(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(PUNK ROCK SONG PLAYING)
What do you think... five-button Dolce too edgy
or just right?
It depends. You shooting the pilot or serving finger food?
Don't give me a hard time today, Turtle, please!
So big day all around. Everyone excited?
- What are you doing, Vince? - Can't you tell? Look.
- I'm channeling Joey Ramone. - Joey didn't play guitar, Vince.
No, that's Johnny, who I'd be perfect for by the way, Vince.
You know, maybe do a little brother-brother piece.
They weren't really related, Drama.
- Like anyone believes these two are. - What the fuck, Turtle?
I told you I got a big day today. I don't need this shit!
Easy, Drama, I'm just playing!
Yo, play with someone who doesn't have a two-page monologue.
What's the matter, Johnny? You nervous?
I haven't had a real part in a long time,
and, uh, I got this big monologue to do.
Maybe you should take a Xanax.
No, no Xanax. You can't act on Xanax.
You can't act when you're having a panic attack either.
Why would you say "panic attack"?
I haven't had a panic attack since '95.
I don't need you to go putting that shit in my head!
Relax, Drama. You're going to kill it.
You know what I do when I'm anxious, right?
No, what?
- I whack off. - (VINCE SNICKERS)
Yeah, that's great, Turtle. I'm gonna whack off.
I'm serious. Will you trust me on this?
A good tug takes away all your anxiety.
Yeah, so does a good laugh. Thanks, man. I'm outta here.
Ah-ooh-gah!
- Knock 'em dead, Drama. - Good luck.
- Thanks, guys. - I'm gonna roll too.
Heading over to Paramount with Bob and Ari.
First meeting. Sure you shouldn't be there?
No, Ari says it's more mysterious if I don't show. Besides, I promised Turtle
- I'd take him shopping. - For what?
New limited kicks they're dropping over at Undefeated.
With my "Saigon" money burning a hole in my pocket,
I may just have to buy them all.
Good investment strategy, Turtle.
- I'll see you guys. - Go get 'em, E.
This could be a big one.
(PUNK ROCK SONG PLAYING)
Ah, the Boy Wonder.
- Can you smell it? - Smell what?
Napalm.
"Love the smell of napalm in the morning.
"It smells like victory."
Glad you sound confident, Ari. Where's Bob?
I thought you were gonna call him.
You said you were gonna call him.
- I did? - Yeah, you did.
But you didn't, which is why I did.
Eric, you did not. Tell me you did not call Bob.
We have enough problems with the studio as it is, all right?
I don't need this old fuck keeling over right in the middle of my flow.
It's his project, Ari.
That's exactly why he doesn't need to be here!
- What? - He's protected.
We get him wet with Vince first, I guarantee you they will fuck us.
We blow our load with Bob, and we might not even get our balls tickled.
Ari, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about,
but you're making me uncomfortable.
(HORN HONKS)
(BRAKES SQUEAK)
What, did he mug Liberace on the way over here?
Be nice.
- Hey, Bob. - Hey, Bob.
Did you try to screw me out of this meeting, Ari?
Are you kidding me? Simple case of miscommunication.
- Let's not have another one. - We won't, Bob. I promise.
- Remember who found this project. - Remember where you found it...
underneath your pillow. If it wasn't for me
they wouldn't have uncovered it until your estate sale.
This thing is hot, Eric. I can feel it.
I'm looking forward to this meeting.
Me too, Bob.
You think Dawnie will be there?
Dawnie who?
Dawn Steele, the head of the studio.
Bob, Dawn Steele died nine years ago.
Oh my God, you're right.
I went to her funeral.
(VINCE CHUCKLES)
Jeez!
I don't get it. All these people are on line for sneakers?
Oh yeah. Some of them probably even camped out all night.
- For sneakers? - Vince, these ain't just sneakers.
- These are limited edition Fukijamas. - Fuki-what-as?
Oh, Vince. You know sometimes you're so cultureless.
Fukijama is one of the most famous graffiti artists in the world.
Every year Nike commissions him to do a limited drop.
200 pairs this year.
After that he destroys the pattern and they're never to be made again.
So they're holding a pair for you?
Nah, they refused to do so.
But it's an unwritten law in America:
Bring a movie star, go right to the front of the line.
Turtle, are you nuts? These people will kill us if we cut.
Nah, they'll be thrilled just to get a glimpse of you.
I'm not cutting, Turtle.
Way to be a man of the people, Aquaman.
- Vince, these are limited... - Back of the line, Turtle.
You're lucky I'm even willing to wait.
Hi, I'm Johnny Chase. I was just wondering, where do I check in?
Uh, let me see. We got you...
- Drama! - Oh, Jesus, Ed!
You okay?
Yeah, you just startled me a bit.
Cool cool. Good to see you.
Jesus, man, your hands feel like you just got out of the lap pool.
A little nervous?
Nervous? Me? No, no, I'm not nervous. I feel great.
Good, well, you're gonna feel even greater in a second
because I just beefed up your monologue.
You added to my monologue?
Yeah yeah, just a couple of paragraphs.
Just think: Three minutes, your face, and a lens.
Every actor's fantasy, right?
Great great.
I'm a little nervous.
It's all good, Bob. Just relax.
It's been a long time since I had a meeting with so much on the line.
So, what are you thinking for strategy, Ari?
I'm thinking that I talk and you guys listen.
Well, I'm a little more personable than you are.
What if I lead things off with a joke
or a trick? I brought a...
a deck of cards.
You brought cards. He brought cards.
- I don't think we need cards, Bob. - Nah.
I'm not comfortable just not talking, so what then?
Why don't you play solitaire?
You know what? I don't like your attitude.
- Gentlemen. - ARl: There he is.
How are you, Brad?
Bradley! Bob Ryan. Nice to meet you.
I'm the producer, in case you had to guess.
Of course, yeah. It's a pleasure. Come on in, guys.
You need anything to drink... anything?
I'd love a cup of Sanka.
Sanka, get... get him a S-Sanka.
I hope you brought your checkbook, 'cause you're gonna want
- to buy this one in the room. - Great, tell me about it.
- How do I get there? - Where do you want to get?
- I want to get there. - Have a seat.
- But... - Let him through, Ari, Jesus!
Okay, fellas, let's get going here.
- We're excited about this one... - Bradley, what if I was to tell you
that you could make this picture for nothing,
win an Oscar, and gross $100 million?
Is that something you might be interested in?
I think I would, Bob.
(LAUGHS)
- Thanks, Vince. - Hey, thanks, homes.
- No problem, man. - PHOTOGRAPHER: Vince Chase, over here!
Come on, guys, I think you got enough.
- Just a couple more, Vince. - Hey guys, thanks.
Thanks for your patience.
We got no shot here, Vin, no shot.
Don't worry. I'm feeling good about this.
Yo, Turtle, check it out, man. Last set of 9s.
I'm a 10, dickhead.
Little-ass feet.
Still feeling good?
Yeah, I am. But I don't get it.
If this was so important, why didn't you get up
and stand on line like the rest of these guys?
'Cause I had you, which is like having
a roll-out-of-bed-late-and- still-get-the-kicks card.
If you stop with the negativity, I will get you these sneakers.
- How? - Will you stop with the negativity?
- Yes. - Then I will get you the sneakers.
Yo, listen up! The Fuks are done. We're sold out.
(DISAPPOINTED GROANS)
- How, Vince, how? - I'm calling Tracy at Nike.
You don't think I called her yesterday?
She's got nothing to do with this. These are limited.
The only way we could have got them was
- if we cut the fucking line! - All right, I get it.
Yo, Santa Monica has a few pairs left. You'd better hurry.
Come on, Turtle, let's hit it.
You want to race all these people to Santa Monica?
If we have to, because we are getting you those sneakers.
I love the positivity, Vin, but it ain't gonna happen.
All right. You know what? Let's not even try.
Aw, fuck that. We're definitely trying.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
You are not a pussy. You are not a pussy.
You are not a pussy.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
We're ready for you, Johnny.
And I'm ready for you, baby.
Ah-ooh-gah! Yeah yeah!
There he is! What do you say, Johnny?
Hey hey hey! I'm gonna kill this, man. I'm gonna kill it.
I like the confidence. I want to talk to you about the blocking, though.
The blocking? What blocking?
The script says I'm sitting at a table.
I know, but I came up with a great shot.
We're gonna do the whole thing on the move.
On the move? I'm doing my monologue on the move?
Yeah yeah, just like this. Just like life, walking and talking.
It's gonna be beautiful.
I don't know, Eddie. It's a long speech.
I know, and the guys at the network don't think we can do it
but I told them we got the guy that can.
Johnny, yo, where are you going?
I left the iron on in my trailer. I'll be right back.
You are not a pussy. You are not a pussy.
(STAGE BELL RINGS)
You are not a pussy. You are not a pussy.
I think that went very well.
Very well? You lost him at "Sanka."
The man said, and I'm quoting, "This is not for us."
They didn't want a biopic.
I have never been turned down in the room before, never.
It didn't sound like a turndown to me.
It sounded like he just needed to hear a little more.
He couldn't hear anything because you wouldn't stop talking.
What did you expect? I had to wing it. You had no plan.
I had a plan... for you to shut the fuck up.
I don't like how he's speaking to me, Eric.
Don't speak to him like that, Ari.
(IMITATING BOB) What if I were to tell you I had a 22-inch cock?
Is that something you might be interested in?
- Jesus fucking Christ... - Are you mocking me?
Why would I mock you?
Everyone knows the best way to close a studio deal
is to pull a quarter out of the president's ear.
Ari, it's no one's fault. It just wasn't for them.
E, they have no idea what's for them.
That's what I do. I sell.
It's not your project to sell, Ari.
Vince is my client. Without Vince,
it's just a bunch of chopped up trees with words on them.
You sanctimonious little piece of crap,
I put years of my life into this script.
- Bob, relax. - It's my fucking score, Eric,
and he denigrates. He has no respect.
I have 50 years in this business!
Time was when I'd walk into the Derby...
they'd kick Coppola out on his ass
to get me a table!
Time was there was no sound in movies, Bob.
Ari, let me handle this.
Bob, I hear you, and I promise you
you're going to get everything you want as soon as we set this up.
But Ari does do this every day, so what do you say
on the next meeting we let him do his thing?
Okay.
But for you, because you're a nice boy with kind eyes.
Thanks, Bob.
Okay, Ari, it's your show.
You call the plays and I'll provide the color.
No. No fucking color, Bob.
Tell him no color, E.
Let's skip the color, Bob.
If things go badly, then maybe you step in.
Okay, I'll step in when it's appropriate.
So where to next?
Disney. Remember Disney, Bob?
- Yes, I remember. - The big ears, the little mouse?
I screen-tested Cybill Shepherd there...
tons of talent, no underpants.
How 'bout that, huh? Fantastic.
E, roll with me, we'll save some gas. I'll drop you off.
Okay. You want to roll with us, Bob?
In that Nazi sled? I don't think so.
All right, well, I'll see you over there.
Ah, good. It's ringing... finally.
Don't matter. They won't hold 'em, even for celebs.
I'm just telling you how the system works.
(PHONE RINGS)
Undefeated, Santa Monica.
Hi, how are you? I'm Vince Chase. I'm an actor.
You mean Aquaman?
- Yeah. - Wow, what's up?
Well, I'm kind of desperate for a size 10 pair of the Fukiyamas...
Fukijamas, Vince. Fukijamas.
He knows what I'm talking about.
- Man, I've only got one 11. - He's got an 11. You want 'em?
- Is he gonna hold 'em? - Do you want 'em?
Fuck yeah! If he's gonna hold 'em I'll wear three pairs of socks!
Yeah, listen, I'm on my way down there. Will you hold them for me?
Actually, I'd love to, but we're not allowed to hold these for anyone,
even celebrities.
It would really mean a lot to me.
Tssst, I knew they wouldn't hold them.
$1500 cash in your pocket when I arrive.
There you go.
Hey Vince, I can't take your money, man.
But if this is really you, my sister, man, she's a huge fan of yours.
If you were to show up at her birthday party,
take a few pictures with her and her annoying friends,
man, it would be like you were family.
I could never say no to family.
- These shoes are cool? - The coolest.
(SIGHS) All right, fine, you got a deal.
Nice!
But you still gotta hurry,
'cause if people find these hidden back here,
they're going to tear me alive.
All right, thanks.
We in?
Say I have juice. Go ahead, come on.
Say it.
You have juice, Vince.
All right, good, hurry up. Santa Monica.
We're doing 75 on Olympic. What do you want me to do?
What are you doing? I thought we were going to Disney.
No, Universal.
You told Bob Disney, Ari.
Did I?
What are you, fucking eight years old? Unreal.
- GUARD: Good morning. - Ari Gold to see Jacqueline Stone.
- There you go. - Thank you, sir.
Sir, what's that name again?
Ryan, Bob Ryan. R-Y-A-N.
I'm here to see the president of the studio.
Yeah, well, I don't have a drive-on for a Bob Ryan.
(SIGHS)
You can use the phone over there and call the president's office.
Who's the president again?
(PHONE RINGING)
He's not answering, Ari.
It's 'cause he can't hear it.
Why don't you get a direct line to his hearing aid?
I'm not going in there without him.
- Be reasonable, E. - Blow me.
(LAUGHS) That's not very nice.
Jacqueline's ready for you.
Actually we're waiting for a third.
Is there any way we can push it back a few minutes?
I can ask, but her schedule's really tight.
She leaves for New York in 25 minutes.
- Let's go, E. - Fine.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Oop...
If you need to put your phone on vibrate
and it's your first meeting, press one!
(LAUGHS) Ari, what a pleasure.
- Sorry. - (CHUCKLES) Come right on in.
Hi, how are you?
BOTH: It's nice to meet you.
Drama?
Yo, Drama, let's go, bro.
Dude, you in there?
You are not a pussy. You are not a pussy.
(BANGING ON DOOR)
- You are not a puss... - Yo, Drama, what the fuck, man?
You are a pussy.
Look at you. You make me sick.
Suck it up, you little bitch!
Yo, Drama! You're murdering my whole fucking day here.
What are you gonna do?
Huh, what are you gonna do?
Jesus fuckin'...
Two minutes, Eddie, and I'll be all good.
Fuck, does anybody know what the fuck he's doing in there?
(CHUCKLES) I do.
His mike's still on.
DRAMA: Oh yeah... Oh, baby...
- (LAUGHING) - Ooh... ahh...
Jesus Christ. Beano, come here, you gotta hear this.
Forget about it. He's rubbing one out.
Unbelievable.
Ooh...
Oh yeah, look at you...
- TURTLE: Fuck! - What?
I think that's DJ AM's car.
- So? - Sneakerhead, size 11. Not good.
Just chill.
Tell me you're going a size up nowadays, AM.
No dice, Turtle. I'm sorry, man. What's up, Vince?
Just trying to get my boy some sneaks. What's up?
I was doing better before you started negotiating.
You know what I had to go through to get these?
Not only do I have to spin this kid's sister's birthday party,
I gotta have it in my Club LAX.
Look, Turtle's desperate for those shoes. Anything I can do?
I'm sorry, man, there's no dice.
I've been waiting on these since Christmas, man.
- I knew about them in November. - You got me there.
But I got these. Later, Vince.
Late.
Come on, man.
Yo, sorry, Vince, but I didn't actually think that was you on the phone.
Besides, that cat's gonna pay for my sister's birthday party, dog.
And that's more important than your word, kid?
Come on, homey, you know how it is in this crazy little world of ours.
- No rules apply. - What a nightmare.
Come on, let's go.
I'm sorry, Turtle. Come on, I'm really sorry.
I hate it when you're mad at me.
First I lose my rapper, then I lose my limiteds.
I'm not mad, Vin, I'm just sad.
I'm really really sad.
Did I tell you or did I tell you?
I'm like motherfucking Caesar.
I came, I saw, I conquered!
Ari, I gotta admit you were fucking awesome.
- Did I take care of Bob? - You did. Now call him and tell him.
You call him. I'm going to call Paramount and get a bidding war started.
Paramount passed, Ari.
Paramount passed before they found out Universal didn't pass.
It's like high school, E. You can't fuck the prom queen
till she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
(BEEPS)
No answer. He must be miserable.
The more miserable he is, the bigger the upswing when he gets the good news.
That's great, Ari.
Nobody went up there and told you nothing.
It's not the same anymore.
It's different now. It's not just happening over there,
it's not just happening over there. It's happening here.
It's happening everywhere.
All three of them went boom boom boom, one after the next.
He's good.
I'm not just gonna stand around and let that happen to nobody,
not in my town.
Not in any of my five towns.
ED: All right, Johnny, that was perfect.
That was great, man. Guys, do me a favor: Keep rolling,
zoom in a little bit. Just want to grab a couple of reaction shots, all right?
Reaction shots?
Yeah, can you give me one where you're... you're angry?
Okay, angry.
All right.
ED: Nice nice.
Let's get one where you're just like a little bit sad.
Sad?
(SNORTS)
All right, good, good. Let's do one more where, um,
you're kind of a little bit embarrassed.
Embarrassed?
Why would I be embarrassed?
Well look, you just poured your heart and soul out to this guy, right?
You don't even know if he was listening.
You don't even know if he gives a shit.
Uh, I don't know that I'm feeling embarrassed about that.
(WHISPERING) Look, before, when you went to your trailer?
- Yeah. - You had your mike on
when you were whackin' it.
All right? The entire crew heard you.
(CREW SNICKERING)
Got it. Great. Guys, that's a wrap.
Johnny, great job.
(ALL CHEERING)
DRAMA: You know, the guy's a genius.
He'll do whatever he's got to do to get it on film.
And you know what? You were right. Your method works.
Next time anxiety rears its ugly head,
I'm just gonna beat it back down.
Glad you had a great day, Drama.
- Thanks, Turtle. - Mine sucked.
I don't care how much it costs.
Okay, cool. Bye.
Who do you keep whispering sweet nothings to over there?
Start filling out your W-2, Vince.
- You're going back to work. - Yeah?
Universal's in. Ari's gonna get Paramount to match it or better.
- I'm gonna be Joey Ramone? - It's just a question of for how much.
Nice! Good work!
Glad to see you all had good days.
- What's with this one? - Couldn't get the sneakers he wanted.
But I got him the best weed in L.A. To make up for it.
I don't want to smoke, Vin. It'll make me cry.
Oh, come on. Let's go.
All right.
- So is Bob excited? - That's a whole other story.
- Totally uncool of Ari. - And Bob won't call me back.
Hey guys, I feel bad for Bob and all,
but I've got my own career going on finally.
- Yeah, and? - And I'm a little concerned
about where the fuck we are.
(CHUCKLES) Relax, we're cool. Turtle, pull over here.
You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, Christ.
All right, Turtle. Go ask for Jimmy and give him this.
- What is it? - Emergency fund. Go.
- No one's going with me? - Nope.
Vince, what the hell is going on?
I feel like Sonny Corleone at the toll booth.
Come on, Turtle, have I ever put you in harm's way?
- No. - Then go, Turtle, go.
'Sup, fellas?
Is Jimmy around?
He's inside.
Inside? All right.
I'll walk you in.
- You Turtle? - Yeah, you Jimmy?
Yeah.
I hear you like my sneakers.
Holy shit! Wait, you're Fukijama?
What, you don't live in Japan?
Born and raised in Glendale, my man.
I'm sorry the new kicks went so quick,
but I made you an even more limited edition.
Only one... of one.
Holy...
Can I...?
- 5,000? - A little bit more.
- For sneakers? - 5,250.
A little bit more.
Jesus Christ. For sneakers, Vince?
You need mental help.
They're not just sneakers, E.
They're wearable art.
Besides, the joy that Turtle's feeling right now is worth every penny.
5,500.
A little bit more.
- Christ. - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Yeah, Ari? - E, I have Ari and Bob for you.
Ari, here's E and Bob.
Bob, you have E and Ari...
Shut the fuck up, Lloyd. Bob, you there?
- We got some great news, Bob. - You're all taken care of, Bob.
Oh, you bet I am, Ari, because nobody fucks Bob but Bob.
Bob, Ari is so sorry. Ari, tell him you're sorry.
I am sorry, Bob.
And nobody fucked you, Bob. You got everything you wanted.
You're right, Eric, I did,
'cause after I got tossed off the Disney lot
I went around the block to see my old friend Alan at Warners, and...
(CHUCKLES) man, does he hate young Vincent.
Bob, tell me you didn't do something stupid.
Stupid, Ari? What if I was to tell you
that I sold the picture to my friend Alan?
Is that something you might be interested in?
- Bob, let's talk about this. - Hold on. Bob...
I've talked enough.
Bob?
- Bob? - Bob, let's talk about this.
Lloyd!
Get Bob back!
Bob. Bob!
What's going on?
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Bob just sold the project to Warners.
Wow.
That's not good.
- No, it's not. - (DOOR OPENS)
You ready?
(IMITATES CHOIR)
How sweet are these?
Ehh.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing, I just spent 20 grand on sneakers and I don't have a job.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)