1
00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:03,235
Thank you for showing
me how to do this.
2
00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:04,636
You are really
good at it.
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:07,139
As a boy, I would practice
with my imaginary friend.
4
00:00:07,141 --> 00:00:09,708
A stern but loving
German housekeeper.
5
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:11,176
(laughs)
6
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:13,012
Boy, I hope people
don't talk.
7
00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:16,248
You know, 'cause the
sheets are between us.
8
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:19,084
Instead of us being
between the sheets.
9
00:00:19,086 --> 00:00:20,519
Which is something
people would talk about.
10
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,520
Can you imagine?
11
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:23,222
I haven't.
12
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,763
Oscar, how many times
have I told you...?
13
00:00:30,765 --> 00:00:32,765
Don't...
14
00:00:32,767 --> 00:00:35,401
Don't.
15
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,070
(babbles)
16
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,304
Okay, what happened?
17
00:00:39,306 --> 00:00:40,439
I'll tell you what happened.
18
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,241
I'm being audited by the IRS.
19
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:45,110
Oh, no.
From five years ago--
I mean, what the hell?
20
00:00:45,112 --> 00:00:46,645
Well, maybe...
I'll tell you
what the hell.
21
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,480
Somebody's got it out for me.
22
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,282
Probably some
government lackey
23
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,117
who's trying to make
a name for himself
24
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:53,519
by bringing down
a big celebrity.
25
00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:57,122
Me.
26
00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:59,124
Oh.
27
00:00:59,126 --> 00:01:01,794
Uh, Oscar, you and your ex-wife
filed jointly that year.
28
00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:03,695
You're gonna have
to go down there with her.
29
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,130
Felix?
30
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,234
(muffled scream)
31
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:12,237
Hey, you know
what might distract him?
32
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,173
Show him your folding trick.
33
00:01:14,174 --> 00:01:16,108
I'm not in the mood for
your sheet right now.
34
00:01:16,110 --> 00:01:18,210
Oscar, it's gonna
be just fine.
35
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,812
You know what, I made a cherry
pie; get yourself a piece.
36
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,146
(gasps) My God,
what have I done?
37
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,548
What do you mean?
38
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,249
I think there is
the slightest chance
39
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:25,517
that I might possibly bear
the tiniest amount
40
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,219
of responsibility for this.
41
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,254
I don't understand
why the IRS would call me in.
42
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:30,689
My tax return is
above reproach.
43
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,524
Uh, give me a second
to find your case.
44
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,226
Oh, it's a case.
45
00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,727
Is it the case
of the conscientious citizen?
46
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:36,862
Because that's what I am.
47
00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,297
Meanwhile,
48
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:39,731
as you vultures
persecute the innocent,
49
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:42,267
your average Joe Sixpack
is rounding off numbers
50
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:45,104
and fudging receipts,
and no one looks at him twice.
51
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:48,173
I'm not familiar
with, uh, Mr. Sixpack.
52
00:01:48,175 --> 00:01:50,442
It's a figure of speech.
53
00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,111
I was actually thinking
about my roommate.
54
00:01:52,113 --> 00:01:53,345
I keep saying to him,
"One of these days,
55
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:54,713
they're gonna get you,
Oscar Madison!"
56
00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,115
He just laughs.
57
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:59,151
Well, who's laughing now?
58
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:00,786
I guess it's still him.
59
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,287
Okay, found your return.
60
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,856
Looks like we need
your signature.
61
00:02:03,858 --> 00:02:06,291
What?
62
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:07,292
You just forgot
to sign it.
63
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,128
Oh.
(chuckles)
64
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:10,529
Silly me.
65
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,232
Hey, sorry about the whole
vultures thing.
66
00:02:15,169 --> 00:02:18,170
I'm sorry that I got
my dander up.
67
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,172
Guess this case
is closed.
68
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,607
Uh, hold on.
69
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,876
Uh, this Oscar Madison,
he's your roommate?
70
00:02:23,878 --> 00:02:25,544
Can I contact him
at this address?
71
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:26,545
Hmm?
72
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,780
Oh. No.
73
00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:30,782
Uh, you can't, because he moved.
74
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:33,185
And changed his name.
75
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:34,353
And his sex.
76
00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:38,624
Goes by Rhonda now.
77
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,293
Rhonda Pencil-Cup.
78
00:02:42,196 --> 00:02:44,496
Good day!
79
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,831
(sighs)
Oscar is gonna blow his top
80
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,266
when he finds out
this is my fault.
81
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,234
Who says he has
to find out?
82
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:51,236
Well, because I know myself.
83
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:53,238
I have no choice
but to clear my conscience.
84
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,240
There is nothing stronger
than the Unger integrity.
85
00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:56,375
(clears throat)
86
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,377
Oscar?
87
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:01,346
What?
88
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:03,715
There's ice cream, too.
89
00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,976
Help me go through these
receipts before Gaby gets here.
90
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:32,978
Did we discuss business
at Cafe Bistro?
91
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,280
Yeah, that's where we
negotiated your last contract.
92
00:03:35,282 --> 00:03:37,282
And then did we continue
that discussion
93
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:40,886
while enjoying drinks and
exotic dances at The Jiffy Boob?
94
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,490
Yeah, that's where you
signed the contract.
95
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:46,625
Remember?
96
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,694
Cinnamon let us use
her back as a table.
97
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:50,862
(knocking)
98
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,431
It's her.
99
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,267
Hi, Felix.
100
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,635
Gaby, you look radiant.
101
00:03:56,637 --> 00:03:58,437
It's mostly rage,
but thanks.
102
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:02,608
(sighs)
Well, hello, Oscar.
103
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:05,944
Hey, Gab. So where are we
on the hugging situation?
104
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:08,580
Well, since I want
to murder you right now,
105
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,983
the thought of touching you
makes me sick.
106
00:04:10,985 --> 00:04:13,585
Wow, it's like
you never left.
107
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:15,988
Hey, Teddy,
you look great.
108
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,556
Tell Diane that.
109
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,625
She keeps leaving gym
memberships under my pillow.
110
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,429
Oh, look, 60% of my
money is hugging.
111
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:28,467
Wow, so this is what
our apartment looks like
112
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:29,668
without the mess.
113
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,470
Felix, you worked wonders.
114
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,604
Thank you.
115
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,339
I've done a lot
of cleaning in my life,
116
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:36,408
but this--
this was my Everest.
117
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,312
Well, I guess we're all experts
118
00:04:40,314 --> 00:04:42,381
at cleaning up Oscar's messes,
aren't we?
119
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,815
Isn't that why I'm here?
120
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,784
You are aware I had
other things to do today.
121
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,753
Yes, I hear there are
some people out there
122
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,621
who still feel good
about themselves.
123
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,791
Oh, it's so nice to see you two
back together again.
124
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,827
Really makes me appreciate
my boring, stable marriage.
125
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:58,697
By the way, never write that
on an anniversary card.
126
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:04,436
I'll go get my tax records
and be right back.
127
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,638
Oh, hey, if you find the best
years of my life in there,
128
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,839
can I get them back?
129
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,443
(scoffs)
Honestly.
130
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,679
The one year I let
Oscar do our taxes.
131
00:05:13,681 --> 00:05:15,847
Gaby, let's not be
too hard on Oscar.
132
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:16,948
(scoffs)
133
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:19,851
Audits happen
for lots of reasons.
134
00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,688
You think the IRS just
randomly chose his name?
135
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:24,956
No, there's no one to
blame here but Oscar.
136
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,361
As far as we know.
137
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,598
Okay, they want me to
describe my personality
138
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:36,568
so they can match me up
with the perfect man.
Mm.
139
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,403
Uh, well, I'm
intelligent.
Mm-hmm.
140
00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:40,038
I'm whimsical.
Yeah, you are.
141
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,640
I'm hopeful.
Uh-huh.
142
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,075
Cautious.
Go to be.
143
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,676
Doubtful.
Mm.
144
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,912
Frustrated, angry,
self-destructive.
145
00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,915
I hate myself,
forget it.
146
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,950
Why are you looking
to date other guys
147
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,685
when you clearly
like Felix?
148
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,619
Yeah, I'm moving on from that.
149
00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:56,121
I've dropped enough hints,
150
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,556
and clearly he's not
over his marriage.
151
00:05:57,558 --> 00:05:58,757
Maybe he just
needs a jolt
152
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:00,058
to get his heart
started again.
153
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:01,927
Maybe you're like
those heart paddles.
154
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,129
You need to just rip off
your clothes, yell, "Clear!"
155
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,565
and throw yourself
on top of him.
156
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,001
I guess I could stop hinting
157
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,405
and just tell him
that I've developed feelings.
158
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,607
And yell, "Clear!"
and just go to town.
159
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:18,510
Sorry, it's been a while.
160
00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:20,712
It's kind of on my brain.
161
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:24,750
(chuckles nervously)
162
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,051
Hey, Felix.
163
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,153
What can I get you?
Oh, let's see.
164
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,755
Do you have an apartment
that doesn't contain
165
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:30,889
two bickering exes?
166
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:31,890
I do, actually.
167
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,158
My sister's out of town;
168
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,060
you can stay in my place
for a few hours.
169
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:38,096
Maybe I could meet you after
work, and we could make dinner.
170
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:40,732
Or not, or whatever.
171
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,467
I don't even know.
172
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,437
Emily, I-I'm just
too guilt-ridden to eat.
173
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,739
If I had not given
Oscar's name to the IRS,
174
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,741
none of this would be happening.
175
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:51,743
Maybe there's something you
can do to make it better.
176
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,078
You're good at
organizing, right?
177
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,680
Well, help Oscar and
Gaby with their taxes.
178
00:06:55,682 --> 00:06:57,082
You can be kind of
a buffer for them,
179
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,417
it'll speed things up,
180
00:06:58,419 --> 00:06:59,751
and it'll make you
feel less guilty.
181
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,752
Yes, yes.
182
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,204
They'll get along better,
183
00:07:02,205 --> 00:07:03,655
and I will be able
to sleep guilt-free
184
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,090
without actually
confessing.
185
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,658
You're brilliant!
Oh.
186
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:08,093
(chuckles):
Okay.
187
00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,694
Oh, I was making
myself sick.
188
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,096
You have no idea
how hard it is
189
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,130
wanting to tell
someone the truth,
190
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:13,598
but not having
the nerve.
191
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,003
Felix, I like you.
192
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,805
What?
193
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:22,207
I said...
194
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,043
I, like you,
195
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:27,446
have faced similar
challenges, so...
196
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:29,648
Good luck with
that, bro.
197
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,116
Thank you.
198
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:36,822
(imitates heart
monitor beeping)
199
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,223
(imitates heart monitor
flatlining)
200
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:40,492
Oh, shut it.
201
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,029
FELIX:
Okay, here's something.
202
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,864
One plane ticket
to Beijing, hmm.
203
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,065
Oh, right.
204
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,700
This one wanted
to see China
205
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:50,702
when we have a perfectly
good Chinatown
206
00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,705
right here
in New York.
207
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,540
Oh, I'm sorry.
208
00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:57,542
"This one" wanted
to expand her horizons.
209
00:07:57,544 --> 00:07:59,177
You won't even go
to Chinatown.
210
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,612
They deliver.
211
00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:05,684
Okay, we will file that
under travel
212
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:07,752
and take another aspirin.
213
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:12,157
All I know is when we were
struggling financially,
214
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,626
you blew $8,000 on a vacation.
215
00:08:14,628 --> 00:08:15,994
You know,
you always do this.
216
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,629
You turn it
around on me.
217
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:18,763
I shouldn't have
to apologize for...
218
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:20,866
For anything,
God forbid.
219
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,534
No, that's not what I'm saying.
You never let me finish...
220
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,503
Finish your sentences?
They all end the same way.
221
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:25,804
"It's your fault, Oscar."
222
00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,873
(teapot dings)
And that ends round one.
223
00:08:32,813 --> 00:08:36,014
Now, why don't we all take
a breath and calm down, hmm?
224
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,649
Okay, yeah.
225
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:39,284
I'm gonna go out
on the balcony.
226
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,819
Yes, that's an
excellent place
227
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,954
to summon your
flying monkeys!
228
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:46,858
If I could make
a tiny suggestion.
229
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,860
Sometimes when
you're around Gaby,
230
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,262
you get a little defensive.
231
00:08:50,264 --> 00:08:51,930
No, I don't.
You do. Shut up.
232
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,167
Okay, you want to get
this over with? Be nice.
233
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,802
You don't have
to agree with her,
234
00:08:57,804 --> 00:08:59,804
but at least let her
finish her sentences.
235
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:01,740
Sometimes we say more
with our mouths closed.
236
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:09,948
I hear what you're saying,
and I don't like your tone.
237
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,820
Ha, there they are.
What are you doing?
238
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:18,056
I used to come out
and smoke these
239
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,725
when Oscar and I
would have a fight.
240
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:27,032
Would you mind turning your back
while I drink these?
241
00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:30,001
And nice to know
you've hit rock-bottom.
242
00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,638
How can you stand
living with him, Felix?
243
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,073
Well,
(clears throat)
244
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,942
one thing that I've learned
in the past few months is
245
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:38,076
sometimes
when he lashes out,
246
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,811
it's because
he's mad at himself.
247
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,147
I know, but we're just supposed
to sit back and take it?
248
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:45,784
No, but if I could give
a tiny piece of advice,
249
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,786
when you say things like,
"You're never this,"
250
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,589
or, "You always that,"
it makes him feel smaller.
251
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:51,957
I know. I know.
252
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,224
But I can't
help myself.
253
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,327
He just... he
pushes my buttons.
254
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:58,597
I don't know how you
put up with him, Felix.
255
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,933
Oh, here's something.
256
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,134
A receipt for a silver bracelet.
257
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,769
That must be a nice memory.
258
00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:05,971
(scoffs)
Not for me.
259
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,606
I never got a silver bracelet.
260
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,774
Oscar, care
to explain?
261
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:10,909
Nope, next.
262
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:12,877
Oscar!
263
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:13,912
Okay, fine.
264
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,180
It was for your birthday.
265
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,948
But then I got a
tip on a horse.
266
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,950
A hundred-to-one shot
called Lucky Lady,
267
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,819
so I hocked the bracelet.
268
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:24,189
And, let me guess,
Lucky Lady came in last.
269
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,891
No, she went into labor
on the first turn.
270
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,361
Oh, my God.
271
00:10:29,363 --> 00:10:31,730
Why didn't you...?
Check her out?
272
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,698
What was I supposed to do?
Give her a sonogram?
273
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,634
I mean, I can't do everything...
274
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,068
(clears throat)
275
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,740
Sorry, I... interrupted you.
276
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,642
What were you gonna say?
277
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,711
Uh... uh...
278
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,913
I... I was gonna say
279
00:10:48,915 --> 00:10:50,649
why-why didn't you tell me?
280
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,317
Well, I wanted to surprise you,
and I figured
281
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,853
if the horse came in,
then I could buy you
282
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,022
that vintage music box
you were looking at.
283
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,390
Oh, my God,
I loved that music box.
284
00:10:58,392 --> 00:10:59,858
How do you even remember that?
285
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,026
I just did.
286
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:02,027
But, Oscar,
287
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,828
you could've told me!
288
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,664
You always make me the bad guy
and you never trust me...
289
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,999
(clears throat)
290
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,903
What I mean to say is
291
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:13,438
thank you.
292
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,807
You're welcome.
293
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:18,910
(clears throat)
294
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:22,914
Oh, that was just
seasonal allergies.
295
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,816
Dinner was great, Felix.
296
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:27,919
I know. Did we ever
actually eat at this table?
297
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,422
Mm, no. We used
to stack mail on it
298
00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,390
and pay bills on it.
299
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,960
There was that one night
we did something else on it.
300
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,897
And tomorrow,
301
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:40,765
I chop this table into firewood.
302
00:11:40,767 --> 00:11:43,268
Well... I'm finished.
303
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:44,836
And?
304
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,237
And according
to my calculations,
305
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:48,239
there is a discrepancy
in your tax return.
306
00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:51,076
In the amount of $1,200...
307
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,144
that they owe you!
308
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:54,979
You like how I dragged it out
like that
309
00:11:54,981 --> 00:11:56,014
to build up the tension?
310
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:57,082
No!
311
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,116
But what a relief!
312
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,785
I got $1,200 to spend.
313
00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:03,054
I've got $600 to spend.
314
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,056
(clears throat)
FELIX: Yeah.
315
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,057
I'm off to bed.
316
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,392
Gaby, wonderful seeing you.
317
00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:08,793
Ah, Felix,
we couldn't have done it
318
00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:09,861
without you. Thank you.
Yeah.
319
00:12:09,863 --> 00:12:10,862
Great job, buddy.
320
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,098
Yes, so we're even.
321
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,366
What do you mean?
322
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,735
Oh, um...
323
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,203
We're even. The books.
324
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:19,337
Numbers-wise. Yeah.
325
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:20,905
What else could I mean?
326
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,173
Somebody's tired.
327
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,942
No, no. I'm pumped.
328
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,944
I can't wait till
we go down to the IRS
329
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,113
and just rub it
in that jerk's face.
330
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,981
"We"? You want me to come?
331
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,182
Yeah, you've got to come.
332
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,884
You're the one
that got us out of this.
333
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,219
Remember that.
334
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:35,320
Good night!
335
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,444
(exhales)
336
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,880
Oscar, I did something
terribly wrong.
337
00:13:06,052 --> 00:13:08,920
Was it not knocking, or was it
338
00:13:08,922 --> 00:13:11,089
staying in the room
after you've seen us?
339
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,229
Thank you for coming up.
Of course.
340
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,898
You must've been so embarrassed.
341
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,900
I was mortified.
One minute, they're at
342
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:25,570
each other's throats, the next,
they're at each other's...
343
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,272
Well, I don't know.
344
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,941
I went hysterically blind.
345
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:32,911
This is completely
and entirely my fault.
346
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:35,814
And a little bit yours.
347
00:13:35,816 --> 00:13:37,315
You want to take
me through that?
348
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,918
Well, I'm the one who
tipped off Oscar to the IRS,
349
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,953
but you were the one who told me
to help them get along,
350
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,955
which I did, all too well.
351
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:47,091
Maybe it's meant to be.
352
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,894
Sometimes two people have
passion between them,
353
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:53,431
and there's only one way
for it to come out.
354
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:56,234
Maybe you're right.
355
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,137
Damn my ability to read people!
356
00:14:01,908 --> 00:14:04,375
Yup. Nothing gets by you.
357
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:10,315
Wow, you still have
the energy to pace.
358
00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,150
I must've lost my touch.
359
00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:14,185
I'm just thinking about Felix.
360
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,054
Really lost my touch.
361
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,923
I just picture him in my head
lecturing me about
362
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:21,359
how sleeping with you
might've been a bad idea.
363
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,528
Is that what you think
he thinks?
364
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,030
Or is that what you think?
365
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,332
Me? No.
366
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:28,867
I'm enjoying the moment.
367
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:32,103
It's Felix
who thinks too much.
368
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:37,475
Still a little Felix
in there.
369
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,513
Who's Felix?
370
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,417
Well, thank you
for being here.
371
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,652
Oh, are you kidding?
372
00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,220
I'm glad you called me.
373
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,522
Yeah, you were
the first person I thought of.
374
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,057
Really?
375
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,392
Mm-hmm. Oh, and...
376
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,361
sorry to wake you up,
by the way.
377
00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,962
Stop apologizing.
378
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,330
You didn't wake me.
379
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:02,967
And stop being
so hard on yourself.
380
00:15:02,969 --> 00:15:05,270
Try to see
the Felix that I see.
381
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:07,305
The one who cares
so much about his friends
382
00:15:07,307 --> 00:15:09,440
that he drives everybody crazy.
383
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,442
Most of all himself.
384
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:14,312
You know, I was actually
385
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,514
getting used to the idea
that every year
386
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:20,485
the world was getting
a little colder and grayer.
387
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:25,456
And then I meet
this sad, funny,
388
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,593
exceptional man
who wears his big heart
389
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:32,530
on his perfectly
creased sleeve and--
390
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:34,365
I don't know--
391
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,502
everything's different.
392
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,504
So, yeah.
(chuckles)
393
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:43,541
I guess you did
wake me up, Felix Unger.
394
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,350
(sighs)
395
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,252
(huffs)
396
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,221
Oscar, what is wrong?
397
00:15:57,223 --> 00:15:59,424
Still thinking about Felix.
398
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:02,093
Do we have
any patio cigarettes left?
399
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,728
I drank them all.
400
00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,432
Where you going?
401
00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,634
To get that persnickety voice
out of my head.
402
00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:15,039
Felix, what the hell
were you thinking?
403
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,445
Now I see why you didn't leave.
404
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:22,547
My feet won't move!
405
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:30,722
Hey.
406
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:33,391
Hey.
407
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,395
Any sign of Felix?
408
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,464
Uh, he was gone when I woke up.
409
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,099
He was probably
really embarrassed.
410
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:44,168
When I walked in,
he was white as a sheet.
411
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:48,172
Now that I've seen his sheets,
I really know what that means.
412
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:52,010
So... last night...
413
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,378
Yeah.
414
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,213
It was amazing.
415
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:59,117
Amazing? At the end,
God was shouting our names.
416
00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,352
It was just like
old times, right?
417
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:02,420
So, uh...
418
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,689
what do we do now? Say...
419
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:07,091
"Good-bye"? "Thank you"?
420
00:17:07,093 --> 00:17:11,062
"Oscar, you're still
the world's greatest lover"?
421
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:12,597
I don't know.
422
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,565
I mean, we could
have dinner,
423
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,768
and, you know,
see how it goes.
424
00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,369
That sounds nice.
425
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,406
Wait, is this all part
of your master plan?
426
00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,574
What do you mean?
We get back together,
427
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:26,544
you divorce me, and you get
half of the half I have left.
428
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,425
Hey. Um...
Hi.
429
00:17:40,427 --> 00:17:43,094
I've been calling you.
I-I woke up and you were gone.
430
00:17:43,096 --> 00:17:44,629
Is everything okay?
431
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,631
Yeah. I just got a
little freaked out.
432
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,167
(laughs) I mean, last
thing I want to do
433
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,069
is screw up
our friendship.
434
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:54,072
Right. I believe I was the one
who dragged you into my bedroom.
435
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:56,741
It was so hot.
436
00:17:56,743 --> 00:17:58,543
It was.
But...
437
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:01,779
we have to think about
what we're doing.
438
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,581
I mean, is this a thing?
439
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,617
Are we... talking
about being a thing?
440
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,686
I mean, what does this mean?
441
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,392
I know I never thought
I would say this,
442
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:15,560
but maybe Oscar's impulsiveness
443
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,562
has rubbed off on me
a little bit.
444
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,730
But are we thinking too much?
445
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:21,499
Yeah.
446
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,267
Maybe the, uh...
447
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:26,504
maybe the safest thing
is to just take it slow.
448
00:18:26,506 --> 00:18:28,239
Yeah, yeah.
I think you're probably right.
449
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:29,707
Yeah. Okay.
450
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,576
But not too slow.
451
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,745
(screams)
452
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,814
I'm gonna just... Yeah.
453
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:40,852
I'm not free tomorrow night,
454
00:18:40,854 --> 00:18:42,687
but maybe over the weekend
we could have dinner.
455
00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:46,624
There's this darling
little place I found at...
456
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,859
(clears throat)
Oscar?
457
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:50,361
Sorry, you were saying?
458
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:51,596
Yes, I was just saying
459
00:18:51,598 --> 00:18:53,598
that, you know,
if we are gonna
460
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,200
be spending
a little time together,
461
00:18:56,202 --> 00:18:58,603
a few things
might need to change.
462
00:18:58,605 --> 00:18:59,704
Yeah, I know.
463
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:02,406
My gambling,
my staying out late.
464
00:19:02,408 --> 00:19:03,708
No, that's not
what I'm talking about.
465
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:04,943
Why do you always act
like I'm persecuting you?
466
00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,177
Well, there has been
a precedent.
467
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,678
Oh, well, once again
I'm the bad guy.
468
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:08,779
Sorry I opened up.
469
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,314
Why you jumping down my throat?
470
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:11,716
The only thing
jumping down your throat
471
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,317
is that beer at
9:00 in the morning, by the way.
472
00:19:13,319 --> 00:19:14,886
It's a Sunday.
473
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,726
At least we're consistent.
474
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,494
(chuckles softly)
475
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,730
Honey, if we got back together
based on last night,
476
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,865
I think we'd be
fooling ourselves.
477
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,667
I know.
478
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,836
But I don't want to go back
to hating you either.
479
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,371
Same here.
480
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,639
We wrecked our marriage.
481
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:38,209
Let's not wreck
our divorce, too.
482
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:39,844
I'm so impressed
by how thoughtful
483
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,679
you're being about this.
484
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,848
I think it's from
living with Felix.
485
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,217
I overthink everything now.
486
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,386
Well, he's good for you.
487
00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,721
Maybe he's a better wife
for you than I was.
488
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,798
What?
489
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,800
Well, it's not
the way Felix does it.
490
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,642
Okay, let's go over
this one more time.
Check.
491
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,311
We knock loudly twice...
492
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,745
Mm-hmm.
493
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:17,815
...then we wait for the
person to say "Come in"
494
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,750
before we open the door.
495
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,821
Right, good, but what if
the other person is choking
496
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,990
or unconscious
and cannot say "Come in"?
497
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,491
Then he dies.
498
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,630
Fair enough.
499
00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:35,499
Thank you, Oscar.
500
00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:37,335
For what?
501
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:39,704
For everything.
502
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,439
For taking me in.
503
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,541
For helping me
get over my divorce.
504
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,344
For teaching me to loosen up.
505
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,946
Well, I never thought
I'd say this, but...
506
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:51,015
you've been good
for me, too.
507
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:54,518
I think, thanks to you, I'm
a little bit more mature.
508
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:56,287
I'm glad to hear it.
509
00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:00,024
Oh, and, um...
510
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,525
by the way...
511
00:21:01,527 --> 00:21:03,728
funny story...
512
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:06,564
I might've been the one
who gave your name to the IRS.
513
00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,699
What?!
(door slams)
514
00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,568
Felix! Felix!
(knocking)
515
00:21:10,570 --> 00:21:12,003
FELIX: I'm not saying come in!
I'm not saying come in!
516
00:21:12,005 --> 00:21:13,437
Oh, God!
You're still coming in!
517
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:15,506
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