(theme music playing)
- I'm not calling her again. - I wouldn't.
What could I have possibly done wrong this time?
- You won't know unless you call. - So you think I should call?
- If you want to know what you did wrong. - All right, I'll call.
I'm not calling because I didn't do anything.
- Good for you, taking a stand. - A stand against what?
A stand against women who get mad at us when we haven't even done anything.
When have you had that, Turtle?
I've had everything you've had.
Jamie mad at you about something?
No, but she did get weird when I told her
about the sorority girls rolling around in my underwear.
- E: What did she say? - Nothing much.
Just that she's driving me to school from now on.
- Ooh, that make you nervous? - No, why should it?
Maybe 'cause you're still thinking about that one girl.
- Thinking about her? - Yeah, like you want to bang her.
- Stop. I have a girlfriend. - Oh, so you don't want to bang her?
I don't even want to think about banging her 'cause I have a girlfriend.
Good for you, Turtle.
Why, you think I should bang her?
No no no no.
But it would be normal if you did think about it.
I am thinking about it. I feel very guilty.
Yo, Johnny. What's up?
- How was work? - Awful.
Stacy, can I get another one of these, please?
- Amstel. - I'll have one of those too.
- Okay, Turtle? - Driving.
- All right. - What happened?
Apparently the facial lacerations
that Coakley made them give me are infected and
- my character's got staph or something. - Whoa.
In tonight's scene, my speech was slurred
so they had to rush me to the hospital.
I think my character's heading for a coma.
- Jesus. - Yeah.
I can't take much more of this.
At least you're still getting a paycheck.
I didn't get into this business for a paycheck, Turtle.
I got into this business so that the world could see my talent.
Oh, Christ. This just ain't my night.
- What happened? - See the guy who walked in over there?
- Don't look! - You said, "See the guy over there?"
- Now I'm telling you don't look at him. - Who is he?
It's the producer that fired me from "Melrose Place."
God, don't see me.
Hold on a second. Johnny Chase!
- Johnny Chase. - Hey, Phil Yagoda.
- How the hell are you? - What's going on, man? I'm good.
- Been a long time. - Yeah yeah.
This is my brother Vince, Turtle and Eric.
- Hey, guys. Big fan. - Thanks.
So how're you doing? Show's doing great?
Yeah yeah. Loving it there.
It's just one of the great working experiences of my life.
- Beautiful. - No offense.
None taken, man. We had some good times back in the day.
Yeah, it did take me
to Crazy Girls after you canned me.
(laughs)
I didn't can you. Higher ups than me did.
- Yeah, well... - I can't believe you're sitting here, man.
I literally was just thinking about you.
Yeah? Why?
Well, we're gearing up to do "Melrose" 2009
and, um... (laughs)
There's a part you're perfect for.
- Really? - Yeah.
You would work with me again?
Yeah, Johnny.
In a second, man, if you were available.
Hey, nice to see you, man.
- Take care, guys. - See you, man.
Can you imagine me back on "Melrose Place"?
Talk about a return-to-glory story.
You're not available so stop killing yourself about it.
Maybe I could get out of my "Five Towns" contract.
Coakley said he's gonna torture you for the rest of your life.
- You know that's never gonna happen. - Never say never.
Come on, let's have some positivity, people.
- Think it's possible, bro? - Anything's possible, Johnny.
- What should I do? - Call your agent.
It's 6:00 in the morning.
I didn't mean right this second.
Yeah, maybe I'll wait 30 minutes.
- Where are you going? - I'm going to Ashley's.
- I got to know what I did. - You've been drinking.
Yeah, okay, you're right. Turtle, you gonna drive me?
What happened to taking a stand?
- Come on, get up. I need a ride. - Good luck.
(sighs)
I can't wait any longer.
Well, you have no temperature.
Check it again. I know I'm dying.
You're not dying. Leaving Ari has you fearing for your life, maybe.
But this is going to be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
- Trust me. - (phone ringing)
- Is it Ari? - Nope, Johnny Chase.
My only client.
What if he doesn't want to come with me?
Convey confidence and he will.
All right?
- Hi, Johnny. - Hey, Lloyd, I got some news.
I do as well. I've left Ari for greener pastures.
I'd like a commitment from you that you're coming with me.
- You left Ari? - I'm working with Adam Davies now.
- Jesus Christ, not today! - There's nothing to worry about.
Look, I think maybe I can get on the new "Melrose Place"
if I can get out of my "Five Towns" contract.
- Johnny... - Lloyd, I need you to find out if it's true.
If it is, see if you can get me out of that contract.
Are you gonna come with me?
Take care of what I just told you and we'll talk.
Later. I am so screwed.
Christ, I've got work to do.
Grab me a handful of Xanaxs, would you?
I'm okay, I'm in work mode. Go!
Stop stop stop.
You want me to wait?
No, I'm all good.
You are a confident drunk.
(tapping)
Jesus Christ, Eric. What are you doing?
- Let me in. - Go to the front.
- What time is it? - It's early.
- You didn't call me back. - I was going to.
I didn't feel like waiting.
- I don't want to get in a fight. - Me either.
But I know I'm in trouble. And since I know I didn't do anything
why don't you tell me what the problem is so I can clear this up?
- Are you drunk? - Not really.
What did I do?
Okay, who is Rupert Pupkin?
- What? - Yesterday morning when the phone rang
- you said it was Turtle. - It was.
- Then you said it was Drama. - It was.
Then the caller I.D. Said it was Rupert Pupkin.
(laughs) Jesus.
Who is Rupert Pupkin?
It's, uh...
well, he's a guy I've been seeing on the side.
I'm kidding. It's Vince's alias.
- His alias? - Yeah, he can't be calling people
and Vincent Chase comes up. It's from "King of Comedy."
- Why don't you trust me? - I don't know.
You're gonna have to learn to or it's never gonna work.
This is why I didn't want to talk last night.
I don't want to be grilling you.
- Something about us is off. - We're not off.
I'm not like this.
Then what are you like? Tell me, please, I want to know.
Eric, it's like 7:00 A.M.
Good, that way we can sleep before I go to work.
Uh, sleep?
Yeah, trust me.
- Okay, fine. - Okay.
- Baby. - Yeah?
I woke up with wood.
And why is that my problem?
- Just take care of me. - How about you take care of me?
Come on, I have to work all day. I don't want to work now.
- Sorry. - Okay, fine.
- (phone ringing) - Jesus.
- Rupert Pupkin? - Vince.
- Hello? - Oh God.
Baby, I need at least a blowjob.
Blow yourself.
Yo, buddy.
Yo, Ari, sorry for calling so early.
- Everything okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- It's Johnny. - I'm freaking out, Ari.
What's the problem?
He heard Lloyd's going over to Adam Davies.
- Ari? - Adam Davies?
Yeah, I assumed you knew.
Of course I knew.
Good riddance. What's Drama worried about?
He's got a career crisis going on and he's not sure Lloyd can handle it.
- Of course he can't handle it. - I'm desperate for help, Ari.
Help is on the way. Just give me the details.
I'm sorry you feel that way, Ari.
You're sorry, Lloyd?!
You have no idea how sorry you're going to be.
I am going to destroy you.
I am going to erode
every fiber of your spirit.
You no longer exist.
You are dead to me.
And the town will know that anyone meeting with you,
speaking with you or even nodding to you
on the street will be dead as well.
So die, Lloyd. Die die die!
And when you're gagging on Davies' balls
I want you to bite down so he can die too.
Call Dan Coakley's office,
set up an emergency meeting ASAP.
Welcome, Lloyd. (laughs)
- Glad to have you onboard. - Glad to be here, thank you.
Come on back. Gonna get an office ready for you after lunch.
But in the meantime, you can use the conference room
and Jeff here will help you with anything you need.
- Thank you so much. - Mm-hmm.
Jeff, get Dan Coakley on the phone. Tell him it's regarding Johnny Chase.
And call Phil Yagoda over at "Melrose Place." I need to speak with him as well.
Got it.
Work mode already. I love it.
Tell John I said welcome back.
Will do.
Okay, so the reason I didn't want to see you last night was
- 'cause I needed time to formulate a plan. - What do you mean?
I mean, you show up and come at me all like, "What's your deal?"
- And I wasn't prepared. - So now you're prepared?
Yes.
- Should I be worried? - No.
You should be excited because I think I figured out
how to deal with all this shit and move past it.
Anything you need.
Well, first off, I need to know that your assistant
who wants to ride you will not be a problem.
- My assistant? - The one that looks like a playmate.
She doesn't want to ride me. What are you talking about?
Trust me, she does.
When I stopped by your office she was giving me dirty looks.
- I think you're imagining things. - I know what I saw.
Look, I like you, okay? I want this to work.
So just tell me what you need.
I want to read your emails.
You want to read my emails?
Just from the last week or so.
I just want to see who you've been talking to
and how you've been talking to them.
If there's nothing weird, I'll never ask again.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
And you can read mine too.
I want us to have totally open and honest relationship.
Here.
Johnny: Why is nobody calling me back?
- This is a freaking nightmare. - It's early, Johnny.
Relax, Ari said he'd handle it.
What if he doesn't? I miss this, I may never get another opportunity.
- Drama, you got to calm down. - I can't calm down.
Come on, ring, phone. Ring, God damn it! Ring!
- (car horn honks) - That's Jamie.
- All right, guys. - Have fun.
- Okay, I'm nervous. - About what?
- You haven't done anything. - Yeah.
- Man up, Turtle. - All right. Good luck.
- Later. - Later.
- (phone rings) - Finally.
- Give me something good, Lloyd. - I spoke with Phil Yagoda.
- Yeah? - "Melrose" is real. Phil likes you
for the role but you'd have to test for the network.
How many other people are testing?
- They have no one else right now. - I like those odds.
If you don't get it, you'll have nothing.
So my recommendation personally is you stick with the paycheck you have.
No way. This opportunity is meant to be.
I'm walking dead at "Five Towns."
- Have you spoken to Coakley yet? - I left word.
- Leave word again. - I'm into it, Johnny.
So is Ari, Lloyd. Just so you know.
I wish you hadn't done that. Why did you do that, Johnny?
'Cause this is my life, Lloyd.
Try Dan Coakley again now.
Since when do you get involved in low-level TV actor discussions?
- Since now, Dan. - Since it's Vincent Chase's brother.
I'm asking for a favor, all right? Cut the kid loose.
But, Ari, come on. You don't understand
how much happy it makes me to see him suffer.
You're on the waiting list at Riv.
How happy would it make you to be a member?
- You can move me up that list? - I can move mountains, Dan.
And all I've got to do is just let him out of his contract?
I'm sorry, a Lloyd Lee on the line again.
He says it's truly urgent.
One other thing you'd have to do.
I'm sorry, Mr. Lee, but Mr. Coakley says that any discussions
about Johnny Chase will have to be with his agent Ari Gold,
and that he will not be returning your call ever.
Ever?
Why would he when you're a dead man?
I'm everywhere, Lloyd.
I can't believe you handed over your Berry.
I didn't know what to do. I was so shocked.
You should have told her to file a subpoena.
You have nothing to hide anyway.
- No, what do I have to hide? - Nothing.
- I got to go to work. - Enjoy.
I'll talk to you later.
Morning, Brit. Any calls?
Yeah, you got a bunch of messages.
Thanks. You okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
Actually...
- I need to apologize. - For what?
Yesterday when your girlfriend came in, I think I was kind of rude.
Really? She didn't mention anything.
Oh good. Good, I'm relieved. I was just distracted.
Oh, sorry. Everything all right?
Yeah, just some boy trouble.
- Oh, sorry. - I'll deal.
If you ever need to talk about anything.
- With you? - Yeah.
We should be able to talk about that stuff, right?
Is there something on your mind, Eric?
(laughs) Actually...
would you ever ask a guy to read his emails?
No. I'd just look at them.
I'm kidding.
- Did Ashley? - Yes.
Why? What did you do?
- I didn't do anything. - You had to have.
I lied to her once about my ex calling.
- Do you still see her? - My ex? Not like that.
The last time I saw her I ditched her for Ashley.
- So Ashley's paranoid? - Yeah, she's got some trust issues.
- Obviously. - So you don't think she's warranted?
No, I think she's crazy.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, why?
- You're acting weird. - Weird?
Yeah, you're so quiet.
No, just thinking about class,
hoping there's not like a pop quiz.
Do you get those in college?
No.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Really.
Tell me about this meeting.
Okay, well, it's Josh Schwartz
and he's got this new show that I love.
It's called "Runaways" and it's about these two girls
who are completely in debt and jobless
and hate their lives and they run away to L.A.
It's really good.
But I have to do a "Bahston" accent.
I've never really done an accent.
- You could do it. - You think?
I know you can. And I know you're gonna get this.
- I feel it. - Thanks.
Are those the whores that stole your underwear?
What?
The sorority hos that are staring at us.
Yeah, I think so.
The brunette's pretty cute.
You think?
You don't think so?
Nah, she's not my type.
- Okay, you'd better get to class. - Yup.
If my meeting finishes early I'll pick you up.
Don't worry about it. Vince is bored and he wants to drive.
- Good luck at your meeting. - Thanks.
- Turtle! - Yeah?
Come here.
How did you do it, Ari? How?
That's what I do. I part seas.
Don't try to comprehend it. Just be thankful
that you've been blessed with the proximity to it.
- I can't thank you enough. - Actually, you can.
- How? - By staying with me.
By not going with Lloyd.
You want to represent me?
Hell yeah. You're family.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
Make sure you kill that test.
I will, Ari. Thanks.
- My pleasure. Bye. - Bye.
I'm off "Five Towns."
- How do you feel? - Relieved.
You've got to be shitting me.
Lloyd, here's the bottom line, as hard as it is to hear.
I let you be my agent because Ari would not be.
We had some fun.
And now not only does Ari want to sign me,
but he took care of what you could not take care of.
What else is there to say?
Johnny Drama, I got you on "Five Towns."
- Ari has never even seen it. - Really?
I don't think he's seen anything you've ever done.
- How is that possible? - I've seen everything
from "Viking Quest" to the new "New Love Boat."
That pilot never even aired.
You were a tremendous young Merrill Stubing.
- You think? - I know.
Johnny, you've been my one client for over two years.
And I will continue to treat you like you're my only client
for the rest of your career. Will Ari?
I will be devastated if I lose you, Johnny Drama.
You think Ari will even care?
I believe in your talent. Does Ari?
Or does he want you because he doesn't want to piss off Vince?
Or does he want you just so he can piss me off?
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
What do you want?
Brittany thinks Ashley's crazy.
- Vince: I think Brittany wants you. - So Ashley's not crazy?
She may be, but I think regardless,
Brittany's trying to move her out of the way.
- So what do I do? - How hot is Brittany?
- Will you stop it, Vince? - (laughs)
You want me to come down there and move her out of your way?
Vince.
Look, E, how did you feel about that email thing?
Well, I feel violated.
Your instincts about Ashley from minute one
were that all signs pointed to crazy.
- I guess I need to end it. - I think you do.
I wasn't expecting so much math.
It is a business class, Turtle.
- Yeah. - But I think you're doing great.
- Thanks. See you Friday. - All right.
So wow, you and Jamie are like a real couple, huh?
- What did you think? - I don't know.
I mean, you see stuff in tabloids and never really know if it's true or not.
It is.
- That's too bad. - Yeah.
- Yo, Turtle. - Yo.
Is that Vincent Chase?
Yeah. Got to go.
- Who are you? - I'm Turtle.
See you later.
What up?
- That the girl? - Yup.
- She's cute. - Yup.
You all right?
I'm in the middle of a serious love triangle, Vin.
- It's never happened to me before. - It's nice, isn't it?
No, it's not nice. It's freaking me out.
- Ari. - Yeah?
- A Johnny Chase is here for you. - Hey, Drama, what's happening?
Not much. Thought I'd come by and see my new agent.
Ah.
Look, if you're busy I can come back.
Yeah, I've got a stack of scripts.
- You want to grab lunch? - Lunch?
- My treat. - No, I-I can't grab lunch.
I understand.
Maybe tomorrow.
Or dinner. Or breakfast.
Is there something you want to talk about?
Do you like me, Ari?
You're freaking me out, Drama.
- Do you think I'm talented? - Are you having a breakdown?
No, seriously. I want to know.
Yes, I think you are talented.
- What have you liked me in? - Okay, what is this about?
I want to know why you want to sign me.
Did Lloyd call you?
He couldn't have possibly made an impression.
- He believes in me. - He is a child.
- But he believes in me. - So do I.
- Do you? - Yes.
Or do you hate him so much
that you'd take me to spite him?
- Drama... - Just answer me, Ari.
Do you believe in my talent? Because this is my life.
What you did for me today was amazing.
I'll never forget it. If you really want me here, I'm here.
But you've got to be honest with me.
You've got to look me in the face and tell me that you believe in my talent
or you've got to let me go.
Go.
But it's because I like you, all right.
And believe me, that little prick's gonna have plenty of time to take care of you.
- Thank you, Ari. - Good luck to you, Drama.
And tell that man of yours to keep his eyes pinned wide open
'cause I'm gonna be gunning for him.
I will.
All right, Lloyd, I'll sign with you.
Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!
- Calm down, Lloyd. - I can't.
We're gonna make magic together, Johnny Drama.
Let me just please get this show.
You will. I believe in you, Johnny Drama!
- I believe! - Thanks, Lloyd. Later.
Thank you.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Sorry I'm late. - No problem.
- I got stuck on a conference call. - That's okay.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
I wanted to talk to you too.
Can I go first?
Yeah, sure. Go ahead.
- (phone rings) - Sorry.
That's okay.
I feel awful.
I should not have asked you to show me your emails.
It's just that if we're going to have a relationship...
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Oh.
I think part of the reason you're feeling insecure...
- (phone rings) - Sorry about that.
I thought I turned this thing off.
Ahem. I think part of the reason that you're feeling insecure
is because I'm not totally there.
Are you breaking up with me?
It's just not a good time for me right now, Ashley.
But this morning you felt different?
- (phone vibrating) - Who is that?
Calm down. It's just my office.
- Just your assistant, you mean. - Yeah, she does work for me.
And what else does she do for you?
Is that what this is really about?
I was right, wasn't I?
She wants you and you like it.
- (phone vibrating) - Answer the phone if not.
- Let's hear you talk to her. - No.
- Why, 'cause you're lying? - Because it's not even her.
- Who is it then, Sloan? - Would you calm down, please?
Don't tell me to calm down. Just tell me who it is!
It's my aunt. Are you happy? Look.
- I'm sorry. - I should go.
- Please don't. - There's nothing left to talk about.
I can't believe this.
You know, you are really a piece-of-shit liar.
You love fucking with me, don't you? You just said this morning
you wanted to be exclusive so you could use me and pull this shit now.
I can't believe I fell for your nice-guy act.
You are really sick.
- I'm sorry you feel that way. - And I'm sorry you're a douchebag.
Look, I didn't lie to you about anything.
I actually liked you.
But you show up at the premiere uninvited,
you check my phone, you listen to my messages,
you want my emails.
You say you're not crazy, but all signs point to the contrary.
I'm sorry.
Hey, anything important? I was just eating dinner.
Brittany: She ask to see blood samples?
- No. - You sound sad.
- I broke up with her. - Oh.
- Come meet me for a drink. - I don't think that's such a good idea.
Eric, don't be ridiculous. I'm not after you.
But I've got a couple of cute friends who might be.
- And you're sad. - I'm not sad.
Okay.
- Are your friends cute? - My friends are hot.
- Maybe call some of your friends? - Okay.
We're at the Green Door. Hurry up.
I'll see you in 15 minutes.
(dance music playing)
This time you're doing single right, E.
- Like you? - You know it, son.
Some people actually like being in a relationship.
Indeed. Love is underrated.
- What? - No, it's...
I just broke up with someone recently and I'm feeling pretty miserable.
- He was a prick. - Loser.
Yeah.
- If you're looking for a rebound... - I'm not.
(laughs)
- I'm not either. - (laughing)
So how do you think E will last on the open market?
Nine days.
I think someone will pick him off pretty quickly.
Not me. I'm a career gal.
Which means you don't look at her either, Vince.
No one goes near my assistant. You hear that, Drama?
Don't worry, I'm on a no-sex-till-l-book- "Melrose" thing anyway.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'm kidding.
- (phone ringing) - Speaking of girlfriends.
You guys mind keeping it down?
She's being a little jealous lately.
Hey, babe. You ready for me to pick you up?
Yeah, but my agent just called me.
- Did you get the role? - Not that one.
But they offered me the lead in another series.
That's great. Is it good?
- It's great. - That's awesome.
But it shoots in New Zealand.
(pop music playing)