Oscar, do you mind if I do my core training
while you watch your sports contest?
As long as I don't see you.
(rhythmic grunting)
I can see your reflection in the TV.
Still.
Good.
Oscar, your 4:30 got moved to 4:00.
(sighs)
I'm just gonna go make some coffee.
Whoa.
Did you hear that?
What, that sigh? Don't worry.
She'll still make the coffee.
No, something is definitely up with her.
And notice how she left her hair down today,
as if she couldn't muster the strength to put it up.
And she ordered fries with her lunch
instead of her usual mixed berry medley.
Not even sweet potato fries.
Regular, oh-to-hell-with-it fries.
Here's an idea. Stop noticing everything!
What do you think could be bothering her?
Could it be a boyfriend problem? I don't know.
Maybe a health issue with a parent. No idea.
Does she have any siblings?
She did mention a sister once,
but that could have just been a sistah thing.
You don't know anything about her.
Dani's worked for you for three years.
I'm her boss. She's my assistant.
I don't meddle in her personal life.
The woman is in crisis. Go in there, talk to her
and find out what's wrong.
No. Mind your own business.
Take your ball and go home.
Oh. Well, perhaps I will just stay here
and watch the game with you.
(rhythmic, reedy, whistling exhalations)
So,
who are the good guys?
Oh, my God.
Hey.
So... you know.
How are you?
What do you mean?
I don't really know.
What's going on? Are you firing me?
Because I will sue your ass so fast... No!
No, no, I would never fire you.
Felix and I just noticed
that something might be bothering you.
Aw. Nope, I'm all good. Okay, then.
In fact, I just got invited to my high school reunion,
so I'm going to be flying back to Cleveland in a few weeks.
'Cause that's where you're from, and I knew that.
Mm-hmm.
Gonna catch up with some old friends,
see how everybody's changed.
Who got bald, who got married.
That sounds great. Mm-hmm.
What's the ETA on the coffee?
Pretty sure I'm the only person
in the old crew who's still single,
but, hey, I'm cool with that.
But you know how everybody's gonna be.
"No husband, Danielle?
Not even a boyfriend, Danielle?"
Who's Danielle?
You're Danielle.
Mm. But, you know,
if I get, uh, lonely, I can always
sit at the front desk and just hand out name tags.
You know, "Welcome back, East High Roadrunner!"
The name tags are arranged by last name.
And yes, I still have the same last name
because I'm not married.
(crying)
There, there.
(whispering): Good, but cover her with both hands.
(mouthing)
Darren and I broke up almost a year ago,
and I've pretty much given up on trying to find someone new.
(sniffles) Here's a tissue.
I'm okay.
I must insist.
I'm sorry for crying like that.
It was so unprofessional.
It's okay.
Unprofessional. Please.
We're all friends here, right, Oscar?
That was a crazy amount of tears.
Yeah, I'm gonna get some water.
I actually cried myself thirsty.
Well, it's obvious what we have to do.
Yeah, teach Dani to cry in the shower like a normal person.
No, we have to find her a boyfriend.
No, we have to stay out of it.
She thinks she'll never find anyone again.
I understand that feeling, more than I would care to admit.
And I think you do, too, if you could look down deep,
past the swamp of half-digested fish sticks.
Dani is strong and proud, and she doesn't need us
to set her up like she's some charity case.
DANI: Yeah, I do! I want that!
Well, you know what? I will help her.
I don't know what I thought, expecting you
to think about anyone other than yourself.
I'll buy you a new one.
What do you mean?
(air hissing)
(playing pretty melody)
Wonderful! That will set the perfect tone for Dani's date.
What can I say? I'm a romantic.
And you're paying me. I like money.
(both laughing) Say,
why can you never find the composer
of Trumpet Concerto in E Flat Major?
Because he's Haydn.
(laughter)
Oh, Cindy, thanks.
I'll be in touch. Okay.
Felix, I finished your matchmaking questionnaire,
but some of the questions seemed a little personal,
like the one about positions.
I wanted to know about your job history.
Oh.
Then you should know I once worked as a missionary.
And a cowgirl.
Okay, I have given the same questionnaire
to every available man that I know. Mm-hmm.
My work colleagues, the viola player in my string quartet,
all of my book club bros.
And once I compile the data,
finding Mr. Right will be a cinch.
Ooh.
You're looking for Mr. Right?
I have just the guy for you. Oh, yeah?
My brother-in-law.
He's been living with my wife and I for a while,
and a more delightful companion you will not find.
Wait. Alan?
The moocher who lives in your basement?
Oh. Hey, many great men got their start in a basement.
No, many great men got their start in a garage.
Many serial killers got their start in a basement.
Alan isn't a serial killer.
He doesn't have that kind of work ethic.
Okay, let's see what you put for most important qualities.
"Religious."
That's number one.
"A good butt." A close number two.
Okay. "Likes-- football, baseball, basketball."
Got it.
God, butt, balls.
Now that I have this information,
I shall find you the perfect match.
And while I cannot guarantee success...
yes, I can.
Felix, you can't micromanage romance.
It's not micromanaging.
It's simply creating a love algorithm
to compare data, weighting certain categories
as indicators for long-term potential. (snoring)
Oh, I'm sorry. I dozed off.
Who's the space president now?
Sounds exciting. So scientific.
That's not the way love works.
You can't plan it. It just happens.
Oh, so she should just sit at home and hope
that someone good comes along?
No, you got to put yourself out there.
There are lots of ways to maximize your chances.
That you'll teach me? Thank you, Oscar!
Oh, no, I wasn't offering.
I was just arguing with Felix.
And I was offering. Yes!
Oh, do you think we can find me a soul mate by the reunion?
There's a couple of bitches in Spanish Club
I really want to stick it to.
That's right, tengo un hombre.
It's nice that you and Felix are trying
to find a guy for Dani, but...
Extra, extra! I'm single, too!
(laughs)
Maybe it's because I say stuff like that.
Sorry I'm late.
I got nervous and started hyperventilating on the subway.
I had to breathe into a homeless guy's liquor bag.
But then he hit on me, so I got a little confidence going.
Okay, well, let's ride that wave.
I'm gonna introduce you to guys
so they'll feel like they're pursuing you.
You can work this magic?
Langford's is my home turf.
My radio show makes me kind of a god in here.
Hey, you're Oscar Madison, right?
That's right, my friend.
I'm not your friend, you jackass!
Let's go. Mm-hmm.
You're a joke. You got a big mouth and a little brain!
What's wrong with him? He's cute and a good judge of character.
Oscar, I feel like an idiot.
Are you sure about this?
Trust me. This is gonna work. Just do it again.
Hey, can I give you a couple pointers?
Yeah? Uh-huh.
You got to keep your elbow up, all right?
(giggling) Just all in the wrists.
Now, just... (phone ringing)
One second.
Ah, it's just my mom. Uh-uh.
A real man always takes his mama's calls.
She's right.
And she's never missed a Knicks home game.
Pretty and a sports fan?
Hello, complete package.
No. He's a winker. Never trust a winker.
Nice to meet you.
He used the word "plethora."
Just say "too much." Don't fancy-pants me.
You know the expression "Beggars can't be choosers?"
Yeah. I don't think you do.
You're not giving any of these guys a shot.
Hey, if I don't get the right vibe,
I'm not gonna waste my time.
What about my time?
If I wasn't doing this, I'd...
you know, still be here, but I'd be drunk by now.
Hey, I've been watching you
try to help your friend meet someone,
and I think it's very sweet.
You do?
Well, I just won't rest until she finds happiness,
but that's the kind of friend I am.
Yes, Oscar makes me believe in angels.
(laughing): Oh, stop. But it's true.
I'm Oscar. Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, no need. I told them it's my birthday,
so I'm drinking for free.
Ooh, a naughty girl.
Off you go.
Dani! Any luck? Has Oscar found anyone?
Yeah, for himself. I'm still alone.
Great! I-I mean
because I just found you the perfect man.
So just relax and let Felix be your...
Robin Hood?
Cupid.
Sorry. I should have lifted a foot
and been more delicate with my bow pull.
Yeah, that's Cupid. Yeah.
Really? You were never in the circus?
Uh-uh.
I can't believe you are in your 40s.
You didn't act like it last night.
She means in bed.
And not at the Mensa meeting?
I got it.
I'll be right back. I'll get you some coffee.
Well, aren't you gonna say something?
About what?
About fate finding me someone wonderful.
And I didn't need some stupid algorithm.
It just happened.
Mmm. It's a good thing I have superior epiglottal control.
Otherwise, that would have been one heck of a spit take.
No, you had your classic shallow one-night stand.
I'm trying to engineer a relationship for Dani
with meaning and substance.
How do you know that's not what I'm after?
Who says Kim isn't the one?
What's Kim's last name?
Kellogg.
I don't even have to turn around
to know there's a box of cereal behind me.
Poke all the holes you want, but she is something special.
And I'm planning on asking her out on another date.
KIM: I'd love to, Oscar!
Wow, are the bedroom walls this thin?
Oh, yes.
(chuckles) Thanks for letting me tweak the decor.
Oh, well, there's no point in being
co-assistant weekday manager
if you can't help out a friend. (chuckles)
Seriously, there is no other point.
Oh, congratulations. I didn't know you got a promotion.
Well, not so much a promotion
as the last guy went back to high school.
(Cindy warming up violin)
Oh, Cindy,
forgive a humble cellist for noting it,
but your E string is just a skosh flat.
♪ Don't hate me for my perfect pitch. ♪
Dani.
Hi, Felix. Here I am.
I just got to admit I'm a little nervous.
Oh, don't be. You look absolutely perfect.
Hello, children.
Kim and I were just talking
about all the things we have in common.
What can I get you to drink?
I'll bet you we like all the same things.
Oh, anything with alcohol.
What are the odds?
Oh, Will! There he is. Will, this is Dani.
Hi. Dani, this is Will.
I like a man who can wear a fedora without looking
like a hipster you want to punch in the face.
(chuckles) Well, I like not being punched in the face.
Banter! (chuckles)
You both scored high on verbal jousting.
(Will and Dani chuckle)
Emily, would you show the happy couple to their table?
Of course. (chuckles)
The Carmen Fantasy for solo violin?
Ooh, fun. (chuckles)
Well, it is a sports bar.
(playing the Carmen Fantasy)
So, yeah, we dated for a couple of years,
and he just wasn't ready to get married.
Or give up his Star Wars room.
Uh-huh. Uh, anyway, so it ended and it was for the best.
(à la Porky Pig): Buh-dee-buh-dee-buh-dee, that's all folks!
(Will and Dani laugh)
Uh-huh.
This is nice. I can't believe
how lucky we were meeting each other.
Okay, you don't have to pretend anymore.
What do you mean?
I know what you were doing last night,
pretending to help your friend to get to me.
Well, that's not exactly what happened.
Don't apologize. I like a bad boy.
I did have a leather jacket in junior high.
Wore it whenever it got cold out.
Watch this, bad boy.
Excuse me, can I get a ten for ten ones? Oh, sure.
Uh, there you go. Thank...
Oh, here, you gave me a ten with the ones.
Whoops. Keep it. I'll give you another single,
and then you can just give me a 20.
Yeah, that works.
Wait, did you just...
Next round's on me.
Just play it cool, all right?
What the... Hey! Look who's here.
Teddy, hi. Uh, this is my brother-in-law, Alan.
We just came to watch the game, have a few brewskis.
And chicken fingers. You said you'd buy me chicken fingers.
(chuckles) This guy just cracks me up. Isn't he something?
(chuckling)
Teddy, what are you doing here?
Small world, Felix.
That's all this is.
Can we sit down?
I have asthma.
I was a preemie.
Oh, really?
It was touch and go for a minute,
but, lucky for you, I held on.
I'm never getting rid of you, am I?
I don't think so.
(crowd groaning)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, gentlemen,
please, can't you see there are two people over there
who are trying to fall in love?
I know that inside each and every one of you there is
a hopeless romantic.
Who would love a free beer.
(crowd cheering)
(cheering quietly)
Hey, Em, what are you doing?
I'm short ten dollars.
Oh, boy.
It's been a weird night.
I keep getting stiffed on tips,
even on the orders I'm getting right.
That is weird.
Oh, look,
I found your ten dollars. Oh!
And here's some other money you probably lost and deserve.
Thanks.
So, how goes it with Kimberly?
Great! If I'm not careful, that lady's gonna steal my heart.
Ah, there she is. Is it time for champagne?
Uh, well, actually... Rhetorical question. It's always time for champagne.
Yay.
You don't like Will, do you?
What?! No! No! No.
Please don't say anything to Felix.
And, yes, I know I'm being picky. It's just...
I really want to feel that chemistry,
and, I don't know, maybe it's just never gonna happen for me.
Dani, why are you talking to Oscar
when the man of your dreams is all by his lonesome?
Yay!
Felix, I think it's nice
what you're doing for Dani-- I really do--
but maybe this isn't the guy for her.
What? I'm just saying
there are some things
that are out of our control.
I can't think that way. Why not?
Because if it's all left up to fate, who's to say
that fate won't decide that I should be alone forever?
But I hope it works for you and Kim.
I'm sorry I was so quick to judge. She seems great.
Yeah, she's a real pistol.
Hey, this has
been fun, with all the petty larceny, but...
I have to be up really early,
so why don't I just pick up the check and we'll go?
Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Oh.
Ew. (gasps)
There's a bug on my plate!
Um, is there a problem?
I'm co-assistant weekday manager.
Yeah, there's a problem. I almost ate a roach.
I am so sorry. Uh, your meal is on us.
You'll do more than that. Right, Oscar?
What happened?
She dumped the bug!
She keeps a bug in her purse
to get out of paying the check, and you're insane,
and that is gross!
And, Felix, you're right. Maybe I should be more discerning
when it comes to women!
I am really disappointed in you.
(groans)
What a freak show.
You know, my questionnaire would have weeded her out.
Because, Oscar, you...
Da-Dani, wait. Wait, what's happening?
Why is he leaving?
We had a lovely evening.
You know, we just... weren't feeling it.
No, no, no, no, no. You guys are perfect together.
I have scientific proof.
Sorry, Felix. We know how much this meant to you.
Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not too late.
It's-it's this damn place.
I told you guys to keep it down!
(crowd protesting) Hey! Give me that remote
before I have to change channels by kicking you in the ass.
Hey, man, back off.
Oh, look who wants us to be quiet--
the biggest loudmouth there is.
This coming from a guy with a cross around his neck.
What would Jesus say?
"He whoeth is without fault,
"you know, should be good to...
fellow man."
It's okay, Oscar.
It's too late anyway.
You know what really bugs me about guys like you, Madison?
(phone rings) You...
Oh, hey, it's my mom.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, Dani, remember the guy from last night?
The cutie who called you a jackass?
I may regret saying this, but I think you might dig him.
He's religious, he loves his mom, he's got a...
pretty good caboose.
Hey, uh, guy who hates me,
this is Dani, my assistant.
Oh. You have my condolences.
Yeah, it ain't easy. She doesn't need your condolences.
Is he as big a jerk when he's off the air?
No, not at all. But he more than makes up for it in sloppiness.
(chuckles) Looks like he just rolled out of bed.
(chuckles) Onto a pile of garbage.
(all laugh) Getting a little mean.
Can I buy you a drink?
I'd love that.
No tears this time.
Ooh, but a lot of makeup.
I am sorry about that.
Well...
looks like she found someone.
Guess you were right. As scary as it is,
sometimes you have to leave it all up to fate.
Bye, Felix. This has been a weird evening.
Yes, it was. But your music elevated it from a catastrophe
to just... a really bad time. (chuckles)
Well, I, uh... I hope to see you soon.
Ask her out.
Okay. Okay.
Cindy, um,
would you... would you want to get a cup of coffee with me?
Sounds great.
Full disclosure, I'm asking you out
not as a friend or as a musician, but as a man.
I understand. Still... sounds great.
Shall we?
Yes, go. Spread your wings and fly.
Fly towards love.
Yeah, hockey! Rangers! Go! Good night!
So you and Cindy had fun?
Mmm. Yes. It was nice to dip my toe back in the dating pool,
but I don't think it's gonna amount to anything.
Why not? A cello guy and a violin gal?
(laughs) Let's solve the Middle East
before we attempt the truly impossible. (chuckles)
Well,
somebody's got a big smile on her face.
How was your date with Brad?
I don't kiss and tell.
We kissed. (chuckles)
And then, Oscar, we started talking
about your hygiene and...
Oh. What fun. (laughing)
Looks like I'm the only one who ended the night empty-handed.
Well, at least you learned a valuable lesson about yourself.
Oh, stop your gloating. I don't need to learn any lessons.
(phone chimes)
Huh, it's a fraud alert from my credit card.
Looks like I just bought a used Miata.
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