> 00:18:18,532
I like you, Evan. I really do.

256
00:18:18,632 --> 00:18:22,618
I mean, you show up
for work on time. You work hard.

257
00:18:22,718 --> 00:18:26,322
- You legitimately give a shit.
- Thank you. I do!

258
00:18:26,422 --> 00:18:29,458
It's like I used to tell the bench players
back when I coached football,

259
00:18:29,558 --> 00:18:34,263
"The most important people in the team
are the ones who make the starters try."

260
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:37,064
Now, you get out there. There you go.

261
00:18:47,775 --> 00:18:49,910
Thank you, Jerry.

262
00:18:51,079 --> 00:18:53,232
Those are the employee files
I requested?

263
00:18:54,603 --> 00:18:58,053
Yes, I think so. It might be helpful
if you were a little more specific

264
00:18:58,153 --> 00:19:01,116
- about exactly what it is you're looking for.
- Listen, Amanda...

265
00:19:01,216 --> 00:19:07,309
I know you and Evan have a history,
and I know that you care about him.

266
00:19:09,207 --> 00:19:11,033
I'm the head of HR.

267
00:19:11,133 --> 00:19:14,703
So, it's highly inappropriate
for me to discuss this before...

268
00:19:14,803 --> 00:19:17,379
Sure, sure, sure. I'll tell you what.

269
00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:21,910
After I settle in, you and I can...

270
00:19:22,010 --> 00:19:24,447
schedule some one-on-one
and get to know each other.

271
00:19:25,147 --> 00:19:26,757
Yeah, that sounds nice.

272
00:19:27,816 --> 00:19:30,048
Hey, buddy.

273
00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:34,790
Just a little HR talk. Thanks, Mandy.
We'll circle back...

274
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,277
Where are you taking Fuzz Aldrin?

275
00:19:40,361 --> 00:19:42,531
Fuzz Aldrin, the janitor has... Why?

276
00:19:42,631 --> 00:19:44,864
Long time no see. Am I right?

277
00:19:48,870 --> 00:19:53,042
Listen, Evan. I know you and I
had a little falling out.

278
00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:55,778
But as far as I'm concerned...

279
00:19:55,878 --> 00:19:59,113
water under the bridge. Ancient history.

280
00:19:59,213 --> 00:20:01,483
- Okay, good...
- It's all about the company now, right?

281
00:20:01,583 --> 00:20:04,486
- Wait...
- I knew I could count on you.

282
00:20:04,650 --> 00:20:05,624
This is mine...

283
00:20:05,724 --> 00:20:08,525
Boom Shaka laka.
Who's the noob now, bitch?

284
00:20:09,425 --> 00:20:13,095
Oh, now you wanna be a little kid.
Okay. Well, you can cry all night long

285
00:20:13,195 --> 00:20:17,764
'cause you just got your ass whupped
by a grownup with a big-ass dick.

286
00:20:18,366 --> 00:20:20,808
I'm gonna kill you.

287
00:20:37,118 --> 00:20:38,758
Yeah.

288
00:20:39,020 --> 00:20:41,040
Yeah. No, I'mma fuck you up.

289
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,159
I'm gonna fuck... you up.

290
00:20:44,259 --> 00:20:47,860
Yeah, I see you. Fuckin' eat that shit.

291
00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,996
Hi.

292
00:20:50,898 --> 00:20:55,304
Jesus, man! You gotta fucking warn
someone before you do that.

293
00:20:55,404 --> 00:20:56,906
Office hours are over.

294
00:20:57,006 --> 00:21:01,643
Yeah, high-speed internet's free, and Elaine
left her Souplantation in the fridge.

295
00:21:01,743 --> 00:21:05,147
So, velvet rope off
this motherfucker right here

296
00:21:05,247 --> 00:21:07,750
because this is gonna be
my own personal club tonight.

297
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:11,343
- Okay.
- And I'm gonna be dialing up some Youjizz

298
00:21:11,443 --> 00:21:13,222
and busting out some knuckle children
in a couple of minutes,

299
00:21:13,392 --> 00:21:18,360
so unless you wanna mop me up here
and here and here and a little bit here

300
00:21:18,460 --> 00:21:20,651
- and some over here...
- I'll go take a smoke break.

301
00:21:24,932 --> 00:21:27,302
Oh, yeah, I'm back.
Oh, are the tears back?

302
00:21:27,402 --> 00:21:29,972
Good. Yeah, take that.

303
00:21:31,598 --> 00:21:33,740
I hear the tears already coming.

304
00:21:40,649 --> 00:21:42,972
What the shit?

305
00:21:44,285 --> 00:21:46,698
I'm gonna go take a dump now.

306
00:21:47,355 --> 00:21:49,825
If anyone wanna steal something
from this company,

307
00:21:49,925 --> 00:21:53,192
I'd be gone way too long
to do anything about it.

308
00:22:24,893 --> 00:22:26,984
Hilarious, man.

309
00:22:27,863 --> 00:22:31,434
Turning the lights out
on the guy in the shitter, man.

310
00:22:32,034 --> 00:22:35,301
You must be some kind
of a prank savant, right?

311
00:22:43,210 --> 00:22:46,480
All right, man. Whoever's
doing this better knock it off.

312
00:23:20,815 --> 00:23:22,151
Colonel Sanders.

313
00:23:22,251 --> 00:23:26,417
Still hilarious. Hey, is Mike here already?
His car is in the parking garage.

314
00:23:26,517 --> 00:23:28,194
- That's a negative, sir.
- Do you know who Mike is?

315
00:23:28,294 --> 00:23:30,292
- That's a negative, sir.
- How do you know he's not here?

316
00:23:30,392 --> 00:23:34,363
I unlocked the doors myself at 0600, and no
unfamiliars have penetrated my perimeter,

317
00:23:34,463 --> 00:23:35,915
I've been on full alert.

318
00:23:39,033 --> 00:23:41,734
So, full alert?

319
00:23:44,372 --> 00:23:47,106
I believe I know this cat, sir.

320
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:55,731
Okay... at ease or carry on.

321
00:24:05,493 --> 00:24:07,226
Nah, I must be dreaming.

322
00:24:08,162 --> 00:24:11,900
Max called me at 6 a.m.
this morning to come in early.

323
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:15,804
I haven't been up before dawn
since straight is great camp.

324
00:24:16,322 --> 00:24:17,239
What?

325
00:24:17,339 --> 00:24:20,075
I wasn't gay. They just had
a really good archery program.

326
00:24:20,175 --> 00:24:21,777
All right. So you've told me.

327
00:24:21,877 --> 00:24:25,914
This situation sucks, dude. I mean,
we gotta do something about this, right?

328
00:24:26,014 --> 00:24:28,083
I mean, can you believe how much
they've screwed us here?

329
00:24:28,183 --> 00:24:29,218
Us?

330
00:24:29,318 --> 00:24:32,721
Yeah. I mean, I was all ready
for you to become sales manager.

331
00:24:32,821 --> 00:24:35,349
I wanted that for you, man.
Because what's better than having

332
00:24:35,449 --> 00:24:37,471
- your best friend as your boss?
- Yeah.

333
00:24:37,571 --> 00:24:40,763
Now then... I mean, I would've
gotten away with everything.

334
00:24:40,963 --> 00:24:42,862
But now...

335
00:24:44,132 --> 00:24:47,226
I mean, you get me, man. You know?

336
00:24:47,326 --> 00:24:50,209
You allow me to be me in the workplace.

337
00:24:50,309 --> 00:24:51,707
- Useless slacker.
- Exactly.

338
00:24:51,807 --> 00:24:53,542
- Worthless.
- Yeah.

339
00:24:53,642 --> 00:24:56,745
- Gotta have one.
- I mean, look at me, man.

340
00:24:56,845 --> 00:24:58,878
Look at me.

341
00:25:00,381 --> 00:25:02,794
Our perfect routine...

342
00:25:02,894 --> 00:25:04,871
is broken.

343
00:25:05,052 --> 00:25:08,091
Yeah, you... you are
the real victim here.

344
00:25:09,291 --> 00:25:10,589
I know.

345
00:25:11,025 --> 00:25:15,297
But hey, man. You got hosed too, kinda.

346
00:25:17,198 --> 00:25:19,265
By the way...

347
00:25:24,471 --> 00:25:30,012
No. No. You gotta be fucking kidding me.
This is my desk now?

348
00:25:30,112 --> 00:25:33,756
Well, officially,
it's still a photoprinter's desk.

349
00:25:35,284 --> 00:25:37,017
But you can share it.

350
00:25:40,054 --> 00:25:41,888
Do I get a chair?

351
00:25:53,101 --> 00:25:56,579
Holy fucking shit!

352
00:25:59,274 --> 00:26:01,476
We're gonna get this place
lean and mean, Theodore.

353
00:26:01,576 --> 00:26:04,947
We are gonna separate the meat
from the tallow. We're going...

354
00:26:05,147 --> 00:26:06,915
Mike is dead.

355
00:26:07,115 --> 00:26:09,718
- Mike is fucking dead!
- What?

356
00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:13,622
Mike is dead in the fucking bathroom.
I went in there, and someone ate his...

357
00:26:13,722 --> 00:26:16,425
I don't know. I just had to go.
I just needed to go.

358
00:26:16,525 --> 00:26:18,894
Jesus Christ,
I'll never take a shit again.

359
00:26:18,994 --> 00:26:22,848
Evan, Evan, slow down. What's up now?

360
00:26:22,948 --> 00:26:24,581
Mike...

361
00:26:25,299 --> 00:26:27,836
He didn't... dead...

362
00:26:27,936 --> 00:26:30,005
The bathroom.

363
00:26:30,105 --> 00:26:32,238
Ted, call security.

364
00:26:32,506 --> 00:26:35,041
I still have to go.

365
00:26:36,510 --> 00:26:38,547
- Hey, Frank, we have to have...
- Code one emergency.

366
00:26:38,647 --> 00:26:42,918
The forty dollars you owe me
for the NCAA tournament pool.

367
00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:46,208
I'd join ya,
but I gotta get these papers.

368
00:26:46,308 --> 00:26:49,558
Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Don't open the door.

369
00:26:49,658 --> 00:26:52,961
I'm sorry. I just... I need to warn you.

370
00:26:53,161 --> 00:26:56,566
I hope you all have strong stomachs.

371
00:26:56,932 --> 00:27:02,437
Oh, boy. That's disgusting.
I'll clean it again. It's...

372
00:27:02,537 --> 00:27:04,820
What? No.

373
00:27:06,069 --> 00:27:09,277
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I...

374
00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:13,749
I am telling you, this stall
was a fucking horror show.

375
00:27:13,849 --> 00:27:18,220
Evan, this isn't some way of stalling
on the Phallusite presentation, is it?

376
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:22,257
- The what? What?
- The Phallusite presentation.

377
00:27:22,357 --> 00:27:24,126
It's tomorrow. If you're not ready...

378
00:27:24,226 --> 00:27:28,497
No, no. I... I'm not ready
yet, all right? I'm not...

379
00:27:28,597 --> 00:27:31,467
It will be ready, okay? It will...

380
00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:32,905
Mike!

381
00:27:33,005 --> 00:27:37,038
I'll deal with Mike whenever he decides
to roll in to work today.

382
00:27:37,138 --> 00:27:41,611
- You just keep your eye on the ball?
- We're counting on you, slugger.

383
00:27:47,615 --> 00:27:52,690
No. No. What the fuck?

384
00:27:58,859 --> 00:28:01,042
- Permission to speak freely.
- Jesus Christ, Frank.

385
00:28:01,142 --> 00:28:06,501
Can we drop the whole chain
of command bit? I'm just not in the mood.

386
00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:10,373
You were right.
Someone drew first blood.

387
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,783
I need to talk to you.

388
00:28:21,883 --> 00:28:24,686
Evan, if this is about us,
I just can't at work. I have...

389
00:28:24,786 --> 00:28:26,554
Mike is dead.

390
00:28:26,654 --> 00:28:29,403
- What?
- I found him in the men's room.

391
00:28:29,503 --> 00:28:33,061
He was propped up in the stall
like some fucked up marionette.

392
00:28:33,161 --> 00:28:37,565
There was blood everywhere. And then
I went to get help, and he was gone.

393
00:28:39,333 --> 00:28:42,203
Oh, my God. I can't believe you're
seriously doing this right now.

394
00:28:42,303 --> 00:28:45,734
Doing what? Mike was dead
in the bathroom.

395
00:28:45,834 --> 00:28:48,673
- Did anyone else see the body?
- Well, no.

396
00:28:48,773 --> 00:28:51,546
I went to get help and then
when I came back, he was gone.

397
00:28:51,646 --> 00:28:56,538
Jesus! Evan, he's fucking with you.
It's Mike. He's probably doing it as a joke.

398
00:28:56,638 --> 00:28:59,138
Let's not forget
he's a complete asshole, okay?

399
00:29:00,588 --> 00:29:05,791
Yeah, he is kind of an asshole,
but I don't know. This looked pretty real.

400
00:29:05,891 --> 00:29:09,998
Okay. All right, let's... let's consider
the possibilities then.

401
00:29:10,398 --> 00:29:13,268
Option one, somebody murdered Mike,

402
00:29:13,368 --> 00:29:16,741
left him in the bathroom and then moved
the body when you went to get help.

403
00:29:16,841 --> 00:29:18,340
Well, when you put it that way...

404
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:22,544
Or option two, is that the most
obnoxious prick in the office

405
00:29:22,644 --> 00:29:25,581
who would rather do anything
other than actually work,

406
00:29:25,781 --> 00:29:27,392
played a practical joke on you.

407
00:29:28,483 --> 00:29:32,955
- Okay, now I'm gonna kill him.
- Yeah, well, you've got bigger fish to fry.

408
00:29:33,055 --> 00:29:37,561
Max is cleaning house. Mike was probably
getting fired even before the first stunt.

409
00:29:41,195 --> 00:29:43,298
I have to nail that presentation.

410
00:29:43,398 --> 00:29:45,068
Yeah.

411
00:29:48,670 --> 00:29:51,373
Thank you. Thank you.

412
00:29:52,941 --> 00:29:56,157
- Don't you two have some work to do?
- Not really.

413
00:30:00,414 --> 00:30:01,850
- Dave, right?
- Yeah.

414
00:30:01,950 --> 00:30:06,074
I hear you're the guy to talk to
about office pools. Company sports czar.

415
00:30:06,174 --> 00:30:08,390
It's so weird. I've been trying
to get people to call me that.

416
00:30:08,490 --> 00:30:10,609
- Oh, yeah?
- I should probably quit though.

417
00:30:10,709 --> 00:30:13,996
My cat, Puddles, he gets really jealous
when I spend too much time on,

418
00:30:14,096 --> 00:30:16,968
- his diabetes is acting off.
- Oh, nonsense.

419
00:30:17,068 --> 00:30:20,035
Morale is vital to the health
of any company.

420
00:30:20,135 --> 00:30:22,203
And you make an important contribution.

421
00:30:22,303 --> 00:30:25,299
Let's pop into my man-cave, and you can
give me the Vegas tips on the NBA playoffs

422
00:30:25,399 --> 00:30:29,044
- and dirt on upcoming events, you know?
- Don't hit me.

423
00:30:29,444 --> 00:30:31,513
- Man stuff, all right. Come on.
- All right.

424
00:30:31,613 --> 00:30:33,648
I got all sorts of ideas
for other office pools.

425
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:37,145
Competitive curling,
fantasy fishing, ant bite...

426
00:30:43,458 --> 00:30:45,527
Dude, the record.

427
00:30:45,627 --> 00:30:47,796
What's up, man. You all right?

428
00:30:48,095 --> 00:30:49,699
I...

429
00:30:50,030 --> 00:30:52,381
I don't know. I don't know.

430
00:30:53,066 --> 00:30:56,272
Right now, I'm just...
trying to avoid getting fired.

431
00:30:57,072 --> 00:30:59,140
That's smart. That's a good plan.

432
00:30:59,240 --> 00:31:01,898
- Welcome to the club, right?
- Right.

433
00:31:09,917 --> 00:31:12,921
I want my $20
for the NCAA tournament pool.

434
00:31:13,021 --> 00:31:17,859
- I told you, man. I...
- No excuses! You gambled, you lost.

435
00:31:17,959 --> 00:31:21,229
- Now pay for your failures.
- You need to chill out, Brian.

436
00:31:21,329 --> 00:31:25,333
I will chill when I have
your $20 as well, Tim.

437
00:31:25,433 --> 00:31:29,170
You have until 5 o'clock.
Don't make me come find you.

438
00:31:29,270 --> 00:31:32,737
Evan, thank you for your thoughtful
and prompt payment.

439
00:31:32,837 --> 00:31:35,259
It shall not be forgotten.

440
00:31:36,443 --> 00:31:37,714
I...

441
00:31:40,581 --> 00:31:44,752
- What the fuck was that?
- I didn't even enter that pool.

442
00:31:44,952 --> 00:31:48,309
Shit. Mike's computer's
password protected.

443
00:31:48,419 --> 00:31:51,961
That's probably a good thing.
There's an insane amount of porn on that.

444
00:31:52,893 --> 00:31:54,849
How the hell am I gonna get
those sales figures?

445
00:31:54,959 --> 00:31:57,665
You mean, you want
all the numbers, like...

446
00:31:57,765 --> 00:32:01,703
Yeah, yeah. The spreadsheets are
on Mike's computer and that's locked, so...

447
00:32:01,803 --> 00:32:05,673
- Oh, you don't have the password?
- No, no. I don't wanna know the password,

448
00:32:05,773 --> 00:32:08,643
so I'm gonna have to rebuild
the excel files from scratch.

449
00:32:08,743 --> 00:32:11,012
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can totally help, you know.

450
00:32:11,112 --> 00:32:14,382
Especially after what Ted did to you.
That was just so horrible.

451
00:32:14,482 --> 00:32:18,086
- I know. Right? Yeah.
- <i>You must be having such a horrible day.</i>

452
00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:21,389
- So you think you can help me out?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

453
00:32:21,489 --> 00:32:25,487
I could totally go down to the basement,
and... grab the files for you downstairs.

454
00:32:25,587 --> 00:32:29,931
That's great. You're a lifesaver, Zabs.
Go do that, and then we'll talk.

455
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:33,868
- Okay
- Okay. Bye-bye. Bye. Run along.

456
00:32:37,272 --> 00:32:39,174
- God.
- Little help.

457
00:32:43,344 --> 00:32:44,981
Really?

458
00:32:57,324 --> 00:32:59,195
Evan?

459
00:33:01,262 --> 00:33:03,233
Okay.

460
00:33:06,533 --> 00:33:09,971
Oh, shit. I just got this skirt.

461
00:33:10,071 --> 00:33:11,907
Come on.

462
00:33:15,977 --> 00:33:17,979
Please, it's not the world.
It's just one night.

463
00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:20,382
- I have kick ball.
- And you're starting pitcher tonight.

464
00:33:20,482 --> 00:33:23,317
- I'm on that team. I never get to go.
- He's terrible.

465
00:33:23,417 --> 00:33:25,987
- God damn, Tim!
- All right. What do I get if I stay?

466
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:29,657
My undying gratitude. The respect
and admiration of your peers.

467
00:33:29,757 --> 00:33:32,294
- It's not me.
- Come on, man. Something valuable.

468
00:33:32,394 --> 00:33:34,963
Precious gems. Straight-up cash.

469
00:33:35,063 --> 00:33:38,740
If we land the account, all the Phallusite
you'll ever need, free.

470
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:41,519
- No.
- Yes.

471
00:33:41,619 --> 00:33:44,223
- You should be in sales.
- Yes!

472
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:48,644
Why do you care? I... I don't suppose
I should even bother to ask you.

473
00:33:49,444 --> 00:33:52,313
Oh, I can't tonight.
I've got Kelly Clarkson tickets.

474
00:33:52,413 --> 00:33:53,915
Oh, you had been talking about that.

475
00:33:54,015 --> 00:33:57,752
Yeah. I like that <i>Walk Away</i>
song, though, I do.

476
00:33:58,252 --> 00:34:00,120
Boom!

477
00:34:00,941 --> 00:34:04,459
Man! There goes all the burritos.

478
00:34:04,859 --> 00:34:06,928
This is a conventional oven, right?

479
00:34:07,228 --> 00:34:12,325
Well, you know, microwaving
is a pretty inexact science, Tim, so...

480
00:34:13,067 --> 00:34:14,804
You know what?

481
00:34:14,904 --> 00:34:18,209
- Can I be blunt?
- As opposed to how you normally are?

482
00:34:18,309 --> 00:34:20,689
So how long are you planning
on punishing Evan?

483
00:34:22,076 --> 00:34:25,313
Jesus, Tim. I am not talking
to you about this right now.

484
00:34:25,413 --> 00:34:27,048
Yes, you are, Mandy. Damn it.

485
00:34:27,148 --> 00:34:30,228
We are gonna have this conversation
right now. Because, you know what?

486
00:34:30,328 --> 00:34:33,774
Evan is a good guy.
You know it. I know it.

487
00:34:33,874 --> 00:34:37,384
All right? So he made one mistake.
He's human.

488
00:34:37,484 --> 00:34:40,362
Yeah, well... it was
a pretty big mistake, Tim.

489
00:34:40,662 --> 00:34:42,631
What do you want me to say?

490
00:34:43,131 --> 00:34:49,003
Okay, yeah. Evan...
hurt my feelings... a lot.

491
00:34:50,170 --> 00:34:54,276
Well... yeah, I guess that's exactly
what I wanted you to say.

492
00:34:54,576 --> 00:34:56,711
- You said it.
- Well, yeah.

493
00:34:56,811 --> 00:35:00,782
Look, I'm not trying
to pile on to you emotionally...

494
00:35:00,882 --> 00:35:03,151
- Right.
- But look, we all think you're awesome.

495
00:35:03,251 --> 00:35:05,954
Yup, yup. Awesome Amanda.

496
00:35:06,054 --> 00:35:08,790
Dating me is like dating a dude.
It's really great.

497
00:35:08,890 --> 00:35:11,628
- Never heard anyone say that.
- Yeah.

498
00:35:13,460 --> 00:35:17,432
It's not like I was expecting
a fucking proposal, okay?

499
00:35:18,232 --> 00:35:21,061
And this may not have occurred to you,
but it was actually...

500
00:35:21,161 --> 00:35:24,206
really difficult for me to even say...

501
00:35:24,906 --> 00:35:29,911
the "L" word, and please,
do not make a lesbian joke right now.

502
00:35:30,011 --> 00:35:31,579
That seems inappropriate.
I wouldn't have done that.

503
00:35:31,679 --> 00:35:35,651
- You always make lesbian jokes.
- Not in front of lesbians.

504
00:35:36,249 --> 00:35:39,471
Or women, you know,
with lesbian haircuts.

505
00:35:39,571 --> 00:35:41,239
Look.

506
00:35:41,588 --> 00:35:44,526
I wasn't even expecting him
to say it back right away.

507
00:35:44,626 --> 00:35:47,929
But Jesus, Tim. "No?"

508
00:35:48,029 --> 00:35:49,327
Yeah.

509
00:35:49,427 --> 00:35:53,968
He said no. Like what kind
of a response is that?

510
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:57,105
- Not a positive one.
- Yeah.

511
00:35:57,505 --> 00:35:59,341
It would have...

512
00:35:59,539 --> 00:36:02,510
It would have honestly hurt less
if he just would have said...

513
00:36:02,610 --> 00:36:04,613
nothing at all.

514
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,617
Hey, Evan.

515
00:36:10,617 --> 00:36:12,353
Shit.

516
00:36:12,453 --> 00:36:15,456
Mandy is upset because
I was using the microwave,

517
00:36:15,556 --> 00:36:18,026
and I just didn't understand
how the buttons work,

518
00:36:18,126 --> 00:36:22,330
and I blew up my burrito,
and it was, like, the fourth one.

519
00:36:22,430 --> 00:36:26,100
She wanted to microwave
her salad, I think and...

520
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:28,136
- We were talking about you.
- Clearly.

521
00:36:28,336 --> 00:36:30,121
Amanda Baron.

522
00:36:30,221 --> 00:36:34,742
Your friends call you Mandy,
but Amanda is better, stronger.

523
00:36:34,842 --> 00:36:39,346
A name with fingernails
I can dig into a man's back.

524
00:36:41,799 --> 00:36:44,935
Interesting observation.

525
00:36:47,154 --> 00:36:50,669
You smell... lust.

526
00:36:51,191 --> 00:36:54,362
I can hear your heart all broken.

527
00:36:54,862 --> 00:36:59,200
- And wet.
- That's really weird, okay?

528
00:36:59,300 --> 00:37:01,570
Evan doesn't deserve you.

529
00:37:02,235 --> 00:37:04,440
Perhaps you just need a woman's touch.

530
00:37:06,440 --> 00:37:09,011
Shouldn't you be answering the phones?

531
00:37:11,411 --> 00:37:13,416
I like your dress.

532
00:37:19,803 --> 00:37:24,158
No money was ever transferred.
You can't just give yourself a checkmark.

533
00:37:24,258 --> 00:37:27,396
I put a checkmark on the board.
That's a sale, man.

534
00:37:34,367 --> 00:37:36,805
Tick-tock, motherfucker.

535
00:37:44,244 --> 00:37:48,484
- Yes. Yes, you can borrow 20 bucks.
- Quick.

536
00:37:49,549 --> 00:37:52,987
So please, just give me
your address and your e-mail

537
00:37:53,087 --> 00:37:56,659
and your Social Security,
and I'll send it out.

538
00:37:57,758 --> 00:37:59,628
Go ahead.

539
00:38:00,160 --> 00:38:01,933
One...

540
00:38:03,064 --> 00:38:06,618
Five o'clock. See you fuckers tomorrow.

541
00:38:07,401 --> 00:38:10,906
Oh, did anybody see which way Dave went?

542
00:38:17,944 --> 00:38:20,717
Hey, but I gave you 20 bucks.

543
00:38:32,459 --> 00:38:36,832
- Evan?
- Oh. Oh. Hi, Elaine, hi.

544
00:38:37,297 --> 00:38:40,869
Sorry. Sorry you lost your job.

545
00:38:51,244 --> 00:38:53,515
Oh, thank you, Elaine.

546
00:38:55,482 --> 00:38:58,954
- All right, man. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Phallusite.

547
00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:02,591
Well, it was worth a shot.

548
00:39:05,893 --> 00:39:10,565
And you can call me Ward Cleaver
'cause I just banged out June.

549
00:39:10,665 --> 00:39:16,737
Nice. You can call me Uncle Ben
because I just nailed May.

550
00:39:16,837 --> 00:39:18,239
Nice.

551
00:39:18,339 --> 00:39:21,509
Hey, we keep this up,
we might not have to sleep here.

552
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:24,012
Oh, Amen, brother.

553
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,586
Shit. Zabeth only brought up
the hard copies through July.

554
00:39:31,686 --> 00:39:33,988
Can you run downstairs and get August?

555
00:39:34,088 --> 00:39:35,720
- In the basement?
- Yeah.

556
00:39:35,820 --> 00:39:40,895
Man. That place has freaked me out ever
since they found that whimsical gimp mask.

557
00:39:40,995 --> 00:39:43,564
You know, Elaine walked off with that.

558
00:39:43,664 --> 00:39:47,168
Come on, man. Please.
Just go. Think of it as a field trip.

559
00:39:47,268 --> 00:39:51,539
- You don't have to work for one minute.
- Actually, that's pretty good argument.

560
00:39:51,939 --> 00:39:53,980
There you go.

561
00:40:04,138 --> 00:40:06,459
No, no, no, no, no. Don't do it, Evan.

562
00:40:08,789 --> 00:40:10,729
Bad idea.

563
00:40:11,124 --> 00:40:14,265
Fuck that. It was my office
longer than it was his.

564
00:40:20,735 --> 00:40:25,073
Oh, Jesus Christ, Zabeth.
You scared the shit out of me.

565
00:40:25,773 --> 00:40:27,848
What the hell were you even
doing down here?

566
00:40:32,645 --> 00:40:35,910
Oh, shit. Of course.

567
00:40:38,650 --> 00:40:40,626
Ass-hat?

568
00:40:42,306 --> 00:40:47,044
I thought perhaps it was Evan
coming down, but now I see.

569
00:40:47,194 --> 00:40:49,697
Why send a boy to do a man's job?

570
00:40:49,797 --> 00:40:52,019
Well, I couldn't agree more.

571
00:40:52,119 --> 00:40:54,306
The douche-nozzle.

572
00:40:55,402 --> 00:40:57,038
Yeah, I should stop doing that.

573
00:40:57,338 --> 00:41:00,541
You know, I always had
a thing for you, right?

574
00:41:00,641 --> 00:41:02,009
Really?

575
00:41:02,109 --> 00:41:06,147
'Cause I always thought that you
wanted me to die in a car fire.

576
00:41:06,247 --> 00:41:09,584
Oh, no, no, no, no. Why would
my baby think of me like that?

577
00:41:09,684 --> 00:41:13,994
Because you said, "Andrew,
I hope you die in a car fire."

578
00:41:16,623 --> 00:41:19,131
Got some new hires?

579
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:22,530
Well, that's not a surprise.

580
00:41:22,630 --> 00:41:27,268
You were very specific
to the make, the model, the mileage.

581
00:41:28,268 --> 00:41:32,106
No, no, no, no, no. I was just
wasting my time pining on Evan.

582
00:41:32,206 --> 00:41:36,516
And Evan is just that. A waste.

583
00:41:41,114 --> 00:41:44,518
Oh, Max. You sick fuck.

584
00:41:44,618 --> 00:41:47,055
Okay, come on. Evan's my friend,

585
00:41:47,155 --> 00:41:50,314
and he's the only person
in this office who...

586
00:41:50,414 --> 00:41:52,093
You're right. Fuck that guy.

587
00:41:52,193 --> 00:41:54,494
Well, Tim. I mean...

588
00:41:54,594 --> 00:41:55,755
What? Really?

589
00:41:57,297 --> 00:41:59,008
Oh, what are you doing...

590
00:42:01,234 --> 00:42:03,203
Well...

591
00:42:03,303 --> 00:42:08,781
What? I'm the one person in the office
you haven't made a decision on.

592
00:42:10,143 --> 00:42:14,014
Okay, full disclaimer. There might be
some slight discoloration issues down there,

593
00:42:14,114 --> 00:42:16,283
but if it helps, you can pretend
you're boning the Hulk.

594
00:42:16,383 --> 00:42:19,436
Actually, I don't want to
over promise that. Let's go with Kermit.

595
00:42:22,075 --> 00:42:24,396
Well, well, well.

596
00:42:24,724 --> 00:42:28,935
My buddy Ted will be
very interested in this.

597
00:42:29,563 --> 00:42:34,274
I have severely underestimated
the versatility of Anne Taylor Loft.

598
00:42:36,369 --> 00:42:38,639
Oh, God! You bit my lip.

599
00:42:38,739 --> 00:42:41,976
- Do we need a safe word?
- Scream for me.

600
00:42:42,076 --> 00:42:44,778
Okay. You know what?
I'm as kinky as the next guy.

601
00:42:48,949 --> 00:42:51,257
Well, you have Zabeth.

602
00:42:51,751 --> 00:42:55,678
Oh, God! Okay, I took a self-defense class
for women to pick up chicks,

603
00:42:55,778 --> 00:42:57,668
and the shit they teach you
in there is nasty.

604
00:42:58,159 --> 00:43:01,061
Dave? What the hell does he do?

605
00:43:01,161 --> 00:43:04,298
No! Foot stomp, eye gouge, crotch kick.

606
00:43:04,398 --> 00:43:06,060
Excellent suggestion.

607
00:43:12,038 --> 00:43:14,264
Well, that's different.

608
00:43:21,981 --> 00:43:25,520
- Oh, God!
- I will still fuck you if you scream.

609
00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:27,888
What the hell does that mean?

610
00:43:28,924 --> 00:43:32,118
- God!
- I just didn't say when.

611
00:43:36,830 --> 00:43:39,038
All right, Max.

612
00:43:39,566 --> 00:43:43,827
We'll see what Ted
has to say about this.

613
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:51,212
Oh, man, you would not believe what I...

614
00:43:51,312 --> 00:43:56,022
Are you... son of a bitch!
If you bailed on me...

615
00:44:00,787 --> 00:44:02,628
Andrew?

616
00:44:04,557 --> 00:44:08,562
Dude, if this is another
fucking bit like Mike's...

617
00:44:08,662 --> 00:44:10,310
Run.

618
00:44:11,565 --> 00:44:14,705
Oh, shit! Andrew, you all right?

619
00:44:14,805 --> 00:44:17,577
Okay, okay, hold on. I'm gonna get help.

620
00:44:59,212 --> 00:45:02,091
What the fuck is happening?

621
00:45:04,784 --> 00:45:07,393
Somebody here went to Harvard?

622
00:45:20,133 --> 00:45:23,409
Who the fuck would do this?

623
00:45:27,974 --> 00:45:29,281
Max.

624
00:45:31,945 --> 00:45:33,927
Max.

625
00:45:34,027 --> 00:45:37,460
You... fucking asshole.

626
00:46:12,018 --> 00:46:13,893
Oh, fuck!

627
00:46:17,724 --> 00:46:19,799
Oh, come on

628
00:46:22,462 --> 00:46:26,333
Amanda. Amanda, it's me. I'm at the office
and I just saw Andrew get killed.

629
00:46:26,433 --> 00:46:29,136
And now they're after me,
and I think it's Max.

630
00:46:29,236 --> 00:46:31,766
<i>Oh, gosh, buddy. That hurts my feelings.</i>

631
00:46:31,866 --> 00:46:35,075
I'm sure Amanda is great in a crisis,

632
00:46:35,175 --> 00:46:37,779
but don't you think this call
is more suited to 911?

633
00:46:38,179 --> 00:46:41,200
- What have you done with Amanda?
- <i>I just devoured her...</i>

634
00:46:41,300 --> 00:46:44,184
fabulous Ossobuco.

635
00:46:44,284 --> 00:46:46,854
Who knew Mandy was such
a demon in the kitchen?

636
00:46:47,254 --> 00:46:50,692
Absolutely open another bottle
as long as it's red.

637
00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:53,632
What?

638
00:46:55,812 --> 00:46:59,254
Max, you son of a bitch.
You listen to me, right now!

639
00:46:59,550 --> 00:47:02,803
- Oh, fuck!
- Do I hear banging?

640
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:06,078
On your end. I mean, there's
no banging happening here, yet.

641
00:47:08,275 --> 00:47:10,344
Wait, are you on my phone?

642
00:47:10,444 --> 00:47:15,432
It's Evan calling to tell us he's absolutely
crushing the presentation tomorrow.

643
00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:17,322
Do you want to talk to him?

644
00:47:19,738 --> 00:47:22,459
No. No, it's okay.

645
00:47:23,222 --> 00:47:25,698
- Amanda!
- Sorry, buddy. You're stuck with me.

646
00:47:27,628 --> 00:47:32,363
God damn it, Max. I swear to God,
if you lay one finger on her...

647
00:47:33,383 --> 00:47:36,070
I think you better focus
on your own problems, bro.

648
00:47:36,170 --> 00:47:38,276
<i>But I'll give Amanda your best.</i>

649
00:47:39,373 --> 00:47:41,715
Actually, I'll give her mine.

650
00:47:41,815 --> 00:47:44,837
- Max, no.
- It's better.

651
00:47:46,149 --> 00:47:48,836
Max! Fuck!

652
00:47:48,936 --> 00:47:52,412
Fuck! Fuck-ety fuck! Fuck!

653
00:47:55,375 --> 00:47:58,363
Situation is suited for 911?

654
00:47:59,133 --> 00:48:01,271
Okay, asshole.

655
00:48:02,182 --> 00:48:04,850
Fuck it. That was stupid.

656
00:48:06,053 --> 00:48:08,155
All right. Where were we?

657
00:48:08,255 --> 00:48:11,263
"Where are we?"

658
00:48:11,958 --> 00:48:14,433
Is the more pertinent question.

659
00:48:15,294 --> 00:48:17,803
- What?
- You...

660
00:48:18,798 --> 00:48:21,406
have beautiful eyes.

661
00:48:26,706 --> 00:48:29,009
We should get started.

662
00:48:29,109 --> 00:48:31,817
We have the whole company
to get through, so...

663
00:48:34,581 --> 00:48:36,956
Don't I know it.

664
00:48:50,597 --> 00:48:52,748
Hey, Ted.

665
00:48:54,168 --> 00:48:57,737
- Mind explaining yourself?
- Ted's here.

666
00:48:58,347 --> 00:49:00,641
I... I don't know. I don't know.

667
00:49:00,741 --> 00:49:03,978
I... was working on the presentation.

668
00:49:04,078 --> 00:49:06,747
And... Oh, my God! Andrew!

669
00:49:06,847 --> 00:49:10,471
"Oh, my God, Andrew," is right. Without him,
today would have been a total disaster.

670
00:49:10,571 --> 00:49:15,976
- What? No, no. Andrew is dead.
- Dead tired after that all-nighter.

671
00:49:16,076 --> 00:49:20,027
The presentation.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.

672
00:49:20,127 --> 00:49:24,164
Andrew, you start prepping
my office for the Phallusite.

673
00:49:24,264 --> 00:49:26,300
I want you to run
this presentation today.

674
00:49:26,400 --> 00:49:29,508
- You got it, boss.
- Bounce.

675
00:49:29,608 --> 00:49:33,056
- Wait, wait... I...
- Evan, what the hell happened to you?

676
00:49:33,156 --> 00:49:35,943
You've always been
a model employee, but I...

677
00:49:36,043 --> 00:49:39,513
I can't overlook a pooch-screwing
this monumental.

678
00:49:39,613 --> 00:49:41,882
Ted. Ted, Ted.

679
00:49:42,682 --> 00:49:48,172
Let's not be hasty. Andrew finished
the job but Evan laid down the groundwork.

680
00:49:48,272 --> 00:49:52,026
Look at this poor fellow.
He was just passed over for a promotion.

681
00:49:52,126 --> 00:49:55,696
He slept in the supply closet,
and he smells like a dead wharf hooker.

682
00:49:55,796 --> 00:49:58,699
- You smell it now?
- He's just having a rough patch.

683
00:49:58,799 --> 00:50:01,440
Let's give him a pass on this one, okay?

684
00:50:03,136 --> 00:50:04,844
I...

685
00:50:10,476 --> 00:50:13,031
Max brought doughnuts.

686
00:50:17,950 --> 00:50:21,582
I would love to tell you about
our exceptional product, Abinatrix.

687
00:50:21,682 --> 00:50:23,824
Abinatrix is 100% natural.

688
00:50:23,924 --> 00:50:27,329
Abinatrix is for everyone of all ages.

689
00:50:27,661 --> 00:50:30,136
Dude, that sucked, man.

690
00:50:31,864 --> 00:50:34,268
Abinatrix is recommended
by most doctors...

691
00:50:34,368 --> 00:50:37,437
No, I don't understand
what the hell is going on.

692
00:50:37,537 --> 00:50:40,874
I did not imagine
all that stuff last night, Tim.

693
00:50:40,974 --> 00:50:43,440
And why the hell did Max save my job?

694
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:47,081
You know what, man? I thought that
was weird too, but on the plus side,

695
00:50:47,181 --> 00:50:50,318
at least he didn't turn you into
a vampire like everyone else.

696
00:50:51,118 --> 00:50:53,454
- Mom, look, just buy Abinatrix, all right?
- What?

697
00:50:53,554 --> 00:50:56,490
I haven't had a sale all month
and I'm going to get fired.

698
00:50:56,590 --> 00:50:58,592
Dude, what are you doing?
That was going to be my first sale.

699
00:50:58,692 --> 00:51:01,628
Tim! Vampires?

700
00:51:02,528 --> 00:51:06,907
Okay. Well... it's just a few things
I've been noticing here and there.

701
00:51:12,638 --> 00:51:14,521
A shoe?

702
00:51:15,975 --> 00:51:19,462
- That was your evidence?
- Well, I'm not done yet.

703
00:51:28,888 --> 00:51:33,761
Okay, that is significantly weirder
and Zabeth has been acting strangely.

704
00:51:33,861 --> 00:51:36,897
Agreed, but what really convinced me...

705
00:51:37,397 --> 00:51:39,733
Poor, poor, Elaine.

706
00:51:39,833 --> 00:51:43,366
All ginger and no joy.

707
00:51:43,466 --> 00:51:46,760
- I don't... I don't mind.
- Yes, you do.

708
00:51:46,860 --> 00:51:50,343
- Oh, that's...
- I want you.

709
00:51:50,645 --> 00:51:54,615
I am so busy. I can't. I can't.

710
00:51:55,015 --> 00:51:58,757
I'm... I'm a virgin.

711
00:51:59,152 --> 00:52:01,293
You all are.

712
00:52:12,731 --> 00:52:16,590
So basically, I saw Max turn Elaine
into a vampire, ergo...

713
00:52:16,690 --> 00:52:20,881
- Max is a vampire.
- The head vampire, presumably.

714
00:52:20,981 --> 00:52:25,566
Right. This all started
after he got here. It's only logical.

715
00:52:25,666 --> 00:52:29,503
Logical? Oh, there's a part of this story
that you guys think is logical?

716
00:52:29,603 --> 00:52:32,486
Well, maybe not logical, but true.

717
00:52:32,586 --> 00:52:36,208
I don't know what kind of a game you're
trying to play here, but it is not funny

718
00:52:36,308 --> 00:52:40,560
or endearing or working. And you,
you let him drag you into this too?

719
00:52:40,660 --> 00:52:43,230
- I thought you were smarter than that.
- Really?

720
00:52:43,630 --> 00:52:46,033
- And today of all days.
- What day is it?

721
00:52:46,133 --> 00:52:48,101
I knew that you were selfish
and immature, Evan,

722
00:52:48,201 --> 00:52:52,172
but I did not think that you'd commit career
suicide to impress me, it's pretty lame.

723
00:52:52,272 --> 00:52:55,709
Damn it, Amanda! I'm not trying
to commit career suicide.

724
00:52:55,809 --> 00:52:58,912
I'm trying to prevent career homicide!

725
00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:03,721
- Oh, good one.
- Oh, well, yeah, it just came out.

726
00:53:04,150 --> 00:53:05,419
We have to get out of here.

727
00:53:05,519 --> 00:53:08,221
The only thing I have to do
is that Phallusite presentation

728
00:53:08,321 --> 00:53:10,991
because I actually give a shit
about my job, so...

729
00:53:11,091 --> 00:53:14,259
- Touche.
- Wait, wait. How do you explain Andrew?

730
00:53:14,559 --> 00:53:17,931
What about Andrew? He stayed here
all night working. He looks amazing.

731
00:53:18,031 --> 00:53:19,866
- Yeah, he does.
- Exactly!

732
00:53:19,966 --> 00:53:23,136
You don't think that proves
supernatural forces are at work here?

733
00:53:23,236 --> 00:53:27,174
- All right, Evan, I'm done. I'm done...
- What? Amanda! Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

734
00:53:27,274 --> 00:53:28,732
Please, wait.

735
00:53:28,832 --> 00:53:34,719
I know this all sounds crazy. I know.
But please, you have to believe me.

736
00:53:35,514 --> 00:53:37,556
I love you.

737
00:53:40,019 --> 00:53:41,493
No.

738
00:53:43,823 --> 00:53:46,718
So that's what it sounded like.

739
00:53:47,094 --> 00:53:49,619
Fuck it. I don't care
if she hates me forever,

740
00:53:49,719 --> 00:53:53,378
I am not letting the woman I love
get turned into a blood-sucking vampire.

741
00:53:53,478 --> 00:53:55,774
Bam-snap!

742
00:53:58,738 --> 00:54:00,379
What?

743
00:54:02,675 --> 00:54:05,946
Is it just me or is this office
getting darker?

744
00:54:06,046 --> 00:54:09,760
And colder too. Look.

745
00:54:11,751 --> 00:54:15,414
- Okay, it's time we alert the authorities.
- You mean call the cops?

746
00:54:15,514 --> 00:54:16,974
- Yes.
- And tell them what?

747
00:54:17,074 --> 00:54:20,741
I mean, everybody that we want
to report is dead, is here...

748
00:54:20,841 --> 00:54:23,018
- and working.
- Shit.

749
00:54:24,130 --> 00:54:25,799
Or turned to food.

750
00:54:25,899 --> 00:54:29,336
Oh, God! That was Mike's real body.

751
00:54:29,436 --> 00:54:31,198
Grody.

752
00:54:32,787 --> 00:54:34,608
Poor Andrew.

753
00:54:34,708 --> 00:54:37,744
Hey, we did get a bell. Bitchin'.

754
00:54:37,844 --> 00:54:41,582
It's a great idea. I think Max
really listens to what I have to say.

755
00:54:42,182 --> 00:54:43,889
Dave.

756
00:54:45,918 --> 00:54:51,425
Andrew has 14 sales today? Fuck!

757
00:54:51,525 --> 00:54:53,927
He's totally going to win
that Chilli's gift certificate.

758
00:54:54,027 --> 00:54:56,697
We need to get Amanda and we need
to get the fuck out of here.

759
00:54:56,797 --> 00:55:01,802
- Everyone in this office has been turned...
- Well, not everyone.

760
00:55:02,635 --> 00:55:04,506
Come on.

761
00:55:06,805 --> 00:55:09,284
Anybody need anything from the...

762
00:55:09,384 --> 00:55:11,457
break room?

763
00:55:18,117 --> 00:55:20,287
- Colonel Sanders.
- At ease, Soldier.

764
00:55:20,387 --> 00:55:22,789
No, no, no, not at ease. It's war time.

765
00:55:22,889 --> 00:55:25,358
Right, right, right. Yeah. I...

766
00:55:25,458 --> 00:55:27,261
- Attention.
- Attention.

767
00:55:27,561 --> 00:55:30,364
Frank, we need your help, okay?

768
00:55:30,464 --> 00:55:32,969
This is going to sound insane,

769
00:55:33,069 --> 00:55:35,519
but the entire office
has been turned into...

770
00:55:35,619 --> 00:55:38,093
Vampires. Affirmative, sir.

771
00:55:39,388 --> 00:55:41,697
What? What, you know?

772
00:56:05,597 --> 00:56:09,803
- Did I not mention that Frank was there?
- No, Tim. God damn it. No, you didn't.

773
00:56:09,903 --> 00:56:12,906
Sorry, my bad.
We hang out a lot actually.

774
00:56:13,006 --> 00:56:15,605
By the way, how amazing was that
Kelly Clarkson concert last night?

775
00:56:15,705 --> 00:56:17,944
"American Idol?"
More like "American Treasure."

776
00:56:18,044 --> 00:56:19,902
- Her voice literally sings.
- It does sing.

777
00:56:20,002 --> 00:56:22,335
- Her singing sings.
- How did you get home? I blacked out.

778
00:56:22,435 --> 00:56:24,618
This is not what we're here
to talk about.

779
00:56:24,718 --> 00:56:26,920
We need to get upstairs, Frank,
we need your help.

780
00:56:27,020 --> 00:56:29,156
We need to get Amanda
and we need to get the hell...

781
00:56:29,256 --> 00:56:33,093
No, no, no, we can't just go up there.
The place is a den of the undead right now.

782
00:56:33,193 --> 00:56:36,029
We need to arm ourselves.
We need weapons and shit.

783
00:56:36,129 --> 00:56:38,599
I was waiting for you to say that.

784
00:56:38,699 --> 00:56:40,939
I've got just the thing.

785
00:56:44,503 --> 00:56:47,145
- Weapons!
- Okay, okay.

786
00:56:51,343 --> 00:56:54,949
When she came after that second
encore, I was like, "what!"

787
00:56:55,449 --> 00:56:57,017
I almost fainted.

788
00:56:57,117 --> 00:56:58,651
What kills vampires?

789
00:56:58,751 --> 00:56:59,686
- Stakes.
- Yeah.

790
00:56:59,786 --> 00:57:02,901
Anything wooden you can jam
into their heart. Or a sharp blade.

791
00:57:03,001 --> 00:57:05,196
Decapitations work too.

792
00:57:06,458 --> 00:57:10,096
Did you think this was my first vampire?
I'm a licensed security guard.

793
00:57:10,196 --> 00:57:13,772
You don't get this patch without
dusting a few puncture monkeys.

794
00:57:18,604 --> 00:57:21,074
I looked some stuff up on Wikipedia.

795
00:57:22,559 --> 00:57:27,919
- All right, what else? Holy water, garlic?
- I make a really good 40-clove chicken.

796
00:57:29,081 --> 00:57:31,451
But we probably don't have time
for that right now, guys.

797
00:57:31,551 --> 00:57:34,921
- Sunlight. That burns them up.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Does it?

798
00:57:35,021 --> 00:57:38,318
Because it's daytime right now and they
don't seem to be too bothered by it.

799
00:57:38,418 --> 00:57:41,703
Correct, but that's because this facility
has a limited number of windows

800
00:57:41,803 --> 00:57:45,398
to minimize visual distractions
and maximize climate control and security.

801
00:57:45,498 --> 00:57:47,834
You're telling me sunlight
does kill vampires,

802
00:57:47,934 --> 00:57:53,478
but we get so little of it in this
fluorescent shithole, that they're just fine?

803
00:57:54,506 --> 00:57:58,050
- Good God, that's depressing.
- Yes, sir, it is.

804
00:58:02,247 --> 00:58:04,459
Sir... I swear to God,

805
00:58:04,559 --> 00:58:09,623
there was an arsenal of immense proportions
in this van this morning.

806
00:58:10,523 --> 00:58:15,562
Someone has violated the sovereignty
of my vehicular transport.

807
00:58:15,662 --> 00:58:17,564
They got your stereo, too.

808
00:58:17,964 --> 00:58:19,871
- Oh, son of a bitch.
- Hey!

809
00:58:21,001 --> 00:58:25,272
Oh, my God! Man, hey, hey.
You can't just... okay, okay.

810
00:58:25,372 --> 00:58:28,908
Listen, we need your help.
All right, this is going to sound insane,

811
00:58:29,008 --> 00:58:31,331
but the entire office
has been turned into...

812
00:58:31,431 --> 00:58:32,612
Vampires, yeah.

813
00:58:32,712 --> 00:58:35,936
- Did everybody know but me?
- Yeah, it seems that way.

814
00:58:36,236 --> 00:58:42,008
Oh, fuck! Oh, my God, you're a vampire!
Holy shit! Max turned the fucking janitor.

815
00:58:42,108 --> 00:58:44,177
That one actually makes sense
if you think about it.

816
00:58:44,277 --> 00:58:46,596
- You're creating a lot of dead bodies...
- Yeah, you got blood.

817
00:58:46,696 --> 00:58:49,916
It's smeared all over the walls. People are
struggling, they're breaking things.

818
00:58:50,016 --> 00:58:52,931
You got vans coming in full of weapons.
You got to clear that out.

819
00:58:53,031 --> 00:58:56,756
Okay, okay, okay. I get it. I get it.
All right, yeah. Great idea.

820
00:58:56,856 --> 00:59:00,029
- He's still a fucking asshole.
- Did you guys really not notice?

821
00:59:00,129 --> 00:59:02,609
He turned me day one.
I've been a vampire this whole...

822
00:59:02,709 --> 00:59:08,368
- I chased you through the cubicles.
- Last night? That was you? That...

823
00:59:08,468 --> 00:59:10,955
It was really dark.
I mean, I was scared.

824
00:59:11,055 --> 00:59:14,718
Look, it's not personal.
We don't know you that well.

825
00:59:14,818 --> 00:59:17,778
You know? I mean, we work upstairs,
we're busy and you...

826
00:59:17,878 --> 00:59:20,683
Well, how about this?

827
00:59:22,454 --> 00:59:25,526
- That's... that's scary, yeah.
- The teeth...

828
00:59:25,626 --> 00:59:28,188
Don't patronize me! God!

829
00:59:28,288 --> 00:59:30,728
Do you even know my name?

830
00:59:31,156 --> 00:59:32,997
Janitor?

831
00:59:33,927 --> 00:59:36,268
Always keep a provisional weapon
on your person.

832
00:59:41,333 --> 00:59:43,241
Wait... where?

833
00:59:44,703 --> 00:59:45,706
In my...

834
00:59:52,811 --> 00:59:55,186
Wikipedia did not mention that.

835
01:00:02,187 --> 01:00:04,924
No, no, no. Okay, okay, wait, wait.

836
01:00:05,024 --> 01:00:09,295
This means that they can die, all right?
You just need to find weapons.

837
01:00:09,395 --> 01:00:12,370
Oh, hey, maybe the janitor put
Frank's weapons in... Oh, God!

838
01:00:13,833 --> 01:00:16,870
Oh, God, how have they not dumped
the bodies yet?

839
01:00:16,970 --> 01:00:20,273
Trash pick up is on Saturdays
unless you make a special request,

840
01:00:20,373 --> 01:00:22,576
but that's like 60 bucks.

841
01:00:22,676 --> 01:00:24,716
Seriously?

842
01:00:25,711 --> 01:00:28,619
God, this fucking company sucks.

843
01:00:29,048 --> 01:00:30,482
I've got towels in my car.

844
01:00:38,357 --> 01:00:43,001
Hi, we're the Phallusite Corporation.
We have a 4 o'clock meeting?

845
01:00:44,096 --> 01:00:46,104
Meeting's canceled.

846
01:00:50,802 --> 01:00:53,369
Go. Go. Go, go, go, go.

847
01:00:56,074 --> 01:01:00,598
Say what you want about Elaine, she always
did stock the shit out of the supply closet.

848
01:01:00,698 --> 01:01:03,254
Bam-snap!

849
01:01:03,415 --> 01:01:05,423
That's growing on me.

850
01:01:21,533 --> 01:01:23,408
What?

851
01:01:34,730 --> 01:01:37,953
- Bam-snap!
- Yeah!

852
01:01:40,586 --> 01:01:43,564
Today, we become men.

853
01:01:43,964 --> 01:01:47,381
- Or vampires.
- Or dead.

854
01:01:53,665 --> 01:01:56,136
God, Frank, what's wrong with you?

855
01:01:56,236 --> 01:01:58,443
It's bull piss.

856
01:02:00,639 --> 01:02:02,942
It's gonna beat your ass.

857
01:02:03,042 --> 01:02:05,879
How many of those do you drink a day?

858
01:02:05,979 --> 01:02:08,119
As many as it takes.

859
01:02:11,016 --> 01:02:15,791
Jeez, anyone that probably takes a bite
out of you is going to be up for a week.

860
01:02:40,112 --> 01:02:42,940
Okay, there's a lot of them.

861
01:02:43,182 --> 01:02:44,784
Let's focus.

862
01:02:44,884 --> 01:02:48,694
We get into Ted's office, we grab Mandy,
we get out of here.

863
01:02:48,794 --> 01:02:50,990
We got your back, Colonel.

864
01:02:52,890 --> 01:02:54,933
Colonel Sanders.

865
01:02:56,695 --> 01:02:58,950
Like the chicken guy.

866
01:03:00,232 --> 01:03:02,440
I just got that.

867
01:03:05,231 --> 01:03:08,062
All right, vam time. Focus.

868
01:03:14,379 --> 01:03:18,264
Okay, okay, okay. No sudden movements,
all right? Just calm careful motions.

869
01:03:18,364 --> 01:03:20,391
Like you're playing Jenga.

870
01:03:22,889 --> 01:03:25,191
So, you know, generally it's got
to be some kind of pass.

871
01:03:25,291 --> 01:03:27,427
- Phallusite people call yet?
- No, not yet.

872
01:03:27,527 --> 01:03:29,285
Maybe they're stuck in traffic.

873
01:03:31,129 --> 01:03:33,600
I don't recognize a lot of these people.

874
01:03:33,700 --> 01:03:36,185
That's the IT guy. There's Marketing.

875
01:03:36,285 --> 01:03:39,877
There's the Customer Service Call center.
I hired everyone in there.

876
01:03:40,277 --> 01:03:44,166
- That is ironic.
- Only if they eat us.

877
01:03:44,676 --> 01:03:46,345
Tim.

878
01:03:46,445 --> 01:03:50,739
What? Oh, did I jinx us? My bad.

879
01:03:54,186 --> 01:03:58,057
- Sanders, what the hell are you doing?
- Have... have you lost your mind?

880
01:03:58,157 --> 01:04:02,281
Amanda, I love you, but you have
no idea what's going on here.

881
01:04:02,381 --> 01:04:07,500
- Now you're saying way too much.
- Tim... Ted, we have a problem.

882
01:04:07,600 --> 01:04:12,672
Max, in addition to being a douchebag,
is also a vampire

883
01:04:12,772 --> 01:04:16,509
and he's turning every one
of your employees from the janitor on up.

884
01:04:16,609 --> 01:04:19,712
By the way,
your neck-biting custodial buddy

885
01:04:19,812 --> 01:04:22,627
is doing his best impression
of a Jackson Pollock painting

886
01:04:22,727 --> 01:04:25,271
- in the parking garage.
- Bam-snap!

887
01:04:25,371 --> 01:04:27,987
Jesus Christ.
Evan, what the fuck have you done?

888
01:04:28,087 --> 01:04:31,958
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to find good custodial help?

889
01:04:32,058 --> 01:04:34,561
- You popped Jerry?
- Jerry.

890
01:04:34,661 --> 01:04:38,341
- That sounds familiar. I almost...
- Yeah. Yeah. That was so embarrassing.

891
01:04:38,441 --> 01:04:41,518
- Did you just miss the whole un-dead thing?
- Yeah.

892
01:04:41,618 --> 01:04:44,804
God damn it, I know they're vampires.

893
01:04:44,904 --> 01:04:46,940
Wait... wait, what?

894
01:04:47,040 --> 01:04:49,525
I track how many paperclips
we use per quarter,

895
01:04:49,625 --> 01:04:52,031
you think I wouldn't notice
a vampire company take-over?

896
01:04:52,131 --> 01:04:53,946
How many paperclips
do we use per quarter?

897
01:04:54,046 --> 01:04:57,250
- Tim!
- Last quarter, 22415.

898
01:04:57,350 --> 01:05:00,587
See? Look at him.
He's a model employee now.

899
01:05:00,687 --> 01:05:03,846
Wait, you did this intentionally?

900
01:05:03,946 --> 01:05:06,526
Corporate was threatening
to shut down the entire branch,

901
01:05:06,626 --> 01:05:09,028
I simply presented Ted
with an alternative.

902
01:05:09,128 --> 01:05:13,866
His methods may seem a little unorthodox,
but you can't argue with the results.

903
01:05:13,966 --> 01:05:18,209
After your little stunt... in college!

904
01:05:19,871 --> 01:05:25,319
The only school that would take me
was this university in Romania.

905
01:05:26,279 --> 01:05:29,917
But it turns out, it had
a very unique MBA program,

906
01:05:30,717 --> 01:05:34,353
a whole new paradigm
in business management.

907
01:05:34,453 --> 01:05:39,425
What? Turning your employees
into vampires? That's sick!

908
01:05:39,525 --> 01:05:41,327
Evan, this company was sick.

909
01:05:41,427 --> 01:05:43,963
Employees calling in with fake,
dead grandmothers

910
01:05:44,063 --> 01:05:45,732
so that they could go out
to the ballpark.

911
01:05:45,832 --> 01:05:48,267
Video game tournaments
during office hours,

912
01:05:48,367 --> 01:05:50,937
and look at your browser histories.

913
01:05:51,037 --> 01:05:54,440
- I know you watch porn all day.
- That was mainly mine.

914
01:05:54,540 --> 01:05:56,375
At least now we have a future.

915
01:05:56,475 --> 01:06:01,277
Yeah, funny your usage
of the word "we" there.

916
01:06:01,581 --> 01:06:04,567
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Max was gonna fucking eat you.

917
01:06:04,667 --> 01:06:08,487
I saw it in his files. Why do you think
he hasn't turned you yet, Ted?

918
01:06:08,587 --> 01:06:12,922
He was going to turn me last.
Make it special with candles.

919
01:06:13,692 --> 01:06:15,733
That makes sense.

920
01:06:20,131 --> 01:06:22,001
You were going to force me out?

921
01:06:22,101 --> 01:06:25,254
Hey, quick, while you still
have time, Ted. Fire this...

922
01:06:25,354 --> 01:06:27,139
Oh, God!

923
01:06:27,239 --> 01:06:29,408
That actually works. He really did that.

924
01:06:29,508 --> 01:06:34,594
That is the worst part of this job.
Firing people.

925
01:06:34,694 --> 01:06:37,270
Oh, shit. Jeez. He just...

926
01:06:37,370 --> 01:06:39,152
- Hey, Mandy.
- His neck...

927
01:06:39,252 --> 01:06:42,121
Have you not been listening
this entire time?

928
01:06:42,221 --> 01:06:44,787
We are vampires. That's what we do.

929
01:06:44,887 --> 01:06:47,627
We get... still sounds so weird
saying vampires.

930
01:06:47,727 --> 01:06:49,495
So you just do it?

931
01:06:49,595 --> 01:06:52,707
It's true. Amanda you got to start
working on your stubbornness

932
01:06:52,807 --> 01:06:54,384
if you want to be a part of the team.

933
01:06:55,170 --> 01:07:01,274
Fuck your team, Max! I'm taking Amanda
and we're walking out of here un-undead.

934
01:07:01,374 --> 01:07:03,142
Is that so?

935
01:07:03,242 --> 01:07:05,945
Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do that.

936
01:07:08,780 --> 01:07:10,683
- Okay.
- Okay?

937
01:07:10,783 --> 01:07:13,119
Well, show yourselves out.

938
01:07:13,219 --> 01:07:16,990
Can I have a thing, maybe a...
This will do.

939
01:07:17,490 --> 01:07:20,059
- Bye, gang.
- Okay, yeah.

940
01:07:20,159 --> 01:07:21,627
- See you guys.
- See you, man.

941
01:07:21,727 --> 01:07:24,197
You got that? You got the door?

942
01:07:24,297 --> 01:07:26,870
Back up. Back up!

943
01:07:27,116 --> 01:07:29,501
Shit. Holy shit.

944
01:07:29,601 --> 01:07:32,371
- Are all these people vampires?
- Yes, ma'am.

945
01:07:32,471 --> 01:07:34,740
Mandy, I don't want to die
without telling you how I really feel.

946
01:07:34,840 --> 01:07:37,477
Then shut the fuck up, so you have
a reason to survive this shit.

947
01:07:37,577 --> 01:07:39,210
So what now, Colonel?

948
01:07:39,310 --> 01:07:42,481
Honestly, I have no idea.
I never thought we'd live this long.

949
01:07:42,581 --> 01:07:45,418
To think you came to rescue me
and you didn't plan an escape?

950
01:07:45,518 --> 01:07:48,726
Oh, don't Princess Leah me.
I'm thinking.

951
01:07:49,855 --> 01:07:52,325
- Okay, I've got it.
- Oh, hey, Dave.

952
01:07:52,425 --> 01:07:56,034
- Good luck getting your 20 bucks now, bitch.
- God damn it, Tim.

953
01:08:03,868 --> 01:08:06,089
God damn it. Now I'm definitely
gonna have to wash this shirt.

954
01:08:06,189 --> 01:08:08,774
Do you want me to... dive in?

955
01:08:08,874 --> 01:08:11,950
Oh, no, no, no, no. I need you
to learn how to delegate.

956
01:08:22,687 --> 01:08:26,030
Hey, decapitate. You gotta take it off.

957
01:08:27,125 --> 01:08:28,828
Hair pulling?

958
01:08:28,928 --> 01:08:33,171
Yipee-Taekwondo-rogue-
a-motherfucker. Oh, shit!

959
01:08:34,367 --> 01:08:37,275
Oh, God!
Your breath smells like cat-food.

960
01:08:45,444 --> 01:08:47,952
Oh, I don't like this.

961
01:08:58,156 --> 01:09:00,831
And I defended your hire.

962
01:09:09,768 --> 01:09:13,645
- Does this happen every time?
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, basically.

963
01:09:16,574 --> 01:09:19,248
Not if you kill them first, people.

964
01:09:19,679 --> 01:09:23,551
Learn how to take the initiative
if you don't want me to micro-manage.

965
01:09:30,288 --> 01:09:32,925
This is about the story as far as I...

966
01:09:33,925 --> 01:09:36,450
Well, now it's time to go to work.

967
01:09:38,630 --> 01:09:40,038
Oh, shit.

968
01:09:44,235 --> 01:09:46,890
Jesus, those walls are thin.

969
01:09:48,306 --> 01:09:50,676
So, my question is, I mean...

970
01:09:50,776 --> 01:09:53,930
When do you let your people make
their own mistakes so that they can learn?

971
01:09:54,030 --> 01:09:58,084
And when do you just jump in and do the job
yourself because you're more efficient?

972
01:09:58,184 --> 01:10:00,319
- It's a balance to be sure.
- Yeah.

973
01:10:00,719 --> 01:10:04,662
I'm going to need a minute, Dave.
I think I've re-injured my back.

974
01:10:09,812 --> 01:10:13,984
God damn it, Amanda!
I finally started boning her.

975
01:10:14,667 --> 01:10:16,341
Sorry.

976
01:10:18,037 --> 01:10:21,568
You know what?
That almost felt like... Oh, come on.

977
01:10:21,968 --> 01:10:23,292
Oh, did it just get dark?

978
01:10:23,392 --> 01:10:27,346
Should we be intervening here?
I mean, we are losing a lot of employees.

979
01:10:27,446 --> 01:10:30,950
- Don't worry about it. It's mostly marketing.
- Okay, I'll just run an ad.

980
01:10:31,050 --> 01:10:33,055
You fucker.

981
01:10:33,520 --> 01:10:34,625
Take that.

982
01:10:34,725 --> 01:10:38,145
Are you trying to repel me
with a cross made of pencils?

983
01:10:38,958 --> 01:10:41,660
Still, a good manager knows
when his staff is getting overextended.

984
01:10:41,760 --> 01:10:44,831
Be a dear and call downstairs
for me, would you?

985
01:10:44,931 --> 01:10:47,216
Can I use your office?
This is just kind of flat out here.

986
01:10:47,316 --> 01:10:48,968
Yeah, feel free. Make yourself at home.

987
01:10:49,068 --> 01:10:52,505
I know you rigged the raffle to win
the office trip to Cabo this year.

988
01:10:52,605 --> 01:10:54,230
That trip was mine!

989
01:10:57,075 --> 01:10:59,928
You do not want to know
where that came from.

990
01:11:04,583 --> 01:11:07,287
Who am I gonna get to stock
the supply closet now?

991
01:11:07,787 --> 01:11:10,623
I'm not a vampire expert, asshole.

992
01:11:10,723 --> 01:11:12,292
Enough.

993
01:11:12,392 --> 01:11:15,828
I want my $20, and then you die.

994
01:11:15,928 --> 01:11:18,699
I'm saving it for something else.

995
01:11:28,973 --> 01:11:31,243
Why don't we ever go dancing?

996
01:11:31,343 --> 01:11:33,951
Monday night is salsa night
at Vida Loca.

997
01:11:38,616 --> 01:11:43,067
I hope you and your dickhead pals
enjoyed picking on poor Dave,

998
01:11:43,167 --> 01:11:48,027
because now my veins surge
with a thousand generations of death.

999
01:11:48,127 --> 01:11:53,265
My claws are like hammers,
my teeth are like swords!

1000
01:11:53,365 --> 01:11:56,641
I am vengeance! And I am immortal!

1001
01:12:05,477 --> 01:12:07,313
I knew you were a good vampire.

1002
01:12:07,413 --> 01:12:11,123
I'm not a good vampire.
I just always hated Dave.

1003
01:12:14,052 --> 01:12:16,422
Well, what now, asshole?

1004
01:12:16,522 --> 01:12:19,395
Yeah, it looks like...
you're fresh out of friends.

1005
01:12:19,495 --> 01:12:21,411
Nah, I'll make more.

1006
01:12:22,632 --> 01:12:25,031
- That's a lot of blood!
- Yeah.

1007
01:12:25,131 --> 01:12:28,940
- Are you secure?
- Not in the slightest.

1008
01:12:29,969 --> 01:12:34,040
Fuck that NCAA pool. That was a bullshit
foul at the end of the UNC game.

1009
01:12:34,140 --> 01:12:35,207
Fucking Duke.

1010
01:12:35,307 --> 01:12:36,709
- You hungry?
- Yeah.

1011
01:12:36,809 --> 01:12:39,578
I can punch right into this thing.
It's hilarious.

1012
01:12:39,978 --> 01:12:41,097
Yeah!

1013
01:12:41,197 --> 01:12:44,337
Oh, honestly, guys...

1014
01:12:44,482 --> 01:12:47,053
did you really think
it was going to be that easy?

1015
01:12:47,153 --> 01:12:49,355
No, not at first, but then it...

1016
01:12:49,455 --> 01:12:52,011
- Once we got going, it was...
- Oh, come on!

1017
01:12:52,111 --> 01:12:56,364
You think I would attempt to take over
this company without consulting legal first?

1018
01:12:59,980 --> 01:13:01,955
Lawyers?

1019
01:13:06,137 --> 01:13:08,218
Amanda...

1020
01:13:08,318 --> 01:13:11,401
a private word with you
in my office please.

1021
01:13:16,660 --> 01:13:19,917
Amanda, where are you going?

1022
01:13:20,503 --> 01:13:22,922
I don't... I don't really know actually.

1023
01:13:23,022 --> 01:13:28,098
Remember when I did this to your girlfriend
in college without using supernatural powers?

1024
01:13:28,198 --> 01:13:31,297
I'm just saying why go pro when your school
has a chance at the Championships?

1025
01:13:31,397 --> 01:13:34,094
Run the risk of injury? No way.
You got to take the money and run.

1026
01:13:36,100 --> 01:13:40,454
Evan, you can go home for the day.
Frank, you can die.

1027
01:13:45,143 --> 01:13:48,314
It has been an honor and a pleasure
to serve with you, Colonel...

1028
01:13:48,414 --> 01:13:50,316
But it's time we parted ways.

1029
01:13:50,866 --> 01:13:54,753
Any-who, I'm going to turn you now.
I hope that's cool.

1030
01:13:54,853 --> 01:13:56,722
No, I don't want to be a vampire.

1031
01:13:57,022 --> 01:14:00,059
No, no, no, Frank.
They will... they will eat you alive.

1032
01:14:00,159 --> 01:14:02,228
Literally. Literally, literally.

1033
01:14:02,328 --> 01:14:05,361
Not the bullshit way most people use it.

1034
01:14:05,461 --> 01:14:08,148
You never know if you're the kind of guy
who'll jump on a grenade,

1035
01:14:08,248 --> 01:14:11,570
- till it lands at your feet.
- Man, that's intense.

1036
01:14:11,670 --> 01:14:14,774
Being a vampire is amazing.
We had a crazy vampire orgy last night

1037
01:14:14,874 --> 01:14:18,594
- It was mind-blowing.
- Yeah, but I just got some new golf clubs...

1038
01:14:18,694 --> 01:14:20,184
Thanks, Frank.

1039
01:14:20,284 --> 01:14:24,485
I'm going to recommend you for a meritorious
service medal when all this is over.

1040
01:14:24,585 --> 01:14:27,591
I'm not going to let you stake me so...

1041
01:14:29,787 --> 01:14:30,936
Some pickle?

1042
01:14:31,624 --> 01:14:35,633
Much obliged, sir.
Now go in there and kill our boss.

1043
01:14:41,332 --> 01:14:43,907
Come on! Come on!

1044
01:14:44,447 --> 01:14:47,957
Come on, get him! Get him!

1045
01:14:48,057 --> 01:14:52,112
Oh, hey, pal! I was just about to turn
your girl and fuck her on Ted's desk.

1046
01:14:53,312 --> 01:14:55,102
Sorry.

1047
01:14:55,548 --> 01:14:58,517
- My desk.
- Fucking dick.

1048
01:14:58,617 --> 01:15:01,804
Amanda, you need to focus on your job.

1049
01:15:01,904 --> 01:15:06,058
HR is going to be swamped
with all the new hires we're going to need.

1050
01:15:06,158 --> 01:15:08,027
Oh, let's just get this over with.

1051
01:15:08,127 --> 01:15:11,981
I'd rather die than listen to your
lame management style any longer.

1052
01:15:12,081 --> 01:15:16,485
My management style is effective.
And refreshing.

1053
01:15:16,835 --> 01:15:20,773
Okay, option seven,
you just eat like raccoons and stuff.

1054
01:15:20,873 --> 01:15:22,813
That is disgusting. No.

1055
01:15:24,876 --> 01:15:26,189
Evan...

1056
01:15:26,789 --> 01:15:28,648
do you remember
what I said we sell here?

1057
01:15:29,548 --> 01:15:32,785
- Dreams?
- Yeah, that was bullshit.

1058
01:15:32,885 --> 01:15:34,136
We sell fear.

1059
01:15:34,236 --> 01:15:38,657
Option eight, I don't turn you,
I just kill you.

1060
01:15:38,757 --> 01:15:40,993
No, that doesn't work for me,
'cause then I'm just dead.

1061
01:15:41,093 --> 01:15:43,662
Our customers are afraid.

1062
01:15:43,762 --> 01:15:49,006
Afraid that life is passing them by,
which to be fair, it is.

1063
01:15:49,567 --> 01:15:54,340
And that is why you
are perfect for this place.

1064
01:15:54,440 --> 01:15:58,801
Because you are a coward.

1065
01:16:00,912 --> 01:16:01,948
I'm sorry?

1066
01:16:02,448 --> 01:16:06,485
Okay, option nine, I let you go
but you have to promise not to kill anyone.

1067
01:16:06,585 --> 01:16:08,270
No way, man. A vamp's got to eat.

1068
01:16:08,370 --> 01:16:11,841
You were afraid to tell Amanda
that you love her because of why?

1069
01:16:12,091 --> 01:16:15,662
Because you work together?
Because she earns more than you?

1070
01:16:16,762 --> 01:16:20,360
Roshambo? Winner chooses our fate?

1071
01:16:22,166 --> 01:16:25,804
One, two, three, yes! Sorry.

1072
01:16:26,104 --> 01:16:30,392
You didn't even have the balls to quit
when this incompetent turd...

1073
01:16:30,692 --> 01:16:36,181
passed you over for the guy
you hate most on the face of the Earth.

1074
01:16:36,281 --> 01:16:38,956
You are so afraid of life.

1075
01:16:40,517 --> 01:16:44,804
That you actually want to be
sales manager in this shithole.

1076
01:16:44,904 --> 01:16:46,258
Mandy!

1077
01:16:46,358 --> 01:16:48,794
We are trying to have a conversation.

1078
01:16:50,190 --> 01:16:51,869
No!

1079
01:16:54,198 --> 01:16:57,178
- Well, two out of three?
- Yeah.

1080
01:16:57,278 --> 01:16:59,017
One, two, three.

1081
01:17:00,671 --> 01:17:03,876
I am not going to change you.
That's right.

1082
01:17:03,976 --> 01:17:09,415
I'll leave you alive and stuck
in this pathetic pointless job

1083
01:17:09,515 --> 01:17:12,890
from now, until the day you die.

1084
01:17:13,635 --> 01:17:15,749
This suit is bespoke.

1085
01:17:17,254 --> 01:17:19,325
One, two...

1086
01:17:19,425 --> 01:17:21,894
Sharing the desk with the photo printer,

1087
01:17:21,994 --> 01:17:26,966
while I stay young
with the woman you love,

1088
01:17:27,066 --> 01:17:29,961
immortal at my side.

1089
01:17:33,071 --> 01:17:35,614
I'd rather fucking die first.

1090
01:17:36,808 --> 01:17:40,110
Yeah, yeah, that's the way it works.

1091
01:17:52,191 --> 01:17:54,360
Holy shit!

1092
01:17:54,460 --> 01:17:56,628
I think I'm ready
to turn in my resignation.

1093
01:17:56,728 --> 01:17:58,368
Yeah.

1094
01:18:18,816 --> 01:18:21,895
You want this job? Then take it.

1095
01:18:23,589 --> 01:18:27,839
Die, you bloodsucking bastard!

1096
01:18:36,400 --> 01:18:38,475
Oh, shit.

1097
01:18:48,746 --> 01:18:52,848
Well, this is pretty much
the grossest thing I've ever seen.

1098
01:18:59,290 --> 01:19:02,066
I stand corrected.

1099
01:19:07,965 --> 01:19:08,990
Hey.

1100
01:19:11,369 --> 01:19:13,882
Is all this Max's blood?

1101
01:19:16,361 --> 01:19:19,445
Some of it's mine, some of it's Evan's.

1102
01:19:19,545 --> 01:19:20,585
Yeah.

1103
01:19:21,913 --> 01:19:23,687
Gross.

1104
01:19:24,015 --> 01:19:25,655
Yeah.

1105
01:19:26,417 --> 01:19:28,253
Hey, Frank?

1106
01:19:29,353 --> 01:19:31,662
Lost in the line of duty.

1107
01:19:32,557 --> 01:19:34,026
I really liked that guy.

1108
01:19:34,426 --> 01:19:36,762
Well, on the plus side, no more vamps.

1109
01:19:36,962 --> 01:19:38,602
Yeah.

1110
01:19:40,799 --> 01:19:42,247
Oh, hey...

1111
01:19:42,347 --> 01:19:44,962
another work day. Bitchin'.

1112
01:20:47,632 --> 01:20:51,537
- Is it weird that I'm hungry?
- Oh, I could eat.

1113
01:20:51,637 --> 01:20:55,741
- Where do you guys wanna go?
- Well, somewhere without blood on it.

1114
01:20:55,841 --> 01:20:58,147
That rules out Denny's.

1115
01:20:59,143 --> 01:21:01,142
Have a pizza.

1116
01:21:01,242 --> 01:21:03,327
Oh, shit.

1117
01:21:04,415 --> 01:21:06,518
Sorry, Mom. Are you still there?

1118
01:21:06,618 --> 01:21:08,754
Hey! Yeah.

1119
01:21:08,854 --> 01:21:11,959
No, you'll never guess
what happened at work.

1120
01:21:12,391 --> 01:21:15,198
Oh, you could hear it the whole time?

1121
01:21:32,677 --> 01:21:34,481
<i>Bastardo!</i>

1122
01:21:39,834 --> 01:21:43,104
Welcome to the team. My office in 10.

1123
01:21:44,305 --> 01:21:50,576
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