(OPENING MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHATTERING AND MUSIC PLAYING)
Here you go.
(CLEARS THROAT) That's what I call service with a smile.
More like a smile I'd like to service.
She is pretty cute, E.
Third time she smiled at you... You should get her number.
I don't want to go out with a waitress.
DRAMA: You believe this guy?
He's been out of Queens a few years,
he already thinks he's above the working class.
My mother used to wait tables, you moron.
I respect 'em, I just don't want to be in a relationship with one of 'em.
They keep shitty hours.
Who said anything about a relationship?
Yeah, E. Why do you got to look at every girl
as a potential relationship?
'Cause I don't want to spend my twilight years alone like you, Drama.
E loves falling in love.
E is a nesting creature. What's the big deal?
'Cause it's not natural for a male,
is the big deal.
I'm not a nesting creature.
Really?
Name one girl
you've ever had unemotional sex with.
Ever.
Lori Wolcott.
(IMITATES BUZZER) You sent her flowers
and chocolates and refused to leave your house
'cause she wouldn't be your valentine.
I didn't leave my house 'cause I had chicken pox, you loser.
Wolcott don't count, E.
All right, fine, what about the "Perfect 10" model from Australia?
If I'm not mistaken, you didn't fuck her... She fucked you.
Not to mention that you called her for two months after
and the only reason it ended was
'cause she couldn't get her citizenship.
I don't have to prove anything to you guys.
Don't be mad, E. It's not our fault
you were born without the sport-fucking gene.
Come on, guys, I can't just stand here
and let you harass my boy.
I know he can have unemotional sex.
He just chooses not to.
In fact, I'll bet he can get some before the both of you two.
Please.
I'm a celebrity again, bro.
I could get laid at a funeral.
And that would be unemotional for you or the dead girl?
Funny, E,
but being a student of human nature
and knowing a leopard can't change its spots,
I've come to accept you for what you are.
- What's that? - A pussy!
Such a pussy, in fact,
I bet Turtle could close a broad quicker.
Oh okay, that's it. You're trying to tell me
that Turtle can get laid quicker than I can?
No, I think he can bring himself to do it quicker than you can.
I'm so positive, in fact,
I'm willing to wager five of my hard-earned G's
that Turtle can close a girl today, before you.
Johnny, are you serious?
These eyes look like I'm bluffing, bro?
You're on. Come on, I'm taking E under my wing.
And I'm taking Turtle under mine.
- All right. - I ain't betting on this.
And I'm not searching out a girl just to fuck her.
- Why not? - 'Cause it's mean.
No no no no.
Mean is when I made Jess Mancini ride her bike home
after I ass-fucked her.
Trust me, E, if you're able to find the girl
who's willing to day-fuck you,
she's using you as much as you're using her.
It's 2007. Wake up, pussy.
Oh he's up, and he's in!
- Whatever. - So what are the rules?
It's got to be a complete stranger,
and he can't call her after.
All right, well, it's got to be free. He can't pay or barter.
- Jesus. - Sorry, Turtle.
On the good Chase name, then.
On the good Chase name. Come on, E.
Let's go win us a ribbon.
Catch you guys later.
How am I supposed to get laid before the end of the day?
Relax, Turtle, old Johnny Boy's gonna take you to a place
where even a one-eyed leper can get laid.
- Where's that? - Craigslist.
Hey, good to see you. All right, high five...
MRS. ARl: All right, so I'm gonna pick you up
after soccer practice.
You've got my cell phone in case you run late.
Okay great, thank you. Bye, Daddy.
- Later, traitor! - Ari!
- Daddy! - I'm kidding. I love you, baby.
- I know you do, Daddy. - I could so jump this curb right now.
Well, Ari, you may hate this place,
but our daughter still has to go here.
Yeah.
Mr. Preston!
Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Gold, how are you?
Well, not so good.
Yeah, our son got rejected from every private school in town.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah. They didn't happen to call you about us, did they?
Well, we all stay in touch.
I'm asked questions and I answer them honestly.
'Course you do. All right, well, we're off to see another public school.
Well, that's not so bad.
You know, I'm a product of the public school system.
Me too!
You self-righteous, blackballing little cuntbag bitch motherfucker.
- Well, a nice day to both of you! - Asshole fuckface...
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, Vince. - Hey, Jimmy.
- Same spot as usual? - That'd be great, thanks.
Awesome.
So, what do you think?
I think this is retarded, I really do.
I mean, who hits on girls on weekdays?
E, it's L.A. Every day's a weekend.
Now just relax, look around,
and let the game come to you.
Hey, Vince. Those girls over there would like to buy you guys a drink.
Or to me and then to you, through me.
- Thank you, that'd be great. - All right.
"Horny Heifer Seeks Backdoor Lover."
- TURTLE: Oh, pass! - What do you mean, pass?
This isn't about having fun, Turtle.
- It's about winning the cash. - How much am I getting?
For her? 20%.
Phht. Pass.
How about a "Chick with a Plus-Sized Clit" for 30?
That's a pass.
What then?
Slide over, let me scroll.
Ah, see? This is a little more my speed.
"Prom Queen Hottie Seeks Short, Cute and Cuddly 20-Something
to Fulfill All Her Fantasies."
Sounds perfect.
Yeah, it's too perfect, she must be a pig.
Call her or I'm calling the heifer.
(GROANS)
Put it on speaker.
(RINGING)
- GIRL: Hello? - Is this Kelsey?
Yes, who's this?
I'm calling about your ad.
What about it?
I think I could fulfill your needs.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you look like?
- What do you look like? - Time is of the essence, Turtle.
How many of you are there?
Just me.
'Cause you know, I'm not looking for a gang bang.
It's just me... One short, cuddly 20-something.
Just what you say you wanted.
Okay. Be at Cafee Primo on Sunset in 30.
Wear a red hat. If I like what I see, I'll say hi.
And if you don't?
Then I won't. (HANGS UP)
- Yes! - This is a nightmare.
No no, it's perfect. And if you close her in the parking lot,
the lattes are on me! Come on!
(ALL SCREAMING)
You gotta be kidding me.
It's play time, Ari. This is what kids do when they play.
This is what inmates do when they're gonna overtake the guards.
Ari!
I mean, is there even a teacher here,
or did they lose them to cutbacks?
- I know karate! - I know, I saw you kicking
that little red-headed boy over there when he wasn't looking.
That wasn't very... Aah!
(BELL RINGING)
No way is my son going to that school.
No way!
Well, Ari, we don't have much choice.
So stop being so dramatic.
Dramatic? Why should I be dramatic?
It's every father's dream to have his son participate
- in a kindergarten fatwa. - What are you doing?
I'm taking care of business the way I should have taken care of business
from the start!
Lloyd, yeah, call our special friend
and set the usual meeting place.
Who is your "special friend"?
Don't worry baby, I'm not gonna get a hoo-hoo!
Wow, you girls are from London and that happens to be E's favorite city.
- Really? - Yeah.
It may just beat out Düsseldorf.
I love Düsseldorf. Where do you stay when you're there?
I'm only kidding. I've never been to Düsseldorf.
Oh.
- But you have been to London? - Oh yeah, several times.
We stay at the Marriott. It's pretty cool.
(LAUGHS) So...
What are you girls doing in the States?
- We're here on business. - What kind of business are you in?
- I design linens. - And I'm her top sales rep.
Nice.
They're incredibly soft, the linens.
VINCE: Oh yeah?
Yeah. I could show them to you.
Perhaps if you like them, you could spread the word.
You know, it never hurts to have a celebrity endorser.
Well, I could never endorse a product that I didn't actually use.
You would use these, I'm sure.
Come, I'll show you a sample.
- You okay? - They're fine.
Heather runs my entire company.
She can certainly look after one shy American boy.
- Shy. - Ta-ta.
(CHUCKLES)
- I'm not shy. - No?
How would you describe yourself then?
- Maybe a little shy. - (HEATHER LAUGHS)
That's okay. It's adorable.
Excuse me. Hey.
You wouldn't happen to be Kelsey, would you?
Even if I was, I'd say no.
That's just rude, honey.
- That ain't her. - Who the hell is she?
You could have railed the heifer and the plus-sized clit by now.
You Turtle?
- Uh-huh. - I'm Kelsey.
Who's he?
He's my driver.
Could you make him wait in the car?
The way he's staring at me, it's giving me the willies.
Run along.
So...
What do we do now?
Well, I like what I see.
- Really? - Yeah.
You got good padding.
You'll do just fine.
So, what kind of fantasies are we gonna be fulfilling?
You'll find out later. First go to Fazio Cleaners on Rexford.
Pick that up for me.
You want me to pick up your dry cleaning?
- Is that a problem? - No no.
If we're really gonna be living out some kind of fantasy,
it wouldn't be a problem for me to clean your whole house.
Don't be desperate. It's gross.
Here's my address.
Be there at 9:00 p.m., and don't be late.
I hate tardiness.
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)
You know, Ari, we meet so often
that if another P.I. Was following me, he'd think we were fucking.
Well if another P.I. Was following you,
then I would be fucked.
So what can I do for you today?
I need one of your 24-7 tails.
This one has to be on the extreme, extreme D.L.
So you mean more extreme than when you had me follow Kate Beckinsale
to see if she was gonna fire her agent?
More extreme and more discreet.
If anyone finds out about this, it could be very, very embarrassing.
Mm-hm. All right.
Who's the subject?
Andrew Preston. He is the head administrator
of the Briar Country Day School.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you think it was rude of us leaving them alone like that?
Are you kidding? The way they were hitting it off,
it would have been rude of us to stay.
Good point.
(MOANS)
So, you guys have a suite?
Yeah, it sucks. Juliette and I have to share a tiny little bed together.
Really?
(CHUCKLING) Does that turn you on?
No. I was just...
We are here on business, Eric.
The company paid for my own room and everything.
No, I wasn't saying that. I just...
I was just asking. I'm sorry.
No, I'm just playing. There's no need to apologize.
Sorry.
- Do I make you nervous? - No.
So you're just nervous usually?
- Do I seem nervous to you? - You do.
You know, I have a very stressful job.
I actually need another drink.
I haven't seen the waitress around forever.
- Do you need anything? - Yeah. You want another drink?
- Four shots of tequila, please. - With limes.
- Of course. - Laugh at me. Look, I may use limes,
but I will drink you under the table.
Now we're getting somewhere.
ERIC: Holy shit.
Oh, Jesus.
SLOAN: Oh my God. Let me call you back.
Be right back. Hey.
Hey.
Um, you're back.
Yeah yeah. For a few weeks now.
I didn't know.
Well, I figured I shouldn't call you. You told me not to call, so...
Yeah, right.
I'm sorry, hi.
Hi.
You know what? That's my bad. Sloan, this is Juliette.
- Heather. - Wow, really...
Uh, Juliette is Heather's friend and she's...
She's with Vince somewhere.
- Sloan. - Heather.
- Right. Nice to meet you. - You too.
Uh, well, I should get going.
- Well. - Good to see you, Eric.
- I'll see you soon, right? Okay. - Yeah.
- Let me... - Yeah, okay.
- Okay. - Bye.
See you.
Your ex.
Yeah, was it that obvious?
Uh-huh. She's pretty.
Why'd you guys break up?
'Cause I'm an idiot.
So what kind of fantasy involves me picking up her dry cleaning?
Huh? Maybe she wants me to be her little errand boy.
I don't know, but I'll bet she'll be disappointed
when she finds out you're already Vince's.
Maybe she's into S&M.
Maybe she's even a dominatrix.
You better hope not, Turtle.
Because dominatrix don't fuck.
If you don't get laid, I don't get paid.
Drama, don't you worry.
Unless she wants to shit on me or something,
there is no fetish that'll keep me from getting with that little hottie.
That's the spirit.
- (DRAMA LAUGHS) - What the fuck is this?
Yes, I love it. My bet is safe.
Oh, this means something to you, Drama?
Oh yeah.
It means you got a furry, bro.
What the fuck's a furry?
Someone who wants to fuck you like you're a stuffed animal.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
Jesus, baby, what's wrong? You sound worse
than when Harry Hamlin got voted off "Dancing with the Stars."
Audra Hornig's son just got accepted to Briar.
Is that the kid that already has chest hairs?
Ari, he's your son's best friend. Jonah's gonna be devastated
when he finds out they're not going to school together.
Baby, don't worry. They will be going to school together.
- Your man is handling it. - My man is gonna be handling himself
for the next decade if he doesn't stop
playing it so cool and tell me what he's up to.
This is like "The Godfather," baby.
There are certain times you just can't ask me about my business.
But please, don't worry.
Don't tell me not to worry, Ari.
Our special friend is on the phone.
I gotta go. It's all good, baby.
Ari, you are such a fucker!
(PHONE BEEPS)
Talk to me, Eddie.
- Can you come to my office? - On my way.
- Good news, Ari? - Don't ask questions, Lloyd,
not until you stop dressing like Paula Poundstone.
Who is Paula Poundstone?
(LAUGHING) Yeah well, you know nothing gets a girl hot
like listening to a guy mope about his ex.
Hey, she was a good listener.
So what do we tell the boys?
Tell 'em if not for unforeseen events, I had her. It was a done deal.
Yeah, I don't think that counts as a win.
Whatever, it would have been.
- So you're not gonna call her? - Who, Sloan or Heather?
- Why would you call Sloan? - I don't know, to talk.
It seemed like she wanted to.
I mean, we did leave things a little unfinished.
When you broke up with her, I think it was finished.
- She broke up with me. - Yeah, but you made her.
You're not feeling bad about it now, are you?
I've been feeling bad about it for months.
E, what has this day been all about?
(SIGHS) I don't know, Vince. You tell me.
Your inability to be unemotional.
You just ran into Sloan and you're feeling things.
Maybe real, maybe not.
You really want to win this bet, huh?
No, look, forget about the bet.
What you need is a night to think about what you want.
So sleep on it. Or sleep on Heather.
- Your choice. - She was hot.
There you go. See, why don't I call Juliette
and the four of us will go out and have a good time?
You're gonna call a girl after you've fucked her?
Look, I liked her. And I'm not in on the bet.
TURTLE: I feel like a moron, Drama. This thing doesn't even fit!
What, am I supposed to put my dick through this hole?
- What if it gets stuck? - What the hell, is it Easter?
Hey guys, maybe we weren't clear on the rules,
but role-playing and fucking each other doesn't count.
- (VINCE LAUGHS) - Please, my man here
is getting ready to fuck a real live woman.
Win me five G's.
Unless by some miracle, E already got laid.
Please tell me you got laid, E.
- It's in the works. - Jesus!
DRAMA: Quit your whining, Turtle, and consider yourself lucky.
A girl like that is a goddess in the furry community.
You're gonna fuck in that?
Actually, furr-ophiles refer to it as "boinking."
(VINCE LAUGHS)
Wow, Turtle, this is freaky even for me.
Don't let 'em get in your head, Turtle.
Furries are people, too.
And all people need to get laid.
Except that whack job, who only needs a good book,
a cup of tea and a nice long hug.
You're helping Bugs Bunny string his dick
through a hole and I'm a whack job?
(LAUGHING)
Why don't you just tell us what you have in the works
that's gonna win this bet before my "plushious" little friend here.
E's got a hot British chick
just waiting for him to call.
British? Please. They're too stuffy to fuck that fast.
Yeah, well her friend wasn't.
- You got laid, Vin? - Yeah, I had a nice afternoon.
Hm. So how come E couldn't close, then?
He hit a little road bump, but he's coming back from it.
Actually, Vince, no I'm not.
- You're gonna call Sloan? - Yep.
He can't fuck Sloan. That's against the rules.
No, he ran into her when he was talking to the Brit.
The kid's got some shit luck.
- TURTLE: So this means the bet's off. - Off?
It's a forfeit, and a forfeit results in a loss,
and a loss is gonna cost you five G's, bro.
All right, Johnny. I couldn't possibly let Turtle go through with it anyway.
Love you, Vin.
You do realize you forfeit your cut too, Turtle.
Hmm!
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - ERIC: Hey.
- Hey. - How are you?
- Eric? - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
Uh, look, I just wanted to explain...
About today at the pool.
I mean, I just met that girl. I don't even know her.
Eric, we're not together anymore, so you don't owe me any explanations.
I know, I know. I was just...
I was just thinking.
About what?
About us.
Eric, I told you there would be no more "us"
if you went to Italy for three months
after being away on the movie for six.
I know, I screwed up.
Okay, but could we go to dinner or something? Talk about it?
Eric, I met someone.
Wow.
Really?
- Oh, oops! - Ari!
There he is! The baddest dick since Johnny Wadd.
Hey, Ari.
I want to introduce you to one of our associates.
- This is Frank Giovanello. - What have I got here?
Two dicks for the price of one. I love it.
Hey, listen, as it turns out,
Frank over here was hired by another unhappy couple
to dig up the dirt on your headmaster Preston,
and he's been tailing him for a couple weeks.
Wonderful. Maybe we can split the bill, huh?
- What have you got? - Unfortunately, sir, I've got nothing.
What do you mean, nothing?
Guy's clean.
There's no such thing. Everyone's got something.
Well, apparently not this guy, Ari. The guy's a model human.
Look for yourself.
- That's him coaching soccer. - Uh-huh.
Volunteering in a soup kitchen.
Making dinner for his family.
- Jesus. - Yeah.
He still screws his wife. She's hot, too.
I got to tell you,
in all my years in this business,
we've never failed to find the dirt. I'm sorry.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, family, I'm home!
How are you, sweetheart?
- Good. - I come bearing gifts. Follow.
Ari, what happened? I've been calling... you don't answer your cell.
I was at the bookstore. I got some great ones for Jonah.
"James and the Giant Peach," "One Fish Two Fish,"
and "Everyone Poops." Where's my boy?
Jonah!
Ari, what happened with your special friend?
Nothing, baby. Well, he did offer to doctor some photos of Preston
to make it look like he had a young Filipino boyfriend.
But when he did, it made me feel dirty, and it hit me...
What school our son goes to doesn't matter.
It's what type of environment he comes home to.
That's why I wanna make this the best place ever.
He's really not getting in, is he?
No he's not, baby. But I am going to read to him every night.
And we're gonna have family dinners now.
6:00 p.m., seven nights a week,
- no exceptions. - Ew!
- And no TV. - Double Ew!
I'm gonna be a better man, a better father, and a better husband.
- Jonah! - Dadda!
Hey hey! How's my little man?
- Good. - Good?
You know, Daddy came home early
just to read to his buddy, "How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?"
- Is that cool? - Yeah.
- Cool. - Daddy?
Yeah, buddy.
Am I going to school with Darrin Hornig next year?
- Ah... - 'Cause I really, really want to.
That would be 2100...
Crisp, easily-earned dollars.
2200...
Crisp, easily earned dollars...
- I'm out of here. - Going to see Sloan?
Of course he is. And to show my appreciation
for your predictability, E,
I'm gonna take some of my winnings and buy you a nice gift certificate
to a farm that'll help you grow some balls.
- (LAUGHS) - ERIC: That's funny.
I appreciate that, Drama. But I'm not going to Sloan's.
I'm going to the hotel to fuck that British chick I met at the pool today.
So Vince, I'd put your cash away.
Looks like the bet's still on.
Turtle! Get your suit on.
Come on, come on!
What are you doin'?
Come on, man.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on!
(UNDER BREATH) Fuck.
(BANGS)
- Hi. - Hi.
- Uh, can I help you? - Yeah, is Mr. Preston here?
- I'm here, hon. - Ah.
- Everything okay? - It's fine.
Just tell the kids I'll be right in and lock the door behind you.
You have a lovely home.
Thank you.
What is the meaning of this?
Well, there's something that I needed...
That I'd like to say to you.
Something different than what you muttered at me
under your breath this morning?
You heard that?
- What do you want, Mr. Gold? - Uh, just a moment of your time
so that I can say to you that through this process,
I have learned from you, Mr. Preston.
You are an educator, and you've educated me
about being a man, about being a father,
and I know that you can't be bought.
I tried.
I know that you can't be blackmailed,
because you're too perfect.
Um,
but I guess I want to know,
can... Can you be compassionate?
Because I am coming to you,
hat in hand, to ask you...
To beg you...
To let my son have a proper education.
And don't make him suffer because he has a way-too-aggressive father
that won't shut up on the soccer field, okay?
Please, sir.
Please.
Look at you.
Did you ever think, given your high-powered status,
that you'd ever be reduced to begging and pleading?
No sir, I didn't.
I didn't.
Well... I suppose there's a first time for everything.
I myself never asked anybody for anything until now.
Is there something you need?
I have a son,
a special boy who works in the mailroom at Abrams.
I think he can do better.
Ah, how special?
'Cause I... I love special.
I mean, half my lit department has an I.Q. Under 65.
So, why don't you tell your boy
that come Monday, he's got a desk
in a real agency with a real salary?
All right?
The things that we do for our children, huh?
You tell Jonah
I'm looking forward to his first day
at Briar Country Day.
But I still don't want to see you at any soccer games.
(LAUGHS)
I love this town!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
I feel like I'm dropping my kid off to go trick-or-treating.
Can't do it, Drama.
Of course you can.
No, I can't. It's bad enough I got to wear this thing,
but who knows what she's gonna be wearing?
Who cares if she's dressed like Godzilla?
Close your eyes, like you used to do
when you banged that ugly chick Trudy Lipnick in high school.
You thought she was ugly?
Is that debatable?
Whatever. I'm not going in.
- 50%. - No.
60.
Drama, you can give me the whole thing.
I just can't do it.
Give me that suit, dick.
Why, what are you gonna do?
If I'm dropping five G's,
at least get me some pussy.
What, am I supposed to just sit here?
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
(KNOCKING)
- Hey. - Hey.
Um, should we go?
What would you say if I said
let's blow off the restaurant and order in?
I'd say come inside.
- (KELSEY SQUEAKING) - (DRAMA GROANING)
Oh yeah!
(END MUSIC PLAYING)