(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(RAP MUSIC THUMPING)
TURTLE: I can't believe this.
The guy finally hooks up with Justine Chapin and he won't tell us nothing.
VINCE: I told you, Turtle, we had a good time.
TURTLE: Come on, Vin. Need little more info than that.
Besides, since when don't we share the details of our love life?
Since you shared the details of the girl with the anal warts.
That was therapy, not entertainment.
Just give the little perv something, bro.
He won't stop nagging till he gets what he wants.
- Like you don't want to know? - I have my own sex life to jerk off to.
TURTLE: Uh, correction, you had your own sex life.
I mean, it was virtual, but now it's over.
- Turtle! - What?
No, it's okay, bro. He's right. It's over.
Jacqueline was just another hozy
who tore my heart out of my chest and handed it to me.
So laugh at me. Whatever.
I'm not laughing, Drama. I'm just curious what a "hozy" is.
It's a ho and a floozy, E. And as it turns out, Jacqueline was both.
VINCE: We'll get you through it, Johnny.
Let's cross here.
- (HONKING) - TURTLE: We got it, come on.
Keep your eyes closed, Daddy!
They're closed, buddy. They're closed.
- He's peeking. - I'm not peeking.
Why do women never trust me, honey? Come on.
Okay, we're almost there. Just a couple more steps.
All right.
- A couple more. - Okay.
- All right.
All right, stop now. Open your eyes.
Fuck me!
- Daddy! - I'm sorry, buddy, I'm sorry.
- But holy sh... - Ari!
Baby, what is this?
Happy anniversary.
I don't... Baby, my gift does not compare to that.
Oh, don't worry. I got myself something to make up for it.
Oh, my God, remember how much I wanted this when I was 25?
- Now you have it. - But I'm not 25.
Well, maybe it'll make you feel like you are.
- Can I drive? - Never.
- Oh, man! - (ARI LAUGHS)
I know things are bad, Marvin.
Bad was last year. Things are fucking disastrous now.
You're like Katrina with a black card.
- I've been broke before. - You're not broke, you're bankrupt.
You've got to file Chapter 11.
I'm not filing Chapter 11.
You've got to wipe the slate clean and start all over again.
And this time on a budget and without dependents.
Should I just get an appetizer?
You should go on a hunger strike.
Vince, this is no time to be proud.
Marvin, my father filed bankruptcy,
left my mother with nothing, not even child support.
So call it pride, whatever you want, I'm not going to do it.
You're a better man than me, bro. I filed three times.
Maybe that's why I'm alone.
Maybe it's because you're fucking ugly.
All right, Vince, don't file.
But get a job, and fast.
There's nothing out there to grab that quick.
Oh, no? Call Shauna. She's just got a client we share an appearance deal in Dubai.
They pay big money for girls over there.
It was Michael Bublé, moron.
And all he had to do was show up at a camel race.
A camel race? Doesn't sound too bad, huh?
(POP SONG BLARING)
(ENGINE REWING)
Wow, nice car, Ari.
Anniversary gift from the wife. Thanks, Davies.
Oh, that's right, I forgot, you married into money.
Good for you, Ari. Good for you.
We only use her money for the small stuff.
Someday when you're done sucking on Terrance's tit,
you might want to get yourself into a man's car like this.
(SNIFFS) Breathe deep, Ari,
here comes the dust.
- Fuck it. - (TIRES SQUEAL)
Easy, Ari.
What do you say we race for pink slips?
I was thinking about getting that car for my daughter for her Sweet 16.
Your daughter's almost 16, huh, Ari?
Two more years and she's legal.
- Watch it, Davies. - Or what?
You couldn't catch me if you wanted to.
100 bucks says I pass Bijan before you.
Bijan? You really are a bitch.
But you're on!
(HONKING)
- (BRAKES SQUEAL) - (THUDS)
Christy, where the fuck are you?
I thought you said you were going to speak nicer to me in front of the clients.
File a labor grievance. In the meantime,
do we have any appearances that Vincent can do?
Actually, I just got a call from some guy in Bel Air about his daughter's Sweet 16.
Zac Efron was supposed to do it, but his appendix exploded.
Great. Call him back and tell him we have an actor
whose testicles have actually dropped.
But tell him that Vince won't do it for a dime less than Zachary was getting.
VINCE: Wow, maybe we should have Shauna call the studios.
Yeah, if she can close.
Oh, I'll close, Eric. These people would be lucky to have you, Vincent.
Let's make it a two-fer, Shauna.
This way the Chase brothers can wipe them out clean.
Stick to chili festivals, Drama.
What the fuck does that mean?
It means that you're far from a Sweet Sixteener's wet dream.
I'll be outside, fellas.
What's he so sensitive about?
He's going through a rough breakup.
- Someone went out with him? - (CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Hello? - It's Amanda.
- Oh, hey. - This a good time?
- Yeah, what's up? - I am impressed with your taste, Eric.
Oh, yeah?
That's a very good script you gave me, very good.
- Yeah, I thought so. - I sent it to Edward Norton,
'cause I have a feeling he may just respond to it.
- Ed Norton? - Yes, I hope that was okay.
- Yeah, of course. - Great.
I'll let you know when I hear something.
- Say hi to Vince. - All right, thanks, Amanda.
Amanda says hi.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- She liked Nine Brave Souls. - Really?
She wants to give it to Ed Norton.
Oh.
They're excited about Vince,
but they'd like to meet him before they commit.
- I can't even book a Sweet 16? - Oh, it's just a formality.
Go there, be your charming self, but leave Turtle and Drama in the car, okay?
I was worried about you, Ari.
You're never late and you always answer your cell.
Yeah, well, I had a little problem with the Ferrari.
- Already? - Yep.
I was involved in some illegal street-racing.
- Ooh, sexy. - With Adam Davies.
- Ew, gross. - Yep, and I lost so I owe him 100 bucks.
Oh, fuck Adam Davies.
I'd like to see him come here and try and collect.
Well, my confidence grows tenfold knowing that you have my back, Lloyd.
But I don't welch. So here is $100.
Please put it in a brown paper bag along with a nice big pile of shit
and send it over there.
- Excuse me... - Human shit, Lloyd.
- Right now. - That is really disgusting, Ari.
No, really disgusting is going to be the American Psycho style dismemberment
I am going to perform on you, if you don't do that right fucking now.
- What about doggy poo? - Human shit, Lloyd!
Yours, if it's easier. Otherwise, go camp out in the men's bathroom
or the women's bathroom, whichever will have you, but I need a specimen.
(PHONE RINGING)
- What? - ERIC: That's a nice greeting
the Miller Gold Agency's got going on there, Ari.
Listen, if I knew it was you, it would have been a lot worse.
- What? - I want you to know that we're on our way
to try to land Vince a Sweet 16 appearance gig.
(SIGHS) Jesus!
Yeah, meanwhile the script I sent you last week is on its way to Ed Norton.
- Really? - Yeah, Nine Brave Souls.
Amanda liked it.
Yeah, we all know what great taste she has.
- Vince needs a job, Ari. - I understand that, Eric.
But you need to understand that you are the reason he doesn't have one.
Vince needs a studio movie. Not an indie.
So don't waste my fucking time with the possibility
that maybe Ed Norton might read or may not read some fucking script
that may or may not be good because some half-ass agent
who couldn't carry my sperm sample likes it.
- Okay? - Yeah, okay.
- Does he have anything? - Yeah, he's got a few leads.
What was he yelling about?
Ah, you know Ari. He's just stressed.
- Everybody seems to be today. - The moon must be in retrograde.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
- MAN: Yes? - How are you doing?
I have Vincent Chase for the Sweet 16 meet.
Come through. And please take your shoes off at the front door.
I'm not taking off my fucking shoes.
What's the problem, Drama? You make people do it at your place.
I just broke up with someone, Turtle. I'm exhausted.
MAN: Mr. Levine is waiting for you. This way, please.
(OVER VIDEOGAME) You're about to die with blood on.
Let's get him!
Mr. Bob, your 2:00 is here.
BOB: Oh, welcome. Please come in.
Oh, guys, I'm so happy you're here.
- Bob Levine. How are you? - Eric Murphy.
- Nice to meet you. - Vince.
- Please, of course. - How are you, Bob?
- How are you? Nice to see you. - Hey.
Hey, Mitchell, say hello to Mr. Chase and his friends.
- Hey. - I'm so happy you're here in my home.
I'm such a fan.
Now who wants some Johnny Blue?
- Johnny does. - I'm driving.
- Why not? - I'm working.
- All right. - In fact, make mine a double.
- Coming up. - Hello, everybody, hello.
- I thought we said 2:00? - We came right from Shauna's office.
All right, it's 2:30 and I am extremely pressed for time.
That Zac Efron really fucked me over.
But my son tells me my daughter's going to be absolutely thrilled with you.
- Right, Mitchy? - Uh-huh.
Oh, what are you doing with your shoes on?
Please take your shoes off.
Take your shoes off, Drama.
Now I don't know what my husband told you,
but tonight is extremely important to both of us.
Ah, yes, we're spending just over a million on our sweet baby girl.
That's some Sweet 16.
You don't know the half of it.
We're gonna be swimming in an ocean of Cristal.
I've got enough Almas Russian-gold caviar
for 300 guests, so, please, don't come on an empty stomach!
Okay, so Efron was supposed to do a performance.
Now what can you do?
Uh, I act.
What else can you do?
Vince would love to make an appearance, greet guests,
have a dance with your daughter. How does that sound?
- Nice. - Boring.
- She doesn't do boring. - No, I need flashy.
(SOFTLY) She needs someone to take that stick out of her ass.
- Excuse me? - Vince was Aquaman,
ma'am, star of the highest grossing film of all time.
Aquaman, Aquaman, yes.
Yes, okay...
And what is Aquaman known for again, Mitchell?
He's king of the ocean. He can dehydrate his opponent with a single touch.
MRS. LEVINE: Right. BOB: Sweetheart, what if...
Okay, here's what I'm thinking. We will have Vince dressed as Aquaman,
unveil him at the party sitting in an ice throne
- in the middle of the pool. - Are you serious?
All of the tables surround the hotel pool and you will be like a living centerpiece
for everyone to see. I love this.
Five hours on an iceberg could get a bit chilly, huh?
- Sweetie? - 200 Gs warm you up, Vince?
Fuck that. I'd rather be bankrupt.
Turtle, you know how you drive in Grand Theft Auto?
Way ahead of you, Vin.
- What a waste of time. - Not a total waste.
- Oh, you boosted their Scotch, Johnny? - Fuck 'em.
The way they insulted you, bro, they had it coming.
Let's get hammered like it's St. Paddy's day.
I know a place.
Look at this shit, man, gangster, drug dealer, rapper. Pfft!
I may as well be playing my fucking self.
Listen, what, do you want to play Othello?
No, I want to do Black Sabbath.
- The Ozzy Osbourne story? - It's actually a story
about a young black supermarket checker who falls in love with an older Jewish woman.
- And I'm thinking Meryl Streep. - We love Meryl Streep, Ari.
Meryl Streep is good.
It's set against the Crown Heights riots.
- Any love scenes? - Three.
- I mean, I could pull it off. - MAN: Mr. Gold?
Yes.
I'm Officer Nickerson. This is Officer Morgan.
- Officer? - Is this about the car accident?
No, sir, this is about that bag of feces you sent one Adam Davies today.
What about it?
That sounds like an admission of guilt to me.
- Cuff him, Bill. - No, no, hold on a second.
Wait a minute! Hold on a second.
Since when is sending someone a present a crime?
Since we say it is, Mr. Gold.
You are literally on some sick shit, Ari.
NICKERSON: Mr. Gold, if you cooperate,
we'll make this as pleasant an experience as we can for you.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
ARl: Wait a minute, wait! What is this?
- Who are you guys? - BHPD... Boner Patrol.
Oh, please... Oh, come on!
You're about to get your stiffy inspected.
- Oh, my God! - Lloyd!
- (LAUGHING) - Lloyd!
- I'm outta here, Ari. - Hold on, TI.
Call me when you're done with your entertainment.
Lloyd, you speak their language. Make it stop!
It'll be over soon, Ari. Just close your eyes and think of pussy.
(RINGS)
I hope you're not calling me for a release on your hard on, Ari.
I'd call your mother for that, Davies.
I actually want to talk to you about a little misunderstanding.
See, practical jokes are for friends.
And we ain't friends.
It wasn't a joke, Ari, it was torture.
Get used to it, pal, 'cause it's gonna keep coming.
Like the Terminator, I cannot be stopped.
This is a very dangerous game you're playing, Davies.
Ari, I am going to fuck with you day and night.
You know why? Because I'm younger,
cooler and better looking than you.
And because I can.
This means war, Lloyd.
I thought it was war when I sent him shit this morning.
Look, I'm about to tell you something that stays with us, all right?
And is not to be shared with Mrs. Ari.
Now I know you don't know the man code, so I want you to swear
on Tom getting gangrene on his cock that you will say nothing.
- I won't utter a word. - All right.
Davies' girlfriend back in the day made a play for me
when she was humping a pushcart in the mailroom.
I didn't do anything, but I saved the evidence.
- Slut! - (ARI LAUGHS)
What are you going to do with these, Ari?
I am going to send these to Davies and I'm going to shatter his world,
because a shattered world is what you get when you mess with Ari Gold.
Well, if you ask me, Ari Gold should rise up and be the bigger man.
Well, unlike your world, where the bigger man pounds the smaller man from behind,
the bigger man in my world is the last man standing.
And that man will be me, all right?
So I want you to send those pictures and let's watch the atom bomb explode.
(LAUGHS)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hos, hos and more hos. I can't believe you guys dragged me here.
- You used to love Crazy Girls. - I used to love a lot of things, bro.
But a lot of things just didn't love me back.
Hey, guys.
Save it, honey. We're anti-women here.
- Real smooth, Drama, nice. - (PHONE RINGS)
- Marvin. - BOTH: Voicemail.
Maybe we should just eBay-off everything we own.
We don't own that much. Most of it's leased.
Auction that shit off anyway. It'll be somebody else's problem.
- Great idea, Turtle. - We're not gonna panic.
It's gonna work out someway somehow. What is it you always say, Vince?
It'll work out. It always does, right?
- I used to say that? - Yeah.
Hear, hear! Life sucks.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Hey, Shauna.
It ain't Shauna, Eric. It's Marvin. Stop ducking my fucking phone calls.
It's Shauna, too, Eric. You're on conference.
- What's going on? - What's going on is your client ducked out
- on a $200,000 appearance fee. - Yeah, I know. I was there.
Didn't I stress the importance of income this morning?
Yeah, you did, but it wasn't the right offer.
SHAUNA: We know all about it, Eric. I spoke to Bob Levine personally.
He'll pay Vincent 200 grand just to serenade
the birthday girl with that bullshit I Love You, Baby song
from Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons. Can Vincent handle that?
That's why I'm on the phone, Eric,
- to say he fucking better. - You got 200 grand.
All you gotta do is sing I Can't Take My Eyes Off You to the kid.
No iceberg?
- He's in. - Great, I'll notify the Levines.
I'll see you here tomorrow morning with the check, Eric.
I'll talk to you guys later.
- We're back in business. - It's about time!
What do you say we spend some of that cash on some dances?
I thought you'd never ask.
Traitorous scum.
It's coming, Lloyd. It's coming.
- When, Ari, when? - (PHONE RINGS)
- Now, Lloyd. - Ari Gold's office.
Just one moment, Mr. Davies.
Can you smell it, Lloyd? You know what that smells like?
Defeat. Surrender is imminent.
- I feel bad for him now. - Fuck him!
Like the great philosopher Sun Tzu said,
"When you're done fucking your enemies, fuck them some more."
I took philosophy and Sun Tzu did not say that, Ari.
I'm paraphrasing, whatever. Put him through.
Davies!
(APPLAUDS)
Bravo, Ari, bravo.
Only I broke up with that whore six months ago.
- Bullshit you did. - True shit, Ari.
I'm fucking a Miami Heat cheerleader now.
If you don't believe me, watch the game tomorrow night.
I'll have her blow me courtside for the cameras.
Yeah, but it's still gotta sting knowing the entire time
you were fucking your ex, she was dreaming of getting stuffed by me.
Please, Ari, you were hardly the only guy around here she offered to fuck.
Word is she took on the whole new-media division at the La Quinta retreat.
Whatever, Davies. Either way, we're done!
Done?
(CHUCKLES)
Not quite, pal.
Check your email.
I, uh, think you're gonna like it.
I found it on the World Wide Web.
(GASPS) The missus!
It's from a little-known piece of cinema called Hardbodies 3.
Did you book that job for her?
Breathe, Ari, breathe.
Ari Gold! Wait for backup!
Please, Ari, let me at least call your therapist.
Adam Davies, I'm looking for you!
Mr. Gold, Mr. Gold!
I'm back!
Davies, where are you?
Adam Davies, this is your unlucky day.
Davies.
Adam Davies.
Bring your bitch-ass out here.
Davies!
DAVIES: Are you serious coming here like this, Ari?
Games are games, Davies, but that is the mother of my children.
So apologize or I will kick your ass in front of your entire deadbeat agency.
That is what we call a bitch slap. A bitch slap for a bitch.
What do you say we go outside and finish it off, huh?
- You are going down for this, Ari. - I don't really care.
Now you apologize for what you did
or I'm going to knock you the fuck out right here and right now.
I'm gonna count to three.
One...
- I apologize. - I can't hear you.
I said...
I'm sorry.
Nice seeing everybody again.
Whew.
Come on, Lloyd.
Ari Gold, you have fists of fury!
(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)
Bartender, another.
Jesus, Drama, don't you think you've had enough for one day?
What, are you my sponsor?
He's right, Drama. You're like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas,
except you don't have Elisabeth Shue to fuck.
Elisabeth Shue played a whore, Turtle.
Need I say more? Hurry up, bartender. I've got pain to numb.
Mmm, you know what, Johnny? I'll do another one with you.
- Make it two. - There you go again, bro.
Proving my theory that the only men in this gang
with hair on their balls are the Chase men.
You all right?
Yeah, you know, it's not exactly how I imagined my life to go.
But things could be worse.
Things are going up from here, I know it.
How about my singing voice, how's that gonna go?
You're gonna be great.
I've heard you sing it before at J.P.'s bar back home.
- Yeah, I was drunk, E. - Here come the Levines.
You're gonna be great. Don't worry about it.
Thanks.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Please say hello to our Sweet Sixteener Candace.
- Hello, Candace, nice to meet you. - You, too, Vincent.
- DRAMA: Future hozy. - Uh-huh.
Please excuse the bandage.
She hurt her nose doing God-knows-what.
Right after I just paid 20K for a nose job.
- Bob! - Dad!
What, sweet plum? It happened.
Maybe I injured it sucking my boyfriend's dick.
Did you ever think about that?
Forget I said "future".
- Don't talk to your father that way. - Fuck you, Mom.
I will go fuck this whole fucking party right now if I fucking want to.
Stop being such a drama queen!
- She's a sweet kid. - Yeah!
(LAUGHS) Teenager going through a phase.
That phase will last a lifetime, Bob.
He's kidding.
Everybody, I'm home!
Thank you, sweetie.
- Why did Lloyd drop you off? - I had a little mishap with the Ferrari.
What?
- Daddy! - There's my man.
Oh, ho, ho! Guess what?
- Your daddy got you a gift. - Whoa, cool.
Cool is right. And you know what?
I'm gonna show you how to use them. You want to know why?
Because you're the strongest guy in Hollywood?
- I told you that already? - Mmm-hmm.
Now it's official. Boom, boom-boom.
- Honey? - Yeah, baby?
What kind of mishap did you get in with the Ferrari?
Remember how you said the car would make me feel 25 again?
- Yes. - It made me feel 18 again...
- Whoo! ...and I'm going to prove it to you.
- What about the kids? - Sarah, take care of your brother.
Mommy and Daddy have a little conference.
Are you still taking me to dinner?
- That's doubtful. - Okay.
(SINGING BIRTHDAY SONG)
That's not the only thing she's going to be blowing tonight.
- Will you shut up, Drama? - Why don't you make me, E?
MRS. LEVINE: Okay, everybody,
we have a very special surprise for you.
Please give a warm, warm welcome
to Mr. Vincent Chase ofAquaman fame!
- (SQUEALING) - DRAMA: Break a leg, bro.
ERIC: Knock 'em dead. MRS. LEVINE: He's coming.
Won't you please say a few words?
Well, I'm very happy to be here with Candace on this very special occasion.
I know a way you could make it more special, Vincent.
Candace, don't be a whore.
Everybody, Mr. Vincent Chase.
- (CHEERING) - (ORCHESTRA PLAYING)
(SINGING CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU)
I'm not letting him go out like this.
Not my bro. Not tonight.
What are you talking about? He sounds great.
- Stop it, Drama. - Not to my ears he don't.
Put your jacket on!
(BOTH SINGING)
(PHONE RINGING)
- Yeah? - Good news, Eric.
- Ed Norton liked the script? - He loved it.
- He wants to do it. - That's great.
Only he sees it a little bit bigger than scripted.
He wants to see the fireman battling the blaze,
instead ofjust sitting around the firehouse talking about it.
That sounds like a lot bigger than a little bigger.
He wants to make it a studio film, Eric.
Maybe get Ridley Scott to direct it.
And he thinks Smokejumpers is a more evocative title
than Nine Brave Souls. You okay with that?
- Sure. - Great. I'll let you know when I know more.
Go back to your party.
Yeah, Vincent Chase!
Oh, my God.
(ALL SINGING)
Can you hear me, bitches? (COUGHING)
(GROANING)
I hope you got the money in advance.
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)