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As you may well know, I am many things.
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An arts dealer, an accomplished fencer,
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fair shot with most weapons.
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I am loved and respected
by all who know me...
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slightly.
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But I have always felt
there's something missing, you see.
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Some final piece of my personal puzzle.
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I needed something bold, distinctive.
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Thank you.
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The work of art with which
I could declare to the heavens,
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I am Lord Charlie Mortdecai,
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and this little bit of magic
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is my moustache.
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I see. Shall we to business then, Fang?
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Would you mind?
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"Find," you said.
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And find, I have done.
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The Qianlong vase.
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Very, very rare.
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Low-fired with an immersion glaze?
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None of the southern
Yangtze ceramics are low-fired.
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But you know that. You're testing me.
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I'm so terribly sorry.
Mosquito. You see it?
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Why don't you test the vase instead?
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I am sure that you will agree it is
a bargain at two million pounds.
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Everyone knows you're broke.
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You will take one million.
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Golly, that was a big one!
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Well, have it your way, Fang.
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One million pounds.
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I trust that you have
brought the treasuries?
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I think I'll keep the money.
And the vase.
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You cheated me in our last deal.
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I paid three million for that tapestry,
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then found out it is worth only one!
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You took from me.
Now I will take from you.
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Now, you look here, Fang!
Fat. Fang Fat.
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I'm an art dealer, not a charlatan.
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A rogue, perhaps, a scamp
or scoundrel, I will grant you.
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But never an outright mountebank.
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Enough!
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You owe me. I believe a finger
would be fair. Don't you?
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No!
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Jock!
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I wouldn't, mate. I really wouldn't.
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Jockie, thank heavens!
Where have you been, man?
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Right behind you as always, sir.
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Jock!
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Well done, Jockie.
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It's a privilege, sir!
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Jock, you're ablaze!
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- Well, I think our work here is done.
- Time to go, sir.
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Jock laid out the state
of our financial affairs.
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Basically, they involved debt.
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Massive, crushing debt.
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We hurried back to Mortdecai Manor,
where my beloved wife, Johanna,
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having heard of our financial distress,
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was arriving home to sell off
some of my prized possessions.
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Even my horsey picture
was on the block.
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But I was hopeful my new moustache
would cheer her up.
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Darling!
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Oh, God, I missed you terribly.
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Johanna. Love of my life.
Apple of my eye.
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I so wish you had been there.
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Can you imagine the two of us
in that frigid city,
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only our passions keeping us...
Whoa! What is that?
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Just a little something I cooked up
whilst you were away, my darling.
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I do believe it was
Maggie Thatcher who said
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that kissing a man without a moustache
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is rather like eating an egg
without salt.
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- Oh, don't point that thing at me.
- Told ya.
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I have put no inconsiderable thought
and effort into this endeavor.
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You see, the domain of a man's
upper lip is his sovereign ground...
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- You have five minutes to shave it off.
- Every Mortdecai man before me
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had the same. Why can't I?
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Oh, I happen to be terribly fond of it,
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and I have had every intention
of seeing it through.
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You mean it's going to get bigger?
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It will come to fruition, yes.
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Oh, darling...
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You really won't shave it off?
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I can't, my duck. Not at this juncture.
It's not even fully corked. It's a baby.
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- Jock?
- Yes, madam?
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Please, will you make up
the guest bedroom for Mr. Mortdecai?
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Already have, madam.
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And I shan't be having dinner
downstairs this evening.
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I'll just have a supper tray
in my room.
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Very good, madam.
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I do believe Jock has informed you
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that we are staring down
the barrel of insolvency.
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What do you plan to do about it?
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Right. Yes, well...
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That... Well... Quite.
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First thing we're doing
is selling off that Sheridan.
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My sweet little love beast,
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I am sure that we will come up with the
necessary funds by the end of the month.
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- What is today, the fifth!
- The 26th, sir.
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- All right. That gives us six...
- Four days, sir.
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Jock? Please can you take the Sheridan
up to London in the morning?
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I'm entering it in the Autumn
Masters Auction.
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- Right you are, madam.
- Come, come. Let's not be rash.
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We cannot go about selling off
family heirlooms willy-nilly.
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I'm afraid I shall have
to put my foot down, darling.
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Sorry?
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With your permission, of course.
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Bugger it. Oh, there he is.
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She'll come around, Jock.
How could she not?
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She's only human, sir.
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A quick aside about Jock.
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In addition to being
my manservant and thug,
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he also maintains an enviable rate
of sexual intercourse,
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which can be occasionally problematic.
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Recently, after we'd concluded the sale
of a painting to a wealthy turkey farmer...
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What was that?
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- Get your head down, sir.
- What have you done now, man?
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Onward, Jock! Onward!
Don't shoot, farmer!
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Dad! What the hell are you doing?
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Jock! Jock, wait! Jock!
I have me own apartment!
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Crikey, man! The farmer's daughter?
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I only gave her the once-over.
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- Where do you find the time?
- Sorry, twice-over.
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Dear, sweet, simple Jock.
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Every man should have a Jock,
don't you think?
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Meanwhile, not far away,
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our fortunes were about
to become intertwined
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with one of the art world's
greatest mysteries.
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And a dead hag.
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Bull's-eye.
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Miss Bronwen? Everything all right?
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Get back behind the tape!
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Excuse me. This is a crime scene.
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Hello?
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Who is this guy?
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You and your men have done an admirable job
stomping all over the place.
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Your services are no longer required.
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Sorry, Inspector Martland, sir.
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Sorry, sir. I had no idea, sir.
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Can I have all Thames Valley
police officers back in their cars, please?
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There's been a jurisdictional change.
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That painting could be
anywhere by now, sir.
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Yes, I suppose it could.
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You know we're going to
have to ring him, don't you, sir?
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No, I do not know that, Maurice.
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No one knows the filthy underside
of the art world better than he, sir.
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He is the filthy underside.
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Why did it have to be art?
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Inspector Alastair Martland. MI5.
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Martland and I met at Oxford.
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Once in a while I provide him
with some off-the-record help
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with the seedier side
of art collecting.
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And in exchange, he gives me
a wide berth to ply my craft.
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He is also desperately in love
with my wife.
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Rather annoying, really.
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What?
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Inspector Martland, sir.
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What does that blighter want?
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Tell him to ring back when my marriage
isn't falling apart.
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- No, he's here, sir.
- He is?
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Oh, all right. Wheel him in.
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- Don't get up.
- I wasn't going to.
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Beware the carafe on the top shelf.
It contains water.
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Ignoring some of the more
inviting bottles on the drinks tray,
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he reached underneath
for the big decanter,
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and poured himself a gross amount
of what he thought was my Taylor '31.
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Score one for Mortdecai,
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for I had filled it with an invalid port
of unbelievable nastiness.
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- Oh, excellent.
- Score two.
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Bit of cheese to go with that?
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I should think the special one, Jock.
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What is that infernal thing
on your lip?
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Is there a purpose to your presence?
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You're in the hole
to Her Majesty's government
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to the tune of eight million
quid, old boy.
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I had no idea I was so deep
in Her Majesty's hole.
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God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
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That's not natural.
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What do you think?
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I think this woman
has need of a chiropractor.
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Bronwen Fellworthy,
Oxford art restorer. Did you know her?
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Slightly. I do recall
a vague memory of her having once,
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involuntarily, one would hope,
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releasing a fart of such frightening
power and timbre
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that I feared she had done herself
a horrible mischief.
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Cheese.
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Thank you.
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Three months ago, a small Spanish museum
sent her a Goya to be cleaned.
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Last night she was killed.
Painting has disappeared.
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Sad news, particularly for her.
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00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:40,785
But I don't see
what it has to do with me.
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Well, if my men start asking questions,
then the Goya disappears without a trace.
192
00:14:45,416 --> 00:14:50,888
But you, a known trafficker of stolen art,
well, you could make some inquiries.
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00:14:50,988 --> 00:14:55,093
Why would MI5 be interested
in the theft of a middling Goya?
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00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:03,342
Emil Strago.
Fundamentalist, revolutionary.
195
00:15:03,442 --> 00:15:07,872
Trained in Syria, fought in Senegal.
An expert in special warfare.
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00:15:07,972 --> 00:15:11,342
He's linked to a number of terror attacks
all around the world.
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00:15:11,442 --> 00:15:13,144
All right, he's unpleasant.
What of him?
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00:15:13,244 --> 00:15:18,166
Well, we believe he entered the country
with the purpose of finding that painting.
199
00:15:18,266 --> 00:15:20,351
- Why?
- We don't know why.
200
00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:23,021
But if Strago is involved,
well, suffice it to say,
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00:15:23,121 --> 00:15:25,874
it's a matter
of urgent national security.
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00:15:25,974 --> 00:15:29,860
And you would like me
to find it before he does?
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00:15:30,461 --> 00:15:32,306
Precisely.
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00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:36,367
I've given you a lot of rope
over the years, Charlie.
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00:15:36,467 --> 00:15:38,885
But now you're dangling
off the end of it.
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00:15:39,637 --> 00:15:41,673
Help me find that painting,
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00:15:41,773 --> 00:15:45,076
or I'll have the magistrate open that file
and prosecute at random.
208
00:15:45,176 --> 00:15:49,280
It was a catalogue of some
of my more unseemly escapades.
209
00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:54,386
The file was fat and well-handled,
like a Welsh barmaid.
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00:15:54,886 --> 00:15:57,789
It is apparent that you
are well-versed in the stick.
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00:15:57,889 --> 00:16:00,592
But what of the well-known carrot?
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00:16:02,393 --> 00:16:05,214
- What's in it for me, as they say?
- Good God, man!
213
00:16:05,314 --> 00:16:09,601
We're talking about a bloodthirsty extremist
threatening the lives of your countrymen.
214
00:16:10,835 --> 00:16:13,671
Well, if you won't do it for me,
do it for Queen and Country.
215
00:16:13,771 --> 00:16:15,654
No!
216
00:16:16,374 --> 00:16:20,145
All right, Queen and Country, travel
and living expenses, reasonable overhead.
217
00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:22,480
Ten percent, sir.
218
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:25,850
And 10 percent of the insurance money
as a finder's fee.
219
00:16:26,050 --> 00:16:27,753
Done.
220
00:16:28,453 --> 00:16:31,056
Oh, and incidentally,
I asked for some cheese,
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00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,692
not an instrument
of biological warfare.
222
00:16:36,594 --> 00:16:39,197
Score one for Martland.
223
00:16:40,598 --> 00:16:44,669
Martland... What else
can you tell me about Strago?
224
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:48,306
Well, he's colorblind
and he's allergic to cashews.
225
00:16:48,406 --> 00:16:52,377
Goody. Every subject of the Crown and every
cashew in the Kingdom shall sleep safely.
226
00:16:52,477 --> 00:16:54,412
Johanna, you look lovely.
227
00:16:54,512 --> 00:16:56,481
Alastair.
228
00:16:56,984 --> 00:17:00,285
You do look lovely, darling.
So absolutely lovely.
229
00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:04,049
- I thought that was you.
- Radiant...
230
00:17:04,149 --> 00:17:06,425
Martland also met Johanna at school.
231
00:17:07,558 --> 00:17:10,395
After a three-year courtship,
he finally worked up the courage
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00:17:10,495 --> 00:17:13,323
to express his feelings to her.
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00:17:13,423 --> 00:17:15,500
In verse.
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00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:17,368
Johanna, do you...
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00:17:17,468 --> 00:17:19,370
Rotten timing for him.
236
00:17:19,470 --> 00:17:21,309
- Martland.
- Hello!
237
00:17:21,409 --> 00:17:24,375
Would you mind terribly,
dear boy, the door?
238
00:17:24,475 --> 00:17:26,661
Of course, I'll just...
I'll shut the door.
239
00:17:26,761 --> 00:17:29,280
Now, what's all this
about a missing Goya?
240
00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:34,085
Oh, it's the house. Terribly vast.
Echo-ey, don't you know?
241
00:17:36,237 --> 00:17:38,323
Well, that's classified information,
I'm afraid.
242
00:17:38,423 --> 00:17:41,326
You know, state secrets
and what have you.
243
00:17:41,426 --> 00:17:45,163
My husband is trying to reclaim his youth
by growing that horrible moustache.
244
00:17:45,263 --> 00:17:47,399
Do inform him
that that ship has sailed.
245
00:17:47,499 --> 00:17:50,168
Every Mortdecai man
before me has had one.
246
00:17:50,268 --> 00:17:53,210
And I will have you know that some members
of the fairer sex
247
00:17:53,310 --> 00:17:55,710
do find it quite appealing.
248
00:17:55,810 --> 00:17:57,767
Whom exactly?
249
00:18:01,145 --> 00:18:03,448
No one in particular, of course.
250
00:18:03,548 --> 00:18:06,117
Metaphoric woman... women.
251
00:18:06,217 --> 00:18:10,605
Metaphorically... general... you know.
252
00:18:10,955 --> 00:18:15,726
If you are growing that excrement
on your lip to please another, know this:
253
00:18:15,826 --> 00:18:17,862
I will kill her.
254
00:18:17,962 --> 00:18:21,866
Oh, Alastair. It's so lovely.
Do come back.
255
00:18:21,966 --> 00:18:25,736
It's so wonderful to have someone
of reasonable intelligence to converse with.
256
00:18:25,836 --> 00:18:28,073
I'd be delighted.
257
00:18:28,573 --> 00:18:32,043
Do I detect a slight crack
in the marital armor?
258
00:18:32,143 --> 00:18:34,145
A mere tiff, old bean. Nothing more.
259
00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:36,764
Oh, really? Seems like
more than a tiff to me.
260
00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:40,918
My wife needs to come around
to a certain viewpoint. That is all.
261
00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:44,602
Well, good luck, mate.
See what you can dig up about that Goya.
262
00:18:44,702 --> 00:18:46,625
Usual channels.
We'll meet in London tomorrow.
263
00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:48,595
Of course.
264
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:59,937
I had the painting in my hand.
Someone must have known I was coming.
265
00:19:00,605 --> 00:19:03,841
Milton Krampf? The American?
266
00:19:03,941 --> 00:19:06,743
Then it must have been his dealer.
267
00:19:10,007 --> 00:19:12,980
Krampf's dealer, what is his name?
268
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,154
Mortdecai.
269
00:19:23,027 --> 00:19:25,763
Johanna, my darling.
270
00:19:25,863 --> 00:19:29,033
My... My love. My...
271
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:32,904
My only true love. My... love beast.
272
00:19:33,004 --> 00:19:36,140
My rumpus room rascal.
273
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,778
You have no idea the beast
you are about to receive.
274
00:19:46,584 --> 00:19:48,610
Johanna?
275
00:19:49,253 --> 00:19:52,330
Are you all right in there, darling?
276
00:19:52,957 --> 00:19:55,520
It is I, Charlie.
277
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:56,947
Your husband.
278
00:19:59,397 --> 00:20:02,633
- What is it?
- Moon of my delight.
279
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:07,505
This is your own personalized Sheik of Araby
who seeks admission into your tent.
280
00:20:08,105 --> 00:20:10,475
I have come to carry you off
to the burning desert,
281
00:20:10,575 --> 00:20:13,010
and work my greasy will upon you...
282
00:20:13,510 --> 00:20:15,713
under the tropical stars.
283
00:20:15,913 --> 00:20:19,417
Send your camel to bed, damn it!
284
00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:22,398
My Sheik,
285
00:20:22,498 --> 00:20:26,791
does this mean you have excommunicated
that moustache of the Prophet?
286
00:20:28,926 --> 00:20:30,993
I'll trim it.
287
00:20:33,531 --> 00:20:35,400
Darling,
288
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,703
I am embarking
on a very dangerous escapade
289
00:20:38,803 --> 00:20:42,073
from which I may not well return.
290
00:20:42,173 --> 00:20:46,679
And it is customary
in these situations for, you know...
291
00:20:47,344 --> 00:20:48,946
a proper send-off.
292
00:20:49,046 --> 00:20:51,950
Quick session of congress.
293
00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:56,688
Sink the Bismarck, if you will.
And by the way, did I mention...
294
00:20:58,055 --> 00:21:01,976
it is a matter of national security.
295
00:21:10,201 --> 00:21:12,904
It's very difficult for me
as well, you know,
296
00:21:13,004 --> 00:21:15,373
this thing that's come between us.
297
00:21:15,473 --> 00:21:18,042
I know, darling.
298
00:21:23,947 --> 00:21:26,517
No, no. Steady yourself.
299
00:21:27,985 --> 00:21:31,723
I beg you, darling, please. You know
I have a sympathetic gag reflex.
300
00:21:31,823 --> 00:21:34,492
Oh, God. It's unbearable.
301
00:21:34,592 --> 00:21:37,562
- You will get used to it. I promise.
- Why should I have to?
302
00:21:37,762 --> 00:21:39,564
I'm invested in it.
303
00:21:39,664 --> 00:21:43,301
Why can't you invest in saving us
from financial ruin?
304
00:21:43,401 --> 00:21:45,770
Or do you want me
to sort it out for you?
305
00:21:46,771 --> 00:21:50,875
Heavens, no.
You needn't worry yourself.
306
00:21:50,975 --> 00:21:53,729
I have things firmly...
307
00:21:53,829 --> 00:21:56,171
in hand.
308
00:22:04,255 --> 00:22:05,923
My love, you are killing me. Please.
309
00:22:06,023 --> 00:22:10,260
It looked like you have
a vagina on your face.
310
00:22:11,896 --> 00:22:15,699
Surely you mean the pubic hair
above a vagina.
311
00:22:15,799 --> 00:22:17,602
I simply cannot get my head
around that image.
312
00:22:17,702 --> 00:22:21,105
- Oh, Charlie...
- However,
313
00:22:21,872 --> 00:22:27,011
now that you've mentioned it,
I'm unable to steer my mind away from it.
314
00:22:27,111 --> 00:22:30,745
Go stuff a mattress with that thing!
315
00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:34,451
The moustache, I mean.
316
00:22:39,323 --> 00:22:43,461
Sheamus is able to do with a steel
chair in hand. Here we go.
317
00:22:45,930 --> 00:22:47,532
Jockie,
318
00:22:47,632 --> 00:22:49,516
what if...
319
00:22:49,616 --> 00:22:51,633
it isn't just a tiff?
320
00:22:51,733 --> 00:22:55,272
What if this is the well-known "it,"
as it were?
321
00:22:55,472 --> 00:22:58,976
- That'd be awful.
- Jock?
322
00:22:59,844 --> 00:23:02,506
Are you coming back to bed?
323
00:23:04,315 --> 00:23:06,830
Yeah, give us a minute, love.
324
00:23:07,852 --> 00:23:09,153
Hi.
325
00:23:09,353 --> 00:23:11,446
Hello.
326
00:23:15,826 --> 00:23:19,369
And myself sleeping alone.
327
00:23:19,830 --> 00:23:22,099
How do you think
this makes me feel, man?
328
00:23:22,199 --> 00:23:24,201
I dunno, sir.
329
00:23:24,301 --> 00:23:26,237
Dash it all, I am resolved.
330
00:23:26,337 --> 00:23:28,839
If it is money we need,
then it is money we shall have.
331
00:23:28,939 --> 00:23:30,941
Jock?
332
00:23:31,041 --> 00:23:32,910
That's me.
333
00:23:34,912 --> 00:23:39,651
Tomorrow we shall sell off the Rolls
to that vulgar American, Milton Krampf,
334
00:23:39,751 --> 00:23:43,587
and we will find that painting
if it is the last thing we do.
335
00:23:43,687 --> 00:23:46,023
Right-y-oh. I'll call Spinoza
in the morning.
336
00:23:46,123 --> 00:23:47,892
- Yes, do.
- Good night, sir.
337
00:23:48,092 --> 00:23:51,028
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?
338
00:23:51,128 --> 00:23:53,164
Do you think it will be
all right in the end?
339
00:23:53,564 --> 00:23:55,496
I couldn't say, sir.
340
00:24:12,617 --> 00:24:15,453
My first stop was to see
Sir Graham Archer,
341
00:24:15,553 --> 00:24:19,490
rival art dealer and Goya specialist.
342
00:24:19,590 --> 00:24:23,994
A permanent fixture at Sedgwick's
Auction House in Kensington.
343
00:24:25,730 --> 00:24:27,898
I will meet you
at Spinoza's in one hour.
344
00:24:27,998 --> 00:24:30,025
Right you are, sir.
345
00:24:40,978 --> 00:24:44,749
Sir Graham has been the rudest man
in England for years.
346
00:24:44,849 --> 00:24:49,353
Recently, he's been working
his way up to the wickedest.
347
00:24:52,389 --> 00:24:55,125
Looks like something curled up
and died on your lip.
348
00:24:55,225 --> 00:24:57,128
It's not herpetic, I hope.
349
00:24:57,228 --> 00:25:00,264
Hello, Sir Graham, you old member.
350
00:25:00,553 --> 00:25:02,199
Who are you hiding in your belly?
351
00:25:02,299 --> 00:25:07,604
I see you've put your Sheridan up
in next week's sale. Hard times, old boy?
352
00:25:07,704 --> 00:25:12,276
No, no, no, no. Just getting rid of some
choice items while the market's right.
353
00:25:12,376 --> 00:25:15,825
What do you make of
this Bronwen business?
354
00:25:15,925 --> 00:25:21,218
Ghastly affair. One always bemoans
the loss of a great restorer.
355
00:25:21,318 --> 00:25:24,855
Old bag. She should have
put locks on her doors.
356
00:25:25,589 --> 00:25:27,658
You used her frequently, didn't you?
357
00:25:27,758 --> 00:25:31,796
Not lately. She's been unavailable
for three months.
358
00:25:31,896 --> 00:25:34,976
The Goya she was cleaning...
359
00:25:36,033 --> 00:25:38,803
rather simple job, wouldn't you say?
360
00:25:38,903 --> 00:25:41,672
Usual dirt and grime
one finds on the Spaniards.
361
00:25:41,772 --> 00:25:45,008
Haven't the foggiest
why it took her so long.
362
00:25:45,609 --> 00:25:49,013
What's your sudden interest,
if I may ask?
363
00:25:49,113 --> 00:25:53,950
A client with a mild curiosity,
that's all.
364
00:25:57,021 --> 00:26:01,591
We must go shooting again.
Jock has fully recovered.
365
00:26:09,533 --> 00:26:14,672
There's only one reason you might be
interested in a museum-owned Goya,
366
00:26:14,772 --> 00:26:18,175
and that's because
there's money involved.
367
00:26:18,275 --> 00:26:20,377
You are mistaken, sir.
368
00:26:20,477 --> 00:26:24,281
There's a great deal of money involved.
369
00:26:26,683 --> 00:26:30,454
I've always admired your rapacity, sir.
370
00:26:32,389 --> 00:26:34,804
I say, Sir Graham, I wonder,
371
00:26:34,904 --> 00:26:38,276
your... protrusion...
372
00:26:38,376 --> 00:26:43,777
Might it be possible to swing
the old fellow north, as it were?
373
00:26:47,204 --> 00:26:49,607
Who's the client?
374
00:26:49,707 --> 00:26:52,808
Terribly sorry, sworn to secrecy.
375
00:26:54,712 --> 00:26:58,343
Perhaps a brisk walk down the stairs
will do some good.
376
00:26:58,443 --> 00:27:00,287
Yes.
377
00:27:03,020 --> 00:27:06,056
So it's that sort of Goya.
378
00:27:07,091 --> 00:27:09,138
Romanov.
379
00:27:09,994 --> 00:27:13,664
That painted lady
you've been searching for,
380
00:27:13,764 --> 00:27:17,434
I believe she may be in play.
381
00:27:17,534 --> 00:27:19,549
I want that painting.
382
00:27:26,276 --> 00:27:29,032
- Johanna!
- Alastair.
383
00:27:29,580 --> 00:27:32,138
So glad you called.
384
00:27:32,683 --> 00:27:35,653
I've asked for a Chardonnay.
That is your drink, isn't it?
385
00:27:35,753 --> 00:27:37,822
Oh, you remembered.
386
00:27:38,522 --> 00:27:40,257
Thank you.
387
00:27:40,357 --> 00:27:43,894
Oh, God. How thoughtless of me.
You're on duty.
388
00:27:44,254 --> 00:27:47,797
And in charge, thank you very much.
389
00:27:49,566 --> 00:27:51,402
To what do I owe the pleasure?
390
00:27:51,502 --> 00:27:53,704
I was just in the neighborhood
and thought I'd pop 'round,
391
00:27:53,804 --> 00:27:56,373
and see how you secret agent men
run the world.
392
00:27:56,673 --> 00:28:00,711
Not nearly.
Although it is terribly vital work.
393
00:28:00,811 --> 00:28:04,181
It's not all chardonnay
and afternoon trysts.
394
00:28:04,381 --> 00:28:06,550
Is this a tryst?
395
00:28:06,650 --> 00:28:09,110
No, no. No, no, no.
396
00:28:09,210 --> 00:28:11,332
No, no, no, no, no.
397
00:28:11,432 --> 00:28:15,926
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
398
00:28:16,026 --> 00:28:19,462
- No, I was just...
- Of course you were.
399
00:28:20,097 --> 00:28:22,610
How are things at home?
400
00:28:22,900 --> 00:28:24,735
You've touched a nerve.
401
00:28:24,835 --> 00:28:28,172
You've sensed it, Alastair.
You always were the sensitive one.
402
00:28:28,472 --> 00:28:30,714
- You've got a difficult chap.
- Beastly.
403
00:28:30,814 --> 00:28:34,611
- Bit of a moron, actually.
- Maybe I should have an affair.
404
00:28:34,711 --> 00:28:36,981
- Wouldn't that be funny?
- Hilarious.
405
00:28:37,081 --> 00:28:39,303
- Do you think I could keep it a secret?
- Yes!
406
00:28:39,403 --> 00:28:41,118
Well then, what's the point?
407
00:28:41,218 --> 00:28:44,589
Now, tell me, what are you and my husband
working on at the moment?
408
00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:46,631
Oh...
409
00:28:47,031 --> 00:28:48,881
Well, in vague terms
there's a very bad man
410
00:28:48,981 --> 00:28:50,770
who wants what I want,
and I'm trying to stop him.
411
00:28:50,870 --> 00:28:54,999
And what does a missing Goya
have to do with national security?
412
00:28:55,099 --> 00:28:56,900
In vague terms.
413
00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:58,602
Johanna...
414
00:28:58,702 --> 00:29:01,472
You think poor Miss Fellworthy
stumbled into something,
415
00:29:01,572 --> 00:29:05,075
- and that's why she got killed.
- I really can't say.
416
00:29:05,628 --> 00:29:07,711
This is interesting.
417
00:29:07,811 --> 00:29:11,015
Creates quite a market when a painting
with a little mystery goes missing.
418
00:29:11,115 --> 00:29:14,751
So much to do. What was the name
of Bronwen's college at Oxford?
419
00:29:14,851 --> 00:29:18,555
Johanna, I simply can't.
420
00:29:18,655 --> 00:29:21,702
Right. Sorry.
421
00:29:21,802 --> 00:29:24,929
Oh, golly. Look at the time.
I really must be going.
422
00:29:25,029 --> 00:29:26,964
It was lovely to see you, Alastair.
423
00:29:27,064 --> 00:29:30,034
Thank you ever-so-much
for letting me confide in you.
424
00:29:30,134 --> 00:29:33,136
I feel that I could share
anything with you.
425
00:29:33,964 --> 00:29:36,325
Don't you feel the same?
426
00:29:36,425 --> 00:29:38,976
That you could share with me?
427
00:29:39,076 --> 00:29:40,577
Bronwen's college?
428
00:29:40,677 --> 00:29:43,580
You're rather monstrous.
Of course you're aware of that.
429
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:46,684
- Blackfriar's Hall.
- We must do this again.
430
00:29:48,485 --> 00:29:50,438
Hopeless.
431
00:29:56,453 --> 00:30:00,164
Besides being the finest garage man
in Western Civilization,
432
00:30:00,264 --> 00:30:04,969
Spinoza was the best
art smuggler in the business,
433
00:30:05,069 --> 00:30:10,006
and the eyes and ears
of the art world's underbelly.
434
00:30:10,750 --> 00:30:15,913
Hello, Spinoza, you handsome devil!
It's a fine day to be alive, what?
435
00:30:16,013 --> 00:30:20,551
You bloody chicken, bloody monkey,
so good-for-nothing pot of piss, innit?
436
00:30:20,651 --> 00:30:23,620
Spinoza, you silver-tongued scallywag.
437
00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:25,271
What's the matter with you?
438
00:30:25,371 --> 00:30:29,767
You one book short of a library, you maggot?
You one megabyte short of a RAM?
439
00:30:29,867 --> 00:30:32,596
The rest was a bit rude,
so I won't quote him verbatim.
440
00:30:32,696 --> 00:30:36,633
But what vexed him so was a matter
of some overdue bills on the Rolls,
441
00:30:36,733 --> 00:30:41,072
which I had now asked him to package
and ship off to America on credit.
442
00:30:41,572 --> 00:30:44,274
You mother-loving bastard! Hello.
443
00:30:44,774 --> 00:30:50,046
Right. Spinoza, I did not come here
to discuss my relationship with my mother,
444
00:30:50,146 --> 00:30:52,482
nor my relationship to your mother.
445
00:30:52,582 --> 00:30:56,753
No. We have two items of business.
Item one: The Rolls-Royce,
446
00:30:56,853 --> 00:31:02,659
which I have reluctantly agreed to sell
to that thick-fingered American, Krampf.
447
00:31:02,759 --> 00:31:04,330
Item the second:
448
00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:09,233
I need to ascertain whether any
unsavory types have enlisted you
449
00:31:09,333 --> 00:31:12,636
to smuggle a painting
out of the country recently.
450
00:31:12,736 --> 00:31:17,741
And for your information,
I am holding up
451
00:31:17,841 --> 00:31:21,242
a 50-pound note.
452
00:31:22,046 --> 00:31:23,447
Never mind about that.
453
00:31:23,547 --> 00:31:26,984
You should treat
a jam jar car like this
454
00:31:27,084 --> 00:31:30,487
with more respect when you drive it
down the frog and toad road.
455
00:31:30,587 --> 00:31:33,389
- It's not some Toyota Clitoris.
- No, no.
456
00:31:33,489 --> 00:31:37,194
No! Is a Rolls... The bloody Silver,
457
00:31:37,294 --> 00:31:40,897
the whacking Cloud, the bollock Royce!
458
00:31:40,997 --> 00:31:43,079
Someone shooting at the bloody car!
459
00:31:44,501 --> 00:31:46,294
Someone shooting at me!
460
00:31:55,879 --> 00:31:57,900
I'm armed!
461
00:32:05,055 --> 00:32:07,891
- Oh, Jock!
- Yeah.
462
00:32:07,991 --> 00:32:12,730
I should probably mention that this
was not the first time I had shot Jock.
463
00:32:13,230 --> 00:32:16,529
Come on, you little bastards.
Come out and get it.
464
00:32:27,047 --> 00:32:30,380
Afraid I'm all thumbs
with these damn things!
465
00:32:32,416 --> 00:32:35,119
- I believe I've just shot Jock.
- Quite.
466
00:32:35,819 --> 00:32:38,022
Man down! Man down!
467
00:32:38,422 --> 00:32:40,891
- Could you give me the gun, please?
- This bit?
468
00:32:40,991 --> 00:32:43,327
Yes, most... No, no.
469
00:32:43,427 --> 00:32:45,796
Oh, and poor Spinoza...
470
00:32:45,896 --> 00:32:47,998
You should go, sir,
before the shooter circles 'round.
471
00:32:48,098 --> 00:32:51,035
- I'll handle things on this end.
- Quite.
472
00:32:51,335 --> 00:32:54,604
- Cover me, as it were?
- Yes, sir.
473
00:32:56,206 --> 00:32:59,410
- That's the old feudal spirit, Jock.
- Get in.
474
00:33:00,110 --> 00:33:01,925
Oh, dear!
475
00:33:05,749 --> 00:33:08,118
- Oh, Jock. Jock?
- Yeah?
476
00:33:08,218 --> 00:33:09,553
The door? Please?
477
00:33:14,990 --> 00:33:17,887
Right. Gosh, it's been ages.
478
00:33:34,244 --> 00:33:35,379
Goodness, that's awkward.
479
00:33:35,479 --> 00:33:37,882
It's all right, sir. It's all right.
It's just a cracked rib.
480
00:33:39,416 --> 00:33:41,718
Please, sir, if you wouldn't mind
leaving out the back. On foot.
481
00:33:42,359 --> 00:33:44,355
- By myself?
- Please, sir. Just leave.
482
00:33:49,860 --> 00:33:52,929
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear,
oh, dear, oh, dear...
483
00:33:53,897 --> 00:33:57,234
- Give me the painting.
- What makes you think I have it?
484
00:33:57,434 --> 00:33:58,669
Give me the painting!
485
00:33:59,904 --> 00:34:03,907
That is a superb Hulihee sans sideburn,
I must say.
486
00:34:04,107 --> 00:34:06,944
- I was admiring your Franz Joseph.
- Oh, thank you very much.
487
00:34:07,644 --> 00:34:10,152
- I'll have it on my wall.
- Jock?
488
00:34:13,550 --> 00:34:15,370
Oh, well done.
489
00:34:17,020 --> 00:34:18,990
- What should I do now?
- Run, sir!
490
00:34:19,090 --> 00:34:21,659
- Again?
- Yes!
491
00:34:24,594 --> 00:34:27,197
Run, I shall, like a bloody gazelle!
492
00:34:27,297 --> 00:34:30,967
The Mortdecai men have always been
in tip-top shape, don't you know?
493
00:34:31,067 --> 00:34:33,486
Fit as a fiddle!
494
00:34:44,648 --> 00:34:48,885
Oh, it's burning...
I... I can't go on...
495
00:34:53,223 --> 00:34:55,125
Want to die...
496
00:34:55,225 --> 00:34:57,188
No, I don't.
497
00:35:00,564 --> 00:35:02,399
Sir!
498
00:35:02,499 --> 00:35:04,267
I'm on the bonnet!
499
00:35:04,367 --> 00:35:06,870
Get in the car, sir!
500
00:35:09,706 --> 00:35:11,182
I don't like it!
501
00:35:19,615 --> 00:35:20,820
Hello!
502
00:35:29,559 --> 00:35:31,695
Jockie! Advise?
503
00:35:31,795 --> 00:35:34,831
- Get in the back seat, sir!
- Okay!
504
00:35:41,805 --> 00:35:43,407
Foreigner!
505
00:35:43,507 --> 00:35:46,410
- No!
- Out you go!
506
00:35:55,952 --> 00:35:57,254
Oh, Jock!
507
00:35:57,354 --> 00:35:59,489
Don't worry, sir.
I'm all right. I am all right.
508
00:35:59,589 --> 00:36:02,025
No, no, man! My little sproutling.
509
00:36:02,125 --> 00:36:04,128
- What?
- Has it been compromised?
510
00:36:16,106 --> 00:36:19,309
- Well done, Jock.
- It's a privilege, sir.
511
00:36:19,409 --> 00:36:21,345
Didn't take long for you
to make a mess of things.
512
00:36:21,445 --> 00:36:24,014
Oh, you listen here, you do-gooder!
513
00:36:24,114 --> 00:36:28,418
Your Emil Strago just killed my garage man
and physically assaulted my person.
514
00:36:28,518 --> 00:36:31,988
- He seems to think that I have the painting.
- What have you found?
515
00:36:32,088 --> 00:36:35,592
Well, I will tell you that there is
more here than meets the eye.
516
00:36:35,692 --> 00:36:37,528
No painting takes
three months to clean,
517
00:36:37,628 --> 00:36:40,697
so I believe that Bronwen
was working on the Goya
518
00:36:40,797 --> 00:36:44,000
and discovered something underneath.
519
00:36:44,100 --> 00:36:45,402
I should like to see
her studio immediately.
520
00:36:45,502 --> 00:36:48,437
- In the cars, quickly. Maurice, Oxford.
- Yes, sir.
521
00:36:58,014 --> 00:37:01,217
I've been helpin' out Miss Fellworthy
goin' on five years now.
522
00:37:01,317 --> 00:37:04,454
Just keepin' the place
tidy and whatnot.
523
00:37:04,554 --> 00:37:07,290
You have been grossly overcompensated.
524
00:37:07,390 --> 00:37:10,760
- Her lover was no help.
- Lover? Bronwen?
525
00:37:10,860 --> 00:37:15,364
Yeah, a Duke.
No help whatsoever, randy bugger.
526
00:37:16,266 --> 00:37:20,130
"Love... your...
527
00:37:20,230 --> 00:37:22,273
Bunny."
528
00:37:22,373 --> 00:37:24,608
Love your Bunny?
529
00:37:24,708 --> 00:37:30,312
A child! She spawned a child!
The woman bred! What an odious thought.
530
00:37:30,980 --> 00:37:32,349
Don't imbibe the crime scene.
531
00:37:32,449 --> 00:37:36,419
I found her here, sprawled over the table,
with an arrow out of her back.
532
00:37:36,519 --> 00:37:38,822
Course you did, man,
because the assailant fired from here.
533
00:37:38,922 --> 00:37:40,857
- No, from the window.
- With a spear gun.
534
00:37:40,957 --> 00:37:43,026
- With a crossbow.
- He was left-handed.
535
00:37:43,126 --> 00:37:45,218
Jesus Christ.
536
00:37:46,062 --> 00:37:47,564
Is this how she was found?
537
00:37:47,664 --> 00:37:49,166
- What are you doing?
- Oh, no. To the left a bit.
538
00:37:49,266 --> 00:37:51,501
- Like this?
- Sorry, I meant to the right.
539
00:37:51,601 --> 00:37:53,503
Like this? Like this?
540
00:37:53,803 --> 00:37:56,006
Are you quite finished buggering around?
541
00:37:56,666 --> 00:37:58,175
No.
542
00:37:58,275 --> 00:38:02,779
Because I have a question
for you, old bean.
543
00:38:02,879 --> 00:38:04,295
Will I be given a badge,
544
00:38:04,395 --> 00:38:08,685
nestled in some sort of cheap,
leather encasement, just like on telly?
545
00:38:09,085 --> 00:38:10,354
- Maurice?
- Sir?
546
00:38:10,454 --> 00:38:13,490
Show him the photographs. Excuse me.
547
00:38:14,424 --> 00:38:15,892
These were found in her camera.
548
00:38:16,292 --> 00:38:18,461
Yeah, like I told
the lady earlier today,
549
00:38:18,561 --> 00:38:21,665
Miss Bronwen would take photos
of each stage of her work, bless her.
550
00:38:22,265 --> 00:38:23,867
Which lady?
551
00:38:23,967 --> 00:38:27,671
Well, the lady with the hair and brain.
552
00:38:29,606 --> 00:38:34,310
I may have mentioned Bronwen
to Johanna at lunch today.
553
00:38:36,813 --> 00:38:38,982
You were luncheoning with my wife?
554
00:38:39,082 --> 00:38:41,702
- Let's look at the photographs.
- Yes, let's look at the photographs.
555
00:38:42,952 --> 00:38:44,954
Horrible composition.
556
00:38:45,422 --> 00:38:48,425
Lighting positively medieval.
557
00:38:48,525 --> 00:38:51,561
This one taken by accident,
utterly useless...
558
00:38:52,028 --> 00:38:53,597
Hang on a tic.
559
00:38:54,297 --> 00:38:58,335
- That is not your Goya.
- What do you mean?
560
00:38:58,435 --> 00:39:02,239
That is not the same painting
as the others.
561
00:39:02,339 --> 00:39:05,141
Where have I seen that hand
before in the background?
562
00:39:05,241 --> 00:39:08,144
Finger pointing down. Ring.
563
00:39:09,144 --> 00:39:11,247
Good Lord! It couldn't be!
564
00:39:11,347 --> 00:39:14,652
- Couldn't be what?
- To the library, chaps!
565
00:39:19,789 --> 00:39:23,126
There has never been
an accurate reproduction because...
566
00:39:23,226 --> 00:39:26,062
it vanished after the unveiling, but...
567
00:39:26,362 --> 00:39:31,870
I do remember that there was an etching
or some such hint of... There it is.
568
00:39:32,902 --> 00:39:35,071
The Duchess of Wellington.
569
00:39:35,371 --> 00:39:39,752
Bronwen has found the lost Goya.
570
00:39:39,976 --> 00:39:44,548
Goya was commissioned by Charles IV
of Spain to paint her in 1792.
571
00:39:44,748 --> 00:39:48,618
She was said to be
his greatest masterpiece.
572
00:39:48,718 --> 00:39:50,654
Unfortunately,
573
00:39:50,754 --> 00:39:55,625
she was also said to have been
the King's mistress.
574
00:39:55,725 --> 00:39:57,427
The Queen was unamused.
575
00:39:57,627 --> 00:40:00,964
Humiliated, she ordered
the painting to be burned.
576
00:40:01,064 --> 00:40:04,657
But instead it was stolen
and secreted away.
577
00:40:04,768 --> 00:40:09,772
Some say that Goya himself
engineered the theft.
578
00:40:10,774 --> 00:40:15,185
For 200 years, the painting
was sought by collectors,
579
00:40:15,285 --> 00:40:19,482
craved by the mighty,
and became the stuff of legend.
580
00:40:19,582 --> 00:40:22,352
- And is the legend true?
- Does it matter?
581
00:40:22,452 --> 00:40:25,489
The truth is nice,
but a rumor is priceless.
582
00:40:25,689 --> 00:40:29,192
What does Strago want with it?
If it does exist, it belongs to Spain.
583
00:40:29,292 --> 00:40:31,528
If anyone tried to sell it,
they'd be arrested on the spot.
584
00:40:31,628 --> 00:40:34,998
Yes, well, that is where the story
gets interesting, you see.
585
00:40:35,098 --> 00:40:40,170
The Duchess pops up again
in France in 1943,
586
00:40:40,270 --> 00:40:45,742
looted from some sealed room in an
unpronounceable chateau by the jerrys.
587
00:40:45,842 --> 00:40:49,446
Hermann Goering was said to have been
obsessed with the painting,
588
00:40:49,546 --> 00:40:52,816
and there are rumors
that he inscribed on it
589
00:40:52,916 --> 00:40:57,287
the codes to his numbered
Swiss bank account.
590
00:40:57,387 --> 00:41:00,757
Untold riches and all that, what?
591
00:41:01,157 --> 00:41:02,859
But...
592
00:41:02,959 --> 00:41:07,030
when the allies captured Goering...
593
00:41:07,130 --> 00:41:09,666
Out of the way, out of the way.
594
00:41:09,966 --> 00:41:12,515
There was no mention of the painting.
595
00:41:13,570 --> 00:41:16,873
It had vanished
once again into history,
596
00:41:16,973 --> 00:41:19,576
and the secret bank accounts
along with it.
597
00:41:19,676 --> 00:41:22,746
- What are we talking about here?
- Hundreds and hundreds of millions,
598
00:41:22,846 --> 00:41:27,183
surrounded by all that Gruyere,
chocolate, and fine wines.
599
00:41:27,283 --> 00:41:29,753
- Well, that's what Emil's after.
- The fine wine?
600
00:41:29,853 --> 00:41:32,883
No, the fortune to fund
violent worldwide revolution.
601
00:41:32,983 --> 00:41:33,690
Right!
602
00:41:33,790 --> 00:41:37,127
Multiple attacks over the years to come,
countless lives are at stake.
603
00:41:37,427 --> 00:41:40,533
- That painting should be destroyed.
- Yeah.
604
00:41:40,633 --> 00:41:43,952
Fingers crossed, chaps,
you find it first. I'm off for a wee.
605
00:42:05,538 --> 00:42:07,957
I'm deeply, deeply flattered, young man.
606
00:42:08,057 --> 00:42:13,029
However, I myself do not swing that...
607
00:42:13,129 --> 00:42:16,196
Oh, Golly! I have read about this.
608
00:42:19,168 --> 00:42:22,506
I sunk into an uneasy slumber,
609
00:42:22,606 --> 00:42:28,338
interspersed curiously
with erotic dreams.
610
00:43:03,813 --> 00:43:06,760
Lady Mortdecai,
the Duke is expecting you.
611
00:43:07,050 --> 00:43:08,851
This way.
612
00:43:15,191 --> 00:43:18,728
Her Lady Mortdecai
to see you, Your Grace.
613
00:43:18,828 --> 00:43:21,331
The Duke of Asherboroughdon.
614
00:43:21,431 --> 00:43:23,933
Your Grace. So kind of you to see me.
615
00:43:24,033 --> 00:43:27,583
Lady Mortdecai.
616
00:43:28,638 --> 00:43:32,308
You'll forgive me
just a moment, I'm sure?
617
00:43:32,408 --> 00:43:34,252
Of course.
618
00:43:39,182 --> 00:43:41,522
Lady Mortdecai.
619
00:43:43,219 --> 00:43:48,558
Johnson! Who is this woman Mortdecai
and what does she want?
620
00:43:48,658 --> 00:43:51,561
Well, I don't know. I don't know.
Why wasn't I told?
621
00:43:52,095 --> 00:43:54,918
She's so damned attractive.
622
00:43:55,298 --> 00:43:57,888
Hello? Hello?
623
00:44:02,972 --> 00:44:05,074
Water bailiff.
624
00:44:05,174 --> 00:44:09,679
Had to speak to the water bailiff
about my water.
625
00:44:09,779 --> 00:44:12,286
Fishing tomorrow, you know.
626
00:44:12,386 --> 00:44:14,450
Hate it. Sit.
627
00:44:14,550 --> 00:44:16,975
Bloody nuisance.
628
00:44:18,337 --> 00:44:22,292
Your Grace, I... I understand
you were close with Bronwen Fellworthy.
629
00:44:22,392 --> 00:44:25,127
- Yes.
- I'm very sorry.
630
00:44:25,295 --> 00:44:29,198
Her gardener gave me your name,
and I wondered...
631
00:44:29,298 --> 00:44:32,134
The painting she was
working on in the end...
632
00:44:32,802 --> 00:44:33,725
What?
633
00:44:34,971 --> 00:44:36,940
No, I can't understand a word she says.
634
00:44:37,040 --> 00:44:40,944
I've been trying to get rid of her,
but she's so damned attractive.
635
00:44:41,444 --> 00:44:42,878
Sorry. You were saying?
636
00:44:42,978 --> 00:44:46,382
- You served in the War then, Your Grace?
- Poor old gal.
637
00:44:46,482 --> 00:44:50,887
Done to death with malice
aforethought and so forth.
638
00:44:51,287 --> 00:44:53,145
Poor Bronwen.
639
00:44:53,656 --> 00:44:55,907
The painting, Your Grace.
640
00:44:57,026 --> 00:45:00,263
Did she ever mention
The Duchess of Wellington?
641
00:45:00,363 --> 00:45:02,590
Oh. Beautiful woman.
642
00:45:02,690 --> 00:45:05,869
- Bronwen?
- Must to the lavatory.
643
00:45:05,969 --> 00:45:10,940
Would you care to come
and take a peek at it?
644
00:45:12,776 --> 00:45:16,812
An exquisite invitation, Your Grace,
but I'm afraid I must decline.
645
00:45:16,912 --> 00:45:19,740
- Let's get back to the Duchess.
- Bunny has it.
646
00:45:19,840 --> 00:45:23,219
- I beg your pardon?
- During the War. Nazi bastards.
647
00:45:23,319 --> 00:45:26,486
Bunny rolled it up in a carpet
and didn't tell a soul.
648
00:45:26,586 --> 00:45:30,193
- Bunny is a soldier in your unit?
- 7th Army, 2nd Division.
649
00:45:30,293 --> 00:45:33,697
Captured Goering.
First man in the room.
650
00:45:33,797 --> 00:45:36,132
Do you think that Bunny
still has the painting now?
651
00:45:36,232 --> 00:45:38,501
Must to the W.C.
652
00:45:40,036 --> 00:45:42,338
Do have a look?
653
00:45:42,638 --> 00:45:45,175
I'm afraid I must be going, Your Grace.
654
00:45:45,775 --> 00:45:47,710
Thank you very much for your time.
655
00:45:48,744 --> 00:45:51,181
And you are?
656
00:45:52,081 --> 00:45:56,864
The water bailiff, Your Grace.
Fishing tomorrow's been cancelled.
657
00:45:59,722 --> 00:46:01,224
Thank heaven.
658
00:46:12,635 --> 00:46:15,372
What's that? Funny.
659
00:46:28,517 --> 00:46:31,721
Right. I demand some explanations.
660
00:46:31,821 --> 00:46:34,824
No, no. Change that.
I need a restorative.
661
00:46:34,924 --> 00:46:36,726
How 'bout some finger sandwiches?
662
00:46:36,826 --> 00:46:40,146
Just the usual, you know.
Egg cress, prawn mayonnaise,
663
00:46:40,246 --> 00:46:44,367
possibly a gallon of your finest whisky
just to start the day properly.
664
00:46:44,467 --> 00:46:46,066
You know how it is, gentlemen.
665
00:46:48,002 --> 00:46:50,062
Oh, I see.
666
00:46:53,142 --> 00:46:55,078
Actually, make that caviar.
667
00:46:55,178 --> 00:46:59,015
Some warmed blinis, creme fraiche,
boiled egg whites,
668
00:46:59,115 --> 00:47:02,952
and vodka so ice cold
you need gloves to handle it.
669
00:47:03,371 --> 00:47:05,889
And don't forget the herringbone spoon.
670
00:47:05,989 --> 00:47:09,052
We're not savages, after all, are we?
671
00:47:11,094 --> 00:47:12,862
Welcome to Russia, Mr. Mortdecai.
672
00:47:14,130 --> 00:47:16,900
- And you are?
- Roman Romanov.
673
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:20,369
Romanov. Sir Graham's client.
674
00:47:20,469 --> 00:47:22,672
So I have him to thank for this.
675
00:47:25,241 --> 00:47:27,510
Oh, that's unpleasant.
676
00:47:27,610 --> 00:47:29,712
Where's the Goya?
677
00:47:29,812 --> 00:47:32,214
- I don't know.
- But you know about art.
678
00:47:32,314 --> 00:47:35,819
A bit. You have a Turner of the Loire,
which cannot be right
679
00:47:35,919 --> 00:47:39,255
because the original is hanging
in the D'Orsay. Terribly sorry.
680
00:47:39,355 --> 00:47:42,658
A magnificent Callow of about 1840,
681
00:47:42,758 --> 00:47:45,828
a polychrome James Bourne, rare,
682
00:47:45,928 --> 00:47:49,866
a pair of rather flashy Varleys
from his last period,
683
00:47:49,966 --> 00:47:53,436
and the finest Edridge
I have ever seen.
684
00:47:53,536 --> 00:47:56,372
Yes. Where is the Goya?
685
00:47:56,572 --> 00:48:00,326
Well, where is the last place you saw it?
Have you looked under your couch?
686
00:48:00,426 --> 00:48:02,864
Yeah, because when I've lost something,
sometimes I say to myself,
687
00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:04,914
"Charlie, where could it be?"
688
00:48:06,229 --> 00:48:10,286
God! That wasn't nice!
689
00:48:10,386 --> 00:48:12,488
Oh, no! No.
690
00:48:12,588 --> 00:48:15,891
For 17 years, I pursued this painting.
You know why?
691
00:48:15,991 --> 00:48:19,027
Because I want, I will have.
692
00:48:20,730 --> 00:48:25,468
This will be easier and much
less painful if you please to tell me.
693
00:48:25,568 --> 00:48:27,170
Where is the painting?
694
00:48:27,270 --> 00:48:30,108
But why does everyone seem to think...
695
00:48:32,308 --> 00:48:36,379
Oh! You pretended to be gentle,
but you weren't!
696
00:48:36,479 --> 00:48:38,981
Milton Krampf tells everyone
he is getting painting.
697
00:48:39,081 --> 00:48:41,284
You're his dealer,
so you have painting!
698
00:48:41,384 --> 00:48:44,187
I am very sorry. I simply don't know.
699
00:48:44,287 --> 00:48:49,299
Dmitri, please to fetch
12-volt high-tension car battery.
700
00:48:49,859 --> 00:48:52,862
I am afraid you are barking up
the wrong Englishman, comrade.
701
00:48:52,962 --> 00:48:56,299
Vladimir, please to take
Mr. Mortdecai's trousers down.
702
00:48:58,935 --> 00:49:01,273
Perhaps we can work something out.
703
00:49:01,373 --> 00:49:05,341
What if I find it for you?
Say, 30% finder's fee, what?
704
00:49:05,441 --> 00:49:06,946
Open your balls.
705
00:49:10,012 --> 00:49:13,219
I shan't! What does that even mean?
706
00:49:15,918 --> 00:49:17,444
I'll go to 20.
707
00:49:18,754 --> 00:49:19,756
Balls.
708
00:49:20,890 --> 00:49:23,457
10% seems exploitive!
709
00:49:25,561 --> 00:49:27,562
That's not cricket!
710
00:49:32,368 --> 00:49:34,395
Oh, Jock...
711
00:49:37,873 --> 00:49:42,211
Jump! Oh, dear, sweet, resourceful Jock.
712
00:49:42,738 --> 00:49:44,046
It's my manservant.
713
00:49:44,146 --> 00:49:46,818
It appears he's requesting
my immediate self-defenestration.
714
00:49:52,305 --> 00:49:53,490
Balls!
715
00:49:55,157 --> 00:49:57,049
Forgive me, Vladimir.
716
00:50:00,696 --> 00:50:02,015
No balls.
717
00:50:05,801 --> 00:50:08,876
Thank you so much, Vladimir.
718
00:50:09,538 --> 00:50:11,574
Oh, I see...
719
00:50:12,742 --> 00:50:16,668
- Hello! I'm outside.
- Come on, sir.
720
00:50:16,768 --> 00:50:19,816
- I wish to use your telephone!
- Head toward the bike.
721
00:50:19,916 --> 00:50:22,752
Oh, I love motorcycles.
They're very fast.
722
00:50:22,852 --> 00:50:24,920
- Sir? Sir?
- What, Jock?
723
00:50:25,020 --> 00:50:26,897
Your trousers. It's a little unseemly.
724
00:50:26,997 --> 00:50:29,743
The trousers... Jock, you know,
it's entirely possible...
725
00:50:29,843 --> 00:50:31,453
- ...that I've bumped my head...
- You think?
726
00:50:31,553 --> 00:50:35,464
Have you heard the expression,
"Open your balls"?
727
00:50:35,564 --> 00:50:38,634
- No, sir.
- It made me feel dirty.
728
00:50:44,273 --> 00:50:46,292
Hang on, sir!
729
00:50:53,649 --> 00:50:55,771
Bloody good show, Jock!
730
00:50:55,951 --> 00:50:57,554
You really are a cut above!
731
00:50:59,422 --> 00:51:01,187
Where would you like to go, sir?
732
00:51:01,287 --> 00:51:06,562
The only safe ground is English soil.
To the Embassy, chop-chop.
733
00:51:07,506 --> 00:51:09,073
Jock?
734
00:51:10,099 --> 00:51:11,511
Keep your head down, sir!
735
00:51:14,704 --> 00:51:16,105
- Hang on, sir!
- Okay!
736
00:51:17,439 --> 00:51:18,507
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?
737
00:51:18,607 --> 00:51:21,678
- Will it be all right in the end?
- I couldn't say, sir!
738
00:51:30,719 --> 00:51:33,185
No, not the stairs!
739
00:51:39,094 --> 00:51:41,397
A bit of noise, sir!
740
00:51:42,297 --> 00:51:44,256
There we go!
741
00:51:56,746 --> 00:52:00,650
- Oh, it was dashed exhilarating.
- Where to, sir?
742
00:52:00,750 --> 00:52:02,752
Well, it was long ago,
and she was underage,
743
00:52:02,852 --> 00:52:04,987
but I do believe
the embassy is that way.
744
00:52:05,087 --> 00:52:07,600
- Right you are, sir.
- Right.
745
00:52:07,756 --> 00:52:09,458
- Jockie?
- Yes, sir?
746
00:52:09,658 --> 00:52:12,362
- "Open your balls"?
- I have no idea.
747
00:52:12,462 --> 00:52:16,201
Is it that you actually know
and don't want to tell me?
748
00:52:16,301 --> 00:52:17,333
Yes, sir.
749
00:52:20,168 --> 00:52:22,372
They've got him.
Ambassador's residence in Moscow.
750
00:52:22,472 --> 00:52:24,039
They're putting him
on the next flight to Heathrow.
751
00:52:24,139 --> 00:52:27,009
- Thank you.
- And his wife is on line six for you.
752
00:52:27,409 --> 00:52:29,467
Thank you!
753
00:52:30,679 --> 00:52:32,753
Thank you, Maurice.
754
00:52:33,182 --> 00:52:34,703
Maurice?
755
00:52:35,350 --> 00:52:36,786
Shut the door.
756
00:52:37,086 --> 00:52:38,592
Yes, sir.
757
00:52:41,357 --> 00:52:43,926
Hello, Johanna. We've found him.
He's on his way home.
758
00:52:44,414 --> 00:52:48,631
Thank heavens. This place is an absolute
mausoleum on one's own.
759
00:52:48,731 --> 00:52:51,200
- Do you feel unsafe?
- A bit.
760
00:52:51,300 --> 00:52:53,169
I could park outside for the night.
761
00:52:53,469 --> 00:52:56,772
Oh, I couldn't ask.
But how about tomorrow?
762
00:52:56,872 --> 00:52:59,475
Do come in, of course. Say, 8:00?
763
00:52:59,675 --> 00:53:01,944
You, me, and Charlie?
764
00:53:02,044 --> 00:53:05,818
Well, of course, Alastair. Wouldn't do,
the two of us here alone, would it?
765
00:53:07,216 --> 00:53:10,000
No, I suppose not. Still...
766
00:53:10,100 --> 00:53:12,593
if he can't make it, he can't make it.
767
00:53:13,355 --> 00:53:14,924
May I bring anything?
768
00:53:15,024 --> 00:53:16,692
Perhaps there is something
you could bring.
769
00:53:16,992 --> 00:53:18,160
A bottle of Chardonnay?
770
00:53:18,260 --> 00:53:20,627
A complete regimental listing
of the British 7th Army,
771
00:53:20,727 --> 00:53:23,228
2nd Division, June of 1945.
772
00:53:24,867 --> 00:53:27,542
- Very well, Johanna.
- 'Til tomorrow. Ta!
773
00:53:31,574 --> 00:53:35,143
Well, maybe he won't
be able to make it.
774
00:53:49,592 --> 00:53:51,994
- Uppy, uppy, Jock!
- You are uppy, sir.
775
00:53:52,094 --> 00:53:55,130
Am I? Where are we?
776
00:53:55,497 --> 00:53:58,500
You should see the other fellow.
777
00:53:59,802 --> 00:54:01,970
The fact that you're as drunk
as a fiddler's bitch
778
00:54:02,070 --> 00:54:06,625
in no way obviates the fact that you very
nearly caused an international incident.
779
00:54:06,725 --> 00:54:11,007
A man your age has no excuse
for looking or behaving like a fugitive
780
00:54:11,107 --> 00:54:15,218
from a home for alcoholic
music hall artistes.
781
00:54:15,318 --> 00:54:17,970
I will have you know
that I am not an alcoholic.
782
00:54:18,070 --> 00:54:21,590
I am a drunk,
and there is a vast difference.
783
00:54:21,690 --> 00:54:25,094
In my defense,
I was not drinking until the plane.
784
00:54:25,194 --> 00:54:27,263
- And in the car, sir.
- And a bit in the car.
785
00:54:27,363 --> 00:54:32,301
- And the Ambassador's residence.
- And at the Ambassador's residence.
786
00:54:32,401 --> 00:54:36,972
The only advice I offer is you do not apply
to another of our embassies for help
787
00:54:37,072 --> 00:54:41,710
if and when you outrage the laws
of the United States, once you are there.
788
00:54:41,810 --> 00:54:44,313
Stop! Stop!
789
00:54:44,413 --> 00:54:47,516
Are you suggesting
that I go to the Colonies?
790
00:54:47,616 --> 00:54:50,353
Perish the vile thought.
I couldn't possibly.
791
00:54:50,453 --> 00:54:54,640
The sale of your Rolls-Royce to Krampf
will offer you a perfect cover.
792
00:54:54,740 --> 00:54:56,809
Find out if he's got that painting.
793
00:54:56,909 --> 00:54:59,662
Get behind the gates of his estate
and poke around a bit.
794
00:55:00,262 --> 00:55:03,566
The car has been loaded
upon a cargo flight to Los Angeles,
795
00:55:03,666 --> 00:55:07,002
and is halfway across the Atlantic.
You will follow.
796
00:55:07,102 --> 00:55:09,705
California? Oh, icky!
797
00:55:10,005 --> 00:55:14,043
Your bags have been packed and checked,
and your flight leaves... Now.
798
00:55:14,143 --> 00:55:16,261
On your feet, soldier.
799
00:55:17,546 --> 00:55:18,815
Hang on to me.
800
00:55:20,549 --> 00:55:24,987
I should like to ring my wife because
she's probably quite worried about me.
801
00:55:25,087 --> 00:55:29,667
Oh, don't worry about her.
I've been keeping her filled in.
802
00:55:31,293 --> 00:55:33,579
I say, old bean!
803
00:55:33,679 --> 00:55:35,831
Go to America and see Krampf.
804
00:55:35,931 --> 00:55:40,669
Do what it takes to bring the painting back,
and leave Johanna to me.
805
00:55:54,750 --> 00:55:58,270
Jock? Come here.
806
00:55:58,721 --> 00:56:00,095
I'm frightened.
807
00:56:00,195 --> 00:56:04,759
Do you think that Johanna is thawing
on the subject of the moustache?
808
00:56:09,131 --> 00:56:10,599
Hi.
809
00:56:10,699 --> 00:56:12,268
Hello.
810
00:56:14,603 --> 00:56:17,342
Sorry, there was a queue.
811
00:56:20,175 --> 00:56:22,144
Good God, man!
812
00:56:23,011 --> 00:56:26,302
Jockie! Focus, man!
813
00:56:26,402 --> 00:56:28,651
There are but five days to insolvency.
814
00:56:28,751 --> 00:56:31,587
- Two, sir.
- No, today's, what, Monday?
815
00:56:31,687 --> 00:56:35,157
- Thursday, sir.
- Well done. Carry on.
816
00:57:10,158 --> 00:57:13,529
Jock. Dear, sweet, sperm-heavy Jock.
817
00:57:13,629 --> 00:57:18,451
Behold this America, this new colossus,
this fair land of the free!
818
00:57:19,334 --> 00:57:22,404
What kind of hell-place is this?
819
00:57:23,338 --> 00:57:25,274
I feel as though
we've made a wrong turn
820
00:57:25,374 --> 00:57:27,610
and arrived on the set
of a pornographic film.
821
00:57:27,810 --> 00:57:31,714
Have we taken a wrong turn and arrived
on the set of a pornographic film?
822
00:57:33,115 --> 00:57:34,633
Checking in?
823
00:57:34,733 --> 00:57:38,421
I am Mortdecai, Lord of Silverdale.
824
00:57:38,521 --> 00:57:43,259
I should like to request a bucket of ice,
"Do Not Disturb" sign, and a bulldozer.
825
00:57:44,693 --> 00:57:47,433
- Checking in?
- Yeah, we're checking in.
826
00:57:47,930 --> 00:57:50,766
I suspect I may need to redecorate.
827
00:57:51,066 --> 00:57:53,202
Room 326, overlooks the pool.
828
00:57:54,002 --> 00:57:57,106
So all I must do is show up,
829
00:57:57,206 --> 00:57:59,908
and I'm presented with a credit card.
830
00:58:00,008 --> 00:58:02,911
No wonder your country's
in financial ruin.
831
00:58:03,011 --> 00:58:05,047
Do you need help with your bags?
832
00:58:05,147 --> 00:58:09,695
No, I do not need help with my bags.
I have a fucking manservant.
833
00:58:10,018 --> 00:58:11,620
Strange country.
834
00:58:22,731 --> 00:58:24,562
Hello.
835
00:58:29,938 --> 00:58:31,440
Hold it.
836
00:58:33,709 --> 00:58:35,221
Thanks.
837
00:58:37,679 --> 00:58:39,414
Hey.
838
00:58:39,514 --> 00:58:41,076
Hello...
839
00:58:57,099 --> 00:59:00,402
It's like listening
to bloody orangutans!
840
00:59:00,502 --> 00:59:03,005
Oh, really, why? Why?
841
00:59:09,611 --> 00:59:11,513
Hello, American?
842
00:59:11,613 --> 00:59:15,150
The rooms here are made of cement.
Very good in case of an air raid.
843
00:59:15,250 --> 00:59:17,152
But for those of us trying
to get a bit of rest
844
00:59:17,252 --> 00:59:20,489
after an arduous crossing,
a bit of an acoustic nightmare.
845
00:59:20,589 --> 00:59:23,492
So would you please stop
grunting like wildebeests
846
00:59:23,592 --> 00:59:26,796
and allow me to get some sleep, man?
Please! Please!
847
00:59:26,896 --> 00:59:29,665
Sorry, sir. We'll try and keep it down.
848
00:59:29,865 --> 00:59:33,935
Good God, Jock!
Put that thing away, man!
849
00:59:44,012 --> 00:59:45,545
Hello?
850
00:59:45,779 --> 00:59:49,451
Apple of my eye. The love of my life.
851
00:59:49,551 --> 00:59:52,287
Everything here makes me think of you.
852
00:59:52,487 --> 00:59:54,543
Who is this?
853
00:59:55,891 --> 01:00:00,312
It is I, your beloved.
Your husband, Charlie.
854
01:00:00,412 --> 01:00:01,864
Where are you?
855
01:00:01,964 --> 01:00:05,167
Oh, a terribly vulgar place
called Los Angeles.
856
01:00:05,267 --> 01:00:07,603
Apparently located
in the far West colonies.
857
01:00:07,703 --> 01:00:09,521
Well, what are you doing there?
858
01:00:09,621 --> 01:00:13,208
Well, I'm delivering the Rolls
to that grotesque Milton Krampf
859
01:00:13,308 --> 01:00:16,278
and retrieving a certain something
in the process.
860
01:00:16,378 --> 01:00:19,948
Stay away from Krampf's daughter.
She's a well-known nymphomaniac.
861
01:00:20,648 --> 01:00:23,051
Is she? How do you know such things?
862
01:00:23,151 --> 01:00:25,788
Johanna, we seem to be out of ice.
Should I send for some?
863
01:00:25,888 --> 01:00:27,656
It's my husband on the line.
864
01:00:27,756 --> 01:00:30,759
Oh, is he still alive?
Has he got the painting yet?
865
01:00:30,859 --> 01:00:33,729
- Is that Martland?
- I'll just be a moment, Alastair.
866
01:00:33,829 --> 01:00:37,965
That Judas! That Ajax! That Paris!
Or was it Agamemnon?
867
01:00:38,065 --> 01:00:40,120
Oh, you know who I mean.
That ghastly chap
868
01:00:40,220 --> 01:00:43,606
who stole Helen of Troy and started
all that nasty business in Greece.
869
01:00:47,595 --> 01:00:49,011
- Done!
- Finally!
870
01:00:49,111 --> 01:00:53,882
Charlie? Why are people achieving
climax in your immediate vicinity?
871
01:00:54,182 --> 01:00:59,221
Well, I think I'm staying in some
sort of cement brothel, my love.
872
01:00:59,521 --> 01:01:02,591
- Say that again.
- You look here, I will have you know
873
01:01:02,691 --> 01:01:06,862
that I too am capable of being desirable
to a certain type of woman!
874
01:01:06,962 --> 01:01:09,331
- Charlie!
- Yes, oh, yes!
875
01:01:09,431 --> 01:01:14,486
Some women go blind batting their lashes
for mustachioed men such as I!
876
01:01:14,586 --> 01:01:18,090
Charlie Mortdecai,
you are on very dangerous ground!
877
01:01:18,190 --> 01:01:20,609
Tell me the name
of that nympho daughter of Krampf's!
878
01:01:20,709 --> 01:01:23,546
Perhaps she would render
an opinion on the issue!
879
01:01:31,153 --> 01:01:35,223
Never mind. I've found a cold Latour
which we might enjoy...
880
01:01:36,358 --> 01:01:38,386
Johanna?
881
01:01:39,061 --> 01:01:40,330
Oh, balls.
882
01:01:41,330 --> 01:01:46,135
Jock and I set off to deliver the Rolls
to my client, Milton Krampf.
883
01:01:46,735 --> 01:01:49,638
Ruthless billionaire, art collector,
884
01:01:49,738 --> 01:01:54,076
and the rumored possessor
of the lost Goya.
885
01:01:54,176 --> 01:01:56,345
I was hot on the scent,
886
01:01:56,445 --> 01:02:00,482
and a teensy bit curious
about his nympho daughter.
887
01:02:07,455 --> 01:02:09,535
Yes... Right.
888
01:02:10,025 --> 01:02:13,596
We must secure the painting,
escape this nightmare posthaste
889
01:02:13,696 --> 01:02:15,597
and you should interrupt me
as soon as you can.
890
01:02:15,697 --> 01:02:16,916
Yes, sir.
891
01:02:22,971 --> 01:02:25,474
Lucky saddle.
892
01:02:27,275 --> 01:02:32,915
Yes! The fine life-giving
drinks tray manifests itself.
893
01:02:33,015 --> 01:02:36,351
- A mint julep, sir.
- Anything will do, I thank you.
894
01:02:36,451 --> 01:02:38,220
I'm Georgina Krampf.
895
01:02:38,320 --> 01:02:40,470
Oh! How do you do?
896
01:02:46,128 --> 01:02:47,463
You must be Mortdecai.
897
01:02:47,763 --> 01:02:51,533
Yes, indeed I am he.
898
01:02:52,634 --> 01:02:55,203
Are you not having
a little something to drink?
899
01:02:55,303 --> 01:02:58,741
No, I never drink alcohol.
I don't like to blunt my senses.
900
01:02:58,941 --> 01:03:00,909
How awful.
901
01:03:01,009 --> 01:03:03,029
Oh, I feel wonderful.
902
01:03:04,399 --> 01:03:06,223
Feel me.
903
01:03:06,715 --> 01:03:08,741
Feel? Oh.
904
01:03:09,951 --> 01:03:12,722
- Oh, yes.
- No, not there, stupid. Here.
905
01:03:17,426 --> 01:03:22,297
- Charlie Mortdecai, you son of a bitch...
- I was not squeezing the breasts...
906
01:03:24,232 --> 01:03:25,184
The Rolls.
907
01:03:51,693 --> 01:03:53,395
So, I was a mule!
908
01:03:53,495 --> 01:03:55,598
Right. You know, Bronwen called me
when she discovered the Goya,
909
01:03:55,698 --> 01:03:58,233
and I called Spinoza,
and then he arranged for everything,
910
01:03:58,333 --> 01:04:01,436
including the smuggling
of the painting in your Rolls.
911
01:04:01,536 --> 01:04:03,505
Yes, but someone found out
about the plan,
912
01:04:03,605 --> 01:04:07,509
and now Bronwen is as stiff
as my Uncle Richard's hatband.
913
01:04:07,609 --> 01:04:10,712
- Art restoring is a nasty business.
- You are a nasty business, sir.
914
01:04:10,812 --> 01:04:13,115
Just look at her. Isn't she a beauty?
915
01:04:13,215 --> 01:04:15,762
- Yes, she is.
- My God...
916
01:04:15,862 --> 01:04:17,853
- She's exquisite.
- So good...
917
01:04:17,953 --> 01:04:22,691
The expert brushstrokes,
the smooth lines...
918
01:04:22,791 --> 01:04:25,627
Doesn't she look like my mother?
Can you see a resemblance?
919
01:04:25,727 --> 01:04:27,462
I never met your mother.
920
01:04:27,562 --> 01:04:31,300
No, not in her, in me.
She's got prominent lips like me...
921
01:04:31,400 --> 01:04:34,127
and those far-searching eyes...
Don't you think so?
922
01:04:34,227 --> 01:04:36,138
Oh, yes. Do you mind?
923
01:04:39,174 --> 01:04:42,105
I was just looking for something...
924
01:04:42,805 --> 01:04:44,860
else.
925
01:04:47,415 --> 01:04:48,717
Okay.
926
01:04:48,917 --> 01:04:51,920
Branspath? Okay. Thank you so much.
927
01:04:52,020 --> 01:04:53,922
- In my study, please.
- Very good, sir.
928
01:04:54,022 --> 01:04:56,492
Thank you. No hard feelings.
929
01:04:56,592 --> 01:04:59,861
I hope you'll stay with me tonight.
I'm throwing a party.
930
01:04:59,961 --> 01:05:01,663
I'm gonna unveil the Duchess,
931
01:05:01,763 --> 01:05:06,001
and watch every art world snob
in town drool all over her.
932
01:05:06,101 --> 01:05:09,063
We'll have your things sent over
from the hotel. Go upstairs and freshen up.
933
01:05:09,163 --> 01:05:11,540
You smell like a horse!
And if you're quick about it,
934
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:14,859
you might have time to couple
with Georgina before dinner.
935
01:05:14,959 --> 01:05:17,146
She's been through
half the staff already.
936
01:05:29,424 --> 01:05:31,360
Sir, you're staring at your liquor.
937
01:05:32,794 --> 01:05:34,963
So I am.
938
01:05:35,063 --> 01:05:39,067
Jock, I fear we are
in the eleventh hour, man.
939
01:05:39,367 --> 01:05:44,106
Our very future rests on getting
our hands on that blasted painting.
940
01:05:44,206 --> 01:05:47,943
And therefore it's imperative
that we devise a plan.
941
01:05:48,043 --> 01:05:50,812
And it will have to be
a fiendishly clever plan.
942
01:05:50,912 --> 01:05:54,182
- Well, sir... I've been thinking...
- And I mean dizzyingly complex,
943
01:05:54,282 --> 01:05:56,451
replete with feints and distractions
944
01:05:56,551 --> 01:05:59,593
and calibrated movements
of the Swiss watch type.
945
01:05:59,693 --> 01:06:01,822
What? Thoughts?
946
01:06:02,157 --> 01:06:05,200
During the party, we steal it
while no one's looking.
947
01:06:08,029 --> 01:06:11,065
Ingenious. Once again?
948
01:06:12,267 --> 01:06:16,004
You go down,
get your face seen a bit...
949
01:06:16,104 --> 01:06:19,124
then you meet me 'round the back later,
we climb up the side of the building,
950
01:06:19,224 --> 01:06:22,043
break through the window,
grab the painting.
951
01:06:22,510 --> 01:06:24,913
Oh, diabolical.
952
01:06:26,165 --> 01:06:27,910
Let's review it
a few more times, shall we?
953
01:06:28,010 --> 01:06:29,918
It's just the old
smash-and-grab routine, sir.
954
01:06:30,018 --> 01:06:34,522
Of course it is. This is just
the old smash-and-grab business.
955
01:06:34,622 --> 01:06:36,158
Smash-and-grab.
956
01:06:36,458 --> 01:06:38,226
- Jock?
- Yes, sir?
957
01:06:38,326 --> 01:06:40,729
- I am so very proud of you.
- Thank you, sir.
958
01:06:40,829 --> 01:06:42,129
- And, Jock?
- Yes, sir?
959
01:06:42,229 --> 01:06:44,666
- You know, I've always been fond of you.
- Thank you, sir.
960
01:06:44,766 --> 01:06:45,811
- Jock?
- Yup?
961
01:06:45,911 --> 01:06:49,417
- Will it be all right in the end?
- How the fuck should I know?
962
01:07:11,593 --> 01:07:13,394
Unremarkable.
963
01:07:21,069 --> 01:07:24,606
Keep the Englishman busy.
I create distraction.
964
01:07:24,706 --> 01:07:26,746
No problem.
965
01:07:40,521 --> 01:07:42,113
Hi.
966
01:07:43,825 --> 01:07:46,927
- That's my bottom.
- Dance with me.
967
01:07:47,862 --> 01:07:49,314
Starburst!
968
01:07:51,933 --> 01:07:53,802
Oh! So much! So much to look at!
969
01:07:59,607 --> 01:08:00,526
Have me.
970
01:08:00,626 --> 01:08:04,446
Oh, my dear, I'm so tired.
And so married and so tired.
971
01:08:04,546 --> 01:08:09,184
And so married... Oh!
And I'm married and tired, you know.
972
01:08:09,684 --> 01:08:11,053
I...
973
01:08:16,658 --> 01:08:19,995
Darling! Whatever brings you here?
974
01:08:20,395 --> 01:08:23,698
This is not a breast in my hand!
975
01:08:24,198 --> 01:08:28,611
I was unhappy with our last conversation,
so I got on the next plane. Surprised?
976
01:08:28,803 --> 01:08:31,573
Oh, pleasantly.
977
01:08:32,006 --> 01:08:34,042
Aren't you going to introduce us?
978
01:08:34,142 --> 01:08:37,812
Johanna, my dear,
this is Milton Krampf's nymph...
979
01:08:37,912 --> 01:08:39,814
Daughter Georgina.
980
01:08:39,914 --> 01:08:45,453
And she was, well, we were having
a discussion about three...
981
01:08:46,054 --> 01:08:49,057
Sometimes, you know, how it's like a...
982
01:08:56,998 --> 01:08:59,815
My, my, look at the time!
983
01:09:02,954 --> 01:09:04,206
Carry on!
984
01:09:12,480 --> 01:09:15,349
A beast... A beast...
985
01:09:19,421 --> 01:09:23,958
Yes, yes, yes. Good hungry doggie...
986
01:09:24,058 --> 01:09:26,667
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie...
987
01:09:26,767 --> 01:09:30,298
Weenie, weenie, weenie, weenie,
weenie, weenie, weenie...
988
01:09:40,808 --> 01:09:42,076
I met a beast...
989
01:09:42,176 --> 01:09:43,711
Krampf's window
is the second one on the left.
990
01:09:43,811 --> 01:09:47,582
- No, no. I met a beast!
- Get on that ladder!
991
01:09:47,882 --> 01:09:52,553
And what, pray tell, might you be doing
whilst I'm engaged in thus heroics?
992
01:09:53,087 --> 01:09:55,724
Beast! Beast! Beast...
993
01:10:01,095 --> 01:10:05,066
How I long for the rain
and indifference of Europe.
994
01:10:05,166 --> 01:10:08,136
- Well done, Jock!
- It's a privilege, sir!
995
01:10:20,415 --> 01:10:21,781
Well then, Mr. Krampf.
996
01:10:21,881 --> 01:10:25,547
I suppose since you're here
and I'm here,
997
01:10:25,647 --> 01:10:27,322
it's time for you and I to talk turkey.
998
01:10:38,600 --> 01:10:39,535
Oh, I see.
999
01:10:43,905 --> 01:10:45,831
Oh, I see.
1000
01:10:47,409 --> 01:10:51,446
Bad news for you, Strago.
There are no bank codes on that painting.
1001
01:10:51,946 --> 01:10:56,117
I think we both know that there are.
Invisible ink, no?
1002
01:10:56,217 --> 01:10:57,875
Stop right there!
1003
01:10:58,353 --> 01:11:00,322
Sit down. Sit!
1004
01:11:00,422 --> 01:11:03,858
I... I warn you, Georgina. You have
no idea what you're getting involved with.
1005
01:11:03,958 --> 01:11:06,828
Despite his man purse,
Strago is very dangerous.
1006
01:11:06,928 --> 01:11:10,865
- Darling, they are in cahoots.
- How do you know?
1007
01:11:10,965 --> 01:11:13,542
Oh, that's gross!
1008
01:11:13,968 --> 01:11:15,537
We are in love.
1009
01:11:15,637 --> 01:11:17,339
Drop the gun!
1010
01:11:17,839 --> 01:11:18,940
Emil!
1011
01:11:19,040 --> 01:11:20,973
- Alastair!
- Do it now!
1012
01:11:28,216 --> 01:11:31,920
Good show, Martland!
Bit redundant, really, as he's dead.
1013
01:11:32,020 --> 01:11:35,189
- Alastair, what are you doing here?
- I followed you.
1014
01:11:35,289 --> 01:11:38,460
Wouldn't do to have you walking into all
this mess on your own, now, would it?
1015
01:11:38,560 --> 01:11:40,261
Jock, give me the painting.
1016
01:11:40,361 --> 01:11:43,331
- Sit down!
- Drop the knife! I will shoot you.
1017
01:11:43,431 --> 01:11:45,300
Yes, most likely by accident.
1018
01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:48,403
None of you will ever know what it's like
to make love to a man with principles.
1019
01:11:48,503 --> 01:11:50,973
Well, in my case,
I can safely say you are correct.
1020
01:11:51,073 --> 01:11:54,042
However, I never went to Eton
where buggery is rampant.
1021
01:11:54,142 --> 01:11:55,910
Oh, you were at Eton,
weren't you, Martland?
1022
01:11:56,010 --> 01:11:58,914
Yes, yes, I was. Yes, I was!
1023
01:12:10,792 --> 01:12:13,311
Please don't be sick!
Please don't be sick!
1024
01:12:13,961 --> 01:12:15,330
It's the shellfish!
1025
01:12:16,631 --> 01:12:18,600
- You have it? Do you have it?
- Go! Go!
1026
01:12:18,700 --> 01:12:21,242
I go, I go, I go!
1027
01:12:22,003 --> 01:12:23,059
Valet!
1028
01:12:23,738 --> 01:12:26,708
- Oh, I don't like that. I don't like it.
- Close your eyes, sir.
1029
01:12:26,808 --> 01:12:30,165
- Give me the keys. Keys to the Rolls.
- Come on, let's go.
1030
01:12:30,265 --> 01:12:32,314
Well, at least none of us
had the shellfish.
1031
01:12:38,152 --> 01:12:40,202
Jock, please!
1032
01:12:40,988 --> 01:12:43,124
My sympathetic gag reflex.
1033
01:12:43,224 --> 01:12:47,229
Have you lost your bearings, man?
Shellfish at a catered affair?
1034
01:12:57,639 --> 01:13:01,776
I will have you two know that I had a firm
grasp on things before you showed up.
1035
01:13:01,876 --> 01:13:04,412
You certainly had
a firm grasp on something!
1036
01:13:04,512 --> 01:13:07,215
You dare to cast aspersions?
1037
01:13:07,315 --> 01:13:11,353
I am not the one entertaining
at all hours with a failed poet!
1038
01:13:19,227 --> 01:13:21,696
At least my focus at university
wasn't plagiarism!
1039
01:13:21,796 --> 01:13:23,855
Oh, stay out of it!
1040
01:13:27,468 --> 01:13:30,905
Oh, I've got a sensitive tummy!
There's more, there's more, there's more.
1041
01:13:31,005 --> 01:13:33,541
- No more, no more, no more.
- I swallowed it.
1042
01:13:35,477 --> 01:13:37,912
At least I have the good taste
to hide my indiscretions
1043
01:13:38,012 --> 01:13:39,847
and not parade them
under everyone's nose!
1044
01:13:39,947 --> 01:13:42,850
- So you admit there were indiscretions?
- I admit nothing!
1045
01:13:42,950 --> 01:13:44,953
- Then I deny nothing.
- Oh, shut up!
1046
01:14:00,234 --> 01:14:03,471
Questionable attack, Jock.
Spirited, though.
1047
01:14:03,971 --> 01:14:05,006
I'm done.
1048
01:14:40,007 --> 01:14:41,632
- There's their car!
- Where?
1049
01:14:41,732 --> 01:14:43,237
There!
1050
01:14:45,947 --> 01:14:50,190
Now we wait. Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine...
1051
01:14:50,290 --> 01:14:52,820
- Twenty-eight...
- Don't count.
1052
01:14:58,660 --> 01:15:01,666
Better out than in. All right.
1053
01:15:02,830 --> 01:15:04,799
I shall secure the perimeter.
1054
01:15:04,899 --> 01:15:07,802
Why, this is an outrage!
There's not an ocean vista
1055
01:15:07,902 --> 01:15:10,672
- within miles of this establishment.
- Please don't be tiresome. Jock!
1056
01:15:10,772 --> 01:15:14,442
Are you quite finished
with your barrage of insults?
1057
01:15:18,112 --> 01:15:22,650
Now we heat the surface,
reveal the codes and transfer the money.
1058
01:15:22,750 --> 01:15:24,807
Get the blowtorch.
1059
01:15:45,306 --> 01:15:47,041
Nobody make a move.
1060
01:15:47,141 --> 01:15:51,045
I really wouldn't, you know,
he's trained and sexually frustrated.
1061
01:15:51,145 --> 01:15:54,415
Those bank codes won't fall
into the wrong hands again.
1062
01:15:54,515 --> 01:15:56,621
- Back away from the painting.
- Oh, don't do that!
1063
01:15:56,721 --> 01:15:58,653
- For heaven's sake.
- For England!
1064
01:16:05,026 --> 01:16:06,526
Oh, dear.
1065
01:16:08,412 --> 01:16:10,973
- Everyone out!
- Okay.
1066
01:16:22,343 --> 01:16:25,313
The local authorities were displeased.
1067
01:16:25,413 --> 01:16:27,014
Strago and Georgina fled,
1068
01:16:27,114 --> 01:16:31,152
leaving the rest of us to answer
some rather pointed questions.
1069
01:16:31,252 --> 01:16:34,439
I recounted the sordid tale
as best I could...
1070
01:16:34,539 --> 01:16:38,660
This may be a customary greeting
in America. I don't know.
1071
01:16:39,260 --> 01:16:43,097
All the while,
my thoughts were only of home.
1072
01:16:43,197 --> 01:16:48,035
If indeed Johanna and I
still had a home to go to.
1073
01:16:55,943 --> 01:16:59,207
I'm not sure if Jock has mentioned it,
1074
01:16:59,307 --> 01:17:03,484
but I am very, very sorry
about everything.
1075
01:17:03,584 --> 01:17:07,087
Darling? Please?
1076
01:17:11,959 --> 01:17:17,431
I suppose that we will have
to open the house to tours.
1077
01:17:17,531 --> 01:17:20,601
I'll have Jock fix up
the servants quarters for us.
1078
01:17:20,701 --> 01:17:25,673
Do you think that Jockie will stay on
without pay or lodging?
1079
01:17:25,773 --> 01:17:29,727
Don't be daft. This isn't finished yet.
1080
01:17:29,827 --> 01:17:33,714
That painting was a fake.
A fake? How do you know?
1081
01:17:33,814 --> 01:17:35,961
A chap called Bunny's got the real one.
1082
01:17:36,061 --> 01:17:38,252
- Bunny?
- Bronwen lied from the start.
1083
01:17:38,652 --> 01:17:43,124
She never found the lost Goya.
She painted it.
1084
01:17:43,224 --> 01:17:44,259
Of course!
1085
01:17:44,659 --> 01:17:47,562
Bronwen makes a fake, and calls Krampf.
1086
01:17:47,662 --> 01:17:51,179
Am I interested? I'm wildly interested.
1087
01:17:51,279 --> 01:17:53,401
Krampf calls Spinoza.
1088
01:17:53,501 --> 01:17:55,931
Georgina finds out about it
and tells Emil,
1089
01:17:56,031 --> 01:17:58,172
who goes to steal the painting
from Bronwen.
1090
01:17:58,272 --> 01:18:00,274
But Spinoza's already there.
1091
01:18:00,374 --> 01:18:03,411
He boffs Emil on the bean
and takes the painting.
1092
01:18:03,611 --> 01:18:07,081
Spinoza then secrets
the painting into the Rolls
1093
01:18:07,181 --> 01:18:11,052
and I unwittingly smuggle it to Krampf.
1094
01:18:11,152 --> 01:18:14,755
The Duke told me that Bunny
has the painting, but I can't find him.
1095
01:18:14,855 --> 01:18:18,993
- Which Duke?
- Of Asherboroughdon. Bronwen's lover.
1096
01:18:19,093 --> 01:18:20,595
Bunny.
1097
01:18:20,695 --> 01:18:23,731
"Love, your Bunny!"
Oh! The note in the studio.
1098
01:18:23,831 --> 01:18:26,200
It was not from a child,
it was from him.
1099
01:18:26,300 --> 01:18:29,437
The Duke is Bunny.
1100
01:18:29,637 --> 01:18:32,769
- And it wasn't his tadger.
- Come again?
1101
01:18:32,869 --> 01:18:35,343
The Duke kept trying to get me
to go into his lavatory
1102
01:18:35,443 --> 01:18:38,345
- to look at his John Thomas.
- Oh. Randy bugger.
1103
01:18:38,445 --> 01:18:41,816
Only that wasn't it at all! He was trying
to show me the real painting.
1104
01:18:42,316 --> 01:18:45,907
The Duchess of Wellington
is in Bunny's loo.
1105
01:19:02,203 --> 01:19:04,756
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.
1106
01:19:06,173 --> 01:19:09,743
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my!
1107
01:19:10,878 --> 01:19:12,530
- Oh, my.
- Oh, my.
1108
01:19:15,182 --> 01:19:19,396
Well, the water bailiff
won't bother him now.
1109
01:19:20,688 --> 01:19:24,692
- Terribly sorry for your loss, madam.
- How very kind.
1110
01:19:26,193 --> 01:19:28,763
Would you mind ever so much
if we used the lavatory?
1111
01:19:30,698 --> 01:19:33,063
It's this way.
1112
01:19:38,506 --> 01:19:41,303
Oh, you beautiful breadwinner.
1113
01:19:42,443 --> 01:19:45,980
- Darling, please, you are killing me.
- Right.
1114
01:19:47,047 --> 01:19:50,751
- Out the window with it?
- Quite.
1115
01:19:51,985 --> 01:19:53,851
However...
1116
01:19:54,488 --> 01:19:57,959
I do have the slightest of queries.
1117
01:19:58,059 --> 01:20:00,127
What do we do next?
1118
01:20:01,094 --> 01:20:03,197
Because if Martland should get
his grubby hands on that painting,
1119
01:20:03,297 --> 01:20:07,869
he would destroy a magnificent work of art.
And we will be out a finder's fee.
1120
01:20:07,969 --> 01:20:10,171
If it falls into Strago's hands,
1121
01:20:10,271 --> 01:20:15,142
he will unleash his unpleasantness
to disastrous effect upon the world.
1122
01:20:15,242 --> 01:20:19,713
And if we try to sell it to Romanov,
he will kill us and simply take it instead.
1123
01:20:19,813 --> 01:20:23,818
And yet we must find a way to pay
eight million in back taxes.
1124
01:20:23,918 --> 01:20:28,021
Quite, quite, yes, indeed, quite.
1125
01:20:28,121 --> 01:20:31,892
Quite a conundrum, this. I shall need
a moment to think this through, I'm afraid.
1126
01:20:31,992 --> 01:20:34,078
Yes, do. Do think.
1127
01:20:34,178 --> 01:20:37,533
Just bear in mind, I'm standing on a loo,
holding a dead man's Goya.
1128
01:20:38,933 --> 01:20:42,436
Our painting is entered in Sedgwick's
Friday auction, is it not?
1129
01:20:42,936 --> 01:20:45,740
- Yes.
- Perfect.
1130
01:20:45,840 --> 01:20:49,977
We are going to enter the Goya into
the auction, disguised as our Sheridan.
1131
01:20:50,277 --> 01:20:53,314
But it's already at Sedgwick's.
It's been authenticated.
1132
01:20:53,614 --> 01:20:55,483
We'll make a switch.
1133
01:20:55,583 --> 01:20:59,854
But first we must convince our buyers
that the Goya's back in play.
1134
01:20:59,954 --> 01:21:03,297
They won't take our word for it.
They'll want to see it themselves.
1135
01:21:03,397 --> 01:21:05,059
Then we'll show it to them.
1136
01:21:05,759 --> 01:21:10,364
What the situation requires now
is a well-spun rumor.
1137
01:21:10,464 --> 01:21:12,799
Sir Graham. A message for you, sir.
1138
01:21:15,269 --> 01:21:17,805
What is all this nonsense?
1139
01:21:17,905 --> 01:21:21,675
You know I'm not interested
in your flaccid Sheridan.
1140
01:21:21,775 --> 01:21:23,467
Darling?
1141
01:21:29,190 --> 01:21:31,273
Interested now?
1142
01:21:31,373 --> 01:21:33,127
Very.
1143
01:21:33,520 --> 01:21:37,124
- But I watched it burn.
- It's Mortdecai, sir.
1144
01:21:37,224 --> 01:21:41,257
Chatter is he's found a dashedly
clever way to move it on the open market.
1145
01:21:42,430 --> 01:21:46,343
- The auction starts at 5:00 p.m.
- I want that painting.
1146
01:21:46,700 --> 01:21:48,737
The auction got it.
1147
01:21:50,203 --> 01:21:51,272
Good luck!
1148
01:22:02,550 --> 01:22:06,620
I believe he still owes me a finger.
1149
01:22:17,631 --> 01:22:19,400
- Hello, pookie.
- Hello, darling.
1150
01:22:19,800 --> 01:22:23,471
- I nicked one of their passkeys.
- Well done. We're Lot Seven.
1151
01:22:23,571 --> 01:22:27,122
I shall need 30 seconds to make the switch
once it's announced. Do not delay.
1152
01:22:27,222 --> 01:22:31,245
I know this building like the back
of my hand. You will have your time.
1153
01:22:32,446 --> 01:22:34,449
Good luck.
1154
01:22:49,964 --> 01:22:51,765
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
1155
01:22:51,865 --> 01:22:55,265
Welcome to Sedgwick's
Autumn Master's Sale.
1156
01:22:55,365 --> 01:22:58,973
We shall begin with Lot One.
1157
01:22:59,073 --> 01:23:01,442
Barnyard Friends.
A lovely Helen Allingham,
1158
01:23:01,542 --> 01:23:05,679
depicting two horses,
an ass, and several cocks.
1159
01:23:05,779 --> 01:23:07,681
There's a lovely sky here.
1160
01:23:07,781 --> 01:23:11,385
Shall we start the bidding
at 17,000 pounds?
1161
01:23:11,485 --> 01:23:13,721
Seventeen thousand pounds,
thank you very much.
1162
01:23:19,393 --> 01:23:22,400
Stealthy, man, stealthy.
1163
01:23:23,464 --> 01:23:25,999
Like a jungle cat.
1164
01:23:28,502 --> 01:23:31,004
Hello, Vladimir. So good
to see you out and about.
1165
01:23:31,104 --> 01:23:33,874
Tell us where painting is,
or you have big hole in your head.
1166
01:23:33,974 --> 01:23:35,877
You will have hole in your balls!
1167
01:23:38,212 --> 01:23:40,415
Why is Dmitri obsessed with testicula?
1168
01:23:45,452 --> 01:23:50,558
Your mother and father only met once.
And money changed hands.
1169
01:23:51,859 --> 01:23:54,562
Probably less than a 20.
1170
01:23:54,762 --> 01:23:57,999
And they say she was dressed
as a man at the time.
1171
01:23:58,199 --> 01:24:00,714
I wouldn't, mate.
1172
01:24:01,214 --> 01:24:02,410
I really wouldn't.
1173
01:24:03,170 --> 01:24:06,173
Sold to the gentleman
in the fuchsia ascot.
1174
01:24:06,473 --> 01:24:08,409
Moving on to Lot Two.
1175
01:24:08,509 --> 01:24:13,214
All right. There. You won't be
needing this anymore, will you? Will you?
1176
01:24:17,885 --> 01:24:19,487
My God.
1177
01:24:20,521 --> 01:24:23,190
Oh, dash it all, Jock, man, your hand!
1178
01:24:24,225 --> 01:24:26,093
It's all right, sir, I've got another.
1179
01:24:26,193 --> 01:24:28,862
You know, remarkably, this is not
the first time I've shot Jock.
1180
01:24:28,962 --> 01:24:31,365
Sir, the switch. The switch, sir.
1181
01:24:31,465 --> 01:24:34,602
Oh, quite right. No time to dally.
1182
01:24:46,480 --> 01:24:48,515
I'll meet you inside, sir.
1183
01:24:48,615 --> 01:24:51,252
And we move on to Lot Four.
1184
01:24:51,352 --> 01:24:55,089
Fernand Just Quignon's Lavender Field.
1185
01:24:55,989 --> 01:24:57,358
Isn't it charming?
1186
01:25:24,017 --> 01:25:26,621
Thirty-five thousand pounds...
1187
01:25:28,989 --> 01:25:32,893
Forty thousand pounds?
40,000? 45, isn't it?
1188
01:25:32,993 --> 01:25:36,597
Forty-five, thank you, sir.
45, 50, back on the...
1189
01:25:42,803 --> 01:25:43,971
Give me the painting.
1190
01:25:51,144 --> 01:25:53,155
What painting?
1191
01:25:55,849 --> 01:25:59,787
I see that you have been schooled
in the... fine art of fencing.
1192
01:26:01,355 --> 01:26:03,162
Alas,
1193
01:26:04,825 --> 01:26:06,080
so have I.
1194
01:26:07,561 --> 01:26:09,997
An essential part
of every gentleman's education.
1195
01:26:11,665 --> 01:26:13,060
And as a gentleman,
1196
01:26:13,160 --> 01:26:15,988
I should warn you...
that my coup d'arret
1197
01:26:16,088 --> 01:26:20,107
is still whispered about
in hushed tones to this very day.
1198
01:26:22,476 --> 01:26:25,545
I don't like it, I don't like it,
I don't like it, I don't like it!
1199
01:26:27,248 --> 01:26:29,850
Twenty-five thousand pounds.
1200
01:26:39,093 --> 01:26:43,097
Lot Five. Smiling Woman in a Chair.
1201
01:26:55,042 --> 01:26:58,746
Sold for 210,000 pounds.
1202
01:27:03,083 --> 01:27:06,520
And now, moving on to Lot Six.
1203
01:27:33,980 --> 01:27:35,794
Oh, dear.
1204
01:27:44,891 --> 01:27:48,846
I would like to humbly
and unreservedly offer my deepest...
1205
01:27:51,998 --> 01:27:53,362
Truce?
1206
01:27:58,138 --> 01:28:01,175
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you would please remain calm.
1207
01:28:13,754 --> 01:28:17,324
Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please
remain in your seats, I would be grateful.
1208
01:28:27,267 --> 01:28:29,777
Where is Mortdecai?
1209
01:28:30,203 --> 01:28:31,772
Well, come on, then.
1210
01:28:55,262 --> 01:28:56,849
God.
1211
01:28:59,132 --> 01:29:02,334
Going on to Lot Seven.
1212
01:29:02,434 --> 01:29:06,541
- Colonel Blucher with Hounds near Twineham.
- But quietly. Quietly.
1213
01:29:07,741 --> 01:29:11,044
A lovely Sheridan offered
by the Mortdecai estate.
1214
01:29:11,144 --> 01:29:14,692
Shall we start the bidding
at 100,000 pounds?
1215
01:29:15,583 --> 01:29:18,018
One hundred thousand pounds.
Thank you, Sir Graham.
1216
01:29:19,786 --> 01:29:21,822
Fang wants finger.
1217
01:29:21,922 --> 01:29:24,958
Must go and bid. Must go and bid.
Must go and bid.
1218
01:29:27,761 --> 01:29:30,998
Where is Mortdecai? Tell me.
1219
01:29:31,098 --> 01:29:34,101
He's not here, mate. He sent me.
1220
01:29:35,202 --> 01:29:38,972
- Where is he?
- It's just me, mate.
1221
01:29:39,072 --> 01:29:40,541
Oh, God!
1222
01:29:41,408 --> 01:29:43,677
Dear, sweet, heroic Jock.
1223
01:29:44,377 --> 01:29:46,613
Two hundred. Very good.
Do we have three?
1224
01:29:47,193 --> 01:29:48,215
Three.
1225
01:29:48,315 --> 01:29:51,351
Yes, well, in future, if you could
please use your paddles.
1226
01:29:51,551 --> 01:29:54,588
I will take your finger.
1227
01:30:13,407 --> 01:30:18,746
I couldn't help overhearing
some discussion about your finger.
1228
01:30:19,046 --> 01:30:21,682
Oh, don't worry about that, sir,
I've got nine more.
1229
01:30:25,486 --> 01:30:28,021
I feel simply awful, man,
but I must get to the auction.
1230
01:30:28,221 --> 01:30:32,165
- I'll be all right, sir.
- We need eight million.
1231
01:30:33,727 --> 01:30:36,830
Now, can we go to 500?
500, ladies and gentlemen.
1232
01:30:36,930 --> 01:30:39,900
There he is. Now don't cause a panic.
Just get him.
1233
01:30:40,000 --> 01:30:43,203
Five hundred thousand.
Five hundred thousand.
1234
01:30:43,303 --> 01:30:46,540
- Hold. Hold.
- Thank you, madam, 500,000.
1235
01:30:46,640 --> 01:30:49,576
Do I have 600? 600,000 pounds,
ladies and gentlemen.
1236
01:30:49,676 --> 01:30:51,545
- Bid.
- What?
1237
01:30:52,446 --> 01:30:56,483
A bid from Lady Mortdecai, who seems
to be bidding on her own painting.
1238
01:30:56,583 --> 01:30:59,786
Just taking the horse for a trot out
to London and back, are we?
1239
01:30:59,886 --> 01:31:02,156
- Yeah.
- Very well. 600 then.
1240
01:31:02,556 --> 01:31:04,391
I'll make it up to you, Jockie.
1241
01:31:04,491 --> 01:31:06,727
Oh, I know you will, sir.
You always do.
1242
01:31:31,084 --> 01:31:32,866
Well done, sir.
1243
01:31:36,089 --> 01:31:39,125
It is a privilege, Jock.
1244
01:31:39,326 --> 01:31:41,729
Are we all done at 900,000?
1245
01:31:42,429 --> 01:31:43,997
Go bid!
1246
01:31:44,397 --> 01:31:48,234
Fair warning at 900,000 pounds...
1247
01:31:48,334 --> 01:31:50,398
from Sir Graham.
1248
01:31:51,104 --> 01:31:53,229
Last chance.
1249
01:31:53,329 --> 01:31:56,043
- And we are...
- Darling.
1250
01:31:58,044 --> 01:32:02,749
Yes, Lord Mortdecai?
Would you also like to make a bid?
1251
01:32:03,316 --> 01:32:05,252
Ten million pounds.
1252
01:32:05,352 --> 01:32:09,922
Ten million pounds
from Lord Mortdecai himself.
1253
01:32:11,792 --> 01:32:13,126
Move!
1254
01:32:13,226 --> 01:32:16,163
Come on! Twenty million, you swine!
1255
01:32:16,263 --> 01:32:17,731
Twenty-five million.
1256
01:32:17,831 --> 01:32:20,934
Twenty-five and a half!
26 and a quarter!
1257
01:32:21,034 --> 01:32:24,104
- Thirty million. Final offer!
- Is that our final bid?
1258
01:32:24,204 --> 01:32:28,675
Are we all done at 30 million pounds?
1259
01:32:29,642 --> 01:32:31,463
Sold.
1260
01:32:34,581 --> 01:32:37,818
There you are. 2,642 pounds.
1261
01:32:39,786 --> 01:32:42,068
I do beg your pardon.
1262
01:32:42,168 --> 01:32:44,657
Maths were never my strong suit.
1263
01:32:44,757 --> 01:32:48,129
But there was mention of 30 million,
so you take that.
1264
01:32:48,729 --> 01:32:51,765
Less commission, carrying,
handling, and transfer taxes,
1265
01:32:51,865 --> 01:32:54,401
left a total of just over
eight million pounds.
1266
01:32:54,501 --> 01:32:56,603
Which I am sorry to report has been...
1267
01:32:56,703 --> 01:33:02,792
Garnished by Her Majesty's government
in settlement of your tax bill, Charlie.
1268
01:33:03,944 --> 01:33:07,081
Can you think of a good reason
why I shouldn't arrest you right now?
1269
01:33:08,381 --> 01:33:09,850
I eschew discomfort?
1270
01:33:11,051 --> 01:33:12,987
Any blame here should fall on me.
1271
01:33:14,087 --> 01:33:16,089
Dear Alastair,
1272
01:33:16,189 --> 01:33:18,258
if I led you to believe
there was anything between us,
1273
01:33:18,358 --> 01:33:22,162
it was merely to find out
about the case and protect my husband.
1274
01:33:22,262 --> 01:33:23,897
Can you forgive me?
1275
01:33:23,997 --> 01:33:26,064
Of course, Johanna.
1276
01:33:26,783 --> 01:33:28,656
Charlie?
1277
01:33:31,371 --> 01:33:34,456
It was a damned good try, old bean.
1278
01:33:38,812 --> 01:33:41,248
"Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
1279
01:33:41,348 --> 01:33:45,184
"the saddest are these,
'It might have been'."
1280
01:33:45,652 --> 01:33:47,657
Thank you, Maurice.
1281
01:33:57,397 --> 01:34:02,202
Poor Jock. He was frantic with worry.
1282
01:34:02,302 --> 01:34:06,539
But I knew everything
would be all right in the end.
1283
01:34:10,143 --> 01:34:12,240
Magnificent.
1284
01:34:14,247 --> 01:34:16,616
Do you think the codes
are really there?
1285
01:34:16,716 --> 01:34:20,987
They most certainly are, darling.
And I gave them to the authorities.
1286
01:34:21,087 --> 01:34:24,057
Anonymously, of course.
1287
01:34:24,157 --> 01:34:29,196
We may be flat broke, my darling,
but we are not desperate.
1288
01:34:29,296 --> 01:34:32,699
I do hope Romanov doesn't come down
too hard on Sir Graham,
1289
01:34:32,799 --> 01:34:35,902
when he finds out
he bought the wrong fake.
1290
01:34:36,302 --> 01:34:38,156
Lights.
1291
01:34:44,410 --> 01:34:46,847
That is disappointing.
1292
01:34:46,947 --> 01:34:48,849
Very disappointing.
1293
01:34:48,949 --> 01:34:51,393
Open your balls.
1294
01:34:55,421 --> 01:34:56,452
Bollocks.
1295
01:34:57,791 --> 01:34:59,803
Now...
1296
01:34:59,903 --> 01:35:03,504
tell me about that tramp on the horse.
1297
01:35:04,297 --> 01:35:10,737
Oh, my darling, I tried desperately
to be unfaithful to you, I really did.
1298
01:35:11,104 --> 01:35:12,873
But I just couldn't do it.
1299
01:35:14,674 --> 01:35:17,010
It's a terrible moment
when you find yourself
1300
01:35:17,110 --> 01:35:20,414
falling in love
with your own spouse, isn't it?
1301
01:35:20,514 --> 01:35:23,049
Now, that is the look that softens
1302
01:35:23,149 --> 01:35:27,154
every bone in my body, except one.
1303
01:35:29,255 --> 01:35:32,159
Do you mean you are ready?
1304
01:35:33,627 --> 01:35:35,762
I see no obstacle to such a course.
1305
01:35:39,499 --> 01:35:43,737
My love, surely you recall
I have already been circumcised.
1306
01:35:48,842 --> 01:35:50,271
Charlie?
1307
01:35:51,244 --> 01:35:54,414
Mrs. Mortdecai, as you well know,
1308
01:35:54,814 --> 01:35:58,851
I am a man of few words.
1309
01:36:00,486 --> 01:36:04,957
I deeply, deeply love...
1310
01:36:05,492 --> 01:36:07,027
my moustache.
1311
01:36:09,429 --> 01:36:12,038
But... I have discovered...
1312
01:36:13,333 --> 01:36:15,839
that I love you...
1313
01:36:16,703 --> 01:36:17,771
more.
1314
01:36:21,074 --> 01:36:22,054
Proceed.
1315
01:36:25,512 --> 01:36:28,581
Would you really do that for me?
1316
01:36:29,082 --> 01:36:31,167
For you,
1317
01:36:31,267 --> 01:36:34,791
there is nothing I would not do.
1318
01:36:38,124 --> 01:36:41,328
Well, in that case, Mr. Mortdecai,
1319
01:36:41,428 --> 01:36:45,199
I should be very pleased
if you would keep it.
1320
01:36:46,266 --> 01:36:48,134
Really?
1321
01:36:48,234 --> 01:36:50,237
I mean...
1322
01:36:51,604 --> 01:36:54,207
Oh, darl...
1323
01:36:54,307 --> 01:36:56,776
Your gag reflex.
1324
01:36:56,876 --> 01:36:58,872
Try me.
1325
01:37:09,355 --> 01:37:11,091
Pookie.
1326
01:37:11,174 --> 01:37:14,414
I have never been so...
1327
01:37:15,305 --> 01:37:21,793
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