(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- I cannot find this place. - Why are you too proud
to use your navigation system? Ask yourself that.
I tried the navigation, Turtle. It can't find it either.
Oh, that's too bad 'cause
you're about to miss the day's last bit of sun.
Just tell me where to turn. I'm on Poplar.
Uh, I don't know Poplar. Why don't you head back down the hill?
- I'll give you directions from Sunset. - I don't even know
where the bottom is. Why did we have to move all the way up here anyway?
'Cause it's an insane house, that's why.
Well, for 30 G's a month it should be.
Oh, stop stressing about money.
Vince says if he never makes another dollar
his advance check from "Clouds" can keep us in this house for 16 months.
- 18 months. - 18 months.
Oh, that will stop me from stressing. Okay, wait a second,
wait a second. I think I'm heading back down right now.
Durand Drive... Does that sound familiar?
Yeah yeah, turn there.
(TIRES SCREECH, CRASH)
- God damn it. - What?
Some girl just ran into me.
Oh my God, I think it's Anna Faris.
Really?
You know what? Let me call you back.
What happened?
Anna Faris just smashed into E.
- Sweet. - (TURTLE CHUCKLES)
- Did you not see me? - Oh, I am so sorry.
I just... I got distracted for a second.
It's totally my fault.
Well, it's okay. It was an accident.
Um, would you mind not coming any closer?
Why? You think I'm, like, some kind of a crazy fan or something?
No no, it's just that I'm in a towel.
I just got done with Pilates and I forgot a change.
And, you know, who wants to wear sweaty clothes after a shower?
So you decided to drive home in a towel?
- Yeah. It's a little weird, huh? - Not weird.
It's just not very practical in case you got in an accident.
Yeah. Um... so what now?
Well, I guess I've got to get your insurance, right?
I don't have my wallet.
Okay, you're just a mess today.
(LAUGHS)
But your fly is down.
- No, it's not. - (LAUGHS)
I'm sorry, I just wanted to take some of the attention off me.
Look, I'm feeling a little exposed. Can I give you my number?
I'm gonna be home in, like, 10 minutes
and then I'll give you everything you need.
Yeah. Yeah, that's cool.
Let me get my phone and get your number.
- I'm really sorry. - That's okay. It'll be all right.
What time's dinner, Daddy?
As soon as I'm done with this script, sweetie.
- Okay. - (MRS. ARI LAUGHING) Oh my God,
that is so funny!
(GUFFAWS) No, you are kidding me.
That is so funny.
(HIGH-PITCHED) Oh my God, too funny.
(IMITATES) Will you shut up?
Okay then. Um, yes, ASAP.
Okay. Thank you so much.
Well, guess who that was.
Um... Let me see,
it was Cara Grossman and she wants to know
if she should get her eyebrows
waxed first or if you should.
It was my old producer from "The Young and the Restless."
- What did he want? - Me.
I don't get it.
Well, it's the 35th anniversary of "Y&R"
and they want me to reprise my role as Kendall Scott.
Are you serious?
I am.
It seems that Kendall still gets quite a bit of fan mail
and the writers were in a bind and they've come up
with a little idea that could work for tomorrow.
- I hope you told them no. - I told them we'd talk about it.
We talked about it. So you tell them no.
We have not talked about it, Ari.
Well, honey, what is there to talk about?
I don't know, um... Tell me that it's exciting
and that if I did it, I'd be good.
It's a soap opera, baby. There is no good, there's just degrees of bad.
Well, then tell me that I would be pretty,
as pretty as the day I left the show.
Well, you left the show when you were 25
and now they shoot everything in high def.
You are such an asshole!
- Come on, baby. - Yeah, right. Well, ask anybody,
you've aged a lot worse than I have, baby.
Come here, honey. Where are you going?
- To call my producer... - For what?
...and tell him Kendall Scott, town slut, is back.
What's up, boys?
Pfft, for a guy who just got into an accident, you seem happy.
Maybe he's got a head injury.
It's a fender-bender, Drama. I'm fine. Are you nuts?
Well, I hope you didn't tell Ms. Faris that,
'cause we're gonna sue the crap out of her.
We're not suing anybody. There's barely any damage.
Yeah, visible damage,
but internal damage is a whole other thing.
- Let it go, Drama. - E, come on, what's up?
I don't know. She's cute.
- That she is. - We had a little moment.
- Pfft. No shot. - No way.
You're not a member of the celeb club, bro.
- It'll never happen. - I got her number.
I crashed into an 80-year-old woman once. She gave me her number too.
Whatever. I'm calling.
I bet my left nut he could not close Anna Faris.
Oh, gee, a bet I'd love to win.
- Shit. - What happened?
- She gave me the wrong number. - (LAUGHING)
Aw, don't feel too bad, E.
You're just a regular person, a civilian.
Too bad she didn't hit me.
We'd be fucking by now.
- Good morning, Ari. - Is that smirk for me
or are your Ben Wa balls shifting?
Just wondering how you're feeling
about not being the biggest star in your house anymore.
Oh, don't be a wiseass. How did you know?
- It's on Defamer. - You're kidding.
Oh, Ari, be proud of her.
She's gonna light up the screen
and bring a newfound excitement to Genoa City.
- You watch that shit? - "Y&R" is fourth
on my TiVo Season Pass priority list.
I haven't missed an episode in 12 years.
That is so sad.
You should go down to the set today, Ari.
Watch your wife's work, be supportive.
I've got my own life's work to support, Lloyd.
Lloyd!
Who the hell is this?
That's the underage student she seduces, Julio.
It's not a great picture. I have a better one.
It's my screen saver, if you wanna see.
- Clear my schedule. - Even your lunch?
I'm going to be eating Julio's lunch today.
Hi, Julio.
- I got it. - Got what?
Anna Faris's address. Wait till she sees me
show up on her doorstep.
What? I should pay for the car?
E, is this really about the money
or is this about your little moment?
- We did have a moment. - She's an actress.
- So what, I'm an idiot? - No, she's a good actress.
Is E still bitching about being bitch-slapped by a bitch?
He's rightfully upset.
Yeah, well, let it go. We have bigger problems.
What's that Turtle? Pink Dot insisting on seeing a note before you
- use Vince's credit card again? - Ho ho ho.
They discontinued his favorite weed.
Ourfavorite weed,
and it's not discontinued, it's extinct, gone forever.
Like the Yangtze River dolphin.
I gotta wait for the cable guy today. How am I gonna do that with no weed?
Why don't you pick up one of the other 50 kinds of weed
you've been living off for the last 20 years?
I'm too distraught.
Turtle, what if I was to tell you that I have a secret stash
of the most-recently-extinct Aurora Borealis
in a box in the living room?
I would say if I wasn't worried about appearances,
I would kiss you right now, Vin. How much you got?
Enough to make waiting for the cable guy tolerable.
Fantastic.
You know what? Maybe I'll stick around,
cook us a nice lunchtime feast. You do the shopping.
If I pick the menu.
Done. You in, E?
I can't. Got too much stuff to do today.
I'll see you guys later.
What's he gotta do?
I really miss this lovely canvas.
Oh, well, I hope I don't disappoint, Steven.
It's really nerve-wracking
when you haven't been in front of the camera for so long.
Don't worry. You look as good as ever and you will be fantastic.
Surprise, honey. Your husband has arrived.
Ari, what are you doing here?
Well, I wanted to see your work.
I wanted to be the supportive husband and meet your colleagues.
Hello, how are you? Ari Gold. Nice to meet you.
I am the man behind this beautiful woman.
Your wife has the most amazing skin.
- She does, doesn't she? - Uh, Steven,
do you think you could give us just a couple seconds?
Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you need.
Okay.
Ari, really, what are you doing here?
I heard about your scene.
Oh, come on, it's a soap. What did you think I was gonna be doing?
I don't know, discovering that your husband
is really your long-lost tranny cousin?
Who gives a shit? All I know is
I don't want another man's lips on my wife.
- It's barely a kiss. - And how are your kids
going to explain that in school
when people ask why their Mommy
is on TV barely kissing Juan Valdez?
Sarah's best friend's mother just got raped on "Criminal Minds" last week.
A) rape is involuntary and B) it's prime time.
- You are such an asshole. - Baby,
you're 30 minutes away from getting it on
with a 19-year-old Latin bullfighter
and I pass on hot pieces of ass
that throw themselves at me all day every day
without so much as a cupping of an ass cheek.
You know what? I'll tell you, if you can get one of them
to fuck you on national television, you have my blessing.
Ari, go back to work.
Baby, we agreed to suffer through monogamy together.
If you love me, you won't do it!
If you love me, you will get the hell out of here.
Seriously, Ari, you are pissing me off.
Go back to work.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPS)
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello? - Anna.
- Yeah, who's this? - The guy you smashed into last night.
Oh my God, I am so sorry I gave you the wrong phone number.
- Yeah, you did. - Oh, it was a total accident.
- Another one? - Hey, um...
How did you find my house?
- Star Maps. - Right.
So are you, like, here to beat me up?
- No. - 'Cause you do realize
it's a little nutty tracking me down like this, right?
If you didn't look so harmless, I'd be worried.
- I look harmless? - Yeah, that's a good thing.
I'm in the business. I manage Vincent Chase.
I'm not a crazy person. I'm just a little pissed off.
I mean, you blew off the accident.
Look, if I can just get your insurance info, that'd be great.
Yeah. Okay, come in.
Thank you.
I swear I didn't do it on purpose.
The phone is new and I'm just totally number dyslexic.
3253, 2353...
My brain just can't process the difference.
Well, I'm sorry to just show up like this.
No, listen, I'm crazy enough to do the same thing.
In high school someone put gum on my locker once
and I spent three weeks trying to track down who it was.
What happened?
Uh, I got my ass kicked by Jane Nevins,
the 300-lb resident school lunatic.
- (CHUCKLES) - So should we do this?
- Yeah. - Okay, here's mine.
There's my stuff right there.
So is your car totally screwed up?
Uh, not too bad, actually. Yours?
Completely. I did something to the wheels.
You know, I guess it's what I deserve.
Yeah, I've been waiting 40 minutes for a cab
to take me to a meeting. I am so late.
I can give you a lift.
Really? You'd do that?
I probably should have asked how far first.
Oh no, it's really close.
- No problem then. - Okay, I'm gonna go grab my stuff.
Okay.
(GROANS)
(CHUCKLES)
- This is nice. - Yeah. Yeah.
We don't get too much alone time, just you and me, bro.
Yeah.
So what do you want to do?
Well, we got no TV.
- Wanna talk? - Sure.
I got nothin'.
Yeah, me neither. You wanna smoke?
We promised Turtle we'd wait.
- I won't tell if you don't. - Spark it up.
Oh, yeah.
The little bastard took it all.
I was right to take it, 'cause you guys cannot control yourselves.
When are you bringing it back? Vince is bored.
I'll be home soon. Relax.
You'd better not smoke any of that
before you get back, Turtle.
Did you hear that? Vince feels violated.
Oh, please. I would have come home to nothing but stems
if I left it with you two degenerates.
Excuse me. Hey, I only have a few things.
Would you mind if I went ahead of you?
I'll call you back.
Uh, sure, yeah, I'll let you go,
but if your boyfriend comes running up here with 20 more items,
- I'm gonna be pissed. - I don't have a boyfriend.
Then by all means.
Thanks.
TURTLE: Healthy living.
Yeah, me and my friends are having a little midday fiesta.
Hey, you know what? Me and my friends are having one too.
Maybe we should, uh, combine parties.
- I don't think so. - Oh, come on.
I guarantee you our party will be better than yours.
Oh, yeah? Why?
'Cause it's at Vincent Chase's house.
Really?
(DISTANT BELL RINGING)
- Javier. - Yes?
Ari Gold. Do you know me?
(SPANISH ACCENT) Oh, yes yes, I know of you.
I'd shake your hand, but I just used my cocoa butter.
Are you interested in representing me?
I may be. I may be,
but right now I'm interested
in talking to you about your scene today.
Scene? I have many scenes.
There's only one scene that I wanna talk to you about.
- Which one is that? - It's the one with Mrs. Gold.
- Mrs. Gold? - Yeah, my wife.
- She plays Kendall Scott. - Oh, Kendall Scott.
I'm sorry, I only know character names.
I'm a method actor.
Mm, well, uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
You're supposed to kiss her on the mouth.
- Just acting. - Don't.
Mr. Gold, the script says that I have to.
Look, Javier, I can help you, okay?
You don't want to spend the rest of your life
having fat middle-aged women and odd homosexual men
getting off to your work, do you? You have bigger dreams,
I'm sure, and let me tell you,
as anyone in this town can tell you,
I am a dream weaver, all right?
So you focus on what I'm saying
and I will have you kissing Ugly Betty by Christmas,
but nobody gets to kiss my wife, nobody but me.
Oh, this is nice.
I can get used to having a personal driver.
Well, I might have to take the job just to keep the roads safe...
- Oh! ...with you driving, yes.
You know, you did stop short.
What are you talking about? When you are the person
that crashes into another person, it's always your fault.
That's common knowledge. Everybody knows that.
Yeah, I know...
But you did stop short.
A little bit. But still, your fault.
So where am I taking you anyway?
Oh, I've got this meeting with a director
- for this movie I'm gonna do. - Oh yeah? What movie?
- "Brown-Eyed Girl." - Okay, I've read that.
They sent it over for Vince a ways back.
So what happened? You didn't like it?
No, not for Vince.
Do you like it for me?
I mean, I don't know. I read it for Vince.
Nice save.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE) - No, seriously, it was a long time ago.
I don't even remember specifics. So is this it?
Yeah. Um... look, can you please
be honest with me and tell me what you thought of the script?
What does it matter what I think?
Well, because now I've gotta go into this meeting
and you're all in my head and...
Just humor me. I can take it.
Okay. All right, look, I didn't like it.
I mean, if it were just a regular romantic comedy,
I'd go, "Okay, it's cute." But it's not. It tries to be so much more.
All right? When movies do that, I don't know,
it just... It pisses me off.
All right, look, the third act... When it looks like
they're gonna get back together and all of a sudden
she's taking off to start an organic dog food company?
I mean, come on. It just felt broad and manipulative
and just... I don't know, I didn't buy it.
You really forgot the specifics, huh?
- Was that just way too honest? - No no no no.
No, I appreciate it. And I really appreciate the ride.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
So I guess our insurance people will talk?
Yeah. Yeah, I guess.
Okay, it was nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you. Good luck on your meeting.
- Thank you. Bye. - Bye.
So when do we get to smoke some of this allegedly extinct weed?
When we get back to the house.
- Why can't we just smoke some now? - 'Cause I promised my friends
I wouldn't smoke it without them.
That's kind of gay.
I thought you were gonna bring two friends as hot as you.
Stop. She's cool.
What's he saying about me up there?
Nothing.
- Can we at least smell it? - You can, 'cause you're hot.
Oh, eat me.
Not even if you bathe yourself in butterscotch, sweetheart.
That smells good.
Just pass the bowl back and let us take one hit.
Put the cap back on, pass it up and shut up.
- Turtle! - Stop sign!
- Oh, shit. - (HORN HONKS)
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh, great great.
Way to go, retard.
(SIREN STOPS)
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
Hello, Officer.
License, registration, please.
It's in here. I'm gonna reach for it slow.
(SNIFFS) What's that smell?
MAN: Bring it in, bring it in. Right there.
DIRECTOR: And action!
- Miss Kendall. - Come on, Julio,
you can't honestly call me that with a straight face
now that you're all grown up.
I'm sorry. You look amazing.
Miss Kendall, you were my babysitter.
You're not a baby anymore.
And now that we're both adults,
I thought we could catch up like adults.
- Miss Kendall... - Julio,
what would you do to me
if I let you do anything
and if I promised never to tell your Uncle Juan?
Julio, tell me, what would you do?
I would do...
This.
DIRECTOR: Cut!
What the fuck was that? You're supposed to kiss her.
I thought it was a little bit more romantic.
- It's not. Let's do it again. - I'd rather not.
You'd rather not what?
I'd rather not kiss her.
What is the problem here?
I'm sorry, is it me? Am I doing something wrong?
No no no, it's not you. You're an incredible woman.
So what then?
(SIGHS) It's him.
He threatened my career and he promised me "Ugly Betty."
I will be right back.
Uh, you are interfering with my work.
Baby, come on.
Honey, no matter what you say or do, he's not gonna kiss you.
- Oh, really? - No, it's not gonna happen, honey.
You really think that? Okay.
I kissed him. It's done. Let's shoot this.
Agh!
You don't look like you have glaucoma to me.
- What's he saying to him? - I don't know,
but can he arrest all of us for this?
I'm telling him he kidnapped us if he tries.
Officer, please. We purchased that weed legally.
- We weren't gonna smoke it. - Son, I don't want to hear
another syllable out of you unless I ask you a question.
Now it says your truck is registered to Vincent Chase.
Yeah, I'm sort of his driver. Are you a fan?
And if I throw you in jail, who's gonna drive your movie star down
- to bail you out? - I don't know, sir, but please...
- Get down on your knees! - What?
Down! Now!
- Flat on your stomach! - Are you gonna shoot me right now?
No.
Drop it in the sewer.
(KISSES)
Now get in your car and get out of here.
I can go?
Better make it quick before I change my mind.
Thank you, Officer. Thank you.
(EXHALES)
- What happened? - Are you okay?
He made me throw the weed down the sewer.
Oh, bet your friends are gonna be pissed.
(MOCK LAUGH) Can I tape your mouth shut if you're wrong?
What... What are you doing?
(MUTTERS) What?
I don't believe this guy.
What is he doing?
- (GASPS) - How?
- Put it on the ledge. - (EXCLAIMING)
- Wow, even I'm impressed. - Yay!
Never tell an actress you don't like her work, E.
Or an actor for that matter. It hurts.
I know. I'm an idiot.
Don't feel too bad. You were never gonna get her anyway.
Oh, thanks, Drama. I feel much better now.
(PHONE RINGING)
Anna.
- Hello. - Hey, Eric, it's Anna.
Hey.
Listen, I felt like we got cut off today.
Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?
Yes, sure. Sounds great.
- I can take a cab or... - No, I'll pick you up.
- Great. How's 8:00? - Perfect.
- All right, cool. - I'll see you at 8:00.
Anna just asked me to go out to dinner with her.
Nice!
- She asked you? - Yeah.
Make sure you pay. End this cycle of bitchdom.
- (WOMEN LAUGHING) - TURTLE: I'm home.
Finally.
VINCE: You'd better have something good, Turtle.
Looks like someone found some fresh meat at the market.
Guys, this is Laurie, Morgan...
And yours, Drama. E, I didn't know you were gonna be here,
or else I would have found a fourth.
You and Drama can fight it out for her.
Thanks, Turtle.
Hi there. Jonathan Chase.
- Hi. - It's a pleasure to meet you.
- Hello. - Hi.
- TURTLE: Yes! - Yeah, try taking that
and I'll break your fucking fingers.
It's 8:00. What are you doing in bed?
Long day. I'm relaxing.
The kids eat?
- I made lasagna. - You did?
It was Stouffer's, but I did the microwaving.
Look, about today...
Forget today, all right? Let's never talk about today again.
It's over and I'm no longer mad...
(HARRUMPHS) You're no longer mad?
Well, I am mad, you selfish prick.
- And I want an apology, Ari. - No no no, your little Latin joyride
means me never having to say I'm sorry.
- What, you're not gonna apologize? - No, I'm not.
Well, then how are we gonna get past this?
I'm already past it,
unless you're gonna go kiss another guy.
- Then we're all good, all right? - Well, I just may.
They asked me to be a series regular on the show.
You're bluffing.
Am I?
I'm sorry, okay? I get jealous.
You're possessive. I don't want an apology for that.
What... For what then?
For...
For telling me that I am old
and that I wouldn't photograph in high def.
It's a legitimate concern.
Look, I just didn't want you doing it, all right?
I like the way things are. I don't want you on television.
I don't want some 19-year-old kissing the lips
that I'm supposed to be kissing, all right?
Listen, if you wanna go and be a soap whore every day,
just do it knowing that you make your husband miserable.
You think I want to do it, Ari?
I gave up acting to have a family
and I have never ever regretted it.
I like the way things are.
I just wanted to have one day of stupid fun.
With Julio down at the schoolyard.
Well, if I'm so old and ugly, why do you even care?
Well, some guys are into that. I mean, you know...
Tell me that I am sexy, Ari.
Honey, you are...
The beautiful mother of my children.
And I respect you.
- (LAUGHS) - Mmm, Julio.
Oh, Julio.
You little slut!
(REGGAETON PLAYING)
- Here you go. - Thanks.
I swear to God, my life... I thought I was gonna die.
Oh my God, you're insane.
And thoroughly entertaining.
Thank you so much for coming to dinner with me.
There's no arguments... It's on me.
No shot. I'm paying.
Oh, no no. We're gonna have to fight it out when the bill comes.
- Oh, we will. - Okay.
- So how was your meeting? - Not good.
I told you, you were in my head.
Oh, I'm sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut.
No no. You know what? You were right.
I reread the script and I hate it.
- You serious? - Yeah.
I knew I was justifying, though.
I mean, it shoots in Italy for three months.
How great would that be? But it's just not that good.
So what are you gonna do now?
I told my agent to get me out of it.
Oh my God, I feel terrible.
- This director's gonna kill me. - No no no no.
No, you were right. And good advice is hard to come by.
- Well... - I actually wouldn't mind
picking your brain for some more advice.
- Sure. - (PHONE RINGING)
Oh, I'm sorry. Hang on a second.
Hey, baby. All right,
I'm probably gonna be home in, like, two hours.
(WHISPERS) It's my boyfriend.
- That steak was amazing. - Yeah, what do you season it with?
(CHUCKLES) I'll never tell.
Oh, come on. You'll tell me.
No, seriously, I won't.
It's unbelievable. This shit just keeps going and going.
Yeah, so stop running your mouth and keep it going.
No, I'm serious. We've only had, like, an eighth,
- and it's still... - Actually, Turtle,
I might have come across another secret stash while I was unpacking.
You're getting sneakier and sneakier, Vin.
- (CHUCKLES) - So what now, ladies?
Who's up for a little...
Skinny dip?
- I'm in. - All right.
- Anyone else? - Be nice, Turtle.
- I'm the only shot you got tonight. - Pfft.
- Really? I got a shot? - No, not really.
- VINCE: Hey, what up? - Yo.
What's up is you missed the cable guy. That's what's up.
- Oh, shit. - Nice, Turtle.
- VINCE: How was the big date? - It wasn't a date. She has a boyfriend.
A boyfriend? Why did she take you out to dinner?
She wanted some career advice. She doesn't have a manager.
- She wants you to be her manager? - Yep.
Whoa.
DRAMA: I told you you wouldn't fuck her.
All right, in the pool, ladies. Let's go.
Come on. Yeah, baby.
Are you gonna tell me what's on that steak?
We'll see.
I'll print out the recipe.
She wants you to be her manager, huh?
Yeah.
Interesting.
Oh!
- (LAUGHING) - DRAMA: Yeah, baby.