1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,303
FELIX (from other room):
Oh, yes.<i> Yes.</i> Oh, yes.

2
00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:06,338
Oh, yes. Yeah,
that's it, that's it.

3
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,406
Almost there.

4
00:00:07,408 --> 00:00:09,241
Oh, God, yes!

5
00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,745
Yes...

6
00:00:12,747 --> 00:00:15,014
that's the spot.

7
00:00:15,016 --> 00:00:19,318
I thought I heard sex noises,
but this is equally disturbing.

8
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,021
I'm shooting an ad campaign
for a restaurant chain.

9
00:00:22,023 --> 00:00:23,288
Wouldn't you like to try
this delicious sundae?

10
00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,724
I'd love to.
You can't.

11
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,726
It's not edible--
it's a little bit

12
00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:29,728
of food-styling trickery.
You see,

13
00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,430
the ice cream is
actually just lard,

14
00:00:31,432 --> 00:00:33,432
and the chocolate
sauce is motor oil.

15
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,667
Later, I have to dispose
of the sundae at Pep Boys.

16
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:38,704
This is so exciting.
I love learning

17
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,539
all the little behind-the-scenes
tricks.

18
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,342
If you really find
it interesting, I
could use some help.

19
00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,310
I have some money in the budget.
Do you think Oscar

20
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:46,545
could spare his assistant
for the day?

21
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:47,746
This is actually my day off.

22
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,515
I'm just here
for the free Wi-Fi.

23
00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,316
Great! You can help me
with the hamburger photo.

24
00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:52,518
Oh.

25
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,686
Step one: select
the perfect bun.

26
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:57,322
Now, our featured bun
must be perfectly symmetrical

27
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:58,824
with a golden crust.

28
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,826
Okay.

29
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,594
It doesn't shy away
from attention, but it knows

30
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,796
it's not the center
of the sandwich.

31
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,298
Got it. Oh!

32
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:10,536
It's the kind of bun
that's comfortable at a bar,
or a Bar Mitzvah.

33
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:14,139
I'm done.
Yeah, you can talk all you
want-- you're paying me.

34
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,375
That I am.

35
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,444
Good luck.
Oh!

36
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,780
Oh, gentlemen.
Welcome home.

37
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:24,249
How was
Atlantic City?
It was all kind of a blur.

38
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:26,785
Lots of drinking and gambling
and bouncers shouting,

39
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,121
"No touching!"

40
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,257
When I drink bourbon, I like
to touch people's... teeth.

41
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:35,160
At least you
got to drink.

42
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:37,129
This juice cleanse
is killing me.

43
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,431
It's killing all of us--
you smell like a hamster cage.

44
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,635
All right, Oscar, it's time
for me to be your agent again.

45
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:45,804
You had your fun,
but now it's time to...

46
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:48,107
Drink beer in my underwear?

47
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:50,142
Sit your ass down
and start writing that book.

48
00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:52,578
Wow, I wasn't even close.

49
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,246
Oscar, you're writing
another book? That's wonderful.

50
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:56,181
Oh, it's no big deal--
I'm just ghostwriting

51
00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,484
this autobiography
for a retired baseball player.

52
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,886
I just crank 'em out
and make some fast cash.

53
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,421
Oh, yeah,
he does work fast.

54
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,722
He goes through those books

55
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:07,192
like seaweed
through a human colon.

56
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:09,428
I miss solid food so much.

57
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,498
Yeah, I could use a nap.
Do you mind if I crash here?

58
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,766
My wife thinks I'm still
in Atlantic City, and...

59
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:17,503
I'd like to keep it that way.

60
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:19,622
I'm gonna be kind of busy, Roy.

61
00:02:19,623 --> 00:02:21,740
Yeah, okay. You know, I can...
I can just sleep in the park.

62
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,175
Yeah.
At the park,

63
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,910
no one nags you,
or says they've lost

64
00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:27,913
all sexual desire
because your body feels,

65
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:32,284
quote, "like a bag of wet sand
dipped in hair."

66
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:34,853
Take a nap here, Roy.

67
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,522
All right.

68
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,590
Your friend drops
an emotional bomb like that

69
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:40,359
and you just let him walk away?

70
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,927
That's the polite
thing to do.
Absolutely.

71
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,929
Can't you see,
he's got some

72
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,764
deep-seated feelings
that need to be dug into.

73
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,867
No, no, no, no. Don't dig.
You always do that.

74
00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,602
What are you talking about?
You treat every conversation

75
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:51,937
like it's therapy.

76
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:52,938
You root around
people's heads

77
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,606
and get them
all mixed up.

78
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,408
(chuckles):
18 therapists
in 15 years--

79
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,610
I think I know
a little bit
about psychology.

80
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:03,682
Not everybody wants
to share the painful
details of their lives.

81
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,217
Oh, really?

82
00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:08,187
Heard of Facebook?

83
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,923
I found the perfect buns.

84
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:12,291
I thought it was your day off?

85
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,792
I'm helping Felix
with a project.

86
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,794
Ah, yes, Dani, very nice.
I like this one.

87
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,196
Now we just have
to modulate

88
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:18,497
the clumping
of these sesame seeds.

89
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:20,365
Why have they all
congregated over here?

90
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,434
What do these seeds know
that these seeds don't know?

91
00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:25,637
I will get you tweezers.

92
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:28,874
And I will get you pliers

93
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,276
to remove the stick
from his ass.

94
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,372
There he is.
Hey, Murph.

95
00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:01,740
I see you brought
some writing juice.

96
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,909
Yeah. Sorry I'm late.

97
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,644
This girl recognized me
at the liquor store.

98
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,446
Guess she's a big baseball fan.

99
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,449
So I had to stop and do the
whole polite meet a fan thing.

100
00:04:10,451 --> 00:04:11,617
You slept with her.

101
00:04:11,619 --> 00:04:13,552
Yeah.

102
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,821
Marcus Murphy does not
kiss and tell.

103
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,889
Well, she does.
It's trending on Twitter.

104
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:21,460
"Made it to home base
with Marcus Murphy.

105
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:25,897
#bestsexever #majorleaguepenis."

106
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,733
Hey, it was a team effort.

107
00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,269
We're all just out there trying
to have the best sex we can.

108
00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:32,537
Or any sex we can.

109
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:34,840
So, how's our book coming?

110
00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:36,441
Great. I haven't
started it yet,

111
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,577
but I know everything there is
to know about your career.

112
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:40,846
Seven all-star teams,
three Gold Gloves,

113
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:43,348
two sex tapes;
both went platinum.

114
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:44,750
Yeah.

115
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,951
I can't take all the credit.

116
00:04:45,953 --> 00:04:48,520
Those girls showed
a lot of hustle.

117
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:50,622
Just passing through. Hello.

118
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:51,990
Pretend I'm not here.

119
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:53,358
Murph, this is Felix.

120
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:54,993
He's not here.

121
00:04:54,995 --> 00:04:56,662
What are you, some kind
of photographer?

122
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:59,431
Hmm, technically, I am many
kinds of photographer.

123
00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,401
Currently, I am doing
some commercial work.

124
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,002
Although, my first love
is portraiture,

125
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:06,505
or as I call it,
illuminating the soul.

126
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:09,074
He's gonna keep talking as long

127
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:10,676
as you keep making eye contact.

128
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,445
Yes, any portrait can tell you
what a person looks like,

129
00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,380
but by manipulating color
and light and shadow,

130
00:05:15,382 --> 00:05:18,950
I can tell you who a person<i> is.</i>

131
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:21,386
Whoa. Whoa, hey, Oscar,

132
00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:23,355
don't we need a picture
of me for the book flap?

133
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,357
I'm thinking casual setting,
natural light.

134
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,693
Felix, I have a deadline.

135
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:28,960
I can't keep wasting time.

136
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,429
(phone chimes)
I've got work to do.

137
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,397
Oh, there's my lunch.

138
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,100
All right,
you guys have ten minutes.

139
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,968
Oh, no,
I've got to call my bookie.

140
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,437
You guys have 20 minutes!

141
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,505
Just see what
I'm working with here.

142
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,540
Oh, yes, yes.

143
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,475
Structure's good. Okay.

144
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,377
Photoshop will take care of that
little scar on the earlobe.

145
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,379
How can you see that?
It's so tiny.

146
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,980
Oh, as a professional,
I'm trained to notice

147
00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,382
the most minute detail.

148
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,616
In fact, tell whoever
gave you that hickey

149
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:52,818
she's got a loose crown.

150
00:05:54,488 --> 00:05:56,655
Pickup for Madison.

151
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:57,956
Oh, hey, neighbor.

152
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,092
I thought this might be for you.
Yep.

153
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:03,028
I'm sure you're wondering
why I got a job here.

154
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,530
Not really.

155
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,133
Well, my jewelry business
hasn't really taken off yet.

156
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:10,469
You know, it started
as just a-a hobby,

157
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:12,404
something I did for "mad money."

158
00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,573
But now I need to make
"rent money,"

159
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,508
so... (chuckles) look at me!

160
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:17,843
I'm a working girl.

161
00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:19,911
Scrappy working girl
in the city.

162
00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:22,848
Plus, it's free advertising
for my designs.

163
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,149
So it's all good.

164
00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,851
No, it's all great.

165
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,019
I'm sorry, what did you ask?

166
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,154
I didn't.

167
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,522
Oh.

168
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,090
Oh, I forgot your utensils.

169
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,592
I will be right back.

170
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:34,726
Oh!

171
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,598
Living the dream.

172
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:40,999
(shutter clicking)
Yeah, that's it, that's it.

173
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,567
Back straight, chin out,
like a proud meerkat.

174
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:43,435
Yes, yes.

175
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,536
Who's that coming?

176
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:45,670
Oh, it's my friend the gazelle.

177
00:06:45,672 --> 00:06:47,572
Yeah?

178
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,941
Huh, that is
an interesting expression.

179
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,577
Uh, sorry, I just don't know
what a gazelle looks like,

180
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,513
so I'm picturing a skinny moose.

181
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,415
No, it's not that.

182
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:57,916
It just, it looks like
you're pondering something.

183
00:06:57,918 --> 00:06:59,918
I guess I'm thinking
about the book.

184
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,586
What about it?

185
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:02,921
I don't know.
It just seems so weird

186
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,589
to have your whole life

187
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,191
boiled down to stats
and game scores.

188
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,459
Yes.

189
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,194
Interesting.
Anyone ever tell you

190
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:10,962
that you have unexpected depth?

191
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,564
My English teacher, Ms. Russell,

192
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:14,132
said something like that
in high school.

193
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,967
At first, I thought she was just
trying to get into my pants,

194
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,936
but it turns out,
she also liked my poetry.

195
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,704
Poet, I knew it.

196
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:20,939
The camera does not lie.

197
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,607
Ah, I messed around
a little bit.

198
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,676
I really enjoyed it,
but my dad said it was stupid,

199
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,645
and that I had to focus
on baseball.

200
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,847
Yeah, so you spent hours
training, sacrificing.

201
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,650
All to make your father happy,
but no one ever asked

202
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:32,818
what made you happy.

203
00:07:32,820 --> 00:07:34,653
This is spooky.

204
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,488
It's like you're right
inside here.

205
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,190
Quick, what animal
am I thinking of?

206
00:07:38,192 --> 00:07:39,491
I'm not a psychic.

207
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,625
A meerkat.

208
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,627
We just talked about them.

209
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,062
Look, the point is,

210
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,697
baseball is only a small part
of who you are.

211
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,699
Yeah, exactly.
I wrote a bunch of poems

212
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,900
about breaking up
with my first girlfriend,

213
00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:50,135
Ms. Nicholson.

214
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,204
My math teacher.

215
00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:55,073
We had very different
high school experiences.

216
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:57,209
But I would love
to hear those poems.

217
00:07:57,211 --> 00:07:58,577
Nah, nah.

218
00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,711
It's embarrassing.

219
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,979
Oh, please, Murph,

220
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,214
this is a safe place.

221
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:05,617
I am zipping us into a tent

222
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:09,821
of unconditional
emotional support.

223
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,656
Go ahead, I'm listening.

224
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,960
Careful.

225
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:17,095
Oh, here you go.

226
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,631
Sorry for the delay.
Oh, no need to explain.

227
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,133
My manager insisted
I remake your sandwiches.

228
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,969
You're explaining.
And, apparently,

229
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,071
it comes out of my paycheck,
but that's okay.

230
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:29,708
Only three more hours
till I break even for today.

231
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:33,645
So don't feel the need to
over tip because we're friends.

232
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,514
Okay.

233
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:38,683
Or because I gave you
free onion rings.

234
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,019
No comps; that's coming
out of your paycheck.

235
00:08:42,756 --> 00:08:46,124
Learning through failure!

236
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:49,694
My dad said poetry
was for losers.

237
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,663
He even threw my notebook
in the trash.

238
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:55,267
Interesting.

239
00:08:55,269 --> 00:08:57,869
But I wasn't allowed to cry,
so I just kept hitting baseballs

240
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,704
harder and harder
and sleeping my way

241
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:01,172
through the female faculty.

242
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:06,878
Tragic. The young artist
has his dreams trampled. (gasps)

243
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,680
This is the book.

244
00:09:08,682 --> 00:09:11,650
A scathing indictment
of our sports-obsessed society.

245
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,918
MURPHY:
Hey,

246
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,719
maybe I could put
my poems in it.

247
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,087
Brilliant idea.

248
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,661
Meet me in the kitchen!

249
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,599
What the hell is going on?

250
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,768
We've had a breakthrough.
Turns out Murph has many layers.

251
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:31,202
Oh, no, no, you dug.

252
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,238
I didn't dig.

253
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,206
You do like to dig.

254
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:39,210
Hey, I-I came up with
a great name for the book.

255
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,679
<i>Verses Loaded.</i>

256
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,582
Yeah, it's like bases loaded.

257
00:09:43,584 --> 00:09:45,250
Just give it a second.

258
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,919
Murph, the reason the publishers
keep asking me to write

259
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,622
books like this is because
I know exactly what they want.

260
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,624
They want a book
about an athlete,

261
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,059
not about some poem guy.

262
00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,293
Or poet.

263
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,930
So you think my poetry's stupid?

264
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,999
It's your father all over again.

265
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,603
You know what, Oscar?

266
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,237
I'm really excited about this.

267
00:10:06,239 --> 00:10:08,773
It's my chance to show the world
who I really am,

268
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,175
but if you don't want
to do it, fine.

269
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,776
I-I already have plenty
of money.

270
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,645
Well, I don't, so we need
to write the book

271
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,680
or you need to give me some
of your money.

272
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:18,750
Now, now, I'm sure
that we can find a compromise.

273
00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,652
Murph just wants to honor
the yearning soul

274
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,721
beneath the jersey.
Wait a second.

275
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:25,657
Felix, you got to write this
with us.

276
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:27,726
Ooh, that's trouble.

277
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,096
What's happening?
Oh, no, no, Murph,

278
00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,831
I couldn't;
Oscar's the writer.

279
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,666
Thank you.
But I could sit and look

280
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,134
over his shoulder
and edit as we go.

281
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:38,970
Great! It's settled.

282
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,106
What is happening?

283
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,707
Oh, wow.

284
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,042
First two writers, now three.

285
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:46,044
This book is gonna be
twice as good.

286
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:52,250
Oh, that math teacher screwed
him in more ways than one.

287
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,188
Oscar, I can tell by
your nostrils that you're angry.

288
00:10:57,190 --> 00:11:01,660
You need to check out that vein
in his neck.

289
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,362
I only have 36 hours
to turn in this book.

290
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,064
And I won't get in the way.

291
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,700
I will just be a supportive,
unobtrusive presence.

292
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,769
Oh, Dani, look at that.
Very good.

293
00:11:10,771 --> 00:11:11,970
You know what?

294
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:15,206
Now I'm thinking
poppy seeds.

295
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,242
They're elusive little
devils, so I will get you

296
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,344
the small tweezers.

297
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:24,449
You know,
people fall off terraces.

298
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,451
Happens every day.

299
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,191
All right, here we go.
Before we begin,

300
00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:36,461
I'd like to ask everyone
to take a knee.

301
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,101
Lord, as we begin this project,

302
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:45,370
give us clear heads
and fast fingers

303
00:11:45,372 --> 00:11:47,172
to help us write goodly.

304
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:50,775
Amen.
Amen.

305
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,243
God help me.

306
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:54,212
Huh. Look at us.

307
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,047
The dream team.

308
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,383
Yes, very exciting.
Now let's get started.

309
00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,884
Chapter one.

310
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,154
"My name is Marcus Murphy."

311
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,889
That's true. That's right.

312
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,725
I like it.

313
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,992
I like it, too.

314
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,961
I wish I loved it.

315
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,298
What would make you love it?

316
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:14,866
Oh, I don't know.
Let's just try it out

317
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,334
for a minute, bat
a few ideas around.

318
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,303
"My name is Marcus Murphy."

319
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,239
"Marcus Murphy is my name."

320
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,742
"They call me Marcus Murphy."

321
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,878
"I'm Murphy. Marcus Murphy."

322
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,513
You know what?

323
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,749
Sometimes the muse just teases.
What we have is good.

324
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,219
"For as long as
I can remember,

325
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,221
my family was
into sports."

326
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,956
Same here.

327
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:42,193
You're being me.
I got it.

328
00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:45,330
"When I first picked up
a baseball,

329
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:48,399
I knew I was home."

330
00:12:53,039 --> 00:12:55,507
Felix, I can feel your ear.

331
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,878
I need to be able
to see the pad.

332
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,113
What have we
got so far?

333
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:07,185
(high-pitched whirring)

334
00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,891
(whirring)

335
00:13:14,060 --> 00:13:15,426
Oscar! Oscar!

336
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:17,829
Oscar!

337
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:24,068
Oscar, you could have
killed someone.

338
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:26,237
Yes, but I chose
to do this instead.

339
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,141
"It was down
to the final stretch.

340
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,243
"Time to rally
for one last push.

341
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,245
"And my mother pushed
with all her might,

342
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:36,514
and I came into
this world."

343
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:45,256
Oh. Awesome!
We did it!

344
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,858
Yes, you were born.

345
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,493
Now we just have
to wait 20 years

346
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,095
till the part people care about.

347
00:13:51,097 --> 00:13:53,131
Ooh, I am beat.

348
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,833
I'm gonna head home,
take a nap,

349
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:56,334
maybe enjoy the company
of a young lady.

350
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,569
Which young lady?

351
00:13:57,571 --> 00:14:00,138
Oh, it's ten blocks.

352
00:14:00,140 --> 00:14:01,439
There'll be someone
along the way.

353
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,408
And then, I'm gonna bring back
some of my poems.

354
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,510
Great. We can figure out
where to insert them.

355
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,012
Are you open to suggestions?

356
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:09,214
Well, it's a collaborative...

357
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:10,849
Oh, I just got that.

358
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,217
(clears his throat)

359
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,551
All right,
I'll see you guys tomorrow.

360
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,221
Felix, you keep
this guy on track.

361
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:18,089
Oh, you bet. I will
crack the whip.

362
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,257
(imitates
cracking whip)
(laughing)

363
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,125
(Oscar laughs)

364
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:22,493
(laughing)

365
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,864
Ha, ha, ha. I'm
gonna kill you.

366
00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:28,199
Oscar, he wanted me.
I didn't ask for this.

367
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,934
That's exactly what you did.

368
00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:31,269
You dug, and you broke Murph,

369
00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,904
and you ruined what
was supposed to be

370
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,539
a perfectly nice
book about baseball.

371
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,175
Why are you so afraid to write
about anything with real depth?

372
00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,910
Why must you only
skim the surface?

373
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:41,212
Because I like the
surface. It's pleasant.

374
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:44,115
It's pleasant, or is it safe?

375
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,884
What's so scary down there?

376
00:14:45,886 --> 00:14:48,386
Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

377
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,455
Because it's keeping you
from fulfilling your potential.

378
00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:54,158
No, no, no.
You stay out of me!

379
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:55,360
When we were in college,

380
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,061
you wanted
to be a great sports journalist.

381
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,363
You wanted to win a Pulitzer.

382
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:00,331
I remember because
I was the one who told you

383
00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:01,566
it's not pronounced Poo-litzer.

384
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:04,135
I was a kid.
I had lots of dreams.

385
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:07,272
I wanted to touch
a Lakers Girl's boob.

386
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:10,074
It is never too late to
dust off those dreams.

387
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,343
You know what you need?

388
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,279
A visit to
the emotional

389
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,315
support tent.

390
00:15:22,055 --> 00:15:23,288
Oscar, what are you doing?

391
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,622
I'm locking you in.

392
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,691
Oscar, let me out!

393
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:29,394
You know that I'm bound
by the laws of mime!

394
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:33,665
You got to finish
this book, Oscar.

395
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:35,266
Oh, what's the point?

396
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:36,467
I'm a failure.
I'm a hack.

397
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,070
Even so...

398
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,205
But it's due tomorrow,
and you barely even started.

399
00:15:41,207 --> 00:15:44,175
Yeah, and I realized, that's
my way of protecting myself.

400
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:47,111
I get to say I didn't have time
to write a great book,

401
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,646
rather than
finding out I can't.

402
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,049
Even so...

403
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:53,051
(phone chimes)

404
00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:55,253
Ah, that's my snack alert.

405
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,355
My one solid food a day.

406
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:58,723
(laughs)

407
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,391
Come here, baby.

408
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:02,360
(laughing)

409
00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:05,997
Mmm. It needs something.

410
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:09,334
Like being wrapped in bacon,
sitting on a donut.

411
00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,469
Mmm. Mmm.

412
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:14,038
Emily, can I get
a drink here?

413
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:15,340
Oh, sure.

414
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,241
I'm not a bartender,
but what the heck.

415
00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:19,377
I'm learning all sorts
of new things today.

416
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:21,312
Like day-old bread
makes great croutons,

417
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,481
and rats don't die right away
in those traps.

418
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,253
Oscar.
Go away.

419
00:16:29,255 --> 00:16:31,289
Stay out
of my moneymaker's brain.

420
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:33,257
Sorry, Teddy.
It must be tough for you,

421
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,026
knowing
that your livelihood depends

422
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,295
on another person's
fragile creativity.

423
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,664
I wouldn't be surprised
if under all that anger

424
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,233
was a little bit of fear.
(Teddy laughs)

425
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,002
Oh, good luck getting in here.

426
00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:46,304
My wife has been
trying for years,

427
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,673
and she's not
even in the lobby.

428
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:51,042
I'm gonna call the publisher and
see if I can buy us some time.

429
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,580
How'd you get out of the tent?

430
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:05,223
I'm sorry, Oscar.
This is all my fault.

431
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,425
You know, I always thought
that I'd write a book

432
00:17:07,427 --> 00:17:09,360
that would make people
see sports differently,

433
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,462
like<i> Moneyball</i> or<i> Seabiscuit.</i>

434
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,431
But instead,
I'm cranking out a book

435
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,366
about a guy
who has two talents--

436
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,469
catching baseballs
and not catching chlamydia.

437
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,139
I wasn't trying to upset you.

438
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,540
I honestly thought
I was being helpful.

439
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,709
It's funny, you live in denial
for so long,

440
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,644
you can't see the sad truth
about yourself

441
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,413
until someone shoves it
in your face.

442
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,148
DANI:
I did it, Felix.

443
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,617
At first I thought you were
crazy for being so picky,

444
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:35,553
but now I see how all those
details make a difference.

445
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,423
What?

446
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,491
Oh, for God's sake,
what is wrong now?

447
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,360
Are the seeds
too close together?

448
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:45,229
Is the lettuce
too emotionally available?

449
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:48,633
No, it's a hamburger, all right.

450
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,135
I'm going
to take a picture of it,

451
00:17:51,137 --> 00:17:53,204
because that's what I do.

452
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:56,340
I take pictures of hamburgers.

453
00:17:56,342 --> 00:17:58,109
You know, when
I was in college,

454
00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:00,344
I dreamed of being Annie
Leibovitz or Richard Avedon,

455
00:18:00,346 --> 00:18:02,613
photographing the
essence of humanity.

456
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:05,216
And now,
I make fast food look good

457
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:06,751
so Americans can get fatter.

458
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:09,487
I am not an artist.

459
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,656
I am a merchant of death!

460
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,493
I'll leave my time sheet
on your desk.

461
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:19,363
Felix, can I get you anything?

462
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,498
I'll have what he's having.

463
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,500
An existential crisis.

464
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,368
Is that one
of those fancy drinks?

465
00:18:24,370 --> 00:18:25,837
It's only my first day.

466
00:18:25,839 --> 00:18:29,507
No, Emily, it's when the reality
of your life crashes

467
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,309
into the dreams of your youth.

468
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:33,111
Hey, I have an idea.

469
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,512
Why don't you both...

470
00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:38,216
(loudly):
shut up?!

471
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,117
I beg your pardon?

472
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:40,518
"Waa, waa, waa.

473
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,121
I'm not as famous
as some famous person."

474
00:18:43,123 --> 00:18:45,790
"Waa, waa, Seabiscuit."

475
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,527
Do you guys realize
how lucky you are?

476
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,863
You get paid
to do what you love.

477
00:18:51,865 --> 00:18:53,531
Look at me.

478
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,333
Instead of designing jewelry,

479
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,235
I've spent the day
scrubbing toilets

480
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:58,803
and putting out
a grease fire.

481
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:02,573
Which I started,
but that is not the point!

482
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:06,878
Wow. Emily, thank you
for your bracing honesty.

483
00:19:06,880 --> 00:19:09,347
We really lost perspective
there, right, Oscar?

484
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:12,383
Well, that's not the way I said
"Seabiscuit," but, yeah.

485
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,185
And, Emily, we
believe in you.

486
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:16,687
All of this-- this is just part
of your journey.

487
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,657
Yeah, all this struggle is going
to make you a better artist.

488
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,559
Huh.

489
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,895
I never thought of it that way.

490
00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:25,530
Thank you.

491
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,698
Well, onward and upward.

492
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,667
(laughs)
Go get 'em.

493
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,502
God, her life
is a train wreck.
Ooh.

494
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,171
(sighs)

495
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,606
Hey, well, I had to beg,

496
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,241
but I bought us
a couple of days.

497
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,477
All right, I'm gonna go upstairs
and write that book.

498
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:41,412
All right, so
you're done playing

499
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,714
Midlife Crisis:
White People Edition?

500
00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:46,951
Wow. Look who turns into
Chris Rock when he's hungry.

501
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,721
See, I can make race jokes, too.

502
00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,757
No, you can't.
No, I can't.

503
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,392
Yeah.

504
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,560
While you are writing, Oscar,

505
00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,361
I will gratefully
rededicate myself

506
00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:58,663
to the art of
food-tography.
TEDDY: Mmm.

507
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:01,866
Teddy, no!
Screw this diet.
I'm starving.

508
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,402
That's not food. It's cardboard
and hairspray and paint.

509
00:20:04,404 --> 00:20:06,604
I don't care.

510
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,345
Oh, there you are.
I just finished setting up.

511
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,580
Hey!

512
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,715
Don't feel obligated
to buy anything.

513
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,550
Felix thought Emily's business
could use a little boost,

514
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:22,486
and he said it right in front
of me, so I had to agree.

515
00:20:22,488 --> 00:20:23,821
Hey!

516
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,923
Hi.
I think
I will take this tie clasp.

517
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,259
My ties have had a mind
of their own lately.

518
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,361
Yeah, I wasn't gonna
say anything.

519
00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,263
Thank you, Felix.
That'll be $45.

520
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,998
So what about you, Oscar?

521
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,300
Does anything
catch your eye?
Yeah.

522
00:20:36,302 --> 00:20:38,970
I think I'll take these
cuff links for my friend Murph.
Oh.

523
00:20:38,972 --> 00:20:40,538
Oh. Those
are $600.

524
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,607
Guys don't buy
guys jewelry.

525
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:47,678
Oh, nothing like a good nap.

526
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,549
How long was I sleep?

527
00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:54,385
About 30 hours.

528
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:56,487
Have you been
back there the whole time?

529
00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:57,888
Yeah, I curled up
in the bathtub.

530
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,690
I like to sleep someplace
cocoon-like

531
00:20:59,692 --> 00:21:03,861
to simulate the support I never
got from my mother, or my wife.

532
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,830
Want to dig
into that one?

533
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,999
No, I'm good.

534
00:21:08,001 --> 00:21:10,568
Hey, Marcus Murphy, I got
both your sex tapes!

535
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:13,738
Oh, all right. Okay.
He was great.

536
00:21:13,740 --> 00:21:15,973
<font color="#ffff00"> Captioning sponsored by</font>
<font color="#ffff00"> CBS</font>