(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Unbelievable, this guy.
Hi.
How's that seafood tower treating you?
Oh, delicioso, Ari. You really outdid yourself this time.
Seriously, I mean, this dinner is even better
than the one you took us to when you signed Vince.
E wasn't around for that one, you know? He's making up for lost time
ordering three different types of caviar.
Until I see your credit card you're still a dine-and-dash candidate
- as far as I'm concerned. - Oh!
Seriously, Ari, the guys are right.
You pulled out all the stops. Thank you.
ARl: Hey, Vinnie is officially a superstar.
Number one movie in the country.
Theme park ride. Thank you!
Cheers. There you go, raise it up!
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Mmm. Ah.
So tell us about the ride, Ari.
AQUAMAN: The Ride... water theme, obviously.
Studio is going nuts over it. Did you see the commercial?
- No. I don't really have to go, do I? - You got to go.
Head of the studio's going, that means you're going.
I'll go just to see you doing Mach 10 in a water flume.
- Yeah! - ARl: No, I don't do thrill rides.
Haven't since I rode one of the partner's daughters
in the William Morris mail room in '86.
You know what? You don't do the ride, I don't do the park.
Blockbuster clout has made this boy shrewd. I like it.
- Then another toast to that, huh? - Yeah!
(GLASSES CLINKING)
So what are we hitting next?
Home. I need at least 45 minutes to digest.
Yeah, unfortunately I got to hurry home too, man. I'm sorry.
- What's the problem? - My daughter has a boy over.
- Oh! - A boy with Sarah, that's so cute!
It's not cute. You know who it is? It's Max Ballard.
- The kid from "Young 21 Jump Street"? - Yeah.
- It's a good show. - Didn't they ship him off to rehab
- for Vicodin addiction? - Hey, moron, he's 13.
In celeb years that's like 30.
So what's that make you, Drama, like 140?
So you're admitting I'm a celeb.
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
TURTLE: It's bullshit, Drama.
Just 'cause the guy put the doggie bag in front of you doesn't mean it's yours.
You said it yourself, chief: Possession is 9/10 of the law.
And this glorious 32 oz. Porterhouse is in my possession.
- What's that? - Get off it!
(LAUGHS)
- Damn. - Too slow, Turtle.
Which one of you barn animals left the door open?
Oh, that would be the meat stealer.
I don't think so. I was first man out.
You were, Johnny, until you ran back in to splash some more Drakkar on...
(DOG YELPS)
Arnold don't sound too happy.
- I'm going to call Westec. - No forget it.
Rent-a-cops move slower than real ones.
So you're just going to go in?
Life is for the adventurous, E.
(DOG BARKS)
Maybe we should leave Vince in the car?
If something happens to him we're all fucked.
- (DOG WHINING) - Do you smell something?
Is that sausage?
No, that's gourmet kielbasa.
It's been aging for three days.
I was going to surprise you guys.
I'll kill that son of a bitch!
(DOG BARKING)
Wait, wait, wait. You go first, we'll come behind you.
Why don't you go?
I can hear you assholes.
- Dom? - Surprise, motherfuckers.
- Yo, Dom! - What's up, bro?
Give me some love, man.
I've been on a bus for the last three days
with your pretty fucking picture on it, Vince.
- Ironic, huh? - Come here.
Dom, you better learn to knock, bro.
You have no idea how close you came...
Close to what, Drama? You need more muscle
than you three fruitcakes and Aquaman here to get me down.
Hey, what did you do to my dog?
He's all right. He's in the john eating a nice piece of meat.
Not my lamb chops?
Hey, Ebola
What's with you infectious fucking disease, you?
You know I always hated that name, Dom. How are you?
- Come on, huh? - (GROANS)
- How did you get out of prison? - They let me out.
Good behavior of all things.
Damn, you motherfuckers look good.
- It's been a long time. I missed you. - Hey, we missed you too, man.
We haven't all been together since what, '98?
- At least. - This calls for a celebration.
Yeah, I'll break out the Lowenbrau.
No, no, no. Take me out. I've been surrounded
by nothing but men for the last five years.
- Show me some L.A. Pussy. - I think we can do that. Come on.
WOMAN ON TV: You come back here!
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
The director was really up my ass during this scene.
WOMAN: Don't you dare slam that door!
I want to live with my father.
It's 10:30, get him out of here.
He's a nice boy, Ari. Just stop it.
Nice boys don't have nine cars.
- Shh. - What?
- You hear that? - What?
Silence. They stopped talking.
- I'm going in. - Ari, Ar...
Oh. Hey, baby. I totally forgot you had company.
- Hey, how's it going, Max? - Hey, Mr. Gold.
What are you guys doing?
Max is showing me scenes from his new movie.
- It's so good. - Oh, thanks, babe.
All right. It's time to go.
- Daddy! - No, no, no. It's 10:30, honey.
It's way too late for company, come on.
It's cool, Sarah. I'll just see you tomorrow.
Actually you won't. We're going to Six Flags tomorrow, so...
Yeah, I know. I'll be there too.
Why... why will you be there?
Max is in talks with the studio
about taking over the Cody Banks franchise.
Plus my peeps think it's a good press op.
It's going to be a zoo there, Max.
You sure you want to be ripped limb from limb by screaming fans?
Are you kidding? I love my fans. Later, dude.
I'll IM you late night. Ciao.
ARl: I'll walk you out.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
In the joint
the homos on my tier, they have pictures of you on the wall.
- (LAUGHS) - And I tell them I grew up with that little punk
that you're whacking it to. They didn't believe me though.
So they didn't believe you knew the Chase brothers, huh?
Oh, they believe I knew you, Drama.
VINCE: Why didn't you call me when you got out?
I would have sent you a plane ticket.
I had a lot of loose ends to tie up.
You know, mostly parole board crap.
They had to give me permission just to come out.
- Wow. - Plus, I wanted to surprise you guys.
Nothing like a good breaking-and-entering
to get the old heart pumping, huh?
- How'd you find the house? - Star maps.
How long are you planning on staying for?
What's with this guy?
What is this, a fucking interrogation?
Yeah, E, what's your problem?
The guy just got here. You're already asking when he's leaving?
You stay as long as you want, Dom. We got plenty of space.
Thanks, Vince. It's nice to know you're still there for me.
You know, it's been a rough road.
You come out of the joint, a lot of people
who you thought were your friends, they're not.
I guess it's hard to love a felon.
Anyway, before I get all misty like a queer,
why don't you bums hook me up with some easy ass?
Come on, I'll take a lap with you. Show you my skills.
You can come too, Drama.
Yeah, like I need an invitation.
E., what are you being a dick for, huh?
I'm not being a dick. I just don't trust him.
You don't like that he calls you E coli?
It's Ebola, and no, that's got nothing to do with it.
It's Dom. We've known him our whole lives. He's not a stranger.
It's the fact that I know him that worries me.
The guy shows up one day after we open up at number one.
He wants something. Look at all the guilt he's throwing your way.
- Well, I do owe him. - You're not the reason he went to jail.
- It was my weed. - It was two joints.
The guy would have been out in a day but he punched the cop in the face.
He wouldn't have been near the cops if it weren't for those two joints.
He would've gotten locked up for something else, you know that.
I don't know that.
I mean, it's simple. What are you going to do when he fucks up out here?
- If! - Okay, if.
Well, then I'll deal with it. It'll be my problem not yours.
- Okay? - Okay.
Don't worry so much, man. We're number one, baby!
Number one, baby. Have fun.
- Fuck you! - (LAUGHS)
(KEYS CLACKING)
(BEEPING)
She's still online.
So go tell her you secretly monitor her buddy list.
See how that affects trust issues.
Ari! Ari!
(DOOR OPENS)
Daddy, what are you doing?
Shh, go back to sleep, baby. My computer is on the fritz.
I'll have this back to you before the morning. I love you.
- (LAUGHING) - All I said was that she had nice lips.
Yeah, and that you wanted to introduce them to your member.
Where I come from that's a fucking compliment.
Hysterical, Dom. Hysterical.
Am I nuts, or does it feel like we're back home?
- Yeah. - Awesome to have you here, Dom.
Yeah, Dom. Awesome, bro, awesome.
I'll catch you guys later. I'm gonna head up.
Hold on a sec. I got a little something for you.
I know you're kind of the de facto leader of this crew.
So I want to give you this as a show my appreciation
for letting me come out.
He gave you a present. Be nice, huh?
- What is it? - It's a screenplay.
I wrote it in the joint. It's about the last seven years of my life.
- You wrote it by hand? - All 234 pages, my friend.
And it's perfect... perfect for your next movie, Vince.
If there's anybody that can play me,
- it's you. - Well, thank you.
And don't worry about that script making sense, 'cause it does.
I read both of them Syd Field books.
He's going to read it as soon as possible, right, E?
- Oh yeah. - Good, I appreciate it.
And be real careful with it 'cause it's not only my heart and soul,
- it's my only copy. - Have you ever heard of a Xerox, Dom?
You ever heard of not having no cash?
Just don't smudge a lick or you may see me get angry like in the old days.
Yeah, E. Don't make him mad.
You remember how crazy the Dominator gets.
DRAMA: (LAUGHS) Dominator, that's good. TURTLE: He'll get you.
WOMAN: Oh, fuck me, you fucker! Fuck me!
Oh yeah, you fuck me.
Fuck me hard! Oh yeah!
Smack my ass! Oh yeah!
Oh, oh! You like that?
You like that? (SCREAMS)
Oh! Oh! Oh yeah.
Oh, you like that? Huh, you like that?
Oh yeah! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Yeah! Oh! Oh! Yeah yeah yeah!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Oh oh! Oh yeah!
Oh yeah! Yeah! (SCREAMS)
You hearing this guy, E?
- People in Encino are hearing this guy. - Hysterical.
It's hysterical waking up at 5:30 in the morning
- thinking somebody's been murdered. - Guy's been out of commission
for five years. He's just making up for lost time.
WOMAN: Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah, oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
(MOANING STOPS)
Couple minutes more and he would have had my record beat.
- Who's he got up there anyway? - Don't get nervous,
but I think it's one of those Aileen Wuornos types he met
- at an inter-prison mingler. - Good one.
- Morning, fellas. - Oh, come on!
- Jesus, Dom. - Classic.
Can't be bashful in the big house.
- We're not in the big house, Dom. - You know, E,
I don't remember you being so uptight.
- I'm not uptight. - (LAUGHS)
Maybe I'm confusing things.
- Finish my script yet? - I got it three hours ago, Dom.
- A simple no would do. - Okay, the answer is no.
You see? Uptight.
- See? - Get on it, E.
- There could be genius in those pages. - Yeah, E, get to work.
Hey Dom, you didn't happen to write me in, did you?
'Cause I'm a pretty prominent part of the neighborhood.
You'll be in the sequel, Drama.
- Hey. - There you are, baby.
How are ya?
There's some Tropicana here if you want to replenish those fluids.
I got Gatorade in the car.
So is this really where Aquaman lives?
Yeah. And the front doors are down the hall,
so feel free to kick yourself out.
Good job.
Gotta love that "L.A. Express" paper.
Even though that wasn't the broad I ordered,
she fucked like a world champion.
Uh, what are you doing with my Le Creuset, bro?
This? I'm going to use it to cook you goofs some breakfast.
That's not necessary, Dom. I do the cooking around here.
Giving us food poisoning gives Drama a reason to live.
Drama, I cooked for 400 gorillas in the joint.
You don't think I can handle cooking for four jerk-offs
in Beverly Hills? Go sit down.
You're a guest, Dom. I insist.
Drama, let go of the pan
or I'm going to plant it in your head.
Hey, you guys are up early. What's going on?
- Dom offered to cook us breakfast. - No, he insisted.
Let him cook us breakfast, Johnny. Take the day off.
How do you like your eggs, Vin?
Surprise me, Dom. Do me a favor,
- put on some underwear. - Vince.
Yeah.
Never mind.
Ari, you're acting insane.
I'm acting... there's a movie star that has his sights set
on our baby girl, and I'm acting insane.
- He's 13. - But in celeb years that's like 30.
I'd like to see how you're going to tell our daughter
that she can't go to the water park today.
Tell her the ride didn't pass inspection. That there's a drought
and the entire park dried up. I don't care.
No no no, this is your thing. You're going to tell her.
- Tell her what? - Oh, nothing. Nothing, baby, nothing.
What time are we leaving for the water park?
- Max wants to know. - Uh...
baby, you know that I love you right?
- Of course. - And you know that it's out of love
when I tell you that I don't want you coming to the water park today
- or seeing Max anymore. - Why not?
Because he's an actor, honey, and actors are bad.
- But... - I know this. I work with them all day.
- Mom used to be an actor. - And now she is not.
- And that's why now she's good. - Daddy, you're being unfair.
I really like him. You can't keep us apart for no reason.
- I can certainly try. - Mom!
- I... your father... - I hate you guys. I hate you!
Oh, congratulations. You just won yourself 50,000 in child therapy.
Hey, in this town as long as I keep her off an "E! True Hollywood Story"
I've done my job.
You just don't use another man's deodorant.
- Period. - Come on, I used Vince's this morning.
- Not a roll-on. - Come on, Drama, I apologize.
My mistake. You gonna forgive me?
Yeah, Drama, the guy apologized. You gotta forgive him.
- Why is everyone against me? - Just get in the car.
- What are you doing? - I'm driving.
- I do the driving around here, Dom. - Really?
How do you drive with one arm?
One arm? (GROANS)
A dead arm like in the old days.
- That's going to leave a mark. - Yeah, no shit.
- Come on, don't cry. Hit me back. - I don't want to hit you back.
- Go ahead, hit him back. - I just want to drive.
When did you guys get so territorial? "I do the cooking."
"I do the driving." We're neighborhood guys, we share.
Have you gone Hollywood, pussies? Come on, Turtle,
I haven't been behind the wheel of a car in a long time.
Hey, Vinnie. You know it's been five years
since I've been behind the wheel of a car? I miss it.
Go ahead, drive. Why, what's the big deal?
Looks like I'm not the only one laid off, bro.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHING)
Five years of loyal service and this is the thanks I get?
- Quit whining, Turtle. - Easy for you to say, E.
You got a window seat when I'm stuck sitting bitch.
DRAMA: Turtle, you want to get your elbow out of my spleen?
You want to move over? You fucking stink, Drama.
That's 'cause I'm not wearing any fucking deodorant.
We need gas.
(WHEELS SCREECHING)
(DOOR BEEPS)
- I want him out. - So do I.
- What do you want to do? - I want you to tell him.
- Fine, pussy, I'll tell him.
What the fuck are you two looking at?
- (DOOR BEEPS) - WOMAN: One lotto ticket too.
I guess you'll tell him later.
I'm just saying it's a big public event, there's going to be a lot of press.
You may want to tell him how to behave.
It's a water park, E. What could he possibly do?
- We've been to the water park with him. - Oh, don't start.
Senior trip, Six Flags. He almost killed Ryan Drexler dunking him
- in the tidal pool. - He didn't know he had asthma.
The kid had an inhaler hanging around his neck.
Jesus Christ. Why do you always defend him?
- Okay, I get it. - Just talk to him, please.
- Let's hit the fucking flume, boys. - Let's do it.
He stole that, by the way.
What the fuck are you whispering about, Drama?
- Nothing, nothing. - Good, then get the fuck in the car
and let's hit it.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SCREAMING)
DOM: Make some room.
There he is. All right. You made it. E, I hope you brought your lifts
'cause I'd hate to see you sidelined by the rides height requirement.
That's funny, Ari. I'll be laughing about that one on the ride
when you're having a panic attack and blowing chunks.
Not if the minds behind Xanax have anything to say about it, you won't.
Another five minutes and I would have cut the ribbon myself.
- Sorry we're late, Shauna. - That's my fault.
- Who are you? - Who are you?
And is there a man behind this beautiful belly?
Is he kidding me?
- Oh, you two are... - Oh, please.
VINCE: Girls, this is my boy from back home, Dom.
Shauna, Christy. This is Ari.
Hey, you girls gonna ride with us?
If I wanted to induce, Drama, I'd be at the hospital.
If you change your mind, you can sit next to me.
I always wanted to be involved in the birthing process.
That's disgusting.
That's all right, you sit next to me I'll take care of you.
Even more disgusting.
- MAN: Vince, over here. - Back off.
- What are you doing, jerk-off? - Hey!
- Dom, stop! - Jesus Christ!
- He stole that candy bar too. - What?
Yeah, it's okay. Give him back his camera. Sorry.
- Thanks, Vince. - Here, come here. Come here.
Take the picture, take the picture.
Sorry about that, all right?
- I'm sorry. - It's all right. It's okay.
Come on, let's go. We got things to do.
- Is he kidding me? - I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
MAN: On behalf of your friends at Magic Mountain,
we'd like to present you with this key to our park.
To Aquaman, Vincent Chase.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Vinnie!
- We got to talk. - So talk.
It's a family matter, E.
Yeah, it's not for inquiring minds.
I'm sure whatever you have to say is really intriguing, Turtle.
I'll be right back.
I actually got some family business to take care of myself.
Oh, oh, I'm going to miss all the excitement, Ari.
You know what, Shauna? I'd work on that attitude. For the kid's sake.
- So what's up? - We took a vote.
- The two of you? - That's right.
The tribe has spoken.
We think it's time for Dom to push off our island.
Really? I thought it was awesome having him around.
I haven't seen you two this happy since we got Arnold.
Yeah, well, things have changed.
Five just don't work, E. Four is a perfect number.
By the way, he stole that candy bar.
- What? - Ask Turtle.
I ain't a rat, all right? We just don't want him around no more.
- Unfortunately Vince does. - So what, we gonna get a minivan?
Look, the guy's on parole. He's gonna have to go back eventually.
We just got to ride it out until he does.
VINCE: This one is going to blow your mind.
It is crazy. I don't know about you, but I'm super excited.
I hope you enjoy the ride.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Come on, give it up for Vince! Make some fucking noise.
Yo, Vince. Come here.
Excuse Max, honey, it's time for his Accutane.
- What are you doing, Gold? - Are you two-timing my daughter?
What? No. Me and Sarah aren't exclusive.
I'd prefer if you were nothing at all.
Stay away from my daughter.
- Keep dreaming. - Maxie, listen to me
or I will squash you, okay?
How are you going to do that, huh, Gold? With you and your five-man agency?
Don't make threats you can't keep.
Come on, Ari. Flume of Doom awaits, baby.
It's hell, Ari, seriously. Take this just in case.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow. So what's the rule on these things?
The slower the rise the quicker the fall?
Yeah, something like that!
This is sick!
I guess I shouldn't have had that second chili dog.
- Jesus. - You okay there, Ari?
Yeah. Just great, Dom.
So what kind of fruit name is Ari anyway?
I spoke to Drama and Turtle about Dom.
Apparently I'm not the only one worried about the guy.
- I talked to him, E. - Yeah? What did he say?
It's all good. He totally gets it.
Great. So what's the deal with parolees anyway?
- How long can they stay out? - As long as he wants if he gets a job.
Good thing he doesn't have one.
Actually, I'm making him head of my security.
I owe him, E. I owe him.
(SCREAMING)
DOM: Yeah, motherfucker!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)