(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICE MAIL: Hey guys, it's Amanda... again.
Have we thought any more about the Sam Mendes movie?
He's called four times.
I need an answer, so please please call me back.
It's her fourth call. What do you wanna do?
Call her back... when we have an answer.
Now let's talk about the trip.
- What about it? - Just tell me why you hate Michelle.
I don't hate Michelle. I just don't wanna travel with her again.
- Why? - Why?
Yeah, why? We didn't have a great time in Tahoe?
No, we didn't. She walked around the condo naked the whole time, Vince,
made Sloan totally uncomfortable.
- Sloan said she was uncomfortable? - She didn't have to say it.
It was obvious when she wanted to eat all of our meals in the bedroom.
- Okay, fine. I'll find someone else. - (CHUCKLES) No...
you're not just gonna find someone else, okay?
Travel compatibility's the most important part of a trip.
I'll find someone good to go, I promise.
- DRAMA: Go where? - Yeah, where are we going?
We're not going anywhere.
Vince?
We're going up to Napa. It's a couples weekend.
- But you ain't a couple, Vin. - I'm working on it.
You're going to wine country, and we're not invited?
What the fuck?
You know what, Drama? Don't even worry about it.
With Mom and Dad gone,
we'll have the entire house to ourselves for our bitches.
- True. - What bitches do you have, Turtle?
We don't have them yet, but we will by day's end, trust me.
We're going to the Laurel Canyon dog park.
- What's over there? - "LA Magazine"
picked it as the hottest spot in the city to pick up girls.
Ah, that's why Arnold looks so spiffy.
You know it, baby.
You guys should have groomed yourselves.
Please, E, in certain cultures it's illegal to look this good.
You're a regular fucking felony, Drama.
- (HISSES) Later. - Come on, boy.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- It's Amanda. - Mmm-mm-mmm.
There he is, back from the wars.
- MAN: Hey, Ari! - Love it.
Tell Jason I need that call, all right?
Remind her. Lloyd, don't fill up.
I'm taking you to the Grill for lunch today.
Really? Am I getting promoted?
Don't be ridiculous. You've been on my desk for 16 months.
It's gonna be at least another 24.
- 24? - Sacrifice, Lloyd.
Like the kamikaze pilots used to do, all right?
Today you're gonna learn how to sign a client.
Oh... oh, exciting.
- Who is it? - Jay Lester.
- The TV writer? - The syndication machine.
Fuck actors! Too much heartache.
You sign Jim Carrey so you can get the guy that created Drew Carey.
Right? Jay fired his agency yesterday,
and we have to nail this guy.
- S-so why am I going? - Because he's a queen, just like you.
He's never had a straight agent, and if I'm going to be his first,
I have to show him that I am a friend to the gay man.
But you're not a friend to the gay man, Ari.
Lloyd, this is the big one.
So just go grab your best dress, and know that today
your love of cock is a huge asset to this company.
- ERIC: You're mad. - I'm not mad. I'm surprised.
I thought you wanted to go away alone with me.
- I did. I do. - So what happened?
Vince kind of invited himself.
I didn't wanna insult him.
Babe, I doubt Vince is that sensitive.
Oh, yes he is, trust me,
especially when it comes to trips.
When we were kids, I never took one without him.
My dad took us to Epcot Center,
Vince was there;
Busch Gardens, Vince was there;
Old Williamsburg, Vince was there...
and trust me, nobody wants to go to Williamsburg.
The guy, he gets separation anxiety.
He freaks out if I'm more than 100 miles away from him.
I think it's mutual.
- Oh, you do? - Yup.
You're a little Vince's boy.
What are you saying, I don't wanna go away with you?
I don't know.
- What are you doing? - Making sure you do know.
Vince, let's grab a coffee.
You're so tough.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow. All these years,
I been wondering where girls hide during the day.
Well, let's make up for lost time, shall we?
All right. What do you say we start
with Little Miss Fluffy-White-Poodle over there?
That's not a poodle, Turtle.
That's a Lhasa apso.
Whatever. Check out the ass on the broad walking it.
She's not for us. Lhasa apsos are very finicky dogs.
And finicky dogs have finicky owners, and finicky owners
wait two weeks before they even give you a tug.
All right, Drama, then you choose.
I can't. There's too many to choose from.
- It's like Mardi Gras. - Yeah.
GIRL: Oh my God, look at that handsome devil.
Looks like Arnold chose for us.
Oh... my... God,
he is so beautiful.
You too.
Your puppy... he's beautiful.
I've had rotts my whole life.
- Us too. - Really?
- TURTLE: Oh yeah. - True dog people know
that a Rott's tough exterior is merely a protective shell
that hides a wealth of sensitivity they have within.
(BOTH GIGGLING)
I've never heard that before.
But I like it.
I'm not suggesting that you flirt with the guy, all right?
Then what are you suggesting?
I'm suggesting that you look at Jay Lester
like you look at Brad Pitt, 'cause that's what he is...
the Brad Pitt of TV writing.
Brad Pitt is not my type, Ari. I hate blue eyes.
I like more of a brown-eyed doe-eyed look.
Pretend it's fucking Bambi you're eating with then, Lloyd, but smile.
There he is.
- That does not look like Bambi. - Smile, Lloyd.
- Yo, how'd you get here? - I cabbed it.
- Thanks. - See? I can cope.
What did you want to talk about? Sounded important.
Nah, nothing. I just wanted to talk about this weekend.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Shit.
- Amanda? - Yup.
I get it. She's stressing you out
'cause Mendes is stressing her out.
I don't wanna be stressed.
Let's go away this weekend. We'll have some wine,
think about "Glimpses" and we'll tell her when we get back.
- We need a nice vacation. - Yeah, we do.
I don't want you flipping through your Rolodex looking for a girl.
- Oh, no need. I got the perfect girl. - Who?
That girl Lindsay, from Sloan's charity event.
The one you fucked in the coat-room?
She was nice, right?
I mean, you fucked her in the coat-room.
Don't be so judgmental. She's studying labor law. She's very bright.
You've never even been on a date with her.
That's what she said. Then she said, "Wow, this would be a great first date."
- Is it cool? - No, not really.
- Sloan won't like her? - It's not that Sloan won't like her,
but Sloan doesn't wanna go away on a first date with you.
- Why not? - 'Cause it'll annoy her.
Last month, we went to Mastro's with that girl Stacy.
You guys were making out, holding hands the whole time.
- It totally freaked Sloan out. - She was freaked out?
Why didn't you tell me? I would have apologized.
Although, it was Sloan who ordered all those shots.
It's cool. You don't have to apologize.
God, I didn't realize Sloan was so uptight.
She's not uptight.
But girls, they go away, they don't wanna go with anyone.
I don't have anyone else I wanna go with.
- Really? - Really.
Fuck, that sucks.
(SIGHS) Yeah, it does suck.
We are in the clear.
- Really? - Yup.
Heading over now to plan our romantic getaway.
Nice work.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
- What's wrong? - (SIGHS) Them.
I get shy when Maddy watches me.
Arnold, beat it.
(DOGS WHINING)
Maybe, if I do this...
(LAUGHS) Nice.
- (DOGS GROWLING) - (YELPING)
Oh my God!
- (SCREAMS) - Oh, shit.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
I don't need another TV show, Ari.
What I need is my own network.
Fuck ABC, NBC and CBS. Why make them richer?
I love it: Jay TV.
Prey on my vanity. That's... that's priceless.
(ARI CHUCKLES)
- This one's shy, huh? - Me? No.
No? Would you like to try a sand dab, Lloyd? They're delicious.
- No, thank you. - No? You don't like sand dabs?
No, I do, I just have a rule I don't eat food off other people's plates.
(LAUGHS)
- It's a pretty silly rule. - It is.
- Try a sand dab, Lloyd. - Come on, Lloyd, you'll love 'em.
You know what they say, rules were meant to be broken.
Oh, put that away. Here we are. Open up.
Aah...
Yum!
Look, Ari, everyone knows
you're a god when it comes to making your clients rich,
but guess what? I'm already rich.
So I ask you this... can you make me happy?
Eh... and if you can,
can you keep me happy?
- Jay, may I speak freely? - Certainly, Lloyd. But project.
- Yeah, Lloyd, project. - (CLEARS THROAT)
The Miller Gold Standard is a full-service agency.
I've been at three majors over the past four years...
- Wow. ...and I can assure you,
none can provide the full range of services that we can.
I guarantee that all of your needs will be handled.
I guarantee that you will be happy.
Here comes the airplane.
- SLOAN: Oh, wow. - This place looks incredible.
Yeah. Two or three nights?
- How about four? - Really?
You can get away that long?
Come on, I'm my own boss.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
It's Vince.
- Yo, buddy. - Yo, E, I just had a great idea.
- Yeah? - Yeah. The four of us go out tonight...
that way we get the first date out of the way.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And if Sloan doesn't like Lindsay for any reason,
- no big deal, we're out. - Yeah?
- Yeah. - Okay, cool.
What?
- Hmm? - Nothing.
DRAMA: Fucking Arnold. I got blue balls so bad,
my dick feels like it's gonna break off.
Yeah, me too.
Dude, my girl has the nicest tits in the world.
Who knows if I'll ever get to feel them again?
- Fucking Arnold. - Fucking Arnold.
DRAMA: Here they come.
Hey, how is the little lady?
She's all stitched up, but they think she'll be fine.
Oh, thank God.
Shall we head back up to the pool then?
Oh, you guys can go.
They want to observe Maddy for a few more hours,
and we just don't wanna leave her.
Aw... and we don't wanna leave you girls.
We feel just awful about this.
Thanks, that's sweet.
Me too. I feel awful.
I'm sorry.
Hey, couldn't we at least try to wait it out by the pool?
Jesus, Turtle, you reek of desperation.
- How much longer can we stay here? - However long it takes.
If you wanna bust a nut today, you might have to earn it.
I always have to earn it.
- LLYOD: Ari, Ari... - Lloyd, calm down.
It sounds like you're having multiples, for Christ's sakes.
Jay Lester's on the line.
Stop flapping your gums and put him through.
Jay... is this a happy call or a sad one?
I'm proud to say it's a happy one, Ari.
Congratulations, I've decided to go with you.
Excellent news, excellent news, Jay.
Yeah, I certainly hope so, Ari.
You know what? I'm gonna have Lloyd send over the papers ASAP.
Actually, I was kind of hoping that Lloyd could deliver them himself.
- ARl: Messenger's faster, Jay. - It's a tradition, Ari.
I always do a little signing ceremony with my new agent's assistants.
Shall we say, 9:00-ish?
Let me get back to you in five, Jay.
Let's not jump to conclusions, Lloyd.
He just might want a pretty Mongolian face to look at over dinner.
- What if it's more, Ari? - What if it's more what, Lloyd?
All great men have had to make great sacrifices
at some point in their lives.
This means a lot to you, huh, Ari?
It means a lot to the agency. You're a part of the agency.
So it should mean a lot to you as well.
Okay. Ari, I'll go.
Thank you, Lloyd.
All right!
But I'm not going for me and I'm not going for the agency,
I'm going for you.
Hey, whatever gets you through the night.
I can't believe you guys ordered in from Locanda Veneta.
Well, if we weren't stuck here all night,
we'd probably take you to one of LA's finest restaurants.
L'Orangerie, perhaps.
Cheers.
Have you thought about what I said?
A little bit.
Yeah, because a behavior modification class
could really do wonders for Arnold.
- Yeah? - Yeah, because...
see, today he did something bad.
Next time, he might do something really bad.
Yeah, you're right. You're right.
- VET: A word, ladies. - Oh.
How much longer do I have to listen to this girl
talk shit about my dog?
- Just a little longer, Turtle. - I don't know if I can take it.
Look at those asses.
You can take it.
Maddy can go home.
- Hey! - Oh, thank God.
Can we help you carry her out?
Oh, it's gonna be okay.
- It's gonna be okay. - GIRL: Thank you.
- Why won't you just tell him? - 'Cause this is easier.
What's easier? Going to dinner
and then saying we don't wanna travel with you?
Yeah. He gave me an out.
Said if I don't like her, they won't go.
- And if you do like her? - Doesn't matter.
- I'm saying I don't. - All this to not upset Vince.
How sad.
- Do you wanna go away alone with me? - Yes.
- Then this girl's awful. - Eric!
She's awful, Sloan, stop.
- Hey, there. Look who's on time. - ERIC: Hey!
- Lindsay, this is Eric. - Hi, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. - And Sloan.
- Hi, how are you? - I'm good.
- You have a beautiful dress. - Thank you.
VINCE: Shall we sit?
I love your dress. Where'd you get it?
- Off to a good start. - We'll see.
Oh, and I think you should call Amanda now.
- Why? - Because she's not in.
Good thinking.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
This is Amanda.
(BEEPS)
- She's a hard worker. - Try again after 10:00.
(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Let me tell you something... (WHISPERS)
Oh, Lloyd.
Come here. I'll see you later.
Hi, Mr. Lester.
Mr. Lester was my alcoholic father, Lloyd. Call me Jay.
Okay, Jay. I brought the client agreements.
We'll get to that in a minute.
Why don't you take a load off first?
Not there, here.
Ari, are you okay?
- Ari! - What, baby, what?
What's the matter? You've been in a fog since dinner.
(SIGHS)
I sold my soul today, baby.
- What do you mean? - Just what I said, but for what?
So we could have two showerheads
and a plasma in every room.
Tomorrow's a new day, Ari. Remember...
you always have a chance to get it back.
We're Jews, baby. No, we don't.
Ari.
(RADIO PLAYING DISCO)
- I gotta make a stop. - Where?
Boys Town, baby, buckle up.
- (HORN HONKS) - Ari, what are you doing?
Fuck!
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Maybe we should think
about neutering him.
I don't know. I mean, cutting a guy's nuts off,
- you really think that's necessary? - Yes.
Turtle, I do. It will make him less aggressive.
I don't wanna see anyone else's dog suffer the way Maddy did.
Mm-hmm. I hear ya.
Look, I know that you think that your dog
is a good dog.
No, honey, I know my dog is a good dog.
Well, maybe you're just not a good owner.
Ha.
Maybe you shouldn't be the one talking.
I mean, after all,
it is your fault that your dog got chomped.
If you wouldn't have thrown a $40 piece of filet right in between them,
maybe you wouldn't have spent the entire day in the vet's office.
You're blaming me?
What the hell did you think was gonna happen?
And what about the insensitivity of taking a piece of meat
that Drama spent a day and a half marinating
and just throwing it on the ground?
Get out.
- Come on, baby. Let's not fight. - Get out!
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, Allyson.
GIRL: Cheryl...
- Do you hear that? - No, I don't hear a thing.
- Get out! - TURTLE: Stop yelling!
Allyson!
Oh, for the love of God, not again!
I mean, could this be going any better or what?
- I don't know. - What do you mean?
I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
They haven't let us say a word all night. They're getting along great.
That's 'cause Sloan's a nice girl. She won't be rude.
I can read her body language.
- What's it say? - She's uncomfortable.
I think she feels threatened by Lindsay.
(LAUGHING)
Vince, how come you didn't tell me that Sloan lived in Italy?
Yeah, we just figured out that we lived two blocks
from each other in Florence.
Wow, that's a crazy coincidence.
Isn't it, E?
A lot of people live in Florence. It's not that crazy.
- Right, Sloan? - I don't know.
I thought it was interesting.
- Are you okay, Sloan? - Yeah, I'm great. Why?
- No reason. - ERIC: Should we get a check?
We haven't even had dessert.
They have the best gelati in the world here.
Better than at the Piazza Del Torta?
On Via Roma?
BOTH: La Cantinetta Antinori!
You girls are like sisters.
It's so beautiful. Cheers.
E, let's just cut to the chase.
Do we four wanna have a wonderful weekend in Napa or what?
- Well, I do. - So do I.
Come on, E. It'll be fun.
- Okay, then. - ALL: To Napa!
This is gonna be so much fun.
- I'm so glad I passed your test. - My test?
Vince told me that you're a little particular
about what girls you travel with.
And I'm the same way, so I wasn't offended at all, really.
I never said that, Vince. Why would you think that?
- 'Cause that's what E told me. - Eric?
I can't believe you told Lindsay that, Vince.
I had to give her a heads up. I can't believe she told you.
I'm sorry. I can't help myself sometimes.
I get so excited I start rambling.
I can't believe you're blaming this on me, Eric.
- Why, is it not true? - No, it's not true. Tell him, E.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Jesus, Ari!
Be back in a flash, baby!
Coming through. All right, civilian, no touching.
That's all right. Ow!
Lloyd!
- Ari. - David.
- I can't believe it. I'm shocked. - That makes two of us.
- What would the wife think? - Probably the same as yours.
- Mine's in the car. - Ooh, interesting.
Just here to take care of a client, David.
And I'm doing research for a movie I'm producing.
Let's just say your secret's safe if mine is.
Great.
How about me, you, and that wife of yours get together for a drink sometime?
Maybe just the two of us alone, see what's what.
Let me get back to you on that.
David, my assistant's about to be gang-raped by a gang of one.
Here you go.
Hope you guys don't mind a third wheel.
Hi, Ari.
You drunk, Lloyd?
Very very buzzed.
Ari, what are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd come by
and see how my two favorite people are doing.
Your two favorite people are just getting ready to leave, okay?
Come on, Lloyd. Time to hit the road.
Why don't we stay and dance?
- We'll dance later, Lloyd. - Dance here? That is a great idea.
Why don't we go down there and cut up a goddamn rug?
No, Ari. This is my date. We're gonna do what I want.
I'm sorry, Jay. I can't let you go anywhere with Lloyd.
And why's that?
I came down here tonight,
to a part of town that I only drive through fast,
because I wanted to show you that I am 100% dedicated to being your agent.
In fact, I will reserve a center table,
sit here with you, hold your hand while you write
or chase cock, whatever it is you do.
But I can't let you leave with Lloyd. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm very sorry to hear you say that, Ari.
Because I've wined him. I've dined him.
And if he's not coming home with me tonight,
these papers aren't getting signed.
That is actually fine with me.
Because you know what?
We may be whores at my agency, but we ain't pimps.
Let's go, Lloyd.
Ari Gold, you're my hero.
Come with me, Lloyd. I'll buy you a car.
I already have a car, so I'm gonna have to pass.
That's fine. That's fine. And you know what?
I'm better off. You know the old saying:
Fuck Chinese and you're horny again a half hour later.
(GASPS)
I am an American of Chinese descent,
and you are what, Jay?
Just another overweight hack TV writer!
Remind me never to get on your bad side, Lloyd.
- Ari Gold, you could never. - Way to go, Ari.
Way to go!
Just relax.
You couldn't let it die, could you, Turtle?
You just couldn't keep your mouth shut.
I can't take a girl over Arnold, Drama.
He's like a brother-in-arms.
Was that brother gonna help you with them blue balls?
VINCE: It's fine. You should have just told me.
I know. You're right.
But you gotta admit, you are a little sensitive about this shit.
- What shit? - E doesn't want me to go on his trip.
And he thought I'd be insulted if he told me not to go.
Why wouldn't he want you to go?
Seriously, E, we always have a good time when we travel together, no?
You mad?
No, of course not.
Have a good time.
But you guys got me thinking.
Maybe we should do a little trip together.
- TURTLE: Hell, yeah! - Where to?
Oh, you...
(CLASSIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, Palmilla, Palmilla.
Cabo San Lucas is beautiful this time of year.
- Isn't it spring break? - TURTLE: Well, I hope not.
E would be real upset if he missed spring break.
E always did appreciate a good old-fashioned wet t-shirt contest.
Nah, he's gonna have a great time.
Excuse me, could I have another shot of Patron?
Dos, por favor.
All right, get it in here.
- Cabo. - Cabo.
- Whoo! - Yeah!
Only seven hours from Napa.
What, are you not gonna talk to me the whole trip?
Oh, I'll talk, but I wouldn't expect much else.
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUING)