1
00:00:01,736 --> 00:00:03,769
Oscar Madison Show,
this is Dani.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,772
Yes, I am as sexy as I sound.
3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:10,009
No, I will not describe my feet.
4
00:00:10,011 --> 00:00:12,511
But they are big enough
to kick your ass.
5
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,749
Stay on the line, he'll take
your call when the show starts.
6
00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,784
You big freak.
7
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,786
Where's Oscar?
8
00:00:20,788 --> 00:00:22,721
He's still asleep and the
show starts in four minutes.
9
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:24,289
Ah, I was afraid of that.
10
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:26,158
We went to the Knicks game
last night.
11
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:28,093
Won it in double overtime.
12
00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:29,528
Then we went double overtime
at the bar.
13
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,063
Feels like we lost that one.
14
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I already tried to wake him,
15
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:34,767
but he threw half
a meatball sub at me.
16
00:00:34,769 --> 00:00:37,536
Oh... so he still has
half a sub left?
17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:39,805
Oh, damn.
18
00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:42,074
Agent's work is never done.
19
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:47,046
Rise and shine, champ!
20
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,148
(groans)
21
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:50,549
All right, let's go.
22
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:52,418
You're on the air
in three minutes.
23
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,686
(groans)
Ah!
24
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,821
Sleeping in your clothes.
25
00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,389
Just like a Navy SEAL.
26
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,724
Good call.
27
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:03,796
Let's try the other way,
superstar.
28
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:08,300
(groans)
29
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:09,735
Oh, you're wearing
pants today.
30
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,303
Thank you.
31
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:14,606
Okay, let's set you up
right here.
32
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:16,308
Coffee.
33
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:19,111
Donut.
(groans)
34
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,479
Another donut.
35
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:21,747
DANI:
On the air
36
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,816
in three, two...
37
00:01:23,818 --> 00:01:25,184
One!
38
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,152
Good morning,
friends and enemies.
39
00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,121
Welcome to
The Oscar Madison Show.
40
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,756
The Knicks won last night
and the Celtics lost,
41
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,591
so all is right in the world.
42
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:35,094
Although I'm guessing Paulie
from Boston will disagree.
43
00:01:35,096 --> 00:01:36,528
Morning, Paulie.
44
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:37,863
PAULIE:
You suck, Madison.
45
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,832
And your Knicks
got lucky last night.
46
00:01:39,834 --> 00:01:41,633
Well, you know who else
got lucky last night?
47
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,135
Me.
48
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,370
But such is the charmed life
49
00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:46,705
of a Knicks fan.
50
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,707
How'd you spend your night,
Paulie?
51
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,677
Crying into your
Larry Bird body pillow?
52
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,367
Thanks for waking me up, Teddy.
53
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,169
But I would have
been there on time.
54
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:19,138
Please, I saved your ass.
55
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:20,739
Just like I did
last night at the bar
56
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,808
when you challenged
that guy to a dance-off.
57
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:25,911
Oh, God.
Did I at least win?
58
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,212
A 2:00 a.m. dance-off?
59
00:02:27,214 --> 00:02:28,514
There are no winners.
60
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,384
Oscar. You'll never guess
what happened.
61
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:34,153
You bought new
tea towels?
62
00:02:34,155 --> 00:02:35,554
They added a
fourth tenor?
63
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,889
I hate that I
know this stuff.
64
00:02:36,891 --> 00:02:38,490
FELIX:
No.
65
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,225
Today I was taking
some publicity photos
66
00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:41,460
for a big TV exec
67
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,895
and I overheard
him talking
68
00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:45,597
about a sports talk show
called The First String.
69
00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:47,599
With Rich Eisen?
I love that show.
70
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,601
Well, they are looking
for a new panelist.
71
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,936
So I just happened to mention
72
00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:53,205
that my roommate is
the famous Oscar Madison.
73
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,606
And after a quick clarification
74
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,241
as to what I meant
by "roommate"...
75
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,178
...they agreed to have you
on as a guest.
76
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:01,313
Which he said could turn
into a regular gig.
77
00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,714
Listen to me.
78
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:05,417
"Gig."
79
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:06,752
Wow, that sounds
so cool.
80
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,320
Thanks, Felix.
81
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,322
Yeah, thank you, Felix.
But, uh, we're gonna pass.
82
00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:11,857
Why?
Yes, why?
83
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:14,826
I will answer you
and not you.
84
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:16,428
You already have a great job.
85
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,764
You host a national radio show
from your apartment.
86
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,232
If you want,
you could do it naked,
87
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,266
or eating a pizza,
88
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:22,401
or getting a massage.
89
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:23,735
If you play
your cards right,
90
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,305
you could do
all three at once.
91
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,273
That is the dream.
92
00:03:28,275 --> 00:03:30,342
But I always thought it
would be fun to do TV.
93
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,277
Ah, TV's fine.
94
00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,745
But why water down your brand?
95
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,214
Radio's your home.
96
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:36,381
But he could
have two homes.
97
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,950
Television could be the giant RV
98
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:39,952
he drives around the country.
99
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,553
Felix, I'm Oscar's agent.
100
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,288
And I am his platonic roommate.
101
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:45,958
Which I realize now
102
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,392
I have to say
whenever I mention him.
103
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,361
Look, I'm
just saying,
104
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,796
how could it possibly
hurt to try?
105
00:03:50,798 --> 00:03:52,297
We already have.
106
00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:53,799
He tried that guest
panel thing years ago.
107
00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:55,567
And?
He was great.
108
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,603
But it was a pain in the ass,
remember?
109
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,004
You had to wait around,
wear makeup,
110
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,439
they didn't give you
your donuts...
111
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,609
That's right.
Stupid scones.
112
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,944
They ended up hiring
that pretty boy athlete.
113
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:08,313
Instead of the pretty
boy radio host.
114
00:04:08,315 --> 00:04:09,781
Stupid Michael
Strahan.
115
00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:13,819
Well, you've never
steered me wrong before.
116
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,288
So I guess you're right,
let's just stick with radio.
117
00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:18,123
My man.
118
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:19,957
Well, I just think...
And I appreciate your thoughts.
119
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,326
But...
120
00:04:21,328 --> 00:04:22,794
I have guided Oscar's career
121
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,630
for 20 years now
and he's doing just fine.
122
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,365
Now if you'll excuse me,
123
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,566
I'm late for a meeting
124
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:29,001
and I have more meatball sub
on my shirt
125
00:04:29,003 --> 00:04:30,535
than I feel is professional.
126
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:35,907
So you and Teddy have been
together for 20 years?
127
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:37,542
Yeah, I was his
first client.
128
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:38,877
Well, first human.
129
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,480
Before me,
he represented mascots.
130
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:43,482
That's right.
That's how you met, isn't it?
131
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,750
Yeah, I was doing
a radio interview
132
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,018
with one of
his clients,
133
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:47,319
Barry the
Burlington Beaver.
134
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:50,856
You know,
I was a mascot myself.
135
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,992
The Roosevelt High Screaming
Eagle, if you can imagine that.
136
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,496
I can.
137
00:04:57,498 --> 00:05:00,365
You in a bird suit,
stuffed in a locker,
138
00:05:00,367 --> 00:05:03,335
waiting for your best friend
the janitor to get you out.
139
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,972
Did I tell you that story?
140
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,043
Well, I am just
glad to see
141
00:05:11,045 --> 00:05:13,645
that you and Teddy
are so happy together.
142
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,580
Yep.
143
00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:18,350
It's always nice
to be comfortable.
144
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,752
Felix, you're doing that thing
145
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,354
where you say stuff
in a cheerful tone,
146
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,356
but I end up
not being able to keep
147
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:25,891
my Batman lamp
in the living room.
148
00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:28,994
It's just such a fun piece
149
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:30,696
and it looks fantastic
in the back hallway.
150
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,998
I feel like you
have the chance
151
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,333
to reach a much
larger audience
152
00:05:34,335 --> 00:05:35,634
and Teddy just
dismisses it.
153
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,002
Well, Teddy knows
what he's doing.
154
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,837
Yes, but ultimately
he works for you.
155
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,339
And wouldn't you like
to try something new?
156
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:41,940
Yes, but I'm already
transitioning
157
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,710
from boxers to boxer-briefs.
158
00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,845
My plate is full.
159
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,080
Oscar,
160
00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:49,648
I hate to see you
squander your talent
161
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,682
just because you're
"comfortable."
162
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,017
Okay. You're right.
163
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,518
I'll call Teddy
and let him know.
164
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,388
Ah, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.
165
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,657
You know what?
He might say "no."
166
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:01,426
What if you just did it and let
him see how wonderful you are?
167
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:03,395
You're right.
I am wonderful.
168
00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:04,496
Huzzah!
169
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,933
Felix Unger
wants a fist bump?
170
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:08,900
I do.
171
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:11,937
Ow!
172
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,638
Here, let me show
you how it's done.
173
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:14,906
Loosen your hand.
Mm-hmm.
174
00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:16,408
Ah!
175
00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:21,613
(sniffs)
176
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:24,015
It actually cleared
my sinuses, merci.
177
00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:30,989
Okay, 75 minutes
until Oscar is on the air.
178
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,457
Thank you for your help.
179
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:33,492
I'm for anything
that gets us
180
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,826
into a real office.
181
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,661
My mom wants to
visit me at my job,
182
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,663
but working out of a single
guy's spare bedroom...
183
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,632
seems a little
sketchy.
184
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,069
(Dani and Emily whoop)
185
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:45,570
Ladies, ladies, please.
186
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:48,006
Hold your applause until...
187
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,608
DANI:
Ooh...
...the end.
188
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,443
(laughing)
189
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:53,412
I told my tailor
to give him the Unger Cut.
190
00:06:53,414 --> 00:06:55,414
But Guillermo has truly
outdone himself.
191
00:06:55,416 --> 00:06:58,049
Gather round, look at the
cross-stitching on that inseam.
192
00:06:59,153 --> 00:07:01,119
Could we not gather
around my inseam?
193
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,522
Oh. You're right,
time is wasting.
194
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,524
Emily, you're in charge
of all unwanted hair.
195
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,192
Great. I will start
with those eyebrows.
196
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:10,429
When I'm done,
you'll have two.
197
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,598
Ow!
198
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,767
Oscar, I've been working
on some catchphrases.
199
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,502
Why?
I already have a catchphrase.
200
00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:19,671
"That's how it's done
on Madison Avenue."
201
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,741
Uh-huh. 'Cause your last name's
Madison, we get it.
202
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:25,010
But for TV,
we need to freshen it up.
203
00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,112
How about "Check, please!"
204
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,614
"Holy moly stromboli!"
205
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,950
"Oh, yes, I did go there."
206
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,920
You know, I'm going to keep
that one for myself.
207
00:07:34,922 --> 00:07:36,221
Oh, darn.
208
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:38,857
"Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan."
209
00:07:38,859 --> 00:07:41,560
"A cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie."
210
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,695
My-my grandma
used to say that one.
211
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,664
Then she would throw
a shoe at your head.
212
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:49,768
She got mean towards the end.
213
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,703
Why is my ass so hot?
214
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,105
I'm just spot-steaming.
(laughs)
215
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:56,708
Every little imperfection
is magnified in high-def.
216
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,877
Okay, now you're
making me nervous.
217
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,512
Oh, no, you're
going to be great.
218
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,214
But we should be going.
219
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:04,483
Is Teddy meeting you there?
FELIX:
Oh, uh,
220
00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,485
no. No. Teddy doesn't know.
221
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:07,519
He thought it was
a bad idea.
222
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,820
So we are going to give him
223
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,122
the wonderful surprise
of proving him wrong.
224
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,024
Oh, Oscar.
225
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:15,026
I made you a tie tack
for good luck.
226
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,028
It retails for $65,
227
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:18,563
in case you wanted
to weave that
228
00:08:18,565 --> 00:08:21,066
into one of your little
sports stories. Okay.
229
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:23,068
Oh, break a leg!
Ah!
Knock 'em dead.
230
00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,569
Look at that handsome devil.
231
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,238
Now give us your biggest smile.
232
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:30,242
Oh.
Oh...
Uh...
233
00:08:30,244 --> 00:08:31,543
Not that big.
234
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,612
FELIX: Uh...
DANI:
Mm-mm.
235
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:34,679
Well, that's
just a grimace.
236
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,647
Okay.
237
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,582
Now you just
look angry.
238
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:38,717
Put your fist up again.
239
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,152
Ah, you won't
fool me tw... Oh!
240
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:45,657
Let's go.
241
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:52,264
Wow, those cameras are closer
than I thought they'd be.
242
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:55,901
And the Unger Cut
is at war with my boxer briefs.
243
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,869
Stop messing with my tie tack!
244
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,638
I'm sorry, the backing fell off.
You know what?
245
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,106
It'll be fine.
Just don't fuss with it.
246
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,307
Sir, we need all
non-talent off the stage.
247
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:05,777
That is a very aggressive
choice of words.
248
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:06,978
I have to go.
249
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,780
How do you feel?
I feel okay.
250
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,649
You look like a million bucks.
Fist bump.
251
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:12,150
Ow!
252
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,752
Why did I let you do that again?
253
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:14,819
Sir, we need...
254
00:09:14,821 --> 00:09:16,621
All non-talent off of the stage!
255
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:18,990
Okay, FYI, I am
an accomplished photographer,
256
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,625
I sang a capella in college
257
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,228
and I can make a pair
of tap shoes talk.
258
00:09:24,865 --> 00:09:25,897
I'll go.
259
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:29,334
Ooh, it's time.
Change the channel.
260
00:09:29,336 --> 00:09:31,670
Ooh.
261
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:32,971
Hey!
Oh, hey, hey, come on!
262
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,041
Quit crying.
It's soccer, nobody cares.
263
00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:39,678
And our friend Oscar Madison
is going to be on TV.
264
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,313
Wearing a tie tack that I made.
265
00:09:41,315 --> 00:09:43,715
That retails for $65.
266
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:45,183
As you know, Father's Day
267
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,618
is right around the corner,
so if anyone...
268
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,219
Stop talking!
269
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,155
You stop talking!
270
00:09:50,157 --> 00:09:52,357
Oh, yes, I did go there.
271
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:55,360
Nailed it.
272
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:56,995
(both laughing)
273
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,663
Ooh! Okay, the
show is starting.
274
00:09:58,665 --> 00:09:59,831
Everybody quiet!
275
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,232
Welcome to The First String,
276
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,068
your daily dose
of sports and opinion.
277
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,336
I'm your host Rich Eisen.
278
00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:06,004
With me, as always,
is Kenny Smith.
279
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,173
And between us, we've won
two NBA championships.
280
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,742
Which is two more
than Charles Barkley.
281
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:13,211
Excellent
drive-by, Kenny.
282
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,380
And also joining us today
283
00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:17,749
is the man you're embarrassed
to wake up with in the morning,
284
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:19,351
satellite radio host
Oscar Madison.
285
00:10:19,353 --> 00:10:20,385
Welcome, Oscar.
286
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,354
Thanks for having me, Rich.
287
00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:24,222
Usually, I talk sports
in my underwear,
288
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,157
but today I put on a suit.
289
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,660
You know, over the underwear.
290
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:30,261
Ha-ha.
291
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:33,365
Fun fact.
292
00:10:33,367 --> 00:10:35,934
Don't go anywhere.
293
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,738
We'll discuss all of today's
sports headlines after this.
294
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:42,007
We're clear.
Back in 30 seconds.
295
00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:45,944
That was great.
Perfect.
296
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:47,879
Couple of thoughts.
Now, you're on TV,
297
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,748
so you want the composed
hands of a Charlie Rose,
298
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,883
not the frantic hands of
a LaGuardia landing crew.
299
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,220
And remember what we
talked about in the cab.
300
00:10:55,222 --> 00:10:56,888
Smile with your eyes,
301
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:59,658
not with your teeth.
302
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,259
Please don't be here.
303
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:05,063
Back in ten. Keep
moving, Ansel Adams.
304
00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,831
History's greatest
landscape photographer?
305
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,833
I'll take it.
306
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:12,037
Then they got that big game
in New York tonight...
307
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,738
Look at you, Oscar!
You're on TV!
308
00:11:13,740 --> 00:11:15,373
My roommate!
309
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:18,376
My platonic roommate.
310
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,779
What the hell is
going on here?!
311
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:21,813
Teddy.
312
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:22,847
Hello, welcome.
313
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:23,748
What are you doing here?
314
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,750
I came to stop this.
315
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:26,885
But I see I'm too late.
316
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,920
You did this, didn't you?
317
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,789
It's got your
fingerprints all over it.
318
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:34,826
First of all,
I don't leave fingerprints.
319
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:37,262
Second of all,
he wanted to do it.
320
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:40,265
I just helped him... know that.
321
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,833
Felix!
322
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,334
This is a big mistake.
323
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:44,836
Oscar's not built
for television.
324
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:45,837
What are you talking about?
325
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,338
Yesterday you said he was good.
326
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,140
Yes, I lied. I'm an agent!
327
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,376
You should question
everything I say!
328
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,977
I'm surprised you
don't know that.
329
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,713
You're one of the smartest
people I ever met.
330
00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:55,447
Really?
No!
331
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,849
Now, damn it!
332
00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:59,751
Oscar's not gonna be
able to do his job
333
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,252
if he loses his confidence.
334
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,487
Well, I say
we give him a chance.
335
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:04,723
Because I for one
have faith in him!
336
00:12:06,460 --> 00:12:08,093
So, last week, when you said
you loved my risotto?
337
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,830
I never lie about food.
338
00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:13,431
Please, don't talk
to me about Carmelo
339
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:15,734
taking too many steps
to the basket.
340
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,936
Does anybody remember
a guy named Michael Jordan?
341
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:20,405
He traveled so much he...
342
00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:26,745
...got bumped up to first class.
343
00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:30,849
For all his frequent...
traveling.
344
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:32,317
On a court.
345
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:35,787
Not on a plane.
346
00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:37,989
Why is he grimacing?
347
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,491
Why is he sitting on his hands?
348
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,426
I may have given him
a few pointers.
349
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,262
Oh, this is even worse
than the last time.
350
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,431
And last time he touched
Pete Rose's thigh.
351
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:49,534
And no, it did not
make sense in context!
352
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,836
I've been part of sports
for 40 years,
353
00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:54,038
and I've never seen
anything quite so moving.
354
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,106
Beautiful.
355
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,875
Oscar, what do you think?
356
00:12:56,877 --> 00:13:00,011
What do I think?
357
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:03,815
Well, I-I think a...
358
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:07,285
cobbler ain't nothing
but a broken pie.
359
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,354
What does that mean?
360
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,055
I was talking about a man
361
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,558
who rebuilt his life
after being paralyzed.
362
00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,128
Are you calling
a paralyzed person a broken pie?
363
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:20,865
Of course not. I just...
364
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:24,536
Holy moly stromboli!
365
00:13:24,538 --> 00:13:27,438
What's going on?
Did Dan Patrick
put you up to this?
366
00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:30,909
Teddy, can't we just
get him out of there?
367
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:34,078
It's live TV,
you meddling nerd.
368
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,413
With about 12 minutes to go,
369
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:37,816
there's an odd-man rush
up the ice.
370
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,050
(coughing)
As you could see here...
371
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,819
Oh, good. Now he's choking.
372
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,120
Instead of a shot on goal,
373
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,923
what ends up...
374
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:45,957
What happened?
375
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,091
There's a chance he may have
376
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,327
punctured himself
with a tie tack.
377
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,131
It's truly
something remarkable...
378
00:13:57,871 --> 00:13:59,237
Oh, that's not good.
379
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:02,907
Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.
380
00:14:02,909 --> 00:14:05,143
Is that your tie tack?
381
00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,412
You can't prove that.
382
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,980
That's our program for today.
383
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,515
I want to thank
my guests Kenny Smith
384
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,250
and Oscar Madison.
385
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,551
You okay there, buddy?
386
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,053
Yep, you really left
387
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,921
some blood out there
on the court.
388
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:18,489
Don't make him laugh, Kenny.
389
00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:21,392
It'll reopen the wound.
390
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,228
Oh, that'll wrap it up.
391
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,262
Thanks for watching
today's show.
392
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:25,363
We'll see you tomorrow.
393
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,631
WOMAN:
That's clear!
394
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,601
Hey, there he is.
395
00:14:29,603 --> 00:14:31,069
(whoops)
396
00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:34,906
Was I just bleeding
on national television?
397
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,875
Technically no.
398
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:40,044
A lot of the affiliates
switched over to senior bowling.
399
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,113
Teddy.
400
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,248
How long have you been here?
401
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,582
Long enough!
402
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,918
Okay, go ahead and say it.
403
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,454
What? That I told you
not to do this?
404
00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:50,922
That you just ignored my advice
405
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,090
and ended up
in this train wreck?
406
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,124
You know, if I could
just get in there
407
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,325
with some club soda, I could...
408
00:14:55,629 --> 00:14:57,195
This is why I didn't
want you on TV.
409
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,963
I was protecting you.
410
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:00,965
I'm an adult!
I don't need your protection!
411
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:04,969
Says the man with a chest
wound from his own jewelry.
412
00:15:04,971 --> 00:15:06,371
Just want to get it
before it gets to the suit,
413
00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,940
because merino wool is
such a thirsty fabric.
414
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,675
And I certainly
don't need a lecture.
415
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,543
Oh, I think you do.
416
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,012
You need to show me
some respect, Oscar.
417
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,514
I made you!
I found you doing play-by-play
418
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:19,484
for the Burlington Beavers
on W-who-gives-a-crap!
419
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:21,686
And that Beaver was
your only client.
420
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:24,622
Some idiot running around
in a moth-eaten suit.
421
00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,291
Hey, let's not pick on mascots.
Some call them
422
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,692
the hardest working people
in sports.
423
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,661
Okay, so if you're
not gonna take my advice,
424
00:15:29,663 --> 00:15:32,063
then I guess
you don't need me anymore.
425
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,666
Have fun humiliating yourself!
426
00:15:34,668 --> 00:15:38,236
I will!
427
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,505
Oscar, I am so sorry.
428
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,173
I know this did not
work out as planned.
429
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,143
But I promise you...
430
00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,078
I can get that out
with vinegar and borax.
431
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,988
Wow, that clip of Oscar
bleeding just keeps trending.
432
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:58,990
I know.
433
00:15:58,992 --> 00:16:02,193
He just passed the video of
the Shar Pei on the trampoline.
434
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:05,964
Aw, that little guy's
having such a good time.
435
00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,966
What are you guys watching?
436
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,001
Porn.
437
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,538
Yup. Turns out we both like
438
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,606
something with a little story.
439
00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,144
Am I still trending?
440
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,512
Oscar, I am so sorry.
441
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:23,648
No, it was my decision.
442
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,184
Have you spoken to Teddy?
Nope.
443
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,552
Are you going to?
Nope.
444
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,487
Do you think that maybe...?
Nope.
445
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:33,157
If he wants to talk to me,
he knows where to find me.
446
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,294
Oh, by the way,
I have an extra ticket
447
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,663
to tonight's Knicks game
if you want to go with me.
448
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,665
Me? Sure!
449
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,101
Sounds like a hoot.
450
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,636
A couple of fellows
451
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,373
cheering on the Knickerbockers.
452
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:51,376
I'll just drink a lot.
453
00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:56,047
Did you hear that?
Very disturbing.
454
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:58,249
I know. You call them the
Knickerbockers tonight,
455
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:00,418
you can get stabbed
dead in the men's room.
456
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:04,055
No, no. He always takes
Teddy to the Knicks games.
457
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,724
I can't believe it, I've caused
a rift in a 20-year friendship.
458
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,160
I have never seen them this mad.
459
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,495
The good news is now
that I've exposed the cracks
460
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:11,596
in the foundation
of the friendship,
461
00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:12,663
I can fix them.
462
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:13,765
No, no, no. No, no.
463
00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,133
You need to stay out of this.
464
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:16,501
Just give them time.
Yes.
465
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,036
Exactly what they need-- time!
466
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,771
And a little nudge
from their friend Felix.
467
00:17:19,773 --> 00:17:21,406
No. No nudge.
468
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,241
Your meddling is what
got them into this.
469
00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:24,475
Exactly!
470
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,210
And only more meddling
can get them out!
471
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,747
I'm just gonna drink a lot.
472
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,484
(knocking)
473
00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:38,823
Well, here I am.
474
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,659
Yes, you are.
475
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,327
Aren't you gonna invite me in?
476
00:17:43,329 --> 00:17:44,562
I guess.
477
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,765
"I guess"?
478
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,700
Is that the way
you start an apology?
479
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:52,170
"Apology"?
What are you talking about?
480
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,171
I got your text.
481
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,439
I didn't send you a text.
482
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,140
FELIX (muffled):
I did.
483
00:17:56,142 --> 00:17:57,442
It was I.
484
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,311
Felix?
485
00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,612
FELIX:
20 years ago,
486
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,713
a mascot brought
487
00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,182
two good friends together.
488
00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:07,085
And so it shall be again.
489
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,419
Ca-caw!
Whoa!
490
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:09,854
What's that?!
491
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,224
Oh, my good God!
492
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,193
It's my old Screaming Eagle head
from high school.
493
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:17,462
I thought it would be weird
to wear the whole thing.
494
00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,831
Yeah, that would've been silly.
495
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:24,469
What is a mascot?
496
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,170
A kid with no friends?
497
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,305
A failed gymnast?
498
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,640
A virgin?
499
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,111
That's right-- a hero.
500
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:36,147
Who lifts spirits and brings
501
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:38,583
people together
in times of crisis.
502
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,151
When it's the fourth quarter,
503
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,286
and you're down
ten sports points.
504
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,159
This is why mascots don't speak.
505
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,761
Oscar, Teddy,
506
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,897
your friendship is losing
in the fourth quarter.
507
00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,665
There are issues
that you need to work on.
508
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,234
But I know
that you can get through it,
509
00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,635
if you treat each other
with a little...
510
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,137
C! O!
511
00:18:59,139 --> 00:19:00,605
M! P...
512
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:02,673
What are you trying to spell?
513
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,408
Compassion and understanding!
514
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,312
A! S!
515
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,881
Oh, hey, cool, you want
to fly me around!
516
00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,249
Cool. The girls used
to do that, too.
517
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,550
Thank... Hey!
518
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,185
Hey, guys, wait!
Actually...
519
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,686
Hey! Hey! Not cool!
520
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,355
Not cool at all.
521
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:20,191
Although I'm glad to see
you working as a team.
522
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:21,926
Can you believe this guy?
523
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,694
He's the reason
we're fighting so much.
524
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:25,863
Yeah. Well, that's
525
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,865
not completely true.
526
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,400
He's the one who wanted me
to go on the show.
527
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,335
But I'm the one who did it.
528
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,403
Well, if I had been
straight with you
529
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:34,939
and told you the
truth years ago,
530
00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:37,241
maybe you would've
listened to me.
531
00:19:37,243 --> 00:19:39,777
Hey, guys? I-I can't
get the head off!
532
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,846
It's stuck!
533
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,514
OSCAR:
You were just being
a good agent.
534
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,883
And a good friend.
535
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:48,286
Hey-hey, guys?
It's really stuck.
536
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:52,256
I forgot that my mom
used to butter my ears!
537
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:53,925
I just wanted
what was best for you.
538
00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:55,593
And you gave me that.
I've got the best job
539
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,428
in the world thanks to you.
540
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,731
No, I've got the best job
in the world thanks to you.
541
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,667
Hey, guys? I can't see anything
and I'm starting to panic!
542
00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:09,874
If you put stickers on the
window, the birds won't do that.
543
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,812
Come on, little birdy.
Come on.
544
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:16,881
Let's get you in your nest.
Come on.
545
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:18,316
That's it.
546
00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:21,252
Tweet tweet.
547
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,453
You want to go
to the Knicks game with me?
548
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,222
Yeah, I'd love it.
549
00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,623
All right, you hold, I pull.
550
00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:27,692
I've got a lot of
mascot experience.
551
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:30,761
How long was I in the locker?
552
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:31,896
Are we still winning?
553
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:34,365
Eagle power! Caw!
554
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:42,473
And we're out of time.
555
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,975
I want to thank
my guests Rich Eisen
556
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:46,544
and Kenny Smith
for doing my show.
557
00:20:46,546 --> 00:20:48,546
Hey, I owe you. That, uh,
gaping chest wound of yours
558
00:20:48,548 --> 00:20:51,682
was a real ratings grabber.
559
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:53,618
So, you'll have me back, then?
560
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,020
No.
561
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,856
Thanks for listening
to The Oscar Madison Show.
562
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,725
Hey, Oscar, that was fun.
563
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,460
Yeah, it was a real treat...
564
00:21:02,462 --> 00:21:05,429
seeing the inside
of your spare bedroom.
565
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,398
Well, we may not have
a big TV budget,
566
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,268
but it does have its advantages.
567
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:12,270
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
568
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:14,005
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org