(theme music playing)
(bangs)
Vince.
- Vince. - Mm, yeah?
- I heard something. - What?
I think someone's in the house.
Really?
- (bangs) - See?
All right, I'll go check it out.
Ahnold, want to come with?
Thanks, pal.
Hello?
Turtle, is that you?
Hello?
(banging)
Don't worry. It's just the wind.
(clanging)
Call 911.
Turtle: Ahnold would have heard something.
I'm telling you, he didn't flinch. Someone was definitely here.
If he didn't bark, they weren't.
Maybe the girl you were with set it up.
- Set what up? - Fantasy rape scene perhaps.
Is that what your girls do, Drama?
- Tie you up and strap one on? - Don't be juvenile, E.
- (phone ringing) - Oh, Christ.
What is it?
My half an agent. Yeah, Lloyd?
Oh, Johnny Drama, what did you do?
- It's not what I did. - You attacked a high-level studio exec.
- Is that what they're saying? - Right now they're not saying anything
except that you will not be needed on set today.
- What? Why? - I assume it's because
you attacked a high-level studio exec!
So now what? Am I done?
I don't know. I'll let you know when I hear more.
Thanks, Lloyd.
- They canceled my scenes today. - (all groan)
He said he was gonna have me written off the show. I guess he's doing it.
You're gonna have to go down there and apologize.
Guy hits on my best friend's girlfriend and I'm supposed to apologize?
You did grab him by the throat.
He said he was gonna pound Meadow Soprano from behind.
- You should've broken his fucking arm... - Vince: Turtle.
Sorry.
Drama, I appreciate everything you did,
'cause I know you had the best intentions.
Jamie does too. But this is yourjob.
Yeah, Johnny, you live for this show.
Just suck it up and go talk to him.
Yeah.
Should I bring a fruit basket or something?
- No. - Maybe a massage certificate
- from Burke Williams? - No.
I'll just leave it up to me then.
All right, I'm out.
- Good luck. - See you, Drama.
Hey, Vince, we found no sign of forced entry.
And you guys say you can't find anything missing, right?
No, but the living room door was open.
- Any chance you could have left it open? - I don't think so.
If someone was here, the good news is you're okay and nothing's been taken.
If they come back, call us and we'll come back.
All right. Thanks, Officers. I appreciate it.
- Thanks for coming down. - Sorry, Vince.
Somebody was here.
Now that everyone's safe and sound I'm gonna head off to work.
- Want us to roll with? - No.
- Why not? - It's my first day.
- I want to make a good impression. - What do you think people think
- when they see us? - Call me if you want to have lunch.
All right, hotshot. Enjoy.
Mr. Vince, do you no have underwear for cleaning?
Yeah, whatever's there, Maria. Thanks.
No, it's not there.
Is socks and shirts, but no underwear.
I just dropped my dirty stuff down there last night.
- Tons of underwear. - Yeah, me too.
It's not there.
I told you someone was here.
What, you think someone broke in and stole our underwear?
Uh-huh.
Jesus.
Murray: Before we jump in today we need to welcome
our newest family member, Mr. Eric Murphy.
Catch him up, show him around.
I want him feeling like he's been here all his life by the end of the day.
Eric Murphy.
- Got you a cup of coffee, Mr. Murphy. - Thank you very much.
And these just came from the front desk for you.
Uh, I didn't order any pizza.
Ari Gold sent them. The delivery guy said to tell you
good luck and you're no longer a pizza boy, you're now a pizza man.
- (all chuckle) - Cool.
Okay, let's get to it. This is a signing meeting.
So tell me who have we signed?
I have Penelope Cruz, like, right there.
Right there is not there. What else?
- I signed Neil Elman. - Tell me about it.
A hot young writer-director out of Sundance.
- Has two specs ready to go. - When they sell we'll clap for you.
On the comedy front,
Chris Rock is doing a new tour,
so you can applaud me for saving your asses.
Silently.
But why is Bob Saget making 50 grand a night
and we're making dick?
I've called him 20 times. He won't return my calls.
You've called him, Scott?
Everyone, let's give Scott Lavin here
a big morning clap 'cause he called Bob Saget.
Hi, Bob Saget, this is Scott. Please call me back.
I don't think he wants a manager.
Nobody wants a manager. Convince him that he needs one.
I would love to, but he won't return my calls.
- Stake-out his fucking house. - You know, I used to live next door to Bob.
I know him a little bit. I can call him.
So let it be said, let it be done.
Take care. It's nice to meet you too. Hey, Britney.
- You need anything? - Actually, I needed
- to send Ari Gold something. - Sure, no problem. What is it?
Maybe there is a guy in the mailroom that could help me with this.
Eric, don't worry about it. I'm like one of the guys.
I've only been working for you for two hours and the pizza thing pissed me off.
- Just let me know what I can do. - Okay.
- Murphy Group! - What?
Murphy Group.
Sexy, can I talk to your man alone for a beat?
Sure, douchebag. Told you I was one of the guys.
- I'll be in your office. - Okay.
What's up?
So is this the whole Group?
- What do you mean? - Murray said we were
absorbing the Murphy Group. So I was expecting at least a trifecta.
- It's just me. - It's a weird fucking name then, isn't it?
What's up, Scotty? You seem a little tweaked.
Yeah, well, I've been working two things the last month.
Bob Saget when the sun's up
and the Olsen twins when the sun's down.
So I do not need you waltzing in here, jumping on what's mine.
- I was just trying to help, all right? - But you didn't help, you see?
Yeah well, Murray said that this whole place is kind of like a team thing.
Yeah, it is. And like any team
you got LeBron James who makes $120 million.
Then you got a jerkoff who's on a 10-day contract.
Whichever one of those you think you're gonna be,
neither steals the ball from the other.
Why don't we just call Bob together?
'Cause I don't want to call Bob together, all right?
I want to sign Bob alone and I will.
Got a trash can? Thanks.
Yo, Lawrence. What's up, kid?
- Hey, Drama, how you doing? - How do I look?
You look okay, I guess.
Want to roll up this gate?
- Afraid I can't do that. - Why not?
- You're on the list. - What list?
The banned- from-the-lot list.
That's why your picture is right there.
Well, my picture is also right there.
- How do you explain that? - Can't.
But the message came from Dan Coakley himself,
so I'm assuming whatever you did was real bad.
Will you please get Dan Coakley on the phone?
Sure.
Stop calling the office, John.
Stop lurking outside and stop trying to push me.
Please just let me in so we can talk.
- What's to talk about? - I'd like to apologize.
- (honking) - I'm not interested in an apology.
Come on, Dan. We had words. Men do that.
You put your hands around my throat.
Men sometimes do that also.
Look, you said some pretty awful things.
Oh, so you're not really apologizing,
you're just making excuses for attacking me.
- No, I just... - So if I was to tell you
that Meadow Soprano blew me last night,
- you might just go and attack me again. - Dan...
The fact is she's here right now sucking on my dick, John.
All right, that's enough. All right? I'm trying here.
Try harder, John, 'cause she is about to swallow my balls
while I dive into her pussy.
That's it, you're a dead man, Coakley.
Do you hear me? You're a fucking dead man!
I'm gonna rip your fucking scalp off!
- (phone clicks) - Hello?
(horns honking)
Did Mr. Coakley say you can go on?
Vince, as proud as I am that you've reached stalker status,
you can't play around. These are sick individuals.
We have an alarm. I'll learn to turn it on.
You need to call my security guy.
This guy is the best.
I had a problem neighbor. Couldn't trust him for shit.
When this guy was done arming my house,
it was as secure as Air Force One.
I didn't realize you were such a pussy, Ari.
I didn't realize your attack dog was as worthless as you, Turtle.
He's not. I think he's going deaf.
Watch, Vin. Ahnold. Ahnold.
See?
- He's not deaf, he's stoned. - Are we done here, Ari?
We are not done, all right? You need to take this really seriously.
Somebody broke in here, went to your laundry room, stole your underwear.
Do I need to paint you a picture of what goes through the mind
- of someone like that? - No, please, don't.
- Call my guy. - Forget that. Let's just go get a gun.
- Don't get a gun. - Why not?
It's not gonna be a great story if Turtle shoots you in the face.
- I'm a good shot, Ari. - Are you?
I think I would be. I'm a good free-throw shooter.
Vince, I thought you were maturing.
All this work and you're not listening.
You're gonna let this guy be the first line of defense
- against some boxer-stealing serial killer? - She could be a hot fan.
More likely he's a creepy little pale obsessive freak.
- God. - Speaking of which,
where's E? He got an alibi?
A Sloan McQuewick calling for you.
Wow, tell her I'm in a meeting. Tell her I'll call you back. I mean, I'll call her back.
- You know what? I'll take it. - What?
Yeah, just put her through.
Guess I should learn how to pronounce this one's name, huh?
- Got a minute, babe? - He's got an important call.
Actually, this is equally important... doubly important.
- That's okay, Britney. I'll call back. - Okay.
- Just take a message. - Hey, what's up?
I got Bob Saget to agree to come in.
- Oh yeah? That's great. - Yeah.
- How'd you do that? - Dropped your name.
- Cool. I'm glad I could help. - He wants you in the meeting.
- Okay. - We're gonna do it in my office.
- Okay. - Okay.
Look, Eric, I don't know what you guys have together.
You're friends, you're neighbors,
you used his prick as a whistle... whatever it is, he's mine.
- Okay, we clear? He's mine. - Yeah.
All right. Good.
- Calm down, Johnny. - Don't tell me to calm down.
I tried apologizing to this guy
when the fact is he should be apologizing to me.
- You attacked him. - Do you know what he said?
I know he's saying he said nothing and that you're crazy.
Everyone knows what kind of guy he is. I want to take this to the top.
All you have is your word against his.
Then I'll find someone who can back up my words.
Uh, what is that?
It's for Ari from Eric Murphy.
"Suck it."
That is not what this is for.
I think there's someone in the tree.
Stop. You're stoned.
I may be, but I'm not kidding. Come look.
- Where? - There.
- It's a bird. - No, there.
- That is a squirrel. - That's not where I'm looking.
I'm looking through the tree past that shrub right behind the car.
I should never have let Jamie take Ahnold.
You're crazy.
- I don't feel safe. - There is nothing there.
We should go out there.
No, stop it. I'm not gonna let you or Ari make me paranoid.
- Oh! - Oh, Jesus!
Turtle: It's just Temo.
Okay, now I am a bit freaked.
Yeah.
(coughs)
Bob, what you do not know about me
is that I am 24/7.
That is my middle fucking name: Scotty 24/7 Lavin.
What that means is that every time you turn around
anywhere, anytime, you will be looking at this.
That's just great, Scotty. That's just what I want to be looking at
while I'm sniffing a line of blow off her ass... your fucking face.
That really completes the image. You believe that, Scotty?
'Cause if you believe that, you'd believe the commission check is in the mail too.
I understand and you're reluctant.
But I want you to know that I swear to God
on my mother, I will kill for you.
- You will? - Yes.
- What if I kill? - What do you mean?
I mean, what if I kill somebody late at night
and I call you up and I go, "Hey, 24/7, I'm fucked.
I just killed a guy at some crack den in the hood."
Would you come down there in your silver 750 and pick me up
and help me chop up the body and dispose of it and then take me home
and bathe me and then tuck me in? Would you do all that for me, Scotty?
Because I would do that for me to keep 10% of the money that I make.
- Bob... - Shh shh, we're done now, Scotty.
I'm gonna talk to E.
- So what's up, E? - How are you, Bob?
I'm almost as good as she looks but not nearly as good as she tastes.
- Oh, you're so sweet, Bob. - (chuckles)
- So who's Vince fucking? - No one specific.
Oh come on, don't hold out on me.
You know, he just... he's having fun.
- Did he do Milano in the tail? - What? No.
I saw her coming out of the house one night.
- She was with Drama. - I used to live next door to these guys.
The puss that rolled in and out of there made my house look like a monastery.
- (laughs) - That's great.
- Can we get back to this? - Actually, no, Scotty, we can't.
Not with you here. Because you make me un-fucking-comfortable.
I'm just gonna talk to E now. Would you leave?
- This is my office. - We're not gonna stain anything.
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
I don't like that guy. Do you like that guy?
- No, he's creepy. - He's just trying to take care of you, Bob.
I don't get taken care of by dudes. Hey, I get it.
Murray wants me on his roster.
I make so much money that it ain't gonna mean nothing to give him a commission.
But I want something in return.
What is it?
Don't think I'm weird when I tell you this.
- Anything, Bob. - Promise you won't call me weird?
Just say it, Bob. I won't call you weird.
I want to have sex in Murray's office.
- What? - Yeah.
I want to fuck her in Murray's office.
(laughs) I get it, Bob.
- I'm sorry if we wasted... - No, I'm serious.
I'm not weird, I'm pragmatic.
This would be great for my memoirs.
Murray Berenson, the guy's a legend. Fucking on his couch?
- Come on. - You serious, Bob?
Do I ever tease when I'm talking about fucking, baby?
- No. - No.
I'm serious. I'm not weird.
Think about it.
Okay, Bob.
Thanks for taking the time to see me.
Of course. Turtle told me you were freaking out.
But I'm not sure what I can do.
Just speak the truth and I'll have my lawyer write everything down.
Johnny, the truth is
Dan Coakley didn't say anything inappropriate to me.
- He was all about business. - Impossible.
He's got a pilot he wants me to do.
He wants to do you, Jamie.
- Wake up. - Drama!
I'm not saying he doesn't want you to do the pilot also.
- But do you know what he said to me? - I do.
And I so appreciate you sticking up for me.
But he didn't say any of those things to me.
- He's trying to lure you in. - Well, that won't happen.
Maybe you can lure him in.
- What do you mean? - Go visit him.
Wear something sexy, smell nice.
Get him a little excited maybe.
- Maybe wear a wire? - Would you?
No.
Johnny, I know the spot you're in,
and I feel so bad because I was involved in causing it,
but he really didn't do anything to me.
I'm really sorry.
I understand.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
You don't have to feel bad. It's not your fault.
Jamie: I know, but I do feel bad.
- That's because you're a good person. - I try to be.
Drama's got his demons. He's got to work them out, unfortunately.
- How's my boy? - He's good.
He's trying to drive. What are you guys doing?
Me and Vince are looking for guns.
- For what? - For protection, what else?
Turtle, you will end up like Plaxico shooting yourself.
Why does nobody think I can handle a gun?
'Cause you're not that type of guy.
You don't really know the tough guy roots from whence I came.
- Tell her, Vin. - He's a killer, Jamie.
- You hear that? - I did.
But try not to kill yourself or Vince, please.
I promise I won't. I'll call you later, okay?
- Bye. - Bye.
- She's worried. - I don't see why.
- Sir, we'll take a whole bunch of these. - Good choice.
So what do you do, just brown paper bag it and we're off?
Unfortunately we've got a 10-day waiting period in California.
10 days? We got to protect ourselves now.
Call your government.
- What can we get to tide ourselves over? - You like knives?
- You are fucking with me. - I'm not.
You're trying to put me in a bad spot.
You make me look bad here, Eric, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Scotty, look, I've been here four hours. You want to fight me?
You want to rep Bob Saget, he's all yours.
I'm trying to explain to you exactly what it is you're dealing with.
I understand that. And I'm trying to explain to you that I'm not buying it.
- Scotty. - What?
I teed this one up for you, all right?
All you got to do is sell Murray on it and the credit's all yours.
I get it. All I got to do is tell Murray Berenson
that Bob Saget wants to fuck in his office.
I don't believe it and I'm just not gonna do it.
Then I will.
- What are you doing, Drama? - Lawrence, I'm desperate.
You've known me three years. You know I'm a good guy.
You know I take my job very seriously.
And you know there's no way I can let you on that lot.
See this gift basket over here? It's yours if you do.
Come on, man, what's it got, fruit or some bullshit in there?
Three different iPods, cherry-infused Godiva chocolates,
Peter Thomas Roth wrinkle peel pads,
- cookies from DeLuscious... - Cookies?
Chocolate chip?
Sprinkles cupcakes too.
All right, go on. Tell 'em you went through gate 4 if you're caught.
You got it.
Dan Coakley's office.
Mr. Chase! Mr. Chase, you can't go in there!
Gorgeous, I've got to go.
Dan.
Wow, you really want to destroy your life, huh?
No no no no. I came here
to offer a real apology.
This morning you were right. I was insincere.
I was making excuses for my actions.
See, Dan, I have impulse control issues
topped with anger management problems
mixed in with desperate insecurities.
Constantly I feel the need to overcompensate.
I don't know if it's because I felt Ma loved my brother more than me
or because my father started calling me a pussy at age three.
But here I am exposed to you
offering you my sincere, most heartfelt apologies.
I just... you know, when you said those things
that you said about my buddy's girlfriend, I, uh...
you know what you said. Right? I mean...
Tell me again what you said, Dan.
It's cool. I won't get mad this time.
You can tell me. Tell me again what you said.
What are you doing, John?
What?
What, are you...
- are you recording this or something? - What?
I've produced enough bad cop shows to know when somebody's wearing a wire.
(laughs) Dan.
(laughs) What's in your pocket?
- Nothing. - I see something.
- That's my cell phone. - Take it out.
- Dan... - John, take it out.
- Dan. - John.
Don't fire me. Please please, this job is everything to me.
It's all I got. I've worked 18 years to get to this position.
I know I got problems. I know it.
I'll work on it. I'll paint your house.
I'll wash your car. Please, Dan, I'm at your mercy.
- Please! - Ah! Get up.
- I'm not gonna fire you. - You're not?
You got a stay of execution from Eddie Burns.
Really?
Plus, I kind of figured that if I do fire you
you might actually find a job somewhere else.
- So what does this mean? - It means I'm going to torture you.
- How? - Tune in next week.
So, day one, how's it going?
Really good so far. I really like the energy of the place.
- That's good. - Plus I've been alone in my office so long
it's nice to feel like a real person, have people to talk to about things.
Yeah, it's a great team. What did you want to talk to me about?
- Bob Saget. - What about him?
Well, we had a meeting.
On day one? I love it. How'd it go?
Well, do you know Bob at all?
No. Did you close him?
No, we're right there, but do we really want him?
He's a big earner. Why wouldn't we?
Well, he's strange.
Who isn't in this town? Talk to me, Eric.
This is really uncomfortable.
It shouldn't be.
Okay, uh...
Bob Saget would like to have sex in your office.
- What? - He said it'd be good for his memoirs.
And he'll sign with us if we'll...
or if you'll... let him.
Are you asking me if Bob Saget can fuck in my office?
I'm just repeating the information.
Maybe I made a mistake with you.
No!
This isn't a whorehouse, Eric. This is my office.
I built my business sitting right here at this desk.
And you want to have Bob Saget defile it.
No, look, I just... you wanted Bob Saget
and this is what he asked for.
(laughs) Jesus, Eric.
You really make a fuckface when you're scared.
- What? - Bring him in. I don't give a shit.
My ex-wife decorated this place anyway.
- Really? - Just get a cleaning crew in here after.
Okay.
- Good first day? - Real good.
Great. Maybe tomorrow you go get Christian Bale.
We'll let him execute a cinematographer if he wants.
- See you later. - (laughing)
At least you still have yourjob.
Yeah, but I just can't imagine what this guy's planning.
Johnny, just give it a couple of weeks. I'm sure it'll subside.
Whatever. I'll be fine. Right now
- I'm just worried about my baby bro. - Don't. I'll be fine too.
- I know you will be. - (clanks)
- Whoa! - So where'd you get these?
- John Milius' garage sale. - Are they loaded?
Of course they're loaded, bro.
You can't protect yourself with an empty gun.
Are we really gonna shoot this guy if he comes back?
Would you rather wait for the cops to come back
and find us tied up and drained of all our blood?
"Where's my drink, Spider, you muttering, stuttering..."
It's not a toy, you fucking idiot.
- It's a loaded weapon. - (fires)
- Whoa! - Jeez!
I think we should call Ari's security guy.
- Yeah. - (crashes)
(rap song playing)