(THEME SONG PLAYING)
There is nothing more important to a man
than his family.
These men,
these men of honor,
they too are my family.
La Familia Corleone.
I now invite you
to be reborn as one of us.
Thanks, bro.
GODFATHER: You are now one of our qualified men.
- Good for you, kid. - (DOOR CLOSES)
(VIDEOGAME EXPLOSIONS)
TURTLE: Look at this kid.
You know this is the closest you're ever gonna come
to working with an Academy Award winner?
Yeah, nice try, Turtle.
But I guess the three episodes of "A Different World"
that I did with Marisa Tomei were just a figment of my imagination?
Try to imagine yourself getting off this game.
You've been on it all fucking day.
Hold on, E, let me ask the Boss of All Bosses if I can roll with you.
Come on, Johnny. Even Capone takes a night off
- to hang out with his boys. - Yeah, you're right.
Hang on, let me get my jacket.
- There you go. - Ooh!
DRAMA: You know, Ari hasn't called me all day.
He's been your agent for 24 hours, Drama, relax.
Don't feel bad, Johnny. He hasn't called me today either...
and I told the president of Warner's to go fuck himself last night.
Look, he'll call both of you when he has something to tell you.
Can we not talk business tonight, please?
This is supposed to be a hang-loose, get-fucked-up, guys' night out.
That's exactly what it's gonna be. Just the four of us.
- ERIC: Hey! - Hi.
- How are you? Hi. - Hi.
Hi, guys.
- Hey. - Hi.
So what? You can't have a fun guys' night out with me?
We love you, Sloan, you know that...
But... it's the law.
You don't invite your girl on a boys' night out.
Okay, in fairness to E, he had no idea I was gonna be here tonight.
Yeah, pull this leg and it plays "Jingle Bells."
SLOAN: (LAUGHS) I'm serious.
My girlfriend's in town from D.C. She's meeting me here.
Yeah? What does she look like?
It's guys' night out. Don't worry about that.
Oooh, touché.
Vince?
- Dibbs. - That's not her.
- VINCE: Hi. - Hi.
Do you remember me? You bought me a birthday drink
- a couple of months ago. - Vodka tonic and 25, right?
Right. How about I return the favor and buy you one?
Absolutely. Come sit, join us.
What's next? You got a girl coming too?
- (CELL PHONE RINGING) - It's Ari.
Hey, Ari, how was dinner with Alan?
Ask him if he found me a job yet.
Dinner was great. Tell Drama he's on my to-do list
right after inserting needles in my cock.
Put Vince on. I got big news
and I don't want you taking all the credit for it.
Vince is busy, Ari. Talk.
Alan felt so bad about last night
he wants to bump Vince up to $10 million for A2.
Interesting. Alan's moving up to 10, what do you think?
I think the number's 20.
- We're holding at 20. - Put Vince on.
He wants to talk to you.
Tell him Alan's a liar and I don't deal with liars.
Why don't we go to the bar so we don't have to wait for the waitress?
We can always go to my place so we don't have to wait for a bartender.
We'll catch you guys later, huh?
- Tell him. - He wants you to tell Alan...
Yeah yeah, I heard him. Just put him on the phone, E.
- He's gone, Ari. - Eric...
we do not want to get on Alan Gray's bad side.
What do you want me to tell you?
Put him on the phone, you fucking dick!
I'm not a guy you want on your bad side.
- Really? What are you gonna do? - This.
Whoa whoa, he didn't want to talk to me?
This night is a total disaster.
All of a sudden we're on E's date.
- You wanna blow out? - Yeah, come on.
You guys are leaving?
- Yeah. - Hey!
- Oh my God, hi, Tori. Oh! - Hi, baby.
Maybe it will salvage this night after all.
Hi, it's Johnny Drama.
- Nice to meet you. - Hi, Tori. Nice to meet you.
- Turtle. - Hey.
- The girl was cold. - Ice cold.
What, because you guys couldn't close?
Couldn't close... she said she doesn't date.
Brad Pitt couldn't close her.
Did you hear what she said when I offered to buy her a drink?
- No, what? - "No thank you."
- What a bitch. - (PHONE RINGING)
All right, guys. This is Sloan, so stop.
- Didn't we just see her? - How whipped is this guy?
- Hey, babe. - Hi, babe.
You guys sound drunk.
You weren't drunk when I left you.
- Huh, we're having a good time now. - Good.
Tell him.
Oh, um... Tori wants me to tell you
that it was really nice meeting you.
Aw, tell her it was nice meeting her too.
She wants me to tell you she thinks you're really cute.
Cute? That's cool.
Who's cute?
- Tell him the other thing. - No.
Yes! Here, I'll tell him. I'll tell him.
Okay okay. Okay, wait.
Does she think one of us is cute?
- Eric? - Yes, Sloan?
Tori wants to tell you that she wants to have a threesome
with me and you.
Sleep on that, E.
Okay, we gotta go. I love you. Bye, babe.
Sloan?
(BEEPS)
- What's up? - She like one of us or not?
I thought you guys didn't like her.
- I loved her. - Yeah, me too.
She's smokin'. So who'd she say was cute?
Me.
You.
Why would she tell Sloan she thinks you're cute?
They're drunk. She told Sloan we should have a threesome.
So why aren't you in your car right now?
'Cause they're fucked up and it's a joke.
- No woman should ever joke about that! - No, they should not.
Either way, I'm so whackin' off
- to your girlfriend tonight. - Loser.
I was planning on whackin' off to Vince's girl,
but this definitely tops that.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Hey, Johnny, I have Ari for Vince.
Vince is sleeping, but I'll talk to Ari.
Vince isn't available, but I have Drama.
I don't wanna talk to Drama, I wanna talk to Vince.
Sorry, Drama, I don't have Ari anymore.
You just had him for Vince.
But then you told me that Vince was sleeping and now I lost him.
Tell Vince to please call Ari when he wakes up and I'll have him again.
Oh, Vince just walked in. You got Ari now?
I have Vince now.
I have Ari.
Can I say that you won't talk to Ari unless he talks to me?
Hey, Ari?
- Vince. - Here's Johnny.
- Yeah. - What do you need, Drama?
- I need a job, Ari. - I'll see what I can do.
Do better than that.
How?
Promise you'll see what you can do.
Drama...
Promise, or I'm not gonna put Vince on.
I promise I will do all I can for you.
Sorry, I had him but now I don't.
Ari left three messages on my cell.
He was just on the phone. He's probably freakin' about the Warner's call.
Can you imagine the look on Alan's face when Ari says no to 10?
Don't fuck with the boys from P.S. 154.
Speaking of fucking, did he tell you
- what Sloan said last night? - No, what'd she say?
Why did I think you guys would forget about that today?
I don't know, 'cause I was up thinking about it all night.
- Like you weren't. - What'd she say?
Sloan and Tori want E to be the meat in their girl-girl sandwich.
No! Is it true?
- What do you think? - I think you'd enjoy it.
You know Sloan, you think she'd do that?
E, I have a little theory that all women love other women.
That's probably because I love all women.
She was really drunk and it will never happen, trust me.
Well, drunk or not, she wouldn't have put it
out there if it wasn't a possibility.
Exactly. You might have to push her a little.
Yeah, E, are you man enough to push, hmm?
- I'm man enough to leave. - Off to see Sloan?
Gee, I wonder what you're gonna talk about.
- See you guys later. - Hey, take this seriously.
When opportunity knocks let her the fuck in.
And for God's sakes,
let her go down on your girlfriend!
Yes, Alan, yes, listen... you've been more than generous, more than generous.
You know actors. Crazy comes with the territory.
I understand, Ari. But if this nonsense
continues much longer I might get mad.
Believe me, Alan, I more than anyone else
do not want to get you mad.
I have seen you on the racquetball court.
Listen, I know that franchises do not grow on trees.
I will call Vince myself and tell him how mad I will be
if he tries to pull a Chappelle.
Fantastic. I like your new attitude, Ari.
You should have moved to a boutique agency years ago.
- Thank you, sir. - Anyway,
I'm willing to go up to $12 and a half million to wrap this up.
12 and a half...
But Ari,
wrapped up means you call me... today
- by 4:00. - Lloyd, get Vince on the phone!
- Give me the only answer that I want. - Alan,
- Alan. - Yes, Ari.
Consider it done.
- Ari? - Yes, Alan?
It better be.
- (DISTANT PHONE RINGS) - Lloyd!
- Do you have Vince? - No, I have Drama
and he says that he's been authorized to tell you that Vince
will not speak to you until he, Drama, has a job.
- Really? - Really.
(RINGING CONTINUES)
Question: Uh, no lox at staff meetings now, Ari?
Cost cutting until we get into the new offices.
There will be lox in the new year, trust me.
Until then, enjoy the gourmet chicken salad.
Anyway, people,
staff meeting has been canceled.
You all have one goal today:
To get Vincent Chase's brother
Johnny Chase a job. Any job.
I don't care if it's a porn shoot in which he is being
gang-raped by a gaggle of silverback apes.
If there are cameras rolling
everybody wins. 10 grand to anyone
that can deliver this to me today.
Can I vie for the 10 grand prize also, Ari?
Sure, but you'll get paid in yen.
Now try E one more fucking time.
There's another e-mail.
Hmm, what does this one say?
"You drunken, Irish, short, midget cocksucker,
I need someone to call me back."
He sounds angry.
- Yeah. - So what are you gonna do?
There's nothing to do. Vince is a man of principle.
He feels he was lied to. It's not about the money, so...
So.
So what else?
What else? How are you feeling today?
I'm okay, why?
You guys were pretty hammered last night.
- We weren't that bad. - You weren't?
Is there something you'd like to say?
No.
We were joking.
That's a mean joke. You shouldn't tease a guy like that.
- Like you would do it. - Oh, I'd do it.
If you were okay with it.
I mean who wouldn't do it? Why wouldn't I do it...
if you were okay with it?
Have you ever done anything like that?
No, have you?
What do you think?
I think, no. And I don't think you ever would.
Are you challenging me?
No, I'm not saying it in a bad way, I just don't think you would.
I would.
With you, once.
Once would be great.
And I'd have some rules...
No no no no no. No rules.
- I agree. Call it off, E. - Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.
A threesome with rules is not a threesome. It's a nightmare.
I don't even know why I told you guys this.
This is between me and my girlfriend.
No, this is between you, your girlfriend and a complete stranger.
Of course you tell your best friends.
We might have some wisdom to impart.
The only threesome you guys have ever had involved each other.
I don't want any of that wisdom imparted.
- Vince, talk to him. - All right, what's the rule?
- What's the difference? - You can't have sex with Tori.
- How'd you know? - Lucky guess.
What are we doing? I thought we're going to Book Soup.
DRAMA: That was a ruse. TURTLE: This is gonna happen.
We gotta get you prepared, baby.
Grab a basket.
What, are we in Pathmark?
Alan's on one.
It's only 3:30.
- Um, I have 3:30 too. - I'm supposed to have until 4:00.
Tell him that you are looking for me and you will find me soon.
You are quite sure of it. Go.
And then you get E and Vince on the phone now.
- Seriously, how did you know? - Because Sloan's a good girl.
This is really just experimental.
Eh, more selfish than anything.
How is it selfish, Drama?
Because she gets the whole experience.
You only get to play the first half,
- then you gotta hit the bench. - It is bullshit.
No, guys this is a good thing, trust me.
Look, I've had threesomes
where both girls wanna watch me with the other,
and I've had threesomes where I have one girl
who I need to be a little more protective of.
In the long run, the girl you have to be more protective of
is the girl you wanna be in a relationship with.
Not the girl who's begging you to bang her best friend.
Look, Sloan's a good girl.
You'll have a good time.
But make sure she knows she's the one in first position.
And definitely get one of these.
What? There's no rule Sloan can't fuck her, is there?
(PHONE RINGS)
Would you turn that fucking ringer off already?
- How long can we ignore him? - I'll take it.
Hello.
I'm workin' on stuff, Drama. I'll get back to you.
(DISTANT PHONE RINGING)
Anyone make any progress getting Johnny Chase a job?
I've got some calls in.
Any agents in the building have any calls in?
Somebody
better do fucking something or tomorrow
you will be working for fucking Lloyd!
(PHONE RINGS)
Ari Gold's office.
$12.5 million and no one will talk to me!
Nobody will talk to me?
It's Alan. I think he'll talk to you.
Ari! That's a rental!
No, can't do...!
Alan, how are you?
Well, it's 4:02 and I'm making my own calls. How do I sound?
Do you have the answer that I want?
I... I'm actually just trying to locate Vince. He...
- Let me ask you a question, Ari. - Yeah.
What are you gonna do when you can't locate me?
What are you gonna do when I shut this place down
to you and everyone you know? How are you gonna like
explaining to the rest of your clients that one of the largest
studios in the world no longer exists?
Would... I wouldn't like that, Alan...
Let me propose something to you, Ari.
Something you can present to that...
pretty boy client of yours, if and when you find him.
- Okay... I'm listening. - Oh...
I'm quite sure you are.
(VINCE WOLF WHISTLES)
- Look at this guy. - Fancy.
What, are you going to your senior prom?
- Fuck off. - The maitre d' from Dakota
- called to confirm. - Dakota, huh?
Leave it to this guy to wine and dine a threesome.
It's from my private reserve. Just in case you have a problem
getting it started, that'll warm everybody up.
I know you're not a big porn guy,
but the innovations since the DVD are pretty amazing.
Remember back in the day you'd be tuggin' it
and they'd cut to a closeup of the guy's face and you wanted to kill yourself?
Never again. Multi-angles.
- Good tip, Turtle. - Turtle, grab a picture.
This is before. You better bring home the after.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- You got the girls picking you up? - What, no limo, E?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
This must be serious.
- He brought his muscle. - Hey, Johnny, go deal.
Hey, you better get out of here. The girls are waiting.
I'm not going anywhere. I'll call Sloan, we'll hook up later.
Don't be nervous, you've done it before. Now you're doing it twice.
I'm not nervous. I'm not abandoning you with Ari.
Unless Alan came up to 20, there's not really much to talk about.
- Go ahead, have a good time. - For all of us.
- You sure? - E, you better go or I will.
(SNICKERS)
Hey... oh, and E,
- lose the jacket. - You think?
Uh-huh.
- You got something for me, Ari? - I don't have a job.
- Then I can't let you pass. - Even if I got you a good audition?
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Even if Lloyd did? - What do you got?
It's a pilot Eddie Burns is producing.
Eddie Burns? I used to play ball with Eddie Burns. He loves me.
It's four young Irish boys in New York.
- I'm Irish from New York. - And you were once young.
- LLOYD: It's the older brother. - This sounds perfect.
And if you book it I get 10,000 bucks.
Yen, Lloyd, 10,000 yen. Can I come in?
Eh, not so fast. You handed me off to Lloyd.
One day, one audition. Complain tomorrow, Drama.
- Later, Ari. - E, Vince better not be in that car!
- I'm right here, Ari. - Oh.
Hey, bear with me, Lloyd, I wanna hear your big-picture strategy.
All right, I'm listening, what's up?
I just would like to ask you if you have a plan here, you know?
Because if you do, I would love to hear it.
- A plan? - A plan for what you want.
For instance, if Alan offered you $20 million,
would that make you happy?
Ari, you know it's not about the money.
- What is it then? - I want the days he promised.
- I wanna do "Medellin." - Vin...
And if he does that, I will do "Aquaman 2" for free.
- It's not... - I swear to God.
It's not gonna happen, Vince, it's not going to happen.
"Medellin" is done. They made an offer to Benicio.
Alan owns your ass.
He fucked me, Ari. To my face.
I'm sorry he lied to you. This is the world we live in.
He also offered you $12.5 million in compensation.
He didn't have to do that. You have to stop doing what you're doing.
All right? Because if you don't,
he will sue you. He will take everything you have.
He'll take the house, the cars, maybe even Turtle.
I don't care about any of that... except Turtle.
Thanks, Vince.
It's over, I'm sorry.
You have no other choice.
Do you understand?
- Yes, I understand. - Good.
Tomorrow, breakfast on the lot, we make amends.
- I'm not going to breakfast. - Vinnie...
Alan just wants to look you in the face
and he wants you to tell him you're gonna honor the contract.
- No more grief, we move on... - Ari, listen to me.
I'm not going to any fucking breakfast. You can tell Alan
I will show up every day and I will bust my ass like I've always done.
But I don't want the $12.5 million.
I want the seven that we agreed upon.
I don't want to be indebted to some douchebag.
Vinnie, he has other movies.
I don't care!
I'll never work with him again anyway.
I don't care if he offers me a billion dollars.
- Do you understand? - Vince!
I'm done.
Kid's got principles, huh?
Where's the fucking manager when I need him?
Huh.
ERIC: So your parents must be happy having you home for the weekend.
Oh, they're not around anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's horrible.
Oh no, baby, they're not dead, they just retired to Flagstaff.
- Oh, that's cool. - (TORI GIGGLES)
- It's so cute how nervous he is. - Nervous? I'm not nervous.
It's okay, you don't have to be.
Okay, Tori, you're freaking him out.
- And you're so calm, Sloan? - TORl: You're both nervous.
And it's cute.
We're gonna need to get drunk.
- Definitely. - Yes.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm just kidding.
Ari, look, we're all very happy that Vince finally came to his senses.
But how did you manage to talk him off the ledge?
It was very simple, Dana. I actually told him
that he would have to fuck you if he didn't.
- You're such an asshole. - What? There he is.
- How are you, Alan? - Where's your client, Ari?
Oh, we're all good. Listen, it's a done deal.
Vince feels so bad about this
he said forget about the 12.5, he'll do it for the 10.
Oh.
But he wouldn't come to a breakfast with me?
- No, it's not that. - These fucking actors,
they think they have all the power.
- Alan, Vince is a good kid. - Fuck Vince, Ari.
And fuck you.
Okay, then.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yeah, Ari, what's the problem?
The problem is, I needed you last night to talk some sense into Vince.
I spoke to Vince. He told me everything was under control.
You told him to skip that breakfast meeting?
What breakfast? Vince didn't tell me about any breakfast.
Alan wanted one, Vince wouldn't go.
Jesus. You know what? I'm pulling up to the house right now.
I'll have him call Alan and apologize.
You know, what? It's too late for sorries.
Vince is out. Jake Gyllenhaal is in.
"Brokeback motherfucking Aquaman." Take that bitch.
Read about it in the papers tomorrow,
but pass it along to Vince or Drama or whoever will talk to you now.
- (LAUGHING) - DRAMA: All net, all net.
- TURTLE: So how was it? - Talk, E.
Come on, E, what you got?
Nothing good.
What? Sloan wouldn't let you fuck her either?
Did you have a breakfast with Alan this morning and didn't show?
- I told Ari I wasn't going. - But you never told me.
- Fuck Alan. - Actually no, Vince.
We're the ones that are fucked.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)