1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,491 MALE NARRATOR: We are often told 3 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:41,244 that happily-ever-afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales 4 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,927 and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. 5 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,130 And yet, on this bright, sunny, Boston afternoon, 6 00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,285 a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, 7 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:55,204 proving two things. 8 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,489 Happy endings can come true for anyone. 9 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:02,122 And America doesn't give a shit about anything. 10 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,642 Do you, Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty, 11 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:08,960 take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband? 12 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,481 I do. 13 00:01:10,600 --> 00:01:12,170 SAM: And do you, Ted, 14 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,807 take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 15 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,610 Fuckin' A right, I do! 16 00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,801 17 00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,690 Then, by the power vested in me, 18 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:24,690 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 19 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:25,966 You may kiss the bear. 20 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,291 (ALL cHEERING) 21 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,287 Thank you, folks. We're going to take a short break 22 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,370 and pass things over to DJ Nightshade. 23 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,210 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 24 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,611 WEDDING ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds! 25 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:28,881 (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) 26 00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,406 Teddy, this is the best day of my life! 27 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,325 I just love you so much. 28 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,084 I love you, too, baby. 29 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,885 I'm gonna go fifty shades of bear on you tonight. 30 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:46,167 Let's go get shit-faced! 31 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,401 Okay! 32 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:50,761 Thank you. 33 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,287 Hey, congrats, you mofos. 34 00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,441 Oh, hey, Guy. 35 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,085 Beautiful ceremony. 36 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:02,408 Oh. Thank you so much for being a part of it. 37 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,164 Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick. 38 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,401 How you doing? 39 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:06,561 Good, good. 40 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,566 He's a gourmet chef. So he knows how to toss a salad. 41 00:03:10,640 --> 00:03:12,290 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 42 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,567 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot. 43 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:19,604 Oh, you guys are getting married? 44 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,603 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together. 45 00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:23,125 Ha! Fuck you. Fuck you. 46 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,480 Deal. 47 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,446 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 48 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:30,489 No! No! I said no Electric Slide. 49 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,762 God damn it, you will not wreck this night 50 00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:36,002 with your forced white people group fun. 51 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,971 (R&B MUSIC PLAYING) 52 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,288 TED: Hey, buddy. You okay, there? 53 00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:49,726 You look a little down. 54 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:52,485 Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? 55 00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,369 Oh! That's nice. 56 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,488 Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it! 57 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,450 (LAUGHS) She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there. 58 00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,602 Look at her. She wants it bad! 59 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:02,847 JOHN: Oh, yeah. She wants more 60 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,167 than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? (MEN LAUGHING) 61 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,329 TED: That's bigger than the average bear right there, I tell you. 62 00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:11,131 JOHN: You know what's fucked up? Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter! 63 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,726 MAN: Oh, shit! Jesus! Come on! 64 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,810 TED: You know what, Johnny? It's entirely possible it's his daughter. 65 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:17,961 That's how it works out there. 66 00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,364 I'm fine. I was thinking about Lori. 67 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,087 Oh, Johnny, come on, man. 68 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,646 It's been six months since you guys got divorced. 69 00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:29,688 I know, I know. it's just that... 70 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,008 Being back in that church again. 71 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,808 I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect. 72 00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,570 Yeah. Well, you're not the first guy 73 00:04:36,680 --> 00:04:37,806 to marry the wrong girl. 74 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:39,365 Hey, listen. Don't let her drag you 75 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,209 down tonight, okay? This is a party. 76 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,483 I'm sorry, buddy. I don't mean to mess up your big day. 77 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:45,847 (SCOFFS) What, you kidding? You're not the one messing it up. 78 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:47,365 Check out Tami-Lyon's asshole brother 79 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:48,686 in the wheelchair. 80 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,566 If you don't dance with me, you're a monster. 81 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,083 Watch it, you fucking tool! 82 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,251 Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud? 83 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:01,406 You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm? 84 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,801 Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam. Tami-Lynn would kill me 85 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,484 if I did drugs on our wedding day. 86 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,210 Ah, she won't notice. 87 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,567 I just did a line with a dude in the men's room 88 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,081 and I bet you can't even spot him. 89 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,571 (GLASS BREAKS) 90 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,081 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 91 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,571 Hey, hey. What do you say we do the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up. 92 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,444 Fuck, let's do it. There he is! 93 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:34,091 Attention, everyone. IVlay I have your attention, please. 94 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,728 Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you, here. 95 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,087 Let's have it, fellas! 96 00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:43,568 (SINGING) When you hear the sound of thunder 97 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,404 Don't you get too scared 98 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,610 Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words 99 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,530 Ho! Fuck you, thunder! 100 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:53,965 You can suck my dick 101 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,444 You can't get me thunder 102 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,562 'Cause you're just God's farts 103 00:05:58,640 --> 00:05:59,687 Yeah! 104 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,330 (CROWD cHEERING) 105 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,689 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 106 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,485 (SINGING) I'm steppin' out with my honey 107 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,728 Can't be bad to feel so good 108 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,167 Never felt quite so sunny 109 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,129 So I keep on knockin' wood 110 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,567 Yeah, steppin' out with my baby 111 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:19,961 Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right 112 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,691 Ask me when will the day be 113 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:26,128 The big day may be tonight 114 00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,964 TED: This is the best day of my life! 115 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:29,731 (TEMPO lNCREAsEs) 116 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:06,321 (MUSIC ENDS) 117 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,563 I'm starving. What the hell are you doing over there? 118 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:21,927 I'm curing cancer. 119 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,168 I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? 120 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:25,447 What do I think you're doing? 121 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,324 I think you're bleeding us dry, is what I think you're doing. 122 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,086 Look at this, look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement. 123 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:33,169 What are you buying over there, Tami? Gold bars? 124 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,844 I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy? 125 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,400 What do you mean? You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier. 126 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:38,527 Yeah? So are you! 127 00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,371 Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit! 128 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:42,601 Oh,no,no, no,no,no! 129 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:44,802 You're just buying weed, you're just buying drugs. 130 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:45,881 You should fucking talk! 131 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,043 I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. 132 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,360 Well, I have to interrupt you or else 133 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,441 I never get to fucking say anything! 134 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,521 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 135 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:53,601 You're always cutting me off! 136 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,001 Are you gonna let me finish talking? 137 00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:57,491 It's important to look good at work. 138 00:09:57,560 --> 00:09:59,642 I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here! 139 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,131 Nobody's in there to look at your ass! 140 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,361 You're acting like an asshole! 141 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,044 Oh, what am I acting like, Tami? 142 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,531 You're acting like a fucking asshole! 143 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,204 Like an asshole! That's what you're acting like! 144 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,124 You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag! 145 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,481 I am the face of the business! Okay? 146 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,329 The face of the business? So get the fuck off my case! 147 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,801 Jesus Christ! Listen to you! You're delusional! 148 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,201 I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've. 149 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,725 Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole! 150 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,040 He treated me good! 151 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:25,886 And (GASPS) he had a dick! He had an awesome dick! 152 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,123 Oh, newsflashl Boston whore has seen Italian penis. 153 00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,403 What the fuck did you just call me, fucker? 154 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:32,845 What did you fucking say? 155 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,206 Jesus! Vvhatthefuck? 156 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,322 You wanna call me a whore? 157 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,561 You wanna throw shit? 158 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:38,846 Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit! 159 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:39,967 I'll fucking throw shit! (GRUNTS) 160 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,287 Oh. Wow. There, see! How do you like that? 161 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:43,721 I'm scared, Teddy! 162 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,962 I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear! 163 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,446 NEIGHBOR: Shut the fuck up! 164 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,010 Oh, for Christ's sake! 165 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,845 Hey, you shut the fuck up! 166 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,325 Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy? 167 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:53,526 Yeah, why don't you come up here 168 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,931 and make me come down there, tough guy? 169 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,162 I am gonna come up there and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! 170 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,605 Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole? 171 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,484 Get your ass up here and kick my ass! 172 00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:01,846 (SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) 173 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,081 Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! 174 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:04,127 Hey, shut up, lady! 175 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,168 Run the fuck back to Russia, you whore! 176 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,606 Get the fuck out of here! 177 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,920 People are trying to sleep! 178 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,001 God damn it! 179 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,161 Shut the fuck up! 180 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,644 Hey, I'm really sorry! Yeah, me, too. 181 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:15,051 She's worse than us. 182 00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:16,531 Yeah, she's our enemy now. 183 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:18,842 (ROCK MUSIC l=>LAYING) 184 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,001 (EXHALES) 185 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,122 Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? 186 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,522 Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster. 187 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,126 $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing. 188 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,043 $25O? Dude, that's ridiculous! 189 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,690 I mean, doesn't your insurance cover that or something? 190 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:37,610 Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet, 191 00:11:37,680 --> 00:11:38,966 but I came back five minutes later, 192 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,371 she was looking at black cooks. 193 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,050 It seems like every time you go online, 194 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,645 you're two clicks away from black cocks. 195 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:44,926 Look. 196 00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,725 See, I'll Google "Grand Canyon." 197 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,400 Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?" 198 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,525 I don't know, man. I got to do something 199 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,170 or my marriage is gonna collapse. (SIGHS) 200 00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:55,846 Here you go, guys. 201 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,570 We're gonna be closing in a few, 202 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,165 but I'm going to this after-hours thing 203 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,964 at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join. 204 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,283 Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an early day tomorrow. 205 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:05,731 Oh, okay. 206 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,690 Well, if you change your mind, here's the address. 207 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,285 I put my cell number on there, too. 208 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:18,481 Oh, my God! Are you fucking kidding me? 209 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:19,607 What? 210 00:12:19,680 --> 00:12:20,886 What do you mean, "What?" After hours? 211 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,803 Jesus, Johnny, she totally wants to sleep with you. 212 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:24,561 I'm not into it. 213 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:26,489 John, you've been saying that for over a year-and-a-half 214 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:28,449 about every chick that throws herself at you. 215 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,891 You got to get back in the game, man! 216 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,200 No, don't start this shit, all right? 217 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,805 Look, I wasted six years of my life 218 00:12:32,880 --> 00:12:34,291 with the wrong girl and I got burned. 219 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,124 I'm not gonna make that same mistake again. 220 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,169 Jesus, Johnny, you don't got to marry Allison. 221 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,447 You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little. 222 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:41,726 What? 223 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,850 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover. 224 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,570 Yeah, I got to take a leak. 225 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:48,921 (EXHALES) 226 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,604 Sorry, Allison. I tried. 227 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,082 (SIGHS) it's okay. I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute. 228 00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:55,969 Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's 229 00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,690 with just a splash of Grey Goose? 230 00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,964 Wish I could help you, but we're closing. 231 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:02,008 Oh, come on. I've been coming here since the '90s! 232 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,885 ALLISON: Sorry, buddy. No can do. 233 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,362 Come on, one drink and I promise I won't tell anybody 234 00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,960 that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. 235 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,566 JOHN: Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off of me! 236 00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,449 Sorry, my mistake. 237 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,370 (STRAINING) There we go. Thanks a lot, come again. 238 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,326 Hey. 239 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:32,527 Hello. 240 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,725 I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. 241 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,242 Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix. 242 00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:40,561 That's right. 243 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:44,765 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. 244 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,081 Is that correct? 245 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,167 I... I mean, they say, uh, "Trix are for kids" in the commercials. 246 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:51,730 Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 247 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,242 And is that enforced by law? 248 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,882 Uh, not to my knowledge, no. 249 00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,366 So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? 250 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,848 No. No, you... You should be fine. 251 00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:07,245 You do understand that I myself am not a child? 252 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,841 Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah. 253 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:14,047 Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment. 254 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,448 Uh,yeah,yeah. You'll___ You'll be okay. 255 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,445 And, uh, I won't be followed? 256 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:23,083 Uh, no, that's... That's not in our budget here. 257 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:27,521 Hey. 258 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,400 I won't forget what you've done for me here today. 259 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:32,369 I would prefer that you do. 260 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:39,724 Jesus Christ. 261 00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:49,641 (slGHs) 262 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,970 You two still not talking? 263 00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,167 No. 264 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:55,408 Honest to God, Joy, I don't know how to fix this. 265 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,561 I mean, how the hell do you take 266 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,404 a broken marriage and make it work again? 267 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,803 Well, I'll tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby. 268 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,001 A baby? 269 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,009 Uh-huh. Look at that. 270 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,565 You see them two white niggas over there? 271 00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:08,642 (INDISTINCT) Yeah. What? 272 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,444 Look at them. They're so happy. 273 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:13,251 Because they got that little baby keeping them together. 274 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,925 If they didn't have that baby, 275 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,082 they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas 276 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:18,844 waiting for Downtown Abbey to come on. 277 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:21,606 Why, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase? 278 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:22,761 I'm telling you, Ted, 279 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:26,003 y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over. Trust. 280 00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:31,209 (PRICING GUN cl_lcl 00:15:37,842 Uh, hey. 282 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,931 Go away, Teddy. 283 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,202 Tami, listen, I just wanna talk to you. Okay? 284 00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:43,770 Will you just listen to me for one second? 285 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,609 Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes? 286 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,684 No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry. 287 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:50,649 I was an asshole and I didn't mean it. 288 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,126 You know, whatever, Teddy. 289 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,885 Tami, (SIGHS) listen. I love you. 290 00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,806 Okay? And... And I don'twant us 291 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,042 to fight like we've been doing the past few months. 292 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,885 I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change, you know? 293 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,561 Because I can't do this no more. it's too much. 294 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:08,365 I know, I know, I know. And... And that's why... 295 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,569 I wanna have a baby. 296 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,247 You do? 297 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,481 Yeah. 298 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,881 A baby? Like really? 299 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,081 Yeah. 300 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,401 See, I think, if we got a kid to love, 301 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,687 it'll teach us how to love each other again. 302 00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,729 Oh, my God, Teddy. 303 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,850 You better not be messing with me. 304 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,331 I swear to God, not messing with you. 305 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,004 I think you'd make an awesome mom. 306 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,570 Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? 307 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,768 I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'! (CHUCKLES) 308 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,160 So what do you say? We all good? 309 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:37,765 Yes! Oh, I love you! 310 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:38,921 I love you so much! 311 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,923 Oh, baby, I love you, too! (SMOOCHES) 312 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,410 Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby! 313 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:45,085 (EXCLAIMS) (KlssEs) 314 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,445 (DISTANT MOANING) 315 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,922 (MOANING INTENSIFIES) 316 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:04,441 TED: Let me know when you're ready to go 317 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,045 and I'll stick a bottle of Newman's Own in you. 318 00:17:06,120 --> 00:17:08,248 (TAMI-LYNN MOANS) All the profits go to charity. 319 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,524 You had sexual intercourse 320 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:13,284 on a pile of raw hamburger meat 321 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,044 that we're supposed to sell to the public 322 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,441 for their Fourth of July barbecues. 323 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,449 I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. 324 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,285 Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it. 325 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:24,805 That took guts. 326 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,646 We need guts. 327 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:29,809 I'm naming the store after you. 328 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:36,606 (FLICKING LIGHTER) 329 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,289 Okay, you ready? Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 330 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,890 Here it comes. Okay, okay. I'm ready. 331 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,323 (JOHN HUMMING) TED: (SINGING) Let's all go to court 332 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:50,089 Let's go make some law now 333 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,163 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 334 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,322 Some law now 335 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:55,481 I say we go to court! 336 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,766 JOHN: Yes, let's go to court! 337 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,490 TED: We're a bunch of assholes who take up 338 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,608 a whole hallway with our conversation. 339 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,162 (SINGING) Hey, you lawyer guys 340 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,330 You don't know me and Johnny are watching you 341 00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,681 While we 're high 342 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,244 That was fucking magic. 343 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,522 That felt smooth. That felt really smooth. Oh! 344 00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:16,806 So in the pocket. 345 00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,362 Hey, so, uh, listen, I got, uh... 346 00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:21,124 I got some big news to tell ya. 347 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,521 Oh, yeah? What's that? 348 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,048 Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby! 349 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:29,689 Holy Shit! YOU? 350 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,364 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today. 351 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,044 Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations! 352 00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,121 Thank you! 353 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,043 Wait, wait, wait. How... How... How do you guys... 354 00:18:36,120 --> 00:18:39,886 Well, yeah, that's the thing. We... We, uh... We got to find a sperm donor. 355 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,043 And, um, I'm wondering, what do you think 356 00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:44,963 Sam Jones would say if I asked him? 357 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,362 You want Flash Gordon to father your child? 358 00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:48,811 Yeah, I mean, do you think... 359 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:50,564 Would that be weird? Would he be freaked out if I... 360 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:51,801 No, I think he'd be flattered! 361 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,565 And plus, your baby will be a fucking superhero! 362 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,642 Well, that was the logic I arrived at as well. 363 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:57,881 Yeah, I say do it! 364 00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,729 All right. I'll shoot him an e-mail right now, 365 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,165 and see if I can stop by tonight. 366 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,560 You come with me? Sure. 367 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:03,801 All right, great. 368 00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:07,161 Shit. 369 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,164 I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop? 370 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,163 Yeah, go ahead. Okay, thanks. 371 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,001 (SHOUTS) What the fuck? 372 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,401 Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? What happened? 373 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:21,561 What's going on? 374 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,523 There's so much porn! 375 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,609 Well, what the hell are you doing looking at my private shit? 376 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,411 What are you talking about, "private snit"? Johnny, it was wide open! 377 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:30,329 There are literally thousands of files here! 378 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,164 Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that out. 379 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,442 Jesus Christ. Look at the organization here! 380 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,285 Clockwise rim job. Counterclockwise rim job! 381 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,761 Yeah, well, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way! 382 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,764 You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks? 383 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,607 Oh, my God! (SOBS) I have a disease, all right? I need help! 384 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,240 There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits! 385 00:19:49,360 --> 00:19:50,600 Oh, this is such a relief! 386 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,961 I'm so glad I'm finally caught. I wanted to be caught! 387 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,691 Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? 388 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,888 You got to get back out there and meet somebody 389 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,803 because you are spiraling out of control here. 390 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,360 All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please! 391 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:03,601 Johnny, I mean it. All right? 392 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,649 The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game. 393 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:06,961 Fine, I got it. Done. 394 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,809 All right. Now, let's get rid of this. 395 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,809 What do you mean? We'll just delete the files! 396 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,490 No,no,no. That shit can always be recovered. 397 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,602 We got to smash your laptop with a hammer. 398 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,246 All right, there, you happy? 399 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:24,800 No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. 400 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,166 We got to bury it in the harbor. 401 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,242 Okay. We'll come back once every three months, 402 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:46,845 take a dive and check on it. 403 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,522 TED: So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor. 404 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,007 So what do ya say? 405 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:54,770 You'd really be helping me and Tami out. 406 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:56,525 No can do, my brother. 407 00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,211 Well... Well, why not? 408 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,722 Oh, look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s 409 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,247 and my sperm count's a little low. 410 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:05,761 Oh. How low? 411 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,401 One. 412 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,481 One? 413 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:12,406 Yeah, little fella's having his own I Am Legend in my nut sack. 414 00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,090 Oh. Can we have that one? 415 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,642 No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. 416 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:19,928 Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here? I got to go. 417 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:23,369 That Sister, Sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself. 418 00:21:24,080 --> 00:21:26,481 TED: Can't believe it. That son of a bitch! 419 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:27,891 That was really selfish of him. 420 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,325 I know. And after I watched his 421 00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,164 piece-of-shit movie, like, a hundred times. 422 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:32,801 God damn it! 423 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:33,967 (ALARM BLARING) 424 00:21:34,040 --> 00:21:35,041 Ah! Oh, Shit! 425 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,922 Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay? 426 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,604 He's the only guy in the world whose sperm 427 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:45,920 is even close to Flash Gordon's_ 428 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,207 Ted, it's insane. We could get in a lot of trouble. 429 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:49,725 But not if nobody finds out. 430 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,847 Look, look, John, John. 431 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,287 We sneak into his house, jerk him off in his sleep 432 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:55,010 and sneak out with the sperm. it'll be easy! 433 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,249 And think how awesome the baby will be. 434 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,802 Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby. 435 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,646 All right, I'll help you. But we got to have a game plan. 436 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:12,965 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 437 00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,284 (slGHING) 438 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,325 (SOFTLY) Just calm down. 439 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,521 Yeah, can I help you? 440 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,728 Hey! Um, are you, uh, Tom Brady? 441 00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,121 Yeah. 442 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:27,406 JOHN: Um, hey. Um... 443 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:28,607 Your neighbors called, 444 00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:30,205 and your air conditioner's making aloud noise 445 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:31,884 so I'm supposed to check out the unit. 446 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:33,405 Uh, okay. Yeah, it's around back. 447 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,847 Okay. Um, I just may need a signature in case 448 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,524 I got to get some parts, for the billing. 449 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,647 You could just, uh, write that to John and Ted. Put number 12. 450 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,090 And you're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect. 451 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,003 It's around back. All right. Yeah. 452 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:00,726 (CRACKUNG) 453 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,204 Stupid idiot. 454 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:20,251 TED: Okay. Go, go, go! 455 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:38,643 Take the damn raincoat off. it's making too much noise. 456 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,882 Piss off! I don't wanna get anyjizz on me! 457 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,129 Two League IVIVPs, four Super Bowl rings, 458 00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:57,931 guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer. 459 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:00,765 Now let's give him a handjob into this red Solo cup. 460 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:02,370 (WHISPERS) All right. Go ahead. 461 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,329 Wait, what do you mean, "Go ahead"? You got to do it. 462 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,163 What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm. 463 00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,605 Yeah, but it's got to be a human hand. 464 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,489 It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work. 465 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:11,971 No, it doesn't_ It's just friction. 466 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:13,844 Look, I've never done this before. Neither have I. 467 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:15,763 You do it to yourself. Yeah, but that's different. 468 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:18,451 You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. 469 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:19,686 You're telling me you don't want this? 470 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,840 Yeah, I want it! You know I want it, but I'm nervous. 471 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,048 What if he doesn't like the way I'm doing it? He deserves the best! 472 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,246 Pull yourself together, for God's sakes_ 473 00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:27,600 He's gonna love it. Go, go, go! 474 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:29,920 Au right. 475 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:33,525 (GASPS) 476 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,648 Sweet God and baby Jesus. 477 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:36,721 (BREATHES SHAKILY) 478 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,768 And that's at rest. 479 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:40,766 (SHOUTS) what the hell? 480 00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:42,285 Mr. Brady, we just need a moment of your time. 481 00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:43,771 What are you doing here? Who are you? 482 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:44,841 Get out of my house! 483 00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:46,320 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 484 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:47,886 TED: Oh, God! Ahhh! 485 00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:50,607 (STUTTERS) Wait, Mr. Brady! 486 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,523 Take your goddamn teddy bear with you! 487 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,210 (TED YELLS) 488 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,521 Holy shit! Perfect spiral! 489 00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,085 Come on, let's get out of here! 490 00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,127 Shit! 491 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,645 What the hell do we do now? 492 00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:10,960 (PANTING) 493 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,091 Hey, Ted, let me ask you something. 494 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:14,486 What's that? 495 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,371 Why didn't you just come to me? 496 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,126 What are you talking about? 497 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,531 For the sperm. 498 00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:24,607 Oh. Johnny, you kidding me, man? You were the first person I wanted to go to. 499 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:26,730 But you've just been so bummed out 500 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:27,961 over your divorce lately 501 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,562 that I just... You know, I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. 502 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:33,251 And plus, after seeing your laptop, 503 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:34,845 I didn't think you had any left. 504 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,686 Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it. 505 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,562 Really? You'd... You'd do that for me? 506 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,087 Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. 507 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:48,322 Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off... 508 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,044 You're ready to be a parent. 509 00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:52,244 God... (CHUCKLES) 510 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,124 I don't know what to say. 511 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:57,489 Johnny, thank you! Thank you so much! 512 00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,445 Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember? 513 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,643 Thunder buddies for life. 514 00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:05,531 Come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up. 515 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,524 MALE OFFICER: All units, we have a 3-17 on Maple Drive. Area units, please respond. 516 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,450 What's a 3-17? 517 00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,490 Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again. 518 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,161 Really? 519 00:26:16,480 --> 00:26:18,005 Welcome to Boston, kid. 520 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:21,923 (SIREN BLARING) (TIREs SCREECH) 521 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:33,085 What is that? What? 522 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,764 What are you doing? I'm getting ready, dude. 523 00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:35,921 What do you mean you're getting ready? 524 00:26:36,000 --> 00:26:37,161 What are you doing to your hand? 525 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,846 I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready. I got to go in and perform. 526 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,524 You got your hand on your dick. What are you doing? 527 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:42,840 I'm trying to get it half hard, 528 00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,450 so when I get in there I could just bust it out. 529 00:26:44,520 --> 00:26:46,284 Sitting out here in public, jerking off? 530 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,203 Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? What are you doing? 531 00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:49,520 What do you think I got to do in there? 532 00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:51,045 Forget it. Now, look, you haven't 533 00:26:51,120 --> 00:26:52,884 smoked pot for two whole days, right? 534 00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,531 Yes, I told you, I'm clean, all right? Your baby's gonna be fine. 535 00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:57,443 I'm sorry, I just don't want something 536 00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,966 I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16. 537 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,361 "John Bennett." 538 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:02,527 Hi. 539 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,291 Right this way. I'll show you where to deposit your specimen. 540 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,689 Hey, Johnny. Johnny. 541 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:12,165 (CHUCKLES) 542 00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,050 I'm John Bennett. 543 00:27:19,360 --> 00:27:21,249 (LAUGHS) I know, I just said your name. 544 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:23,891 Oh, right, yeah, sorry, I'm just a little nervous. 545 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,167 I've been out of the game for a while. 546 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,407 The game? 547 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,565 I don't talk to pretty girls that often. Pretty women, ladies. 548 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,326 I $66. 549 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:35,850 Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink? 550 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,482 (STAMMERS) Oh. I don't mean this. I meant, like, a regular drink. 551 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,210 I have a boyfriend. 552 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:46,402 Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy. 553 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:49,604 Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get 554 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,842 a lube or something? A magazine? 555 00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:53,605 Video? I like Asian teen stuff preferably. 556 00:27:53,720 --> 00:27:54,767 There's lube right there. 557 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,604 All right, yeah, thanks. 558 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:04,764 Uh, excuse me. Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom? 559 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,285 Down that hallway, to the left. 560 00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:07,771 Okay, thanks. 561 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,611 Oh. No way! (CHUCKLES) 562 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:20,282 Oh, hey, Doc, is this where you guys store all the, uh, stuff? 563 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:24,124 It's the intermediary station before insemination. 564 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:25,366 Are you submitting? 565 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:28,649 No. My friend is, uh, yanking outa sample in one of the rooms. 566 00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:30,566 Oh, well, that's a good friend. Yeah. 567 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,641 I'm Dr. Danzer. 568 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:32,807 Oh, cool. (CHUCKLES) 569 00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:36,641 (SINGING) Hold me closer, Dr. Danzer 570 00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:37,801 Yeah, whatever, I don't know. 571 00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:41,646 Now, wait. You look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came alive? 572 00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:43,131 I am. That's me, yeah. 573 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:44,241 See, I was trying to figure out 574 00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:45,651 where I'd seen you before and that's it. 575 00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:46,807 Good eye, good eye. 576 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,327 So, how did you get into this line of work? Do you just love cum? 577 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:51,801 Uh, uh... 578 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,082 Not especially, but I love helping good people 579 00:28:54,160 --> 00:28:55,924 fulfill their dreams of having children. 580 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:58,162 It's amazing what we can do here. 581 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,284 You want to have a look? 582 00:29:00,440 --> 00:29:01,930 Yeah, sure. 583 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,406 This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. 584 00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:09,482 We can eliminate hereditary diseases, 585 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,763 such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia. 586 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:14,524 The list goes on and on, really. 587 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:15,687 Wow. 588 00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:17,844 Hey, Johnny! You did it! 589 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:18,921 Right here, buddy. 590 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,764 Ew. I mean, awesome! (CHUCKLES) 591 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:23,089 Excuse me, Doctor, your wife's on the phone. 592 00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,525 She said it's an emergency. 593 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:26,689 Excuse me, I'll be right back. 594 00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,647 You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid? 595 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:32,131 I can see it from here, thanks,yeah_ 596 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:33,531 Dude, take a closer look. It's your kid. 597 00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:34,601 No,no,no! Come on! 598 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,523 You got to take a closer look. That's close enough, Johnny! 599 00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,443 He's beautiful. Come on! I'll trade you. Catch. 600 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,204 Oh, shit! Oh, God! 601 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:42,044 Fuck! Dude, that's somebody's kid! 602 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:44,521 Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it! 603 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:45,601 We got to find something to scoop it up. 604 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:47,290 There's containers over there. Scoop it up with that. 605 00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,725 Shit. All right. 606 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,201 TED: No, no, that's not gonna work. 607 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:52,049 You need two of them. You got to scoop one into the other. 608 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:54,050 Oh, Shit! Fuck! 609 00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:56,566 TED: Oh! Oh, fuck! 610 00:29:56,640 --> 00:29:57,641 Oh, my God! 611 00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:58,801 Fuck!Fuck! 612 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:01,042 Oh, my God! it's in my eyes! 613 00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:02,121 I'm blinking it in! 614 00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:03,486 (GAGGING) You got to fucking help me! 615 00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,130 Oh, my God! it's in my fucking mouth! 616 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:06,969 Hang on. I got to post this on Facebook. 617 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:08,246 No! (CAMERA CLICKS) 618 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,006 Hashtag "Grr, Mondays." 619 00:30:11,200 --> 00:30:13,089 (GASPS) Oh, my God! 620 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:15,083 Look, I'm so sorry! We swear to God, it was an accident. 621 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:16,241 We're so sorry. 622 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,087 Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples. 623 00:30:20,240 --> 00:30:21,651 Ah, you hear that, Johnny? 624 00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,643 You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm. 625 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,085 You look like a Kardashian_ 626 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:26,526 Fuck! 627 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:41,008 No, make sure you have all the updated 628 00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:42,684 information on our Comic Con placement. 629 00:30:42,760 --> 00:30:46,082 This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout at the convention. 630 00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:47,281 Morning, Mr. Jessup. 631 00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:49,525 Good morning. Now... 632 00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,090 My name's Donny. 633 00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,521 (SIGHS) Hi, Donny. Hi. 634 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:55,284 Now this is a multi-platform release, 635 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:56,521 so I want a full report on all... 636 00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:57,840 Fresh cakes. 637 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:00,967 What? 638 00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:02,451 In the urinals, sir. 639 00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:05,042 I noticed you always use urinal four, 640 00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:06,884 so I put fresh cakes in there for you. 641 00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,964 You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee. 642 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:13,604 See, most people flip the cakes. 643 00:31:14,120 --> 00:31:15,804 I replace the cakes. 644 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,802 That's the Donny difference. 645 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:23,884 I need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise. 646 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,122 Contact Bob Jennings atJavHsH_ 647 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:55,007 Hi, Ted. 648 00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:57,765 I've missed you. 649 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:00,846 TED TOY VOICE: I love you! 650 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:03,489 (SINGSONGY) I love you too. 651 00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,162 I love you too! 652 00:32:08,320 --> 00:32:09,367 (CHUCKLES) 653 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,365 Pretty soon, 654 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,283 you'll be saying that for real. 655 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,127 (WHISPERING) Pretty soon, pretty soon, pretty soon. 656 00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,202 This is gonna work. This is gonna work. This is gonna work. 657 00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:22,527 Okay. 658 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:24,211 (sHusHING) 659 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:29,047 Okay. 660 00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:31,041 Okay. 661 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:36,003 (vvHIRRING) 662 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,283 No,no,no,no,no! No,no,no,no,no! 663 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:42,887 Oh, Shit! 664 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,326 Soon, my love. 665 00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:53,047 Soon. 666 00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:57,050 I'm afraid I have bad news. 667 00:32:57,480 --> 00:33:00,245 I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure. 668 00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,084 Wait, what? Why not? 669 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:06,245 Tami-Lynn, according to your test results, you're no longer fertile. 670 00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:07,401 What? 671 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,409 Wait, Doc, are you sure about that? 672 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,688 I mean, maybe you should check again or something, you know? 673 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:13,081 I'm quite sure. 674 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:16,323 Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use 675 00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:20,368 your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. 676 00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,244 What are you talking about? It looks fine. Yeah. 677 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:25,767 Forgive me, that's a normal ovary. 678 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,410 This is Tami-Lyon's. 679 00:33:27,560 --> 00:33:28,721 TED: Jesus! 680 00:33:28,840 --> 00:33:31,081 Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. 681 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,288 You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right? 682 00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:35,841 No,notonce,noteveL 683 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:39,243 When I saw this, I threw up. Almost quit medicine. 684 00:33:39,440 --> 00:33:42,250 Bottom line is, insemination is not possible. 685 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,889 (SOBS) I don't understand, okay? None of this makes any sense. 686 00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:47,968 It's okay. It's okay, honey. Come on, let's just go. 687 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:49,451 No, what does this mean, Teddy? 688 00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:50,681 Does it mean we can't have a baby? 689 00:33:50,760 --> 00:33:52,285 I don't know. But it's gonna be okay. 690 00:33:52,400 --> 00:33:53,925 Everything's gonna be okay. 691 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:55,286 It really isn't. 692 00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,206 Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this. 693 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:11,361 I know, me too. 694 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:13,130 I mean, adoption's great, right? 695 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:14,281 Oh, yeah, I mean, 696 00:34:14,360 --> 00:34:15,850 Steve Jobs was adopted. 697 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,730 Yeah! Yeah, and also a million kids who did nothing. 698 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:21,200 You know, Teddy, 699 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:25,328 this has been nice, you and me doing this together. 700 00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,767 I mean, it's like we have a common goal or something, right? 701 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,684 Yeah, I love hearing you saythaL'causelfeel exactly the same way. 702 00:34:30,760 --> 00:34:32,489 And we ain't fought in, like, a week. 703 00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:33,971 I know, we haven't! it's... 704 00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,327 Hey, you know what? If the baby works out, we should get a dog. 705 00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:38,563 Oh, my God. A German shepherd. 706 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:40,409 A German shepherd and a baby, together. 707 00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:41,720 It's like the perfect family. 708 00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:43,211 And a gun, to protect us all! 709 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,011 Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun. 710 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:47,764 I love our gun-dog-baby family. 711 00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:48,887 (EXCLAIMS) 712 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,881 Well, I have gone through your application 713 00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,167 and vetted your personal histories, 714 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:58,283 and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out. 715 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:00,441 What? 716 00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:01,681 Why not? 717 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,330 Well, first of all, there's the question 718 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,084 of Tami-Lyon's drug conviction. 719 00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:07,004 Hey, I did my community service. 720 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,686 Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She's clean. 721 00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:11,720 There's another issue, 722 00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:14,883 and, honestly, it's the more serious one. 723 00:35:14,960 --> 00:35:17,201 I was reluctant to bring it up because 724 00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:20,005 it's a little awkward. 725 00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:24,850 Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person. 726 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:27,644 Wait, what? 727 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,927 The state official I spoke to said 728 00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:34,129 that technically, you are classified as property. 729 00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:38,721 I'm not a person? 730 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:41,964 Not according to the government. I'm sorry. 731 00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,769 But that is so fucked up! 732 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:45,806 "Property"? 733 00:35:45,880 --> 00:35:47,882 You know what, Teddy? Let's get out of here. 734 00:35:48,160 --> 00:35:49,161 Come on. 735 00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:50,401 (slGHs) 736 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:51,921 Look. 737 00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:53,889 You seem like good people. 738 00:35:54,040 --> 00:35:55,280 Be careful. 739 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,442 What do you mean, "Be careful"? 740 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,488 The state official I spoke to 741 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,201 made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time. 742 00:36:03,760 --> 00:36:06,411 Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. 743 00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,765 If they choose to investigate the issue, 744 00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,491 it may leave you quite vulnerable. 745 00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,080 Hey. I just got off work and heard your message. 746 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:29,764 Is that for real? Did they actually tell you that? 747 00:36:29,840 --> 00:36:31,569 Yeah, it's unbelievable. "Property." 748 00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,364 They said I'm property. 749 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:35,523 What does that even mean? Like, you're a thing? 750 00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:37,443 What, like garbage or a piece of shit? 751 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,367 I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah. 752 00:36:41,440 --> 00:36:42,646 What the hell do they know? 753 00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:43,807 It's just a word. 754 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,247 They can't change your whole life just by calling you property! 755 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,244 Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors. 756 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:51,807 One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes 757 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:53,803 in the river, titties out. You good. 758 00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:55,689 Then all of a sudden, you somewhere 759 00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:57,683 across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson. 760 00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,121 Wow! You make history come alive. 761 00:37:00,360 --> 00:37:02,249 Why the hell is this just coming up now? 762 00:37:02,480 --> 00:37:04,482 I mean, I've never voted. 763 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,246 I don't have a driver's license, I don't pay taxes. 764 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,368 I mean, hell, this is the firstjob I ever had. 765 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,320 Ted, can I see you for a moment? 766 00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:16,001 I'm sorry, 767 00:37:16,080 --> 00:37:17,605 but I'm gonna have to let you go. 768 00:37:17,800 --> 00:37:21,486 What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job for three years! 769 00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:24,001 I just got a call from the Labor Department. 770 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,968 I can't legally keep you on as an employee 771 00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:29,247 because I've been informed that you're technically... 772 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,563 Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ! 773 00:37:33,080 --> 00:37:36,880 I'm sorry. But as of today, you're fired. 774 00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:39,125 (slGHs) 775 00:37:40,320 --> 00:37:42,368 "Dear Ted, your Chase bank account 776 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:44,568 "has been terminated clue to a lack of citizenship." 777 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,531 "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." 778 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,524 "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." 779 00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:52,051 Fuck, that's a big one. 780 00:37:52,200 --> 00:37:54,168 This poor baby bootie_ 781 00:37:54,680 --> 00:37:58,685 It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here. 782 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,123 I don't understand. We would have made such great parents. 783 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:03,201 UNHALES) 784 00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,486 Oh, my God. 785 00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,291 Oh, my God, Teddy! 786 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:07,327 (STUTTERS) What? What's wrong? 787 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:08,731 Look at this. 788 00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,086 (SOBBING) "Dear Ted, 789 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,045 "the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you 790 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:16,169 "that due to an oversight regarding your legal status 791 00:38:16,720 --> 00:38:21,248 "your marriage to Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty is unrecognized by the state 792 00:38:21,360 --> 00:38:24,284 "and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." 793 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:26,449 Teddy, can they do this to us? 794 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:27,567 Let me see that. 795 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,084 This is a nightmare. 796 00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,571 You fucking believe that? 797 00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:39,722 No. This is insane. 798 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,684 I mean, Tami's the woman I love. 799 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,048 You know, I never would even have tried to adopt a dog 800 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,327 if I had known it was gonna cause me this kind of shit storm. 801 00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,164 This whole thing is complete bullshit. 802 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,282 I mean, if you ask me, we got to fight it. 803 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,808 What do you mean? I mean, we get a lawyer. 804 00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,691 Oh, my God. Can we do that? 805 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:56,131 Hell yeah! You know what we do? 806 00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:57,406 We'll get a lawyer and we'll sue 807 00:38:57,520 --> 00:38:59,090 the fucking government for your civil rights! 808 00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,043 Johnny, that's a great idea! 809 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,362 Hey, hey! Maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers 810 00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,841 who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded and nice and goes, 811 00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,001 "What we're doing is wrong." 812 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,242 Yes. You know what, we get out there and we stick it to them good. 813 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:11,368 We take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to. 814 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:12,487 Yeah. 815 00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,131 But we don't know any lawyers. All our friends make sandwiches. 816 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,607 Oh, we just Google "Boston lawyers. " Ah. 817 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:21,242 Jesus. Look at that black cock. 818 00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:42,486 Uh... 819 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:46,083 This is a very complicated case you have here. 820 00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:50,722 Most civil rights cases are, but this one has some very obvious wrinkles. 821 00:39:51,000 --> 00:39:53,002 Well, everybody says you're the best in town. 822 00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:56,807 Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. 823 00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:59,008 What is your financial situation? 824 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:02,250 Uh, all of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. 825 00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:04,721 Yeah, Reading Railroad, B&O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad. 826 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,963 We're working on Short Line. Um, I own Atlantic Avenue and Marvin Gardens. 827 00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:09,530 And I own four houses on Baltic Ave. 828 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:11,602 I was thinking about just tearing them down and building a hotel. 829 00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:14,405 I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there. 830 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:16,403 Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff? 831 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,085 Tell you what, I'm gonna go drive around the block, 832 00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,571 and I'll be back with $200. 833 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:21,682 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 834 00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,922 My niece recently passed her bar exam 835 00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:27,129 and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm. 836 00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:29,607 I could assign her to your case, pro bono. 837 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:31,529 And then you would get a hungry, young attorney 838 00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:34,843 and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. 839 00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:36,400 So what do you say to that? 840 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,688 Yeah, sure, sounds great. 841 00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,487 Um, are those hard candies, like, just to take? 842 00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,289 Uh, those aren't supposed to be out. 843 00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:56,041 Hello? 844 00:40:56,200 --> 00:40:58,282 (BANGING) om Fuck! 845 00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:00,041 Hi. 846 00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,121 You okay? 847 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:02,804 Yeah! I'm fine. 848 00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,120 You must be Ted. 849 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,123 Yeah. Uh, I'm Ted, 850 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,645 this is my buddy, John. Hi. 851 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:11,202 Um, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients. 852 00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:14,530 Uh, it's been discussed, 853 00:41:15,000 --> 00:41:16,684 but do you mind if I ask how old you are? 854 00:41:16,840 --> 00:41:18,365 I'm 26. 855 00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:19,561 Ah. 856 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:21,290 What, is there a problem? 857 00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:23,328 Well, you know, I just don't want my lawyer singing 858 00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:25,164 Frozen songs during the opening arguments. 859 00:41:25,240 --> 00:41:27,004 It's just this is a really important case. 860 00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:29,447 Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled. 861 00:41:29,520 --> 00:41:31,807 I know. My uncle gave me all the details. 862 00:41:31,960 --> 00:41:34,088 Right. You see, the thing is, we don't want to take any chances 863 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:36,128 because the stakes are so significant. 864 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:37,401 We can't just rush into anything. 865 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:38,925 We got to make sure we're making the right decision. 866 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:40,331 TED: We really appreciate your time, 867 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:41,640 but I think what we're probably gonna do is 868 00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:43,245 just take a seat and get to work. 869 00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:44,321 Trust you completely. 870 00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:45,811 Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer. 871 00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:49,201 Sorry. 872 00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:50,441 You don't mind the pot, do you? 873 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:51,647 I get migraines. 874 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,165 Oh, absolutely, me, too. That's fine. 875 00:41:53,280 --> 00:41:55,886 I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes. 876 00:41:56,040 --> 00:41:57,804 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson. 877 00:41:57,960 --> 00:41:59,485 Ted. How are ya? 878 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:01,369 Good to meet you. John. Nice to meet you. 879 00:42:01,440 --> 00:42:02,965 Wait, wait, wait. What's your middle name? 880 00:42:03,560 --> 00:42:04,561 Leslie. 881 00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,849 Oh, my God! So you're Sam L. Jackson! (LAUGHS) 882 00:42:07,960 --> 00:42:09,803 That's fucking great! Just like Sam L. Jackson! 883 00:42:09,960 --> 00:42:11,007 Who is that? 884 00:42:11,120 --> 00:42:14,124 You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy. 885 00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:16,290 (lNHALING) 886 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:18,405 That weed is really good. 887 00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:19,891 It reminds me of the strain I smoked 888 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:21,530 last summer called "Here Comes Autism." 889 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,201 Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called 890 00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,930 "How Long Has That Van Been There?" 891 00:42:26,240 --> 00:42:29,528 No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home_" 892 00:42:29,640 --> 00:42:31,768 You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high. 893 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,205 I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting 894 00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:34,765 the War on Drugs and all that shit? 895 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:36,968 Please, the War on Drugs is a joke. 896 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:38,411 It's just a way for the government 897 00:42:38,480 --> 00:42:39,891 to inflate law enforcement budgets 898 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,611 and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. 899 00:42:42,680 --> 00:42:45,286 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority. 900 00:42:45,440 --> 00:42:47,044 Yeah. No shit. 901 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:49,327 They've denied you the same rights as everybody else 902 00:42:49,400 --> 00:42:50,686 just because you're different, 903 00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:53,411 and I say that's a violation of the Constitution. 904 00:42:53,880 --> 00:42:56,008 So what do you say? Can you get me my life back? 905 00:42:56,080 --> 00:42:57,411 (l3ul3l3LING) 906 00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:01,131 I'm gonna try. 907 00:43:01,440 --> 00:43:02,930 JOHN: Hey, guys? 908 00:43:03,000 --> 00:43:05,082 (BREATHING HEAVILY) I'm having some trouble over here. 909 00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:06,361 What's the matter? 910 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,211 Can you help me get home? 911 00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:12,248 (SOBBING) I'm having a really hard time here, guys. 912 00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:13,964 TED: Johnny, it's okay, buddy. It's okay. 913 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:15,201 You're doing fine. You're doing great. 914 00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:16,287 No, I'm scared. All right. 915 00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:18,249 I know. Come on, it's okay, though. 916 00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:19,845 You just have to hang onto the wall. 917 00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:21,201 (HORN HONKS) (SCREAMS) 918 00:43:21,280 --> 00:43:22,691 Don't let the goose get me! 919 00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:24,531 How far away does he live? 920 00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,206 Uh, about a mile-and-a-half. 921 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:27,447 Fuck, okay. 922 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:30,410 Hey, it's okay. One foot in front of the other. 923 00:43:30,640 --> 00:43:32,529 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 924 00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:43,408 All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson 925 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:45,289 and Brown v. the Board of Education. 926 00:43:45,360 --> 00:43:49,729 I got Kramer vs- Kramer, Alien vs- Predator, and Freddy vs- Jason- 927 00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,088 I got, uh, Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail 928 00:43:53,160 --> 00:43:56,448 and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing. 929 00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,843 Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready? 930 00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:21,001 Yep, bring it on. 931 00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:22,730 You're on the stand, the DA says, 932 00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:24,962 "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" 933 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:26,166 Objection! Sustained! 934 00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:27,241 No, the witness can't object. 935 00:44:27,320 --> 00:44:28,321 Overruledl Sidebar? 936 00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:29,367 Guilty! Speculation! 937 00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:30,965 Hearsay! Briefcase! Bailiff l Disregard! 938 00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:32,565 In my chambers! Stop beavering the witness! 939 00:44:32,680 --> 00:44:33,966 I rest. We could totally be lawyers. 940 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,041 Bang. 941 00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:05,931 (lNAuDIBLE) 942 00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,766 Oh, my God! I'm gonna fall off the building. 943 00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:10,522 Your name is Toby! 944 00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:12,523 You're going to learn to say your name. 945 00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,250 Let me hear you say it. 946 00:46:15,080 --> 00:46:16,366 What's your name? 947 00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,211 (BREATHING SHAKILY) Kunta_ Kunta Kinte_ 948 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:23,883 That's just like me. That's exactly what I'm going through. 949 00:46:23,960 --> 00:46:25,371 Well, it's a little different. 950 00:46:25,720 --> 00:46:29,406 You know, Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a last name. 951 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:32,884 Oh, yeah, you're right. Okay, okay, I got one. 952 00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:34,127 Okay, what is it? 953 00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:35,884 Last name of a movie character. 954 00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:37,610 BOTH: Ah! 955 00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:40,729 He knows where this is going. Okay. 956 00:46:40,880 --> 00:46:42,166 All right, you ready? Yep. 957 00:46:42,320 --> 00:46:44,402 Go! Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, 958 00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:46,687 Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stifler, Bickle, Gump, 959 00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:48,649 Corleone, Wonka, Zhivago, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, 960 00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:50,404 Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golightly, Higgins, Dolittle, 961 00:46:50,480 --> 00:46:52,209 Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Lightyear, Soze, 962 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:53,566 O'Hara, Butler, Dufresne, Clouseau, McFly, 963 00:46:53,640 --> 00:46:55,085 Baggins, Plissken, Ventura, Montoya, Burgundy, 964 00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:56,571 Scissorhands, Drebin, Striker, Bueller, Lector, 965 00:46:56,640 --> 00:46:58,244 Potter, Weasley, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, 966 00:46:58,320 --> 00:46:59,560 Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy... 967 00:46:59,640 --> 00:47:01,802 Clubber Lang. (LAUGHS) Fucking... 968 00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:03,366 Who is Clubber Lang? 969 00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:04,567 Who's Clubber Lang? 970 00:47:04,640 --> 00:47:06,768 Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello? 971 00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:09,083 Is that the boxing movies? 972 00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:10,241 (SHOUTS) The boxing... 973 00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,049 You've never seen Rocky? She's not serious. 974 00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:13,201 You've never seen Rocky? 975 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,327 You know... 976 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:16,448 (IMITATING ROCKY SOUNDTRACK) 977 00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:18,847 You know, Rocky! 978 00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:20,888 I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen 979 00:47:20,960 --> 00:47:22,724 just because you're singing a song I don't know. 980 00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:25,371 You don't know Samuel L. Jackson, you don't know Rocky. 981 00:47:25,440 --> 00:47:27,408 You are literally pop culture illiterate. 982 00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:28,720 I have a college degree. 983 00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:31,371 My pop culture references are Hamlet, Achilles and Dorian Gray. 984 00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:34,922 Ever heard of any of them? No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass! 985 00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:37,082 Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated. 986 00:47:37,160 --> 00:47:41,370 Oh, really? Um, can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby? 987 00:47:42,000 --> 00:47:43,161 Judy Blume? Hitler? 988 00:47:43,240 --> 00:47:44,446 F. Scott Fitzgerald. 989 00:47:44,520 --> 00:47:46,841 Who's that? The author. 990 00:47:46,920 --> 00:47:49,321 Why are you saying, "Fuck him"? What? 991 00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:50,970 You just said "Eff Scott Fitzgerald." 992 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,769 What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you? Yeah. 993 00:47:52,840 --> 00:47:54,490 No, that's his first name. 994 00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:56,409 His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"? 995 00:47:56,480 --> 00:47:58,960 What? No. Well, then, whats the "F" stand for? 996 00:47:59,040 --> 00:48:00,041 Francis. 997 00:48:00,160 --> 00:48:01,650 No. It's got to be "Fuck_" It must be "Fuck_" 998 00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:03,165 It's got to be "Fuck_" It has to be "Fuck_" 999 00:48:03,240 --> 00:48:04,526 Why the hell would it be "Fuck"? 1000 00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:06,125 Well, because otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it? 1001 00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:07,565 Yeah, he's hiding something. it's "Fuck." 1002 00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:09,523 Come on, read between the lines, Sam. it's "Fuck_" 1003 00:48:09,600 --> 00:48:11,887 (LAUGHS) That's completely insane. You guys are idiots. 1004 00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:15,009 Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it. 1005 00:48:19,400 --> 00:48:20,526 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1006 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:21,647 Yes! 1007 00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:24,527 Sir? 1008 00:48:24,880 --> 00:48:27,724 Um, one of the janitors would like to see you. 1009 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:29,247 I'm busy. 1010 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,290 Fresh cakes! (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 1011 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:33,241 What is it, Danny? 1012 00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:34,771 Uh, Donny, sir. 1013 00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:38,367 Well, Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con presentation... 1014 00:48:38,440 --> 00:48:40,727 I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro 1015 00:48:40,800 --> 00:48:43,326 for new toy ideas from any and all employees? 1016 00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:46,129 Yeah, I suppose that's true. 1017 00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:48,686 All right, come in. 1018 00:48:48,840 --> 00:48:50,330 Okay. 1019 00:48:50,480 --> 00:48:53,051 Thank you. Thank you. I love your dress. 1020 00:48:57,000 --> 00:48:58,843 (GIGGLING) I love these things! 1021 00:48:59,800 --> 00:49:01,245 Look at this! 1022 00:49:02,040 --> 00:49:03,166 Oh! 1023 00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:07,521 Don't touch my pony. Sorry. 1024 00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:11,886 Mr. Jessup, 1025 00:49:12,080 --> 00:49:14,481 I can make this company a billion dollars. 1026 00:49:14,880 --> 00:49:16,041 I'm listening. 1027 00:49:17,160 --> 00:49:18,207 Thirty years ago, 1028 00:49:18,360 --> 00:49:20,681 a little boy named John Bennett made a wish 1029 00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,001 that his teddy bear would come to life. 1030 00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,447 Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears... 1031 00:49:25,520 --> 00:49:27,204 Yes, I'm aware of the story. 1032 00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:30,769 Have you seen this? 1033 00:49:31,320 --> 00:49:32,924 (slGHs) 1034 00:49:35,920 --> 00:49:37,001 So what? 1035 00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,289 Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. 1036 00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:43,330 If he loses, the state will officially declare him 1037 00:49:43,400 --> 00:49:46,051 a non-entity with no rights under the law. 1038 00:49:46,560 --> 00:49:48,688 That means he becomes property. 1039 00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,321 Mr. Jessup, 1040 00:49:51,360 --> 00:49:55,570 we could take him back, with only a trivial degree of legal consequence 1041 00:49:55,640 --> 00:49:57,210 if we were even caught. 1042 00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,004 And why would we do this? 1043 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:04,086 Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, 1044 00:50:04,240 --> 00:50:08,404 we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. 1045 00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:11,091 Hasbro would double its profits overnight. 1046 00:50:12,160 --> 00:50:13,207 Go on. 1047 00:50:13,320 --> 00:50:16,085 We just have to make sure Ted loses the case. 1048 00:50:16,320 --> 00:50:19,369 You use every back channel, every bribe, 1049 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,720 you call in every favor 1050 00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:25,124 and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. 1051 00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:28,649 When Ted's rights are officially null, 1052 00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:31,565 we grab him. 1053 00:50:33,000 --> 00:50:36,083 No one's going to kick up a legal fuss over property. 1054 00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:40,009 You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny. 1055 00:50:40,440 --> 00:50:41,646 Really? 1056 00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:44,121 Now, what exactly do you want from this? 1057 00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:47,605 Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money. 1058 00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:52,367 I just want a Ted for my very own. 1059 00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,649 All right. I think I can handle the defense. 1060 00:50:57,640 --> 00:50:59,244 But let's make one thing clear. 1061 00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:00,970 We never had this conversation. 1062 00:51:01,240 --> 00:51:04,642 Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. 1063 00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,565 Do you understand? 1064 00:51:06,640 --> 00:51:08,005 (WHISPERS) Yes, I do. 1065 00:51:08,560 --> 00:51:09,925 (EXHALES) 1066 00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:13,522 I need Shep Wild. 1067 00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:18,966 SAMANTHA: That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. 1068 00:51:19,080 --> 00:51:20,923 I've never had Pringles on my steak before. 1069 00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:22,161 Oh, it's my pleasure. 1070 00:51:22,240 --> 00:51:25,642 It's the least I can do with all you're doing for us. Really. 1071 00:51:25,720 --> 00:51:27,961 Oh, I haven't done anything yet. 1072 00:51:28,040 --> 00:51:29,769 Well, you know, we wanted to take you out to dinner, 1073 00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:33,845 but, uh, (SIGHS) all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody will hire me. 1074 00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:35,410 Things are getting really tight, huh? 1075 00:51:35,520 --> 00:51:37,887 Yeah, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. 1076 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:41,562 BJs here! Get your BJs! Get your red-hot BJs! 1077 00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:44,450 Toothless and ready to go. Just 3 dollar! 3 dollar! 1078 00:51:44,520 --> 00:51:45,851 Get your BJs here. 1079 00:51:46,280 --> 00:51:47,406 Wow. 1080 00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:48,720 Hey, listen, I got an idea. 1081 00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:51,371 Uh, Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes 1082 00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:54,011 and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, eh? 1083 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:56,527 (LAUGHS) All right, all right. 1084 00:51:56,840 --> 00:51:59,241 Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch! 1085 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:02,291 What do you think that was about? 1086 00:52:02,560 --> 00:52:04,642 Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying I should ask you out. 1087 00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:05,767 Ah. 1088 00:52:05,840 --> 00:52:06,921 Uh, yeah, look... 1089 00:52:07,000 --> 00:52:09,651 We should probably focus our attention on the case for now. 1090 00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:11,324 I completely agree. 1091 00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:16,490 You know, I am a little bit curious. How is it that a guy like you is unattached? 1092 00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:22,049 Well, I was married at one point, but it just didn't work out. 1093 00:52:22,240 --> 00:52:24,402 Shits. I'm sorry. That sucks. 1094 00:52:24,560 --> 00:52:28,042 No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day, 1095 00:52:28,480 --> 00:52:30,130 but she was always just trying to change me 1096 00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:31,406 into someone I'm not. 1097 00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,289 And I tried, you know? 1098 00:52:34,120 --> 00:52:37,567 I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. 1099 00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:41,641 One day I woke up and I just realized I wasn't myself anymore. 1100 00:52:42,480 --> 00:52:46,610 You know, as much as I love this person, we're completely wrong for each other. 1101 00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:49,527 At least you figured it out early. 1102 00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:51,325 Some people go through their whole lives 1103 00:52:51,400 --> 00:52:53,243 trying to make it work with the wrong person. 1104 00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:55,080 Yeah. 1105 00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:57,811 So, we're gonna win this thing? 1106 00:52:58,240 --> 00:53:00,129 Honestly, I don't know. 1107 00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:02,010 Oh, we're betting on you. 1108 00:53:02,800 --> 00:53:05,246 Hey, Johnny, come on. it's almost 7:00. We got to get up there. 1109 00:53:05,320 --> 00:53:06,606 Hey, Sam, you want in on this? 1110 00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:07,727 What is it? 1111 00:53:07,800 --> 00:53:10,804 On Tuesday nights, we get fucked up and throw apples atjoggers 1112 00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:16,047 Oh, there's one! 1113 00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:17,610 (ALL LAUGH) 1114 00:53:17,680 --> 00:53:19,091 TED: How's your workout? JOGGER: Fuck you! 1115 00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:21,049 Eat my pussy! Have some apples! 1116 00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:22,610 Jesus, what the hell is your problem? 1117 00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:25,327 It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker! 1118 00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:26,841 Bam! 1119 00:53:26,920 --> 00:53:29,082 You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your... (GRUNTS) 1120 00:53:29,640 --> 00:53:30,880 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 1121 00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:34,482 That's the lottery! That's the lottery! 1122 00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,166 That's what you get for fucking exercising! 1123 00:53:37,640 --> 00:53:39,404 That is unbelievable! 1124 00:54:13,840 --> 00:54:14,921 Teddy. 1125 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:17,445 Teddy, I'm scared. 1126 00:54:17,520 --> 00:54:18,760 Baby, we're gonna be fine. 1127 00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:22,049 I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says. You're my wife. 1128 00:54:22,440 --> 00:54:24,169 I love you so much. 1129 00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:25,520 And I swear to God, if we lose, 1130 00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:27,204 I'm gonna fucking cut thatjudge_ 1131 00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:28,885 Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade? 1132 00:54:28,960 --> 00:54:29,961 Yeah. 1133 00:54:30,040 --> 00:54:32,441 But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it? 1134 00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:33,931 Oh! 1135 00:54:35,200 --> 00:54:36,247 Hey, Sam. 1136 00:54:37,040 --> 00:54:38,610 Who's that buttnut over there? 1137 00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:44,209 That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild. 1138 00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,044 It's our bad luck they put him on the trial. 1139 00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:48,484 He's never lost a casein his life. 1140 00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,841 Mr. Wild, your opening statement, if you please. 1141 00:54:53,120 --> 00:54:54,531 Thank you, Your Honor. 1142 00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:58,210 I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury 1143 00:54:58,600 --> 00:55:01,410 for taking time out of their busy schedules 1144 00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:03,643 to be a part of these proceedings. 1145 00:55:04,080 --> 00:55:09,325 Now, the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one. 1146 00:55:09,680 --> 00:55:11,921 Is Ted a human being? 1147 00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:13,970 Or a piece of property? 1148 00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:20,603 You know, it really is a very special, very unique thing to be human. 1149 00:55:21,320 --> 00:55:25,211 It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species. 1150 00:55:25,640 --> 00:55:26,687 Us. 1151 00:55:27,320 --> 00:55:30,130 But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, 1152 00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:32,565 where does that lead us? 1153 00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:35,242 Does your dog deserve human rights? 1154 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:37,046 Your cat? 1155 00:55:37,120 --> 00:55:38,565 Your toaster? 1156 00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:39,687 (SOFT CHUCKLE) 1157 00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:44,969 Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? 1158 00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:48,851 I'm confident you'll make the right decision. 1159 00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,645 JUDGE: Thank you, Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. 1160 00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:54,240 Ms. Jackson? 1161 00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:01,366 Hi. 1162 00:56:02,280 --> 00:56:04,169 I am Samantha Jackson. 1163 00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:06,841 I got to be honest with you. I'm.__ 1164 00:56:07,600 --> 00:56:09,523 I'm a little nervous. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1165 00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:11,684 Why am I nervous? Um... 1166 00:56:12,760 --> 00:56:16,287 Well, not because I'm a junior attorney arguing ner first case. 1167 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:18,564 And not because some of you might laugh 1168 00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:21,325 at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear. 1169 00:56:21,560 --> 00:56:22,800 (SOFT LAUGHTER) 1170 00:56:24,120 --> 00:56:28,444 No, I'm.__ I'm nervous because of one simple word. 1171 00:56:30,880 --> 00:56:32,120 "Justice_" 1172 00:56:33,040 --> 00:56:37,728 I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed 1173 00:56:37,880 --> 00:56:40,884 by smooth talk and a haircut, 1174 00:56:41,160 --> 00:56:45,290 and forget about the most important aspect of this case. 1175 00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:47,846 Justice. 1176 00:56:49,560 --> 00:56:50,971 A hundred and fifty years ago 1177 00:56:51,080 --> 00:56:53,401 a slave by the name of Dred Scott 1178 00:56:53,480 --> 00:56:57,087 sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. 1179 00:56:57,520 --> 00:56:59,010 He lost. 1180 00:56:59,240 --> 00:57:03,245 And as history has shown us, that wasn'tjustice_ 1181 00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:08,211 In every civil rights conflict, 1182 00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:12,930 we are only able to recognize the just point of view 1183 00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:14,843 years after the fact. 1184 00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:17,522 And when the next conflict comes along, 1185 00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:20,684 we're once again blind to it as it's happening. 1186 00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:25,127 "Well, this is different," we say, but it isn't. 1187 00:57:26,280 --> 00:57:29,443 It is the same beast, just wearing a different face, 1188 00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:31,170 and it's happening again today. 1189 00:57:32,680 --> 00:57:35,923 So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 1190 00:57:36,080 --> 00:57:39,209 not to be a footnote on the wrong side of history. 1191 00:57:41,880 --> 00:57:44,042 Don't wait too long to be right. 1192 00:57:45,720 --> 00:57:46,801 Thank you. 1193 00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:51,881 Erection. 1194 00:57:52,040 --> 00:57:53,610 Sustained. 1195 00:57:56,240 --> 00:57:59,244 Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child. 1196 00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:00,367 Is that correct? 1197 00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:01,767 Yeah. 1198 00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:03,486 And if I may inquire, 1199 00:58:03,560 --> 00:58:05,801 why did you not choose to have a child of your own? 1200 00:58:06,520 --> 00:58:08,045 Because Teddy ain't got no dick. 1201 00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:09,771 (LAUGHTER) 1202 00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:12,847 Uh-huh. 1203 00:58:12,920 --> 00:58:17,608 And, uh, why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? 1204 00:58:18,080 --> 00:58:19,445 Is it a freak of genetics? 1205 00:58:19,760 --> 00:58:22,161 No, asshole, he ain't got a dick because he's a fucking toy! 1206 00:58:22,240 --> 00:58:23,287 What's your excuse? 1207 00:58:23,400 --> 00:58:25,050 Whoa-ho! Take a burn! 1208 00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:27,600 Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter? 1209 00:58:27,680 --> 00:58:28,886 Yeah! How'd you... What? 1210 00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:30,729 (GAVEL BANGS) Order! 1211 00:58:31,920 --> 00:58:33,001 Mr. Bennett, 1212 00:58:33,600 --> 00:58:36,763 how would you categorize your relationship with Ted? 1213 00:58:37,680 --> 00:58:38,920 He's my best friend. 1214 00:58:39,360 --> 00:58:41,442 So you don't see him as your property. 1215 00:58:41,760 --> 00:58:44,411 No, he's not my property. He's a person. 1216 00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,482 He's way more of a person than lots of other people. 1217 00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:47,971 I mean, fucking Steven Tyler? 1218 00:58:48,040 --> 00:58:49,280 What the fuck is that? Some kind of 1219 00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,964 weird soccer-mom-looking Goonie monster? 1220 00:58:51,040 --> 00:58:52,530 Your Honor? I'll allow it. 1221 00:58:52,880 --> 00:58:54,325 Thank you, Your Honor. 1222 00:58:55,000 --> 00:58:56,445 Your witness. 1223 00:58:56,960 --> 00:58:58,291 (CLEARS THROAT) 1224 00:58:59,960 --> 00:59:01,166 Mr. Bennett, 1225 00:59:02,040 --> 00:59:04,281 when and where did you first encounter Ted? 1226 00:59:04,800 --> 00:59:07,121 Oh, what do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid. 1227 00:59:07,240 --> 00:59:09,322 A-ha. They "got him." 1228 00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,291 Where did they get him? 1229 00:59:15,120 --> 00:59:16,406 Child World toy store. 1230 00:59:16,480 --> 00:59:18,403 I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that. Could you repeat that, please? 1231 00:59:18,480 --> 00:59:20,084 Child World toy store. You fucking heard me. 1232 00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,565 Tnere's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett. 1233 00:59:21,640 --> 00:59:22,926 Why? Nobody here likes you! 1234 00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,082 I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser! 1235 00:59:25,160 --> 00:59:26,241 Your Honor? Mr. Bennett. 1236 00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:27,685 I hope your kids get bird flu! 1237 00:59:27,800 --> 00:59:28,801 Mr. Bennett! 1238 00:59:28,880 --> 00:59:29,927 I'm sorry. 1239 00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:33,209 Now, you said your parents purchased Ted, 1240 00:59:33,360 --> 00:59:36,648 as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel. 1241 00:59:36,760 --> 00:59:37,921 No, it's not like that! 1242 00:59:38,000 --> 00:59:39,001 Objection! 1243 00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:40,286 You can't do that! 1244 00:59:40,360 --> 00:59:41,566 You know what? This is bullshit! 1245 00:59:41,680 --> 00:59:43,409 This court is trying to tell me 1246 00:59:43,480 --> 00:59:44,891 that I'm not as good as other people, 1247 00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:47,162 and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags! 1248 00:59:47,240 --> 00:59:48,241 Ted! 1249 00:59:48,320 --> 00:59:49,287 Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homes. 1250 00:59:49,360 --> 00:59:50,930 This is exactly what you've been doing 1251 00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:52,525 to the homos, and I say it's wrong! 1252 00:59:52,600 --> 00:59:55,171 Ms. Jackson, please control your client 1253 00:59:55,240 --> 00:59:57,368 or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court! 1254 00:59:57,440 --> 00:59:58,521 Oh, piss off! 1255 00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:01,285 I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos! 1256 01:00:01,360 --> 01:00:02,441 We deserve respect! 1257 01:00:02,520 --> 01:00:03,521 Ted, shut up! 1258 01:00:03,640 --> 01:00:04,880 Fine. 1259 01:00:05,600 --> 01:00:07,568 (VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS) 1260 01:00:14,160 --> 01:00:16,606 Your Honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubber Lang to the stand. 1261 01:00:16,680 --> 01:00:17,681 Yes! 1262 01:00:18,000 --> 01:00:19,968 My turn, assholes! 1263 01:00:25,160 --> 01:00:26,207 Ted, 1264 01:00:26,960 --> 01:00:28,166 do you love your wife? 1265 01:00:28,240 --> 01:00:31,369 Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled. 1266 01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:33,045 I'll rephrase. 1267 01:00:34,160 --> 01:00:35,650 Do you love Tami-Lynn? 1268 01:00:36,040 --> 01:00:39,123 I love my wife. Okay? My wife. 1269 01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:40,645 More than anything in the world. 1270 01:00:40,720 --> 01:00:42,927 We're married. I don't care what anybody says. 1271 01:00:43,360 --> 01:00:46,887 So you're saying you are capable of feeling love. 1272 01:00:47,280 --> 01:00:48,441 Yeah. 1273 01:00:48,760 --> 01:00:50,410 Hey, it must be weird for you guys, 1274 01:00:50,480 --> 01:00:51,845 having a doll up here on the stand 1275 01:00:51,960 --> 01:00:54,167 with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him, huh? 1276 01:00:54,280 --> 01:00:55,361 (CHUCKLES) 1277 01:00:55,440 --> 01:00:56,601 Yeah, no, yeah, no. 1278 01:00:56,680 --> 01:00:59,650 Yeah, I am capable. I love a lot of stuff. Yeah. 1279 01:01:00,240 --> 01:01:04,370 Ted, do you believe you have a soul? 1280 01:01:05,760 --> 01:01:08,127 (SINGING) what did you think 1281 01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:11,131 I would do at this moment 1282 01:01:11,600 --> 01:01:14,444 When you're standing before me 1283 01:01:14,520 --> 01:01:17,205 With tears in your eyes 1284 01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:19,365 That answer your question? 1285 01:01:19,440 --> 01:01:20,885 Objection. Your Honor? 1286 01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:22,844 (SINGSONGY) Overruledl 1287 01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:26,163 A-ha! What it is, man! Dynomite. 1288 01:01:26,440 --> 01:01:28,283 Ted. Right, right. Sorry, sorry. 1289 01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,489 Look, I'm not a scientist, okay? 1290 01:01:33,120 --> 01:01:36,442 I don't know exactly what makes a person a person. 1291 01:01:36,600 --> 01:01:39,080 All I know is I feel stuff. 1292 01:01:39,560 --> 01:01:40,971 Just like all you guys. 1293 01:01:42,040 --> 01:01:44,441 And I don't think I ought to be treated any different. 1294 01:01:48,440 --> 01:01:49,965 Capable of love. 1295 01:01:51,120 --> 01:01:53,168 Aware of his own consciousness. 1296 01:01:55,960 --> 01:01:57,689 Seems pretty human to me. 1297 01:01:58,640 --> 01:02:00,563 No further questions. 1298 01:02:01,240 --> 01:02:02,321 Mr. Kidder, 1299 01:02:02,560 --> 01:02:06,804 you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct? 1300 01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:09,884 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears. 1301 01:02:10,360 --> 01:02:11,885 And what is that stuffing made of? 1302 01:02:11,960 --> 01:02:14,406 A synthetic cotton-poly blend. 1303 01:02:14,560 --> 01:02:16,244 Is there anything else in there? 1304 01:02:16,560 --> 01:02:20,485 The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest 1305 01:02:20,840 --> 01:02:23,969 which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases. 1306 01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:26,481 Hmm. 1307 01:02:29,560 --> 01:02:30,686 Ted, 1308 01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:33,409 would you please press your chest? 1309 01:02:35,640 --> 01:02:36,687 What? 1310 01:02:37,120 --> 01:02:39,851 Please follow the instruction, Mr. Clubber Lang. 1311 01:02:45,000 --> 01:02:46,525 TED TOY VOICE: I love you! 1312 01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:48,086 (CROWD MURMUR) 1313 01:02:56,880 --> 01:02:58,291 No further questions. 1314 01:03:01,040 --> 01:03:02,883 FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Also in the news, a pending court case 1315 01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:05,048 is beginning to get national attention 1316 01:03:05,120 --> 01:03:07,088 for its civil rights ramifications. 1317 01:03:07,200 --> 01:03:09,089 Ted, the bean who some of you may remember 1318 01:03:09,160 --> 01:03:12,687 came to life back in the mid-'80s right here in Boston, 1319 01:03:12,840 --> 01:03:15,844 is suing to prove he is indeed a person. 1320 01:03:16,120 --> 01:03:18,646 Okay, so what are we even talking about here? 1321 01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:22,611 What we're talking about is a civil rights issue. This bear has rights. 1322 01:03:22,680 --> 01:03:24,648 Oh, come on! He does not! He's a toy. 1323 01:03:24,720 --> 01:03:26,210 Then why are you calling it a "he"? 1324 01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,641 Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she," 1325 01:03:28,720 --> 01:03:32,042 but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel. 1326 01:03:32,160 --> 01:03:33,207 Oh, good point. 1327 01:03:33,240 --> 01:03:36,642 Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is. Mmm-hmm. 1328 01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:38,081 (SCOFFS) Now, come on! 1329 01:03:38,200 --> 01:03:39,770 Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me 1330 01:03:39,880 --> 01:03:41,484 that this stuffed doll is a person? 1331 01:03:41,560 --> 01:03:42,607 No. Not at all. 1332 01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:43,926 We all agree all the time. 1333 01:03:44,200 --> 01:03:45,850 So, of course, the big story out of Boston 1334 01:03:45,920 --> 01:03:48,969 is that Ted, the bean is suing to prove that he's a person. 1335 01:03:49,400 --> 01:03:51,448 Legal experts are closely watching this case. 1336 01:03:51,560 --> 01:03:52,925 They said if Ted wins, 1337 01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:55,805 Donald Trump's hair would look to quickly file a similar lawsuit. 1338 01:03:56,080 --> 01:03:59,402 So, I think it might be real. 1339 01:03:59,560 --> 01:04:01,847 I don't think he should want to be considered a person. 1340 01:04:01,920 --> 01:04:03,809 After all, you know, Ted spent many years 1341 01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:05,684 sleeping and cuddling with a child. 1342 01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:07,603 That's cute when you're a stuffed animal. 1343 01:04:07,720 --> 01:04:09,688 When you're a person, that's a felony. 1344 01:04:09,760 --> 01:04:11,285 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1345 01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:13,050 This sounds like a silly case, 1346 01:04:13,160 --> 01:04:15,208 but this is actually a really big case. 1347 01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:16,884 The last time someone named Ted 1348 01:04:16,960 --> 01:04:18,610 made this much news in Massachusetts, 1349 01:04:18,760 --> 01:04:20,569 he drove a chick into a lake. 1350 01:04:22,760 --> 01:04:25,684 Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense? 1351 01:04:26,080 --> 01:04:30,449 I am not an animal! 1352 01:04:30,920 --> 01:04:32,410 (LAUGHTER) 1353 01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:35,240 You see, Your Honor? 1354 01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:36,685 He's not an animal. 1355 01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:38,041 (sNIFFLEs) 1356 01:04:38,280 --> 01:04:39,691 01:04:47,611 I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm on my period. 1358 01:04:48,240 --> 01:04:53,770 And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! (APPLAUSE) 1359 01:04:54,360 --> 01:04:56,408 (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) 1360 01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:13,203 What is taking them so long? 1361 01:05:13,280 --> 01:05:15,089 Oh, is it bad that they're taking this long? 1362 01:05:15,160 --> 01:05:16,810 It's not good or bad. It just means 1363 01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:18,325 that they're probably having a debate. 1364 01:05:18,800 --> 01:05:21,167 Johnny, it may be time to play the Betelgeuse card. 1365 01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:22,241 What do you mean? 1366 01:05:22,320 --> 01:05:23,924 I mean saying his name three times. 1367 01:05:24,000 --> 01:05:25,047 What? 1368 01:05:25,120 --> 01:05:26,281 Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. 1369 01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:27,481 Shut up! 1370 01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:28,880 You fucking crazy? We don't want 1371 01:05:28,960 --> 01:05:30,121 that guy running around in here. 1372 01:05:30,200 --> 01:05:31,406 No, Johnny, he'll be on our side. 1373 01:05:31,480 --> 01:05:32,811 He'll help us. Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse... 1374 01:05:32,880 --> 01:05:35,486 You are meddling with powers you do not understand. 1375 01:05:35,560 --> 01:05:36,641 Cut the shit. 1376 01:05:37,040 --> 01:05:38,610 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 1377 01:05:48,840 --> 01:05:49,921 Please be seated. 1378 01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:55,565 Mr. Wilier, has the jury reached a verdict? 1379 01:05:55,840 --> 01:05:57,683 Yes, we have, Your Honor. (CLEARS THROAT) 1380 01:05:58,320 --> 01:06:02,405 Um, in the case of Ted v. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 1381 01:06:02,560 --> 01:06:07,851 we, the jury, find for the Commonwealth in that Ted is not a person. 1382 01:06:08,320 --> 01:06:09,651 (CROWD lvluRlvluRING) 1383 01:06:16,520 --> 01:06:17,521 (slGHs) 1384 01:06:18,080 --> 01:06:19,650 (GAVEL BANGING) 1385 01:06:20,160 --> 01:06:21,207 JUDGE: Very well. 1386 01:06:21,400 --> 01:06:24,244 The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. 1387 01:06:24,760 --> 01:06:27,366 The definition entails the rights thereof 1388 01:06:27,440 --> 01:06:29,920 and will be recognized in the terms set 1389 01:06:30,000 --> 01:06:32,367 by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. 1390 01:06:32,440 --> 01:06:35,523 The court wishes to thank the jury for its service. 1391 01:06:42,720 --> 01:06:44,643 Are you sure you can get him? 1392 01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:46,723 Remember, you're on your own out there. 1393 01:06:46,800 --> 01:06:48,689 Hasbro can have no connection to this. 1394 01:06:48,840 --> 01:06:50,365 Oh, I'll get him. 1395 01:06:50,800 --> 01:06:52,882 And when I have him, I'll call you with the code phrase. 1396 01:06:54,200 --> 01:06:55,850 Do you remember what it is? 1397 01:06:56,240 --> 01:06:57,446 Yes, I remember it. 1398 01:06:57,600 --> 01:06:58,840 Should we say it just for safety? 1399 01:06:58,920 --> 01:06:59,921 No, that's not necessary. 1400 01:07:00,000 --> 01:07:00,967 Say it. Just say it. Say it. 1401 01:07:01,040 --> 01:07:02,246 I don't want to. I don't have to. 1402 01:07:02,360 --> 01:07:03,407 Fresh cakes. 1403 01:07:04,320 --> 01:07:05,560 Fresh cakes. 1404 01:07:14,080 --> 01:07:16,003 (SNIFFLING) This isn't fucking fair. 1405 01:07:16,160 --> 01:07:18,003 Teddy's a good man. 1406 01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:20,971 Why is he being treated differently than everybody else? 1407 01:07:21,360 --> 01:07:23,601 (SCOFFS) it's what this country does best. 1408 01:07:23,680 --> 01:07:25,682 Putting different people into little groups 1409 01:07:25,760 --> 01:07:27,125 and making them watch Tyler Perry. 1410 01:07:27,200 --> 01:07:28,406 It's wrong! 1411 01:07:29,800 --> 01:07:31,165 I'm so sorry, baby. 1412 01:07:31,440 --> 01:07:34,762 No, I'm sorry! I thought I'd built a better case. 1413 01:07:34,960 --> 01:07:36,007 It's just... 1414 01:07:36,080 --> 01:07:38,367 The reality is you have a really shitty lawyer. 1415 01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:39,527 Hey, come on. 1416 01:07:39,600 --> 01:07:42,285 Nobody's blaming you for this. You did everything you could. 1417 01:07:42,400 --> 01:07:44,448 (SIGHS) I... I'm sitting here 1418 01:07:44,520 --> 01:07:46,841 and I... I can't believe it's official. 1419 01:07:47,320 --> 01:07:48,845 Oh, so what are we gonna do now? 1420 01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,770 I mean, we can't take this lying down, right? We got to do something. 1421 01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:55,291 You know what We're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Nleighan. 1422 01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:56,521 Who's that? 1423 01:07:56,840 --> 01:07:59,491 He is the top civil rights attorney in America. 1424 01:07:59,600 --> 01:08:02,046 Wait. Is he the one who got that female midget into the Marines? 1425 01:08:02,120 --> 01:08:03,121 Yeah. 1426 01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:04,531 Yeah, that had a sad ending though, you remember? 1427 01:08:04,640 --> 01:08:06,005 She was at a Veterans Day parade, 1428 01:08:06,080 --> 01:08:07,320 and somebody handed ner a bunch of balloons 1429 01:08:07,400 --> 01:08:08,606 and... (WHOOSHES) Gone! 1430 01:08:08,800 --> 01:08:10,768 It was very sad. Very sad for the family. 1431 01:08:10,920 --> 01:08:13,400 You know what? If anyone can get this verdict overturned, it's him. 1432 01:08:13,480 --> 01:08:14,561 He's not cheap, 1433 01:08:14,640 --> 01:08:16,722 but we've become such a high profile case, 1434 01:08:16,800 --> 01:08:19,041 I feel like he might take it pro bono. 1435 01:08:19,120 --> 01:08:20,565 He's a sucker for media. 1436 01:08:24,360 --> 01:08:26,089 Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh? 1437 01:08:26,160 --> 01:08:27,650 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1438 01:08:28,800 --> 01:08:31,406 Hi, I'm calling for Patrick Nleighan. This is Samantha Jackson. 1439 01:08:31,480 --> 01:08:34,802 I defended Ted Clubber Lang in Ted v. Massachusetts. 1440 01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:36,721 Hey! 1441 01:08:36,840 --> 01:08:40,890 Hi, Mr. Nleighan. Thank you so much for taking my call. 1442 01:08:41,520 --> 01:08:42,567 (JOHN GRUNTING) 1443 01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,411 Oh, you've been following the case. That's great. 1444 01:08:46,440 --> 01:08:48,329 Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling. (BOTH GRUNTING) 1445 01:08:48,400 --> 01:08:50,243 Yeah, I was wondering 1446 01:08:50,320 --> 01:08:54,689 if, um, maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. 1447 01:08:56,560 --> 01:09:00,531 Well, yeah. I mean, it would have to be a pro bono situation 1448 01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:02,762 because we're not really working with much money. 1449 01:09:02,840 --> 01:09:05,047 But I think you'll be impressed with my client. 1450 01:09:05,160 --> 01:09:06,924 Oh! Ha-ha! Ivlotherfuckerl 1451 01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:08,286 Sure. 1452 01:09:08,360 --> 01:09:11,648 Yeah, great. Okay. Thank you so much! 1453 01:09:11,720 --> 01:09:14,087 Okay,Nlseeyou then.Bye. 1454 01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:15,521 Oh, my God! 1455 01:09:15,600 --> 01:09:17,489 He said he'll meet with us on Friday at 9:00 a.m. 1456 01:09:17,560 --> 01:09:19,005 At his office in New York. 1457 01:09:19,080 --> 01:09:20,286 Is he gonna take the case? 1458 01:09:20,360 --> 01:09:22,408 I don't want tojinx it, but I think so. 1459 01:09:22,560 --> 01:09:24,722 Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny? (LAUGHS) 1460 01:09:24,800 --> 01:09:26,006 I still get a shot! JOHN: Yes! 1461 01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:27,730 Oh, my God! We got to celebrate! 1462 01:09:27,880 --> 01:09:28,961 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1463 01:09:29,040 --> 01:09:31,361 Let's go down to the improv and yell sad suggestions? 1464 01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:32,487 Fuck yeah! 1465 01:09:32,560 --> 01:09:35,564 So first we need a historical event. Wno's got an event? 1466 01:09:35,720 --> 01:09:36,721 TED: 9/11. 1467 01:09:36,880 --> 01:09:39,406 (STUTTERS) Okay, maybe something else. 1468 01:09:39,560 --> 01:09:41,130 All right, let's start with a person. 1469 01:09:41,200 --> 01:09:42,326 JOHN: Robin Williams! 1470 01:09:42,480 --> 01:09:45,689 Okay, all right, for real, guys, for real. Who's got a person? 1471 01:09:45,760 --> 01:09:47,649 TED: Robin Williams on 9/11. 1472 01:09:47,720 --> 01:09:49,484 All right, we've heard from these guys. 1473 01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:52,325 Let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. 1474 01:09:52,400 --> 01:09:54,209 How about a location? Let's go with a location. 1475 01:09:54,280 --> 01:09:56,248 TED: The offices of Charlie Hebdo. 1476 01:09:56,520 --> 01:09:59,410 Okay, seriously, sir, uh, I just need a location. 1477 01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:00,686 JOHN: Ferguson, Missouri. 1478 01:10:00,800 --> 01:10:02,165 TED: Germanwings cockpit. 1479 01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,288 Okay, I heard "Starbucks" TED: No, you didn't. 1480 01:10:04,360 --> 01:10:05,521 JOHN: Nobody said "Starbucks" 1481 01:10:05,600 --> 01:10:08,763 All right, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks? 1482 01:10:08,920 --> 01:10:10,081 TED: Bill Cosby. 1483 01:10:10,240 --> 01:10:11,401 You people are monsters. 1484 01:10:11,680 --> 01:10:13,170 JOHN: We're giving you the tools, buddy. 1485 01:10:13,240 --> 01:10:14,765 Come on, make some fucking comedy. 1486 01:10:26,080 --> 01:10:28,162 All right. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. 1487 01:10:28,320 --> 01:10:30,322 I love you so much, Teddy. 1488 01:10:30,480 --> 01:10:33,802 You go kick some ass because I am not taking off this wedding ring. 1489 01:10:34,000 --> 01:10:37,129 I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon. 1490 01:11:12,160 --> 01:11:14,288 (HIP-HOP PLAYING ON STEREO) 1491 01:11:21,680 --> 01:11:23,682 (SINGING) If you wanna sit there with a pie of meat 1492 01:11:23,800 --> 01:11:26,007 Just fuck your own brother in the front seat 1493 01:11:26,080 --> 01:11:28,890 Oh, why can't you just say please? 1494 01:11:28,960 --> 01:11:31,440 Hey! Must be the money 1495 01:11:32,160 --> 01:11:34,766 Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says "Arizona State"? 1496 01:11:34,840 --> 01:11:36,205 Because that's where I went to school. 1497 01:11:36,320 --> 01:11:38,368 What, you went to Arizona State? 1498 01:11:38,480 --> 01:11:39,481 Yeah, why? 1499 01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:41,608 Oh, man, that's why we lost the case. 1500 01:11:41,680 --> 01:11:42,761 Hello? You're dicks. 1501 01:11:42,840 --> 01:11:46,083 Arizona State. Hey, now many times you been fucked on a houseboat? 1502 01:11:46,200 --> 01:11:48,168 (LAuGHING) (LAUGHING) 1503 01:11:48,280 --> 01:11:49,361 Oh, come on. 1504 01:11:49,440 --> 01:11:50,601 Did you write your dissertation 1505 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:53,001 on the collected works of, uh, Red Bull? 1506 01:11:53,200 --> 01:11:55,202 Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an A on it. 1507 01:11:55,440 --> 01:11:59,570 TED: So do you say "Arizona State University" or do you just say "HPVU"? 1508 01:12:04,400 --> 01:12:06,971 This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10:00. 1509 01:12:07,360 --> 01:12:09,169 Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad? 1510 01:12:09,240 --> 01:12:10,730 Mmm, it's actually delicious. 1511 01:12:10,880 --> 01:12:12,803 Everybody always says that about their salad. 1512 01:12:12,880 --> 01:12:14,120 They're all a bunch of fucking liars. 1513 01:12:14,280 --> 01:12:16,169 No, I love it. it's really good. 1514 01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,607 Have some Cookie Crisp. You need something nutritional. 1515 01:12:18,720 --> 01:12:20,051 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp? 1516 01:12:20,120 --> 01:12:21,884 Because you've been staring at it, and you want it. 1517 01:12:22,040 --> 01:12:24,884 Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna make out or what? 1518 01:12:25,200 --> 01:12:26,486 Teddy, come on, dude! 1519 01:12:26,560 --> 01:12:29,803 No, I'm just saying. You look like you're hitting it off, you know? 1520 01:12:30,040 --> 01:12:31,769 Sam, you dig him, right? 1521 01:12:33,760 --> 01:12:34,807 MAN: Hey! 1522 01:12:34,880 --> 01:12:36,769 Where the hell's my coffee? I've been waiting for 10 minutes. 1523 01:12:36,840 --> 01:12:39,081 I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot. I'll get it right away. 1524 01:12:39,200 --> 01:12:42,010 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets. Figure it out! 1525 01:12:42,560 --> 01:12:44,005 What a prick! 1526 01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:47,091 Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack. 1527 01:12:47,240 --> 01:12:48,401 Wait, let me try. 1528 01:12:48,560 --> 01:12:50,961 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State. 1529 01:12:51,040 --> 01:12:52,929 Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom? 1530 01:12:53,160 --> 01:12:54,491 Shut up. 1531 01:12:55,240 --> 01:12:57,004 Oh, my God! Holy shit! 1532 01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:58,844 Who did that? 1533 01:12:59,080 --> 01:13:01,845 Oh, Jesus Christ. You got to be kidding me! 1534 01:13:01,920 --> 01:13:03,684 Now, we're assholes. Look what you did. 1535 01:13:03,760 --> 01:13:06,525 I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it? 1536 01:13:06,600 --> 01:13:09,524 Uh, sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son. 1537 01:13:09,720 --> 01:13:10,960 (IN l 01:13:12,127 Sovvvvy, sir. 1539 01:13:12,280 --> 01:13:14,681 Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sovvvvy. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) 1540 01:13:15,280 --> 01:13:18,602 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay. 1541 01:13:19,080 --> 01:13:21,208 Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes. 1542 01:13:21,280 --> 01:13:22,964 Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass. 1543 01:13:23,120 --> 01:13:24,406 You guys making trouble over here? 1544 01:13:24,480 --> 01:13:26,164 Uh, no, ma'am_ We're just minding our business. 1545 01:13:26,480 --> 01:13:28,608 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah? 1546 01:13:29,360 --> 01:13:30,805 Oh, he's not my boyfriend. 1547 01:13:31,200 --> 01:13:32,201 Oh. 1548 01:13:32,600 --> 01:13:33,840 Good. 1549 01:13:34,120 --> 01:13:35,531 We'll just get the check. Thanks. 1550 01:13:35,640 --> 01:13:36,926 Of course. 1551 01:13:39,240 --> 01:13:40,241 TED: Oh, my God. 1552 01:13:40,320 --> 01:13:43,290 John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1553 01:13:43,560 --> 01:13:44,561 No, she wasn't_ 1554 01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:45,971 She was giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1555 01:13:46,120 --> 01:13:47,360 What are the fuck-me eyes? 1556 01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:50,000 Some women just have fuck-me eyes. 1557 01:13:50,480 --> 01:13:51,720 Do I have fuck-me eyes? 1558 01:13:51,800 --> 01:13:54,246 No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes. 1559 01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:55,801 We better get going. 1560 01:13:55,880 --> 01:13:57,882 We got two hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat. 1561 01:13:57,960 --> 01:13:59,644 Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow. 1562 01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,643 I'll drive. You can take a nap. 1563 01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:03,006 You don't have a license. 1564 01:14:03,520 --> 01:14:04,760 Who cares? Johnny lets me drive 1565 01:14:04,840 --> 01:14:06,251 every once in a while when he's too hammered. 1566 01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:07,361 I'm a fucking pro! 1567 01:14:08,040 --> 01:14:09,201 Besides, 1568 01:14:09,320 --> 01:14:11,846 I've been Kicked around a lot this week. I just... 1569 01:14:12,160 --> 01:14:14,003 I want to feel useful, you know? 1570 01:14:14,560 --> 01:14:15,721 Twenty minutes behind the wheel. 1571 01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:16,887 Yay! 1572 01:14:35,360 --> 01:14:36,725 (R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) 1573 01:14:59,160 --> 01:15:01,367 (TIREs sCREECHING) (HORN HONKING) 1574 01:15:24,720 --> 01:15:26,290 (Lll=>-sYNCHING To SONG) 1575 01:15:36,640 --> 01:15:37,846 (SONG ENDS) 1576 01:15:38,840 --> 01:15:40,410 Ah! Ah! Shit, Shit, Shit! 1577 01:15:41,800 --> 01:15:42,926 (TIREs sCREECHING) 1578 01:15:48,760 --> 01:15:49,761 (HORN HoNKING) 1579 01:16:11,040 --> 01:16:12,280 What the fuck? 1580 01:16:12,360 --> 01:16:14,840 Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes. You wanna take over? 1581 01:16:28,040 --> 01:16:29,849 (STUTTERS) Hey, listen, Sam, I'm real sorry. 1582 01:16:29,920 --> 01:16:31,649 That barn just came out of nowhere. 1583 01:16:31,720 --> 01:16:34,041 No, no, it's my fault. I... I, uh... 1584 01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,770 I should never have let you drive. 1585 01:16:35,840 --> 01:16:37,444 Yeah. You were wrong. 1586 01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:39,124 You were wrong to do that. Yeah. 1587 01:16:39,240 --> 01:16:43,165 But that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up. So, uh... 1588 01:16:43,960 --> 01:16:45,724 I can't see shit in there. 1589 01:16:45,800 --> 01:16:47,882 We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out. 1590 01:16:48,240 --> 01:16:50,811 Uh, wait. Are we gonna spend the night here? 1591 01:16:51,000 --> 01:16:53,526 Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find some firewood. 1592 01:17:04,480 --> 01:17:05,561 What the hell? 1593 01:17:09,040 --> 01:17:10,280 (sNIFFs) 1594 01:17:11,600 --> 01:17:13,762 Holy shit! Hey, Ted! 1595 01:17:14,800 --> 01:17:18,009 You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze. 1596 01:17:18,080 --> 01:17:19,206 It's a really rare strain. 1597 01:17:19,320 --> 01:17:21,527 It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. 1598 01:17:21,840 --> 01:17:22,887 It's totally potent. 1599 01:17:22,960 --> 01:17:24,291 I've only had it once in my life 1600 01:17:24,360 --> 01:17:25,850 and it was one of the best highs I ever had. 1601 01:17:26,040 --> 01:17:27,280 What the hell is a leaf of this stuff 1602 01:17:27,360 --> 01:17:28,521 doing out in the middle of a... 1603 01:17:39,680 --> 01:17:41,682 (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING) 1604 01:17:57,880 --> 01:18:00,690 Dear God! Dear God in heaven! 1605 01:18:01,640 --> 01:18:03,244 (SOBS) So beautiful. 1606 01:18:04,480 --> 01:18:06,164 It's so beautiful. 1607 01:18:06,800 --> 01:18:08,290 No words. 1608 01:18:09,240 --> 01:18:11,481 No words. (SNIFFLES) 1609 01:18:11,560 --> 01:18:13,562 They should've sent a poet. 1610 01:18:20,920 --> 01:18:22,763 They're moving in herds. 1611 01:18:23,640 --> 01:18:25,563 They do move in herds. 1612 01:18:29,720 --> 01:18:32,485 Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. 1613 01:18:32,600 --> 01:18:35,524 TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position, here. 1614 01:18:35,600 --> 01:18:37,045 I mean, we wanna get high, too. 1615 01:18:37,120 --> 01:18:38,485 I don't have any papers or nothing. 1616 01:18:38,600 --> 01:18:41,490 Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. 1617 01:18:41,760 --> 01:18:42,761 01:18:44,683 it's so stupid. Here, try it. 1619 01:18:44,760 --> 01:18:45,841 Uh, no. 1620 01:18:45,920 --> 01:18:46,967 Why? 1621 01:18:47,040 --> 01:18:49,520 I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth. 1622 01:18:49,600 --> 01:18:50,965 Oh, you think this is big? 1623 01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:52,201 01:18:53,884 Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal. 1625 01:18:53,960 --> 01:18:54,927 This is all I brought. 1626 01:18:55,040 --> 01:18:56,849 How about this? I'm gonna go check out the barn 1627 01:18:56,960 --> 01:18:58,962 and I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can or something 1628 01:18:59,040 --> 01:19:00,201 for us to make an actual bong. 1629 01:19:00,280 --> 01:19:02,123 Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong. 1630 01:19:02,360 --> 01:19:05,045 Yeah. Hey, that's the name of the South Korean president. (LAUGHS) 1631 01:19:05,120 --> 01:19:06,201 Right? 1632 01:19:06,440 --> 01:19:07,726 She gets... You get it. 1633 01:19:07,800 --> 01:19:08,801 Right? No. 1634 01:19:08,960 --> 01:19:10,007 What? 1635 01:19:10,160 --> 01:19:11,844 Okay, I'll be back. 1636 01:19:12,360 --> 01:19:13,691 Sorry. 1637 01:19:13,840 --> 01:19:16,320 No. This is nice. 1638 01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:18,329 You know? I always wanted my ex-wife 1639 01:19:18,440 --> 01:19:20,044 to get stoned with me. She never would. 1640 01:19:20,200 --> 01:19:21,201 Really? 1641 01:19:21,280 --> 01:19:24,204 Wow. That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. 1642 01:19:24,400 --> 01:19:25,811 I agree. (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1643 01:19:29,800 --> 01:19:32,371 So, you think this Ivleighan guy is gonna help us? 1644 01:19:32,520 --> 01:19:35,364 I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um... 1645 01:19:36,720 --> 01:19:38,245 But we're going to the right place. 1646 01:19:39,400 --> 01:19:41,004 Listen, I just really want to thank you 1647 01:19:41,080 --> 01:19:42,923 for all you've done, all you're doing for us. 1648 01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:44,809 I know it's not making you rich. 1649 01:19:44,880 --> 01:19:45,927 Please. 1650 01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:48,241 There are more important things in life than money. 1651 01:19:49,680 --> 01:19:50,886 Look, 1652 01:19:51,560 --> 01:19:53,801 I don't know what kind of mojo was in 1653 01:19:53,880 --> 01:19:55,609 that wish you made when you were a child, 1654 01:19:55,680 --> 01:19:57,569 but this bear is alive. 1655 01:19:58,520 --> 01:20:02,570 And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, 1656 01:20:03,160 --> 01:20:05,367 how soon before it devalues another? 1657 01:20:05,680 --> 01:20:07,603 Who gets subjugated after the bear? 1658 01:20:09,240 --> 01:20:11,242 You're really smart, you know that? 1659 01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,806 How come you don't have a guy? 1660 01:20:14,200 --> 01:20:16,441 Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? 1661 01:20:16,520 --> 01:20:18,522 I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy 1662 01:20:18,600 --> 01:20:20,523 with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket 1663 01:20:20,600 --> 01:20:23,046 and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? Nope. 1664 01:20:23,120 --> 01:20:24,167 Yeah. (CHUCKLES) 1665 01:20:24,240 --> 01:20:25,526 That's so dumb. 1666 01:20:26,520 --> 01:20:28,045 (GRUNTS) I Couldn't find any cans, 1667 01:20:28,120 --> 01:20:30,805 but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn. 1668 01:20:30,880 --> 01:20:33,929 Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar. 1669 01:20:34,120 --> 01:20:35,485 Hey, be careful with that, huh. 1670 01:20:35,680 --> 01:20:36,806 No, it's okay. it's not loaded. 1671 01:20:38,760 --> 01:20:40,922 And my fucking nose came off. 1672 01:20:42,440 --> 01:20:44,408 Jeez, I wonder who this place belongs to. 1673 01:20:44,520 --> 01:20:46,488 Maybe we should find someplace else. (PLAYS GUITAR) 1674 01:20:46,560 --> 01:20:48,562 We're in the middle of nowhere. 1675 01:20:48,640 --> 01:20:50,688 If we get out of here by dawn, we should be fine, right? 1676 01:20:52,920 --> 01:20:54,206 You play the guitar? 1677 01:20:55,040 --> 01:20:57,566 A little bit. I learned when I was a kid. 1678 01:21:06,920 --> 01:21:09,924 (SINGING) Mean ol' moon 1679 01:21:10,080 --> 01:21:12,401 It must be fun 1680 01:21:13,840 --> 01:21:18,971 To shine upon me as I come undone 1681 01:21:19,600 --> 01:21:25,448 Till I'm all alone beneath the sun 1682 01:21:25,920 --> 01:21:32,087 You mean ol' moon 1683 01:21:32,560 --> 01:21:38,010 With your beam you led the way 1684 01:21:39,440 --> 01:21:44,970 And found me love I thought was here to stay 1685 01:21:45,200 --> 01:21:51,526 Then you went and took my love away 1686 01:21:51,600 --> 01:21:56,811 You mean ol' moon 1687 01:21:57,440 --> 01:22:03,800 Oh, you mean ol' stars above 1688 01:22:04,320 --> 01:22:10,441 The games that you play with me 1689 01:22:10,920 --> 01:22:15,881 I could find some happiness 1690 01:22:16,960 --> 01:22:23,002 If all of my nights were cloudy 1691 01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:26,210 Mean ol' moon 1692 01:22:26,680 --> 01:22:29,160 I hope it's true 1693 01:22:30,600 --> 01:22:35,640 You're takin' all the light that's left in you 1694 01:22:36,320 --> 01:22:42,601 And saving it up for you know who 1695 01:22:42,680 --> 01:22:48,608 You mean ol' moon 1696 01:22:49,000 --> 01:22:55,690 You mean ol' moon 1697 01:23:14,200 --> 01:23:15,884 Yes! 1698 01:23:31,640 --> 01:23:32,766 You got it. 1699 01:23:33,040 --> 01:23:34,121 You got it! 1700 01:23:34,400 --> 01:23:35,890 Come on, put your legs into it. 1701 01:23:38,120 --> 01:23:39,929 There you go! Nice job! 1702 01:23:40,000 --> 01:23:41,047 Jesus. 1703 01:23:41,440 --> 01:23:42,805 So, listen, I got to ask. 1704 01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:45,969 Was it just kissing last night? Or was there finger stuff? 1705 01:23:59,120 --> 01:24:00,167 How far are we? 1706 01:24:01,040 --> 01:24:03,122 I'd say we're about an hour outside the city. 1707 01:24:03,200 --> 01:24:06,443 Fantastic. So, I'm one hour away from being a real person. 1708 01:24:06,960 --> 01:24:08,007 MAN: Hey! 1709 01:24:08,280 --> 01:24:09,805 Who the fuck are you? 1710 01:24:10,120 --> 01:24:11,406 This is private property! 1711 01:24:11,480 --> 01:24:13,130 Get the fuck out of the car! 1712 01:24:14,200 --> 01:24:15,326 Shit! Go, go, go! 1713 01:24:20,000 --> 01:24:21,047 (SAMANTHA SCREAMS) 1714 01:24:25,320 --> 01:24:26,321 Shit! 1715 01:24:29,080 --> 01:24:30,889 Oh, God, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, pot! Sorry! 1716 01:24:31,040 --> 01:24:32,087 I'm so sorry, pot! 1717 01:24:39,720 --> 01:24:40,767 What are you doing? 1718 01:24:40,880 --> 01:24:41,927 Seizing the day! 1719 01:24:48,320 --> 01:24:49,606 There's the road, there, that way! Go! 1720 01:24:54,160 --> 01:24:56,527 Come on, you gotta move. They're right on our ass. I am, I'm moving. 1721 01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:04,523 What the fuck, man? What? 1722 01:25:04,600 --> 01:25:05,647 Are you hard? 1723 01:25:05,720 --> 01:25:07,404 Yeah, this shit makes me hard. 1724 01:25:12,840 --> 01:25:13,841 (HORN BLARING) 1725 01:25:14,360 --> 01:25:16,169 Whoa! BOTH: Holy shit! 1726 01:25:16,240 --> 01:25:17,401 Oh, my God, are they okay? 1727 01:25:20,520 --> 01:25:21,931 Uh, yeah, they're fine. They look happy. 1728 01:25:22,040 --> 01:25:23,929 Yeah, they're waving at us. They're giving us the thumbs up. 1729 01:25:30,800 --> 01:25:33,280 Man, we got a lot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it. 1730 01:25:33,360 --> 01:25:34,646 Oh, we're gonna smoke it, all right, 1731 01:25:34,720 --> 01:25:35,846 but just stuff it under the seat for now. 1732 01:25:35,920 --> 01:25:36,967 We don't wanna go to jail. 1733 01:25:37,040 --> 01:25:38,326 Yeah, that's a good idea. 1734 01:25:44,440 --> 01:25:46,249 (LIGHTER FLICKERING) 1735 01:25:47,400 --> 01:25:48,731 UNHALES) 1736 01:25:54,920 --> 01:25:55,967 (CAMERA cLICKs) 1737 01:25:56,080 --> 01:25:57,570 Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing? 1738 01:25:57,720 --> 01:26:00,724 Hashtag "My amazing summer." 1739 01:26:00,960 --> 01:26:02,769 God damn it! What the hell's wrong with you? 1740 01:26:02,840 --> 01:26:04,171 Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard. 1741 01:26:04,240 --> 01:26:05,480 What do you mean? I was just messing around. 1742 01:26:05,560 --> 01:26:07,483 Oh, shut up and suck that dick. 1743 01:26:07,560 --> 01:26:08,641 Oh, fuck you. 1744 01:26:09,080 --> 01:26:10,764 (BROADWAY MUSIC PLAYING) 1745 01:26:33,440 --> 01:26:35,522 (SIGHS) I love New York. 1746 01:26:35,760 --> 01:26:37,364 Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people. 1747 01:26:37,440 --> 01:26:39,966 Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York. 1748 01:26:40,200 --> 01:26:41,884 Hello, Jews! 1749 01:26:49,040 --> 01:26:50,405 IVIEN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 1750 01:26:50,520 --> 01:26:52,284 Watch it. Jesus! Watch where you're going! 1751 01:26:52,560 --> 01:26:55,040 It's a crosswalk, jackass! We have the right of way! Yeah. 1752 01:26:55,120 --> 01:26:56,121 BOTH: Whoa! 1753 01:26:56,200 --> 01:26:58,567 Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed like Star Wars? 1754 01:26:58,640 --> 01:27:01,689 It's Comic Con, you idiot! We're going to the Javits Center. 1755 01:27:01,760 --> 01:27:03,125 You're the idiots, because you three guys 1756 01:27:03,200 --> 01:27:04,486 would never be walking together! 1757 01:27:04,560 --> 01:27:07,484 Yeah, you're his boss and you two guys are enemies! 1758 01:27:07,560 --> 01:27:09,210 Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk! 1759 01:27:09,280 --> 01:27:11,009 Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek! 1760 01:27:11,120 --> 01:27:12,326 Yeah, that's two different franchises. 1761 01:27:12,480 --> 01:27:14,050 Yeah, sorry, guys. She doesn't know. 1762 01:27:14,120 --> 01:27:16,487 Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 1763 01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:18,930 All right, let's go. 1764 01:27:20,160 --> 01:27:21,844 Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man. 1765 01:27:21,920 --> 01:27:23,490 Come on. 1766 01:27:31,960 --> 01:27:33,689 (slGHs) 1767 01:27:41,680 --> 01:27:44,331 This Patrick IVleighan's got a classy setup, huh? 1768 01:27:44,400 --> 01:27:45,447 IVlmm. 1769 01:27:50,160 --> 01:27:52,766 And there is our first impression. 1770 01:27:53,280 --> 01:27:55,282 Ms. Jackson? Mr. Ivleighan will see you now. 1771 01:27:55,360 --> 01:27:56,930 Oh, okay. Thank you. 1772 01:28:03,640 --> 01:28:06,041 Ah, Ms. Jackson. Do come in. 1773 01:28:06,600 --> 01:28:08,443 Mr. Nleighan, this is such an honor. 1774 01:28:08,600 --> 01:28:10,204 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 1775 01:28:10,280 --> 01:28:12,521 Not at all. It's my pleasure. Please, sit down. 1776 01:28:12,760 --> 01:28:14,888 Oh, this office is fucking awesome. 1777 01:28:14,960 --> 01:28:16,883 Yeah, totally. Hey, hey. 1778 01:28:17,120 --> 01:28:18,360 You ever bring chicks up here? 1779 01:28:19,280 --> 01:28:20,486 What do you think? 1780 01:28:20,720 --> 01:28:23,803 I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice. 1781 01:28:25,480 --> 01:28:26,925 I'll get right down to it. 1782 01:28:27,200 --> 01:28:29,009 I don't want to waste too much of your time. 1783 01:28:30,800 --> 01:28:33,644 Ted, I've been reviewing your file. 1784 01:28:33,920 --> 01:28:36,241 And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, 1785 01:28:36,320 --> 01:28:39,529 I'm sorry to say I won't be taking your case. 1786 01:28:39,640 --> 01:28:40,721 What? Why? 1787 01:28:40,800 --> 01:28:41,801 Why not? 1788 01:28:41,960 --> 01:28:43,724 Well, it comes down to this. 1789 01:28:45,840 --> 01:28:48,605 You want to be human in the eyes of the law. 1790 01:28:48,960 --> 01:28:51,327 That's a hard sell, even for me. 1791 01:28:51,840 --> 01:28:54,241 See, the important thing about being human 1792 01:28:54,320 --> 01:28:56,721 is making a contribution to society. 1793 01:28:56,800 --> 01:28:59,167 Assisting in the betterment of your race. 1794 01:28:59,560 --> 01:29:01,324 You've done none of that. 1795 01:29:01,520 --> 01:29:03,124 I've read about your life. 1796 01:29:03,280 --> 01:29:06,489 The drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests. 1797 01:29:06,560 --> 01:29:08,961 Mr. Ivleighan, we've come along way to meet you 1798 01:29:09,040 --> 01:29:10,690 because you said that you could help us. 1799 01:29:11,000 --> 01:29:12,923 I said I would consider it. 1800 01:29:13,520 --> 01:29:14,851 And I have. 1801 01:29:16,200 --> 01:29:18,521 Ted, you're special. 1802 01:29:18,840 --> 01:29:21,241 You could've been an inspiration to the world. 1803 01:29:21,400 --> 01:29:23,562 Could've been a leader, a role model. 1804 01:29:24,520 --> 01:29:26,170 Instead you're 1805 01:29:27,040 --> 01:29:28,201 Justin Bieber. 1806 01:29:28,720 --> 01:29:29,721 Fuck you! 1807 01:29:29,880 --> 01:29:31,120 Hey, Ted! Come on! I'm sorry. 1808 01:29:31,200 --> 01:29:33,202 He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me, I'm sorry. 1809 01:29:33,360 --> 01:29:34,691 There's just no indication 1810 01:29:34,760 --> 01:29:37,684 that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. 1811 01:29:37,840 --> 01:29:40,525 Well, that's not true. He's had a positive effect on me. 1812 01:29:40,680 --> 01:29:43,570 Would that positive effect be yourjoint arrest 1813 01:29:43,640 --> 01:29:45,961 for purchasing marijuana in 2003? 1814 01:29:46,040 --> 01:29:48,771 Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert? 1815 01:29:50,600 --> 01:29:52,648 You know why you lost this case? 1816 01:29:54,240 --> 01:29:56,242 It can't be argued by reason. 1817 01:29:56,600 --> 01:29:59,729 The precedent it sets would affect the public directly. 1818 01:29:59,920 --> 01:30:03,208 And unfortunately, the public doesn'tjudge by reason. 1819 01:30:03,280 --> 01:30:05,487 It judges by emotion. 1820 01:30:06,880 --> 01:30:09,690 And you can't appeal an emotional conviction. 1821 01:30:10,120 --> 01:30:13,567 Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your efforts. 1822 01:30:15,920 --> 01:30:17,410 He needs help. 1823 01:30:17,920 --> 01:30:19,410 And from what I know about you, 1824 01:30:19,600 --> 01:30:21,967 at one point in your career that would've been enough. 1825 01:30:22,840 --> 01:30:26,242 I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be. 1826 01:30:34,960 --> 01:30:36,803 Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like, to take? 1827 01:30:38,920 --> 01:30:41,161 Those aren't supposed to be out. 1828 01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:54,328 So that's it. I'm property. 1829 01:30:55,120 --> 01:30:57,009 No rights, no nothing. 1830 01:30:57,600 --> 01:31:00,649 Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks. 1831 01:31:01,000 --> 01:31:02,445 I feel terrible. 1832 01:31:03,080 --> 01:31:04,969 I let you guys down all over again. 1833 01:31:05,080 --> 01:31:08,289 Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. 1834 01:31:09,520 --> 01:31:11,090 And, look, regardless of all this shit, 1835 01:31:11,160 --> 01:31:13,766 you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 1836 01:31:19,960 --> 01:31:20,961 Oh. Oh, that... 1837 01:31:21,200 --> 01:31:22,326 That's great! That's fucking great! 1838 01:31:22,400 --> 01:31:23,447 I'm glad you guys are so happy! 1839 01:31:23,520 --> 01:31:24,567 What? 1840 01:31:24,640 --> 01:31:26,608 What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here. 1841 01:31:26,680 --> 01:31:29,206 And you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, 1842 01:31:29,280 --> 01:31:30,964 and she's probably still fucking billing us! 1843 01:31:31,040 --> 01:31:33,122 Well, don't yell at us, dude! We didn't do anything! 1844 01:31:33,280 --> 01:31:34,566 Yeah, exactly! Exactly! 1845 01:31:34,640 --> 01:31:37,769 Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other, 1846 01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:40,684 Sam could've won this thing and lwouldn't be a fucking thing! 1847 01:31:40,760 --> 01:31:42,922 Like garbage or a piece of shit! 1848 01:31:43,360 --> 01:31:45,727 Hey, we've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. 1849 01:31:45,800 --> 01:31:46,847 And remember, you're the one 1850 01:31:46,920 --> 01:31:47,921 who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. 1851 01:31:48,000 --> 01:31:49,923 I finally meet someone and you're giving me shit for it? 1852 01:31:50,000 --> 01:31:51,604 Oh, no, you're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. 1853 01:31:51,680 --> 01:31:52,761 You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. 1854 01:31:52,840 --> 01:31:55,286 I got no job, no marriage and no life! 1855 01:31:55,360 --> 01:31:58,443 But you have fun porking Gollum here, while I'm left with shit! 1856 01:31:58,600 --> 01:31:59,681 Ted! 1857 01:31:59,840 --> 01:32:00,887 Who's Gollum? 1858 01:32:00,960 --> 01:32:03,008 She's a model. Ted, come back! 1859 01:32:03,200 --> 01:32:04,281 Leave me alone! 1860 01:32:04,400 --> 01:32:05,526 JOHN: Ted! SAIVIANTHAZ Ted! 1861 01:32:06,840 --> 01:32:08,046 (slGHs) 1862 01:32:09,680 --> 01:32:10,806 Shit. 1863 01:32:21,360 --> 01:32:22,361 MAN: \/Vhoa. 1864 01:32:23,360 --> 01:32:24,441 Sorry, bro. 1865 01:33:01,760 --> 01:33:03,205 GUY: Hey, Ted! 1866 01:33:05,240 --> 01:33:06,321 Guy? 1867 01:33:06,400 --> 01:33:07,811 I thought that was you. What's happening, man? 1868 01:33:07,880 --> 01:33:09,882 Hey, Rick! It is Ted. 1869 01:33:09,960 --> 01:33:11,007 Hey, how you doing? 1870 01:33:11,360 --> 01:33:13,249 Hey, what's going on? What are you doing here? 1871 01:33:13,360 --> 01:33:17,763 (SIGHS) I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here? 1872 01:33:18,040 --> 01:33:20,646 Well, you know, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag. 1873 01:33:20,720 --> 01:33:24,042 Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. 1874 01:33:24,160 --> 01:33:25,366 Hey, spaz_ 1875 01:33:25,440 --> 01:33:28,330 Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh? 1876 01:33:28,440 --> 01:33:29,680 01:33:32,286 (BQTHLAUGH) 1878 01:33:32,520 --> 01:33:35,490 Uh-huh. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. 1879 01:33:35,880 --> 01:33:37,166 Right on. You, too, man. 1880 01:33:38,200 --> 01:33:40,601 God damn it, that underwear had shit on it! 1881 01:33:48,600 --> 01:33:50,204 Yeah, I have a question for David Hasselhoff. 1882 01:33:50,280 --> 01:33:51,327 Yes, sir. 1883 01:33:51,640 --> 01:33:55,087 Did you find it difficult as an actor, playing opposite a car? 1884 01:33:55,320 --> 01:33:58,085 You know, that is a very good question. 1885 01:33:58,240 --> 01:34:00,208 As an actor, you rely on subtle 1886 01:34:00,320 --> 01:34:03,164 facial changes and cues from your co-stars. 1887 01:34:03,280 --> 01:34:05,123 Uh, you don't get that with a car. 1888 01:34:05,360 --> 01:34:07,124 But after awhile, 1889 01:34:07,200 --> 01:34:09,248 you get used to it, it becomes the norm. 1890 01:34:09,320 --> 01:34:10,970 Thank you. Thank you. 1891 01:34:11,080 --> 01:34:13,082 Uh, yeah, excuse me. I have a question. Um... 1892 01:34:13,320 --> 01:34:15,482 Exactly how many beers did you have 1893 01:34:15,560 --> 01:34:17,289 before you got naked with that hamburger? 1894 01:34:17,360 --> 01:34:19,283 You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. 1895 01:34:19,360 --> 01:34:22,170 That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now. 1896 01:34:22,360 --> 01:34:24,362 KITT: You know what? Can I just jump in here for a second? 1897 01:34:24,600 --> 01:34:27,001 You're a real scumbag for asking that question. 1898 01:34:27,080 --> 01:34:28,206 What? It's a fair question. 1899 01:34:28,280 --> 01:34:29,520 No, you know what? You know what? 1900 01:34:29,640 --> 01:34:30,721 Let me tell you something about this man. 1901 01:34:30,800 --> 01:34:32,689 KITT, it's all right. Just let it go, huh? 1902 01:34:32,760 --> 01:34:33,966 No, no- I want him to hear this- 1903 01:34:34,040 --> 01:34:35,804 Let me tell you something. After the show ended, 1904 01:34:35,880 --> 01:34:37,644 I got nothing but shit work, all right? 1905 01:34:37,720 --> 01:34:39,848 I was playing snow plows, tractors, 1906 01:34:39,920 --> 01:34:41,604 I was even cast as a lawnmower_ 1907 01:34:41,680 --> 01:34:43,205 Now, that was a real low point for me, 1908 01:34:43,320 --> 01:34:45,402 and this man, sitting next to me, 1909 01:34:45,480 --> 01:34:47,608 at this very low point in my life, 1910 01:34:47,680 --> 01:34:49,125 wrote me a check... 1911 01:34:49,200 --> 01:34:50,326 Aw, come on, pal. Come on. 1912 01:34:50,400 --> 01:34:52,050 No, no. I want everyone to hear this, 1913 01:34:52,120 --> 01:34:54,248 because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff 1914 01:34:54,320 --> 01:34:56,561 You are a good man. You saved me 1915 01:34:56,640 --> 01:34:57,971 with your generosity. 1916 01:34:58,480 --> 01:34:59,811 (VOICE BREAKING) You are the most... 1917 01:35:00,840 --> 01:35:03,923 I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. 1918 01:35:04,000 --> 01:35:05,411 I just love you, buddy. 1919 01:35:05,480 --> 01:35:07,801 I just love you so much. 1920 01:35:07,880 --> 01:35:10,360 (SOBS) I love you so much. Oh, God. 1921 01:35:10,480 --> 01:35:13,051 I love you too, pal. I really do. (SOBBING) 1922 01:35:13,120 --> 01:35:14,167 I love you. 1923 01:35:14,720 --> 01:35:16,722 So, like, 25 beers, or what? 1924 01:35:16,840 --> 01:35:18,330 (ENGINE REVVING) Piece of shit! Get out of here! 1925 01:35:18,440 --> 01:35:20,124 Whoa, whoa, whoa, man! What the fuck? 1926 01:35:20,200 --> 01:35:22,362 You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man! 1927 01:35:22,440 --> 01:35:23,930 KITT, he's not worth it. 1928 01:35:24,000 --> 01:35:25,525 Get out of here! What? He's a celebrity. 1929 01:35:25,600 --> 01:35:27,329 His personal life is our business. 1930 01:35:27,400 --> 01:35:29,050 Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit. 1931 01:35:29,160 --> 01:35:30,889 I will run you down like roadkill_ 1932 01:35:30,960 --> 01:35:33,247 Hey, I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac. 1933 01:35:33,320 --> 01:35:35,049 Get out! Get the fuck out! 1934 01:35:35,120 --> 01:35:36,963 You're a psycho, dude. Seriously, you're a psycho. 1935 01:35:37,040 --> 01:35:38,530 Get some therapy. Get out! 1936 01:35:39,520 --> 01:35:40,806 Crazy son of a bitch. 1937 01:35:41,880 --> 01:35:43,041 Jesus Christ. 1938 01:35:44,120 --> 01:35:45,167 Hey. 1939 01:35:45,880 --> 01:35:47,006 Are you Ted? 1940 01:35:47,280 --> 01:35:48,964 Uh,yeah. 1941 01:35:49,240 --> 01:35:50,241 01:35:51,731 This is so exciting! 1943 01:35:51,800 --> 01:35:54,121 I was such a big fan of yours in the early '90s_ 1944 01:35:54,360 --> 01:35:57,091 Oh, thanks a lot. What's your name? 1945 01:35:57,240 --> 01:35:58,730 I'm Raphael. 1946 01:35:58,800 --> 01:36:00,802 Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you? 1947 01:36:01,080 --> 01:36:02,525 Uh, yeah, yeah. No problem. 1948 01:36:02,600 --> 01:36:04,409 Great, great! Here, follow me. 1949 01:36:06,160 --> 01:36:08,447 Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here? 1950 01:36:08,600 --> 01:36:09,681 Well, you're a celebrity. 1951 01:36:09,760 --> 01:36:11,922 I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you. 1952 01:36:12,000 --> 01:36:14,890 Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today. 1953 01:36:14,960 --> 01:36:16,041 All right, let's do this. 1954 01:36:20,840 --> 01:36:22,729 Holy shit! Donny! 1955 01:36:23,200 --> 01:36:25,168 It's so good to see you, Ted. 1956 01:36:26,160 --> 01:36:27,525 It's been some time, hasn't it? 1957 01:36:27,840 --> 01:36:30,002 What, you mean since you ripped me in half? 1958 01:36:31,000 --> 01:36:32,729 That wasn't supposed to happen. 1959 01:36:32,880 --> 01:36:34,370 That was an accident. 1960 01:36:35,200 --> 01:36:37,441 I have some big plans for you, Ted. 1961 01:36:38,200 --> 01:36:39,690 Very big plans. 1962 01:36:40,160 --> 01:36:41,810 I need you to come with me now. 1963 01:36:41,960 --> 01:36:42,927 Go to hell! 1964 01:36:43,000 --> 01:36:44,001 (GRUNTS) 1965 01:36:56,080 --> 01:36:57,844 RICK: Nice lunch, spaz. 1966 01:37:07,640 --> 01:37:09,085 Hey! What the hell! 1967 01:37:13,680 --> 01:37:15,409 He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. 1968 01:37:15,480 --> 01:37:16,811 We should just wait by the car. 1969 01:37:16,880 --> 01:37:18,450 What do you mean? We have to find him, okay? 1970 01:37:18,560 --> 01:37:20,608 He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes_ 1971 01:37:20,680 --> 01:37:22,364 (SCOFFS) (CELLPHONE RINGING) 1972 01:37:24,400 --> 01:37:25,447 Hello? 1973 01:37:25,520 --> 01:37:27,329 Johnny, Johnny, it's me. You got to help me. 1974 01:37:27,400 --> 01:37:29,721 Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you. 1975 01:37:29,920 --> 01:37:33,402 I'm at Comic Con, but, John, it's Donny! He's here! 1976 01:37:33,520 --> 01:37:34,965 He's after me. You got to get over here. 1977 01:37:35,040 --> 01:37:36,644 What the fuck? Did you just say "Donny"? 1978 01:37:36,720 --> 01:37:37,801 John, what's going on? 1979 01:37:37,880 --> 01:37:39,450 Yes, it's him! He's... 1980 01:37:41,360 --> 01:37:42,566 Oh, Shit! 1981 01:37:45,960 --> 01:37:47,564 Ted! Ted, hello? 1982 01:37:47,840 --> 01:37:49,649 What's the matter? Oh, my God. Déjé vu. 1983 01:37:49,920 --> 01:37:51,410 We got to get to Comic Con. Come on! 1984 01:37:56,080 --> 01:37:57,764 Get out of the way! 1985 01:38:09,440 --> 01:38:10,930 You know, 1986 01:38:11,960 --> 01:38:14,122 I really love that Neil Diamond. 1987 01:38:14,800 --> 01:38:19,601 Especially that song they sing at the Red Sox games. 1988 01:38:21,400 --> 01:38:23,289 It's just so infectious. 1989 01:38:23,840 --> 01:38:26,002 You just can't help but sing along. 1990 01:38:27,160 --> 01:38:31,484 (SINGING) Hands touching hands 1991 01:38:33,080 --> 01:38:35,048 Reaching out 1992 01:38:36,040 --> 01:38:41,490 Touching me, touching you 1993 01:38:41,880 --> 01:38:45,566 Sweet Caroline 1994 01:38:45,640 --> 01:38:47,051 Bah, bah, bah! 1995 01:38:47,120 --> 01:38:48,121 Fuck! 1996 01:38:48,840 --> 01:38:49,966 Crazy son of a bitch! 1997 01:38:50,680 --> 01:38:52,011 (TED GRUNTING) 1998 01:38:53,600 --> 01:38:54,726 MAN: Hey! 1999 01:38:54,800 --> 01:38:56,131 What are you doing to that bear? 2000 01:38:56,560 --> 01:38:57,800 I'm sorry. I, uh... 2001 01:38:57,960 --> 01:38:59,724 You better be planning on buying that! 2002 01:39:00,320 --> 01:39:02,527 He just reminds me of when I was a kid. 2003 01:39:02,600 --> 01:39:03,567 Yeah, that's great. 2004 01:39:03,640 --> 01:39:04,641 $40. 2005 01:39:04,720 --> 01:39:06,006 Okay. 2006 01:39:07,160 --> 01:39:08,650 I have $40, here. 2007 01:39:18,520 --> 01:39:19,567 You see him anywhere? 2008 01:39:19,680 --> 01:39:21,409 No. Let's try in there. 2009 01:39:24,520 --> 01:39:27,205 Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here? 2010 01:39:27,280 --> 01:39:29,328 Shh_ Tney're about to announce the new Superman. 2011 01:39:29,440 --> 01:39:32,011 The new Superman is... 2012 01:39:32,320 --> 01:39:33,560 Jonah Hill! 2013 01:39:33,800 --> 01:39:34,847 Fuck! 2014 01:39:34,920 --> 01:39:36,331 Who's Superman? What? 2015 01:39:36,400 --> 01:39:38,448 I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you. Come on! 2016 01:39:39,280 --> 01:39:41,521 And if that is not big enough news, 2017 01:39:41,600 --> 01:39:44,444 Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line 2018 01:39:44,520 --> 01:39:47,364 of Transformers merchandise next fall. 2019 01:39:47,600 --> 01:39:49,011 (CHEERING) 2020 01:39:49,440 --> 01:39:51,044 We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons.__ 2021 01:39:51,120 --> 01:39:52,121 Hey! 2022 01:39:52,200 --> 01:39:53,531 ...that is gonna be... Fresh cakes. 2023 01:39:53,600 --> 01:39:55,125 Fresh cakes. 2024 01:39:56,200 --> 01:39:57,531 Fresh cakes. 2025 01:39:59,840 --> 01:40:00,887 Comic Con fans, 2026 01:40:00,960 --> 01:40:02,803 let's take a look at this thrilling sizzle reel 2027 01:40:02,880 --> 01:40:04,689 with all of our exciting new toys. 2028 01:40:05,280 --> 01:40:06,327 Take a look. 2029 01:40:06,400 --> 01:40:07,561 (CHEERING) 2030 01:40:12,560 --> 01:40:14,927 Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs. 2031 01:40:15,000 --> 01:40:16,001 Is that him? 2032 01:40:16,080 --> 01:40:18,082 Yeah, there was an issue, so he's 2033 01:40:18,160 --> 01:40:19,650 unconscious now, but yeah, this is him. 2034 01:40:19,720 --> 01:40:21,927 Jesus! Why did you bring him here? 2035 01:40:22,000 --> 01:40:24,128 I've been following him around since yesterday. 2036 01:40:24,200 --> 01:40:27,647 This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast. 2037 01:40:27,720 --> 01:40:28,767 Hey,Ted! 2038 01:40:30,600 --> 01:40:31,647 Isthatyou? 2039 01:40:31,720 --> 01:40:33,688 Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. 2040 01:40:33,760 --> 01:40:36,730 He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller 2041 01:40:36,840 --> 01:40:39,320 so we're gonna take him back and sober him up. 2042 01:40:39,400 --> 01:40:41,164 Ah, rock on, Ted. 2043 01:40:41,240 --> 01:40:42,366 Eff yeah. 2044 01:40:42,440 --> 01:40:46,240 Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch. 2045 01:40:46,800 --> 01:40:48,609 Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man. 2046 01:40:55,240 --> 01:40:56,526 Hey, Johnny. 2047 01:40:56,600 --> 01:40:57,647 Guy? 2048 01:40:57,920 --> 01:41:00,241 IVlan, it's a goddamn party here today. 2049 01:41:00,560 --> 01:41:02,403 Hey, I remember you from the wedding. 2050 01:41:02,560 --> 01:41:04,449 You get a nose job? No. 2051 01:41:04,760 --> 01:41:06,444 Yes, you did, you fucking liar. 2052 01:41:06,520 --> 01:41:08,090 Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted. 2053 01:41:08,160 --> 01:41:09,207 Ted? Where is he? 2054 01:41:09,280 --> 01:41:12,602 He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up. 2055 01:41:12,760 --> 01:41:13,761 Did you see which way they went? 2056 01:41:13,920 --> 01:41:15,684 Yeah, yeah. Back hallway, past the photo booth. 2057 01:41:15,760 --> 01:41:16,921 Come on! 2058 01:41:17,720 --> 01:41:18,960 Thirsty, Urkel? 2059 01:41:20,280 --> 01:41:21,964 I fucking love this place. 2060 01:41:28,680 --> 01:41:29,681 (GRUNTS) 2061 01:41:30,960 --> 01:41:33,566 What the fuck? What the fuck's going on here? 2062 01:41:33,720 --> 01:41:34,801 Who the hell are you? 2063 01:41:35,000 --> 01:41:37,401 He really is extraordinary, isn't he? 2064 01:41:37,480 --> 01:41:39,881 You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping! 2065 01:41:40,040 --> 01:41:41,804 No, it's not. 2066 01:41:42,040 --> 01:41:46,489 Kidnapping only applies to people. And you, Ted, you're property. 2067 01:41:46,600 --> 01:41:48,489 Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece. 2068 01:41:52,280 --> 01:41:53,805 What do you say there, happy face? 2069 01:41:54,000 --> 01:41:57,083 Right there. Death to Ming. Yeah! Come on. All right. 2070 01:41:57,160 --> 01:41:58,650 Happy QUV- 2071 01:41:58,840 --> 01:42:02,162 Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah. 2072 01:42:04,000 --> 01:42:05,240 Hey, Bennett! 2073 01:42:06,640 --> 01:42:07,641 Oh, Shit! 2074 01:42:07,720 --> 01:42:09,165 You messed up my car. 2075 01:42:09,240 --> 01:42:10,810 What the hell is wrong with you? 2076 01:42:10,880 --> 01:42:13,486 Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted. 2077 01:42:13,560 --> 01:42:17,042 But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though. 2078 01:42:17,120 --> 01:42:18,884 Hey, fuck your Chrysler! 2079 01:42:19,400 --> 01:42:20,526 (YELLS) 2080 01:42:24,560 --> 01:42:25,891 (Rll=>s) (GASPS) 2081 01:42:28,240 --> 01:42:29,446 Holy shit! 2082 01:42:29,520 --> 01:42:31,841 Look, Donny, Donny! You don't wanna do this! Okay? 2083 01:42:32,160 --> 01:42:33,844 Think about what happened at Fenway. 2084 01:42:33,920 --> 01:42:37,447 You remember? You cut me open, that's it! I'm gone, dead! 2085 01:42:38,040 --> 01:42:39,610 Just a regular old teddy bear. 2086 01:42:39,680 --> 01:42:41,728 I won't be any fun then, will I? 2087 01:42:42,040 --> 01:42:43,690 This isn't about you, Ted. 2088 01:42:44,240 --> 01:42:45,765 You're only one bear. 2089 01:42:46,080 --> 01:42:47,764 We're gonna figure out what makes you real, 2090 01:42:47,840 --> 01:42:49,410 and then we're gonna make millions of Teds. 2091 01:42:49,480 --> 01:42:51,448 One for every child in the world. 2092 01:42:52,000 --> 01:42:53,365 One for me. 2093 01:42:55,400 --> 01:42:58,290 One that loves me just as much as you love John. 2094 01:42:58,560 --> 01:43:01,131 Look, Donny, I can never love you. 2095 01:43:01,320 --> 01:43:04,051 God, that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die. 2096 01:43:04,240 --> 01:43:05,287 Okay? So, uh... 2097 01:43:05,640 --> 01:43:07,404 What if I gave you a hand job outside 2098 01:43:07,480 --> 01:43:09,244 your pants while you ate an ice cream? 2099 01:43:12,400 --> 01:43:14,084 I'll give you a minute. 2100 01:43:15,320 --> 01:43:16,526 (SAM GRUNTING) 2101 01:43:20,400 --> 01:43:21,401 Come here! 2102 01:43:23,200 --> 01:43:24,406 (GRUNTING) 2103 01:43:27,720 --> 01:43:28,926 (SCREAMING) 2104 01:43:33,240 --> 01:43:34,241 (YELLS) 2105 01:43:38,360 --> 01:43:39,407 (GASPS) 2106 01:43:39,720 --> 01:43:40,960 (YELUNG) 2107 01:43:42,840 --> 01:43:44,444 (SCREAMING) 2108 01:43:55,040 --> 01:43:56,644 Hey, check it out. Nerd fight. 2109 01:43:57,000 --> 01:43:58,001 Ah! 2110 01:44:02,120 --> 01:44:03,121 (\/vHool=>lNG) 2111 01:44:04,600 --> 01:44:05,601 (SCREECHWG) 2112 01:44:09,920 --> 01:44:10,967 Come here. 2113 01:44:17,120 --> 01:44:18,246 Come on. 2114 01:44:24,920 --> 01:44:26,763 I'll see you in heaven, Ted. 2115 01:44:34,240 --> 01:44:35,890 Ted! Johnny! 2116 01:44:36,080 --> 01:44:37,127 Who the hell are you? 2117 01:44:37,640 --> 01:44:39,529 Get away from him, you bastard! 2118 01:44:39,600 --> 01:44:41,682 Ted, you okay, buddy? Johnny, thank God! 2119 01:44:41,760 --> 01:44:42,761 I'm out. 2120 01:44:42,880 --> 01:44:45,201 Wait, IVIr. Jessup, please don't go. Come on, we can still do this. 2121 01:44:45,280 --> 01:44:47,931 You're on your own, Danny. I can't be implicated in any of this. 2122 01:44:48,000 --> 01:44:49,161 Wait, wait, wait. Who are you? 2123 01:44:49,480 --> 01:44:51,005 I work for Mattel. 2124 01:44:53,000 --> 01:44:54,331 You piece of shit. 2125 01:44:54,480 --> 01:44:56,687 Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? 2126 01:44:57,280 --> 01:44:58,441 What do you wanna do now? 2127 01:44:58,560 --> 01:45:02,087 You don't deserve him, John. You never did. You never did! 2128 01:45:02,360 --> 01:45:04,408 I've been wanting to do this for a long time. 2129 01:45:06,840 --> 01:45:07,887 TED: A-ha! I fucking knew it! 2130 01:45:09,040 --> 01:45:10,326 Come on. 2131 01:45:22,000 --> 01:45:25,083 Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you how sorry I am. 2132 01:45:25,240 --> 01:45:26,446 No, forget it, buddy. 2133 01:45:26,520 --> 01:45:29,330 Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed it off. I'm so sorry. 2134 01:45:29,400 --> 01:45:30,481 No, listen to me. 2135 01:45:30,560 --> 01:45:32,847 Just listen to me. You, too, Sam. 2136 01:45:32,920 --> 01:45:34,888 I acted like an asshole. 2137 01:45:34,960 --> 01:45:38,567 All right? I was just hurting because I knew I'd lost. 2138 01:45:39,320 --> 01:45:43,484 And that, in the eyes of the world, I'll always be property. 2139 01:45:44,200 --> 01:45:46,646 But you know what? Who gives a shit? Right? 2140 01:45:46,720 --> 01:45:50,008 It doesn't matter what the world calls me. I know who I am. 2141 01:45:50,400 --> 01:45:51,890 And that's all that's important. 2142 01:45:52,600 --> 01:45:54,364 And I know who my friends are. 2143 01:45:54,760 --> 01:45:56,046 And honest to God, 2144 01:45:56,160 --> 01:45:59,642 if you two want to be together, nothing would make me happier. 2145 01:46:00,040 --> 01:46:01,485 Aw, buddy, I love you for that. 2146 01:46:01,560 --> 01:46:03,449 Thanks, Ted. That means a lot. 2147 01:46:05,600 --> 01:46:08,922 And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned, 2148 01:46:09,520 --> 01:46:10,726 you're a person. 2149 01:46:11,200 --> 01:46:13,487 As much as anybody I've ever known. 2150 01:46:13,560 --> 01:46:18,407 Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State. 2151 01:46:34,760 --> 01:46:35,921 Ted! 2152 01:46:44,960 --> 01:46:46,246 Holy shit! Johnny! 2153 01:46:46,360 --> 01:46:48,203 Oh, my God. John! Johnny! 2154 01:46:48,280 --> 01:46:49,486 John! Oh,Jesus! 2155 01:46:49,560 --> 01:46:51,050 Are you okay? Johnny, you all right? 2156 01:46:51,120 --> 01:46:52,121 Shit. 2157 01:46:52,200 --> 01:46:53,531 John, hey. Oh, my God. 2158 01:46:53,600 --> 01:46:54,886 Jesus, what happened here? 2159 01:46:54,960 --> 01:46:56,291 The rocket ship just hit him! 2160 01:46:56,440 --> 01:46:58,727 Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise... Forget it. 2161 01:46:58,800 --> 01:47:00,211 Somebody call 911! 2162 01:47:00,280 --> 01:47:02,169 Johnny? John, come on, stay with me, pal. 2163 01:47:02,280 --> 01:47:04,567 We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th. 2164 01:47:04,640 --> 01:47:05,880 HOW the hell did it fall? 2165 01:47:05,960 --> 01:47:06,961 I don't know! 2166 01:47:10,000 --> 01:47:11,047 TED: It was him! 2167 01:47:11,120 --> 01:47:12,531 The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle! 2168 01:47:17,920 --> 01:47:18,967 Which one? 2169 01:47:19,160 --> 01:47:22,767 All right, two can play this Where's Waldo shit, you son of a bitch! 2170 01:47:22,840 --> 01:47:24,126 Sam, give me your phone. 2171 01:47:34,960 --> 01:47:36,883 (sos POP SONG l=>LAYING) 2172 01:47:44,320 --> 01:47:45,321 That's him. 2173 01:47:49,280 --> 01:47:50,327 Get off me! 2174 01:47:50,960 --> 01:47:52,200 Get off me! 2175 01:47:54,640 --> 01:47:55,846 Johnny? 2176 01:47:56,320 --> 01:47:57,481 Johnny, come on. 2177 01:47:58,120 --> 01:47:59,770 Johnny, you got to wake up, pal. 2178 01:48:00,360 --> 01:48:01,407 Johnny, wake up! 2179 01:48:02,160 --> 01:48:03,571 Wake up, Johnny. 2180 01:48:04,480 --> 01:48:05,891 Johnny. 2181 01:48:05,960 --> 01:48:07,371 Johnny, wake up! 2182 01:48:08,720 --> 01:48:10,563 Johnny, wake up. 2183 01:48:56,080 --> 01:48:58,924 Hi. How is he? Is he gonna come out of it? 2184 01:48:59,240 --> 01:49:02,130 I don't know, Ms. Jackson. We've done everything we can 2185 01:49:02,320 --> 01:49:04,322 and it's all up to him now. 2186 01:49:14,440 --> 01:49:15,601 John, 2187 01:49:16,440 --> 01:49:18,090 please wake up. 2188 01:49:22,960 --> 01:49:25,691 (HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING) 2189 01:49:26,720 --> 01:49:27,721 Somebody help! 2190 01:49:27,800 --> 01:49:29,370 Oh, my God, John! John? Johnny? 2191 01:49:29,520 --> 01:49:31,443 Hello? There's something happening. 2192 01:49:31,640 --> 01:49:32,687 Mr. Bennett? 2193 01:49:33,160 --> 01:49:35,083 Sometning's wrong. What's going on? What's happening to him? 2194 01:49:35,160 --> 01:49:36,605 Mr. Bennett? John? 2195 01:49:37,440 --> 01:49:39,807 We have a Code Blue in Room 134! What does that mean? 2196 01:49:39,880 --> 01:49:41,211 I'm sorry. You three are gonna have to wait outside. 2197 01:49:41,280 --> 01:49:42,520 What the hell is going on? Is he gonna be okay? 2198 01:49:42,600 --> 01:49:43,681 The doctors will do everything they can, 2199 01:49:43,760 --> 01:49:45,842 but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please. 2200 01:49:45,920 --> 01:49:47,081 Excuse me, excuse me. 2201 01:49:47,160 --> 01:49:48,207 What's the status? 2202 01:49:48,280 --> 01:49:49,884 He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive. 2203 01:49:49,960 --> 01:49:52,122 The monitor says he's in asystole. He's not breathing, no pulse. 2204 01:49:52,200 --> 01:49:53,804 Start compressions. Prepare to intubate_ 2205 01:49:53,920 --> 01:49:55,046 Give him a milligram of epinephrine. 2206 01:50:25,360 --> 01:50:27,010 I'm sorry. 2207 01:50:28,440 --> 01:50:29,646 He didn't make it. 2208 01:50:33,280 --> 01:50:34,361 What? 2209 01:50:35,840 --> 01:50:37,046 Johnny. 2210 01:50:37,800 --> 01:50:39,962 Lfyou'd like, you can go in 2211 01:50:40,040 --> 01:50:41,724 and say your goodbyes. 2212 01:51:21,560 --> 01:51:22,846 Johnny. 2213 01:51:25,040 --> 01:51:26,963 You were my thunder buddy. 2214 01:51:29,400 --> 01:51:31,801 You were my thunder buddy for life. 2215 01:51:34,160 --> 01:51:37,926 And you gave up your own life to save mine. 2216 01:51:41,200 --> 01:51:42,964 The only problem is 2217 01:51:45,240 --> 01:51:48,483 I don't know how my life works without you. 2218 01:51:52,800 --> 01:51:54,245 Goodbye, John. 2219 01:51:57,480 --> 01:51:59,369 I got you, motherfucker! (ALL SCREAMING) 2220 01:52:00,640 --> 01:52:03,166 Holy shit! Zombie! He's a fucking zombie! 2221 01:52:03,920 --> 01:52:05,604 I totally fucking got you! 2222 01:52:06,440 --> 01:52:07,566 Holy shit! 2223 01:52:07,640 --> 01:52:09,483 You should have seen your fucking face! 2224 01:52:09,720 --> 01:52:10,960 You son of a bitch! 2225 01:52:11,040 --> 01:52:12,565 That was fucking classic! 2226 01:52:12,640 --> 01:52:15,564 Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think that I was retarded! 2227 01:52:15,640 --> 01:52:17,051 You made me think you were retarded! 2228 01:52:17,120 --> 01:52:18,167 Oh! Well done! 2229 01:52:18,280 --> 01:52:20,044 Well done, man. High five. (LAUGHING) 2230 01:52:20,120 --> 01:52:21,167 High five. 2231 01:52:21,280 --> 01:52:23,282 What the fuck is going on? 2232 01:52:23,360 --> 01:52:27,524 What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. 2233 01:52:27,600 --> 01:52:30,171 You are the fucking greatest, man. Holy shit! 2234 01:52:30,600 --> 01:52:32,364 Wait. How was the doctor in on it? 2235 01:52:32,440 --> 01:52:34,522 They got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. 2236 01:52:34,640 --> 01:52:36,005 So I talked him into going along with the bit. 2237 01:52:36,080 --> 01:52:38,048 Hey, Doc, itworked out hilarious. Thanks. 2238 01:52:38,280 --> 01:52:40,282 No problem. We're a fun hospital. 2239 01:52:40,600 --> 01:52:43,763 You asshole! You think this shit is funny? 2240 01:52:44,000 --> 01:52:45,525 Do you know how devastated I was? 2241 01:52:45,600 --> 01:52:47,284 I put a frowny face on Facebook! 2242 01:52:47,360 --> 01:52:49,761 How am I supposed to explain that to everybody? 2243 01:52:50,040 --> 01:52:52,088 You could change your relationship status from "single" 2244 01:52:52,200 --> 01:52:54,362 to "it's complicated." 2245 01:52:54,800 --> 01:52:56,882 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. (SNIFFLING) 2246 01:52:57,840 --> 01:53:01,561 How about, "in a relationship with John Bennett"? 2247 01:53:02,360 --> 01:53:06,001 Well, we'll have to talk about that. 2248 01:53:10,880 --> 01:53:12,484 Okay, well, good talk. 2249 01:53:18,000 --> 01:53:19,331 Hey, if you guys want to bang, 2250 01:53:19,400 --> 01:53:20,811 me and Teddy can totally leave the room. 2251 01:53:20,880 --> 01:53:23,121 No, no, honey, honey, they're classy, they're not like us. 2252 01:53:23,200 --> 01:53:24,884 They're good people. 2253 01:53:25,080 --> 01:53:28,129 I'm happy to see everyone has made a full recovery. 2254 01:53:28,280 --> 01:53:29,361 Mr. Nleighan. What the hell? 2255 01:53:29,440 --> 01:53:30,566 Holy shit! 2256 01:53:30,640 --> 01:53:31,926 Is it all right if I come in? 2257 01:53:32,480 --> 01:53:33,891 Sure, yeah. 2258 01:53:34,840 --> 01:53:36,251 How are you feeling, John? 2259 01:53:36,640 --> 01:53:37,971 I'm alive. 2260 01:53:38,520 --> 01:53:40,010 You're very lucky. 2261 01:53:40,160 --> 01:53:42,083 I saw what you did on TV. 2262 01:53:42,240 --> 01:53:44,368 Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did. 2263 01:53:44,520 --> 01:53:47,330 You know why? Because he's a person. 2264 01:53:47,680 --> 01:53:48,806 And no matter how many 2265 01:53:48,880 --> 01:53:50,370 of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down, 2266 01:53:50,440 --> 01:53:51,646 you're not gonna change that. 2267 01:53:51,760 --> 01:53:53,171 Not in our eyes. 2268 01:53:53,360 --> 01:53:54,486 Ted is real. 2269 01:53:54,840 --> 01:53:56,365 So you can go fuck yourself. 2270 01:53:57,280 --> 01:53:58,611 I will. 2271 01:53:59,200 --> 01:54:01,771 And as soon as I'm done fucking myself, 2272 01:54:02,120 --> 01:54:04,122 I'd like to take your case, Ted. 2273 01:54:04,360 --> 01:54:05,441 What? Seriously? 2274 01:54:05,520 --> 01:54:07,124 TED: Oh, my God! You heard that? 2275 01:54:07,200 --> 01:54:09,089 Oh, my gosh! TED: I don't believe it! (CLEARS THROAT) 2276 01:54:10,400 --> 01:54:12,004 Maybe we don't want you now. Shut up. 2277 01:54:12,080 --> 01:54:14,048 No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you. 2278 01:54:14,120 --> 01:54:16,009 What made you change your mind? 2279 01:54:16,200 --> 01:54:18,328 Well, when I saw what John did for you, 2280 01:54:19,160 --> 01:54:21,891 that he was willing to give his life for yours, 2281 01:54:22,320 --> 01:54:24,322 it gave me a kick in the ass. 2282 01:54:24,400 --> 01:54:27,609 Reminded me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. 2283 01:54:28,840 --> 01:54:31,047 I'm sorry I turned you away. 2284 01:54:31,120 --> 01:54:32,485 I was wrong. 2285 01:54:33,240 --> 01:54:34,810 As far as I'm concerned, 2286 01:54:35,040 --> 01:54:39,204 anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person 2287 01:54:39,280 --> 01:54:41,169 deserves to be called human. 2288 01:54:42,320 --> 01:54:43,401 You mean it? 2289 01:54:43,520 --> 01:54:45,090 I certainly do. 2290 01:54:45,960 --> 01:54:46,961 So, 2291 01:54:47,240 --> 01:54:48,890 shall we get started? 2292 01:54:59,200 --> 01:55:00,850 What defines a person? 2293 01:55:03,280 --> 01:55:05,009 What defines property? 2294 01:55:06,160 --> 01:55:07,764 What's the difference? 2295 01:55:09,480 --> 01:55:13,804 The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes 2296 01:55:14,160 --> 01:55:19,291 argues that the standards for personhood include self-awareness, 2297 01:55:19,960 --> 01:55:23,123 an ability to understand complex emotions 2298 01:55:23,440 --> 01:55:26,011 and a capacity for empathy. 2299 01:55:27,840 --> 01:55:32,801 We're all in agreement that Ted is self-aware. 2300 01:55:35,240 --> 01:55:36,401 What is your name? 2301 01:55:36,960 --> 01:55:38,530 Ted Clubber Lang. 2302 01:55:43,240 --> 01:55:46,687 As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, 2303 01:55:47,440 --> 01:55:49,681 we all saw the distressing images 2304 01:55:49,760 --> 01:55:52,240 of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend, 2305 01:55:52,720 --> 01:55:53,801 John Bennett. 2306 01:55:54,280 --> 01:55:55,964 In those images, 2307 01:55:56,080 --> 01:56:01,120 Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood_ 2308 01:56:03,240 --> 01:56:05,641 it's right there for anyone to see. 2309 01:56:06,840 --> 01:56:11,209 And I believe that a just court must, by definition, 2310 01:56:12,040 --> 01:56:15,886 grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them, 2311 01:56:17,160 --> 01:56:19,891 just as the Emancipation Proclamation 2312 01:56:20,160 --> 01:56:23,687 and the Thirteenth Amendment did so many years ago. 2313 01:56:26,280 --> 01:56:28,886 So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, 2314 01:56:31,080 --> 01:56:33,003 I invite you 2315 01:56:34,360 --> 01:56:36,567 to change the world. 2316 01:56:38,840 --> 01:56:40,410 (ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 2317 01:56:56,160 --> 01:56:59,323 Well, Johnny, this is the second time you've made me real. 2318 01:57:00,040 --> 01:57:01,201 Thanks, pal. 2319 01:57:01,280 --> 01:57:03,169 Hey, you were always real to me, buddy. 2320 01:57:03,320 --> 01:57:04,481 Even when you weren't. 2321 01:57:04,640 --> 01:57:05,880 Congratulations, Ted. 2322 01:57:06,280 --> 01:57:07,566 Thanks, Sam. 2323 01:57:09,520 --> 01:57:10,567 FEMALE REPORTER: Ted! 2324 01:57:10,880 --> 01:57:12,769 MAN 1: Ted! MAN 2: Ted! Over here! 2325 01:57:12,840 --> 01:57:14,080 Ted! 2326 01:57:15,440 --> 01:57:17,249 This is quite a victory for you. 2327 01:57:17,320 --> 01:57:19,402 Is there any statement that you'd like to make 2328 01:57:19,480 --> 01:57:20,925 now that you're legally a person? 2329 01:57:21,440 --> 01:57:22,885 Yes, there is. 2330 01:57:25,280 --> 01:57:26,805 Tami-Lynn IVlcCafferty, 2331 01:57:27,160 --> 01:57:28,844 will you marry me? 2332 01:57:30,400 --> 01:57:31,606 YSS. 2333 01:57:31,800 --> 01:57:33,086 (ALL cHEERING) 2334 01:57:37,320 --> 01:57:40,085 MALE NARRATOR: And so our story comes to an end. 2335 01:57:40,440 --> 01:57:43,410 Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, 2336 01:57:43,480 --> 01:57:48,202 and soon afterward, they adopted a fine, young baby boy. 2337 01:57:48,440 --> 01:57:50,602 Johnny, meet your new godson, 2338 01:57:50,760 --> 01:57:52,524 Apollo Creed Clubber Lang. 2339 01:57:52,600 --> 01:57:54,682 JOHN: Oh, Teddy, he's adorable. 2340 01:57:54,840 --> 01:57:57,525 Oh! And we got something for him, too. John, show him. 2341 01:57:57,600 --> 01:57:59,045 Oh, shit, yeah. Hold on. 2342 01:57:59,120 --> 01:58:00,565 TAMI-LYNN: He got you something. 2343 01:58:02,160 --> 01:58:03,207 Huh? 2344 01:58:03,280 --> 01:58:04,725 Oh, Johnny! 2345 01:58:04,880 --> 01:58:06,769 TAMI-LYNN: Oh, Johnny, it's perfect. 2346 01:58:06,920 --> 01:58:09,764 Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, 2347 01:58:09,920 --> 01:58:11,251 maybe he'll come to life 2348 01:58:11,400 --> 01:58:13,562 and you guys can do all kinds of drugs together. 2349 01:58:13,840 --> 01:58:15,569 That's all I want for him. 2350 01:58:15,640 --> 01:58:19,565 Oh! It smells like somebody's got a poopy diaper. 2351 01:58:19,720 --> 01:58:20,926 Teddy, it's your turn to change him. 2352 01:58:21,200 --> 01:58:22,565 Oh, yeah, no problem. 2353 01:58:23,360 --> 01:58:25,806 TED: Oh! Fuck me! TAMI-LYNN: What's the matter? 2354 01:58:25,880 --> 01:58:27,689 TED: That can't be normal. He's got to be sick. 2355 01:58:27,760 --> 01:58:29,683 TAMI-LYNN: He's not sick, it's just baby doody_ 2356 01:58:29,760 --> 01:58:31,046 JOHN: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy. 2357 01:58:31,160 --> 01:58:33,049 TED: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross? JOHN: No. 2358 01:58:33,160 --> 01:58:34,571 TED: All right. Here, catch. (DIAPER SQUISHING) 2359 01:58:34,640 --> 01:58:37,086 JOHN: oh, Teddy, what the fuck? (scREAlvllNG) 2360 01:58:37,200 --> 01:58:40,170 (TED LAUGHING) Holy shit! Oh, you motherfucker! 2361 01:58:40,320 --> 01:58:43,085 (CAMERA CLICKING) TED: Hashtag "Shit happens- " 2362 01:58:43,480 --> 01:58:44,970 (BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING) 2362 01:58:45,305 --> 01:58:51,158 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org