(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Murphy. This is Amy Miller's office.
I have Charlie Williams on the line.
- Can you please hold for Amy? - Sure, what's up, Charlie?
- (BREATHING HARD) Yo, E, what's up? - What, are you working out?
No, man, no, no, no. Just was up all night.
Didn't get no sleep. A little nervous.
Nothing to be nervous about. Your script is great.
- (WOMAN MOANING) - Charlie: Oh yeah.
- Jesus, Charlie. - (CHUCKLES)
- Gentlemen. - ERIC: Hey, Amy.
Hey, Amy. What's up?
I loved your script is what's up.
- Are you serious? - That's phenomenal.
Cool. When do we shoot?
Okay, slow down. We need to cast the other roles first.
- CHARLIE: All right, we can do that. - You got anybody in mind?
I do for the owner of the surf shop.
And, Eric, I hope you don't mind that I already spoke with him about it.
- Who? - Seth Green.
- Seth Green? - Shit, I love Seth Green.
Great, we have an overall with him,
so we just think it would be a perfect fit.
- He could be. What you think, E? - Uh-huh.
AMY: Eric, he said you guys were really good friends
and that you should just call him to lock it down.
CHARLIE: Yeah, E, I think you should do that.
You should definitely lock it down.
Lock it down.
Fuck Seth Green.
I still got a piece of his friend's tooth lodged in my knuckles.
Seth Green is a punk.
Yeah, a punk that Charlie and the studio want to do the show with.
So I got to be professional and put the shit aside.
Hear hear, no more wasting energy on gripes and grudges.
- How you feeling? - Rejuvenated.
Did you sleep on that Tempur-Pedic pillow I put on your bed?
I sure did, Johnny. Thank you.
Oh, they dropped off your sides this morning.
Thank you, Turtle.
So E's got to kiss Seth Green's ass
and we don't get to take down the douche director.
Sorry to ruin the dream, Drama.
- I don't believe it. - What's wrong?
He give away more of your lines?
No, he just cut out most of them.
Cocksucking Nazi bastard.
Jesus Christ! Is it too much to ask
for a goddamn egg in the house?
- What's your problem? - What's your problem?
(LAUGHS) Be more immature.
If a man can't have breakfast cooked for him,
is it too much to expect a trip to the store so he can cook it for himself?
Mom cooks us breakfast every morning. You're always at work.
Let me get this straight.
All women defend each other blindly?
- Daddy! - There he is.
Finally a man who can understand me. (LAUGHS)
SARAH: Hey, Jonah, you hungry?
Mm-hmm.
Ah, how about...
some eggs?
Yes, please.
You want to tell me what's really bothering you?
You would not understand.
You are a delightful, unspoiled little girl.
I'm 15 and obviously more adult than you.
So what's your problem?
Okay, little Miss Adult.
My problem is that I can't run my business the way I want to.
Not with that woman as my partner.
Your mother controls me at home, she controls me at work.
Where can a man be a man?
A man can be a man
when he stops whining and asks for things nicely.
- I asked her. - You asked her or you told her?
You need to convince a woman.
Listen, Andrew Klein is a good agent with good clients.
Barbara shouldn't need convincing.
So explain that to her. Nicely.
Really? You think that'll work?
You pretended you were nice and you got Mom.
Oh, is that what she told you? Huh?
Mom said she fixed you.
Ha, ha, ha, little man. Girls have cooties.
Nuh-uh. Mia doesn't have cooties. I like her.
No, she has cooties. She has cooties. Come here.
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh oh, it's him. It's him.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hello?
Hello, is Seth in?
- Who's calling - It's Eric Murphy.
Oh, is your pussy wet, Eric Murphy?
Come on, Seth.
Tell me, Eric Murphy, do you have a wet pussy?
Well?
No, Seth, I don't have a wet pussy.
My God.
Well, that's too bad, because
who's gonna want to fuck your dry pussy?
(ALL LAUGHING)
That's hysterical, Seth. You want to talk about this pilot or not?
I do, E, because I really like it, man.
But I got to ask, do you really feel like we can work together
after everything that we've been through?
Yeah, I can put personal shit aside for business. Can you?
I don't know. I don't know. I'd really feel more comfortable
if we could just meet face to face and discuss it.
I'm up in Big Bear.
How about 1:00 P.M. Village Pizza on Larchmont?
I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it, Seth.
You should make it there if you want me to do your pilot, E.
Later, E!
That sounded like it went well.
He wants me to drive into the city and meet him today.
- That's okay. Go. - You sure?
Yeah, I can handle Herr Director.
There he is.
Should I gun it and run him over?
- (ERIC LAUGHS) - Or should we take the slow
and painful approach and piss in his OJ?
VINCE: It's cool, guys. I got this.
Yo, E, why don't you go get us a TV show
just in case I don't have a career as a silent film star?
All right, I'll talk to you guys later.
Call me if you need reinforcements.
I can be down there in two and a half hours.
- Thanks, Drama. - Morning, Vincent.
- What a wonderful day. - Not really.
No?
I'm sorry to hear that. Can I help you?
- I'd like to talk to you. - Of course.
What's troubling you?
Well, I'm not exactly happy
with the way things are starting off.
Ah, don't you think it's just the insecurities of an artist?
I have those days myself.
No, I'm speaking more to the fact that you gave away
all my lines and let me believe that they'd been stolen.
Not exactly a good first day.
I think it was a good day.
It was an excellent day except for the little misunderstanding.
Is that why you took all my lines away today?
(CHUCKLES)
Vincent, I don't understand
why everything has to be so personal.
- Really, you don't? - No.
The captain is the leader
and I needed those lines for the leader.
Well, you should have just told me.
Yes, I know I should have told you. I'm sorry, I forgot.
Are we okay? Good?
Well, what about today's lines?
Well, they're gone but your character is in.
Verner, without that big monologue from yesterday
my character has no redemption.
And without the lines from this morning's scene
he's got no point of view either.
I love your passion. I can see that you care.
You're an inspiration.
That's great, but I'd like to do the scene
as it was originally intended, as it's supposed to be.
(LAUGHS)
Actors and their words.
I understand. You'll have your words.
You'll do the scene as written?
Yes, I'll do it as written so we have that.
Then we do it the other way so we have that too.
Okay? (SHOUTS)
Any word from the Wicked Witch of the East Wing?
Shh! She's in your office.
She came over to thank you personally for your lovely flowers.
Good work, Lloyd.
- And Andrew Klein called twice. - What did he want?
He wants to know if you know any good moving companies.
Good morning, Barbara.
Thank you for the flowers, Ari.
Was that your idea or Lloyd's?
My partner has been named the 33rd most powerful woman in Hollywood
and you think I wouldn't care enough to send flowers?
- I'm hurt. - Just checking.
What time is the luncheon, by the way? I'd love to show up.
No men allowed.
So it's more of a rugmuncheon than a luncheon?
Okay, this has been a nice morning so far,
but I'm gonna leave before it takes a bad turn.
It's not gonna take a bad turn, Babs.
I just want to apologize for putting you on the spot last night.
I don't get put on the spot, but apology accepted.
That's very kind of you. Would you please,
as a favor to me, consider meeting Andrew and giving him a chance?
- Please. - Please?
Yes, sincerely, Barbara. Please.
Okay, I'll meet the schnook.
With an open mind, please.
Yes, with an open mind.
But I'm not making any promises.
Okay, your consideration is all I can ask for.
Have a good day, Ari.
You too. And congrats again, Babs.
You nasty twat.
(MOCKINGLY) "I can't make any promises."
"I can't make any..." Lloyd!
Call Andrew. Tell him to clear his schedule.
We got a meeting with Barbara. We have three hours
to make him look like an agent from this side of the hill.
Oh, "Extreme Makeover" Miller Gold edition.
I'm so excited!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hey, Seth. I'm here.
- Well, that is hilarious. - Oh yeah? Why's that?
Because this morning you were in the mountains and I was in L.A.
And now you're in L.A. And I'm on the beach.
Oh yeah, that is funny, Seth.
No, it's not funny. It's hilarious.
Eric, if you just had a sense of humor, you would get that.
Okay. Well, it's been great catching up with you.
Oh, so cold. So cold, E.
Listen, man, I really want to do your guy's show.
I really think it's a hit. I just...
Dude, I don't want to work with a guy that sucker punched me.
I didn't sucker punch you, Seth.
We were face to face and you were saying some not-so-nice things.
You're still sensitive about your girl Sloan?
Sloan's not my girl anymore.
Really? That's too bad.
- Yeah, well... - You know what, Eric?
You should call Sloan and you should tell her
to call me and ask me to do your show.
Oh, yeah, right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do, Seth.
Well, you should do that. That's what you will do
if you want me to do your pilot. Click.
Watch how high I can go.
Oh, that's great, Drama.
I bet you can't do it.
I don't want to do it.
Pussy.
- Fine, how much? - 50 bucks.
Give me one of these nuts.
That's how it's done. You owe me 50.
Who are you people with?
- We're with Vince. - Verner, I'm Vince's brother.
- Maybe you recognize me from... - (TURTLE CHUCKLES)
- Okay, you guys got to go. - Go where?
- Anywhere, but not near the monitors. - You serious, bro?
Yeah, go. Come on, you too. Let's go.
- Now. - MAN: Come on, guys, here we go.
Quiet, please. Picture is up.
- Roll camera. - Rolling!
VERNER: Give me some passion here now.
And action.
I have $50 for whoever goes first.
I'll give you 200 if it's you.
You think I won't?
I think you've never seen something like this
and you'll piss your pants before your feet hit the skids.
- What's your problem? - What's up with you?
This is serious, you make bets and jokes.
You've never seen a fire like this. None of us have.
My father did and he's fine.
If they want to laugh, let 'em. You'll be fine.
I'll give you 300 bucks if you can guarantee that.
I'll go first.
Cut!
Thank you. Excellent.
Now let's do the shorter version.
We didn't get through this one.
- I saw enough. - One partial take?
Vincent, I gave it a try.
Give me another one. The whole scene.
Roll again.
Going again.
- Roll sound! - Rolling!
And action.
MAN 1: I have $50 for whoever goes first.
MAN 2: I'll give you 200 if it's you.
You don't think I will?
- Stop freaking out. - I just don't understand this.
Is Barbara Miller some kind of a fashion guru?
Not if you ask me, she isn't. When I think of Barbara Miller
the first thing I think of is way too much skin.
You just want to make a good first impression.
That bitch knows me for 20 years. Does she claim she doesn't know me?
- No, she knows you. - Then this is not a first impression.
No, it's a first working for her impression.
Am I working for her or am I working for you?
You're working for you. Her name just happens to appear on your check also.
- Where are we going? - Right here.
- Ta-da! - This should be cheap.
Listen, it's on me. It's a welcoming gift.
- Eric. - Jesus.
Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
What are you doing here?
I just came by to talk to you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
I mean, is this okay? I could come back.
Or call. I mean, I probably should have called.
- No, it's fine. Come in. - Okay.
Wow, the place looks amazing.
Thanks. I've been redecorating.
I think maybe you're done.
Oh, sadly I'll never be done.
- You want a drink? - I'm okay.
- Are you? - Yeah. Yeah.
So what's up?
Okay, this is... Wait, are we alone?
- Is my boyfriend here? - Yeah.
- He works. - Okay.
- And we broke up. - Really?
- Mm-hmm. - When?
A couple months ago.
That's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, well, anyway...
Actually, can I have that water?
Yeah, of course.
So what did you want to talk about?
Okay, this is so stupid.
Look, you're here and you've got me curious.
- So... - Okay.
I'm trying to get a TV pilot greenlit
and the studio really really wants Seth Green.
And he says the only way he'll be in it
is if you call him and ask him to be.
(LAUGHS)
Is this a joke?
Probably, but it's all I got.
Eric, you can't seriously be here
because you want me to call Seth Green.
I told you it was stupid. But the guy's got a thing for you.
I think he's got a thing for you
and you keep falling for it.
Yeah, I know. No, you're right.
Well, you can tell me now, though. Did you guys ever...
Are you kidding? Really?
- You didn't believe me? - No, I did. I do.
I mean...
Look, I appreciate the time.
And the water. Thanks.
Do you want me to call Seth Green?
No no. Not at all. It's just...
I hadn't seen you in a while and thought it was a good excuse.
- Not a good one. - Well, an excuse.
You don't have a girlfriend?
Actually...
I have a fiancée. Getting married in June.
I'm only kidding.
I just wanted to see if you still cared.
- Can you tell if I do? - I don't know.
I probably should have let it sit there for a little while longer.
- Anyway, I've got to... - Yeah, anyway.
I've got to get back to Big Bear.
- Vince is waiting for me. - As always.
Yeah, well, we'll be back soon. Maybe I'll call you.
Maybe I'll answer.
Okay, bye.
Thanks for the...
I'll see you.
Yo, Vin. Great job.
- You killed it. - Moving shit, bro.
You guys didn't watch either.
It's not our fault.
Seems Vermin's a little possessive of video village.
- Why, what happened? - He threw us out like dogs.
Here he comes.
- Vincent. - Yes, sir?
You're not happy with me.
You walked off in the middle of my take.
That take was for you. It wasn't for me.
Maybe it would have been for you if you watched it.
Can we talk alone, please?
Vincent, today I wanted your body
to feel the part
and not be distracted by the words.
But you wouldn't trust me. You won't trust me.
- I'm trying. - No.
You're trying to decide what is good
for Vincent Chase the actor,
not what is good for my film.
I thought it was our film.
No, it's not our film.
Filmmaking is collaboration but it's not democracy.
You're on this film maybe eight weeks.
Then you fly off to something.
I work on this film for maybe two years.
It's got to be my film, my decisions.
If you trust me I will get from you the performance
that enhances my film the most.
And thus enhances your performance the most.
But you have to trust me. You can't work against me.
I understand. I'll try.
I'll do my best. Whatever you say.
Okay.
That's good, Vincent.
Why don't you go and change and meet me at the screening trailer?
I'll show you some dailies.
I'll teach you a few things that will be good for us.
- Okay. - Okay.
- Why's everybody looking at me? - 'Cause you look good.
I feel like a douche.
Andrew, my voice must be heard. You do not look like a douche.
You look like a powerful, handsome new Miller Gold partner.
You stick with me, Andrew,
and that won't be the last offer you have for a blowjob today.
You guys are late.
I didn't know we had a formal time set.
Wow, Babs, that color really makes your eyes pop.
So how have you been, Andrew?
Oh, I've been... I've been good.
I've been really good.
- Is it hot in here? - No.
I don't think so.
I've gone over your company's numbers
and it's pretty impressive what you've done.
Very impressive. From the Valley.
Can you imagine what this guy does
with a 90210 zip on his business card?
Well, some people are big stars in the minors
and can't swing the bat when they get called up.
I wouldn't consider what I've been doing the minors, Barbara.
Nor would I.
Well, you represent, it seems,
every working staff writer in town.
- How did you sign them? - Barbara.
Okay, let me rephrase.
How do you feel you could tailor your successful approach
to signing staff writers to signing say...
Julia Roberts?
It's hot in here.
Pretend I'm Julia Roberts, Andrew.
Tell me what you'd say to impress me.
What? What do you mean?
What do you mean what do I mean?
Pitch me.
(EXHALES)
Wow, Julia, it's amazing how much
you look like Eric Roberts.
(LAUGHING)
Do you mind if I just step out for a moment?
- Andrew. - I just need a fucking breath.
Listen, you can use my office.
- Ari. - He just needs a fucking breath.
- I need a moment. - Lloyd, take him to my office.
- Are you joking with this? - Are you?
- He's having a panic attack. - Not he's not, and you're being mean.
Not since my second husband have I seen such a loser.
- The answer is no. - Barbara!
Ari, I don't think he's okay.
- I'll be back. - I'll be gone.
You wait for me, Barbara!
Oh my God, Andrew. Andrew.
I haven't had a fucking panic attack since 1993.
Just breathe.
I thought this was a done deal, not an interview.
Listen, everything's gonna be fine.
My wife is already looking for houses in Beverly Hills.
My clients all think they're repped by Miller Gold now.
Oh my God. I can't go home.
Yes you can. Right after you pick out a new fucking office.
All right? I'll be right back.
Barbara! Barbara!
I'm sorry, Mr. Gold. Ms. Miller left for her big luncheon.
What's the fucking address?
Why you hating on Seth Green for, huh?
I just don't believe he wants to do it.
- I feel like he's fucking with me. - Why would he do that?
- We have issues. - Well, fix them.
'Cause I think the dude is funny, all right?
And according to you, if we get Seth Green
the network will make the show.
I need this bad. You feel me?
I do. (PHONE BEEPS)
Hold on a second, Charlie.
- Hello? - Eric, it's Amy.
Just got off the phone with Seth Green.
Sounds like you guys had a terrific call.
Uh...
He wants to sit down with me you and Charlie today.
Uh...
Can you make it in here by 4:00?
(HORNS HONKING)
Yeah, sure.
Great. See you here.
Charlie, 4:00 PM at the studio.
Me, you, Amy and Seth Green.
- Are you for real? - I sure am. I'll see you there.
Yo, fuck you crew neck wearing motherfuckers.
I just got my own TV show.
- What's your problem? - What's up with you?
Do you see what I'm talking about?
No, I don't really see it.
Look there now.
You see your head? It's leaning to the side.
You look like a dog. A dog trying to understand
what it's master is saying.
Really?
Seems like a whole generation of actors have taken to this
George Clooney head-tilt acting.
Verner, I really don't see a head tilt.
Shall I get a protractor? It's there.
Vincent, you've developed some bad habits.
We have to get rid of them.
Okay. I mean, what other bad habits are you seeing?
You have a lip quiver.
See there?
Every time you pause I see your lip quiver.
And then I think, "Why is the character's lip quivering?"
Then I think, "It's not the character's lip quivering.
"It's Vincent's lip quivering."
- The lip is quivering. - I don't see it.
But I see it.
Tomorrow when you're in front of my camera
I want you to feel it and I want you to get rid of it.
It's an important scene. We have to make it work.
It could be an Oscar scene, Vincent.
But you have to follow me.
Sir, you can't go in there.
I'm the guest motivational speaker.
BARBARA: The women in this room. So thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
- What the hell? - I wanted to congratulate you in person.
- Ari, Ari. - Attention, everyone.
- I'd like to make a toast, ladies. - Ari.
To Barbara Miller, number 33 on your prestigious list.
And you know what? It's actually amazing to me
that at her advanced aged this is the first time she's made the list.
She probably thought this is never gonna happen.
But this little lady is sharp.
She went out and she found herself a man to partner up with
and look what she was able to accomplish.
Ari, you're making an ass of yourself.
It's gonna be interesting though,
once she's lost that man
to see how she's going to claw her way
back into this banquet room.
But anyway, cheers to you, Babs,
and to all of you out there who have saddled up next to powerful men
just so that you can stand in our way.
But remember this,
although you can stand in our way,
you will never keep us down.
Thank you.
Do you honestly think this is the way to get what you want?
No, I'm not trying to get what I want. I'm taking.
- Oh really? How? - Yeah.
I'm gonna split the agency down the middle.
Civil war, Babs. Arm your troops.
- All over Andrew Klein? - No, all over your lack of respect.
And you think that behaving like a spoiled five-year-old is the way to earn it?
I don't give a fuck. Kiss my ass.
Been nice knowing you.
Fine, hire your buddy.
But it's on your column when he turns out to be a complete zero.
- Fine. - I want an apology.
Fine.
Now.
Ladies, I'm sorry.
I would love to congratulate each and every one of you,
but unfortunately Barbara's cock is all I can handle.
Congrats again.
(ALL MURMURING)
What up, E?
What up, Seth?
So, um, how do you guys know each other anyway?
- We used to date the same girl. - No we didn't.
- I didn't know you had a girl, E. - I don't.
- It was a long time ago. - You still talk to her.
No, not in a while.
You talked to her today.
What up, E?
- How do you know I spoke to her? - 'Cause I spoke to her.
- Oh, you spoke to her? - Yeah.
Didn't you tell her to speak to me?
- Isn't that how we ended up here? - CHARLIE: Wait, hold on.
You guys got to cut the tension before we go in there.
No no, there's no tension, Charlie.
It's just two tough white guys
being true to their primal nature.
I can't believe she called you.
She did. And then she came over.
- Don't push me, Seth. - And if I do?
We've been down that road before, haven't we?
Yes, we have. And that road ends with you sucker punching me.
Damn, E. You sucker punched the man?
Does it look like I need to sucker punch this kid?
I'll take him out in the parking lot right now and throw him a beating.
- Whoo. - But that's what he wants.
And I'm not gonna let him get to me.
I've already gotten you to, Eric,
and your impossibly hot girlfriend multiple times.
And your show is next.
Hold on. What you mean by that, Seth?
Charlie, what if I told you
that I won't do your show unless you get rid of Eric?
I'd say E's my boy and he ain't going nowhere.
Maybe you are. Maybe I'll just tell Amy
that I really want to do this show
but I'd much rather do it with my close personal friend
international sensation Nick Cannon.
- You son of a bitch. - Guys, enough. Enough, enough, enough.
- Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, get off him. - It's my show, motherfucker!
- Motherfucker! - Why, will you hit me?
- You got to be professional. - Shut up!
(GRUNTS)
Whoo!
You've played this game before.
Nope. It's my natural athletic talent.
I'd like to see you maneuver your lazy ass on a real court.
Oh yeah?
(GROANS) How do you do that? How do you hit it so hard?
I don't know. You just hit it hard. Time it.
TELEVISION: Match point.
(GRUNTS)
You're a cheater. What buttons?
Oh, it's not a button. It's skill.
- And you, sir, have none. - You little shit.
- Oof! - What button is it?
Hey, what's up? You guys get sick ofjerking each other off?
You're crazy, Drama.
Yeah, you name the sport, I'll bust you up.
A real sport, not this.
So you got a TV show or what, E?
We're gonna continue to look for cast. How'd it go here?
- It's been weird today. - Yeah.
- How so? - VINCE: Yo, yo!
20 minutes, it hasn't moved.
- What's up? - What's up?
You tell me.
Just trying to keep my head straight. Good day?
- I've seen better. - Yeah, me too.
But you know what? Tomorrow's a new sunrise.
Big scene in the morning. Got to kill it.
Need to rest.
(EXHALES)
Told you it's been a weird day.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)