1
00:01:26,918 --> 00:01:28,618
How's everybody feeling?
2
00:01:33,956 --> 00:01:35,489
Now, if you would like
to wander,
3
00:01:35,491 --> 00:01:37,324
please feel free to do so,
4
00:01:37,326 --> 00:01:41,027
um, but be very careful
for potholes and snakes
5
00:01:41,029 --> 00:01:42,661
that may occur anywhere.
6
00:01:42,663 --> 00:01:45,964
And any other areas,
like the fuselage areas,
7
00:01:45,966 --> 00:01:48,833
please be careful, but by
all means go ahead and wander.
8
00:04:49,705 --> 00:04:51,572
What's the difference,
what's the difference
9
00:04:51,574 --> 00:04:56,309
between Courtney Love
and the American flag?
10
00:04:58,045 --> 00:05:02,214
It would be wrong to urinate
on the American flag.
11
00:05:05,884 --> 00:05:08,118
Ooh, yeah.
12
00:05:08,786 --> 00:05:10,953
What do you get--
What do you get
13
00:05:10,955 --> 00:05:16,591
when you cross Sir Elton John
with a saber tooth tiger?
14
00:05:18,293 --> 00:05:22,329
I don't know, but you better
keep it away from your ass!
15
00:05:28,435 --> 00:05:31,036
All right, so this is
a fun crowd.
16
00:05:33,405 --> 00:05:35,806
We got some other gags here,
gang.
17
00:05:37,408 --> 00:05:39,342
Why don't rapists--
18
00:05:39,676 --> 00:05:45,480
Why don't rapists eat
at T.G.I. Friday's?
19
00:05:47,416 --> 00:05:49,216
Well, it's hard
to go out and rape
20
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,351
when you have
a stomach ache.
21
00:05:53,453 --> 00:05:55,387
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
22
00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:19,540
Can you answer for me, did this
used to be a Days Inn?
23
00:06:20,675 --> 00:06:22,475
I really don't know.
- 'Cause I--
24
00:06:22,477 --> 00:06:25,411
I was swearing
I was here, uh...
25
00:06:27,148 --> 00:06:32,084
...in 2005 or something,
and it was a Days Inn.
26
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:45,963
Hi, sweetheart.
It's Daddy.
27
00:06:46,764 --> 00:06:50,566
I'm in the desert,
and it's beautiful.
28
00:06:50,568 --> 00:06:55,003
It's hot, but,
but it's beautiful.
29
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:56,771
And, um, today
30
00:06:56,773 --> 00:07:01,442
I took a tour of an airplane
graveyard they have out here,
31
00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:05,145
and they got every plane
you can think of:
32
00:07:05,147 --> 00:07:09,148
737, 747, jumbo jets.
33
00:07:09,150 --> 00:07:12,817
And you just walk
right into the planes.
34
00:07:14,386 --> 00:07:17,454
And, um...
35
00:07:19,757 --> 00:07:25,327
I, uh, I will talk
to you again soon.
36
00:07:25,329 --> 00:07:26,995
Good night.
37
00:12:08,871 --> 00:12:11,038
Why--
38
00:12:12,140 --> 00:12:13,540
Why?
39
00:12:13,542 --> 00:12:19,245
Why did Madonna feed her infant
baby Alpo brand dog food?
40
00:12:21,481 --> 00:12:22,781
Well, she had no choice,
41
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:24,783
that's just what
came out of her breasts.
42
00:12:24,785 --> 00:12:26,384
Eww.
43
00:12:26,386 --> 00:12:28,085
Yeah...
44
00:12:28,753 --> 00:12:31,888
Okay, so this is a fun crowd.
45
00:12:42,099 --> 00:12:43,699
Why...
46
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:48,437
Why did E.T.,
the Extra Terrestrial,
47
00:12:48,439 --> 00:12:51,039
love Reese's Pieces so much?
48
00:12:53,142 --> 00:12:55,977
Well because they have
the same flavor that cum does
49
00:12:55,979 --> 00:12:57,812
on his home planet.
50
00:12:59,781 --> 00:13:03,082
Yeah, right.
51
00:13:03,084 --> 00:13:04,650
Why...
52
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,884
Why did God
53
00:13:08,653 --> 00:13:11,721
let John Denver die?
54
00:13:12,689 --> 00:13:14,122
Because you suck.
55
00:13:14,124 --> 00:13:16,924
Come on.
56
00:13:16,926 --> 00:13:18,792
How we doin' for time?
57
00:13:18,794 --> 00:13:21,261
Time's up.
58
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:25,831
It's a rhetorical question
weirdo, huh?
59
00:13:26,199 --> 00:13:30,001
Speak your complaints into a
man's penis, not into thin air,
60
00:13:30,003 --> 00:13:33,204
because I'll tell ya,
these hardworking imbeciles here
61
00:13:33,206 --> 00:13:35,172
that paid their money
to come here
62
00:13:35,174 --> 00:13:37,974
and forget their problems
for one night,
63
00:13:37,976 --> 00:13:39,942
laugh their fool heads off,
64
00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:43,678
and they didn't pay to listen
to you, huh,
65
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,179
and your garbage talk.
66
00:13:45,181 --> 00:13:47,247
You're not
a professional comedian.
67
00:13:47,249 --> 00:13:49,616
You're a professional loser,
huh?
68
00:13:49,618 --> 00:13:52,852
You're a professional fatso!
What's your problem?
69
00:13:53,587 --> 00:13:57,189
Jesus Christ, can't you
just sit there with a smile
70
00:13:57,191 --> 00:14:00,525
splattered on your stupid face,
huh?
71
00:14:00,527 --> 00:14:04,327
Laugh your fool head off,
but shut your fool mouth!
72
00:14:05,429 --> 00:14:07,463
- Neil!
- Hey.
73
00:14:07,465 --> 00:14:08,931
Cousin John.
74
00:14:08,933 --> 00:14:10,899
- Hi, John.
- How ya doin'?
75
00:14:10,901 --> 00:14:13,367
- Good.
- I made it out.
76
00:14:14,569 --> 00:14:15,936
It was great.
77
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,738
Really great stuff. Funny.
78
00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:21,240
Thanks for coming to the show.
79
00:14:21,242 --> 00:14:25,977
Yeah, I was like, this'll--
this'll shock 'em.
80
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:29,913
Yep.
81
00:14:29,915 --> 00:14:32,548
I don't know how you
remember all that stuff.
82
00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:34,449
Yeah, it's a lot of stuff.
83
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:39,887
If it was me,
I'd just be: uh...
84
00:14:39,889 --> 00:14:41,355
Yeah.
85
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,762
That one guy,
he was out of line.
86
00:14:50,764 --> 00:14:52,029
That was--
87
00:14:52,031 --> 00:14:53,330
Yeah, they should--
88
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,498
They should have security or
something to take him out
89
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,868
because it just makes it hard
for me to do my job.
90
00:14:58,870 --> 00:15:00,202
- Exactly.
- It makes it--
91
00:15:00,204 --> 00:15:02,370
People are paying money
for me to do my job
92
00:15:02,372 --> 00:15:04,805
and then he does that
and then it just--
93
00:15:04,807 --> 00:15:06,072
It just ruins the night
for everyone.
94
00:15:06,074 --> 00:15:09,208
- Yeah.
- You know, it's--
95
00:15:09,210 --> 00:15:11,577
- Just doin' my job, you know.
- Right.
96
00:15:11,579 --> 00:15:13,445
You're out there,
you're doin' your job.
97
00:15:13,447 --> 00:15:16,614
Just trying to make
a nice night for people.
98
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,783
Yeah. You're the star,
he's in the audience.
99
00:15:19,785 --> 00:15:21,818
You shut him up good thought.
100
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:27,089
Yeah. Well, he's just a drunk,
you know?
101
00:15:27,091 --> 00:15:28,623
That's a lot-- That's--
102
00:15:28,625 --> 00:15:31,559
That's what we do in
this business really is sell...
103
00:15:32,894 --> 00:15:34,961
We're selling alcohol,
you know.
104
00:15:34,963 --> 00:15:37,797
That's why they will book me
in a place like this
105
00:15:37,799 --> 00:15:39,465
is to sell more alcohol,
you know.
106
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:42,034
They should have a--
They should have security
107
00:15:42,036 --> 00:15:44,236
and take him out,
but they don't have security,
108
00:15:44,238 --> 00:15:47,906
then I have to be
the security...
109
00:15:47,908 --> 00:15:49,207
and try to get them to leave,
you know?
110
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,108
Which shouldn't--
It's not part of my job,
111
00:15:51,110 --> 00:15:55,345
but it's become part of my job,
so, you know.
112
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:57,980
It shouldn't be my job at all.
113
00:15:58,414 --> 00:15:59,514
Right.
114
00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:02,016
It is a customer service thing,
though, you know.
115
00:16:02,018 --> 00:16:04,785
Like, these people are here,
they're payin',
116
00:16:04,787 --> 00:16:08,555
if you weird us out too much--
I mean, I loved it,
117
00:16:08,557 --> 00:16:10,223
I thought it was very funny,
it was great.
118
00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:12,291
You're up there,
puttin' yourself out there,
119
00:16:12,293 --> 00:16:14,192
but, I mean,
from a business point of view,
120
00:16:14,194 --> 00:16:16,727
if you want my,
that's what I do,
121
00:16:16,729 --> 00:16:19,496
I consult about business,
122
00:16:20,164 --> 00:16:24,033
and for you, I'd say
a strategy would be consider
123
00:16:24,601 --> 00:16:29,237
a little less of the weird
stuff, like "semen," that--
124
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:33,073
Some of the people were like,
"Whoa! Did he just say semen?"
125
00:16:34,008 --> 00:16:36,242
But others liked it, so...
126
00:16:36,509 --> 00:16:39,010
Yeah, I don't care. Like I said,
I thought it was great.
127
00:16:39,012 --> 00:16:41,045
You're up there,
you're puttin' yourself out...
128
00:16:41,479 --> 00:16:42,645
Yeah.
129
00:16:43,179 --> 00:16:45,280
Yeah, if you wanna
appeal to, like,
130
00:16:46,148 --> 00:16:48,048
all four quadrants, you know,
131
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,683
like all the different groups--
age groups--
132
00:16:50,685 --> 00:16:52,384
- Mm-hmm.
- You know,
133
00:16:54,053 --> 00:16:58,156
"semen" and all that
is a little bit much.
134
00:17:03,295 --> 00:17:05,529
Hello, sweetheart.
It's Daddy.
135
00:17:06,697 --> 00:17:09,364
Just, uh, checking in.
136
00:17:11,066 --> 00:17:13,133
Um, you're probably asleep.
137
00:17:13,734 --> 00:17:19,170
It's pretty late, but I got out
of the club pretty late so...
138
00:17:20,372 --> 00:17:24,441
But, um, yeah,
everything's going great.
139
00:17:25,009 --> 00:17:29,645
So I just wanted to, uh...
140
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,048
to check in with you and, um...
141
00:17:34,883 --> 00:17:36,350
I'll check in again.
142
00:17:37,418 --> 00:17:39,018
And, uh...
143
00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:45,523
Um...
144
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:47,524
Talk to ya later.
145
00:18:04,475 --> 00:18:07,443
Welcome to
California oil country.
146
00:18:07,445 --> 00:18:12,380
California started producing oil
in 1876.
147
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:17,417
We have produced about
28 and a half billion barrels
148
00:18:17,419 --> 00:18:19,218
of oil since.
149
00:18:19,220 --> 00:18:23,288
Visualize asphalt and
the oil is stuck
150
00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:26,991
between the little grains
of sand and gravel, okay?
151
00:18:27,192 --> 00:18:29,059
So, if you...
152
00:18:29,427 --> 00:18:32,595
See we're not exactly
in the Garden of Eden here,
153
00:18:32,597 --> 00:18:35,264
you know, but you've gotta go
where the oil is,
154
00:18:35,266 --> 00:18:39,834
and Kern County, uh,
because of its, uh,
155
00:18:40,101 --> 00:18:42,035
you know,
archaeological past,
156
00:18:42,037 --> 00:18:47,239
happens to have
70, uh, oil fields
157
00:18:47,241 --> 00:18:51,509
just within an area near
the size of Massachusetts.
158
00:18:51,511 --> 00:18:54,645
And, of course,
if this looks familiar to you,
159
00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:59,683
it may be because in 1970
they filmed Five Easy Pieces
160
00:18:59,685 --> 00:19:04,019
with Jack Nicholson and
Karen Black out in this area.
161
00:19:04,021 --> 00:19:06,054
Now, I'm not much
of an impersonator,
162
00:19:06,056 --> 00:19:09,624
but the classic, uh, line
is in the diner.
163
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:13,227
And I don't know if you remember
it or not, but he says,
164
00:19:13,229 --> 00:19:17,731
"All right, let me make
this easy for ya, okay?
165
00:19:17,733 --> 00:19:21,200
I want an omelet, plain,
166
00:19:21,801 --> 00:19:25,069
and a chicken salad sandwich
on wheat toast.
167
00:19:25,071 --> 00:19:30,240
Now, no butter, no mayo,
no lettuce,
168
00:19:30,874 --> 00:19:32,574
and a cup of coffee.
169
00:19:32,576 --> 00:19:34,676
Now, hold the chicken."
170
00:20:47,538 --> 00:20:49,338
Oh!
171
00:21:34,173 --> 00:21:36,007
Like that,
what I just did?
172
00:21:40,110 --> 00:21:41,777
Was it funny?
173
00:21:42,345 --> 00:21:44,245
You like fuckin' clowns, huh?
174
00:21:47,781 --> 00:21:50,282
Yeah, you like fuckin' clowns,
look at that hair.
175
00:21:59,625 --> 00:22:01,559
Well, that was more
than I expected.
176
00:22:02,260 --> 00:22:03,393
Oh, yeah?
177
00:22:03,395 --> 00:22:06,495
Yep. Crowd was a little dry.
178
00:22:07,196 --> 00:22:08,729
- But, uh...
- All right.
179
00:22:21,575 --> 00:22:23,876
Sorry.
180
00:22:27,613 --> 00:22:28,879
You're lucky.
181
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:31,547
All you got's glasses.
182
00:22:42,624 --> 00:22:48,494
Why did Carrot Top,
legendary, legendary, legendary
183
00:22:48,496 --> 00:22:51,463
Vegas comedian Carrot Top,
184
00:22:51,465 --> 00:22:54,799
prop comedian Carrot Top,
185
00:22:54,801 --> 00:23:00,570
legendary prop comedian
Carrot Top,
186
00:23:00,572 --> 00:23:06,575
legendary Vegas prop comedian
Carrot Top--
187
00:23:11,881 --> 00:23:14,215
Why did Carrot Top,
188
00:23:14,217 --> 00:23:17,450
legendary Carrot Top,
189
00:23:19,052 --> 00:23:20,619
refuse,
190
00:23:21,253 --> 00:23:23,887
absolutely refuse
191
00:23:24,255 --> 00:23:26,589
the pleading requests
192
00:23:26,591 --> 00:23:31,393
of the topless Playboy playmate
193
00:23:32,361 --> 00:23:35,362
who was naked in the jacuzzi
with him?
194
00:23:37,832 --> 00:23:41,767
Because she was begging him
to shoot himself in the head.
195
00:23:48,274 --> 00:23:49,841
I'm just trying
to earn a living.
196
00:23:49,843 --> 00:23:53,811
Come on, people, these are--
These are great jokes.
197
00:23:53,813 --> 00:23:57,481
We traveled a long distance
carrying these jokes
198
00:23:57,483 --> 00:23:58,882
in order to bring them here
199
00:23:58,884 --> 00:24:01,818
and thrust them
into your fool faces.
200
00:24:01,820 --> 00:24:05,655
So sit there and paste a smile
on your face and have some fun.
201
00:24:05,657 --> 00:24:08,557
That's what it's all about,
folks, having fun,
202
00:24:08,559 --> 00:24:12,126
forgetting your problems.
And you have a lot of problems,
203
00:24:12,128 --> 00:24:13,527
I can tell.
204
00:24:13,761 --> 00:24:16,362
Forget 'em just for a few
moments and just laugh with me.
205
00:24:16,364 --> 00:24:18,230
We're gonna have
so much fun.
206
00:24:18,232 --> 00:24:20,632
This is a great
group of friends here,
207
00:24:20,634 --> 00:24:23,101
my new friends here tonight,
huh?
208
00:24:27,905 --> 00:24:29,739
Okay, perfect. Thank you.
209
00:24:30,173 --> 00:24:31,840
Thanks for coming to the show.
210
00:24:37,379 --> 00:24:39,713
Great show, by the way.
You are really hilarious.
211
00:24:40,081 --> 00:24:41,481
Thank you.
212
00:24:43,717 --> 00:24:46,085
I don't know
how to tell you this.
213
00:24:46,087 --> 00:24:47,719
That hotel room didn't work out,
214
00:24:47,721 --> 00:24:49,654
but I did talk to my cousin,
Alejandro,
215
00:24:49,656 --> 00:24:51,689
and he said he'd
be willing to take you in.
216
00:24:59,765 --> 00:25:01,464
You talkin' to me?
217
00:25:02,299 --> 00:25:04,366
You talkin' to me?
218
00:25:05,401 --> 00:25:06,868
You talkin' to me?
219
00:25:07,569 --> 00:25:09,803
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah.
220
00:25:10,137 --> 00:25:12,972
- Fly, you pelican, fly!
- Um, Scarface.
221
00:25:12,974 --> 00:25:15,841
- Yeah, Scarface.
- Now, you go.
222
00:25:16,609 --> 00:25:18,643
He wants you
to do an impression.
223
00:25:19,211 --> 00:25:20,644
No.
224
00:26:15,861 --> 00:26:17,328
Hi.
225
00:27:52,786 --> 00:27:54,153
Hello?
226
00:27:56,055 --> 00:27:59,123
They pulled gold
out of here.
227
00:27:59,125 --> 00:28:01,258
They pulled silver,
228
00:28:01,260 --> 00:28:03,159
tungsten,
229
00:28:03,161 --> 00:28:04,860
nickel,
230
00:28:04,862 --> 00:28:06,261
copper.
231
00:28:06,263 --> 00:28:09,464
Everything comes either directly
or indirectly from the soil,
232
00:28:09,466 --> 00:28:12,834
as you can look around you,
there certainly is plenty of it.
233
00:28:22,411 --> 00:28:24,078
Hi, sweetheart.
234
00:28:26,147 --> 00:28:30,517
Uh, this is just really
difficult to get ahold of you.
235
00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:34,921
I just had to call
and tell you...
236
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,525
Sweet dreams.
237
00:29:55,798 --> 00:29:57,965
If nature was gonna grow
an orange, Neil,
238
00:29:57,967 --> 00:30:00,667
she would just make it
just enough meat,
239
00:30:00,669 --> 00:30:02,135
that's what we call this,
240
00:30:02,137 --> 00:30:05,705
just to fertilize the seed
once it falls, but man,
241
00:30:05,707 --> 00:30:07,606
we want all this sweet meat.
242
00:30:07,608 --> 00:30:10,742
So we pump it full of
fertilizer and water.
243
00:30:10,943 --> 00:30:12,977
- You want this?
- Nah, that's all right.
244
00:30:12,979 --> 00:30:14,311
I can't eat these either.
245
00:30:34,565 --> 00:30:37,466
Hey, did you, uh,
see that guy
246
00:30:37,468 --> 00:30:39,334
I was walking around here with?
247
00:30:39,336 --> 00:30:40,868
No.
248
00:30:40,870 --> 00:30:42,736
I was walking around
with a guy.
249
00:31:30,817 --> 00:31:34,252
I got a couple places
in town do great burgers.
250
00:31:36,822 --> 00:31:38,622
One of them is a bar
that serves burgers
251
00:31:38,624 --> 00:31:40,190
and one's just a restaurant.
252
00:31:40,524 --> 00:31:42,157
We need to get a beer.
253
00:31:52,500 --> 00:31:55,535
The foothills off to the left,
you see they start there?
254
00:31:55,537 --> 00:31:58,404
They start to the west and
they come across here?
255
00:31:58,406 --> 00:32:01,039
That's my property,
butts right up against that,
256
00:32:01,041 --> 00:32:03,408
the beginning of those hills
behind my house.
257
00:32:07,745 --> 00:32:09,345
- You alive?
- Yeah.
258
00:32:10,613 --> 00:32:14,181
You gotta talk right up against
the mic or I can't hear you.
259
00:32:15,149 --> 00:32:17,650
- Yeah.
- Okay.
260
00:32:30,930 --> 00:32:34,065
You all right?
Watch the legs.
261
00:32:37,468 --> 00:32:38,868
Cool, huh?
262
00:32:48,378 --> 00:32:49,945
Here we go.
263
00:32:51,213 --> 00:32:53,047
Pino Roja.
264
00:32:53,049 --> 00:32:55,082
So if you sleep with Kenny G,
265
00:32:55,084 --> 00:32:56,450
if you go to bed
with Kenny G
266
00:32:56,452 --> 00:32:58,585
and he gives you one of--
What was it?
267
00:32:58,587 --> 00:33:00,720
And he gives you
one of his records...
268
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:02,821
Um...
269
00:33:02,955 --> 00:33:05,856
Wait, no. Whatever.
270
00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:08,792
If you sleep with Kenny G, uh,
271
00:33:08,794 --> 00:33:12,028
and he gives you his record,
then, uh--
272
00:33:12,030 --> 00:33:14,397
What is it? Tell her.
273
00:33:14,731 --> 00:33:17,132
I don't wanna do it here.
274
00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:19,967
All right, I remember.
Um...
275
00:33:20,668 --> 00:33:23,436
What's the worst thing that
just happened to you?
276
00:33:24,237 --> 00:33:26,438
You're stuck
with a Kenny G record.
277
00:33:27,606 --> 00:33:29,807
I can't do it.
278
00:33:29,809 --> 00:33:31,141
Neil knows how to do it. I...
279
00:33:31,143 --> 00:33:33,476
It's a little
different but...
280
00:33:41,916 --> 00:33:43,349
Are you gonna tell me?
281
00:33:44,117 --> 00:33:45,717
I told him about the Kenny G.
282
00:33:45,719 --> 00:33:47,351
Oh, okay.
I just want--
283
00:33:47,353 --> 00:33:50,420
You two guys start talking and
I don't know what you're sayin'.
284
00:33:51,822 --> 00:33:56,759
The real shitty thing about it
was half the place was empty.
285
00:33:56,761 --> 00:33:59,394
I mean, he's tellin' this
funny stuff, some of it weird,
286
00:33:59,396 --> 00:34:01,496
you know,
but a lot of funny stuff,
287
00:34:01,498 --> 00:34:03,764
and people weren't there,
you know? That was a shame.
288
00:34:03,766 --> 00:34:05,165
There were
some people there, just--
289
00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:06,566
No, it pissed me off!
290
00:34:06,568 --> 00:34:09,001
I was standing there, like,
"What is this?"
291
00:34:09,003 --> 00:34:11,303
Empty seats?
Who's bookin' this thing?
292
00:34:11,305 --> 00:34:13,271
I don't know who picked
that place for you.
293
00:34:13,273 --> 00:34:15,840
You know that place downtown,
The Alley?
294
00:34:15,842 --> 00:34:18,576
- The Alley.
- Dirty. Filthy.
295
00:34:19,244 --> 00:34:22,246
Anyway, you need a business plan
is what I'm sayin', you know?
296
00:34:22,248 --> 00:34:23,914
That's just product
you're throwin' away.
297
00:34:23,916 --> 00:34:26,116
If you see an empty seat
and you tell a joke
298
00:34:26,118 --> 00:34:27,417
and there's no one in that seat
299
00:34:27,684 --> 00:34:29,418
you're just throwin' that joke
away into that seat.
300
00:34:29,420 --> 00:34:31,119
- Right.
- I wanna make sure
301
00:34:31,121 --> 00:34:32,386
people know
before they get there,
302
00:34:32,653 --> 00:34:35,221
and if they don't know
and it's still half empty,
303
00:34:35,223 --> 00:34:37,223
I'm gonna give 'em a 2-for-1.
I'm gonna say
304
00:34:37,225 --> 00:34:39,491
- bring a friend for free.
- Excuse me.
305
00:34:56,305 --> 00:34:58,004
I gotta stick around here
all the time,
306
00:34:58,006 --> 00:35:01,407
'cause if I leave this one here
in charge of stuff,
307
00:35:01,409 --> 00:35:03,675
he starts making decisions
without me,
308
00:35:04,610 --> 00:35:06,644
and then it's her and him
talkin' Spanish
309
00:35:06,646 --> 00:35:09,647
and I can't understand what's
going on because, you know,
310
00:35:09,649 --> 00:35:11,348
Mexican culture,
the older guy,
311
00:35:11,350 --> 00:35:13,249
he's supposed to be the
patriarch or whatever,
312
00:35:13,251 --> 00:35:15,684
it's bullshit.
It's my house.
313
00:35:16,118 --> 00:35:17,551
I should be making
the decisions.
314
00:35:17,553 --> 00:35:18,952
Okay.
315
00:35:21,488 --> 00:35:23,388
I'll be right back.
316
00:35:37,166 --> 00:35:38,431
Hmm?
317
00:36:32,780 --> 00:36:35,448
This is all me.
Up to that first ridge,
318
00:36:38,285 --> 00:36:39,551
it's all me.
319
00:36:41,086 --> 00:36:43,320
- How's your son?
- My daughter?
320
00:36:43,322 --> 00:36:46,423
Yeah, that's right.
Sorry, I knew that.
321
00:36:46,425 --> 00:36:48,291
Um, yeah.
322
00:36:49,026 --> 00:36:51,427
Yeah, she's really good.
She's doing great.
323
00:36:51,429 --> 00:36:53,862
What's her name again?
- Maria.
324
00:36:55,064 --> 00:36:57,231
Maria,
like after Grandma Maria?
325
00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:00,100
Nah, after Maria
from West Side Story.
326
00:37:00,601 --> 00:37:02,268
Huh!
327
00:37:03,770 --> 00:37:05,303
What's your game plan?
328
00:37:05,305 --> 00:37:07,538
What's the career plan,
where do you, where do you,
329
00:37:07,540 --> 00:37:08,872
where do you wanna be?
330
00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:11,007
Where's this leadin' to?
331
00:37:11,708 --> 00:37:16,010
I just wanna keep working,
but we've got, um...
332
00:37:16,444 --> 00:37:18,711
I mean, where's the growth
potential?
333
00:37:19,279 --> 00:37:21,513
I got this call, uh,
334
00:37:21,515 --> 00:37:26,317
yesterday about this,
uh, this party,
335
00:37:26,319 --> 00:37:29,320
this kind of private
engagement in Hollywood.
336
00:37:29,688 --> 00:37:30,854
- Really?
- Yeah.
337
00:37:31,088 --> 00:37:34,190
At the house of a pretty
well-known celebrity
338
00:37:34,192 --> 00:37:37,660
and he's gonna have a lot of
his celebrity friends there.
339
00:37:37,662 --> 00:37:40,162
- And I'm gonna perform.
- Who's gonna be there?
340
00:37:41,364 --> 00:37:44,232
Liza Minnelli.
- Liza Minnelli.
341
00:37:44,633 --> 00:37:47,001
- She's Judy Garland's daughter.
- Yep.
342
00:37:47,135 --> 00:37:48,735
Remember?
The Wizard of Oz?
343
00:37:49,403 --> 00:37:50,770
I used to--
We used to get that--
344
00:37:50,772 --> 00:37:53,005
watch that movie
once a year on TV.
345
00:37:53,007 --> 00:37:55,674
It would come on TV
and I would sing.
346
00:37:55,676 --> 00:37:57,542
I'd sing that rainbow song.
347
00:37:59,311 --> 00:38:00,577
Loved it.
348
00:38:02,646 --> 00:38:06,248
What was that one
that used to make my mom cry?
349
00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:07,616
Um...
350
00:39:06,741 --> 00:39:08,341
All right, cuz.
351
00:39:09,810 --> 00:39:11,710
Hey.
352
00:39:11,712 --> 00:39:13,578
It's been great
havin' ya here.
353
00:39:14,079 --> 00:39:16,046
You can stay longer
if ya want.
354
00:39:18,115 --> 00:39:19,981
I mean,
we've got these rooms.
355
00:39:21,850 --> 00:39:23,650
It's just...
356
00:39:25,219 --> 00:39:27,285
...good to have you
back in my life.
357
00:39:29,121 --> 00:39:31,222
Sorry it's been so long.
358
00:39:32,257 --> 00:39:35,259
You're a good boy,
you try your best,
359
00:39:35,261 --> 00:39:38,695
you do this weird show,
but it doesn't matter
360
00:39:38,697 --> 00:39:41,164
because you're trying, you're
getting yourself out there
361
00:39:41,166 --> 00:39:43,699
and you're trying to tell jokes
that make people happy,
362
00:39:43,701 --> 00:39:46,068
that's what's important,
just keep doing it.
363
00:39:46,803 --> 00:39:49,604
Go to bed, go to sleep,
turn off the lights.
364
00:40:30,310 --> 00:40:32,744
Put one in each chamber,
365
00:40:33,479 --> 00:40:35,780
so when you're ready to go,
just yell, "Pull."
366
00:40:35,782 --> 00:40:37,080
Okay.
367
00:40:39,516 --> 00:40:40,749
Pull!
368
00:40:45,854 --> 00:40:47,354
Pull!
369
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,627
Okay. Pull!
370
00:41:03,166 --> 00:41:04,599
Pull!
371
00:41:08,536 --> 00:41:10,603
Pull.
372
00:42:15,098 --> 00:42:17,799
...the color blue.
373
00:42:18,133 --> 00:42:21,368
And he found that it actually
enhances the growth of crops.
374
00:42:23,637 --> 00:42:24,837
Blue.
375
00:42:27,874 --> 00:42:29,441
The throat.
376
00:42:34,613 --> 00:42:36,347
Yellow.
377
00:42:38,016 --> 00:42:39,883
Stomach, liver...
378
00:42:43,187 --> 00:42:44,687
...ego.
379
00:42:50,392 --> 00:42:52,892
Green. The heart...
380
00:42:53,927 --> 00:42:55,460
...nature.
381
00:42:59,063 --> 00:43:00,396
Red.
382
00:43:02,732 --> 00:43:04,232
Vitality...
383
00:43:05,968 --> 00:43:07,702
...energy.
384
00:44:15,170 --> 00:44:16,770
Um...
385
00:44:17,271 --> 00:44:19,272
You all right?
- Yeah.
386
00:45:54,098 --> 00:45:55,932
- Hi.
- Hi.
387
00:46:07,310 --> 00:46:08,777
Thank you.
388
00:46:13,649 --> 00:46:15,549
What do you do?
389
00:46:18,519 --> 00:46:20,720
Uh, I have this,
this little--
390
00:46:22,723 --> 00:46:26,659
This comedy show
that I travel around with.
391
00:46:42,809 --> 00:46:45,177
If you don't have a seminar
or something tomorrow afternoon,
392
00:46:45,378 --> 00:46:51,516
I have a show pretty close to
here that we're doing at 2:00.
393
00:49:16,356 --> 00:49:19,891
They are gonna fuck it up,
we gotta get 'em outta here!
394
00:49:19,893 --> 00:49:22,460
Bad news, bad news, buddy.
395
00:49:22,828 --> 00:49:25,563
Hootin' and hollerin' and
laughin' and lovin' life.
396
00:49:26,164 --> 00:49:28,230
Bad news, bad news.
397
00:49:49,550 --> 00:49:51,350
You all right?
398
00:49:51,352 --> 00:49:52,784
Yep.
399
00:50:09,901 --> 00:50:11,468
My friends and I, uh,
400
00:50:11,602 --> 00:50:15,605
we really enjoyed your show
and we wanted to know if, uh,
401
00:50:15,607 --> 00:50:17,306
you wanted
to make some videos with us.
402
00:50:17,308 --> 00:50:20,976
We do like an online, um, blog
403
00:50:20,978 --> 00:50:23,778
and we were wondering if you,
you know, might be interested
404
00:50:23,780 --> 00:50:25,279
in something like that.
405
00:52:09,914 --> 00:52:11,981
Hi, sweetheart.
406
00:52:11,983 --> 00:52:16,452
Um, it was a long, long day.
407
00:52:21,857 --> 00:52:23,757
Do you believe in God?
408
00:56:24,163 --> 00:56:25,963
- Hey.
- Hey.
409
00:56:25,965 --> 00:56:27,998
Um, I just wanted to come by
410
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:30,500
and say thank you
for having me along.
411
00:56:34,637 --> 00:56:36,270
It's been great.
412
00:56:41,775 --> 00:56:43,342
Yeah, it's been fun.
413
00:56:45,078 --> 00:56:48,013
Oh, did you get
a hotel room yet?
414
00:56:48,015 --> 00:56:49,481
No.
415
00:56:49,682 --> 00:56:52,483
I have two beds, you should just
stay with me, it'll be cheaper.
416
00:56:54,786 --> 00:56:58,354
Um, all right, listen,
well I'll see you out there.
417
00:56:58,356 --> 00:56:59,555
Good luck.
418
00:57:00,290 --> 00:57:01,690
You too.
419
00:57:06,761 --> 00:57:11,497
During his long,
legendary broadcasting career,
420
00:57:11,499 --> 00:57:18,203
what was the number one question
most often asked by Larry King?
421
00:57:20,739 --> 00:57:24,141
"Should I be concerned about
blood in my diarrhea?"
422
00:57:27,477 --> 00:57:31,012
What was Elvis Presley's
worst ever release?
423
00:57:33,382 --> 00:57:37,017
The ejaculation
containing Lisa Marie.
424
00:57:41,755 --> 00:57:43,021
That's odd.
425
00:57:43,023 --> 00:57:44,889
What's the worst thing,
the worst thing
426
00:57:44,891 --> 00:57:50,193
about being gang raped
by Crosby, Stills and Nash?
427
00:57:51,762 --> 00:57:53,462
No Young.
428
00:57:56,866 --> 00:58:01,469
Oh, boy,
what else do we have here?
429
00:58:03,506 --> 00:58:06,273
And what do you call
the creatures, the creatures--
430
00:58:06,275 --> 00:58:08,107
Why don't you just go
without me?
431
00:58:10,376 --> 00:58:12,643
Why don't you shut your mouth,
little lady?
432
00:58:13,211 --> 00:58:15,212
We're trying to do a show here.
433
00:58:15,214 --> 00:58:18,348
For real?
- Yeah, for real, huh?
434
00:58:18,350 --> 00:58:20,249
Just shut up
so I can do the jokes
435
00:58:20,251 --> 00:58:22,117
and we can all
get out of here, huh?
436
00:58:22,119 --> 00:58:23,585
On the outside of the building
437
00:58:23,587 --> 00:58:25,653
it didn't say
that we were in hell,
438
00:58:25,655 --> 00:58:28,656
and then the few moments after
when the stink
439
00:58:28,658 --> 00:58:30,357
from your syphilis breath,
440
00:58:30,359 --> 00:58:33,793
it started wafting over all
the gentlemen and ladies
441
00:58:33,795 --> 00:58:36,328
who have come out
for the show tonight,
442
00:58:36,330 --> 00:58:38,630
excluding yourself, of course.
443
00:58:38,632 --> 00:58:41,966
The minute that
the waft of stench, huh,
444
00:58:41,968 --> 00:58:43,968
from the herpes and the syphilis
445
00:58:43,970 --> 00:58:46,003
and the lice that you eat, huh,
446
00:58:46,005 --> 00:58:47,804
the minute that started coming--
447
00:58:55,676 --> 00:58:57,343
You little whore.
448
00:58:58,278 --> 00:59:00,479
What makes you think
you can come here
449
00:59:00,481 --> 00:59:03,949
and throw a drink at someone
who's traveled a great distance
450
00:59:03,951 --> 00:59:06,484
to bring laughs
to this community, huh?
451
00:59:06,486 --> 00:59:08,185
What the hell's wrong with you?
452
00:59:08,386 --> 00:59:11,388
Mental-- Mental illness, huh?
453
00:59:11,390 --> 00:59:14,758
Mental-- Oh, I guess you didn't
throw the drink, though.
454
00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:16,726
She slipped and the drink fell.
455
00:59:16,728 --> 00:59:20,429
She slipped on all the semen
gushing out of her ass
456
00:59:20,431 --> 00:59:23,632
when she stood up, huh?
She slipped on that, huh?
457
00:59:23,634 --> 00:59:26,701
Surprised you didn't
break your chin on the fall,
458
00:59:26,703 --> 00:59:29,370
and then get the semen
into the infected cut.
459
00:59:29,372 --> 00:59:32,539
But you have plenty
of infected cuts already.
460
00:59:33,507 --> 00:59:36,609
The little whore's
having a tantrum.
461
00:59:36,611 --> 00:59:38,344
She's having a tantrum.
462
00:59:38,346 --> 00:59:42,681
Oh no, she heard a joke
she didn't like.
463
00:59:42,683 --> 00:59:44,949
So now she's gonna cry
like a little baby
464
00:59:44,951 --> 00:59:46,383
and throw her poo-poo around.
465
00:59:46,617 --> 00:59:49,784
Get the hell out of here,
garbage woman, huh!
466
00:59:50,285 --> 00:59:52,152
You little whore.
467
00:59:52,419 --> 00:59:54,353
You little whore.
468
00:59:55,822 --> 00:59:59,090
That took the wind
out of my sails, I'll tell ya.
469
01:00:00,759 --> 01:00:03,260
Because that's
unacceptable behavior.
470
01:00:03,262 --> 01:00:06,096
When someone travels
this great distance
471
01:00:06,098 --> 01:00:08,064
to bring these jokes
for you people,
472
01:00:08,066 --> 01:00:09,999
to bring some joy
into your lives,
473
01:00:10,001 --> 01:00:13,569
and I'm literally
plucking jokes out of my heart
474
01:00:13,571 --> 01:00:16,705
and thrusting them
into your fool faces.
475
01:00:16,707 --> 01:00:19,307
And to have somebody do
something like that,
476
01:00:19,309 --> 01:00:23,310
really stinks up the evening,
wouldn't you agree?
477
01:00:31,384 --> 01:00:33,885
I'm a whore, huh?
478
01:00:35,187 --> 01:00:37,488
I'm a whore, huh?
479
01:00:38,256 --> 01:00:41,024
Fuck.
480
01:00:41,191 --> 01:00:42,724
How does that feel?
481
01:01:07,011 --> 01:01:08,544
You okay?
482
01:01:15,584 --> 01:01:17,885
Can you help me
find my glasses?
483
01:02:02,094 --> 01:02:05,329
They should change the name of
that place to The Sewer Club.
484
01:02:05,331 --> 01:02:07,264
The sewer...
485
01:02:07,698 --> 01:02:09,265
The Sewer Club.
486
01:02:10,367 --> 01:02:13,369
No fuckin' security
for the artists.
487
01:02:13,371 --> 01:02:16,338
You're just on your own.
488
01:02:16,340 --> 01:02:19,307
Somebody stabs you in the eye,
fuck you.
489
01:02:19,309 --> 01:02:20,708
- You're on your own.
490
01:02:20,710 --> 01:02:22,609
Why don't you take off
your fuckin' shoes?
491
01:02:22,611 --> 01:02:24,510
Why don't they take some
of the money from the drinks
492
01:02:24,512 --> 01:02:26,778
and use it to buy
some security guards
493
01:02:26,780 --> 01:02:29,881
so that we're protected
from weirdoes.
494
01:02:33,619 --> 01:02:36,387
You can't have a fucking
nightclub with no security.
495
01:02:36,389 --> 01:02:39,490
You can't have people drinking
their fucking brains out
496
01:02:39,492 --> 01:02:42,893
and then you're stuck there
in the firing line
497
01:02:42,895 --> 01:02:44,694
of these cocksuckers
498
01:02:45,629 --> 01:02:48,597
and meth freak-o drug assholes.
499
01:02:54,503 --> 01:02:57,238
- Why don't you get some rest?
- Fuck that.
500
01:03:02,142 --> 01:03:03,642
Fuck you.
501
01:04:09,270 --> 01:04:11,004
Hi, sweetheart.
502
01:04:15,776 --> 01:04:17,443
It's okay now.
503
01:04:18,278 --> 01:04:20,045
Everybody's okay.
504
01:04:22,548 --> 01:04:24,615
I miss you so much.
505
01:09:23,734 --> 01:09:25,601
Hey, man.
506
01:09:26,402 --> 01:09:28,269
Wait, wait. Sorry, sorry!
507
01:09:28,870 --> 01:09:30,736
Uh, can I ask you a question?
508
01:09:33,139 --> 01:09:34,906
Um, I'm sorry, I just--
509
01:09:35,641 --> 01:09:37,341
I'm Tommy, what's your name?
510
01:09:39,577 --> 01:09:41,511
Gene.
511
01:09:41,678 --> 01:09:44,446
Gene?
Uh, okay, Gene.
512
01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:46,847
I'm really sorry,
513
01:09:46,849 --> 01:09:48,982
I don't mean to make you
uncomfortable or anything.
514
01:09:53,854 --> 01:09:55,221
My car broke down
and I didn't want
515
01:09:55,223 --> 01:09:57,823
to drain the battery
and run the engine
516
01:09:57,825 --> 01:09:59,457
and something's wrong with
the transmission, I think.
517
01:09:59,459 --> 01:10:02,192
So I just came in here
because it's warmer in here.
518
01:10:03,827 --> 01:10:05,393
Don't you think it is?
519
01:10:08,063 --> 01:10:10,631
Can I come out and stay in your
car and hang out
520
01:10:10,633 --> 01:10:13,733
until somebody gets here,
to stay warm?
521
01:10:15,635 --> 01:10:19,003
It's better if you stay
in here. It's warmer here.
522
01:10:20,672 --> 01:10:22,105
Safer.
523
01:10:24,675 --> 01:10:26,342
In here?
524
01:10:27,010 --> 01:10:28,276
Yeah.
525
01:10:29,811 --> 01:10:31,711
Than in your car?
526
01:10:33,413 --> 01:10:34,946
Yeah.
527
01:10:37,049 --> 01:10:39,050
Okay, you think
it's safer here?
528
01:10:44,623 --> 01:10:46,023
Okay.
529
01:10:49,861 --> 01:10:51,595
Will you stay in here with me
and keep me company
530
01:10:51,597 --> 01:10:53,029
until someone gets here?
531
01:12:00,425 --> 01:12:02,092
Hi, sweetheart.
532
01:12:06,229 --> 01:12:08,263
Remember this?
533
01:12:08,265 --> 01:12:09,864
Remember this?
534
01:12:47,500 --> 01:12:49,233
Why?
535
01:12:51,302 --> 01:12:53,803
Why?
536
01:12:54,171 --> 01:12:55,871
Why?
537
01:12:57,306 --> 01:12:59,439
Why?
538
01:13:02,042 --> 01:13:04,276
Hey, man, you saw--
You know that-- You saw that--
539
01:13:04,278 --> 01:13:07,679
You remember that video
I showed you with the, uh--
540
01:13:07,681 --> 01:13:11,315
They're chasing the bike with
the red, uh, gas tank.
541
01:13:11,317 --> 01:13:15,551
The guy falls off and breaks his
neck and dies, that guy?
542
01:13:15,553 --> 01:13:17,252
He died?
- The cops were chasing--
543
01:13:17,254 --> 01:13:19,053
- Yeah, he died.
- He died?
544
01:13:19,055 --> 01:13:21,422
The guy who fell off died, yeah.
Broke his neck.
545
01:13:21,556 --> 01:13:22,956
I want that red.
546
01:13:23,157 --> 01:13:25,124
You want to die with
a broken neck?
547
01:13:25,126 --> 01:13:27,559
No, I want the red,
I want the red, uh, gas tank.
548
01:13:27,561 --> 01:13:29,360
You can have one piece of red
on your bike
549
01:13:29,362 --> 01:13:31,362
and the cops won't notice.
You know what I'm talking about.
550
01:13:31,364 --> 01:13:33,464
If you get a whole red bike,
the cops'll look at you.
551
01:13:33,466 --> 01:13:36,033
They'll find you,
they'll see you easily.
552
01:13:36,035 --> 01:13:37,334
They'll come after you.
553
01:13:37,336 --> 01:13:40,236
You're gonna die.
You're gonna die
554
01:13:40,238 --> 01:13:44,306
because of a red stripe
on your motorcycle.
555
01:13:44,308 --> 01:13:47,375
You can decide on one
thing and I want the gas tank,
556
01:13:47,377 --> 01:13:50,344
- I want yellow rims.
- Yellow rims.
557
01:13:50,346 --> 01:13:53,113
Fuckin' bright, bright,
bright as the sun.
558
01:13:53,115 --> 01:13:56,282
You're the only girl
I ever met with a beard.
559
01:14:00,386 --> 01:14:01,953
Yellow rims.
560
01:14:01,955 --> 01:14:03,621
Yeah. Yellow rims.
561
01:14:04,155 --> 01:14:05,855
You gonna
go around topless?
562
01:14:05,857 --> 01:14:07,256
Yeah.
563
01:14:28,377 --> 01:14:29,944
Hey.
564
01:14:30,979 --> 01:14:33,180
Hey! Hey.
565
01:15:03,308 --> 01:15:05,342
Marco!
566
01:15:07,878 --> 01:15:09,944
Marco!
567
01:15:12,714 --> 01:15:14,581
Marco!
568
01:15:15,282 --> 01:15:16,882
Polo!
569
01:15:16,884 --> 01:15:18,984
Marco.
570
01:18:16,720 --> 01:18:18,821
Oh, I can't!
571
01:18:38,574 --> 01:18:40,841
Help me, please.
572
01:20:37,754 --> 01:20:40,822
You got kids?
You got any children?
573
01:20:43,425 --> 01:20:46,926
I got a,
I got son here in this town.
574
01:20:47,193 --> 01:20:48,993
Yeah. I just--
575
01:20:48,995 --> 01:20:51,261
I rolled through today
and I hadn't seen him
576
01:20:51,263 --> 01:20:53,696
in like ten years.
577
01:20:53,963 --> 01:20:56,030
It's his birthday today.
578
01:20:56,798 --> 01:20:59,933
I took him out,
played some miniature golf.
579
01:21:00,567 --> 01:21:02,834
You're not gonna believe
what happened.
580
01:21:02,836 --> 01:21:05,303
There we were, right, we were
just at the first hole
581
01:21:05,305 --> 01:21:07,972
of this mini-golf course
right outside of town,
582
01:21:08,640 --> 01:21:10,907
and, you know,
we're having a good time.
583
01:21:10,909 --> 01:21:12,608
It's a little awkward,
I hadn't seen him in a while.
584
01:21:12,742 --> 01:21:14,809
He looks up at me, he says
the fuckin' weirdest thing.
585
01:21:15,510 --> 01:21:18,545
He says, uh, "Hey, hey, Dad?
586
01:21:18,946 --> 01:21:22,180
What-- What does a woman's
vagina look like?"
587
01:21:22,648 --> 01:21:25,049
Right? He says this to me.
588
01:21:25,850 --> 01:21:27,717
I didn't know
what to fuckin' say, man,
589
01:21:27,719 --> 01:21:30,720
I was like, uh, "I don't know."
I mean...
590
01:21:30,954 --> 01:21:33,922
I said, "Well, before sex
591
01:21:33,924 --> 01:21:35,990
a woman's vagina looks like, uh,
592
01:21:36,691 --> 01:21:42,094
two rose petals with teardrops
of heaven glistening on it."
593
01:21:42,895 --> 01:21:45,696
We played a couple more holes,
you know...
594
01:21:46,798 --> 01:21:49,833
just trying to get to know
one another and he says, uh--
595
01:21:50,167 --> 01:21:52,168
He brings it back up.
596
01:21:52,170 --> 01:21:53,736
He said, um...
597
01:21:54,270 --> 01:21:58,539
"Okay, what does a woman's
vagina look like after sex?"
598
01:22:00,642 --> 01:22:04,777
I was like, uh, "After sex?
599
01:22:05,278 --> 01:22:08,079
It's like a-- I don't know.
600
01:22:08,547 --> 01:22:10,648
You ever seen
an extremely large bulldog
601
01:22:10,650 --> 01:22:12,916
eating out of
a vat of mayonnaise?"
602
01:22:17,487 --> 01:22:20,889
So, he liked that.
603
01:22:20,891 --> 01:22:22,423
He liked that.
604
01:22:24,526 --> 01:22:27,060
But, um, if I could
just get real
605
01:22:27,062 --> 01:22:30,496
with you guys for a second here,
just, uh, comedy aside.
606
01:22:30,498 --> 01:22:32,931
Um, I'm not new to this area.
607
01:22:32,933 --> 01:22:37,535
I have a ten-year-old son here
and today was his birthday.
608
01:22:37,537 --> 01:22:39,803
I had the opportunity
to take him out
609
01:22:39,805 --> 01:22:42,005
and play some miniature golf
with him today,
610
01:22:42,007 --> 01:22:45,141
which was a lot of fun for me
and he enjoyed it too.
611
01:22:45,809 --> 01:22:49,878
We were out at the, uh,
Cactus Course outside of town?
612
01:22:50,246 --> 01:22:53,647
And, um, we were
at the first hole,
613
01:22:53,649 --> 01:22:54,881
he, uh...
614
01:22:55,215 --> 01:22:58,150
he looked up at me before he,
uh, made his first shot
615
01:22:58,152 --> 01:22:59,618
and he asked,
616
01:23:00,553 --> 01:23:04,689
"Dad, what does
a woman's vagina look like?"
617
01:23:05,924 --> 01:23:08,492
And, uh, I said, "Well..."
618
01:23:19,569 --> 01:23:22,837
Did you guys, um...
619
01:23:27,074 --> 01:23:29,442
Did you guys hear the one,
620
01:23:29,444 --> 01:23:30,876
the joke...
621
01:23:33,112 --> 01:23:34,911
about the, um...
622
01:23:40,449 --> 01:23:43,550
...paparazzi
with a heart of gold?
623
01:23:45,686 --> 01:23:50,022
The paparazzi
with a heart of gold.
624
01:23:52,059 --> 01:23:54,559
He stole it from Princess Diana
625
01:23:54,561 --> 01:23:56,861
as she lay dying in her car.
626
01:24:25,954 --> 01:24:27,754
Bam!
627
01:24:27,756 --> 01:24:29,055
Bam!
628
01:25:54,570 --> 01:25:56,437
We're not paying
for that.
629
01:26:13,454 --> 01:26:16,855
One or two?
630
01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:19,890
- First one.
- Okay.
631
01:26:21,192 --> 01:26:24,127
One or two?
632
01:26:27,264 --> 01:26:28,697
Two.
633
01:26:32,701 --> 01:26:34,668
I'll be back
in just a minute.
634
01:27:05,499 --> 01:27:07,066
Hello?
635
01:27:10,203 --> 01:27:11,870
Hello?
636
01:27:14,940 --> 01:27:16,273
Hello?
637
01:27:21,445 --> 01:27:22,912
Hello?
638
01:27:26,182 --> 01:27:27,749
Hello?
639
01:27:32,554 --> 01:27:34,121
Hello?
640
01:27:37,791 --> 01:27:39,658
Is anybody there?
641
01:27:43,996 --> 01:27:45,563
Hi, sweetheart.
642
01:27:46,331 --> 01:27:47,864
I'm in town.
643
01:27:48,966 --> 01:27:50,533
Um...
644
01:27:51,801 --> 01:27:55,836
I'm real busy,
but I'd love to see you.
645
01:27:55,838 --> 01:27:58,939
I'm doing this show.
646
01:28:01,208 --> 01:28:05,077
I'm doing this show
in the Hollywood Hills and...
647
01:28:09,348 --> 01:28:12,650
...it's a, a private residence.
648
01:28:12,652 --> 01:28:14,084
It's a...
649
01:28:15,753 --> 01:28:18,855
It's like a party,
a celebrity party,
650
01:28:19,256 --> 01:28:23,959
and there'll be a lot
of, you know, singers and actors
651
01:28:25,027 --> 01:28:26,794
and important folks
like that there,
652
01:28:26,796 --> 01:28:31,064
so I think you'd
have a lot of fun
653
01:28:31,066 --> 01:28:35,601
if you wanted
to come out and see me.
654
01:28:42,375 --> 01:28:43,842
I miss you.
655
01:29:14,672 --> 01:29:16,606
Sink!
656
01:29:17,274 --> 01:29:20,209
Sink! Sink! Sink!
657
01:29:20,211 --> 01:29:22,611
Sink! Sink!
658
01:29:22,613 --> 01:29:25,946
Come on, you fuckin' bitches,
scream!
659
01:29:30,149 --> 01:29:33,017
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
660
01:29:33,184 --> 01:29:34,617
Come on!
661
01:29:35,619 --> 01:29:37,386
Scream like
you're getting fucked!
662
01:31:41,904 --> 01:31:44,738
- Come on!
- Hello?
663
01:32:14,532 --> 01:32:16,366
All right, hey.
664
01:32:16,967 --> 01:32:19,201
You okay?
You all right?
665
01:32:19,669 --> 01:32:22,203
Thanks, guys.
666
01:32:29,477 --> 01:32:31,377
Can you help me?
667
01:32:31,544 --> 01:32:33,344
Hold on, just stand up.
668
01:32:34,312 --> 01:32:35,979
Just take a second.
669
01:32:36,613 --> 01:32:37,879
Jesus!