- [chuckles]
No. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, sure.
- [screams]
[bike whirring]
[all screaming]
- What are you doing? - Aah!
- Whoa! all: Ohh.
- You know what? I'm outta here.
- No, no, no, wait, no, no, no. Oh, hey, hey, hey!
Don't leave! They'll leave!
I'll make them leave! - Sorry.
- You're not gonna survive the apocalypse
with that attitude. - What the hell are you doing?
- We're LARPing. - We're LARPing.
- Getting psyched up for Code of Ronin: Undead Apocalypse.
The game comes out tomorrow, man!
- Yeah, I'm a zombie.
I'm not like a dumb zombie who eats brains.
I'm like a smart one who eats, like-
like, Boston Market and stuff. - Yeah.
- Okay, good to know. I was about to do
some eatin' of my own until you guys came in.
- That's awesome.
- You know what? That was the girl from the bank.
Wasn't it? - That was The Darkness?
Both: That was The Darkness!
- Her name is Jenny from the bank.
- So Jenny was the girl that was definitely not
gonna bless you with her sex. - Oh.
- Does this look like she was never
gonna bless me with her sex?
. Dang-
Ders gets a butt.
[beatboxing]
$5'
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta ♪
♪ You gotta, gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
- And I actually need weed for, like,
everything in my life.
- It's a crutch. - It's pretty bad, yeah.
- Hey, Blake, I'm feeling sick,
so I need you to work my desk for the rest of the day.
- Ugh. You look horrible.
- Well- - Yeah.
About that, I can't, not today.
Code of Ronin comes out tonight,
and I gotta save a spot in line at the video game store.
Actually, I was just about to leave.
Check it out.
- That's good form. - Nice.
- Huh? I'm gonna put 'em in the bathroom stall,
tell everybody I'm crapping the rest of the day.
- Okay, well, I can't lie to you guys.
I'm not really sick. I just-
I told Alice that so I could leave early
to go see Walking with Dinosaurs:
Arena Spectacular.
- Uh, maybe one of these guys could cover for you.
- I really shouldn't.
It would set a precedence in this office
that we don't need. - No, for Alice?
We'd probably end up fuggin' all day,
get no work done.
- Please, Blake. I mean, my lifelong dream
is to live in Jurassic Park times.
- 1993? - Please, I really need this!
I need it!
Okay? [quivering]
Please, Blake!
- All right, all right, all right, yeah.
- Oh, okay, great. - Yeah, yeah.
- That's Alice's appointment book.
- Okay, sure, appointment book.
- [screeches] - [growls]
- Have a lot of fun. - Get out of here.
- Jillian, feel better. - Oh, no.
I'm not actually sick.
So what you said about my face earlier was-
It was rude. - No game.
Great, now I'm gonna be 24 hours behind
everybody's skill level.
Those racist teenagers online are gonna buttram me.
Ders. - Sony
- Buddy, come on, dude.
Please just stand in line for me.
And then, once I get off work,
I'll come bail you out, please.
- [laughs] No. - Come on.
- Are you kidding, after last night?
Dude, I gotta get The Darkness back to our house.
I'm thinking about stepping it up,
getting out the guy-liner, crossing over.
- Yeah, you do kinda look like Jared Leto a little bit.
- Seriously, thank you. - Yeah, but, like,
an uglier version of him.
- Sure, that works for me.
- I guess, probably not even Jared Leto,
like a relative of his who's fat and ugly
but still sees Jared on Christmas.
- Can't slam me, not with Jared Leto in there.
- Adam? - Hmm?
- Help me out, dude. - Mm-mm.
- Come on, you're my brother. You're my bro!
Come on. - No. No, no, no, no.
I hate lines, dude.
- Look, you could buy a bunch of games.
And then when they sell out, you could sell 'em on eBay.
You'll make, like, a lot of money.
- I could make, like, 10,000 bucks probably.
- Yeah, no, not that much,
but, like, a healthy profit.
- You know what? I'll do it.
- Yes! - I need money, actually.
Because I've recently given a ton of money to charity, so-
- That's awesome, man. - Good for you, man.
- Just kidding. - Blake!
Where the hell are you?
I need a toasted bagel with salmon cream cheese
and my yerba mate.
- Coming, Alice. [chuckles]
- Coming at ya.
- Hey, Dark- Jenny, it's Anders.
- Oh, hey.
- Just calling to apologize about last night.
Um, I was hoping I could make it up to you
this evening. - I can't tonight.
I'm gonna wait in line for Code of Ronin:
Undead Apocalypse.
- Code of Ronin? Yeah, I know it
'cause my roommates are gonna go wait in line for it.
You don't have to.
They'll just pick you up a copy and, uh,
since you'll be at my house already,
they can just give it to you late night.
- Hew
Did you punk bitches take my salmon cream cheese?
- No, I haven't seen it. Good luck.
Anyway, so it'll just be me and you,
you and me and- - Yoo-hoo.
That shit was from Noah's!
I ain't gonna let you chitchat
till you get me my cream cheese.
Hello, hey! Hey, girl!
He got baby balls!
- Jesus. What's all that noise?
- I'm watching an episode of Martin.
Here. There. - This ain't my cream cheese.
And it's definitely not salmon-flavored.
- But I don't- Look, Tez, please.
I'm desperately trying to get this goth girl
over to my house tonight to get a little freaky.
- Oh, goth girl? Well, you should've said that
from jump, fool.
Okay, this is what I want you to tell her.
You gonna tell her you have a gang of Tanqueray
and some bubonic chronic.
- I am not saying that. - You tell her-
- Hello, are you still there?
- Yeah, no, no, I'm here.
Um, hey, about tonight, I've got, uh,
a gang of Tanqueray and some bubonic chronic.
- Good enough for me.
- It worked. - You damn right it worked.
- That's crazy.
- It's been a while for you, huh?
- It's been so long.
[phone vibrates]
- All right, all right, all right.
Yeah, yeah. [phone vibrates]
Ch'ello?
- Yo, Blazer, I am lost, dude.
- Okay, all right, all right.
What street are you on?
- Uh, looks like Maple Avenue.
- Okay, yes, yes, good, good. That's perfect.
You're in the right direction.
Just keep heading north, okay?
And you're gonna see a line.
And there's gonna be a bunch
of real gnar brajes and brajettes
dressed like samurai zombies.
You can't miss it. It's a lot of fun.
- All right. Brajes and-
- Were you planning on bringing me my food
at any point today?
- I was. Um, and-
[imitates fanfare]
The Queen's breakfast,
a plain bagel with salmon cream cheese.
- I said toasted.
Does that- Does that look toasted to you?
- No.
Now bring me one that's toasted.
You know, you are worse than Jillian,
and she might have Aspergers.
I'm allowed to break your face, Blake.
- Can I have my phone back?
- Oh, Ders, man.
I'm glad you called, dude. - Hey
- I was sensing, like, some really weird vibes
between us, you know, almost like
we weren't friends or something.
- I-I like you, dude. - Really?
'Cause you didn't give to my Kickstarter, man,
and that really bummed me out.
I needed 4 Gs to buy Funyuns.
- Oh, you had a Kickstarter to buy Funyuns, the company?
- No, dude, I just wanted to buy hella Funyuns, man.
- How about the weed, Karl? - Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.
There you go, eighth-ola. - Hew
- Good, now listen, that's for free, okay?
That's the friend-o price, all right?
And since we're friends now, I was wondering
if you'd like to go check out a model train show
with me tonight. It'd be cool.
- Tonight? - Yeah, tonight.
- I can't. I'm so sorry.
Any other time, I swear to God, okay?
- Oh, dude, tomorrow night, I'm gonna roast a bowl,
and then there's this big hide-and-seek game
down at the quarry, man. You'd love it.
Let's go check your calendar. - No, no, no.
The calendar-There's nothing on the calendar.
Oh, um, that's my boss!
You gotta get out of here!
Mr. Womano, there's a homeless guy.
I'm taking care of it. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Get out of here! - Oh, ow! Ow!
- Is that a zombie?
You a zombie?
Hey, zombie!
Next.
Whoa!
Your scabs are so real-looking, dude.
That's dedication. That is dedication.
Can I touch it?
I wanna touch it.
[laughs]
It feels like a puffy corn flake.
Mm-mm. [spits]
Nope, does not taste like one.
Tastes like a real scab.
That's cool how they make it taste real too.
Man, technology, you know?
Have you seen Benjamin Button?
The makeup in that-
You're lucky.
[beatboxing]
- Toasted, toasted. I'll give you toasted.
I will give you toasted. I'm giving her toasted.
- Hold up, hold up!
I know that's not my salmon-flavored cream cheese
from Noah's. - What? Oh, uh-
Oh, yeah, yeah. I guess it is.
But, you know, there's only a little bit left,
and Alice wants her bagel, so thank you.
- You better give me my goddamn cream cheese
before it get violent in here.
- Okay, I'm sorry, but I don't need this today.
All right? I am under copious amounts of stress.
All right, Alice is breathing down my neck.
So zip it, all right?
- I'm warning you, dude!
I've been dreaming about this cream cheese all week,
and you know I can't have it at the house
'cause Colleen said it's too caloric.
- Well, I'm sor-
[dramatic music]
$5'
- Ooh, if you so much as put a knife on anything
in that cheese, I'm gonna slap that mustache
off that pretty little mouth.
Do it, dude.
See what happens.
You don't got the guts.
[heart beating rapidly]
Do it! - Aah! Okay!
All right, all right. Don't hit me, okay?
I have extremely sensitive cheeks.
Please don't slap me.
- [groans]
Lines suck, dude.
My mom was actually stabbed in the stomach
when she was pregnant with me, waiting in line
for Riddlefs Revenge at Six Flags.
So I have, like, post-traumatic pre-natal stress disease.
It's, like, a real thing in my life.
You know what would really chill me out?
If I were able to...
[high-pitched] Smoke a bowl.
[normal voice] Would you guys be able
to help me out with that?
[high-pitched] Smoke some weed.
[normal voice] I could pay.
I got some cash.
- We'll get you high, man. Don't worry about it.
Why don't we go someplace a little bit more private?
- More private? Okay.
Wow, you're taking this zombie thing
really seriously, aren't you? - [chuckles]
- Hello, Jenny. You look ravishing.
- When are your friends gonna be back with the game?
- Not for a good while, so...
that means it's just me and you for a little bit.
I hope you're a panini girl.
I've got some paninis for you, madame.
[blows raspberry] I'm just kidding.
- Where's the weed?
- The weed is right here.
Let's get silly.
- Yeah, it'd be better if you roll them too,
because sometimes they get really soggy when I do it.
I got, like, extra kissing juices or something.
I don't know. [sniffs]
[knock at door]
Yeah? - Hey, what's up, best friend?
Man, how's it going? - What are you doing here?
- Dude, I'm on the bang patrol, baby.
Did you bang her yet? - Not yet. No, I haven't.
But thanks for patrolling, I appreciate it.
I'll see you around. - What, no-
No, I brought my guitar, just in case
you wanted me to "sere-nah-day" you.
♪ I wanna slip inside of y- ♪
- I don't need your songs, man.
I got Ders-patented love moves, okay?
I'll be banging her in about 20 minutes.
Thank you. - Dude, that's what's up, man.
That's my guy. You're gonna fuck this chick.
- Yeah. - You know that, right?
- Yeah, I know it. - Bang her.
Then you are gonna need this.
- What for?
- So you can tape yourself while you're banging her, man.
All right, there's nothing more empowering
than jerking it to your own butt and balls.
Trust.
- It would be kinda cool to see my moves.
- Mm-hmm. - Let's do it.
Just put it in the ceiling vent in my room, all right?
- Okay-
- So, uh, repairman, the vent
that's broken in my bedroom
is just down that hall and to the left.
- Oh, yeah, absolutely, sir, yes.
You are the customer, and I am the repairman.
- Yep - My God.
You are gorgeous, and you are so lucky
to have such a wonderful man here.
I mean, I meet a lot of guys
in my line of business, which clearly is vents.
- Yeah. - And, uh, he's the best
I've ever met. - Oh, yeah.
He's the best, all right. - Yes.
- He's great, probably great in the sack.
- Okay, thank you.
Good luck in there, repairing vents.
The vents have been driving me nuts.
I've got this phlegm-y thing I can't get rid of, but-
- Oh, no. - But I'm better now.
I'm raring to go.
Ow! Jesus!
- [exhales] Whoo!
Ooh! This stuff makes me feel strong, dude.
I feel like I could punch through a wall right now.
What kind of weed is this?
- It's PCP.
- PCP. [exhales]
Wow, very cool. Check that off the list.
- Why don't you just give us all the money?
We'll make this easy. - Uh-[exhales]
Yep. I'll throw you guys some cash.
- No, no, no, no. - Can you break a 20?
- No, all of it, and the wallet too.
- No, that's not what I-
That's not what we had agreed to.
I thought we were just buddies smoking some weed,
not PCP. [laughs]
- Give me the money now! - Aah!
[screaming] [both growling]
[screaming]
[dubstep music]
$5'
[all growling]
- [screaming]
Ow!
[beatboxing]
- Adam? Adam?
[sighs] I left my phone at the off-
Adam?
What the hell?
- I'm right here, Blake.
I saved your spot
while you were in the bathroom.
- [chuckles] Marshall Davis?
- Yeah, man, from Rancho Video and Disc.
I used to hook you up.
- Hey, man, thanks for letting me in line.
I mean- Sorry, excuse me.
I-I had a friend who was saving a spot for me,
but I guess he got lost.
- Hey, no problem, man. You know, it's been a while.
We should get together and play some Magic.
- Oh, dude, I brought my swarm deck.
- Yo, you can't cut in line, bitch!
- Oh. Oh, no, he- He was just in the bathroom.
- No, he wasn't, dude.
I was watching the whole time.
You just forfeited your line privileges, bro!
- Okay, thank- - Excuse me, Chad,
all right, and I'm just assuming that's your name
by the way you're dressed, but don't yell at him.
I'm the one who cut in line.
- First of all, bro, my name's Devin.
Second of all, that story sucks.
Why don't you guys go to the back of the line now?
- Okay, sorry, sir. We'll get to the back of the line.
- No, no, no, no. Wait a second.
This is your spot. Stand your ground.
- Eh, what can you do? It happens.
- It does happen, and it's happening, dude.
Back of the line! You too!
Let's go, Gandalf. - All right, all right.
- Yeah, follow the finger.
That's what you get when you mess
with Tony Danza's cousin!
- Devin Danza?
- God, you do have some kinks
and some meaty traps.
[guitar note] Oh, yeah.
- I'm done.
Maintenance is all good.
And as we say in the ventilation business,
cameras are rolling, man.
- All right, thank you for your help, Mr. Vent Man.
- No problem.
- Where do you think you're going?
- Well, his job's done, so he's leaving.
- Yeah. - Not yet he's not.
Let's take this party to the bedroom.
- Yeah, no, I know, I know.
I just thought it was gonna be us two tonight.
- But that's not a party.
This is a party.
- Ooh.
- And I like parties.
- I call first bang.
- I want you both to take your shirts off.
- Yeah. - Um, both of us have to?
- Both of you.
- [deep breath]
- Oh, God. Okay, all right.
It's just, you know, 'cause it's cold in here is all, so-
- Now I want you two to show me
what you would do to me on each other.
- Okay, well, I would grab your titty-
- Stop it! - Chill out, man.
It's just a titty, dude.
Male, female, it's all the same, baby, it's skin.
- No. I am not comfortable with this.
- Well, you better get comfortable,
because later, I'm gonna make you really comfortable...
in my pussy.
- Okay, just start here. - Yep, right here.
So I'ma do this first.
I'm gonna rub it and tantalize it a little bit.
Then I'm gonna grab the other one.
- Okay. [chuckles] - Yeah.
You got some- You got some awesome tits.
- Yeah. [stammers]
- This is some B.S.
I am sick of guys like that walking all over us.
- Some people are Lords of the Pit.
Others, like you and me,
thrulls, born to be sacrificed.
- I'm a Force of Nature, man.
I'm an Avatar of Might. - Well-
- I'ma trample this guy.
Come on.
- Dude, how have you not seen
My Chemical Romance live, dude?
- Excuse me.
The way you were acting earlier was unacceptable.
So unless you wanna see how really super tough I am,
I suggest you let us back in line.
- [spits]
- Eww.
- Or what?
[both screaming]
- Yeah! - Aah!
- Ahh! [exhales]
- Fine, man, take the spot, whatever.
- Yeah! [laughs]
- That was awesome.
- Thanks. Yeah, I'm a hero, man.
Feels good. It feels good. It feels hood.
- [screams] There's a zombie apocalypse!
- Aah, zombies! - Hey, watch where you're going.
- Hey! - Zombies!
- I don't take that shit no more.
[beatboxing] - ♪ He's insane ♪
[beatboxing]
- Oh, lick it. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. - Is that what you want?
- [moans] - Like that?
- Mm, Ders. - Ow!
Too rough, okay?
- Well, dude, I'm sorry. But you know what?
You could be a little rougher.
- Fine, tell me how you like this.
- That's it. - How do you like that?
Does that hurt? - That's what's up.
- Okay, now I want you both to take off
the rest of your clothes so that
I could get involved.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally.
- I have to draw the line. This is-Don't.
Hey. - Nope, this is happening.
This is happening, bud. We're doing this.
- I can't do this. - Okay.
Here, why don't you put my teeny-tiny panties
in your mouth? - Okay, this I like.
You are creative. Move over, Karl.
- Come on in. Come on in. - Okay.
- [chuckles] Ooh.
- But first...
Oh, yeah, no vision allowed.
- Oh, blindfolding me, okay.
- Cool. I want no sight.
- Yeah, heighten the senses. Ow.
- This is freakin' kink central right here.
- Feed me, baby. - I love it.
- My panties in your mouth.
- Yeah, feed me, feed me.
- Open wide. - Mm-hmm.
[both moan]
- Yum. - [muffled] Baby.
- Oh, what do they taste like?
- Butterscotch, baby.
- Let me taste a little bit. - Mm-mm, no, you wait.
- Come on, let me taste. - Stop it.
- Come on, man. - Oh, here we go.
- Where's she at? I found her.
- Here I am, guys.
- She's right here. - Oh, Marco Polo.
[laughter]
- Oh, my God.
- [muffled] Marco Boner.
[cell phone chimes] - Oh, I'm in.
- She's getting a little hot, huh?
- I think I found a butt. - Oh, yeah?
Is he touching your butt?
'Cause that's cool, and I like it.
[both moaning] - She's great.
- Oh, yeah, you guys, I'm so close.
- You like that? - Oh, she's gonna go.
She's gonna blast. - Magic fingers.
- [moans]
- If you were hoping to get a copy
of the popular video game Code of Ronin,
youTein for a disappointment.
The game's release will be delayed
due to a violent brawl which resulted
in one man accidentally stabbing himself
with a samurai sword.
- What the hell?
- Oh, my God, you're munching on my undies, dude.
- [screams, spitting]
- Whoa. - No, no, no, no!
- Jesus. I wouldn't have put those in my mouth.
- Get away from me. [spitting]
- All right, losers, I'm out of here.
- What? You knew the entire time?
- Yeah, duh, I knew.
- I pegged you as smart.
- And if you ever call me again,
I will upload this to Burning Camel.
- No! - So what?
It wouldn't be my first video.
- Bye!
Oh!
- Oh, my God. They're soggy, dude.
Jeez, you are working with some kissing juices, man.
- I know. - That's real.
- [sighs] Oh, my God.
- Yeah! Oh, man. - Yeah!
- It felt so good standing up for myself today, man.
I just wish Marshall wouldn't have fell
on his sword, that sucked.
- PCP, man, one hell of a drug.
Can't feel anything on it.
- Coming at ya. - Yep
- Uh-oh. all: Ooh!
- That one's gonna sting tomorrow,
but right now, it feels amazing.
- No way. - Yes. Yes, way.
- Yeah, there's blood. - Yeah. I'm bleeding?
- Yeah, it's through the shirt. - You know what?
I think we should move this to the face.
- Okay, sure. - Let's do-
I mean, we should be recording this.
- Yeah. You guys had a weird night.
Nothing weird happened here.
- Cool. - Great.
- I thought we were doing my thing.
[knock at door] - Someone's at the door.
You just got saved.
Saved by the knock is what I would call it.
- Hey, man, as a friend, I wanted to tell you first.
I banged The Darkness. I did.
She was waiting for a cab, and I hit her in the bushes.
- No, you didn't.
- Smell, dude. - I'm not-
- Take a whiff.
- [sniffs] Aw, damn it!
Dude, that smells good.
- Does it? - Yeah.
- Those fingers were in my butt, man.
- What? - I got you.
- Come on, man! Dude! - I got you, dude!
I didn't actually eff her.
So what's, uh- [stammering]
What's on the menu tonight?
- Nice.
[party horn blows]
- I'm going downtown too, buddy. - Oh, what'd you find?
- Oh, I found something real good.
I'm in. I'm in.
- [moans] Oh, yeah, guys, I'm so close.
- Oh, yeah.
- She has the tiniest little butt.
- Igothen - Oh, wait.
She is-She's working me.
- She's getting real wet, man.