(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- (PHONE RINGING) - Oh, it's Ari again.
All right, how about I take this?
- Wanna take that? Okay. - Yeah. Thank you.
Can't you wait for a callback?
As the French might say, no, I fucking cannot.
You know why, Eric?
It's because I have a box of rare truffles
sitting on my desk... a gift from Harvey.
- Do you know why? - I can guess.
It's because you sold him on a movie
you're in no position to sell.
Now he thinks we're all traveling to Cannes together.
Don't worry about it, Ari. It's not your problem.
Not my problem?
Did you know that Harvey was a marine, Eric?
A middle-class Jew who grew up with everything,
yet he chose to join the marines.
- Do you know why? - No. Why?
It's because, and I quote,
he "wanted to know what it felt like to kill someone."
- (HARRUMPHS) - He will now kill me
when I tell him what you did.
I set a dinner. I'm telling him tonight, so relax.
- You're gonna tell him in person? - That's right.
What I wouldn't pay to see that.
Well, save your money for Botox, Ari.
All that negativity's starting to take its toll.
Call waiting. Later, loser.
Lloyd, I see dead people. Why?
I don't know, but M. Night just called to say he doesn't see you.
Well, I'm at the cemetery just like he said.
Remind me again why I put up with this shit.
Because his movies have grossed almost $2 billion
and because you're scared of him.
Thank you, Lloyd, but I fear nothing.
Argh! (CHUCKLES)
A little jumpy, Ari?
We're in a cemetery, Night. Even for you this is bizarre.
Don't be an ass. I'm shooting an Amex commercial.
Oh, great. And you want me to star in it.
That's why you've summoned me to the valley.
No, I finished a new draft of the screenplay
- and I don't trust messengers. - Wow. You're, like,
six weeks ahead of schedule. Are you gonna put yourself in it?
- I'm gonna improv a little something. - Indians and improv...
No greater match.
You're gonna read it tonight.
- Of course I will. - Don't tell me you will if you won't.
My night, M. Night, will be dedicated to nothing
but enjoying your latest creation.
I'm gonna drive by your office in the morning,
I'm gonna pick it up and I'm gonna quiz ya.
- As always. - Bye, Ari.
See you, Night.
Ari, you've got the missus' best friend's dinner tonight.
Oh, fuck. Look at this thing.
It's, like, 200 pages. Find me a flashlight.
I'm gonna have to read this at the table.
Why do we have to bring this guy out with us, Johnny?
'Cause he's the mayor of Beverly Hills.
And why do you care if you don't live in Beverly Hills?
I care because the mayor could use his political clout
to annex my condo in.
How would you like to see this place rocking a 90210 zip code?
You're 40 feet from the border now. What's gonna change?
It's like asking what changes between North and South Korean borders.
- Yeah, that's a good analogy. - Turtle, come here.
Look out that window.
You see that brand new fire station out there? That's Beverly Hills.
Do you know, if they were to look in here and see me burning,
they couldn't do anything about it? I would have to wait hours
for L.A. County to come and save me.
I don't want to wait, Vin. I want to be saved.
You are beyond saving, Drama.
Vince can save me.
- How? - The guy just wants
to roll with the big-time celebrity for the evening, have a good time.
But you're a big-time celeb, Johnny. Why do I have to go?
Well, apparently, he doesn't watch TV.
- (CHUCKLES) - Look...
The annexation vote is on Wednesday.
He knows what I want and alluded to the fact
that one hand washes the other.
I need my hands washed, baby bro,
and you are the soap.
It's Thursday night, Vince. Fuck his hands.
Shut up, Turtle.
- Is he a good guy, Johnny? - He's a great guy.
We puff stogies at the Havana Room all the time.
- Okay, we'll bring him out. - Yes!
Bring who out where?
We're rolling with the mayor of Beverly Hills, E.
- Too bad you gotta Miss it. - Oh yeah, too bad.
- Harvey should be fun, though. - Shut up, Turtle.
I don't know why you can't just tell Harvey on the phone, E.
(YELLING) Maybe he wants to feel Harvey's spit
when he launches it at him again!
No, I just want to be a man and own up face to face.
You know what? E went out on his own
against the family on this. He may have to take a little spit.
Thanks, Vince.
A little scared of Harvey, huh?
I'm not afraid of Harvey.
Because I will go with you if you ask nicely.
- The mayor, Vince. - I don't want you to go.
I got myself into this, I can get myself out of it.
That's the spirit, kid.
And I'm not afraid of Harvey, all right?
I'm trying to be professional and courteous by doing this,
but I'm not gonna sit there while he yells in my face again.
- You're gonna fight Harvey? - No, don't fight Harvey, E.
- Harvey's big, E. - Yeah, E,
I think Harvey can definitely take you.
(CHUCKLES) You used to think you could take me, Turtle.
- You wanna go? - Ha, I would fuckin'...
(ALL YELLING, LAUGHING)
I'm simply asking you
not to dilly-dally, that's all.
And I am not gonna rush through dinner.
This is my best friend's engagement.
Come on, she's been married twice before.
I'm sure we'll get another run at this.
I already stood in the driveway waiting for you, Ari.
Just chew fast and don't order an appetizer or a dessert.
Give me a break.
- Hi. - Oh, Joyce, you look beautiful.
- Thank you. You too, muffin. - I'm so excited.
Perfect timing. Ron's at the bar and we thought we'd get
a before-dinner drink. What do you say?
No.
- No? - No, we're starving.
So grab your man and let's get this thing rolling.
He's kidding. We would love to have a drink...
Or two.
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
Slow down, Turtle. It's the French country on the right.
VINCE: Wow, nice house.
He is the mayor of Beverly Hills, bro.
- (WHISTLES) - Pull over there, Turtle.
- (HONKS) - What are you doing?
Letting the mayor know we're here.
You don't honk, you Neanderthal.
You ring the bell like an upstanding Beverly Hills citizen would do.
Too late.
Hey.
Don't forget your corsage. (CHUCKLES)
Mayor Laurie.
John Chase, is that Vinnie Chase I see in that car?
- Hi. How are you? - I'm Turtle.
Oh, Vinnie, I am a big fan... Big big fan.
My kids... They're just obsessed with Aquaman.
My daughter cried when they replaced you in the sequel,
said she will not see it no matter how good it is.
- Tell her "thank you." - I will. I will.
- Ready to go now? - Yeah yeah.
Uh... Gotta grab a jacket first.
Walk with me, John.
Yeah, this guy's gonna fit right in with us.
Oh, I really appreciate this.
My wife's been gone for over a year now
and I've been really lonely.
Hey, what are friends for?
Yeah, but I think I'm gonna take my own car.
Are you sure you don't want to have Turtle chauffeur?
Then we can get hammered and have a really good night.
You know what would make it a really great night, John?
It's if that movie star brother of yours
could help provide me some comfort
of a foxy young thing I don't have to pay for.
He can do that.
You...
(PEOPLE CONVERSING, LAUGHING)
(EXHALES)
Hi. How are you? I'm here to meet Harvey...
- Mr. Murphy? - Yes.
- Right this way. - Thank you.
(EXHALES)
- How are you, Eric? - Hey, how are you, Harvey?
Good good. Great great.
I'm great. Sit sit.
- Try that wine. - Okay.
It's good.
Good? That's a '53 Margaux.
It's 3,300 bucks a bottle.
I only drink it on celebratory occasions.
This being one, I ordered two bottles.
Let's celebrate.
- Listen, Harvey... - Oh, would you look at this?
See that little cunt?
That prick stole my V.P. Of production.
He's lucky I don't go over there
and crack this fucking bottle over his head.
I'm not gonna do that, though.
My doctor says I can't do that anymore
'cause my blood pressure's off the charts.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
So, you and me, E... stress-free dinner.
- To "Medellin." - "Medellin."
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
What? Listen, what's so bad?
Uh, you got the check before we got our entrees.
- At least I paid, right? - You are such an asshole.
That may be, but I'm an asshole
that's gonna be home at 9:30, ready to read.
You know what? Let's get an early start on this.
Grab my briefcase, you read to me.
Screw you.
Come on, baby, be a team player.
If Night pulls another half-billion-dollar grosser
out of his hat, I'll get you some diamonds.
- The briefcase isn't here. - What do you mean?
Just what I said. Are you sure you didn't leave it in the office?
(TIRES SCREECH)
What, you don't believe me?
(HORNS HONKING)
Jesus Christ, the valet probably stole it.
- Don't be racist. - Valets steal shit, all right?
Just because they're mostly Hispanic doesn't make me a racist.
You know what happens if this gets out?
If someone puts Night's new ending on the Internet, my life is over!
Nobody's gonna know you did it.
Yes, they will, because Night, that little sick fuck,
printed my name on every fucking page!
So maybe the valets put it in the trunk.
It's gone. Not fucking here.
They fucking stole it. The motherfuckers stole it.
Wh... Did they replace it with this?
- What the fuck is that? - You tell me, freak.
I have no idea!
Well, there's a whole bag.
The seats aren't as dark as they're supposed to be.
What?
- They gave us the wrong car. - Shut up.
Get in there. What, are you fucking blind?
You're the one who drove it home, schmuck.
Why would I buy a black cock?
(TIRES SCREECH)
Where the fuck are our salads?
Hey, pal, pal.
How long we gotta wait for a lousy iceberg wedge?
You slice the fucking thing, you put it on a plate
and you bring it over here.
Anyway, E, what was I talking about?
You were saying that you were, uh...
You were pissed off at us after we fucked you over at Sundance.
Oh, yeah yeah. Oh, I was raging.
Sure, you little pricks let me call a press-conference
to announce I'm in business with you and then you bail on me?
I know. That was... That was a big mistake, Harvey.
It's a mistake?
That was some mistake. Don't you ever
make a mistake like that with me again,
because next time I'm not gonna be so kind.
I'll kill people.
You mind if I use the bathroom, Harvey?
Sure, go ahead. Oh oh, hey, E, E,
on your way over there walk by that cunt's table
and give him a little elbow in the head.
If you feel like it.
How am I gonna get this guy laid, Johnny, seriously?
Tell girls
that if they fuck him, you'll fuck 'em after.
(CHUCKLES) That sounds like like a good deal for Vince.
- He'd be lying. - (CROWD CLAMORING)
- Oh, Jesus. - VINCE: How did he beat us here?
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, what's up, Vince? - (PHONE RINGS)
Hey, E.
- How is it going over there? - It's not.
This guy's nuts. He's teetering on the edge.
Did he yell at you?
No, he didn't yell at me 'cause I didn't tell him yet.
I thought you said you weren't afraid of Harvey.
I'm not scared of him, but it wouldn't be good for anybody if I end up
rolling around in the parking lot
with one of the most powerful men in Hollywood.
So what do you want me to do?
I want you to come down here.
- I'm with the mayor, E. - Fuck the mayor, Vince.
Harvey's not gonna make the same kind of scene if you're here.
Swallow your pride and admit you're afraid of him and I'm there.
Look, I'm not scared of Harvey.
How long you think you can keep me
waiting at the table without me getting antsy?
Sorry about that, Harvey. I'm actually talking to Vince.
(YELLS)
Hey, Vince. How the fuck are you?
- Hey, Harvey. - Where are you, pal?
I just walked into a place called Winston's.
I love Winston's! We'll come over there for a celebratory toast.
- Okay. - Walk the other way, David,
or I'll pull out your fucking eyeballs. Yeah, we'll see you soon.
- See you. - Come on, eat.
Vince, Nel really likes this one over here.
Can you go talk to her?
It's a black L.S. Hybrid,
so don't be afraid to step on the gas and get it up here.
This is a black L.S.
That's the wrong black L.S., obviously.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Okay, is there a manager?
- (SPANISH ACCENT) I am the manager. - An English-speaking manager.
- I speak English. - First-language English-speaking...
It's okay. You switched cars on us.
- Oh shit, that's not your car? - No.
Because the guy who just left in the same car
accused us of stealing his glasses.
Here they are. Wrongfully accused again.
So he's gone?
Yes, but I'm sure he's gonna come back as soon as he realizes.
I don't have time to wait for that.
I have something I need to get out of the car tonight.
There's nothing you can do about that.
There's always something that can be done, baby.
Sometimes you just have to think really really hard.
So everybody think.
Anyone got something? You got something?
No, Ari.
You could always go to his house and hope that he's home.
- What, you know where he lives? - No,
but has it ever occurred to you rich people
that when you are enjoying a nice dinner,
we have your keys and your fancy navigation system
to lead us straight to your empty house?
I like your style, pal.
- FEMALE VOICE: Setting home... - Oxnard... How far is that?
About 50 miles.
Uh, you're taking me home first.
Thank you, sir.
...5532.
Cool. So I'll call you at, like, 2:00?
Make it 2:30. The boys and I usually grab a bite late-night.
Okay.
I thought we were supposed to be pulling for the mayor,
not ourselves.
- I'm just not a good wrangler. - Yeah, well, I am,
and I've been wasting my skills on Drama's cause.
You're telling me you'd be pulling if it was for your cause?
Of course I would be. What kind of question is that?
Fellas, guess who's into politics.
- This is Aneeka. - Anika.
Anika. Anika, the boys.
- Hello, boys. - Anika's from Prague.
I told her a little about our man and she was very impressed.
Gotta love the Eastern Block.
Back in a flash.
Nel, say hello to Anika.
Anika, the one and only mayor of Beverly Hills, Nel Laurie.
Johnny has told me of your dedication to the city
and of your kindness. It is so nice to meet you.
You too, you too. Would you like to sit?
Yes, I would love to.
My God, you have gorgeous feet.
How about that?
How about this?
He looks like a P.O.W.
(EXHALES)
- (DOG BARKING) - WOMAN: Who is it?
Hi, my name is Ari Gold. I think you have my car.
What? What are you talking about?
Uh, would you open the door?
No. And I have a dog.
That's great. I think you also have my car.
Do you drive a black Lexus?
My husband does.
Well, I think the valet gave him the wrong car,
'cause I'm driving his.
Valet? What valet?
The valet at Morton's tonight.
Morton's in L.A?
- Yeah. - What was my husband doing
- at Morton's in L.A. Tonight? - Uh...
What the fuck were you doing
- at Morton's tonight? - What?
- The valet switched our cars. - What?
Answer me, who the fuck were you with?
What?
See, that's my briefcase. Thank you, God.
- Answer me, you piece of shit! - What?
Listen, here are your keys. Can I get mine?
I am fucking waiting for a fucking answer!
Deny till you die, pal.
I tell you what: Just admit that you're scared of him
and I'll apologize for you.
I don't need you to apologize,
I just want you to be here when it goes down.
I'm right here. What are you waiting for?
The right moment.
Am I the Chuck Woolery of Winston's or what?
TURTLE: Yeah, only minus the good looks
the tan and the Botany 500 suit.
I got one of those suits, bro.
- Yo, Vince. - Yo, Ray.
- Man, this is delicate. - What's that?
You know your boy you came in with?
Yeah, what about him?
Well, he's about to suck face with a tranny.
What? Come on.
That's no tranny, Ray. That's Anika.
Anika's got a biggest stump than you do, Drama.
Jesus, if Drama knew that, he would have kept her for himself.
- Ray, are you sure? - Trust me.
The only reason that we let that he-she in here
is because she goes on Howard Stern all the time
and we don't need the bad ink. I'm sorry, bro.
- Come on. - I can't believe it.
Believe it, Drama.
- Thanks, man. I appreciate it. - No doubt, man.
- What do we do? - I ain't saying shit.
Nobody's saying nothing until I'm 90210.
Johnny, he'll find out eventually
and then you'd better pray he's not your mayor. Do the right thing.
- Fine, I'll tell him. - E?
- I'm going. - Couple of shots first to relax?
ALL: Definitely.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
(PHONE RINGS)
Yeah, Lloyd.
Just wanna make sure you're up and reading.
Well, I'm up and I am not fucking reading.
God, you're even angry in the evening.
- Fuck off, Lloyd. - Good night, Ari.
- Lloyd? - Yes, Ari.
Talk to me while I drive so I don't fall asleep.
- Okay, Ari. - (SIREN WAILING)
Oh, fuck.
- What? - I'm getting pulled over.
- How fast are you going? - About 140.
- That's not good. - No.
Cheers.
I'm going in.
And E, why aren't your feet moving?
All right, I'm scared.
Ha ha ha! Pussy.
Come on. I'll talk to him.
I'll stand right next to you.
Yeah, I'll be hanging back, having fun.
Hi.
Or not.
Can I get you something?
- Hey, Johnny. - Hey...
Anika, would you excuse us for a second?
Um, yeah, sure.
Well, you'd better hurry back or I'm gonna come chasin'.
I will.
(SIGHS)
Hey, John, what's happening?
- It's about Anika. - Yeah?
You know, we didn't even need Vinnie's intro, huh?
Thank you.
I tell you, she is one doll.
Yeah, well, according to some,
- That Barbie might be a Ken. - Eh?
- She might have balls, Your Honor. - What?
She's a he, a transformer,
a hermaphrodite, something that just ain't right.
Oh, I don't believe that. Look at her.
She's beautiful.
I got only reasons to lie to you, Nel, but it's true.
I'm sorry.
I am too.
I appreciate your honesty...
And...
I would appreciate your posse's discretion
'cause I don't care what she's got under that dress.
- No? - No.
We have a connection. She gets me.
Hey, babe, you ready to get out of here?
Okay.
I got a blue Mercedes, tinted windows.
- See you out there in 10 minutes. - Okay.
(LAUGHS)
Okay.
Nel, what about my annexation?
Looking good.
- Eh? - (LAUGHS)
Sweet.
- Ah! - Harvey.
Ha ha ha! I love you.
Sit down.
So, so, what's on your mind, Vince?
Well, Harvey, it's about "Medellin."
- What about it? - We...
- Vodka, splash of cranberry. - I ordered tonic.
No, you didn't. You ordered cranberry.
Why would I order cranberry if I don't drink cranberry?
I don't know, but you did.
You believe this fucking guy?
- (LAUGHING) - I'll get you your tonic.
No no no, don't get me tonic.
- Tell me I didn't order cranberry. - But you did.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
- Just get the tonic, guy. - No no no, guy,
- No, guy, don't go anywhere. - I'm going to the bathroom.
Whoa whoa whoa, Vince, what are you doing?
I'm not telling him. He's out of his mind.
You know what? I'll do it.
- Harvey, look... - No no,
you look me in the fucking face and you tell me why,
after 50 years of life
and never having even sipped cranberry juice,
for some reason I come in here
and I order cranberry juice.
Can you answer that, you fucking scumbag?!
No, I can't, but you did.
- Harvey. - I'm gonna fucking kill him!
- Take it easy, sir. - Don't tell me to take it easy.
You know who the fuck I am? I was rolling my bones
when you were sucking your mother's tittie.
- Let's leave my mother out of this. - Fuck you and fuck him!
All right, pal, you're out of here. Come on!
Get your fucking hands off me!
So you let Vince do your dirty work, huh, E?
No, he couldn't do it.
Hey, E had it in him after all.
No, I didn't get a chance to either, but I'll try tomorrow.
Tomorrow? What?
You weak weak man. Hey, Harvey...
We're not selling you the movie.
Sorry, bro. We're gonna put it on the open market at Cannes.
You're gonna have to be like everyone else.
I'll eat you alive!
I'll eat you alive and crap you out of my tuchus
and flush you down the toilet!
You'll never work again, never,
you understand me? Your career is over!
It's over!
He was talking about E, not me, right?
Morning, Ari.
Done. Night in the office?
- Yes, Ari. He just got here. - Perfect timing.
Are you wearing the same suit as yesterday?
Spent the night in jail.
Oh my God, Ari. Why didn't you call me?
'Cause you get one call and I wanted to use it
on someone I like to have sex with. Night, genius.
Best script yet. Ask me anything.
How could you possibly like that third act?
Are you kidding? The twist with the dove? I loved it.
- It was perfect. - No, it's fucked.
What you read is totally fucked.
I tried to call you last night. I didn't have your cell.
- I don't understand. - After you left, it hit me...
The whole third act's a mess, man. It's a mess.
I changed it. It really works now.
Oh.
Here, read it.
I'll wait.
Start from the top so you get the flow.
Morning, fellas.
Get 'em while they're hot.
You just saved E's ass, Johnny.
He's been wrestling with your espresso-maker for an hour.
Wrestle no more, E. I got your favorite... caramel macchiato.
I hate caramel, but very thoughtful nonetheless.
Indeed it was, but ever more thoughtful
were the coffees I brought over to the Beverly Hills firehouse
when I went over to introduce myself.
Are you expecting a fire or are you just hoping
to slide up and down one their pole?
You slay me, E.
No, really I'm just proud to be
a soon-to-be-annexed resident of the quaint city
known throughout the world as Beverly Hills.
Yeah, well, I would be too proud too fast, Drama.
I don't know how much longer your boy's gonna be mayor.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the all-seeing,
all-knowing lenses of TMZ.Com.
Look at this.
MAN: Hey, Mayor, I'm from TMZ.
How about saying a little something?
Howdy, folks.
MAN: Hey, why are you sneaking out in the alley?
Hey hey, I'm not sneaking. There's no sneaking
going on here. Hustle into the car, baby.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh no. No!
- That's nuts. - No!
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)