- Okay, we can relax with pep.
And then add a little Jeff Garlic
to curb the enthusiasm of the...
[Phone ringing] Lawry's!
[clears throat] Hello, sir!
Yeah, how are you, dad?
I'm just at the house going over some business stuff.
You know, working overtime. - Oh!
Shipment has arrived!
Karl took a salt pellet to the chest
trying to get it too!
- Oh! Ders, a little help, bud.
- Yes, I- This weekend?
No, not ideal for me.
You booked the ticket?
- Oh, shit. We're gonna rip his head off.
- Well, break the face off or something.
- Okay-
- No, that was just, um- That was a tv.
I'm watching some... Mad Money,
and you know how crazy that guy can get.
Hey. guys. we got a change of plans.
- Grab a sponge, man. We gotta soap this bovine down.
- Yeah, come on, Ders. Don't just stand there.
We gotta jerk this beef, man.
Adam? - Yeah.
- Look, guys, my dad's visiting tomorrow.
[chainsaw buzzing] - That's rad!
- [laughter] Oh, man!
Whoa'.!
Oh. yeah! Very heavy!
- Aa h! Ah-h a-h a-h a!
- Oh!
Whoa'.!
Can I borrow one of your towels?
- You're already using my towel.
All of your towels were my towels.
[beatboxing]
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
- Man, that is so cool that your dad is coming this weekend.
Can't wait to meet the guy.
- No, Blake, it's obviously not.
- It's gonna be awesome! Are you kidding?
He gets to meet us,
and then he gets to see the unveiling
of your beef jerky company.
That's like "the proudest dad ever” moment right there.
- Yeah, Meat Jerking Beef Boys.
That's what we're naming it. - Yeah.
- Incorporated maybe. We're not sure.
- I haven't been truthful with my dad
about any aspect of my lifestyle.
- Who cares, man? Everybody lies to their dad.
- My dad still sends me checks for space camp.
I haven't been in like- I never went.
- Dude, my dad's expectations are way higher, all right?
I had to tell him that I was a VP at Telamericorp.
I told him I play
in an all-white squash league on Sundays,
and that I own my own home, which I don't, clearly.
- I wouldn't even worry about it, Ders.
I'm sure your dad has a huge heart.
Probably has a big old... schlonger as well, huh?
Does he? - Oh, yeah!
Dad dicks? - Maybe.
- Oh, dad dicks are huge, man.
And from all the stories I've heard about your dad,
forget it. That's a monster.
- Totally. - Sure.
- That's a monster just trapped in denim.
- I still remember the first dad dick I saw.
- Uh-huh. - I was seven years old.
It was at a Warriors game.
We were at one of those horse troughs.
- Oh, God! - And I'm like...
- With a stream of just power.
- Growling next to you.
- Yeah. - And that's the thing.
Dad dicks in the late '80s, early '90s,
they were bigger. - Yep
- I think there's something shrinking dad dicks.
That should be on 20/20.
- So what is your pops packing?
- Okay, you wanna know? - Yeah.
- I can't even remember-
He has a legit bat. - Yeah.
- I'm not gonna lie.
If I close my eyes, I can see it right now.
It's got the- It goes a little-
- Oh, man, dad dicks, right? Ooh, mama!
- Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi. Um, I'm Vanessa with McMillan Realty.
We're holding an open house
down the street on Sunday
and I would just absolutely love it if you weren't...
drinking beers on the roof.
- Oh, right. You got it, no problem.
Weed only! - Yep
- Super Blunt Sunday! - Yep
- Super Bowl Sunday! We'll just smoke bowls!
- Or maybe not be on the roof at all.
Sound doable? Thanks!
- Did she just say open house? - Yeah.
- Uh-oh. Hey, I know that look.
- I don't know any of his looks. - Excuse me, Banessa!
- I'm sorry? - It's Banessa, wasn't it?
- No, Va-nessa.
- No, I'm actually positive you came up, you said, "Banessa."
I thought it was a stupid name.
But that's your name and you should stick with it.
I would like to make an offer
to buy that house for the weekend.
Is that a thing? - Oh.
- We can talk when I'm back in town Sunday
for the open house.
You'll see my sign. It's says, "Va-nessa...
with McMillan."
'Kay, thanks again!
- All right. - Ohh.
[laughter]
Oh, I know that look. - Yeah.
- I'm sorry, lady, I don't wanna have sex with you
unless you wanna have sex with me.
In that case, yes, I'll have sex with you.
- Game on. - Yeah.
Shh. - [whispering] Quiet. Shh.
- It's locked. - Shh. I got it.
- What are you doing? - Shh! Quiet.
- Dude!
- Nope, that was- - Yeah.
- Well, I don't know what to do.
Just kidding. Yeah, I do.
- What are you doing? - Shh. Quiet.
All right, well- - Get it, just-Okay.
Jesus. - Shh. Quiet.
Hola... to De Casa de Ders.
- Thank you. - Get in there.
- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey
- You sure this is a good idea, man?
This place is nice.
I don't wanna go to jail for breaking that entering.
- Nobody's going to jail, dude.
The house is staged, man. It's a fake house, dude!
- This is a good idea.
If we get outta here by Sunday, it's perfect.
I mean, my dad's here on business, right?
So he's pressed for time.
He'll come by the house, quick visit,
then I'll take him to dinner, back to the hotel,
and he's back outta my life again.
- Yeah, all right.
What do you say we Ders-sersify this little peach pit?
- Yeah, this couch smells nothing like you.
You should rub your balls on it.
- Nah, I don't think I have to do that.
- Yeah, I'll start. I'll start it off.
- All right. - Get this man-musk in here.
- I'll go shit in the bathroom.
- You know, I didn't masturbate until I was 18 years old?
I would just have sex with items around my house.
- Or just, like, put my clothes in the closet.
You know, we don't need to hump. We don't need to go...poop.
- Yeah. Welcome home.
Whoo! - It smells good in here.
- All right, dudes, he's gonna be here soon
and the living room's almost-
what the fuck are you wearing?
- Well, if you'd gone to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation
like you said you were going to,
you would know that this is my Sergeant Slaughter outfit.
And this is my very good friend Shipwreck.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Uh, got that.
Why are you wearing them right now?
- You talked yourself up so big.
We didn't want you to be best friends
with a couple of doo-doo heads.
- Mm-mm.
- Yeah, so which one of these rooms is mine?
Because I got this necklace of yours I wanna hang up.
- I don't know how to break this to you-
- What should I call your dad?
Should I call him Mr. Holmvik or Ders' dad?
Or 'gust pap'?
- He likes it when you call him Big Papi.
- Look, you guys are not gonna meet my dad!
Okay? I'm sorry.
It's just that I told him I live alone.
And I'll be perfectly honest.
He doesn't even know that you exist.
- How does he not know your best friends exist?
[doorbell] - Okay, that's him.
Please go. Just go. Please?
- That doesn't make- - Are you that ashamed of us?
- Yes! I am ashamed of you.
My dad is a big...dog, and you guys are just pup-
- I am a wolf! I am a big dog too!
- You're a porch puppy. So are you.
- That's racist. - Okay, wow.
- Dersy! - Hey
- Go!
- Oh. Good to see you, sir. No, uh, rental?
- No Jags-all Malibus.
That's not a tough call. - Right.
- I'm surprised you saw that
with that mop of hair in your eyes.
- Right, well, I was, uh- I was just gonna get-
- Ooh. - Get it cut.
And it's so good to see you!
It's just been so long.
- That's a long hug.
[beatboxing]
- ♪ You gotta ♪ - ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
[beatboxing]
- This is your first house. - Yeah, this is all mine.
I bought it, I live here. It's really mine.
But, uh, we should get going
'cause I got the chef's table at McCormick & Schmick's,
and, uh, you know-
- Orange roughy sounds like hell right now.
We're Holmviks. We're going to Morton's.
Yeah, I need a beer.
- Yeah, um, let me see what I got.
There might- - Well, what's the deal here?
- You know, I'm never home 'cause I'm always at, uh...
business dinners, you know, making deals.
Just wheelin' and dealin'.
So, uh, yeah, this is the main hallway here.
Kind of a gallery.
Um, and in here is, uh...
This is my hot yoga studio. Yeah.
- Wait, wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.
You're prepping this place to sell.
- No, I'm-Yeah, I'm gonna sell this place, dad.
- Now I gotta hit the john.
Make some room for that Porterhouse.
You should too. - I'm all right.
- Just do it. - Okay.
- [grunting]
[bottles clanking] Whoo!
- Ooh. I say we leave this as the cooling room.
And then my room will be a little jerk flavoring,
jerking station without any jerking.
I won't do that if we hang the meat in there.
- That's a good call. That's a good call, man.
And I'm thinking we can use my room
to house all the models
for the Meat Jerking Beef Boys Girls calendar.
Right? I say we sprinkle some pepper over these babes,
smother them in teriyaki.
It's like jerky, but jerky that you wanna have sex with.
- Marinade 'em and then masturbate to 'em.
- Sex jerky. That'll sell.
- You're a freakin' genius, man.
- No, I know. I know that.
- And that just proves my theory
that Ders has been holding back our super friendship
this whole time.
- Let's hit this A.C., cool this bitch out.
- Good call.
- Hit the fan, science guy. - You got it, science bro.
- Whoo! Plug this bitch in! - You got it.
- All right, let's crank some cow cuttin' tunes!
- I got you on that. Here we go.
Kick out the jams!
[heavy metal music plays] - [growls]
- Whoo! - Yeah!
- Nice.
Both: Yeah!
- Lopping off a piece.
Ag h!
Clean cut! Clean cut! - Whoa!
- Yeah, crank that bitch down. - That's really hairy.
- That's okay, man. Hair.
It'll add some spice. It'll add some seasoning.
- All right. - Gamy. A gamy taste.
That's what our jerky's gonna be.
It's gonna be a little gam- [power shuts oft]
Okay-
- Well, n-n-now why did that happen?
Shoot - Probably it's just...
plugged up a little bit.
- Yeah, go for it.
[buzzing, music blares] both: Whoa!
- One, two, three, four, five.
- Yep, I'm all good to go. - Okay, whew!
[doorbell]
- Well, look who it is.
If it isn't Judas Priest...
from the Bible, not the band. 'Cause that'd be cool.
- What are you guys doing here?
- Believe me, we don't like this as much as you do.
But we have a few questions about our house.
- Our house, where we live, not you.
- Dersy! Dersy! You're out of T.P.
Luckily, I had a clean pinch.
- Right, um... - Whoa.
- What up? Hey!
I'm Adam. It's great to finally meet you.
We live right over there.
- How's it going?
It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
It's very nice to meet you. - Thor. Thor Holmvik.
- Thor? Your name is Thor?
Ah! That is so-
I didn't know white people had cool names anymore.
- He has a god's name.
- Tell me you name your dick "Thor's Hammer."
- Nope, he doesn't. - You have to at that point.
- You have to. If you're named Thor?
You definitely hit 'em with the hammer, baby.
- Rad.
- Okay, I think, uh, you guys should get going, right?
You need to go, probably?
- Actually, since our houses have similar layouts,
I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
Where's your fuse box?
And also how do you de-blow a fuse?
Is that a thing? Do you de-blow it?
- It's probably in the hallway.
- Okay, so where would it-
where would it be in our house then?
- Could be behind that Van Halen poster
above the Glade Plugln in your house.
- Okay, so your fuse is in your hallway.
We're talking about our house.
- Good luck with the fuse box.
- Great to meet you. - Hold on!
We'd like to play Apples to Apples with Thor!
- No! Just get out of here.
- It's a good thing you're moving.
With those two bisexual tweekers living across the street,
might as well be living in a goddamn condominium.
- Yeah, um...
what makes you say they're bisexual?
[engine sputters]
Ah, geez.
- Does this happen often?
- Well, you know, it's part of the charm.
It's mom's old '\/o. It keeps me humble.
- Well, excuse me.
You're a Holmvik, not a Humblevik.
You finally got something not to be humble about.
- Right.
- Okay, we're going to the Volvo dealership.
- Well, I think we'll go to dinner, and then after-
- No, after dinner,
you're gonna be cresting a buck thirty
in your brand-new black vagina finder.
- Okay, well...
you know, I think black cars attract a lotta heat, so-
- I wasn't talking about the car.
Have you seen that B.E.T. Network?
- Can't believe that selfish bitch is keeping his dad
all to himself. - Ah!
- He's being a little bitch. - Selfish little bitch, man.
You can't keep Thor from all the mortals.
He belongs to us.
- Yeah, well, at least we have a meat locker now.
Dude, if he were here right now, I'd be like...
[screams] - Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah, I'd be like, "Hey. Oh, hi, Ders.
Oh, yeah, buh-bye, Ders!"
[both grunting]
- Oh, split your head open, more like it!
And then you die!
- "Hey, where's this guy's butthole?"
I'm gonna be, "Right there."
and he's gonna be like,
'Well, I'm gonna dive on into your ass!"
- How about you show us a little r-e-s-pee in your mouth?
- What! Hey, no, stop!
Hey, we have to eat that!
- It's hard to stop once you start.
Okay. - All right.
No, get it. Get it. - All right.
Okay, whoo!
All right, well, I'll go get some bleach.
A little Lawry's seasoning, right?
- Yeah.
Seasoning, yes. - Sorry.
- Hey, you know, before we, uh, jump the gun here,
I was looking at this certified pre-owned wagon over there.
That could be kinda cool- a shaggin' wagon.
- I understand your hesitation.
You've got all this money now, and you're wondering,
Should I really be flaunting this
when so many have so little? - Yeah, exactly.
- And the answer is yes.
Goddamn, you're gonna get some wild tail in this car.
- Don't I know it?
I mean, I probably would. I will.
- You know, we need to celebrate.
I'm gonna cancel all my business appointments
and I'm gonna be bunking with my boy
on his beautiful Oriental couch.
I'd take your room,
but a Holmvik never sleeps in another man's bed.
- Yeah, no. I know.
Sir...
I can't...go on just not saying this so, um...
- No, no, no. No. No. No!
There's something I need to tell you.
I am proud of you, Anders.
- [retching]
- I figured there'd be a lot less blood.
- Yeah, me too.
- I didn't realize there was so much blood in a cow.
- Very involved process.
' Oh. my God!
What is that smell?
- Well...it's the blood, Anders.
- It's the blood. There's blood everywhere.
And guts. It's jerky. It's pre-jerky.
- Okay, whatever, dude. I got an emergency.
My dad's trying to crash at my place.
He's not going to a hotel.
The open house tomorrow is totally gonna blow my cover.
- Oh, you poor little baby bitch.
What's the matter?
Did Thor kick you out of the Avengers?
- Yeah. - Sorry!
We're the X-Men.
You must be looking for X-Friends.
I think they're down the road.
- Yeah, like we would ever help you out
in a "quimillion" years. - Not happening.
- Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Why would we ever help you, dude?
- Because I'm gonna give you my Brazzers password.
- Fine, we'll be the bigger men here.
- Here's what I'm thinking.
You guys should come by the house,
make it look like there's a break-in,
just tip over some chairs, empty a drawer or two.
Just enough to freak him out so he goes and stays at a hotel.
You know what I mean?
- Let's do it.
- We want that password first though.
- That's not gonna happen.
- Strong move. We'll do it your way.
- Okay-
Okay, now just watch me. - Yeah.
- All right? - Oh!
- Watch me. - Yeah!
Okay-
- Yeah, we're good to go.
His wallet.
You know, maybe we're being too hard on Ders, man.
He just...loves his dad a weird amount.
- Yeah, you know, it's gotta mess with his head.
His dad is just swinging Thor's hammer,
and, you know, Ders is working with that little ice pick.
It's a big dick to live up to.
- But no giant dad cocks in the world can explain this.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation ticket stub.
He saw it without us!
I don't know whether to cry or explode from anger.
- You know what, I don't even care
how many freakin' passwords that guy gives us.
We should be ashamed of him!
- Oh, I'm so ashamed to be that dude's friend.
- Yeah, we're good friends!
- I'm proud to be your friend, man!
- I'm proud to be your friend!
- I'm ashamed of that dude!
- That guy sucks and he doesn't appreciate us.
- Yeah, that dude doesn't appreciate me.
Doesn't appreciate me, doesn't appreciate-
- Appreciate this! - Doesn't appreciate shit!
- How about you appreciate this? - Oh!
How about you appreciate this?
How about you appreciate that?
- Yeah. - Oh, hi, Ders.
- Where's your little baby dick now?
Where's your little baby dick now?
- Uh, is there a hide-a-bed in here?
That is very heavy. - No, this is-
- Let's find something else to break.
- Okay-
- Whoa, hang on, hang on. Hang on.
- What? What? - The door.
- Dad, I think I've been robbed.
- What's going on? - We need to be careful.
Let's just get your stuff. We'll get you back to the hotel.
It's definitely not safe here, dad.
- Come on. - Dad!
We've been robbed!
Oh, my God. - What the hell's going on?
- This isn't what I... expected to come home to.
Uh, dad, I'm gonna call the cops real quick.
Adam, do not send me to voice-mail.
Pick up your phone. This is not cool, all right?
[squish]
All right, dad, they're gonna send over the CSI guys to, um...
you know, look for prints, or...
uh...pubes or fibers or whatever. Dad?
Hey. dad?
Oh, no.
- Hello!
I know you weedheads are up to something!
California. Land of fruits and nuts.
- ♪ He's insane ♪
[beatboxing]
- Thor! Hey!
- What's going on here? - Whoa!
- You sickos!
- Oh, sh- He's got Thor's hammer!
- He's got two Thor's hammers.
- Sir, no! Please!
- These two perverts robbed you...
and made some sort of sick voodoo,
bisexual jack-off shrine.
- No, sir, trust me. No one's jacked-off in here.
- You've never jacked-off in here?
- Yeah, ljack-off in here, but no-
- Okay, so have I.
- I'm trying to tell him- Sir, this is-
this is my bedroom.
This is the house I live in. - What?
- Yeah, I've been lying to you about my job,
about where I live,
and these two bisexual tweekers are-
These are my best friends.
- Best friends, huh?
That's funny because
why'd you ditch us and go see Retaliation solo?
- Ticket stub right here.
- Look, guys, come on.
You were dressed in full G.I. Joe regalia.
It's a Channing Tatum movie.
There's gonna be down babes there.
- Actually, you're right. I never even thought about that.
- We should be better at this kinda stuff, like girls.
- It wasn't cool of me. I'm sorry.
- Apology accepted...
Anders, son of Thor.
- Actually...
I have a little secret myself.
- Oh, my God. Tell me he's gay.
I've always wanted to be around someone
when they come out of the closet.
- I lost my job three months ago.
Haven't told a soul.
It's bad, Dersy.
We may lose the house.
- Oh, my God.
- The lake house. Sorry about the pause.
- Oh. - Very misleading, Mr. Thor.
- Okay, just so we're clear, there's no gay part?
- Just one.
- What?
- Oh. - Whoa! [laughing]
- Oh, I thought they were gonna kiss.
- Oh, yeah.
Sure. - Yeah.
- So you guys are sure
we got all the photos out of that house of me, right?
- Oh, yeah. There's nothing in there
they can trace back to you. - All right.
- Dig in, boys! First batch!
- Woo-hoo!
- Here we go. - Oh, you get the big dog.
Here you go.
- Guess there were supposed to be more strips,
but chunks will do, I suppose.
- Well, that's our thing. We have a chunkierjerk.
- Yeah, cheers. - Cheers.
- Meat Jerking Beef Boys. - Mmm
- [chuckles]
- Mmm
Yum.
- I've never had wet jerky before.
I will say that. - Different.
- Some say wetter, the better. - Mm-hmm.
- Most-Most don't.
This tastes like bacon...
like if bacon were marinated in rain
for a few days in, like, a gutter.
- What did you do to actually make this...
actually jerky?
- Well, we hung it and wiped it.
That's what we did. - And I pissed on it.
- Adam pissed on it. Now I'm remembering.
Adam pissed on it. - Yeah.
- Why don't we just, uh, go for a spin in my new V0
before I return it, man?
Thank God for that 24-hour buyers remorse.
- Um...wait, what new car?
- Dude, my dad made me go buy a drop-top black Volvo.
It's parked outside the other house.
It's...quite swift-looking.
- That's not a stage car to go along with the staged house?
- [scoffs] No, they don't make stage cars.
Why? What'd you do?
- Maybe we should go inside. - What? Why, what'd you do?
- We keyed it... and destroyed it.
Just kidding.
- Oh, dude! [all laughing]
- I wouldn't do that to you. We wouldn't do that to you.
- Nice!
[dog snorting] [party favor blowing]
- Do you know if cow dick comes out of carpet?
- It's a bad stain.
It looks like alfredo sauce, but like a bloody alfredo sauce.
- Bad. - It's like-
It was filled with jizz. - Mm-hmm.
- The pouch. - Unbelievable how much-
- And it just creamed all over the whole...foyer.