1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:04,336
SPORTS ANNOUNCER: And this game
is going into extra innings.
2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,105
And here we go.
Who needs a pizza
3
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:09,141
when you've got a lovingly
crafted saffron risotto
4
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,709
with butternut squash?
5
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:12,277
Now then...
6
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:13,512
I toasted the rice
in butter
7
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,547
to bring out
an intriguing nuttiness.
8
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:18,517
Then I coddled it in wine
to coax out the full flavor,
9
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,519
maximizing its natural...
10
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:29,361
Done.
Done.
11
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,030
Any more mashed potatoes?
Yeah.
12
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,366
It's risotto,
which you would know
13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:35,667
if you'd let it linger
in your mouth
14
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,603
instead of opening your throat
like a seagull.
15
00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:39,738
Well, no more for me.
16
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,473
I'm having dinner with Brooke.
17
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:43,375
And afterwards, please
make yourself scarce.
18
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,778
I'm hoping we end up back here
for a little nightcap,
19
00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:47,379
if you know what I mean.
20
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,481
Yes, I always know
what you mean, Oscar,
21
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,618
because you only ever talk
about sex and hamburgers.
22
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:56,055
Ah, your cologne, Oscar.
23
00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:58,490
I had to go to three stores
to find Obsession for Men.
24
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,592
Apparently it's
bar mitzvah season.
25
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:03,128
Hey, Felix.
26
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,396
Oh, hey.
27
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,098
Dani and I are thinking
about going
28
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,400
to that new movie theater
tonight that serves alcohol.
29
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,568
Oh, what's showing?
30
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,637
I don't know; they serve
alcohol.
31
00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,739
Sorry, I would love to,
32
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:15,374
but I have an event
here tonight.
33
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,608
Oh, and don't worry, Oscar.
34
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,444
We will be exiting
before you are entering,
35
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,580
if you know what I...
Now you've got me doing it.
36
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,216
What assortment of weirdos
are you hosting tonight?
37
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:27,586
Book club, string quartet,
paranoid old people?
38
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,521
It's called
Neighborhood Watch.
39
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,592
And no, tonight is
all about LARPing.
40
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,128
LARPing? What's LAR...
41
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:37,629
No, no, no, no, no!
42
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,766
Now he's gonna tell us
what it us.
43
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:43,235
LARP stands for
live action role play.
44
00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,437
Every year my
historical society and I
45
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,705
put on an event
at Ellis Island.
46
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,574
We dress in turn
of the century garb
47
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,576
and recreate the
immigration experience
48
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,111
for schoolchildren.
49
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:54,413
It is quite the
educational tool.
50
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,681
And so are you.
51
00:01:56,817 --> 00:01:59,451
Thank you.
52
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,420
Tonight we meet and mingle
53
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:03,589
before we enter the time
machine of our imaginations.
54
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:04,857
You know, we're looking
for volunteers,
55
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,558
if anyone would
like to join us.
56
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,559
Oh, that-that sounds
amazing.
57
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,562
You should look
up "amazing."
58
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:11,697
No, really.
59
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,799
I've a-always wanted to do that.
60
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,735
You should look
up "desperate."
61
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,570
Well, I'm so glad
you're going to join us, Emily.
62
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:19,805
The meeting starts
promptly at 7:00,
63
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,340
and don't be late,
64
00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:22,541
because we'll be
assigning characters
65
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,742
and handing out diseases.
66
00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,878
If you're lucky,
you'll get syphilis.
67
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,148
You should look up "lucky."
68
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,451
You guys really need
to get a dictionary.
69
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,449
Oh, how I envy you, Emily.
70
00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:05,584
It's like they say.
71
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,952
You never forget
your first LARP.
72
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,921
(chuckles)
73
00:03:08,923 --> 00:03:11,456
I am liking this crowd.
74
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,760
Not since Space Camp
have I felt this hot.
75
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,762
Felix, thanks again
for hosting us.
76
00:03:16,764 --> 00:03:17,963
Oh, my pleasure.
77
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,932
Please don't let
my generosity sway you
78
00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,833
when you're
assigning characters. Crab puff?
79
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:23,602
Ooh, my favorite.
80
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:24,970
Really? I didn't know that.
81
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,873
Oh, did you hear
82
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,241
about Roger?
83
00:03:29,243 --> 00:03:30,876
He passed away.
84
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,746
Oh, no. Roger was the star
of our little reenactments.
85
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:36,481
Such a huge loss.
86
00:03:36,483 --> 00:03:37,950
He was a dear man.
87
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:38,884
He will be missed.
88
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:41,853
(whispering):
Yes.
89
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,757
Not a fan of Roger?
90
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,526
No, no, he was
a nice enough fellow
91
00:03:47,528 --> 00:03:49,795
who spent the last ten years
hogging the plum role
92
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:50,996
of chief medical inspector
93
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,497
while I have been clawing
my way up
94
00:03:52,499 --> 00:03:53,832
from Czechoslovakian
mental patient
95
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,500
to assistant de-louser.
96
00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:57,903
But now the field is wide open.
97
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,972
In fact, really,
my only competition is...
98
00:03:59,974 --> 00:04:01,440
Hello, everyone.
99
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,909
...Stuart.
100
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,844
I see the tired
and poor are here.
101
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,313
Oh, wait...
that's just the Ludermans.
102
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:12,284
Will you look at that pompous,
insufferable know-it-all.
103
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,385
You don't like him?
104
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:14,620
Oh, please, he's everything
105
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,488
that's not cool about LARPing.
106
00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:18,390
Hello, Felix.
107
00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,524
Stuart.
108
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:20,726
This is my friend Emily.
109
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,961
Emily, Stuart.
110
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:24,696
Nice to meet you. Welcome.
111
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:25,931
It's my home.
112
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,467
I welcome people.
113
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:31,270
I meant welcome
to the historical society.
114
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,871
It's always nice
to have fresh faces,
115
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,807
especially when those faces
are as pretty as yours.
116
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,042
See?
117
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:37,943
So hot.
118
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,581
And that's quite a beard
you've got there.
119
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,383
Thank you. (chuckles)
120
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,385
During the 1890s,
beards were popular
121
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:49,821
amongst men of high status,
alderman, industrialists,
122
00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:51,423
chief medical inspectors.
123
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,058
Roger is not even in the ground,
124
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,960
and you're growing facial hair
to try to get his role?
125
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,029
That is disgraceful.
126
00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:59,298
So transparent.
127
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,000
Helen, do you have a light
for my period-specific pipe?
128
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,040
Here you go.
129
00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:10,542
Can I interest you two
in some dessert?
130
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,411
Well, you could,
but I was thinking
131
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:14,980
maybe we could go back
to my place for dessert.
132
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,749
Well, I wouldn't mind something
a little sweet.
133
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,552
I think I could satisfy
your sweet tooth.
134
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:24,489
Thank you for making me
a part of your foreplay.
135
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,759
Hey, Oscar.
136
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,928
What are you doing here?
I'm actually on a date.
137
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,063
I'd like to introduce you to...
138
00:05:31,065 --> 00:05:31,963
Brooke? Hey!
139
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,865
Murph! (giggles)
140
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,534
Oh, you two know each other?
141
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,768
Yeah, we go way back.
142
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,103
God, you look great.
143
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,504
You look great, too.
144
00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,506
How do you two know each other?
145
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:43,075
Oh, we dated for a few months.
146
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,543
He was playing for the Mets
147
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,010
and I was still working
in player relations.
148
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,680
Don't worry, I didn't relate
to all the players that way.
149
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,881
(laughter)
150
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,951
Vague but alarming.
151
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:54,953
God, it was great to see you.
152
00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,755
I'll let you guys get back
to your meeting.
153
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,790
It's a date, Murph,
we're on a date.
154
00:05:58,792 --> 00:05:59,991
Jessica? Hey!
155
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:02,027
Murph.
156
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,495
Yeah, Murph.
157
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,963
He's like a brother to me.
158
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,432
Is he like a brother to you?
159
00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:10,035
Oscar, are you worried
about me and Murph?
160
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,837
Because trust me,
it was nothing.
161
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:14,005
Oh, good.
Yeah, we had nothing in common.
162
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,375
Our relationship
was purely physical.
163
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:21,713
(weakly):
Oh, good.
164
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,148
We never talked or went out.
165
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,784
It was the same thing
over and over and over...
166
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:26,952
Yeah, I get it.
167
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,820
A lot of overs.
168
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,123
Compliments of that big
169
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,625
mountain of hot over there.
170
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,495
You play your cards right,
you might get an upgrade.
171
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,864
(laughter)
172
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:45,537
Of course, we were all
sorry to lose Roger Keaton,
173
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:48,140
who for ten years played
our chief medical inspector.
174
00:06:48,142 --> 00:06:51,176
Tragic loss.
175
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:54,813
Hard to replace.
176
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,415
But we must move on.
177
00:06:56,417 --> 00:06:59,151
So our new chief inspector is...
178
00:06:59,153 --> 00:07:00,051
Felix Unger.
179
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:02,521
Oh, yes, thank you.
180
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:04,623
I don't know what sort
of arduous process
181
00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:06,458
resulted in my selection...
182
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,026
We flipped a coin.
183
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,061
...and I don't need to know,
184
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:12,431
but thank you, gang!
185
00:07:12,433 --> 00:07:14,833
The rest of you,
see me to get your parts.
186
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,201
Congratulations.
187
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:18,470
Oh, thank you.
Emily, when I was a child,
188
00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:20,572
I was always the nerdy kid
who corrected the museum guides.
189
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:23,141
But they can't kick me out
and make me wait on the bus now.
190
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,680
Bully for you, Felix.
Wow, you're taking this well.
191
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:30,615
(in Irish brogue):
After the potato famine,
192
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,084
I'm just lucky to be alive.
193
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,486
I see you're playing
the Irish butcher.
194
00:07:34,488 --> 00:07:37,222
Fun. Common man.
195
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:40,959
And you, lassie, are going
to be my lovely bride.
196
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,161
Aarr!
197
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,164
I don't...
198
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,699
That was...
199
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:49,201
A pirate came out.
200
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,139
We will get you
some dialect tapes
201
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,707
so you're historically accurate.
202
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,175
Okay, or you could coach me.
203
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,244
(in Indian accent):
We could go to an Irish pub
204
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,879
and share a pint of ale.
205
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,548
(in normal voice):
Nope, that is Indian.
206
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,250
I'm sorry, I would love to,
but chief medical inspector
207
00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:07,619
is a big part and I've only got
three days to learn it, so...
208
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:09,254
Oh, okay.
209
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:10,922
I'd love to buy you
a pint, Emily.
210
00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:13,091
Really?
211
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,093
Yeah. We could figure
out our backstory.
212
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,795
Where we're from, how we met...
213
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:17,963
You saved me from a leprechaun.
214
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,131
What's real, what's fake.
215
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:22,567
Okay.
216
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:23,768
Sounds like fun.
217
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,036
How about we make it dinner?
218
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:26,972
We can toast to our marriage.
219
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:30,175
Felix, are you sure you're okay
if we leave the party early?
220
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,943
Because I can stay.
221
00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,245
Oh, no.
222
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:34,779
By all means.
223
00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:35,881
Have fun.
224
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,148
I will.
225
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:44,055
Oh, damn this pipe!
226
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:48,260
TEDDY: Madison needs
to sink this to win.
227
00:08:48,262 --> 00:08:49,761
Putts are breaking
left to right,
228
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,062
following the vacuum patterns
229
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,531
of his anal-retentive roommate.
230
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,567
The crowd falls
231
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,002
to a respectful hush, and...
232
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,904
Miss it!
233
00:09:00,274 --> 00:09:01,773
Good day, Oscar.
234
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,275
Theodore.
235
00:09:03,277 --> 00:09:05,644
Hey, what's up, Sergeant Pepper?
236
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,215
For the next 24 hours,
while I perfect my character,
237
00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,884
I must ask that you address me
by my proper title.
238
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,853
Dorkwad?
239
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:18,189
Chief Medical Inspector
Gideon Granville-Fletchley.
240
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,292
So Inspector Dorkwad.
241
00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:23,161
Teddy, can we watch
the game at your place?
242
00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:24,896
No, Murph is coming here
with the food.
243
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,831
Oh, right, Murph.
244
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,200
I found out a fun fact
about Murph the other day.
245
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,670
Turns out he used
to date Brooke.
246
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:33,572
Uh-oh.
Gadzooks.
247
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:36,341
Talk about a tough act
to follow.
248
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,910
No, what's the big deal?
It was years ago.
249
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,679
Back when Murph
was younger and stronger?
250
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,614
Remember his underwear ad
in Times Square?
251
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,616
Damn.
252
00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:47,586
Cast a shadow
all the way to 48th Street.
253
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,221
You must've been
pretty nervous
254
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:52,891
when you brought
her home last night.
255
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,693
I was so nervous
I didn't bring her home.
256
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,962
I told her it was late
and I had to turn in.
257
00:09:56,964 --> 00:09:58,063
Ah, I would have
bailed, too.
258
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,264
I mean, how can you compete
259
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,266
with a powerhouse like Murph?
260
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,035
Oh, that's, that's interesting.
You see Murph as a powerhouse?
261
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,604
Yeah, well, he was
a professional athlete.
True, true.
262
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:07,606
But I always pictured him
as sort of a gentle lover.
263
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,207
Uh-huh.
Confident enough
to embrace his tender side.
264
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,375
Ah.
265
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,243
What's happening right now?
266
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,245
I see your point,
but I'm just saying,
267
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:16,381
I mean, when you're talking
about raw power...
268
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,949
Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
269
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,718
...you know he can drop
that hammer. Damn.
270
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,987
(door opens)
271
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,154
Hey.
272
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:24,289
What are you guys talking about?
273
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,624
Nothing.
The usual.
274
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:27,626
Sex and hamburgers.
275
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,294
I picked up the sandwiches.
276
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,729
Teddy.
277
00:10:30,731 --> 00:10:33,231
Oscar.
278
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,635
And this one is all me.
279
00:10:36,637 --> 00:10:38,403
Damn.
280
00:10:42,409 --> 00:10:44,409
Oh, Dani.
281
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,378
You sure you don't want to come
experience living history?
282
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:49,280
I don't think you want my take
on the immigrant experience.
283
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,349
(knocking)
284
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:56,321
(in Irish brogue):
Good morning, Inspector.
285
00:10:56,323 --> 00:11:00,091
And may Mary and the angels
bless the work that you do.
286
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,259
Oh, wow.
287
00:11:01,261 --> 00:11:03,328
Your accent has really improved.
288
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,197
(in normal voice):
Stuart's been helping me.
Really?
289
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,366
Yeah, she and Stuart have gone
on a couple of dates now.
290
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,368
Yeah, he took me for Korean
barbecue the other night.
291
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,038
It's so fun.
You get to cook your own food.
292
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,406
Hmm. Maybe next
he'll take you to a restaurant
293
00:11:14,408 --> 00:11:16,808
where you get to bus
your own tables.
294
00:11:18,945 --> 00:11:21,112
I'm gonna get my boots
and we can go.
295
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:22,747
Nicely played.
296
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:23,748
What do you mean?
297
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:24,849
Dating Stuart is obviously
298
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,317
making Felix jealous.
299
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,919
Oh, that's not
why I'm dating him.
300
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,287
Stuart's a great guy.
301
00:11:29,289 --> 00:11:31,456
He's nice, he's smart.
302
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:34,426
He thinks I'm super hot.
303
00:11:34,428 --> 00:11:36,094
He makes Felix jealous.
304
00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,296
Well, if that is
a side effect,
305
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,398
then so be it.
306
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:43,735
Emily, this business
with Stuart.
307
00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:48,406
I've remained quiet about it,
but I don't like it.
308
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:49,874
Oh?
309
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:52,444
Oh.
310
00:11:52,446 --> 00:11:55,313
I'm not a part of this.
311
00:11:57,317 --> 00:12:00,752
So... what don't
you like about it?
312
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,153
Isn't it obvious?
313
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,421
Stuart has an agenda.
314
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,789
He's only dating you
to get to me.
315
00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,391
What?
What?!
316
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:09,461
I'm just gonna walk
into the kitchen
317
00:12:09,463 --> 00:12:12,964
for no apparent reason.
318
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,365
He's jealous
that I got the role.
319
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:15,734
And now he's
infiltrating my world.
320
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,168
and trying to steal
all of my friends.
321
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,170
So, you think that's
the only reason
322
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,005
why he would date me?
323
00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,373
Not because he likes me?
324
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,476
Or because he finds
me interesting?
325
00:12:24,478 --> 00:12:26,978
Or super hot?
326
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,447
No, I-I wasn't trying...
To be mean?
327
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:32,150
Well, you were.
328
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,185
You can catch your own cab.
I'll see you there.
329
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:37,822
Wait, wait. Your peasant rags.
330
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:40,158
That is my regular sweater!
331
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,399
Hey, Dani.
Hey! Oh.
332
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:50,168
I thought I gave
those pants to Goodwill.
333
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:51,770
And Goodwill gave them back.
334
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,404
Well, I definitely
335
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,540
don't think you should wear
those for your date tonight.
336
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,108
Oh, I think
I'm gonna cancel that.
337
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:59,410
Aw, is it because
she slept with Murph?
338
00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:03,014
I heard it from Inspector
Granville in the kitchen.
339
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,849
Why is dating
so complicated?
340
00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:06,417
Sometimes I miss
being married.
341
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,520
You don't have
to compete with anybody.
342
00:13:08,522 --> 00:13:11,189
You barely have to try.
343
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,258
Would you like a
woman's opinion?
344
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:15,260
I already got one.
I spoke to Felix.
345
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,331
You don't have to be
threatened by Murph.
346
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:23,434
A lot of times, guys like
that aren't the best in bed.
347
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,435
Really?
Yeah!
348
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,037
Super hot guys don't think
349
00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:27,372
they have to make a
woman feel special.
350
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,973
Once I dated this
gorgeous fireman.
351
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:30,341
He thought he'd done his job
352
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,976
just by showing up
and looking pretty.
353
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:34,512
So, he didn't hustle?
Because I'm all hustle.
354
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,580
And that's important.
355
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,048
Just make Brooke think
356
00:13:37,050 --> 00:13:39,050
she's the only
person on your mind.
357
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,119
I can do that.
Yeah, of course you can.
358
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:43,121
Now, get on out there
and make some sweet love.
359
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,423
(groans)
Yeah, I thought that'd be funny.
360
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:48,960
But I really regret it now.
361
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,968
And so, Svetlana Korsak
362
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,537
of Novosibirsk, Russia,
363
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:02,073
I find that you are
neither an anarchist
364
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:05,877
nor a mental defective.
365
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:08,613
Welcome to America.
366
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,615
Spasibo.
367
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:11,983
Or as my new country say,
368
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:13,952
thank you.
369
00:14:16,122 --> 00:14:17,989
And does anybody have questions
for the inspector?
370
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,090
Yes.
371
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,258
My dad says immigrants
372
00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,860
are ruining this country.
373
00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,496
And you're off to the snack bar!
374
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,466
Great job, people.
375
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:31,236
The last group's coming through
in ten minutes.
376
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,572
Emily?
377
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,908
Felix.
378
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,510
Well done. I mean, I-I have
seen wretched refuse before.
379
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:41,880
But you were truly
the most wretched.
380
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,582
Which was meant
to be a compliment.
381
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,918
Which was leading up
to an apology.
382
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,087
You don't have to apologize.
383
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,955
Thanks to you,
I met a really great guy,
384
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,991
who is taking me
to the Brooklyn Beard
385
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,226
and Mustache Fest tonight.
386
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,496
That was fun, Felix.
387
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,265
You make a great inspector.
388
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,366
Oh, thanks, Kerry.
389
00:15:01,368 --> 00:15:03,501
Your accent's come a long way.
390
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:07,105
You hardly sound like Count
Chocula at all anymore.
391
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,007
It's all thanks to Stuart.
392
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:11,242
He's a great dialect coach.
393
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,545
Last night, he was doing
an accent in his sleep.
394
00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:16,381
Wait.
395
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,383
You and Stuart are dating?
396
00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:19,517
I'm not supposed
to talk about it.
397
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:20,685
He doesn't like
to mix our love life
398
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:23,655
and our LARP life.
399
00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:25,590
Okay, next group's just arrived.
400
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,091
Inspector, look alive.
401
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:30,295
Immigrants, look barely alive.
402
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:34,532
(moans)
403
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,068
Yeah.
404
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,704
Yes, this is hot.
405
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,472
It is hot.
406
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,374
Oh, Oscar!
407
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,943
Oh, Murph!
408
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:50,615
No, I didn't!
409
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,417
Yes, you did.
410
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,118
You called me Murph.
411
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,553
No, I called you Nerf.
412
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,622
'Cause you're
soft and squishy
413
00:15:57,624 --> 00:15:59,524
like a child's football.
414
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,060
All right, I called you Murph.
415
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:04,529
Oh, my God! Why?
416
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,464
Were you thinking about Murph
while we were...?
417
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:08,299
No! No! I mean yes.
418
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:11,069
But not in that way.
419
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,737
Ever since I heard
about you and Murph,
420
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,640
I've been worried
about how I would...
421
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,343
compare.
422
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:19,544
Really?
423
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:21,079
I know, I shouldn't have.
424
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:23,047
Should I have?
425
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,718
Oscar, you have
nothing to worry about.
426
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,654
And I like that you're
being vulnerable with me.
427
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,023
I never had that kind
of connection with Murph.
428
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,992
Good.
429
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,666
'Cause the guys had me
all worried.
430
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,768
Teddy and Felix were like,
431
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,236
"Brooke's done it with Murph?
432
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,704
"That guy can really
bring down the hammer.
433
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:48,773
Damn!"
434
00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:51,409
Really?
435
00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,077
And then my assistant said
436
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:55,113
that hot guys don't
make good lovers.
437
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:56,714
And then my barber,
who's pretty hot,
438
00:16:56,716 --> 00:16:59,784
but not as hot
as Murph, agreed.
439
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:03,321
I shouldn't have said
that last part, huh?
440
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,056
You've talked to a lot
of people about Murph.
441
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,791
Maybe you should talk
to a therapist, too.
442
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,693
Because clearly you're obsessed.
443
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,695
Well, I was just...
444
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:13,331
feeling so vulnerable.
445
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,666
Nope. Not gonna work twice.
446
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:16,768
Well, what about the kissing?
447
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,436
How did I compare with Murph?
448
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:22,340
The guys are gonna want to know!
449
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,342
You will do well here
450
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,044
if you work hard
451
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:28,046
and keep your nose clean.
452
00:17:28,048 --> 00:17:29,614
And that's good advice
to all of us, boys and girls.
453
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:32,350
Because nasal health is
no laughing matter.
454
00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,385
Welcome...
455
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,220
to America!
456
00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:37,388
Who's next?
457
00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,424
'Tis I, Rowan O'Flannery.
458
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:42,160
A humble butcher
from County Cork.
459
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,694
And my wife Colleen,
460
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:47,432
who is ripe with child.
461
00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,267
We are faint from hunger.
462
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:52,503
Fleeing from the
potato phantom.
463
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,573
It's "famine."
464
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,742
Oh, that makes a lot more sense.
465
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,711
We have taken this long voyage
466
00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,580
to make sure that
467
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,551
our baby will be born American.
468
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:13,091
Not so fast!
469
00:18:13,093 --> 00:18:14,525
What are you doing?
This isn't in the script.
470
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,726
FELIX:
Well!
471
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,228
It's my job to make sure
472
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,596
that you have
the moral fortitude
473
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,631
to be an American.
474
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,801
For example, have you laid with
a woman who is not your wife?
475
00:18:25,572 --> 00:18:28,339
How dare you impugn
my character, sir!
476
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:31,509
That is a boldface lie!
477
00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,578
Is it? You haven't
been consorting
478
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,346
with a certain busty Russian?!
479
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:39,517
What is he
talking about, Stuart?
480
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,885
He is two-timing you.
481
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,488
He is a cad and a bounder!
482
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:47,492
Entry de... nied!
483
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,195
This is why we can't talk
484
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:52,530
about our relationship?
485
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,599
So you can cheat on me?
486
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:57,602
Kerry, wait!
487
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:00,438
Okay, kids,
time for the snack bar.
488
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,641
Freedom fries for everyone!
489
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,444
You're done here.
490
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:07,512
What about next month's LARP?
491
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,180
Oh, you can forget the Alamo.
492
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,518
Well, thank you
for humiliating me.
493
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:16,654
Don't you mean thank you for
saving you from that phony?
494
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,222
I can take care of myself.
495
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,524
Uh, obviously you can't.
496
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,392
And thanks to you,
I've lost my inspectorship.
497
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,561
Oh, no!
498
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:26,864
The history dweebs will have
to find a new king!
499
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,933
Oh, come on, you have to
admit this is ridiculous.
500
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,334
Then why did you
volunteer for it?
501
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:31,836
Because you asked me.
502
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,804
Because you're my friend and
I wanted to share it with you!
503
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,873
Well, you're my friend
and I wanted to support you!
504
00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,842
Which is what makes you
such a wonderful person!
505
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,677
Thank you for noticing!
506
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,179
And you deserve
someone better than him!
507
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:42,413
It seems like we're sharing
508
00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:43,481
a really nice moment!
509
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:44,849
It does!
510
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:50,488
Should I get us some lattes
for the ferry?
511
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,423
That would be great.
I'll save you a seat.
512
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:53,357
I'll see you there.
513
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,760
Oh.
(laughs)
514
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,433
We still on for Beard Fest?
515
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:06,337
There's a goatee petting zoo.
516
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:07,705
Ew.
517
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,507
Fair enough.
See you on the ferry.
518
00:20:16,950 --> 00:20:18,583
Farewell,
Chief Medical Inspector
519
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,252
Gideon Granville-Fletchley.
520
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,753
Till I sew you into an outfit
521
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,823
for the Renaissance Faire.
522
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:27,858
I guess we both
got rejected tonight.
523
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,961
Me by a woman and...
524
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:33,431
you by the dregs of society.
525
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,734
Well, hope you've
learned the dangers
526
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,603
of comparing yourself
to other people.
527
00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:41,606
We don't need to worry about how
our friends are in the bedroom.
528
00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:42,773
It's not like we sit
around wondering
529
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,242
about Teddy's sex life.
530
00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:45,409
(laughs):
No, we don't.
531
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,249
Although I'm guessing he
would be pretty conservative.
532
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,917
That was my first thought,
but I could see him
533
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:53,985
being pretty playful.
534
00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:55,286
Really?
Mm-hmm.
535
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:56,354
I could see Teddy into a bit
536
00:20:56,356 --> 00:20:57,355
of role-playing, you know?
537
00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,422
Surprising the wife
538
00:20:58,424 --> 00:20:59,857
as a delivery man
or a plumber.
539
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,529
I understand you need
someone to fix a leak.
540
00:21:05,531 --> 00:21:08,266
But my husband's not home.
541
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,603
Somebody here ordered a pizza?
542
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,272
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
543
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,940
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org