(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
So, first party at the new place, huh, Drama?
Don't be ignorant, E. It's not a party, it's a get-together.
And the difference is what, Johnny?
Get-together is less than a dozen people, bro.
Oh, you don't be ignorant, Drama,
'cause this is definitely gonna be a party.
Or simultaneous get-togethers if it makes it easier for you to swallow.
What are you guys talking about?
We're welcoming home Vinnie Chase! People want to come.
I thought we agreed to keep it small... A family affair.
I never signed anything.
If you want to do it at the hotel?
No no no, bro, this is your welcome-home party.
We can't do it at a hotel.
Now that I have a beautiful home,
I'd be honored to welcome you and your party.
- I just need to know how many people. - Turtle?
I'd have to check the Evite R.S.V.P. List
before I could accurately respond to that.
- ARl: Calm down, baby! - Do not tell me to calm down, Ari!
They're giving my son a hard time!
My baby boy. A mother gets protective when that happens.
What did they say? Did they say that he's not getting in?
They wouldn't say anything on the phone,
just that they'd like to see us. They're like the CIA.
Then relax. He's getting in.
- Well, he better, Ari. - He's a legacy!
Legacies are as sure a thing as me having to beg for blowjobs.
Little Jonah will be a proud member of the Briar Country Day School
just like his sister, fear not.
Begging won't be enough if he isn't, Ari.
I got to go, baby. I'll see you at the school.
Welcome Vinnie Chase home tonight.
Here's the address. Welcome Vinnie Chase home tonight.
Welcome Vinnie Chase home tonight. Here's the address.
- Hey. - Sorry, limited space.
What? I didn't invite the dude.
- Lloyd, you miss us? - I did, I did.
- Welcome back, boys. - Lloyd, how are you?
- Great. - What up, Lloyd?
Nothing, not much.
So I spent all evening preparing a little something
for the big bash... creme brulee.
It's not a bash, Lloyd. It's a large get-together.
Whatever it is, Drama,
is it okay if I bring four friends?
What sort of friends?
It's fine, Lloyd. Just no public displays of affection, all right?
- Is that Vinnie Chase? - Hey!
Oh my god! Look at that!
I don't believe... Usually I have to get "Us Weekly"
to get a look at those pretty eyes.
And then I have to look at the wee bottom, lower corner of the frame
to see the top of this little man's head.
- Whoo-hoo! - You look a little pudgy, Ari.
- You put on a little weight? - You wish! Six percent body fat.
Achieve that when you're 40, and I'll give you a hundred grand.
- When'd you get in? - Late last night.
You coming to the welcome-home party?
We understand if you can't make it.
I will be there. First things first.
- Do I look heavy? - No, you look good.
- Yeah, baby! - What?
Oh, this broad I met on MySpace, she's coming...
With her sorority.
- So, Italy was good? - Oh, it was amazing.
Leave it to E to pick the most romantic spot on earth
- right after he gets dumped. - Sloan and I are taking a break.
Whatever. So, you planning another vacation
or you gonna step up?
Vince is planning on going back to work, Ari.
Okay, as an actor,
or as a producer of another jungle quagmire?
The movie that's gonna take us up to the next level,
- you're writing it off as a disaster? - No no no.
I am writing it off as M.I.A.
And proceeding accordingly.
He always was so nervous.
I know... Is that how you keep the pounds off, Ari? By trembling?
What do you expect?
"Medellin" has been delayed month after month after month.
You've got a director who refuses to show a single frame to anybody.
- Huh-uh, we're seeing it today. - Bullshit.
Every frame of it. Why do you think we came back?
- That and we're out of money. - Oh, there's that.
Are you?
You know they charge up to $30 for a bowl of penne?
Vince wants a job, Ari. Tell us what you got.
- I gotta see the movie. - VINCE: Not gonna happen.
Walsh won't even let Rubinstein see it.
He understands that at some point
everyone's gonna need to see it, right?
At some point, everyone will. We're seeing it today
and we're telling you that Vince needs a job.
And I'm telling you that I need to see the movie.
What does one thing have to do with the other?
- Connect the fucking dots, E. - What, no one's gonna hire me
- until they've seen "Medellin"? - I wouldn't say no one.
Ah, you can play Jughead in a new Archies live-action.
- I think I'm more of a Reggie. - Yeah.
Right now, no one is gonna offer you something you want
or give you the kind of money that we want.
You can understand that, right?
- Actually, I can't. - The word on the street
since day one of production on "Medellin"
has not been good.
DPs and actors fired, production delays,
unstable director.
No one wants to put Vince's face on a poster
with the possibility of a looming disaster hanging out there.
- It's the "Gigli" effect. - Wow.
Okay, so what do we need, Ari?
We need for "Medellin" to be good, E.
Just tell me there's not going to be more than 75 people.
There's not gonna be more than 75 people.
- Really? - No, not really.
But that's what you told me to tell you.
Dick.
Why do you need baby wipes?
Just get what's on the list.
- 50 cartons? - Please, don't question me, all right?
All right, fine fine.
It says "12 barbecued chicken wings." You mean 1200?
No, I meant what I wrote... 12. They're for Vince.
He loves the wings at Costco,
but I'm not letting everyone else go wild with barbecued chicken wings.
So what's everyone else gonna eat, then?
Celery. Read the list.
- Celery? - Yeah, and carrots.
Look, the party's called for 9:00 p.m.
That's not a dinner party. So only Vince is gonna eat real food.
Everyone else is gonna have nice, clean, stain-free
- celery and carrots. - Great.
Think you guys have enough baby wipes?
No no, it's not what it looks like... They're for a party.
You wanna come?
VINCE: You like that one, huh?
- I could do a play. - You could.
A play's not gonna buy us a new house, though.
Yeah, it'd have to be a very successful play, I think.
Uh-oh, cavalry's arrived. People, man your posts.
Prepare to do battle.
He looks good. How are you, Billy?
Living and thriving, Suit. Living and thriving.
- What's up, Billy? - Vinnie, how you doing?
Just this. Nothing else up.
Come on back. I'll show you the facilities. Come on.
Wow, cutting the old-fashioned way, huh?
Why fuck a woman with a vibrator when you've got a dick,
- right, Suit? - I don't know what that means,
but we're excited to see what you've done, Billy.
Hey, everybody! You've been looking at this guy's beautiful face
for the past three months. Vinnie Chase.
(RESTRAINED APPLAUSE)
And this is his Suit, though he don't dress the part.
Guys, my whole crew is Latin...
Helped make this film as absolutely authentic as it could be.
My editor Raul, and his assisant-slash- little- brother, Tero.
Both Mexican. Both totally legal.
My post guy is Brazilian.
The caterers are from Chile.
Every Thursday we get that endangered sea bass flown in.
- What's she do? - She gives blowjobs.
- (VINCENT GIGGLES) - Seriously.
She's a streetwalker I brought back from Colombia. Good eyes.
So can we get this thing going or what?
You want to eat first? You want something?
- I'm okay. - We got empanadas.
- No, I'm all good. - You want an empanada, Suit?
- We just ate, Billy. - How about a tamale?
- We're all good. - What about one of those blowjobs?
- One of those? - No.
What, does Turtle check your balls for lipstick?
- Quit stalling, Billy. - I'm not fucking stalling.
Billy, we really want to see it, come on.
And I want you to see it, Vin. I do.
Uh, it's just not ready.
It's... It's not ready. I need a little bit more time.
- What are you talking about? - How much more time?
- Three weeks, a month tops. - You can't have it.
- Who says? - I say.
- Who the fuck are you? - The guy with the fucking checkbook.
Billy, we just flew in from Italy. You said you'd be ready.
I thought I was ready, man. I thought I was,
but I watched it this morning and I'm not.
Billy, listen, I understand you're nervous.
But we've both seen first cuts... We know what we're looking at.
I can't, Vin. It's just not ready.
You only get one chance for a first impression.
All right, look, here's the deal, Billy, okay?
We see this film today or not another dollar comes into this facility.
Not for cigarettes, not for coffee,
not for sea bass and not for fucking blowjobs,
do you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah, I do.
Raul, prepare the projector.
I'm just gonna piss really quickly, okay?
- Was I too harsh? - No, perfect.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Sorry, Vinnie! Go fuck yourself, Suit!
Maybe you were a little harsh.
(KIDS PLAYING)
- So? - So.
MRS. ARl: So.
- This is awkward. - What's awkward?
We... We don't even know why we're here.
- But we are concerned. - Mm-hm.
We're very concerned. I mean, we know Jonah
just had his evaluation. But we thought it was a formality.
I mean, he's a legacy.
And well, his sister Sarah has been a model student here
- for almost eight years. - ARl: Mm-hm.
I mean, isn't a sibling guaranteed admission?
We can never make any guarantees.
That's... That's not what you said
when I was writing all those donation checks.
So, was there a problem with Jonah's evaluation?
Well, he did hit a kid with a ruler.
- Yes, he told us that. - He told us all...
The kid was trying to steal his Power Ranger. He told us all about it.
And I teach my son never to let people just take things from him.
It's my Israeli blood, okay?
I mean, you can't tell us that he might not be able
to go to school here because of that?
I'm not telling you that.
- This is just a courtesy. - A courtesy?
We want you to have time to apply to another school, just in case.
Just in case what?
Just in case he doesn't get in.
MRS. ARl: What a smug bitch.
I mean, just sitting there with that stupid look
on her stupid fucking face.
Baby, the cursing. We're at the school.
I'm sorry, I'm upset.
I know, it's kind of hot. I like it.
- Ari, why aren't you upset? - She's just a secretary,
a low-level messenger. I don't have time to deal with that.
- So what are we gonna do? - We're gonna go to our old buddy,
Dr. Reich. A higher level.
- What can he do? - He is on the board of trustees, baby.
All right, we didn't spend all those nights
at his queer piano parties for nothing. He'll take care of it.
I think I should go with you.
- Baby, this is man's work. - Man's work?
I am going to have to apply a little bit of pressure.
Trust me, you do not want to see this, all right?
Don't worry, I'm gonna handle it.
- Trust me. - (RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Damn, Drama, this place is looking good.
Yeah, and it's gonna keep looking that way, so take your shoes off.
You want me to take my shoes off?
Everybody's gonna be going shoeless tonight, Turtle.
So don't think your smelly feet are getting any special attention.
There's gonna be a sign right there that says "No shoes"
and a basket right there to house them.
Well, you might want to get a sign and a basket for bras,
'cause these sorority girls, they sound kinda freaky.
- Well, they just better be neat. - (TURTLE LAUGHS)
- Grab that end. - Where's it going?
In the bedroom. It's only two weeks old,
- I don't want anyone sitting on it. - Are you for real?
What kind of party is this gonna be if people don't have a place to sit?
First of all, I got sturdy folding chairs in my storage closet.
Second, I put way more into this place than I could possibly afford.
And I don't want my shit getting destroyed, capiche?
- Let's go. - (TURTLE GROANS)
Oh, quit whinging, you pussy.
You're boxing my cutlery after this.
You really think that was the only print?
My Spanish isn't great, but I believe that's what the editor was saying.
So what are our options if we don't find him?
- We get a new editor, start over. - That could take months.
That's why we got to find him. This is it right here.
(LOW VOLUME TV PLAYING)
- Hello, Kat. - Hey, Vince.
- E. - How are you?
Billy's ma is staying with us, so as good as I can be.
WOMAN: Close the door, there's a chill coming through.
It's 80 out.
She's always complaining.
What did you just say about me, you little slut?
Hey, this is my house. Don't fucking talk to me that way, bitch!
- Fuck you! - Fuck you!
My God.
Man, I'm sorry. The woman is crazy, you know?
So, what's going on with you guys? Everything okay?
Yeah, we're looking for Billy.
Wasn't he gonna meet you guys for the screening?
Well, yeah, he was. But he left
- and he took the movie with him. - Oh.
Well, I don't know where he is.
Though he was a little down when he left here this morning.
He was? We spoke to him last night, he sounded great.
Yeah, he screened the movie last night for me and his mother
and I think it soured him.
- You saw the movie? - Oh yeah, a bunch of times.
Was it good?
Oh, I can't say.
- You can't say if it was good? - E, I can't say anything.
Billy would kill me if I said anything,
and you know, I'd never betray Billy that way.
So why was he so down this morning?
Because of what she said, fucking cooze.
- She didn't like it. - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh, that's him.
Hey baby, where are you?
Yeah, Vince and E are, like, freaking out.
No, I didn't call them, baby. Baby...
Where are you? Calm down.
Baby?
He hung up. He's drunk.
He said he's at the only place where people really love him.
Any idea where that might be?
Yeah, the body shop, probably.
- Thanks, Kat. - See you, Kat.
We'll see you later.
- Hey, Frida. - Yeah, he's in with someone.
Oh, it's fine. I'll tell him it's fine.
- Jeffrey! - Ari.
Hey, your office said you didn't want to see me.
I just saw you for a cleaning last week.
- No, it's not for my teeth, Jeff. - Oh no, what then?
They've giving Jonah a hard time over at school.
- Hard time, huh? - Yeah.
He hit a kid with a ruler at his evaluation.
Now they're telling me he may not get in.
I see.
Uh, you know, you're on the board and I need help.
I really... Really can't, Ari.
What do you... What do you mean, you can't?
I can't even talk about this, Ari.
Talk about what? You already know something about this?
- Ari, I'm with a patient. - Jeff Jeff Jeff Jeff...
I'm the guy that got Lindsay Lohan to screen "Mean Girls" at the school
when you begged.
I'm the guy that got Lil' Bow Wow at your daughter's bat mitzvah.
- Ari. - I'm the guy that knows
you got a little skank you keep on the Wilshire corridor.
This stays here.
What are you not telling me?
Look, I got two more kids that I got to get into school.
Being on the board alone does not guarantee that.
You need to talk to the headmaster about this.
About what?
Goodbye.
The ruler incident is not your son's only problem.
- What are you talking about? - Talk to Andrew Preston.
Please, I cannot say anything more... I am sorry...
- But... - I am sorry.
(YAWNS)
Hope you had a nice nap, Turtle.
What's the problem?
You look like you got it all under control.
I gotta get rest if we're gonna go all night.
- All night? - Ha.
- Let's hope so. - Whatever.
Just get over here and give me a hand with this.
You're taking down the light fixture?
It's a chandelier, and yes, I don't want anyone swinging from it.
- You got it at lkea. - Whatever, just grab it.
Hold on, I got to take a piss.
6-2-4-9-8-7.
- Huh? - 6-2-4-9-8-7.
It's the combo.
Are you fucking serious?
Deadly serious, Turtle.
You are ruining this party, Drama.
By stopping 200 people from shitting on my toilet?
- I don't think I'm ruining anything. - Who shits at a party?
Well, even just piss.
What do drunk people do? They piss and they miss.
That's imported Italian limestone in there.
It's porous and it's not getting pissed on.
So where is everyone supposed to go, huh? Off the balcony?
Don't be retarded. I got porta potties coming.
You do not.
I do too. In fact, they should be here any minute.
- So why don't you hold it? - Fuck that!
I'm not holding shit.
Do you remember the combo?
I will piss all over your plasma, Drama.
I swear to God.
6-2-4-9-8-7.
And wash your hands thoroughly.
We got to wrap up my Frette linens.
Let's just do this thing at Vince's hotel.
Turtle, it's my baby bro's party
and I'm hosting it.
Do you really think I would not let it be off the hook?
Now stop it. It's gonna be perfect.
30 more minutes, this place will be indestructible.
(MOTOR SPINS)
Why are you worried about what his mother says?
'Cause she's the only one who's seen it.
She hated "Queens Boulevard."
- That's true. - So relax.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Marvin. - Deep breath.
Hello?
It's your underappreciated money manager, Eric.
Ha, we appreciate you, Marvin.
Then how come you don't listen to a fucking word I say?
Will you stop yelling at me, Marvin?
$1200 a night on a hotel suite...
Are you out of your fucking mind?
Relax, Marvin. It's only temporary.
Temporary? Yeah, I'll say it's temporary.
Till they throw you out on your ass!
You guys have no money!
Why do you think I told you to get back from Italy?
- I know. - Hey, listen.
This is not conservative Marvin talking.
This is you-are-really- and-truly-broke Marvin talking.
- Living on Vince's black card is insane. - I know.
So does Ari have a job?
We got to wait till we see the movie.
- Did you see it? - We're seeing it today.
- There he is. - When?
- Right now. - Call me when it's over... Hello?
VINCE: Billy.
Hey, Vince. I didn't know you were back in town.
- Hey. - No call?
- Sorry, Mia. - ERIC: Billy!
(LAUGHS)
Well, do you think it's his reading?
I know it is. We don't do enough of it.
- Well I try. - A little less "Grey's Anatomy,"
a little more "Goodnight Moon," perhaps.
- You're blaming me? - No, I'm blaming me
who comes home with 40 scripts a night after working a full day.
Hey, you know what? I'll read one of those to him.
Tonight I got "Saw IV." He'll love it.
- Ari! - Baby, don't worry.
I will save the day as usual.
Excuse me, sir. Cell phones are not permitted on school grounds.
Let me call you back. Andrew Preston?
- Ari Gold. - Just the man I was looking for.
Sorry about the phone... Business call.
It is a Wednesday after all.
Well, what can I do for you, Mr. Gold?
Well, uh, I'm sorry to bother you.
It's just that I had a meeting with your executive assistant today.
- Uh-huh? - And...
Look, I understand that the evaluation for my son
didn't go as well as expected,
but I need to assure you that my wife and I
are committed to doing whatever it takes
- to bring our son up to speed. - Mm-hm.
I mean, perhaps he is a little behind on his reading
but I mean, hey, he's not even six yet.
Okay? You can't really judge him on his reading.
I mean, at six I was dyslexic.
All right, you would have thrown me out in the cold.
Look at me now. I'm like the poster boy for this place.
- It's not his reading. - What is it then?
His rhyming, his fine motor skills?
- It's none of that. - What is it?
I can't discuss it until the process is complete.
- You understand. - Actually I don't.
Uh, Mr. Gold...
Mr. Preston, I have spent over $200,000
in tuition over the past eight years,
another 50 or so in donations.
My wife has served on 50 different committees.
All right, that's two less days a week she gets to Barry's Boot Camp.
She sacrifices her body... obviously a sacrifice that I make as well,
all for the good of this school.
Now, why don't you tell me what type of new donation I have to make
to ensure that I never have to think about
any type of limitations you think my son has.
Look, Mr. Gold, the thing is...
- $20,000. - Mr. Gold.
- $30,000! - Mr. Gold...
It is not your son.
It is his father:
A cell phone on your ear every time I see you walk through these halls;
a foul mouth on the soccer field
every time I see you root for your daughter.
This school has simply decided
that your daughter has only four years left.
But if we admit your son, that means more than a decade left with you.
Good day.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (TEACHER TALKING) - Daddy.
- Get your stuff, sweetheart. - Everything okay, Mr. Gold?
What's going on, Daddy?
Nothing, sweetheart, you just no longer go to school here.
What?
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, don't be afraid to use a coaster, pal.
Hey asshole! There's nothing in the sub-zero.
There's no need to even open it.
Fucking animals.
So is it like the movies? You know, where the girls
make you do all sorts of crazy things to get into a sorority?
Oh yeah. They didn't let us sleep for 24 hours on initiation night.
No, I meant like crazy sexual things.
We can sell my car.
No, it's important to keep up appearances.
Great. 'Cause I love that car.
(LAUGHS) We are all good.
We know the movie's great. We were there.
- Yeah, we were. - Hey, how was your day? Mine sucked
and no one called me all day. Did you see the movie?
- I'm gonna call Walsh again. - What?
- Is there a problem? - DRAMA: Hey, shoes off, Ari!
Hey, fuck you, Drama!
Hey Billy. It's E.
Look, I'm calling for Vince.
I know you hate me, Billy.
Vince put his entire career on the line for this movie and for you...
and all of his money. He's got none.
And he can't get a job until people see this.
So I'm not asking anything for me, Billy,
but for Vince.
What does Vince have to do to see this movie?
(BEEPS)
He has to be gentle, Suit.
- Just calm down. - Don't tell me to calm down, Turtle.
Someone's in my bathroom and I want to know how they got in there.
- Don't look at me. - Don't look at you?
That's a nickel-plated Master Lock
with hardened steel shackles.
It's impossible to get in there without a combo!
Maybe David Copperfield is in there.
Oh, that's funny.
She promised to show me her tits.
Fucking sellout.
What's the problem, Johnny?
No problem, bro. Having the time of my life.
- You having a good time? - Great time, great time.
Listen, we're gonna take off, all right?
You leaving?
Yeah, Walsh promised to show us the movie right now.
I don't want him to change his mind... You understand, right?
Yeah, I understand, bro.
Have a good time. Good luck, good luck.
- See you guys later. - All right, E. See you later, buddy.
Bye-bye now. I'll see you guys.
Bye, you guys. Bye, bye.
Everyone!
I have an announcement to make!
Get the fuck out.
(MUSIC DIES)
- (ALL CHUCKLING) - No, I'm serious.
The party's over. Get the fuck out!
And head over to my house!
After-party at Vinnie Chase's hotel room!
(ALL SCREAM)
- Billy. - No words necessary.
Roll it, Raul. Enjoy.
I'll be throwing up in the alley.
Hey.
(ORCHESTRATION BEGINS)
(ROCK MUSIC BLASTING)
I mean, a person is only as good as their word.
I mean, without that we'd just be animals.
Fine.
You happy?
Sadly, I'm very happy.
Anybody seen Drama?
Excuse me, excuse me. Get out of the way.
DRAMA: Major motion picture. It's a little something...
Johnny Drama, Johnny Drama.
Someone did something really horrible in the bathroom.
Yeah? What do you want me to do about it, bro?
Hey, Lloyd, nice sweater, baby.
- What's up, Drama? - How are you, pal?
Good, man. Honey, hold this.
(LAUGHING) Hysterical.
(EXPLODING)
(MOVIE MUSIC ENDS)
Please say something.
Ah... I'm blown away, Billy.
- Bah! - (LAUGHING)
Oh you! Ah!
Suit?
- Great job, Billy. - God, you little...!
- Aw, you little... - (ERIC LAUGHING)
- Ah! - Hey hey.
- Yeah! - Yeah!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
So we're on the same page, right?
- You were just being nice to Billy. - What do you mean?
I mean, you didn't really like the movie, did you?
I thought it was amazing. You didn't?
I thought it sucked.
- Really? - Really.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hey, what's up, Turtle?
Great, no, that's fucking awesome.
What happened?
They had an after-party at the hotel.
Anthony Michael Hall pissed off the balcony and we got thrown out.
- Nice. - So what do you want to do?
We'll crash at Johnny's tonight.
So you really didn't like it?
I really didn't.
Huh.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)