1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,323 - She's been dead maybe ten minutes. 2 00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:04,606 - Like, head chopped off. 3 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:05,960 - No, she died of, like, natural causes. 4 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,286 - I'd do it, man. 5 00:00:07,440 --> 00:00:08,930 She was cute as hell in Commando. 6 00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:10,849 I'd show her who's the boss. Poison her ivy. 7 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,645 - Whoa. Something's up. 8 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,842 - Guys, we've been Boiler Roomed. 9 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,327 TelAmeriCorp was just a shell of a company. 10 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,603 Alice probably felt some heat from the feds, right? 11 00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:23,404 So she packed up in the middle of the night. 12 00:00:23,520 --> 00:00:25,488 That makes me Vin Diesel. 13 00:00:25,600 --> 00:00:27,728 - Ooh, I'm Giovanni Ribisi. 14 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,803 - Oh, I'm like a Scott Caan- Jamie Kennedy combo doggie then. 15 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:33,083 - Jamie Kennedy, maybe. I feel that experience. 16 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:36,363 [cell phone rings] 17 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,767 - Hello? 18 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,531 [whispers] It's Alice. 19 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:42,926 Okay, let's talk. 20 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,530 What's the vig to get in on your game? 21 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:45,880 - Why aren't you here yet? [snaps fingers] 22 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,650 - Why aren't we where yet? 23 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,445 - Oh, Christ, you're at the old offices, aren't you? 24 00:00:50,560 --> 00:00:53,006 We moved offices over the weekend. 25 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,724 It's all I've talked about for weeks. 26 00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:56,922 - Guys, we moved offices. 27 00:00:57,040 --> 00:00:59,611 - Oh, yeah, I totally forgot. - Yeah, um, Alice... 28 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,404 - Oh, wait, wait, let me- 29 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,046 Hey, Alice, so we're done with the old office, right? 30 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,685 We're never going back? 31 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,802 - Yeah, never. Now, get your asses over here 32 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,007 and get to work, please. 33 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,531 - Okay, thanks, Alice. 34 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,244 You sound like you're looking good today. 35 00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,567 [pounding rock music] 36 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:17,007 Oh. yeah! 37 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,805 [all shouting] 38 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,491 - ♪ Destroy ♪ 39 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,080 ♪ Destroy ♪ 40 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,202 - I feel like I'm at a Garth Brooks show. 41 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:32,806 - Kick it. - He's talented. 42 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,321 [all shouting] 43 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:39,331 [laughter] 44 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,523 [cell phone rings] 45 00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:45,883 - Hello? Oh, hey, Alice. 46 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,610 How are you? What's up? 47 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,484 - Hey, if you're still at the office, 48 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,728 can you let the inspector in? He's locked out. 49 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:53,325 I don't want to piss him off 50 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,204 and not get the $8,000 security deposit back. 51 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,971 - Um, no, no, no, no. 52 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,809 You must have misunderstood us. 53 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,410 We are not at the old office. 54 00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,682 We are watching the cm Office, the TV show, 55 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:05,848 on an iPad in the car on the way to the new office. 56 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,442 - What? Hello? 57 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,086 [fire crackling] 58 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:16,171 [hip-hop music] 59 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,800 - ♪ I'm fresh ♪ 60 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:21,730 ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta be fresh ♪ 61 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,126 - Oh, hell, no, bitch. These offices suck. 62 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,651 - Where the hell are we supposed to park? 63 00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,524 There's, like, no spots. 64 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,085 Guess we gotta park on the street, 65 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,884 even though there's extra handicap spots. 66 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,207 - What the heck? We have one handicapped dude 67 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:38,765 at our office- Wheelchair Mike. 68 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:40,962 - That lucky bitch. I wish I were handicapped. 69 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,366 Those guys are so lucky, dude. 70 00:02:42,480 --> 00:02:44,323 - Human rabbits' feet. 71 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:46,807 - Alice, how many handicapped people 72 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,729 do we have in this office? - That a trick question? 73 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,763 - [silly voice] We have but one. 74 00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,166 - Ooh, I'm gonna talk like that too. 75 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,648 Alas, there are but two handicap parking spots, 76 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:58,081 which is arithmetic, milady. 77 00:02:58,240 --> 00:02:59,810 - Yeah, you do the math. Hmm? 78 00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:00,967 - Alice, what they're trying to say is that 79 00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:02,320 there's no spots out there 80 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:03,805 for normal people like us, all right? 81 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,160 So I'm out there, parked on the street, 82 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:06,930 and what, I'm supposed to, what, 83 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,161 move my car every two hours? 84 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,611 - That's stupid. - Get real. 85 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,041 - Act real, Alice, 'cause guess what. 86 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,926 We're here every day at 10:00. Okay, maybe 10:02. 87 00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:17,530 But when we get here, the parking lot's all packed out, 88 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:19,244 and we're S.0.0.L. 89 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,249 - So why don't you just scratch our butts a little bit 90 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,250 and give us the bonus handicap parking spot, okay? 91 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,886 - First of all, work starts at 9:00. 92 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,240 Yeah. And see this? 93 00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,771 This is me making a note 94 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,929 of giving you that spot. 95 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:38,171 "Give parking spot to idiots. Change tampon...kill self." 96 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,527 - Uhh, change tampon- grody. 97 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,971 - That's not funny. Don't kill yourself. 98 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:43,366 - Hey, Anders... - What? Hang on. 99 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,686 - If you're parked on the street, 100 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,040 there's a guy out there writing tickets. 101 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,282 - Move it! Move it! - See? 102 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:49,845 - Great. - We were just kidding 103 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:51,206 about that 10:00 thing. 104 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,322 We get here every day at, uh- at... 105 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,169 - 9:00. - 9:00! That's when we get- 106 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,487 because we're working. 107 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,683 - Wayman! Move! Get-sorry! 108 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,646 No, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! 109 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:07,603 Hey, hey. hey. Halt! Stop! Buddy, hey- 110 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,210 buddy, buddy, buddy, come- 111 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,049 you gotta be kidding me, man! 112 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:14,687 Gotta be kidding me. What-no! 113 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,087 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you chill out, buddy. 114 00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:20,010 You're gonna bust a nut, and I'm not talking that good kind. 115 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,043 - Just throw it away, man. Pretend like you never got it. 116 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,128 That's what I did with my STD test. 117 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,520 - You can't do that. 118 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,246 That's, like, socially dangerous. 119 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:36,970 - Ooh-hoo-hoo! 120 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,651 - We're surrounded by ghosts. The place is haunted. 121 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,165 Built on a burial ground. I'm positive of it. 122 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:43,089 - It is so weird you said that, 123 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,850 'cause right when you said that, I got chills. 124 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:46,291 - Yeah, I'm freezing. - There's that...vent. 125 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:48,050 - There's a vent right there. 126 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:49,969 - Yeah, there's a vent up there. - There's still ghosts. 127 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:51,445 - I don't think it's the vent, either- 128 00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:52,761 - Hey, guys, shut the fuck up for a second. 129 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,770 Ticket-60 bucks for street cleaning. 130 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,042 - 60 bucks? - What? 131 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,685 - You know how many corndogs we could buy with that? 132 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,643 Like, three boxes. - Yeah, a lot of corndogs. 133 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,444 - 60. They're, like, going for a dollar. Yeah. 134 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:04,971 - I don't understand Alice. 135 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,048 She clogs up the parking lot arteries 136 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:08,531 with all these handicap spots, 137 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,005 where regular people can't even park. 138 00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:11,571 It's all mutant parking. 139 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:13,330 - Who knew having a car was gonna be such a drag? 140 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,249 Makes you wonder how somebody like Drake 141 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,691 handles their entire fleet. 142 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,131 - Yeah, well, he's from a lawless country. 143 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,765 - There's no laws. Here in the U.S., 144 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,445 you gotta work within the system. 145 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:23,324 Okay, if you want a handicap parking pass, 146 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,090 you gotta go out and get a handicap parking pass. 147 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,089 You gotta beat the system up from the inside. 148 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,885 Like rappers with vaginae. Like, because they beat 'em. 149 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,331 - Yeah. - Whatever it takes, man. 150 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:32,566 I just don't want to get another ticket. 151 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,920 I mean, is it weird 152 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,202 if we made up a handicap, like, a disease? 153 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:37,446 What's the disease that old people get 154 00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:38,607 where you start forgetting things? 155 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:39,801 What is that? - Old timers. 156 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:41,251 - Yeah, still, 157 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,765 I don't know if that's a good idea. 158 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:43,927 It's not cool to pretend you're handicapped. 159 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,530 Right? - Whoa! 160 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:46,880 I got it. 161 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,082 TelAmeriCorp is hiring, right? 162 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,447 We can ask my real-life handicapped cousin Devin 163 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,040 to work here and use his pass! 164 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:55,491 - Yeah. That'll work. - Yeah. 165 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:56,647 I haven't seen him in a while, though. 166 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:57,841 I'm excited to see him. 167 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,365 He couldn't come to Thanksgiving 168 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:00,891 because my grandma's house has stairs, 169 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:04,322 and he can't walk up stairs! [laughing] 170 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:08,604 Oh, man, that guy. 171 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,840 ' Oh. jeez! 172 00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,531 Are there cats everywhere? [cats meowing] 173 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,608 - [whispers] Devin? 174 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,848 - Some funky cold medina. - Adam? 175 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,883 What's the story with this dude? 176 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,844 - His name was just Devin. Devin DeMamp. 177 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:36,649 He was just like us- cool, handsome, gnar. 178 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,445 Two years ago, he saw this little girl... 179 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,722 crossing the street. 180 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,360 This fire truck was barreling towards her and just- 181 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:46,209 - Barn! all: oh! 182 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,051 - Jeefl - [laughs insanely] 183 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,562 Truck knocks me 40 feet straight into a brick wall. 184 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,643 ♪ Now I'm ballin' off government checks ♪ 185 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:55,966 ♪ Like Obama bin Laden ♪ 186 00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:58,242 [beat-boxing] - Oh. Oh, sure. 187 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,283 - [continues beat-boxing] 188 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,442 - Yeah! - All right. You remember. 189 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,244 He taught me that. - What's up? 190 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,563 What's going on? - What is going on, my hero? 191 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:08,886 - Nada mucho. 192 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,287 Who are the, uh, buttfuck twins? 193 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:13,164 - Oh, the buttfuck twins? - Yeah. 194 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:15,408 - This is Ders, and this is Blake. 195 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,127 This is my cousin Devin. - [growls playfully] 196 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:20,446 Please, call me Big Fat. 197 00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,766 - Right. - No, dummy. 198 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,046 Hand me the churro plate behind you. 199 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:26,050 [laughter] - He got you, dude. 200 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,481 - Thank you so much. - He got you. He's funny. 201 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,570 He's a funny dude. [laughter] 202 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:32,767 You are looking good, man. - Oh, thank you. 203 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,325 - You dropped some LBS, huh? 204 00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:36,124 - Yeah, I lost some weight. Where'd it go? 205 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:37,924 Oh, there it is. Get it back. - Oh, I'll get it. 206 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,408 [both shouting, laughing] 207 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:45,281 - I love that. - Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! 208 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:47,169 It feels like a real woman's boob, dude. 209 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:48,367 - Tickles, bro. - Get in here. 210 00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:49,925 Blake, hit this, man. 211 00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,883 - You sure? - Yeah. Do it. 212 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,331 Oh! - Whoa! 213 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,363 [both grunting, laughing] 214 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,245 Hey, Ders, come try it, man. - I'm good, I'm good. 215 00:07:58,360 --> 00:07:59,646 I don't want to lose my watch, so you know... 216 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:02,366 - Gay dudes-always worried about time. 217 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,130 - Is that true? I didn't know that. 218 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,211 - So you guys seem to be getting a pretty sweet dealio, 219 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,085 but what's in it for me? - Duh. You get to get out 220 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,725 of this sorry basement, and you get a job. 221 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:16,003 - Duh, why would I want to do that, smart guy? 222 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,326 Take a look around. 223 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,887 Xbox Live, Howard TV, my cat circus. 224 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,331 - You are a gangster, man. You're like... 225 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:23,970 Rick Ross with extra sauce. 226 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:26,162 - Yeah, you're like a one-man G-Unit! 227 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,725 - Come on, ask him. 228 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,491 - Actually, we really do need that pass, man. 229 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,251 Unfortunately, Ders's micro-machine penis 230 00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:34,930 doesn't classify him as handicapped. 231 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:36,371 [laughter] It should, though. 232 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,245 It should, though, it's so small. 233 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:41,362 - You wanna see it? You keep calling it small? 234 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,606 Might as well just show it to you. 235 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:43,960 - [as cat] Wait, I wanna see it. 236 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:45,411 I got front-row seats over here. 237 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,410 My dick's bigger than yours. [laughter] 238 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,284 - You wanna see it? - I've seen it. I've seen it! 239 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,811 - Whoa, slow down. - I've seen it. 240 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:54,526 - Keep your grub worm in its hole, okay? 241 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,881 - I can tell you it's bigger than a cat's dick. 242 00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,731 - Yeah. - I'm sorry about that, dude. 243 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,810 But will you help a brother that's actually a cousin out, 244 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:06,003 just 'cause...my brother'? 245 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,610 - We get it, dude. We get it. 246 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,245 Sit in your chair, chub up. 247 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,129 But all we're asking for is a parking pass. 248 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,322 That's it. - Yeah. 249 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,363 - All right, you guys can have the pass. 250 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,164 It's cool. - What'd I say? What'd I say? 251 00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:19,044 - Now, get on out of here. I'm about to watch 252 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,726 a chick masturbate with a summer sausage on the Internet. 253 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,446 - Oh, no, you don't. Devin. 254 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,085 These boys just offered you a job, 255 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:27,565 and you are taking it. 256 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:30,411 - Mom, I'm not taking some stupid job! 257 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,249 Can we not do this again? 258 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,044 - Your disability is about to run out, 259 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:35,321 and I am not footing the bill 260 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,010 while you masturbate your life away! 261 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,566 - Mama! - Dude, it's cool. 262 00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:41,290 You can just come and try it out-l work there. 263 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,129 - No! - Devin DeMamp! 264 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,971 I will call animal services to come for your cats. 265 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:50,051 - Someone get me a bucket and soap. 266 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:52,766 Big Fat's about to get a job. 267 00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,008 - Yeah. 268 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,327 [all talking at once] 269 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,680 - Oh, yeah. - Like a glove. 270 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,928 - Livin' that handicap life! 271 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,088 This...is parking. - There we go. 272 00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:06,204 - Yeah, mama! - There you go, big buddy. 273 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:07,606 - I don't want to sound arrogant, 274 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,245 but I feel like I was always meant 275 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,930 to park in handicap spots. 276 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:12,565 - You're basically a handicapped dude, my brother. 277 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:15,524 - Don't I know it. - Now, this is parking! 278 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:16,971 - I just said that. This is parking. 279 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,127 There's no other way to say it, though. 280 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:20,288 This is parking. - Hey, guys! 281 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,131 [beat-boxing] I'm stuck! 282 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:26,130 Yo! Seriously, I'm stuck. 283 00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,368 - Yeah, I forgot how fat you were, bud. 284 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,010 Can't get out of the car. 285 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,404 So welcome to the dragon's lair. 286 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,249 That's what I call the break room. 287 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:42,441 - It's pretty sick. - Yeah. 288 00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:43,607 - We're gonna go talk to Alice, 289 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:44,801 get you a job! 290 00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,331 - Whoa, whoa. 291 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:47,726 Pump the brakes, fellas. 292 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:49,046 You guys already have the parking spot, 293 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,571 you're good to go. 294 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,205 And as long as my mom thinks I have a job here, 295 00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:53,367 I'm good to go. 296 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:54,970 But there ain't a chance in hell 297 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,923 that I'm clocking in to this fart factory. 298 00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:58,246 Not happening. - All right. 299 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,409 - All right, well, hey, here is the TV. 300 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:04,967 So enjoy The View. The show. The show The View. 301 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,844 - All right, guys, let's go. We got work to do. 302 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,361 Uh, we make the world turn, unlike you. 303 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:11,727 - That and my stomach. 304 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:13,569 [laughter] 305 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:15,364 - Stay fat, bro. 306 00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,448 ' Ow! ['a”9“in9] 307 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:21,042 All right. Love you, bro. - Love you too, dude. 308 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:26,491 - Don't mind if I squeeze... yes. 309 00:11:26,600 --> 00:11:29,524 How you doing? 310 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,728 Some butt you got there. Yeah. 311 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:36,927 Do you wipe it? 312 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:39,566 [laughs] I'm kidding. 313 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,205 But seriously, can I? 314 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,243 - I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. 315 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,682 - Okay. I'm being selfish. 316 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,040 How 'bout I start over? 317 00:11:48,160 --> 00:11:51,050 Do you, uh, wanna suck my tits? 318 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,606 [laughs] Come here. 319 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,609 - No, this is called a floor fan. 320 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,769 It goes on the floor, and then it spins- 321 00:11:58,880 --> 00:11:59,961 - [whispers indistinctly] 322 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,525 - What? My yogurt? 323 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,369 In the break room? Oh, my go- 324 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:05,528 I gotta call you back. About to catch me a case. 325 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,449 Yo, let's go! 326 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,050 You don't eat a man's yogurt. That's all I can eat. 327 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,207 You know what I'm saying? I'm on a diet. 328 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:11,810 This is unbelievable. 329 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,086 Someone eatin' my yogurt. - Is there a fight? 330 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,645 - I will kill a man right now. 331 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:16,171 - Who's fighting? ls someone fighting? 332 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,601 Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! 333 00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,324 - You can't be snackin' on my snacks like that! 334 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,249 - Gimme the news, not the dick breath, ya butt slug! 335 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,124 I'll eat what I want! - You got no respect 336 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,480 for another man's live cultures. 337 00:12:25,640 --> 00:12:28,405 We about to get it on! 338 00:12:28,560 --> 00:12:29,721 [all shouting at once] 339 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:31,330 - Get off my cousin! 340 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,966 - Get off me! Get off me! - Watch it, dude. 341 00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,320 - Okay, what the hell is going on in here? 342 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,687 - Listen, lady, why don't you just- 343 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:40,371 [charming music plays] 344 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:45,327 Why don't I apologize to everyone in this room 345 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,647 for what I just did- totally uncalled for. 346 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,000 I'm sorry, everyone. 347 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,640 - Sure. Great. What are you? 348 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,331 - He's my cousin! [laughter] 349 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,442 - Of course he is. 350 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:57,891 - And since we're hiring, I figured he'd be 351 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,082 a great member of the sales team, right? 352 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,090 Plus, he's a local hero. - Yeah. He sure is. 353 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,441 Jumped in front of a fire truck, saved a little girl's life. 354 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,404 - Miss, I promise you I will give you my best, 355 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,760 and I will deliver. 356 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,370 - All right, whatever, but you three 357 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,970 are responsible for training him. 358 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:15,526 And if he doesn't deliver, it's on you. 359 00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,608 What are you looking at? Come on, let's go! 360 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,121 - He ate my yogurt. - Team DeMamp! 361 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,962 Yes. Aw, dude, we just got you a job. Team DeMamp. 362 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:26,969 - Oh. - Cat lover? 363 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,686 - Oh, yes. Uh, it's actually the anniversary 364 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:31,609 of my cat Brent Hoffman's death. 365 00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,848 I miss my dead, dead cat. 366 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,082 - I am so sorry to hear that. - Thank you. 367 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,043 Now I'm the proud owner of seven, 368 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:40,367 which some people think is weird. 369 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,562 - You know, I think it's weird you don't have more. 370 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:44,409 - Well, I did until this one died. 371 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,522 [both laughing] 372 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,644 - You know, I have a dozen cats myself. 373 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,410 You should come over and breed. 374 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,648 With my cats. 375 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,364 - Oh. - Cats. 376 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:56,806 You should breed with my cats. 377 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,524 - Well, yeah, that would be nice. 378 00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,926 - Yeah. Okay. - But I should- 379 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,690 I should go. - Totally. 380 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,131 - It was nice to meet you. - So nice meeting you. 381 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:05,641 - Yeah. - Okay. We'll see ya. 382 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,444 Okay. . . - Damn. 383 00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:11,645 - Move over, Ms. Quiznos, Big Fat's got a new chick. 384 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,410 [laughter] 385 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,045 - If you really wanted to make a good joke, 386 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,970 you could have said, "Move over Miss Wendy's," 387 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:20,003 'cause it's a woman. - You see this? 388 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:21,884 It means not Wendy's. 389 00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,650 - Mmm, toasty! - Okay. 390 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:24,961 - Yeah, that's hardcore. - That gets me hungry, dude! 391 00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,127 - That's hardcore. 392 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,971 - ♪ He's insane ♪ 393 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:37,122 - TelAmeriCorp's sales techniques could be summarized 394 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,288 as, I don't know, I guess the- 395 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,761 all right, you're gonna want to listen to this. 396 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,087 - Shh. I'm kinda in the middle 397 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,929 of being in love here, Ders. 398 00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,929 - Just listen to Ders. He's the best in the biz. 399 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,281 We'll get you on the phone. You'll be stacking cash, man. 400 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,209 - Yeah, man, you could make it rain 401 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,084 on Jillian's nude sleeping self. 402 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,725 - Hey, you know what? I got a better idea. 403 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,251 You wanna hear a song I wrote, guys? 404 00:14:57,360 --> 00:15:00,045 - Sure. - [flatulence] Ooh... 405 00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:01,844 [laughter] 406 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:03,889 I gotta let this one fly, boys. - Oh, that's foul. 407 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,163 [overlapping chatter] 408 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,009 - Smells like waffles. 409 00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,202 - No, it doesn't smell like anything from this planet. 410 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,731 - How many waffles have you been eating? 411 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,922 - We're trying to help you, Big Fat. 412 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,644 I mean, yes, we want your parking pass, 413 00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:18,728 but don't you want to do anything with your life? 414 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:20,126 - This is what you call a life? 415 00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,730 Is this your legacy? 416 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,366 Is this your Sistine Chapel? 417 00:15:24,480 --> 00:15:26,482 Here lies Ders, the TelAmeriDork, 418 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,329 father of two broke gays. 419 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,569 I saved a little girl's life, bro. 420 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,091 I'm a hero. 421 00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,163 - You are not a hero. You're human mold 422 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,406 in breakaway sweatpants. 423 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,681 You're the kind of stain 424 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,529 that makes Adam throw out his underwear. 425 00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,847 - Get him! Wait, what? 426 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,286 - How 'bout I just take my parking pass 427 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,050 and get on outta here? 428 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,400 - Go. - Okay, I'm going. 429 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:47,851 - I can't take this. - Hey, honey. 430 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,086 You wanna roll with me, 431 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:50,804 grab some lunch, rule the world? 432 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,809 - I'm sorry, I'm on the phone-just one second. 433 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,570 - Fuck this. I'm outta here. 434 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:56,768 [grunting] 435 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,769 - Big Fat, my man, chill out. 436 00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:01,087 We're all a little worked up, probably from that fart. 437 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,362 - Dude, that was a barn burner! 438 00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,170 - Hey, come on, let's be feasible or whatever. 439 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:06,406 Slow down. - Give us a few days, okay? 440 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:07,885 We're gonna figure this out. 441 00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,729 - We don't need to figure anything out. 442 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,887 I'm gonna go park the car on the street. 443 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,081 We'll take the bus. 444 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,480 Do our part. Save the planet! 445 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,285 - Okay, I give up. We need that pass 446 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,686 because I cannot ride the bus. 447 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:19,609 Homeless people wipe their hands off in my hair. 448 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,848 So once again, it is arithmetic, milady. 449 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,731 - And if I'm being real, I'm worried about you, man. 450 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:26,444 What are you gonna do when your disability runs out? 451 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,086 Huh? - Really? You too? 452 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:30,645 - Hey, your cuz, he's right. 453 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:31,961 That horrific accident you were in, 454 00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:33,570 that was lucky. 455 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,041 And we can't make lightning strike luck twice. 456 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,400 We can't. 457 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,329 - Or can we? 458 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,807 - Make lightning do what Blake... 459 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:44,241 said it doesn't do. 460 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,966 - Workman's comp. You get hurt at work, 461 00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,208 the checks don't stop. 462 00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:51,647 - How do we even know this is something that's real? 463 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,046 - Oh, come on, sad dads across America 464 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,321 do it all the time. 465 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,805 Probably one doing it right now. 466 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:58,764 - Guys, I'm just gonna think about this. 467 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,884 - I didn't know a hero could be such a big pussy. 468 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:03,769 - Suit me up. 469 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,006 - Yes! - All right! 470 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,565 - Yeah! - It's gonna be cool! 471 00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:10,605 - That's what I'm talking about, brother. 472 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,643 - Ready? [all shout] 473 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,521 - Ow! [grunting, groaning] 474 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:17,886 [chuckles] 475 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,731 All: Whoa! 476 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,888 - You got some air! You got some air! 477 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,480 - Did you break anything? - Nope. 478 00:17:25,600 --> 00:17:27,887 - Unh! - Nothin'. 479 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,924 - What? - What are you doing, Devin? 480 00:17:31,040 --> 00:17:33,884 - L...fell. 481 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,002 - No, we pushed him, okay? 482 00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:38,851 This guy wants to go back to living in his basement, 483 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,121 so we're giving him workman's comp 484 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,730 in exchange for a handicap parking pass. 485 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:43,410 - I wish somebody would have told me 486 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,602 that I was working on Sadderday, 487 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,085 'cause this is just sad. 488 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,488 All of this on the day that would have been 489 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,604 my cat Brent's 27th birthday in human years. 490 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,048 He never even got to ride a roller coaster. 491 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,889 - Sorry about your cat, but don't blame Big Fat. 492 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,241 [all beat-boxing] - Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. 493 00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:03,727 - You guys are just as sad. 494 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,205 I-I shouldn't even say this, 495 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:06,606 but I was coming in here to tell you 496 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,484 you're getting another ticket. - What? 497 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:11,126 I just moved it! 498 00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,049 - Hey, we'll see you later, big dude. 499 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,366 Thanks anyways. - Later. 500 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:15,606 - I'll come over in a few weeks, 501 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,563 eat some tortas. 502 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,808 - This can't be happening. I just want a fair shake! 503 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,924 Can I just get a- you! 504 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,050 This is your fault. I'm gonna rip your tits off 505 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,527 and use 'em as cereal bowls! You get me? 506 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:33,202 - [audio slowed] The cleaners! 507 00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,411 - Holy shit! Are you okay? 508 00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:45,329 That was insane! - That was a close call. 509 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:46,930 - That was insane! - Let's help Big Fat up. 510 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,441 - I don't think that's gonna happen, buddy. 511 00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,005 - Oh, my God! Dude, look at his leg. 512 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,361 - Who needs a leg when all you wanna do is 513 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,609 eat Doritos and watch Brazzers all day? 514 00:18:56,720 --> 00:18:58,609 We did it! - Yeah! 515 00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,007 - Oh, damn, we kinda did. - Just-yeah. 516 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,764 - The city's gonna owe you a million. 517 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,291 - If not thousands. 518 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,811 Hey, now, somebody tie something around my leg 519 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,321 before I croak out here, you hand jobs! 520 00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:10,408 - No, I got it. I gotcha. I'll belt you up. 521 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:13,046 - Devin, I saw the whole thing from the window. 522 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:14,764 Are you okay? - Oh, Jillian, yeah. 523 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:16,729 I'll be fine. - Good, 'cause look at me. 524 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,326 We are definitely gonna have our cats fuck. 525 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:20,851 - You know, you don't want to get mixed up 526 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,564 with a guy like me. 527 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:26,202 I'm just a big ol' fat- - Hero. 528 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:28,687 You're a big ol' fat hero. 529 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,962 I was wrong about you, man. You deserve every cent 530 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:33,560 coming to you for this. - No, bro. 531 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:37,571 I was wrong about you. You're not gay at all. 532 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,250 You're probably bi, though. [laughter] 533 00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:40,964 - He's definitely bi. - Oh, God! 534 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,242 - That's cool. - Ambulance on the way. 535 00:19:43,360 --> 00:19:45,362 - [humming beat] - Yeah. Yeah. 536 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,005 - There it is. 537 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:48,844 Ah, good movie. 538 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,445 That's a good movie. - Great movie. 539 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:52,722 - Look at all these suckers in regular parking. 540 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,002 - You're a bitch! We're handicapped! 541 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,521 - Dude, your cousin Big Fat is the man! 542 00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,849 - Yeah, us DeMamps are pretty raw dog as a people. 543 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,167 - Didn't like the guy at first, but he came through. 544 00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,601 And here we ar- 545 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,281 - WT fuck? 546 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,011 - Alice, I DeMamp to know what you did 547 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,851 with that bonus handicap parking space. Hmm? 548 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,850 - Why do you care? - Come on, we are advocates 549 00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,530 for the handi-captains, 550 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,210 and that's the one thing you should know about us. 551 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,526 - You should know that about us. 552 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,688 - Look, you came in here the other day, 553 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,131 said we didn't need it. 554 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,288 I thought about it, and you were right. 555 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,970 - No. Alice. - No. 556 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,525 - What? - We were right? 557 00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:39,041 - Let's look at history. We're never right. 558 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:41,128 - Does this guy- do I look right? 559 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,844 Does this look right? 560 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,485 - Look, please just go back to the phones, okay? 561 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:46,204 I am not in the mood for this today. 562 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:49,051 Apparently, some homeless people broke into the old offices 563 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,446 and destroyed everything. 564 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:53,251 - Homeless people. Can't trust 'em. 565 00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:55,249 Know what I mean? They're a foul, foul breed! 566 00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:57,840 Thanks for, uh- - Ecch! Gross! 567 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,008 - Nice! 568 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,843 - Get your own crew. - Yeah, get outta here. 569 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,644 Let's all beat-box for fun. - Okay. 570 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,128 [all beat-boxing] - ♪ Yeah ♪ 571 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:15,164 ♪ We're all winners today, whatcha say ♪ 572 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:16,611 [laughter] - Bring it back. Bring it back. 573 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,609 - I'm not a rapper. I'm not- 574 00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:20,051 I barely know how to rhyme.