(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
So let me get this straight:
You wake up snuggling a girl that you didn't even get to fuck?
I'm not repeating myself again.
- It's disgusting. - What is disgusting about that, Drama?
What's disgusting is the only reason
a guy should be forced to snuggle a girl
is if he's allowed to fuck her first.
Or at least if she promises she'll fuck him later.
- Who snuggles in a threesome anyway? - Question.
- Who uses the word snuggle? - E and E.
Men spoon, E. Women snuggle.
I'm glad you're in on this too, Vince.
What? Come on, it was funny.
Besides, I just got fired. I need a good laugh.
Well, you can laugh in the car. I promised Sloan
I'd look at her setup for tonight. I want you guys to come.
We're going to her charity event tonight,
why do we have to go again this morning?
Because Tori'll be there and it'll be freakin' awkward.
If you guys are there I can say we're going to lunch,
otherwise I might get stuck.
Okay, fine, E. If you need us to go, we'll go.
Okay? Right, guys?
- Yeah, of course. - All right, we'll go.
We'll go. But what you really need, E,
is a good snuggle. Get over here!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Just checking in, Eric, wanted to see how our boy is holding up.
He wants to know how you're doing.
Well, besides the fact that the "L.A. Times" compared me
to Terrell Owens, I'm doing great.
- You hear that, Ari? - Yeah, the Eagles got rid of T.O.
And look where they landed.
"Aquaman 2" is gonna make "Speed 2"
look like "Citizen fucking Kane."
All right, you tell Vince we will bounce back.
You can tell him yourself at Sloan's event tonight, right, Ari?
Ah, come on, Ari. It's for a good cause.
Help her out. It would mean a lot to me.
I get hard thinking about the fact that you actually like me, E.
However, I am sitting down with your father-in-law
for the first time in nine months.
If all goes well, I promise you
that I will try to show up if you promise me not to wear any panties.
- Bye, Ari. - Bye, Eric.
- Ari! - I hoped you sharpened your fangs, Bar,
because it is go time.
Hold that!
Terrance.
Ari, you look a little haggard. Everything all right?
It's called aging, Terrance. Not everyone can stay young
by sucking the blood of their employees.
Gentlemen, let's keep this civil. I suggest...
Ari, you and I are both born negotiators.
So let's keep the legal eagles out of this, shall we?
- Absolutely. - Good.
Now, in the interest of putting this
whole sordid mess behind us,
I think you'll find this offer very generous.
We've been here before. You know what? Save a tree,
say it out loud.
I'm prepared to offer you
$4 million.
Four?
Okay, first let me counter by saying "Fuck you."
You see, while you were off
on your eight-year "sabbatical"...
sailing, duck hunting,
whatever the fuck it is you do...
I took that agency from the midlevel shithole it was
to the powerhouse it currently is
- and I can prove it. - And I thought I had an ego.
You want to go to court? Let's.
I got nothing but time.
Or have you forgot I got a very rich wife who loves to spoil me.
Let's get the fuck out of here.
Wait.
10 million.
- 12 million. - Fine.
- 11 it is. - You got yourself a deal.
Thank fucking God!
Yeah!
Way to earn your commission in there, Bar.
So what's your opening line gonna be?
- Fuck off. - VINCE: I don't think they'll like that.
Just make sure you say hello to Sloan first, everything will be fine.
- Thanks for that tip, Drama. - Look, if you don't want us here...
Just get in here.
(EXHALES)
- Hey. - Hi, baby, how are you?
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hi, guys. - What's up?
Hey.
- The place looks amazing. - Yup.
Thank you.
Yeah, you guys really work well together.
(SNICKERS)
VINCE: So, Sloan, I think it's great
what you're doing here and I just want to say if there's anything
I can do to help tonight, I'm down with the cause.
Really? Anything?
- Anything. - That is great,
because we're supposed to auction off a dinner date with Zach Braff,
but he literally just bailed.
(CHUCKLES) Anything else?
- No, that's it. - Whatever you need.
- Thank you so much. - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh, the flower guys. Hold on one second.
Hello.
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah...
I'm gonna go back to the hotel and work on my tan, so I'll see you guys later.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
- Peace. - Goodbye, Eric.
Later.
- (ERIC EXHALES) - Ooh yeah.
Jesus, and you thought you wanted to get in and out fast.
- She was cold, right? - DRAMA: Cold?
She ran from you like a chicken with a bad cough.
- What does that mean? - It's an avian flu reference.
Oh, good one.
This is not good.
E, I don't know what you're obsessing about.
She thinks I'm a freak.
You hit her with the unsolicited snuggle, you are a freak.
You know what, take me home. I'm gonna drive over to her hotel and apologize.
What? Apologize? For snuggling her?
For invading her space. I don't know.
DRAMA: You're a sensitive guy, E.
- It's kinda queer. - Whatever.
You know what, Drama? He is sensitive.
Maybe we should all go with him.
Thanks, Turtle, but I don't need support on this one.
Wasn't going for support. Was going to see Tori's ass in a bathing suit.
(LAUGHS)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Ah, the girls from Wisteria Lane.
Which one of you is hiding a large black man in your basement?
Funny, Ari. What are you doing here?
I came here to tell you, honey, that our marriage is a sham
and the last 15 years have meant nothing.
- What are you talking about? - I came here to tell you
that I want it to actually mean something this time.
Oh my God! (GIGGLING)
- Ari! - Let me put it on you, baby.
- Oh my God. - Look at that.
Whip 'em out, ladies. Let's see who's got the biggest.
- I take it the meeting went well. - It went well, baby.
Let me show you how well it went. I'm stealing the bride-to-be, everyone.
- Where are we going? - It's a secret.
Lunch is on me provided that Joyce, you still have your stomach stapled.
Fuck you, Ari. Just for that I'm ordering a bottle of Cristal.
The new Gold Standard. It's gonna make the Endeavor building
look like a fucking Dunkin' Donuts.
Oh my God, it is huge.
It'll house 150 agents.
All of whom, if they're sexually harassed,
have only one person to sue... me.
(LAUGHS)
Ari, can we afford this?
Baby, listen, we've been planning this for nine months.
With this money all the pieces are in place.
I know you're scared. But it's time.
Just say yes.
Yes.
Let's go take a lap in the executive Jacuzzi.
- You've got a Jacuzzi in here? - Not yet,
- but they'll put one in. - No, they're not.
- We could talk about it. - We just did.
- I don't know. Maybe I can bribe you. - Here?
Ari, are you out of your mind?
Oh!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Eric. Yo, what's up, E? - Hey, Seth. What's going on?
- How are you? - I'm good, I'm good.
How's Vince, man? I can't believe they fired him. That is brutal.
It's for the best really. Frees us to do other projects
- we're more interested in. - Good.
Sorry about your show getting canceled.
Oh yeah, what are you gonna do, man?
Nobody believed that four guys in their 30s were gonna live together.
Yeah, well I lived at the guest house until last year.
You get moved up to the maid's quarters now? I'm kidding.
How's Sloan?
She's good. You know Sloan?
Yeah, I know Sloan. She's a great girl, man.
- Yeah. - You guys doing all right?
- Yeah, good. I'll tell her you said hi. - You should.
- Eric? - Hey, Tori.
Oh, excuse me.
- It's not what it looks like, Seth. - It never is, man.
- Hey. - Hi.
Can we get a drink?
Um, yeah, sure.
All right, look, I just wanted to come by and apologize.
- For what? - For the other day.
- You know, the way we woke up. - You mean the way I woke up.
Yeah. It was completely unintentional.
Well, obviously, I mean, you were sleeping.
Exactly. I was as surprised as you were.
But I just prefer if we didn't tell Sloan.
I mean, she might think it was weird. I mean, it was a little weird, right?
Well, I mean, actually waking up
with you spooning me was kind of funny
but I think Sloan would think it was a lot weirder that you're here right now.
Well, the only reason I came here was to apologize.
I hope so.
Why else would I be here?
Eric, I have no idea. I hardly know you.
But let me tell you something about me.
The other night was fun and nothing more.
I know.
And Sloan is a really good friend of mine and she's your girlfriend
so you just being here behind her back is making me totally uncomfortable.
Sorry. Fine.
I can't believe we just did that.
What? It was like freshman year at the Z.B.T. House.
We didn't do it freshman year at the Z.B.T. House, Ari.
You're right. It was Amy Myers.
You fucked Amy Myers? Oh my God.
You're gonna get mad about it?
It was 20 years ago and you landed the big prize.
- I did. - I love you. Come here.
Oh my God, Ari! What the hell?
- I think that was Adam Davies. - Who?
It's that rat-fuck that screwed me with Terrance last year.
- So what? - So? Is that rock fucking blinding you?
If Terrance knows that I'm taking the big space
he'll know that I'm starting the big agency.
So what's the difference if he knows?
- Oh my God, we don't have the money. - We have an agreement.
Baby, it's all... He didn't see anything. It's all good.
- Get me up. - Don't worry about it.
What the fuck was that?
My wife lost a contact, Davies.
Why don't you pop out and help us?
Maybe I'll give you a little curbing when you're on your knees.
You'd love to see me with something hard in my mouth, huh, Ari?
- Oh, Jesus. - Sorry.
He brings it out of me.
Later.
What, baby? It's all good.
He doesn't suspect a thing. Come on.
- She basically called me a stalker. - Basically?
From snuggler to stalker. Sounds like an M.O.W.
Girls have a tendency to throw that term around, E.
I wouldn't sweat it.
The only reason I went down there was to apologize.
Which I didn't understand in the first place.
Vince, let's for a moment just assume we understand the reason for the apology.
- Why to her? - Yeah, E, why to her?
- Yeah, why her? - What do you mean?
I mean if anything you should be apologizing to Sloan.
Exactly. After all, she was the one you weren't snuggling with.
Maybe there's another reason you went down there.
Maybe there's a reason behind the snuggle.
Oh no.
Did E fall in love during a threesome?
- (BOTH LAUGH) - If anyone could do it, it's E.
You're like a chick. I mean, the guy cannot have unemotional sex.
- I didn't have sex. - Whatever.
You can't whack off without weeping.
I went down there for no other reason than to say that I'm sorry
and apologize for cuddling
or spooning or whatever, Drama.
It was unintentional. It was an accident.
Freud says there are no accidents.
You guys crossed swords during your threesome. Accident?
VINCE: Yo yo, Eric Murphy.
- Come on, we're gonna be late. - I'm coming.
I can't believe I'm the one telling you that.
- Yo. - Yo.
- Never mind. - Come on, what's up?
I can't stop thinking about Tori.
It makes me sick. I feel guilty.
Jesus. Really?
I was just kidding. You're really into her?
No, it's just that when we were doing our whole, you know, thing,
I wanted her. Bad.
So?
More than I wanted Sloan.
- Oh. - Yeah.
E, you had a threesome. Any guy's gonna want what he's never had during that.
I still want her.
You were this close to having her. It was a big tease.
If you would have had it it'd be over now.
- You think? - Absolutely.
And here's the good news. She's not into you.
She thinks you're a stalker.
She was probably wanting the whole threesome thing just to get to Sloan.
And she lives 3000 miles away so just get through the night and it's over.
It should be a good one.
Hey, I'm the one who's being sold like I'm on eBay.
(PEOPLE CHATTING)
It could be fun, Vince. Like that time you got auctioned off
- for the Feed the World event. - Jesus, remember that Cuban guy
who bought me and wanted me to come live with him in Havana?
Guy never sent me those cigars he promised. I should call.
Ask if he knows any good lefties for the Yanks bullpen while you're at it.
Great mother of God.
TURTLE: Oh, she cleans up good, huh?
- Just get through the night. - (EXHALES)
SLOAN: Hey, guys. ALL: Hey!
Thank you so much for coming. Hi.
- Things look like they're going well. - They are.
They're about to get even better. Vince, come with me?
Let's show the ladies what they're bidding on.
- I thought it was a silent auction. - It is.
But I've got to present the merchandise.
Let's go get a drink.
Where do you want to go? French Riviera, St. Barts,
- Australian outback? - No more spending, Ari.
Not until we're in the clear.
We are in the clear, baby. I don't know why I panicked.
Davies saw us in the middle of the street.
What does that mean to him? Absolutely nothing.
Pick a vacation destination.
No more spending, Ari.
It's charity. Come on, it's a tax write-off.
You know what? I'm gonna bid on all of them.
(SCOFFS)
- How are you, mate? - Cheers, Ari.
Prick.
All I'm saying is me and a girl like Tori
are wild kindred free spirits.
I'd never want to go where you've been, E,
but since you never actually got there,
you mind if I try it on for size?
You tried the other night, Drama, no luck.
I'm with E. You got no shot, Drama.
Look, I'm not gonna debate whether or not I can get the girl.
I'm only asking if E would care.
- I have a girlfriend. - Then just say you don't care.
- You can't say it. - I don't care.
Sweet.
Yeah, well, here she comes.
- She looks angry. - DRAMA: Good, I like it mean.
Makes taming them a greater challenge.
Just relax.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi there.
- Um, can I talk to you? - Sure.
And now our featured item of the evening:
A lovely night of dinner and dancing under the stars...
- Dancing? - One dance.
...the dashing Vincent Chase, everybody.
Here he comes. Vincent.
Vincent Chase, ladies and gentlemen.
Come on, ladies, there he is...
as handsome off screen as he is on screen...
Look, I'm sorry if I came off as harsh earlier.
You were right. I shouldn't have come to your hotel.
Yeah, well I was kind of cold
and I probably made you feel like something was wrong
but I know that you're a good guy, Eric.
I knew that... (SIGHS)
Even before you so lovingly embraced me.
Jesus. I haven't done a lot of these. You?
A few more than you. But not a lot.
So how were we?
Well, I don't know about you...
Well, Sloan and her rules.
Yeah.
We'll get her to drop those rules tonight
and I'll make a later flight. We'll try again.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
(EXHALES)
Ladies, this is your chance to spend the evening
with a real live superhero.
So put your bid in now or lose out.
- You owe me big time. - I know I do.
Can I sample the goods?
- I'm selling stock to get you. - Wow.
If I pay more, can I keep you for the weekend?
You know what? We'll discuss it with your husband.
- You seem like a hot ticket tonight. - I feel like an iPod.
- Hey, will you buy me? - I don't think I could afford you.
I could loan you the money.
It's exquisite. It's so unlike you.
- Well... - I must compliment Ari.
God, this must have cost a fortune.
Well actually, it's just a C.Z.
Oh...
- Don't tell anyone. - No. Never.
What?
I can't believe I had to tell that bitch this was a fake.
You didn't have to do that.
I thought we were keeping the money a secret.
No, Terrance knows we have money.
- He gave it to me. - How the fuck am I supposed to know?
You have me so confused. I don't like secrets, I don't like lying.
Office space. You just can't say office space.
Well...
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, I thought about tattoos a couple times,
but I could never really decide on one.
Me either. That's why I have four.
Really? I thought I spotted one.
The rest are hiding.
Huh.
(GLASSES SHATTER)
Will you excuse me for one second?
I will be right back, I promise.
Okay.
Psst. Hey.
- You're spinning like a top out there. - I've got to get out of here.
- Why, what happened? - I can't be around this girl.
E, come on, we went over this.
She wants another go around. This time no rules.
- Wow, that's nice. - No, it's not nice.
I don't want another go around.
Not with Sloan there, you mean.
I don't know what it is. I got something crazy for this girl.
I told you what it is.
Either way, I want to grab her, I want to take her in the coatroom.
Come on, E. You're not a coatroom kind of guy.
Exactly. I'm not a threesome kind of a guy either. That's the problem.
- Just relax. - No, I can't relax, okay?
I cannot be around Sloan and her together.
She's gonna see it's written all over my face, know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I do. You're a good Catholic boy.
It's cute. So avoid temptation. Go home.
I'll tell them you're sick.
(LAUGHS) Coatroom.
Eric. Hey, where are you going?
I was just gonna go outside. I'm not feeling that well.
- Oh no. - I'm just feeling a little nauseous.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
You know, I think I might need to go home.
Yeah, of course. Go to my place.
I'll just finish up here and wait for Tori's car to arrive,
then I'll come back and take care of you, okay?
- Okay. - I love you.
I love you too.
- See you. - Feel better.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
It's time to announce the winners of tonight's silent auction,
the winner of the Dodgers box seats,
Peter Vapnick.
Figures. The only thing I actually wanted.
- You don't deserve it! - Congratulations, Peter.
It's okay, Ari. I have something better you can bid on.
What, are you selling your ass again, Davies?
No, my client list.
I know you're taking space. I want in.
(LAUGHS) You're crazy.
I'd think that too if I didn't see you dive under that car to avoid me today.
But I did. It made me curious.
So much so that I pulled a U-ey and went snooping.
And guess what I found.
Office space that says unless your wife's baby blanket biz went big time,
you are about to open the largest agency in town.
I want partnership, corner office
and $1 million guaranteed salary.
A: You wouldn't get that even if I did like you, Davies.
And B: Even if I were taking space, which I am not,
you fucked me last year.
Do you really think we can work together?
Come on, Ari. We're all animals.
We just go wherever there's the most food.
My fridge is bare, pal.
Okay, should we see what Terrance thinks about it?
EMCEE: Winner of St. Barts for $12,800
is Ari Gold.
(APPLAUSE)
Next up, a week of sun and fun on the French Riviera.
And the winner is Ari Gold.
Really spending that money, eh, Ari?
- (LAUGHS) - What else did you buy?
- Oh, nice suit, Davies. - Thank you, Terrance.
...a date with a movie star...
the gorgeous Vincent Chase...
Molly Burns. Molly Burns.
Here she is. Let her hear it.
Come on up, Molly. Vince, ladies and gentlemen.
Vincent Chase.
- Where the fuck is he? - Where is he?
Vincent Chase to the podium.
Hiding is my guess.
Vincent Chase, please.
Vincent Chase to the podium.
- I wonder what you sold for. - I wonder who I sold to.
(MOANS)
He's here somewhere. We're gonna find him.
- (DOOR OPENS) - SLOAN: Wait!
- Shh! - (GIRLS GIGGLING)
Hey.
Hey, baby.
How are you feeling?
Good. Who's here?
Tori. She missed her flight. She's gonna crash on the couch.
Her car is coming at 5:30.
Oh.
I'm gonna get ready for bed. Go back to sleep.
Okay.
Oh, you're still here?
Oh, sorry. Did I wake you?
No, just going to get a drink 'cause I'm thirsty.
Okay.
- Listen, it was nice to meet you. - You too.
- What are you thinking, Eric? - I don't know.
Want to jump on the couch for 20 minutes
while Sloan's sleeping in the other room?
(LAUGHS)
No.
- Go back to bed. - I can't sleep.
Take an Ambien.
Listen, am I crazy, or do we both want this?
Does it matter?
You got a great girl in there, Eric.
She almost let you have this.
Don't fuck it up.
- Bye. - Bye.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)