1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:05,738
(knocking on door)
2
00:00:05,740 --> 00:00:07,473
Oh, wonder who's gonna get it.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,308
The overworked assistant
who's building your new chair,
4
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:12,244
or the pretty princess boss
who won't get off his lazy ass.
5
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,314
Hey, guys.
6
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:16,715
He can't hear you.
7
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,150
There's something
going on with his hearing.
8
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,552
Isn't that right,
Lazy Ass?
9
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,055
Ooh, fun. Let me try.
10
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,457
I haven't listened
to your show in three weeks.
11
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,292
Hey, Teddy.
12
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:29,061
Did you listen
to my show today?
13
00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:31,296
Yeah, yeah, of course.
14
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:34,133
Yeah, wh-when you said
that thing to that guy?
15
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:37,169
That-that was classic.
16
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,670
I know. Right?
Yeah.
17
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,506
Come on. Let's, uh...
18
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:42,808
Let's go over your schedule
for next week.
Great.
19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,110
I'd love to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
20
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:47,513
whoa, whoa, whoa...
21
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,649
Oscar, are you okay?
22
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,284
No, I just got a little dizzy.
23
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,286
What's going on? First your
hearing, and now this.
24
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,055
It think it's just a cold.
25
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:57,656
Whatever you do,
don't tell Felix I'm sick.
26
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:01,193
Oscar,
you're sick?
27
00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:03,228
Wow, he just appears
out of nowhere. Amazing.
28
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,331
Yeah, it's not so nice
when you're in the shower.
29
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,102
Oscar, when was the last time
you saw a doctor?
30
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:11,670
Well, let's see.
It's Thursday, right?
31
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:14,173
So, uh, 1998.
32
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,208
Look, Oscar, you have to
take your health seriously.
33
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:18,510
What are your symptoms?
I'm not playing this game.
34
00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:21,213
He's having trouble with his
hearing, and just now,
35
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:22,381
he got dizzy.
Hmm. Let's see.
36
00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,183
Could be an ear infection...
37
00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:26,118
or a tear in the tympanic
membrane, or Meniere's disease.
38
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:27,419
That's just off the top
of my head.
39
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,254
Ooh, top of my head--
could be a brain tumor.
40
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,723
Would you please stop?
41
00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,692
Felix, how do you know
these things?
Oh, it's my hobby.
42
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,828
Some people crochet,
I read medical journals.
43
00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:40,065
I also crochet.
44
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:40,765
Any other symptoms
I should know about?
45
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,268
Yes. I've got a huge pain
in my ass.
46
00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,269
Chortle, chortle, chortle.
47
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:45,771
Yes...
48
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,273
laughter is the best medicine,
they say.
49
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:50,275
Unless, of course,
you have a brain tumor!
50
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,578
Would you stop?
There's nothing wrong with me.
51
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:54,179
Oscar, I need you healthy.
52
00:01:54,181 --> 00:01:55,814
You're 20% of my income.
53
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:58,550
And a dear, dear friend.
54
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,152
You can see my doctor--
Sharon McManus.
55
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,386
She's the best in New York.
56
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:03,222
I am not going to a doctor.
57
00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,224
There's nothing wrong.
I'll just take some vitamins.
58
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,893
Dani, get me two Wilmas.
59
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,895
What's wrong, Oscar?
Are you afraid of doctors?
60
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,864
Or are you afraid
of what they'll find?
61
00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:13,732
They're not gonna find anything.
62
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,335
They're just gonna nag me about
my diet and lack of exercise,
63
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,636
and I already have you for that.
64
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:20,205
Oscar, we care
about you.
65
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:21,840
I'm going to text Dr. McManus
and tell her
66
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:24,143
that you will take my standing
2:30 Friday appointment.
67
00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,348
Thanks to you,
I have to take care of myself.
68
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,350
You are getting
on my last nerve.
69
00:02:31,352 --> 00:02:33,652
It's like working
for a grumpy five-year-old.
70
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:35,220
This is my good ear.
71
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,422
I know.
72
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,686
ALL:
Felix!
73
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,388
Hello, everyone.
74
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,256
Frank, love the haircut.
75
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:13,592
Annie, I tried that three-bean
chili recipe of yours.
76
00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,960
Muy caliente.
77
00:03:14,962 --> 00:03:16,595
(laughing)
78
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,763
(all gasping)
79
00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:19,798
What? What did I do?
80
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,600
You're sitting in my chair.
81
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,402
Oh, sorry.
I didn't see the plaque.
82
00:03:23,404 --> 00:03:25,671
Not your fault.
It's back here.
83
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,606
What are you even
doing here?
84
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,608
Well, if Dr.
McManus sees
85
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,610
that we're friends, she'll give
you the best possible treatment.
86
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,613
Now then, I took the liberty of
starting your intake paperwork.
87
00:03:34,615 --> 00:03:36,281
(whispering):
But I was not comfortable
88
00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:37,783
filling out all of
the sexual history.
89
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,919
But you weren't afraid
to sketch the mole on my back.
90
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,654
Not a sketch.
91
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,656
More of a rubbing.
92
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,592
You are a deep sleeper.
93
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,994
(laughs)
Not anymore.
94
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:50,796
Oscar Madison.
95
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,764
Ah. Marilyn,
take good care of him.
96
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:54,433
Give him room C.
97
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,602
It's got a little bit
of sports history.
98
00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,570
One of the Globetrotters
died in there.
99
00:04:02,309 --> 00:04:03,542
How is it?
Everything okay?
100
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,577
Oh, fine.
I knew it.
101
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,746
My dumb roommate thinks
I'm dying of a brain tumor,
102
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,815
because I smoke cigars
and don't exercise.
103
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,416
I'm sorry. I'm a little winded.
104
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,651
That was a really long sentence.
105
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,688
It's okay, sir. I'm sure there's
nothing to be nervous about.
106
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:18,690
I'm not nervous.
You're the one who's nervous.
107
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,692
Nervous Mervous.
108
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:23,428
That's not a name.
Oh, my God, I'm having a stroke.
109
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,597
I'm going to be
the second most-famous person
110
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:26,999
who died in here.
111
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:28,600
Look who I found.
112
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,702
Dr. Sharon McManus,
this is my good friend Oscar.
113
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,038
Hello.
Good to meet you.
114
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:34,640
What brings you in today?
115
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:35,841
Oscar Madison,
43, white male.
116
00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,442
Patient complains
of vertigo,
117
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,544
auditory problems
in the right ear.
Marilyn,
118
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,713
has Felix seen the new
blood pressure machine yet?
119
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,482
Hmm?
(gasps)
The T-200 is here?
120
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,050
How did I not know
about that?
121
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:47,619
Marilyn, am I off
the group e-mails?
122
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,621
Have a seat.
Okay.
123
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,491
So, when did you start
feeling dizzy?
124
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:54,593
It started Tuesday
during the Knicks game.
125
00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,628
Oh, I saw that game.
Made me sick, too.
126
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,063
I know.
Carmelo's killing us, right?
127
00:04:58,065 --> 00:04:59,631
Seriously.
128
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,334
Okay, let's take a look...
okay?
129
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,803
Oh, there we go.
I think I see the problem.
130
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,005
We're calling it
a problem now?
131
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,007
(laughing):
Okay, hold still.
132
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,343
You'll feel a little pressure.
133
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:12,878
Arr, arr. Arr, arr,
arr, arr, arr.
134
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,713
(laughs)
135
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,882
Better?
Oh, so much better!
136
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,684
All right.
I'm not dizzy.
137
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,819
And the sounds are so crisp,
and the colors...
138
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,322
No, the colors
are pretty much the same.
139
00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:26,491
Oh, it's just a little blockage;
nothing to worry about.
140
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:27,959
Blood pressure's
down seven points.
141
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,996
Thanks, Norwegian fish oil!
142
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,532
Can you plug up my ear again?
143
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,534
You know, I shouldn't complain,
144
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:38,603
because his visits paid
for my bathroom remodel,
145
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:41,440
but, yes, Felix can be a bit
of a hypochondriac.
146
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:42,841
I believe the technical term is
"whack job."
147
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,409
(laughs)
148
00:05:44,411 --> 00:05:46,678
Must be tough
being his roommate.
149
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,047
Yeah, some days,
but then, other days, like this,
150
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:52,617
he introduces me to a beautiful,
sophisticated lady doctor.
151
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:53,685
Just doctor.
152
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,921
The "lady" is silent.
153
00:05:55,923 --> 00:05:57,723
Sorry. I'm a little off my game.
154
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,858
Can I try this again
with my pants on?
155
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:02,994
Okay, Annie, you're
a Pisces, right?
Mm-hmm.
156
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,731
"The month ahead brings
exciting opportunities.
157
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:07,666
Don't be afraid
to try new things."
158
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:11,103
Like dinner for two on your
birthday next Tuesday night!
159
00:06:11,105 --> 00:06:13,438
Felix, you remembered!
160
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,509
Come on, you can tell me.
161
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,010
Who died? Meadowlark? Curly?
162
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,580
The guy who used
to dunk with his feet?
163
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,549
Oscar.
164
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,618
There you are.
Everything all right?
165
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,819
Great. She's an angel
of mercy.
166
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,654
I'll see you Tuesday
at 7:00.
167
00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,456
Looking forward to it.
168
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,792
7:00 p.m.?
I'm confused.
169
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,494
Have the office
hours changed?
170
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,829
I'm taking her
to a Knicks game.
171
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,866
You mean like a date?
172
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:44,102
Oscar, you cannot
date my doctor!
173
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,570
Why not?
174
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,671
Because it will
end disastrously.
175
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:47,839
It always does with you.
176
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,575
In my defense,
I do a lot of volume.
177
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,044
She'll be furious,
she'll blame me,
178
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,813
and I will lose the
best doctor in New York.
179
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,181
So, go to another doctor!
180
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,783
No, I can't.
181
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:01,853
Dr. McManus is the last top-tier
doctor that will see me.
182
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:04,156
Apparently, I'm on
some sort of list.
183
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:08,527
Oh, Dani,
you're still here.
184
00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:10,629
It's taken me three days to put
this damn chair together,
185
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,897
but I think I got it.
186
00:07:11,899 --> 00:07:14,633
Looks a little bit low.
It's adjustable.
187
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,702
Oh!
188
00:07:17,704 --> 00:07:20,472
Well, at least
he won't fall off.
189
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,810
You know what?
He deserves it.
190
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:28,013
You're still mad
that he's dating your doctor?
Yes.
191
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:30,449
They're on date three,
so it's only a matter of time
192
00:07:30,451 --> 00:07:32,117
before they break up,
she'll be furious with me,
193
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,786
and just when I need her
at the top of her game.
Why is that?
194
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,121
Oh, I think I'm coming
down with something.
195
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:37,889
I was scrubbing the kitchen sink
all afternoon,
196
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,758
and now my fingers are numb.
197
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:43,094
Were you using that illegal
Chinese cleaning powder again?
198
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,697
It's not illegal in China.
199
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:48,934
And it didn't kill those
children who made it.
200
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:51,102
Still no feeling.
I'm starting to get concerned.
201
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:52,704
Well, I'm off the clock.
202
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,006
I'll be interested again
on Monday.
203
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,043
Dani, this is Sharon.
Hi.
204
00:07:58,045 --> 00:07:59,678
Hi.
I see you
finished the chair.
205
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,513
Took you long enough.
Yeah, you should try it out.
206
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,548
It's adjustable.
Just push that lever.
207
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,820
So, what are you two up to?
208
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,956
Oh, Sharon's taking me to
a nice place for dinner,
209
00:08:10,958 --> 00:08:12,891
so I figured I'd get
my fancy jacket.
210
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,794
Ooh. The one without
the mustard stain.
211
00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,128
Bingo.
212
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,132
So, Felix, how are you?
213
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:22,834
I'm fine.
214
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:25,237
Actually, that
was a pleasantry.
215
00:08:25,239 --> 00:08:27,572
I may not be
fine at all.
216
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:29,040
How much do you know
about a cleaning product
217
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:32,911
called "Happy Rainbow Best
Cleantime Dirt Remover?"
218
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:34,613
Felix, I'm on a date.
Uh-huh.
219
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:35,947
Can this please wait
until Friday?
You tell me.
220
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,782
I've got a numbness
in my finger, and then,
221
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:38,917
I've been hearing this
annoying sound all day,
222
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,285
like a high-pitched
whining.
Yeah.
223
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,622
Funny, we hear it, too.
224
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,823
Sharon, why don't you
come outside
225
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,091
and see the view
from the terrace?
226
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,726
I would love to.
Okay.
227
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:52,831
Wow. It's so beautiful.
228
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,667
I was just thinking
the same thing.
229
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:58,169
You know, I still can't believe
you're going out with me.
230
00:08:58,171 --> 00:09:00,171
I mean, you could have
your pick of any guy,
231
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:01,840
and I'm a little bit older,
232
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,875
and you're probably
a lot smarter,
233
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:06,578
and feel free to stop me
at any point.
(laughs)
234
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,314
Well, maybe this will
make you feel more secure.
235
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,719
Sorry to interrupt, but...
236
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,588
the numbness has traveled
to my knuckle,
237
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,691
and at this rate, it will reach
my heart in 36 hours, so...
238
00:09:19,693 --> 00:09:21,893
Ironically, you figured
that out, when you're actually
239
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,929
gonna die
by being thrown off a terrace.
240
00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:25,797
I know you don't care
that I'm sick,
241
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,632
but Dr. McManus swore an oath,
and I'm sure
242
00:09:27,634 --> 00:09:29,100
she won't mind a quick exam.
Okay, Felix,
243
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,769
I think you're
overreacting,
244
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,203
and I don't have my
instruments, so...
245
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:34,105
I've got my own.
Of course you do.
246
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,840
Be right back.
247
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:38,910
Come on, let's make
a run for it.
248
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,178
I can't take it anymore.
249
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:42,013
It's bad enough
when we're at the office,
250
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,749
but now that we're dating,
I'll never be away from him.
251
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,885
I think I have
to drop him as a patient.
252
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,820
Oh, no, you can't.
It'll break his heart.
253
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:52,090
I'm sure he's got a cardiologist
on speed-dial.
254
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,225
Oh, come on.
He's not really that bad.
255
00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,728
FELIX:
Do you have a preferred
brand of tongue depressor?
256
00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:57,929
I've got three options.
257
00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,631
Let's get out of here.
258
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:00,632
Oh, please.
259
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:01,633
Oh, God.
260
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,867
Oh, wait. My coat.
261
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,936
I'll buy you a new one.
(laughs)
262
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,377
Done. Who wants
to test it?
Oh, why don't you?
263
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,945
Because I haven't
had children yet.
264
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,213
But you know what? It's a chair.
265
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,115
It looks
like the picture on the box.
266
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,883
I'm just gonna put it
in Oscar's room
267
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,385
and get on with my life.
(metallic clink)
268
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:24,055
Oh, I think a
piece fell.
You shut your mouth.
269
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,826
Why are you guys still here?
270
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,995
I promised Sharon we'd have
the place to ourselves,
271
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,963
and I think tonight's
gonna be the night.
272
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,932
Didn't you see the sock
on my doorknob?
273
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,267
Oh, great, everybody's here.
274
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:39,170
I can fix that.
275
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:41,973
And we're going to a movie, but
it doesn't start for an hour,
276
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,944
which gave somebody time to
surf the Web for medical advice.
277
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:49,914
Why can't you be addicted
to porn like everybody else?
278
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:52,183
Well, if it's
any consolation,
279
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:53,785
I may not be bothering
you much longer.
280
00:10:53,787 --> 00:10:54,853
Why, are you moving?
281
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,021
Perhaps. To Heaven.
282
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,922
When I die.
283
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,858
Felix, you're
being ridiculous.
284
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,993
Oh, really? Does this
sound ridiculous?
285
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,696
I am riddled with SNeRD.
286
00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:06,031
(laughs)
287
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,198
It's a real thing.
Slovakian
288
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,701
Neuro-Respiratory Disorder--
or SNeRD.
289
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:10,902
SNeRD.
290
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:12,203
I love that you
find it so funny.
291
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:13,705
Perhaps you would
like to share a chuckle
292
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,174
with patient zero,
aka Alojz Prochazka.
293
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,010
Oh, why are you showing me that?
294
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,245
That's a horrible way
to die, isn't it?
295
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,346
But how could you
have caught it?
296
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,081
Have you ever been to Slovakia?
297
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:26,418
No, but I had a very
suspicious pierogi for lunch.
298
00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,086
It says right there--
your chances
299
00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:29,954
of getting it are
one in a million.
300
00:11:29,956 --> 00:11:32,057
Okay. Well, your chances
of winning the lottery are
301
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,693
one in 100 million, and yet
you buy a ticket every week.
302
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,028
Well, that's because
I have a gambling problem.
303
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,197
Here's another person
304
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:41,099
who gambled and lost--
Viktor Ciernik.
305
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,100
Ew!
Ugh!
306
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,301
Don't show me that!
307
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,436
I don't want that
picture in my head.
308
00:11:44,438 --> 00:11:45,870
You cannot ignore this.
This is real.
309
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,405
I ignore plenty
of stuff that's real.
310
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:50,975
Taxes, people who have
fallen in the street.
311
00:11:50,977 --> 00:11:52,811
When Dr. McManus gets here,
I'm gonna tell her my symptoms.
312
00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,946
I've got a headache, erratic
pulse, and now look at this.
313
00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,448
Look at that rash.
314
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:59,184
No, do not mention the rash.
Don't even show her the rash.
315
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:01,152
Why not?
Because if she thinks
316
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,722
you're an insane hypochondriac,
she'll dump you as a patient.
317
00:12:03,724 --> 00:12:05,824
(dramatic gasp)
How do you know that?
318
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,225
She told me last night.
319
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:09,327
Damn it!
320
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:10,829
I knew if you started
dating my doctor,
321
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,063
something terrible would happen.
322
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,331
Don't blame me.
And listen,
323
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:15,834
when Sharon gets here,
just act normal.
324
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,169
Don't grill her about
your imaginary ailments.
325
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,238
Oh, so now it's imaginary?
Well, you know who else
326
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,040
must have
a fanciful imagination?
327
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,842
Imbriska Nedved.
328
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,244
Oh, that's disgusting.
Mm-hmm.
329
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,146
Which reminds me,
I better go clean my room
330
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,249
before Sharon gets here.
331
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,151
He's right, you know.
332
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:36,254
You do build things
up in your head.
333
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,089
I have been known
to make a mountain
334
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,224
out of an irregular
mole hill.
335
00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:42,360
You know, Felix,
when I was a kid,
336
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,162
my grandmother told
me about polio,
337
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:46,831
and as soon as she did, I was
convinced that I had it.
338
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,299
But polio's been gone
since the '50s.
339
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,534
I was a kid, I didn't
know any better.
340
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,402
I actually had
nightmares about it.
341
00:12:51,404 --> 00:12:54,038
Well, that's terrible.
Yeah, I wasted a whole
summer worrying.
342
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,775
I will never get
that summer back.
343
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,042
So you're saying...
344
00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:01,179
You are wasting
your summer.
345
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,282
How did you stop
worrying about polio?
346
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:08,219
I learned about dinosaurs and
started worrying about them.
347
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,156
But dinosaurs
have been gone since...
348
00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:13,825
I was a kid.
349
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,260
No...
350
00:13:15,262 --> 00:13:17,262
no, you're right, I-I wish
I could stop this obsession.
351
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,297
You know, we're all gonna
die at some point, right?
352
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,799
It's like the poet says,
353
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,168
"Do not send to know
for whom the bell tolls.
354
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,170
It tolls for thee."
355
00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:27,505
(doorbell rings)
356
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,445
Dr. McManus.
357
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,381
Acting casual.
(exhales)
358
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:39,951
Oh, hi, Felix.
359
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:42,020
Hey... Sharon...
360
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,959
What it is.
361
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,460
This is Emily.
362
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,196
Hi.
Hello.
363
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:54,132
We are just about to blow
this popsicle stand, so...
364
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:58,970
Oscar will be out
in a minute. Mm-hmm.
Oh, great.
365
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,338
So, how are you?
366
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,372
Oh, fine.
367
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,374
Good.
Fit as a fiddle.
368
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:06,477
In the pink
and in the prime.
(chuckles) Good.
369
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:08,213
Although I-I did have
one question for you.
370
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,882
Yes?
371
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:13,318
Does this shirt
overpower the tie?
372
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,153
Um...
373
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:17,055
Hey, Sharon, I didn't hear
you come in. Everything okay?
374
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,489
Yeah.
Course.
375
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:20,525
Normal people having
a normal conversation.
376
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,327
Okay, well we should go.
377
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:24,395
If we miss beginning
of the movie, we won't know
378
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,398
how Adam Sandler got in the body
of that Saint Bernard.
379
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,467
Bye.
Bye.
380
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:32,437
Can I get you a drink?
381
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:33,571
Sure.
Great.
382
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:37,242
Wow, Oscar, I'm impressed.
383
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,344
Felix didn't ask me
a single medical question.
384
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,279
Did you talk to him?
Well, I just
385
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,181
told him to not get all worked
up about things, you know?
386
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,482
I mean, what are you gonna do?
387
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,351
When your time's up,
it's up, you know?
388
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:50,021
Not what they taught us
in lady doctor school.
389
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:53,524
But I have to say, your
attitude is so refreshing.
390
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:56,427
I spend my whole life surrounded
by hypochondriacs like Felix.
391
00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:58,429
Oh, I love the guy,
but he's a nut.
Yeah.
392
00:14:58,431 --> 00:15:02,200
He's convinced he's dying of an
imaginary disease called SNeRD.
393
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,635
Oh, actually, that's real.
394
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,539
It is?
395
00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:11,042
Yeah, it's a horrible disease.
In fact, I saw a patient today
396
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,677
who's terrified
she might have it.
397
00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:14,946
But she doesn't, right?
398
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:18,383
I highly doubt it, but since
she just returned from Slovakia,
399
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,051
we're running tests
to be sure.
400
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,520
Um, but still, I mean,
it's 1,000 to one.
401
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:24,522
Isn't it a million?
402
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,591
I-I thought it was
a million to one.
403
00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:35,433
When you say this disease
is horrible...
404
00:15:37,203 --> 00:15:38,970
...what do you mean, exactly?
405
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,072
Seriously?
You really want to know?
406
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,941
Well, since you brought it up.
407
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,476
It starts out like a cold.
408
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,045
Fever, respiratory symptoms.
409
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,546
And then your
organs shut down,
410
00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:50,281
you start to bleed
out your nose
411
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,083
and then you...
Okay, I get the gist.
412
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,551
Great.
413
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,487
So we can stop
talking about it.
414
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,456
(sneezes)
415
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,159
Oh.
416
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,395
Peek-a-boo.
417
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,464
Well, I loved that movie.
418
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,134
And I loved watching you eat
your first Sour Patch Kid.
419
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:14,038
It was like watching
a baby eat a pickle.
420
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,175
I like Fun Felix.
He's a lot better than
421
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,978
Does This Bump On My Ear
Mean I'm Dying Felix.
422
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,146
I know you're kidding, but do
I really have a bump on my ear?
423
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,248
'Cause a bump can turn into
a lump and a lump can kill you.
424
00:16:24,250 --> 00:16:25,616
Felix...
425
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,552
No, okay, I know.
You're right.
426
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,620
It's just hard
to flip that switch.
427
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,691
You know...
428
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:37,595
I am going to really try to
be more like my friend Oscar.
429
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,597
That guy never
worries about anything.
430
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,237
(inhales deeply)
431
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,075
(exhales)
432
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:54,545
Is something wrong?
433
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,681
No, no, I'm just
a little wound up.
434
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,517
Well, then maybe
we should unwind.
435
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:01,519
Okay...
436
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:02,520
(grunts)
437
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,655
Um... Oscar?
438
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,724
No, no, no, I'm just,
uh, playing hard to get.
439
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,593
Until when?
440
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,162
I'm in your bed.
441
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,364
Yes, you're
a beautiful woman in my bed.
442
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,533
Here's an idea.
I'm gonna join you.
443
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,771
Oh, I'm hot.
444
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:22,673
I like your confidence.
445
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:25,209
No, I just... I mean
I feel really warm.
446
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:28,613
Well, I'll go crank the AC.
447
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:29,580
Make yourself at home.
448
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,815
Feel free to take a shower.
449
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,350
A sexy...
450
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,585
sanitizing shower.
451
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,556
Hey, guys. How was the movie?
Did you have fun?
452
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,491
Is there a cure for SNeRD?
453
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,560
Oh, come on, Oscar.
Not you too?
454
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,162
Sharon has a patient
who might have it.
455
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,563
Which means she might have it,
456
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,631
which means I might have it.
457
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,200
Where's your sanitizer?
458
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:51,702
Oscar, you're
overreacting.
459
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,538
Yes, I am.
And it's all his fault.
460
00:17:53,540 --> 00:17:56,074
How is this my fault?
You freaked me out
about being sick.
461
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,542
You dragged me
to the doctor.
462
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,544
You made me look at
disgusting SNeRD pictures.
463
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:02,146
You're in my head, Felix Unger.
464
00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:04,782
I did, and I'm sorry. I have
a problem, but Emily and I
465
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,551
are discussing it and
trying to work through it.
466
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,686
This is empty.
Where's your emergency stash?
467
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,633
Oh!
468
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:26,170
Uh... Ow!
469
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,738
Here's a drink, Oscar.
470
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,574
I can't believe
you infected me
471
00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,642
with your hypochondria.
472
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,814
Ugh... agh!
473
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,485
Face it, Oscar, we're
both hypochondriacs,
474
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:41,786
just different breeds.
475
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,621
I run to the doctor
every two seconds
476
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,656
in the vain hope that
I can control my fate;
477
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,593
and you never go to the doctor
so that you can live in denial.
478
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:52,196
But in the end, aren't we both
afraid of the same thing?
479
00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:56,501
Death.
480
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:58,536
I was pausing for effect.
481
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:03,141
Death.
482
00:19:03,143 --> 00:19:04,809
But Oscar, you see, we can
help each other through this,
483
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:08,412
because we can
face our fears together.
484
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:10,715
Hey, Oscar, do you
have a tissue?
485
00:19:10,717 --> 00:19:12,717
Nosebleed. Her organs
are melting. She's got SNeRD!
486
00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:14,886
What?
Wait, are you
487
00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:17,588
protecting me
or using me as a shield?
Protecting you.
488
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,257
Well then shouldn't
I be behind you?
Right.
489
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:21,893
All right, for God's sakes,
what is going on?
490
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:26,831
Oscar?
491
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,235
No, no, no!
Aah!
492
00:19:31,237 --> 00:19:32,837
Oh, are you kidding me?
493
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,573
Well, you're hot and you're
sneezing and you're bleeding!
494
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:37,375
Yeah, because
you have the heat cranked,
495
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:38,676
I'm allergic to dust,
496
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,279
and your basketball
hit me in the face.
497
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,947
You know, if you have allergies,
I have a specialist...
498
00:19:42,949 --> 00:19:44,782
Okay, you know what?
499
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:46,484
You're a lunatic.
500
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:47,919
You're both lunatics.
501
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:50,755
Felix, you can
find a new doctor.
502
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,890
And Oscar, you can
find a new girlfriend.
503
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:58,829
Four dates and she thinks
she's my girlfriend.
504
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,633
Who's the lunatic now?
505
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:12,243
ALL (sadly):
Felix.
506
00:20:13,479 --> 00:20:14,912
Tell me it's not true.
507
00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,747
I'm afraid it is, Annie.
508
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,883
Dr. McManus and I are
no longer seeing each other.
509
00:20:20,286 --> 00:20:21,786
But you were so
good together.
510
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,788
Annie, these things happen.
511
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,656
You're a brave little girl.
512
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,458
I do not want you
to blame yourself.
513
00:20:29,762 --> 00:20:33,598
I'm just here to collect my
things and get on with my life.
514
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,899
Of course.
Mm-hmm.
515
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,467
We've got your
records for you.
516
00:20:36,469 --> 00:20:37,535
Okay.
517
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,273
Well...
518
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,275
(voice breaking):
I guess this is good-bye.
519
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,811
Take care of yourselves.
520
00:20:46,813 --> 00:20:49,880
Annie, I'll see you
for dinner on Tuesday.
521
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,817
Good-bye. Take care.
522
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:54,518
Keiko, keep smiling.
523
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,555
Or... whatever you're
doing under there.
524
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,826
Frank, think of me
when you pass that stone.
525
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,828
I will.
526
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:05,663
I want you people
to know that you are more
527
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,532
than just a medical
practice to me.
528
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,001
You are family.
529
00:21:10,003 --> 00:21:13,337
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
530
00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:15,473
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org