- Hi. I'm comedian Tom Green with a special one-time offer.
Say yes now and receive a case
of premium Canadian sausage for only $39.99.
Daddy, would you like some sausage?
- Yes. - [beep] Magnificent.
Now, please enter your credit card info
using your touch-tone phone.
[beep] - And there you have it.
Telecom intelligence negotiating algorithm,
or "TINA,"
gives callers two offers
in a variety of celebrity voices,
as you just heard.
- Tom Green? You should have got Scott Caan.
- Shut up, he's a huge celebrity.
- Whoa, yeah. - Watch it.
- Someone needs to put a muzzle on him,
I hate you. - Uh, real question.
If TINA is making the calls, why are we here?
- Well, if TINA doesn't make the sale
within the first two offers, then...
- Oh, I get it.
Then we come in and clean bat-up,
'cause this cold machine lacks the soft touch of a human...
touching a machine.
- It lacks human error.
And TINA persists where you would feel intrusive.
- Okay, so what's the catch?
- Well, if TINA does make the sale
before your assistance is needed,
you don't get the commission.
Just your hourly. - What?
- Is this a joke?
- Uh, you know, I-I get it.
Gonna be less work for us,
and we're still getting paid hourly.
- Exactly, thank you, Stretch.
- No, you don't get it!
This is just the beginning, guys.
All right, if we let these machines take our jobs,
next-next, they're gonna take everything.
- Okay, Blake, you're overreacting.
- Overreacting?
I'm pretty sure that I'm underreacting right now.
[intensely] Just imagine a future...
where robots replace humans,
evolving to be faster, smarter,
and just way more freakin' doper.
[helicopters buzzing]
Where humans become obsolete,
and they're forced by their ruler, TINA,
to undergo a cyborg surgery known as "orientation."
And it'll only be a matter of time
before they come for us all.
[beatboxing hyped with electronic music]
- [robotic voice] ♪ I'm fresh ♪
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪
♪ You gotta be fresh ♪
[electric sizzle]
- Congrats, your bum will soon be
on your very own Swedish massage chair.
Now please enter your credit card info
using your touch-tone phone.
Swedish. - Wow.
Cool.
Another sale stolen by TINA.
- And another one of our commission checks
stuffed into the pockets
of TINA'S real comfortable cyber Wranglers.
- Oh, yeah, just face it.
Tom Green is Freddy-got- finger-raping us all day.
- Yeah. - Oh, dude, check this out.
Look what I snuck past the last Merry Maids sweep.
- Thank God. - [laughs]
That huff, huff... huffy white heat.
- Huff! Huff! - Except for it's not hot.
It's actually very cold, so... - It's cold.
- Just be careful with it, all right?
[can sprays] - Pretty cool, I guess.
[phone ringing, TINA answering] - Ooh!
- [coughs] - That's crispy.
[stammers] That's a nimbus cloud in there.
- I've actually done so much of this stuff,
I don't even think it really affects my brain anymore.
- Is that right? [can sprays, stops]
- [incoherent mumbling] - Hey, but don't hog it all.
I know it's gonna sizzle-fry my brain,
but, I'm sorry, this whole impending doom thing
is really getting to me, so if I could just have
a huff of the hot- uh...the heat?
- Well, you know, let's just
abandon all hope here. [buzzers sounding]
What the heck? What should we do, man?
- I didn't do anything.
- Mm.
[stammers] We didn't do anything!
- Good. That's the way I like it.
But that's all about to change.
- So you've finally come
to have me slave away in your vagina,
as your sex slave.
That's fine.
I'll have sex with you.
But I will never love you, Alice.
I will never love you!
- Step aside, you troll.
- Oh, good one: troll.
Yeah, right. - I'm here for Blake.
- Oh, 'cause of his hair? 'Cause you're into trolls?
- No. Because it's time for his orientation.
- Oh, shit, sorry.
- Alice, please, I haven't even lived yet, all right?
I didn't even get to try Carl's Jr.'s crisscut fries.
- Seriously? - Yeah, you know,
I'm an onion ring guy.
Montez, Waymond, no! Don't!
- Take me instead! - Yeah, take him instead.
- I understand that TINA'S what's best for T.A.C.
And I'm ready.
I'm ready to become...
an Oriental.
[intense electrical music]
- [grunting]
[screams]
Sorry.
- Strap him to the table.
- I can't be a cyborg, man.
They don't even have any cool- They're just idiots.
[stammers] They just have metal in their brains.
If you had, like, a laser dick, then, yeah, I'd be a cyborg.
But there's nothing enticing me.
- Look, this is what we gotta do.
We gotta go save Ders
and get the hell outta this hell, all right?
- Yeah, where are we gonna go, Blake?
- I don't know. Let's freaking Feivel it.
Let's go west. - To the ocean?
Sh-yeah, right.
I'm not an ocean dog, okay?
I'm a city cat. [meows]
- All right, fine.
Let me think of another direction.
East - Yes
Let's head east, to the heartland!
- Yeah. - Vegas.
- Vegas, I love it there! - Right?
There we go. - [laughs]
- Now, let's ice our brains down,
and formulate a well-thought-out plan.
- Wait a minute. What did you just say?
- [mumbling] Hmm? - Yes, that's it.
The freeze part, that's what I was thinking.
The freeze part. Dude, you're a genius!
- [puffs] I don't know.
- [over speaker] Using your touch-tone phone.
[can spraying]
Both: Yeah.
- There we go. - [grunts]
- Whoa'. Oh'. Oh'.!
- Oh, sorry. - That's okay.
- Hey, Adam, what comes after "L"?
- I don't-l- - Bow!
[both laughing]
Both: Oh. - [shouts]
- Dude! - Oh, my God!
I'm so excited about this. We could-okay.
We could die doing this. - Great, let's save Ders.
- We could die, this is exciting.
- Go go a ' go' Ooh! go.
- [softly] Blake! Adam! - Shut up.
- Shh, shh. - We're getting out of here.
- Take us with you, man! - Yeah, save us.
- No, sorry, we can't. - Yeah, but, um,
we're always gonna remember you, and
we'll never forget you, so...
- Take this yo-yo.
It belonged to my father.
Television set.
Give it to your sons.
- Very cool. Cool yo-yo.
Thank you, I'm gonna treasure this.
- Don't go. - Yep
- Guys, please don't leave us, okay?
I cannot survive in here.
All right, I-I love you, Jet Set,
but he shit all over the walls.
And I can't-this smell- - You pooped on the walls?
- I couldn't hold it no more. - I can smell it now.
[mechanical buzzing] - I smell poo.
I'm sorry, guys, we'll come back for you.
We gotta go.
- [grunting] - Oh.
It's okay.
Relax, Holmvik.
Once you've been oriented,
all the fear, the emotions,
they just disappear.
- Then why don't you try it?
- Because I run TelAmeriCorp,
and TINA answers to me.
Prep the patient.
- What?
What are you doing?
What? No! Oh, no!
You're changing the molecular structure of my flesh!
Please don't!
- No, we're just shaving your body.
- Oh.
[laughs nervously] Okay.
Been there, done that.
[sing-song] Spa day.
[laughs nervously]
[beatboxing]
- So once we get to Vegas,
thinking about doing a Cirque du Soleil show
based on the music of Nelly.
- Wait a minute. - What?
I mean, if Murphy Lee and the St. Lunatics
want to be involved, that's fine.
But it's really- it's Nelly's show.
- TINA'S mainframe.
That's where the lifeblood's generated.
Destroying the mainframe
would wipe out the mind control
of everybody who's been oriented-tated.
- Very cool.
We can't get in there, though,
because we don't have Alice's collar key.
So let's just focus on what I'm saying, okay?
Let's go get Ders.
Do you have Air Force Ones? 'cause you're gonna need those.
- Um, I have G Unit sneakers.
- Once ingested, this probe will map your body,
and we can begin the implant process,
orienting you to TINA'S mainframe.
- [groaning]
[stifled grunting]
[9Urgles]
- Yeah.
Don't worry, you'll pass it soon.
- T.M.l.
- Position the optical excavation device.
Time to scoop out them eyeballs, Stretch.
- [coughing]
[Sobbin No! 9]
[device beeps] No! No, no, no!
Montez, Montez, Waymond, please, please!
I know you can hear me! Tell her to stop!
[device buzzing] Don't let her do this!
- [grunts savagely]
Good thing yo-yo strings are long as hell in the future.
[grunting] - Whoop!
- Just what do you think you're doing?
- We're escaping to Vegas.
Unless you want me to be your sex puppet.
Put your hand up my ass, make me talk.
- Come on, let's get out of here! Let's go!
Let's move! Let's move! Let's move!
Oh, yeah, and, Alice...
we quit. both: Yeah.
- Yeah, we quit.
- Come on!
- After them now!
[suspenseful electronic music]
Damn it.
I am not running after them in these heels.
Let's head back to the office.
We'll activate the probe's tracking signal,
and then we'll trigger the defense mech,
in case they try to discharge.
Damn it.
- What are they talking about?
- They fed me this probe thing.
Oh, my God.
[burbling] I can feel it. Oh.
- Oh, God!
It's too late to abort it,
which is exactly what my mom used
to say about me.
I'm gonna have to murder you. I'm gonna have to murder him.
- No, Adam, no... - Wait, wait...
he's not Oriental yet.
Look at his eyes.
You could tell if he was an Oriental by his eyes.
But we do got to get that probe out of him.
[stomach burbling]
Oh. - Oh, God. Ooh.
- I think I know how to get it out.
- Huh? What? both: how?
- What are you- - What are you doing?
- Yeah.
- Tracker on.
Get to the supply closet now!
[beeps]
Defense mech armed.
[probe beeping] - You hear that? I'm beeping.
- Yeah, get it out, Ders. Come on, stop playing.
- I-I could kill him. I could still kill him.
- Yeah, man, this is an option. - [groaning]
- Oh, look.
[both screaming]
- Oh, my God, it's a tapeworm!
I've had one of those. 17 feet long.
Doctor told me I had to quit eating raw ground beef.
Which I did. For a while.
- It's not a tapeworm!
It's the thing! Obviously.
- Yes, obviously. - Right, totally.
- Come over here, and help me get it out.
- Keep pulling it out of your asshole.
- All right, you're okay.
- I think you- you got this.
- All right, uh... [laughs nervously]
All right, here we go.
Okay. - Oh, wait, no, no, no.
- Not a pretty view. - Slow down, slow down.
I think something's coming.
- Oh, yeah, no, that's it. That's the probe.
I see something.
Yep. Yep- Oh, here we go!
- [groaning] - We got some lights.
[squish] all: oh!
Oh! ' °Oh!
- We got it! Destroy it, Adam!
Destroy it. - Yep-
[grunting] Okay.
- You get it? - Yeah.
- No, I hear it.
It's still beeping inside of me.
We're not done, guys, it's still in there!
- [over headsets] To the left, hurry!
And bring them back alive.
Barely.
Both: Yep. - It's still in there.
It's still in there. Okay, okay.
Round two, here we go.
- [moaning] - Yeah, no.
You got it. Keep it up. Good work.
- Uh-oh. Yep, I got a snag.
- [screaming]
[skin ripping] [all screaming]
- Oh! ' Boy! Yikes!
Yep, you're gonna have a case of "the hemmies"
after this one.
- Fissures and hemmies.
You might never poop again, dude.
Which would suck for me, I love pooping.
It's, like, where I get most of my reading done.
- [over headsets] Great. You've got them cornered.
You know what? Kill 'em.
_ NO, guys, GUYS. stop!
Stop. okay?
I'll just be a cyborg. Forget it, all right?
Just stop pulling things out of my ass!
- Okay, I'll help.
[both grunting savagely]
- Oh! - There it is! There it is!
- Oh! Oh!
- Break it! Hurry.
Break it and destroy it!
Come on! - [screaming]
Okay, it's indestructible.
Don't we have, like, a steamroller
or, like, lava or...
[door banging] What do we do?
[probe beeping]
- Wait, what are you doing, you idiots?
Finish them! [device beeping]
They're heading down the south hallway.
[beeping faster] They're heading towards my office!
Wait, they're coming for me!
Get here now!
[probe beeping]
[beatboxing]
[suspenseful electronic music]
$5'
- [softly] Damn it! It's Bill.
We're not getting past him.
He's so deadly. Look at him. - Ow!
- Um, mirrors.
[turkey carver rumbles] If we can find several mirrors-
both: Shh, Adam. - We're trying to come up
with an idea here. - dude!
- Hey, have you guys seen Kill Bill?
- Volume one or two?
- Volume now.
[shrieking]
Aah!
[grunting]
[screaming]
I got him!
- Bill! both: no!
Oh, jeez. - Ugh.
- All right.
- Bill! No!
[overlapping shouting]
- Adam, you can't kill them!
Bill, he's still in there.
He's just under mind control.
- Yeah. - Oh, I thought he-
I thought he was like an evil robot.
- No! Oh!
You didn't know. He didn't know.
Cyborgs are totally different than evil robots, okay?
Think of Robocop, right? - Yeah, yeah.
- He would have those flashbacks to when he was a man.
- Oh, so he's actually- He's half-human.
- Yes, he's still human. - I killed a human!
- You killed a human, dude. - Oh, my gosh.
Oh, sorry, Bill. - Yeah.
- Okay, we hop over the fence,
hop on a plane, if they still exist,
and be the kings of the Las Vegas strip.
- [over P.A.] Attention, Jillian and Jet Set,
prepare for orientation.
Your time is now.
- Jet and Jill.
- You guys, we got to do something.
I know what they're about to go through.
- Uh-uh, no.
This is a trap. This is trickery!
This is tomfoolery!
Let's go to Vegas!
[helicopter blades whirring]
Vegas!
- No, don't you see?
This isn't just about saving those guys.
It's about taking back TelAmeriCorp.
Reclaiming the company that gave us nothing.
It's a dirtyjob, but... somebody's gotta Mike Rowe it.
- Hey, Blake?
' Huh?
- Fuck your speech'. Whoa'.!
- You had to say Mike Rowe.
- No! Aah!
Help!
' Adam. I got you!
[both screaming shakily]
- Oh, I gotta- I gotta get a GIF of this!
- [screaming] - Ders...get...us...ofﬂ
- [laughs] Okay, all right.
- Ders, get me off!
[both screaming shakily]
- Oh, my God! - You think that was funny?
- I'm sorry. - You think that was-
Let me see it! - I'm_
- Let me see it! - Sorry.
- Aah!
- Oh, this is funny.
- Huh? [laughs] - This is actually really funny.
- It's pretty funny, right? Thank you.
- Okay, all right.
Let's go back and save the day!
End tyranny!
Find the switch for the fence!
- Oh, I got a boner for some reason.
- All right, now we find Alice,
and we force her to free the people.
- Yep - Or...
she forces me to finger her or whatever, huh?
- No, Adam, we have to stop her, okay?
This ends now. Come on, let's do this.
- Yes, that's a better plan than mine.
- Oh, damn. Jillian's a fembot.
- Really? - Oh, they all are.
- Knuckle up, motherfuckers.
- Mm, yeah. - Why do you have that?
- Yeah. - Huh? 'cause.
- 'Cause why? It was in my butt, dude.
- That was in his anus.
- To study... because, um...
Just go fight your one, already, please.
- Yeah, go, you got him. - All right, wish me luck.
- Good luck. - Whoo!
[screams]
[grunts]
Whoa. Whoa'.!
You are a bitch, cyborg Montez!
You are a bitch!
- [screams]
Sorry, Jet Set! [whoosh, thud]
“Yam ' Oh!
[grunting]
- Oh, was that a roundhouse? - You know it.
- Whatever happened to roundhouses, dude?
- [screams]
I don't wanna do this, Jillian.
[grunts]
Oh! - Whoa.
- Oh! - Blake, stop messing around!
- [tight voice] I'm not messing around.
She's crushing my testicles.
Ow! Oh, oh.
- Let's see if I can crush her testicles.
[grunts]
Oh! [°"°"ingl
Oh! Oh, ow.
- Swim dive!
Yeah-oh!
[all grunting]
- Guys! The Xerox machine.
- Copy that.
[grunts]
- Attacld Now! Eww, oh!
[grunts] Come on, DeMamp!
- Triple dude attacld [grunts]
[squish] all: Oh!
- Oh, nice. Come on, let's go!
- All right. - Oh.
[all panting, grunting]
- [muffled] Oh, hi.
Sorry, I was just-
I was just eating.
[beatboxing]
- All you had to do was go through orientation.
But no, you had to cause problems.
- Yeah, 'cause "cause problems" is my middle name.
- Yeah! And being a cyborg?
Well, that's overrated.
And that's something I never thought I'd say.
- And we're here to put an end to the reign of TINA.
- Good luck with that, Stretch.
[beep] [energy shimmering]
All: Whoa! - Oh, my God!
- Tom Green! Wow, really big fan.
Really big fan. - I'm a huge fan.
- [metallic voice] My burn is on the cheese.
- Cyber Tom Green,
that's-that's awesome, but you need to shut it down.
- Yeah. - Because soon enough,
the cyborgs, they're gonna come for you.
- These machines would die for me,
because they need me to survive.
Oh, what, do you have a problem with that?
[scoffs] Kill them already.
[energy humming]
All: Oh!
- Swedish? - Something happened.
The machines! They're taking over!
- Now what are you doing? - The key card!
We've gotta get to the mainframe!
[grunts] Screw it!
- Poor Alice, she never got to bang me.
[all grunting]
- Daddy, would you like some sausage?
[all screaming]
Daddy, would you like some sausages?
Sausages! Sausages!
- Get in and barricade the door! Barricade the door!
[all shouting, panting]
- 'Sup, TINA? You naughty little computer.
Oh, I'm gonna drain you.
I'm gonna drain you good.
[screams]
- Shut her down, DeMamp!
- We can't hold him much longer!
- I'm trying! It's much harder than it looks!
- All right, well, try a "come hither” motion.
- Oh, I'm "hithering." Oh, I'm "hithering," baby!
- Harder!
- Come on! You come for me!
[energy hisses] both: Oh!
- Oh, my God. - Kay.
- Please, not my face!
- Oh, something's happening.
- Something good? - Something...beautiful!
[screams]
[electronic swell]
- Oh!
- [screams]
Oh, come on! Oh, oh, oh.
[panting]
- Hey, uh, it's- it's way over.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it's-
- Yeah, we did it? - Yeah.
- You got him. - [laughs]
- Oh, no! Oh, my God!
We killed my hero.
- [screams] [all screaming]
- Jeez!
- Where am I?
I don't remember anything. - Well, uh...
Well, you were a robot... - Yeah.
- And then now you're-
you're just normal-ass Tom Green,
Which is pretty cool. - Cyborg.
- Yeah, and actually...
we are your childhood friends.
So... - Yep
- Like, your best friends. - Welcome back.
- Yeah. - What's up, buddy?
- Thanks, guys. - Yeah, we do what we have to.
- Thanks, guys. - Hey! They're okay!
- Uh-huh. - [laughs]
- Oh, my God, we're heroes!
- Well, uh, I don't know about that.
We-we killed Bill, actually. - Yes.
Very sorry about that. I did kill Bill.
That was my bad, I murdered him. I actually hope
he's banging Alice's dead body in the afterlife.
[laughter]
- "Bang dead Alice"?
- Oh, um...l meant- - You know what?
Shut up, okay? Honestly, I think that was
the dumbest story I have ever heard.
- I can't believe you let him tell it for so long.
- This is just a prototype for a pilot program.
We're not gonna be implementing anything
for, like, another year. all: Oh!
- Well, you should have said that right away.
- Yeah, we're gonna quit by then.
- We'll probably be dead by then.
- Please, let's just get back to the phones, now.
- All right. - Hey, swim dive?
Dude, I gotta try that! - Scott Caan is a handsome man.
- [coughing, choking] - Do not know.
- Jillian, are you okay?
- Somebody call 911! - Are you choking?
- Look out. - [coughing]
- Blake! - [choking]
- Help her! - I don't know what to do!
- Somebody help! - Oh! Oh, God!
[screams] - Aah! Aah!
[all screaming]
- All right, enough!
God, Blake, do you ever shut up?
- Nice.
[dog snorting] [party horn blows]
[beeping]
[alien voice] - I'll come back.