- I have a great aunt who lived to be, like, 129.
- Oh, cool, that's physically impossible, so nuts.
- No, Derch, physics have nothing to do with it.
She was a human hero. - Well, how'd she die?
- Gunfire- cops shot her.
- Oh. - What?
- Yeah.
Whoa, what the fug? - You have 20 minutes
to clean this up.
- What? We didn't do this.
What are these, capes? - All right, who was it?
- Your mama. [laughter]
- Waymond, you're being uncharacteristically quiet.
Did you do this to us? Is this your doing?
'Cause if you did, we're gonna come back at you...
so hard.
- That's right, 'cause anybody who comes at us...
know that we come back at you twice as hard.
- Preach. - That's right.
You want us to come hard? You got us to come hard!
- So, seriously, guys- - I come hard in my sleep!
- All right, all right. Waymond-
- I will come on you!
- Here's the deal. Waymond, you gotta fess up,
unless you want three dudes on top of you coming hard.
In three, two- - Bazinga!
[laughter, cheering]
- You guys do this? - B-rad is back, baby, yes!
Oh, he's coming up top. - Yeah, get him out of here.
[beatboxing]
$5'
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
- There we go. There we go.
Yeah. - Oh, we're giving birth.
Giving birth to a B-rad. There he is.
- All right, man! - There he is.
- Yeah, buddy, dust him off.
- B-rad, it's good to see you, man.
You're looking pretty fit. - Looking good, dude.
- What are you doing in town?
- Also, why'd you come at me so hard, bro?
You came at us so hard with all these popcorn...s.
- It was a joke, you bitch!
- Whoa. Shots fired. - I'm in town
to do a ride-along with the police,
'cause I'm writing a cop novel.
- Cool. - Wow.
- Gritty stuff. - I bet, dude.
- But Alice wanted me to stop by for the roast.
- Roast? What roast? - Yeah.
- Oh, Monday is Bill's
20th anniversary of working at TelAmeriCorp,
so we're roasting him.
- Cool. Yeah. - Oh, nice.
- All right, so, like, how many snaps should we write?
- Yeah, can we work blue? Can we cuss?
- And also, who's Bill?
- Oh, actually, Alice said
you guys don't get to do the roast.
- Really? - Uh, why wouldn't
the three funniest guys in the office be roasting him?
- You're not funny.
[all scoff]
- I'm not funny? Me?
Adam, "the-the laugh ki- the laugh-uh...
giver” DeMamp.
- Mm-hmm.
- I know all 101 sickjokes for twisted kids.
- Oh, Alice, you want to know the difference
between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand?
- I don't eat sand.
[laughter]
- [scoffs] Fine. Whatever.
- You'll let us roast? - Yes.
[cheering] - Yes! Nice.
- Yes. - So cool. I got this thing...
- Hey, you honestly don't think I'm funny?
Just me, not talking about those guys.
- You've honestly never said one thing I have ever found
at all funny, bro.
- [scoffs] What do you know about funny?
Chicks aren't funny. Dudes are funny.
Hangover 2 rules. Bridesmaids drools.
- I don't care what anybody says.
We're the funniest people in this office.
- Funnier than that dad. - I'm funnier than she is.
- Got a subscription to "Suicide Illustrated! "
[laughter] Wait-look, y'all.
Now Bill is trying to get a snack?
Bill! You know you gonna end up eating what you always eat-
them big-ass boogers in your nose!
[laughter]
- Hey, you know, I see what you're doing, Bill.
He's trying to make jokes about you, but it's, uh-
it's "snot" funny.
[three guys laughing]
It-it is- it's snot funny.
- Snot. - I said "snot,"
because the boogers... with the snot.
- Hey, uh... - What the-
- Bill's so bald, right? He looks like he, uh-
like he's a cancer patient!
- [laughing]
Death bed!
- This dude, um, he's a human...
[imitates farting]
- [imitates farting] [laughs]
- [chuckles]
- [imitates farting]
- One time, I seen that motherfucker
dookie in his drawers!
[laughter]
- Dookie! Dookie!
♪ Dookie in your drawers, Bill ♪
♪ Bookie in your draw- 3'
- You know, maybe Montez is right.
Maybe I'm not an hysterical dude.
- Hew - I won't listen to it.
- You are funny, okay?
No one has given me more laughs in this world
than this guy. - Yeah.
- Adam "the laugh giver” DeMamp.
- [chuckles] - Yep
- Thank you. - I mean, sure, Montez has
broad appeal, right? - Sure.
- We'll give him that. But I'm sorry...
I have a more refined, dry, British sense of humor,
a la the funniest movie of all time, Austin Powers.
- [imitates buzzer]
- No. - Oh, please!
Funniest movie of all time,
no questions, Wayne's World one.
- [scoffs, laughs]
- [imitates buzzer] No, sir.
You guys like the big blockbusters.
That's cool. That's fine. Me, personally-
indie comedy.
- [groans] - That's what I'm into.
I'm talking about Indian comedy.
Very, very, very hot right now.
Love Guru? That's the future of comedy.
- You guys are out of your minds.
- Not listening. - It's Wayne's World-
- I hope I'm not interrupting a circle jerk.
- No, we were just- - We're not circle-jerking.
Although this would be the room to do it in.
- Where the weed at? Bring it, baby. Bring it.
- He's back. - Party beast.
- What are you dick gymnasts squawking about, anyway?
- Oh, man, I don't know.
We just want to be the stars of the roast,
but that Montez guy, he has so many snaps.
- Yeah.
- 'Tez is a cartoon character. - Mm-hmm.
- I don't find him funny.
- Yeah, I mean, t-these people-
they're not gonna understand my party tricks.
I've got party tricks. I have this one where I eat
60 ketchup packets, and then I don't vomit.
- I will tell you the secret to a good roast.
Know your target, inside and out,
and then hit 'em where it hurts! - Whoa.
I thought he was gonna hit me. - He's right.
Montez knows Bill way better than we do.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but he knows work Bill.
He doesn't know the real Bill- weekend Bill.
We gotta get to know weekend Bill.
- Weekend Bill.
- We've gotta get to know weekend Bill.
- Wait, who's Bill, again?
[beatboxing] - ♪ You gotta ♪
- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
[beatboxing]
- The reason Wayne's World works
is because it takes place in the real world.
- I touched that. - It's about real dudes.
- Comedy is not about jokes.
- Did you guys see how I just touched that?
- Ooh, yeah, Mini-Me, real good. Midget comedy.
- It's about shedding light on what's true.
And Austin Powers does that. - Here, shh! Here it is.
- Come on. - Number eight.
[relaxing music]
$5'
- Holy yoga, dude! He's a yoga dude.
- Oh, we can destroy him. No one likes yoga dudes.
♪ Guru! ♪
- Dude, it funny because, like, girls do yoga, and he's a guy,
and he's doing yoga. - Yeah, that is why it's funny.
- Right? - Yeah, we're really finding,
you know, the depth of the comedy.
We're really digging deep. - Right. What's he doing...
now, though?
- Oh, my God. - Naked yoga.
- [chuckles] - What?
- Oh, my God, he's a "naked yoga" guy.
Wait, is he- - God, he's sucking it.
- Yes! We're gonna skewer him with this!
- Ugh.
- You really think we can make fun of him for this?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- What are you talking about? This is amazing.
He's like a superhero. We can't reveal his superpowers.
- I'm sorry. Does this not come across to you as just
the gayest thing you've ever seen?
- I think it's gay not to sip your own tip.
That means you don't like blowjobs that much,
and that's, like, the gayest thing in the world.
- Right.
- Uh, guys, I think he's about to-
- Okay, let's take a lap. Let's take a lap.
- What's he doing?
- I know exactly what that is.
It's medical cream for eczema, without a doubt.
[kazoo humming]
Okay, so he's a street performer with eczema.
This is...sad. - This is great!
We have so much good stuff for the roast.
- What? What's funny about unlimited self-blowjobs
and getting paid to do the robot?
- Thank you. - Nothing.
I'm jealous of this dude.
We're coming up dry.
We can't make fun of him for this.
[kazoo humming]
- I'm not doing this again, dude.
Just tell me what you want.
[kazoo humming]
Jesus Christ! Okay, fine, ham?
Is that what you want?
- Oh, no, this is just depressing.
- [whispering] Yeah, I'm sad too.
Mostly hungry, actually.
- [whispering] Yeah. Ders, go order a pizza.
- [whispering] They don't serve pizza here.
It's a sandwich place.
- Do you think they'll deliver pizza here,
like, if we ordered from a pizza place?
- Do you have a punch card? [kazoo humming]
You punched this yourself, didn't you?
[kazoo hums]
- All right, you know what? Get out. We're done.
Beat it. [kazoo hums]
Don't take that sandwich! I will call the cops!
- Hey, hang on a second, hang on a second.
I'll pay for his food. Look, he's...
he's my dad, so I'm very embarrassed.
I'm sure your dad's embarrassed you from time to time.
- No, he hasn't. He's-he has great judgment.
He would never do something like this.
- You've been following me all day?
- Eh, since, like, 9:00 A.M.
- So you saw me...?
- Mm-hmm. - Yes.
You've gotta teach me how to do that.
- Believe me, you don't wanna go down that road.
- It's the only road I want to go down.
- Anyway. look.
We're just looking for dirt on you
so we can beat Montez at roasting.
- I hate this stupid roast.
I already know I'm a loser.
I don't need the whole office telling me so.
- You got a bunch of- - Montez is ruthless.
I don't even want to go. - Whoa, whoa, okay.
That means we don't get to roast.
Bill, what you're forgetting here is that...
you're the guest of honor, right?
- Yeah. - So you get the last word.
We can take Monte: down together.
- Yep-
- What about that dickhead Jet Set?
- You teach me how to...
[gagging]
Myself, and we've got a deal.
- Well, you gotta be big.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
_ Holy moly.
- ♪ O'er the land-uh ♪
♪ Of the free-uh ♪
♪ And that home of Bill's gay-uh ♪
[cheers and applause]
And I'm out. Have fun roasting this bald pig.
- Great job, Bradley!
- Who's Bradley? I'm Tony Clifton, you asshole.
Wake up! All: Oh!
- Bill treat his nose like the hometown Buffet!
- What's the worst job in the world?
Being Bill's pants, 'cause you know
you're gonna get dookied on! [laughter]
- He has a booger pasta bar, a booger dessert bar,
a booger cutting station...
- Yes, Bill, you look like a goddamn child molester.
- Bill be picking his boogers like he Orville Redenbacher.
Pop, pop, pop, pop. POP. POP! [laughter]
- I got three words for you, brother.
Wash your stinkin' ass!
[laughter]
- Okay, our next roasters wanted to do it as a threesome.
And they also wanted to perform together.
All right, let's give it up for Adam, Anders, and Blake!
Whoo! - Shagadelicl
Do I make you randy, baby?
- Shwing! [laughs]
- Tickle, tickle, break the pickle.
- Excellent.
- [British accent] We were listening out there,
you know, and you guys were
roasting Bill pretty hard.
And he's my mate,
so I'm here to tell you to behave, baby, yeah!
- All right.
We're not worthy of such a great co-worker.
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
[all boo]
- I got it.
[Indian accent] Mariska Hargitay.
Mari-ska Hargitay!
[crowd booing loudly]
[siren wails] - Y'all stop!
- Tickle, tickle, break the pickle.
Did I already-l did this.
Hey, come on. - Ow!
That hurt my ankle.
Have you guys really not seen Love Guru?
- No one has. - It's a funny, funny movie.
Mike Myers is in it. - Yeah, Wayne's World one.
- It's, like, one of the biggest comedies
of, like, the early mid-2000s. - All right, all right, look.
We're sorry you don't like
our characters, but we're funny guys.
And we followed Bill this weekend.
And guess what he does on the weekend?
He paints himself silver like a robot
and goes on the street and begs for money.
[chuckling] And then-and then we also
caught him stealing a sandwich,
because he's that poor, guys. [laughter]
- This isn't what we planned. What are you doing?
- It's all true. It's all true. We followed him.
And guess what we saw?
We saw this broke-ass fool suck his own dick!
- What? [laughter]
- He's good at it. - That's hilarious.
- Enough!
You guys said you were on my side!
- Sure, whatever, man. - They love it, man.
- You're right. My life is a joke.
But I have news for you! [gun cocks]
All: Oh!
This is where the joke ends!
[beatboxing]
- Okay. All right. - Oh, God! Oh, God!
- All right, everybody in the corner!
Let's go! Let's go!
Cell phones in here!
I don't want anyone ruining my big day!
- Hey, Bill, what are you doing?
Okay, please, just put the gun down.
- You heard the lady. Put it down.
- Or what?
- You're making a big mistake, man.
- Don't do something you're gonna regret, man.
- Something I regret? I regret my entire life!
- What?
A good-looking guy like yourself?
No, no, no! Please don't kill me!
I wish this was all a dream!
Doodle-ooh, doodle-ooh, doodle-ooh.
- Stop, stop, I got this. Look, okay...
Bill, if anyone knows what it's like to be picked on, it's me.
My father was a relentlessly self-improving
boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy
and a penchant for buggery.
- Shut up and help me lock this place down,
Mr. Powers. - Okay, all right.
- His back's turned. Let's do this.
- Do what? - Roll on him!
Grab the gun and bring him to justice.
Get my reward.
- Don't- Oh, don't be stupid.
- Too late.
Welcome to Staples Center... bitch.
Aah!
[all shouting]
- Shit! [gun cocks]
- Oh, gosh! - Come with me!
Now'.!
- Good-bye...
forever.
- Adam.
- Turn around!
[both laughing]
They bought it, right? - Oh, totally!
Oh, I'm sorry I did the stapler thing.
I just felt-l really felt like that was in the moment,
you know? - No, no, that was good.
It sold it. It was hilarious.
- It did sell it, right? - Yeah!
- I was feeling it! That was incredible.
Ders and Blake did a good job too.
Like, we can't forget about them.
You did great!
- Okay, so what's next?
- All right, everybody just be calm.
Adam's probably in there telling Bill to turn himself in.
It's gonna be over soon. [gunshots]
[all gasping]
- Oh, my God! - Oh, God.
- What have you done?
- Anyone else wanna be a hero?
- You need help, man. Bill, let us help you.
- You want to help me? - Yes, Bill.
- Maybe you should have thought of that
before you said I ate my boogers!
- Bill, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry.
It was a roast. - Then show me you're sorry.
I want you to pick every nose here and eat it,
one by one!
- What? Come on, Bill.
- Dude, eat their boogers!
He's not messing around. He just killed Adam.
- Bill, sir, if Montez does what you say,
will you let us all live?
- He eats every booger, and I'll consider it.
- Okay-
- Why don't you start with Waymond?
He looks a little stuffy.
- Come on, Bill. Put the gun down, Bill.
- Montez, save a life. Eat a booger.
- I'm sorry, Waymond.
I can't-ugh.
- Oh. [chuckles]
- Oh, God, he's eating it.
[all groan] - Oh, I can't-
- You know what would make this perfect?
If Jet shits his pants...
- Hell, no! - while you're digging for gold.
Everybody wins! - Bill-
- Bill, no! Don't make him do it.
- Never question my authority,
unless you want everyone to die.
- Let me do it for him. I'll shit my pants right now!
- Whoa, uh, no, J-Jillian- - You're okay.
- Just let him handle his thing. Thank you, though.
- No, I have it in me right now. - You're very brave.
- Think about what you doing right now, Bill.
Stop this.
- I am thinking! Do it!
- Oh, God. [operatic music]
[all gagging]
[all groaning]
- I can't. I can't. I can't.
[Blake laughing]
- Eat it!
[all groan]
- I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
- [farts]
[all reacting]
- Okay, everyone, I have an announcement!
This whole thing- - Bill, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
Uh, before you make that announcement,
you had something else you wanted to say, remember?
You wanted Ders here
to admit that Wayne's World is a better movie
than Austin Powers, or he'll kill him!
- I did? - Yes, you did.
- Okay, sure, uh...
say what Blake said, or I'll kill you!
- Yeah.
- Well, then I guess you're gonna have to kill me,
because that's a goddamn lie, and I don't lie.
I will admit that it blows Love Guru out of the water.
Wayne's World is better than Love Guru.
I'll say that. - Well, obviously.
That's really not saying anything, okay?
Because Wayne's World is better than Austin Powers
and Love Guru combined. - Oh-ho!
- It has the funniest lines! - You know what?
I feel like I'm surrounded by freakin' idiots.
- No way. Way! - Shh! Shh!
- NO Wa y- W
- Camera one, camera 'W0. Camera one, camera “NO.
- Stop! Sto- - Praise Buddha.
I am reincarnated.
I am once again...
the Love Guru!
- What in the fuck?
- I can't believe you would talk trash on another man's comedy
when he's not even in the room- very Wayne move of you.
Bill, shoot Wayne in the face. - I wouldn't even call your
movie a comedy, really.
- Justin Timberlake? - Oh, my God.
- That man is a quadruple threat.
- He's a singer. - He is so-so many threats.
- He's not a comedic actor. He's a dancer.
- I'm threatened by so many-
- On the floor, now! - Oh, my God! Oh!
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
It was a mistake! - It was a joke! It was a joke!
[beatboxing]
- ♪ We're like ♪ - ♪ Fresh, fresh, fresh ♪
- Don't move! - No, no, no, no!
This is all just a misunderstanding, all right?
We were just trying to be funny,
but I guess it just wasn't as funny as we thought it was.
- That's right. It wasn't very funny at all.
But this is.
- It was a joke, you bitch!
[laughter] - What the fug?
- These guys are my S.W.A.T. homies from my ride-along.
Thanks, guys. Worked like a charm.
- Good luck on your book, B-rad.
Sounds like some real gritty stuff.
- I know. I'm writing it.
- Yeah. [laughs, claps] - Wow.
- What? - Bill called me last night
to make sure your little "performance"
didn't get him into any trouble. - I'm sorry.
- You're such a loser. - Wow. Okay, Bill.
- And you know what's weird is I seem to remember
someone saying, "Chicks aren't funny."
- God, I love you. - Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.
None of this was funny at all. - Hmm, well.
- Y'all had me eat Jet Set's boogers.
Nobody said anything!
And this poor bastard got dookie in his pants.
- Oh! I don't mind, because this was a good roast.
Congratulations, Bill.
I gotta go home, get some of this mess off of me.
- Ooh, good night, my dudes.
- [British accent] Good night, baby.
[door closes] - [sighs]
' [sighs] ' [sighs]
Come to papa. [grunting]
[choking]
- Come on!
[grunts loudly]
- [grunting]
Hunh-ow! My bacld
- Nice!
[dog grunting] [party horn blows]
- But, man, I'm serious, man.
All jokes aside, my teacher told me a long time ago,
she said, "If you have a friend
that needs some advice, give it to him."
You got to clean some of that shit up off your ass, man.
[laughter]
You got to clean up some of that shit.