(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't think you want to go into that part of town,
not alone.
I'll go with you, Joe, if you want.
- What do you think? - Sounds good.
- Yeah, for real? - Very natural.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna get this one, I really do.
You know, I feel like it was written for me.
I mean, with Eddie Burns producing...
I mean, the guy knows me from back in the day.
You sure that's a good thing?
Don't listen to him, Johnny, I love the positivity.
- Yeah, thanks, Vince. - Look, you do sound good, Drama,
but I wouldn't count on Eddie Burns knowing you. You should focus.
You're right, you're right.
Focused. Like a laser.
- No. No. Okay, sorry. - (PHONE RINGING)
Ari Gold's office. No, n...
LLOYD: Can I ask you to hold please?
What's up? You look like hell.
The phones have been ringing off the hook.
Everyone knows that you took the new space.
They're asking me if we're a new major.
Terrance signed the papers. It doesn't matter.
Just deny deny deny. It'll all be over soon.
You know I don't like to lie, Ari.
Lloyd, be a man.
Or as much of a man as you can possibly be for God fuckin' sakes.
Now what's up this morning?
- Vince and the boys are on their way. - It's gonna be a good day.
A good day, Lloyd. I can feel it.
(PHONES CONTINUE RINGING)
Ari Gold's office. No, I haven't heard anything about that.
No, I don't know anything about that.
I'll be here.
You gonna make me hang up there alone?
Sorry, bro. Audition's at 3:00.
- I'm a laser. - You're a retard, but okay.
- (PHONES RINGING) - LLOYD: No, that is so not true.
So not true!
You guys can go right in.
LLOYD: Ari Gold's office, please hold. Ari Gold's office, please hold.
I'll be out here all alone.
What's going on out there, Ari? You having a telethon?
Yeah, E. Raising cash for the subordinates of movie stars
who can't fend for themselves.
- Hardee-har-har. - What's the big surprise, Ari?
- Wow, getting right to it, huh, Vin? - Last time you surprised me,
I was fired, so naturally I'm a bit anxious.
Okay, here it is, you remember "Queens Boulevard"
that was supposed to be released on six screens,
so NYU students had something to do on a Friday night?
Turns out the studio has decided to push the release.
- Why? - What the fuck?!
Because they want to release it wide
on 1,200 motherfuckin' screens! Boom!
Turns out E's lucky pick has been testing through the roof
- and with the success of "Aquaman"... - Two for two!
It gets better. The Hollywood Foreign Press wants to sit down with you,
to discuss everything "QB," wanna have a press conference this afternoon.
Jesus, give me a little less notice.
When the Hollywood Foreign Press calls,
you run, Vinnie, okay? Will you be there?
- I'll be there... - Will you do something for me?
Will you smile? Will you look happy? Will you look cooperative?
Well, what exactly does cooperative look like?
Vin, we need this. We want people to forget about
the fact that you just got fired. Will you smile?
Oh, hey, Eddie.
It's great to see you too.
Me? (CHUCKLES)
Thanks, yeah, things are great, just great.
Life is just so amazing, isn't it?
What the hell?
Uh, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm sitting in the car.
I noticed.
Obviously, you didn't notice the meter needed feeding.
What, no heads-up? No tap on the window?
(LAUGHS) Sorry, pal.
The meter's red... the car is dead.
(MAKES GUNSHOT SOUND)
- Civil servant? - (RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
What the fuck is civil about not giving a guy a warning? It's anti-American.
I think that's in the Bill of Rights.
DRAMA: The point is, this isn't Communist Russia.
Communist Russia isn't Communist Russia anymore either, Drama.
You wanna fuckin' start, E?!
Johnny, relax, I'll pay for the ticket.
That's not the point, Vince, it's the principle.
A guy should be able to sit in his own car on a public street
without being unjustly harassed.
- What are you doing? - I'm gonna fight for my rights.
I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna make that guy's day a living hell.
(MOCKING) I thought you were a laser.
- This won't affect me. You in? - VINCE: Forget about him.
Come on, you're nervous.
You always get uptight when you have something big.
You don't have to be. You can get this if you stay focused.
- Yeah, you're right. - Right?
Yeah. You're right, bro. Thanks.
All right, Turtle, let's go get a cup of coffee,
start heading west so I'm not late. Thanks, Vince!
- You betcha. - Hey, good luck, Drama.
Thanks, E.
(ENGINE TURNS OVER)
- See how calming I can be? - Yeah, very impressive.
- Now, what should we do? - Call Walsh, let's celebrate.
- No. Really? - Yeah, he'll be happy to hear from you.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Hillbilly Willy is starting to come on
- as he passes Marshal Tito in stride. - (PHONE RINGING)
Hillbilly Willy is starting to come on...
Suit! What a pleasant fucking surprise.
- How you doing, Billy? - BILLY: I'm awful.
Yeah, well, maybe this will make you feel better.
"Queens Boulevard" is gonna open on 1,200 screens.
- ANNOUNCER: Willy is closing fast... - Yes!
- (ANNOUNCER CHATTERING) - Run!
Run, you fucking slag!
Come on!
Hello?
- ANNOUNCER: Hillbilly winning by a nose! - Fuck!
What a finishing kick on that horse!
(ANNOUNCER CONTINUES CHATTERING)
Fucking fillies, suit. Never count on a broad.
Did you hear me, Billy? 1,200 screens.
BILLY: Yeah, I fuckin' heard ya
and I already know all about it.
Why do you think I'm out blowing all my money
on booze and ponies? I'm depressed as shit.
Depressed? Billy, this is good news.
No, it ain't, suit. And it ain't gonna happen either.
I'm slapping those fucks with an injunction.
I'm gonna make sure that film never sees the light of day.
Jesus Christ, Billy. He's trying to kill the release of the movie.
- What? Why? - Why?
Because I'm not gonna let those douche bags
Aquaman-ify my movie.
Billy, where are you? We're gonna come see you.
Meet me at my girl's. I gotta go home
and tell her I lost the rent money again.
ARl: It's not true, Shauna!
Tell "Variety" they can suck my balls,
but clean it up.
You Indian now, Lloyd?
Jesus, you can see this?
This lying is making me break out. God, and I have a date tonight!
Well, I'm sure your date will pop that with his pecker, don't worry.
Tell me why you came in here or get out.
Barbara Miller's on three.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Now get out! Get out! I don't want to hear your bitch-ass whiny voice again.
Do you understand? Go go go!
- Hey, Babs, what are you wearin'? - We need to have lunch, Ari.
The word is out and it's spreading.
You mean that shit about you getting lipo?
Don't worry about that. You know, from what I hear,
Dr. Dessler's like a fucking Picasso with that knife.
Wake up, Ari. I'm coming to you as a friend.
People are mobilizing against you
and you need to know what's going on.
Now do you want a Caesar fucking salad or not?
Let me call you back, Barbara.
Speak, Lloyd.
You're not talking?
Rob Rubino's in the conference room.
Terrance fucking fired him?!
I did not say the "F" word.
(WHIMPERING) My... I... we...
I don't have the sk... the skill set...
I can't understand you through the whimpering, Rob. Talk to me...
- why did Terrance fire you? - Well, because he knows.
- What does he know? - He knows, Ari.
- They saw your name on my call sheet. - Fuck.
And they escorted me out of the building.
And then they gave everybody employment contracts
and they had to sign them by 5:00 p.m. This afternoon
saying that they wouldn't work for you.
- What should I do? - I don't know! I don't know,
but just stop fucking crying so I can think, okay?
Call Barbara, tell her I'll go to lunch.
You know, Eddie Burns offered me "Brothers McMullen."
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
True story. But I took a TV show instead.
Was that when you did your full-frontal "Red Shoe Diary"?
No, that's when I did my three-episode arc on "90210,"
sexually harassing Tori Spelling.
Nice choice.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
- ERIC: This can't be the right address. - Look, there he is.
Walsh, what is this, your house?
No, I'm house-sitting for my girl's folks.
They made a fortune off ginseng and kombucha drinks.
They won't let her see a dime of it though.
I'm just praying they drop dead before they raise the estate tax.
- How are you, Vince? - Good, good, how you doing?
So, what... what happened to "Queens Boulevard"?
- They butchered her. - They changed it?
They murdered her.
You wanna see the body?
Take care of yourself.
MAN: Hey, you ever coming back?
You kidding?
I am Queens Boulevard.
(PROJECTOR RATTLING)
Insane, ain't it?
Looks more like Willy Wonka's factory than Queens.
Now you see why I have to do what I have to do.
How could they ruin a great movie like that?
They're fucking animals
and they need to be put to sleep.
Sign the injunction with me and they'll know we ain't fucking around.
- What do you think, E? - I think we should call Ari.
One suit, two suit, three suit, four!
Look, Billy, I'm with you, all right?
But we have to talk to somebody first
before we just sign an injunction.
Can't afford to be pissing off another studio right now.
- Pussy. - Asshole.
All right, guys, chill.
Call Ari.
So who's picking up the tab on this little chow-down?
Relax, Ari, my treat.
(PHONE RINGING)
(BEEPS)
Greetings, Ari.
(SIGHS)
I always knew that you liked dick, Babs.
I just didn't know you were a cocksucker.
Please, join us.
It's like a meeting of the five families.
Maybe I should've had a gun taped up in the bathroom stall.
Look, all the majors are here...
CAA, UTA, ICM, Endeavor, William Morris.
Who the fuck invited APA?
- There it is. - There's no spots.
Just pull up in the red, I'll go grab one.
All right.
Cafe latte, $4.50.
Well, actually, I'm on my 10th purchase,
paid for the last nine,
so you'll be paying for that, bad boy.
Actually, I won't, 'cause we don't take those anymore.
What do you mean?
Too many people were counterfeiting them,
so we stopped.
Well, unfortunately, the only form of currency I have is that card,
so either you accept that card or you're gonna have to eat that drink.
I'm not gonna have to eat anything.
Anybody ordering a cafe latte?
- Right here. - Hey, wait, wait, hold on, hold on.
That... that's my drink.
Get me the manager.
Yeah, well, you tell Ari when you find him
- that he needs to call me back. - LLOYD: I will indeed.
- ERIC: Ari's M.I.A. - What the fuck is he so busy with?
Press conference is in three hours. We can't be sitting
- on our asses doing nothing. - Attaboy, Vince.
Well, fuck Ari! Fuck this injunction.
- Let's handle this ourselves. - VINCE: What do you have in mind?
I got Jamie Burke's number from Lloyd.
Don't waste your minutes. I already called. They ain't seeing nobody.
Well, if they ever want to do another movie with Vince, they'll see us.
I like your newfound balls, suit.
My rapper's signing a big deal this month,
but I still have time to handle Vince as well.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
TURTLE: Aw, shit.
Excuse me. Can you leave your number on the windshield?
Yeah.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
And I'm afraid I'm going to have to say no,
'cause I ain't going anywhere until I get my free cup of coffee!
Jesus Christ, Drama! What the fuck?
They discontinued my free coffee card.
Listen, pal, I'll buy you the lousy $3 cup of coffee.
You really want to get involved in this, dickhead?
Drama, Drama, come on, come on!
You don't need any more coffee.
You're wired up enough as it is.
You only got 15 minutes to get to Ed Burns.
Fuck it. Fuck all of you!
I'm gonna go get me a pilot!
But I will be back and you will give me a free cup of coffee.
Oh, fuck, the car!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, come back here!
Turtle, call a cab!
Come on, Ari, you really think we haven't been watching you?
I don't know. Have you been watching me?
Yes, we have. And we know what you've been up to.
- What have I been to? - MAN: Why don't you tell us?
Why should I tell you if you already know?
(ALL YELLING)
All right, come on, this is getting us nowhere here.
Let me just say this... I've known you for 20 years.
- Yeah. - I always knew
that you were a smug little rat with grand aspirations.
That's why it was such a shock to me to see you
sitting in that little boutique agency of yours
for the last nine months.
But I guess... I've seen this before...
it's all a ruse in your master plan.
Master plan?
Look, Ari, simply put,
we're here to assure you that the eight of us
who represent most of the power in this town
are lined up to say
that if you go near one of our clients
or one of our agents
or even one of our highly-prized mailroom boys,
we will all come down on you
with the wrath of 10,000 suns.
You know what's interesting...
(CLEARS THROAT) about that...
is that you used the words
"master plan" and "rat"
when talking about me, you Hitler-loving, anti-Semitic cunt-bag.
- (GROANS, CHATTERING) - ARl: I can only hope,
that 50% of the power at this table is as offended as I am.
Ari! Is it true?
MAN: Come on. Yes or no.
Okay, you got me. I'm setting up my own shop.
- (GRUNTS, GROANS) - Thank you, thank you.
Ari Gold is back and gonna be bigger than ever.
But I assure you, and I swear this
on my children's names,
I have no intention
of going after any of your clients or your agents.
- Only his. - Really, Ari?
Really, Terrance.
And with whose money do you plan on funding all this, Ari?
Yours, you cockney fuck.
You signed the settlement papers, didn't you?
Yes.
But I didn't sign any checks and I won't.
Ari, I'll happily spend $50 million over the next 10 years
to make sure that you don't even get a dime today.
Call everyone on that list. Emergency Hamlet session, now!
- Ari, Vince and E called twice. - (PHONES RINGING)
- And they do not seem happy. - I will call them back, Lloyd.
Did you not fucking hear me? This is not a drill. This is an emergency!
Well, who's going to man the phones?
Fuck the phones, Lloyd!
Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-fuck,
don't answer!
82% excellent. That's pretty good.
It's more than pretty good. That's "Greek Wedding" good.
And what these test scores tell us
is that black-and-white is depressing.
- People want color. - Why have those eyes
- if people can't see 'em, Vince? - They might as well be brown.
I didn't make this movie to show off my eye coloring.
Vince, you not only look great in the movie,
you are... great in the movie.
And with this version we will attract a much broader audience.
And isn't that what making movies is all about?
Well, actually, I mean, it's an art film.
The only way you know it's good is if most people hate it.
I'm sorry, but we are not in the business
of having people hate our movies.
Guys, I love your passion,
but trust me, there's nothing unartistic about making money.
You're driving like a snail.
- I could run faster than this. - All right, you know what?
We're here. Go get 'em.
- I'm 20 minutes late. - So run!
All right! Great news.
The Gold Standard Agency will be starting its expansion
ahead of schedule. Instead of September 1,
we are going to be starting today.
- Yeah! - (CHEERING)
Slight problem, though.
None of you will be getting paid for about six months.
- WOMAN: What? - (GROANING, MURMURING)
People, come on. The first year at Google
they paid their staff with paper clips.
Now the guy that scrubbed the toilets has got a billion five.
Who's with me? Come on, anybody?
- I'm with you, Ari. - Like you've got a fucking choice.
- Anybody else? Who's with me? - This is bullshit, Ari.
MAN: You cannot be serious. MAN 2: You told us...
we had papers put in front of us today.
- Come on, everybody, listen. - I have a choice.
(ALL GRUMBLING, SHOUTING)
A little bit of patience, you guys, please.
Come on, you gotta...
Hey, Babs, the Traitorous Skanks Anonymous meeting's next door.
Let's talk.
I can't believe that you set me up after all I've done for you...
Ari, I needed to see your cards.
- You've seen 'em. - How much do you need?
- What?! - Come on, I want to be partners.
- Why? - Because I believe in you.
And because I can't work with my ex-husband anymore.
No shot, this is my deal.
Ari, you have no money and I have too much.
- So what do you want? - To fuck.
(SNICKERS)
Kidding.
I want 60% and my name on top.
- I'd rather fuck. - 55.
- 45. - 51.
49.
(ARI CLEARS THROAT)
Ladies and gentlemen,
I present to you,
Miller-Gold! Huh?
(CHEERING)
We sound like a fuckin' beer.
- (SIGHS) - This was the one, Turtle.
I'm officially a loser.
I don't know about "officially."
What do you want me to say, Drama?
You gotta get the temper under control.
- Yeah. - You gotta know that.
I do, I do. In fact, I was thinking about taking that anger management thing
- the judge recommended last year. - You should.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - Johnny Drama, Eddie Burns.
- Eddie? - BURNS: Yeah, hey, look...
- Burns? - I've been trying to get your number
for over an hour, but nobody's picking up the phone at your agency.
(STAMMERS) Really?
Yeah, listen, I'm sorry I had to bail on you today.
I got an emergency and I'm off to New York.
- So you weren't at your office? - No.
Christ, I was standing out there for like an hour.
Well, look, I'm... I'm real sorry,
but I want to talk to you about this thing I'm shooting.
Hey, look, Eddie, I know I can do this.
I know you can do it too, Drama.
Truth is, I really just wanted to see you today
to make sure you hadn't aged too badly.
Aged? Me? Come on!
I carded at Barney's Beanery Thursday night.
Okay okay, Drama. So you'll do this?
Are you offering this to me? I don't have to audition or nothing?
Drama, you did something for me when you passed on "Brothers McMullen."
- I didn't pass. - Drama, come on.
You passed to do a little arc on "90210," it's cool.
I ended up having to put myself in the movie,
- changed my whole life. - (CHUCKLES)
- Awesome. - All right, so I'll see you on set.
Okay, thanks.
I just got a pilot.
Yes! Yeah!
Victory!
And anger management?
Fuck anger management.
WOMAN: Well, after seeing a cut of the film,
we instantly fell in love with it.
From the moment the end credits rolled,
it was obvious to me...
- Did you get it, Johnny? - Yep.
- It's easier than I thought. - Congratulations, Drama.
Thanks, bro.
- There you are, Vincent. - Jesus, I thought you abandoned me.
Never. I came as fast as I could.
They're about to introduce you.
Right. Look, I love you.
Don't worry, I think I got this handled.
- You cool with this? - You gotta do what you gotta do.
TURTLE: What's he gotta do? SHAUNA: Yeah, what's he gotta do?
- You'll see. - Oh, great.
MAN: A great young talent.
Ah, these motherfuckin' pieces of shit.
I'm gonna fuckin' hit somebody, there's no fuckin' doubt in my mind.
Go lightly, Billy. Life is short.
Go fuck your mother, Drama.
- Where you been? - What, is there a problem?
The house is packed, our boy is looking great.
You know Barbara, right?
Hey.
See all these cameras?
ARl: Each one represents a million dollars overseas.
- Cha-ching. - ERIC: I don't think so, Ari.
Oh yeah? Why not?
- WOMAN: Ladies and gentlemen... - What? Speak.
...to introduce to you now the star of "Queens Boulevard,"
- Mr. Vincent Chase. - (CROWD APPLAUDING)
- (YELLING, CHEERING) - Vinnie!
Thank you.
"Queens Boulevard" is a masterpiece.
And I'm not just saying that
because I'm in it or to sell you.
I'm saying it because I really truly believe it.
Unfortunately, you'll never see the film I'm talking about,
because these people up here, these execs,
ripped out its soul.
Because like all studios in this town
- they don't give a shit about art. - (REPORTERS CHATTERING)
They only care about one thing... money.
Fuck commerce!
Any questions? Yes.
Great start to the new company, huh?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)