(theme music playing)
Just explain this to me: Ugly guy walks into a bar,
and hotass Katherine Heigl wants to party with him?
- She was drunk! - She wasn't drunk yet, that's my point.
She was sober and she drinks with him
and then she goes home with him even though when she was sober
she could plainly see how ugly he was.
Jamie was sober when she met you, wasn't she?
- I'm cute, Drama. Ask anybody. - Turtle, funny guys get girls
and she went home with him 'cause Seth Rogen's funny.
He hadn't said anything yet to show he was funny.
He's so ugly she knew he had to be funny.
- How would she know that? - Because he was starring in the movie.
If he wasn't funny, there's no way someone that ugly could star in a movie.
You know, in some alternate universe that actually makes sense.
- Not to me it doesn't. - Why do you keep watching this movie
- if it bugs you so much? - His ugliness is oddly fascinating...
especially in Blu-ray. It pisses me off.
It pisses you off? I'm the one who's so good-looking
- I couldn't even get an audition. - Where do you want this?
- You can put it anywhere. - Hey, Sloan.
Wow, nice to have friends with flexible jobs, huh?
- AIl: Hey. - Hey, Sloan, would you bang Seth Rogen?
- Jesus. - I think he's funny,
but I don't think I could go through with it.
- I told ya! - What about Turtle?
- Eric: Guys! - You think he's cute?
- Turtle, I think you're very cute. - What?!
- Thank you, Sloan. - You're welcome!
All right, two sets of keys, alarm code and garage opener.
- Great. - And Amy left this for you.
- A love note? - Feels like a photo.
- Ayup. - How do you find these friends?
I swear Vince brings it out in people.
- Tell her this was very thoughtful. - Very.
- Do you need a hand there? - Nope.
- (phone ringing) - Will you get that?
Yeah.
Ahem. (sexy voice) Hello, Eric Murphy's phone.
Hello? Hello?
- What happened? - They hung up.
Oh, probably a wrong number.
Orjust maybe one of your randoms.
(laughs) I gotta go back to work.
Both: See you later.
Hey, Vince, good luck with the premiere tonight.
- Thank you. - Not that you need it.
- I heard the reviews have been amazing. - So far so good.
Hey, Sloan, you want to come tonight?
- Turtle: Jeez, give less notice. - Drama: Seriously, E.
- Was I talking to you idiots? - Walk with me.
Mind your business.
- Vince: Guys! - E: So what's up? You don't want to go?
I just don't think we should be going on dates.
Don't think of it as a date. It'd be nice just to have you there.
- So we'll go as friends? - Yeah, we can go as buddies.
All right, I just bought a new dress. I had nowhere to wear it.
(exhales) I'll see you there, buddy.
- Lloyd? - Yes, Andrew?
- Are you okay? - I've eaten nothing
but one grape an hour for the last two days.
I will be a stealth and sleek agent in no time.
- How's the weight loss coming? - I've lost 16oz.
- Hang in there. - Mr. Klein.
- What's the good word? - You're gonna kill Lloyd
- and I have a proposition for you. - A wife swap tonight.
- How's the missus looking these days? - She's okay
but I'm talking about Lizzie Grant.
The junior agent with the great ass.
- She offering it up? - No, but she has
two big UTA show runners who are looking for a new agency.
Andrew, you're TV. I'm everything else.
Just sit down so they know they have the support
of the guy with the "S" on his chest.
- Five minutes, okay? - Done.
Let's talk about more important things... are you pumped for tonight?
This is not the new "90210" premiere. This is Scorsese.
I am pumped indeed! Oh, a little heads-up,
the wife's probably not going to come.
What? Why not? This is a couple's thing. My wife is very excited.
- As was I. - What's really going on with you?
- What if your wife doesn't like Marlo? - Of course she will!
No, Marlo's a little intimidated by this side of the hill.
She's still a Valley girl at heart.
Andrew, my man, lighten up.
My wife will love her, trust me.
And when we're together after this, we don't have to speak to them,
and we get to keep all our money.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay, all right, I'll talk to her.
- Drama: You're just dumb dumb dumb. - Would you leave me alone?
The second you heard the "F" word come out of her mouth
- you should have told her to take a hike. - I want her there.
- As your friend? - Yes.
- Bullshit. - I'm with these guys.
- Why are you torturing yourself? - I'm not torturing myself.
I like being friends with her and I like being single.
Tonight you won't. Not now that you've got
a non-fucking friend on your arm.
- At least I've got someone on my arm. - Please, the day's still young.
Chase! Get one shot over here?
Hey, boys, good to see you.
- I will grab your suits. - Thanks, Kelly.
Looking good, Kel, looking real good!
- (E laughs) - What?
- You're creepy. - Are you kidding? She loves me.
You should have seen her eyes bulge when the tailor was measuring my inseam.
- Why don't you invite her? - Maybe.
Her or your hand... tough decision.
The tough part is I love being solo at premieres.
E, ditch the buddy. We'll scour for pussy together,
bring 'em back to your place.
Drama, I moved into this house so you and I
never have to bring girls back to the same place again.
- Your loss. - Turtle: Who would've thought
I'd be the only one guaranteed to have sex tonight?
I mean, already planned and with a name attached.
- I'm taking Sara. - Turtle: Oh, from Saturday?
Uh, no, sorry, Lisa from Friday.
- Since when? - Since just now.
I guess you really are the seventh wheel, Drama.
No, forget that.
Hey, Kelly, you want to go to my baby brother's premiere tonight?
- Scorsese's "Gatsby." - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, okay. - Great.
- All right.
All right.
She loves me.
I'd better get some rubbers.
Seriously, Ari, why are you pushing me to have a date with this woman?
It's not a date. It's a mani-pedi.
I planned a very lovely welcome-to-the-agency dinner for them
when you hired Andrew and she canceled.
Twice. Maybe Mrs. Klein doesn't want to be friends with me.
Andrew thinks that she's intimidated by you.
- Why would she be? - Because she's very insecure.
And, honey, look at you. I mean, you make confident people insecure.
- That is so sad. - I know it's sad,
but have pity on the poor woman.
- Why is this so important to you? - Because...
Andrew is on his way to becoming one of my biggest earners and I like him.
Wouldn't you like to have a nice couple we can hang with?
We hang with plenty of nice couples.
We hang with plenty of your friends and their husbands.
- You don't like them? - I hate them.
- Maybe you're the problem, Ari. - Why do I have to fight with you on this?
Having a couple I enjoy will benefit both you and me.
- Really? How so? - Imagine I could spend
the proper amount of time with you
in the most focused and best mood possible
without us pretending we have so much to say to each other.
- All right, fine. - Fine you'll do it?
- You'll call her? - Yes, I will call her.
That's so great, baby. I gotta go back to work.
- You need some cash? - I am not a hooker.
Oh, but what a good one you would be.
I love you.
Fun lunch, darling.
- You have less to eat. - E: I just moved in.
- (toilet flushes) - I've been with you tools all day long.
Us tools will be out of your way now that my work here is done.
- Did you really need to use my bathroom? - I really did.
- I haven't even used it yet. - Don't be such a priss.
- Hello! - Turtle: Whoa, I like your neighbors.
- Hey, Ashley. - Drama: That's no neighbor.
That's that girl from that party on Beechwood last week...
blue dress, 34B rack.
- How do you know that? - Good eyes.
- Don't stare, Johnny. - E: So what's happening?
I told you I was bringing you a housewarming gift.
That's right... 3:00.
- Oh, I can come back. - Oh no no no.
Oh, okay. Hi guys.
- Hi there. - Hello.
Guys, this is Ashley.
All: Hi.
Um, so here. It's just a plant.
Oh, that's... that's great. Thanks.
Well, you obviously have your friends here,
- so I'll get out of your way. - No no, please, hang out.
No, I gotta get back to work anyway, really.
But, listen, any chance that you came across that bracelet
while you were unpacking?
You know what? I looked for it, I couldn't find it.
- I'm sorry. - Damn.
Will you guys please look at your house? It's really important to me.
- We will search high and low. - Thanks.
Um, so, Eric, do you have plans tonight?
Uh, yeah, it's actually Vince's big premiere tonight.
Oh, right right! That should be great.
- It should be. - Yeah.
- (clears throat) - Okay...
Well, look, you know, I'll call you.
I'll call you later and if your bracelet turns up,
- I'll let you know, okay? - Oh, okay.
Okay, well, bye.
- Okay. - See you later.
- See you. - Ahem.
- Bye. - Bye-bye!
- See you. - Bye.
God, E, are you awkward!
- (laughing) - I totally forgot she was coming.
Never in my life did I think I'd ever see you kick a little cutie out the door like that.
- I didn't kick her out. - She was begging for a ticket.
And a ride on the Tiny E Express.
- Why didn't you give her a ticket? - Do we even have any left?
We got plenty. You want me to grab her? She's cute.
- No, I don't want her there. - Why not?
Because I don't want her to get the wrong ideas.
- What ideas? - Like that you love Sloan?
(laughter)
No, ideas like I don't want her to be my girlfriend, which I don't!
Because I don't want anybody to be my girlfriend.
- You really like being single? - Yes!
Mr. Relationship's going to stick to that statement?
Aw, come on. For the first time in his life he's enjoying playing the field.
- He's entitled. - He is, and if he were normal
I'd buy it, but he's not, so I don't.
Yeah, me either. Sloan tells him she wants to get back together
and the field is shut down!
She won't, so I guess you'll never know.
Yeah, but if she did, would you want to get back together?
She just wants to be friends, so what's the difference?
Why did she push you to get your own place if she just wants to be friends?
- Because she's thoughtful. - I think she's sending mixed signals.
Which isn't good for a fragile sensitive mind like E's.
Yeah, and she did try and get him drunk the other night.
So what? What's the big deal? Nothing happened.
- Turtle: Maybe she wanted it to. - She's testing you, E.
- And you're failing miserably. - Others: Mm-hmm.
- Don't you guys have to get ready? - Takes me two minutes.
All right, all right, come on.
- Let's go. - All right, I'll see you guys later.
- Peace. - Look, if you're really done with that,
do you mind if I gobble it up?
- (Turtle groans) - A: You're disgusting.
B: You're old enough to be her grandfather.
- Turtle: Great grandfather. - I'll see you guys later.
Wake up, Toto. You're not in Kansas anymore.
- Jesus, Ari, you startled me. - You look half dead.
- I'm at lunch. - Starving yourself
isn't going to help you make it to the finish line.
- How else can I lose 15 lbs? - Exercise.
I'm only willing to power walk
- and who has the time? - (phone ringing)
Ari Gold's office. Oh, Mrs. Gold, hi.
I'm okay. Weak, but surviving.
- Just a second. - How'd it go, baby?
- I hate that bitch. - What?
She's abrasive, obnoxious. She is nasty.
Andrew Klein's ready and heading to the conference room.
- I can't believe it. - Well, don't... because it's a joke!
- (ladies laughing) - What?
- We love each other, Ari. - Say hi. That's Marlo.
- Oh, we got the same color nails. - I love it!
- We're going to have such a good time tonight. - I can't wait.
Listen, make sure that you feisty gals start boozing early.
- We're way ahead of you on that. - Yeah!
Ready, here we go. Here we go.
- Mmm. - It's your lucky day.
- Lloyd: How so? - I'm only gonna make you lose 10 lbs.
(drums)
Man: Thanks, truly, thank you. He's getting there.
Gentlemen, trust me when I say you don't want
to be sitting anywhere other than where you're sitting right now.
You guys are the best in the business at what you do.
We're the best in the business at what we do.
Of course Ari and I will be there 200% of the time,
but there's little doubt that Lizzie can handle everything you need.
Ari, you got anything else you want to add?
Just that your script is fantastic, you are stars
and we would love for you to be a part of this agency.
- Okay. - That's a quick sell if I ever heard one.
Listen, you'll have to excuse my abruptness,
but this is a win-win situation, and I don't want
- to waste your time with small talk. - That's what I'm here for.
We enjoyed it. Especially everything Lizzie said.
Ahh, she's a smart one, this girl.
Would you gentlemen be interested in tickets to Scorsese's "Gatsby" tonight?
I can introduce you to Vinnie Chase
for when you want to make that jump into features.
- Both: Yeah. - That'd be great.
All right, yeah. 'Cause there's nothing like celebrating a client's success
with a good friend like Andrew and our beautiful wives.
So what do you say we continue this conversation tonight?
- Yeah, we'd love to. - Yeah.
Okay, great. You guys are going to have a fantastic time.
- I'll just show them out. - Cool, great, perfect.
- What? - Are you out of your mind?
- What do you mean? - Please tell me you're not fucking her.
What?! Ari, what... no!
My wife is out right now buttering up your wife
- so we can live happily ever after. - Why?
- Because I asked her to! - You shouldn't have done that.
Andrew, you have been given a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
to take your lifestyle and your career to the next level.
You throw it away on some 22-year-old,
you're gonna be left with nothing but herpes.
- She's 26. - Oh, Jesus Christ!
Get it together... quickly.
20 lbs, Lloyd!
- (rap music playing) - (laughter)
Would you leave me alone?
- Tell them to leave me alone! - Leave him alone, Drama!
I'm just saying this is your coming-out party.
This is the first time you're really gonna be photographed together
- and you're wearing sneakers! - I think he looks cool and handsome.
I think he looks bloated! I begged him to see my colonic guy.
Unlike you, I don't like guys sticking stuff up my ass.
Oh, this is gonna be a great night!
- Turtle: Totally. - I'm sorry, but, E,
if I knew you didn't have a date, I could have totally found a friend for you.
Or you could have went with him.
I'm sure you would've enjoyed it more than your current date.
- I can be both their dates. - Sorry, Kel. Johnny don't roll like that.
I say the more the merrier.
(Vince laughs)
Yeah, thanks anyway, Kel. I'm meeting somebody there.
- A friend. - Vince: Awww, E!
- He's not gay, is he? - Uh, no.
All right, here we are. Let's do this!
- Yeah, baby! - (cheering)
(pop song playing)
Man: Vince, Vince!
Can we ask you some questions?
Yo yo yo! Johnny Chase!
Johnny, are you alone tonight, Johnny?
Well, if having basically a world-class fashion model on your arm
is considered being alone, then yeah.
- What's your name? - Kelly. What's yours?
All right, come on. Over here.
I'll meet you inside. I just want to find the Kleins.
You're being a little obsessive, baby. You might want to tone it down a bit.
Okay, freak. I thought you wanted us to be friends.
Friends, not Siamese ass-buddies.
Look, she already flaked on you once. I just don't want you to get hurt.
Actually Marlo told me that it was Andrew that insisted on canceling
so maybe you should be careful. Sweetie, I'll meet you inside.
Okay, all right.
I can't wait to see it. I am so excited.
Turtle here slipped me some dailies and they were unbelievable.
- Jamie! - I'm just kidding.
- I'm just kidding, Marty. - Who's Turtle?
- Uh, he's my boyfriend. - How you doing?
- Just Turtle? - Yeah, like Madonna.
I let her call me Sal, but only her.
That's sweet.
(cheering)
Thank you, Gordon. Thank you so much.
Thanks for coming, guys. Enjoy the movie.
- Wow. - Hello.
- You look amazing. - Thank you.
- You look great. - Thank you.
- We still get to sit next to each other? - I suppose.
Can we do that? Thank you very much.
I am so proud of this movie, but mostly just thankful to Marty.
- Vinnie! - Oh, look, it's my agent!
Hey, I'll talk to you later, man. All right.
- Thanks, man. - Nice of you to join us.
I am here and I am all about you.
So you ready?
- I am. - Okay, then,
let's go reintroduce you to the world.
(big band music playing)
- Genius genius genius. - Turtle: Yes.
And I'm not ashamed to admit it:
I'm proud to have a baby brother to look up to.
- Aw, thank you, Johnny. - I cannot walk three feet in this place
without being accosted by someone who wants a piece of the new Vinnie Chase!
(groan of relief) You guys, thanks for coming.
- It means a lot to me, really. - Wouldn't miss it for the world, Vin.
Excuse me, everybody.
- It means a lot that you're here too. - Oh, thank you.
- Can I get anyone another drink? - All: Good, I'm good.
I'm gonna come with you. Are you sure you don't want anything?
- Naw, we're good, thanks. - No, thank you.
- They're really cute together. - Baby, they're not together.
They are so. It doesn't matter what they say, they are fully in love.
- Kinda like how we started? - We were in lust.
- I'll take it. - She said "were," past tense.
We were in lust. We are in love.
- Awwww. - What a country.
Thank you.
- Hello. - What can I get for you?
I would like a glass of merlot and he will have...
a Belvedere on the rocks with two limes.
- You think you know me so well, huh? - Don't I?
Eric?
Ashley! Hey, hi.
Hi! So I made it after all.
Yeah, I see that. This is Sloan.
Hi.
Yeah, um...
lucky me had a friend at C.A.A.
Who had an extra ticket so that's why I'm here.
- That's great, that's great. - Yeah.
- (clears throat) - E, I'm gonna go back to the table.
- Okay. - Okay. See you.
- "E"? - Uh, yeah, it's what my friends call me.
- So she's a friend? - Yeah.
- Are you here together? - Yes, as friends.
Oh.
And technically I'm still working.
- I-I understand. - So I should probably get back to Vince.
- Oh, okay. - But I'll call you later.
- Okay. - Okay.
- I'll see ya. - I'll see ya.
There was no way that I was giving up my seat
for this woman's "manicure emergency."
And she was spewing venom and then Marlo...
I marched right over, I dump her purse out and I smashed her Gucci sunglasses.
Hilarious. I wouldn't want to be on your bad side.
Oh no, the entire salon erupts in applause.
- This woman was such a nightmare. - Horrible!
I'm glad you guys had fun.
Would you guys excuse me for a second?
What is with him? Such a wet rag!
Oh, Ari! How would you feel about the four of us,
Cabo for New Year's Eve?
Fuck New Year's Eve. It's overrated, overpriced. I'm gonna be right back.
- Well, they suck. Mm-hmm. - They do.
- You look lost. - Hey, where is everybody?
- Off with their girls. - Ahh.
- Are you all right? - I've been better.
- Not going well with Sloan? - I don't even know where she is.
- And Ashley's here. - Ashley?
- Yeah, she showed up. - Wow, she likes you.
- Seems like it. - But you still love Sloan.
I'm a mess.
- Tell her. - I don't know where she is.
I do.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
E, this is Gregg; Gregg, E.
- Hey. - Hey.
You mind if I steal her for a minute?
- Do you mind? - I will be right back.
- Who's that jerkoff? - That's my cousin.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
So who was the child with the bad attitude?
- It's nobody. - How old is she?
- She's 24. I'm sorry about that. - It's okay.
- No, that was rude. - It was rude.
Sloan, look, I didn't want you to come here tonight as my friend.
- I miss you. - Oh, Eric, don't.
I know I screwed up. I was a shitty boyfriend.
You used me as storage. I mean, you moved in for a week
- and then left. - I know that was all my fault.
But things are different now.
I finally moved into a place... a place that you found for me.
Eric, you moved in this morning. I can't just jump back in.
But I don't know if I can be just friends with you.
Well, then for now...
let's not be.
(sighs)
- What are you doing? - Ari.
- Andrew: Look, I'm sorry. - How long has this been going on?
I don't know, it wasn't then it was. It just happened.
- Jesus. - Don't judge me.
Don't judge you? I gave you everything and this is how you repay me?
- This is not about you. - In so many fucking ways it is.
I know you didn't have the temptation at your last job like I put in front of you,
but at the end of the day, she's just another young girl
who's trying to make a name for herself and you're just another old fuck
who's going to have to take a pill to keep up with her.
- It has to end! - What is wrong with you two?
I thought the whole purpose of this was to spend time together.
So let's get your asses
- out on the dance floor! - Let's go!
Come on!
- (laughing) - You guys see what I'm saying, right?
Yes, we can all see that you're obsessed with Seth Rogen.
- Vince: Seriously. - I just want answers.
- Would you bang him? - I said no!
- Huh-uh. - Kelly, why aren't you answering?
'Cause I kinda did bang Seth Rogen.
- (all groan) - What?!
- Oh good Lord. - (phone ringing)
- Oop, it's Ashley. - Sassy Ashley.
- Pick it up! - Give the guy a minute to be sad.
- He had the whole ride over here. - Answer it.
You might want to save her for later.
(rings)
- Hello. - Eric, hi.
I've been feeling awful.
I'm sorry I just ambushed you at the party
and was rude. Just, I was nervous and drunk
- and, you know, it's no excuse. - That's okay.
Mmm, look what I found!
- You forgive me? - Yeah.
- Good. - And I just found your bracelet.
Oh my God, are you serious?
You want to bring it over?
Yeah, okay.
Well, I'll see you soon.
(sighs)
I'm gonna bring it to her.
- Good. - Way to bounce back.
Very impressive.
You think it'd be weird if I thought about Sloan?
- Yes. - Hell yeah.
- Yes! - Do what you gotta do.
- Yes! - Naw!
I think about her all the time when I'm doing it.
- Not with me you won't! - No, unfortunately,
I'll be thinking about you and "Superbad."
Get over it. I was really drunk.
- Okay. - (laughter)
- You guys have a good night. - Night!
- Have a good time. - You stud!
Go get 'em, tiger!
- (laughing) - (phone beeps)
(pop song playing)
(music ends)