(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Mahalo, my dear.
You got to love a place where you get lei'd coming and going.
Even if you don't get laid during?
Whatever. I actually enjoyed my R & R.
And I got some good color, right bro?
Looking like George Hamilton.
- But young. - Yeah, yeah, the 50-year-old George Hamilton.
- Yo. - How'd it go?
Three coach, one first class.
You weren't supposed to get any first class.
It's the only seats they had left.
Otherwise we had to wait for the night flight.
Forget that.
DRAMA: So who gets the extra leg room?
- Vince, obviously. - No, not obviously.
We'll settle it democratically.
Democratically implies that everyone deserves a voice.
My contention is broke-ass Turtle does not.
Yeah, well my contention is Vince is the king,
and if he says I get a voice then let me be heard.
I really don't care much about it. You guys fight it out.
VINCE: Yeah, you know what? Me neither.
E and I will slum it like we did the first 20 years of our lives.
Come on, now you're gonna make us feel bad.
I don't feel bad, pal. Your short squat legs
will not extend comfortably without a fight.
So how do we decide?
I'll pick a number one to 20. The closest man gets it.
- Okay. - No go.
- Why not? - Because you favor Turtle, bro.
- What? - It might be subconsciously, but you do.
Wow. Okay.
I get it. Excuse me, sir?
Would you mind settling this?
I have one first class ticket, both of these gentlemen want it.
Will you decide?
- Him. - Yes.
What the hell? Why not me?
My subconscious likes him more better, I guess.
TURTLE: Ha ha.
Fucking foreign cabbie.
Johnny, what's the big deal?
Well, if it wasn't him there would be none. Look at him.
Yeah, look at me, heading straight into paradise.
- I owe you, Vin. - Yeah, you think?
- Hello. - Hey.
- Can I take your jacket? - Yes, you can.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Excuse me, Miss? Miss?
Miss?
- Fucking cunts. - (CHUCKLES)
Are you laughing at me?
No.
Good. Don't.
I was just trying to help. Are you okay?
I'm fine. I just need a drink.
And a fucking aisle seat, which they fucking had none.
(MAN SIGHS)
Sir, will you switch with me?
My pleasure.
Thank you. There you go.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I'm sorry if I seem rude. I'm just...
I'm Jamie.
I know.
I'm Turtle. I love your work.
Oh, thanks.
You sure you're okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just broke up with my boyfriend.
I don't want to talk about it. I just want a drink.
Let me get you one. What do you need?
Scotch.
Watch this.
Scotch.
- How about we make it a double? - (LAUGHS)
- Thanks so much. - You're welcome.
(BABY CRYING)
Yo, love that you're sitting coach. Very cool.
Thanks, kid.
How you doing, Drama?
Not good.
But I took two Vics, so I will be.
(CRYING)
- Morning, Bradley - Is it, Ari?
What?
What do you got, Lloyd?
Lloyd?
- Lloyd! - Yes, Ari?
What's wrong? Tom catch you cruising for glory holes again?
Joke all you want, but you are the cheater now, Ari.
- How was Geneva? - Great. Went to Paris too.
Sorry I didn't bring you back a Toulouse-Lautrec dildo,
- but you have me back. - No, Benedict Arnold. I don't.
When were you gonna tell me about this?
Oh, Jesus, Lloyd. You know Variety is one step above Us Weekly.
Well, Us Weekly didn't send this fax.
What fax?
A $10 million offer from John Ellis.
What do you have to say now?
I don't know what to say.
- Thank you. - Oh, you're welcome.
So it's cool if I call you?
Wait a couple of days.
I'm kidding. Yes, you can call me.
What kind of world am I living in?
Turtle flies first
and has airport farewell scenes with Meadow Soprano.
He has been over there dragging out that goodbye for a while.
Come on, they spent five hours together.
Maybe they struck up a friendship.
Whatever he struck up, she should be sick of it by now.
What are you doing, Drama?
Just taking precautionary measures.
Economy class is a killer
that counts the blood clot as a friend.
And you're gonna prevent one by blowing yourself?
Take it easy, guys. Here comes Turtle.
Yo.
What the fuck were you two talking about?
A lot of stuff. She is very cool.
Really? And she thought you were cool?
I don't know, I guess. You guys ready to roll?
No, no, don't do that. Don't do that, Turtle.
- Don't do what? - See what he's doing?
- Oh, I totally see what he's doing. - What's he doing?
I'm not doing anything.
He's being coy as if he's got a shot.
- Did you get her number? - Home and cell.
Well, maybe he does have a shot.
- Ha ha ha! - I'm with Drama.
Is it that ridiculous?
You fucking a Martian is less ridiculous, put it that way.
- You guys are mean. - Really mean.
Oh, poor little Turtle's sensitive
'cause he can't get a hot famous actress.
99% of the world's average looking citizens
can't get that, Turtle, so don't feel bad.
You're living in a fantasy.
Reality is when he calls her
she tries to lure him away from Vince to be her bitch.
Reality is what happened over the Pacific, you angry old fuck.
Yeah, and what's that?
She jerked me off. Happy?
Liar. Get back here, you liar.
(PHONE RINGING)
- Hello? - E Murph, Josh Weinstein.
Hey, Josh. How you doing?
I'm always doing great, E. You know that.
And while others may no longer believe in Vince...
(COUGHS) Ari Gold. I still do.
- Yeah, well he's still our agent, Josh. - For the moment he is.
But Ari will officially become head studio fascist tomorrow.
Let me show you what I can do for you guys today.
Oh yeah? What can you do?
Frank Darabont.
- Vince a fan? - Who isn't?
Yeah, Shawshank almost makes me wish I did prison time.
Anyway, he's got a new project he's working on.
I got him to sit down with Vince to talk about the lead.
- Really? - Really.
MRS. ARl: 10 million, Ari?
You were hoping for six or seven, tops.
I know, baby. It's crazy. They want me bad.
And I keep sinking my own money into this place.
And for what? A staff whose petty lives
rise and fall with my successes and their failures.
- E's on the phone. - Call him back.
- Says it's urgent. - I said I'll call him back.
- Ari. - Lloyd, I'm on the phone.
I know, I put the call through.
I've been putting your calls through for three years now,
and I haven't interrupted or given you my opinion,
even when I know I can steer your twisted mind into greener pastures.
But I can't keep my mouth shut anymore.
- That's because it's filled with... - Shut it, Ari.
I know you're gonna make some rude, inconsiderate,
nasty comment about my sexual orientation.
And I know you always do that to deflect from your insecurities.
And I've lived with it because I want to learn
and I believed that someday you would promote me.
Lloyd, this is gonna be a good thing for you as well.
If you think working for some conglomerate is gonna fulfill you,
then fine, but please don't think I'd ever make myself a corporate bitch.
And by the way, even if I did,
your little gay quips would not be tolerated
in a publicly-traded company.
People need you here, Ari
I'll leave you with that.
You throw a lot of Jew guilt for a Chinaman.
He's got a point, Ari.
ARl: No homosexual harassment?
No, being your own boss.
That's why you put up with all the stress,
because nobody can tell you what to do.
You always tell me what to do.
So tell me what to do.
I can't decide this for you, Ari.
Like when I was trying to decide whether or not to ask you to marry me,
I'll let the fates decide.
- How? - By flipping a coin.
You flipped a coin to decide whether to marry me or not?
I was joking, baby.
Heads I leave, tails I stay.
Well?
Two out of three.
I feel like we're cheating on Ari.
Well, the guy won't call us back, what are we supposed to do?
Take care of yourself. It's what everyone else in this town does.
Except you, who gets taken care of by Meadow Soprano.
Come on, Johnny, leave him alone already.
No can do, bro. He made a statement and I want it verified.
How you gonna verify it, Drama?
I got a friend, an FBI friend who will come down here
and administer a lie detector test.
I'm not taking a lie detector test.
How about if we get him on that Moment of Truth show?
- Yeah, at least then he'd make a buck. - Not if he keeps lying.
I'm not doing anything to prove anything to you guys, understood?
You guys need anything?
Well, this guy got jerked off by Meadow Soprano,
so he's all good. I'll take an iced tea.
I don't think he believes you either.
We're all right, thanks. Here comes Josh with Frank.
- Wish us luck. - Good luck.
- Frank. - Vince.
- I'm a big fan. - Hey, likewise. A great pleasure.
- Hey, Josh, what's up? - Eric Murphy.
- Let's sit, shall we? - Absolutely.
- Gentlemen. Frank. - Got us a table up here.
Hey, Frank.
Loser.
Vinnie, E Murph.
So how long have you and Josh been working together?
- Oh, we don't work together. - Not yet.
Josh's dad and I are old friends. We go way back.
Anyway, he told me that you guys are good friends.
He suggested we sit down. I said fantastic.
Yeah, absolutely.
So you have a new movie you're getting ready to start?
Yes, yeah. I got this thing called School ofAthens.
It's based on the Renaissance masterpiece by Raphael.
It's in the Vatican palace, blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, the really cool thing is we get to shoot for 14 weeks
in the Greek islands.
- Wow, that sounds amazing. - How nice is that?
So what's the part you had in mind for me?
In this, you mean?
Josh, didn't you tell him what I was thinking here?
Well, I...
Vince, look,
I'm afraid that there's nothing in this particular film for you.
There are no male roles in it under 45.
Oh, I thought Josh said you wanted to talk to me about the lead.
Yes, the lead in a TV series
Frank is exec producing.
And you didn't tell them this?
No, he didn't tell us anything, Frank.
That's 'cause he's a scumbag.
Just like your old man, aren't you, Josh? Good work.
Guys, I'm really sorry.
Your clients keep calling, Ari.
- Can't stall forever. - Tell them I'll call them back.
You've grown cold, Ari Gold.
I've got something that might warm him up.
You cougarlicious little freak.
Just so you know, I'm paying 10 cents on the dollar
for your share of this company.
- Dana Gordon's on one. - Put her through.
Any shot you could pay me in euros?
You are a fucking asshole.
How can I leave such a charming man?
Dana Gordon.
Am I your number two or not, Ari?
You'll always be my number one whore, Dana.
- Oh, thank you. - Just not sure it's gonna be at the studio.
You piece of shit. Look, you know I can do that job.
Just relax. I'm struggling with this decision,
but I think I'm not gonna take the job.
Whoopee!
But don't worry, Dana. I'm sure you'll be able
to grease the balls of the next guy in line and get yourself under him.
There is no next guy.
There's a next girl.
Amanda Daniels. Doesn't she hate you?
That should work out well for you and yours.
- Fuck me. - I'll second that.
I'm so happy, Ari.
You've made me very happy. I hope you're happy too.
- Do I look happy! - What's wrong?
Has so much come been squirted into those eyes
you can't see what's right in front of your face?
Amanda Daniels takes that job, Vince is fucked and I'm fucked.
Which means we're all fucked.
And we're fucked in the way you like to get fucked.
Not fucked in the way that normal people like to get fucked.
So what are you gonna do now?
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Not a word to anyone, Lloyd.
This is not TV, Vince.
Oh, no? What is it?
It's TV with Frank Darabont.
Know what, Josh? Sandbagging us like that was a real dick move.
I thought it would be more impactful if you heard it straight from Frank.
What the hell's so wrong with doing TV?
Nothing for David Hasselhoff or for you.
But for Vince, doing TV is ridiculous.
Yeah, but you doing Jamie-Lynn Sigler isn't?
- Oh, here we go. - You did Jamie-Lynn Sigler?
- Yeah, you believe it? - Not really.
Nobody does.
It's been a pleasure as always, Josh.
Wait a minute. Just hold on a second.
At least read the script.
It's Frank Darabont. He's a genius.
Vince, there's lots and lots of money in TV.
I don't want to get stuck playing the same character for the next five years.
- I want to do movies. - He's still a movie star, you know?
Lots of movie stars do TV. George Clooney did ER, for Christ sakes.
That was before he was George Clooney.
No one goes backwards 'cause you don't get back to movies.
You didn't see Leo in the Growing Pains reunion.
Well, maybe it's time for you to think about that part of your life being over.
Maybe you're not gonna be a movie star anymore.
Look, guys, I'm sorry.
I'm just telling you what nobody else in this town has the balls to.
Why don't you walk away, Josh? Walk away.
All right, man. Take it easy.
My car is over there.
No, no, Mr. Gold. No.
It's okay.
Five minutes, Ari. Not a second more.
No need to be snippy, Amanda. I'm here for you, not me.
- Really? - Well, I'm here for us, really.
- I'd rather suck a rabid dog's dick. - Clever, but seriously.
Seriously, Ari, what about us would you like to talk about?
I'd like to bury the hatchet.
The animosity between the two of us has run its course.
Apology accepted. What else?
All business, it's admirable how you do it.
That's why I'm putting all my support behind you for the studio head job.
I don't need your support.
That may be true, but you're gonna need me to bow out of the race.
Ari, I have never needed
and will never need anything from you.
Amanda, it's very simple. You want this job,
I want Vince in Smokejumpers.
I don't think he's good enough.
- You did represent him at one point. - Yeah, and now I don't.
Bitterness is not very becoming.
Neither is groveling, and I'm not bitter.
But I'm not making deals with you.
Then unfortunately I'm gonna have to stand in your way.
If you wanted this job you would have taken it.
But we both know you won't because you'll miss your little clients too much.
And we both know that you've already fucked all of yours.
So maybe you could move on to bigger and better.
Look, you're gonna have to find another way to bring
your once-upon-a-time-movie-star client back from the dead.
- Not bitter, huh? - Fuck you, Ari.
You can kiss your relationship with that studio goodbye.
No, no, you can kiss your motherfucking dream job goodbye.
'Cause you're right, I didn't want this job.
But now I'm gonna take it just to spite you.
Lloyd. Yeah, call John Ellis.
Tell him I'm gonna close this motherfucking deal.
Let's not let Josh Weinstein get us upset.
He didn't get me upset. Frank Darabont did.
An Academy Award nominee thinks I should do TV.
He didn't say he thinks you should do TV.
He said you'd be great for his TV show
if he can get you, which he can't.
- That's a good point. - Thanks, E.
I just wish I knew what Ari was doing. If he takes the job, what?
We got to work with a guy like Josh Weinstein?
If Ari takes the studio job you got Smokejumpers.
And once you kill it in that, you'll be back and bigger than ever.
That's another good point, Turtle.
Yeah, thanks again. I feel extra smart today.
Yeah, well, maybe that's 'cause you unloaded a ton of bullshit earlier.
But there is a problem with the thought.
What's that?
What if Ari doesn't give you the gig?
- You think he wouldn't? - He's an agent.
Nothing would surprise me.
And when he goes from seller to buyer,
he's gonna start analyzing all sorts of new angles.
You're really making us all feel good today, huh?
Just keeping it real.
- Sorry, bro. - Call Ari.
I already left him like five messages.
We'll have to ambush him then.
- Ari. - John.
So you ready to become part of all this?
Oh, I'm ready.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
You look awful, Lloyd.
I feel awful, E.
- VINCE: So it's official? - He's signing the papers now.
I'm sorry, Vince. I'm supposed to exude confidence to clients,
but I just can't. All I can do is shake and cry.
How about if I tell you something funny
- to cheer you up, Lloyd? - You can try.
Turtle got jerked off by Jamie-Lynn Sigler on the plane today.
(LAUGHS) Get the fuck out of here.
- Made you laugh. - ARl: Boys!
This is a surprise.
I guess this is congrats.
- Wow, you sold me out. - Oh, go ahead and be mad.
But I've grown four new ulcers keeping your secret.
Come on in, guys.
Ahem.
I apologize for the disappearance.
It's been a tough day of soul-searching for me though.
Been a tough day for Vince too. He got offered a TV show today.
Offered TV by who? Not by my people.
Frank Darabont. Josh Weinstein set it up.
Weinstein? Why are you guys talking to Weinstein?
He called. We couldn't find you so we took the meeting.
Wow, you guys really are melting down.
Yeah, maybe we are. So just tell us, as studio head,
are you gonna put me in Smokejumpers or not?
Did you ever think there was a possibility that I wouldn't?
I just want to get my life back on track.
I know that, Vinnie. But I didn't take the job.
- Double whoopee! - (LAUGHS) He's happy.
- You didn't take it? - No, I'm still your agent.
Are you guys happy or is the movie more important to you than me?
Of course we're happy. But what now?
- We're gonna be all right. - How?
- Things are coming. - What things?
Dana Gordon on one.
Put her through.
Dana Gordon!
Ari, I love you.
And I swear, I'll rub your cock like it's 1990.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dana. You're on speaker. I got Vince and E here.
- Jesus Christ. - BOTH: Hi, Dana.
We all wanted to be in the room to celebrate together.
Celebrate what?
Boys, you are talking to the new head of the studio.
Madam President, what's your first order of business?
Smokejumpers, Vince. You're in.
- You're kidding me. - And she's gonna pay you your quote.
- It's the second lead. - You're gonna pay him his quote
or Vincent Chase is going to announce on TMZ
that the new head of the studio calls agencies and offers up handjobs.
All right, enough, Ari.
Vince, I will take good care of you.
- Thank you! - Thank you, Dana.
- I love you, Dana. - I love you too, Ari. For real this time.
- I'll call you later about that tug. - Goodbye.
- How the hell? - What happened?
I pulled off the old bait and switch.
They wanted your old friend Amanda,
and I gave them my old friend Dana.
Everybody wins. Boom!
Wow. That's impressive, Ari.
This is really big for you, Vinnie. Really big.
I want you to kill this movie.
- I'll do my best. - I know you will.
- (LAUGHS) - All right!
- Can I come? - Of course you can.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, to things being back on track.
- I hear that. - Hear, hear.
You know, Ari, now that things are back on track,
can we talk about my promotion?
You know what, Lloyd? I want to learn Chinese first
so I can give it to you in your native tongue.
- Ari. - Listen, we're here to celebrate Vince.
All right? Please, Lloyd.
Hey, cheers.
- I don't believe it. - What?
Your girlfriend is here.
Don't embarrass me.
How does he know Jamie?
Oh, he claims she jerked him on the plane today.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm sure she's got a fetish
for guys who are built like a South Park character.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Jamie. What's going...
That's for running around town telling everyone
I jerked you off, you fat little fuck.
Thanks a lot, Drama.
Jamie-Lynn, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I'm sorry.
Turtle didn't do anything. It was me.
I was busting his chops today about you
and I shot my mouth off in a restaurant.
Well, he obviously told you.
No, I made it up.
Turtle didn't do anything. He's totally innocent.
That's nice of you to try and cover for your friend.
But the fact is I jerked him off and he told you.
I actually liked him and would have fucked him too
if he would have kept his mouth shut.
What happened?
Turtle, I am so sorry, man.
She actually liked you.
- Really? - No way.
- Sorry, Turtle. - Sorry, Turtle.
Well, at least order has been restored.
Everything's back to normal.
Baby bro is a movie star,
Ari is his agent
and Turtle is once again pussyless.
Glasses up.
Did she really say she liked me?
Oh, yeah. She would have fucked you too.
At least you got a nice jerk, huh?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)