1
00:00:03,770 --> 00:00:05,772
You actually think the Mets
have a shot this year?
2
00:00:05,774 --> 00:00:07,640
You're an idiot, Madison.
I'm an idiot?
3
00:00:07,642 --> 00:00:10,210
You waited on hold
for an hour and ten minutes
4
00:00:10,212 --> 00:00:12,345
just for me to hang up
on you mid-sentence.
5
00:00:12,347 --> 00:00:14,247
What are you
talking about? You...
6
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:16,649
Never gets old.
7
00:00:16,651 --> 00:00:18,151
Well, it looks like
8
00:00:18,153 --> 00:00:19,185
we're out of time.
9
00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:20,086
I'm Oscar Madison.
10
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,188
Thanks for listening.
11
00:00:22,190 --> 00:00:24,190
Another great show.
12
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:27,127
Yep, another show.
13
00:00:27,129 --> 00:00:28,228
God, I love working
14
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:30,597
from my apartment.
15
00:00:30,599 --> 00:00:32,665
Yeah, it's a treat for us all.
16
00:00:34,201 --> 00:00:37,137
I confirmed your
interview with Kobe...
17
00:00:37,139 --> 00:00:39,205
Please.
18
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:42,175
...I told your ex-wife to wait
a day before cashing the check,
19
00:00:42,177 --> 00:00:45,311
and I told your bookie
you're dead.
20
00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:47,680
Thank you, Dani. You're
the world's greatest assistant.
21
00:00:47,682 --> 00:00:49,149
Now, get out.
22
00:00:49,151 --> 00:00:50,550
Hot Casey
23
00:00:50,552 --> 00:00:52,485
from downstairs
might be stopping by.
24
00:00:52,487 --> 00:00:54,220
So you moved from flirting
in the elevator
25
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:56,322
to an actual date?
Sort of.
26
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,058
I sneaked some of my mail
into her mailbox
27
00:00:58,060 --> 00:00:59,559
to force her
to come by the apartment.
28
00:00:59,561 --> 00:01:01,428
Aw. All the great
romances start
29
00:01:01,430 --> 00:01:03,430
with the words
"sneak" and "forced."
30
00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:05,265
See you tomorrow.
31
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,643
(doorbell rings)
32
00:01:21,082 --> 00:01:23,216
Hello, Oscar Madison.
Casey!
33
00:01:23,218 --> 00:01:24,451
What brings you here?
34
00:01:24,453 --> 00:01:26,286
Um, some of your mail
35
00:01:26,288 --> 00:01:28,588
mysteriously found its way
into my mailbox.
36
00:01:28,590 --> 00:01:30,323
What?!
What?!
37
00:01:30,325 --> 00:01:31,724
Oh, yeah, Sportscasters
Hall of Fame.
38
00:01:31,726 --> 00:01:33,159
Mm-hmm.
That's me.
39
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,161
Hmm.
I don't like to
talk about it,
40
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,330
but I'm in the
Sportscasters Hall of Fame.
41
00:01:37,332 --> 00:01:40,467
So what's the next step
of this little mail trick?
42
00:01:40,469 --> 00:01:43,103
I don't know. I've never
gotten this far before.
43
00:01:43,105 --> 00:01:44,571
Can I offer you a drink?
44
00:01:44,573 --> 00:01:46,539
Sure. Why not?
45
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,410
Wow. So this is where
the garbage chute goes.
46
00:01:50,412 --> 00:01:51,444
(doorbell rings)
47
00:01:51,446 --> 00:01:52,679
Let me guess,
48
00:01:52,681 --> 00:01:54,581
another neighbor with your mail.
49
00:01:54,583 --> 00:01:56,683
No. You are the only woman
in the building
50
00:01:56,685 --> 00:01:58,284
I'm stalking, I promise.
51
00:01:58,286 --> 00:01:59,252
Aw.
52
00:02:01,255 --> 00:02:02,755
Hello, Oscar.
53
00:02:02,757 --> 00:02:04,357
Felix! What a surprise.
54
00:02:04,359 --> 00:02:06,192
Casey, this is my old
friend Felix Unger.
55
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,727
Hi.
I'm sorry.
56
00:02:07,729 --> 00:02:09,295
Is this...
this is a bad time?
57
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,364
No, it's a good time,
about to be a great time,
58
00:02:11,366 --> 00:02:12,599
so yes, it's a bad time.
59
00:02:12,601 --> 00:02:15,435
Unless this is
a major crisis.
60
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:18,238
(choked up):
Ashley kicked me out.
61
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,405
She wants a divorce.
62
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:22,442
20 years of marriage,
and I have nothing.
63
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,713
And that feels like a
major crisis to you?
64
00:02:26,715 --> 00:02:28,781
I should have called.
65
00:02:28,783 --> 00:02:31,217
No, no, don't be
ridiculous. Casey,
66
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,785
can we have that drink
some other time?
67
00:02:32,787 --> 00:02:34,154
Of course.
68
00:02:34,156 --> 00:02:36,256
Um, I'm so sorry, Felix.
69
00:02:36,258 --> 00:02:37,757
Stay strong.
70
00:02:37,759 --> 00:02:39,392
I'm trying.
71
00:02:39,394 --> 00:02:41,861
But the pain
comes in waves.
72
00:02:41,863 --> 00:02:43,530
Surf's up!
73
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:49,903
Oh, Oscar,
74
00:02:49,905 --> 00:02:49,903
I... I'm sorry
I ruined your date.
75
00:02:49,905 --> 00:02:53,339
I just... I just didn't know
who else to turn to.
76
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,375
No, no, it's okay.
I know divorce is brutal.
77
00:02:55,377 --> 00:02:57,377
But it gets better,
buddy, trust me.
78
00:02:57,379 --> 00:02:58,645
This is better?
79
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,949
Well, when Gaby left,
she took the maid.
80
00:03:02,951 --> 00:03:04,951
Are you sure?
I think I saw something moving
81
00:03:04,953 --> 00:03:06,553
under that pile.
82
00:03:06,555 --> 00:03:08,221
You know what?
Let's get out of here.
83
00:03:08,223 --> 00:03:10,290
We'll go eat something, and
you can tell me the whole story.
84
00:03:10,292 --> 00:03:12,525
I can't tell you how much
it means to have some...
85
00:03:12,527 --> 00:03:14,527
(honking, snorting)
86
00:03:14,529 --> 00:03:15,728
(groans)
87
00:03:15,730 --> 00:03:17,697
(panting)
88
00:03:17,699 --> 00:03:19,232
What the hell are you doing?
89
00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:20,466
(groans)
90
00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,435
Sorry, it's my sinuses.
I've got...
91
00:03:22,437 --> 00:03:23,970
(honks)
92
00:03:23,972 --> 00:03:26,406
(groans)
I must be allergic to something.
93
00:03:26,408 --> 00:03:28,241
Well, my neighbor
has a cat.
94
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:31,510
Yes, I'm sure that's it.
95
00:04:05,678 --> 00:04:07,346
Do I look like I've been crying?
96
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,514
No, you look
like you are crying.
97
00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:12,484
You're right,
I need to man up and be strong
98
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,786
to survive
this trial separation.
99
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:17,322
Trial separation? You were in
couples therapy for eight years,
100
00:04:17,324 --> 00:04:20,492
and the last year you were
the only one who was going.
101
00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,299
This is nice, Oscar.
I've missed you.
102
00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:29,501
I'm... I'm sorry I haven't been
around much the last year,
103
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,937
but it's just weird with our
wives being such good friends.
104
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,273
No, I know. Your wife
hated me after the divorce.
105
00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:36,742
(chuckles): Oh, no, she hated
you before the divorce.
106
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:39,745
After... look out!
107
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,316
Still, I should have been there
to help you with your pain.
108
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:45,984
What pain? The day
we signed the papers,
109
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,452
I threw myself
a two-day party.
110
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,288
I woke up covered
in bubble wrap.
111
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,990
A stripper had
to pop me out.
112
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,860
One bubble at a time.
113
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,595
A little bit of food
on your mouth.
114
00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:58,997
Now it's on your hand.
115
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:01,800
Where will it go next?
116
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,403
Felix, I'm just saying divorce
is not the end of the world.
117
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,905
Oscar, Oscar, I told you,
it's a trial separation.
118
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,807
Any minute now,
this phone is going to ring,
119
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:09,941
and it's going to be...
120
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:10,909
(phone chimes)
121
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,378
...Ashley.
122
00:05:13,380 --> 00:05:15,013
No.
123
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,715
Just an allergy alert.
124
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,717
But good news:
125
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:21,586
the pollen level has dropped
to a 2.3, so the mask...
126
00:05:21,588 --> 00:05:23,322
stays in my pocket.
127
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:26,024
Wow, and she left you.
128
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,828
I'm telling you, buddy,
being single together
129
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,763
is gonna be like college
all over again.
130
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,765
Remember that insane party
at the Theta Phi house?
131
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,435
That was the night that I knew
we were going to be friends.
132
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,903
Those guys were
giving me a rough time
133
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,638
about my Pep Squad
uniform, and you said,
134
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,506
"Leave him alone!
He's all right!"
135
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,009
Actually, I think I said,
"He's our ride."
136
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,677
But we had a great night,
137
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,846
and we'll have a lot
more because we're free.
138
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:49,114
I don't want to be free.
139
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,682
Give it time.
140
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,684
Look at this place.
You are now single
141
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,353
in the greatest
city in the world.
142
00:05:54,355 --> 00:05:55,754
This town is teeming
with women.
143
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:56,955
(car horn honks)
144
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,591
WOMAN: Hey! Move it, you
jackasses!
145
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:00,992
See? There's one.
146
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,861
Maybe not the one.
147
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,730
Well, thank you
for tonight, Oscar,
148
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,832
but it's getting late, and I
really should find a hotel.
149
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,834
Oh, don't be silly.
You'll stay with me.
150
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,669
Really? I wouldn't
want to impose.
151
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,437
Are you kidding?
We'll have fun.
152
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:13,939
Oh, thank you, Oscar.
153
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,574
You're a good friend.
154
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:18,777
I promise, you won't
even know I'm there.
155
00:06:33,459 --> 00:06:35,927
Oscar! Welcome home.
Great news.
156
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,796
I managed to save the ficus
out on the terrace.
157
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,431
Sadly, the same cannot
be said for whatever
158
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:42,067
was growing at the bottom
of your laundry hamper.
159
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,602
Now, then, take off
those sneakers,
160
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,103
grab some booties
from the bootie basket,
161
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,538
and wash up for dinner.
162
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,473
I won't tell you
what we're having...
163
00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:52,110
but dirty fingers
are a fon-don't.
164
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:55,547
I have a laundry hamper?
165
00:07:00,620 --> 00:07:02,454
Oh, yeah, this is nice.
I'm gonna get
166
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:03,789
a couple of these...
(mumbling)
167
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,557
Mm-hmm.
168
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,793
Teddy, are you filming
my sports ticker?
169
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,895
And your ten TVs.
170
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,630
The next time my wife
tells me I'm spending money
171
00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:15,133
like an idiot, I'm
gonna show her this.
172
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,035
You know what?
You should get a sports wall.
173
00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:19,571
You're my agent; tell Diane
you need one for work.
174
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,173
(laughs)
Oh, Oscar.
175
00:07:21,175 --> 00:07:24,576
You get a wife or a wall--
no man gets both.
176
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:26,745
(doorbell rings)
177
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:30,982
Hey, Roy.
Put your booties on.
178
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,050
What?
179
00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:35,687
What the hell happened in here?
180
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,556
Felix the hell happened in here.
181
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,591
You remember Felix;
he came to poker that time
182
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,026
and cleaned the cards.
183
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,028
While we were still playing.
184
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,863
ROY:
Oh. Right.
185
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,498
Yeah, my hands smelled
like ammonia.
186
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,167
My wife thought I was having
an affair with our maid.
187
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,836
Like I could get her.
188
00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:53,672
I am starving.
189
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:54,940
When is our pizza getting here?
190
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:56,942
It's not.
Felix insisted on cooking.
191
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,910
Hey, Felix!
How's the food coming?
192
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,046
I'm just plating it.
193
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,248
Roy, always a
pleasure. Teddy,
194
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,250
if you have to smoke that
cigar, please turn on
195
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,751
the air purifier.
(bell dings)
196
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:08,086
Oh. Gentlemen...
197
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,755
start your taste buds.
198
00:08:13,192 --> 00:08:17,996
I'm developing a little theory
about why his wife wasn't happy.
199
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,197
He's not gay.
200
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,032
Are you sure?
He seems a little gay.
201
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,134
No, he seems incredibly gay,
but he's not.
202
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,936
Ah.
203
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,672
That's a shame. I always
wanted to have a gay friend.
204
00:08:28,808 --> 00:08:31,176
You know, to just
seem more evolved.
205
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:35,046
You already have a black friend;
what are you trying to prove?
206
00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:37,182
FELIX: Teddy, I don't
hear that air purifier!
207
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,784
Oscar, where have you
been hiding this guy?
208
00:08:39,786 --> 00:08:41,887
And can we shove
him back in there?
209
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,055
I wish. We've been friends
for years, but I didn't know
210
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,690
what it'd be like
to live with him.
211
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:47,225
I'm starting to think
I made a mistake.
212
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:50,195
(snaps fingers)
Gazpacho time!
213
00:08:51,163 --> 00:08:53,732
A horrible,
horrible mistake.
214
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,901
Dig in, boys.
It's a vegan feast.
215
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,202
Try one of the meat-free
chicken wings.
216
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,570
If a chicken had no meat,
217
00:08:58,572 --> 00:09:00,839
it would just fall down
to the ground.
218
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:03,208
There's no meat in any of this?
Not even the meatballs?
219
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,809
(mouth full):
No. No, there is not.
220
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,945
(groans)
221
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:09,247
Well, I just thought,
with Oscar's high cholesterol...
222
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,916
How do you know my
cholesterol is high?
223
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,617
Based on those pills
in your medicine cabinet.
224
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:14,886
You went into my
medicine cabinet?
225
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,222
How else would I put down
shelf paper?
226
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:20,725
Teddy, I've warned you, twice.
227
00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,260
Hey! That's my beer!
228
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,262
You could have put that
in the gazpacho.
229
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,831
Come on, Roy, let's watch
the game at my place.
230
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:28,266
See you, Oscar.
231
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,168
Oh, guys, don't leave.
232
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,737
We can go without cigars for
one night. We'll live longer.
233
00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:36,341
You've met my wife;
why would I want to live longer?
234
00:09:41,113 --> 00:09:43,315
Where are the guys?
Did they leave?
235
00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:48,019
They didn't leave, they fled,
to a place called Nofelixstan!
236
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,155
Well, that's the last time
I cook for your friends.
237
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:51,690
(singsongy):
Thank God I bought Tupperware.
238
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:57,862
Felix, I'm trying
to remain calm here,
239
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:00,031
because I know
you can't help yourself.
240
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:04,002
Clearly, you were sent from
your planet to tidy up ours.
241
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,872
But you have to stop.
Stop what?
242
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:09,608
Everything--
the nagging, the cleaning,
243
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,976
the food-free food, the...
244
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,278
gazpacho time!
245
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,615
So, in other words,
I'm getting on your nerves.
246
00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,984
Not in other words;
those are the perfect ones!
247
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:18,984
Come here.
248
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:22,253
Take a look at what you did
to my sports ticker.
249
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,255
"We're out of
corn flakes-- F.U."
250
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:27,892
"Pick up your socks-- F.U."
251
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:32,397
It took me two days to figure
out that F.U. was Felix Unger!
252
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,202
Well, I've got something
to get off of my chest, too.
253
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:40,205
When I was at the lowest point
in my life, you took me in,
254
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,973
you showed me the true
nature of friendship,
255
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,975
and I will never
forget that!
256
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,977
What the hell was that?
You don't even know
257
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,178
how to fight right!
258
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:49,681
That said, it is no picnic
259
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,017
living with an inconsiderate
slob who is so lazy
260
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,852
that his idea
of multitasking
261
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,254
is peeing in the shower!
262
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,156
Have you been watching me?
263
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,725
Yes, I have been watching you,
and you know what I see?
264
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:04,062
A man who is marinating
in sex and booze and filth
265
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,197
because he can't admit
how much he misses his wife.
266
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,333
You, sir, are in denial!
267
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,402
Oh, I'm in denial,
Mr. Trial Separation?
268
00:11:10,404 --> 00:11:12,937
At least I admit
that Gaby's not coming back,
269
00:11:12,939 --> 00:11:14,939
instead of thinking
that Ashley's just gonna
270
00:11:14,941 --> 00:11:16,775
magically change her mind.
271
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,177
(phone chimes)
272
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,780
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look who just texted me.
273
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,249
Does that say "Ashley"
or is it magic?
274
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:26,851
Please tell me
she's taking you back.
275
00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,387
Oh, it's a phone number.
276
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:31,956
For a lawyer.
277
00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:34,392
Who will be representing
her in our divorce.
278
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:38,263
Aw, I'm... I'm sorry, buddy.
279
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,132
Well, look at me.
280
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,468
Rock-bottom and I am
still standing on my feet.
281
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:45,203
(doorbell rings)
282
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,807
Nope, trapdoor!
Here comes the abyss!
283
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,875
(crying)
284
00:11:54,346 --> 00:11:55,447
Hey, Casey. What's up?
285
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:56,815
Hey, I got your message.
286
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:57,949
I can't do dinner tomorrow.
287
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,350
I promised I'd hang out
with my sister.
288
00:11:59,352 --> 00:11:59,350
Well, bring her along.
289
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:01,886
I'll bring Felix. We can double.
290
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,221
Uh, I can't do that to Felix.
291
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,355
Emily's going through
a tough time.
292
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,458
She can get so emotional
and high-strung.
293
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:11,262
(sobbing):
Why?!
294
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:14,265
Why?!
295
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,335
So you want to say 7:00?
It's a date.
296
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,437
Great.
297
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:24,342
(playing somber song)
298
00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:32,751
I'm sorry.
Is this bothering you?
299
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:34,219
I'd choose a piece
more to your liking,
300
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,387
but it's hard
to play porn on a cello.
301
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,224
Felix, I'm sorry
about last night.
302
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:41,392
Let's start over.
Let me take you out to dinner.
303
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,161
Really?
Yeah, just you and me.
304
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:45,096
(doorbell rings)
And Casey and her sister.
305
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,798
A date? I'm not
ready to date.
306
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,800
Well, get ready
because they're here.
307
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,401
And if you back out now,
it'll be rude.
308
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,937
And if I know Felix Unger,
he's never rude.
309
00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,973
Damn you.
310
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,976
Just do me a favor
and don't cry in front of Casey
311
00:12:57,978 --> 00:13:00,044
and kill the mood.
312
00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:07,352
Casey, welcome.
Where's your sister?
313
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:10,388
She's right... Get in here.
314
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,090
Hi, you must be Emily.
315
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:15,093
I am Emily. And, yes,
we came from the same gene pool.
316
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,828
Thanks, nature.
317
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:21,166
Hi, you must be Felix.
318
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,167
A pleasure.
319
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:24,169
Well, you seem very nice,
320
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:26,004
but just so you know,
I'm only here
321
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:28,506
because my sister wanted me
to get out more.
322
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:32,343
Well, I'm only here because
my wife wanted me to get out.
323
00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,415
Look at you two, hitting it off.
I'll go make us some drinks.
324
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,350
Good idea.
I'll give you a hand.
325
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,052
Great.
326
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:42,954
I can't stay out late.
327
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:45,056
I was up all night
with an ear infection.
328
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,391
Understood.
329
00:13:46,393 --> 00:13:48,259
Sinuses.
330
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,494
Well, if you need
a specialist,
331
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:52,197
I've got a great guy
on West 58th.
332
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:54,265
Dr. Marshall?
333
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,301
Oh, my God,
do you go to him?
334
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:59,170
Are you kidding me? This nose
bought him his summer home.
335
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,074
Look, Oscar,
I really do like you...
336
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:05,510
Ooh, never a good start
to a conversation.
337
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:06,978
So...
338
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,279
let me be honest with you.
339
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:09,380
Getting worse.
340
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:11,382
I have a busy career.
341
00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:13,985
I just broke up with a guy who
was super needy and emotional,
342
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:16,154
and I live with my sister, who
is super needy and emotional,
343
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,455
and I can't break up with her,
344
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:20,191
so all I'm looking
for right now is...
345
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,526
Friendship.
Sex.
346
00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:28,499
I'd like to change my answer.
347
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:31,402
It's just, that's all
I can handle right now.
348
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,438
I will not give you more
than you can handle.
349
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:39,077
I'd like to change
my answer again, please.
350
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,246
(talking quietly)
351
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,482
Felix was just telling me
about the end of his marriage.
352
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,251
Oh, that's fun.
353
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,620
What are you doing?
354
00:14:48,622 --> 00:14:51,189
She asked.
She's divorced, too.
355
00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,657
Yeah, six months.
356
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:56,628
So, this is
my ex-husband, Brandon.
357
00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:59,497
Mm. I see you like them
rugged and handsome.
358
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,533
Turns out, so did Brandon.
359
00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:07,071
Do you have
any pictures of Ashley?
360
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,073
Do I have pictures? Are you
kidding? I'm a photographer.
361
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,276
I have an entire slideshow
set to the music of Enya.
362
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,343
Oh.
363
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,613
Pictures of Ashley?
Are you crazy?
364
00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:17,015
You trying to make
yourself cry?
365
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,284
Oh, please.
Give me some credit.
366
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,185
Don't you dare ruin this for
me and that beautiful girl...
367
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:22,186
Where did she go?
368
00:15:22,188 --> 00:15:24,255
I knew it was
too good to be true.
369
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,990
Where's Casey?
370
00:15:25,992 --> 00:15:29,427
Oh. She's in the bathroom
throwing up.
371
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,029
(laughs):
I'm just kidding.
372
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,597
She is in the bathroom.
373
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:35,366
And she eats a lot
and still looks like that, so...
374
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,569
only two dots to connect here.
375
00:15:40,205 --> 00:15:42,941
This is Ashley.
Lovely, isn't she?
376
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:44,642
She's very pretty.
Mm.
377
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:47,645
Aw, look at you two, walking
on the beach so happy.
378
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:48,947
Yeah, kicked off my shoes,
379
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,281
rolled up
my summer-weight slacks,
380
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,549
wrinkles be damned.
(chuckles)
381
00:15:53,185 --> 00:15:54,218
And who's this?
382
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,520
That is Oscar's ex-wife Gaby.
383
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,388
The four of us went
to Hawaii together.
384
00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,490
Have you ever seen
these pictures?
No, I haven't.
385
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:00,959
And I don't need
to see them now.
386
00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:02,226
Please put them away.
You know what,
387
00:16:02,228 --> 00:16:03,528
I can actually
sync them up to the TV.
388
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,496
No syncing. Don't sync.
No syncing.
389
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:08,466
No sync... Oh, my good God!
390
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:08,466
Aw.
391
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,569
Oscar, you and your
wife look so happy.
392
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:14,038
Oh, oh, oh. Look, Oscar,
there's the seashell.
393
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,474
That's how Oscar proposed
to Gaby. Tell Emily the story.
394
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,608
Nothing to tell.
395
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,410
Oh, it-it's so romantic.
396
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,746
He wrote "Will you marry me?"
on a seashell.
397
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,215
No, I wrote
"Please let me make you happy
398
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,251
for the rest of your life"
and then hid it on the beach.
399
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,621
And there's Oscar telling us
they're engaged.
400
00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,224
I must've walked her past
that seashell 20 times.
401
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,293
And then when she finally
saw it, it was all smudged,
402
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,161
so I had to read it to her.
403
00:16:39,064 --> 00:16:42,567
And she just threw her arms
around me and...
404
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:45,536
It was a great day.
405
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,139
Aw, Oscar, look at you.
406
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,474
You're crying.
407
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,610
No, I'm not.
408
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,278
Oscar?
409
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,646
Hey, what's going on?
410
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,648
Uh, Oscar's getting
a little emotional.
411
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,417
He's thinking
about his ex-wife.
412
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,019
No, no, no, I'm not.
413
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:03,521
Um, I could use
another drink.
414
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,656
Em, come help me.
415
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,627
Are you kidding me?
416
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,629
All she wanted was sex
with no feeling.
417
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,631
That's my skill set!
418
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,633
Can't you see?
This is a good thing.
419
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:18,236
You're finally confronting
your emotions about Gaby.
420
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,038
There is a beautiful person
inside you.
421
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:23,041
Well, I was about to be
inside a beautiful person!
422
00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:25,410
You're having
a major breakthrough.
423
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:26,811
Don't stop. Let it all out.
424
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,180
You know what, let me cue up
your wedding video.
425
00:17:29,182 --> 00:17:30,681
No, give me that. Give me that.
No. So you can erase
my pictures? No. Never.
426
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,350
No. No. Sir.
Give me it. Give me
it. Give me it.
427
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,352
Oh, God.
The guy is looking
428
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,754
at pictures of his
ex-wife and crying.
429
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,390
Is this the most awkward
date you've ever been on?
430
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:43,361
Well, on our third anniversary,
Brandon made out with a busboy.
431
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,130
So... no.
432
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:47,665
(clattering)
433
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:48,733
FELIX:
Ah!
434
00:17:50,536 --> 00:17:51,702
(gasps)
435
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,604
Oh, my God. What happened?
436
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,540
He told me to let go,
so I did.
437
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,775
With no warning, and I cracked
my head on the coffee table.
438
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,277
What's wrong with you?
439
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,278
Felix, are you okay?
440
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:01,712
I'm concussed.
441
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,681
I know I'm concussed.
442
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,850
Oh, you're fine.
Just walk it off.
443
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:09,487
I will. All the way to a hotel.
444
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,289
No, you are not staying
at a hotel.
445
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,124
Yeah, spend the night
with us.
446
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:16,661
What?! You're on a date with me
and he gets to spend the night?
447
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,230
Yeah, we will have a much
better time with just Felix.
448
00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,132
(honking loudly)
449
00:18:21,134 --> 00:18:24,702
If you think that sound stops
when he falls asleep,
450
00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:25,837
it doesn't!
451
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:43,354
Hello, Oscar.
I just came for my things.
452
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:44,789
You look dreadful.
453
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:49,694
Well, I slept out here
last night. Look,
454
00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:53,164
I like to make jokes and pretend
I'm happy my marriage ended,
455
00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,166
but you were right.
456
00:18:55,168 --> 00:18:57,735
I've just spent the last year
of my life distracting myself
457
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,805
from the truth, which is...
458
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,673
I miss Gaby.
459
00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:05,510
And then you came along and...
460
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:08,846
I want somebody who cares
about when I take my vitamins.
461
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,382
F.U.
462
00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:17,788
Well, I had two chardonnays
and a cherry Nyquil last night,
463
00:19:17,790 --> 00:19:20,424
so I'm a bit
of a wreck myself.
464
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:25,196
But it dawned on me that you are
the second person in a week
465
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,765
to tell me that I am
impossible to live with.
466
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,736
So, if I don't want to spend
the rest of my life alone,
467
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:35,940
I think I might need someone to
teach me to loosen up a little.
468
00:19:37,309 --> 00:19:40,211
Felix? Hey, we came
to see if you're okay.
469
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,213
Also, we can't find anything
in the kitchen
470
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:44,282
since you reorganized it.
471
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,452
It's not alphabetical,
it's by region.
472
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:50,788
I'm fine.
473
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:54,392
In fact, I think I'm gonna be
staying here with Oscar.
474
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,826
You are?
475
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,795
Yes. This is his home now.
476
00:19:57,797 --> 00:20:00,231
Aw, I'm so happy for you guys.
477
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,868
(quietly):
Blink if you're being coerced.
478
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,537
I've got a great idea. Why don't
I make up for last night
479
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,972
and take you all out
for breakfast.
480
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:09,473
Thanks, Oscar.
Ooh.
481
00:20:09,475 --> 00:20:12,410
I know this great place.
Best omelets in town.
482
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,478
Oh. Hi. I think some of
your mail ended up in my...
483
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,980
Not now, not now, not now.
484
00:20:26,858 --> 00:20:30,261
Wow, that's a
lot of Lycra.
485
00:20:31,830 --> 00:20:33,397
Not enough but a lot.
486
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:35,666
Just doing my daily yoga.
487
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,301
I find it really centers me.
488
00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:39,470
Otherwise, I would be
an uptight basket case.
489
00:20:40,505 --> 00:20:41,539
Care to join me?
490
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,007
No, I'm going out for a run.
491
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:45,443
Really?
Well, a beer run.
492
00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,278
But I'm gonna
walk to the cab.
493
00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:49,614
Oscar, as your roommate,
I'm putting you on notice.
494
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,250
I'm not just going
to purify your apartment,
495
00:20:52,252 --> 00:20:55,486
but also your
body, your mind,
496
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,356
and your soul.
497
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:02,260
Thanks, buddy.
498
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:03,594
Here, hold that.
499
00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,832
Oscar, is that coffee?
I just cleaned the rug!
500
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,700
Better not move.
501
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,769
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